The Sandman Universe Presents: Hellblazer #1

I just want to see Constantine enter a Magic the Gathering tournament.

Holding this comic book in my hand, it would feel like being on the ground floor of an exciting and comic book changing series if not for the fact that it was written by Simon Spurrier. I'm just kidding (I'm not)! I'm sure he can do a great job (he won't). That Suicide Squad story that he wrote where the narrator was a nobody who figured he would die but then he saved the day. Unless he died. Fuck it, who can remember everything they've ever read! I'm certainly glad that I can't or else I'd have to deal with the whole of Ann Nocenti's Katana comics until the day I die (which hopefully will be soon). On the flip side, I've ready every single thing Kurt Vonnegut has ever written and I'm sure I barely remember ten percent of it. And who has time to reread it just so I can get a few pages into each chapter and say, out loud to the cat, "Oh yeah! I remember this part! This is where the humans who evolved to be more like seals still laugh at farts!"

Aw, don't take this personally, Si! I totally have faith in you! Notice I didn't put in a parenthetical reference there disagreeing with myself! That's a good sign that I'm now being earnest, right?! I've given up on being cynical because where does that get you? Partying all the time with a bunch of people who desperately want to be friends with such a cool guy as myself, really. But who has time for all that! I'm a vulnerable weeper now! I'm going to let this story touch me in ways I haven't been touched since my father first took me to see The Rescuers when I was six years old. That was not a molestation joke, you fucking perverts. My father sucked in a lot of ways but he wasn't a Goddamned fiddler of kids! That Rescuers revelation was me being sincere again! That movie made me cry my fucking eyes out and not just when I watched it for the first time. Every time I thought about Penny being so lonely, I couldn't help losing my shit. And then my mom got me a Rescuers lunch box because, I don't know, maybe she loves torturing small children with their intense feelings that they've yet to bury so deep within them that they lose the ability to wonder at the world and the last thing left to give them joy is shuffling ever faster toward the grave and thinking about the cold comfort of that destination.

What my existential dread and inability to see a vulnerable story through to the end without some kind of cynical disruption is that the original Hellblazer was a tour de force of adult story telling and this one probably won't be. But reality aside, I feel like it could possibly be and I'm starting at Issue #1 and I have to say (despite Spurrier writing it (sorry! Sorry! Won't happen again!)) I'm actually kind of excited! Oh for one wish granted that I could transport myself to the side of a Grecian Urn and retain this feeling! But I am a real life person and, so, I must accept the bitter disappointment that nothing in life is ever as good as we think it's going to be. Except for Sour Patch Kids.

But before I start! Here's a thing I hope Simon Spurrier decided not to inherit from so many past writers of Constantine: magic has a cost. Sure, make being a magician dangerous because other magicians and demons from Hell and avenging angels and cursed items used in rituals are all fucking dangerous. But enough of this bullshit "Let's think this through because magic has such a high cost I'd rather not do the magic until we are forced into a corner!" That whole "Magic has a cost!" thing is just the DC magic-user equivalent of a Green Lantern ring running low on battery power. It's a limiter to make the writer's job of telling a tense story easier. "A Green Lantern has the most powerful weapon in the universe! They can do anything with it! But, oh no, the ring has only got five percent juice left! I'm on the edge of my seat!" Just let Green Lanterns (and Constantine!) be bad-ass motherfuckers with their bad-ass motherfucking weapons! Stop writing easy and start writing well, writers!

The issue begins with Constantine lighting up a fag. That's a good sign, right?! He's allowed to smoke in Black Label comic books! Sure, he was allowed to smoke in all the other comic books he was in as well. But not in the television show! Although they always showed him exhaling smoke or in a haze of smoke whenever anybody came up on him, while he maybe mimed putting out a cigarette. Some executive may have not wanted him to smoke in the show but the writers and producers and directors and actors and grips and cameramen and lighting operators and Crafts services were all, "Let's make sure the audience knows this motherfucker smoooOOoooOOookes!"

Bah! Always a debt do! PTUI!

Years of DC magic-users casting backwards spells and magicking up solutions to problems without a hint of "always a debt do" and then, suddenly, nobody can cast a fucking cantrip without paying out of pocket somehow. I get the "always a debt due" when you're dealing with demons or devils or some other kind of help from a summoned or black magic creature. But why the fuck must all magic cost something insane?! Just let Constantine do magic but occasionally he's got to deal with more powerful creatures or magicians who want something in return. Don't make him need to pay for every little thing he does.

Something has eaten the sun so Constantine writes the word "Fuck" all over a decapitated pig's head. Can a head be described as decapitated? Isn't that the adjective for the body? Or does it only refer to both parts after separation? Anyway, you probably knew what I meant! I mean about the pig's head being separated from its body and not about how Constantine writing "Fuck" all over it will help return the sun.

Wouldn't be Hellblazer without the C-word. Although is it appropriate? I'm reading this prior to the watershed.

That's Chas's brief cameo in this new series. You might wonder how I know it's brief. Well, I read the next page where Chas dies distracting the evil monsters so that the super heroes can get the sun back. It's the quickest way for Simon to let the audience know that Constantine will do anything to save the world, even betray his friends. Plus he makes sure to say, "I've done worse for less," just to drive the point home. It's one of those revelations that would have greater impact over a long run of multiple different story arcs. But modern comic books don't understand that kind of accrued history anymore. Things have to happen quickly and in comic book shorthand, before the comic is cancelled. Plus, who wants to wait five years for sixty issues worth of history and characterization?! Spurrier knows Constantine has years of characterization and history already built up! Why not shove all of that into the first few pages of this new series and move on from there?!

Constantine takes a bit of Chas's taxi cab shrapnel in the side and now he's probably dying. Sure, he could probably save himself by casting a spell that sends five babies to Hell. But first he has to find five babies! Instead, he just runs into young Tim Hunter from the past. John is all, "Oh, hey! Tim! Remember The Books of Magic? Remember Fairie? Remember how we all hated your stupid prat face? Anyway, this is your future and the bad guy ending the world is grown up you. Jerk." Tim Hunter is all, "That's me?! I wonder if I've been laid yet! Man, just think how much my older self's dick stinks!"

Tim Hunter goes off to, I don't know, sue J.K. Rowling or something, leaving Constantine to die. But before Constantine dies, he's visited by old man Constantine. If things seem a bit crazy, it's because Constantine kept mentioning something about the world going mad or everything leading to madness or something that I didn't mention. But now I'm mentioning it so that all of this weirdness makes sense.

Old Man Constantine wants John's soul in exchange for saving him. That's a pretty good deal, really! I'd totally go for it! Give up your soul to yourself way in the future? It's like putting it away for safe keeping! How the hell do you pass up that deal?!

That was my point! Take the deal, mate!

Constantine thinks Old Man Constantine is probably a Constantine from another universe and that there'll be some kind of catch. But he's dying and he doesn't have much time to decide so he takes the deal. That'll probably be important later!

Old Man Constantine heals John, tells him to be the best John he can be, and then transports Constantine to some mental ward somewhere. Another universe without the sun being eaten? Maybe that was just the prologue to describe how Constantine leaped from the main DC Universe to the Black Label DC Universe. And now we can forget all of that Tim Hunter ending the world stuff that was so 1990s DC Vertigo weirdness. Now it's time for Constantine Unplugged! That just means he can say cunt again.

Constantine manages to talk his way out of Ravenscar psychiatric hospital and discovers he's in modern London where Brexit is happening. Or not happening. Or not not happening? I guess we'll find out the next chapter of Brexit after the special elections. Go Labour!

Constantine having a bit of a philosophical thought about his own entanglement in a comic book ret-con.

I feel bad for comic book fans who need a moment like the panels above to justify comic book continuity. Who dreams of having some kind of solid, historical timeline without any errors throughout? Especially when your main characters never age. What the fuck do they want? Magic?! Anyway, I think Spurrier does the best he can here dealing with the audience he knows he need to fucking explain every little thing to. He's just putting it right out front: "Yeah, Constantine has a bunch of memories that don't mesh at all and he's now in 2019 and he's in his thirties or something and yes he was heavily involved in the 70s punk scene and maybe just get over it, okay? You're reading a funny book about magic. Grow the fuck up."

Constantine finds Chas possessed by all the demons that meant to kill him years ago. He's dying of cancer from second-hand smoke and tells Constantine to fuck off and ruin somebody else's life. So John fucks off to go ruin somebody else's life. Or maybe to be a better version of himself. Or just to go drink himself into retirement.

