Cyborg #2

Now kiss!

The Commentary!
• Let me guess: Cyborg battles a robot in this issue and discovers a little bit more of his humanity! You know what I'm tired of, comic book writers? I'm tired of heroes battling twisted funhouse mirror versions of themselves so that they can learn a stupid lesson. Learning lessons is for nerds and jerks who aren't already perfect! Why can't Cyborg have adventures that have nothing to do with the fact that he's a Cyborg? Is it because these stories are actually about how African-Americans are treated by white society? I suppose I have to allow that because social commentary is greater than robots fighting. I don't actually believe that but other people probably do which is why I wrote it.

• So Cyborg is fighting a robot who hates humanity. It's like when Batman fights a criminal whose parents were killed at a young age so that he can feel righteous about his choices. Or when Superman fights a Kryptonian who chooses to abuse his power. Or when Batgirl battles a female villain because, um, Batgirl is female. Come up with a new idea, comic books!

• The current story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is called "Trial and Terror" because that's clever! I guess. It replaces the usual word in the statement with one that rhymes!

• Cyborg is battling Kilg%re, a robot that can do pretty much anything the writer needs him to do to keep the action going. And because a lot of readers won't be familiar with Kilg%re, he helpfully explains where he came from and what powers he has.

What does reciting Shakespeare have to do with anything? Any robot or child who loves attention can be programmed to do that! And why bash Internet trolls?! I think I'm offended!

• Kilg%re recites some Hamlet for Cyborg just before dropping Sarah Charles off of a building. I bet Cyborg recites some Hamlet back at Kilg%re later! It's probably thematic! Did Hamlet battle cyborgs in that play? Or was that in Othello?

• Kilg%re was sent by Cyborg's Machine Daddy to tell Cyborg that he's a machine and he should remain with machines and stop mixing with humans.

• Kilg%re should become a rapper and change his name to Kilg$re.

• Kilg%re leads Cyborg to church where they can discuss Cyborg's lack of a soul. When is Cyborg going to realize that a soul is just a metaphorical concept to describe the essence of human individuality. The brain is the closest thing to a soul that a person has. This is obvious when you consider transplants. If any bit of me were replaced by another person, I'd still be me. Until you replaced my brain. At that point, nobody would believe that it was still me. At that point, it's a full body transplant for the brain that was put into my skull. If I had a soul, it could just take over the brain and infuse the new brain with my personality, right? Unless the soul is kept inside the brain somewhere. Shut up, me! You want me to lose my own argument!?

• Held hostage by Kilg%re, Cyborg has to choose a side. Is he robot or man?! I mean, technically he's both. A cyborg! I thought Kilg%re was smart. Doesn't he have access to a dictionary? This whole choosing which part of you is the real part seems awfully racist, dude.

Oh shit. Kilg%re has Daddy Issues!

• Why is Kilg%re so upset about humans building machines? It's not like a Lawn Mower has to find its purpose. It's born with meaning! I suppose the trouble starts when a lawn mower gains sentience and would rather write poetry than mow grass. But that's a problem that should be left for when it gains sentience! Why worry about a lawn mower being enslaved when it's just a fucking machine? Stop projecting your own artificial intelligence onto other machines, Kilg%re! You're way more human than you realize.

• Kilg%re decides to compare a lawn mower to an African-American slave. I guess robots have a hard time noting when they're being huge dickholes. Next, Kilg%re will probably tell how he was once in London and didn't have the proper adapter for the outlet and he couldn't recharge. He'll probably refer to it as "his Vietnam."

• Cyborg refuses to join with the robots even after all of Kilg%re's impeccable logic about how using a coffee machine is equal to owning a slave. That's when Kilg%re decides it's time to bring Human Daddy into the discussion. With a bomb strapped to his chest.

• Cyborg saves his father and then, through plot devices, gets the upper hand against Kilg%re.

I like Cyborg even less now! Having a favorite Ernest Hemingway novel is like having a favorite time to eat your own shit.

• The big surprise twist is that Cyborg's father Silas isn't his father! It's an impostor! The real Silas is tied up and being forced to watch monitors showing Cyborg's life in real time. Poor guy!

• See? Cyborg should have been paying attention to Kilg%re's Shakespeare hint. Because this whole father switcheroo was exactly what happened in Hamlet.

The Ranking!
+0! It's Cyborg, you know? Someday, I'm sure somebody will make him interesting. But it certainly won't be any of these writers who believe to make him interesting, they need a hot take on his humanity. Just make him funny or sexy or super cool or arrogant or a douchebag. Show his humanity through human flaws! But don't make them Shakespearean! Cyborg doesn't need to love too well! Mostly because that would be racist, basing him on Othello.

Cyborg #1

We get it, Cyborg comic book! The main character is a CYBORG!

The Commentary!
One of the main reasons I don't believe in The Bible is that it never mentions cybernetic beings. You'd think if something will have existed, God would have known about it. And if God knew about cyborgs way back when he created the world, how could he not mention them to Abraham or Israel or every single person he spoke directly to in The Bible? If I were God and I were hanging out in the Garden of Eden talking to Adam, I would definitely have mentioned cyborgs. Like that part where Adam was choosing a help meet, right? As God, I would have been, "So, what about a cow? No? A horse? A duck? Oh! OH! You'll never turn this one down: a cyborg! Boom! Totally radical, right dude?" And it's not like a mention of cyborgs wouldn't have gotten a whole section of The Bible all for itself. The sections would have been marked "The Creation," "Adam and Eve," "Adam Learns About Cyborgs", "The Fall of Man." I suppose Adam really wouldn't have learned much about cyborgs. He'd probably have only asked God the same question about cyborgs that he had been asking about every other rejected help meet: "Can I fuck it?" I think God's answer to Adam every time he asked that was, "Yeah, but you probably shouldn't!"

This issue begins with Cyborg's Machine Dad going on about broken and useless technology which people don't need anymore. I always thought it all wound up in bins at the back of a Goodwill but apparently, according to Cyborg's Machine Dad, much of it is toxic to humans and thrown in landfills. So are the four or five old broken outdated laptops piled in the corner of my office a threat to my health and well-being?! I should probably load them up with porn and send them to poor pornless children in other parts of the world.

Who am I kidding? I don't need to load them up with porn at all! It was probably a virus that downloaded tons and tons of porn onto the hard drive that killed each of those laptops.

I mean, the laptops probably burned out because I read so much Shakespeare on them.

This story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is part one, "Awakening!" Ooh! So exciting! An exclamation point right in the title! I think I just came in my pants a little bit. Can somebody do that just a little bit? I suppose a little bit is all I have left after jerking it to four or five laptops full of porn.

Cyborg begins his part of the issue by stopping a robbery. So useful! He even does a bunch of the cyber. But that's probably not important because this story wasn't called "Cyborg Plays At Being A Hero While Secretly Being Sad About The Loss Of His Wiener". No, this issue is called "Awakening!" which means the conflict will probably be more of an internal thing.

I thought Morrow was going to say "Matchmaker."

Cyborg goes on an ice cream date with Sarah Charles. This sends him into a philosophical dilemma as he remembers hearing the recording his father made that explained a bunch of stuff his father wanted to keep secret. Seems like a weird recording to make, really. Anyway, Victor is now wondering if he's the same person he was before the accident or if he's just a machine programmed to think it's Victor Stone. Not like it matters. Human or machine, Sarah Charles has had both in her vagina. So I think he's going to get lucky tonight!

Seriously, though, I don't know why he'd be worried or concerned. So what if he's just a machine and code that replicates a human being? How does the knowledge that that is true change anything? I really wouldn't give a fuck if I were a simulation because I'm still a simulation of the person that I think I am.

Speaking of simulations, I find the theory that our universe could possibly be a simulation basically the religious theory of science. It's just a scientific way to say "God created the universe" except, in this instance, God is some other race of beings that created the technology to create a stand alone universe. Ultimately, the real question still remains: how did the race of people who created our universe (or those that created theirs? Or the ones who created theirs? Or...you get it) come to pass? Saying super smart bug-eyed reptilian scientists did it is no different than God did it. Without actual evidence of what happened before The Big Bang, the speculation is as useless as the Catholic Church.

At the ice cream shoppe, Cyborg meets his two biggest fans.

Why that little fucker?! How did his parents not slap the fuck out of him for saying that?! Little shit. I would have used my white noise attachment on him set to "Brown Note".

I probably shouldn't be so hard on these kids. I won't stop going on and on about how Cyborg doesn't have a penis! That's worse! You can live without feeling love. It's actually preferable that way! But without a penis?! Egads!

I don't mean to suggest all of you vagina-havers somehow don't have any reason to live. Of course you do! Your vaginas are terrific! Keep up the good work! A Plus Plus!

Sarah Charles discovers that Victor hasn't been to church since the accident. Well, she knows just the cure for that: jazz! Hmm, that sounds about right. I can't stand sitting through either.

