Earth 2 Annual #1

What the world needs now is MORE BATMAN!

While half asleep last night, I came up with a plan for you to use if you ever want to scare your friends. So here's what you do if you ever find yourself with a group friends in a stark urban/lonely rural/disquieting natural landscape!

How To Properly Scare Your Friends

1. Gather your friends together.
2. Light the room with candles.
3. Invoke Satan's name loudly.
4. Begin playing a scary children's game like Bloody Mary or Ouija or Hide and Seek or Machete Tag.
5. After the game has been going for at least fifteen minutes or so, excuse yourself from the room.
6. Kill yourself.
7. Come back and haunt them!
8. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

If they don't seem to be afraid of you, look in a mirror. If you don't look like something from a Japanese Horror Movie, you might have to use your brains instead of your good looks to scare them. Try manipulating the Ouija board so it spells out, "NO MORE CANDY" or "I HAVEN'T HAD ANAL IN YEARS."

This is the super trimmed down version of my late night vision since remembering all the random thoughts that enter your half-asleep head is stupidly impossible. I really need a secretary to dictate my pre-sleep and post-waking thoughts so I stop spilling them all over the bedroom floor and losing them. I think the entire thought began with a flow chart of things to do to survive a Japanese Horror Film! The first decision was something like, "Look around at your friends? Is everybody Japanese?" If Yes then "You are fucked." Actually, it went on to ask multiple questions like "Are you making a typical stand against Japanese Cultural Homogeneity?" If Yes, then "Do you harbor any horrible secrets like the way you might have treated the fat kid in elementary school?" It would be a long string of questions that if you answer yes to all of them, you'd eventually get to the "You're fucked!" conclusion because not only will you die in the horror movie but you're most likely the cause of the horrible spirit as well!

That whole last paragraph just seems to come across as lazy because it's simply an example of something I should have just put together. And I might have, too, if I'd thought of it with a clearer head! But I don't feel like dredging up all the half-remembered ideas that I loved so much last night as I was falling asleep and now can barely grasp in the morning. That's work and, as Future Retard so eloquently put it so many years ago, work is not fun.

One more thing before I begin reading another stupid Annual: my cat's new nickname is Captain Blasters.

The American Motto: "We get it done without expending any significant time questioning what 'it' is!"

Al Pratt, now known as The Atom, is on his way to find the new Batman or defeat Steppenwolf or imperialize another country as he remembers when he finally gave some consideration to the phrase, "Get it done." At the time, his therapist was an amazingly intuitive genius that realized Al had problems because he hadn't smiled for a full year. At the beginning of that year, Al was blown up by a nuclear missile and survived. That's the kind of thing that would have me dancing in the streets! Except I'm pretty sure he has Survivor's Guilt and that can make you think all kinds of crazy things like you don't deserve to live or that God actually exists.

Al Pratt also remembers fighting vampires with Steel two and three quarters years ago. He may or may not have been a Manhunter. Two and a half years ago, his therapist asked the most important question of all.

Oh! Oh! I know! Because this is a Teen Rated comic book! Also because our patriarchy has had a serious issue with showing the penis, even when it's flaccid! I don't know if it has to do with stodgy old white men with small dicks or somehow trying to control the sexual urges of women by allowing them very few mainstream opportunities to see the male genitalia. Recently there have been more movies willing to show the flaccid penis and I say, "It's about fucking time!" Not that I was particularly clamoring for it! But I never understood why it had to be such a huge issue that my aunt kept a mental list of the handful of movies she could rent at the video store that might give her a glimpse of the dong.

So Al Pratt, The Atom, has entered Phnom Penh to seek out some guy named Henri Roy. Meanwhile Steel has a meeting with Commander Khan of the World Army. The meeting is about the Fire Pits of Earth which Sloan set up probably because he had some kind of back door deal with Darkseid. That sounded sexier than I expected. Oh, but it gets even sexier! Commander Khan wants Steel to penetrate the Fire Pit in Rio De Janeiro!

That part with Steel and Khan was just an interlude and since it didn't say, "First Interlude," I'm guessing that's going to be a story for another day. I think it's about time we learn about the new Batman and how he's going to rescue The Atom.

Except I was taken in by The Atom's disguise myself and forgot he was The Atom! Why should he need to be rescued? He just grows into a giant with atomic fists and begins getting it done. Meanwhile the newest Batman sits in the rafters doing research. Roy climbs into his Mech and runs off while Newest Batman makes his debut taking out some reinforcements so The Atom can chase after Roy who opted for the Grasshopper over the Atlas because he's more the turn and run type than the stand and blow 5,000 missiles down your opponent's throat type.

