Scooby Apocalypse #10

I didn't know they made one piece chain mail tunics for women.

On their podcast, Athletico Mince, Bob Mortimer and Andy Dawson do this thing every episode where they imagine what Steve McClaren has been up to during the week. Since it always makes me laugh, I thought I would try it out myself! But nobody reading my comic book blog would know who Steve McClaren was, so I decided to do one of Cullen Bunn. Apparently Cullen Bunn's jerk friend who always sends anything I write about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn sent the thing I wrote about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn because Cullen Bunn had a reaction to it.

I can't believe I nailed it! I mean, he certainly didn't deny any of it. His wife even Tweeted about how they keep plastic spoons around the house because they don't stick as well. Which, frankly, seems like a huge lie (probably to cover up some sordid conspiracy). I would think the plastic spoons would stick to a penis much better than the metal ones!

I just want to clarify one thing: I don't love Cullen Bunn so much that I hate him. I neither love nor hate Cullen Bunn. What I did hate was Cullen Bunn's writing on Twat Lobo and Aquaman. You know, just to clear things up! I would also like to point out that I never @'d (is that how you say that?!) him via Twitter and only tagged his name on my reviews for archival purposes. I have done the same for many other writers and artists. Occasionally if I say something positive and I also think it's incredibly clever, I'll tag the writer on Twitter so they know I'm available at any Portland Con if they need a little digital and anal manipulation after Con hours. I'm not looking at you at all, Tom King. I'm looking at your cock.

I almost wrote my Steve McClaren bit using Scott Lobdell but at the last second, I thought, "Scott Lobdell never flipped me off via the Internet!"

More clarification! Cullen Bunn had every right to flip me off via the Internet and even in person! I was not kind to his writing. But I assure everybody involved, I would never be not kind to his face. Just ask Scott Lobdell when I had him sign my Big Book of New 52 First Issues! I totally didn't tell him I was saying horrible things about his writing on the Internet!

Hopefully, judging by the tone of Cullen's tweet, he understands that I harbor no ill will to any writers or artists of comic books and he'll apologize to me for writing Twat Lobo.

The Review!
Aha! I knew that chain mail on the cover was historically inaccurate!

Much better!

My knowledge of medieval armor consists mainly of three dozen Red Sonja comic books. But don't think I know better than to trust a single source for my information. I've also researched the topic in the pages of Cerebus where it completely backs up the facts from Red Sonja.

Velma ran away from the Scooby Gang last issue and now she's the warrior queen of Monstrovia. Did I miss issue 9.5?! This must be somebody's wet dream. I have theories about who that somebody is but I'm a little embarrassed about having that dream. So it's, uh, probably Fred.

Oh, before I wrap this up with "Yep! It was just a dream! A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!", I should also mention that Magilla Gorilla makes a cameo.

Definitely a dream. I don't think Velma is actually this fit or well shaven. Don't get me wrong! This Velma is great! But I still prefer the one I had to conjure in my head because she wears about six yards of orange cloth made into a turtleneck. Although I suppose when you wear chain mail against your naked skin, you'll be hairless before long. Ouch!

Yep! It was just a dream!"

"A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!"

The Ranking!
No change! What? You think I'm going to approve of a fill-in issue?! Even with Velma in a chain mail bikini, forget it!

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Firestorm!

This was my favorite song and dance number from last year's Gay Grammys. Was that redundant?

A friend posted a thing on Facebook about how the electoral college makes a person's vote in Wyoming more valuable than a person's vote in California. One of their friends responded, "So.......You support mob rule?" And the person wasn't being funny at all! Do they not understand how democracy works?! Democracy is mob rule! Except with courts to tell the mob they're being assholes. And then those assholes tell the courts to go fuck themselves because they're against the will of the mob! Then everything breaks down and the barbarians come!

Plus there's probably something to say about the tyranny of minorities and majorities and how some stupid piece of paper that holds people in its thrall somehow keeps any of those things from happening through pure belief in its power. Or something.

That has nothing to do with Firestorm. It might have something to do with The Metal Men though! Especially the way Doc Magnus rules the roost like some common fascist dictator with a penchant for shoving things in his ass. That was probably redundant (as is my joke about something being redundant. Nothing more redundant than that! Although if you didn't appreciate it, you can print it out and shove it up your ass like some fascist dictator attending the Gay Grammys).

My back still hurts and I haven't been to the comic book store yet. This week is the first week in nearly five years that I won't be picking up every DC comic. I've cut down the list so I can have more time to read things that I want to read. And also to play more Overwatch. Probably a little more of one than the other. Just pretend the more heavily weighted one is the more intellectual of the two options. It's not but, for my brain's self-esteem's sake, please pretend with me. I keep telling my brain that if it gets better at playing Winston, I'll let it reread the entire works of Shakespeare. It's trying so hard to figure out that damn monkey now!

The Firestorm Commentary!
This issue begins with something happening that probably could have used some kind of Content Warning.

Judging by the exaggerated expressions of shock, something sexual has to be taking place.

The Professor's advice is to do something. Jason Rausch's advice is actual helpful advice that could save Firestorm's bunghole virginity for Jason to get at later. I mean it could save Firestorm's life. I think we all know which two halves of Firestorm are destined to merge forever. That old white fart is no help to anybody. He probably doesn't even know how to erotically manipulate a prostate.

Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator continues to distort reality in the way a Quantum Field Generator never actually would. I mean, I know I don't have any idea what a Quantum Field Generator is, or what it might actually do. But I'm certain in the exact way I'm certain that God doesn't exist that it would not create monster flies, Cybornetic beings, and spider dinosaurs. Those of you who believe in God are probably thinking, "What's so improbable about spider dinosaurs?!"

Here's an additional fact about my atheism: not believing in God doesn't mean I think I know how everything came about, or how it's always existed, or never existed and then suddenly did exist. I'm comfortable not needing to make up a reason for my own existence, or a nonsensical starting point for everything. I just know that the answer to it all is not a magical man in the sky who hates homosexuality. Come to think of it, it's also not a magical woman in the sky who hates homosexuality. It's also not a magical non-gendered immortal and omnipotent being who neither loves nor hates homosexuality. And it definitely isn't any being of any kind who loves homosexuality! Unless the creator of the universe is Firestorm! Oh man! That would be a great revelation to the character. Firestorm is God! Or at least he's made in God's image. God is probably a merger of all of the Gods ever worshiped. Of course, the Christian God is the body. I mean, duh!

Firestorm's current dilemma is that General Eiling is going to bomb Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator which would be a huge disaster for obvious reasons. I mean, the reasons aren't really obvious but that's what happens when you base the conflict on some technobabble that nobody could possibly understand. The writer gets to tell the audience that something super bad is going to happen and the audience just has to accept it. In comic books, it's always easy to use quantum bullshit or nanotechfucktology because nobody reading comic books is smart enough to argue against it.

Professor Stein continues to be no help while Jason does all the heavy lifting, telepathically linked to Firestorm. Hopefully everybody realizes that Ronnie and Jason are meant to be Firestorm. I mean fuck buddies. No wait. I had it right the first time. And the second time too!

Ronnie's first coach sounds like a cliché spouting jackass.

You think I'm done with that whole "Was that redundant?" thing yet? Well I'm not! That last caption was probably redundant!

I should probably accept that a Quantum Field Generator is simply Gerry Conway's version of the Hitchhiker's Improbability Drive. That might not have made sense but at least it was clever!

While Jason takes care of General Eiling's bombers through technological shenanigannery, Firestorm attempts to close in on the Quantum Field Generator so Professor Stein can identify the off switch. But Ronnie's having trouble because getting through the reality distortion field is like "swatting wasps in a hurricane--they just keep coming!" First off, I think if you're in a hurricane and you're swatting wasps, you've probably lost your mind. First off, why are you still in a hurricane? You should have fucking evacuated instead of causing future problems for first responders when they have to pull your corpse out of a palm tree. And second of all, why the fuck are you swatting at wasps?! Jesus Christ! Those things will fuck you up! Forget the hurricane! There's never a good time to fucking swat at wasps, you idiot! I have lost all faith in Firestorm. This is what happens when you teach your young men in nothing but sports platitudes.