I guess the whole religious thing is what has Victor so worried. If he's just a machine, how can he have one of those made-up souls?! If only God had mentioned cyborgs in The Bible, he wouldn't be losing faith. Although doesn't Jesus mention them? I'm pretty sure Jesus mentions them. If not, Jesus is pretty clear that the way to Heaven is through him. Does it count if a machine is programmed to accept Jesus as their lord and savior? I would have to think so because don't people want Xboxes and Playstations to go to Heaven too?

The jazz performer is named Blue and he's blind. I guess jazz from a blind person is more spiritual than jazz from some asshole who can read a sheet of music. That guy probably isn't jamming at all!

Blue's description of jazz is basically a description of this blog. So I probably shouldn't be so hard on jazz. If this blog were a type of music, I would call it punk jazz. But the bubble gum pop version of punk jazz! Played by a tone deaf piece of shit.

Is Cyborg going to cry soon? Will that prove he's got a soul? Because an old blind man makes him cry? That doesn't prove he has a soul! It just proves he's a big baby!

Cyborg doesn't cry while listening to the jazz which should mean I should be nice to him since I just scolded him for possibly crying. But instead I'd rather point out that if he didn't cry, he probably didn't really feel anything and, thus, he has no soul. At the very least, the kid in the ice cream shoppe was right and he has no heart. I won't even mention, once again, what I'm probably right about.

As Cyborg is feeling pretty good about himself, he's attacked by The Kilg%re. It probably dropped the "the" for Rebirth. For a creature that hates humanity as much as Killg%re does, it's odd that it would attack the machine guy and not his supple fleshy date. I guess Cyborg really is human after all!

The Ranking!
+1! So far, this is a Cyborg comic book that's kind of interesting. It still isn't about his penis though. It really should be about his penis.

Cyborg Rebirth #1

Cyborg has a brand new vibrator and he's sort of afraid to use it.

The Facts!
• Oh Cyborg! Haven't we given you enough chances to be an interesting character?! If as a character you hit your peak when you're stuffing your face full of pizza and playing video games, it's probably time for a little soul searching. Perhaps just bow out gracefully. Let some other people have a chance at the spotlight. Stop embarrassing yourself! At this point, I'm more compelled to read an Aquaman comic book than a Cyborg comic book.

• Part of my current distaste for Cyborg might be because I'm reading the late eighties, early nineties Marv Wolfman run of The New Titans where Cyborg spends about thirty issues as a remote controlled piece of taxidermy. I really can't imagine why they keep him around anymore. Maybe it's because all of Gar Logan's Playstation save game files are stored in Cyborg.

• In his early years, Cyborg was basically just a life support system for a white noise blaster. But nowadays, he's the ultimate computer hacker! He's also a shape changer! Basically if anybody needs to recover their files from a crashed hard drive or needs to rent a Bobcat to bury a body in the garden, Cyborg is your guy!

• Cyborg is twenty-one years old at this point and has been half-machine since he was fifteen. I mean sixteen! Stupid fat fingers hit the wrong button on the calculator. He's currently training at STAR Labs. The "STAR" part of the name stands for "Scientific and Technology Advanced Research." That sounds fucking stupid. Didn't it used to mean "Scientific and Technological Advanced Research" Labs? Who authorized the idiotic change?!

• Cyborg is currently battling the monster version of himself. Although maybe it's more robot and less monster with zero human. So it's not a real reflection of Cyborg. It's just Cyborg's projection of a reflection of himself! See, he sees himself as an unlovable monster. At least he sometimes did and might still think that. Perhaps we'll finally get a confident Cyborg who doesn't worry about asking "Who or what am I?" at the beep of a boop.

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious by his enemy which is a perfect time for the system running the simulation to pop open a subroutine to figure out Cyborg's identity. It's weird to think that a STAR Labs computer doesn't know Cyborg's identity. Although it isn't weird to think some of the people picking up this book don't know his identity or how he became the inhuman monster with the white noise cannon on his wrist. Let's find out about Victor Stone! If that's who he really is! Maybe his entire life has been a lie and we'll find out he was adopted by the Stone's! That would put a new spin on Cyborg constantly asking, "Who am I?!"

• The computer checks the DNA records and confirms that Cyborg is Victor Stone. That's when it realizes its database is full of romantic stories about how people in STAR Labs met. I think most of them met through T.O. Morrow's Dating App which was also his cybernetic son.

"I am a computer. I can speak normally and use all of the words without calling attention to my computerness. At least until I have to mention love. Why do humans call it that? Can they not simply refer to it as the engaging of their input/output devices?"

• The simulation might not actually be a simulation but an actual attack on STAR Labs. The computer is just monitoring Cyborg's efforts to defend STAR Labs so it can analyze his powers. I'm fine with either thing being true since Cyborg is unlikely to die in a simulation and he's also unlikely to die in a real battle in his Rebirth issue.

• The monster politely introduces itself to Cyborg as Malware. Hey Malware! According to my grandmother, I'm Mal Ñino!

Hey look! Cyborg made a joke that was actually kind of funny and he didn't follow it up with "That was a joke!" This series is different than his last one!

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious again so it's a perfect time for another flashback! I hope everything readers need to know is covered in this Rebirth issue or else Cyborg is going to be suffering from a lot of concussions to set up the flashbacks for his backstory.

• This flashback is about the death of his mother. It was the first failure of Silas Stone and it hardened his heart like a hard thing! And it's hard to love with a hard thing!

• As Cyborg is beginning to recover, there's time for one more short flashback to when Cyborg was half destroyed by a Mother Box opening a Boom Tube inside of him. Victor's life was saved only because Silas took him to the Red Room and attached him to all of the technology and crossing his fingers. Some scientist!

• I mean, it worked, so...um...Some scientist!

• Cyborg and Malware have their final face-off in a secret room just past the Red Room and three doors down. The room is buffered against any kind of wireless technology sending any streams of data through it. That way, nobody can hack into and find the data being stored in the secret safe in the center. I bet the safe contains Vic's actual penis!

• Malware tries to hack Cyborg but Cyborg is so full of his own malware that Malware is destroyed. Or something. I don't really understand how computers work. I think it's just a bunch of cockroach brains linked together with fiber optics?

Oh look! Cyborg is definitely more human than machine! No human knows when to use whomever over whoever!

• The information inside the safe in the center of the room...the information that was so well-guarded so that nobody would discover what it was...that information? It automatically begins telling Cyborg what it is. It's all, "Hey! Hey! Is somebody out there?! Oh man, I've been so lonely in this room! Let me tell you all about me! I'm a Victor Stone program! I'm what's in Cyborg! Does that mean Cyborg isn't real? Oh no! Mystery! I hope you're not Cyborg, whoever you are. Or is it whomever you are? Oh man, that's a tough word to figure out! Anyway, don't worry if you are Victor because, um, I was just kidding. Ha ha! You're real. Don't spend your entire comic book series wondering if you're real or not! Bye!"

• The computer narrating the story turns out to be STAR Labs' scary version of Silas Stone. It's Victor's Machine Dad! That's good because now Cyborg can have Human Daddy Issues and Machine Daddy Issues! He'll be twice as interesting as every other DC character! Other members of Machine Dad's step family include Amazo, The Engineer, The Metal Men, Cyborg Superman, Red Tornado, The Shaggy Man, The Brain, Steel, Robotman, OMAC, and some guy with goggles whom I don't recognize!

The Opinions!
At least I'm not completely disinterested in this Cyborg series yet! It's got some potential, I suppose, even if it's going to go in the usual direction of Cyborg questioning his authenticity. At least they threw in the Double Daddy Issue Deal. Maybe that'll be interesting. Especially if Machine Daddy shows any kind of affection at all because Human Daddy is a stone-hearted dick! Oh! A stone! That's the hard thing Silas Stone's heart became!

Justice League #51

Who thought the upside down Star Trek chevron was anything but disturbing on Robin's crotch?

The Review!
This issue was a prologue for Titans Rebirth #1. But more than that, it was about Robin's first day as a big boy super hero. He learns that he's useful even though he doesn't have any powers and he learns that everybody is jealous of him because he's close to Batman. They're all, "What kind of underwear does he wear? Does he ever watch television? Does he read the funnies? Does he ever smile? What's his net worth? Did he buy you from your parents?" Nobody really seems concerned that Batman has brought a kid into a dangerous situation, either because they trust Batman or they're afraid to say anything that might upset him. So instead Robin gets treated like an equal and told he did a good job and made to feel included. That's probably why Dick became such a great hero, because of his reception from the others. By the time Jason Todd came along, the novelty was gone and nobody really gave a shit. But after he died, everybody felt bad so they were much kinder to Tim Drake which helped make him successful. Damian they were all just afraid of.

The Commentary!
I don't know what's going on here. Why is there an Issue #51 of Justice League post-Rebirth? Was Justice League's sales numbers strong enough to keep it from reverting to Afterbirth Numbering? I suppose it's just limping its way to Issue #52.

