Batman #43

Catwoman #43 was on top of Batman #43 in my comic book stack and now I'm super turned on.

After that initial caption, you might be wondering why I'm reading a comic book instead of masturbating. You also might be wondering why I'm reading Batman before Catwoman if Catwoman was on top. Well, it's because I wanted to read Batman. You also might not be wondering anything at all except whether this was a good comic book and you're waiting for me to tell you if you should like it or not. You also might be wondering how many typos I'll make this time since my commentary on Batman #42 was riddled with them. Holy shit. I thank everybody reading for not jumping all over me and my incompetence!

Bruce Wayne continues to live the life he never could before by working at the children's center in the narrows and engaging in a romantic relationship with a woman named Madison (MADISON!). He should probably thank The Joker for allowing him to have a real life. I suppose he'll get back to being Batman when Madison winds up dumping his ass because he's emotionally withdrawn and constantly asks her to wear clown make-up in the bedroom. But until Madison comes to her senses and/or winds up next to the lettuce in the crisper, Bruce refuses to participate in the Robo-Batman Project. Gordon stops by to see him and ask for help but Bruce is all, "What?! Why are you coming to me? How did you connect me to The Batman? I'm totally not that guy! I'm just trying to live a broke-ass life! Leave me alone!" But Jim Gordon is all, "Wink! Wink! Okay, Bruce! Wink, wink! I'll leave you alone! Wink, wink! But here's some evidence from a new villain in town, just in case you feel like helping save the city. Wink, wink! Do you get why I'm winking, Bruce?!"

Outside the community center where Jim is hassling Bruce, Alfred and Clark Kent sit in a car discussing what happened to Bruce.

I knew it! Batman is the second coming of Christ!

Alfred explains to Clark how Bruce was dead but the dionesium brought him back to life. But it changed him. It took away the Batman and left only Bruce. So Alfred had to help Bruce remember his life again. Didn't this already happen? Wasn't there a story about Bruce losing his memory and needing to be reminded about his parents' death and how he became an obsessive monster? And in it he was told about the death of his parents but he had no emotional connection to them so it didn't really mean anything? Wasn't that a story and why can't I remember what it was from?

Alfred tells Bruce everything right up until becoming Batman when Bruce stops him and asks, "Are you trying to seduce me, old man?" Then thirty-three year old Bruce leaves for two days but rises again on the third to tell Alfred that he understands they once had a relationship and parents and lots of money but that he doesn't feel connected to any of it anymore. And that's when Julie Madison stops by to give Bruce a couple of jobs (helping kids, and hand, not necessarily in that order).

Superman hears Alfred's story and says, "Alfred, if you won't ruin Bruce Wayne's new chance at a happy life, I will! Because if you haven't heard lately, I'm a total idiot and dick in my own comic book. It super sucks and I'm glad you invited me to be in a good comic book for awhile but I plan on ruining this one too because everybody loves Batman so fucking much! Why don't they love me that much, hunh?! Can you answer me that?!" But Alfred pulls out Bruce's kryptonite cockring and says, "Tsk tsk. I wouldn't do that if I were your ass." Alfred points out that the Dionesium healed Bruce so completely that it healed the trauma which created Batman. Everything Bruce learned to be The Batman is gone. Although I'm sure that one instant of trauma will bring him back! So who's going to do it to save the city? Who's going to shoot Julie Madison in the face right in front of Bruce's eyes, hunh? Will it be Clark? Alfred? Damian?!

Alfred shows Clark the final Bat-Invention which proves that Batman was an insane monster. It's a machine that, if ever finished and perfected, would grow a twenty-seven year old human from Bruce Wayne's DNA and fill the new clone with all of Bruce's memories so that it would willingly become the next Batman. It's the fetus of the Eternal Batman story seen in earlier stories. I guess somebody is going to have to perfect the memory part of it and trick Bruce into sitting in it if nobody has the guts to murder Julie Madison.

It's all kind of sweet. But I'm sure Alfred will eventually realize he's acting selfishly and he'll have to give his boy back to the city.

But that's enough with old Batman. Now that everybody knows what happened and what will eventually need to happen to set everything back to normal, we can just sit back and follow the adventures of Commissioner Batman until he completely fucks it all up.

Commissioner Batman has currently left the Honey Bunny Bat Armor behind because he's doing some stealthy investigative work. He's infiltrated the lair of the Devil Pigs to find any information he can on Mr. Bloom, the flower faced monster. The mission is being run with Julia Perrywonth and without the knowledge of the Powers Company, so Commissioner Batman can't use any of the suit's tricks without alerting his corporate overlords. And that means it all gets to fall apart because nobody knows where these two are now. Well, Commissioner Batman winds up trapped in an industrial furnace being cooked to death while Julia is attacked by a Devil Pig while leaving the communications van to help Gordon. It looks like curtains for Commissioner Batman!

Elsewhere, Duke Thomas breaks into the Youth Center's files and steals the inactive Mr. Bloom seed Jim gave to Bruce to investigate. This looks like a job for We Are Robin! Duh duh dun dun duh duh dun!

And finally, The Penguin meets Mr. Bloom. The Penguin tries to kill Mr. Bloom. The Penguin learns that not all problems can be solved with a single bullet. The Penguin learns that he's not as important as he thought because The Riddler has had a nice long story in Batman and The Joker has had a nice long story in Batman and even Clayface has had a bit of a story in Batman. But all The Penguin gets is stabbed in the stomach by Mr. Bloom after only two pages of a guest appearance. Sorry, The Penguin! You're just not worthy of a story in the main Batman book. Sad penguin emoji. Winking Killer Whale emoji.

Batman #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. Snyder must have found a great deal at the cliffhanger store because this issue was jam packed with them! Oh god. I'm starting to sound like an actual reviewer! I came up with a stupid fucking tag about non-existent stores that sell things that are never actually for sale because I don't actually have anything intelligent to say about this comic book! Anything I say would be just pointing out the things Snyder already wrote much more eloquently and with less swears than I could ever write! Like the bit about the Dionesium healing The Batman out of Bruce Wayne's head because The Batman was created from scars and trauma and things that can be healed! And that bit about how Bruce's new life with no knowledge of The Batman is like a peaceful afterlife that Batman has earned for his long sacrifice! Or how Julie Madison has a flower tattoo on her arm that seems an awful lot like Mr. Bloom's flower print! Oh wait, that was something that Greg Capullo drew and not something Scott Snyder wrote. See? I can't even write better than Capullo draws! Jesus, I don't even know if I can write better than Rob Liefeld draws! I think my writing is more on par with Marat Mychaels' art! I'm going to go cry now. Um, read Batman! It's good!

Catwoman #42

Why have all of my Catwoman covers been so silly lately?

I think Genevieve Valentine could write a really great Catwoman story. I wish DC Comics would put her on Catwoman!

This comic book is still suffering in much the same way Green Arrow suffered for so long. Both comics were written terribly by different writers for years. But then Green Arrow turned around when Jeff Lemire took over. It was written much better but it still didn't feel like a Green Arrow comic book. And now Catwoman is finally being written well but it's just not a Catwoman comic book. I suppose I could look at it as some kind of Catwoman Year One book. Maybe she grew up in the periphery of Gotham Mafia life while toying with being a super villain burglar by the name of Catwoman. Forget all the Nocenti "adventures" she had. Let's pretend she only had a few major capers, just enough to have built a bit of a relationship with Bruce. Perhaps we can forget about Winick's Catwoman #1 where Batman and Catwoman fuck because that really didn't go anywhere, right? So Bruce and Selina have enough of a flirtation going on that Selina now wants to hunt down Batman who has supposedly died. Her Gotham Mafia life she wasn't really interested in and was only thrust into when Rex found himself in prison is really beginning to fall apart due to her personal conflict with Black Mask. What better time then to don the Catwoman suit for good and truly become the Catwoman DC fans are hungry for? After this Gotham Mafia story arc ends, it will have built a history for Selina and built a better, fleshed out world for her individual adventures. We can understand better where she fits into the criminal underworld of Gotham City. Valentine has already set up a beautiful character sketch of Selina and her philosophy and morals. We have seen how she wants to help Gotham as much as Batman does but with a different set of tools and a vaguer sense of morality. Seen this way, I can truly appreciate what Valentine is doing. Right now, she's building up Catwoman's foundation and the framework of her life. With the disappearance of Batman as a catalyst, perhaps we're finally going to get some sheet rock put up so it really begins to look like the house we want Catwoman to live in.

