Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2

Hey DC! Pay more attention to where you stick the credits and the UPC Code! I'm having trouble jerking off here! Although the butthole with teeth is actually helping.

Last issue ended with Steel burned and broken by Gen 13 and her crew. Unless the crew is called Gen 13 and "Gen 13" is simply Fairchild. I think I've pointed out before how I didn't read any Image comic books because I was too discerning and intelligent and artistic and dignified. If I had read Image back then, I'd probably say that I read it because of a lot of the same adjectives because whatever I did (or would have done) was (or would have been?) the smart thing to do. If not reading Image was stupid on my part, I would have read Image! Thus it was stupid to read Image because I didn't read it! Q.E.D!

I've been giving 90s Image readers a hard time lately but I figure they can handle it. They must have huge piles of self-esteem if they weren't embarrassed to actually purchase Image Comics at their local comic book store.

Hopefully this issue ends with Streaky II escaping into the New 52 universe. It'll be a shame if Streaky II is stuck in whatever Limbo this Convergence universe gets stuck in. Although it looks like the entire planet might be moving into The New 52. It'll become the planet of continuity errors! Whenever some fangirl points out a flaw in a story, the writer can just say, "Oh, well that happened on Telos!" And then everybody can be...well, not happy, exactly but they can all kind of save face and just stop talking about it.

And the cat! Don't forget Streaky II!

Who wants to bet that when Nate and Jem take off to battle the other teenage heroes, Hamilton breaks every ethical vow he's ever taken and begins shooting Steel up with Nano-Bullshit! Sure he'll save Steel's life but it's theoretically the wrong thing to do! I think theoretical ethics and metaphysical philosophy trumps reality. But that's probably why I'm not an action hero! It's taking the bullet by the horns and just diving into the shooting ring that gets shit done! Not endlessly reblogging other people's opinions and adding, "THIS!"

Steel Girl and Steel Boy head out to find Gen 13 while hoping that Parasite has already taken care of them. Of course then they'll have to deal with Parasite. Or just run from Parasite. I suppose Parasite can be the hero of Metropolis and save it from nonexistence.

John wakes up and meets Streaky II. That's when he declares he wants a hit of whatever the cat got.

"John! We...let me turn this on and set up the needles...can't inject you with these...okay, that all looks good. Prepare for the injection...nanoparticles! There's no telling what...this will only pinch for a second and then you'll have super powers...they can do to you! I won't be a part of it! It's done!"

While John probably dies from being injected by unknown crap scraped from the inside of the dome, Steel Girl and Steel Boy contemplate teaming up with Parasite. But they're heroes! They're probably going to do the stupid and the right thing to do which is helping the other teenagers to survive! Afterward, they'll probably all go out roller skating and stop by the malt shop. Oh wait. This takes place in 1994, not 1954.

Gen 13 defeats The Parasite by covering him up with a dumpster. Well, that was easy. Other characters that can be defeated by being covered by a dumpster: Green Arrow, Speedy, Merlyn, Emiko, everybody else that uses a bow and arrow, and that's about it.

Steel Girl and Steel Boy see Gen 13 defeat Parasite and they yell, "That's our cue!" Now that Gen 13 have proven they can defeat somebody way more powerful than the Steel Kids, the Steel Kids attack because they suck at strategy and tactics and thinking.

Meanwhile John Henry steals Streaky II's thunder by living through the experiment and becoming as powerful as the cat. The only difference is that Steel cares about shit and Streaky II just wants to lick its shiny metal ass.

It forms anything you think of? That would be embarrassing! I'd probably jump out of bed with boobies and vaginas popping out all over me! And maybe a few cocks but that's only because seeing a hard cock is a turn on in certain contexts! I'm not into them all by themselves! I'm so straight the Romans based their systems of roadways on me! At least I think I'm straight. Can you truly be considered straight if no woman has ever let you put your dick inside of her?

Is it gay to stick chewed up Bazooka Joe bubble gum on the tip of your dick while one of your friends does the same thing and then stick them together? I mean as an elementary school kid! Not as a grown adult on lunch break at work!

The first thing Steel imagines is a bunch of bongs on his wrist. Then he makes some bongs on his back. Then he flies off to find his niece and nephew. He arrives just in time to steal (Get it?! Steel! Steal?!) all of the credit because the kids were actually doing just fine against the Parasite-weakened Gen 13.

And Streaky II too! How dare you forget him!

Just like most battles between good guys, the heroes begin to question why they're fighting after about eight minutes of battle. That's enough for the fanboys and fangirls to wet their unmentionables with unmentionable bodily fluids. Now it's time for one side to surrender so they can team up against Telos! Which actually just means ending this story while they wait for Convergence to end in the weekly books. Which it has already but I'm about two weeks behind in my reading. Stupid life and time and sleeping!

Steel tells the Gen 13 kids that he can beat Telos because he has Telos's seed inside of him. Maybe he says nanotech but seed sounded dirtier. Everybody makes up and decides to turn their attention to Telos. But that's when the Gen 13 kids disappear back through the portals from whence they came. And, presumably, became nonexistent because remember how San Diego disappeared in Convergence: Aquaman #2?! Good thing the Wildstorm characters still exist in The New 52. Although it seems DC has decided to wipe out everything else Jim Lee created previously. I don't think the history was any great loss.

They were cool? What the fuck are you basing that on, Natasha?! The size of Grunge's bulge?

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2 Rating: This issue earned Five Railroad Spikes out of Ten because it was just a ho-hum adventure that didn't really tug at my heart strings or engage my libido. Also, Streaky II was thoroughly ignored by everybody even though he gave his normal life to save them all. Without Streaky II, Steel and the Kids couldn't have won!

Divergence: Bizarro
"Bizarro World loves Bizarro! In fact, they love him so much they devise a plan to trap him in an alternate universe just to get rid of him and his super destructive ways!"

I bet that alternate universe is The New 52 Universe! I also bet that this comic book will be confusing because Bizarro always says the opposite of what he means except for sometimes when he actually means what he means because the writer probably gets tired of the whole opposite schtick every now and then.

See? He's not Bizarro! And he wants them to keep fighting! So he deflates the ball to help out! Some of those things might not be true! Who can tell?!

Bizarro tells the readers his secret origin because it's the worst kept secret. It's basically told in the "How DC Comics Made This Comic Worse" blurb which I previously quoted. And now he's found himself on Earth! After seeing Superman, he finally knew who he was!

I am not ashamed to say I laughed at this! The dumber he is, the funnier I think I'll find him.

I'm pretty sure that his logo is painted out of ketchup and mustard he stole from Hot Dog On A Stick.

Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen enjoy watching Bizarro fly around the city causing mischief and mayhem. But then Jimmy mentions that some people think Bizarro is Superman's brother and Clark tells Jimmy that Bizarro has to go. He also puts the idea of a great road book coffee table into Jimmy's head which causes Jimmy to catch up with Bizarro and tell him all about the great land of Bizarro America: Canada. Bizarro, being an obvious genius, believes Jimmy and they load up Jimmy's Mustang and take off on the road! I hope they accidentally run over Green Arrow!