Judging by the way this issue begins, it seems it still has some story to tell about the ties between The New 52 and Rebirth. Apparently five years ago when the Justice League supposedly first met each other to battle Darkseid, some other dimensional pervert was watching. But that's just the prologue because the actual story takes place six months later when Batman introduces everybody to his new partner, Robin! Everybody makes a few jokes about Batman hiring a child sidekick. Isn't that irresponsible of them? Shouldn't they table the jokes and immediately throw together an intervention. Aquaman comes the closest to trying to figure out what the fuck Batman is thinking when he asks Batman if it's his son. Of coruse any answer other than "no" comes with a whole lot of questions but luckily for Batman, Hal and Barry begin joking about it. Don't any of them realize that they're all going to be responsible if they put this kid in harm's way and get him killed? Or will they all just shrug and say, "He knew what he was getting into. He died a hero"?

The Justice League has met on the satellite to discuss some strange phenomena happening across the world.

What the hell did Constantine and Jordan get up to? Were horse tranquilizers involved?

The worst of the strange phenomena appeared in Metropolis: gigantic metal dogs of war. I'm sure Robin will be a big help in this one.

Meanwhile, the pervert from another Earth continues to drool over the succulent heroes.

While the heroes battle the war dogs, Mammoth arrives on the scene. So if Mammoth is here and Dan Abnett is writing this, does that mean the ultra-dimensional critter is the spider-thing that Mister Twister was trying to summon to Earth? Is that thing still going to be in play here?

Robin notices Brainiac watching the battle. Unless it's some other green guy just hanging out in Metropolis. Usually if it's a green guy and in Metropolis, it's either Brainiac or Ambush Bug. And this guy definitely isn't Ambush Bug.

Robin and the others ponder what's going on and they come up with a theory about all the strange phenomena and the villains in Metropolis having been transported from somewhere Cyborg calls The Bleeed. Like, you know, The Bleed! You know!

What's with all of the Rebirth Bad Guys watching everything on television? Is the new DC Universe going to be a long-winded statement about audiences and how we're the new bad guys?!

Wonder Woman and the Coluan who isn't Brainiac but a scientist named Bron Wox stop battling each other and begin figuring things out. The fabric of time and space was broken by the battle with Darkseid six months previous to this battle. And now things are leaking throuhg, Bron Wox being one of them. But he might be able to help because he's from a planet of really smart people.

Cyborg, being a living, breathing deus ex machina, says some techno-bullshit, beeps, buzzes, and saves the day. Yay!

Meanwhile the hungry watcher is all, "I guess I'll wait to invade Earth Prime. I didn't feel like invading today anyway. Maybe later I'll get all up inside this Robin's head and bring it all down that way." And that's when the story ends to be continued in Titans Rebirth #1. Which I should read next!

Titans Hunt #8

At first I thought there were two Nightwings on the cover. Now I'm positive there are two Nightwings on the cover.

The Review or Whatever!
I don't understand why I've been so disappointed with Titans Hunt. How can a person be disappointed by a team of superheroes that they've never really liked before? I suppose I still have some vestigial feelings left over from thinking that maybe I liked the Teen Titans back in the 1980s. That was also when I learned the word "vestigial" so I might be using it incorrectly. At the beginning of the 1980s, I was listening to Lionel Richie and Billy Joel. By the end of the 1980s, I was listening to Slayer and Metallica. I blame that on picking up my sister's Blizzard of Ozz tape and listening to it over and over and over again. Maybe that wouldn't have stuck so much if not for also liking a girl who I thought liked Alice Cooper but then finding out she didn't really know anything about his music after I discovered I couldn't get enough of it. Also it was junior high and high school and I was looking for a way to not be bothered by anybody ever and it seemed being into metal was a good way disappear into the background. Also, have you listened to Mr. Crowley? How could you not become an instant fan of Ozzy Osbourne after listening to that song? Although even in the late 1980s after my transformation, I'd still punch a bitch in the throat if they talked over Lionel Richie's "Hello".

The one thing I can't figure out about Titans Hunt? Whose dad is Mister Twister? He must be the father of one of these Teen Titans because the only time they get into huge conflicts is when their parents come to town. Okay, sometimes they have to battle their children from the future too. But mostly it's their father or some other close relative. One day, Trigon will wander in from Azarath or wherever to punch them all in the junk, the next day, it'll be Douchéstork the Terminator. Then a few days after that, Mento flips the fuck out before everybody has to rush off to Tamaran to beat down Starfire's sister. Then Donna Troy's foster family begins coming around looking for handouts before Cyborg's grandparents come around and...oh, you know what! Cyborg's grandparents never caused any trouble! Way to go, Cyborg, for having dead parents and cool grandparents! You were the best Titan of all!

So will the big reveal in this issue be that Mister Twister is Bumblebee's estranged father? Probably!

When did Second Nightwing get Laser Eyes?

Mister Twister doesn't seem to be the main enemy. He's the John the Baptist to the evil fuck's Jesus. I don't yet know who the evil fuck is but I'm guessing, as you may have guessed, that it's one of the Titans' mothers or fathers or second cousins twice-removed, whatever that means. I think what that means is a cousin you can do oral with.

The Teen Titans need to rally together to stop Mister Twister's plan from working so Nightwing comes up with one: semantics! They'll defeat Mister Twister with semantics! If he can only open the portal because the Teen Titans remember being the Teen Titans, then they'll point out that they aren't teens anymore! They're adults! They have new names even! So how can they still be used to open the portal when they aren't called Speedy or Robin or Wondergirl or the fish guy anymore?!

Garth? I think you mean Second Nightwing.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd enjoy comic books more if I were less cynical and more earnest. But then I remember how much I love cynically reading comic books and pointing out how stupid they are. Not that the Titans winning a battle by pointing out they've changed their names isn't the most amazing thing I've ever read! Because it's, like, a metaphor or something! It's so powerful! It's like Dick Grayson isn't a little boy anymore. He's all grown up and better than Batman and he's had sexual relationships and everything! I think this is like that moment in It when all the little kids have sex so that they can escape from the innocence of their childhood which was what made them victims in the first place. Except it's less gross!

But apparently the kids need everybody to understand the power of semantics! And too bad for them, they still have that big dope Hawk on their team!

Say you're Monarch, Hawk! Tell him about how you're Monarch!

Dove should choose her words more carefully because she's encouraging Hawk not to fight in the panel above. It's not like he can see her punctuation.

Hawk remembers that Mister Twister killed the original Dove so he flips the fuck out and tears a hole in Mister Twister's chest cavity. The Titans kick the crap out of him like they're fans at a soccer game cheering on their home team by putting a fan of the other team into the hospital. Whatever Mister Twister was summoning (it looks like a gigantic, other-dimensional spider, so I think bringing up It earlier was apt) begins coming through the portal. But Lilith casts a spell and Gnaark feeds Mister Twister to it, and it retreats back to its dimension. I don't know why the thing looked like a spider. Shouldn't it have looked like a big naked blue guy with a flaccid pecker?

The issue ends with the Titans suggesting they reform and with a mystery! The mystery is who was the missing Titan since Mister Twister mentioned ten Titans and there were only ten of them. But Bumblebee didn't count for some reason! I think because she was from Titans West or something. Anyway, Dick only brings it up so everybody can say, "Oh yeah! When are they going to remember Wally?!" Otherwise nobody would have even thought Bumblebee wasn't one of the ten Mister Twister mentioned since she had powers and was obviously a Titan of some kind or other.

The Flash #50

Come on, DC. The Flash should at least make the cover of his own comic book.

The Review
The Flash is still considered a bad guy because The Riddler is apparently such a genius that he manipulated all of the time travel events in such a way that it turned everybody against The Flash. Or maybe he's just decided to take advantage of the fact that Captain Frye is a huge idiot and doesn't know the difference between criminals and heroes. I realize that line is super fuzzy in the DC You (and possibly other comic book universes but these commentaries don't focus on those universes). This comic book is still bad and relies on tired plot points and stupid readers. I may be stupid in a lot of ways but I'm not a Stupid Comic Book Reader at all! I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and I declare this is a terrible comic book.

The Commentary
I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a lot more comic books than usual in May thanks to some of these titles being so far behind. Issue #50 on April 28th?! Looking up the release dates of the last two issues of PreRebirth Flash comic books, I see another one is due next week and Issue #52 is due the day Rebirth begins. I suppose that'll be the same for all of the other books that are way behind, like Justice League and Batgirl and Black Canary and Cyborg. Although maybe Black Canary and Cyborg have caught up by now. And also, they don't have the same amount of pressure on them as the comics that need to get their 52nd issue published, so maybe they'll just wrap up whenever. Not that it matters to me since Cyborg really could have wrapped up before it even started. Such a boring comic book!

