Friday, March 28, 2014

Birds of Prey #29

This is a really nice looking cover. Marred only by the asshole at the top. Fuck Condor!

Tonight I tried to make a Birds of Prey crossword puzzle but I couldn't figure out how to fit "Condor" and "Jerk Off" and "Found Dead In A Gutter" and "Amanda Conner and Kurt Lance's Love Baby" and "Asshole" and "I Hate Condor" and "Die Die Die Die Die Die Die Just Fucking Die Already" all on the same grid. Granted, I didn't try very hard. But I think I expelled some of my rage hate for Condor, so I might go easy on him during this commentary.

This issue is called "The Eve of Battle" because the Birds of Prey and Mother Eve are going to have a battle with Ra's al Ghul! So it's possibly very clever. It could have been accidentally clever as well but that's still clever. The title might also be "Eve of the Battle." It's either not very clear or I'm a moron.

Page one treats us to a full body shot of Black Canary as she Canary Screams over the side of the boat and into the wind. That's her version of making a crossword puzzle to expel the raging desire to put Condor's head in a wood chipper. I can't wait to see how Strix deals with her dislike of Condor! I sure hope this ship has a wood chipper on it!

Wait a second! How did my thoughts appear in the comic book?!

Page two mistreats us with Condor's deepest thoughts as he works out his rage as well.

Condor learns that Kurt Lance has become a permanent vegetable! Wait. Is calling someone a vegetable insulting? It's not like they'd know, right? Does that matter? I call my mom a fucking asshole all the time but not to her face and she doesn't seem to mind! Sometimes late at night, I scream, "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! HOW DARE YOU BRING ME INTO THIS MISERABLE WORLD? I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS PAIN AND LONELINESS!" Then my neighbor screams, "Hey Dickface! I'm trying to sleep. How about finding Jesus already?!" And then I yell, "GO FUCK YOUR CHICKENS!" And then I hear the cock of a .357 Magnum from twenty feet away and I yell, "SORRY SORRY SORRY I'LL BE QUIET PRAISE JESUS!" And then everyone is quiet until 3:34 AM the next night.

The doctors have suggested that Black Canary unhook Kurt Lance from life support so that he can pass away peacefully. But Condor is all, "No no no! Let me do that!"

It's possible Kurt Lance is just fine and Condor is manipulating the machinery to look like Kurt has no brain activity. I wouldn't put it past him. He's a huge asshole. You can tell because he wears his stupid helmet into Kurt's hospital room instead of taking it off to show respect for the dead. I mean, dying! Bah, he might as well be dead. It's not like Amanda Waller is here to save his ass.

Condor decides to go sexually harass Black Canary while she's inconsolable over her husband's condition.

Watch the hand, creeper!

While Condor searches for a dark corner of the ship to weep hysterically from the pain of his broken heart, Windfall Uplink catches up to him with some bad news: Strix is a stupid mother fucker. She's been trying to get Strix to use a computer tablet to communicate but she keeps ruining the tablets by scratching her words into the screens as if they were marble tablets. I actually think she's just goofing on Uplink because Uplink made her remember lots of bad memories. So Strix decides to ruin all of Uplink's toys. And then Strix takes off to find Batgirl and fight vampires and little girls over in Batgirl. Condor figures this comic book is called Birds of Prey and not Condor (thank the stars!), so he flies off to find the rest of his team. Uplink asks if she should let Black Canary know what's up and Condor tears up instantly.

Oh, she'll notice! She'll wonder why nobody has tried to touch her butt in the last half hour.

While the rest of the Birds of Prey are off the ship, Black Canary decides to shoot Kurt up with Ra's al Ghul's Lazarus Pit Serum. It's her only chance to save him and completely destroy Condor's chances of love! I hope it works! Broken hearts are probably the most painful thing a person can experience just after kidney stones and childbirth. So I wouldn't wish it on anybody unless I truly, truly hated them.

Congratulations, Condor! Hope you enjoy sobbing uncontrollably until you pass out from exhaustion!

