Worlds' Finest #20

Before Ward Kendall, Hero of America's Traditional Values (if the only traditional value you're concerned with is having "white" skin, that is), interrupted me in my last commentary, I was about to delve a little bit into my past. One of the thousands of themes that I keep coming back to across my thousand plus comic book commentaries is how little we actually change as people. I suppose it's why people like Ward Kendall have such a hard time dealing with a society that doesn't fit his idea of past tradition. Not that people don't change in a wide variety of ways. But there are essential bits of us that don't come down to our ideology or our religion or our political beliefs. They're aspects of the way we act and approach the world around us. They do not define us but they often control the way we present ourselves to the world around us. Perhaps they're the things that cause other people to attempt to define us. Say a person is deemed "weird" in kindergarten, they are likely to continue to be thought of as weird as an adult simply because they retain the same mannerisms across the years that grate and chafe against what people trying to fit in deem as normative. I'm beginning with some crap my mom kept about my first year of school: kindergarten.

Before I scan in a few artifacts from the time, I should point out that the best piece of evidence that I'm still the same person I was in first grade is currently lost. But I think this other shit is interesting as well. We'll get to Batman soon enough, comic book nerds!

My mother circled "Awards" and "Achievements" as things that were enclosed in the Kindergarten File. Let's just say she's really stretching the definition of those words.

As you can see, I began school at the tender age of four. Although that point might be arguable. I was enrolled in school at four years of age. But seeing that my birthday was just a few weeks later and every day I simply sat by myself refusing to do anything the teacher asked of me for the first one or two months, it's possible I didn't actually "begin" school until I was five. I don't remember what eventually turned me around on the whole school experience. Maybe it was playing in the sandbox with the rubber animals. Or perhaps by the time I wanted to join in, I had met my best friend Judy. Or I might have been lured in by my absolute, all-time favorite activity of Kindergarten (no, not nap-time although, come on! Awesome): playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" I've never in my life done heroin but I imagine it's akin to the feeling of keeping the button in your hands and pretending to pass it on to the child sitting on the carpet next to you. The elation! The power! The screwing over of the masses! It's also possible this game taught me that fucking the system and inciting chaos was the only way to live.

So I was the youngest kid in my class throughout high school. I think that means something about the way I view myself among my peers or something. I'm sure somebody's done a study that I'm supposed to be interested in so that I can lose a little bit of myself and my own individuality by seeing that all kids in the same group wind up the same way. I'm going to blame all of my failures on Youngest Kid in Class Syndrome!

I'm sure I sandbagged this IQ score!

I'm sure my mom was thrilled to think she had some kind of evil genius baby boy only to be betrayed by his declaration that he wanted to be a truck driver.

Apparently we took some bullshit IQ test in Kindergarten to find out which kids should be culled from the herd of average cows. That's what that "MGM Class" note means. I think the "G" stands for gifted but I'm too fucking stupid to figure out what the "M"s stand for. C.W. Haman Elementary decided to drop the gifted class across all grades before this class even began. We wound up having GATE (Gifted and Talented Education. Unless it was actually "Great Access To Evil" since C.W. Haman was apparently a school for budding Satanists) for 4th through 6th Grade only.

Notice how I made no new friends. That will remain consistent throughout school. Not that I didn't have friends (like Judy I mentioned!); it's just that I never told anybody about them.

So what were my achievements in Kindergarten?

Nine stars on a strip of paper, bitches!

A Yellow Ribbon for Participation! And what did I participate in to earn this esteemed badge of honor?

A picnic!

So to sum up Kindergarten: I rocked a fucking picnic, I earned Nine out of Who Knows How Many Stars for some mystery reason, I made no friends because they were all fucking jealous of my "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" skills, and I dreamed of being a truck driver, the meth-fueled backbone of American industry! Mom and Dad must have been so proud at the stellar amounts of potential I was wasting. And I never disappointed them!

So now that I'm done with the discussing me part of this commentary, I guess I'll get back to Batman, Superman, The Huntress, and Power Girl as they tell New Gamorra to knock it the fuck off. First things first: keep Power Girl and Superman from crashing to the Earth from a low level orbit.

I hope Batman winds up having a soft spot for The Huntress. I'm sure when he finds out she knew Damian, there will be some bonding and Bat-Tears (caused by Joker Dust, of course).

I was disappointed when I realized First Contact was going to bounce back and forth between this series and Batman Loves Superman. I understood why! It's a perfect way to present this story. But I was looking forward to Levitz' version since I realized it's going to be more emotional and full of heart. Pak's version was just going to be a lot of Superman and Batman pulling out the Bat-Ruler and comparing penis sizes. Sure, that's exciting and informative but there's a time and a place for it. That time and place is not a story about how my two favorite BFFs from Earth 2 finally meet their familial counterparts on New Earth. Believe me when I say family reunions are not the best time for comparing genitalia.

Power Girl's powers have returned to normal because Superman caught whatever she had (a severe case of Gamorran Nanites, it would appear). Batman slings some Kryptonite around Superman's neck and heads off with Power Girl to stop Kaizen Gamorra from doing whatever despicable thing he's doing. They know it's despicable because he's Kaizen Gamorra. I don't think anybody by the name of Kaizen Gamorra has ever done anything not evil. The Huntress and Superman remain out of the fight because Superman has lost his crazy time powers thanks to Batman's Kryptonite. Eventually a Gamorran Super Soldier comes looking for the Nanites in Superman's body. The Huntress steps up to save the day because Superman is useless. Superman doesn't think he's useless or want to admit that he's useless but he is. Totally useless. Like Aquaman.

The other half is Catwoman! See how I pick up on subtlety! Unless that wasn't subtle. I have a hard time noting subtlety because everything is so obvious to me!

Meanwhile Rorschach Batman and Power Girl infiltrate New Gamorra. They do this by simply flying to the island. Old Gamorra never would have let anybody get this close without their knowledge! I guess the Son of Kaizen Gamorra is a pale copy of his old man. I bet even though he's only half-Kaizen Gamorra, Regulus would not be ambushed by the likes of Batman. Although he was ambushed by Batgirl, so maybe I'm wrong about that.

Batman wants to sneak in like a sneaker but Power Girl thinks Batman is an asshole. I can't argue against that but that doesn't mean her method of invading New Gamorra is any better. Her method is to knock on the front door and make friends with Son of Kaizen Gamorra because he titillates her fancy pants. Not only is he interested in her for the obvious reasons (her strong will and intelligence) but also because her molecules are all left-handed. Left-handed is another way of saying kinky. So I think the next step for these two lover birds is to find a men's bathroom.

Although I just thought of something! If the Nanites were seeking left-handed molecules and those molecules can only come from a left-handed universe, why did the nanites decided to occupy Superman? I guess he's freakier than I first imagined!

Batman discovers via sneaker-mode that the Son of Kaizen Gamorra has been using Power Girl's DNA to build an army of partially Kryptonian Clone-Things. Power Girl doesn't discover this until Son of Kaizen Gamorra gets creepy with her.

He doesn't think he can hurt her. But he thinks his Clone-Things can.

Meanwhile Helena and Kal have arrived on New Gamorra posing as journalists. I'd sooner pose as pedophiles.

Worlds' Finest #20 Rating: No change. So far it seems that nobody likes Batman. I'm not even sure Alfred likes Batman. The only chance of anybody ever liking Batman at all lies with Selina Kyle and I think he's going to reject the fuck out of her because Batman doesn't know how to be loved. Superman, on the other hand, is well liked by almost everybody who knows him even though he's a complete asshole. Batman and Superman had better stop with their childish rivalry since they only have each other.