When we last left The Flash, Central City's Police Department was acting like it was Backwards Law Day. They decided The Flash needed to be arrested while they began paying known criminals to help catch The Flash. I get that superhero comic books have been published for so long that there just aren't many new stories to tell, especially if the writer isn't very imaginative, but can we stop writing this story about how the law turns against the good guys so desperately that they ignore all the wrongdoing super villains have done? From now on, when a writer walks into a pitch meeting and says one of the following, I would like the editors to just shoot them in the head:

"Get this...the superhero loses all of her powers!"
"Imagine, if you can, the superhero...is framed by the bad guy and everybody loses trust in him!"
"You're going to call me crazy, but how about this for the next Superman story: he faces an alien that is more powerful than he is!"
"The theme of our Wonder Woman run will be how Wonder Woman has time for both a social life and a working life! Plus she should be seen in the shower a lot!"
"The hero falters but the people rise up to do the heroes job and the hero acknowledges that we are all the hero!"
"I don't know if this has ever been done but how about a Justice League story where they're beaten down for four issues and then, in the fifth issue, they rise up and win the day through sheer force of forcefulness!"
"What if we have some thing...I don't know what to call it...maybe a crisis? And it will involve all of the heroes and change continuity in critical ways and maybe renumber the comic books too!"
"Have we ever considered lobbying congress to demand a law be passed that forces people to buy our products the way that Obamacare forces people to buy corporate insurance or face severe tax penalties? Fucking geniuses, those guys!"

There are hundreds more like the story where a bad guy kills a female second cousin of the protagonist and the protagonist has grief. Or the one where the female hero is raped by the bad guy and experiences grief. Or the one where the male protagonist's mother is raped and killed so that the male protagonist grieves. Or the one where the sidekick is killed so that Batman gets a chance to grieve.

How about telling your aunt to stop publishing untrue articles about how dangerous The Flash is when all of the death and destruction was caused by other people. She's a lousy fucking reporter.

Iris is on scene as The Flash is arrested to ask Captain Frye one question: "What the hell are you doing?" Am I wrong? Did I remember things incorrectly? Didn't Iris write an article with a headline that was like and probably not exactly "FLASH: MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!" which questioned the safety of The Flash operating in Central City after the police headquarters were destroyed? I suppose if she did, it was enough issues in the past that nobody is going to read this bit about Iris and think, "What a fucking hypocrite she is!"

Meanwhile, The Trickster reports back to his new boss who I guessed was Ron Howard with Heat Wave in a fish tank. But judging by his green suit and gloves, it's obviously The Riddler with Heat Wave in a fish tank. He has plans to take over Central City in the same way that he could never take over Gotham. But first he had to get the law to turn against The Flash which was totally easy because he lives in the DC Universe where everybody simultaneously hates and loves superheroes, depending on which way the plot needs them to feel.

Flash's dad calls in a favor to help his son break out of prison before he gets unmasked. That means Girder and Overload take a hit on their sentences simply to help out. Maybe they're good guys too and I didn't realize it because of Central City's Backwards Law Day.

This is another horrible comic book trope. If there's a power outage, all of the prisoners go free because DC Prisons can't afford manual locks or electronically controlled locks that simply remain locked if the power goes out.

The Flash saves all of the cops and prison guards before Overload causes a massive explosion. This brings us to the next example in what seems to be a comic book meant to showcase lazy plotting: Captain Frye once again trusts The Flash because The Flash saved his life. I mean, The Flash saved his life when the Police Department exploded as well but I guess that was just normal Flash saving lives life saving. This was extenuating circumstances Flash saving lives where he saves the lives of people actively incarcerating him for no fucking good reason at all.

Flash now has to stop a massive prison break and riot at Iron Heights because that's just a thing that heroes have to deal with now that cell doors can't seem to stay locked. But at least maybe Iris will write an article with a new headline: FLASH CAUSES PRISON RIOT WHILE ESCAPING CUSTODY! Hmm, maybe that isn't the direction she should go with this story.

Flash saves all of the guards but doesn't attempt to stop the inmates himself since they're stuck on an island for a bit. I mean, the ones who can't fly are. Unless they pay the ones who can fly to fly them off. Anyway, forget about the prison! It doesn't matter anymore. It's time for The Flash to battle the Rogues again because Captain Frye hasn't had the chance to tell them they've been fired. Although if they can save his life, maybe he'll rehire them and begin mistrusting The Flash once more.

It's during the battle that The Riddler makes his big reveal and explains his motivations. You see, he noticed The Flash has never been beaten and he wanted to take a crack at beating him. Christ, Enigma. You're supposedly super smart but you can't figure out that there are cities in the world that don't have resident superheroes? You couldn't beat Batman who has no superpowers so you decide to go against the one that has arguably the greatest super power of all? You really are a delusional megalomaniac!

The backup story is about Wally West playing dodge ball but I stopped reading it when it was revealed the fat kid's nickname was Chunk. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen.

I lied! I kept reading it! But then I stopped when it was revealed the red headed kid is a mean bully. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

Okay, I lied again! The story is about Wally West meeting a future dead version of himself who time traveled to explain the changes Wally's body has been going through. Do I even need to say it a third time? Yes, yes I do! Simply because it feels good! Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

I probably shouldn't be writing such mean things to my theoretical best friend Van Jensen (according to Facebook in which we share one friend in common!) but The Flash really has been terrible with all of this time travel stuff. Van Jensen is at least acknowledging that it's a bunch of bullshit when he has time traveling Wally West say, "Time travel, dude. Don't even get me started." It's possible all of this time travel crap was editorially mandated because Brian Cunningham has a sexual fetish for horribly contrived time travel stories. Also he might just find the time travel stuff the most fascinating thing about The Flash. It's actually the worst thing. Even DC themselves tried to stop all of that bullshit with Flashpoint and The New 52 and putting a moratorium on time travel. But that didn't last because horrible writers decided it was still okay to have people time travel from different non-Flashpoint timelines into the Flashpoint timeline. Those horrible writers were Fabian Nicieza, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco. Also possibly others.

Action Comics #51

In this issue, Superman borrows The Atom's technology to learn what it's like to be a spermatozoa.

The Review!
This month's issue is a bit light on story but it gets across everything it needs to before bringing Wonder Woman into the story since the next installment takes place in Superman Loves Wonder Woman. Since Tomasi is handling every aspect of this story, it's been consistent and well-paced which is something the Superman titles have sorely lacked. Although some might argue the "well-paced" part since there wasn't any punches thrown this issue. Which is weird because Supergirl hasn't seen her cousin in some time. You'd think she would have greeted him like she used to with a nice right cross to the jaw.

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Superman planning a trip to famed National City in search of his cousin, Supergirl. This issue begins with him immediately finding her shoved into an overly complicated La-Z-Boy recliner inside a secret lab of the DEO (Department of Extra-Normal Operations (which is a pretty stupid name, really. And for what? An acronym that doesn't have any kind of wink-wink meaning like ARGUS?)). I know the Supergirl television show decided to go the Martian Manhunter as director route but this being a comic book, can we please get Mister Bones back? He was still running the thing in Batwoman but Batwoman was one of those weird New 52 titles that clung heavily to Preboot history and material. Plus a lot of it seemed to have been scrapped when Blackman and Williams had their falling out with DC.

Superman doesn't ask anybody why Supergirl is in the chair. He doesn't think, "Maybe she's hurt or sick and the DEO are helping?" He just kicks in the door, says, "Fuck you, assholes!", destroys their equipment, and flies off with Supergirl. I suppose I don't blame him since Supergirl has been missing for so long and the DEO doesn't have the best reputation. But he is Superman which means he actually can take a moment to consider that his actions might hurt Supergirl more than help her. Although the DEO is so shitty that that moment could turn into Superman being enveloped in a cloud of Kryptonite dust. Double although, maybe that would cure him? Oh! Or maybe the DEO is curing Supergirl of her Kryptonite poisoning that perhaps was worse than she thought! Maybe she's in some kind of Kryptonite Dialysis machine! I'm not exactly clear on what Dialysis does but I think it takes the pee out of people and puts in not pee. Or something. So it might be analogous to a Kryptonite Removing Machine.

Oh Supergirl's bum, how I've missed you!

Supergirl explains where she's been and how she was losing her powers too and how that led her to team up with Cameron Chase (no relation to Danny Chase. I think? But also played by Charisma Carpenter in the Supergirl television show! I think) and the DEO.

Meanwhile, the Wanna-be Superman decides to also pose as Clark Kent. Well, it's less of a decision and more of a can't help himself from doing it. So he invades the Daily Planet and winds up killing a few security guards before Lois Lane takes him down with a Taser. Perry decides to send the guy to ARGUS to figure out what the hell's going on.

Superman wills the Fortress of Solitude over to Supergirl just before Wonder Woman shows up armed for a fight. She's a bit miffed that Superman found out he was dying and decided to tell Batman first. As if Batman doesn't get to find out everything first!

The Darkseid War Special #1

Why is this a thing? Why isn't it just Justice League #49? How is Justice League ever going to make it to #52 before Rebirth at this rate?!

