Red Hood and the Outlaws #36

Yay! I hope all of these fuckers overdose!

Jason Todd injected himself with a used needle containing an unknown drug last issue because he's a motherfucking idiot. Starfire has been fucked up on Space Heroin ever since she decided her friends were controlling assholes. And Roy Harper was burnt to a crisp by Starfire's backblast. The spraying fire everywhere when she flies must be a side effect of the Space Heroin. Unless it's a misinterpretation of her never ending flight hair for flames due to Scott Lobdell's poor reading and writing skills. I suppose, if I wanted to be charitable and not be a complete douchebag, I could interpret the accident in a way that makes sense. Like a side-effect of the Space Heroin. Or maybe Starfire wanting extra lift because she was angry at Roy trying to control her so she blasted the ground (and Roy!) with starbolts as she flew up into the air. But I don't like to be charitable with my interpretations of Scott Lobdell's stories. He has earned nothing from me but hatred and venom. I'm already annoyed that the first page of this comic book is probably going to be wasted with some form of "My name is Jason Todd" bullshit plastered on a boring, full page image that could easily have been done in one panel if Scott Lobdell could be bothered to actually fill twenty pages of comic book with actual story and dialogue.

This page makes me so angry!

Compare this to Batgirl which averaged over nine panels per page last issue. Batgirl is charming and a joy to read and you can tell the writers, Stewart and Fletcher, want to pack as much into each issue as they can. They're overflowing with things to say about the characters and the setting. The artist, Babs Tarr, fills every panel with gorgeous things to look at, colored wonderfully by Maris Wicks. Their enthusiasm for the story gushes messily from the pages and across the eager, expectant face of the reader. And this? This is some asshole kid writing his assignment the night before it's due. This is Scott Lobdell casually slapping the reader across the face with his flaccid penis. While Batgirl has nine panels full of dialogue per page, this first page of Lobdell's book has one panel and a mere six Narration Boxes. Thirty words and one picture for the first page. And Lobdell isn't the only one that isn't trying. Silva and Faucher have drawn an action figure without feet and with maybe five points of articulation.

Anyway, Jason Todd is fucked up on that drug I mentioned earlier. I guess he likes the way it feels as it turns him into a cat. This should be just the initial rush though because even though he was on the drug in Supergirl, he was acting quite normal and even sweet in that appearance.

By the end of the fourth page (six panels total), Jason Todd kills the venom-fueled terrorists easily because he's a better, angrier fighter. The Venom wears off and Jason Todd leaves to find Roy and Kori. The entire time, he's helpfully Narration Boxing so that I don't accidentally interpret the action or his motivations incorrectly. Wouldn't want me not knowing that Roy Harper is practically a "genius in Rockabilly trim." Really? That's his look? Rockabilly? Has anybody ever told that to the artists on this book? Because I've never seen him in cuffed jeans, huge sideburns and a pompadour.

Oh wait! Yeah, yeah. I see the Rockabilly look now.

Jason can't find Starfire and Roy because, as seen above, Starfire has brought Roy to the worst hospital with the most bureaucratic nurses in the country.

"Yeah, hon, you're gonna wanna hurry it up with these forms before yer boyfriend here dies."

Starfire sets fire to the bushes around the hospital so that the nurses will shut the fuck up about procedure and get this horribly burned and probably dying man into the hospital for some emergency care. I guess somebody else will take care of the flames before everybody in the hospital winds up like Roy?

The scene shifts back to the present with Oliver Queen in Roy's hospital room with Jason Todd. And because Jason Todd is a teenaged rebel full of angst and hormones, he tries to pick a fight with Oliver in every panel. Also, Oliver doesn't act much like an adult either because speaking rationally and calmly doesn't lead to conflict and without conflict how do you build character?!

I guess the first order of business in the emergency room was a hair transplant.

I'm not a huge fan of Green Arrow but I hope Oliver kicks Jason Todd's ass. The fucking punk needs to be humbled! But I don't see that happening in a book written by Scott Lobdell. If Jason Todd is to appear weak, it won't be by being beat down by an old man like Green Arrow! It'll be by getting addicted to drugs like a cool, young rock star!

They don't fight because Essence appears and magically heals Arsenal because I guess that's one of the things she does. But he still has to remain in bed for the rest of this story! Or at least this issue. Probably. He might show how stubborn and strong he is by dragging his ass out of bed to demand they go find and help Starfire.

Meanwhile in Poland, Starfire shoots up more Space Heroin because she's just so full of pain from her Space Past. Nobody has known pain like Starfire has known pain! Nobody can understand where she's coming from! It's not like she knows some kid who was killed by a crazed monster and then brought back to life and felt betrayed by the only adult that ever cared for him once he returned. And it's not like she knows some other guy who was known as Speedy for years and years! That's pain you don't just bounce back from.

