Justice League of America #5

Martian Manhunter's silliest disguise yet.

I'd like to thank Bryan Hitch for missing his deadlines because I always love to have a story interrupt another story before it's finished. After all, my favorite book of all time is The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night! I mean, it would be my favorite book if I could ever finish it. After all, it is more than six thousand pages long. It took my about thirty years to read the last book that was six thousand pages long and that one was called Cerebus and it was mostly pictures! So I expect to finish this one sometime just before I die. Although I don't have to wait every month for the next twenty pages of Burton's Arabian Nights translation so I don't really have an excuse for not reading it much faster. I think I've written about six thousand pages in the last four years which is probably why I haven't read six thousand pages.

So while Bryan Hitch takes a winter break from writing JLA, I'm forced to read another Justice League of America story by Matt Kindt! The last one he wrote was a year long hallucination starring Martian Manhunter and Stargirl so I'm not expecting a whole lot from this story. It's being co-written by Rob Williams who seems to be doing a decent job on his Martian Manhunter comic book so maybe I can rely on him constantly reminding Matt Kindt that the Justice League of America has more than two members in it. Although I don't see how this story can have anything to do with the current story over in Martian Manhunter since this comic book features a different Superman and Batman and Hal Jordan than the ones in Martian Manhunter's DC Youniverse.

The story begins in the past at a Justice League soiree aboard the Watchtower.

Other people acting distant? Aquaman. Batman. Other people Batman doesn't trust? Superman. Cyborg. The Flash. Green Lantern. Captain Marvel. Wonder Woman. Aquaman.

I'm not sure if I used the "soiree" correctly in what we'd all think of it as the looser meaning of the term. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary just says it's a party or reception held in the evening so this probably qualifies. Although I don't think "evening" exists in orbit and I doubt you can really call a party a "party" when nobody trusts each other enough to introduce themselves to the others by their real names. I guess it could be some kind of masquerade!

The Justice League currently don't have a cat aboard the space station so Martian Manhunter has nobody to hang out with in the corner. Instead, he heads to Death Valley which just seems like a really downer of a move and a self-destructive metaphor for not fitting in. "Oh! Oh! Everybody at this party is so different! I deserve to be alone in one a place on Earth so desolate that it has 'death' in the name! Boo hoo! Nobody likes me!" I probably shouldn't be acting so snotty to J'onn since I totally get where he's coming from. Parties where you hardly know anybody suck. I'd rather stay home and mope about how I don't fit in too! At least Martian Manhunter isn't going around the satellite asking people if they want to hear his poetry. "Anybody want to hear my latest work, 'I'd Rather Walk Alone In Death Valley Than Be Stuck At A Party Speaking With Hal Jordan'?!"

After spending a few minutes pouting in Death Valley about his non-existent reason for being on Earth (except maybe to live?), he decides to go to the other extreme and visit the crowded city of Tokyo! I also realize that J'onn might actually be in all of these places at once because he's a monster. I mean a martian!

J'onn is investigating a Martian cult in Tokyo which could totally just be a weird coincidence and have nothing to do with an invasion of martians at all! What I mean to say without actually saying it because some people might get the wrong idea is that Japan is fucking weird. In the best way possible, of course! I love the fucking place! I wish I could go back but this time with instant access to the language so that I could go in that secret club that was probably full of crazy sex but the bouncer at the door wouldn't let me in! He asked me, "Do you speak Japanese?" And when I admitted that I did not, he responded by saying, "Too bad for you!" What a tease! What awesome experience did my penis miss out on?!

Fucking martians! Breaking human hearts left and right and then probably eating them.

J'onn tracks down Thoth who insists on being called the UnNamed. He really should stick with Thoth since The UnNamed reminds me of The Untitled which reminds me of Scott Lobdell which reminds me of vomiting in my mouth and up into my sinus cavity.

The UnNamed turns out to be J'onn's ultimate Batman villain. He is the mirror image of J'onn if J'onn had made worse choices. They are both the last of their kind and they are both extremely lonely. Except The UnNamed has chosen to feel less lonely by murdering people and stealing their thoughts while J'onn has chosen to feel less lonely by making people fall in love with him and their crushing their dreams. It's possible J'onn is the actual villain here!

J'onn must be rattled from trying to enter The UnNamed's mind since he thinks "I'm not even sure if he has corporeal form to hit" as J'onn is flying through the wall after being punched by The UnNamed's corporeal form. Maybe this is so far in the past that J'onn just hasn't boned up on his detective skills yet. He's still too enmeshed in his emo poetry.

J'onn defeats The UnNamed by using some trick or something that involves nearly lobotomizing an old man. The UnNamed served its purpose and now J'onn knows that he is a weapon and that, ultimately, he's meant to destroy. So maybe now he'll set up his web of alternate personalities in his search to discover the truth of his existence? Is this sort of a Martian Manhunter Issue #0?

Beneath Death Valley, J'onn builds a vault to store all of his knowledge in some kind of sand and rock computer. Just like our computers which are like made of silicon or something. I might have that wrong because I spent most of my college years bitching about how Walt Whitman should try maybe writing shorter poems rather than learning anything useful.

Justice League of America #5 Rating: No change. Once again, Matt Kindt writes an issue of Justice League of America that's only stars Martian Manhunter! I bet Matt Kindt is the kind of guy who answers the door on Halloween and greets a bunch of kids expecting candy and instead punches them all in the face. I suppose DC's answer to writers running late on titles now is to just preempt the comic book with a story from another series? "Hey, you Justice League fans! We know you wanted to read about the Justice League but instead here's a commercial for our other comic book you may not have heard about called Martian Manhunter! Why don't you pick that one up too?!" This was a good story but it didn't fucking belong in this comic book! So my review of this comic book is "Fuck you, DC, because now whenever I answer the door on Halloween and see some kid dressed as a DC superhero, I'm probably going to punch them in the face." I hope the Raging At Matt Kindt Writing Justice League Books Starring Only Martian Manhunter Defense will be as successful as that Twinkie Defense!

Justice League of America #14

I guess this takes place on an Earth where America formed with twenty three original colonies.

Justice League of America has been the worst incarnation of any Justice League ever. At least that I've read. And I haven't actually read that many. But even if I can't rightly compare it to many past incarnations, basing it on its own merit, it was still awful. Mostly it was terrible because it was just an extension of Trinity War (which went nowhere and merely became a prologue for Forever Evil) and then it took a hiatus during Forever Evil where it told an imaginary adventure starring Stargirl and Martian Manhunter. Way to suck at planning comic books, DC.

I understand that comic book companies like to tie books together so readers feel they need to read the tie-in books and mini-series and other books tied in to those mini-series. But here's a little secret, DC: if you make the characters of a comic book interesting and get the reader emotionally involved with them and their story, they'll want to pick up other books where the characters appear. You don't need to ruin the main book simply because the characters are involved in some other story arc. Justice League of America should have just told stories about the Justice League of America that happened before the Crime Syndicate came to Earth instead of the bullshit story of Stargirl remembering that her parents loved her. Save that shit for the Stargirl mini-series.

I suppose JLA really was just a vehicle to highlight Stargirl anyway. Most of the stories revolved around her and how she was sidelined but she was too perky and eager to remain sidelined so she stepped up to help save the day. And then more of that. And still more of that. With a heaping helping of more of that. And now it looks like the final issue will be about Stargirl!

Stargirl says "literally" too much. And incorrectly. And when it isn't needed. Which it almost always isn't needed.

Apparently Steve Trevor's Justice League of America is being blamed for Earth being invaded by the Crime Syndicate. For some reason. Probably because they tied themselves so closely to the government of the United States and fuck the government of the United States. Amirite?! But mostly nobody gets to know exactly why the Justice League of America is taking responsibility because that shit is classified.