The Review
Justice League has fallen two or three months behind all of the other series so what does Geoff Johns choose to do? Insert more specials! I suppose that's because he realized he wasn't going to finish his epic tale before Rebirth erased it all. Not that Rebirth is a Reboot. DC can't say that enough! But we all know things are going to change. I have a feeling every Rebirth issue is just going to be pretty pictures and a mediocre story revolving around the same statement to fans: every story DC has ever published in the past is canon no matter how weird and inexplicable it makes the DC Universe. That's how I see it already anyway. I don't take my cues from DC about what stories make Batman the real, current Batman. How am I supposed to compartmentalize all of the Batman stories I've read over the years so that when I'm reading New 52 Batman, I know exactly what he's experienced and the things he's been through? I still read Batman believing that he used to climb up the sides of buildings and have brief conversations with sixties television stars. Hell, I still think Batman had all of those adventures with the characters from Star Wars and the soldiers from G.I. Joe and the creatures from the Masters of the Universe as they drove around my backyard in Barbie's pink Corvette! Anyway, this issue of The Darkseid War may also have been slotted into place because it's mostly exposition. I guess after all the blockbuster fights and crazy changes in personality the Justice League has gone through, a brief explanatory respite was in order for anybody who was a bit confused as to why Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor were fighting in the first place.

The Commentary
The Darkseid War is still going on because Geoff Johns believes stories that go on for-fucking-ever are what fans are craving. Big, blockbuster, over-the-top stories that make no sense but aren't limited because nobody at DC Comics has a position higher than the writer of the stupid thing. And apparently nobody has the balls to tell Zack Snyder...I mean Michael Bay...I mean Geoff Johns that length and thickness aren't the only thing that matters. Although, let's face it, DC Fangenders really can't get enough of Johns love muscle--and I don't mean his heart--pounding away at their colon. Every story doesn't have to forever change everything, Geoff. You can fucking calm down a little bit. Some people might not think I should be the one to suggest subtlety to another writer but then those people who don't think I'm subtle are probably missing 90% of the shit I'm expressing. Because I'm a motherfucking subtle son of a bitch!

I probably shouldn't be ranting like this about The Darkseid War because it is kind of entertaining, isn't it? It's entertaining in the way that Geoff Johns writes those stories people have in drunken conversations about stupid fucking ideas they'd maybe like to see happen in comic books. Like "Dude, dude! No, wait, dude. What if The Flash actually raced against Death?!" Or "Check this out. What if...what if...err...Lex Luthor were ruler of Apokolips?!" "No! What if Batman could know anything in the universe? Anything at all! Like how it all began or what existed before our universe or what's the cure for cancer or how can we end bigotry and religious strife or what is the Joker's real name?!" "What if Lois Lane were secretly a web camera porn star?!" "What if The Hulk shoved his cock straight down my throat? Oh god I'm hard."

Um, anyway, what I was saying in the caption to the cover was why another special after all the other Darkseid War specials have been separated across time by other Justice League issues? How is anybody in the future, hunting down back issues of The New 52 Justice League (because Geoff Johns is revered as a god and a monster), going to know what order to read these books in? Aside from all the people with internet blog entries listing the order.

The story begins with Jessica Cruz, now completely subsumed by Volthoom, wandering around inside of the power ring while some other prisoner speaks with her. I hope it's somebody surprising from DC's history and not just the wussy cry baby from Earth-3 that was Volthoom's previous host. The voice assures Jessica that if she can find him inside the hellish landscape of the ring, she has a chance of escaping, reclaiming her body, and saving the Justice League and the Omniverse and everything else that isn't somehow included in the stupid term "Omniverse" (which I only ever use ironically or in professional essays for academic magazines). I bet the voice is a Guardian of the Universe. Or, you know, Volthoom.

The voice tells Jessica that she needs to find the battery. Why doesn't the voice just bring the battery to her? Why must metaphysical landscapes always be bound by physical laws? It's probably a weakness in Jessica's own mind that she has to interpret the realm she's in as a natural landscape to be crossed rather than an idea which could be traversed in a thought.

Meanwhile, Myrina Black and her griffon (unless it's a hippogriff) are wandering about another bleak landscape searching for answers.

I, too, like to believe in absolute truths with whatever exceptions I feel like throwing in for my own comfort.

It seems to me that perhaps it was a bad idea to fuck and be impregnated by the only person you believe has no good in them. I suppose it's like when I feel totally judgmental about something, I'm driven to experience that thing to the best of my ability and to view it with non-judgmental eyes to see if I'm being a dick or if that thing really is a shit omelette. Although I don't think I'd go so far as to think, "You know? That person is a real fucking asshole. The biggest asshole in the universe. No redeeming qualities at all! Although, what if I'm being unfair in my criticism? I guess I'll let him plant his dark seed in me to make sure!"

I bet Darkseid is a good fuck though. I bet that's the simple answer. Myrina just couldn't keep her legs closed around him. I get it! He's powerful and he gets shit done. Also he's so thick. Just seeing his hard cock probably causes the observer to orgasm. That's his Alpha Effect.

Myrina explains that she's an Amazonian assassin and her target was Darkseid. And I guess the only way to kill Darkseid was to seduce him, have his child, raise her to hate her father, and start a war between the Anti-Monitor and Darkseid. That's pretty ambitious considering I can't even plan breakfast.

Anyone who lays eyes on Hippolyta's vagina must die? Was Diana born with a penis? What did Myrina see?!

Grail explains how the entire plan came together although I'm still a bit unclear about why Myrina had to be impregnated by Darkseid. I'm just going to assume that was an accident. And even if they had the Morning After Pill back when Grail was conceived, I doubt it would have been strong enough to evict a half-Amazonian, half-New God zygote from Myrina's vagina.

Apparently Steve Trevor is now also part of the plan. The new plan, of course! The old plan was to kill Darkseid and he's dead. The new plan is for Grail to take control of the Anti-Life Equation and become a new, female Darkseid. Grail kisses Stever Trevor (even though he's apparently the wrong man since somebody before him stepped foot on Themyscira and that's the guy Grail actually wants) and he turns into Firestorm. Or maybe he's just burning alive. It's hard to be sure.

Back inside Power Ring's ring, Jessica makes it to the battery and discovers the face behind the voice that's been helping her: Cyborg. Sad trombone. I'm so disappointed right now. Geoff Johns went off his normal playbook for this twist. This should have been some kind of reveal of a character nobody ever really liked or thought much about or had totally forgotten and would never care if the character just disappeared from all of DC's records and that every...oh wait. Cyborg is one of those characters. Never mind. Good work, Geoff.

Justice League United #15

This cover isn't toning down my Medusa lust.

At the end of the last issue, OMAC appeared. OMAC used to be the One Man Army Corps but that wasn't modern or stupid enough so DC Comics changed it to the One Machine Attack Construct. Calling some super powered person a One Man Army Corps was probably offensive to soldiers in the army. Most soldiers in the army are probably offended by things like burning the American flag or people who thank them for fighting for freedom when they're expressly fighting for oil. But some soldiers in the army are nerds (because nerds are everywhere) and they were all, "Jack Kirby is a douche! He thinks what we do can be done by one simple minded stockboy with a computer?! One Man Army Corps, my ass! More like One Major...um...Asshole Clown!"

I put the "um" in there to show that most people in the army aren't great at thinking on their feet. I'm not entirely sure that's a fact but it seems to me that somebody wanting to live a regimented and structured life where they feel most comfortable being told what to do might be evidence of my bias. Except for anybody in the army reading this right now! You should probably ask for a promotion to Sergeant General!

This issue begins with an awful lot of phallus talk!

Von Hammer? Cosmic Rod? I'm starting to see the gay appeal of war comics!

OMAC, being Dan DiDio's favorite character to masturbate on, somehow doesn't defeat everybody else. That's probably because Jeff Parker is writing this comic book and now Super Jack Kirby Fan Dan "I Call My Penis 'OMAC: Overly Masculine Angry Cock'" DiDio. Instead, OMAC is punched in the face at the same time by Robotman and Steel. OMAC slumps to the ground defeated and I'm left thinking, "Why did Robotman say 'Finally!' when they defeated OMAC? OMAC has only been in this comic book series for five panels! Do most of Robtoman's battles last only one or two?! Why isn't Robotman the greatest hero in the DC Youniverse?!" The Doom Patrol should really have their own series by this point in The New 52. And even though I know Geoff Johns probably has dibs on that series, I think Jeff Parker would be a good fit to write it. He might not be Shakespeare when Shakespeare is really pounding out the highfalutin philosophical mumbo-jumbo that everybody likes to quote to look smart but he's definitely on par with Shakespeare when he's writing penis and fart jokes.

Batgirl and Vandal Savage arrive on the battlefield just as the Creature Commandos begin to regroup and Medusa hopefully pulls her shirt down lower to expose more cleavage. How come nobody has yet invented a bikini that shows vagina cleavage? That's a billion dollar idea right here!

Also arriving in time for the chaos: Sgt. Rock and Easy Company! I'm sure the Unknown Soldier is around somewhere as well. And of course Stargirl with Baron Von Hammer are directly above everybody in the sky. Not to mention all of the random troops full of regular people from every war that ever encroached on Arracourt, France. I think some Rocket Reds might be in the battle as well!

The Red Baron's plane gets shot out of the sky by Sgt. Rock and I feel a little strange reading a story where Stargirl is falling out of the sky in a crashing plane. Steel saves her life by throwing the rod at her and she flies to safety clutching her cosmic rod and Baron Von Hammer. Other sexy things that happen before a truce is called: Vandal commits perfidy, Medusa stands in a normal pose, and Robotman throws himself on a grenade thrown by the Unknown Soldier.