While Oliver remains at Roy's side, Jason Todd heads off to find Crux because that character wasn't a huge idiot and probably won't want his spaceship back at all. Crux will somehow be able to find Starfire better than anybody else on Earth. Starfire is whacked out on Space Heroin and locked in the back of a truck driven by alien-drug dealers. I'm sure Crux will know immediately that that's where they'll find her! He just knows so much about her!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #36 Rating: Here's how you write a Scott Lobdell interaction between generations of super heroes. The older guy says something condescending. The younger guy snaps back angrily. The older guy points out the younger guy doesn't know anything. The younger guy does a thing that the older guy thought wouldn't work but then it does and the older guy looks stupid. Older guy respects the younger guy. Younger guy still acts like a total and complete asshole.

Batwoman #36

Is that where Jason Blood has been all this time? At an AA meeting?

That symbol has a few more additions to the Alcoholic Anonymous symbol, so maybe this is Demonology Anonymous? Do people wear chains with this symbol around their neck and sometimes run into strangers who will notice the symbol and say, "Oh, are you a friend of Merlin's?" My guess is that Merlin started Demonology Anonymous after years of out of control grafting of demons onto human hosts. He finally realized he was powerless over summoning demons and that his life had become an unmanageable mess of demon summoning. Next, he came to believe that Madame Xanadu could restore him to sanity. Next he promised to turn his life over to Dog as he understood him, be it Terrier or Labradoodle or Cocker Spaniel or, most especially, Pembroke Welsh Corgi. Then he made up a bunch of bullshit steps until he had a list that seemed like he put a lot of work into improving his life and then wrote a book bragging about it which helped a lot of lonely, powerless, incompetent people. One of those people was Jason Blood. The rest of those people were probably all of the other people that fell victim to Merlin's demon summoning shenanigans.

Like last issue, this issue ignores how last issue ended. Although this one might be starting where last issue should have started according to the way the issue before last ended. So Batwoman looks even more vampiric than usual. She's also acting way more obsessive compulsive about cleaning up street crime by threatening to kill some taggers. That's a sign of vampirism as well as the pasty skin and the sharp teeth and the swank clothes.

As Batwoman wastes her time on some teenagers, some Demonology Anonymous members get fried when the girl they're sacrificing explodes. I think sacrificing a hot, young virgin is one of the twelve steps. Female virgin. Nobody wants to see a greasy male nerd tied to a mystic standing stone.

Why is this taking place in Starling City? Have you noticed now that The Flash has aired on The CW, Infantino has become a major thoroughfare as well?

Batwoman comes to her senses just in time to follow the Gotham Police to the accident at the Demonology Anonymous meeting. The Gotham Police seem to have a different attitude to Batwoman than they have with Batman. They simply let her stride about the crime scene making gagging noises and pretending like she knows what she's looking for as she waits around for Maggie Sawyer to show up. When Maggie does, Kate runs up to her and says, "Maggie! Maggie! Pay attention to me! Maggie! Maggie! I still love you! Maggie! Maggie! I didn't mean to fuck that vampire! Maggie! Maggie! I made all of your decisions for you because I wanted you to be happy! Maggie! Maggie! I probably should have trusted you to figure out your own problems but I'm a controlling jerk-off whose life has become unmanageable so I micromanage the lives of others at the expense of my own happiness!" Actually, she doesn't say that last thing because she hasn't made enough progress with her therapist yet.

Maggie smells vampire vagina on Kate's lips and pretty much tells her to fuck off.

One of the burnt-to-hell Demonology Anonymous members survives and recognizes the doctor in the emergency room as Jason Blood! When he touches him, Jason has a flashback to the best comic so far of The New 52.

Um. What is going on in that middle area?

Later, Natalia Mitternacht, secret vampire (only because the people of Gotham are so stupid they can't see what's right in front of their eyes (the only people dumber are the citizens of Metropolis!)), comes by Kate's apartment to take her out on a date. And even though I know it's totally cliche for a heterosexual male to get all worked up over two women kissing and touching, I'm still all worked up over it. Look at them! They're adorable! And fucking sexy! Plus I might be a little bit under their vampire spell.

I suddenly wish this comic book were rated Super Mature!

On their date, they run into Kate's therapist who is a little bit therapissed. Kate hasn't been around to see him ever since she got vampirized because vampires don't need to deal with their pasts. Unless they're one of Anne Rice's vampires and then whole chapters will be devoted to their gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over the mistakes they made across the centuries. Another vampire that constantly worries about his past because he's a huge puss is Angel.

Meanwhile, Ragman buys the mystic doodad used to explode the virgin in the ceremony earlier in the night. He gets it at a steal for seven dollars and fifty cents! Unless he paid seven hundred and fifty dollars for it. Or maybe seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars for it? It's hard to tell with these Goddamned negotiators and their inability to ever actually say the exact dollar amount when making deals.