I bet the doctor was told by Mother Eve to inform her if Kurt gets better because she knows the only way his condition can improve is if he ingests some of Ra's al Ghul's bathwater. So now she knows Black Canary is going to betray her! But if she's a true Wise Woman archetype, Mother Eve will let Black Canary know she's going to betray her. And she'll forgive Black Canary. And, as a true Wise Woman archetype, she'll insist that Black Canary betray her so that she can bring back her love. She's going to go Christ Shit Balls all over this mother.

Or she'll do that other thing where she just trusts Canary's good nature and believe in Canary so much that Canary won't betray her at all. One of those two things will happen!

Meanwhile in Gotham, Condor bitches and moans and whines and cries almost exactly the way I did in eighth grade when Marilyn Mendoza told me she didn't like being stared at. Oh yeah, Marilyn?! Well I didn't like you not liking being stared at! I was crushing so hard on this girl that I actually stopped staring at her. For months. Until she approached me and said, "I wouldn't go in there. I think a fight's about to start." I was heading into the A Wing where my locker was and I couldn't believe my good fortune! She had forgiven me! She'd found my penance worthy! I bravely said, "That's okay. I have to get to my locker." And from that point on, we were on speaking terms again! And from that point on, she pursued me! Although I was too shy and stupid to react to her advances. You see, my only move was staring at her from afar and fantasizing late at night that we were part of the Elfquest World. I didn't have it in me to actually answer her when she passed me the note that said "I love you anyways" or accept her school picture when she asked me in a joking manner if I wanted one or took the hint when I saw her looking at me standing in line to sign up for Tennis for P.E. and noticing how she talked her friends into changing from Volleyball to Tennis (idiot! What was wrong with ninth grade me?!). We eventually went on to different high schools and I never saw her again. And we all lived ever after!

Her dedication in our 9th Grade Year Book. I didn't notice the "Luv ya kid" until halfway through summer when my friend Sal pointed it out. I never saw her again. Fuck you, Condor! I hope you experience this kind of pain, you shit!

Condor almost gets lucky when he's nearly put out of his misery by a drone. Except the drone wasn't trying to kill him; it was sending a message. Ra's al Ghul wants Condor on his team, broken heart and all!

You know, I used to respect Ra's al Ghul. But he wants Condor working on his side? Ugh. Loser.

Oh wait! Maybe I like Ra's again! I see what he's doing! He's giving that jerk Condor hope only to pull the hope rug out from under his stupid hopeful feet! Ha ha! Good one, Ra's!

Now that Ra's al Ghul has his various plans in motion, all he has to do is wait until nightfall before he attacks. For some reason. Probably because evil people fight better in the dark. Also ninjas fight better in the dark. And assassins. But old black wise women don't fight so well in the dark. Too bad she wasn't blind as well, as I've noted all along! Then she'd have the advantage.

Mother Eve reveals that the reason Ra's al Ghul is attacking her is to find out her secret of immortality. He's tired of long soaks in putrid water. He wants to be able to live forever from within! But he'll have to win this battle to learn the secret. Which means Black Canary will have to betray her friends! That most likely won't happen. I'm about 60% sure of it.

Mother Eve makes sure Black Canary knows everything about her process and how long it takes so that if she wants to betray her, she can.

Hell, Mother Eve is practically committing suicide!

And then the ninjas attack and the issue ends! So next issue will be the real treat where Ra's al Ghul betrays Condor by giving him everything he wants when Kurt is killed! But Black Canary will probably never be able to love another man and Condor will be devastated! Ha ha!

Birds of Prey #29 Rating: +2 Ranking. Finally, I'm kind of enjoying this comic book! I suppose it's mostly because Condor couldn't catch a break this issue. But I also think the team is finally involved in a story that's at least engaging their own desires and providing real motivations for their actions. Hopefully Condor will die or leave after this war, the Birds will break up for a bit, and then they'll reform with Black Canary, Strix, Skitters, and Mouse.

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