Teen Titans #28

Ha ha! Throw the book at him! Throw all the books at him!

This cover makes it look like Kid Flash is being sentenced to an all teeth blow job. Get the fuck up, Solstice! Don't let Brett Booth take away your dignity by drawing you in this position where you're desperately holding on to your man as he's sentenced to every life ever in prison. How come he gets to stand tall and defiant while you gnash your teeth and rend your imaginary garments at the injustice of future justice? Also, why don't you get to wear any clothes? And what happened to Skitters? And why is Wonder Girl being written to fall for Superboy when he tried to kill her earlier? And why is Raven being characterized as a conniving dick?

Although the men aren't getting off much better. Tim Drake is a selfish, arrogant asshole that won't even let his teammates know who he is. He says it's to protect Batman's identity but Batman isn't really trying too hard to keep that secret himself. I think Tim just knows that one day he's going to betray them all by becoming a mastermind vampire from the future and he doesn't want any of them knowing his secrets. Superboy was killed off and replaced by an, if you can imagine it, even worse character. Kid Flash has been so annoying that I don't even care if he's killed off. At least Bunker escaped this mess. Maybe that's why Skitters left so early. It wasn't that she was useless; it's that she had some motherfucking pride. Good for her!

Only four issues left until I don't have to read this garbage anymore!

Scott Lobdell pisses me off right from the beginning when he begins: "The Echo Station...somewhen in the late 30th century." Somewhen. So fucking clever, Mr. Lobdell. As if the word "sometime" doesn't actually exist or the word "somewhere" is just too conventional since this is a time travel story and you have to make some kind of reference to the heroes of the story being out of time. Oh! That's another joke you can use! When Kid Flash is sentenced, somebody can say, "Well, I guess we're out of time!" And they can wink and elbow nudge Wonder Girl in the ribs when they say it. Although it's hard to see a wink from behind the Red Robin mask.

We're still on Page One and Lobdell is pissing me off again.

Has Scott Lobdell never been to outer space? Does he not know how it works? We could pretend that the one guy can't breathe because Superboy's grip is nearly choking him and not because the lack of oxygen. We can pretend that they are still close enough to the breach of the courtroom that they're all still enveloped in enough of the inside atmosphere to allow sound to carry and to allow them to breathe (for the moment). But even if we concede those points, now we have to believe that there is an event horizon for the gravity well of the two suns which Joke-el cannot escape which begins just a few feet from the Courthouse Satellite. I suppose I can keep making excuses for other things as well, like Joke-el is currently exhausted from his exploits in his own book and he's used up the last of his energy saving these three people but why should I? Why am I doing all the work trying to explain Lobdell's lazy writing. I hope Superboy gets pulled into one of the suns and dies. I hope they all do!

I hope Page Two is written better!

Man, that's why I always get hurt! I believe in people too much. I expect the best out of everybody! I think everyone is going to be smart and kind and considerate and avoid taking advantage of others! And the next thing I know, I'm waking up groggily in a bathtub full of ice with one kidney missing and ejaculate drying on my face. Again!

Goddammit. I have to put another quarter in my Judd Winick jar. Be right back.

Oh! Oh! Page Two explains one horrible part of Page One but doesn't help at all with making the concessions I made more believable. Although it also causes more trouble as Superboy skids in the frictionless space of space.

In space, no one can hear you interrobang.

So Joke-el throws a bunch of humans into the sun even though he earlier made a point earlier (possibly in Marv Wolfman's Superboy, possibly in one of Lobdell's own books since he remembers nothing he writes) that he only kills people with super powers. It's like his job! Protect humans (even though they just now started to disgust him at Kid Flash's trial) while killing superhumans. I'll give Lobdell the benefit of the doubt that I'm remembering this wrong (this time!), but I'm fairly certain I'm not wrong at all. I guess my mom was right about me always thinking I'm right!

As an ECHO spaceship comes along and blasts Superboy before asking him to declare his allegiance (fucking cops, amirite?), Superboy thinks about how he's dying because his human DNA is totally into segregation and thinks his Kryptonian DNA should not be stranding in the same chromosomes. Superboy thinks, "I'm dying." Really? Are you? I mean, I know that's the whole reason for Kal-el's previous existence. He was to help figure out a way to keep Joke-el alive. But by this time, Joke-el has been living for at least twenty years (from 2014 to 2034) without any harm. He seemed healthy enough then to kill most of the superheroes on Earth. But now he's dying again. Sure. Okay. I'll go with that. If I have to.

Back in the courtroom with the gaping hole in the roof that doesn't seem to be a problem anymore even though the vacuum of space is falling in and getting on everything, The Teen Titans battle to stop the battle. It's a thing! "Using violence to end violence!" It's The Green Lantern Corps Motto!

As plans go, this one was really fucking stupid because why would all the politicians come to his trial? Have they lost the ability to stream video live in the 30th Century?

Stories are supposed to be contrived. That's the only way stories can be made! But the secret is to disguise the contrived bits by making action and dialogue flow organically. When you have characters saying, "This ridiculous situation is happening because I planned it," you're not even trying to hide the magic of good storytelling! You're doing your magic tricks without any sleight of hand or magic smoke or boxes that have been checked by stupid audience members to prove they're not tricks. He might as well be naked on stage with a diagram of how the trick fools you into thinking it's magic.