Because there are so many Multiplexes, Ronnie decides to unFirestorm. So instead of hundreds against one of the most powerful superheroes in the DC Universe, it'll be hundreds against an old man and a high school quarterback. Great plan! I mean, seriously, great plan because it works! Ronnie blocks all of the Multiplexes as Professor Stein runs up to the machine and flips the off switch. Seriously. I was making a joke earlier about the off switch but the machine really has an off switch. Luckily, Dr. Cunningham, the woman Multiplex was holding hostage and apparently doesn't know how to flip switches, is able to point at the off switch so Professor Mantin Steinman could man man man man man man.

Ronnie and Stein return to Firestorm and he tries to rescue Multiplex and Dr. Cunningham. But Multiplex wriggles out of his glove and goes, "Ha ha! I have escaped!" Then he's bombed into smithereens by General Eiling's bombers and Jason Rausch laughs and laughs and laughs! Ha ha! The bad guy sure got his!

Back at school, Jason confronts the girl he's supposed to be fucking because she's the odd, weird, smart girl. Except she doesn't know he's gay. Also she slipped some Rohypnol in a soda she gave him so that he'd fuck up his interview for the company she's also trying to get an internship at.

Oh sure! A good person would just allow a somebody to go around putting dangerous drugs in other student's drinks! Don't alert anybody to her criminal behavior! Snitches get stitches, bitches!

The story ends with Jason Rausch still not allowed to be part of Firestorm. But he is offered a place on the team using the telepathic helmet! So instead of one stupid disembodied head floating around Firestorm's face, there will be two! Oh joy! They just doubled down on the worst part about this entire comic book (aside from the lack of gay sex)!

The Review!
This book isn't going to get on The Rankings because it's four books in one that I'm splitting into different reviews. Besides, it's over now! And if you didn't read it as Legends of Tomorrow, you'll probably get to read it as a trade paperback soon. I know the Sugar and Spike one is available! And it's totally worth reading because it humiliates DC's big three heroes! This one isn't really worth picking up because it doesn't delve into the homosexual relationship between Ronnie and Jason. Or if it does, it gets really creepy because now Martin Stein is in some kind of homosexual May-December romance with Ronnie. It's so gross!

Legends of Tomorrow #4

I'm more like a Legend of Yesterday. It was for about three months in the summer of 2014. I either peaked right about here! Unless my peak was where I put Aubrey Plaza's face on top of Wonder Woman's in all of the scans.

The First Bit!
• I haven't been reading the last three issues of this because the last three issues of Legends of Tomorrow is technically the last twelve issues. That's a lot of issues to read just to clear three comic books from the stack! But I guess I need to face my demons head on! Today it will be this comic book; tomorrow it will be my spiraling alcoholism.

• That was a lie. I don't really drink that often. I think I have the Asian Flush because occasionally I'll have about one sip of alcohol and have a serious allergic reaction that destroys my sinuses and head for the next day or so. But even then, I still take my chances at times! My real problem is video games. I can't seem to play enough Overwatch these days. And I finally figured out a way to make replaying the SSI Gold Box Dungeons and Dragons games I purchased cheaply off of GOG.com interesting! I'm going to play through them all as just one mage. Not even a duel classed mage! Just a lone, stupid, chaotic evil mage named Hateful Barb. She doesn't take shit from anybody and murders any NPC when given the option to attack. She also dies a lot because she has almost no hit points and really just one tactic in battle: be invisible and cast Fireball. Sometimes she'll cast Stinking Cloud first to give herself a little time to Fireball. I would say her other tactic is "Don't get hit" but that's not something she's in control of. You can tell by how many times I have to keep reloading after she's slaughtered immediately upon encountering the next batch of five hundred orcs and kobolds.

The Firestorm Commentary!
• The issue begins with Firestorm being zapped in some kind of static field matrix field of static. He looks to be screaming in pain, as is Martin Stein's nearby floating head. I've never liked DC's decision to go with an on-panel (or, the case of the cartoon, on-screen) floating head to represent the person inside of the other person part of Firestorm. I would rather just have a voice inside one of those jagged speech bubbles that represents a voice from afar. I suppose back when Firestorm was created, DC Comics understood that most kids reading their comic books were stupid fucks who wouldn't understand what was going on without the floating head. But if the kids were really that stupid (they were! I base that on the fact that DC Comics didn't go out of business long ago. Their stories were awful!), didn't they just believe Firestorm was a man with his head on fire who was followed around by a scary disembodied head?

• General Eiling is torturing Firestorm because that's his entire purpose in the DC Universe. Whenever a character appears and says something like, "I'm totally a good guy but I'm so going to make that Firestorm my bitch!", you can bet it's General Eiling! He says it's his duty to torture Firestorm because Firestorm "may well be" an enemy of the United States. For military thinking, that seems about par for the course (which is "3" because I'm equating golf with the United States and the intelligence level of most of the people in this country would mean I obviously meant "miniature golf"). I wonder if the United States of America will ever learn that most people make better decisions when they don't base them on their own fears. Remember that time that famous American said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself? How do people not understand that he was talking about exactly the kind of problems that have plagued the United States since September 11th, 2001? More to the point, it's caused the kind of helicopter parenting that makes people feel justified for calling child services on a parent who once glanced in the opposite direction of their child while at the park. So dangerous!

• I'm going to be doing this commentary all day if I keep up this kind of pace. I'm still on page one of eighty! I'll probably burn out in the middle of the Metamorpho story which means the Sugar & Spike and Metal Men commentaries will have about two comments each.

How cute! Look at Major Force having a thought that he wasn't told to think!

• General Eiling gives a valid reason for torturing Firestorm: the Nuclear Man was created by a guy who was an associate of another guy who was a total jerk. I want to jokingly say "Seems plausible!" except that this is exactly the kind of bullshit reasons for keeping suspected terrorists in custody. Or should I say captivity? You know how people always defend harsh laws and violent police actions with shit like "Why are you worried if you aren't doing anything wrong?" Well apparently people have to worry because somebody they associate with might be doing something wrong! And how am I supposed to know what everybody I'm ever in contact with is doing?!

• Would everybody who has ever commented on this blog please send me a list of all the terrible shit you've ever done so I can report you immediately? I do not want to end up being tortured because I've been associated with you! Jerks!

Yeah! How dare you be concerned about the innocence of a person I'm torturing who may or may not be anything I think they are! The torture will put all of our doubts to rest! Probably! I mean, why would anybody say anything untrue simply to stop being tortured?! Probably cowards who have something to hide, that's who!

• I'm hungry for ice cream and it's 5:26 in the morning.

• Do these bullet points make my commentaries easier to read? Instead of an insurmountable, nearly endless wall of text, you get nice little bite-sized morsels! It's like you can pick and choose which ones you want to read! It's not like there's any real linear progression to them anyway.

• Major Force walks out so he can keep his honor and integrity. Although, I mean, do you really get to say you kept your integrity intact when you refused to participate in torture but then simply went across the street to eat at Popeye's and forgot all about the victim? I think Major Force might need to step up his actions a little bit or I'm still going to refer to him as an accessory.

• During the torture of Ronald Raymond (who--let's face it--is used to being in a tortured environment. His mom is a racist who feeds him dog dick dinners), Martin Stein continues to get off on their disgusting May-September romance. He's all, "Ronald! We have to split apart! My nuclear bond is about to compress! UNH! If it continues, the results could be catastrophic! Have you ever gotten semen in your eyes?! So gross!"

• Meanwhile, Jason, along with his beard, his dad, and Ronnie's mom, are searching for Firestorm.

Christ! Calm down, you racist jerk! When did he become your son's keeper? Maybe you're just upset because you're a bad mother who lost track of her little Ronnie Hitler Raymond.

• While exploring Martin Stein's lab, Jason finds the helmet Martin puts on that allows him to get inside Ronnie and Jason's heads when they're all up inside each other's Firestorm Matrices. He's so perverted and gross.

• Jason puts on the helmet himself and cries out in shock and sadness as he experiences Martin Stein's catastrophic "nuclear bond compression."

• Jason and his crew decide to rescue Firestorm from the military themselves. How do they suppose they're going to break into a military installation to rescue somebody without getting themselves killed?! The U.S. Military should sue 80s movies for making everybody think the security of military installations was so horrible that any child could find a way to sneak into one.