Sandman Universe Presents: Hellblazer #1 Final Thoughts: I guess this is the Hellblazer #1 prologue introducing the new series starting this week in Hellblazer #1. That's going to be really confusing for my image tags if I forget that I labeled these images "Hellblazer1.jpg" and such. If the scans in this review don't seem to make any sense, it's because you're reading this a few months on and I forgot about the image tags and reused the same tags for John Constantine, Hellblazer #1 coming out this Wednesday (but which I won't probably review for another week or two). Sorry!

The Hellblazer #8

Why isn't this how we display the corpses of our ancestors?

The Review!
In this Teen Plus non-Vertigo issue of Hellblazer, Constantine almost says cunt. That's about as close as you're going to get with the Rebirth version. But at least it's better than The New 52 version! Although the DC You version wasn't so bad.

Speaking of Teen Plus comic books, a man came into my local comic book store yesterday with his daughter (she looked about eight. But what do I know about fucking kids? I don't mean what do I know about having sex with kids! Gross! I was just using the word fucking as an intensifier!). She wanted to buy an issue of Green Arrow and he was asking the owner if the issue was appropriate for a young child. Before I could say, "A few issues ago in Green Arrow, John Diggle fucked a bear in a field of heroin!", the owner pointed out that the comic was Teen Plus and might have some stuff that wouldn't be suitable for an eight year old. So her assistant took the father and daughter into the back to find a copy that wasn't sealed (it was the issue with the Badlands comic book sealed up inside). I'm assuming that once they went into the back room, some Oompa Loompas sang a song about destroying the innocence of children.

"What do you do when your kid wants some porn?
Whip them and beat them and fill them with scorn.
Let them read violence and horror and gore!
Cause if they see sex they will...become...a whore!
Just like ma and pa did!"

I told that story because I don't have anything to say about this comic book. In John's pursuit of a way to kill Djinn, he's figured out that the gang member he chased away from the old guy's house has the old guy's journal. And since a rival of his, Misabel Lefebve, is seeking the journal, John figures it must be what he needs. So they team up to go steal the book back from the French kid who stole it last issue. He's a good kid taking care of his younger sister, so I'm sure he'll die horribly.

The Ranking!
No change!

The Hellblazer #7

Paris Uber is the worst.

The Review!
This issue begins with Constantine declaring it a deal breaker if somebody puts their tea bag in after pouring the water. Usually I'm completely behind everything Constantine does or says because he's the greatest DC Comic Book Character in their entire universe¹. But I hate this fucking attitude. I'm sick of people having such strong convictions over meaningless aspects of daily life. If one more person throws a fucking fit over pineapples on pizza or does a spit-take while reading because they encounter a serial comma, I'm going to start stabbing everybody in the throat. Great. Have your fucking opinion on something that, if other people think differently, won't change your life in the least. But stop acting like you're Joan of Arc willing to be burnt at the stake in defense of your mundane opinion. Tea bag in before or after the water? Who bloody fucking cares?!

Cue people telling me I'm having in inappropriately strong conviction over something that doesn't matter in the least. Also, fuck those people. They probably can't stand it when other people chew ice on an airplane. I'm allowed to have hyperbolic reactions to things because that's what this fucking stupid blog is all about, you morons. It's like that one asshole one time who decided that he would point out all of my typos after I got done savaging Howard Mackie's writing on The Ravagers. Those are two completely different situations and if you can't see the difference, you're either willfully stupid just to feel smug or, you know, just stupid. DC had editors and was charging people money to edit his work. I only edit my reviews a month after I've written them, when I reread them for the first time just before reading the new issue of the series. If anything, that asshole would have just been helping me out in the editing phase. I think he just thought he would be humiliating me. He never responded again after I thoroughly disemboweled him with my word katana.

You're in DC Comics' Paris. The Eiffel Tower is in every single establishing shot of the city. How else would I have known Constantine was taking Paris Uber just by looking at the cover?! The filthy pigeons could have made it any city!

This issue is part one of "The Smokeless Fire." But they weren't done with the last story, were they?! I guess Mercury trapping a genie in her head while the other genie gathered the Magicians of London together to save the world and/or battle Constantine was an ending? At least for awhile? This is probably just one of those stories that needs to be told before finishing the other story because something integral to the plot in this one will be used to save the day in the other one.

The story is the story of the man Constantine and Mercury have Chunneled to Paris for help against the Djinn. The story is about an expedition he took in 1936 to a place where Djinn were said to live. Constantine first heard the story from the old man in a bar. Now he's come to Paris because he's starting to think the old man's story was true and not just an attempt to get into John's pants.

Nice synopsis panel for those of us with bad memories. I also included the next panel because John uses the word "arsehole" and Mercury references Through the Looking Glass.

Constantine and Mercury aren't the only ones trying to find Old Man Genie Killer, Esquire. A bunch of young Parisian punks have decided they're going to rob his ass. They almost run over Mercury while fast and furiousing their way to steal the old man's antiques. Mercury manages to read their minds and realizes they're after the same bloke. I guess Constantine and Mercury having a conversation while they walk to the old guy's home wasn't exciting enough for a comic book. This is the action part to keep everybody's penises in their hands. Yes, that's a sexist statement. Just wait to hear what I have to say when there's a kiss!

The old man confesses the location of his secret diary to Dante, the newest and most human of the gang². When John and Mercury arrive, Dante flees with the book as the old man lies dying of a heart attack. Mercury stays behind to save the old man's life with her, um, mind powers? I guess? Constantine takes Paris Uber out the window and onto the rooftops. But he misses his connection, falls into a bush, and is arrested by Paris cops. Dante flees back home and begins reading the diary of the old man. Well, at least Dante will know how to kill a Djinn! That could come in useful in some other story that's about Dante and not Constantine. Constantine, on the other hand, is fucked.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm disappointed that Moritat didn't do the art again. But everything else was satisfying. Except maybe that part where Constantine held a mundane conviction too strongly. __________________________
¹That I'll be mentioning in this comic book review.
²Dante had a scene earlier teaching his little sister math and promising to never leave her. The other gang members were inhuman monsters. You could tell because they didn't get any scenes in which they weren't just stereotypes.

The Hellblazer #6

Constantine's face looks like a cross between David Duchovny and a lamp post.

• It looks like we're still trying to discover the poison truth! This is part six! Exclamation points for everybody!

• While Constantine and Mercury are headed to France via the Cannibalistic Hell Tunnel (you know, the Chunnel), they have time to discuss what happened to Mercury while she searched for Abby Arcane. John also decides to tell her about the time he did mushrooms with Mercury's mom.

One time when I did mushrooms, I spent one thousand years in a time loop in the parking lot of a strip joint, was spied on the entire time by Jupiter, and invented comic books.

• One time, I pondered why you push the pause button on a DVD remote to pause the action but then you also pressed the pause button to resume the action.

• One time, I realized the secret of everything resided in the shape of a triangle due to the number three.

• I loved doing hallucinogens but I never claimed to anybody that they gave you actual insights into spirituality or the answers to the universe or helped in any other way than to pass the time in a thoroughly enjoyable manner.

• When Mercury left Swamp Thing, she wound up in the dimension where God banishes his mistakes. No wait. God probably doesn't make mistakes. It's where he banishes the creations he has grown bored with. Although can God really get bored? I mean, he's probably always bored, being omniscient. And if he's always bored, why send some creations to his Dimension of Discarded Toys? Maybe that's where creations go that he wills himself to forget about because they served their purpose. What purpose, you ask naively? God's mysterious purpose, of course! Duh!

• In the Dimension of Discarded Toys, Mercury met Adnan, the brother of the genie who wants to destroy humanity (for their own good!).

• Meanwhile, Clarice has sent out little red invitations with goat emblems on to every mage she knows. She's been forced to work with the genies and they need a bunch of magicians in their corner if they're going to defend against whatever stunt Constantine is going to pull to stop them.

• Oh, I also get an answer to a question I asked previously.

Enh. I'm still going to call them genies. Who cares what word a creature prefers when that creature is about to commit genocide.

• While Clarice convinces the other mages to work with Marid the Genie, Mercury finishes her story. Adnan helped her escape but she left him behind.

• Surprise! That was a lie! It wasn't my lie though even though it's usually my lie when I lie here like a liar. No, this was Mercury's lie. She actually did rescue Adnan from the Dimension of Discarded Toys and locked him away in her own mind prison to use later. She has this power because she's really a...well, nobody actually says. She might be a fairy or a genie or a hobgoblin or just Irish. Constantine probably already knows her secret but he's keeping it to himself to use later.

The Ranking!
No change! This issue is basically just a train ride and a cocktail party. Nobody dies or has sex. There weren't even any robots fighting. So boring.

