Green Lantern #29

I wonder how often Saint Walker fingers his own asshole with his head tail?

Last issue there was some trouble with Red Lantern Supergirl. Also, Hal found out that he accidentally gave up the rights to Sector 2814 to the Red Lanterns. This issue, Hal has decided to take a bit of time off and visit Coast City. Why not? There's only a huge war with the Durlans going on!

Oh! It's because of the war that he stopped by! Also to let Simon Baz know that he's the only Green Lantern allowed on Earth. Also to tell his brother Jim the secret identity of the new Green Lantern, Simon Baz.

My friend Doom Bunny's kid constantly clogs his toilet with his turds. So I'm going to start calling him Minnesota Fat Turds. He's going to despise Uncle Tess's visits!

That had nothing to do with Green Lantern but you're not paying for this so I can fucking write whatever I want to! Go get your Green Lantern jokes somewhere else if you don't want to read about a six year old's stool problems!

So Hal ditches Earth leaving the disappointing Simon Baz in his place. Not that I think Simon Baz is disappointing. I liked what I saw of him when he first appeared with Ch'p or Bd'g or Nu't or wh'tev'r. But then he had to go and join the Justice League of America where nobody but Stargirl is very important even though Amanda Waller won't let her do anything. So Simon hasn't had much of a chance to have any character. He's just been the token Green Lantern in the background. Hopefully he'll get a chance to shine again sometime. But there are so many human Green Lanterns! Did DC really need another one?

Meanwhile Mogo leaves Sector Zero to bring the Green Lanterns closer to the war with the Durlans. Saint Walker mopes. Kilowog fixes. Hal talks to the new recruits. It's all stuff that isn't me finishing Bioshock.

I also manage to earn some Comic Book Reading Experience Points when Hal speaks some truths that I pointed out previously.

Nobody would have believed Superman if he'd said the horrible things that Durlan said. Unless Lobdell was writing the issue and then everybody would have declared, "I knew that alien was up to no good being that he is an alien and very X-Man like! And you can't trust no Goddamn X-Man!"

Hal Jordan puts my girlfriend 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 front and center, giving her a job to run statistical probabilities and complex mathematical formulas. She's such a nerd! And so cute with her little head penises. Does DC put out any pornographic comic books because I think she'd be perfect in one. Maybe I'll start drawing it myself. Let me find my To-Do List of Serious Projects and add this: "Project #233: Pornographic Comic Strip starring Green Lantern 2-6-8-1-7-9-5." Okay! Now if I could just find more hours in the day, I might get around to that project in a decade or so!

Hal leads a small team to the planet Gwottle where the Relic Approved Anti-Light Devices are being manufactured. Even though the Corps has been unable to stand against the Anti-Light Devices up until now, Hal's team has no problem defeating the devices and stopping manufacture.

Bah! That's rumor and speculation and innuendo and hearsay and bad science! If I weren't such an intelligent specimen of the universe, I'd probably resort to derogatory names like Fish Face and Six Arms! Although, really, that would just be stating facts. But if I sneered the names just right, you'd understand I was being a dick!

Meanwhile the Durlan hiding out on Mogo that borrowed Hal's face to tell the entire Universe to suck it has discovered that the fishy Green Lantern stole his radioactive isotopes which allow him to change shape. So he's fucked.

Green Lantern #29 Rating: No change. If I wasn't so eager to get back to playing Bioshock Infinite, I might say some really mean-spirited things about the art in this issue and hurt Coccolo's feelings. But I'm not going to be a jerk today! I'll just say the art wasn't my style. Or maybe Coccolo will improve with time. Or perhaps the art was terrific but I was just in a grumpy mood. Who can say, really? Reality is a fickle bitch. I can tell the art wasn't very good because even though 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 appeared in a number of panels, she didn't really make my heart flutter like she has in the past. So I have to blame the art or else I have to admit that maybe our love is waning.