• Meanwhile, Multiplex is trying to find a way to make all of his duplicates into individuals. I still don't understand why he wants to do that. If I stumbled into some kind of cosmic accident which resulted in a second, fully autonomous me? I'd kill him. No second thoughts. Who knows what kind of embarrassing, and possibly illegal, things he'd reveal?!

• Multiplex explains to some physicist named Marla that he wants to resolve his potential self. Marla makes sure to repeat it later so the reader can be all, "Oh yeah! It sounds more like an explanation after I've heard it two or three more times!" Danton also explains how "infinite potential isn't enough." No shit, Danton. If it were, none of us would ever do anything! I'd sit in a dark room all day thinking, "I can do so many things! SO MANY! Oh man! This is great! So many things I could be doing which I'm not doing! It's wonderful!"

• General Eiling continues to put Firestorm under ever increasing amounts of pressure until he goes critical. You know, nuclear! That's when the tech who Eiling browbeat into increasing the upper limits of the torture is all, "I told you so! I fucking told you!", right before he's going to be obliterated by the nuclear explosion. I don't blame him. Those are probably some pretty satisfying last words.

• Major Force returns with greasy fingers and barbecue sauce all over the front of his spandex. He may have pussed out when it came to saving an innocent life from being tortured but he's still a hero! Or as much of a hero as he can be after allowing torture to continue even after he witnessed it. So now he's going to save the facility by punching Firestorm until he's not going critical anymore. Probably. I can't think of any other way DC Comics solves problems in their stories.

• Using the Martin Stein Mental Creeper Helmet, Jason discovers that Firestorm is about to blow! The only way to stop it is to shut down power to the military installation. Luckily, he and his crew are right next to a transformer supplying power to the facility! All they have to do is destroy it by crashing their car into it!

No, Jason, you literally don't have to do this. It only takes one person to drive a car into a transformer. Unless your father needs somebody to read the map and change radio stations, I guess.

• Jason and his dad both dive out of the car as it careens into the transformer. Why even put his dad in that situation?! You know how difficult it must be to open a car door on the opposite side of your only arm so that you can dive out of the car that you're steering with that arm?! Fucking Ronnie's mother should have driven that car and remained in it as it exploded. Why isn't she putting her life at risk to save her son?! Some mama bear she turned out to be, the lousy dog dick eater.

• Firestorm escapes and Major Force lets him go. Instead, he turns on General Eiling and relieves him of command. That's more like it! A person always thinks better after getting a couple Popeye's biscuits in them.

The Firestorm Ranking!
No change. Can we get a Firestorm story that doesn't involve General Eiling trying to turn Firestorm into a weapon for the United States, or one where he goes after Firestorm as a danger to the security of the United States? I liked the one that seemed like it was going to be a gay romance! It was one of the few new changes of The New 52 and it just went nowhere. I bet it's because Gail Simone was all, "We are definitely going to have Ronnie and Jason sucking dick on-panel." And everybody else on the book was all, "Um, no?" But I was reading it and I saw where it was headed and I was all, "Oh yeah!" But then Gail was off the book and it never happened except in my dreams.

The Metamorpho Commentary!
• I was being optimistic thinking I'd keep the same pace all the way through half of the Metamorpho story! I'm already winding down and chomping at the bit to play Overwatch! And eat ice cream! And cry about the overwhelming futility of it all! Although the ice cream might make me feel good enough to skip the crying.

• I only remember two things about the Metamorpho story. The first is that Metamorpho and Sapphire are on an ancient planet where the original Egyptians came from. The second is that Sapphire has a great ass. Hopefully there aren't any more plot points in the twenty page story so I won't have anything to discuss. Aside from Sapphire's ass.

• Oh yeah! Kanjar Ro is the villain. He's after the power of Ra, probably so he can use it to make Hal Jordan look like a fool.

• Metamorpho is the Chosen One on this planet. It must be primitive if it still thinks plots revolving around "Chosen Ones" are still interesting. Metamorpho explains to Neith, the leader, how he's hoping to change back into his old self. And Neith is all, "But why would you want to change?! Did the patriarchy make you feel bad about yourself?! You're perfect the way you are! Is me telling you that you're perfect just as oppressive as the patriarchy telling you that you have many flaws?! Am I part of the problem?! Um, what I meant to say is that anything you believe is cool and anything you do to your own body is great and every single one of your opinions, even though I just said you're perfect the way you think you want to be, are completely gross and problematic to somebody so probably just shutting the fuck up and listening is what you should do. Although who should you be listening to? Why do some people get to speak and aren't told to shut up? I guess they're the brave ones! Today, they may have people gathered about like baby birds slurping down their wisdom (it's wisdom because everybody listening already agrees with it)! Tomorrow, somebody will rise up and point out how the brave one said something that was easily misinterpreted by the baby birds as gross and will be torn to shreds!" Unless she just tells Metamorpho he's currently cool the way he is and if he wants to change, it just seems maybe he should consider the reasons why he wants to change so that he's not doing it for the Patriarchy aaaaaand I was just interrupted by the Non-Certified Spouse and lost my stream of consciousness spiel that wasn't really going anywhere anyway so whatever.

• Rex tells Sapphire she's pretty and Sapphire tells Rex that maybe he'll be pretty again one day? Pretty much the opposite of what Neith just told him. Rex walks away, leaving Sapphire to gaze into the diamond testicle Rex gave her last issue.

• Simon Stagg has sent Java to find Rex, kill him, and retrieve Sapphire and the Orb of Ra. Java has been given a gun that will make Rex inert for thirty minutes. It's the only way a caveman can defeat a metamorphoid. Maybe the gun will turn Rex human for thirty minutes. That will allow Rex and Sapphire to totally do it like thirty times. Then Rex can send Simon a card that reads, "Thank you for the means to bang your daughter! She says I'm way better than a caveman!"

• Metamorpho eventually comes to the tower containing the Orb of Ra. They have a bit of a chat about destiny which is basically meaningless. People with good lives will often point out how many specific things needed to happen for them to have wound up exactly where they are in their life. It's such an obvious statement that I hate to think of it as philosophical. They never seem to realize that if they had made other decisions which wound up building a positive life for them, they would be saying the same fucking thing in that other timeline. Things happen and decisions are made and life winds up being whatever it winds up being. Is that destiny? Does it fucking matter? Although it's particularly vexing in Rex's case since the Orb of Ra hints around that Rex's entire life has been manipulated so that he can become the Chosen One and rescue the Orb of Ra. I might be a little bit pissed about that! Because now, I could look back at never telling Marilyn Mendoza how I felt about her as not my own regret! Now I have to look at it as some vast conspiracy that kept me and Marilyn Mendoza apart! I'm already shaking my fist about it!

• Metamorpho removes the Orb of Ra from the tower and is instantly ambushed by Kanjar Ro. Dammit, Rex! This is exactly the kind of thing the Orb of Ra was trying to avoid by manipulating you into being its Chosen One!

• Sapphire runs from the battle with the Orb of Ra and immediately phones her father to tell him that she has the Orb. Why that little hussy! I was so dazzled by her perfect ass that I didn't realize she was playing Rex the whole time!

The Metamorpho Ranking!
No change. Throughout that whole story, not one decent panel of Sapphire Stagg's ass. I'm so disappointed. Maybe Lord Google can help me find a good shot of it! Hmm, "Sapphire Stagg" and "ass" doesn't really help. Maybe "Sapphire Stagg" and "rule 34"! No, it didn't help. But Lord Google did turn up this thing that I saw so now you get to see it too.

The Sugar & Spike Commentary!
• In this story, Sugar & Spike are on the trail of Itty, Green Lantern's alien sidekick friend. At least I hope it was a friend. It's possible he kept it around for sexual reasons. I don't mean to suggest he was fucking it! But it's possibly Itty had an essential role in Hal Jordan's love life. And now he wants Itty back!

• Green Lantern believes he saw Itty in a picture of exhibits at the Metahuman Museum of Oddities. That's great! Because now Keith Giffen gets to write in a bunch of crazy shit DC Comics came up with over the years that he's been obsessed with since his first Ambush Bug mini-series! And probably earlier! Like when he was a kid that nobody liked and he stayed in his room all day reading comic books instead of being thrown into dumpsters.