Later meanwhile elsewhere, Alice returns to Gotham. You know, Kate's sister Beth who calls herself Alice. Unless it's different.

And then we get the scene that makes Kate and Maggie's breakup well worth it! Good decision to not let her get married, Mr. Didio!

Although is it weird that Batman is standing in the room beating off? I mean, probably beating off. Why wouldn't he be? I am! Mostly because all of the blood reminds me of my old sex fantasies with Vampire Tig!

I just completely ruined that last scene, didn't I? It's like, here's a scene portraying a couple of lesbians doing what lesbians do best (other than dark poetry about swamps) and I have to rub my heterosexuality all over it! Now instead of an example of equal media representation of nonheteronormative lust mixed with gore, it's just a cum-covered example of the violent, blood-soaked male gaze of heteronormative media! Such a shame! Although I can't help it if heterosexual interests share a space on the Venn Diagram of Lust with lesbian interests! If my heterosexual cock were at a party and he struck up a conversation with a lesbian vagina, they'd find they have a lot in common! They'd probably become best friends! Platonic best friends, of course! Which would probably confuse my penis to no end.

Anyway, that sexy scene was Kate remembering the night she first fucked Nocturna. And she seems a bit freaked out by it. I don't know if the blood disturbed her more or the fact that Batman was watching.

Here's a sexy scene for the other group that shares a spot on the Venn Diagram of Lust!

Oh yeah! Work that shaft! Tease the head! Tease the head! Now smack those balls roughly on the back stroke! Grip it tight! Tighter! TIGHTE---UNH! Hunh. Hunh. Hunh. Oh yeah. Yeah. Sleepy time.

Etrigan interrupts Jason Blood while he's jerking it in the shower. Apparently they haven't seen each other in a long time although they recognize each other instantly. Will the magic that binds them spark to life now that they're in close proximity to one another and Jason's cock is throbbing wildly in the wind? I suppose they won't be able to resist merging.

Batwoman #36 Rating: Why did that comic book make me so horny?! It was terrific!

Trinity of Sin #2

God is a gigantic Kitten?! Hallelujah! I believe!

Last issue ended with the surprise revelation of Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might be the most powerful DC Villain not created by Jack Kirby. I say "might be" because I know nothing about Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might also just be another boring character created and written by J.M. DeMatteis. I wish I knew how to write comic books so I could give J.M. some pointers to help him create believable, likable, and interesting characters. I'd say, "J, bro. Can I call you J? What the audience is looking for is three dimensionality! They want to believe that these characters are feeling the feels forced on them by the situation they're in! You can't just have The Phantom Stranger's entire character be 'He wears a fedora and a trench coat.' You have to think up aspects of their personality which cause them to constantly make poor decisions, or to love too well, or to listen to witches, or to believe gossip from the dumbest and least likable of his three daughters. Here's what I do when I want to make a believable character, J. I make a Master List of Personalty Traits. Then I hang that list on the wall so I can refer back to it when I'm writing a scene containing that character. Let's say it's the nineties and I just created a comic book character named Bloodageddon. I'd list his personality traits like so:

1. Enjoys storing things in pouches.
2. Likes to shoot guns.
3. Has an eyepatch or robot eye or something wrong with one eye.
4. Kills wantonly.
5. Comes from the future. Probably. Maybe the past!
6. Always talks tough. Especially when it seems like he's going to die!
7. Best killer ever.
8. I mentioned the guns right? Lots and lots of guns!
9. Cool hair.
10. Muscles and/or bangs chicks a lot.

See? Now I know what motivates Bloodageddon! And I can write issue after issue without ever forgetting what makes him who he is! Maybe you should try that, J. If you do, you owe me $50 for the lesson. This wasn't free advice!"

She's Quackers the Cosmic Duck! She'll fill your ears with yuck after yuck! She'll philosophize and harmonize and tantalize and eat your fries! Then she'll make you question humanity's ephemeral and insignificant place in the chaotic and ever changing univeeeeeeeerse! Quackers! *QUACK*

Quackers sends Pandora and The Phantom Stranger to a place called the Shadowlands. That's right next door to the place souls go when they lose a game of Yu-Gi-Oh. Waiting for Pandy and Phanty are Quackers, Landminotaur, She-Serpent, and The Dolphin King. I think J.M. DeMatteis was told to write a script for a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

A fight breaks out but since it takes place in the arena of Quackers' mind, Pandora and The Stranger never have a chance. But Quackers still needs The Question if she's to use their powers to turn Earth into Dark Earth. See, Quackers is the last of her kind and she's angry that humans get to have parties and eat cakes and dance and fuck and play and eat more cakes while she's had to sit in the dark alone for billions of years. She'd probably have friends as well but God put up a big sign that says, "Don't feed the ducks. Bread is not, and never has been, a part of their natural diet, you stupid humans."