That was such a bullshit strained metaphor! I'm such a terrible person for having written it! That's what happens when I write stuff that I truly believe instead of spewing my usual gobbledygook which I forget about as soon as I'm on to the next paragraph.

Keyes and Alvarez are still in this comic book doing mediocre police work.

Selina is too busy trying to get the crime families loyal to the Calabreses to accept the Falcones back into their fold to look for Batman. She'd better hurry though before he marries his new boss Mrs. Madison. I have a feeling Selina is going to discover Bruce's secret identity in her search for Batman. That'll help bring the two closer together.

If DC were smart, they'd allow Batman and Catwoman to trust and care for each other. It would be a much better relationship than Batman constantly lecturing her on her methods of helping Gotham. Let them have a relationship where they help and support each other even if they know that they can't completely commit to each other because of their love of the city and their need to keep it safe. Then DC gets the best of both worlds. You keep them at a distance so they're always in that tantalizing will they/won't they relationship and you get them actually caring about each other instead of being dicks to each other! It's not hard, DC Comics.

Selina is still meeting with The Penguin in secret as they try to figure out a way to bring down Black Mask without causing a gang war. Black Mask doesn't seem to care as much for subtlety. A Hasigawa assassin tries to murder The Penguin but Selina saves Oswald's life. Penguin kills the assassin so Black Mask will be none the wiser as to Cobblepot and Kyle's relationship. Of course he suspects it exists which is why the assassination attempt, I'd imagine. But even if Black Mask doesn't trust Penguin and his Forster Lane Crime Family, he can't act like he doesn't. This Mafia Crime stuff is so complicated!

Except it gets more complicated because the assassin was after Selina which, it's possible, The Penguin knew. Selina also doesn't fully trust Cobblepot with good reason. His loyalties kick in precisely at the moment he can see who will win. Until then, that bird is going to ride both trains to Winningtown.

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with my metaphor machine?! I think it's on the fritz because my head is overheating trying to pretend that I understand all of this underhanded Mafia business!

How about I forget about all the intrigue and concentrate on Catwoman's search for Batman? That's something I can understand!

She's under the sofa! Up in the springs!

Catwoman decides to search Bill Turner's place and runs into Spoiler who seems to be after Turner's Bat-Records too. Spoiler is a bit lost now that Batman is dead and her father is dead and Harper doesn't have her own comic book title. Spoiler thinks Catwoman needs a sidekick so she attacks Catwoman to prove her worth. But Spoiler isn't worth much yet so Catwoman just knocks her down, gives her some lousy advice, and leaves.

After the Spoiler spanking, Catwoman finishes her search of Turner's residence and finds a key hidden on the outside of the building where only Bats could find it. So she's on to something! Probably Batman's secret identity!

And then Catwoman offers to help train Spoiler. But not Catwoman Catwoman! Eiko Catwoman! That must mean she's going to get her own comic book soon and it will probably be called Catwoman Loves Spoiler.

Catwoman #42 Rating: +1 Ranking. Selina is moving further away from the Crime Family Business in small increments every issue. She spent much more time in the Catwoman suit this issue at the expense of leading the family. Antonia had to head up some a meeting of the crime families to figure out what to do with the Falcones and it seems she squared it all away. She can handle leading! Great! Now Selina can slowly let Antonia and Ward completely take over, right?

I have one last question: What is this a drawing of and why did this artist show it to The Penguin? Is it supposed to be Spoiler? Does this mean Penguin has people spying on Catwoman? Or is it something entirely different that I'm too stupid and confused to figure out?

Batman Eternal #48

The Penguin is behind it all!

Would Scott Snyder fans turn against him if he revealed Oswald Cobblepot to be the mastermind of this entire operation? Obviously the mastermind is Owlman since Spoiler saw Bruce Wayne planning it all, but let's pretend for a second that a different bird were behind it all. The Penguin gets little respect because he's not a physical match for The Batman. But wouldn't it be nice if Batman were reminded of the reasons why The Penguin is one of his greatest villains? He has the wherewithal, intelligence, and resources to pull off a scheme like this. He doesn't have the same intimate knowledge of Batman and his secret identity needed for this shitstorm, which the real mastermind, Owlman, has. But he also has a public persona that means as much to Gotham as Batman's public persona. I think Oswald should find out Batman's secret identity so that they could constantly glare at each other over their giant scissors during ribbon cutting events. Although then I might have to read Batman comic books about the intrigues of city politics and I'm already having a hard time trying to follow the underworld politics plot in Catwoman, so maybe that's a bad idea. Maybe The Penguin should just remain a weaselly little bastard running the Iceberg Casino just legally enough to keep Batman from caring about it. That's the kind of easily digestible story that I can, um, digest! With my brain!

The issue begins with Jason Bard finally working on getting Gordon out of Blackgate. It's hard to tell exactly how much time has passed but I think it's been two years since Gordon was framed for causing a subway to derail by firing his gun at a fuse box. A cop being indicted for deaths caused because he carelessly discharged his weapon in public? That seems more far-fetched then a billionaire going out at night dressed as a bat to fight crime. Gotham really is corrupt if a cop can be convicted of murder while just doing his job! No wait. That's not corrupt at all! Is Gotham actually better than every real city in America? I would say yes except the whole Gordon thing was a frame up to get the only honest cop thrown in jail so all the corrupt cops can go around firing their guns crazily into the air like Yosemite Sam on a three day meth bender.

Do the kids today still know who Yosemite Sam is?

While Jason Bard works to convince the cowardly Mayor Hady to give Gordon a reprieve, the Batman Eternal Mastermind works on convincing The Penguin to murder Gordon in prison. Unless The Penguin's target is somebody else. It's hard to believe it's somebody else because of the way Jason Bard and The Penguin's stories are being told simultaneously.

The Bat-Family participates in Knightfall II: The Revenge of Knightfall. The part of the Broken Bat is being played by Red Hood. The part of the girl looking sexy while she kicks ass is being played by Red Robin. This is a picture of Batgirl's crotch being played by my hand down my pants.

The part of Penny-One is being played by Hush except he's doing it all wrong. Instead of helping the Bat-Kids, he's fucking with their suits so that they all fall victim to the villains they're facing. It seems kind of shitty and untrustworthy that Batman has everybody's suits hooked up to the Batcomputer so he can trigger their gear and gadgets. It's even shittier that he must have a list of Macros taped to the monitor so that any jerk that sidles up to the Batcomputer knows exactly how to close Red Robin's wings remotely or how to blow up all of Jason Todd's explosives on his belt or how to trigger the EMP on Bluebird's suit which probably isn't even tied into the Batcomputer at all since she just designed it like three hours ago. Unless it was ten months ago. I've kind of lost track of time in this comic book.

Batman crashed his Batplane last issue reentering the city but luckily he ditched it near a military base where he's able to steal one of their jets. But he leaves a note on the tarmac to explain where it went.

Dude. Not cool.

Meanwhile Spoiler drops off a data stick for Vicki Vale because Vicki Vale, no matter how many times she's invoked Lois Lane's name, has not been able to figure out what's going on. I don't know what's going on either so I probably shouldn't be too hard on Ms. Vale. But then I'm not an investigative reporter! But then I'm also not being written by somebody who only gives me enough information to act the way he or she wants me to act. I don't think. But Spoiler doesn't have time to explain what's on the stick because her father drags her from the building.

And back in Blackgate, The Penguin requests a meeting with Jim Gordon. I bet instead of killing Jim, he decides to work with him. The Penguin is funny like that. Especially when he makes that "WAUGH WAUGH WAUGH" sound!

Batman Eternal #48 Rating: No change. This issue is as inexplicable as a Star Wars valentine with an unclear message due to its reliance on a stormtrooper's accuracy.

Batman Eternal #14

This cover gives me an idea!

