World's End #11

Sonnet #WE11: "Father's Day"

Visage of stone which taught me how to act,
Ignoring all that I desired to be.
Imagination rectified to fact.
A miracle turned into pure fury.

A dream of God, a father far away,
Reminded me that I was not of stone
Nor flesh nor blood but love and spirit made,
Which merely left me feeling more alone.

Each voice commanded me to be like him.
And though a moth attracted to each flame,
I could not bow to each and every whim,
So chose escape and neither of their game.

And so a voice I'd known yet hardly heard
Whispered, "God and Father are both absurd."

World's End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets that ranking mostly because it was one full story instead of thirty different plot threads! And I apologize, after the fact, on some of my line stresses. But fuck it! It's 400 years after Shakespeare and even he didn't pay perfect fealty to the iambic pentameter over the message or the words he wanted to use. Besides, I only spent about forty minutes on this (including the reading and coming up with a theme and sorting the thoughts of each stanza and, well, you know...the words and syllables are the easy part!).

Futures End #27

Lois Lane, you big dumb dumb! Stop doing risky things! Billy Batson isn't in love with you and won't be there to save your ass!

Here's my new Lois Lane web comic idea that I'm sure has never, ever, ever been done before! Ever!

I'll probably never draw another one because you get the idea. She'll continually encounter things that are scoops but not the scoop you'd normally expect Lois to be interested in! Totally hilarious! In the next one, she admires a bulldozer.

This issue begins on the Isle of Can It Get Any More Boringer?! That's the island where Green Arrow trains his army of archers that will be useless against everything. Unless the entire show revolves around him and then arrows are way better than bullets and practically the only thing that ever actually wounds anybody. As opposed to real life where a guy out on the streets shooting arrows might wound one person before he gets his ass maced by some pizza delivery woman just passing by. And especially as opposed to comic books where villains have super powers and should never, ever be brought down by a guy shooting arrows. Ever! My suspension of disbelief can only be bent so far before I scream "Uncle!" And a guy shooting arrows being good enough to join the Justice League? "UNCLE MOTHERFUCKER! UNCLE!"

Although he's still way better than some jerk who can swim well and speaks with fishies.

Speedy needs two quivers because he's not as accurate as Ollie.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane discovers that two people can play that game where you creepily wait for the other person to arrive and then say, "Hello! I've been waiting for you!" And the other person is all, "How the fuck long have you been waiting? You never could have known when I'd be back!" And the first person smiles slowly and puts their dick back in their pants.

This might be my favorite Red Robin moment yet in the entire New 52! I can't stand when people think they can pull weird fucking stalkery shit on you but it's suddenly "call the police time" when you break into their apartment and steal all of their underwear.

Tim tells Lois that Madison left him and Lois says, "Because you were lying to her, right?" Fuck that nonsense! She left because her stupid feelings were hurt because Tim didn't confide in her something that he wanted to leave in his past forever! She's an immature child to feel that her expectations of Tim are more important than Tim's reality. Fuck her! I hope she's currently a Brundlefly!

Tim Drake tells Lois Lane to go parachute into the middle of the ocean and, judging by the cover, she takes his advice! Without Superman around to save her! Or Jimmy Olsen to photograph her bravery! I think her brain was fried from Billy Batson's lightning bolt.

Over on Cadmus Island, Deathstroke tells Grifter that they can't leave the island until he finishes with some unfinished business.

Oh Grifter! Now you're being entertaining? Two years too late to keep your own title alive!

Mister Miracle scouts the island and finds a medical lab where they seem to be grafting Aquawoman onto an OMAC. Or something. Sometimes it's hard to tell what an artist is trying to get across in a scene. Especially if that artist is Tony S. Daniel and he's also the writer. Man, he's horrible at choreographing his own stories so that they make sense!

The Green Arrow Army Featuring Big Barda have finally located Cadmus Island and are moving in to battle the OMACs. And back at the Wounded Duck, Plastique and Terry McBatman are relaxing with some beers and discussing steezes. Which I totally know what they are because I'm down with the hip lingo, daddy-o.

