A.R.G.U.S. #5

I really thought the goal of this comic book was to have Steve Trevor help the Justice League escape from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. But isn't Stargirl going to accomplish that over in Fucking Kittens Nasty Justice League of America? I don't know. Maybe they'll all team up or something. Maybe The Green will be explained. Maybe Steve Trevor will owe his first born child to the Three Witches of the Mirror. Maybe a lot of things might happen that I haven't given much thought. And since my daily ramble tank is dry, I'd better just read this stupid comic book.

Sorry, Mr. Sterling Gates! I didn't mean it's stupid in the sense that it sucks. I meant it's stupid in the sense that it's sitting here at the top of my comic book stack demanding it gets read when I have video games to play and salsa to dip chips into and eat. You know what I mean? More intellectual and demanding tasks await my attention.

Currently Steve Trevor is hunting Cheetah because he realized (with the help of a telekinetic and a barn owl) that he needs Cheetah's Lasso of Truth to save the Justice League. Don't worry about the logistics of the plan! It's a comic book! Just assume it's going to work! But it won't work smoothly! We're going to have to plow our way through a fight scene where the hero nearly loses but rises in the end to save the day! So just hang on! We'll be through this in just a moment.

Liar! The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men was full of Firestorms! If you can't make a new one, I'm sure you can find Pozhar's number on the internet.

Martin Stein goes on to say how Killer Frost probably specifically needs Jason and Ronnie's specific Firestorm Matrix Power but if I'd scanned that part, I couldn't have called him a liar. I could have but it wouldn't have stood up in court with that evidence. So instead I manipulated that evidence to make Stein look like a dick! Which he is anyway. So I feel justified.

Steve Trevor and Killer Frost head into Central Park in New York to track down Cheetah. Apparently all the super villains escaped from the Central Park Zoo because they seem to all be animal themed. At least the one they're hunting and the first one to attack them: Weasel! Ha ha. Weasel. What a jerk. He was last seen getting his ass kicked by Damian in a Batman and Robin Annual. I think. Let me check my archives!

La la la. *thumb through dusty pages* *scratch junk* *taste fingers* La la la.

"Aha! Here it is! Sort of. Whatever. I was right."

So The Weasel is lucky to be alive having faced off against Damian while Batman was on vacation. Not a lot of criminals can say they walked away from that encounter. But The Weasel, being one of Firestorm's enemies, must be used to getting his ass handed to him. Seriously. How was this guy even close to being a match for Firestorm? It's just silly!

Steve Trevor makes a "Weasel Stomping Day" joke which is a pretty nerdy reference for Steve. Does he listen to Weird Al or did he just come up with this one liner thinking it sounded funny? I once saw Weird Al in concert at the Oregon State Fair. Let's face it: the guy is a genius. If you disagree, you probably have a stick lodged inside you somewhere. Don't worry. It's not fatal in and of itself. As long as you keep to yourself and don't bother people with quick tempers, you should be okay living your boring life of cultural snobbery.

Really though? What are the chances you're reading a comic book blog and you don't own at least one of Weird Al's records? One of the first records I ever purchased with my own money was Weird Al in 3-D. Big surprise, right?

Of course he's a joke! He's not a man with a super power that commits illegal acts! He's a victim of some catastrophic event that took away his humanity and does despicable things in the hope somebody kills him and puts him out of his misery!

Killer Frost does not choose to kill Weasel because she suddenly has a problem with Steve Trevor's ethics when he doesn't try to stop her. I suppose it's one thing to hang out with a hero when you think he'll always do the heroic thing and you can get one over on him when you get what you want. But to realize that hero might be planning to do the same to you when he's got what he needs? That's a bit unsettling. They argue long enough to attract the attention of Cheetah and The New Zoo Revue.

It's all happening at the zoo! "It" being mostly murder and feeding frenzies.

Killer Frost and Steve Trevor last about three seconds against these guys. I recognize Lion-Mane from Batwing but not the others. I think, from left to right, they are Chupacabra, Zebra Nation, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hekyl (the dogs), Of Mice and Merrick, Cheetah, Lion-Mane, and I Need An Upgrade To First Class, Bitch! Do You Know Who I Am? Ape.

Meanwhile in a secret place, The Crimson Men, an ancient secret sect, promise Dr. Light that they can make him human again. What is he now? I don't know? Some kind of squidgy afterdeath? That's like afterbirth but composed of mostly ectoplasm. Charr, the leader of The Crimson Men (or at least press agent) strikes a deal with Dr. Light: in exchange for information on Steve Trevor, Dr. Light will get his old life back. I think they really just want his power.

Back in Central Park, Steve Trevor names the villains for me: Lion-Mane, Hellhound and his doggies, Primape, and the others which he doesn't recognize. That's okay. I'm fairly certain I guessed their names correctly.

Cheetah decides to try to get Steve Trevor to confess his love for Wonder Woman while he's bound in the Lasso of Truth. While that takes place, Killer Frost lures Mäuschen to her cage with the protein bar Trevor gave her. I suppose since Mäuschen was just created this issue, he's going to have to sacrifice his little mousy heat so that Killer Frost can escape. Poor thing. Once I saw the tiny sword on his back, he became my favorite character ever. And now he's going to die! That's just wrong.

See? This is the part where the hero nearly loses but then rises up and comes through with his pure heart and dedication to saving everything!

Steve subdues Cheetah while Killer Frost takes out Elephantitis and Hellhound. Primandproperape, Crazy-Manes, Zebra Nation, and Hellhound's dogs are nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they took off once the Lasso of Truth had Cheetah bound and her influence over them wore off. But it's okay if they've run off with multiple tails between their legs because Dr. Light has just arrived to finish off Steve Trevor once and for all.

A.R.G.U.S. #5 Rating: No change. This was a pretty good issue except that part where Mäuschen died and I decided to never forgive Sterling Gates ever again. How would you like it if I wrote a comic book and sold it at a comic shop near you and you purchased it and you read it and you discovered your new favorite character and I killed it off? Right there in your own home? Yeah, it doesn't feel so great, does it?! I hope Issue #6 shows him still alive!