Here he is! The newest Goddamned BAAAAAATMMMMMMAAAAAAAN! (Sang to the tune of whatever fucking song is stuck in your head right now)

The Atom captures Henri Roy but that's just the backdrop for the real story. War has been declared on Steppenwolf's country of Dherain and the World Army is sending in The Atom with Red Arrow and some of the Sandmen. Also, Henri Roy's boy, Henri Junior, has been having oncoming super power headaches for some time now and Sloan wants to run some tests on him. Also also, the World Army is bringing back their Heroes Initiative to gather up heroes for their cause. Ostensibly overseen by Terry Sloan, the Heroes Initiative will be managed and run by Sonia Sato, The Atom's crush. But I think that whole war with Steppenwolf thing can wait for the regular issues. For now, let's get back to Newest Batman!

Newest Batman is busy with detective work. Seems a bunch of super villains on Earth were given their powers by Kanto of Apokolips. And Kanto has been calling in those super villains to do some work for him as payback for their special powers. Newest Batman has been trying to track down where they're going and what Kanto is up to.

Is Newest Batman a killer?

Meanwhile in the epilogue (or the prologue for Earth #13 depending on how empty or full your comic books are), Scott Free and Barda are killing dinosaurs in Gotham City's Lost Land. The Gotham of Earth 2 is full of broken down buildings and burnt out skyscrapers, lush jungles, mad scientists, and roaming dinosaurs. In other words, not half as dangerous as the Gotham City of Earth Prime. Barda and Scott are in search of Newest Batman but have found no sign of him.

They do manage to find Fury though.

Earth 2 Annual #1 Rating: It mentioned Kanto the Assassin! That should be good enough for everybody's dog's mother.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #1

Why am I disappointed that Scott Lobdell isn't writing this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm currently caught up on all the regular titles and only have three more annuals to go before I can spend some quality time not putting every thought I have onto the internet. So let's get on with it!

The Master of Robo-Ninja Style Assassinating has found himself skewered on a number of spikes  and hanging over a fire on The Island of Misfit Assassins. The Assassins are all shown in the shadows but since the one that puts the Master of Robo-Ninja Style out of his misery uses claws on his hands and tigers have claws, he's probably Ben Turner.

The "she" is probably Cheshire.

The bounty talk has me confused. There is a half million dollar bounty on each member of the Outlaws. Bronze Tiger says, "You dare step in and take our bounty? You dare side against the likes of us?" I suppose the bounty is being offered by someone other than the League of Assassins? But they want Red Hood so they're trying to keep other people from claiming the bounty since they'd be taking their prey? Perhaps if I hadn't eaten so much candy, I'd be able to focus better.

Back on the island that serves as the Red Hood and the Outlaws' home, Jason Todd has now decided that he wants to know about his past. I knew it! You can't forget your past without the curiosity eventually forcing you to find a way to remember it! So instead of telling Saru to give him back his memories, Jason Todd trusted he didn't want them, left the All or Nothing Acres Wood, and then suddenly needed to know about himself. This whole loss of memory was a stupid idea. I'd really like to know the story behind Lobdell and editorial deciding Red Hood should have his mind wiped.

Since Starfire and Roy are suddenly being coy (Koy? Kori + Roy?) with Jason about his history, he looks himself up on Wikipedia. The main gist of the entry is that he has 83 confirmed kills under his hood. That's pretty good! I mean, bad. That's bad! It should probably be zero. Now look up Batman! What's his kill count?! Come on, I know it's not zero!

Meanwhile Roy is in bed thinking about his past because Kory hates to cuddle with anybody except Dick Grayson.

Oh, and it looks like I was wrong about Hugo Strange never coming back into the story! I'm sure if Lobdell were still writing, he'd have forgotten about it.

The Outlaws are falling apart now that Jason lost his memory. Jason thinks he can trust Roy and Kory but then he reads that he's an international criminal and a killer and he's not sure he can. Roy feels Kori is lying to him about something big (she is! She still loves Dick! No, no. Grayson's dick!), so he's losing his trust in her. And he's remembering how Green Arrow lost trust in Speedy because Speedy would drink a twelve pack of beer when he was doing Naomi's job. And now Roy finds some green arrows on the beach and wonders what that could possibly mean.

He's surprised to discover it means Green Arrow is visiting!

While Roy and Ollie are getting reacquainted, Starfire is busy getting herself killed.

By Cheshire's crotch!

Roy sends Ollie to go protect Red Hood since Red Hood who apparently doesn't have a secret identity since Roy tells Ollie to find Jason (I just can't keep straight who does and doesn't have a secret identity!) while Roy remembers his past with Green Arrow. Hmm, that was quite the miserable sentence! I think Roy is also supposed to be fighting Cheshire and trying to save Starfire's life but sometimes you just have to hesitate for a moment and remember that time in your life when your idol told you there is no fucking way in hell he wants to put a kid's life at risk by allowing him to be his sidekick. And that sentence wasn't much better!

Wait a second. Roy is all fucked up because Green Arrow was, unlike Bruce Wayne, acting responsibly? Boo fucking hoo! Go stick a needle in your arm! Oh yeah, he did!