The Hellblazer #5

Stop oversexualizing Constantine, Comic book artists!

• The huge revelation in this comic book is that genies actually exist and weren't just made up by Scheherazade. Not that that's much of a revelation since Johnny Thunder's Thunderbolt is a thing. The genies had decided not to interfere with humans so that they wouldn't be discovered. Maybe that's why Thunderbolt chose to act like he was working with a human. He could help make the world a better place while hiding in plain sight. Also, maybe nobody even fucking remembers Thunderbolt since Johnny Thunder is apparently 90 years old and stuck in an elderly care facility, according to DC's Rebirth.

• The previous bullet point took over twenty minutes to write because I asked Lord Google for the proper way to spell Scheherazade (because I'm too lazy to pick up my copy of Volume I & II of The Book of The Thousand Nights and a Night sitting on my desk in arm's reach and flip through it to get the proper spelling) and wound up on a forum where some guy was bitching about how the Magic the Gathering card, Shahrazad, should be banned from play because it annoys the fuck out of him. If that were the basis for banning cards in official Magic the Gathering tournaments, I'd have to ban every single fucking card because the people playing them annoy the fuck out of me and isn't that really the same thing?

• I don't play in Magic the Gathering tournaments anymore. Let me get out my wide brush: people who play Magic the Gathering are intolerable.

• Yes, I play (or used to play? I suppose I'd still play Sealed Deck leagues if I could stand other players) Magic the Gathering. That isn't proof against my statement.

I scanned this for the sentiment. The plums that look like pudgy little penises are a bonus.

• I often wonder why it seems like there isn't as much time during each day as I seem to remember there being. Then I think, "Oh yeah! The Internet!" What a time sink that thing is! Why isn't anybody regulating this thing?!

• That was a joke!

• The man fingering the plum is actually a genie. He's not as hyperactive as the one in Aladdin but then how many of them are? Probably not many of them. Although Aladdin was really lucky to find a genie who wasn't into cutting off the heads of everybody he met or dismembering people and hiding them in trunks. This genie wants to save mankind from itself in the usual way which probably means genocide with some additional enslavement. The woman, Clarice, is a mage who he's forcing to work with him. If she doesn't, he'll banish her to the Land of Discarded Toys. I think that's the island where Darien Wolf died to save his sister Therese.

• I guess that's a spoiler but if I don't mention what it's spoiling, it isn't really a spoiler, is it?!

• Meanwhile, Swamp Thing is declared physically unfit to continue doing a favor for Constantine. Also, the new artist draws Mercury in such a way that I instantly lose my crush on her. Apparently I never actually liked Mercury herself. I only like the way Moritat draws Mercury. Also, I like the way Moritat draws Tallulah Black. And also Charlotte the Harlot. And also Lorna Kyle. And also Gina. And...okay, every female Moritat draws, I fall in love with. And also some of the men! Like Jonah Hex! But I think that had more to do with the writing in All Star Western and less with his physique.

• Swamp Thing explains how he goes to the water closet and then disappears into the Green. Now it's up to John, Chas, and Mercury to figure out why the genies need an elemental.

• I should probably call them Djinn since that's what they call themselves. But I also would just rather use the Anglicized version. Since they don't actually exist, I'm hoping that I don't get called a disrespectful racist for not using the term they prefer.

• Ha ha. I wrote "disrespectful racist."

But genies is okay, right?!

• Constantine decides to get to know Mercury better by telling her three things he supposes she doesn't know about him and then getting three pieces of information from her that will probably help him when he needs to cast a spell on her later.

• Fact #1: Constantine can't ride a bicycle. I wonder if anybody went through every issue of Swamp Thing and Hellblazer to verify this fact or if they just went, "This is fucking Rebirth, motherfucker! Everything is what we say it is! Boom! Is this the appropriate time to drop a mic?"

• I bet his other facts are "I've never eaten peanut butter" and "I suck dicks. Lots of dicks. All the dicks."

• Mercury's number one fact is that she used to eat McDonald's. Ew! Slut!

• Constantine hates the word "moist." Boring. Fucking boring! You know who I hate more than the people I actually hate and aren't just pretending I hate to make a stupid point? People who say they hate the word "moist!" Along with moist, Mercury also hates these words: slacks, smear, squirt, nomads, Indians, and saints.

• Constantine's third fact is that he wished things had turned out differently between him and Mercury's mom. Or maybe the creepy pedo means between him and Mercury! He's about as clear on the point as The Bible is on its use of pronouns.

• Mercury's third fact is that her mom is in Cane Hill Asylum which just happens to be one left turn away from where they're currently playing John's game in the back of Chas's black cab. So they go to visit!

The bit about nobody being ready for real life is something I often think. But then how do you explain all the people running things and trying so hard to look like adults? If they're as truly not ready for real life as I continue to be then I can only think they're monsters. They're some kind of mimic desperate for other people to approve of the way they're doing the thing that gets approval from people who think that's the way they're all supposed to be. Also, it might just be about sex. You act like an adult because confidence, responsibility, and financial security are all things people look for in mates. Otherwise you just wind up fucking your next dependent.

• Mercury calls Constantine a tosser which reminds me I'm not playing Overwatch. My main character is Tracer and I always have her in her Vivienne Westwood outfit because while wearing it, she sometimes calls people she kills wankers or tossers.

• Meanwhile, it seems Simon Oliver finished the script a page too early so he threw in a scene where Swamp Thing tells his parents to go stuff it. Sort of.

The Ranking!
+1! Constantine didn't swear at all this issue! I think maybe he's been replaced by a simulacrum!

The Hellblazer #2

That motorcycle seat is so lucky.

The Commentary!
• Last issue, I was disappointed that Constantine was abandoning Mercury and Swamp Thing to find Abby on their own. But according to the cover and the picnic on the first few pages, I was mistaken! And I'm glad I was because Mercury is my new comic book crush! Some people might have begun reading this issue and thought to themselves, "Who is this adorable woman talking with Swamp Thing? Why am I so stupid and irrelevant that I can't remember her name? And why didn't Simon Oliver mention her name?! Why didn't he Lobdell this issue and begin it, 'My name is Mercury. I was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon'?" But I remember the names of all of the women Moritat draws who I inevitably get a crush on. Like Tallulah Black! And...well, I think so far it's only been Tallulah and Mercury.

• Swamp Thing is giving Mercury some insight into Constantine's character. She believes he's a "total wanker" who only cares about himself. She's mostly not wrong! Swamp Thing points out that if he really only cared about himself, he'd hide away from the real world and toss it all in the bin. But he doesn't! He keeps himself present in the real world! He saves it daily although he often sends children's souls to hell while doing it. That might be where he gets the reputation for only caring about his own ass. Most people would be all, "I would totally throw my life away to save just one child because children are precious creatures and our future and I care about our future and blah blah self-aggrandizing lies blah blah blah!" But they're idiots because they're not looking at the long game. If a train was bearing down on a child and you could save the child but you would die, it's actually a mistake to save the child. Because how many people is a stupid child going to save? Like, probably zero! But you have the ability to save children all over the place! So by keeping yourself alive, you could probably save a couple more children later in the week without throwing your life away. See? Saving the child was a dumb choice!

• Meanwhile, Chas is politely kicking Constantine out of his house so that his wife will come back.

Boris Johnson was the mayor of London until he panicked over the Brexit vote and buggered out. He's basically the Donald Trump of England, judging by his awful hair. I know the mayor of London but I couldn't tell you the current mayor of Portland, Oregon! I stopped paying attention after my step-uncle, Sam Adams, left office. You might have seen Sam in Portlandia as the mayor's assistant.

• Knob is a British slang term for penis. You know, just in case you're an American and you're not into knowing all of the slang for dicks.

• I watch a lot of British panel shows on YouTube. Currently I'm enjoying the newest seasons of Would I Lie To You? and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. I've also been watching Dara O'Briain's Go-8-Bit when I can find an episode not taken down for copyright infringement. And I'm eagerly awaiting the new season of QI!

• Constantine probably has no intention of making Chas's life easier so Chas's best hope is that John gets caught back up in the Swamp Thing road trip to The Rot story. Which, according to the title and the cover, is going to happen!

• So far there's been no mention of those angels who didn't prevent World War I! Maybe that'll take place after the advertisement.

• Chas drives Constantine around London in his black cab. I wonder if Chas not only has The Knowledge but also The Occult as well? That's probably what cab drivers call knowing all of the spooky paranormal haunted routes in London and how to traverse them without getting possessed or encased in hellfire.