This issue is simply about how everybody went their separate ways. I guess. Whatever. Fuck this comic book! It was never allowed to tell a story! This was simply a place characters went to when they failed elsewhere! Nobody was interested in J'onn on Stormwatch, so he wound up in JLA. Hawkman's comic book was the shit that shit shits out of it, so he wound up on the JLA. Katana had the stink of Ann Nocenti's failure all over her, so she wound up in JLA. Nobody could figure out what the fuck to do with Simon Baz after Johns created him for no good fucking reason, so he wound up in JLA. Green Arrow had the stink of Ann Nocenti's failure all over him, so he wound up in the JLA. Vibe was never interesting ever, so he wound up on the JLA. Catwoman had the stink of Ann Nocenti's failure all over her, so she...oh wait. I already said that. Anyway, the Justice League of America was simply a holding place for characters DC didn't want to disappear from reader's minds. None of the characters (except for maybe Stargirl!) ever had a moment to develop since the plot was mostly about setting up Trinity War. Speaking of Trinity War, it was an idea that got flushed somewhere along the line and replaced by Forever Evil which is why Trinity War wound up in JLA!

"Thank you! Normally I wouldn't go near a brown man in a mask but since you save my child, I guess I'm grateful! And...oh my! Is that a gun in your leotards or are you...oh no. It's a gun. POLICE! HELP!"

Does Simon Baz still carry a gun around with him? That was my favorite thing about him! Fuck trusting some glitchy ring that needs to be shoved in a railroad lantern once per day. At least bullets don't lose power while you're sleeping.

I forgot to mention that Catwoman went back to being Catwoman or something. Anyway, on to what's happening in Green Arrow's life next!

The universe sighs a breath of relief! Green Arrow has been confined to Earth! Um. What?

She said "Arrow" not "Lantern" you idiot! I don't think Steve Trevor properly took care of his head wound after his battle with Grid.

Katana is busy with Outsiders stuff. She'll probably be back when the super hero Outsiders team reforms. I'm sure that'll happen during the Futures End nonsense. Hopefully Halo will turn up around then.

Currently, J'onn is tearing ARGUS Headquarters apart looking for Waller. Which means Waller must have wanted ARGUS's headquarters torn apart by J'onn since she knew he'd eventually get to her anyway. She must be up to something! It looks like ARGUS (and thus the JLA by association) were blamed for the whole Crime Syndicate Invasion thing and Waller once again wound up as the scapegoat. That's probably why she wanted the place destroyed. Just tear the whole fucking thing down and slink away unnoticed.

Stargirl is learning about her ex-teammates because she still wants to put a team together. But Trevor tells her how the government crippled him and that she should think outside of the box. So a light bulb appears over her head and she whispers, "Canada!" Because their government is powerless! Ha ha! Man, it must be nice to live in a country with no desire for power! Since all politicians are corrupt, it would be nice to have politicians that kept their corruption within their own borders! I think growing up in the cold causes you to develop an insulated outlook on the world!

J'onn finally catches up with Courtney and they agree to begin a new team which has already begun in Justice League United because this comic book was so fucking late.

Justice League of America #14 Rating: Good riddance. Hey DC? Can you stop publishing comic books just to take them out at the knees and keep them from going anywhere, leaving them to bleed out, helpless and struggling and pleading for their lives? Can you? No? Enh, fuck you anyway.

Suicide Squad #29

OMAC's O-Face.

Last issue ended with Deadshot shooting himself for the third time since this series began. He may be the greatest member of the Suicide Squad to ever live! Or die! Or die three times while still living! Most of the members of the Suicide Squad die from violence at other people's hands. Nobody ever actually takes the name literally and commits suicide even once, let alone three times! But Deadshot shot himself to take out Harley; he shot himself to take out Regulus; and now he's shot himself one last time with a magic bullet to take out OMAC. At least this time, he was able to shoot Amanda Waller as well.

The difference is, of course, that magic bullet I mentioned. Apparently this bullet is an Ich Luge bullet! It breaks the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood, but no real damage. It also gives the victim enhanced strength, super agility, and big time smarts. According to Waller, this magic bullet will give Deadshot and Harley Quinn the edge over OMAC.

But Amanda is constantly lying, right? So I think she just wants Deadshot and Harley to believe they have a chance against OMAC so that, while they're getting ripped apart, Amanda and Kevin Kho can figure out how to shut OMAC down. That's the Amanda Waller Way!

OMAC currently stands for One-Machine Attack Construct instead of One Man Army Corps like it used to or Old Man Ass Crack like it never did.

If Deadshot and Harley don't succeed, and if Kevin Kho can't force the Thinker out of OMAC, Amanda has one last option: send OMAC through a super secret portal at the bottom of Belle Reve. Excuse me. A PORTHOLE at the bottom of Belle Reve. That's an odd bit of terminology to use. Portal seems more apt. Unless Belle Reve isn't a prison at all! It's a Space Station!

Amanda Waller calls this "porthole" the Toilet because it's used to remove waste from this universe to some other unknown universe. My guess is it leads to the Marvel Universe. I think it backed up at the beginning of The New 52, spilling Scott Lobdell, Howard Mackie, and Ann Nocenti all over the floor. Disgusting!

I love transparency even if my readers hate my love for it because it always causes me to talk about things other than the comic book I was reading. But I just thought I'd point out that I just took a six hour break from reading Suicide Squad so I could earn a living. I came home with a bag of Darkside Skittles: The Other Side of the Rainbow. Apparently they're Evil Skittles. As I've been eating them, I occasionally stop to whisper darkly, "Rape the rainbow." Your mind would probably go there too if you knew what the flavours were (okay, maybe not your mind. Sheesh. I guess you're better than I am)! Dark Berry. Forbidden Fruit. Midnight Lime. Blood Orange. It sounds like the beginning of an episode of CSI (even to somebody like me that's never seen an episode!). The only flavour I don't get is Pomegranate. I think the Pomegranate represents sex in The Book of A Thousand Nights and a Night. Anyway, now I'm out of Evil Candy and need to get back to reading my comic book.

Why is Power Girl so tiny? And Steel so huge?!

Notice the placement of Power Girl's Boob Window here? Apparently Jim Fern and R.B. Silva were using different reference pictures for Power Girl's costume. Fern has drawn a costume that will actually keep Power Girl's breasts inside the costume.

I hate to say this because I feel bad when I criticize an artist (why don't I feel bad criticizing a writer?) but Jim Fern's art is lousy. Wayne Faucher on inks isn't doing anything to liven it up either! And Brett Smith's coloring? Well, let me just say he's no University of Northern Colorado at Greeley Alum Gabe Eltaeb!

The writing on Suicide Squad has been lousy as well! Come on, Matt Kindt. Stop fucking sleep walking through your writing assignments! You really aren't fucking trying on this Forever Evil shit, are you?

Nice, Deadshot! You just had to bring up Gwar, didn't you? Now you've got all the little Bohabs crying again!

This might be some of the worst art I've seen in The New 52 for quite some time. It's worse than the art you'd get in a free mini-comic strapped to the back of a knock-off action figure or dug out of the bottom of a box of Trix. Maybe it's some kind of Modern Art that I don't understand!

Really, Harley? OMAC and Cheese?! I suppose the shitty one-liners fit with the shitty art.

You may have noticed I'm not really discussing the plot much. That's because it amounts to everybody getting shot with magic bullets as they try to lead OMAC into the toilet.

Power Girl and Steel arrive to help out because this fight needs somebody in it that can actually survive a punch from OMAC. Steel bang bangs his silver hammer down upon OMAC's head causing Kevin Kho to renew his foothold in OMAC's mind. I don't know what's happening with The Thinker. I guess he's the guy that's been using OMAC's mouth to utter dialogue worse than Harley's.