Quackers easily tricks The Question into coming over to Dark Earth because he can't resist a good mystery. He likes to find out the answers so he can say, "The Question knows!" Unless it's the Shadow that knows! Maybe he just likes answering questions. Who knows?

The Sha...SHUT UP!

The Question makes his saving throw against pseudo-philosophical bullshit.

Quackers catches The Question as well and transports the Trinity of Sin to the Rock of Eternity where they first got railroaded in a sham trial put on by asshole wizards. Quackers uses the Trinity's three artifacts to open up a portal of sin and cover Earth in darkness. Essentially it's the same thing that was happening in Forever Evil: Blight only this time Blight is a Cosmic Duck with hooters.

Trinity of Sin #2 Rating: Who am I? And who am I? But even if you can answer those questions, you still have to wonder: who am I? It's times like these that I wish I knew who I was! Or that there were more questions than just that one so that I could get some fucking answers!

New Guardians #36

Fear or urine? Perhaps both?

Wasn't Kyle Rayner chosen by Ganthet while Rayner was pissing in an alley? Or was that just a weird sex dream I had recently?

Judging by the cover, it doesn't look like Kyle's trip to New Genesis goes very well. Here's how I think this book will go.

Kyle: "Nice planet you have here."
Highfather: "You are a huge puss. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Chill, dude."
Highfather: "You are less than something that is less than nothing. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Yo, Carol, let's hit the bricks."
Highfather: "I have tried being polite! Now I must kill you!"
Huge fight breaks out. Just before Kyle almost dies, some New Genesissian whom Highfather once called a ponce saves Kyle and Carol and they escape to the surface of the planet to await the next chapter of Godhead in which they appear.

That's probably way too specific! I should take a page out of Nostradamus's books and be vague and ambiguous when guessing plot points. Now my entire guess will be off the mark and I'll look like one huge fool of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

This is the nice planet part! We should probably end things here and deem my prognostication entirely accurate!

The rest plays out just a tiny bit differently than I had guessed. Highfather practically calls Kyle a puss and Kyle practically tells Highfather to calm down but in such a polite way that you'd probably never realize they were seconds away from tearing each other's throats out. And in just six pages, Highfather and Kyle have worked out a deal.

I'm sure the fight is still to come!

Now that Highfather has the most powerful cockring in the Omniverse (it hurts so much to type that! Why don't I just use Multiverse like everybody at DC was told to do except Scott Lobdell because nobody actually likes talking to him?), he's going to go defeat Darkseid. Too bad all Highfather will find are a bunch of Batarangs and a pool of Darkseid's tears.

After giving up his ring, Kyle listens to how Highfather is going to use it to change Earth, turn it into a trap, and fight the war to end all multiversity wars upon the face of it. That's when Kyle says to Carol, "Was I too hasty? Should I have maybe asked a few more questions? Shouldn't you have stopped me before making this rash decision, being that you're an experienced business woman and I'm just a lowly comic book artist that gets suckered into horrible contracts all the time?"

This is where Highfather calls Kyle a big puss.

See? I think the narrative is going to play out fairly closely to how I predicted it would except for the part about the ring being given up immediately!

This is where Kyle says, "Chill, dude!" and then Highfather declares Kyle is less than nothing! Or however I said it earlier!

Now all they have to do is fight! Except Kyle has no powers, so I guess it will be Carol versus Highfather. That battle will probably only last a panel longer than if it were Kyle against Highfather alone with no powers. Which is why they're going to have to be saved by some New Gods that have issues with Highfather's controlling ways!

Carol's ring runs out after two pages of lots of pink ink. I think the only way to defeat him now is to start fucking so that Highfather goes, "What...what is that?! What are you...stop that! You're ruining the floor! Oh...oh...I'm going to vomit!" Then while Highfather is dry heaving a new universe into existence, Kyle can kick Highfather in the balls and yell, "I learned that move from Steve-O, bitch!" Then he'll get his White Ring back and save the day! And all thanks to Jackass!

Kyle and Carol get BOOM Tubed down to the surface of the planet. So technically they were saved by a New Genesissian, right? And I'm sure Highfather has, at one time in his life when Darkseid tricked him real good, punched himself in the side of the head and said, "You stupid, bloody ponce!" So I was completely and utterly correct in my prediction!

Highfather tests his new Life Equation Power on the planet Muz (Sector 3502! That's the place Von Daggle was hiding!--Knows Useless Stuff Tess!), turning everybody on the planet into Orion wannabes. That's when the Bohemian Guardians feel a disturbance in the Spectrum and realize Kyle fucked up big time.