I'm not great with Silver and Golden Age goofiness but I still recognize some of this shit. Crazy Quilt. Brother Power the Geek. L-Ron. The Red Tornado, original version. Kite-man. Vibe, maybe? Shining Knight? The Penguin's Walrus Sex Costume with the hole in the ass?

• The Trickster is also in a case on the next page. He's probably planning a robbery!

• While Sugar talks to the curator, the guy who used to be Lamplighter, a Green Lantern foe, Spike stumbles upon a display of the original Green Team. That's cute since the new Green Team had a museum much like this one! In fact, they had Brother Power the Geek in theirs too!

• I think Spike is embarrassed to be in the Museum because he knows he should probably be one of the exhibits.

• Anyway, the Toy Girl from Superman Island arrives with another Itty and things happen and it turns out this is the son (or daughter? I forget) of the original Itty which has 33 other siblings and that's the end of the mystery because I need that fucking tub of ice cream already! It's now 8:26 in the morning! It's been three hours since I first thought about having ice cream! Also, I've been reading this comic book for three hours! Also playing a little Pool of Radiance here and there. And, of course, I'm writing this on the Internet so there's that constant distraction!

The Sugar & Spike Ranking!
No change. It was cute. That's about it. I'm tired and need sugar! Metal Men will have to wait.

The Metal Men Commentary!
• They go on an adventure or some such shit.

• During that adventure, Cliff Steele poses as a lawyer. I don't think he's actually a lawyer. Is he?

• Also, the government creates a new batch of Metal Men. This group also only has one female. And they're all boring. "I'm Aluminium! The best thing I can think to say about myself is that I'm the third most abundant element!" "I'm Lithium! I'm used in batteries!" "I'm Silicon! I'm boring as hell too in that my best feature is my abundance! Second overall in the element category!" "I'm Zirconium! 'Nuff said! Total bore!" "I"m Copper! I fuck like there's no tomorrow!"

• Okay, so maybe Copper isn't as boring as the others. Also one is called Magnesium but he was too boring to mention.

• Since the New Metal Men have Copper, Lithium, and Magnesium, I would have liked them to also have Nitrogen, Nickel, Uranium and Sulfur! Then they could line up and spell "CuNNiLiMgUS".

• The Metal Men discover Nameless is actually The Calculator and they apprehend him. But instead of being able to hand him over to the military, the military decides to test their Metal Men against Magnus's Metal Men. I hope they defeat Lithium and Magnesium by just throwing water on them and watching them burn to death.

The Metal Men Ranking!
No change. It was better than previous episodes. I think. It's hard to tell being the fourth story in a book containing four regular sized comic books. Usually when I sit down to read some comics, I get through two before I get anxious to do something else. By the time I'm on my fourth comic in one sitting? I'm ready to blow my fucking brains out. Judging by how I didn't do that, this story must have been halfway decent.

Green Lanterns #4

Once again, this comic book has way too many artists working on it. The cover says seven but the credits page lists eleven. I'm not an expert but I think that indicates a problem.

The Review!
This comic book isn't as bad as I'll make it seem in the following commentary. But I've declared I will never again complain about the thing that I complain about in the following commentary. I'm practicing not complaining about it right now! I'm using Green Lantern levels of will not to talk about it! It's not even that big a deal, really. It's just a little pet peeve I have that apparently nobody else has which is why comic books are so Goddamned fucking terrible now! I mean, um, it's not a problem at all! No big deal! It's not even like it's something new! People do it all the time and have for decades! It can even be used to good affect when done well and by a writer I have declared an oath of undying fealty for. But Sam Humphries has yet to impress me in a way that would keep his use of those things I don't complain about anymore from bothering me at all.

The Commentary!
I didn't hate this comic book when it began. I didn't even hate it three issues later when Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz kept speaking directly to the reader. I didn't want to hate a person I've never met before and who will likely never have any effect on my life ever. I didn't want to but here I am. I hate Sam Humphries. He broke me and this is the Narration Box that did it:

"Hello, Simon! I'm Tess, the meanest comic book critic ever!"

It was cute last issue when Jess thought, "OMG I am the worst Green Lantern." It was cute because she thought it just moments after Bleez threw her through an office building. It is not cute this issue when Simon Baz thinks the same thing. Not just because Sam Humphries already used this line since I can kind of understand how he's using it on purpose to compare the two new recruits and their ultimate lack of self-confidence in their ability to do this job. They both offer up a strong facade but are terribly concerned that they will fail Earth. What pisses me off about this moment is that goddamned fucking "Hello!" Who the fuck does he think he is? Larry of Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? Lenny and/or Squiggy? Some character who says "Hello!" when coming on scene but whom young people would recognize?! Hell, he's not even one of those characters because at least those characters were saying "Hello!" to other fucking characters. They didn't look at the camera and acknowledge the audience and wave and wink.

I don't know what to fucking do. This kind of shit has become such a standard trope in comic books that nobody cares or notices. Hell, I think the majority of people like this stupid shit. But then the majority of people are assholes and morons who think they're way smarter than they really are. They want heroes to tell them everything inside the hero's stupid head. Stories in third person which remain outside of the character's mind are just way too ambiguous. And how would a comic book like this work without being privy to all of Jess's and Si's thoughts, right?! We have to see how they think so we can compare and contrast their styles and attitudes! No way we could have any opinion on the two of them without knowing every thought in their stupid fucking heads. I mean, look at The X-Files? It didn't do that and it was complete and utter shit, right?

Of course it wasn't, asshole. That was the point. Now get the fuck off of my lawn while I read this rest of this comic book I already know will be garbage because I'm only on page one and it's put me in a terribly foul mood.

Maybe I'm a Red Lantern!

Simon and Jessica plunge into the Hell Tower which is actually the opposite of a tower. Maybe Atrocitus thought The Hell Well was too cutesy. Jessica has been infected with the Rage so she isn't working with Simon. Usually that wouldn't be a big deal because one Green Lantern is as good as two Green Lanterns, right? But remember how Hal Jordan insured that there would be easy tension and drama by forcing Si and Jess to share a battery? Remember how they could only recharge their rings together? Yeah, remember that caveat and conundrum? Well, guess what? You get a Mini-Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Ribbon if you guessed Simon's ring is running out of juice! Oh, Green Lantern comic book! You never fail to make me think, "What am I doing with my fucking life?"

Simon only has 2.2% charge left in his ring which is ridiculous because I'm constantly being reminded that the Green Lantern ring is the greatest weapon in the entire universe. And yet the stupid thing is constantly low on charge when it's most needed. I guess Simon is going to have to destroy the Hell Well with his pistol.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, Simon's relatives are bickering because there's a Bohemian Guardian of the Universe in the pantry. He reveals he's as nutty as the other Bohemian Guardians even though he's of a different variety. I don't know where Kyle's Bohemian Guardians wound up. This Guardian finally reveals the name of the ring he brought with him: The Phantom Ring! It sounds so mysterious! And probably not real. This guy is kind of crazy. But he also knows a secret about why Earth suddenly needed two new Green Lanterns when they already had five or six times more than any other planet in the entire universe. But all of that stuff probably won't be revealed until The Hell Well is destroyed.

Simon's ring didn't have enough energy to do a med scan of Jessica or to find a nearby lost teddy bear. But it does have enough energy to do that impossible healing thing Simon Baz does! I'm totally enthusiastically smiling and excited about this revelation! Really I am!

How many more stupid pages is this stupid comic book that's stupid?

Jessica begins to feel less angry and decides to quit. Good! If you quit then Simon has to quit because he can't use the battery without you and then I never have to read this comic book again! If there's even the slightest possibility I might read another Narration Box where a character says hello directly to me, it's worth shutting down this entire series.

Stop it! Stop trying to talk her out of it! Let her quit! Put me out of my misery!

See? These two don't have the confidence that they want everybody to believe they have. Not that I had to put any thought into this comic book to reach that conclusion. All the thinking was done for me! Narration Boxes are the equivalent of those rails that keep the kiddie cars on the tracks at places like Disneyland. They're the bumpers in bumper bowling. They're the cliff notes published in the margins of the book the notes are for. They're the red hot pokers and bamboo slivers jammed under my fingernails. And they're so ubiquitous that I'm bored ranting about them. I'll never fucking mention them again because it seems like all I write about lately. I wish something that mattered would make my blood boil the way these shitty Narration Boxes do!