What is Batman without his enemies? Just a crazy guy in a bat costume swinging around the city peering in strangers' windows! And what am I without an enemy? Practically the same thing! Except for the swinging! And the bat costume. And any kind of clothing at all, actually. So what I need to become a truly great internet blogger is an enemy! And I don't mean an enemy like Scott Lobdell who doesn't even know I exist because I'm so far beneath him and write on the internet. I need somebody whose attention I know I can get and who I'm fairly certain, comic fans being what they are, I can really piss off! Right now, I am declaring Comicsverse my enemy! Prepare to barely notice me yipping at you and your reviewers from two blocks down the street and over one house, right next to that yellow house with the chain link fence! Metaphorically, I mean!

Now that I have an archenemy, I'm probably going to promptly forget that I have an archenemy! Maybe I should declare war on a site which also reviews every issue of The New 52 so I can make direct comparisons of their terrible writing and blindingly obvious revelations to my stellar genius and way with the words and such. I think either way, in the end, it's all just too much work for me to even care about my archenemy, no matter whom I choose.

Before I read Batman Eternal, here's an advertisement. My friend began a Twitter that he didn't tell anybody about but I'm like Sherlock Holmes and shit so I figured it out immediately and shit. Giraffe Sex Tape. I'm pretty sure he got the idea while watching Episode 1 of Season 3 of Wilfred. Anyway, you should go follow him just so he can think, "Where the fuck did all of these followers come from? Do they all have secret Giraffe Sex Tapes?"

I'd forgotten that The Joker's Daughter was running some kind of Satanic Cult from the basement of Arkham!

I felt like I was following along with the stories inside Batman Eternal due to its weekly schedule but now they've reminded me that there are arcs to this series that I've completely forgotten about! I completely forgot that Batwing and The Spectre were investigating the strange goings on at Arkham. I don't know if they tie into the rest of the crap going down in the city. It could be all of these criminals just got wind of the same thing at the same time and realized it was time to challenge Batman for control of his city. Maybe I should take a quick tally of the antagonists (the ones I can remember, anyway).

Professor Pyg. So far he's been a pawn and a distraction. But he almost got to Falcone himself and the only thing that saved Falcone was Catwoman being in the room at the same time. Batman couldn't let any harm come to her although he definitely could have dragged his heels on getting Carmine.

Carmine Falcone. Currently the main antagonist trying to take control of Gotham, although it looks like somebody even higher up is still waiting in the wings. He had neutered the Gotham Police Department until Jason Bard began taking matters into his own hands.

The Penguin. The Penguin has been running Gotham's underworld for about five years now, having driven Falcone out. He's nothing new and not much of a threat right now as Carmine has him against the ropes.

Cluemaster. Cluemaster's plans are still unknown. According to his daughter Stephanie, he's planning something nefarious.

The Joker's Daughter. She's under Arkham cutting off people's left arms and trying to summon something. The real Joker, maybe?

Catwoman. Not really an antagonist although Batman #28 has her seemingly ruling the Gotham Underworld (and the Gotham Underground which is totally different somehow). So Batman's probably going to piss her off at some point and she's going to go feral.

Deathstroke. Deathstroke is headquartered on Cadmus Island with his sidekick, a little girl named...oh wait. That's the other weekly book. Never mind.

James Gordon Jr. JGJ has only recently come onto the scene and he might just be interested in fucking with his dad.

The Nano-Virus. I have no fucking clue what this thing is doing. It seems like it may have been a mistake which Red Robin is eventually going to clear up.

There was also that guy standing by the subway track for a few too many hours whom Batgirl and Red Hood are hunting down. And that's all I can currently remember!

This isn't even a Teen Plus Rated comic book! You can't talk about Rimjobs in a normal comic book! Comic Code Violation! Injury to the (Brown) Eye! Corrupted youth! Sexy, sexy butthole licking!

Carmine is interrupted mid-anus puckering fantasy by The Penguin slaughtering all of his bodyguards. It's easy to just think of The Penguin as a misshapen, horrible little business man that runs his empire from behind a desk that's behind a bunch of people with guns. But The Penguin has never forgotten his love of trick umbrellas and murdering the fuck out of people.

Falcone is now 0 for 2 against Gotham's crazy time players.

Carmine gets lucky if you really fucking twist the definition of "lucky." Jason Bard and his team, along with Vicki Vale and her crew, appear just in time to stop Oswald from killing Falcone. So at least he isn't going to be dead in a second. But he is going to jail for criminal conspiracy at the least and breaking probably every other law on the books at the most. And The Penguin gets to join him for murder and attempted murder! And ex-commissioner Forbes will be waiting for them in prison as well! That's what happens when you team up with a cowardly mayor like Hady! He's into money and power but not into risk and long prison sentences, so he just gave up everyone when Jason Bard approached him with some audio evidence of Forbes working with Falcone.

Meanwhile on the way to Tokyo, Red Robin realizes he has a stowaway named Harper Row. He's really starting to get pissed off that she's so much smarter than he is.

Batman pays Jason Bard a visit to tell him that if he isn't willing to play by Batman's rules than Batman isn't willing to work with him. Who does Batman think he is? The Penguin? Carmine Falcone? Who is he to tell the police how to run their city? Well, Batman doesn't actually tell Bard how to run things. He just makes him defend himself and then doesn't shake his hand. I think not shaking another man's hand is highly offensive. I wouldn't know since I never shake anybody's hand because it's an overly aggressive act that means nothing. Wasn't my "Hello, pleased to meet you" good enough for you? Why do I have to touch you as well? And not just touch you but be judged by you as you test my grip! Fuck off! That tradition needs to fucking die.

I don't know what her daddy told her. I'm confused. Not as confused as when Ann Nocenti was writing her though. Have you seen how much Joker's Daughter #1 with the migraine inducing cover sells for? Holy fuck, this world is bonkers.

Batman Eternal #14 Rating: No change. I guess Jason Bard had to have some faults, didn't he? You can't have another cop as lawful and intelligent as Gordon (unless she's also a lesbian) and you can't have a butler as loyal and capable as Alfred Pennyworth. Next issue is going to deal with the crazy antics of The Joker's Daughter in Arkham and The Spectre trying to vengeance her! It might also begin with a nice sex scene because "take care of" might mean "to fornicate!" And she's already trying to mount his probably flaccid penis. I bet it flops around like Ray Bolger trying to find his balance. Weird that her daddy would have told her to fuck Crane though.

My archenemy Comicsverse doesn't have a video review for this comic book, so I'll have to point and laugh at their review for Green Arrow #32 instead! First off, Brandon the Reviewer points out that this issue is a good jumping on point for people not familiar with Green Arrow. Who isn't familiar with Green Arrow?! What's there to know about him?! It's all in the name! He's green and he, well, he's not an arrow exactly. I guess that could be confusing since he just shoots arrows and isn't one himself. I guess Brandon the Reviewer expects his audience to come to him for his golden knowledge nuggets having never read a comic book before. Or maybe they've read plenty and they just never understood them. I can see that happening if someone were to pick up Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, they might not have any idea what's going on. "So Catwoman is a race car driver? And she doesn't like her suit? Wait, she hates cats? Is she a woman? What's going on here?!"

Next, Brandon the Reviewer points out how Ollie is no longer under control of Seattle. Wait, who's Ollie?! Does he have any relation to this Green Arrow I know nothing about? And why was he king of Seattle? That sounds like a pretty sweet and laid back gig right there! I bet I could head up to Seattle tomorrow and just proclaim that I'm the king of it and everybody would be, "Yeah? Okay. Cool. Can I get you some fish and a coffee?"

Brandon the Reviewer goes on to say that Red Dragon is now King of Seattle. Who the fuck is Red Dragon? Is that the code name of Dick Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter? Maybe it's his brother from Moscow. You know the one! The one that beat the shit out of Rocky Balboan.

If you don't get that previous joke that is not a typo, don't worry. I won't understand it either when I reread this next month!

Brandon the Reviewer points out that Ollie makes a joke about Red Dart's name. He doesn't mention how Green Arrow should really stop pissing in people's mouths when they can readily piss in his mouth over his name as well. Also, Brandon the Reviewer hasn't said "fuck" one single time in the whole two minutes of his review! How does he expect to gain followers? They have to hear the word fuck over and over again or they will get bored, listless, and depressed!