Working together, the new team of Justice League United and every war character ever created by DC Comics except for The Unknown Soldier storm the Breaker. Sgt. Rock knows where all of the enemies will be attacking because he's stormed the Breaker every single day that he's been trapped in the time anomaly. But now he has a small army at his back instead of the usual losers of Easy Company and they make it to the enemy in just a few minutes.

I knew it! Constant worship of the Unknown Soldier and a populace's need to append meaning to the death of every soldier is what keeps war going!

Once the Unknown Soldier is killed, everybody returns to their proper times. Although I don't know where OMAC and the Creature Commandos wind up since their books were cancelled a long time ago. I guess wherever they are, Justice League United will be meeting up with them soon.

Justice League United #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Did I just read an anti-war comic book? Fucking communists! How dare you put messages of peace and love hidden inside exciting stories about war?! If you want to make money exploiting war, that's cool. But you should put a warning on the cover if you're going to slip in some namby pamby hippie bullshit message like "war is bad." That's practically like stealing my money! How bad can war be when it's America's go-to solution to solve any problem? The war doesn't even have to be concerned with the solution to the problem either! It's just good to have a war, I guess. Freedom or some such. Because none of us would be free at all if we weren't off in other countries killing people. Thank God we have so many heroic men and women willing to throw their lives away for probably good reasons full of meaning which accomplishment important things. Anyway, I've got my eye on you, Jeff Parker! You won't fool me into buying your socialist rag again! Next time, I'm going to read the end of the story to make sure you put the proper, positive spin on war when the story wraps up. "No more war," my huge manly erection!

Batman and Robin Eternal #3

Gotham City gets destroyed so often they really should add a version number after the name.

In the Disqus forum of my last intellectually critical commentary on this comic book, Commenter Peg said, "[I]s this a thing that keeps happening? That canon doesn't matter, because new writers will erase what happened before if they don't like it? Because if so I quit. I'm not giving my money anymore on these expensive comics if they can't keep their story straight. If history doesn't matter, then might as well make up my own. What's the difference? I don't even have to pay anything for it," in response to my claim that "comic book continuity is always being fucked with depending on the writer, editors, and the current zeitgeist." I must answer "Yes, this is a thing" because comic books are a strange beast which stands alone in our entertainment sphere, especially now in the 21st Century and the internet age. Today, we expect television shows, book trilogies (trilogy here meaning, of course, however many books are published until the author dies or gets bored), and movie franchises to tell coherent long-form stories. In these formats, nobody expects something that was mentioned in Episode Eight of a television show, or in the first book of a trilogy, or in the third sequel of a movie franchise to suddenly be changed on a whim. My guess is that people born post Return of the Jedi have lived in a world where most of the entertainment media they've consumed has tried its best to maintain a cohesive narrative. But comic books are of a different nature because they do not, and were never meant, to tell a structured story with a beginning, middle, and end. The characters must exist outside of time but must also appeal to the current generations picking them up and reading them. They must reflect the current zeitgeist or they will become relics. And for this to happen, the characters must constantly be reimagined.

Because of the expected narrative structure of every bit of media we consume today, it's hard to swallow when comic books do the unimaginable and change the histories of the characters. Can you imagine if Lost had kept changing its mind on what things meant and then...oh wait. That's a bad example. What if the writers of Bones decided that in the current season, Angel was just never married to Jess's sister anymore? People would go apeshit! I think. Does anybody even watch Bones anymore? Anyway, we expect television to not mess with the story told to us in previous episodes and seasons. It's hard to believe there was a time when television shows hardly cared about the continuity from one episode to the next. They generally maintained a sense of "soft continuity" which was really just the established parameters of the premise or the situation. My mother used to dislike shows which she disdainfully referred to as "soap operas" because they relied too much on a long story arc across the season. Before that, characters could change and grow but they really were just plunked down in the same situation week after week without any real reference to previous episodes. The comedy Soap was called Soap because they were playing off the idea that the show's story just kept continuing week after week. But if you watch it now, the continuing premise wouldn't be anything different and the title would be redundant. Soap might just be called Arrested Development and everybody would expect the story to continue from one week to the next. The first drama I watched which I really remember telling the kind of long narrative story expected from television shows today was Wiseguy. Twin Peaks also broke that barrier but even Lynch's show played on the idea that it was basically a soap opera. It even parodied itself in the fake in-show soap opera, "Invitation to Love."

Just a bit of imagery to break up the boring words.

Movie franchises were a bit ahead of television shows in trying to keep a cohesive narrative across multiple films. But even here, it was rare. A series like The Godfather or Star Wars were made to tell a long story and would have been ruined by playing fast and loose with the previous movie's revelations. But continuity mattered less in other film franchises which only produced sequels because the first movie was a hit. And of course novels have always been expected to play as fair as possible. But comic books...oh, comic books. What was going on with them?

Comic books have never had the luxury of maintaining a cohesive narrative across long stretches of time because their audience is constantly changing. Nobody expected anyone but kids to be reading Batman when he first came on the scene. And nobody expected those kids to keep reading Batman as they aged. So Batman couldn't age. Who wants to read about a sixty-five year old vigilante breaking his hip as he tries to swing across Gotham? So the characters aren't allowed to age but they have to interact with the world in which the readers live. The scenery behind the characters flits past, constantly changing and updating, while the characters remain the same age. Certain historical moments that might have been incorporated into the story of the character have to change as those moments move further and further into the past and mean less and less to the new readers coming of comic book reading age. And what about the writers, artists, and editors? The characters outlive them decade after decade. Of course no new writer is going to be compelled to come on to a Batman book if they have to keep the character true to its decades old roots. Sometimes writers will come along and write a new definitive take on a character which the current generation latches onto. That's now who Batman is no matter how upset it might make Batman's older fans who never thought of Batman in this updated way. And eventually, Batman becomes the culmination of a whole bunch of seminal stories that nearly everybody thinks of when they think of Batman. And if there were times in Batman's history that nobody looks fondly on? They're forgotten as if they never happened. But for some people who like that time? They still matter. Things have to change. Things must constantly be updated. But the characters have so much history, parts of which conflict with other parts, that the character means something different to everybody who loves it.

My main point about loving comic book characters no matter how much they change due to "writers, editors, or the current zeitgeist" is that any character you fall in love with continues to exist no matter what future changes eventually turn the character on its head. Because the character you fell in love with is almost certainly not the character she was fifteen years before you discovered her. Do not let the comic book company dictate the stories you cherish simply because they've retconned them out of existence. Do not give the companies power over your fandom. Things in comics will change because they have to change. They are not indebted to any one generation's likes, values, and mores. Nor should they be.

In Dan Jurgens' Bat-mite, Gridlock says, "I have sworn to preserve the world as it is and forestall the devastating changes younger generations would inflict on us." That seems to be a common theme with comic book fans who dislike change. As much as I love to make fun of Dan Jurgens for being stuck in the eighties, his current Bat-mite is an intelligently put together parable about how each generation of comic book fans believes the era in which they fell in love with comics to remain the norm. And that's just not how comic books work. The longer you remain a fan, the more often some character or story or Reboot is going to break your heart. Once you can learn to live with this fact, and realize that the characters you love are made up of the stories you choose to remember, the less angry letters to the editors forum rants you'll wind up writing.

And now it's time to read the comic book!

Dick and the other Batkids arrive at Noonan's Sleazy Bar to keep Jason Todd from getting killed by Cassandra Cain. Is this the part where Sixpack tries to recruit them all for Section Eight? I think Dick would fit in perfectly. He could change his name to Tight Ass and wear ass-less chaps. Between Dick Grayson and Bueno Excellente, they could seduce any super villain they encounter!

The Batkids head out to the Batcave because Batman is out of town. Or his mind. Whatever. It's definitely an adult-free space so it's the place to hang and have sex with each other. They can do Scarecrow Toxin Whippits and play Seven Minutes Behind the Giant Penny. Although the giant penny was turned into a merry-go-round at Lucius Fox's Home for Wayward Youths. And the giant dinosaur was turned into a slide although the giant dinosaur is still in the cave with the randy kids. Continuity Violation! I call Continuity Violation!

Once in the cave, Harper gets laid up in the intravenous healing tea injection table while the rest of the Batkids try to figure out a way to get Cassandra Cain to talk.

Blasphemy! Candy does not equal circus peanuts! And Tim's supposed to be the smart one!

Cassandra taps each of the male Batkids in safe places: Hood is the hand, Tim is the head, Dick is the heart. Then she goes over to touch Harper's stubbornness and Stephanie's funny bone.

Helena gets back in touch with Dick to let him know that she found a reference to Mother in one of Agent Zero's diaries from about twenty-five years ago. It turns out Mother has the capability of producing "designer human beings" for anything a person might need. Red Hood suggests that maybe Batman used it to design his Robins. Dick and Tim seem like they'd like to argue the point but, really, how many times has Batman betrayed their trust in the past? Pretty much once per week. I'm pointing to the Circus Peanuts as treats as proof of one betrayal.