This looks silly in just the right way that I take my silly. So I'm looking forward to it. Bizarro is adorable!

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1

I have nothing worthwhile to say about Steel.

So. John Henry, steel driving man! I get it! Now that the whole joke is understood, what's left of this character? He's like a guy, right? And Superman is dead so this guy takes over or something. He's like, "Hey! Superman is dead! Job opening!" And the Super Hero Union is all, "Boo! Scab! Scab! Boo!" But Steel sticks to his hammer and he's all, "BANG! BANG! BANG!" At least while John Henry was out there protecting Metropolis, Lex Luthor had time to take a vacation. I bet with Superman dead, Luthor's blood pressure dropped like three sizes, or whatever blood pressure is measured in. Cubits?

Maybe this is just the comic book to make me fall in love with John Henry! At the very least, maybe it will provide some sweet old fashioned wank material.

I really don't know anything about Steel!

Well look at that! I nailed the most important aspect of the character! Scab!

Apparently the Dome understands the difference between Comic Book Gadgets and Closer To Real Life Gadgets. So Steel's costume still works because it's a bunch of riveted pieces of armor covering his body with jet propulsion boots. Although if he's got that organic metal, I'm going to stuff my fist straight up my ass so I can punch myself in the stomach without the muscles in the way. I don't know why I'm going to do that to myself. Self-hating hater, I guess. Anyway, so Steel's shit works but Roy Harper's cybernetic arm and Ray Palmer's Shrink-a-dink Belt ceased working because they're too comic booky, right? However it works, the day the Dome dropped over Metropolis was the day Steel became the happiest clam in shit full of methamphetamine! Unless the saying is happier than a pig wearing lipstick on a morphine drip?

By the way, the creator of Steel is writing this issue so it should be totally authentic and any arguments I might have against how well-written it is are instantly invalid. It's a good thing I already mentioned that I know nothing about the character! How embarrassing if I began telling the creator of Steel, Louise Simonson, how to write her boring character!

Judging by the decor, Steel lives in an old brewery with his niece, her cat Allie Cat who is going to become Streaky soon (I hope) because they're experimenting on the poor thing, a Professor Hamilton who was mentioned previously in the Pre-Flashpoint Universe in Superman (so that might be important! Maybe all of the Professor Hamiltons will work together to save all the cities! Or at least each of the cities that is home to a Professor Hamilton. Is there a Doc Hamilton in El Inferno?), and some kid playing a Gameboy or something. Judging by the cover, he'll be a Junior Steel along with Natasha (Ah! Satan!).

As Steel and the others are pretending that shooting a cat full of nano-particles scratched off of the inner Dome is legitimate science and not just cruelty, two people in green and yellow armor crash through the walls of the S.T.A.R. Brewery and fly out the other side as they battle.

"Holy shit! It didn't die from the bullshit I subected it to! I mean: Yes! I'm a genius! Inject some of that shit into yourselves, kids!"

Steel's fight against the Ex-Lex-Luthor Rangerbotmen begins to damage Bibbo's bar! Missiles are flying everywhere and horrible slurs are being shouted back and forth and giant hammers are smashing bad guys' lungs in! It's complete chaos! And with the odds stacked so hugely against Steel, there's no possible way he can win. Unless...unless...send in the cat!

Professor Hamilton suggests the kids put on their Junior Steel armor so they can go save Bibbo's bar. As if Bibbo needs any help! He's a rough, tough, cigar chomping, drunken, Sailor Jerry tattooed, entrepreneurial slob! And he's got a shotgun! And an attitude! Of course, he's no Sean Noonan!

Just when Natasha and Jemahl begin thinking they're the cocks of the woks, the dome drops and all the bad guys with super powers return! First up, that perennial Metropolitan baddie: Parasite! It's not as surprising as it would have been if I'd have purchased the Chip Kidd cover.

This feels like an all ages Adventures of Superman comic book! Which isn't a bad thing. That was just a neutral observation which I can sometimes make.

As Steel sends the kids to their rooms to play with the mutated cat and get wild ideas about becoming mutated children, Steel himself heads off to put down Parasite. But that's when he runs into Gen 13! I didn't recognize Fairchild because she appears in just a Boobs pose with no butt to be seen! And she's in a really modest onesie! I recognize Grunge because Fairchild uses his name and he got his ass kicked by Superboy in The New 52. But the other members of Gen 13 I know less of than I know of Steel. I think the one with the band-aid on her knee is Scrapper and the one with fringe on her boots is Trapper and the boy on fire is Crapper.

When a few of their real names are mentioned (Burnout and Freefall), it triggers the memory that they were mentioned in the final issue (or one of the final issues) of Superboy.

Steel's not so sure he should be fighting a bunch of kids no matter what a strange voice commanded. Plus they've got a bunch of crazy super powers and Steel hasn't even been injected with organic metal yet! He's going to need help which is why Natasha dives into the battle. But she forgets the cat. When the fuck is the new Streaky going to get a chance to prove herself?!

Natasha, being just an inexperienced kid, almost gets killed by Gen 13 who are fully experienced kids. Wink, wink! Steel dives into the way of their blasts and his armor is destroyed! Oh no! What is he going to do now?! It is the end for our scab hero!

But then Parasite arrives to drain Caitlin Fairchild's power! Whatever it is! Natasha grabs Steel and takes him back to the brewery to get help as Gen 13 battles Parasite. Luckily Natasha calls Steel "Uncle Steel" in public because Caitlin begins to realize that perhaps they shouldn't be fighting other people just because a loud, ominous voice tells you to. Natasha calling Steel "uncle" is a huge clue because bad guys don't have relatives! Who would make good guys fight other good guys?! The mystery thickens like gravy!

Streaky don't give a shit.

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1 Rating: I liked the tone of this comic book. I realize the book ended with Steel's back being broken but it still has a lighter, more carefree comic book tone that is often eschewed by comic book companies today unless it's an all ages comic book. A book like this with light continuity that affects the locale and the characters within that locale, sort of goofy dialogue, scientists injecting stray cats with syringes full of random shit, Bibbo...I could enjoy a comic book like this. Things don't have to be serious nor do they have to be realistic. When a book takes itself too seriously, unrealistic shit is annoying. But when a book is molded with this tone, I can more easily forgive smaller flaws that might usually make my head explode. This isn't going to be a major turning point in Steel's life long remembered by fans as a touchstone in the development in the medium of comic books. But it was stupid fun! I'll take stupid fun over a writer failing to be profound any day.

Action Comics #38

Oh god. This comic book just keeps getting scarier and scarier.