Anyway, Brandon the Reviewer goes on to call Jeff Lemire "brilliant" as opposed to "hackneyed," after which he says he's "digging" Andrea Sorrentino's art instead of saying, "How do you expect a color blind person to read this thing?!" He finishes with "I think I'll be following along; you should too." I expected after that moment to hear the Reading Rainbow "du nun dunt!"

Holy shit! Fuck this commentary shit! Also fuck you, Comicsverse, because you are now my sworn enemy! Back to my fucking of this commentary shit though! I should be writing Reading Rainbow reviews for DC Comic books and then filming all the various neighbor kids reading my scripts! Genius! Granted, I might get arrested for the corruption of minors. But it'll probably be worth it! DU NUN DUNT!

Batman Eternal #7

Never ever look in a mirror at exactly 12:34:56 AM.

Once upon an every week, there was a supphissedly fictional place called Gotham City. The city was not pronounced like a parody of a milk advertisement for pork producthiss. It had a silent hiss in the middle. "Go-hiss-am Sit-eee!" That doesn't look right. But that'hiss okay because you are not a hisstupid warmblood. And even if you are a hisstupid warmblood, you would not have been able to read any of this anyway so it doesn't matter. You probably know how to pronounce all of these words without me telling you which ones have hisses in the middle of them. Most of them do not have any hisses in them at all even if sometimes they are hard to pronounce without the hissing. It is the toughhisst part of the dhissguise.

I worry that now that I have warned you against it, you are going to do it. I worry. I do.

In thiss supphissedly fictional place, a story that would not leave me alone was being told. It was like a small warmblood tugging at my tail (my coat tail, of courhiss!) and saying, "Lhissten to me! Lhissten to me! I have the jokes which make the warmbloods blurt strange noises from their mouths and sometimes viscous fluids from their nasal cavities!" But I do not like to hear the jokes because they make me uncomfortable. I do not know when the part that is funny happens so I smile with my seemingly tiny mouth and nod fervently as if I were watching a small animal on a branch jhisst above me. Then I think how lovely that creature would taste. My stomach growling hiss not the correct reaction to hearing the jokes. It makes the warmbloods uncomfortable although they do not know why. They glance around furtively for the danger they sense inherently but they mhiss it every time.

Well, most of the time. Sometimes the camera catchiss what it should not catch. Sometimes the insane see what they should not see.

Thiss hiss how we see thiss world! Gotham? Oh, now my stomach is growling!

All stories are real. You knew that, did you not? Since you were a small, angry warmblood, you knew it. All the dragons. All the princhisshiss. All the peasants and wayward knights. But eventually, knowing all stories were real was a dangerous thing to know. So the older warmbloods told you, time and time again, that the stories were lies. All lies. But they were lying. To protect you. To keep you from the mirror.

Why does Batman hide hiss true identity? Because there hiss power in secrhissy. He does not do it to protect hiss loved ones, no. That hiss one of the lies. Nothing hiss ever about the other; everything is about the one who perceives. Do not be fooled by charity; it does not exhisst. Bruce Wayne hiss a mask. Batman wears a mask. All is a mask. You would not like to see reality in its raw and undiluted form. Thiss hiss why we cover them. Thiss hiss why we break them when we can.

The cat versehiss the bird hiss the truth of most stories. It hiss all hunt and hunted. It hiss all games and hunger.

See? All games, all hunger.

So thiss Batman that hiss both real and unreal, he battles a man named Pyg. We all fight thiss battle. Everything hiss about the one who perceives and all that the one perceives hiss greedy pigs at the trough, taking what should be yours, making you hunger, making you starve. They are all pigs. Every one of them a pig. But you, I, we, whatever...different. Until you look. Until you take a peek. Jhisst phisst midnight, you can't help yourself. You must see. You must know. What do they perceive? How hiss the one that perceives perceived by the pigs and the birds?

The pig battles the bat; the bird fights off the cat. And all around them, chaos reigns. They fight for a little bit of control in their lives, in their environment. They fight for illusion. For nothing but chaos has ever been the arbiter. For to find control, one who perceives must realize perception is a lie. The warmbloods have not yet figured it out. There hiss no control but what we allow. Even your leaders do not lead. They hunger. And they play games. And they fight. But they do not lead, and they do not control, and they will never look past what they see.

The pig goes, "Lies. All lies! None of it matters!"

And so the little games, the inconsequential battles, go on all night. Pig and cat and bird and bat. While the ones that matter wait and watch and hide and eat. Yhiss, eat. So much food for us.

Batman Eternal #7 Rating: It was a diversion, no more, no more.

Batman Eternal #3

I was wrong in my last commentary. Even from week to week, I can't remember what the fuck is going on in the comics I read without the help of my Memory Blog.

The big reveal last week was that Carmine Falcone was the horrible, terrible, villainous enemy that Batman will be going up against in Batman Eternal. I think Batman is going to have a tough time of it because in the Modern Age of Comic Books, Batman must always have a tough time defending Gotham City. That means lots of people die and lots of property gets destroyed and Batman himself almost dies once or twice, but don't worry! If you're one of the citizens lucky enough to survive the kerfuffle, Batman will look like a hero! Eventually! So batten down the hatches and lock those cellar doors for the next few months! You'll be surviving on canned peaches, cat food, and rain water, but at least you'll be surviving! Maybe. Just, you know, masturbate a lot and try not to think about the chaos. Story arcs always, eventually, end and Batman is, usually, triumphant.

Okay, maybe that doesn't sound plausible, but you live in Gotham City, you jerk! Everybody is a lunatic criminal! Your dad is probably a lunatic criminal! Oh! You're probably a lunatic criminal!

Stephanie surprises her dad and his friends as they're sitting around the kitchen doing some LARPing. Her father is Cluemaster (okay, okay. Judging by all the ruined underwear from Stephanie Brown's reappearance in The New 52, y'all already knew that) but his friends don't look anything like Multi-Man or Clock King or Major Disaster or Big Sir! Although Big Sir could be the person that knocks Stephanie in the back of the head!

Cluemaster's new Injustice League looks to be made up of Signalman, Firebug (or Firefly or whatever the fuck stupid name he took up), and Riot Gear Dude. Clock King is busy in Seattle hanging out with Diggle and Fyff and Naomi. I don't think the other Injustice League members have reappeared in The New 52.

The best news coming out of Gordon being thrown in prison for premeditated train derailment is that Maggie Sawyer is next in line for Commissioner. She practically already has the job seeing as how Gordon is sitting in jail telling everybody that the evidence points to him and he fired the gun and he's a big time criminal dickhead. If Maggie gets the job of Commissioner, she can just have her ex-husband arrested for some other train derailment frame job so she can retain custody of her kid! Batwoman can probably help get that accomplished.

Meanwhile, Batman is doing the jerkiest detective work ever.

I like when he says, "Enough." Is he talking to himself? "Whoa, whoa! Hold back, Bats! One piece of furniture smashed with The Penguin's face is probably enough to get him to talk." Or was he telling Cobblepot that one offer of oysters was all he was going to tolerate?

Batman asks The Penguin if he's working with Carmine Falcone. Over the sound of The Penguin shitting his pants, Cobblepot answers, "No." Then Batman leaves through the door which is a rare circumstance! Of course, Batman kicked in the fucking door when he arrived.

Maggie's promotion might be in trouble because she's an honest cop. Mayor Hady and Carmine Falcone are sick of having honest cops in charge, so they're looking at Jack Forbes for the job. Jack Forbes is an asshole which is why he's perfect to serve under Mayor Hady who is a cunt.

Batman continues to do shoddy detective work back at the Batcave as Alfred stands over his shoulder second guessing every theory he comes up with. Luckily the bat computer points out an opportunity to break jaws has just come up on the West Side of Gotham. Batman jumps up from his chair, hiding his erection with his cape, and races off to the Batmobile.

Back at Cluemaster's house, the mysterious boss that knocked out Stephanie is not revealed. If comic books allowed the reader to hear the sound of the person's voice, I'd at least be able to rule out Catwoman as the boss! But since I can't hear the sound of the boss's voice, I can't even rule out Selina! But it would make sense that she's getting a group together to stop Carmine Falcone since she reacted so strongly to hearing he was back in Gotham City. Also, since she winds up ruling the Gotham Underground or something in Batman Eternal #0, better known as Detective Comics #FuckYou,DCFans. Also, Stephanie gets away. I don't think it's her skill that lets her get away so much as the fact that none of Cluemaster's Injustice League really have the stones for killing a teenaged girl.