• It's nice to have a British writer on Hellblazer again. Constantine just isn't Constantine without a proper British voice coming out of his mouth. Hell, it's just nice to have him back in London!

I know soccer...excuse me, football has become a lot bigger in the States over the last half decade or so but I just can't see an American writer coming up with Constantine comparing his face-off against a demon to a football match. I mean, they might! But I doubt they would have worded it like this with the whole "taken it to penalties" bit. Which reminds me! I haven't watched the latest Rob Beckett YouTube video where he plays FIFA against his friends. I can't wait until he plays Alex Brooker.

• It wasn't until I scanned it that I noticed one of Invader's Space Invader tiles behind Constantine.

• Constantine decides to meet with some of the occult power players to make sure he didn't ruffle any feathers with nearly sending everybody in London to hell. Doesn't seem anybody is too bothered with his gamble. Although he sort of pisses of Marid, the angel who wants to destroy mankind, when Constantine refuses to meet with him. Clarice Sackville is an old power player (but she doesn't look old!) who is giving Marid advice on how to deal with Constantine. I guess Marid realizes to destroy mankind, he's going to have to get past John first.

• Marid's plan also involves the Swamp Thing. So I guess that's part of how all of these stories are going to intertwine.

• Clarice gives John a secret warning that some bad shit is going down and he heads off to do some detectivanting. But he's followed by some spooky cherubs trying to look like grown ups in suits instead of floating babies in diapers. To give them the slip, he heads into the subway tunnels to look for Map. He winds up falling down a dark pit and into next issue.

• When is Mercury going to be a main character in this thing?!

The Ranking!
+2! I know he never said "cunt" but this feels more like Constantine than even the last series felt like Constantine. It just keeps getting more and more Hellblazery.

The Hellblazer #1

This is the look John gives you right before you wind up in Hell.

The Commentary!
I was going to say this is John's look right before he sucks your dick but I think I've used up my quota on using dick sucking to replace sincere thoughts and feelings. Now in my forties, it seems to be my go-to move. Back when I was a teenager, everything I wrote was filled with my over-dramatization of my feelings of unrequited love. In my twenties, my writing was full of philosophical quandaries about my direction in life. In my thirties, I began to fill my writing with a lot more whimsy and began sculpting the pretentious bullshit so that it could fit within the confines of the story or essay. And in my forties, it's all just pretty much about dick sucking. I can't wait to see what I'm writing about in my fifties! I hope it doesn't get me arrested.

This issue begins with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Some guy named Marid tries to stop the assassination but he's stopped by some other guy. Hopefully this Simon Oliver hasn't decided to steal my detectivanting idea! That's where a few upper class British men and women form a club where they gallivant around the world doing detective work. My idea was that it would become all the rage in Edwardian times and the young people who did it would be so careless and narcissistic that they would cause more trouble than good. And eventually their idle shenanigans would start a world war. Just like these miscreants in the opening to this comic book! I hope they aren't Detectivanters! I'll sue Simon Oliver for sure!

But before the reader is allowed to know any more about this great big mystery, the narrative turns back to the present where Swamp Thing is calling on John Constantine for a favor. How hard could a favor for Swamp Thing be? Water? Sunlight? Mineral supplements? Easy peasy!

John decides to talk directly to the reader to tell the story about how he came to owe Swamp Thing a favor. Twenty-two year old me is all, "Shit! Cool! So postmodern!" Forty year old me is all, "Suck a dick."

That's every time in your life if you give it about five years!

Being that the person you are in the present no longer truly resembles the person you were five to eight years ago, it really changes the perspective on going to prison for life. Eventually, you hardly recognize the version of you that committed the crime and yet you still must pay for that person's acts. A lot of people are unsympathetic to this because they have some weird belief that people don't change at all. I believe that there's an aspect of our personality that we really can't change. My first grade report card reads like a person describing who I essentially still am today. But I've also done really stupid shit when I was younger and, looking back, I can't even understand who that person was that would choose to do those things. In a real way, it's not me. It was a person who became me but it's not the me I am today. It's possible only flawed people can understand this. It's generally the people who claim they've never done anything horrible in their life who cannot forgive those who have. I'm not saying we should do away with life sentences! I mean, we should probably do away with life sentences for quite a few crimes, probably! No, what I'm saying is that I, at least, feel terrible when I see somebody who is being incarcerated for life at a young age knowing they'll never be free again. It's a strange idea that one mistake can ruin the life of the future you who will no longer resemble the person who committed the crime. Maybe we need a justice system where the victim or victim's families are in control of the sentence. Not that they get to set it! But maybe they alone can one day forgive the crime and end the sentence. Or is there just no place for redemption and forgiveness in the American justice system?

Judging by the way people on Twitter want to fucking destroy everybody who says anything they think is beyond the pale, I'd say there probably isn't.

John's story begins with Swamp Thing asking John for a favor. So John must mess up pretty royally for this to wind up a story in which John owes Swamp Thing a favor!

Oh wait. It's just that Swamp Thing did his part of the favor exchange first. He kept Wonder Woman and Shazam at bay while Constantine nearly damned everybody in London. Now it's John's turn to pay up. Swamp Thing wants Constantine to help him find Abby because she's disappeared from The Rot. I'm not sure Swamp Thing should be looking for Abby if she's missing. She's probably missing for romantic reasons and he's just going to wind up walking into a room in hell to find Abby sucking demon dick.

Constantine decides to recruit Mercury into the search because of her psychic abilities. Plus she was introduced in Rebirth and she can't just be forgotten already. She needs to have a big role in this comic book. Bigger than Chas's even, I hope, because she's cute in that way Moritat makes the women he draws cute. They're like little fuckable cartoons. I mean, they're drawn with great personalities and tons of agency!

Oh, who am I kidding? I don't care if Mercury has any agency! As long as she looks cute and acts adorable, I'm pretty happy with her characterization.

"Abby who?!"

I fucking love that look John gives the reader in the above scan. Maybe I don't mind that John interacts with the reader. He's kind of the Ferris Bueller of the DC Universe.

Mercury agrees to help Swamp Thing but sends Constantine away. That's too bad! At this point, I'm more invested in the Swamp Thing story than whatever situation Constantine is going to get into involving the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand!

Constantine goes off to pout because Mercury is more interested in a plant than his cock. Not that she'd be interested in his cock anyway because he's so old. Unless, of course, she has Daddy Issues! Hell, maybe John is her daddy! She'll fuck him for sure if that's the case.

The issue ends with the two guys who didn't stop the Great War when they had a chance. The good one who didn't stop the events that led to millions of deaths over the next century is killed by the bad one who wanted to prevent those deaths. I mean, I guess the bad one used to be the good one. Or maybe I'm using the wrong adjectives. The good one was actually the selfish one who didn't want their presence to be discovered by "the creator" which is what would have happened had they stopped the assassination. The bad one was actually the one trying to help the humans even if it risked revealing himself to "the creator". So apparently they're angels on the run. That's totally what I figured they were. Masonic angels from outer space disguised as reptilian creatures from another dimension. Totally nailed it. So anyway, the bad one who was once good has decided that it's time to completely interfere with the humans because they are ruining everything with their free will.

The Hellblazer Rebirth #1

The Commentary!
Let's try this again! Hellblazer was going along fine and dandy over in the Vertigo world when some asshole at DC Comics decided that Constantine needed to be actively engaged in their superhero universe. Most of the people enjoying Hellblazer at the time probably thought this was a really stupid idea. And I want to point out how it wasn't a really stupid idea so that I can make those snobby elitists look like royal assholes! But I'm one of them! It was a bad idea! You cannot have a John Constantine who isn't allowed to say "cunt"! It just doesn't work. DC finally realized that it doesn't work so they dumped the awful New 52 Constantine which basically consisted of John battling magic monsters and then casting a spell which will have real horrible consequences. It always worked to drive away the monster and Constantine and his mates never really had to deal with any consequences. I guess Constantine once had to make it so Zatanna never loved him while he still loved her but who the fuck cares about that?! You don't need magic to love somebody who doesn't give a shit about you!

In the re-revamped version of Constantine, DCYou's Constantine the Hellblazer, John was now allowed to swear as much as he wanted! But the letters in the swears were all replaced by pentagrams. The series was much better for it but not perfect because he still couldn't say ⍟⍟⍟⍟! DC Comics, unaware of the real problem haunting their inability to recreate the Constantine magic, killed Constantine the Hellblazer too. It was time for John Constantine to get a Rebirth! That's the comic book I'm going to read now! And I should already point out that it's not going to be very good because it's an American comic book that isn't rated for Mature Readers Only, so no way is John going to be able to say cunt. I might as well not even bother!