Because my father never paid any attention to me, the world now has this blog! And the only thing I've learned from it is that maybe my father was right! I'm not worth paying attention to! I don't know if I'm emotionally stable enough to read a Superman story about him returning home to find his parents waiting for him. They're going to be so sweet and nice and perfect and, even though they'll be soul sucking alien monsters, I'm still going to be envious of Clark!

This issue is called "Home is Where the Hell Is" because right?

The story begins with a flashback of eight year old Clark meeting He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Unless it's a dream. Or a hallucination. Clark can't think this is a real memory. No adult would be naive enough to believe in a god-monster that lives out in the corn fields commanding children to kill their parents. That's as silly as an immortal clown that needs a huge sacrifice every thirty years to sustain it. Or a jealous car with a will of its own! Or people calling a deadly flu Captain Trips! What a bunch of silly nonsense.

Now what is Clark up against? Some kind of "fire starter"?

Lana disappears down the end of the hallway which grows and grows and grows and now probably takes about five and a half minutes to walk down. And that's when it happens. That's when he hears his parents call out to him from the next room. Shit. I guess Smallville was established on an old Micmac burial ground.

Sometimes dead is better. Ayuh!

Clark's parents are really just the Smallville monster having a laugh at Clark's expense. But the monster is pretty good at his mimicry which causes Superman to feel a bit guilty when he thinks about how he's going to have to beat the crap out of his parents' corpses.

Untrue, Martha! The angriest person is probably the most intelligent person who is completely and utterly frustrated with having to deal with fucking stupid morons on a constant fucking basis.

Platitudes are right, Martha. Don't let anybody ever convince you that your demeanor in an argument or a debate somehow indicates how right or wrong or innocent or guilty you are. Every time I see one of those fucking true crime dramas narrated by that self-righteous lich Keith Morrison where he interviews people whose sole reason for believing somebody's guilt is due to the way the person didn't react the way they expected them to react, I realize that if I were ever to be a suspect in a murder investigation, I wouldn't stand a chance. Police guts and prosecutor intuition would deem me guilty as soon as they met me.

Clark finds out that Lana has been taken by one of the monsters and is thoroughly enjoying her memory of all the horror movies she saw as a kid. And then Clark is left alone to rebury the corpses of his parents. How is Clark going to figure out the mystery of Horrorville without Batman's help.,Or at the very least, a strong understanding of the culture of American horror stories.

Speaking of horror movies, I'm currently about an hour into Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives! It's not quite as bad as Part V but only barely. They spend even more time with overly goofy characters because the awful trend in horror in the eighties was to mix in as much comedy as gore. But the gore can't even compare to the first four movies. Just like Part V, they rely on lots of reaction shots of the person about to die then quick cuts to the weapon being thrust or swung or stabbed and then a cut back to the person dead with the weapon already in their head or stomach or whatever. At least they had the decency to basically ignore Part V. Jason Voorhees wasn't cremated like was mentioned in Part V and Tommy is played by another actor which helps me rationalize that Part V was just one of Tommy's psychotic hallucinations while in the mental hospital. One interesting aspect of this one that I'd forgotten is that it actually takes place at a summer camp full of children. The only problem is you know none of the kids are going to be killed. Although if this had been filmed in the 70s, those cabins full of kids would wind up being a bloodbath!

Once again, the movie was full of one-dimensional stereotypes. I guess that's not too different from any of the movies that never really tried too hard to flesh out the characters. They're mostly just fodder for Jason's (or his mom's) killing spree. But it's not really until Part V that they start making the characters over the top exaggerations of single character traits played simply for laughs.

The self-referential metatextual dialogue just seems amateurish and hackneyed. Apparently this movie gets credit for being some kind of Scream precursor but that's like trying to compare Spice World to the The Muppet Movie. They may be similar in execution but one is a work of art and the other is a poorly written movie that couldn't be bothered to think of a plot so they made the plot of the movie making a movie. The latter is Spice World! I said it was poorly written! And yes, I've seen Spice World (in the theater when it was released!) and reviewed it!

The best part of Part VI so far is the soundtrack since there have been three Alice Cooper songs so far. They're from Constrictor which isn't a great album but it's still Cooper! No wait. Two are from Constrictor: Teenage Frankenstein and He's Back. Hard Rock Summer is from I don't fucking know where. Maybe just the soundtrack? I only know it from the Alice Cooper Box Set, The Life and Crimes of Alice Cooper.

Anyway, back on the Kent family farm, the only people in Smallville still not turned into Tommyknockers discuss what to do next. The first thing they need to do is remove the parasites clinging to their backs. But when that proves too difficult, Superman and Steel decide to finally listen to the people of Smallville who are now all psychic superheroes. Yeah, that makes sense. Why the fuck not? All that Lois Lane with psychic powers has apparently crushed my spirit. I'll accept anything now.

The psychic Smallvillians tell Superman he needs to kill all of the monsters. But they're attached to children and it isn't the 1970s, so he's going to have to put on his post-millennial kid gloves to deal with them. Maybe put a helmet on them and tell them that anything is possible and give them all trophies?

Bah, just burn the whole fucking place to the ground.

All of these monsters have come out of the Phantom Zone and Superman needs to put them back and fix the Phantom Zone leak. Are all these creatures native to The Phantom Zone? If that's true, then Jor-el was a fucking dick sending Kryptonian supervillains into a space already inhabited by sentient beings. Or did Jor-el just stick whatever the fuck he didn't like or understand in the Phantom Zone? Maybe Clark put these creatures in the Phantom Zone? Whenever a creature in his menagerie became too hard to take care of, he'd just flush it down the Phantom Zone? Anyway, the people of Smallville were using their powers to keep the leak sealed. But then Superman confused them and now Smallville is full of monsters from Stephen King's The Mist.

Action Comics #38 Rating: No change. I guess Clark can say fucking goodbye to his secret identity. He's been dealing with one psychic person after another and eventually one of them will decide not to keep his secret for him. He's lucky Lois forgot because she'll put anything in print just to get some praise.

Action Comics #37

Come on, Superman! You couldn't save the kid's bike while you were at it?! Ass.

Last issue, Lana Lang had found herself living every horror movie ever made. I think an alien that was raised on Earth horror movies moved to Smallville and thought humans liked living in terror of everything, so it spruced the place up with horrific fog, mindless zombies, creepy Hearses, and brainwashed citizens bent on world domination through screaming and more brainwashing. I bet there's even a singing plant making some nudnik rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams.

Superman entered Horrorville to save the day but found himself trapped as well. Hopefully he doesn't get brainwashed because I'm tired of Superman constantly losing control of himself and just proving every paranoid asshole in America right that Superman is too dangerous to be free.

Hiro (Toymaster) has also been helping Superman try to save Smallville because Hiro doesn't have anything else to do and Greg Pak kind of reinvented Toymaster to make him as annoying as possible, so Pak has to use him every chance he fucking gets. I guess Hiro is the new Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy was over the moment Scott Lobdell made him a rich bastard.