Batman, being an amazing detective (world's greatest even), discovered Falcone's plan one full page ago.

I'm glad The Penguin names his mini-crime syndicate bosses because I constantly forget their names. Or simply haven't remembered their names since they were first introduced way back in Detective Comics.

As Falcone goes to war with The Penguin, Batman is left to try to clean up the mess on his own because Commissioner Jack Forbes has decided the Gotham Police Department's Number One Priority is to take down The Batman. Good thing just because he orders it, it doesn't mean it's going to get done.

Apparently the Injustice League is just as dumb as when they first appeared. They continued to discuss their plans with Stephanie in the room and then failed to keep her from leaving.

Batman Eternal #3 Rating: No change. It's Batman against impossible odds! Again! The major difference is it's in a weekly format! Hooray?

Arkham War #1

My guess is The Mad Hatter is picked last. Even after Mr. Combustible with the light bulb head.

My picks (and reasons) for my army from the characters on the cover (excluding Bane since he's the other captain!):

Deadshot. He's good at killing and, aside from a minor death wish, not insane.
Poison Ivy. With her on the team, you'd have control of every battlefield. Also less insane than the others.
Ferdie. I think even insane people are unmanned by a ventriloquist's puppet running around drilling out people's eyes. I'd only pick Shauna the Ventriloquist as well if I had to pick them together. She's fucking nuts!
Scarecrow. He's going to cause fear and chaos no matter what, so I might as well pretend that he's working toward my ends. I'd have Deadshot ready to pull the trigger on him at the first sign of him turning on his own.
The Prankster. It's modern warfare! You definitely need a techie on your team.
Man-bat. Even though I can't stand him, I'll need an air force. I'd only take the more psychotic Woman-bat to maintain air superiority.
The White Rabbit. If I need anything scouted that can't be seen by air, she'd be the best of this bunch. Not a whole lot of real super powers in this bunch, so I think she'd be uncatchable. Although she'd probably turn on me.
Killer Croc. I'd need some muscle to go against Bane's venom crazed Blackgate crew. Croc is more reliable than what we've seen lately from Clayface.
Mr. Freeze. Simply for his technology. His brand of insanity probably wouldn't really hamper the war effort either.
Talon. I suppose having an undying death dealer would be good to have. Although I might need The Court of Owls to keep him under control. And who wants them in the war room? They won't try to win the war. They'll drive it toward a stalemate! Jerks.

I think everyone else is too crazy or useless for my tastes. Who needs The Riddler leaving clues to each of your offensives? The Penguin and Emperor Blackgate are going to be more concerned with wresting control from me. The Joker's Daughter is written by Nocenti so I'm not going to want to hear her awkward, stilted dialogue. Two-Face won't take orders from anybody but his coin. The Mad Hatter has a bit of a low self-esteem problem and I think he'd resent being an underling. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are idiotic characters. Having a serial killer amongst the troops is sure to bring down morale, so Zsasz is out. Dollmaker is out for pretty much the same reason. The others I either don't recognize or I just don't know enough about, like Black Mask or Professor Pyg or The Reaper.

I'm almost certain my entire army would be wiped out almost immediately by Bane's thousands of venomized prisoners out of Blackgate along with The White Rabbit already working for him and telling Bane all of my movements. Why did I pick her?!

Anyway, Bane wants Gotham. Gotham has currently been parceled out amongst the nutcases of Arkham by The Penguin. That means Turf War! Let's go!

Bane's first stop was Blackgate to pick up more soldiers. Gee, I hope Warden Agatha is okay!

Commissioner Gordon and Detective Pierce (who just made detective last year, so I don't think I should be familiar with her. I also don't know if she's an old Preboot character either) watch the chaos from the rooftop of Police Headquarters without bothering to turn on the Bat Signal. It'd probably just seem like a mockery at this point since they've lost all hope that Batman or the other Justice League members are alive. They know Bane has taken Blackgate and he's got a small army invading from the sea. And Gotham is no longer in GCPD's control because the inmates are running the outside of the asylum. Gotham is pretty much down for the count.

You know things are bad when the title of the comic is a pun on a horrible moment in history! Why not name this "The Hollow Cost" or "The Trail of Fears"? Maybe those will be the titles of future issues!

I can tell I'm really getting into a comic book when I already want to scan my third image and I'm only on page five. I suppose scanning the title doesn't really count. But page five takes place in Gotham Memorial Hospital, so I'm already a little bit creeped out. If you want to tap into my ancestral instinct for scary places, empty hospitals usually do the trick. Which sucks for me because it's a trope that's constantly being used! Also, I don't know why my ancestors were so scared of empty hospitals that it seeped into our DNA and now I'm paying the price. But since I'm rational and science-minded, I have to believe there is a logical explanation for the thing I just made up.

Another ancestral fear: small people that all look the same. Although if they dance and sing morality tales, it mostly mitigates the fear. It's still creepy though.

Professor Pyg has been given the section of Gotham with the hospital and I'm glad he's the first psychotic to be highlighted since I know little about him. He has just finished a major transplant on a professional violinist and he's just chasing him down to examine the surgery and make sure the violinist's body isn't rejecting the donor foot.

Seems okay! I don't think he'll be very good at violin anymore. But I do sense a huge soccer contract coming his way!

The Scarecrow drops by as part of his journey across Gotham to warn everybody that the Banecoats are coming. But Professor Pyg isn't buying it. He's got the injured to heal and the sick to kill.

Pyg's hospital looks like any Grand Theft Auto game ten minutes into playing.

At this point, I'm more interested in Scarecrow's encounters with all of Gotham's insane residents than I am interested in the big war that's going to take place! It's got a nice Alice in Wonderland feel going. But pretty soon somebody is going to get punched in the face and that never happened in Wonderland. Decapitations galore. But no face punchings.

Ha! Speaking of Wonderland. But then, Gotham has always been fixated on the works of Carroll.

So what are all the normal citizens of Gotham doing during this time? Do they all have "When Gotham Falls Apart" bunkers to hide away inside? You'd definitely get your moneys worth out of one of those things. Although the money would probably be better used renting a U-haul and getting the fuck out of that city.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Prison, Bane has killed or recruited all of the inmates. Now it's time for him to fall in love with Agatha!

I sense some John McClane Die Hard shit about to go down in this prison!

The Warden doesn't give up secrets and shit because she has a fucking eye-patch. So one of the top security guards points the way to a sealed wing of the basement that houses unknown weapons. Bane breaks in and finds a half-dozen Talons in cold storage. Don't do it, Bane! Don't start another Night of the Owls crossover! Please! Although this might actually be good. It'll be a way for Tomasi to deal with all of these dangerous zombie assassins that even Batman doesn't know what to do with. They can all be killed in the Arkham War by Mr. Freeze or maybe the Gotham Butcher will feel upstaged and eat most of them.

Meanwhile the Scarecrow holds a meeting with the new Mayor Cobblepot about the impending threat looming on their Neighborhood Collective. Oswald tells Jonathan to buck the fuck up and fight for what's his. I also notice that, not having a hair cut in about nine months, I've got The Penguin's hair and hairline. Maybe if I gained forty pounds, lost about ten inches of height, and shaved off the sideburns, I could go as The Penguin for Halloween! Gaining the weight would be nice because I could blame it on the costume! But I'm not sure how to lose the height. Jump off the roof a few times?

The Penguin's plan to help the city is to destroy the bridges so that the Arkham Residential Leaders can't flee and must fight to protect their new real estate. Bane's plan to help the city is to maim Professor Pyg and the rest of the loonies. For some reason, he just has to have Gotham. I suppose that's motive enough for his attack on the city. But what's the underlying reason for the conquest? Why does he need to be the sole authority? Why Gotham? What happens once he takes control? Does he just kill, maim, and burn through all the resources until he's the sole authority of a burning pile of rubble and corpses? I don't believe he actually knows what he's going to do. This is just a super powered tantrum. His sole motive is to win or knock the playing board and pieces from the table so that nobody else can.