Everybody drops down to Waller's level and stand around The Toilet looking stupid and disengaged. Inside OMAC's mind, Kevin and The Thinker are apparently fighting but that would be too complicated to draw if you only had the artistic skills of Jim Fern to rely on.

Goddammit! I feel horrible saying that! Why do I have such a soft spot when it comes to lambasting artists?! I think I'm still sore from the time Marcus To called me out to the woodshed, pulled down my pants, and softly inserted his tongue. No wait. I'm conflating two different memories! That was my uncle. Marcus just pointed out that I was a raging asshole when I criticized one of his covers. He was right to point out I was an asshole. But I was right to point out his cover design sucked spectacularly sweaty balls.

While everybody is kind of waiting to see if Kevin Kho saves OMAC from having to be flushed down the toilet, King Shark shows up with a little prepared speech he tells suitors when they want more than he'd like to give them. "Gee, Blank, my name is King Shark. You killed my father. Prepare to die." King Shark tackles OMAC into the Toilet and flushes himself away. OMAC grabs a ledge though. I guess King Shark will be appearing in Moon Knight next month.

Kevin defeats The Thinker and takes care of OMAC but then Captain Boomerang takes care of Kevin by kicking OMAC into The Toilet. Now Amanda has to fish two fucking lunkheads out of it somehow. Also Amanda has another twist because she's always lying about everything and manipulating everybody! The Magic Bullets were really Nano-Bombs! Now everybody is a forced member of The Squad again! Stupid jerks! They deserve this job! Get fooled by Amanda Waller once, shame on you! Get fooled by Amanda Waller dozens of times, your name is probably Floyd Lawson.

Captain Boomerang is eating invisible ribs.

Suicide Squad #29 Rating: -2 Ranking. Boring story. Horrendous art. Pretty good title ("Flushed") for this piece of shit.

Justice League of America #13

Pool's closed! Everybody out of the Slash Fiction Matrix!

How long have they been deep, deep inside of Firestorm? Superman's hair went all long and sexy! Also, what is that pose he's doing? I think he either has a Chest Burster inside of him or he's so full of Green Lantern Jizz that he's about to shit himself.

I'm not a biologist so I don't know if that last sentence was scientifically accurate or not. Does eating loads and loads of hard-light tainted semen cause diarrhea? I don't know! You know how difficult it is to find that stuff?

I wonder if Gatorade would put out a Hard-Light Tainted Semen Flavor? They've got the right colors for it.

Stargirl has finally made it to Los Angeles where she's going to be able to hug her mother one last time before the world ends. She left Martian Manhunter to die in the mountains of Colorado where his body will probably be discovered by a hiker later in the spring and defiled. The Justice League of America have not made an appearance in about twelve issues so I'm not sure why this comic book is called Justice League of America. I don't even think they'll be saved this issue because isn't Steve Trevor going to accomplish that over in ARGUS? Or is he suddenly too busy dealing with Doctor Light?

The issue begins with Stargirl finally figuring out that what she thinks has been happening for the last feels like millions of issues has only been a mind-scam. Hey! That sounds like a great name for a movie! I'm going to write a script for Mind-Scam and then travel back to 1983 where it would sound like a great idea!

I invented the cereal Cthuloops long before somebody on the internet made them. Fred Meyer used to have a generic cereal brand with a monstrous octopus on the bag and I called that cereal Cthuloops. I probably should have bought a bag but I think they only came in 25 pound sacks.

You can tell Stargirl is still an amateur because she has to explain her burn on the next page. So we get what the fuck she's saying in that last panel because she was just thinking about Despero and she watched him kill J'onn last issue and the issue before that was when she first met him. So we get it! Despero! Despair-O's. But then the next page, she has to tell Despero, "Despair-O's" as if he (and we!) didn't already know what she was thinking! She needs to work on streamlining her one-liners (the key word there is "one." Oh, and also "line.").

Apparently Despero feeds on fear and he's supping on Stargirl right now. But she has a plan! Her plan is to read his mind and learn his coming of age story! And then she'll be all, "Oh yeah! You think you're going to defeat me by discovering masturbation in the tub! What you don't know is I can hear the rhythmic splashing from downstairs and I know what you're up to, you filthy boy!" And then Despero will be all, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and fall down on his knees in submission.

That's not cool. You can really give somebody a complex by judging their bodily behaviors.

Stargirl next compares this battle with Sudoku. No wonder I'm finding this comic book so fucking boring. Sudoku is bullshit, people. Stop wasting your time! It's not an intellectual exercise! It's barely a puzzle! It's mind numbing mind numbery using numbers and no mind! It's worse than Solitaire! No, you know what. It's worse than religion! Yes, I said it. I'd rather hang out with a Fundamentalist Mormon Scientologist with a PHD in The People of the Book before I hang out with someone who "loves to do" Sudoku. At least the religious people live interesting lives! When I ask "So what did you do today?", I don't want to hear, "I put a bunch of numbers in a grid by using a few starter numbers that would predetermine how I could figure out the only way the numbers could be placed so that no two appeared in the same district or same row. And even though the grid was started for me in a logical way, I still had to guess a lot and erased right through the page in a number of places which really made my spine creep out! You know how that is?" Then I wouldn't answer because I'd have already choked on my own fist.

If you're really into Sudoku, might I encourage you to try heroin? It's probably more stimulating and better for you. Don't be fooled into thinking Sudoku takes brains to do and is a thoughtful exercise! You're just being led about on a leash by the computer that mathematically created the Sudoku grid you're currently playing, placing just the right amount of numbers in the grid that will allow you to find the one or two or three places (depending on the difficulty) where you can get a foothold into the grid logically which will lead you to the next logical point and the next and the next. It's like doing a maze with invisible walls. You don't think you're being led down a certain path but you are. Sure, if you like easier Sudokus, you actually have more paths. But if you play the hardest difficulties, you generally have one path for a large portion of the game before it opens up into a field of possibilities. But by then, you're basically done and just need to thoughtlessly plug in numbers. Afterward, you feel a grand sense of self-satisfaction and contentment. The same feeling a dog has once he's returned home from a long walk and let off the leash.

The best thing--the absolute best thing--you can say about Sudoku is that it's a form of meditation which allows the player to shut out the chaos of the world around them, turning off their brain and placing themselves in a childlike reverie. Maybe that's why I hate Sudoku so much. I'm already constantly in that state of mind!

Forever Evil: The Sudoku

Don't bitch at me because I just drew one district of the grid! Don't use that as a way to say I don't understand the stupid waste of time! I just don't have time to waste drawing all nine grids! Sudoku jerks!

Now don't go getting your Sudoku loving feelings all butthurt! So what if I don't like the game and I irrationally judge anybody that plays it? I don't like most things and irrationally judge anybody that engages in most of those things! Even the things I like, I often wind up ranting against and hurting my own feelings! So welcome to the club, Sudokuns. Sudumbkins, more like!

Stargirl eventually out-Sudokus Despero and finds herself inside Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix where the dick-in-ass play has long since ceased. This is causing the Slash Fiction Matrix to meltdown and something needs to happen fast.

Well, the answer is you are going to have to do something and that something is something one of you isn't going to want to do, it's just that I can't remember which half of Firestorm was gay: Ronnie or Jason?

Stargirl convinces Ronnie and Jason to fuck in some clever way that would appeal to the greatest number of Slash Fiction Fans. I don't know what that would be because I don't even know how guys and girls participate in coitus so I'd really just be guessing at how guys and guys do it! Do they slap each other on the butts and say, "Did you see the game?" No wait. If that's gay sex then I've seen tons of it, right in public spaces! Maybe they pee in the same toilet bowl until each one gets an erection and is unable to pee. Then they touch wieners until their toes curl. I bet the butt is involved somehow too though!