The issue begins with a little two page story about how John Constantine lost his home of London and was banished to New York City. It's the usual Constantine story. John pisses off a demon. Demon gets ready to make John pay. John says some things that makes the demon rethink who might be the most powerful person in the John/Demon relationship. John lights a cigarette. Demon lets John live. John adds another vastly powerful entity to his list of immortal enemies.

And maybe John said cunt? Does "lie like a cunt rug, mate" make sense?

But then Donald Trump began making a run for president and Constantine decided there were some battles he doesn't want to get caught up in, so he headed back home to London and his buddy Chas who apparently isn't dead. Whether or not he had died somewhere along the way, I have no idea anymore. And since this is a Rebirth, I don't have to know anyway! Free pass for everybody! Continuity police can reset their watches after their done sitting flummoxed in their La-Z-Boy recliners pouting and covered in nacho cheese sauce. There's not time for arguing how old Constantine might be or whether or not he's had sex with Swamp Thing! Because those things don't matter anymore! Well, I guess John's age might matter, eventually. As it is now, it doesn't matter if he lived through New York's Punk Scene or if he missed it because he was way too young. It doesn't matter if he's in love with Zatanna or if he's in love with that little blonde thing from Chelsea. Also, I might have made up the blonde thing. But that's my point! It doesn't matter!

This nameless lass is my favorite character in Rebirth so far. Maybe she'll become the new Anguished Fat Man! Vapid Stoner Girl!

Since this is Rebirth, Oliver is taking the readers on a quick synopsis of the things that now matter in Constantine's life. The most important one of those is that if John spends any appreciable time in London, his soul will leave his body due to the curse placed on him by the demon he humiliated. But Constantine has a plan to break that curse so that London can get back to being his Gotham. He never really was suited to be a New Yorker, no matter how many times the reader was told that he was on the cutting edge of the punk-magic scene and how many people he fucked in the bathrooms at CBGB.

Somebody should open a mediocre restaurant franchise and call it CBGBs. Maybe all of the boarded up TGIFridays can just rebrand without doing any renovations: CBGBurgers. That would be punk, right? Instead of a restaurant with sawdust on the floor, CBGBs can be a restaurant with sawdust falling from the ceiling! And exposed insulation on every wall! And raccoons living in the ceiling! That's punk, right?

Meanwhile a woman who lives in a hobbit hole and and raises goats is...well, sticking candles in her vagina? I'm not too clear on that. All I know is that there's suddenly another female character drawn by Moritat that I'm probably going to develop a huge crush on, candles or no candles.

I know I was making jokes about the quality of a Constantine comic book relying on whether or not he can say the word "cunt" but I didn't realize you could get away with having Constantine say "circle jerk".

I don't know how you hold a circle jerk together with old chewing gum but I'm going to find out by introducing chewing gum at my next circle jerk.

I have never believed in magic until I heard Alan Moore talk about the existence of magic. And then, through the magic of Alan Moore's words, he cast a spell on me so that I suddenly believed in magic. It was really easy to do too! He just told me to look at the definition of a magic spell and I was, "Oh yeah! Spells are cast with words and they change reality. That's just fucking words! That's making a speech! That's putting together an advertising campaign! That's convincing half of the American population that the world is burning around them and the only way to make it better is to vote in politicians who only have their own selfish interests at heart and don't give a shit about anybody else! Donald Trump is a demon summoned by the incessant rhetoric chanted by multiple Republican talking heads over the course of the last twenty years. That is real life magic and we're all going to be ass-raped by the vile and disgusting incubus the Republicans have summoned into being!"

Constantine's plan to escape the demon's curse is to transfer the curse from himself to every other resident of London. It's not that he doesn't care about the other people in London (he may or may not!), it's just that he definitely cares about himself. So even if his plan to overload the demon's realm with eight million souls all gathered at once doesn't get the demon to stop the curse, at least Constantine will still be alive!

Oliver makes sure to throw in a couple of pages of some Justice Leaguers discussing how something horrible has happened in London and it's probably Constantine's fault and that maybe they should kick his teeth down his pint of Guinness. But Swamp Thing shows up to tell Wonder Woman and Shazam to maybe stand down on this one because even though everybody in London is about to die, Constantine probably has a handle on the situation. That's good enough for Wonder Woman! Especially since Swamp Thing will be to blame if everybody dies. If anybody says, "Wonder Woman! Why didn't you do anything?!" She can just say, "Swamp Thing told me not to! It's his fault!"

Constantine and the demon engage in one of those conversations that John always manages to get started which his opponents should really know by now not to be tricked into. The smart thing to do when you've got the upper hand over Constantine is to close your eyes, cover your ears, and scream "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" until Constantine is in hell. It's because Constantine knows that the real magic is in the words. The spells are just the special effects. That's why he's more con man than magician.

This time (as with loads of other times), Constantine's speechifying was just to buy time until the hobbit, Mercury, arrived to save the day.

Not only can she swear in pentagrams, she's also psychic! So she gets the demon's name for John so he can have some power over the bastard.

With the demon's name, Constantine ends the curse and Wonder Woman doesn't have to call a press conference to explain why she let everybody in London die.

The Review!
Since the comic book couldn't say it, I'll say it here: cunt! There, now it's a complete Hellblazer comic book. Oh, excuse me: The Hellblazer. How fucking stupid is that the?! I'm fucking choking on that piece of shit the! It doesn't have to be their, DC Comics! It's fucking stupid! As you might know, it's okay to have a new comic book with the same title as the old comic book, no matter how fucking confusing it is. You've done it countless times before! Just think how many Teen Titans #1 comic books are out there! Aside from the lack of cunts and the excess number of "the"s, this comic book was a pretty great start to a new John Constantine book. We got Chas and London and Constantine humiliating a demon and a woman who hates Constantine but is going to be forced to work with him so that he doesn't destroy the world trying to save himself. He eats some curry, he smokes a cigarette, he wears a trench coat, he has blonde hair. That's pretty much all I expect from a Hellblazer comic book! I wonder how many people are upset he didn't fuck a woman and a man in this issue and were all "How dare DC erase his bisexuality!" I suppose we all have different things about Constantine that we find are important to the character. Some people only give a shit about where he sticks his dick, and other people are into his mystical battles with the forces of hell and the trail of friends' corpses he leaves in his wake. If you're into the dick aspect, you might not like this issue because he doesn't outright state what he does with it. If you're into curries, you're going to fucking love this issue because Constantine fucking wrecks a vindaloo!

Secret Origins #11

John Constantine
The secret origin of John Constantine is that his father stuck his penis in John's mother's vagina and ejaculated at least one spermatozoa which managed to swim up John's mother's lady parts (like a uvula tube or something. It's all very complicated down there) and penetrate the cell wall of one of her eggs recently ejected from one of her ovaries. It's all very much like every single one of our origins. Except our parents weren't fucking in the middle of a pentagram with dead children stacked up all around them and old men and women in black robes chanting glowing words from sulfurous books bound in human skin. Okay, maybe not your parents. But I'm pretty sure mine did since I did go to Haman the Satanic Elementary School in Santa Clara, California.

To discover the actual secret origin of John Constantine, some more of those jerks in black robes have summoned a demon to tell them the tale. But Constantine doesn't want people knowing his origin so he put up a masking spell in case of a situation like this. That means the demon is going to tell hem three stories, only one of which is true.

Come on! Even The Phantom Stranger's origin wasn't this wishy washy! At least not for the reboot.

One of his origins has him burning toys out in the yard. My first year in college at Portland State University, I could easily have burned down the entire dormitory. I had some of that shitty Brute cologne that relatives that don't know you very well purchase when you begin to get to that age where they know you're starting to stink. The only thing it was ever good for was filling a peanut butter cap full of it, setting a Dungeons and Dragons miniature into the middle of the liquid, and setting the whole thing ablaze to watch the figure melt in horror. Other fun things I did in the dorm: stared down a muscular guy that was screaming at his girlfriend in the stairwell until he turned his wrath on me, wondered what that fucking smell in the hallway was (hashish, I later found out), watched a neighbor smoking pot throw up on himself as he told me about the cockroach corpses he'd found in his room, spent an awkward evening drinking wine with an older couple sharing the room next to me and possibly contemplating asking me to join them in a three way. There was probably also a lot of masturbating. I mean by other people! I told did it with a chick or something. Probably like eight of them!

I did more stuff too! But I don't have all day to type all the cool things I accomplished that first year of college! Sheesh!

All of his stories converge at the burning his family to death moment.