It's only Issue Three and I've actually already voiced my objections to the Batman creating his sidekicks plot when the Sneak Peek came out on my birthday Batman Day. If it turns out that Batman somehow had a hand in creating each Robin, even if he just special ordered them through Mother, the writing crew had better come up with an incredibly crazy but believable and emotional reason for it. Otherwise they're just cribbing the "Joker made Jason Todd into Robin" plot from Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws Zero Issue. Which I ranted and raved about back then.

Time for a flashback to after Dick was gassed by the Scarecrow and Batman rushed him back to the Batcave to describe the experience. I mean to care for him! No, no. It really was just to describe the experience. Batman is one hard motherfucker.

I like how Dick is giving Bruce a little side glance as he admits to his fear, just waiting for Batman to assure him it's not true. Or fearful Bruce is going to agree.

Bruce tells Robin that he saw nothing when he was dosed. Now Dick's memory ramps up his paranoia that what Bruce saw had something to do with Mother and her help in creating the Robins. His flashback is interrupted by Helena with more information. It seems Poppy ate her nanites. But before doing so, one of them hacked her cell phone and figured out where Poppy's outgoing calls to Gotham were headed. To a place where Bruce Wayne is being celebrated. Dick ditches the other kids and rushes off to save Bruce in much the same way Batman would have ditched them all without actually telling them all the details and asking for help. He really is a good Batman replacement!

Tim Drake mans the Batcomputer to watch Dick's back while Cassandra Cain and Harper Row slip off into the shadows to hopefully get that Batkid sex going. Somebody's got to do something sexual soon! I'd be happy with Red Hood pulling out his balls and lying them against Tim's neck as Tim is concentrating on the Batcomputer!

Bruce Wayne gets invited to check out the kitchen at the "Welcome Back, Bruce Wayne (Again!)" party. But instead of getting a tasty treat, he gets ambushed by a bunch of Mother's children. He'd better hope his martial arts training wasn't written over by the Dionesium!

Batman and Robin Eternal #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'd better give it as many increases in rank as I can while I'm still enjoying the interactions of the Batkids. I have a feeling when Bruce's Bat-secret is revealed, things are going to get incredibly stupid and outlandish and unbelievable and insane and I'm really not going to be very happy about it all.

Justice League United #14

Is this a Jem and the Holograms tie-in?

I found a blog recently that is horrible. It's not trying to be horrible. But it is horrible anyway. Also it is not this blog, smart monkey. I do not want to say what blog it is because I only speak poorly of entertainers who charge me money for their product and, instead of entertaining me, pee all over my open mouth as I forget to shut it and then continue to pay for the service every month thereafter. Most of the time, I'm talking about metaphorical pee. But if anybody wants to try to guess what blog I mean, I will tell you if you get it right. It shouldn't be too hard to guess. How many blogs can there be on the internet? Like two dozen?

It really is terrible though. But that won't keep me from reading through every entry! Nothing makes you feel more alive and quite a bit more superior than the next chap than reading really terrible writing based on a fairly boring idea. Although I don't think the concept seems dumb to pop culture nerds. They probably think the site is smart and entertaining. But it's not!

Man! You really should check out this horrible blog! Generally, I'd shut up about it because I'm refusing to mention the URL. Everybody is probably thinking, "Why don't you shut up about it?!" Eventually I will, I suppose. Kant once said, "All false art, all vain wisdom, lasts its time but finally destroys itself, and its highest culture is also the epoch of its decay." What does that mean? I don't know! Sometimes I forget what I was trying to say. Does that ever happen to you? Oh! Maybe I should get to the comic book now?

The best part of Justice League United is the scene between Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. Mostly it's the best part because I like Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. It's also the best part because Batgirl beats the crap out of Easy Company to help Vandal Savage escape! Doesn't she know she's supposed to be supporting the Americans?! Barbara Gordon is a communist!

And Stargirl takes succor from the enemy! Unless succor means something inappropriate and nasty.

Oh wait! I made a huge mistake! The best part of the comic book wasn't the part with Stupid Rock and Randall Scabbage at all! It's the part where the Creature Commandos appear with GI Zombie and GI Robot! They attack Cliff Steele and Steel for some reason. You'd think GI Robot would be all, "Beep beep beep! I'm feeling really uncomfortable with your actions, guys. Beep beep beep!"

Medusa makes me feel dizzy in my pants.

I'm telling you right now don't comment on this Critical Review with the obvious Medusa/Pants joke. I will not have my blog sullied by mediocrity! If you want mediocrity, figure out that other blog I mentioned earlier!

I could easily close out this Critical Review (maybe I should change the name of my blog to Grunion Guy's Critical Comic Book Reviews? That would probably garner fewer questions about the blog's name. Also it would clearly state the intention of this blog! If only I'd had an agent before setting foot in the world of high stakes comic book review sites) with picture after picture of Medusa and her Medusa Bosom and her Medusa Crotch and her Medusa Belly. I would look at that Critical Review and think, "That's a really satisfying look at Justice League United #14!" Then my penis would make a funny sound effect.

I think this is a lesson in not raping because the Germans probably would have won the war with Vandal Savage on their side and he only switched sides because of Commandant Rapist. It's always good to learn another reason why you shouldn't rape!

While Vandal and Batgirl try to contact the rest of the Justice League United, the Unknown Soldier creeps up and begins spying on them in the hopes that they're young lovers on a picnic about to have some pound cake with wine. They don't have any pound cake at all. Instead they're attacked by Germans. One German says, "Ahk!" That means "Oh shit! I got a Batarang in my eye!" in English. The other German says, "Sterben, Fledermaus Frau!" That means, "Surrender, flying mouse girl!" But then that guy steps on a landmine and Flying Mouse Girl doesn't have to surrender at all. But it does cause Vandal to laugh and say, "Krieg ist die Hölle, mien Freund." That means "Watch your step, my friend." The Unknown Soldier never comes out of hiding because he wants to remain anonymous.

A-ha! Maybe this is the sexy picnic the Unknown Soldier was searching for!

Back at the battle of the Creature Commandos, I can't even scan the shoulder mounted mortar gun that Frankenstein uses without embarrassing any ladies reading this. Medusa shows some more of her bosom as she tries to turn Cliff Steele to stone. But that doesn't work because he's a robot and his brain might even just be a reel of tape at this point. It's hard to tell how many bottoms New 52 Cliff Steele has hit up until this point. The Creature Commandos are no match for Steel and Robotman because they're not the heroes of this comic book (which is too bad). But their next opponent isn't going to be as easy to defeat!

Oh man! Another cock!

Justice League United #14 Rating: No change. It's a cavalcade of trademarks this issue! Most of DC's war comics over the last four years have been terrible so why not throw them all into one big chaotic story? It's really working! Plus this story has the original Sergeant Rock instead of that loser grandson of his DC tried to pawn off on its readers in Men of War. That was awful! As was GI Combat! And Star Spangled War Stories! Hopefully the next issue will reintroduce the Haunted Tank and the Nazi War Wheel!

Batman and Robin Eternal #2

How dare The Scarecrow interrupt blow job time.

This would be a fun comic book if it were just about Dick Grayson remembering his early adventures with Batman. Maybe a present day story introducing Cassandra Cain could also take place but why does it have to be some kind of crazy revelation to Batman and Robin's history? DC doesn't remember that the word "subtle" exists in the English language. What did we learn from Batman Eternal? I know it's hard to remember what it was about because it took 52 weeks to complete but let's try and remember. What we learned was that Batman is a shittier detective than DC Comics would like us to believe. He was nearly beaten by Cluemaster. No, let me amend that statement! He was beaten by Cluemaster! He would have been killed by Cluemaster if Lincoln March hadn't come along and accidentally saved Batman by killing Cluemaster. So after fifty-two weeks, we learned that Cluemaster is the greatest Batman villain of all time. I would have accepted that story if Steph had been the one to kill Cluemaster though. Then Batman would have taken her under his wing to train her because he would have seen a spark of genius and the ability to survive. He would have wanted to save her because her father was just gunned down! But she would have been a seriously flawed Robin because she would always worry that she wasn't good enough because her last action before becoming a Robin was killing even if it was to save Batman's life. That I would have accepted. Having Cluemaster's financier save Batman? Almost as ridiculous as having Cluemaster beat Batman!

What I'm trying to say is I really hope this comic book doesn't try so hard that it's bound to disappoint. I just want to see young Dick Grayson working with Bruce Wayne. Hopefully when Dick finds out the crazy super secret that Bruce never wanted Dick to know, he'll just shake his head and mutter Bruce's name and forget all about it.

This issue begins with The Orphan about to kill Harper Row. He's toyed with her the appropriate amount of time that will ensure he'll fail. Villains really need to learn to pull the trigger quicker. You know what kind of villain would be a great success? A premature ejaculator! Just about all of the villains in comics right now are delayed ejaculators who never get to experience the money shot before their partner falls asleep tired and frustrated.

I was going to scan the panel where Spoiler inevitably flies through the window and beats the crap out of The Orphan but it wound up spanning two pages and that's just too much for my tight little scanner. Also it was Cassandra Cain and not Spoiler. So instead I'll scan a picture of The Orphan crying like Teleman after Death Rock fart's loudly in Teleman's face and then Death Rock blames it on Teleman and everybody calls Teleman gross for farting.