Jess and Si patch up their differences, recharge their rings, and climb out of The Hell Well. Waiting for them at the top of the well are Atrocitus and his Red Lanterns. Surprisingly, they don't immediately kill Simon and Jessica. Instead, Atrocitus tells them he'll let one of them live. That one will be the one who kills the other Green Lantern. Nice try, Atrocitus! But they just got the whole good guys battling each other thing out of their system this issue. Next issue is way too soon for another physical confrontation between the two Green Lanterns! I mean, I know Si and Jess are going to wind up fighting each other many times across this series. But they can't do it every single issue!

One of the Red Lanterns with Atrocitus is Zilius Zox. How come nobody remember he died in Red Lanterns Annual #1?! This isn't the first time he's been back after dying which probably explains why he's still around. Because somebody else fucked up and brought him back and now nobody realizes he was killed. Oh well. This is Rebirth, after all! It's as good a time as any to declare Zilius Zox's death was exaggerated.

Justice League United #15

This cover isn't toning down my Medusa lust.

At the end of the last issue, OMAC appeared. OMAC used to be the One Man Army Corps but that wasn't modern or stupid enough so DC Comics changed it to the One Machine Attack Construct. Calling some super powered person a One Man Army Corps was probably offensive to soldiers in the army. Most soldiers in the army are probably offended by things like burning the American flag or people who thank them for fighting for freedom when they're expressly fighting for oil. But some soldiers in the army are nerds (because nerds are everywhere) and they were all, "Jack Kirby is a douche! He thinks what we do can be done by one simple minded stockboy with a computer?! One Man Army Corps, my ass! More like One Major...um...Asshole Clown!"

I put the "um" in there to show that most people in the army aren't great at thinking on their feet. I'm not entirely sure that's a fact but it seems to me that somebody wanting to live a regimented and structured life where they feel most comfortable being told what to do might be evidence of my bias. Except for anybody in the army reading this right now! You should probably ask for a promotion to Sergeant General!

This issue begins with an awful lot of phallus talk!

Von Hammer? Cosmic Rod? I'm starting to see the gay appeal of war comics!

OMAC, being Dan DiDio's favorite character to masturbate on, somehow doesn't defeat everybody else. That's probably because Jeff Parker is writing this comic book and now Super Jack Kirby Fan Dan "I Call My Penis 'OMAC: Overly Masculine Angry Cock'" DiDio. Instead, OMAC is punched in the face at the same time by Robotman and Steel. OMAC slumps to the ground defeated and I'm left thinking, "Why did Robotman say 'Finally!' when they defeated OMAC? OMAC has only been in this comic book series for five panels! Do most of Robtoman's battles last only one or two?! Why isn't Robotman the greatest hero in the DC Youniverse?!" The Doom Patrol should really have their own series by this point in The New 52. And even though I know Geoff Johns probably has dibs on that series, I think Jeff Parker would be a good fit to write it. He might not be Shakespeare when Shakespeare is really pounding out the highfalutin philosophical mumbo-jumbo that everybody likes to quote to look smart but he's definitely on par with Shakespeare when he's writing penis and fart jokes.

Batgirl and Vandal Savage arrive on the battlefield just as the Creature Commandos begin to regroup and Medusa hopefully pulls her shirt down lower to expose more cleavage. How come nobody has yet invented a bikini that shows vagina cleavage? That's a billion dollar idea right here!

Also arriving in time for the chaos: Sgt. Rock and Easy Company! I'm sure the Unknown Soldier is around somewhere as well. And of course Stargirl with Baron Von Hammer are directly above everybody in the sky. Not to mention all of the random troops full of regular people from every war that ever encroached on Arracourt, France. I think some Rocket Reds might be in the battle as well!

The Red Baron's plane gets shot out of the sky by Sgt. Rock and I feel a little strange reading a story where Stargirl is falling out of the sky in a crashing plane. Steel saves her life by throwing the rod at her and she flies to safety clutching her cosmic rod and Baron Von Hammer. Other sexy things that happen before a truce is called: Vandal commits perfidy, Medusa stands in a normal pose, and Robotman throws himself on a grenade thrown by the Unknown Soldier.

Working together, the new team of Justice League United and every war character ever created by DC Comics except for The Unknown Soldier storm the Breaker. Sgt. Rock knows where all of the enemies will be attacking because he's stormed the Breaker every single day that he's been trapped in the time anomaly. But now he has a small army at his back instead of the usual losers of Easy Company and they make it to the enemy in just a few minutes.

I knew it! Constant worship of the Unknown Soldier and a populace's need to append meaning to the death of every soldier is what keeps war going!

Once the Unknown Soldier is killed, everybody returns to their proper times. Although I don't know where OMAC and the Creature Commandos wind up since their books were cancelled a long time ago. I guess wherever they are, Justice League United will be meeting up with them soon.

Justice League United #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Did I just read an anti-war comic book? Fucking communists! How dare you put messages of peace and love hidden inside exciting stories about war?! If you want to make money exploiting war, that's cool. But you should put a warning on the cover if you're going to slip in some namby pamby hippie bullshit message like "war is bad." That's practically like stealing my money! How bad can war be when it's America's go-to solution to solve any problem? The war doesn't even have to be concerned with the solution to the problem either! It's just good to have a war, I guess. Freedom or some such. Because none of us would be free at all if we weren't off in other countries killing people. Thank God we have so many heroic men and women willing to throw their lives away for probably good reasons full of meaning which accomplishment important things. Anyway, I've got my eye on you, Jeff Parker! You won't fool me into buying your socialist rag again! Next time, I'm going to read the end of the story to make sure you put the proper, positive spin on war when the story wraps up. "No more war," my huge manly erection!

Justice League United #14

Is this a Jem and the Holograms tie-in?

I found a blog recently that is horrible. It's not trying to be horrible. But it is horrible anyway. Also it is not this blog, smart monkey. I do not want to say what blog it is because I only speak poorly of entertainers who charge me money for their product and, instead of entertaining me, pee all over my open mouth as I forget to shut it and then continue to pay for the service every month thereafter. Most of the time, I'm talking about metaphorical pee. But if anybody wants to try to guess what blog I mean, I will tell you if you get it right. It shouldn't be too hard to guess. How many blogs can there be on the internet? Like two dozen?

It really is terrible though. But that won't keep me from reading through every entry! Nothing makes you feel more alive and quite a bit more superior than the next chap than reading really terrible writing based on a fairly boring idea. Although I don't think the concept seems dumb to pop culture nerds. They probably think the site is smart and entertaining. But it's not!

Man! You really should check out this horrible blog! Generally, I'd shut up about it because I'm refusing to mention the URL. Everybody is probably thinking, "Why don't you shut up about it?!" Eventually I will, I suppose. Kant once said, "All false art, all vain wisdom, lasts its time but finally destroys itself, and its highest culture is also the epoch of its decay." What does that mean? I don't know! Sometimes I forget what I was trying to say. Does that ever happen to you? Oh! Maybe I should get to the comic book now?

The best part of Justice League United is the scene between Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. Mostly it's the best part because I like Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. It's also the best part because Batgirl beats the crap out of Easy Company to help Vandal Savage escape! Doesn't she know she's supposed to be supporting the Americans?! Barbara Gordon is a communist!

And Stargirl takes succor from the enemy! Unless succor means something inappropriate and nasty.

Oh wait! I made a huge mistake! The best part of the comic book wasn't the part with Stupid Rock and Randall Scabbage at all! It's the part where the Creature Commandos appear with GI Zombie and GI Robot! They attack Cliff Steele and Steel for some reason. You'd think GI Robot would be all, "Beep beep beep! I'm feeling really uncomfortable with your actions, guys. Beep beep beep!"

Medusa makes me feel dizzy in my pants.

I'm telling you right now don't comment on this Critical Review with the obvious Medusa/Pants joke. I will not have my blog sullied by mediocrity! If you want mediocrity, figure out that other blog I mentioned earlier!

I could easily close out this Critical Review (maybe I should change the name of my blog to Grunion Guy's Critical Comic Book Reviews? That would probably garner fewer questions about the blog's name. Also it would clearly state the intention of this blog! If only I'd had an agent before setting foot in the world of high stakes comic book review sites) with picture after picture of Medusa and her Medusa Bosom and her Medusa Crotch and her Medusa Belly. I would look at that Critical Review and think, "That's a really satisfying look at Justice League United #14!" Then my penis would make a funny sound effect.