Anyway, Stargirl keeps Firestorm from exploding and calls all the other heroes to join her because she's going to free them. But she doesn't know that Steve Trevor is actually going to free them later, so she imagines Batman and Catwoman are also still trapped with her. That's how everybody reading knows this is still all bullshit.

Stargirl begins to realize it as well so she decides to finish remembering the memory she kept forgetting to remember that she had forgotten she'd forgot long ago.

"But first, you need sponsors! Your brother's funeral--which, by the way, totally not your fault *wink*--is going to be expensive!"

Stargirl wakes up in the same place this entire thing began right before she thought she escaped. She's just been in a prison tailor-made for her by Despero just like all the other heroes. But she and Manhunter are now free and they need to find Wonder Woman to help them escape. But Despero planted some kind of subconscious thought in Manhunter so that might crop up and become a problem later. At least next issue, we should have the normal Justice League of America back.

Justice League of America #13 Rating: No change. This has been the best issue in a long time. But it still needs to get back to being its own book. Although how long will that last, really? Can the Justice League stay out of huge company-wide crossovers? Probably not.

Suicide Squad #28

Who would win in a fight? OMAC's testicles or The Hulk's testicles?

So Forever Evil has been going on for about six years now but I think it's almost over! Rogue's Rebellion #5 is currently in my stack and it says "5 of 6" which means that series is almost over! And I'm making the assumption that Forever Evil must be ending sometime soon after that. Maybe a month or two after? I have a feeling that the current incarnation of the Suicide Squad is going to be obliterated by the events of this Forever Evil crossover. Why else is it the only regular non-Justice League book to have been sucked into the Vortex of Crossing Over? Even Nightwing's comic got out of telling crossover stories and he's nearly dead from Forever Evil!

Let's see who won the fight that began last issue, shall we? It was between OMAC and King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark. One other thing that is probably going to be important later is that Waller had just found Kevin Kho's virtual personality on The Thinker's laptop.

That's why I'm not successful! I don't keep a Field Journal! I'm always telling the Non-Certified Spouse that I need a scribe because I never remember any of the super hilarious things I say on a daily basis.

I bet Amanda Waller got the Journal idea from Slade Wilson! Amanda says it's a "mental journal" because Deathstork's Slade Wilson's War Journal always sounded really stupid because he wrote it in the present tense as if he were writing it as he was confronting Lobo. "So here I am standing here face to face with the most dangerous person in the...sorry, I just had to tell him to hang on a moment while I jotted this down for future reference. Who the fuck punches a guy as he's writing in his diary War Journal?" But I think she calls it her "mental journal" because it's totally crazy! Fun Fact: The Mad Hatter was originally called The Mental Hatter. Another Fun Fact: Whenever somebody begins a sentence with "fun fact," you can be assured it will neither be "fun" nor a "fact."

I suppose I'm obligated to begin Amanda Waller's Mental Journal now. Dammit.

Amanda Waller continues to drone on and on and on! She's far more verbose than Slade Wilson ever was! That first page of her Mental Journal was just two of twelve Narration Boxes full of her journal notes. And it was the two smallest boxes! No way am I going reproduce her entire Journal! If this were a paid gig, sure. No problem there! Maybe even if there were just some additional perks like free Oreos or hand jobs. Oh! Maybe if I work Oreos into every page of Amanda Waller's Mental Journal, they'll send me loads and loads of Oreos for the free advertising. I don't know who I'd have to appeal to to get the hand jobs though.

The gist of her mental journal is that, hopefully, King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark can distract OMAC long enough for Amanda Waller to shut the creature down. She was going to send it into some random dimensional portal that her team accidentally opened up a few years back but then she met Kevin. And Kevin thinks he can take back control of OMAC and save everybody's life.

I remember Kevin. And, for what it's worth, I am not optimistic in his abilities.

Luckily help is on the way!

Possibly. Who actually knows with this team?

The team parachutes into Belle Reve to help save the day. I think. Maybe they just came back to beat the shit out of Harley for dropping the Rocky Mountains on them. I'm sure they all have their own individual reasons for attending this gig. Steel's my hero of Page Six because he accidentally electrocutes James Gordon Jr. I'm glad I won't have to listen to that asshole for a few pages! Harley explains to the others that bringing OMAC back might have been a bit of a faux pas on her part and that maybe she acted a bit rashly. Especially because now he's teaching King Shark how to ballroom dance.

This won't end well.

The finale of the dance is a fantastic bit that puts one in the mind of humid summers on the New England shores watching a dog's carcass on the nearby highway get hit again and again and again by every passing motorist, until the dog becomes an unrecognizable red smear that stretches a dozen feet down the asphalt. It's grand! And terrifying! And also makes quite a mess since it involves Kama, King Shark's dad, being torn in two.

Next OMAC pulls out half an android from King Shark's belly which reminds me: what the fuck ever happened to Yo-Yo? He went from my most hated character ever created to my most favoritest new member of the Suicide Squad when it turned out he'd lived inside King Shark for many months. Being that his super powers were kind of Plastic Man-like, I can't buy that he actually died when Deadshot blew his head off. I'm sure he'll pull himself together at some point. Please?

Also whatever happened to Light Lime? She was still alive, right? I miss her!

OMAC manages to put the entire Squad down just as Captain Boomerang finally parachutes in. OMAC doesn't bother with Boomer and wanders off to find Amanda as Harley tells Deadshot the new plan: find some bullets to shoot themselves with. Hmm. That sounds like it solves all of their problems but what about the rest of the world?!

Oh. Okay. This had better work!

Deadshot puts one bullet in Harley, one in Amanda, and one in himself. And then everything goes black.

Suicide Squad #28 Rating: No change. How many times is Deadshot going to shoot himself in this comic? I didn't think the suicide part of the title was supposed to be taken so literally. Oh well. This comic book needs more Boomer.

Kittens Getting Fucked Nasty #12

If DC isn't going to take this comic seriously, why neither am I!

The Justice League of America has now spent half of its issues with most of them lost somewhere and Stargirl running about in some kind of fake environment with Martian Manhunter. So this is where I'd usually continue with the what happened last issue segment but I don't care what happened last issue. I don't care what happened two issues ago. I don't care what has happened at any point of time during this comic book's run. I think. It's hard to remember when you obliterate every day with a steady dose of PCP.

Let's just pretend this comic book is a one shot and move on with our lives.

The issue begins with Stargirl remembering a memory she can't forget but one she's been refusing to completely remember for quite a number of issues now. I mean, if this story hadn't just started in this single issue one shot! Apparently some shit went down that was so shitty that she thinks she's too young to not want to remember it. You know, just like all those kids drafted to fight in Vietnam. But at least Stargirl had a choice to put on the uniform and fight. She had a choice which fight to fight as well! And now she's choosing to fight some more because she's tired of Amanda Waller just using her for press conferences. I'm pretty sure I inferred that from the story so far.

She's been making fun of an awful lot of people so far. In previous Star Girl appearances (probably also One Shots!), she's cracked wise about Clayface's appearance and Martian Manhunter's too! What a sassy little missy!

Stargirl escapes drowning because she remembers the memory she's trying been trying to forget that she wants to not forget to remember. It has something to do with finding something at her old house after meeting her first super villain.

Meow? Me-OW! Mrrrrrow? Pffft! Pffft! Me...ow? Puuuuurrrrrrr. Puuurrrrrrr! Me-me-me-MEOW!

Stop it! Knock it off! Get out of here, you stupid kittens! Nobody is fucking kittens in this commentary! That title was a joke! It was just showing how little I care about...you know what? No. I'm not explaining it to a bunch of imaginary, horny kittens! I have to mention how Despero flew off because he was satisfied that he had killed J'onn and Stargirl but then he came right back to stomp on J'onn again!

