Thursday, March 20, 2014

Zod Loves Faora #6

The only way this cover could be more symmetric is if Faora wore an "M" on her chest. Fine, I guess there can be other ways. Like if Superman had a beard. Or if Kal and Diana were Zod and Faora.

Last issue the fight between Superman, Wonder Woman, Zod, and Faora ended in a stalemate. I forget why exactly. Superman fucked up his tactics and ended up with his balls in Zod's vice or something. I know it was Kal's fault; I just forget the particulars. This issue begins with Superman and Wonder Woman going about their business while Zod and Faora build a contraption to release the criminals trapped in the Phantom Zone. Apparently the good guys think a stalemate equals a moment to catch their breath. If only Batman were around to tell them otherwise.

I suppose if business is getting godly weapons and armor for battle, it's acceptable. I assumed they went off to bitch and moan about relationship problems.

Hephaestus loans them his invisible chariot so that they can sneak up on Zod. That's probably a good idea considering the armor Hephaestus made them is fucking horrendous. It makes them look like some demon from a Clive Barker novel whose skin has been used to bind an ancient book which houses the creatures most sensitive poetry, leaving its muscles and tendons exposed to the elements, raw and inflamed. This intense and constant pain is the main motivation for the creature to write poems.

Burning Fire Burn Burns
You whom I look at,
The whom who hurts my heart.
Scars it. Burns it. Tears it apart.
Not because you won't love me,
But because you won't stop breathing on the exposed muscle.
Please step back a few feet.
And stop drinking so much.

Somebody really needs to have a chat with Hephaestus. It's going to have to be me, isn't it? Okay. Fine.

"Hey? Hephaestus? First off, could you change the spelling of your name? I'm sure the Baristas at Starbucks would appreciate something a little easier to spell. At least understand it's hard to spell and stop flipping out and posting pictures of your cup to Instagram every time they spell it wrong. "Can you believe this shit? Who the fuck is "Hayfestus?" IDIOTS!" Second off, don't listen to everybody when they say you're ugly. I get that your mother treated you like shit and made you feel like a monster but what did you expect? Hera treats everybody that way! You don't have to design all of your armor to make everybody look as hideous as you feel. Buck up, Master Smith! People like you! How about putting the aesthetic back in a word that means beautiful but also has 'aesthetic' in it? We'd all appreciate it!"

Perhaps I'm asking the wrong person to design better armor but I'm not starting a conversation with Tony S. Daniel since he's doing a surprisingly terrific job on other aspects of this comic book. I don't want to interrupt him and get him off of his game. The long, drawn out fight scene is a little bit choppy but it's easy enough to follow. Unlike all the fight scenes in Hawkman when he was writing that! Holy fuck, I've never been so confused! Except maybe the first time I had sex which amounted to me mostly thinking, "Am I supposed to come now? Now? How about now?"

The ugly ass armor Hephaestus made has the ability to absorb the energy of every punch leveled against it. After Superman and Wonder Woman absorb a nice, substantial beat-down, they set off the armor causing a massive explosion that knocks Zod and Faora into the ocean. But before Clark and Diana can finish the fight, Apollo interferes because Superman was a dick to him previously.

Have your fun while you're still alive, Apollo. The First Born is coming for you.

Superman and Wonder Woman are quickly defeated by Zod and Faora now that they're filled with Apollo Juice. But they don't kill them because there isn't time. You know, that's the kind of thing you really should make time for, guys. You think you're going to stuff them into a nuclear reactor and they won't be able to heal up to stop your plans but you'd be really, really wrong. The number one rule of being a super villain (the rule that's always ignored for some reason!) is to kill the good guys when you get the chance. Stop pretending you don't have time because the clock in the Phantom Zone is always ticking. Zod can open the gate while Faora kills the heroes. Delegate, assholes! But no. They leave Supes and Wonder Woman alone while they open up a portal into the Phantom Zone where Warworld and an entire army await their lead. I hope Jim Starlin was consulted in this use of Warworld because that's his baby. It's his greatest achievement! It's such a great concept that he's stolen it from himself over and over again during his long career. Genius!

Superman and Wonder Woman have a plan to stop Zod and Faora though! They know how they can destroy the portal to the Phantom Zone which would be great since Zod and Faora have wandered inside to lead the army out. Idiots! Anyway, Kal and Diana decide to cause a nuclear explosion which will collapse the portal and save the world.

I know matter is composed of mostly empty space but you figure if her sword can split an atom, it would be accidentally splitting one every now and again, right? That doesn't seem very safe!

Anyway, they don't need to "split an atom" to get a nuclear explosion here. The Uranium isn't just sitting there not decaying! I'm pretty sure just slashing at the containment cells will set that explosion off as well. No need to be accurate or anything! Also shouldn't this thing be full of water? Or something? I'm not a Nuclear Physicist but it's not like you just turn Uranium on or off! You don't just deactivate a nuclear reactor by turning out the lights and locking the door! This seems like a fairly dangerous state to leave a reactor that's been decommissioned since 1963! I'm pretty sure you take out the radioactive material and dispose of the spent fuel rods in Nevada. But what do I know!? I just got done believing that Boomerang can block bullets with his turn-around sticks over in Superior Foes of Spider-Man!

Anyway, the (s)explosion happens and the portal is destroyed. But were Superman and Wonder Woman killed as well? Probably not. Superman can easily survive it and Wonder Woman was wrapped in his cape which we've seen can't be destroyed. It might have gotten a little hot in the middle of the blast but nothing Superman's frigid breath can't resolve.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #6 Rating: No change. There was a lot of punching in this issue. The cover was fairly accurate.

1 comment:

  1. In the comic, Zod loves Faora, indeed. In "Smallville" he finds more attractive Tess Mercer in every sense. I´m sorry.