Batman and Aquaman #29

A Tale of Forbidden Passion!

Batman and Aquaman sitting in the sea! F-I-S-T-I-N-G! First comes Batman! Then comes Aquaman! Then comes a relaxing time in the sauna smoking cigars, drinking scotch, and talking about foreign colonies in a deep, gruff, manly voice.

In the last issue of Talon, we learned that Ra's al Ghul has an underwater lab where he steals the Mojo of Lord Death Man to fuel his long, immortal decent into madness. Batman must have gotten wind of this revelation through his bat-vines, so he's enlisted Aquaman's help to go find the underwater lab that houses lots and lots of Damians. He'll probably find the Damian that's half gerbil which Aquaman will take back to Atlantis for private reasons. And he'll find the Damian that's half cat which he'll take back to Wayne Manor where Alfred will spend most of the day letting him out and then back in again and then out and then back in and then out. He'll find the Damian that's half ferret as it squats in the corner pooping and then rushes around the room investigating everything for the 800th time but acting like he's never seen it before in the history of all time ever. Eventually, he'll find the Damian that's half Batman and take that one home with him to be his sidekick and son and heir. He might even ground him for disobeying him and half-Batman Robin will sit and wonder what the fuck he did to deserve it. Not because he's not the original that Ra's al Ghul brought back to life and he has no memory of disobeying Batman! No, he'll wonder why he deserves it because he fucking nearly saved the day until fucking Nightwing screwed up everything and got him killed! Ground that idiot Grayson!

Currently Batman is in the Bat-sub searching for the island where Damian was trained in all of his knowledge of the deadly arts like Yo-Yoing and Miming and Juggling Chainsaws. Titus has joined him because Alfred was tired of dealing with that damn dog and he snuck him aboard the Bat-sub before Batman took off. As Batman nears his location (he knows he's close because of all the decaying corpses attached to concrete blocks at the bottom of the ocean), he runs into Aquaman.

"What's a hot Atlantean like you doing in a cold ocean like the Pacific?"

Aquaman is investigating screaming whales because he's a total pervert. Can't a whale get any privacy in this ocean? King of the Sea? More like King of the See More Whale Penis!

Inside Ra's al Ghul's secret island lab which wasn't as secret as he'd hoped it would be, Talia and Damian have been encased in Carbonite. That probably means they aren't totally dead but just mostly dead. Mostly dead is usually enough to kill a person. But when you've got some of Lord Death Man's anal tears (like in crying not like in ripping! Gross! Wait. They're both gross, actually), you've got the means to everlasting mostly alive! Damian and Talia will always be part dead but aren't we all, really?

Some guys in scuba suits attack the Bat-sub which is actually the Black Manta Sub with a Bat Symbol for a window. No wonder Aquaman came to investigate! Batman's lucky he didn't get a trident through the chest showing up in Aquaman's ocean inside this monstrosity! Aquaman helps Batman defend himself and then he storms the island with Batman without once accusing Batman of being crazy for hunting down some way to help his dead son. I have to respect Aquaman for that. Out of all the assholes Batman has teamed up with in his search for Damian, Aquaman is the first not to give him shit about it. He just stoically slides in at Batman's side, gives Batman's ass a reassuring squeeze, and begins kicking Ra's al Ghul thug ass.

Aquaman and Batman find the shore of Ra's al Ghul's island littered with the corpses of sperm whales so I guess Aquaman wasn't looking for whale's screaming in ecstasy. I guess he knew what he was talking about.

Maybe. Maybe the screams of ecstasy were when the whales were impregnated with human/whale hybrid fetuses?! Ick. No. Probably screams of pain and terror. Like Aquaman thought. That's why he's the king and I'm just an asshole!

Batman and Aquaman infiltrate the lab as Ra's al Ghul escapes in his stealthy stealth plane with the corpses of his daughter and grandson. The island is set to blow but Ra's knows Batman always escapes from explosions. So he sets his failed Damians on Batman.

There's Half Gorilla Damian and Half Two-headed Calf Damian and Half Cane Toad Damian and Half Salamander Baby Damian and all kinds of other fun Damians!

If these Damians were born in the wombs of sperm whales, does that mean Aquaman can Vuu Vuu Vuu them?

Master Comic Book Reader!

If you don't kill them, what the fuck are you going to do with them? You can't bring them all home and expect Alfred to take care of them! Maybe hire Carrie Kelley full time to teach them to be actors? She can use them in stage productions of Shakespearean plays? Put them in Robin suits, give them monthly bus passes, and just let them roam the city? Find a fat kid to love and adopt them?

Aquaman decides this isn't a Justice League mission so why the fuck does he have to listen to Batman? So he commands the Spoiled Damians to jump into the sea where he Vuu Vuu Vuus a whale to come along and swallow them whole. They probably end up getting caught up in the whale's plankton sifter causing it to slowly starve. But what does Arthur care?! The whale should have thought of that before it allowed itself to be mind controlled by Aquaman.

Batman doesn't see what Aquaman does to his half-formed children because he's too busy hanging across the front window of Ra's al Ghul's escape jet! Ra's is headed toward Paradise Island where there's apparently a working Lazarus pit to help restore his daughter and grandson. Unless he just needs some Gorgon blood or something. At least when he lands, he won't have to deal with any Amazons. Just lots and lots of snakes.

Ra's does a barrel roll or something and Batman falls to his near death. But Aquaman catches him and explains how he didn't harm the whale that ate Batman's children.

Great! What is Atlantis supposed to do with those half-formed Damians?! They'll probably stick them in a zoo and label them as "Land Dwelling Humans" so the Atlanteans will continue to think the Land Dwellers are monsters.

Batman's final stop is in London where he acquires his co-host for next episode: John Constantine! Wonder Woman!

Batman and Aquaman #29 Rating: No change! Tomasi is still writing one of the best comics of The New 52! Even when Aquaman is in it! That's talent!