Later he may or may not have done some other magical things. Also he might have worn a tie or had orange hair or masturbated while resting his chin on the edge of a dirty toilet. None of that really mattered because, once again, his story converges on a moment in Newcastle when he lost the soul of a young girl to hell, damning himself and his mates to...well, to kind of feel bad about themselves or something. Unless he beat the demon and saved the girl. I think the one where he fails but goes crazy is his television secret origin. And the one where he defeats the beast is his New 52 secret origin. And the one where he has orange hair and the young girl's severed arm is some other origin. Maybe Preboot? I really should reread my old Constantine comics!

Oh? Then I guess I don't have to reread my old comics! Thanks, John!

John Constantine Secret Origin Rating: -1 Ranking. It wasn't really much of a secret origin, was it? His family burned to death and he had a major battle for the life of an innocent in Newcastle. Already knew that stuff! The other things were all possibilities and what-nots! The story could have at least mentioned why he can't remain in London without slowly dying. That was a thing, right? But if John says it doesn't matter, I guess it doesn't matter. But he could have mentioned that to DC Comics before they chose to feature him in a comic book called Secret Origins! Fucking rip-off is what this was!

Guy Gardner
Guy Gardner was this angry guy that didn't have any fear and was given a ring by the Green Lantern Corps because the rings don't have a very good interview process. They just fly up to a person and say, "Mister Jones of Sector Whatever, you have the ability to overcome great fear. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And then whatever sociopath it chose gets to wield the most powerful weapon in the universe! And that's how Guy Gardner was given more power than he deserved to have!

Fucking hell. Then why did I buy this fucking comic booK?!

When Guy Gardner was a boy, nobody loved him. Boo fucking hoo. Wah wah wah! First his mother died. World's tiniest violin much? Then his brother would beat him up on a regular basis. Does baby need a nappy? And then Guy broke his brother's arm while defending his sister so brother couldn't beat him up anymore. That meant it was dad's turn to punch him! God, I'm running out of sarcastic ways to point out how much I don't care!

Well, that makes up for all that bullshit then! Thanks for the mediocre apology! Those beatings are totally forgotten now!

What I think the story is hinting at is that Guy Gardner had a tough childhood.

The whole family became cops and everything was good again! Not really because Guy's father was still a miserable, bitter asshole and Guy actually cared what his father thought for some reason. Look, some people just wind up having assholes for relatives. You don't have to make excuses for them over and over again just to have them in your life. I wish more people realized how easy it is to cut an asshole out of your life even if they're related to you. It's possible it's not as easy for other people because other people feel love and emotions and connections and shit like that.

Eventually Guy Gardner becomes a Green Lantern because the Green Lantern Corps has some kind of fetish for human beings. You assholes do know there are millions of other inhabited planets in Sector 2814, right? You don't have to choose them all from Earth!

Guy Gardner has so much anger inside that he eventually becomes a Red Lantern. I'm trying to find some compassion for him but I just love to point out how cliche his past was and don't have the willpower to stop myself. I fear I may have gone too far but I hope I didn't. Um, greed.

Guy Gardner Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a recounting of all the shit Guy's been through so far in The New 52. For somebody who has been reading all of the books with Guy in it, this holds no surprises. I think. Maybe the brother beating the shit out of him was new. Anyway, it might have been enlightening for readers that haven't cared about Guy at all since the Reboot. But then why would they care about this story too?

Black Canary
Black Canary's secret origin is that she gained the power to scream people's heads off while working for Team 8. Unless it was Team 7. Six maybe? I forget how she gained the power but at the beginning of the Team 7 comic book, she didn't have any powers. And by the end of it when Gamorra sunk beneath the ocean, she had the power to scream. I think it had something to do with the Majestic Project. Unless it was something else. I don't really remember. But who cares about any of that since Grifter is in this story!

From Grifter's perspective, this panel is full of his own Narration Boxes.

This story takes place immediately following the destruction of Gamorra. Black Canary has chosen to get the fuck out of New Atlantis with the skull of Pandora instead of searching for Kurt's body lost somewhere in the chaos below. As she swats a few of Grifter's Narration Boxes out of her way and settles down in the seat next to Stever Trevor, she decides to have a Secret Origin flashback! That's when she remembers how she developed her secret powers due to secret experiments she agreed to submit to while on Team 7.

And then she becomes the lead singer of the band Ashes On Sunday! I know I skipped some parts but I don't think they were very important. Although I think she got the name of her band at Kurt's funeral where somebody's ashes were buried and it was probably Sunday.

The government (or whoever was in charge of Team 7) decides they need to make Dinah disappear but she disappears herself first. And that's basically why she's been on the run since the Reboot started. Or something.

Black Canary Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't have anything more to add to the Black Canary stuff. Once again, it was mostly stuff told in other stories. I am glad that this is the final issue of Secret Origins though! The problem I've always had with DC's Secret Origin books is that the characters that I'm interested in, I already know everything they tell me (and they rarely try to tell the story in a new and interesting way). And the characters that I don't know anything about, I'm never interested in! Otherwise I'd already know their secret origins! DC's Who's Who was always a better way to approach the history of their characters. You get a lot more into one book and you can just summarize their stories and their powers without telling a story that's been told and rehashed dozens of times before. Good riddance, Secret Origins!

Pandora #9

According to Bioshock Infinite, being born again makes you a big fucking dickhole racist dirtbag piece of shit.

In the last episode of Forever Evil: The Blighted Years, Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft teamed up with Trigon's sons, Belial, Orcus, and Demogorgon. They are now on their way to destroy the Thaumaton which they probably won't do any time soon because the big evil person the Thaumaton was created to destroy won't be revealed until Forever Evil #7. I imagine. So we should just sit back and watch DC's magic users tread water for a few more weeks.

Also John Constantine was currently on his way to Hell while Nick Necro lay bleeding out on the floor beside the pit to Hell. And Swamp Thing was flipping the fuck out because "flipping the fuck out" and "Whoops!" are like my catch phrases and shit! I probably have more but who can remember them? It's actually easier to spit out new phrases than to remember phrases that I should constantly use. I was going to keep bringing back Batgirl's advice when she asked herself "Am I being a jerk right now?" but I never did that! Another stupid quote I wanted to keep coming back to was when Deathstroke said, "I don't know why but I feel a 'Your mom' joke coming on." I mean, that's A++ Gold Material, right?! I think that idiot Liefeld wrote that one but I wouldn't bet my masturbation time on it.

I don't think there's going to be much to talk about this issue. It's just going to be a decently written, issue long mystic battle in Nanda Parbat. Maybe that's a good thing! I should just embrace not needing to comment on every little thing in the comic book and just throw out some bullet points! It's not like this issue is going to advance the Forever Evil: Blight story line by anything but the most minutest of measurements! So let's hit the main points.

Constantine is saved by Zauriel before this Rhymer Demon can finish his quatrain with the word "fuck."

Black Orchid makes me think disgusting thoughts and ponder if IKEA sells Thaumatons for home use.

If that hairy demon in the above panel were wearing roller skates, I'd swear on my life I once saw him back in the 80s on James Gabbert's KOFY-TV 20 Dance Party.

The Swamp Thing becomes the gigantic mystery creature that Nick Necro saw attacking the Thaumaton in his earlier visions. I think. It might not matter because Faust blasts the Swamp Thing into mulch with his magnificent machine powered by 500 young boys and/or magic users. Faust also casts his final spell which gives him the power and knowledge of all the magic users in the DC Universe. Why would he save that as his last spell? That seems like a pretty useful bit of magic! I bet it's a last ditch spell because it ends with his head exploding.

Once again, Faust tries to convince the Mini-Justice League Dark that the Thaumaton was built to save the world and by trying to destroy it, they are allowing humankind to fall to whatever has followed the Crime Syndicate to New Earth. But fuck Faust! He's a hideous looking ghoul which means he must be lying! Only good looking people can be trusted to save the world!

Faust says some interesting stuff that I might want to remember some day, so I'll just leave it here.

So what is Pandora? If she's not human, is she fictional? If she's not from this universe, is she from the Preboot Universe? She was there at Flashpoint and witnessed the merging and changing of the Preboot worlds. Faust doesn't actually give anybody any new information here. This is really just a general reminder that Pandora is more than one of the Trinity of Sin; she's more than just a woman that brought The Seven Deadly Sins into the world. She's a key figure in the creation of The New 52 and I think her real part to play has barely been hinted at.

Faust begins to magically rebuild the Thaumaton while simultaneously re-enslaving all of his former captives. But Constantine whacks him on the back of the head with what I can only assume he calls a tally whacker, knocking Faust the fuck out.