The tears are from the humiliation and the powerful sting of Death Rock's butt wind.

I wonder if I could convince Death Rock and other members of the Galactic Hero Corps to write some comic book reviews for me? I could work on all of my novels if I could talk them into doing this work for me!

Harper Row has a Mucous Membrane poster on her wall which proves she's actually the coolest of all of Batman's sidekicks. I wonder if she'll add some occult mumbo-jumbo to some of her future technological marvels?

Dick Grayson arrives at Harper's place because he's following a hunch he got after chewing the Batgum Cassandra gave to him. He flips and flops up the side of the building while Steph watches from outside and slowly unzips her pants so she can get her whole fist in there.

Splorch! Squorch! Splotch! Squarsh! Shplorph!

I hope I spelled the sex sounds right! That's how they sound like they're spelled whenever I listen to Nice Alice and Death Rock having sex in Insectorama's bed. Some of the sounds might be wrong because they're mixed with the sound of Insectorama's muffled screams because they usually do it while he's still in the bed. Death Rock says he comes harder when "some Jovi fan is struggling for breath with my knee on his throat."

Between Cassandra and Harper's taser, The Orphan gets knocked out the window. Dick catches him because he forgot about Batman's rule where if you forget to catch the bad guy as they fall to their death, it isn't your fault. Dick gets one of The Orphan's knees to his face for his efforts which probably would have made Batman laugh! He would have been all, "You forgot page six hundred and seventy nine of my Manual of Not Ever Being Blamed for a Bad Guy's Death!" Cassandra goes after the escaping Orphan as Dick checks on Harper and Stephanie struggles to remove her fist from her vagina.

That's her catch phrase? "Spoiler Alert"?

Here's a spoiler alert for you, Spoiler! If you want to maintain the integrity of your secret identity, maybe don't announce who your roommate is when you're in costume and your roommate isn't in costume and also when you are in your flat.

Cassandra knocked the tubes out of The Orphan's mask as they were fighting and now Dick Grayson smells fear gas. It sends him into a sweet nostalgic flashback when he was Robin and working with Batman. They had chased Doctor Crane into a cornfield outside of Gotham.

Thanks for the unnecessary information, Batman!

Maybe the information about crop circles isn't extraneous information! Maybe Batman will discover that The Scarecrow's fear toxin is what makes people create crop circles! Maybe the circles are representative of their greatest fears!

Dick Grayson experiences his first dose of fear toxin when The Scarecrow ambushes them. His revealed fear is that he's too jolly and upbeat for The Batman and that he's just not good enough. I can see how he would worry about that when he's just starting out. But by now, he's probably the only Robin who knows better. I have a sneaking suspicion that Dick Grayson actually realizes he's better at being Batman than Batman is, although he'd never say so out loud!

Tim Drake stops by Harper's apartment so that she can put a fist in her vagina too. I hope this issue ends with a big sex party! What was the rating on the cover? Darn. Rated T for Teen! Stupid teens aren't ready to know about sex so there won't be any sex in this issue. You'll have to learn somewhere else how guys and girls do it. And when you do, send me a message so I can confirm whether you got it right or not. Maybe send pictures too?

Dick realizes that the first four people on the cartoon that came with the Batgum are almost all currently in the apartment. The only one missing is Jason Todd. So they give him a call only to discover he's hanging out at Noonan's Sleazy Bar and pointing a gun at Cassandra Cain. I guess The Orphan got away. Maybe The Orphan is Hacken!

Batman and Robin Eternal #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I've been wanting a comic book that focuses on all of the bat children for quite some time and this issue did a good job of shoving them all into the same space. Tim and Jason didn't get much time but maybe next issue will really get these kids working together. Poor Batman. I think he's best on his own or with the Justice League. He never really works great with his sidekicks because, inevitably, the writer will make him treat them like garbage. But he raises some interesting kids who truly care for each other (sometimes. Like, you know, when Jason Todd isn't threatening to shoot them all). I like how this comic is getting Harper right in the mix, and getting Steph and Cassandra back into it. It won't satisfy the people who believe the history and stories of characters are rendered non-existent once DC changed continuity. Only maturity can rectify that as they realize that comic book continuity is always being fucked with depending on the writer, editors, and the current zeitgeist. It's just best to believe that all stories you love are true, all the stories you hate never happened, and never, ever take your cue about what to believe from the people in charge.

Justice League United #13

Yay! The Creature Commandos are back! Unless I meant "Yay! Cliff Steele is back!"

I'm always the last to know about these kinds of things but I'll act like a reporter breaking news right now and mention that Justice League United is the best Justice League book on the shelves right now. I hope it runs forever!

This issue begins in Arracourt, France in 1940 during the Korean War on Drugs. The good version of Sgt. Rock is sending Easy Company into certain danger as he splits up with them. The bad version of Sgt. Rock isn't in this comic book because 2011's Men At War was cancelled early on during The New 52 because it was terrible. Really awful. I'd say it was worse than Grifter at the time to underscore my point but I try to avoid hyperbole and lying directly to my audience, especially when the lie is as obvious as saying any comic book at all was worse than Grifter.

As Sgt. Rock goes door to door telling the French to hide their pot, he runs into Vandal Savage and my body becomes a gigantic goose pimple. Gross. The comic book isn't gross though! This may have been the best beginning to any New 52 DC You comic book I've ever read! And Robotman and the Creature Commandos have yet to appear! I feel sorry for anybody not reading this comic book. You'll be sorry when the series reaches issue #100 and every single back issue is worth a little over cover price. Boom! Investments, baby!

Are we shipping these two now? Ravage? Sgandal? Easy Company?

The next scene takes place in the present where Vandal Savage is being kidnapped by Animal Man and Alanna Strange. He's needed to save the world! I hope he doesn't meet up with Sgt. Rock's corpse or there could be trouble. And blow jobs.

Also kidnapped to work for the Justice League United are Batgirl, Cliff Steele, and John Henry Irons (also a Steel). They're somewhere in Zeta Space or something. Wherever they are, they're not on Earth because Cliff's GPS doesn't work and according to knowing things, GPS doesn't work everywhere in the universe. It isn't some magical talisman that communes with the stars to reveal a person's location in space, time, and alternate realities, Cliff. Stop being so ignorant! Now everybody is going to know that the "Robot" part of your name isn't very accurate because robots wouldn't go about saying stupid things. Unless they were programmed to sound not very smart to maintain the illusion that they have the brain of an actual man inside of them. That's just the kind of thing Niles Caulder would program into a robot he constructed to make it think it was the brain of a not very good racer!

The new team finds out the location of the current Breaker that must be broken before it destroys all time and space: Arracourt, France! DUH DUH DUN! "But that's where Vandal Savage and Sgt. Rock were last seen flirting," you gasp because you're probably like me and that's what I gasped. "That means Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage are going to be reunited once more like a scene from a mid-90s rom-com!" you sputter as you pull your dick out of your pants. Or you pull whatever ladies have in their pants out if you're a lady. Is it a crotch boobie? No, no! Don't tell me! I want to be surprised someday.

Stargirl joins Steel, Vandal, Batgirl, and Steele as they rush in to the time vortex that has descended on Arracourt. That means they'll get to encounter all of DC's legendary World War I, World War II, and Korean War on Drugs characters! My brain has a total boner!

The main problem with Justice League United's missions, as pointed out by Jason Blood last issue, is that they always come with a cost. That cost is probably the death or traumatic near death of one of their members. Last time it was Swamp Thing. Luckily Poison Ivy took him back to her lab to Florence Vaginagale him back to health. This time, Cliff Steele will probably be destroyed because he's always destroyed. Every time. It's kind of his, and Red Tornado's, thing.

Cliff's so used to it that he's actively trying to be destroyed.

Stargirl is kidnapped by the Red Baron as she tries to survey the battlefield from the air. Serves her right! Maybe she'll remember this the next time Justice League United needs somebody to work for them and she'll think about passing them a note instead.

Steel flies off with Robotman on his back to try to help Stargirl. That leaves Batgirl to fend for herself once Vandal Savage slips off on his date with Sgt. Rock.

I guess Batgirl will join forces with the Creature Commandos next issue. Stupid lying cover.

Justice League United #13 Rating: +3 Ranking. Justice League United should be rebranded as Strange Adventures or Mystery in Space because it feels more like one of those series than a Justice League book. But since it has "Justice League" in the title, I should probably compare it to the other Justice League books: it's much better! But it doesn't have Batman in it so all of the worst DC Comics fans probably aren't reading it. Plus it had that initial story about the Legion of Super-heroes coming back in time to make sure their timeline continued to exist which is always the worst kind of time travel story. The past already happened correctly, douches! Stop going back into the past of alternate timelines and ruining their futures! So that nonsense has probably kept a lot of people from returning to this title since it mysteriously reappeared on the shelves a full month after the two months full of Convergence crap. Did anybody even remember it hadn't been cancelled?! I hope it never gets cancelled!