Arkham War #1 Rating: Villains Month may have delivered quite a few misses but I'm enjoying Forever Evil and I'm enjoying this more! I don't need super dark comics with lots of angst-ridden fisticuffs. Dark humor with the Arkham Asylum inmates though? Oh yes. Definitely yes. Peter Tomasi really knows how to write to the characters instead of just sticking cyphers in costumes and forcing them into exciting plots. The Scarecrow makes sense. Bane makes sense. The Penguin makes fucking sense! At times I feel like I can't entirely explain why a certain comic book series isn't working for me. Sure, I can attack the writer's mother's womb for the horrible disaster it brought forth into the world but sometimes I just can't place my finger on why the writer is such a disaster. Seeing how well Tomasi sculpts a script and story to the characters, now I can see precisely why Ann Nocenti is so horrible with Catwoman. It's because she doesn't know the character and, judging by interviews I've read from her about Green Arrow and Catwoman, she doesn't seem to care that she doesn't know the character! She thinks boiling historical characters down to a couple of bullet points means understanding the character. And she claims to over-research her subjects. Well, that I believe by all the bullshit lingo she adds to any story, half of which she uses incorrectly. But I don't believe she over-researches the characters she writes. But I kind of get that, as well. She wants to bring her own unique spin to the character and not be influenced by past writers. I get it. But I don't agree with it. Not in the comic book format where the characters aren't their costumes! They are an amalgamation of all that written history. You can't just fucking ignore that and then get excited when you decide to give Catwoman a cat. As if she's never had a cat before!

The Penguin! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Real Name: Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot
Occupation: Professional Criminal [Since so many bad guys are labeled as "professional criminals," I think there should be a category above "professional" for mastermind criminals like The Penguin.]
Marital Status: Single [But will mate for life eventually!]
Known Relatives: Mr. and Mrs. Cobblepot (parents, deceased; first names unknown) [You could have this entry for every human entry! Known Relatives: Mother and Father (probably!).], Miranda Cobblepot (aunt)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: DETECTIVE COMICS #58
Height: 5'2" Weight: 159 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
Oswald Cobblepot did not have a happy childhood; he was still young when his father died of bronchial pneumonia. Oswald's mother blamed this on his being caught in the rain without an umbrella, so she always insisted her son carry one. Though Mrs. Cobblepot was an invalid, she kept the family business--a bird shop--going with the help of her son, and her sister-in-law, Miranda.

Oswald's appearance, his name, and his ever-present umbrella made him the object of torment by other boys, who called him "Gobble-Gobble" and said he waddled like a duck--or a penguin. His only real friends were the birds in the family shop [I'd be hard pressed to agree that the birds were his "real friends."].

With the help of his aunt, Oswald attended college, majoring in ornithology, finding that he often knew more about birds than his professors.

But not long after graduations, Oswald's mother died. Her long illness had run up enormous debts, so much so that even the kindly Miranda was unable to help out, and everything in the store--including the birds who were Oswald's only companions [That's a more reasonable description of them.]--was seized by creditors.

Angry at what the law had done to him, Oswald was determined to switch to the other side and become a thief. He went to a known criminal, Angie by name, and offered is services, only to be laughed at and thrown out as Angie called him what the kids had called him years before--a penguin.

Oswald then made a vow: "before I'm through, The Penguin will be a name to be feared and respected! And the umbrella will be a weapon of crime second to none!"

When next he confronted Angie, it was as The Penguin, complete with the full-dress suit that accentuated his resemblance to that fowl. When Angie threatened him, he was shot dead on the spot, with the first .45 caliber umbrella. Angie's two accomplices quickly agreed that The Penguin would be their new boss [Gotham City Union Thug Rules: "You can't take over as boss if somebody outside the gang has killed the boss without first offering the spot to the rival."].

As his first job The Penguin stole a rare Prussian egret from a penthouse suite. He then escaped with his parachute umbrella, leaving his confederates to the mercy of the police--whom he himself had called [It's a wonder any of the local henchman unions would provide him with henchmen after this!]!

Soon after, The Penguin joined another gang, again taking over after killing the boss [See? The Gotham Henchman Unions are strict!]. His career of crime was off to a good start, much to the consternation of the Caped Crusader (see Batman I & II).

Ever since then, the Man of 1,000 Umbrellas has been one of Batman's mst implacable foes. Often he has based his crimes on birds and has sometimes employed real ones. His trick umbrellas are indeed formidable weapons, adding to his deadliness. The Penguin's comical appearance hides a vicious, murderous criminal mind.

He has one major weakness, however [Fish?]. This is his vanity, which The Batman has played on several times to trap the Bold Bird of Banditry.

POWERS & WEAPONS
Lacking either superhuman powers or athletic ability (though he is remarkably agile for one so fat), The Penguin relies chiefly on his trick umbrellas. He never goes anywhere without at least one of these, and sometimes carries a number in a special quiver.

He has adapted umbrellas to shoot bullets (sometimes with the canopy serving as a bulletproof shield), squirt acid, throw flames, and even spread the germs of psittacosis (parrot fever). His umbrellas have concealed swords, mirrors, and radios. They have fired gas and sneeze powder, and even served as parachutes, helicopters, and one-man rockets.

Batman: The Dark Knight #23

I guess last month's one-shot was actually a two-shot! Stupid me and my ability to accept unresolved stories!

Last month's issue ended with Batman saving Commissioner Gordon from Clayface while Clayface looked on from the street in disguise. It's at that point that I declared that story over and that it was pretty decent for a one-shot. I guess I should have known that Batman wouldn't let it end at that! Especially since he's already put Clayface in Arkham about seven times so far in just The New 52 alone.

I might have been exaggerating when I said "seven times" but I don't think by much.

I have a huge--cataclysmically huge, if I may be so inaccurate and bold--problem with people labeling criminals like these as "smart."

First off, it doesn't make somebody smart if they can manipulate the financial system to make themselves lots and lots of money. It makes them a thief. It makes them an asshole. It makes them a cheater. But it doesn't make them smart. You are not a smart person if you get ahead in some kind of game by not following the rules. Not once did I ever play a game of Monopoly where it ended with somebody stealing all the money from the bank and everybody else giving that player a standing ovation, a chorus of "Bravo," and the Nobel Prize for Ingenuity. Beating people at something by manipulating the rules or playing by a different set of rules or by ignoring the rules altogether does not make you smarter than a person who has agreed to play by the rules. It makes you the asshole who doesn't merge until the very end when one lane has been closed. Yes. Bravo. You chose to be a dick. But it doesn't mean other people didn't see that fucking option. They just didn't want to fuck everybody else in the face for their own selfish needs and desires. So fuck everybody who calls a criminal "smart" when they're able to line their pockets at other people's expense. Unless smart is also a synonym for asshole and then, well, I'm okay with that.

I think I concentrated on the wrong part of the first page! I think I was supposed to notice the guy in the Scottish Golf Chauffeur Taxi Nerd Cap melting into a pile of earwax and sliding under the door. I wonder what that's about! I bet he's one of them smart criminals!

The man sliding under the door turns out to be Clayface for anybody not reading DC Comics for the last two hundred years. And if you've been reading Marvel, just imagine The Sandman but without the buzz cut and the nice striped shirt. Boy, I hope I'm correctly remembering what The Sandman looked like in the old Spiderman cartoons from when I was a kid! Those were the ones with the Spiderman theme song that everybody remembers although some people remember the lyrics as Spiderpig now.

Sandface distracts the guards with his "Old Man Trapped in a Closet" routine while Clayman's henchmen storm in and destroy the place. After that, they're all given their pay checks and sent home for the weekend.

Kidding! He kills them all!

I suppose, in comparison, I'd have to go with those other Wall Street criminals as being smart compared to fucking Gotham City Henchmen. Why don't they learn?! I suppose because they're dead. But why don't other Henchmen see that being a Henchman never fucking pays? If people are willing to put up with this kind of treatment to be a Henchman, I can't imagine what kind of horrors the employees at Gotham McDonalds are suffering through. "Hmm, McDonald's Drive Thru Cashier or Henchman for that psychotic madman, The Joker?"