She's not being sexy! She's talking about fingers! What do fingers have to do with sex?! Stupid Roy!

Cheshire and Roy fight for a bit longer while Cheshire makes everybody reading aware that she wants to fuck him hard and squeeze out a baby named Lian. Is there something about Roy that I'm not seeing? Why does everybody want to fuck him so badly? Haven't they seen how awful his Narration Boxing is? Eventually Cheshire realizes this comic book doesn't have a Teen Plus rating so she blows poison in his face and steals his hat. Then Cheshire Cat's over to Red Hood and Green Arrow for some more sexual assault.

Cheshire poisons Roy again because Roy wasn't done getting his ass kicked. I think that means he's showing love for his friends or moxy or something. Is it possible I've completely lost interest in these characters because of how badly Scott Lobdell handled them?! I just see Cheshire about to paralyze Jason Todd and I think, "Nope, he can't be paralyzed. Scott Lobdell said so." And then Starfire grabs Cheshire and drags her over the ocean while saying, "That actually hurt me," and I think, "Is Scott Lobdell still writing this comic book?!" And then Green Arrow saves Speedy and I think, "I wonder if Scott Lobdell's friend Ann Nocenti wants to tell me about all of Cheshire's toxins and where they come from and how they destroy the biology of the victim!" And then Cheshire says, "You win this round but it's not over yet! I did that thing where I didn't actually want to win because I won by not winning and learned all your power levels and now you're all going to be in very serious trouble, Outlaws!" And I don't think anything because I made that up. But it's close enough to what happened to not show up as a lie when Jesus judges me for my sins!

Now I just have to get through the aftermath before I can take a nap!

Good job, idiot. Now you need another memory wipe!

Speedy yells at Green Arrow because Green Arrow apparently did one thing that Speedy can't forgive him for although Speedy did about fifty bajillion things that Green Arrow has forgiven him for. So fuck you, Roy Harper. You're an immature prick and even if you might have been a likable character at some point, I'll never know it. Because I knew you as Speedy and never liked you. And I knew you when Scott Lobdell was writing you and I fucking hated you. And I'm not as big a man as Green Arrow, so it doesn't look like I'll be forgiving your faults any time soon.

Green Arrow leaves the island and Jason Todd stows away on board his heliflippitor. And then the big shocking reveal!

Well, now Jesus really can't say I was lying! Although prognostication might be a witchy power that He's not cool with.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #1 Rating: Angsty!

Batman: The Dark Knight Annual #1

Scarecrow wants an article too!

I've often wondered if DC has standardized rules for whether or not any particular character should have "the" attached to their name. Does The Daily Planet have a style guide for this sort of thing? Is it Batman or The Batman? I don't think it's ever The Superman unless someone is trying to describe which super man they're talking about. "Superman, idiot! THE Superman!" In the case of this cover, I would have at least gone for consistency and said "the Scarecrow!" But that's why I think DC actually has some rules somewhere about the names! Why else would they ignore consistency if not for some mysterious set of rules for adding "the" to a character's name.

I think, if you want to be absolutely correct, the only time you add "the" to Batman's name is if "the" is followed by "Goddamned."

This Annual takes place on no particular Halloween. The Mad Hatter has received a missive from Oswald Cobblepot to meet him at The Mad Hatter's old condominium, the Arkham Detention Facility for Youth.

I guess someone else sent the notes. What the fuck is this? A romantic comedy?

I think The Great Pumpkin sent the notes because there are pumpkins on them. Or maybe The Headless Horseman. Is there a Headless Horseman in the DCU? Maybe they were sent from Jack Pumpkinhead from The Dreaming. That's it. I don't think it could be anybody else, so it better be one of those choices or my suspension of disbelief is going to be strained to its limits.

It turns out Scarecrow also received a note with a pumpkin stamp. Now that I think about it for a bit longer, I guess this story isn't necessarily taking place in the present because Halloween hasn't fallen in June for a very long time. So now I'm really hoping that Damian sent the notes!

Speaking of consistency....

Oh, oh! I know this poem:

"Once upon a midnight dreary, The Jabberwock could see me clearly,
Masturbating quite furiously over some hardcore gay porn,
With my rod out, quickly fapping, suddenly I needed crapping,
Urgently I stopped my slapping, flapping through my bathroom door.
'You're disgusting,' he gallumphed, 'grappling with your vorpal sword.'
Snicker snack and nothing more."

I forget the rest.

While this motley trio discuss who could have sent the notes, some lightning flashes and some bats flap about. Now they're all quite sure that The Batman has brought them together to torment them. You'd think they'd remember that there's another guy in town that goes by The Joker and this is all a big joke! Or a prank and there's that creep called The Prankster. This could also be considered a trick and it's Halloween, so maybe it's the Trickster! I'm beginning to suspect that my earlier belief that it could only be one of three distinct people was a bit off the mark.