I think this is a lesson in not raping because the Germans probably would have won the war with Vandal Savage on their side and he only switched sides because of Commandant Rapist. It's always good to learn another reason why you shouldn't rape!

While Vandal and Batgirl try to contact the rest of the Justice League United, the Unknown Soldier creeps up and begins spying on them in the hopes that they're young lovers on a picnic about to have some pound cake with wine. They don't have any pound cake at all. Instead they're attacked by Germans. One German says, "Ahk!" That means "Oh shit! I got a Batarang in my eye!" in English. The other German says, "Sterben, Fledermaus Frau!" That means, "Surrender, flying mouse girl!" But then that guy steps on a landmine and Flying Mouse Girl doesn't have to surrender at all. But it does cause Vandal to laugh and say, "Krieg ist die Hölle, mien Freund." That means "Watch your step, my friend." The Unknown Soldier never comes out of hiding because he wants to remain anonymous.

A-ha! Maybe this is the sexy picnic the Unknown Soldier was searching for!

Back at the battle of the Creature Commandos, I can't even scan the shoulder mounted mortar gun that Frankenstein uses without embarrassing any ladies reading this. Medusa shows some more of her bosom as she tries to turn Cliff Steele to stone. But that doesn't work because he's a robot and his brain might even just be a reel of tape at this point. It's hard to tell how many bottoms New 52 Cliff Steele has hit up until this point. The Creature Commandos are no match for Steel and Robotman because they're not the heroes of this comic book (which is too bad). But their next opponent isn't going to be as easy to defeat!

Oh man! Another cock!

Justice League United #14 Rating: No change. It's a cavalcade of trademarks this issue! Most of DC's war comics over the last four years have been terrible so why not throw them all into one big chaotic story? It's really working! Plus this story has the original Sergeant Rock instead of that loser grandson of his DC tried to pawn off on its readers in Men of War. That was awful! As was GI Combat! And Star Spangled War Stories! Hopefully the next issue will reintroduce the Haunted Tank and the Nazi War Wheel!

Justice League United #13

Yay! The Creature Commandos are back! Unless I meant "Yay! Cliff Steele is back!"

I'm always the last to know about these kinds of things but I'll act like a reporter breaking news right now and mention that Justice League United is the best Justice League book on the shelves right now. I hope it runs forever!

This issue begins in Arracourt, France in 1940 during the Korean War on Drugs. The good version of Sgt. Rock is sending Easy Company into certain danger as he splits up with them. The bad version of Sgt. Rock isn't in this comic book because 2011's Men At War was cancelled early on during The New 52 because it was terrible. Really awful. I'd say it was worse than Grifter at the time to underscore my point but I try to avoid hyperbole and lying directly to my audience, especially when the lie is as obvious as saying any comic book at all was worse than Grifter.

As Sgt. Rock goes door to door telling the French to hide their pot, he runs into Vandal Savage and my body becomes a gigantic goose pimple. Gross. The comic book isn't gross though! This may have been the best beginning to any New 52 DC You comic book I've ever read! And Robotman and the Creature Commandos have yet to appear! I feel sorry for anybody not reading this comic book. You'll be sorry when the series reaches issue #100 and every single back issue is worth a little over cover price. Boom! Investments, baby!

Are we shipping these two now? Ravage? Sgandal? Easy Company?

The next scene takes place in the present where Vandal Savage is being kidnapped by Animal Man and Alanna Strange. He's needed to save the world! I hope he doesn't meet up with Sgt. Rock's corpse or there could be trouble. And blow jobs.

Also kidnapped to work for the Justice League United are Batgirl, Cliff Steele, and John Henry Irons (also a Steel). They're somewhere in Zeta Space or something. Wherever they are, they're not on Earth because Cliff's GPS doesn't work and according to knowing things, GPS doesn't work everywhere in the universe. It isn't some magical talisman that communes with the stars to reveal a person's location in space, time, and alternate realities, Cliff. Stop being so ignorant! Now everybody is going to know that the "Robot" part of your name isn't very accurate because robots wouldn't go about saying stupid things. Unless they were programmed to sound not very smart to maintain the illusion that they have the brain of an actual man inside of them. That's just the kind of thing Niles Caulder would program into a robot he constructed to make it think it was the brain of a not very good racer!

The new team finds out the location of the current Breaker that must be broken before it destroys all time and space: Arracourt, France! DUH DUH DUN! "But that's where Vandal Savage and Sgt. Rock were last seen flirting," you gasp because you're probably like me and that's what I gasped. "That means Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage are going to be reunited once more like a scene from a mid-90s rom-com!" you sputter as you pull your dick out of your pants. Or you pull whatever ladies have in their pants out if you're a lady. Is it a crotch boobie? No, no! Don't tell me! I want to be surprised someday.

Stargirl joins Steel, Vandal, Batgirl, and Steele as they rush in to the time vortex that has descended on Arracourt. That means they'll get to encounter all of DC's legendary World War I, World War II, and Korean War on Drugs characters! My brain has a total boner!

The main problem with Justice League United's missions, as pointed out by Jason Blood last issue, is that they always come with a cost. That cost is probably the death or traumatic near death of one of their members. Last time it was Swamp Thing. Luckily Poison Ivy took him back to her lab to Florence Vaginagale him back to health. This time, Cliff Steele will probably be destroyed because he's always destroyed. Every time. It's kind of his, and Red Tornado's, thing.

Cliff's so used to it that he's actively trying to be destroyed.

Stargirl is kidnapped by the Red Baron as she tries to survey the battlefield from the air. Serves her right! Maybe she'll remember this the next time Justice League United needs somebody to work for them and she'll think about passing them a note instead.

Steel flies off with Robotman on his back to try to help Stargirl. That leaves Batgirl to fend for herself once Vandal Savage slips off on his date with Sgt. Rock.

I guess Batgirl will join forces with the Creature Commandos next issue. Stupid lying cover.

Justice League United #13 Rating: +3 Ranking. Justice League United should be rebranded as Strange Adventures or Mystery in Space because it feels more like one of those series than a Justice League book. But since it has "Justice League" in the title, I should probably compare it to the other Justice League books: it's much better! But it doesn't have Batman in it so all of the worst DC Comics fans probably aren't reading it. Plus it had that initial story about the Legion of Super-heroes coming back in time to make sure their timeline continued to exist which is always the worst kind of time travel story. The past already happened correctly, douches! Stop going back into the past of alternate timelines and ruining their futures! So that nonsense has probably kept a lot of people from returning to this title since it mysteriously reappeared on the shelves a full month after the two months full of Convergence crap. Did anybody even remember it hadn't been cancelled?! I hope it never gets cancelled!

Convergence #4

That bald guy on the left should be fighting and not masturbating furiously.

It's Warlord! It's Warlord! He makes a snickity sound!

Hmm. That's all the energy I have for that song. Anyways, I've seen Warlord in ads in a bunch of old comics but never once have I read one of his comics. He must have been popular because his comic ran for eight years or something. I should ask Lord Google so I can go back and edit that statement to be precise so that I can drop the "or something."

The comic lasted 133 issues which makes my guess off by three years! That's even more impressive than my first impression! Just imagine if Tony S. Daniel had been drawing it! It probably would have lasted another ten years! Plus the whole 90s comic book art vibe could have begun much earlier! Look at this cover! It's full of grit and action and well-muscled wank material! I'm feeling so adult just looking at it! So very, very adult!

This issue begins with Telos holding Dick in his hands like a baby bird that has fallen (or been pushed by some asshole cuckoo (like The Joker! More apt! Pretend the "fallen" part was in parentheses instead!)) out of its nest. He's been Killing Joked which means he needs to become the new Oracle because it's about time a man had the job. Goddamn women have been trying to take men's jobs ever since men beat and raped them into second class citizens so long ago. How dare they try to change the natural order of things?! Remember how God made woman to be man's servant? No wait. I don't think you do remember if you're thinking of only the rib thing. In actuality, God tried to fix Adam up with every fucking animal in the world before he thought of creating a female variant of man.

Genesis 2:18-20: "And the Lord God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him."

So don't try that fucking "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" bullshit on me! Seems more like it was "Adam and every animal on Earth that God tried to set him up with!"