Did Tim hire Alfred to tend bar while he's stalking Lois Lane?

Also, I think I just fell a little bit in love with Plastique.

She should have her own 50s sitcom.

Terry McBatman breaks into Tim's apartment and is immediately caught by The Batman which, I think, is a huge no-no! This has time paradox written all over it! But Plastique saves the day by blowing everybody to smithereens! Yay!

Finally, Lois Lane's pilot and friend Buck allows her to jump out of his plane into the middle of the ocean. What an asshole.

Futures End #27 Rating: +1 Ranking! Plastique is just so dreamy! *SIGH* Stop looking at her, you other readers! Fuck off! She's my crush now! Also, don't tell Tig because she's an evil vampire and she might not like me looking at other comic book women.

Earth 2 #15

The word "submit" has lost its edge thanks to internet polls and questionnaires.

Last issue, The World Government and the Earth 2 Wonders and Steppenwolf's Anti-Wonders were ready to go toe to toe to toe to toes to toes to toe to toes with each other. So I suspect I'm about to read ten pages full of brawling right after a couple of pages catching us up on Hawkgirl's detectivanting* in China.

*the art of detecting and gallivanting at the same time

Or maybe we'll just skip the story altogether and get right to the epilogue!

Why waste a full fucking page on this nonsense? Is it supposed to increase the dramatic tension? I think all it increases is my blood pressure! Because you know the story is going to jump back in time and explain it all to the reader. I'd rather the comic book simply continue from the point it left off last month instead of fucking around with this faux in media res merde. Or maybe this is more in finis res. Or something. Fuck Latin! I might actually know some if my stupid college had any Latin classes that started later than six in the Goddamned morning!

Jay Garrick begins to remember on the very next page so at least not a lot of time was wasted on his lying in the grass whinging on about his faulty memory. Luckily he begins remembering right from the beginning of the attack of the Anti-Wonders which he calls "Terrors" because that's the kind of propaganda that gets things done! I suppose I wasn't much better referring to them as Anti-Wonders instead of just Wonders. For all I know, they could be fighting for Truth, Justice, and the Dehrainian Way which probably isn't all that different from what Jay and Alan and the other one are fighting for. Although the Dehrainian Way is actually the despotic ruler Steppenwolf's way right now and that probably is all about terror and anti-wondering.

Oh shit, Wesley. It's going to take a lot more than a hair dryer to defeat a guy with Omega Beams.

The second terror was yet another Purple Magic Person but this one was named Beguiler instead of Wotan. She seemed a bit of a Bunker rip-off, actually. And the last one was Bedlam who turned the "good" guys against themselves which is why The Flash has some of Red Arrow's red arrows sticking out of him.

The battle is over in nine pages as opposed to the ten I guessed. Brutaal, Bedlam, and the Beguiler (is this the B Team?) stand triumphant even though Beguiler had a gigantic hole knocked in her skull and most of her skin burnt away. With all the attackers down, Steppenwolf's B Team leave them on the battlefield and head back inside the borders of Dehrain. Because the smartest thing a super villain can do is not kill the heroes when they have the chance. It always works out for the best that way.

Jay Garrick also wonders why the Wonders were left alive. He's still new to the super hero game so he doesn't realize super villains are arrogant ass pricks that often take actions that help lead to their downfall. I'm sure Steppenwolf ordered them not to kill the Wonders because he probably has some need or use of them. Perhaps the firepits all need a Wonder at the heart of them to keep them going, like the Red Lantern inside the fire pit in South America. But then you'd expect them to take at least one of the Wonders prisoner. Maybe the Terrors just love fighting and feel the best way to extend the war is by letting the Wonders live. They were easy enough to take down on the first meeting; why should it be so hard to beat them again? Right?

Meanwhile Hawkgirl's detectivanting has led her from China to Casablanca. For a first time detectivanter, she's really good at it. The mystery of who killed Alan Scott's fiance has led to Apokolipsian technology, and parademons kept in cold storage, and now to a mysterious man in Casablanca who doesn't actually exist.

