Sunday, March 9, 2014

Superman #28

Out of everything physically wrong with this cover, the thing that still boggles my mind the most is clothing that clings to every muscle but shows no hint of Superman's penis.

[Disclaimer: The author of this article is not mocking people with Tourette Syndrome. The author has no control over the number of swear words, random facial tics, and wild gesticulations (tics and gestures not noted in the text) which Scott Lobdell's awful writing wrench from the author's psyche during the review process. We humbly ask those with delicate constitutions to refrain from reading the following review for Superman #28. End Disclaimer.]

Is that how you end a Disclaimer? I didn't want somebody to think this entire commentary was the disclaimer! Maybe I should have encased the entire thing in square brackets and Bold tags? Oh! That's a good idea. I'll do that!

The issue begins from Lois Lane's point of view as she investigates the dark streets of Metropolis! Scott Lobdell has chosen to not only ruin the character of Superman but Lois as well. He already tried to make her into a super reporter by giving her psionic powers but since that was a shitty idea, he had to write another story where she lost those powers. Most of Scott Lobdell's story ideas come from having to correct his other story ideas. In that way, he's got a never ending resource for new ideas! He also made Jimmy Olsen rich know? I have no idea why he did that! Simply to get Jimmy Olsen out of Clark's life? And speaking of Clark's life, Lobdell made sure to separate Clark Kent from The Daily Planet because that was so last DC Universe. What Clark really needs is a job on a shitty entertainment and gossip blog. Clark Kent, the new Tyler Durden!

I'm glad that DC is allowing characters to really veer from the path of their old Preboot lives in The New 52 but it would be nice if somebody gave some fucking thought to each move and how it actually makes the character more interesting after execution. Like how Two-Face is way more interesting now that Tomasi has killed him. Brilliant!

Lois Lane was on a ride along with two Metropolis Police Officers when they came under attack by armed assholes in Suicide Slums. Lois Lane becomes fed up and accidentally uses her psychic powers to get everyone to stop shooting. Fuck. I guess DC and Scott Lobdell didn't decide Lois having super powers was a bad idea. They just decided that Lois knowing Superman's secret identity was a bad idea. Although if she still has her psychic powers (although greatly reduced due to The Parasite), she's still going to be able to read Superman's mind and discover he's Clark Kent. Or read Clark Kent's mind and discover he has some really disgusting fantasies involving her, a dozen ears of corn, and a bucket of fresh cow's milk. Ugh. People from Kansas and their sexual proclivities disgust me! Sure, I still occasionally masturbate to my memories of that sex barn in Salina but that doesn't mean I don't feel extremely dirty and shameful afterward.

Meanwhile Superman finds a translucent heavenly door floating in Earth's orbit because why not?

Good thing Shay appeared because otherwise Superman would have moved the door and destroyed the Earth. That's just a guess "Doctor" Veritas has come up with using her omnismarts.

I haven't really been putting a lot of thought into why Scott Lobdell loves to seed his comic books with possibly future plots that never seem to fit in with the current story. Instead of creating a tapestry where his story ideas interweave and bolster each other to produce an exciting ongoing story that builds upon itself (sometimes retracing its steps, sometimes involving stories moving in parallel which enrich both through synchronicity and juxtaposition), Lobdell's stories are like a box of Legos emptied onto the floor. Upon glancing down, you see a lot of pieces that might shape up to be something spectacular but mostly they're a hazard to bare feet. But I think I finally realized why he does it! Because the artist needs a continuous source of pages to keep working in a timely manner! So if Scott Lobdell can't figure out how to advance the stupid fucking story he's currently working on, he comes up with another stupid fucking idea that he can expand upon later. So he looks down at his Legos while Brett Booth waits sitting patiently crosslegged in the corner, picks up a couple of handful of pieces and tosses them over to Brett. "Work on these for a bit!" he says as he goes back to wishing his 90s X-Men money had never run dry.

Superman decides to wait and watch although he thinks about how uncomfortable that makes him feel. It's not like his other comic book title is called "Wait and Watch Comics"! On his way home, he suddenly loses the fine tuned control he usually has with his X-Ray Vision.

I really don't see the purpose of this. It would have been just as easy (and more to the character and his powers) to have him use his Super Vision to notice that Jimmy Olsen was crashing on his couch. I guess Lobdell really needed to make that "911 on speed dial" joke.

So Jimmy Olsen is crashing on Clark Kent's couch. Does that mean Lobdell was forced to take away Jimmy's riches just like he had to take away Lois's psychic power (which hasn't completely taken yet but I'm sure he's assuring his editors that he's getting to it)?