Oh no! Now it's Malachi and He Who Walks Behind the Rows!

As soon as Superman is beset upon by the children of the barely a veg, he has a flashback to when he was about eight years old and there was a fire in the cornfield near school. He tries to save the day but there's this monster (He Who Walks Behind The Rows!) and then the flashback ends without a satisfactory conclusion! Just like life! And most bouts of sex! Although I think failing to orgasm and then weeping into your pillow while sobbing, "Mommy! Mommy!" is a sort of conclusion in itself.

Superman wakes up in Steel and Lana's bed. I hope they washed the sheets before bringing him in after all that anal sex they engaged in last issue. He's probably covered in shitty lube now.

Everybody in town continues to go about their business as if Smallville wasn't engulfed in a deadly mist or as if none of them were possessed by an alien entity. The only people that don't seem affected by the fog are John, Lana, and Superman. That's because they're the only characters that matter. You can't force the reader to feel emotionally attached to every person in the DC Universe! Some of them just have to be set dressing.

Hiro also winds up getting dragged into the mist by a bunch of tentacles before he can alert Batman that there's a problem. But then Hiro probably wasn't going to alert Batman since Batman would have stolen the mist's teleportation ability before Hiro could earn millions of dollars off of it. And he would have, too! Fucking Bruce Wayne.

Hiro looks like he's caught in a worm infested version of goat.se.

While the citizens of Smallville try to possess the minds of Superman, Steel, and Lana, Superman and John make the tentacled hole Hiro is caught in look even more like goat.se as they slide their hands inside and try to pull it open even further. Superman can't concentrate though so he freezes the citizens with his cold breath before going back to forcing the hole open.

Holy fuck! Is this what the goat.se guy was trying to get out of his asshole?!

Nice job, Toymaster. Now Smallville is overrun by teleporting clouds, brainwashed yokels, and monstrous aliens. Everybody is fucked.

Action Comics #37 Rating: No change. I think Lana Lang is a superhero now. Since she's an electrical engineer, suddenly she can read brainwaves and sense changes in atmospheric ionization. If that's a thing! She can probably also tell if your remote control batteries are dead just by licking them. Pretty soon she'll be flying around using the power of static electricity and shooting lightning bolts from her eyes. Why not, right? It's just science!

Action Comics #35

That stuff'll kill you, Superman.

I think this cover is supposed to say "DOOMED AFTERMATH" across it. I can't wait to find out if Superman and Brainiac are now collector's items in Preboot Brainiac's collection!

Turns out, just Brainiac (Vril Dox, to be precise) was tossed into the black hole that must not have been a very good black hole because it didn't crush him at all. Superman did wind up far from Earth though. The black hole's gravity well must have slingshot him into deep space. Far enough away that he grew a full beard on the flight back home. Now, up until this point in The New 52, I don't think Superman has done a lot of flying through deep space. He did head to Krypton's solar system on one or two occasions but it never took him sixty days to get there and back. It seemed more instantaneous. But now that he's spent sixty days "tearing non-stop through endless space," I have a few questions.

How did he breathe? We just saw in Superman Unchained that Superman needs to breathe and that he can't hold his breath for very long. I suppose he could hold it longer when a super powerful alien is not punching him in the throat. But sixty days? And did he choose a route that flew close to a bunch of yellow suns while avoiding those asshole red suns? How did he not just run out of energy and lose his power on the way home? And why does he fly straight through the rings of Saturn instead of going around? Stop fucking up our traditional view of the solar system by warping Saturn's rings, you jerk!

Anyway, Superman finally finds his way back to Earth. But is it the Earth he's actually from?! Dun dun DUN!

Well, whatever Earth he's found, Bruce Wayne is still an asshole control freak.

Supergirl meets Superman while he's falling through the sky thanks to Batman's Anti-Superman Satellite systems. Hey, you can never be too careful, right? He might have come back as Doomsday! Which, as we've seen, is only exacerbated by Kryptonite. So, you know, good job, Batman. You fucking moron.

Speaking of Doomsday, does Superman still have his Doomsday Herpes? Luckily Lois Lane was cured of her Brainiachlamydia at the end of Doomed. The Fortress of Solitude has been smashed to pieces (again! Wasn't it destroyed in Superman Unchained as well? I guess it's easy to rebuild. All Superman has to do is plant a crystal from Krypton) which means Krypto is probably running loose around the neighborhood super fucking all of the other dogs. And what must Wonder Woman be thinking? Her boyfriend has been missing for two months! I hope Wonder Woman took possession of Warworld as conciliation!

Ha ha ha! Omni your way out of that one, Shay!

Look, I'm not going to shed a tear about the disappearance of Scott Lobdell's creation, Shay Veritas, from continuity. But it just doesn't make any sense! Why would she be sucked into The Phantom Zone when she was merely a holographic projection inside the Fortress of Solitude? She can't leave The Block in the center of the Earth for comic book reasons! It looks like the editors and Greg Pak are using the aftermath of Doomed to clean house a little bit. No more easy way to shove villains into The Phantom Zone. No more Shay Veritas telling everybody the answers to everything. No more dangerous menagerie of aliens being kept for the fun of it by Superman. And Supergirl isn't done with the bad news! I bet it's that Wonder Woman and Lex Luthor are now dating.

Supergirl points out that Kandor is also missing and wonders if maybe Brainiac took it. Why doesn't she think it is also in The Phantom Zone? Every other disappearance she credits with the implosion of The Phantom Zone projector. And she's only guessing at those because she mentions how she has searched Earth for traces of Non, Mongul, and the Phantom King only to find no trace of them. Therefore, Supergirl concludes, they are in The Phantom Zone. As is Shay since she's missing. And the menagerie since it's missing. But not Kandor! Kandor is special or something.

I guess I should read further before commenting even if Supergirl spends three panels freaking out about where the Bottled City could have gone and speculating on things other than it being in The Phantom Zone. It turns out she seems to think they're inside since she's relieved to find they should be all right since there is no time in The Phantom Zone. Although time passes while inside or else nobody could ever think through a linear thought and would just be frozen in stasis. I think The Phantom Zone just recycles the same second over and over again so that it seems like linear time but nothing ages or changes.

Superman reboots the Fortress of Solitude which should regrow itself in forty days. Until then, we can all rest easy that we won't have to hear from Omniologist Shay Veritas.

Without a Fortress of Solitude, Superman decides to spend some time as Clark Kent, Investigative Journalist! So he heads to Smallville to find some clues. Or closure. Or something.

I'm dead inside so I don't care about Lana and Clark's relationship.

Clark and Lana head down to the Smallville Cemetary [sic] to visit Lana's parents since they died during Doomed. Lana lets Clark know that she resents him for not saving her parents because she knows him personally so, you know, her people are more important than other people's people. Then she takes him to meet her boyfriend. I hope it's Lex Luthor! Or Krypto!