The next ridiculous moment in a big skullpile of ridiculous moments in a story ravaged by starvation and disease is when Kid Flash wraps up Wonder Girl with her magic lasso and tells her, "I don't want to hurt any of you." No, that's why you ended last issue telling your men to kill them along with everybody else.

Scott Lobdell, can I pull you aside for a moment? Can I give you a bit of advice? I don't know where you heard that comic book readers can't remember anything that has happened in previous months but it's not true. And even if it were, you realize these stories will be collected in a Trade Paperback, right? So fans will be reading these stories in one sitting and they're just going to be confused by the way characters believe different things every twenty pages or so. Or how something that was happening previously no longer is happening. Or how Skitters just disappeared when you realized she was fucking useless on a super hero team. She might be interesting in her own title. But don't expect her to be ready to save anybody at the drop of a bank robbery. I imagine a lot of these inconsistencies are fixed up a bit in the Trades. Shit, that must be a lot of work to edit your stories and get them ready for a collection.

Here's Scott Lobdell continuing to write poorly.

What the hell is the "power of light" and how is it faster than Kid Flash? It's as if Lobdell combined the two tropes that always misrepresent how fast The Flash (and his copycats) really is: the speed of light and the power of thought. Perhaps Kid Flash isn't faster than the speed of light. Let's go with that. That still doesn't mean, if Solstice's powers are light based, that she can get the drop on him. To be able to do anything at the speeds which Kid Flash does them, his thought processes need to be faster than a normal person's. So it's not about how quick someone can process a thought (which isn't very fast actually but we'll ignore that for the sake of the "speed of thought" trope) but how quickly they can act and react. Solstice can't raise her hands faster than Kid Flash can bind them. Solstice can't say, "I'm sorry too, Bart" (not to mention the rest of that speech) before he would have her hogtied. Kid Flash's reaction time is so much quicker that he is faster than her "power of light." But if you're writing a super speedster and you need them to be beaten for a moment, you fall back on this bullshit. Because otherwise they can't be beat. You really need somebody else that moves at the same speed to compete with them.

How about we chalk up this defeat to Kid Flash subconsciously wanting to be stopped by Solstice? Does that work? Okay. Let's move on.

Since when did Red Robin start wearing a "T" on his shoulder? Does it stand for Tim?!

Red Robin is going to save lives by stopping all the killing and negotiating a peace treaty between both parties. At least that's his plan. Fuck any history between these groups or the fucked up culture and religious wars happening across generations. I'm sure if Tim points out that killing is bad, he'll get them to listen. They'll agree to share their resources and let everybody live by their own beliefs. Although Tim doesn't even know if one sides beliefs demand that they kill anybody that doesn't follow their beliefs! It could be a thing! Tim just doesn't know enough to be of any use in this situation. I hope he dies.

Brain 3 and Red Robin have a philosophical discussion about civilization and the rule of law as they kick the opposition in the teeth. There's your law, Red Robin. Might makes right. You're just proving it by kicking ass to get them to listen to you.

Meanwhile, Joke-el kidnaps Kid Flash and takes him into space. Instead of throwing him into the sun like he did with the others, he talks long enough for a monster ship to appear out of thin air. Bart gives us a little history on this ship: it was built with one purpose and that is annihilation. Why not omnidestruction? I would have gone with omnidestruction. Definitely. And piloting the ship is Bart's sister who is working with the Functionary to stop Kid Flash and his rebels.

For once, Superboy and I have the same thought: "You're welcome to try!"

Instead of destroying everyone, Shira tells Bart that mom and dad would not want him to do this. Bart weeps and wails and collapses in a heap and the war is over! Because mommy and daddy would be disappointed. Shira also points out that their parents were losers anyway and that's why they died. And Bart goes, "Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. I suppose if they had actually learned how to garden instead of praying for relief from God, we might have gotten something to eat once in a while." And Shira is all, "Totally. I guess we can call off the war now." And Kid Flash goes, "Hey! Hey guys! All you guys that are being oppressed every day and have finally gotten enough confidence to crawl out from under the boot heel of the Functionary! Stop fighting! We were wrong! Your religion is stupid! You should stop believing it and just do as The Functionary says!" And all the revolutionaries were like, "Yeah, yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Let's call off this war and head home to our empty pantries!" And then everybody cheered!

The next day, Bart once more goes back on trial and is sentenced to a life of hard labor. And Red Robin swallows his tongue and screams, "What?! Justice is working against what I want?! How can that be? It must be injustice! We must free Bart!"

Red Robin, you're a fucking dick. Apparently the better way to end this whole conflict was really just your way to end this whole conflict. Bart's a treasonous murderer but screw punishment! Red Robin says he should go free!

Bart stops his friends from making a fuss. Even though he was going to kill them if they tried to stop him, now he's telling them that if they love him, they'll stop fighting for him. It's a good thing he's been wearing his Kid Flash costume throughout this comic book or else I'd never know what character I was looking at whenever he spoke.

Solstice decides she can't live without Bart so she murders one of the judges so that she will be sent to the hard labor planet with him. Jesus! She doesn't even know if it's a co-ed prison planet! She's just going to wind up imprisoned somewhere else instead. No, no. Red Robin won't let that happen. He'll make sure everybody gets back to the present and they'll just forget about all the murders because how can you be convicted of murder when the person you have supposedly murdered hasn't even been born yet?

Teen Titans #28 Rating: Fuck this comic book.