Now The Penguin is finally thinking! I've already said (somewhere and many times!) that the richest people in Gotham are insurance salesmen, doctors, dentists, glass repair men, and drywallers.

They continue to discuss Batman's faults as the lightning and shadows and kreeeeeeks and darkness scare the tea and stuffing and pellets out of them. They decide their best course of action is to escape into the hedgerow maze because they're idiots. I think The Penguin's best course of action is to just walk out the front door. He's an upstanding citizen! Kind of! Well, at least he's not a psychopath. He's just a sociopath! But he's terrified because it's Halloween and Batman is scary.

After running into a Batman-shaped scarecrow, they retreat back into the house.

I don't see these guys ever teaming up ever again in all of The New 52's future stories.

Their bickering and ineptitude eventually leads to low self-esteem and drug use. Hopped up on the Scarecrow's fear toxin, they all begin to revel in their self-loathing. They all end up huddled and crying and sobbing and broken at the bottom of a staircase. Only when the sun comes up, do they gather up their things and make their escape.

I don't think these three really cross paths much anyway. Now they'll probably actively avoid each other.

In the end, it was, of course, The Goddamned Batman that played a Halloween prank on these idiots. Which is probably why they fucked with him so hard later in the year! Stop antagonizing psychos, Batman!

Batman: The Dark Knight Annual #1 Rating: Trick and Treaty!

Justice League of America #4

The Shaggy Man is the entire Secret Society? I suppose if just he can defeat the entire JLA, why bother with anybody else?

I hear a lot of people like the way this David Finch guy does art but I'm not buying into it. I hate how all of his women, no matter what their age, look fifteen. I hate that men and women underneath the same light look to be lighted in vastly different ways. I hate the way he gave Catwoman toothpick arms on this cover and put a huge divot in her boob where he fucked up the armpit. He did draw a really nice Shaggy Man though! I'm not saying he's not capable of drawing; I'm just saying I'll never be a fan because he's so fucking inconsistent. Luckily for me, Brett Booth is doing the interiors.

This issue begins with Dr. Light being called in by Amanda Waller. I thought Teen Titans #17 began with Lobdell creating his version of Dr. Light doing crazy things to children but I guess I was wrong. Or maybe that's what Lobdell was going to work on and then he forgot all about it and editorial wanted Dr. Light for Justice League of America and Lobdell's bit made no sense anyway, so fuck it. That bit of story from Teen Titans #17 won't ever mean anything. Just like that one page interlude with Hugo Strange on a book tour in Red Hood and the Outlaws isn't going to end up meaning anything. Just like Lobdell's foreshadowing of "The Thirteen" someday being reunited to end the omniverse will never amount to anything. I'm pretty sure I called that one just disappearing down the drain of bad Lobdell ideas.

Anyway, I was supposed to be discussing Dr. Light when I got sidetracked by my intense, all-consuming hatred for Scott Lobdell. I mean for Lobdell's writing! I'm sure he's a terribly nice demon. Guy! I meant guy!

So I'm pretty sure that Dr. Light is wearing a fake goatee. I don't know why! I'm not going to make a guess at gender or sex or whatever just to open myself up to abuse by social justicers who decided I didn't use a certain term in a certain way and they were totally fucking offended by it! Calm down, y'all. Save your outrage for actual outrageous shit. I'm just typing stupid bullshit about comic books over here. Get some perspective!

I don't know who I'm typing at! I'm pretty sure anybody easily offended and unable to parse hyperbole, exaggeration, and humor never even make it through one of my commentaries.

Tell me that facial hair isn't fake!

Doctor Light has been called in to examine a coin taken off of Multiplex by Green Arrow. It's their one clue to figuring out where Catwoman was taken by Blockbuster and Signalman. There's some bullshit about the coin emitting a frequency that Waller's team can't identify yet they can replicate it yet they can't pick it up yet they don't know if it's biological and they don't know how to tune a radio properly or how to switch over to the tape deck and the auto-reverse just keeps flipping back and forth and Dr. Light is supposed to solve all of their problems.

The Justice League of America board Steve Trevor's invisible jet to trace the signal that Dr. Light locks onto. I know what you're thinking! Invisible Jet?! He stole that technology from Wonder Woman! Well, he might have. But ARGUS (no more periods! I'm done with periods!) has improved the technology so it also makes the occupants invisible as well! Seriously, what good is an invisible jet when you can still see the passengers pooping?

Also, Stargirl has stowed away (or stowawayed?) on the plane because she hates Amanda Waller and her stupid plan to keep Stargirl out of the action.

Meanwhile Catwoman has escaped her chair and is exploring the Secret Society of Super Villains hideout.