Turns out it's John Henry Irons. It's obvious what she sees in him! He's a steel driving man!

Later Clark visits with Bruce Wayne who informs Clark that he does not have Doomsday Herpes anymore. Clark decides it's because he flew through a bunch of black holes. Bruce figures that Clark is a lying piece of shit. Clark gives Bruce a small melanoma on his scalp because take that, you smug asshole. Bruce puts an untraceable microscopic tracker inside Superman's cup of tea that is programmed to attach to the inside of Superman's urethra. Superman reads all of Bruce's secret papers with his x-ray vision while they talk. Both of them ignore the palpable, overwhelming sexual tension in the room.

Next on the list of people to get reacquainted with before finding his dog: Lois Lane.

More cleanup!

You know Clark wrote the "Who Needs Superman, Anyway?" article just to find out Lois Lane's reaction to Superman! And apparently she still loves him! Clark has a chance! Clark must have blogged the piece on Clarkcatropolis.com because Lois read it. But it only became popular after Lois reblogged it because a bunch of shallow d-bags read Lois's shitty blog but not Clark's massively intellectual and super entertaining and insightful blog! Where's my Lois? Oh! I remember! Gail Simone is my Lois! The only time anybody notices me is when Gail Simone reblogs something! I like when she likes something I've written and doesn't reblog it because then it's like a secret between us that none of her rabid fans get to share in!

Lois Lane writes a retaliatory piece explaining why Superman is needed. Which is exactly what Clark Kent wanted to hear! What a manipulative little drama weasel! What a compliment fisherman! What a great reporter! He tricked Lois into doing all the research in one article that he couldn't be bothered to perform himself! Now he knows where Baka has been and where Metallo (now Metal Zero, hero!) has been and what Martian Manhunter is doing and Supergirl and Ghost Soldier and lots of other stuff! She even tells him where to find Krypto! Clark Kent is so smart! And lazy!

Lois says some stupid shit, you know the kind she usually writes. But then Lana has a rebuttal to Lois! But Lana doesn't have a popular blog so she just stands in the Smallville Cemetary [sic] and speaks her rebuttal into the wind.

You could have asked J'onn J'onzz to save your parents, you know.

It isn't Clark that startles Lana. It's zombies! No, seriously. It's zombies. Her parents are clawing up out of their graves to eat her brains. Hopefully Clark did hear her and now he'll teach her a lesson. Let her save herself! Although recent portrayals of Lana Lang (all by Greg Pak) have led me to believe that she doesn't have a problem fighting monsters and taking care of herself. I guess she's just feeling particularly sorry for herself and mad at Clark because of her parents' deaths. I think this zombie thing will help move her past that.

Action Comics #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think a lot of comic books are going to feel like they're the best version of the comic that I've ever read now that Futures End Month is over and these comics can settle into a non-crossover rhythm for a few months.

Action Comics #32

Meet your Anti-Superman Army! Metallo! Atomic Skull! Steel! Ghost Soldier!

You know who's missing from the Anti-Superman Army? Ambush Bug. He was Superman's greatest enemy.

Like the rest of the Doomed issues, this issue begins with an article by Lois Lane. She's decided to cutely refer to the creature that will soon probably kill everybody on Earth as "Superdoom." She relates the conversation she had with him in Superman #31 which pisses me off because Scott Lobdell wrote that conversation. I thought I was done reading Scott Lobdell's version of Superman! I had cleansed myself after reading Superman #31, performed ancient rituals to purify my psyche, and sacrificed a small child to the Great Old Ones so that the dark corners of my house would no longer haunt me. That last part had little to do with Lobdell but I figured it was that time of year to clear the cobwebs.

Anyway, horrible Lobdell scripted conversation better, Lois agreed to tell the world that Superman can't be trusted. And the world went, "Oh yeah. We already got the memo. We're xenophobic, racist bastards who would rather die painfully than be saved by a guy that thinks he's better than we are. Way ahead of you, Lois."

And then Superman escaped the people who were trying to help him so he could interact with The Teen Titans for some reason. I think that reason was that Scott Lobdell just can't let go. I wonder if he thinks he wrote the best run of Teen Titans ever as opposed to the worst run?

Now Superman is on the loose in a story Greg Pak titled "Nightmare".

And Doomed devolves into the kind of Superman story I can't stand. Superman versus the government.

Lois Lane goes on to warn people that Superman is not acting like himself, so if they see him on the streets, "do not engage." It's a good thing she put out that warning our else you might have a lot of do-gooders engaging in fisticuffs with the Man of Steel thinking they can subdue him and become national heroes.

Superman knows he's becoming a danger to everybody but he still remains on Earth because fuck humanity. Why don't they leave?! If I were Superman, I'd go sit in the heart of a yellow sun and see if I couldn't boost my immune system and defeat the Doomsday Virus inside of me. Or maybe the Doomsday Virus acts like an auto-immune disorder which is why Superman is getting so bumpy and scaly? Maybe he needs to take some super prednisone?

I was already thoroughly confused as to how Superman's secret Clark Kent identity hasn't been exposed due to his dating Wonder Woman and Clark dating Diana Prince and Wonder Woman not having a secret identity before Wonder Woman begins talking to Lana Lang while trying to reach Clark Kent. Clark set up some weird emergency phone system so that if he's ever in trouble, Wonder Woman and Lana Lang would reach each other. For some reason. Because it's more important that Wonder Woman work with Lana Lang than Batman? Anyway, that isn't the part of the secret identity confusion that concerns me. Obviously these two women both know his secret, so they can talk freely about it. What concerns me is when Wonder Woman calls Clark's emergency number and a female voice on the other end answers and asks "Who is it?", Wonder Woman answers "Wonder Woman." What if it were Lois Lane on the other end? Or Cat Grant? Then Wonder Woman would have to think up an excuse as to why she's calling Clark Kent! I guess she can pretend to be one of his sources. Or she could just pretend she's cheating on Superman with Clark. Although how about just exhibiting a little more caution, Diana. Do you need to take Batman's Paranoia, Secret Identities, and Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Seminar again?

Well I'm a plumber and I took some readings too! They're farting into space as well!

The panel underneath the panel I scanned above is a shot of Wonder Woman leaping from the roof of the building. I didn't actually take any proper measurements but I'm fairly certain that 83% of Wonder Woman in that picture is bosom.

Steel suggests Superman retreat to the moon for a bit while they work on a cure. Superman's excuse for not going to the moon is that he won't abandon the comatose people of Smallville. No, of course not. You'd rather kill the entire world instead. Makes sense.

Yeah, I know his mind is fucked up from the Doomsday Virus. But that's still a sorry fucking excuse to stay. I'm sure he could have come up with a better reason like "Fuck you, Steel!" or "...!" That second quote is Superman just killing Steel quietly and burying him in an unmarked grave in the desert.