Martian Manhunter finally begins to realize that he and Stargirl are being manipulated by Despero. They probably escaped Firestorm and then had to be contained in some other illusory world, so Despero was brought in as a contractor for the Crime Syndicate. Or maybe The Crime Syndicate needs some information that Stargirl and Martian Manhunter have, so they were kept separate from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix? But just knowing that he's being manipulated like a kitten, it doesn't help him beat Despero. I think he needs for Stargirl to forget about not remembering the thing she forgot so that she remembers to forget to not remember it.

How do you break the bone of a guy that can take the shape of anything? Like possibly the shape of a guy with no broken bones maybe?

Stargirl arrives to find J'onn smashed on the ground, dying. But he's dying slowly enough to tell Stargirl a fable about a Martian hero that sacrificed his life for no reason to save the lives of other Martians. Because he was pinned to a rock by an evil beast but the beast was pinned too. So he left it to die with him stuck to the rock. Although, being a Martian, I'm pretty sure he could have shapeshifted away from the tusks that had impaled him to the rock. Maybe they impaled his shapeshifting gland! There are too many holes in that story to be true! I think it's like the story of Jesus. It's just meant to make people buy into an institution that keeps the power and wealth in a few limited, manipulative hands.

J'onn sends Stargirl away so that he can die without her weeping and wailing over him. She heads to Los Angeles to find Firestorm as J'onn was hoping because he's probably beginning to realize that they're both inside some kind of simulation. Or something. It's either a simulation or it's a terrible story. Just like J'onn's stupid Martian parable about the warrior kid and the great evil beast.

Stargirl finally remembers the end of her memory and that's that her little brother was killed or kidnapped by the dark super villain that was her first nemesis. Maybe it was her little brother? Or maybe it was Sylvester Pemberton? It's hard to say since her memory isn't very clearly explicated. It's just kind of a mom saying "Your little brother" and her step-dad saying "It isn't your fault" and Courtney saying "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" But that makes as much sense as Courtney failing to stop Firestorm going nuclear while she distracts Despero for some reason leading to Evil being defeated. Perhaps it's because Stargirl believed she could save the day which caused Despero to believe she could save the day which distracted Despero's mind away from Martian Manhunter who is only pretending to die so that Despero will think he's dead and not stop Martian Manhunter from stopping Firestorm from exploding.

Unless it winds up being something else. I'm a Master Comic Book Reader of the North Wind and I'm confused!

Justice League of America #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I don't really know what's going on here. I suppose I could be reading it as literally as it is presenting itself and believe Stargirl and J'onn actually did escape the Firestorm prison. Or maybe only Stargirl escaped and J'onn has merely been telepathically linked to her. Perhaps Despero was needed to keep Martian Manhunter trapped inside Firestorm. But now that Stargirl has distracted Despero, he will be able to free himself and the others from Firestorm. So Stargirl's journey is real but Martain Manhunter has been in her head the entire time. That's the most sense I can make of this comic book and that actually doesn't sound quite so bad as I've been making it out to be. But I'm still going to give it a -2 Ranking because this comic has probably been the weakest of all the Forever Evil tie-ins so far. It just feels like it's biding its time until the overall Narrative gets to a point where the JLA are needed to participate.

Suicide Squad #27

At first glance, I thought Deadshot's brains were leaking out.

Here is a review of my blog: "i have no idea what's happening here"

One of the reasons I'm such a horrible writer is that I assume that people already know everything and that I don't have to explain myself. It's why I can't write critical essays about anything because I watch a movie like Boxing Helena, and I figure, "What is there to write about? It's obviously a feminist movie about the male gaze and how love and objectification are inherently intertwined to such a degree that even most people don't know when they actually love a person or they love the idea of the person that they've put upon a pedestal. At least they're unsure up until somebody hacks off their true love's arms and legs and makes them realize that they can live without that person." Or something like that. I don't know. I only saw the movie the one time many years ago. I don't even know why I brought it up just now! Fuck. This is why I'm a horrible writer!

Most people probably wouldn't even consider me a writer since they probably have only read this blog which could easily be misconstrued as "criticism." I suppose that's a valid argument although you're getting into a weird semantic place if you've decided that "critics" aren't actually "writers." I'd say you'd have to look at each case individually. Roger Ebert was a great writer and critic. Critics that think up a few puns on the title of a movie they were paid to see are not writers. They are whores (minus the sexual connotation of that meaning plus the connotation of doing anything for money multiplied by bad facial hair).

At least I'm not the "writer" that reblogged a gif set of Beyonce singing "Surfboard. Surfboard. Grainin' on that wood. Grainin', grainin' on that wood" and then captioned it with "She is literally singing about riding dick." No. NO! She is metaphorically singing about riding dick! Unless Jay-Z's penis is named "Surfboard" this is a metaphor. If she were literally singing about "riding dick," the lyrics would be, "Penis! Penis! Ridin' on that dick. Ridin', ridin' on that dick." See the difference?

So now that we've gotten past how much I suck, let's turn our attention to something that doesn't suck: your mom! Shit, there goes my bad writing again! Well, I couldn't honestly type "Suicide Squad" after saying "something that doesn't suck," could I? It's not like this comic book has been very consistent in its characters and story telling. I hear it's been cancelled which is good because it needs to go back to the drawing board. DC, leave this one in the closet until you've come up with a decent game plan for it.

When we last saw the Suicide Squad, the Rocky Mountains had fallen on top of them.

Too late! Deadshot already lit a lighter at the end of last issue! So thank him for proving there were no gas leaks.

Oh! That panel reminded me how when people begin any comment by saying, "Guys!", you know you're about to hear the most obvious bullshit ever. It usually happens when people are leaving joking comments and having fun and being facetious and then some person that thinks they're going to edumacate all the lazy, joking slackers about a thing or two pipes up to tell everyone something that they probably already fucking knew. Generally it's apparent that everybody knew what the "Guys!" Guy was going to say because the jokes wouldn't work if people didn't know what the jokes were playing off of. "But Guys! Listen! In all seriousness, this is the most important thing that was ever written because of reasons!" Fuck off, you namby-pamby titmouse!

Although maybe my annoyance of the "Guys!" people is an off-shoot of my thinking that everybody already knows everything which makes me a horrible writer?!

Power Girl showing off her Grandmaster Boob/Butt Showcase Skills. Also, take a look at the Boob Window, R.B. Silva. That's where it should be placed.

Once this group manage to get out from under the rock Power Girl is holding up, they split up to find an exit from the rubble. Deadshot and Jerko head down deeper, Captain Boomerang and Steel head up, and the Unknown Soldier and the most useful person in this situation stay put to relay messages between groups. How about a better plan? Power Girl makes a hole for them all to climb through. Laser eyes. Super strength. Ability to eat anything and not have to poo. Whatever power she chooses. She can save them all and The Unknown Soldier volunteers for her to do nothing. He must have some ulterior motive. Or else giving him super duper powers has weakened his ability to think tactically.

The next bunch of pages are spent giving readers the origins of this rag-tag group of rag-tags. I'm not sure why I need to know where Power Girl came from in the pages of Suicide Squad. It's been covered elsewhere and I don't think it needed two pages to explain that she's a hero and not one of the criminals that usually wind up in the Suicide Squad. The Unknown Soldier also gets a bit of a reminder of who he is. It's not really enough to explain anything except to those that don't already know it. And hopefully not many people know his secret origin since it was first told in Men of War and that comic book series was awful in its execution. Mediocre stories told poorly. That should be the blurb on the back cover of the Men of War Trade Paperback! "Mediocre stories told poorly--Tessatechaitea!"

The Unknown Soldier mentions his families death in "a random act of terror." I fucking hate that term. It's not a random act of terror! It's a random act of violence! The Unknown Soldier actually corrects himself later and changes it to just that phrase. A general sense of terror and unease is what is supposed to be created by these random acts of violence. But people do not die in terror bombings. They die in bombings. Stop fucking labeling everything with terror. The goal of the terrorist is to create terror. And apparently the goal of the media and government officials is exactly the same fucking thing.

