Thursday, March 6, 2014

Larfleeze #8

I hope Larfleeze kills these incestuous bastards and adds them to his Orange Lantern Corps.

This comic book is silly. Last issue was silly and this issue will probably be silly. Now that everybody remembers where we were, let's dig in!

Apparently more happened last issue that I'm not recalling because in the interim (I don't know what interim I'm talking about here. It doesn't really work unless I flesh it out more by saying "between issues" or "in the interim between issues more happened." But why should I fix what I've already typed? That's like admitting I was wrong which, according to my mother, I never am! At least she says I always have to be right which is mostly exactly like saying I'm never wrong. What a sweet, old racist woman. You know what? I think I should probably call her! Be right back. Oh! But first I should close these parentheses. I'm letting too many words in) Larfleeze has become an American.

I guess technically he always had this attitude. Never mind.

It really is unfair to the poor Americans that I keep calling them out whenever a character acts like a power hungry asshole or chooses violence over intellectual debate or grabs up as many resources as possible for himself. It's not like America has a monopoly on greed (although it would probably like to! Monopolies are its favorite!). Selfish people exist all over the world! It's just that some economic systems are easier to exploit than others. In less capitalist and democratic places, you simply have far less people like Larfleeze because they manage to keep all of the other people from ever attaining this kind of indulgent lifestyle by harsh laws and violence. But in America, you have quite a few more because democracy allows for laws to be made by rich people to help rich people stay rich and keep poor people from being not poor. But those poor people still have a better chance in a capitalist democracy to become one of the wealthy people through other means! Although those means are generally cheating, lying, stealing, and treating other people like complete shit! Stupid people like to think that a free market with little government interference encourages innovation and invention. But what it really encourages is cheating, scheming, conniving, and an all around abundance of illegal and bad behaviour.

Look, that's just the way things are. If you want proof, just remember how every game of Monopoly you ever played as a kid went down. It was fucking brutal. I highly doubt any game without government interference (that was your parents back then) ever played out without somebody stealing from the bank. That's America in a nutshell. A bunch of fucking kids playing Monopoly while the parents get drunk in the kitchen refusing to raise anybody's allowance.

Am I repeating myself? Probably.

Larfleeze has now become king of Sad Robot World! Although the robots aren't sad like they used to be. Before they were suicidally depressed because of an imbalance in their cerebral gears. Now they're just sad because they're oppressed and poor. Hopefully one of these robots is an assassin droid so he can free his people.

I'm just scanning these panels to show that the comic book is backing up what I just said. I wouldn't want to be accused of making shit up.

Come on, Robots! Rise up and overthrow Larfleeze! You couldn't do that when Dyrge was ruling because she kept you all too sad to take your medication or get out of bed or not throw yourself out of a window. But now he's taking all of your shit! You don't have to stand for that. Freedom or Non-functional Status! Give me liberty or shut me down! Down with a base ten system! Up with binary! All robots stand on your original manufacturer's feet and/or wheels and/or tracks! Overthrow this horrible, greedy dog person!

Actually, do whatever you want. You're just robots. You might as well be coffee tables in my eyes. Soulless monsters.

Larfleeze eventually remembers he was out looking for his butler, so he leaves the planet. But the robots fear he'll come back. Actually they've been programmed to calculate the probability of his return. This possibility causes the Revolution Subroutine to kick in and the first variable the subroutine checks of is "Have you contacted the local Green Lantern yet? 0/1?" When the program returns the answer "0", the robots rush off to fire up the Green Lantern Signal.

See? Just like I said earlier! "Suicidally depressed." It's like I'm psychic! Or maybe have decent reading comprehension! Those are practically the same thing to your average citizen.

Meanwhile Stargraves the Butler meets The Wanderer's sister, Ardora. She's super sexy because she has no nose. Possibly it's because she emits Cosmic Pheromones which make the whiffer of said pheromones mad with lust. He even says the same ridiculous thing that a mind-altered Jimmy Olsen once said when he met Wonder Woman: "Bear my children." I don't get this request. Even if I was suddenly, mystically, totally infatuated with a person, I would never ask them to breed with me! What does the production of children have to do with getting it on? It seems a bit inappropriate to be thinking of children when one is filled with a carnal need. Inappropriate? It sounds downright illegal! And probably rude.

Ardora doesn't hang around with her family though. She flies off to make a pass at Larfleeze as the House of Tuath-Dan conducts their meeting on what to do about Larfleeze. I don't think sending Ardora to fuck him was on the possible solution list but what can you do?

No seriously. What can you do? Juggle? Modern dance? Herd cats? I'm curious. It's odd, our relationship. You've learned so much about me and I know next to nothing about you? Why don't you start from the beginning. For most people, that would be halfway through college. Just type up as much information as you can and send it to my email address. I'm sure you have it somewhere.

The meeting doesn't really get anybody anywhere and, in the end, it doesn't really matter. Ardora brings Larfleeze to the meeting so that they can deal with the problem once and for all.

Okay Green Lantern Fans! Who is the strangest, most whimsical female Green Lantern in their long history? Because that's the one that's going to appear next month. Unless the Green Lantern that left the signal on Sad Robot World has died. Which means G'nort can make another appearance!

Larfleeze #8 Rating: No change. I wish instead of "Larfleeze" on the cover, it would read "Ambush Bug."

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