Steel's attempt to convince Superman that the moon is lovely this time of year is interrupted by an attack of the Anti-Superman Army! I guess it's just composed of Atomic Skull and Metallo. Lois is kind of part of the team as well since she's acting as Braniac's second.

Is that a popular pastime? Bottling dead fetuses?

Atomic Skull blows himself up and somehow Steel survives. Metallo blows his own ship up when Superman boards it and it explodes like a Kryptonite nuclear blast (because the ship was full of kryptonite powder) and somehow Steel survives. Superman also survives but not very well. The Kryptonite invaded his body and weakened Superman so that the Doomsday DNA could completely take over.

Clark's not here, Mrs. Torrance.

Action Comics #32 Rating: No change. Once again, the government of the United States decides that violence is the best answer to a problem! And guess what? They were wrong! Again! I think governments (as well as a lot of assholes in everybody's daily life) believe that fucking up and following it with the phrase "At least I tried something" is an acceptable way to go through life. Fuck thinking things through before acting. Fuck trying to work with other people or compromise. If there is a problem and you can do something violent to exacerbate that problem, do the violent thing! Hell, even if the violent thing doesn't cause more trouble and actually does solve the problem, I'm still against it. Violence is really just a way of changing the subject. And that's why governments (and many people) want the best weapons they can find. Because when they change the subject, they don't want the opposition to have as good an argument at the ready as they have. And of course some people don't know any other subjects but violence. You probably should avoid having disagreements with those kinds of people. Let them miss out on everything good in life while they rage and rant at everything they encounter. Meanwhile, I'll be over in the corner with this string and these kittens.

Suicide Squad #28

Who would win in a fight? OMAC's testicles or The Hulk's testicles?

So Forever Evil has been going on for about six years now but I think it's almost over! Rogue's Rebellion #5 is currently in my stack and it says "5 of 6" which means that series is almost over! And I'm making the assumption that Forever Evil must be ending sometime soon after that. Maybe a month or two after? I have a feeling that the current incarnation of the Suicide Squad is going to be obliterated by the events of this Forever Evil crossover. Why else is it the only regular non-Justice League book to have been sucked into the Vortex of Crossing Over? Even Nightwing's comic got out of telling crossover stories and he's nearly dead from Forever Evil!

Let's see who won the fight that began last issue, shall we? It was between OMAC and King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark. One other thing that is probably going to be important later is that Waller had just found Kevin Kho's virtual personality on The Thinker's laptop.

That's why I'm not successful! I don't keep a Field Journal! I'm always telling the Non-Certified Spouse that I need a scribe because I never remember any of the super hilarious things I say on a daily basis.

I bet Amanda Waller got the Journal idea from Slade Wilson! Amanda says it's a "mental journal" because Deathstork's Slade Wilson's War Journal always sounded really stupid because he wrote it in the present tense as if he were writing it as he was confronting Lobo. "So here I am standing here face to face with the most dangerous person in the...sorry, I just had to tell him to hang on a moment while I jotted this down for future reference. Who the fuck punches a guy as he's writing in his diary War Journal?" But I think she calls it her "mental journal" because it's totally crazy! Fun Fact: The Mad Hatter was originally called The Mental Hatter. Another Fun Fact: Whenever somebody begins a sentence with "fun fact," you can be assured it will neither be "fun" nor a "fact."

I suppose I'm obligated to begin Amanda Waller's Mental Journal now. Dammit.

Amanda Waller continues to drone on and on and on! She's far more verbose than Slade Wilson ever was! That first page of her Mental Journal was just two of twelve Narration Boxes full of her journal notes. And it was the two smallest boxes! No way am I going reproduce her entire Journal! If this were a paid gig, sure. No problem there! Maybe even if there were just some additional perks like free Oreos or hand jobs. Oh! Maybe if I work Oreos into every page of Amanda Waller's Mental Journal, they'll send me loads and loads of Oreos for the free advertising. I don't know who I'd have to appeal to to get the hand jobs though.

The gist of her mental journal is that, hopefully, King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark can distract OMAC long enough for Amanda Waller to shut the creature down. She was going to send it into some random dimensional portal that her team accidentally opened up a few years back but then she met Kevin. And Kevin thinks he can take back control of OMAC and save everybody's life.

I remember Kevin. And, for what it's worth, I am not optimistic in his abilities.

Luckily help is on the way!

Possibly. Who actually knows with this team?

The team parachutes into Belle Reve to help save the day. I think. Maybe they just came back to beat the shit out of Harley for dropping the Rocky Mountains on them. I'm sure they all have their own individual reasons for attending this gig. Steel's my hero of Page Six because he accidentally electrocutes James Gordon Jr. I'm glad I won't have to listen to that asshole for a few pages! Harley explains to the others that bringing OMAC back might have been a bit of a faux pas on her part and that maybe she acted a bit rashly. Especially because now he's teaching King Shark how to ballroom dance.

This won't end well.

The finale of the dance is a fantastic bit that puts one in the mind of humid summers on the New England shores watching a dog's carcass on the nearby highway get hit again and again and again by every passing motorist, until the dog becomes an unrecognizable red smear that stretches a dozen feet down the asphalt. It's grand! And terrifying! And also makes quite a mess since it involves Kama, King Shark's dad, being torn in two.

Next OMAC pulls out half an android from King Shark's belly which reminds me: what the fuck ever happened to Yo-Yo? He went from my most hated character ever created to my most favoritest new member of the Suicide Squad when it turned out he'd lived inside King Shark for many months. Being that his super powers were kind of Plastic Man-like, I can't buy that he actually died when Deadshot blew his head off. I'm sure he'll pull himself together at some point. Please?

Also whatever happened to Light Lime? She was still alive, right? I miss her!

OMAC manages to put the entire Squad down just as Captain Boomerang finally parachutes in. OMAC doesn't bother with Boomer and wanders off to find Amanda as Harley tells Deadshot the new plan: find some bullets to shoot themselves with. Hmm. That sounds like it solves all of their problems but what about the rest of the world?!

Oh. Okay. This had better work!

Deadshot puts one bullet in Harley, one in Amanda, and one in himself. And then everything goes black.

Suicide Squad #28 Rating: No change. How many times is Deadshot going to shoot himself in this comic? I didn't think the suicide part of the title was supposed to be taken so literally. Oh well. This comic book needs more Boomer.

Suicide Squad #27

At first glance, I thought Deadshot's brains were leaking out.

Here is a review of my blog: "i have no idea what's happening here"

One of the reasons I'm such a horrible writer is that I assume that people already know everything and that I don't have to explain myself. It's why I can't write critical essays about anything because I watch a movie like Boxing Helena, and I figure, "What is there to write about? It's obviously a feminist movie about the male gaze and how love and objectification are inherently intertwined to such a degree that even most people don't know when they actually love a person or they love the idea of the person that they've put upon a pedestal. At least they're unsure up until somebody hacks off their true love's arms and legs and makes them realize that they can live without that person." Or something like that. I don't know. I only saw the movie the one time many years ago. I don't even know why I brought it up just now! Fuck. This is why I'm a horrible writer!