See the title? Just like I said! An issue long battle! I think that's just enough experience points to raise my Comic Book Reader Level! You're now looking at a Master Comic Book Reader of the East Wind!

Pandora #9 Rating: No change. Next issue is the conclusion to Forever Evil: Blight! Also next week, the conclusion to Rogues Rebellion and Arkham War! The end of Forever Evil is in sight! Huzzah! For your information, I only say "Huzzah" ironically!

Justice League Dark #25

This looks almost exactly like my first sexual experience.

I guess Forever Evil: Blight is now well and truly under way even though it isn't mentioned anywhere on the cover. I only know this is the second installment because of the advert in Red Lanterns #25 that informed me of this huge crossover that won't be done until March. As long as most of the issues don't just seem like filler, I'm good with a crossover. I mean, you have to do something with all those long stretches of time before death.

Last issue, Constantine, The Nightmare Nurse, The House of Mystery, and Chia Swamp Thing had summoned Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and The Question to the Rock of Eternity. I think this is Justice League Dark's first recruitment drive. It's like those issues of Justice League when all the heroes gather aboard the Watchtower to be judged worthy by Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman. I think I'd do well in an interview with Batman because I'm equal parts grim and sassy but I don't think I'd cut Superman's mustard. I can't even imagine what Wonder Woman would expect out of me. Hug a murderer? Put a small animal out of its misery? Discuss the dynamic between power and gender in Austen's Pride and Prejudice?

Upon opening up the comic book, it looks like I've gotten ahead of myself. The Rock of Eternity Recruitment Drive probably gets set up later in this issue since Justice League Dark #24 ended with Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse and Chia Swamp Thing and The House of Mystery just beginning to formulate a plan to save the rest of Justice League Dark. It looks like the real Swamp Thing is going to take some offense at Chia Swamp Thing being on the team and make an abrupt appearance. Which is good since he's one of the heroes Constantine is trying to locate.

There are a couple of things wrong here what with the "it's" having an apostrophe and the fact that John calls her an it right after being told how she identifies. But that's not what I want to talk about after this caption.

The British have done a lot of stuff that I truly admire and often incorporate into my being. But fuck howdy, this rhyming slang is truly the most awful thing I've ever encountered. John uses a good example here why it's so awful. Just from context, you might have gathered that he's referring to breasts when he says "bristols." Bristols is, of course, rhyming slang for titties. Oh, you're confused? That's because rhyming slang tries to be some kind of secret code. So the rhyming slang of titties is actually "Bristol Cities." But then rhyming slang drops the actual rhyming part and you're left with "bristol" or "bristols." Because rhyming slang is a kind of code for those in the know and to keep others apart. But, and this is why it's so terrible, you can almost always figure out what the fuck a person is talking about from context. Although you won't have any fucking idea why they're using the word they're using for the rhyming slang! I'm absolutely sure that I'm being insensitive to some cultural reason as to why it evolved the way it did but I don't fucking care! It's stupid. And I'm just glad that I very rarely run into it. Actually, it's probably truer to say I have no fucking idea when I run into it and often just walk away confused whenever I hear it!

After spouting off about being culturally insensitive, I decided to read up on rhyming slang. Sure, I only read the Wikipedia entry but it was actually really interesting and helpful! Especially learning that "berk" is rhyming slang for "cunt!" I had an online friend from Australia that went by the name of "Berk" (This is her at the bottom of the page with the candle)! I wish I hadn't lost contact with her so that I can tell her I finally get it! The page was also informative in teaching me the slang terms I knew but didn't realize they came from rhyming slang. Just as I said earlier in that I've probably encountered it and just didn't have a fucking clue because the final word is so obfuscated from the creation of itself.

While I might think it's fairly ridiculous, it's definitely not an uninteresting aspect of the games people play with language. And by "not uninteresting," I actually mean kind of amazingly fascinating.

As John lets The Nightmare Nurse know that Swamp Thing is not going to sit by and allow himself to be duplicated, Chia Swamp Thing gives birth.

I'm fairly certain that plants don't actually give birth like this so you're not actually looking at what you think you're looking at.

The Swamp Thing agrees to help Constantine and the Nightmare Nurse because The John ("John Constantine" = "The Green"!) is a trifle miffed about the sun having been blotted out. Even though it's only blotted out in very small areas. Maybe by this time, Ultraman has moved the moon closer to the Earth so the darkness covers more ground!

John, Swamp Thing, and Nightmare Nurse begin casting some spells to locate Zatanna and the lost members of the Justice Leagues. But some kind of dark magic full of mutated spells is blocking their attempts.

I'm fairly certain that plants don't actually have the same physiology as people, so you're not actually looking at what you think you're looking at.

The mutated spells try to infect John's mind so he needs to drink a homeopathic brew that the Nightmare Nurse gives him. So, you know, she gives him a glass of water. All better!

John comes up with a plan to save Zatanna and defeat the Crime Syndicate: they must kill evil! Which, technically speaking, means they have to travel into Mankind's Collective Unconscious and battle symbols and archetypes! I hope they know which ones represent evil because that place can get confusing. I think as long as they defeat all the monkeys they find, they'll be good to go.

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, The Sea King (The Crime Syndicate's version of Aquaman. Unless his name was something different) comes back to life. He doesn't remember who he is which would be a great relief to him if he could only remember who he was. Now he gets to start over! Remake himself! No longer be the chump of the Crime Syndicate! He will find respect on this new world! He will never be laughed at again! And he will go by the name...Aquaman!

In the Collective Unconscious, John, Swampy, and Asa discover The Blight. But it's too powerful and it knows them too well since it is, you know, a part of them. So the Mini-Justice League Dark decide to make a run for it. It looks like they're going to have to try something else. I suggest they go see Mad Hettie for some clues!

Back in San Francisco, Cassandra Craft is kidnapped by a bunch of demons and taken back to Thaumaton to take part in The Project. That's as clear as I can make it! Oh, and she's blind! And her boyfriend, Liam, is left unconscious on the floor. What is it all about? I don't know! Stop asking questions that can't be answered yet!

Returning from their trip cut short, The Mini-Justice League Dark decide to find another way to battle The Blight. John decides to get naked, sacrifice some goats, and summon up The Trinity of Sin. Supposedly, they're experts at evil. But really, they're just more goats lying on the floor with their throats cut. What the fuck have they really done that's evil? They might be experts on spending centuries punished unjustly. And they might be quite knowledgeable on cloaks and trench coats. But I think there were probably some far better choices if you wanted people that really understood evil. Like maybe Trigon?

Justice League Dark #25 Rating: No change. I think I prefer a Justice League Dark without Zatanna. I definitely prefer a Justice League Dark without Madame Xanadu. Although I think they need to add either Etrigan or Black Orchid to the team. Oh fuck it. Why not both?

Constantine #8

The joke is on Sargon. Constantine doesn't have a heart. He just keeps his lunch in his chest cavity. Today, he was having pomegranate.

I hope, if you're American, your Thanksgiving dinner went better than mine. We were attacked by a roving band of wraiths recently raised by a hipster coven. It happens more often than you'd think here in Portland. Anyway, I was wounded and lost a shit-ton of experience points. Sadly, I'm now only an Apprentice Comic Book Reader. But at least I have leftovers! Does anybody know the best way to reheat wraith?

Last issue, Constantine hate-fucked Sargon the Sorceress while Tannarak was busy stealing all of the magic to split with Mister E and Sargon. Normally I would have said Sargon fucked Constantine since she was the instigator of the sexual liaison but then I couldn't have uses the phrase "hate-fucked." Sargon thoroughly enjoyed the hate-fucking, by the way. It's her version of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Sorry to any readers that are offended by my acknowledgement that corporate products exist and my use of their advertising as a cultural point of reference. I know it must be truly hard to have to hear that, especially after putting so much effort into calling everything by their non-branded names like "adhesive bandage" and "tissue" and "large square garbage receptacle" and "somehow less-than-satisfying peanut butter cup that I'll pretend is just as delicious as the famous one."

This issue begins with Constantine playing chess with older Constantine, probably in some post-sexual mindscape. But that's just a guess from an Apprentice Comic Book Reader who's really just beginning to find his footing in this strange four-colored medium. Unless it has more now. And maybe it's not a medium.

You know how many kids I had to kill during Chess Club because they wouldn't let me take back a move I just noticed I didn't want to make but my fingers had come off the piece? Who wants to play chess to win by careless mistakes? I say let your opponent take back any move she just made if you've yet to make your move! Chess is about defeating the best possible opponent you can. If you just want to win by any means necessary, go into politics.