With a map of the Batcave, it looks like whoever runs this little show is the person who stole the Kryptonite Ring from Batman's arsenal and gave it to Despero. Unless it was Martian Manhunter who did that, seeing as Martian Manhunter has all the right abilities to get past Batman's eye scans and palm scans and penis siphons and rectum idents. Also, Despero made those cryptic remarks about Manhunter wanting him to join him. Although that could have been about ancient history when Manhunter perhaps wanted to conquer Earth and was palling up with jerks like Despero and Amazo and Eclipso and Oreo.

The team eventually finds the Secret Society of Super Villains Headquarters which is a mansion that seems to teleport from forest to forest around the world. They infiltrate the base and quickly discover Professor Ivo's robot lab.

Actually, I think they were the iceberg. An Aquaman robot is a couple of ice cube trays at best.

And then The Shaggy Man attacks! The Shaggy Man has the ability to defend against any attack it's seen before. So I'm pretty sure my initial plan would be to shove a gun up its ass and pull the trigger. I doubt that's happened to it before!

Meanwhile Professor Ivo has discovered Catwoman prancing around on her investigating feet and he doesn't seem to question it too closely. Let's see, last time anybody saw her she was tied to a chair in their interrogation room. And now she's in the leader's office? Oh, no big deal. Come along. Let's meet everyone!

But Catwoman and her massive thigh aren't taking any chances.

Back to the fight with The Shaggy Man, Martian Manhunter is discovering it can breathe fire. That kind of evens up the odds a bit. Also, Stargirl has yet to catch up to them but I have a feeling she might be in some trouble. Amanda was keeping Stargirl off of the field team because Amanda's main concern was keeping Stargirl from getting killed. Now that Stargirl has ignored Amanda's orders, it means Stargirl has to face the consequences. And the set up is suggesting those consequences will be in the form of decapitation. Or evisceration. Possibly immolation.

The only trouble with that speculation is that it would seem really weird to introduce Stargirl to the New 52, have her do exactly nothing, and then kill her off immediately. Although she seems to have some kind of connection with Sylvester Pemberton and I think he's dead. Maybe. So death might not faze her for too long. Oh hell, she might not even die. Maybe she'll save them all! In your face, Amanda "doesn't actually know it all now, does she" Waller!

Except that whole Shaggy Man fight is just backdrop to the real action. Catwoman is eventually caught and returned to her chair where the pale, purple leader threatens to kill her if she doesn't tell him why her and her teammates have come looking for them. He also tells her he's about to send some crazy ass feedback through the coin that Dr. Light is examining. Catwoman tells the leader that killing her will bring Batman down on him and his cohorts and he seems fairly agreeable to those terms.

I'm pretty certain she has at least five more lives left. She managed to survive landing on her face in the street after Batman kicked her off of a motorcycle going 100 miles per hour!

Has Catwoman's comic book been canceled? Even with Ann Nocenti at the helm? No? So Catwoman must be okay. That gun she was shot with is probably using some kind of Ich Luge bullets! Also, she can't be dead because Batman! He's already had so much death in his life lately, how can he handle anymore? I mean, how can Alfred handle anymore!?

The back-up story is by Matt Kindt again and it's about Martian Manhunter's vulnerability to fire. I think he developed the vulnerability when an editor said, "Seriously, Joe? Why not just give him every power in the book! This guy can't be fucking beat! Make him vulnerable to kryptonite or something, sheesh."

Except it's actually guilt for being away on Phobos taking his Presidential Fitness Test while the rest of the Martians were wiped out in a global fire created by a Yellow Lantern (or more than one?). So now his survivor's guilt causes him to want to throw himself into a flame whenever he's near one.

The story may or may not have been more elegant than my synopsis. But you all know that having read the comic before reading my commentary, right?

Justice League of America #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope Stargirl knows how to heal head wounds. And brain damage. And loss of blood. And fractured skulls.

Aquaman #20

For the 2% of readers that thought this book had too much Aquaman, here's an issue about The Others!

Last issue, Aquaman had to deal with a submarine that had found its way stranded on the shoreline.

The Scavenger is just looking for Twinkies?

Okay, so that might actually be an image from a 1979 advert for Hostess Twinkies. But as you can see, Geoff Johns ripped off the plot for Aquaman #19 from this advertisement! Leave it to Geoff Johns to make a Hostess Twinkies advert into actual continuity. I wonder if he ever made the Fruit Pie loving Triklops into a character in his ten year Green Lantern run?

The first thing I notice is that this issue is called Skinwalker. I just recently made some comments in All-Star Western #19 about how I thought The Lone Ranger was actually about a cowboy and a Native American hunting Skinwalkers every episode which is why he needed a silver bullet. The next thing I notice is that this issue wasn't written by Geoff Johns nor drawn by Paul Pelletier and Sean Parsons. Which means I have to change my tags! DC, you guys are jerks! I am so inconvenienced right now! Instead it was written by John Ostrander! Yay! It's drawn by Manuel Garcia! I have no opinion of this because I'm horrible at remembering what many artists have done so far in The New 52. It's inked by Sandra Hope (did she already drop the "Archer"?), Rob Hunter, Ray McCarthy, and Wayne Faucher. That's a lot of ink! I don't normally list the creative team in the commentary but that's because it's usually correct on the cover which I scan! Stupid DC! Stop being stupid or I'll threaten to stop buying your comic books while never actually intending to stop buying them.

