Saturday, March 1, 2014

Supergirl #28

Surprise! Kara becomes a Red Lantern! Who saw that coming?

At the end of last issue, Supergirl was about ready to crack Twat Lobo's nuts for the final time. But she might also have to battle Blaze too since "Doctor" Veritas doesn't believe Supergirl can defeat Twat Lobo. So "The Doctor" freed a horrible demon that didn't even stick around to help. Some demons just don't understand the importance of a contract. Perhaps they're only bound to them if they're signed in blood. I seem to remember learning about that during my years at my Satanic Elementary School.

Whatever happens, it's going to get Supergirl so angry that she'll earn the second most powerful weapon she's ever wielded! Her super cute bum is the most powerful.

From the beginning, I can tell this issue is going to be really annoying because Twat Lobo is narrating. So I'm going to have to experience his use of the phrase "sorry not sorry" way too many times. And once is too many! Anything above that is way too many. Also, if you've ever used that phrase, you probably shouldn't be reading my commentaries because I hate you. If you've used the phrase, you're a selfish douche and probably some kind of "-ist"! I don't know what kind specifically although "narcissist" is probably a pretty good bet.

"Well hello, Lobo! So nice to meet you! My name is Supergirl!"

Supergirl begins throwing Lobo through walls because that's what Kryptonians do. You piss them off, they destroy property with your face. The only problem is that The Block where "Doctor" Veritas lives is kind of like a submarine except deep beneath the earth instead of deep beneath the sea. But just like a sub, it's straining against all kinds of pressures from every direction. You punch a hole in the wrong wall or take out a load bearing support and everybody is fucked! So "Doctor" Veritas decides Supergirl and Lobo need to be teleported elsewhere. Let somebody else pay for the damage they cause.

"Doctor" Veritas is a huge dick! She's supposed to be helping Supergirl but instead she's using her to get rid of her Lobo problem. And then when that goes wrong, she's just going to abandon her. If she had the power to teleport people out of The Block, why didn't she just do it earlier with just Lobo? I hope Blaze wrecks her fucking toilet. And I don't mean cracks the porcelain. You know what I mean! Like an old woman that just had some bad seafood losing her insides in the Women's Bathroom in Sears.

So every time somebody told me I hit like a girl, that was a compliment? Because I was as strong as a Kryptonian?! Then why was I always running off in tears?

Once "Doctor" Shay teleports her destructive guests out of The Block and back to Antarctica, Twat Lobo manages to get back inside his ship. That's when he begins trying to talk Supergirl down from the rage-cliff she's on. And he actually makes some good points that might not actually be good but they're pointing out that "Doctor" Veritas is a dick, so I agree with them! Lobo leads Supergirl back to New York because he believes she won't destroy New York in her zeal to kill him. But he's wrong! He really doesn't know Kryptonians at all! Superman levels whole sections of Metropolis on a daily basis! Which is strange when you realize that at any time, Supes can usually grab up the bad guy, use his super-speed, and carry them away to an unpopulated wasteland like how he did with Jonah Hex. I think vandalism gets his dick hard.

Twat Lobo tells Kara that she shouldn't be what "Doctor" Veritas wants her to be and that she should be what Twat Lobo wants her to be: his partner!

That may have been the wrong debate tactic.

The good news so far is that Lobo has yet to be sorry not sorry!

Meanwhile a block away, Siobhan somehow doesn't notice how sexy hot her new roommate is. For some reason, they aren't totally making my sexist male fantasies come true! You know the ones. The ones where they order a pizza and leave the apartment so I can eat in peace? Instead, Siobhan hears a familiar "BOOM" and thinks, "That's the sound of my best friend in the world greeting somebody's face!" So she ditches her roommate to check on her Bestie.

Siobhan probably isn't faster than a Red Lantern Ring so she might not make it in time to tell Supergirl that they're still friends. Supergirl still believes that Siobhan abandoned her for no good reason. But that's only because Supergirl wanted to tell Siobhan that she was dying from Kryptonite poisoning (Supergirl, not Siobhan! Duh!) but Siobhan was too busy to listen. She was only trying to stop her apartment from being flooded in shit water. And it's not like Kara tried very hard to talk about it. She just thought, "Poor me. I'm going to die and my best friend doesn't care because I haven't told her yet but she really should know and since she doesn't and her apartment really fucking smells like shit, I'm just going to go out into space and die." So Siobhan doesn't even know that Supergirl is miffed at her!

As Supergirl flips the fuck out like her cousin from another Earth, the Red Lantern Ring tells her that she belongs to something. She has a family somewhere. And they're all completely insane. But at least she belongs. Seriously. If you can't trust a flying animated red ring that speaks English, who can you trust? Certainly not your old best friend that cares more about shit stains than you.

I have a feeling Siobhan is going to be dealing with more shit stains.

Supergirl #28 Rating: +3 Ranking. It was mostly just lots of fighting but most of that fighting was Twat Lobo getting his ass kicked. That's always a good thing. And Siobhan has returned and that's a good thing too. And Siobhan's roommate...holy fuck! I bet she orders good pizza!

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