Most people probably wouldn't even consider me a writer since they probably have only read this blog which could easily be misconstrued as "criticism." I suppose that's a valid argument although you're getting into a weird semantic place if you've decided that "critics" aren't actually "writers." I'd say you'd have to look at each case individually. Roger Ebert was a great writer and critic. Critics that think up a few puns on the title of a movie they were paid to see are not writers. They are whores (minus the sexual connotation of that meaning plus the connotation of doing anything for money multiplied by bad facial hair).

At least I'm not the "writer" that reblogged a gif set of Beyonce singing "Surfboard. Surfboard. Grainin' on that wood. Grainin', grainin' on that wood" and then captioned it with "She is literally singing about riding dick." No. NO! She is metaphorically singing about riding dick! Unless Jay-Z's penis is named "Surfboard" this is a metaphor. If she were literally singing about "riding dick," the lyrics would be, "Penis! Penis! Ridin' on that dick. Ridin', ridin' on that dick." See the difference?

So now that we've gotten past how much I suck, let's turn our attention to something that doesn't suck: your mom! Shit, there goes my bad writing again! Well, I couldn't honestly type "Suicide Squad" after saying "something that doesn't suck," could I? It's not like this comic book has been very consistent in its characters and story telling. I hear it's been cancelled which is good because it needs to go back to the drawing board. DC, leave this one in the closet until you've come up with a decent game plan for it.

When we last saw the Suicide Squad, the Rocky Mountains had fallen on top of them.

Too late! Deadshot already lit a lighter at the end of last issue! So thank him for proving there were no gas leaks.

Oh! That panel reminded me how when people begin any comment by saying, "Guys!", you know you're about to hear the most obvious bullshit ever. It usually happens when people are leaving joking comments and having fun and being facetious and then some person that thinks they're going to edumacate all the lazy, joking slackers about a thing or two pipes up to tell everyone something that they probably already fucking knew. Generally it's apparent that everybody knew what the "Guys!" Guy was going to say because the jokes wouldn't work if people didn't know what the jokes were playing off of. "But Guys! Listen! In all seriousness, this is the most important thing that was ever written because of reasons!" Fuck off, you namby-pamby titmouse!

Although maybe my annoyance of the "Guys!" people is an off-shoot of my thinking that everybody already knows everything which makes me a horrible writer?!

Power Girl showing off her Grandmaster Boob/Butt Showcase Skills. Also, take a look at the Boob Window, R.B. Silva. That's where it should be placed.

Once this group manage to get out from under the rock Power Girl is holding up, they split up to find an exit from the rubble. Deadshot and Jerko head down deeper, Captain Boomerang and Steel head up, and the Unknown Soldier and the most useful person in this situation stay put to relay messages between groups. How about a better plan? Power Girl makes a hole for them all to climb through. Laser eyes. Super strength. Ability to eat anything and not have to poo. Whatever power she chooses. She can save them all and The Unknown Soldier volunteers for her to do nothing. He must have some ulterior motive. Or else giving him super duper powers has weakened his ability to think tactically.

The next bunch of pages are spent giving readers the origins of this rag-tag group of rag-tags. I'm not sure why I need to know where Power Girl came from in the pages of Suicide Squad. It's been covered elsewhere and I don't think it needed two pages to explain that she's a hero and not one of the criminals that usually wind up in the Suicide Squad. The Unknown Soldier also gets a bit of a reminder of who he is. It's not really enough to explain anything except to those that don't already know it. And hopefully not many people know his secret origin since it was first told in Men of War and that comic book series was awful in its execution. Mediocre stories told poorly. That should be the blurb on the back cover of the Men of War Trade Paperback! "Mediocre stories told poorly--Tessatechaitea!"

The Unknown Soldier mentions his families death in "a random act of terror." I fucking hate that term. It's not a random act of terror! It's a random act of violence! The Unknown Soldier actually corrects himself later and changes it to just that phrase. A general sense of terror and unease is what is supposed to be created by these random acts of violence. But people do not die in terror bombings. They die in bombings. Stop fucking labeling everything with terror. The goal of the terrorist is to create terror. And apparently the goal of the media and government officials is exactly the same fucking thing.

Steel also gets a bit of a refresher on his origin but his is informative. He really hasn't been seen much (or at all?) since his appearance in Action Comics, so his bit explains what happened to him since then.

So let me get this straight. Waller uses vile people to do things she believes are for the greater good and Steel thinks this is wrong. So he wants to use Waller, a person vile to him, to do things he believes are for the greater good. Narcissist!

Captain Boomerang gets a bit and that's all new because he's made a few minor appearances but not yet had a secret origin. In the Preboot Universe, his secret origin was that he was a guy that learned how to throw boomerangs. But now in the Reboot Universe, he has magic boomerangs! So how'd he get those? According to his two page origin, not even he knows. Or he's at least pretending not to know. His normal boomerang throwing origin seems to be that of a young psychopath going through all the normal motions. Killing small animals. Probably setting fires. Most likely wetting the bed. And then escalating to killing tourists. His mother was one of Australia's indigenous people and seems to have found Captain Boomerang abandoned in the Outback. He also might just be called "Boomerang" instead of "Captain Boomerang" but that's confusing because doesn't Marvel have a guy just named Boomerang?

Warrant also gets a file. His amounts to "I was a Teenage Douchebag." Probably. I don't know. Why bother reading it? He's a jerk. Who calls themselves Warrant? After that mess in the eighties and/or very early nineties, that name should be as dead as Hitler and Judas. The most important part about Warrant is that he's Israeli. No wait. I fucked that up. The most important part about Warrant is that he's after Deadshot. And he doesn't know the meaning of Wanted: Dead or Alive. Mostly because of that "alive" part.

Deadshot's file is all about Deadshot remembering every bullet he's ever shot out of every gun ever. He also must be fairly delusional since he talks about putting every bullet he shoots where he meant to shoot it and planning every kill in precise detail. But he seems to be forgetting all the off-the-cuff shooting and killing he does while on Squad missions gone bad.

Anyway, everybody seems to have somebody else in their sights. Power Girl and Steel want to kill Waller. The Unknown Soldier and Boomerang want to kill Harley. Warrant wants to kill Deadshot. And Deadshot thinks about killing Harley but we all know who he's really going to kill, don't we?

I guess Warrant was too "badass" to kill even though his name was so stupid. He'll be back for an EPIC SHOWDOWN against Deadshot in an issue with a cover that screams, "WARRANT UNLEASHED!"

