Green Arrow #29

The Axe Clan's emblem is a cock and balls.

The attributes of each clan were making fairly decent sense up until The Axe Clan appeared. What makes a person with an axe wise and truthful? Bravery makes sense because you have to get into close combat while swinging a fairly poorly weighted weapon. It's not foolhardy like just using your fist would be and not cowardly like relying on a shield. But wisdom and truth? Those must be metaphorical! Am I supposed to recall some parable about how an axe is a simple truth? Maybe it represents the wisdom of Solomon because Solomon was going to chop that baby in twain with an axe because he was so wise. That's weird. Nobody ever called Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees wise and they chopped a lot of people in half.

I'm sure the Sword and Arrow Clan covers are available online (and just mentioning them will cause somebody to comment on the clan attributes!) but let me try to guess their attributes now. Arrow will have Precision, Balance, and Focus. Sword will have Balance (if Arrow doesn't! If Arrow does, then make this attribute Stabbiness), Speed, and Power. The last clan, The Owl Clan, will have Douchiness, Secrecy, and Gloryholes.

Last issue, Oliver just found out his father was still alive, got scared that his dad might find out that Ollie destroyed the family business, and ran into the jungle to hide. Some other stuff happened too but I don't think it was very important to the overall story. Naomi and Henry were still doing nothing but eating pizza and flirting with each other. I guess The Spear Clan being overthrown by The Fisting Clan was notable. It was probably also some kind of hidden lesbian agenda as they toppled the patriarchal phallus wielders to replace them with a mightier sexual instrument of penetration, the Fist. The leader of the Fisting Clan was female, so I might have sussed out Lemire's secret plot point.

This is practically like my drawing from The Movement #10 Commentary! A balloon and a scapegoat!

Komodo, the current leader of The Arrow Clan (although he doesn't have the Arrow Totem so he's more like a regent or an usurper or a powerless figurehead), gives a rousing speech to the people loyal to The Outsiders. These people include the Spear Clan, the Shield Clan, the Fisting Clan, and the Arrow Clan. They also kind of include his fake daughter, Emiko (actually the daughter of Shado and Robert "Richard" Queen), although not for long. You see, he told her that her mother, Shado, had died years ago. But now Komodo mentions that Shado might be among the people coming to destroy The Outsiders with Green Arrow and Emiko is backstage listening. The only reason Emiko has been driven to train so hard and why she's full of anger was to kill Oliver Queen, the son of the man that supposedly killed her mother. But if her mother is not dead, that means her fake dad is a liar (which should be obvious since he's not a member of The Axe Clan and also doesn't even fucking own The Totem Arrow of Truth). It looks like it's time for Ollie's half-sister to switch half-sides!

Green Arrow has come to Prague alone to defeat Komodo. At this point, I'm not sure why he's bothering. You see, I've forgotten what his motivation was! Magus was kind of leading him blindly by the hand for awhile and I think Ollie was interested in finding out what happened to his father. He's also searching for some vague triple dragon threat. I think the dragons were Shado, Komodo, and Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. I think the bottom line is Ollie just needs to punch Komodo in the teeth for destroying his business and killing one or two of his friends. Maybe he also needs to stop The Outsiders from taking over the world. If I were Ollie, I would have just given it all up when I found out my father was alive and had been manipulating me for years. I would have just walked away, bought a Volkswagen Bus, and hit the road to wander forever without a care in the world. Except maybe how to afford gas for the car and food for my tummy.

Your mistake was actually giving a fuck and heading to Prague to be a big, bad hero.

Ollie's first comment to the Spear Clan Members surrounding him is, "Komodo still nursing his missing eyeball?" That's just a disturbing image. Even if you could nurse something that was missing, where would you stick the nipple in the eyeball?

The Spear Clan's rebuttal is "DON'T YOU FUCKING DISRESPECT OUR GIGANTIC MIGHTY SPEARS WHICH WERE THE FIRST WEAPON IF YOU IGNORE FISTS AND CLUBS AND POSSIBLY SLINGS!" And it's right about then that I realize this comic book is finally making me smile. I'm actually enjoying Green Arrow! You know what that means? The lasting effects of horrible writers on comic books are not permanent! I have shed my hatred of Green Arrow based on Krul and Nocenti! I can see again with clear eyes and a jubilant heart! And you know what that means that this means that?! The Teen Titans and Red Hood and, although very improbable, even Roy Harper can come back from the taint of Mister Scott Lobdell! Oh! And Catwoman! She can be made whole given enough time away from the putrefying typewriter of Ann Nocenti! Glory on Most High! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!

Speaking of Jesus, did anybody else watch the first episode of the new Cosmos with Neil deGr"Fuck Pluto in the"asse Tyson? I enjoyed how they took a subtle shot at religion when he was speaking about the Cosmic Year. Right there in the last seconds of the Cosmic Year, he pointed out when each of the major religious Holiest of Holy Men were born. Kind of insignificant in the grandeur and enormity of space and time, really.

Part of the reason I'm enjoying Green Arrow (aside from the beautiful ability of the mind to slowly erode the memory and allow one to forget the trauma caused by earlier experiences) is that he's using and talking about his goofy trick arrows. These things need to be one of the characters of this comic book. I demand a new trick arrow every fucking issue! Lemire has presented two already in this issue: The Thunderclap Arrow which is really just one of his usual noise producing things and the Umbrella Arrow which casts a wide net of green fire or electricity or slime or something. Whatever it does specifically, it helps to distract and take down some of the Spear Clan.

And then Ollie reminds me why he's doing what he's doing.

It was just for revenge! And, I suppose, to save his little sis. But now he needs to save the world too!

Meanwhile in Seattle, Diggle, Naomi, and Henry Fyff are holding down the pillow fort. Since Green Arrow is busy with all that Outsiders bullshit, he can't stop Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu from taking over Seattle. So it's up to Diggle and his old buddy, The Clock King, to take down Dick Dragon themselves. I hope this winds up more exciting than it sounds. It's bad enough when the best part of the action is a guy shooting arrows out of a bow. Now we've got a bunch of non-super-powered nobodies facing off against the Master of Kung Fu! I don't think they stand a chance! I bet Clock King gets himself killed again.

And back in Prague where the actual "super hero" is busy saving the world, the actual "super hero" has suddenly failed to save the world. He found The Spear Clan's super secret hideout but it was filled with Spear Clan members, as well as Fist Clan members and Arrow Clan members. So he's captured practically instantly. Too bad he didn't bring Shado along with him.

Ha ha ha! I didn't know Onyx was putting "superhero" in quotation marks as well! I think I might be a lesbian supervillain and master of Fisting!

Onyx gives him a taste of her Fist which is less exciting than it sounds because he keeps his pants on. And then Komodo gives Ollie a taste of his Arrow when Emiko is too much of a little girl to put an arrow in Ollie's head.

Too bad for Queen, Komodo isn't also a little girl.

Green Arrow #29 Rating: +5 Ranking! Most of that is for Green Arrow being shot in the face! Ha ha! Stupid! Now what happens? Does Kevin Smith come in to begin writing a resurrected Green Arrow? Do we find out that Komodo uses trick Steve Martin arrows? Maybe the arrow passed safely between the hemispheres of Ollie's tiny brain? Maybe I never have to read another Green Arrow comic book ever again? Although that would be a bit disappointing since I really enjoyed this issue of the series. Finally! I still think he's a stupid super hero. But I'm enjoying this new version of him. Especially since he lost the old Robin Hood goatee.