Steel also gets a bit of a refresher on his origin but his is informative. He really hasn't been seen much (or at all?) since his appearance in Action Comics, so his bit explains what happened to him since then.

So let me get this straight. Waller uses vile people to do things she believes are for the greater good and Steel thinks this is wrong. So he wants to use Waller, a person vile to him, to do things he believes are for the greater good. Narcissist!

Captain Boomerang gets a bit and that's all new because he's made a few minor appearances but not yet had a secret origin. In the Preboot Universe, his secret origin was that he was a guy that learned how to throw boomerangs. But now in the Reboot Universe, he has magic boomerangs! So how'd he get those? According to his two page origin, not even he knows. Or he's at least pretending not to know. His normal boomerang throwing origin seems to be that of a young psychopath going through all the normal motions. Killing small animals. Probably setting fires. Most likely wetting the bed. And then escalating to killing tourists. His mother was one of Australia's indigenous people and seems to have found Captain Boomerang abandoned in the Outback. He also might just be called "Boomerang" instead of "Captain Boomerang" but that's confusing because doesn't Marvel have a guy just named Boomerang?

Warrant also gets a file. His amounts to "I was a Teenage Douchebag." Probably. I don't know. Why bother reading it? He's a jerk. Who calls themselves Warrant? After that mess in the eighties and/or very early nineties, that name should be as dead as Hitler and Judas. The most important part about Warrant is that he's Israeli. No wait. I fucked that up. The most important part about Warrant is that he's after Deadshot. And he doesn't know the meaning of Wanted: Dead or Alive. Mostly because of that "alive" part.

Deadshot's file is all about Deadshot remembering every bullet he's ever shot out of every gun ever. He also must be fairly delusional since he talks about putting every bullet he shoots where he meant to shoot it and planning every kill in precise detail. But he seems to be forgetting all the off-the-cuff shooting and killing he does while on Squad missions gone bad.

Anyway, everybody seems to have somebody else in their sights. Power Girl and Steel want to kill Waller. The Unknown Soldier and Boomerang want to kill Harley. Warrant wants to kill Deadshot. And Deadshot thinks about killing Harley but we all know who he's really going to kill, don't we?

I guess Warrant was too "badass" to kill even though his name was so stupid. He'll be back for an EPIC SHOWDOWN against Deadshot in an issue with a cover that screams, "WARRANT UNLEASHED!"

Everybody escapes the rubble (except Warrant. Ha ha!) and the team radios back to Waller to be picked up. Or maybe they'll use Boomerang's plane or whatever it is they used to get here. And back at Belle Reve as a Thinker-Controlled OMAC battles King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark, Amanda Waller begins a conversation with Kevin Kho on Thinker's personal computer. Kevin, OMAC's original host, is trapped within OMAC and is now probably Amanda's secret weapon.

Suicide Squad #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Fine. I enjoyed this issue even though Warrant is a stupid name. Also, I actually like Warrant's back story. But I hate his name so I will never like him ever. It was also nice to not have to read any of James Gordon, Jr's dialogue. I think Captain Boomerang needs his own comic book now. I have nothing more to say. Do real writers end their works better? Maybe I'm not a real writer! Maybe I'm just a poet and this is how poet's end things. This is how poet's end things.

Justice League of America #11

Oh no. It is Clayface. Look out Martian Manhunter. You are about to be mildly inconvenienced.

The issue begins with a recap of recent events by Martian Manhunter but since I don't like any of the recent events in Justice League of America, I won't be discussing them. Instead, how about a fight between Martian Manhunter and Clayface? That should last two panels.

Except J'onn can't seem to utilize any of his 15,000 different powers, so he's choked into unconsciousness where he has a vision. You know what? That doesn't really end on a strong joke, does it? More of a half-assed observation. Perhaps I should make it funny by adding a stupid word: BAZINGA! Ha ha! Oh yeah. Tears in the eyes now.

Martians do not need nipples because they feed their babies Oreo cookies.

Stargirl comes back from wasting time trying to save her stupid family to save J'onn J'onzz because she realized that he and the Justice League of America are her real family. Mostly because her step father's former career as an adult sidekick to a child super-hero embarrasses the hell out of her. Way to pick a real winner, mom! That was probably what Stargirl was thinking and not something which I've ever thought ever in my lifetime at all. Especially when my mom was dating that guy that kind of looked like Doug Henning and could do card tricks and had an orange van with an airbrushed scene of a glorious sunset on it. I wonder if I'd think that guy was as cool now as I did when I was six?

That's not cool, Stargirl. He can't help the way he looks. Oh wait. He's practically the only person in the world that can! Never mind.

Isn't anybody else curious about Clayface's biology? Let's pretend that his magic shapeshifter Native American clay keeps him alive somehow. Fine. Dandy. But how does he see? How does he compute thoughts? Digest? Speak for fucking mother's sake! I suppose, even though I really don't want to suppose this, that if I'm already pretending that magic is doing one thing, I might as well account for magic doing it all! I'm just trying to be extra cautious because I don't want my ability to suspend disbelief splitting into my daily life! Because the next thing you know, I'll be believing in God.

That is so uncalled for. He is not a monster! He's a human being! I think Skylar Merrick said that first. You know, before suffocating himself because he got tired of good looking assholes asking, "What are? 'Elephant Man'?!"

With that final insult, Stargirl breaks Clayface, turning him into a crying lump of tear-soaked clay. Martian Manhunter watches and thinks (no, he doesn't actually "think." He Narration Boxes but whatever. Stupid modern comic book conventions that don't really fucking know how to appropriately make a character think anymore and instead allow them to act as an omniscient narrator) about how this is the first time he's seen Stargirl take control and earn her place in the squad. Of course it's the first time you've seen it! Usually Amanda Waller just forces her to stay in her room when the team goes on missions! Plus, you're a fucking telepath so you probably should have known she had this in her.

As Stargirl helps up J'onn, she continues with her insults!

Why you gotta fucking pick on his appearance now?!

Now that Stargirl has saved (and insulted) J'onn, she offers to fly him wherever he needs to go to begin looking for Firestorm but she's going to Los Angeles to find her family. Also, she tempts J'onn with pigging out on cookies! Maybe she'll be his gateway into the orgiastic land of the Oreos! Also, Despero begins to follow them. Man-Bat too but he sucks and hopefully he just got a stupid cameo and stays out of the plot.

As they fly to Denver, J'onn insults Stargirl's entire generation, so maybe he deserves to be called weird looking. But he does keep it to himself, so at least he has a little bit of tact even if he's looking down his nose at the youngsters all around him as lazy, selfish bastards.

In Denver, Stargirl battles a monster robot while she remembers the sadness at the pit of her perkiness. But she's also noticing something weird about their exploits in Denver. And Despero is there and muttering about how they're breaking away from the template. Why am I even bothering with this comic book?! Everything in it since Forever Evil has just been a mindfuck! The JLA is basically on hiatus until they're ready for their part in the story. So now are Stargirl and J'onn really traveling west? Are they trapped somewhere in the thrall of Despero and only believe they're traveling? Who can tell? I certainly can't!

I'm just going to sit back and finish this comic book now so that I can stop speculating on nonsense that probably isn't even really happening! Maybe I'll eat a cookie too.

Oh well, there were only a couple of pages left. The issue ends with Despero kicking Martian Manhunter out of the sky and declaring him dead before drowning Stargirl and fleeing the scene. Stargirl is still conscious when Despero leaves and J'onn is by no means dead just because Despero put his feet in his back. So Despero is either way too confident in his powers or he's just distracting them so they don't realize that they're still in The Matrix.