Everybody escapes the rubble (except Warrant. Ha ha!) and the team radios back to Waller to be picked up. Or maybe they'll use Boomerang's plane or whatever it is they used to get here. And back at Belle Reve as a Thinker-Controlled OMAC battles King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark, Amanda Waller begins a conversation with Kevin Kho on Thinker's personal computer. Kevin, OMAC's original host, is trapped within OMAC and is now probably Amanda's secret weapon.

Suicide Squad #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Fine. I enjoyed this issue even though Warrant is a stupid name. Also, I actually like Warrant's back story. But I hate his name so I will never like him ever. It was also nice to not have to read any of James Gordon, Jr's dialogue. I think Captain Boomerang needs his own comic book now. I have nothing more to say. Do real writers end their works better? Maybe I'm not a real writer! Maybe I'm just a poet and this is how poet's end things. This is how poet's end things.

Suicide Squad #24

Will this be another Forever Evil tie-in where we catch a glimpse of the eclipse? The somehow permanent, world-encompassing eclipse?

The advertisement on the back of this issue just looks like a joke show from NBC about Dracula coming out this fall. But even better, look what happens when you cover up a little bit of the image:

At least Dracula's catchphrase can still begin with "I want to suck you..."! I also added some pubes for effect.

I'm leaving that in for my Blogspot readers since I couldn't wait to share it with my Tumblr readers and have already posted it! Now I'll read about Deadshot getting manhandled by Power Girl, Captain Boomerang getting his shit smashed to pieces by Steel, and Harley Quinn looking super fucking cute in her Harley Quinn Winter Attire.

The issue begins with Amanda Waller using a new piece of bait to get Deadshot motivated to do one last mission for her. I thought she had just given him ten million dollars to come save her but when she contacts Deadshot, he tells her he and Harley are busy doing her mission. So I guess she felt fine trapped in Belle Reve with her Team 7 training and her huge fucking sack of bad ass courage. I don't mean sack as in testicles. I mean sack as in a bag in which you carry things. But now she has a new mission for him and to get him to go, she tells Floyd she has intel on a girl Floyd has been seeking. I'd guess that it was his little girl but we already saw that he gets visits from her when he does good. Maybe he lost contact with her due to the eclipse and the power outage. Or maybe Floyd just couldn't find his junior high school crush on Facebook so he told Amanda about her in the hopes Waller would seek her out for him. But now Cobra is about to get their hands on the Weather Weapon and she needs Deadshot to get a team together, head to Colorado, and find the weapon first! Shit, Amanda. No problem! The power is only out everywhere and nobody Floyd knows has the power of flight or teleportation! I'm sure he'll get right on that!

Surprise! Their first recruit is Broome Beer! I mean, Boomer! Also note that Carmine Infantino has his own ale.

Deadshot recruits Boomer for his "general underhandedness" and because he can somehow use that to get them to Colorado by the next day. Perhaps he has a Boomerang ship! Except that would just get them back to Gotham.

The guy tending bar looks kind of like Sean Noonan! But the bar is named The Manhole which, I think, is also the name of the third episode from season one of Star Trek!

Meanwhile on the roof of Belle Reve, The Thinker has a crew of ex-super-inmates working on some Super-Villainy device. King Shark is the taskmaster and if you slack, you get eaten! Jim Gordon, Jr is curious about this device, so he kidnaps some guy named Hippogriff that I've never heard of which means, being the pages of the Suicide Squad, he's in big fucking trouble.

Oh. And much sooner than I expected!

Gordon mentions that he knows why he stays while he chops up Hippogriff. This is such better motivation for him to hang around Belle Reve than because he's in love with Amanda Waller. Although he could be referencing his love for Amanda as the reason he's hanging around and he just happens to be killing a guy at the same time. I choose to believe that Matt Kindt will be doing some subtle shifting of characters around here since Ales Kot really didn't seem to give a shit about who the characters had been and just wanted to inject his ideas and story elements into them. His run wasn't bad but his characters were way off base.

King Shark is helping The Thinker and sticking around Belle Reve so he can hunt down Amanda and eat her even though he was just recently on a path of spiritual enlightenment and kombucha. So hope that shit is over and he goes back to saying very little and eating very lots. But Amanda Waller doesn't seem as stuck in Belle Reve as it seems.

See? Out on the streets recruiting some shitty little Extreme to the Max Dude, Warrant.

Amanda seems to be setting up her old team which means there probably isn't a weapon and she's simply using this chance to get control of them again. Who do they fucking think they are, running loose and free and acting on their own wants and desires? Fuck that! Their souls belong to Amanda and she will devour have them!

Amanda has also been in Australia recruiting Steel! How is she doing it?! How can she...oh yeah. The Unknown Soldier still works for her. So is that really Power Girl on the cover?! Or is it the Unknown Soldier in disguise?

The Unknown Soldier meets Steel and Warrant atop a snowy mountain because why meet in an easy location? If a hero can't get there, they aren't much of a hero, are they? When The Soldier announces that he's the leader, Warrant suddenly acts less interested in being on a team if he has to follow orders and shit. "Fuck you, Cherry Pie! I'm going to go..." Hmm. That's all the dialogue I could come up with since "Cherry Pie" is the only Warrant song title I know and why bother with the rest of the dialogue if I can't make it all about Warrant songs? Wasn't there one about a well or something?

Both teams arrive at the same time and I realize I'm just as a big an idiot as The Unknown Soldier.

We've actually seen Waller in Belle Reve speaking to Deadshot, so I believe the real Suicide Squad is working for the real Amanda. The newly formed group working under The Unknown Soldier (and me!) must have all been duped by a shapechanging Crime Syndicate member. And everybody is after OMAC! Stupid, fucking, lousy, shitty OMAC. Why such love for OMAC? Has Dan DiDio declared OMAC must be found a place somewhere or every writer at DC is going to pay by having to use plot ideas by Scott Lobdell? Was it the original OMAC comic books that brought the only joy to a young DiDio's life, ruined by bikers and clowns?

Oh, and then the page after the two Suicide Squad's rush in to kill each other, we find out that The Thinker is The Unknown Soldier's Amanda Waller. So maybe it still was the Soldier acting as Amanda but on The Thinker's orders. He probably thought Amanda was stuck in Belle Reve so he took over her job (and face) as recruiter. Amanda is stuck in Belle Reve because The Thinker's thugs have managed to get one of Amanda's collars on her. So her head will explode if she tries to leave Belle Reve. And King Shark is going to begin hunting her while Amanda's only ally inside the prison is James Gordon, Jr.

Suicide Squad #24 Rating: +3 Ranking. So far, I like the change! Forever Evil actually helped this book to easily adjust between writers. Villains Month and Forever Evil gave a nice bit of story for this thing to jump off where the Squad has been disbanded and things are really starting over from scratch. Also, is The Thinker building a new Brother Eye? What happened to the old Brother Eye? Will the Brothers Eye fight for control of OMAC?