After the Skinwalker confronts some nobody under a moon that can't decide how big to be and a field of fireflies (they aren't stars because they keep changing positions!), the scene moves to The Living Room. That's the name of The Operative's plane and headquarters. I guess it remains in the air flying around the world pissing off governments as it ignores air space boundaries and messages from air traffic controllers.

These vigilantes are all the same! The laws don't apply to their shit that doesn't stink, bitches! Hasn't she heard of the Amber Alert system? "Be on the lookout for a full grown man last seen in flying living room with super hero wearing an "I" on his forehead."

Even though the Living Room is constantly changing positions while flying quickly across the sky, Ya'wara manages to teleport herself and Aquaman and Prisoner of War aboard. So she's better at doing calculations than Cyborg who refused to teleport everybody onto the falling Watchtower? That's what's wrong with computers! They can only do what you tell them to do and have no initiative of their own. I should blame Batman for not giving Cyborg the proper instructions.

This is the part where I scan in a picture of Ya'wara because she's nearly naked. People who are offended by awesome boobs and/or the fact that all the men are fully clothed should look away now.

Anybody want to try guessing whose gaze comics are drawn for?

Aquaman is merely making an appearance to give The Others their mission. They must head to the Arizona desert and retrieve an Atlantean Glove that can punch through "steel, stone, or flesh." That's some technology if it can punch through flesh! Someone call the technology police! "Hello, Technology Police? There's a weapon out there that can pierce human flesh! It's been...what? No, no. I'm not talking about toothpicks. See, it's this glove from...hunh? No, not tacks. Not nails. Or knives. Listen to me! It's this super high technology fist that can...stop laughing at me! I'm serious! You need to hunt it...oh, go fuck yourselves!"

That's pretty much how all of my telephone conversations end anyway. That's why I don't have a cell phone. I'm trying to hold on to the few friends I have left by not talking to them.

Back in Arizona, a girl named Sky lives on the Fort Apache Reservation with her brother the cop and her grandmother the medicine woman. Sky can communicate with the dead who tell her of future things and possibilities. She uses her latest bit of information to meet with The Others when they make an emergency landing in the desert. She boards the plane before any of them can get off and immediately tries to take Kahina's Seal of Clarity. She claims it is her gift and since Kahina was a seer, it looks like Sky is supposed to take her place. Sky also mentions that the new owner of Vostok X's helmet has not come forward yet because he's not ready and still underground. And then Sky is nearly eaten by Ya'wara's jaguars.

Well, according to Ya'wara, they aren't HER jaguars, per se. They're just some wild animals that are hanging out with her for some reason.

"Yeah, Sky. This is Kahina. Tell Ya'wara that I would have totally fucked her if I weren't Islamic and married. And could you also show her how to put on a shirt?"

Sky also tells them that she knows who has the Power Glove and why he has it and how to stop him. So they head off to deal with that and then do that! Yay! Success!

Since I summed up the final fight of the comic book so succinctly (and I think Succinctness is the cleanliness of wit or something), here's one more picture of Ya'Wara's boobs before I rate this comic book.

I bet instead of nipples, Ya'wara has little jaguar mouths on her breasts.

Aquaman #20 Rating: No change. This comic book had some well developed characters (pun!) but none of them were Aquaman. So I can't really rate it as an Aquaman comic book! Maybe next month I'll have more opportunities to make fun of Aquaman.

Superman #20

Is DC making an attempt to own SMASH?

Last month there was some really dumb aliens called Sunturians. It was super dumb which is why it was in this comic book. You only get normal levels of dumb in books like Batman and The Flash. You can find some wonder dumb in Wonder Woman. But you only get super dumb in this comic book. Oh, not because it's Superman! Because it's written by Scott Lobdell!

Then Diana Prince met all of Clark Kent's "friends." I put friends in quotation marks because you don't usually think of the people you lie to about every aspect of yourself as your friends. And then Orion came back to town to kill Superman. He needs to kill Superman otherwise the only consequence that Scott Lobdell can think of will take place: the end of omnithing.

Now to get back to Orion and Superman punching each other in the face.

Oh, excuse me. I forgot for half a second that this was a Scott Lobdell Jam and he's incapable of beginning any comic book from the point the last comic book ended. I can only imagine that reading a trade of Lobdell's issues is a confusing fucking mess.