She's going to Mime School!

And then in Earth 2's version of Gotham City, Mister Miracle and Big Barda are battling Fury. I forgot about this part of the plot! Barda and Scott are searching for the new Batman because somebody named Batman has to be good at everything. And they need somebody good at everything to help them with their immigration problems. They're currently wanted by both Apokolips and the World Government but they'd really like to gain refugee status and be allowed to remain on Earth without fear of arrest. Or death. But first they have to get past Fury! And maybe some other Super Powers Figures.

I know what the arrow means: "I'm with stupid!"

Earth 2 #15 Rating: No change. And that's Earth 2. Lots of characters and not really enough pages to spend on all of the characters. It always feels like the waiter came by in the middle of my dessert and cleared my plate. I think Earth 2 should be a $3.99 comic book with back-up stories that can concentrate on one of the individual characters within the context of the overall plot. I probably wouldn't feel too badly about giving up an extra dollar if it were done well. Although knowing my shitty attitude, it's hard to believe that I'd find it done anywhere near acceptable.

If I were putting some serious effort behind these commentaries instead of just vomiting them forth into the world as I read the comic books, I'd really want to rework the ones I wrote today. I was dissatisfied with my output! Now I must go flog myself for putting forth inferior quality products. But I won't be too harsh on myself because this shit is free and nobody asked you to read it anyway!

Earth 2 Annual #1

What the world needs now is MORE BATMAN!

While half asleep last night, I came up with a plan for you to use if you ever want to scare your friends. So here's what you do if you ever find yourself with a group friends in a stark urban/lonely rural/disquieting natural landscape!

How To Properly Scare Your Friends

1. Gather your friends together.
2. Light the room with candles.
3. Invoke Satan's name loudly.
4. Begin playing a scary children's game like Bloody Mary or Ouija or Hide and Seek or Machete Tag.
5. After the game has been going for at least fifteen minutes or so, excuse yourself from the room.
6. Kill yourself.
7. Come back and haunt them!
8. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

If they don't seem to be afraid of you, look in a mirror. If you don't look like something from a Japanese Horror Movie, you might have to use your brains instead of your good looks to scare them. Try manipulating the Ouija board so it spells out, "NO MORE CANDY" or "I HAVEN'T HAD ANAL IN YEARS."

This is the super trimmed down version of my late night vision since remembering all the random thoughts that enter your half-asleep head is stupidly impossible. I really need a secretary to dictate my pre-sleep and post-waking thoughts so I stop spilling them all over the bedroom floor and losing them. I think the entire thought began with a flow chart of things to do to survive a Japanese Horror Film! The first decision was something like, "Look around at your friends? Is everybody Japanese?" If Yes then "You are fucked." Actually, it went on to ask multiple questions like "Are you making a typical stand against Japanese Cultural Homogeneity?" If Yes, then "Do you harbor any horrible secrets like the way you might have treated the fat kid in elementary school?" It would be a long string of questions that if you answer yes to all of them, you'd eventually get to the "You're fucked!" conclusion because not only will you die in the horror movie but you're most likely the cause of the horrible spirit as well!

That whole last paragraph just seems to come across as lazy because it's simply an example of something I should have just put together. And I might have, too, if I'd thought of it with a clearer head! But I don't feel like dredging up all the half-remembered ideas that I loved so much last night as I was falling asleep and now can barely grasp in the morning. That's work and, as Future Retard so eloquently put it so many years ago, work is not fun.

One more thing before I begin reading another stupid Annual: my cat's new nickname is Captain Blasters.

The American Motto: "We get it done without expending any significant time questioning what 'it' is!"

Al Pratt, now known as The Atom, is on his way to find the new Batman or defeat Steppenwolf or imperialize another country as he remembers when he finally gave some consideration to the phrase, "Get it done." At the time, his therapist was an amazingly intuitive genius that realized Al had problems because he hadn't smiled for a full year. At the beginning of that year, Al was blown up by a nuclear missile and survived. That's the kind of thing that would have me dancing in the streets! Except I'm pretty sure he has Survivor's Guilt and that can make you think all kinds of crazy things like you don't deserve to live or that God actually exists.