New Guardians #36 Rating: Why is this book still called New Guardians? That's the only reason the Bohemain Guardians are in it! Otherwise the stupid title makes no sense! I liked it better when Bleez and that Orange Potato and the Nok Nok guy and Saint Sperm Head and all the other ones were forming a team. What will the next incarnation of the "New Guardians" be once Kyle refuses to hang out with hippie bastards at the end of all this? Are Carol and Kyle alone enough to constitute "New Guardians?"

Supergirl #36

Is it a horrible font? I bet it's a horrible font!

Why am I still reading this comic book? It's obvious that Supergirl has moved on with her life and she's dating that scrotum-beard, Mike-hole. How could she do this to me? I gave her everything and she just goes on with her life as if I don't exist? Or as if she doesn't exist? Hopefully whatever the Menace of the Crucible is, it kills jerks in wheelchairs who go around stealing other people's girlfriends.

Since we last saw Supergirl kissing that fucking piece of shit, she's taken a job at a coffee house where she runs into all kinds of interesting people.

Or totally boring people that aren't interesting in any way at all! *wink wink*

Why is Supergirl working at a coffee house? She should rob a bank and be set for years! Just one measly little bank. Where's the harm in that? Even if she were caught, she could pretend she was mind-controlled by Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Lex Luthor and she'd never be prosecuted. Lois Lane caused the deaths of thousands of people recently and apparently nobody gave a fuck because she was possessed by Brainiac! I don't know why these super heroes haven't thought of this themselves! "Ohhh shit...um, where am I? Oh fuck, how did I get all this money? Last thing I remember I answered this Craigslist ad from P. Pirate and then nothing! Whoa, I am so sorry! But, you know, wasn't my fault and all. See you later!"

If I were a super hero, I would charge people to touch my penis. That's not breaking any laws, is it? If I were an alien super hero, I'd just tell everybody I didn't know that was wrong on Earth because my people do it all the time! Then if people argued with my culture, I could call them insensitive bastards! And then ask them if they want to touch my penis for $20.

This just doesn't strike me as advice Clark would really give to Kara. He knows the benefit of being around regular people in a civilian identity. At most, I think maybe he'd lecture her to develop a secret identity. You know, maybe hit the Warby Parker homepage.

Kara's nails are totally adorable. Maybe I'm giving up on this relationship too easily! And look at that cute little bum as she heads back into work! Kara! Mike-hole isn't good enough for you!

Superman has been doubting himself because he thinks maybe the fears that he might turn on the world are well founded. If whatever is going on in Batman isn't a dream then I'd say he's right. Superman gets mind controlled and turns on the Earth. Superman contracts Doomsday Herpes and turns on the Earth. Superman gets shot up with Joker Toxin and turns on the Earth. How is he supposed to keep the world safe when he can't even keep his own mind safe? And the world definitely won't be safe from Supergirl unless she's finally learned that punching people in the face is an inappropriate way to greet strangers on Earth.

Kara still misses Siobhan. She hasn't talked to her since that time Kara got upset with her because she didn't care about Kara's vaginal kryptonite poisoning. Which Kara never actually told her about. While she's thinking about having lost her best friend for no reason at all, she's kidnapped by a bunch of aliens and inserted into The Crucible!

Actually, she's inserted into the entrance exams for The Crucible. She passes easily. Just as I knew she would! That's my girl! And by "girl" I mean "person I'd like to stare at naked and possible put my tongue in her various orifices." I don't know why I said that! That's what I always mean by girl!

This college sounds like a scam! Like Carrington College or the University of Phoenix or Oxford.

The "recruiters" are Maxima, Tsavo, and Comet. And apparently The Crucible is where Omniologist Shay Veritas trained. I don't think that's a great recommendation. After graduation, she had to use a cane and could only live in the center of the Earth! Unless those were just results of the after-graduation party.

And finally, a surprise guest on the final page! Thus the "finally!"

Idiot. You exist to be a living weapon! Your purpose is to destroy shit! In all your search, you never once read the first page of any Superboy comic book by Scott Lobdell?

Supergirl #36 Rating: This issue was terrific! Not one sign of Mike-hole! Maybe she dumped him since last issue! Maybe Jason Todd murdered him! Maybe Scout tore out his throat and defecated in his neck stump! Maybe he toppled over in his wheelchair out in the hall of his shitty New York apartment and was torn apart by rats! Maybe he slit his own throat because he knew he could never satisfy Supergirl the way I could satisfy her! I'm pretty sure I could satisfy a Kryptonian woman because she doesn't know what to expect from an Earth male! I'll be all, "Oh yeah! That totally turns on Earth girls when I come in my pants simply because you touched my thigh!"

Batman and Robin #36

Are there people who actively sought out these horrible Lego covers? Fuck Lego!