So apparently while Superman and Orion began bashing each other in the face, Superman was suddenly overwhelmed by Hector Hammond's psychic shenanigans causing him to believe Ma and Pa Kent are alive and it's the future and he's married to Lois (or Diana (Or Lana (Or Bruce))) and he's happy and everything is right with the world. That's my best possible guess. But this was written by Scott Lobdell who is apparently stuck writing Cable stories over and over and over again. So this could actually be an alternate timeline that has something to do with why the omniverse is going to be destroyed. Perhaps if Superman chooses this timeline through some kind of Hector Hammond mischief, it'll end the world. So Superman has to somehow give up this fictional world which shouldn't exist in any way at all so that the real world can survive. Or something. Trying to be in Scott Lobdell's headspace is confusing and imprecise.

Fuck I hope this is just a Hammond induced fantasy.

I'm not sure Lobdell is capable of writing a story that doesn't include any of these things.

So he married Lana. Was Lana the first person Clark ever had sex with? If so, I'm surprised he didn't kill her. Perhaps this is the timeline that originally existed before Mxyzptlk fucked with it in Action Comics by killing Ma and Pa Kent. Because of that, Clark probably partially blamed Lana and they just couldn't get past it and they ended it. But without Mxy fucking with the timeline, this is how it all would have turned out. Or, at least, this is how Superman fantasizes it would have turned out.

But then Orion punches Superman in the face and that fantasy is smashed to bits. And then Superman punches back.

Big surprise. Another immortal being shocked at feeling something. Once again, Lobdell steals from Lobdell. This is pretty much the same reaction Trigon had to being punched by Cassie (or Superboy. I forget!).

At least the editing and art have lowered themselves to the level of the writing.

Now that I've pointed out the "your" mistake, I'll probably get dozens of comments pointing out all of my mistakes. The only difference is I don't pay a fucking editor to catch this shit. Hell, I don't even reread any of this until next month before I read Superman #21. But I do fix my mistakes then!

It's a good thing I can't drop this comic book's rank any further because it's doing a couple of things I personally dislike. Orion is acting on a prophecy. Lazy motivation for a character. Alternate timelines. Lazy way to examine a character through different circumstances that eventually mean nothing.

Depending on the way they're written, I don't immediately hate alternate timeline stories. It's just that if every possibility is possible, then saving a future timeline makes no sense because a timeline already exists where that future was saved. Also the future where the timeline isn't saved still exists. One of my favorite alternate timeline stories is the episode of Star Trek Voyager where the episode begins on the alternate timeline ship although that's never made clear until the end of the episode. That was nicely done! I've been vague on the details because I don't remember any of them, like the name of the crew member that switches timelines to replace his character that dies in the original timeline.

Anyway, back to the fight between Superman and Orion. I don't think I'm going to have a lot to say about it. Superman needs to die so the omniverse can live. So I guess Superman is going to die! Except...oh yeah! There might be another way out of this future disaster! What if Superman can kick Hector Hammond out of his head? That would take care of that since Orion already identified Hector Hammond as the real problem. Then he can simply stomp on Hector's huge head and the omniverse will be saved and so will Superman.

Wonder Woman arrives and Orion decides he doesn't want his balls torn from his body, so he stops pummeling Superman. They decide to come up with another plan where Diana ties up Superman. Ooh, kinky.

Is it the Lasso of Truth and Insulting Oneself?

Once Orion realizes Hammond is in Superman's mind, he uses Mother Box to erase Hammond's knowledge of the Omniverse that would have ended omnithing. What was that knowledge and how would Hammond have used it? Fuck you. That's need to know! Just know that Lobdell assured us that the omniverse would have been destroyed if Orion hadn't saved the day!

And then Lobdell closes with the big shocker!

Oh no! Superman's imaginary wife from a non-existent future from a fantasy alternate timeline is a mind zombie! Those are the worst kind because they instantly have access to your brain.

Superman #20 Rating: No change. I suppose this issue wasn't as horrible as some of Lobdell's other New 52 issues. But it certainly ended nearly as anti-climatically as Superman's encounter with Oracle. Lobdell should really stop trying to turn every story into some kind of cosmic crisis that's going to turn all time into a mole hill because he's not even coming close to pulling it off. Hector Hammond was going to destroy the universe? Okay, maybe he read the mind of a Guardian of the Universe or something and he was housed in Superman's body. But it's not like he took over Batman's body. That might have been trouble!

Justice League Dark #20

Four out of six impotent characters on this cover. Guess which ones and why!

Whatever answers you came up with for the caption cover quiz are correct because nobody's opinions should ever be judged or challenged in any way. I'm fucking serious! What do you think I'm doing with this blog? Just joking and acting silly? Well you're wrong! This blog is the most serious thing I've ever done. And it's time I buckled down and made something of myself. From now on, I'm throwing the jokes and the humor and the self-deprecation in the garbage next to my nudie magazines (for the younger crowd, people used to actually look at static porn images in paper magazines purchased from racks behind the counters in 7-11 (or, more likely, found in a bush at the local high school (My friends and I once found a stack of porn magazines in the bushes of our elementary school. We changed their hiding place and enjoyed them for a few weeks before some other kids found and moved them. One of the magazines was called "Girls Who Eat Cum" and we'd never, ever, ever seen anything like it before. It's fucking tame compared to what kids can find today))). There will be no more whimsy or masturbation in this household!