Al Pratt also remembers fighting vampires with Steel two and three quarters years ago. He may or may not have been a Manhunter. Two and a half years ago, his therapist asked the most important question of all.

Oh! Oh! I know! Because this is a Teen Rated comic book! Also because our patriarchy has had a serious issue with showing the penis, even when it's flaccid! I don't know if it has to do with stodgy old white men with small dicks or somehow trying to control the sexual urges of women by allowing them very few mainstream opportunities to see the male genitalia. Recently there have been more movies willing to show the flaccid penis and I say, "It's about fucking time!" Not that I was particularly clamoring for it! But I never understood why it had to be such a huge issue that my aunt kept a mental list of the handful of movies she could rent at the video store that might give her a glimpse of the dong.

So Al Pratt, The Atom, has entered Phnom Penh to seek out some guy named Henri Roy. Meanwhile Steel has a meeting with Commander Khan of the World Army. The meeting is about the Fire Pits of Earth which Sloan set up probably because he had some kind of back door deal with Darkseid. That sounded sexier than I expected. Oh, but it gets even sexier! Commander Khan wants Steel to penetrate the Fire Pit in Rio De Janeiro!

That part with Steel and Khan was just an interlude and since it didn't say, "First Interlude," I'm guessing that's going to be a story for another day. I think it's about time we learn about the new Batman and how he's going to rescue The Atom.

Except I was taken in by The Atom's disguise myself and forgot he was The Atom! Why should he need to be rescued? He just grows into a giant with atomic fists and begins getting it done. Meanwhile the newest Batman sits in the rafters doing research. Roy climbs into his Mech and runs off while Newest Batman makes his debut taking out some reinforcements so The Atom can chase after Roy who opted for the Grasshopper over the Atlas because he's more the turn and run type than the stand and blow 5,000 missiles down your opponent's throat type.

Here he is! The newest Goddamned BAAAAAATMMMMMMAAAAAAAN! (Sang to the tune of whatever fucking song is stuck in your head right now)

The Atom captures Henri Roy but that's just the backdrop for the real story. War has been declared on Steppenwolf's country of Dherain and the World Army is sending in The Atom with Red Arrow and some of the Sandmen. Also, Henri Roy's boy, Henri Junior, has been having oncoming super power headaches for some time now and Sloan wants to run some tests on him. Also also, the World Army is bringing back their Heroes Initiative to gather up heroes for their cause. Ostensibly overseen by Terry Sloan, the Heroes Initiative will be managed and run by Sonia Sato, The Atom's crush. But I think that whole war with Steppenwolf thing can wait for the regular issues. For now, let's get back to Newest Batman!

Newest Batman is busy with detective work. Seems a bunch of super villains on Earth were given their powers by Kanto of Apokolips. And Kanto has been calling in those super villains to do some work for him as payback for their special powers. Newest Batman has been trying to track down where they're going and what Kanto is up to.

Is Newest Batman a killer?

Meanwhile in the epilogue (or the prologue for Earth #13 depending on how empty or full your comic books are), Scott Free and Barda are killing dinosaurs in Gotham City's Lost Land. The Gotham of Earth 2 is full of broken down buildings and burnt out skyscrapers, lush jungles, mad scientists, and roaming dinosaurs. In other words, not half as dangerous as the Gotham City of Earth Prime. Barda and Scott are in search of Newest Batman but have found no sign of him.

They do manage to find Fury though.

Earth 2 Annual #1 Rating: It mentioned Kanto the Assassin! That should be good enough for everybody's dog's mother.

Earth 2 #11

Oh DC, you stupid fucking bastards. Dr. Fate should have been the new gay character!

