Sunday, March 23, 2014

Justice League 3000 #3

I think this prison planet is where Kid Flash and Solstice wind up.

As I got to Justice League 3000 #4 in my pile of "To Read" comics, I realized I had never read Issue #3. So after reading Batman #29 this morning, I had to take a walk to my local comic book store to pick up an emergency copy. Luckily they still had one left. I also gave them a piece of my mind for forgetting to pull this comic for me! I looked sternly at the tattooed man behind the counter and said, "Can I please get my 25% discount on this book which somehow didn't make it into my pull box?" And he said, "Sure! No problem! That happens sometimes." And I said, "Yeah, it was probably my fault for not adding it to my pull list in time." Take that, Comic Book Store Employee! Next week, you'll think twice before messing with my Subscription Box!

Last issue, Flash 3000 was torn apart and I don't think Locus put him back together. Green Lantern 3000 was lucky enough to find his way inside Locus. And the Other 3000s wound up on Takron-Gestalt 3000, Prison Planet of Ultimate Enslavement. Also, I declared my never dying love for Locus.

"--that the Justice League is our last, best hope!" This is a pretty succinct synopsis of the general plot of the book.

The Five referenced here are this future's version of The Fatal Five, the evil team of evils that the Legion of Super-heroes sometimes have to defend against. I know this because one of them is The Persuader. Another one of The Five is Coeval which is a stupid name but what can you do? It's the year 3000 and all the good names have probably already been taken. But now the JL3k Gang have to take a break from saving the Commonwealth so that they can save themselves. Which they probably can't do because Locus is so cute, she's sure to defeat them.

Forget Locus defeating them. Once they arrive on Takron-Galtos (which the JL3k Gang say looks like a living hell even though it looks like Manhattan), they begin bickering. I don't think they can even manage to act like a team long enough to remember what their mission was.

We get it! It's only Issue Three and you've beaten it into the reader's brains that these are imperfect copies of the former Justice League!

Batman surrenders to the authorities because the authorities threaten to kill civilians if the JL3k Gang don't surrender. Wonder Woman 3000 seems to have lost all of her heart and compassion since being cloned for the 3000th time, so she doesn't give a fuck. Superman 3000 has lost his brains and his humility. I guess that means Batman 3000 has lost his courage. Which is why he surrenders! I suppose that makes The Flash 3000 Toto? And Green Lantern 3000 is The Wizard of Oz because Oz is Emerald and also because he can grant people's wishes. As long as the want a material object and they don't mind that it's composed entirely of green light.

Back on Locus One, homeworld of Locus, Locus mentions that she's one of The Five. I just thought she was an underling! So that makes three of The Five revealed: Locus, Coeval, and The Persuader. I bet the other two are Validus and Aquaman 3000.

Is it wrong for me to be so turned on by the idea of Locus expelling me like she did Green Lantern?

Locus begins acting a little bit crazy but not quite enough for me to lose my love boner for her. Although when she says she's tired of "giving it away for free and getting nothing in return," I begin to get nervous. What she wants in return for some hanky panky is flowers and songs and romance. Does that mean she just doesn't enjoy the fucking part of the relationship? Because I don't want to engage in coitus with somebody that is only engaging in it to satisfy me or to manipulate me or because they think it's expected of them. I want to bang somebody else that enjoys the banging! Maybe Locus just hasn't found the right bang buddy yet! Maybe her partners tend to go into the act a bit nervous because they know she can disappear their crotch on a whim.

Hal doesn't want anything to do with Locus because he must not realize how adorable she is. He must be blind because even with her psychotic ranting, I'd at least try to work it out! It's like Hal has an iron will allowing him to rebuke her charms!

Back on Takron-Galtos, the JL3k Gang have a Planet of the Apes moment.

I thought this place seemed familiar.

Meanwhile, Ariel Masters, the fugitive from Cadmus and the JL3k Project, makes another appearance. She's on Bradbury Seven which I guessed was Earth in a previous commentary but I'd forgotten about that until just now. So apparently I just go around guessing that every planet is Earth and just got lucky with Techron-Gatos

It turns out Ariel is friends with the Sheriff of Tekron-Gatos and he's calling her to let her know he's hanging out with a few of her Pet Projects 3000. Ariel has too much curiosity about what The Twins wound up accomplishing with her Pet Project 3000, so she teleports back to Tekron-Gatos to visit with her babies. Her Babies 3000.

Coeval notices her transportation and mentions another member of The Five: Kali. I bet she has a sunny disposition! Or lots of death. One of those!

Justice League 3000 #3 Rating: No change. I'm a fan of the art. I'm a fan of the science fiction world. I'm almost a fan of the protagonists. They just need to stop reminding me that they're (maybe?) Nth Iteration Clones of the original Justice League. I'm a super fan of Locus and her perky dysfunction! But I'm underwhelmed by the entire package so far. This may be the only time you'll ever see me write this, so read it closely: I really fucking hope Aquaman appears!

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