Last month, New York City was in the throes of Doctor Destiny's machinations. Stop your snickering. That is not a euphemism for sexual congress. The House of Mystery had gone out of control. Or at least out of Constantine's control. I believe it is now under the control of Doctor Destiny and his Dreamstone and/or Materioptikon. The Swamp Thing was brought in for laughs and The Flash ran into Frankenstein while exploring the sewers of New York. This was not adequately explained in last month's issue. Perhaps it was simply a metaphor for running through life too fast and without purpose, treating it as a joyful holiday filled with candies and light-hearted, gay moments to be remembered fondly on the all too quickly approaching death bed, after which the remembrances would dissolve along with the decomposing organic matter that once housed the cursed spark of clarity which imbues life with an abundance of meaning while also allowing for the knowledge of one's inevitable demise.

Allow me, for a moment, to ask a favor of the reader. If you have not already read Justice League Dark #20 through legally purchased means, please forgo reading the rest of this entry. I am not writing this as a synopsis for you to learn what is happening in Justice League Dark without having paid DC and your local comic book shop their fair share of silver coin. I believe we are all adults, so I will use the honor system instead of password protecting my entries. And now, on to this month's fascinating tale of magic and terror!

The Flash explains his reasons for being in the sewers of New York. He also admits to being as shallow a monster as every being Frankenstein is cursed to meet during his travels through relife.

Luckily The Flash is not in the habit of carrying a torch around with him or his encounter with Frankenstein might have ended tragically. As it is, The Flash shares another power of his that I had been unaware of: he is able to move his eyes really fast which enables him to see the different energies that make up different types of matter. Does he merely whip his eyeballs back and forth in his sockets? How, exactly, does this enable him to see energies? Is he picking up wavelengths in a way that our slow and ponderous eye movements are unable to see? Can he move his eyeballs so quickly that they pop out of the sockets, dangling unattractively against his cheeks? Again, I reiterate, who here is the real monster?

The Flash learns that Frankenstein works with "other monsters" (his hurtful words) and offers to track them down. The first one he brings back is Madame Xanadu because she's the biggest monster of them all (my hurtful words but they're not without merit. Madame Xanadu is the worst character in the DC Universe right after every character written by Scott Lobdell. Her power is to see the future but this power never actually helps anybody in any way. This power may, in fact, be complete bullshit since the future she often sees never actually comes true because she supposedly helps people to change it. Well, isn't that convenient).

Next on the list to save is Deadman.

What do you know? Madame Xanadu is doing some heavy lifting.

The Flash appears after everybody else with a "better late than never" joke because he's the fastest man in the world. The line was delivered better in Green Lantern #20 by G'nort. Speaking of G'nort, to be a proper Justice League, a team really needs a Green Lantern. I think G'nort would be a perfect fit for this team. And since I promised earlier to stop being silly and whimsical, you know I really mean that statement. Although if Swamp Thing sticks around for any length of time, that would put three people on the team with a green theme going on and even with Madame Xanadu all in purple, it still throws off the color balance. The balanced look of a super hero team is just as important as the balance of powers. The original Justice League of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, and Aquaman was created because of the rainbow effect. Red Flash, Orange Aquaman, Yellow Wonder Woman, Green Green Lantern, Blue Superman, Purple Batman. Wonder Woman isn't yellow but her lasso always had a nice glow to it that helped fill out the yellow band along with Aquaman's hair.

Next up, they rescue John Constantine from himself. A bunch of blood doppelgangers have sprung up about John and they're killing innocents in the streets of New York. Constantine saves himself after Flash and the others provide a distraction and he makes sure they know that he saved himself. That's because he can lie on Earth Prime. He had a moment where he was unable to lie when he visited Faerie although that wasn't explained very well. DC seems to have a problem explaining things. I suppose they don't want to coddle their readership. They want us to figure it out on our own. Well, I'm too busy to figure out comic books. Please spoon feed me everything in the manner of an Ann Nocenti character.

Once everybody decides they all have an important role to play in stopping this disaster, The Flash tracks down the House of Mystery to a penthouse apartment and they set off to stop it and save The Swamp Thing.

Or die at the hands of Madame Xanadu's forgotten love child.

Justice League Dark #20 Rating: No change. It's too hard to write a commentary while trying to avoid being myself. I thought I could write it quicker if I wasn't worried about being funny but it took longer worrying that I was inadvertently being funny and constantly changing stuff. And then what I changed things to was still stupid and funny and then I just gave up and ate a bottle of aspirin. So if the gardener finds my body and manages to call an ambulance and get my stomach pumped, then I'll see you all tomorrow when I curse my still beating heart because I have to read Scott Lobdell's Superman.