The Superior Foes of Spider-Man #9

Fact: I am 100% on Crane Games. One play; one prize!

This is the story about my crane game win:

I have a pet penguin. His name is Schnabel and I hatched him about fifteen years ago. I hatched him out of a plastic bag after his birth mother, Arby's, abandoned him. He's tiny and he's stuffed and he's got a huge attitude. This is Schnabel in a Monkey Puzzle Tree:

Schnabel spends a lot of time at home now but he used to go with me everywhere. He sat on my knee way back when he was first born and watched The Phantom Menace in the theater. He wasn't too thrilled with it but he was dying to see the movie in the trailer with the penguin that said, "Slide." So he was the main reason I wanted to see Fight Club before I even knew anything about it. Because there was a penguin in it. But this story isn't about Schnabel; it's about a crane game.

One evening, the Non-Certified Spouse and I went to a nickel arcade with Schnabel. Just inside the lobby was a crane game and inside the crane game were stuffed Killer Whales. Schnabel is terrified of Killer Whales for good reason. When we lived in Lincoln, Nebraska, we tried to convince him that he was safe from Killer Whales being that we were landlocked pretty much as locked in by land as we could get. But he wouldn't be calmed. He got out the phone book and started paging through the white pages until he screamed and dove under a pillow. He had found an entry for Whaley, K. in the Lincoln phone book. From that point on, he would never feel safe again. Until he saw that crane game and decided to take destiny into his own hands. If he could reverse fate and be the penguin that caught a Killer Whale, he would be king of everything! He already had a small posse of gang members, swords, vests, crowns, and treasures of all kinds. But now he pictured himself riding on the back of a Killer Whale as well! He need never fear again!

So I helped Schnabel take control of the joystick and paid for the only crane game I've ever paid for. And Schnabel caught that fucking Killer Whale and rides it to this day. That's why he doesn't go out as much. He's not afraid to stay at home because, you see, he has his own Killer Whale.

And to answer the one question probably left in everybody's minds: yes, we took him to see March of the Penguins. And of course Fight Club! He's seen a lot of movies in his time.

Last issue ended with Boomerang about to get his brains blown out. This issue begins with the biggest fucking bullshit ever to grace the first page of a comic book!

Even my fucking penguin knows this is bullshit!

Look, I get it! I really do get that I'm reading a comic book! But some fiction and fantasy needs to have some kind of basis in reality if you're trying to tell a story set within the fuzzy parameters of that reality! Now, if Boomerang had some form of super speed, maybe I'd go for this. But even then I'd bitch! Because Bullseye, knowing he might have to shoot a speedster at some point, would definitely use a gun that shot bullets at faster than Mach 1 so that the Speedster wouldn't have time to react to the sound of the bullet being fired before he was dead! It's simple logic! I didn't invent logic!

If you don't like logic, do you like experiential knowledge? Because I'm willing to give volunteers boomerangs and see if any of them can block bullets as I shoot at them. First I should see if I'd be responsible for their deaths or if science is a reasonable excuse for murder. I'll get back to you on that.

Bullseye is properly pissed. This is probably the last time he ever appears in this comic book where the laws of physics simply don't apply. Although I have to admit that I'm not that familiar with the Marvel Universe! Maybe bullets travel much slower in this Universe! Hmm. I forgot my motto for today is "Ignorance is its own reward." So I should allow myself to remain ignorant of Marvel's Universal Laws and pretend that bullets travel super slow here! There! Now I don't mind this beginning as much as I previously did! Oh ignorance! You're the best!

Anyway, Bullseye could learn a lesson here! Become the star of your own fucking comic book and you suddenly have the possibility to come out victorious in any confrontation you can think up! And Boomerang has apparently been dying to show up this bastard for awhile now.

No wonder he was a constant loser! Look at that joke of a costume! Also look at how you spell "loser," you losers.

Boomerang blocks a couple more bullets with a boomerang which lends more credence to my theory that bullets are really slow in the Marvel Universe. I actually like that! I hate reading comic books (and watching movies but how about we leave that rant for another time?) where bullets are flying all over the place and somehow the hero outruns them or dives for cover or walks nonchalantly down the street never being hit by a single bullet. But if the bullets are really slow? Holy shit! Totally believable! Bullseye is an idiot! If he were a smarter Marvel villain, he would have based his gig around a deadlier weapon! Can you believe some idiot is running around using a gun as a weapon in the Marvel Universe? What a dope!

Meanwhile it's Movie Night with Hydro-Man and Shocker! But Shocker currently has company in the form of an asshole disembodied head, so he tries to send Hydro-Man away. Besides, he brought that stupid Katherine Heigl movie that Boomerang loves so much! The one about the romance that is an unexpected romance or something? But Hydro-Man kind of needs structure in his life and missing movie night sends him spiraling into a really negative space.

Seriously? If this is the kind of shit that goes on in the lives of super villains, I have no idea why most comic books are about super heroes! These villains' lives seem way more entertaining!

Hydro-Man ultimately learns that Shocker is keeping an old man's head in his closet, so that's probably going to have to be explained later. In the meantime, Boomerang and Bullseye are busy having their huge macho showdown! Bravado will be bravadoed! Bullets will fly! Boomerangs are going to twirl with that weird floppy motion! Girlfriends are going to be sacrificed!

Does Fred think she'll come back to him after this? Does he think everything is a boomerang?

Shocker soon discovers that he's in big trouble when his "pal" Hydro-Man sneaks out via the toilet to go sell some information about one C-List Villain and a certain old man's head he's keeping in storage.

Boomerang and his date wind up bound and gagged as Bullseye calls Owl to come down so he can find out from Freddie where his painting has gotten too. Boomerang doesn't have it but he knows who does have it. And since that person is Chameleon, Boomerang realizes he has a chance to convince Owl that he was never a part of the heist in the first place. Of course Owl isn't going to believe this load of bullshit without proof! So a plan is concocted!

Surprise! Somebody in the Marvel Universe wasn't actually who you thought it was! Fool you once, shame on Marvel! Fool you five bajillion times, shame on, well, I guess Marvel still. Bastards. I bet the Bullseye L.M.D. is actually Chameleon!

Boomerang's plan works perfectly since his Camerang has no audio. So he manages to get video of The Face of Victor Von Doom hanging behind the Chameleon and then tricks the Chameleon into wearing Boomerang's face. Owl gets pissed. Boomerang gets thrown out. Everything is working out nicely for Boomerang! Sure, he still doesn't have the painting or the head or any money to show for all of this work. Yet! He'll get there! But first he has to deal with one other problem that suddenly comes up.

The fuck?

The Superior Foes of Spider-Man Rating: This is the funniest comic book going right now. That I'm reading! I have to assume Deadpool is pretty funny since he's supposed to be and he's being written by a professional comedian. But this one is full of the chuckles.