Mister E has just smashed his Stormbringer Cane into John's back which has caused John to regress inside of his mind for advice from the chess playing old man that is apparently named George. I might remember him from Hellblazer if I hadn't been drained of so much experience yesterday. After chatting with Mind George, he decides on a plan: turn the white bishop into a black bishop! That'll surprise Mister E! Somehow! Probably in some racist way because Mister E is practically Foghorn Leghorn and that fucker was a rich, white plantation rooster.

"Ah say, Ah say son. Yah jus' like a tattoo. Gets under the skin, Ah mean."

John and Mister E engage in some magic sparring which gives Mister E a chance to say "matrix tricks" in Old Portugese [sic]. And it's the chance I've been waiting for! I finally have the last letter in the alphabet: "X"! I know "Z" is the last letter! You don't think I can sing? I meant the last letter that I didn't have a symbol for, jerko!

"You know what else gets under your skin? Treponema pallidum!"

Then John sticks his Moonsword up Mister E's backside and the battle is over. Oh yeah! Forget the blind man hitting you in the back of the head; this is how sex usually ends!

Meanwhile some old guy with a blindfold has been watching the encounter through his crystal ball. He was probably just watching for Sargon sitting on Constantine's face but then that whole fight broke out. Except he had a blindfold on. Maybe he loves porn but is really ashamed of loving porn and so he wears a nearly opaque blindfold that lets him see just enough to deny he's seeing porn. But he wears it all the time because he can imagine the blurry images he sees are always somebody getting fucked by somebody else. And being old, nobody ever says anything about his inappropriate erection straining against the material in his pants. Anyway, this guy speaks in Old Portugese [sic] Pig Latin which is a new attempt to obfuscate what's being said. I've seen the messages written backwards and the symbols printed in mirror image. But this is the first Pig Latin!

"This is the magic! We cast spells like so! Magical Pig Latin works best!"

I can't stop myself from translating all of the stupid Runespeak, Old Portugese [sic], Magic Symbol, Alienese crap even though it always ruins the flow of the narrative because it never has anything to do with the story and always just refers to itself. Except for in Justice League International where it was actually the dialogue of the alien, Peraxxus. One time it was also the letterer's declaration of love to his girlfriend but that didn't have anything to do with the story either. I should just stop translating it! But then I might miss something crucial!

Oh, the blindfolded guy might also be Tannarak but who can tell? I've forgotten what he looks like!

Tannarak and Sargon suck up Mister E's juices after Constantine kills him. And then Constantine agrees to join The Cult of the Cold Flame because Sargon and Tannarak are idiots that really should know better than to take Constantine's words and actions and every single thing he does ever at face value. I suppose their gigantic egos don't help them. They can't believe they haven't broken John's spirit with their genius plans and amazing powers and so they believe he's agreed to join them. But once he's signed the contract or drank the Kool-Aid or whatever, he speaks to his sword in Runespeak. And it actually means something in the context of the story! He says, "Talk to me," and then spits on his sword. And it talks to him, sounding suspiciously like Foghorn Leghorn.

Constantine makes plans with Mister E's Moonsword Self to defeat the Cult of the Cold Flame and kill Sargon and Tannarak. But he needs to play it slow because, in the meantime, he has to deal with all that shit going down in the Trinity War and Forever Evil.

Constantine #8 Rating: +3 Ranking. This was a good comic book. Right? It was pretty good, wasn't it? I think it was okay. I haven't read any other reviews to find out what I should really think but I think I liked it. Didn't I?

Justice League Dark #24

Everyone's completely sick of your fucking shit, John.

Trinity War wrapped up with a spectacular non-conclusion. The Crime Syndicate has begun their conquest of Earth Prime. The Justice League is dead. And I have no fucking clue where this comic book will fall in the chain of events. Even as tie-ins, these things should be numbered. They should also have a little meter that shows how closely the book ties in to actual events in Forever Evil. So one tiny little bar on the meter would be filled in for a comic book that simply shows the strange eclipse and a monitor that says, "The world is ours." But the entire bar should be filled in for comic books that have Batman in them.

Blow job, heroin, or taking a huge dump?

If this is Constantine receiving a blow job, the reaction at the end is probably because Frankenstein is giving it to him. If it's John on heroin, the reaction at the end is because he's found himself in a squalid apartment with a baby nearby rotting in the crib. If he's taking a huge dump, well, that's the worst possibility: rectal prolapse.

I suppose he could also be hanging from a meathook with all of his Justice League Dark buddies! And he's woken up with Madame Xanadu trying to divine his future. That would startle me as well.

Looks like heroin wins!

John chases away the little Johns and then sits down to catch his breath by lighting up a smoke. He decides that the demons were simply materialized psychisms because who doesn't reach for Jungian terminology when one has a dreamlike experience of existential horror? Maybe this comic book is one of my own, reminding me to fucking finish reading Memories, Dreams, Reflections. And if that's the case, do I really need to do a commentary on a materialized psychism? Seems a tad redundant.

Constantine remembers that the Justice Leagues had their asses kicked by a group that came from "a third Earth." Does nobody have an issue with people from a nicely numbered other Earth? Why is their Earth "Earth 3"? Who made the numbering system? What about Earth 2? What fucking number is the main Earth of the DCU? Is it just "Earth"? And why should it get special dispensation to not be among the numbered? Does Earth 2 think of itself as Earth 2? Perhaps The New 52's main Earth is "Earth X" and it's numbered designation is only referred to by people from other Earths who then label it with the number that we give their Earth? So The Crime Syndicate view this Earth as Earth 3. And the Justice Society view this Earth as Earth 2? But then why would everybody agree to call the Elseworlds Prestige Format Comic Book Earth, Earth 1?! Is it the one they all would like to be a part of? I hate all of the multiple Earths!

John has lost everybody but he's found himself back in The House of Mystery. So now it's time to rescue the others and get the fuck out of the Justice Business! This shit is crazy.

The House of Mystery decides Constantine needs some clues to figure out what to do next so it begins showing him ignored people suffering from loneliness and little black wisps that feed on their despair, building into anger and hurt and evil.

First appearance of Mad Hettie! She's a New Yorker now.

Constantine tours the world watching people grow in evil and he learns the most important lesson of all. We are evil because we don't look at homeless people or call our mothers enough. This story is like a Hallmark Card of betrayal!

Outside of card: "Happy 8th Birthday!"
Inside of card: "Thanks for ruining your mom's vagina, you selfish bastard!"

Outside of card: "It was so nice to see you again!"
Inside of card: "Because I never expected to! It's been what? Ten fucking years? Asshole!"

Outside of card: "Congratulations on the promotion!"
Inside of card: "Now rape the world of its resources; lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead; and dance on the bodies of the poor and the weak to fulfill your own selfish desires! Good job!"

John learns that the Crime Syndicate won because we're all unfeeling bastards that have no sense of proportion! I carelessly stepped on a slug the other night because I wasn't watching every step I was making which means I can justify global thermonuclear war! Fuck me! There's no hope! We're all doomed!

"To fist you!"

After the After School Special in which John learns the ways of evil, Zatanna points out that the message was full of bias. Pandora's Box gave him Hopelessmydia so that he saw doom and gloom everywhere he went. But I think the Hopelessmydia has spread due to Pandora's Portal being opened and that's what John was seeing. Evil is growing due to the portal being breached and one of the symptoms of Hopelessmydia is to think that the Hopelessmydia sprang from your own mind and not because you touched Pandora's dirty little box. But Zatanna yells "Nillicinep!" and cures Constantine after which he wakes up from his virus fueled nightmare.

Constantine finds his projection of Zatanna naked and in bed next to him. He actually begins to think this might be a preferable way to live his life. But isn't he the jerk that tore Shade out of practically the same fantasy in some hotel in bumfuck nowhere, living with a Madness version of Kathy George? Perhaps that's where John got this idea of withdrawal from the world?

Too bad it doesn't work out for him. Although she did cure him of his infection. He should be grateful for that much.

Once John calms down, he realizes Nightmare Nurse cured him and is there to help. Maybe not for unselfish reasons but it's all John has at the moment. She's going to help him find the missing members of Justice League Dark and she brings along another mini-JLD member:

Chia Swamp Thing!

Justice League Dark #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm glad all the over-the-top chastising of the human race was kind of taken back by making it Hopelessmydia because that was grating on my nerves. But after that bit, I like the rest! I like Constantine teaming up with Nightmare Nurse and Chia Swamp Thing to go find the lost members of the Justice League Dark. I guess I should include The House of Mystery on the new team as well. I hope they save everybody but Madame Xanadu. She can suck it.