It's right about this time that the Securities Exchange realizes they're going to have to call in the Gotham City Window Repair Union and pay their outrageous prices because Batman appears on the scene. And if Batman has ever walked through a door, I'll eat my cat. I first typed "gone through a door" and realized I was opening myself up to a major technicality since I'm certain he's crashed through a fair number of those as well as windows, walls, and skylights.

Batman saves a woman and the fight gets taken out to the street where cars and hydrants and lots and lots of pavement can be smashed. How can Clayface be so malleable and yet hard as an inmate's cock at the same time?! Hmm, I think I just answered my own question.

Batman has a gun that creates one of those hard plastic tubes that Batman caught Clayface inside of way back in an issue of Batman. I think it was an issue of Batman. It was the one where Clayface turned into Damian for a moment. Anyway, Batman can't quite lock him down because the tube keeps getting hung up on shit, allowing Clayface to throw it off of himself or slip out from under it.

Once again Clayface gets away. But now Batman needs to know how Clayface knows that Natalya had a connection with Batman. I think he may be beginning to panic that his secret identity could be slipping away! He doesn't know it yet but that's okay since Batwoman is going to figure it out next issue. And she'll probably sell it on eBay just for kicks.

Speaking of smart criminals who don't play by the rules, it's The Pen...hmm, I guess "not playing by the rules" is pretty much the definition of a criminal.

Not that I feel everybody needs to play by society's rules! But most people have decided that they're going to honor a certain contract by living in a community because that contract offers safety and peace for everybody. Some shit that thinks he's getting one over by breaking into cars hasn't thought up something that nobody else could have thought up. All that shit is doing is breaking the unspoken contract of community. Basically if you don't fuck with me, I won't fuck with you and we all fucking benefit from not being fucked with. Which is why I think that if you find some little shit breaking into a car, you should be allowed one good kick in their private area or a punch in the tits. Not having female body parts, I'm not sure which one would hurt more for a little female shit.

Later Batman goes to talk with Jim Gordon by using the Reverse Bat Signal Waste of Electricity Approach.

Nothing gets an old man's attention faster than a light having been left on!

Batman smacking Jim around was a nice touch too. Especially after Jim took a swing at him for corrupting Batgirl which ended up in his son "dying." He discusses his plan to capture Clayface which involves everybody dressing up like Batman and scaring Clayface. I think I've seen this in a movie before. Gone with the Wind, maybe? Didn't everybody dress up like General Sherman to scare the South into surrendering?

And it does work! Although y'all look fucking stupid.

Batman: The Dark Knight #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. I really did not expect to enjoy this issue as much as I did. Perhaps I've had a bit too much Clayface for now (and he gets a Villains Month Book! Yay?) lately. But there were some great moments in this thing. Most of which I scanned. So, you know, don't read any of the previous shit if you don't like spoilers.

Catwoman Annual #1

Do gang wars still make for interesting stories? The last gang war I was interested in reading about was written in 1594.

The Penguin Gang War begins in the Badlands of Gotham City. They're called the Badlands because they're composed of land that has gone bad. It happens when too many dead people are buried in one place. The soil spoils. And then everything develops this psychic funk and only poor people and criminals are hardy enough to live there. Bruce Wayne would love to buy up all of the old buildings and turn them into condominiums and make a huge profit while displacing hundreds of poor residents, but he can't do it because the land has gone so bad. Not one rich person would invest in the property. It must work that way or else Batman would have already bought up all this great land that's not earning its potential due to government subsidized housing.

So the Penguin Gang is involved in this war because the missiles that are bearing down on the Rat Tales (Woo-ooo!) gang member are shaped and painted like little penguins. They're practically penguns! As these penguin missiles are flying (Ann Nocenti! Penguins can't fly! Sheesh!) through the air, Catwoman is swinging into town using her whip like a Batgrapple. Fuck, why not? Everybody else in Gotham swings from building to building. In the background, a suspicious ice cream truck delivers ice cream to kids and other highly suspicious activities. Who would bring their ice cream truck into the Badlands?! Worst business owner ever! But probably a good undercover assassin and/or police officer!

I hope Ann Nocenti informs us of an urban legend about sneakers on wires while passing it off as a fact!

And on the next page, she does! I know you so well, my lovely little Annie-poo.

I like how she leads with the myths but then covers her bases with the reality of it. "Ever wonder why cars drive around without their headlights on? It's because they want to kill you when you flash them. Or they're drunk. But most of the time, they just forgot." "Ever wonder why you see sweaters in the gutter? Because people throw them there sometimes!"

I was hit by a car once and I kept my shoes on because I'm a fucking rebel.

Back to Catwoman, I guess she came to the Badlands because she's tired of stealing shit and she wants to get into the social welfare game. She's going to save these Rat-Tales (Woo-ooo!) whether they want saving or not! This one kid didn't need saving though because he was like a car on black ice! That means he was out of control, in case you didn't get the reference. Ann Nocenti didn't think you would get the reference so she over-explained it so I thought I would over-explain it as well! I probably have dumber readers than she does, so I can never be too careful! I don't want to confuse any of you. Am I typing too fast?

Oh! Here's why Catwoman was in the Badlands in her own meows!

I wonder who knows Catwoman's cell phone number? I wonder where Catwoman keeps her cell phone? Probably in her boobs. I mean boots! I meant boots! Once when I was Captain Cold and I was throwing a large get-together in my secret ice lair, Blossom of the Power Puff Girls (Age 28, from the future) told Death of The Endless that she should come down stairs to see her boots. But Samurai Stickman thought she said "boobs" and almost killed himself when he rushed down the stairs to get a glimpse and slipped on a patch of ice. How many warnings does a super villain have to give his guests? I'm Captain Fucking Cold, Motherfuckers! Watch your step!

The Rat Tales (Woo-oo!) leader asks Catwoman to be his Second (which means the guy that will drive the car for him if he gets conked on the head while picking up a penny) but Catwoman describes how she's at a point in her life where she feels working by herself is in the best interests of everybody. Then they run from the police giggling and screaming.

"Later at the Gotham City Police Department Headquarters," Detective Alvarez and Detective I Hate Poor People argue about whether to beat up on some poor kids or ask them some questions. Either way, they want information on why people in tuxedos are beating up on Rat Tales (Woo-oo!). And when I say they "argue," I actually mean they each hold one side of two different conversations while raising their voices and pointing at each other. Maybe they really aren't talking to each other! Maybe they're both wearing bluetooth devices in the ear that I can't see because it's on the side of the panel facing away from the reader.

Even though Alvarez didn't say anything about talking to anyone, they are using each others' names. And if this were dialogue from Keith Giffen, I'd probably let it slide because it does make sense if you want to ignore all of the other times that two people speak at instead of to each other in Nocenti's books.

Selina is back at her apartment watching the live feed from the camera she stuck under Alvarez's desk. Luckily she's not simply getting more crotch shots of Alvarez as he masturbates during lunch. This time she struck gold! She gets to hear all the leads the cops have on this gang war case!

"NO! NO! Don't put your Trench Coat of Silence over the camera, you cigar smoking twat!"

I guess since it's a comic book, once Harvey blocks the camera, Selina can no longer read their speech bubbles. So now she's going to have to find her own lead on this case!

Selina doesn't get to hear Bullock's conclusion that the men in nice outfits are The Penguin's men and that means The Penguin is behind all the shoes hanging from all the wires. She also misses Detective Poor People Are Assholes do her best police work when she claims Catwoman is the prime suspect in the murder! I think her main evidence is "look at the size of her tits." She doesn't say that but it's a compelling argument.

Oh! I forgot the theme song for this issue:

Life is like a wrecked train! Here in Gotham!
Murderers and the insane! It's a bedlam!
Might meet the Batman! He'll kick your ass, man!

Butt Fails! (BRRRRT BRRT!)
Every time I watch this show my butt fails! (BRRRRT BRRT!)
Oops, I think I meant to say the Rat Tales! (Squee-eeek!)

That's all the theme song it gets. Two stanzas. I almost said one stanza and one refrain but it's not really a refrain if I never re frain it!

Meanwhile The Penguin has built another penguin shaped rocket that only homes in on Catwoman shaped objects! And he's telling Gwen about it because Gwen's the most likely person to tell Catwoman! Wait. That sounds like a bad plan! I must not know the important part of the plan that relies on Gwen telling Catwoman that The Penguin is a mean jerk-faced butthole.