Justice League of America #11 Rating: No change. Fuck you, DC. I suppose I should be grateful that you aren't charging $3.99 for every single one of your comics. But I'm not happy that your $2.99 comic books are only 20 pages and I'm certainly not excited that your shiny covered $3.99 comic books now only have 22 pages. Look, I don't want to say this next thing but you've really driven me to shouting junior high school witticisms here: Suck my fucking cock you cock monkeys! Okay. I feel better now. Can Justice League of America actually come out and play soon?

Suicide Squad #26

King Shark Versus Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark!

It took me awhile to remember to do it while I was sitting at the computer but I finally translated Futurama's Bender's Apartment Number from Binary to ASCII. I kept thinking, "What could it possibly fucking be? It's 00100100, so it'll just be one character. So what the fuck could it possibly be to make it interesting?" And let me tell you, it's perfect. Bender and Fry live in Apartment "$".

Back to Suicide Squad, James Gordon, Jr, had just found out that the "X" in Task Force X was a letter in a sequence beginning with "A" which meant more than twenty different versions of Waller's Task Force were attempted before somebody threw up their hands and said, "Just fucking use super-villains on death row." But even Task Force X didn't seem to be working out as well as Amanda would have liked so Task Force Y had been created. But Task Force Y wants to kill Amanda even more than Task Force X does, so it's been locked in Level Lowest Level until now. Amanda needs it to save her ass since The Thinker is ready to destroy her ass. And also hand OMAC over to The Crime Syndicate.

And while The Thinker thinks he's come up with a great plan to get OMAC by working with Harley Quinn, he's just not as smart as he thinks he is. He proclaimed last issue that she's one of the few personalities that he can't predict (which, I believe, was part of the thrill he was getting from working with her). So she's obviously just pretending to work with him because Waller would have told Harley, "Look. This guy is smart but I'm smarter without having to have a brain that eats away at my internal organs. He wants to believe he's smart enough to control a random element like you. So we'll use that against him and you'll pretend to work for him while really working for me." And Harley said, "Fuck you. Why should I? Get out of here." And Waller said, "I'll get you your own comic book title." And Harley said, "I'm in."

But before The Thinker's plan can backfire in his face, Waller needs to deal with King Shark and keep him from eating her. So she's released Task Force Y. Why? Because he'll eat you.

Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark it is!

Kamo just wants to kill and eat and destroy so when he declares to King Shark, "If you are my son...then you must die!", it's a little bit on the redundant side. My hope is that Kamo swallows King Shark whole and then King Shark explodes out of Kamo's stomach and then King Shark swallows mortally wounded Kamo whole and then mortally wounded Kamo explodes out of King Shark's stomach and then they'll be lying on the floor dying and Kamo will reach out and take King Shark's hand and King Shark will turn his big shark face to his father and a single tear will drop from his eye and Kamo will grumble, "Pussy." Or "I love you!" I suppose it depends on how each ending tests with a test audience! Fuck artistic integrity! Let the people decide!

Meanwhile James has gone off to deal with The Thinker when he's almost killed by OMAC being shoved out of a plane by Harley. Harley appears a moment later because it's not worth thinking about how characters get from one place in time (aboard a plane) to another place in time (James Gordon's back) when all of that action is taken care of off-panel. She probably rode OMAC down or had a jet pack which she discarded or teleported or arrived earlier by bus and was just hiding in the shadows. It's just a comic book! You're not supposed to care about all the behind the scenes stuff!

While King Shark is dealing with Daddy Issues, it looks like James has developed a nice, healthy set of Mommy Issues which Harley is bringing back by pressing her vagina and breasts right up against his back.

That last panel explains why he's a psychopath.

Meanwhile, Amanda reminisces about the day she and her team captured Kamo with a few agents and some pistols even though he's way too powerful to control. The story is a little light on details. But she does mention that she brought back a baby shark that was supposedly one of his children and raised it as her own. That baby shark was King Shark. And if Amanda wouldn't have blown up the island and, I suppose, the pool with his siblings, he'd have a nice big family by now. I'm sure at least one of them has survived and will come visit later. Native King Shark visiting Big City King Shark! Oh what a series of comic mix-ups they'll enjoy!

Amanda is hoping to manipulate Kamo into defeating OMAC by telling him some ancient curse can only be broken by the death of OMAC. After that, he'll be free to head back to his island and eat all the virgins he can stomach.

Above ground, James and Harley become best friends and decide to stop The Thinker together. How do you become friends with Harley, you ask? Well, you just stab her in the back and then put an exploding collar around her neck. Apparently she finds this behavior appealing. I'm kind of sick of her finding that kind of behavior appealing. Are we supposed to think that because she loves The Joker, she likes anybody that treats her like shit? Maybe when she responds with "I...I...I think I love you," it's just because she's got that Keith Partridge song stuck in her head. Anyway, the crux of it all is that OMAC escaped while they were figuring out their relationship.

James and Harley meet up with the new team consisting of Kamo and King Shark. Amanda lets them know that if The Thinker gets his hands on OMAC, they're all going to die. And then OMAC appears with The Thinker's mind downloaded into it. So, I guess they're all dead.

Meanwhile under a mountain in Colorado, Deadshot isn't dead. But he is busy burning up what little oxygen he has left by lighting a lighter! Ha ha! Dumb dumb. I'm sure everybody else survived as well (except maybe Warrant because who the fuck cares about that guy? Judging by his name, he was created to die!). Be with us next time for "Better Off Deadshot," or "One Crazy Bummer."

Suicide Squad #26 Rating: No change. King Shark is the child of a Hawaiian God! Does that gel with all of the past hints we've gotten about his history? I think it does! Did I use "gel" correctly? Should it be "jell"? A cursory consult with Lord Google only makes me realize that this might be another one of those American versus British uses meaning they're both right but you should probably stick with jell if you're American and gel if you're British. Well, fuck that! I live in that grey area that's gray, remember? So I'll do what I like and show my backside to all the editors out there! Anyway, Suicide Squad was okay. Except for the way Harley acted. And except for Deadshot not being in it. And except for, in my opinion, too many revelations about King Shark's history. Matt Kindt has really filled it full of words lately, hasn't he?!

Justice League of America #10

I'm not the only one that looked at this cover and wondered what the fuck Stargirl was pulling out of her ass, am I?

Last issue, Martian Manhunter battled Martian Manhunter in his Deathstorm Prison Cell. But Stargirl escaped or something. It's basically the Justice League of America treading water until they can get back into the Forever Evil storyline.

This issue begins with Stargirl trapped in the memory of her origin as she reads a book by the psychotic best-selling author, David Graves. But Martian Manhunter is also stuck in her head, so he's there to try to get her ass in gear and/or make her go insane.

You know, Courtney, your step-dad might explain it all to you but he's probably a bit embarrassed about the whole being an adult sidekick to a kid thing.

That's about the extent of Stargirl's memory before Blockbuster punches her in the face and she wakes up in the middle of a battle with him as well as Deathstroke, Copperhead, Shadow Thief, and Giganta. Her powers have merged with Martian Manhunter's powers which allows her to take a punch full in the face from Blockbuster and then another from Giganta. But Martian Manhunter warns her, in a faux British accent, "My powers are faaaaaading! You must stop remembering your stupid past and saaaaaave the daaaaaaay!"

Stargirl doesn't really listen because her head is killing her and why doesn't Martian Manhunter just shut the fuck up already! Although, I suppose her head could be hurting from the mega-fisting it took from Giganta.

Yeah, that's not going to help.

Stargirl takes a quick break to remember learning that the original wielder of her Star Staff was named Sylvester Pemberton. But she's too young to remember All Star Squadron and Infinity Inc. and whatever fucking books that rich motherfucker was a part of. And then she's got her act together and she's ready to defeat the Secret Society of Super-Villains all by herself.