It turns out Jimmy is still wealthy beyond belief because his parents are still missing (though not in a way that should make Clark worry). Jimmy just wants to live a normal life which, according to him, is crashing on his friend's couch, mooching, and generally being an annoying dick sucking up all of Clark's free time. And then Cat comes calling, probably to talk business. But since she's a woman and Clark is a man, Jimmy Olsen jumps to the conclusion that she's there to fuck because why else would a woman come visit a man at night, right? Business partners schmizness partners! She has a vagina so there's only one reason she'd be there!

While all of that nonsense takes place, General Sam Lane has to spend a few pages thinking about The Tower in a way that explains nothing but at least gives Brett Booth a few pages of art to get done.

"Thanks for bringing your vagina by to talk business."

During these two pages of Brett Booth Busywork, a mysterious person in a tiny bowler hat invades Sam Lane's home so that he can mysteriously say, "Blah blah blah blah blah...The Tower!" And then the scene ends with the reader happily being reminded for the third or fourth month in a row that Lobdell has a sub-plot about something called The Tower and that he's still trying to come up with a story for it. But he hopes we're all really intrigued by now! I know I've ruined four or five good pairs of underwear thinking about how exciting The Tower story is going to be! Whoops! There goes another pair!

Back at Clark's apartment, Cat Grant tells Clark Kent the exciting news about how Morgan Edge has a wallet big enough to hold thirteen million dollars in cash!

In Clark's apartment, the couch is for the men. The women are allowed to sit on tables. Like snacks.

Clark doesn't want to sell because he believes in Cat. That makes her feel good because people have only ever believed in her vagina before this and even though she had an idea and she executed that idea and she scored a big story about Superman and Wonder Woman, she wasn't sure she was succeeding until Clark Kent told her she was. But then that's when Jimmy Olsen points out that her blog is actually shit and the only reason a person like Edge would have offered to buy it was to shut it down and shut it up. The exact reason they began the blog was so that they couldn't be shut up by political and corporate powers. And when power fails, money usually gets the job done. But not this time! Because Clark and Cat don't need money when they have truth and a huge gossip story about whom Wonder Woman decided to fuck after Colonel Trevor on their side!

I suppose Jimmy Olsen can probably help them out with the money thing anyway if they're really desperate. Even if he tried to turn the site into a porn hub, Clark would probably set him straight.

Later, Clark shows up at police headquarters to check in on Lois.

Wait a second?! Did she even get to keep his secret identity!? So the whole point of The Parasite story was simply to make Clark think she doesn't know it? Great.

So now Lois isn't going to come to love Clark for being Clark, is she? Is she only going to fall in love with him because he's Superman? That makes sense. Clark is a douche. And I mainly say that because he's letting Jimmy Olsen sleep on his couch. That kid is richer than fuck and Clark is willing to let him mooch off his poor ass instead of telling him to fuck off. You can still be his friend without having to completely take care of him, Clark! He's a grown fucking man!

Finally, Lobdell has decided he hasn't annoyed me enough with his version of Roy Harper, so he gives him a cameo where he gets to mention how sexy Starfire is when she's concerned about a dire threat to the world. What is the dire threat? Come on! You don't think Scott Lobdell would say anything specific, do you? Especially when he's at the end of the comic book and he can leave it hanging for a month, giving him time to come up with an idea. The main idea that was probably in his outline for DC so they actually believed he had a story was "And then Starfire arrives to stop this new threat to Earth (which will be a surprise that I don't want to spoil (even for myself!)) and she gets in a battle with Superman which will sell a lot of comic books. Also this issue, a certain vagina (other than the Tamaranean vagina that I already mentioned) pays Clark a surprise visit!"

Kryptonian arrogance? Are they known across the galaxy for that? Stuck up snotty bastards!

Starfire completely destroys the Metropolis Police Precinct because the world needs saving now! And Starfire doesn't have time to explain herself to Superman so I guess she must have planned in enough time to fight with him since he's not going to take that "no time to explain" bullshit! There's always time to explain since "no time to explain" always leads to a fight between heroes which takes more time than it would have taken to explain! And then once they stop fighting, the instigator usually finds time to explain! This might be one of the most horrible tropes in comicdom.

Superman #28 Rating: -1 Ranking. I already know exactly what I'm going to regret if I'm allowed to die slowly on a nice, comfortable deathbed. I will regret every single fucking minute I spent reading Scott Lobdell comic books.

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