Batgirl #29

I read this cover as "the menace Sliver" and didn't even realize I was reading it wrong until I reread my Batgirl #28 Commentary and was reminded that his name is actually Silver. The brain does have a reset button somewhere, right?

My problem with thinking of this antagonist as Sliver instead of Silver stems from thinking of him as both when I first began writing about typos and his name in last issue's commentary. It's like when somebody gives you a bit of information and then they decide they need to tell you the opposite of that information so that you don't get mixed up. But now you've got both pieces of information in your head when you think about it later and you can't figure out which one is correct. Like when someone gives directions and they say, "Take a left at the Gothic Cathedral with the Vampires wandering aimlessly on the front lawn. Be sure you don't take a right at the Gothic Cathedral because that's wrong and not right! Ha ha! Maybe I should have left that out but it came right out of my mouth and left me no choice! Maybe you should write that down? I wonder where I left my pen?" And then you're all, "Vampires? What the fuck?" And then when you're driving by the Gothic Cathedral later and you can't remember if you were supposed to go right or left, you wind up getting an eternal kiss anyway. Suddenly, arriving at your previous destination is the least of your problems.

Last issue, Sliver made his first appearance in the DC Universe. Too bad it was overshadowed by Targa's first appearance! That's his valet or butler or Renfield. Although I suspect Targa is actually the brains behind their vampire hunting outfit. I suspect this because Sliver is nuts! Targa is probably exploiting his schizophrenia to get what she wants. And what I think she wants is some man punished for not leaving his wife for her.

Sorry, no. I'll be calling you Sliver.

Sliver believes that Gotham is ruled by Vampires and that Batman is King of the Vampires. That's a fairly reasonable delusion for a madman. It's not like he believes the rulers of the Earth are all lizard people descended from the blood of Charlemagne. Although that isn't so far removed from reality to be super crazy either! I think David Icke might be on to something! Minus the lizard faces.

Batgirl and Strix have just recently discovered this new Gotham Psychopath while searching for a young, mute girl that has recently disappeared. According to Sliver, she's the Queen of the Vampire People because he saw her sucking down gallons of blood in the transfusion ward of Gotham General Hospital. Are there wards dedicated to transfusions? Maybe I meant the transfusion cubicle.

This should be Batgirl's regular Bat-look! Also she should change her name to Succubus General.

The Gotham Police have broken up a fight between Barbara and Strix and Targa and Sliver. They've drawn their guns and have demanded that everyone get down on the ground when Sliver confuses them all by slicing open his own throat. The Gotham Police have no idea what to do when the criminals begin abusing themselves. Doesn't Sliver have to be in the union to commit brutality on himself during an arrest? Their confusion grows when Sliver's car grows machine guns and begins shooting the shit out of their cars. What the fuck does Sliver's car have against their cars?! Bully.

Everybody escapes while the Gotham Police stand around moaning about how much their job sucks. At least they don't work in Seattle where an archer would outshine them every day.

Later, Batgirl gets more information from her Best Fremesis Forever, Knightfall. Maybe Knightfall will become the new Oracle!

Hey masseuse. Unless this massage is going to end in anal, put a fucking shirt on.

Strix decides she's going to kill Sliver and Targa if the little girl they kidnapped is hurt. That's sensible. But Batgirl won't see reason and declares that nobody will die and that Strix needs to promise that she won't kill. So Strix promises.

TO KILL!

I suppose Strix is in many ways still a child. So this is her way of crossing her fingers behind her back to fool a parent or a sibling. So on the one hand, we have the talon known as The Gotham Butcher that would have simply ripped Batgirl's demanding head off. And on the other, we have Strix that still wants to kill because that's all she was trained to do but now has to justify lying because she's made a friend. What a wussy baby! That's what happens when you make friends! They always demand you do things you don't want to do, forcing you to lie to them so you can keep doing the things you want to do that they don't like you doing! Didn't the Mormon Church have a singing commercial about this kind of friendship?

"My friend told me that I should never be myself!
Because apparently I love Joseph Smith too much!
But a friend that makes demands is not a friend that makes demands because it's really just a jerk that makes demands!

That friend told me I should try some coke!
But I said I'm fine with root beer and sprite!
But that friend kept making demands so now that friend that made demands is just a jerk that mom won't let me see anymore!

So remember never make demands of friends!
Unless that demand might save them from an eternal suffering in Hell!
Then it's okay to make demands when those very same demands along with magic underwear will help your friends!"

This message was brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Batgirl either needs to bone up on her detektif skills or gain more experience dealing with children so she isn't fooled by this stupid trick next time!

Sliver prepares himself for his nocturnal visitors by drinking a gallon of mercury. Or silver nitrate. Or water with a few calcium carbonate tablets dropped in. And then his guests arrive!

Okay, seriously. Batgirl and Strix's costumes just get better and better. DC should change the title of this comic from Batgirl to Succubus General immediately.

Batgirl and Strix defeat Sliver without anybody getting killed although Batgirl does punch Strix in the face while telling Strix that she gave her no choice. I think Batgirl needs to sit down and watch that Mormon commercial a few more times. Seriously. Strix can only be her friend if she refuses to kill? She's a Talon! It's what she was trained to do! And even if she breaks training, she's still gotta be pretty pissed off at the world. If this is how Batgirl deals with relationships, Ricky had better start running! Or...um...sorry, Ricky. I didn't mean for that to sound insensitive.

Sliver surrenders because the vampires spare his life and he doesn't remember the last time he met a vampire that spared peoples lives. And then little Cissy comes toddling around the corner into the arms of her saviors.

If I had a little girl, she'd be going as Cissy Chastaine this year for Halloween. I'd teach her to say this to everybody handing out candy. She'd be the hit of the neighborhood!

Turns out Sliver's schizophrenia is based, slightly, in reality. The fact that his mother was killed by a vampire and that he actually caught one doesn't erase his frequent delusions that normal people are vampires. He just happened to be correct this time. Once Cissy is shown to be a vampire, and after she takes a bite of Sliver's neck, Andrew Bennett arrives like some thing out of some other thing. Before he can take Cissy back to his Vampire Commune, she bursts into flames because that gallon of piss Sliver drank earlier? Holy water. I suppose he can also whip out his penis and spray vampires to death as a last resort. Bennett says, "Oh, you got me, Sliver!" And Miss Targa goes, "Don't worry about me! I'm fine!" And then everybody but Batgirl and Strix disappear.

Freeze Frame. Audience Laughter.

Batgirl #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. I was happy to see Andrew Bennett back for a moment! And it was nice to see the reversal and find out that Cissy was actually a vampire. That means Miss Targa is on the side of good! Which means she and Alfred might begin dating! Look, I realize she can date a lot of people in Gotham but I'm sure Wayne and his rich cohorts have strict rules about who the help can and can't date. So it's not like I'm being the classhole here! I'd let Alfred date any guy in Gotham he chose! Although now that I'm fond of Miss Targa, I have to hope Alfred is into women as well as men.