When I opened up the Cover Flap to see the turn of the second half of the phrase, I became super excited to see Mister Miracle. And then I remembered this was the pretend Earth and I got super sad. This is why so many people hate the Reboot. They view the Preboot continuity as the "real" characters and have not been able to bring themselves to care about these imposters. Earth Two feels a lot like that to me. I know Scott Free will eventually appear on Earth Prime (probably in Talon in some kind of Escapapediology Contest!), so this first appearance of him on Earth Two just seems like a fantasy, a charade, a shadow puppet show put on by shadow puppets. Shut up! I know that's impossible! But that doesn't mean I can't think it. Don't put limits on my imagination, Mom! I mean, um, shut up.

Even if I think of this book's non-Justice Society characters as second class citizens whose real versions I look forward to on Earth Prime, I'm enjoying this book. There's a lot going on.

Am I the only person in the world that feels like a complete and abject failure when I begin a sentence with "There"? I feel like I'm not writing to my potential. Should I have said, "The comic book has a lot going on"? Or "This comic book weaves a rich tapestry from the individual stories of the various main characters, creating a vibrant world that takes the reader to its breast and shoves a warm, nourishing nipple against its searching and slavering tongue"? Or "When life has bared its fangs for the last time and finally ripped deep into your skull to feast on your brains and your bones and your raw, pure emotions, leaving you to lie in the dark many hours past waking as you staunchly refuse to acknowledge even your own existence because that would mean venturing out and exposing yourself to the fiery, hellish gaze of the other people walking in the glaring light of the fabricated society we all pretend we understand and fit into, this comic book acts as an abrasive to memory, cleaning out the thoughts that make you envy the last of the water that circles the drain and finally plummets into the dark abyss of the house's pipes, causing you to forget, at least for a few precious moments, the weight and the cruelty and the spastic futility of human sentience"?

Ugh. Thank you comic books and this blog and the readers for giving me a reason to keep my head above the spiraling depression that occasionally rears its stupid fucking head. At least I have something to occupy my mind before I find myself weeping on my knees in front of my bamboo curtain of Ganesha pleading with him to remove the things in my life that are causing this unknown pain and sorrow.

Yes, I did that once. The results to praying to an inanimate representation of a Hindu God? My Xbox red ringed the next day. Ha ha! Very funny, Universe! Fuck you! You know, if I were a more impressionable and less cynical person, I might be Hindu now!

Speaking of nonsense, Fate and Miracle star in this comic book I'm going to read now!

Oh, and let's not forget magic!

While Jay Garrick and the guy that will be Dr. Fate that isn't Nelson since Nelson is another guy now are trying to fetch Nabu's helmet, Wotan is outside the Tower of Doctor Fate telling stories to Jay Garrick's mom.

Wotan: "You know, I used to be a red-haired barbarian sorceress back in the day?"
Garrick's Mom: "So you're one of those transgendertrons?"
Wotan: "I can't tell if you're being insulting or fierce."
Garrick's Mom: "You're holding me hostage and you're worried about me being insulting? You want insults? I don't find it hard to believe that you've been a man and a woman because you're a total dick and a gigantic pussy."
Wotan: "Bravo! I see you fully embrace the vulgarities of the century!"
Garrick's Mom: "Fuck off, cunt puncher."

Jay Garrick's mom might become one of my favorite characters if James Robinson keeps writing her the way I imagine he's writing her!

Wotan explains to Jay's mom that many centuries ago he tried to cast an immortality spell and failed. But the spell that he did cast was an eternal memory spell so his ego and personality remained intact as he lived life after life. And he calls that spell a failure?! That's a much better spell than one that just keeps you in a single body that you have to rely on never getting chopped into tiny bits while it never dies! And you'd always fit in and you'd always know everything and you'd learn so much! Jason Blood has to keep doing lots of bureaucratic bullshit to create different identities so his immortality is never found out. Wotan can simply live every life with new family and friends and still retain her sense of self across generations! That spell was brilliant!

The only problem with Wotan's reincarnations is that she's always reborn with green skin thanks to a curse from Nabu so he can recognize her every time she comes back. That was a pretty cocky curse by Nabu, thinking he'll be alive to be attacked by her every incarnation across the centuries. Or else Nabu went on tour immediately after this and killed Green Babies everywhere he went.

Ha ha! Really cocky! Stupid fuck died almost immediately!