I understand people will interpret the previous Biblical passage in whatever way they've learned to interpret it by the dogma of the church. But I'm just reading it the way it was written! God says he'll make Adam a help meet and then precedes to introduce him to every animal ever. Afterwards, Adam is all, "Dude. None of these interest me." So that's when God makes Eve out of one of Adam's ribs. Seems pretty clear to me that God doesn't mind bestiality.

Also, I just realized it might be purposefully misunderstood by some jerks that I might be equating homosexuality with bestiality in that previous digression! Well I wasn't. So there.

Join? I thought they were just the guest judges?

Telos sets Dick up with an organic metal suit to help him with his newly shattered spine and to make him less like Oracle and more like Broken Bat Batman. Was that ever an action figure? That should have been an action figure. Or at least an accessory to a Bane figure.

Meanwhile in Skartaris, Val-zod mentions how he doesn't kill unarmed men. Don't worry, Val! That'll change soon enough. I remember when you wouldn't even punch somebody and now you're a violent whirlwind of fists and feet.

Skartaris must have been one of the first cities Brainiac collected and placed on Telos because he completely fucked it up. It's not domed. It's in the center of the planet. It's got a plan to return everybody to Earth. How is it that Telos can't see what's going on deep inside of him? It's like he shoved Skartaris up his ass and simply forgot about it. Or was too embarrassed to get help dislodging it.

Time must flow differently on Skartaris if Warlord just noticed Skartaris moved. Or maybe Warlord just isn't very observant.

Back on the surface, Dick Grayson begins questioning Telos's plan. Will it become up to Dick Grayson to save everybody by being the nice guy? Will he convince Telos that it will be more fun if Telos lets them all survive? Maybe he can also convince Telos to save the universes that go along with each of these cities and let them all exist in this place that is no place and in no time! Then DC Comics can eat all of their cakes while also having their cakes uneaten too!

Do all ideas have value, Dick? Do they? What about this Convergence one you're trying to stop because it has no value?! How about when a male child is born, we begin removing their penises and surgically attaching them to their foreheads? Does that idea have value? What about a parallel reality where rape jokes actually are funny? Value or no value?

Beneath the surface, Deimos has ditched his new friends to search for the Time Masters. Yolanda has followed him because the Twofers don't trust him anymore. That'll happen when you decide to align yourself with the first person you meet on a strange planet. Deimos offers to tell Yolanda all about Telos and his plans and how to defeat him but Yolanda is an idiot. Instead of gathering information from Deimos, she decides to try to kill him instead. Yolanda would be a terrible gamer. This shit is all about timing, Yolanda! Even if you think Deimos needs to be killed, you don't simply try to kill him at every opportunity. You wait until you have to make a move against him. Right now, he was offering you information! Take it and then maybe try to kill him. Or take it and join him! Or take it and masturbate upside down while picturing Snorlax naked and being anally fisted by Meowth while his payday power rains money all around them. Do anything you can think of but do it after you've learned what Deimos was going to tell you!

Deimos easily defeats Yolanda and then he defeats Shakira, Warlords's cat and/or girlfriend. He then begins draining the Time Masters of their powers so that he can use the power to take over the multiverse.

Telos and Dick Grayson arrive in time to see Deimos use his new time powers to convene a meeting with the real Brainiac who is still trapped in a uSphere.

Now I have the I Dream of Jeannie theme stuck in my head.

Convergence #4 Rating: It's weird. I sometimes have to wonder why I've been doing this comic book blog for the last three and a half years. I'm definitely not as passionate about comic books as most comic book fans. I realized when I glanced at this cover and knew it was by Tony S. Daniel that I don't ever remember being so into comic books that I could normally do that. Sure, I could recognize some of the most obvious cover artists of the time. Simon Bisley, for instance. You know, I could recognize the covers that any true comic fan would scoff at and mutter, "Obvious!" Passionate fans remember the issue number of comics that meant something to them. I remember, vaguely, the title of a series that I once read that had a story that I kind of remember enjoying. What I'm trying to say is why am I doing this blog?! There are so many other people better suited to a task like this because they actually remember the last thirty years or more of comic book character histories! I remember everything that happened in Elfquest and Cerebus and Shade the Changing Man and that's about it. The rest is just blurry, vague impressions of stories I either liked or didn't like. Even Suicide Squad which is my favorite "masks" comic book, I can only recall a handful of moments that have truly stuck with me.

So why am I doing this? Fuck if I know. I just know that one of the things I truly love about comic books is the never-endingness of it all. The stories just keep going and going and the heroes persevere and survive and keep on keeping on and there's something magical in that which feeds my need for something eternal, no matter how illusory. Plus there is a lot of punching and pretty pictures!

Anyway, Convergence earns five out of five Who Gives A Rat's Asses.

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #1

I'm glad they throw that "Batman" above the "Shadow of the Bat" title. I wouldn't want to accidentally buy a Man-Bat comic book.

Judging by the covers of the Convergence comic books for this week, the main city being focused on will be Post-Crisis or Pre-Zero Hour or Post-Zero Hour Metropolis. I guessed Metropolis simply because this week has Superboy, Supergirl, and Steel. But this cover kind of gives it away anyway with Batman Azrael jumping past the Daily Planet.

I guess with one of the comics being "Green Lantern/Parallax," I should have firmed up my vote for Pre-Zero Hour. But even though there's about ten years between Crisis and Zero Hour, Post-Crisis and Pre-Zero Hour are still kind of the same chunk of the DC Universe, you know?

Oh boy! The original WildC.A.T.s! I hope all of the writers remembered to give them horrible dialogue and all of the artists remembered to draw too many lines and pouches on them! And I think all of them should have at least one shiny or scarred or eyepatch-covered eye! Maybe that was just the X-men when Liefeld was drawing it. Or am I thinking about X-factor? Does it matter as long as there is an "X" at the front of it?

Let me get this straight, Narrator. A place doesn't begin to truly exist until it's been gentrified? I think some people might call it an ending too. And even though you've covered your ass by mentioning its a warehouse district that's been gentrified and not a lower economic district, that's still an ending to a lot of people because why do you think an area gets gentrified? Sure, low property value. But you also need buzz, incentive, and word of mouth to get people to move to the area. So my guess is that these "warehouses" were being used as cheap lofts for artists and a thriving art scene was beginning in this area. And then developers got cartoon money signs in their eyes and the artists were gone soon after. And now it's just a shallow, hollow representation of something that had previously had a real community and a soul.

Currently on the edge of Metropolis where everything is ending, Bruce Wayne is being threatened by Tobias Whale. He's Wilson Fisk's uglier, more bloatedly corpselike cousin. Tobias leaves Bruce to be beaten by his henchman, Johnny New Guy. I guess Johnny New Guy needs a nickname so they're going to see how he tortures Bruce Wayne to see what might stick. Johnny Popsicle Stick? Johnny Toothy Blow Job? Johnny Aggressive Rim Job? Easily Bribed Johnny?

Turns out he already has a nickname: Azrael! Ugh! I hope he gets killed before he has a chance to continue to exist in the DC Universe. He always reminded me of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch. I just wanted to stick a javelin up Oliver's ass and post him on the front lawn as a warning to future television show writers. I'm not going to defend The Brady Bunch as a powerhouse landmark television show but who the fuck decided the show was more interesting by introducing an annoying little albino troll into it? Staked right next to Cousin Oliver would be Andy from Family Ties and Olivia from The Cosby Show (although she might have used her psychic powers to see me coming and gotten away). Apparently introducing a small child into a series works or else why keep doing it? I guess there's a television watching demographic that only watches shows with totally adorable children in them OH MY GOD they say the cutest scripted things!

Oh! Maybe I should get a cute kid mascot for my site! I wonder if my niece Kameila would take the gig?

Bruce Wayne wants to team up with Val-Jean-Paul Saint Whatever but Azrael is worried that Batman won't let him kill if it comes down to it. Oh, don't worry about that, Jean-Paul! As long as Batman tells you he disapproves of killing and forbids you to kill, you can still kill when the time for killing comes around. As long as Batman doesn't get his hands bloody directly, he's pretty much okay with it. He might give you all kinds of stink eye about it but what's he going to do? Kill you?