Last issue, Damian was still dead. He probably doesn't get to come back to life until DC Comics can ask $7.99 for Robin Rises #2. This issue, Batman, Cyborg, Batgirl, Red Robin, Red Hood, and Titus had all made their way to Apokolips to die. Or save Damian. Whichever happens first. Which will obviously be the dying one. Because they're on Apokolips! Maybe they'll survive because this will take place at the same time that the Earth-2 Invasion Force invades! Then all the Apokoliptians will be too distracted to deal with a bunch of kids and their dumb dog.

Oh my god! I bet Glorious Godfrey gets his mask torn off and he's actually Old Man McGrew, the real estate mogul!

The issue begins with Batman knocking out Godfrey and running off to find Damian while ignoring the Apokoliptian skin infection he's contracted. Cyborg and the Bat-Kids (Saturday morning cartoon anyone?) spend a few pages in a confusing battle against multiple Apokoliptian threats. I barely understand how one panel leads to another but I do know one thing.

Batgirl looks sexy in her Robin threads and on all fours atop a pile of skulls and rib cages!

Batman might be unstoppable on Apokolips in his Hellbat outfit but the Hellbat outfit itself is draining his life force and killing him. That's because it's too ridiculously powerful and needs a drawback or else every time a comic book fan reads a Batman story where he's not in the Hellbat suit, they'd ask, "Why isn't Batman in the Hellbat suit?" I suppose if he used the Hellbat suit to stop normal gang members in Gotham City, he'd accidentally kill most of them. But then maybe he'd respect and understand Superman's position a bit more! Superman could accidentally kill every person he ever meets if it weren't for his unlimited patience and self-control.

Hee hee. That was a joke about Superman having unlimited patience and self-control! In reality, he just punches everything until it's out of commission. Of course, he should be written with unlimited patience and self-control since nothing on Earth can kill him. But he enjoys punching people in the jaw too much.

Batman destroys every thing Kalibak's army can throw at him. Which is why Kalibak sends in the Godzilla tanks!

After this day, Batman will be the Apokoliptian bogeyman invoked to scare children into finishing killing the other children.

Cyborg and the Bat-Kids follow the trail and/or swathe of destruction right to the foot of the Hellbat suit. Batgirl's ass continues to look fantastic in those Robin pants. I think I have a BOOM Tube opening up in my pants.

A lot of truly unbelievable comic book stuff has happened so far in this Robin Rises series but I think this takes the cake. Weapons of Apokolips have stun settings?!

Batman, Cyborg, and the Bat-Kids destroy the Chaos Cannon and defeat Kalibak. But everything up until this point was foreplay. You know, terrifically fun for what its worth but mostly because you know its building to a great big orgasm. And that orgasm has finally arrived! You know I mean Darkseid, right?

Batman and Robin #36 Rating: I don't have a lot to say about the story in this. It's a lot of action and it's moving the plot forward to the ultimate confrontation between Batman and Darkseid. Batman needs to confront Darkseid for some reason. Maybe Batman needs the power of Darkseid's Omega Beams to kickstart Robin's resurrection process? I don't know. Whatever. The thing this comic book has shown me is that DC Comics needs a book starring all of the Bat-Kids. Forget all these books with Batman in the title, or the Bat-Kids teaming up with other heroes and Roy Harper. I want a book with Red Hood, Red Robin, Batgirl, and Damian all working together! Dick can stop by for the occasional story and to show Jason Todd where Barbara's heart and secret heart really lie. By secret heart, I mean vagina. That's a book I want to read! Not Secret Vagina Heart! The Bat-Kids!

Okay. Maybe Secret Vagina Heart too.

Wonder Woman #36

Holy shit. David Finch's art is worse than I remember it!

Hopefully I'm writing this late enough after its release that Meredith Finch has gotten past needing to Google her name to read all of the reviews and see how people are enjoying her work. Because I have a feeling that this is not going to be good and I really don't want to hurt her feelings. And if this isn't good, I'm about to say some really mean and nasty things.

You would think that by recognizing the flaws and faults in my own nature that it would make it easier to correct them. But for some reason, instead of making myself a better person, I love to root and wallow in my worst aspects! I love to get that biting nastiness way up in every crack and cover myself in pure venom and hate! It's so refreshing! I love to shove my face deep in a trough freshly filled with garbage and swill, guzzling it down until I'm too bloated to move. And look! Look! My trough is about to be overflowing with the Finch's Wonder Woman! I'm drooling!

The issue begins with Wonder Woman Narration Boxing. You all know what that is, right? Instead of an omniscient narrator setting the scene or instead of a thought bubble coming out of Wonder Woman's head which give us an insight into what she's thinking at the exact moment the panel occurs, we get a mishmash of the two which very rarely make any sense in the medium of comic books. Since we, the reader, are looking at particular panels representing time passing, the modern Narration Boxing reads as if the hero were standing next to you explaining what you're currently watching. The comic book has become a nature show and the hero, Richard Attenborough. It's usually used as a crutch by writers that don't quite feel comfortable letting the art of the comic book carry the load, or by writers with aspirations to write the next Great American Novel. Funny enough, Brian Azzarello employed them maybe—let's see...counting on my fingers...carry the pinky—zero times?

