Saturday, March 29, 2014

Superman Unchained #6

I forgot this book existed.

It's been three months since the last issue of Superman Unchained. Somebody tell Jim Lee it's okay if he can't keep a schedule. He's got plenty of other things to do like running DC's whatever department he runs and scribbling all over the faces of the characters he draws. But he should really take some responsibility and tell everybody, "You know what? I wouldn't stand for this late bullshit from the people working under me. And I shouldn't stand for it from myself. So I'm firing myself from the Superman Unchained job!" And then he'd piss himself and run weeping from the conference room. That's how everybody ends a corporate meeting, right?

Since nobody probably even remembers that this book was being published, let me catch y'all up to speed on what was happening. Ascension told Lois Lane their reasons for doing what they're doing and then launched all the nuclear missiles in the world. I don't know what newspapers will be left to publish Lois's story after all the explosions and fallout and EMPs have quieted down but that's not my problem. That's Lois's problem because she's going to flip the fuck out when she realizes she has the greatest headline in the world ready to go and the world is suddenly out of order.

Lex Luthor found out which hand Jimmy Olsen usually uses when beating off his best pal Superman and placed a Kryptonite implant into it.

Lex Luthor is really fucking good at origami.

Superman took Wraith to check out the Fortress of Solitude only to have Wraith threaten to kill him. That's the last slumber party he's ever going to be invited to.

I think Sam Lane was doing some important shit too. Trying to stop Ascension and kill Superman and impress his daughter.

Also, some five year old got a hold of one of my micron pens and scribbled all over the faces of all the male charac...oh wait. Sorry. That's just Jim Lee's style. Never mind.

Antarctica? What the fuck?! Hey, you assholes at DC! Let's not go through this shit again! The Arctic and Antarctica are two separate places and Superman's Fortress has never been in Antarctica! Or does his Fortress switch places with NOWHERE's Headquarters in some kind of unstable, quantum state with the two structures irrevocably bound together?

What is wrong with the staff at DC? Did they not learn their geography lesson when Lobdell and DeFalco kept changing the location of NOWHERE's base? Do people not know that Antarctica is not in the Arctic?! It's the opposite of the Arctic! It's the antonym of the Arctic! It's right in the fucking name! Mostly!

Batman tries to contact Superman to go over the game plan to stop the nuclear missiles but he wastes a number of minutes trying to get through to him in the Arctic. So now the world is probably fucked! Superman realizes this and decides to go speak with Ascension instead of stopping any missiles. Since he can't stop them all, he just won't bother. Hopefully Ascension has a button that will make the missiles not explode somehow.

Batman, Green Lantern (Simon Baz, I guess?), and Wonder Woman will try to stop as many missiles as they can. Batman doesn't mention The Flash although I think he could be helpful too! Unless the missiles are all programmed to explode a mile or so over their targets. That's probably the case. Fuck you, The Flash. You should be able to help because you're so Goddamned fast but since you can't fly, you're completely useless. Like that other guy that doesn't get a mention: Aquaman.

So what will be on Wraith's head? An America that didn't get hit by any missiles? Seems fair. Although he's probably eating his spleen about the fact he's going to have to keep missiles from hitting Canada and Mexico as well.

While Wraith flies off to save American infrastructure (because, let's face it. If he allows the hundreds of missiles to explode everywhere else around the world, Americans are all kind of fucked anyway, right? But at least their cities won't get blown to shit), Superman crashes into Ascension Headquarters in the middle of the Atlantic to find Lois hot on the story! Even though Superman is super pissed off, you can see the little bit of Clark Kent crying behind Supe's eyes as he realizes Lois must be ten thousand times a better investigative journalist than he'll ever be. She fucking found Ascension before even The Jeezly Crow Batman!

Lois has all the information to stop Ascension but the leader hits the self-destruct and blows the entire island to ashes. Superman rescues Lois and Lois rescues just one piece of Earthstone Crystal. I guess that piece is going to have to be enough to stop the missiles. Since it's similar to Krypton's system of Sundildos, Superman can probably insert it in his Crystal Matrix back at the Fortress of Solitude.

Meanwhile Aquaman is struggling to finish the New York Times Monday Crossword Puzzle.

Or maybe he doesn't need the Fortress after all. Good thing since Antarctica is so far away.

Superman creates some kind of shield that causes the missiles to fall apart without detonating their warheads. So what happens to the hundreds of warheads that now fall undetonated to the Earth? I guess they don't explode. But who's going to account for them all?! I'm sure several dozen will wind up in the hands of the likes of Lex Luthor and Black Manta, right?

Wraith wants Superman's Earthstone for the American Military but Superman is all, "I've got scribbles on my face, you bitch!" And Lois is all, "I've only got like one scribble on my face because I'm hot!" And Wraith is all, "Ewwwww!"

Or they say other shit but I'm too distracted by all the scribbles.

Wraith decides Superman needs a super beating because I can't get enough of adding "super" to anything that happens to Superman. But Superman is prepared because Batman gave him a secret weapon to use against Wraith: synthetic mineral! Wait, what? Is that like Generic Kryptonite? It is a yellow ring! You see, young people, you know how different stores like Safeway and Fred Meyer all sell their own brand of products? Back when I was young, those products wouldn't waste any money on even that amount of branding! They were just yellow or white products with big black font. So if you wanted cheap beer, you didn't get Pabst Blue Ribbon or Hamms. You got BEER.

This was all my friend Phil Newby's father ever had in the fridge.

So Batman has created Generic Kryptonite which defeats Superman's cheap knock-off rival, Wraith. Superman beats Wraith's ass until Sam Lane orders Wraith to retreat. Wraith flies away screaming, "This isn't the last you've heard of WRAAAAAIIIITTTH!"

Afterward, Superman brings Lois to the Fortress of Solitude because that seems like a much better idea than bringing Wraith, an alien that wants to kill him, into his home. Lois will just memorize all of his secret shit and write a huge exposé on him and his secret home! He does it to keep her safe but I bet he winds up regretting it! Hopefully he didn't leave his Clark glasses lying around where she might see them.

Superman doesn't once mention the warheads that have fallen all over the planet. Maybe that's The Flash's job! Collect them and deliver them to the guy that must dispose of them: Aquaman!

While Superman studies the Earthstone, he notices its programming begins to be rewritten. I guess the crystalline matrix is like software. A close up examination shows that it's being rewritten in Krypton! What could it mean?! I have no idea because before Superman can speculate, Sam Lane and his army of AT-ATs stage an attack on the Fortress of Solitude! Find out in three months what happens next!

There is a two page epilogue, by the way. Here's the second page:


Superman Unchained #6 Rating: +1 Ranking! I'm glad I'm keeping this blog or I wouldn't have had any fucking clue as to what had been happening previously! Man, I really hope General Lane loses his fucking job. Who said it was okay to use his Super Secret Anti-Superman Army to kill the guy it was built to kill? I mean, who said he could do it now! Obviously it's the reason it was built. But Superman just saved the world! I think a lot of people are going to be pissed if General Lane kills Supes now just because Superman humiliated his pet project Wraith.

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