Supergirl #29

I can't believe I just paid $2.99 to read about two women vomiting on each other. I'd easily have paid twice that!

I know you're all really curious to find out if Yildiray Cinar draws as good a bum as Mahmud Asrar, so I'll get right to the comic instead of boring you with fantastic tales of my daily life. No, no. Your pleas of "Tell us, Tess! Tell us what you ate for breakfast!" must go unanswered! I am not a public figure nor a role model. I have divorced my personal self from this blog because I owe that to my audience. They deserve unbiased, objective opinions on DC's comics. And since they're not going to get unbiased opinions anywhere else on the internet, it's up to me to swallow my pride (washing it down with a cup of sake) and force my immense and willful ego into the background. Today is a new day at Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! For today, we get fucking serious, motherfuckers!

One month ago, Kara and her friend Siobhan were happy and having fun. They were living a life of pure harmony and joy. Things were a little rough around the edges but they could count on each other for the things that really mattered.

Hey! What are you girls up to?! Don't you know this is DC Comics? There is no laughter in DC Comics! Knock it off!

And so, upon hearing the edict handed down from above, Supergirl got Vaginal Kryptonite Poisoning, Siobhan's apartment was flooded with fecal matter, and they drifted apart. But even that wasn't enough drama for DC Comics! They can't just go their separate ways! They were best friends! They have to try to kill each other!

It's a good thing Tony Bedard was taken down to the Straightening Up Room deep in the basement. Sure, he might have gone in with a smile and a goofy tie telling people how much fun Supergirl was going to be in the upcoming months when he took over. Talk of Kara and Siobhan buying a roadster and going cross country like the old Denny O'Neil Green Team days. Tony probably thought they were taking him into a private office to discuss a bonus. Or maybe he was going to be given Grant Morrison levels of control over the continuity of his character! He was beaming, exuberant, full of hope and optimism. But the Tony Bedard that emerged from the elevator as he entered the main office of DC Comics was a man beyond recognition. "Wasn't his tie more colorful?" asked Rob Leigh from behind the water cooler. "Wasn't his face more colorful?" asked Dan Brown. "Wasn't he...," stammered Yildiray, the horror of it all descending quite slowly across his face, "...taller?" Tony Bedard shuffled over to the rest of his creative team, slowly and reluctantly, as if being pushed from behind by some unseen force. He looked up and a haunted smile crept over his lips, slightly parted to reveal teeth not quite as white as some had thought, and said, "Change of plans. New great idea. Kara becomes a Red Lantern. Anger. Violence. Death of friendship. Huge sales." He strained for a second, a look of pain crossing his face. He looked wildly from side to side and quickly pulled up his shirt to reveal a large worm-like creature attached to his torso just beneath his rib cage. Interrupted by the bright light, it looked up from where it was sucking heartily through a razor sharp proboscis, and hissed at the men standing around the cooler. They screamed! Water cups were dropped! Underwear was soiled. Before any actual words could be voiced, Tony lowered his shirt and slouched back to his office. The others looked around from gaunt face to gaunt face, Yildiray mouthing a single word: "Didio."

And so Supergirl received her Red Lantern Ring and her first act was to try to kill Siobhan, the Silver Banshee. Dan Didio was once more seen walking about the offices, counting his money, remarking that, no, he hadn't seen Bedard in some time, actually. But it is said that if you take your car out on a clear night, drive it down the most deserted highway you can find, and begin searching through the AM Radio band, you just might catch the sound of a scared, lonely voice calling out, "No! NO! I believe in friendship!"

How is this preferable to them eating pizza and playing Mario Kart?

Meanwhile down in the center of the Earth in an anomalous space called The Block, a transdimensional creature named Blaze is busy escaping. Technically, she's busy just walking away since it was "Doctor" Veritas that offered to set her free if she helped defeat Lobo. And while Blaze didn't live up to her end of the bargain, it's not like "Doctor" Veritas took any real precautions to make sure Blaze didn't just walk out of the new hole in Xenocontainment Module 5. Sure, she sent a repair team. But did she arm the repair team with demon destroying holy spanners? Fuck no! They don't even have medical or get overtime pay! And now they're all dead and Blaze is free! Somebody should shut down The Block for horrible working conditions.

In New York, Siobhan lets the Silver Banshee loose. It's a good tactic because the Silver Banshee has a magic yell that can probably bust Supergirl's super-eardrums while all Siobhan had was a cute accent and a penchant for going without underwear. And while those are some pretty great features, they're probably not going to do much against a Kryptonian Red Lantern.

The fight between the Silver Banshee and the Red Lantern nears Siobhan's apartment where her new roommate is calling up a few of her witchy friends to inform them it's black cauldron time!

Siobhan let loose the Banshee and it's going to take a shitload of Eye of Newt to stop its rampage.

Isn't it just too precious that the terms "ship load" and "boat load" are better when they're misused as "shitload" and "buttload"? I'm going to choose the incorrect terminology every fucking time!

Siobhan discovers that as The Silver Banshee, she can teleport. She takes herself and Kara out of New York and into the Catskill Mountains. As a young boy of youngish age in a younger time, I always thought that was the name of a fake place. Like Jellystone or Las Vegas. The Silver Banshee is an entirely separate creature that shares control of Siobhan's body. It's an ancient black magic curse placed on Siobhan's family. The creature gives the host power but eventually takes over and wreaks havoc on the world. So while it wants total control of the body so it can put some fucking underwear on, Siobhan can not let it take control. But if the only way to stop Supergirl is to let The Silver Banshee out, what choice does she have? Which is more dangerous? It's like having to choose between Blaze or Lobo and then just letting them both out into the world and not stopping either.

Meanwhile in New York, Twat Lobo stops being dead. He has really good regenerative powers, you know! He discovers his ship is toast but he did get some information about the real Lobo. The one Twat Lobo believes is an imposter. But Twat Lobo is the imposter! And a jerk! And a stupid idiot! And I hate him! But I don't hate him as much as I hate Condor!

Siobhan convinces Red Lantern Supergirl that the people that destroyed Krypton, the jerks Kara is mad at, are off planet. She points randomly into the sky and Kara leaves Earth for Red Lanterns #28. And Siobhan is sad because this is the end of friendship. What does DC have against friendship?!

Finally, some bastard alien race are testing the planet Kaarth to find out if they're worthy or not. And by testing, I mean slaughtering. And by worthy, I don't know what I mean because the evil villain at the end doesn't explain. I don't recognize him. He looks like this:

Now you know why he's so hard to recognize.

Supergirl #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even though friendship didn't quite die, it's definitely been placed on life support. At least 10% of this comic book was flashback! That allowed some stories of friendship to shine through. I bet Tony Bedard paid dearly for slipping those scenes in.