What does the sudden insertion of Narration Boxing into a comic book that has done without them for three years suddenly mean? Well, for one, it's going to allow people who were confused by trying to understand Wonder Woman's motives through her actions and her interactions with her friends and enemies to finally be able to get inside Wonder Woman's head where things will be clearly stated. No more ambiguity! Wonder Woman is going to tell us exactly what she's thinking and why she's doing the things she's doing! Whew! That's a great weight off of my brain because I fucking hate coming to my own conclusions using clues from the artist and the scant, pun-filled dialogue! But then, Meredith might be taking into account that her husband is nowhere near as good an artist as Cliff Chiang, so his pictures might need some Narration Boxing help if the reader is going to understand what's happening.

The first four pages contain Wonder Woman's thoughtful screed on water. It's both good and bad (the water! Not the screed! Well, maybe the screed as well!)! It's life giving and life taking! People drink it and drown in it! It's such a conundrum!

Don't they have fucking washcloths on Paradise Island?! I bet Diana's soap is usually covered in ass pubes!

I bet David kept bugging Meredith all month as she wrote, "Are you writing a shower scene? Is there a shower scene yet? Don't forget the shower scene!" And Meredith was probably all, "Put your dick away, asshole! I'm working here!" And Dave was probably, "So am I! I do my best drawing of teenaged looking girls with my dick in my hand!" And Meredith was all, "Who the fuck did I marry?!" And Dave was all, "Why did you have to age, you hag!" And Meredith was all, "I'm going to my mother's!" And Dave was all, "Your mother is a whore!" And Meredith was all, "You're lucky we don't own a shotgun, you pig!"

I wonder if I can break up their marriage just by the power of my commentaries!

But then the thoughts on water turn into maybe thoughts on something else when Diana looks at a drawing of her with herself (or something?)! Maybe she wasn't talking about water at all! Maybe she was talking about the person in the drawing that looked like a younger (or older?) version of herself in the picture! Somebody Wonder Woman took for granted! Somebody essential to Wonder Woman's well-being! Somebody that could wash away her sorrows in a super sexy sponge bath scene that David probably fought for! Unless that picture was Diana and Hippolyta! Then I'm suddenly kind of disgusted by the thought of the sexy sponge bath. No wait. Sorry, not disgusted. I meant intrigued!

Cyborg Skypes Diana to check her out in her shower towel while pretending there's an emergency somewhere. Unless there really is an emergency at that place that the reader was watching flood while Wonder Woman thought about water. Some bad guys broke a dam and flooded a village. Now Wonder Woman is needed to go hug the survivors and make them feel better.

And the answer to my question, "How long before the next creative team rewrites the thing about men and women living together on Paradise Island from Azzarello's run?", is six pages!

"Wonder Woman is a feminist icon! You can't have a comic book starring a feminist icon be simply about that feminist icon living her life the way she wants to live it and caring about her friends and trying to keep her family from destroying all mankind and teaching people about kindness and caring and love? That isn't feminism! You need conflict between men and women, dammit!" Narration Boxed Meredith Finch as she read Azzarello's run to research Wonder Woman. Maybe she also watched old episodes of the Challenge of the Superfriends. While she watched those, she thought, "Aha! I see! The women fight other women and the men fight other men! Except those two that grow huge. I guess it's okay for Native Americans to punch women in the face because they're close to nature or something."

Wait a second! Clyemne said men stink?! I'm offended! And a little bit stinky. Jesus Christ. How many days in a row have I been wearing this shirt?!

She's talking about feeling horny all the time with all that loose, swinging dick all over the island.

Who is this old crone? The Fox News of Paradise Island?!

Okay, here's the part of the commentary that comes hard to me. We're only seven pages into the first issue by Meredith Finch, so this opinion could change at any time (and it will change quickly as soon as I see an opening! You know it's true! A lot of you have seen me work my magic on Lobdell and DeFalco!) but Meredith's control of this scene and her dialogue, fitting each character so that we know exactly where they stand (maybe a bit one-dimensionally but concerning the topic, I think that's completely fine), seems to show she has some talent at this writing thing. I couldn't assume she got the job because she was a decent writer since DC has also hired Ann Nocenti and Howard Mackie! This scene was entirely too expected after Azzarello left the title with men still all over the island. The dialogue was written well, whether or not anybody agrees with it, seeing as how the old woman is a fear-monger.

And then the Justice League meet for the first time inside the pages of Wonder Woman!

I like how Aquaman has slipped his arm around Superman's waist.