Jean-Paul agrees to work with Bruce Wayne and then beats the shit out of him anyway. For, as Bruce puts it, "verisimilitude"! That should be my constant status: "Grunion Guy is feeling verisimilitudinous!" So Jean-Paul beats him down and earns the nickname Johnny "Careful Not To Hurt A Guy's Spine."

Did Larry Hama just get a thesaurus for Easter?

Maybe he would have been better off with a style guide.

I know I'm not winning any editorial awards for my use of punctuation but that's part of the Grunion Guy style (like overusing parenthetical references (and eschewing em dashes (and not knowing how to use regular dashes (or periods (or all the punctuation, actually))))). But a double period?! Even for comedic effect, I would never journey into that heart of darkness! I know one rule and by God I will never break that one rule! Even right now when it would make me laugh by ending this sentence with a double period.

I hope some of you got the double period joke at the end of that last sentence!

Tobias Whale wants Bruce to prove himself by using his political influence to find out the route the food convoy will take for its next delivery. Bruce Wayne agrees and heads off to use his political influence on Erasmus Hall.

Or he'll just stand around as Val-Jean threatens the man for the information.

I just realized I have as much political influence as Bruce Wayne! I can also stand in the background as somebody else threatens a politician to do what they want! Yay for the machinations of politics! I wish somebody had gotten me a thesaurus for Easter so I can know if I used "machinations" right! Maybe I should have stuck with my original line, "the cyborgs of politics!"

Holy shit! Don't mention cake in front of Tobias! Not in this post-cake climate!

Tobias is happy that they now know the route but he's worried that Erasmus Hall will get a "pang of conscience" and go back on his deal. So he does the typical thing that mobsters do to make sure somebody working for them isn't a cop: they ask the guy to kill somebody for them. Tobias Whale isn't a very good mobster. Didn't he just bring Bruce Wayne on to use Bruce's political influence? Shouldn't he trust that Bruce Wayne's political influence (we all understand that every time I type "political influence," I actually mean "money," right?) has placed Erasmus Hall in their pocket? If he's just going to threaten and kill politicians, why the fuck does he need Bruce Wayne? I think The Whale is just toying with Bruce and Val-Jean-Jean-Val.

It turns out Whale already had his goons throw Erasmus off of a building after Bruce and Johnny-Paul's meeting. It's all over the news which is playing in the background of their mobster meeting because this is a comic book. Rule One of comic books is that a television set must always be nearby tuned to the local news.

This is an absolutely fair representation of the media. "Your husband is dead, miss! How does that make you feel? What's your daughter crying for? Is she sad at the bloody passing of her father?"

I know that what I'm doing doesn't mean anything and it isn't making the world a better place. But it isn't actively making the world a worse place either (unless you're Scott Lobdell's mother and then I'm truly sorry, ma'am, that your son is so awful at writing that it turns me into the werewolf version of my usual cheery, comic book reviewing self). But television reporters generally can't say that. They intrude on people's lives in a desperate attempt to get more viewers and more fame and more recognition and more money for their outlet. And what truly drives me crazy? They think they're doing the country or state or local community a service. And they truly think everybody is dying to get interviewed by them and appear on local television. Which is why I love that "Fuck her right in the pussy" guy because he shits all over their pretentious bullshit. Newscasters get so fucking offended when somebody doesn't take their on the street reporting seriously.

Come on, Grunion Guy! Pull back on the throttle! That's it! That's it! Whew. Recovered! Talking about "journalism" or "media" or "local news" always sends me into a tailspin from which I seldom recover and wind up writing the same rant over and over again. How many times do I need to bitch about the state of news media and journalism? I suppose I wouldn't care so much if they realized they're not doing anything but trying to make money. It's the attitude that they think they're needed that irks the fuck out of me. That boring ass BBC chap on PBS is about the only newsperson I can watch without completely freaking the fuck out and scaring the cat.

Larry Hama. Enough! Give me that thesaurus right now!

I'm beginning to think maybe Larry Hama had a crazy mother that told him to "get thee to an OED!"

For being the World's Greatest Detective, maybe Bruce needs to do a little soul detecting on himself. He thinks he's Bruce Wayne and not The Batman? Laughable! And sad! He just sounds like that girl that protests too much in that Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I think it was Peppermint Patty?

Batman and Azrael are waiting to stop Tobias's hijacking of the food convoy. Azrael leaps off the building when the trucks arrive while Batman carefully takes the stairs.

This is the denouement? When did I miss the climax?! Also, I didn't realize Road Warrior was an hour and a half of denouement!

Batman is going to kick himself for having that nagging broken back because a lot of innocent people die while he's taking the stairs. The Whale's plan was to kill the convoy's protection and then kill the drivers of the trucks. After that, his team would hook the trucks up to tow trucks to haul them away. I don't like that plan. He should have hired some helicopters with gigantic magnets underneath to catch the trucks and fly them back to his compound!

That's "another think coming," lady. I guess Larry Hama didn't get a book of sayings to go along with the thesaurus and the OED.

I know people say "another thing coming" so much that it's basically the accepted version of the saying now. Even Judas Priest got it wrong and we know how scholarly they usually attempt to be in their lyrics. The other saying I can't help but mention when I pedantically correct somebody getting this one wrong is the "music soothes the savage beast" line. It's breast. "Soothe the savage breast." Lesson ended! Mic not dropped because nobody actually fucking cares about this petty shit. Fuck, even I don't really care! Say whatever you want! What do I care? In another ten years, I probably won't even be able to communicate with the next generation!

Batman confronts Tobias Whale and I'm pretty sure there's some Moby Dick references here but I wouldn't know having never read it. I think it's about a white whale who is drinking buddies with a guy named Ahab who rides around on a gay luxury liner making outfits out of whale dick skin.

Dammit, Bruce! You should have said, "I'm tired of your repartee, so I'm going to end your partay!" Plus I would have gone with the "BLAMMO!" sound effect.

While Whale is busy getting punched in the face, he's also busy watching Azrael kill his henchmen. That way he can say to Batman, "You're practically a murderer because you're teamed up with a murderer! In your face!" And Batman is all, "Eww! Why I'll...actually, I don't care. None of my business if other vigilantes are murderers. As long as they kill people who have, at least, just slightly broken the law. Those miscreants deserve it!"

The next big battle is Batman trying to talk Val-Jean out of murdering the last of The Whale's henchmen. She head butts Azrael's helmet and screams, "Butt out, Bat-creep." That, apparently, is too much for Azrael and now he just has to murder her. How can he not? If he doesn't kill her now, the terrorists win. Plus if he lets her live, he might be sent into an existential quandary which will cause him to start singing "Who Am I?"

Planet Brainiac decides it would be a good time to explain the rules of the upcoming contest. Batman wants to try to stop the battle from happening but Azrael just wants an excuse to punch things in the face and then to put a bullet in that face too. They don't know it yet but their opponents are two WildC.A.T.s, Jester and Pilgrim. They have metal chins and sketchy appearances. Pilgrim can "time-slip" because she's probably named after Billy Pilgrim which is like totally smart and shit. You know it's super smart because even that kid in that movie about football, Varsity Blues, was reading Slaughterhouse Five which totally showed how his character was smart and shit. The other WildC.A.T. is named "Jester" because he either pilots jets or says brutally truthful things to people without fear of reprisal.

One more opponent will apparently appear next issue because reality shifts right at the end of the comic book in such a way that even Batman can feel it even though I don't know where he developed his "reality shift detection training." I bet it's Pariah! Or Kingdom Come Spectre! Those are my only two guesses because I can't remember enough about Crisis and Kingdom Come to make any others. I can name characters and seem like I remember stuff though! Lady Quark! Harbinger! Magog!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #1 Rating: The art in this issue was that weird kind of sort of realistic art that doesn't quite do it for me kind of art, you know? And the story was that kind of recycled undercover infiltration kind of story that's kind of tired and overdone, right? And it didn't even need to be in this! It's almost as if Larry Hama decided a few pages in that the undercover shit wasn't really going anywhere so he just put the heroes in costumes and let them go toe to toe with The Whale. Although since the WildC.A.T.s time-slipped, maybe their knowledge of the undercover personas of Bruce Wayne and Jean Val-Jean will come into play next issue. I would find that acceptable! Since I have nothing left to say about this comic book, here is a cartoon about some bats that live the Batman philosophy of life.