The one member she doesn't defeat is Deathstroke because we're already pushing credulity that she defeated the rest of them by herself with Martian Manhunter's powers while he yells inside of her head. And since Deathstroke can't fly (except that one time in an issue of Batman: The Dark Knight where he lands on the Batplane all Venomed out for some reason and then disappears just as quickly), Stargirl takes off into the sky like some kind of Skyman or Star-Spangled Kid.

Stargirl lands in Metropolis to separate from Martian Manhunter with some drama about how she's tired of following orders and how nobody knows any better than she does what the right thing to do is and how she's going to go back to L.A. to make sure her family is safe. Martian Manhunter, now seperated, begins to search for the prison that holds the rest of the Justice League members. They're either in Firestorm's Slash Fanfiction Space or Deathstorm's Snuff Fanfiction Space.

Oh good! They're in the Slash Fanfiction Prison!

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN TRINITY WAR AND FOREVER EVIL?
By Grunion Gun!

At first, Superman couldn't believe what he was seeing: a large, well-muscled man in blue and red spandex that was just a little too tight in the crotch with a large letter on his chest! But something wasn't quite right! The woman next to him looked incredibly like Lois Lane, especially in the boob and the butt area! Which he could see both of perfectly because she was a master of the Boob/Butt Showcase! Next to them was a character that looked an awful like lot Green Lantern but his right arm had a serious four hour erection! The Flash but with a penis shaped head squatted nearby sneering and masturbating so quickly that the air was soon filled with a thick mist of jizz!

"What is this?" quipped Clark Kent just as everything began to spin and shake and dissolve into some other place! He thought he could hear two voices screaming softly, "No! No! Fury can't handle this many psyches! We'll become...FURIOUS FUCKING!" And then there was a bright flash of light!

Superman felt a large hand running up his inner thigh as his vision began to clear! "Bruce?" he asked with a slight smile on his lips and a bulge that could only come from a Kryptonian's underwear!

"Who's Bruce?" came the small, child-like voice! Superman opened his eyes to see Shazam slowly cupping his crotch! "What's the quickest way to get this...," Captain Marvel tugged at Superman's erection, "Out of these tights and into here?" Captain Marvel pointed at his naked asshole!

Suddenly there was a blur of red and yellow behind Shazam and Shazam's face twisted into an orgiastic grimace as The Flash fucked him in 0.000008 seconds flat! Superman gaped in confusion or ecstasy or however a person gapes and quickly ripped his suit apart, freeing his Krypton which was ready to explode once again! He grabbed Billy Batson by the back of the head and rammed his mouth down over his cock! As Superman came, everybody in the space felt the shockwaves as Aquaman telepathically linked their mines for the precious moment! Nearby, Simon Baz was creating magnificently sculptured buttplugs with his ring and....

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on, Grunion Gun! Stop the fucking presses!

Did you just make Billy Batson suck Superman's cock? Is that illegal? Can you even type that?! I mean, it's obvious he's in his grown man persona, right, but does that make it okay? It does, doesn't it? Maybe I should stop this story now before it gets too sexy. I mean, illegal.

Justice League of America #10 Rating: No change. I can tell I'm not really that into a story arc when I can't think of much to say about it. Also when it devolves into Slash Fiction. That's probably a bad sign as well.

Suicide Squad #25

I wish OMAC would get a sexy outfit.

Last issue, The Thinker was building a new Brother Eye in Belle Reve so that he could control OMAC. He posed as Amanda Waller to get The Unknown Soldier, Steel, Power Girl, and some new idiot named Warrant to retrieve OMAC. At the same time, Amanda Waller sent Deadshot, Harley Quinn, and Captain Boomerang to get OMAC for her. Why all the fighting over OMAC? OMAC is a piece of shit that should just be forgotten about already. Although I did like Kevin Kho, so I won't mind if OMAC joins the Suicide Squad and runs around as Kevin most of the time.

Is anybody else's mind preoccupied with all the fucking tasty, fucked up, American shit they're going to be gorging on tomorrow?! The only good reason to have older family members living in the same city as you is the home cooked Thanksgiving meals. If they don't cook Thanksgiving meals, get the fuck out of my city. Stop trying to bond with me on non-holiday days. Leave me alone unless you've got a big bowl of stuffing and mashed potatoes, jerks. The only thing thicker than blood is gravy, so get to cooking!

The first page of Suicide Squad #25 is like a fucking novel.

Come on, Matt Kindt! There's a reason I'm reading comic books! And, here's a hint, it's not for all the fucking words. Why do you think Cerebus lost so many readers the longer it went on?! I wonder if I can get somebody to read this to me.

The first thing The Thinker thinks about is how he got his Super Villain Name: a cruel children's nickname. Duh! That's how they all get their names! Haven't you been reading every single one of my commentaries, The Thinker? Get on board, you fucknugget.

The Thinker is one of those super smart villains that doesn't just think "ten or twenty moves ahead," he thinks "years ahead!" Come on, Matt Kindt! I don't need you writing one of these Goddamned villains that can somehow account for every fucking possibility and be completely prepared. He claims he's been counting on being in Belle Reve for years at just this moment with his playing pieces arranged perfectly on the board. Because years ago, he realized The Crime Syndicate was going to invade Earth and cut the power and cause an eclipse and ask for OMAC to be handed to them? The Thinker, you are worse than Harvest! But you know the most unbelievable part of his plan? That he knew some idiot named Warrant was going to exist! That was probably just random luck which he probably factors into all of his equations.

One thing The Thinker didn't prepare for two to three years ago was his chess pieces talking to each other! Why should he prepare for that? How often does that ever happen? Super heroes usually meet up, punch each other in the kidneys for fifteen pages, and then realize they should probably not be doing that. But The Thinker's pieces only spend four pages battling before they have the conversation that will undo all of The Thinker's plans.

Whoops!

Why the hell am I writing new stuff every fucking commentary?! I need to develop more catch phrases like "WHOOPS!" and "Fuck Scott Lobdell!" and then just cut and paste them into every commentary I do! That's what the masses go for, right? Bazinga! D'oh! You 'avin' a laugh? Let's go out behind the barn and fuck. That last one was Laura Ingalls' catch phrase if I'm remembering it correctly. Maybe I'm remembering the Porn Parody, "Little Ho on the Prairie."

Deadshot quickly figures out who was recruited by the real Amanda Waller because the Waller that recruited the heroes was too open, honest, and professional. She didn't threaten anybody or stick bombs in them or act superior, so no way she was the real Amanda. If The Thinker is as smart as he says he is, then he planned for his pawns to figure it all out and he's ready for whatever move they make next. I know that's how Harvest would do it.

And there it is! The Thinker's real plan! I think he and Harvest would make a great couple.

Harvest standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
The Thinker standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
Harvest and The Thinker together: "Sixty nine, dude!"

Harley Quinn repeats the activation code to fire up OMAC. The code is binary and amounts to saying " “² " with six extra ones and zeroes which would end the sequence in a "t" or a "u" or a "v" or a "w". I really wish the binary would have translated into something awesome.

Harley blows up the mountain, collapsing it on the other team members and then flies away with OMAC as her prize.

Meanwhile, Amanda Waller is forced to visit Level Seven to release her final play against The Thinker.

I'm surprised the code isn't "51773 173". Or, you know, "5318008".

While Waller is entering Level Seven, King Shark shows up to eat her face. James Gordon, Jr, stops King Shark to let him know that Amanda is the only person that can find King Shark's dad (Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark!). And to really calm down King Shark, James Gordon, Jr, has prepared a meal of Hippogriff Chum.

The door Amanda Waller is looking for leads to Task Force Y and a creature that apparently wants Amanda's sweetmeats.

I don't know who this is. Not at all. Is it Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark?!

Suicide Squad #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Was making Task Force X "Task Force 10" too obvious? I suppose giving yourself room to invent twenty five other Task Forces is a lot more fun!