Now is the time where I show off why I call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Take another look at that picture I just scanned in. Look it over. Now read what I wrote during last issue's commentary about the future art of Wonder Woman:

David Finch is only capable of drawing women (and usually drawing them looking fifteen years younger than they really are) and is not capable of drawing men that aren’t in shadowy corners of the room and who don’t have fish lips.

Thank you! Thank you! No need for applause. You are simply sitting in front of a mute computer screen, after all. Although if we ever meet in real life, I'll expect a standing ovation.

On the other half of the Justice League Watchtower Double Splash Page, The Flash makes a comment about how Luthor stinks. I'm not a psychologist or a detective or anything, but I'm starting to believe that Meredith Finch lives with a smelly man.

Cyborg and Batman show the team satellite pictures of the villages wiped out earlier in the comic book. Remember how we saw them wiped out by water as Wonder Woman thought about water? Remember that? How water did this to the villages? Water!

OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU ARE SO USELESS!

Also on the Case of the Villages Destroyed By Something Other Than Global Capitalism, The Swamp Thing! I'm not sure why he cares though since vegetation was all that survived. Who cares about dead humans? That's Buddy Baker's area of expertise! Humans, I mean. Not dead humans. That's Abby Arcane's area of expertise!

As everybody who reads at least one comic book a month that isn't Futures End knows, Wonder Woman appears on the scene to kick Swamp Thing in the face. But what wasn't in the Channel 52 advert was what Wonder Woman says as she kicks him in the face. Because if it had been printed, I think most of you would have skipped this book.

Whut?

Poor Swamp Thing. He's just a peaceful pile of mulch trying to live the best way he knows how but it's always just a little more than the super heroes will allow. Didn't Aquaman tell the rest of the Justice League how badly he got his ass handed to him by The Swamp Thing? In Aquaman's own book even! I'm sure that was just another failure that he neglected to mention. Now Wonder Woman will get to learn that you can't kick the Earth's ass without kicking your own ass at the same time! I think. Something like that. And even though Diana is also the God of War, I still wouldn't bet on her against The Swamp Thing.

Holy shit! Calm down! Somebody's still a little bit pissed about the alien vagina flower her boyfriend foisted on her.

Wonder Woman winds up tied up in roots as Aquaman stumbles onto the scene and pisses himself with laughter. Swamp Thing lets them know he'll share anything he finds about what happened before shambling off. You know, I don't blame Aquaman at all for this misunderstanding. I blame Superman. He's the closest thing Swamp Thing has to a friend on the Justice League and he hasn't briefed the rest of the crew on him? He hasn't told his girlfriend about the wonderful, gentle, lost man named Alec Holland? Maybe Superman is ashamed to be friends with a monster?

On the ride home, Aquaman asks Wonder Woman why she's suddenly so anti-hugs. Forget that. I want to know why the Justice League allows Aquaman to fly a space ship?

Is this the newest model of Lex-Wayne airbus? You'd think they'd have a method of travel that spews less pollutants. Like flying fish! Or just having Wonder Woman carry Aquaman.

Wonder Woman and Aquaman have a heart-to-heart discussion about responsibilities and letting people down. Aquaman, who just let Mera and Atlantis and all of the readers of DC Comic books everywhere down by teaming up with The Others, gives her this advice: "Just make sure the person you let down isn't you." Normally that's good advice but only when it's me not letting me down. When the advice leads Aquaman to star in the most boring comic book I've ever read, I think it's horrible advice. He should not be letting Mera and Atlantis down even if what he really wants is to bang the fuck out of Ya'wara.

Since Wonder Woman and Aquaman (or Swamp Thing even!) aren't the world's greatest detectives, they give up pretty quickly on figuring out what destroyed the villages. Plus Aquaman said it's okay to let down the people expecting this mystery to be solved! So Wonder Woman, not wanting to let herself down, heads back to Paradise Island to make sure the boys and girls are getting along. Once there, she discovers another mystery: The Case of the Destroyed Clay Mother Statue! See?! Wonder Woman wasn't talking about water at all! She was talking about her mom! Unless she was talking about the water which eroded and destroyed her mom statue. Look, I'm not the world's greatest detective either, okay?!

Wonder Woman #36 Rating: Not even close to as bad as I was expecting it to be! Whether or not you have any problems with the characterization, I think you have to admit that the writing and dialogue is competently handled. Except maybe the vegetative injustice scene. And after the first few pages, the book didn't rely on Narration Boxing at all.

This version of Wonder Woman is much closer to the Justice League version of Wonder Woman than the Azzarello version of Wonder Woman. And even though it's the Justice League version of Wonder Woman that everybody hates when they talk about how wrong the New 52 version of Wonder Woman is, lots of people seem to hate Azzarello's version of Wonder Woman simply because of the story about the Amazons raping and killing sailors. So anti-feminist to criticize the Amazons for living the way they want to live! Also, I heard the sailors were asking for it. You should have seen what they were wearing!