Meanwhile The Flash sends Khalid (that's his name!) to seek out the Helm of Nabu while The Flash tries to defeat the Great Beast. That shouldn't be too hard. I think I could do anything if I could think and act at nearly the speed of light. Everything else would be pretty much motionless, giving me time to do anything I wanted. The Great Beast should be easy to defeat! Unless magic could somehow screw that up. Stupid comic book rules. Why can't they be more like real life rules?!

The Real Flash! A Word Comic Starring The Flash in The Real World!
Jay Garrick was minding his own business when something so scientific that mankind has yet to be able to explain it gave Jay Garrick the power to run at super sonic speeds! Jay didn't understand it so he decided it must have been a gift from God. Then Jay thought, "I shall very much like to test out these super speed powers now!" And he took off really fast! His brain was instantly smashed against his skull from inertia or some other physics thing that makes sense, possibly acceleration. His organs liquified and his bones shattered and his lifeless corpse shot across the field from the momentum of his initial burst of speed, finally collapsing in some thick weeds.
The End!

The Flash finds the Great Beast and hesitates because he has self-esteem problems (according to his mom who is blabbing all of his secrets and insecurities to Wotan). This allows the Great Beast to get the jump on The Flash!

Perhaps the strange environment also caused The Flash to confusingly run right into the Great Beast's grasp.

Meanwhile Steppenwolf has discovered that Scott Free is in Gotham and he's decided to send Fury to retrieve him. He also mentions, a bit off-hand, that Scott Free is hiding in Gotham of "this Earth". Or does it simply mean that the residents of Apokolips and New Genesis here in Dimension #2 can easily move from Dimension to Dimension, so Steppenwolf needs to be clear about exactly where Scott Free has been found? Or does this mean Apokolips and New Genesis reside in a unique Dimension of its own set apart from the 52 Main Dimensions? Sort of like the Anti-Matter Universe from the Pre-Crisis DCU? If so, does that mean Cyborg's Boom Tube Technology can take the Justice League to any of these other Dimensions since it can take them to Apokolips or is the Apokolips trip simply built in to the tech for obvious reasons?

When Steppenwolf mentions Mister Miracle is in Gotham, he adds, "What's left of it." I guess Batman really is the only thing holding that place together.

Those are two of the most impressive monsters I've ever seen! Also, check out the giant ape fighting the lobster creature!

While Khalid is lost in a maze searching for the Helm of Nabu, he's having a conversation with Nabu about his real reasons for wanting to find a helmet that is simply going to supplant his consciousness and his memories with those of a long dead ancient Egyptian. It turns out Khalid's guardian was some guy named Kent Nelson and he died by mysterious circumstances. I bet he pissed off the Lords of Chaos! And then Khalid finally discovers the helmet.

Khalid accepts his role of future madman and dons the helmet to become Doctor Fate. He does it because he has come to admire Jay Garrick's ability to face fear and act when the world needs his help. And right now, Jay Garrick needs his help because super speed apparently isn't the best super power to use against The Great Beast. Maybe The Great Beast will recognize Doctor Fate as his master and become Doctor Fate's super pet. He can join up with Krypto and Batcow and Alfred the Cat and Titus and Beast Boy.

Doctor Fate saves Jay Garrick by using his other familiars that reside in the tower. I think that's what those glowing save points with the icons were. One becomes a panther type creature and the other a flaming bird. They put The Great Beast down and Doctor Fate and Jay Garrick head off to save Garrick's mom from Wotan next issue.

Meanwhile who the fuck knows what is going on with Green Lantern and Hawkgirl and Mister Terrific and Terry Sloane and The Sandmen and The Atom.

Earth 2 #11 Rating: No change. This comic had 95% less Mister Miracle than I expected it to have! It also had about 85% less Doctor Fate. And 100% less Green Lantern! It did have about 44% more Garrick's mom than I ever thought it would. Now if only one of The New 52 Comic Books would simply be about super hero mothers forming a support group and just hanging out talking and trading recipes and gabbing and also being strong women as well as those other stereotypes so that I don't sound totally sexist.