Oh look! There they go again, explaining their reasons after I've already done all of my speculation! I'm glad I already speculated about him being a jerk-faced butthole because I nailed that one! Hmm, that sounds uncomfortable.

The Penguin also hires Hypnoto for some reason or another. I also don't think his name is actually Hypnoto but I can't remember what it is. I think he's one of the new mob bosses like Gas Flask Head and Mr. Toxicity. Those aren't their real names either.

Meanwhile in the Gotham City Police Department Headquarter's Morgue (whew!) Detective Poor People Stink is still trying to frame the murder on Catwoman. But the Cadaverologist informs them that the recent dead Rat Tale (Woo-oo!) died from mysterious wounds. Which is a total lie because the things he says in his first speech bubble don't add up and make it seem like an incomprehensible mystery! It's only when he reaches his third speech bubble that he reveals he's a master of the false set-up and actually has seen these mortal wounds before! That's when Bullock jumps in and starts trying to pin the murder on the person he wants to be the murderer, The Penguin! It's like each detective just picks somebody at random and then tries to make the facts fit so they can convict their pony. Boy, wouldn't it be crazy if this is how real police work were done!

....

That beat there was to give you time to tilt your head to the side and think, "But that's the way it is done!" and then to realize that that's what I meant and then to rerealize that I'm just s stupid idiot for thinking it because you're an internet reader and every reaction you have must be equal and opposite to my reaction! It's like a universal law to prove how the reader is more intelligent than the writer. That's why forums exist! So writers can always be told that they're stupid morons!

But we need it! Because every writer knows they're better and smarter and less dumb and not quite as stupid as everybody else ever! It's why that whole "books are better than television" lie continues to persist. If you write "Books are better than television," it must be true because writing is smart! But television can't announce that books are dumb because books already own that stratagem. Except now the world is full of nearly two grown generations that only read the internet and everybody knows the internet is even dumber than television!

Now my feelings are hurt! I'm so stupid. I read Catwoman, therefore I'm dumb.

Oh shit! Before I distracted myself, I was going to scan this panel with Bullock:

And to think I refrained from calling you a fat fuck earlier! I opted for "twat" instead. You, sir, are the pot smoker calling the kettle chip eater fat.

And then I solve the case because I knew no Ice Cream man would be fucking driving around the Badlands with all that cash and sweet, sweet cream! He's the fucking murderer! It's the Ice Cream Man! Don't stop him when he's passing by! Because he'll kill you!

Now is the part where I gather everybody into the room to tell them how I solved the murder. See, it goes like this. I saw the ice cream man in a bad neighborhood. But ice cream men never go into bad neighborhoods! That was my first clue! My second clue was the black Popsicle Detective Burn the Poor Neighborhoods Down was eating. I noticed this because I had to wonder: "Who the fuck eats black Popsicles?" And my third clue was the dead woman in the morgue! The Cadaverologist pointed out that she had eaten something black just before dying! And while she is poor and she might have been eating feces, the other clues point to something different! Something sinister! Delicious Death Delivered Daily! THE ICE CREAM MAN COMETH! I think there is a fourth clue as well in that a minority of penguins (albeit the most popular ones!) like ice and cold and snow and Ice Cream is best made with ice and cold and sno-cones. And maybe a fifth clue in that the name of the story is "Black Ice." But I can't count that clue since the characters don't have access to it! Now, do I have to read the rest of this annual now that I figured out how The Penguin is killing everyone?

Detective Alvarez and his partner, Detective 1%er, begin canvassing the Badlands to ask witnesses questions. And just when everyone is conveniently mentioning the Ice Cream Truck, it tears around the corner firing bullets and shooting missile pops! I think I also heard it mumble, "I would have gotten away with it if not for those pesky homeless guys!" Although I think it's just a coincidence and the Ice Cream Truck was coming by to kill the earlier victim's last known relative. That Ice Cream Truck can really hold a fucking grudge.

Worst detective ever! "The murderer weighed half a ton, was eight feet tall, white, and went 'ding a ling a ling'. It must be Catwoman!" Maybe if Catwoman wore white, I might think the description was close enough. Insulting, maybe! But close enough!

After Catwoman disarms the police, she tells them they should investigate the Black Ice. Oh! Well my fucking mistake! I guess Catwoman can read the titles of the comic book!

Now Catwoman just has to not get blown up. She finds a girl named Alice that lives "down under" to build a cape that deflects drones or something. Catwoman makes a point of wondering about the "down under" place Alice lives. I suppose she lives down with the goblin that was disappointed to see Catwoman leaving the Arkham Sewers so soon. This Alice is a whiz at making steampunk gadgets because the "down under" probably only ever advanced to steam technologies based on the venting pipes they live amongst. It totally makes sense and I can't wait until Catwoman has a grand adventure in the "Down Under" where she'll probably have a sexual liaison with the Cheshire Cat.

Now Catwoman decides to stand on top of a roof and thinks nonsense.

Excuse me: thinks poetry.

Once the missile homes in on Catwoman, she tries to shoot it with her gun that programs it to go back home. But the gun doesn't work. So Catwoman seduces the missile to buy time so she can call Alice and find out what's wrong with the gun. Dammit! I didn't get to see where she kept her phone! Anyway, Alice asks if Catwoman took off the safety.

Oh, fuck you, Alice! Why the hell would this gun need a safety?! Hmm, don't want it accidentally going off and shooting yourself in the vagina, causing your vagina to no longer want dick! Is that how it works? I wonder what would happen if I shot my butt with it?

Anyway, Catwoman shoots the missile and it gives up and heads home, blowing the crap out of The Penguin's henchmen and his cuffs.

There she goes! Acting like a Batperson again!

Catwoman swings into The Penguin's rooftop drone control headquarters where the Evil Ice Cream Truck is parked. I know why it's parked on the roof! So that Catwoman can have access to the Black Ice Popsicles and try to force The Penguin to eat one! But I don't know HOW it's parked up there! What an inconvenient place to store it! But then Ann Nocenti doesn't seem to understand that cars drive mostly at street level. She's the one that had The Joker driving a truck on some girders. And now the Evil Ice Cream Truck parks in a rooftop garage. Only the best for The Penguin's murdering vehicles! I love comic books with whimsy but shit in my mouth and call me Honey Wagon, I can't accept Looney Tunes levels of whimsy! The Ice Cream Truck isn't so bad. The Penguin is an odd duck. I get it. He likes to park on the top floor or the roof! But The Joker's truck that drives on girders of unfinished skyscrapers was pretty silly.

Catwoman can do a lot of things but she fails at the easiest thing in the world: getting The Penguin to eat! Instead, Catwoman is tackled by The Penguin's thugs and forced to look at Mr. Hypnoto! She's frozen and shackled and brought to The Penguin's aviary for another edition of Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

"Hello children! What time is it?! I said what fucking time is it, you stupid bastards! Sorry, sorry. Aunt Ann had a bad day today. I learned that baby eagles have to fight to the death because the mother eagle is too lazy to care for two chicks! I know, it's harsh, isn't it? Now you see why Aunt Ann has a drinking problem and cusses a lot. She's really angry at Mother Nature's cruelty, kids. Hey! I've got an idea! Any brothers and sisters out there? Want to ease your parents' burden? How about we start a new feature on Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm called 'Fight to the Death so Mom Doesn't Have to Work so Hard!' Why should humans be above Pandas?! You know what Pandas do, don't you, kids? They throw one cub away if they bear two! That was a pun, you ungrateful shits! But Guinea Hens are the most like humans! They try to outrun their lovely burdens! Isn't nature awesome in its majesty? Now fuck off while Aunt Ann cries in her coffee flavored vodka, you Goddamned runts."

The Penguin obviously has selfish reasons for wanting nature to treat runts differently. So he tries to explain to Catwoman how he isn't big or powerful or good looking but he has other skills. And it really hurts the illusion that he isn't just an overblown runt eagle when Catwoman goes around stealing his mother's jewels and not paying him kickbacks. She can understand that, can't she? I mean, she's a cat and all so she's kind of above all of this. But can't she just play along so the other crime bosses don't suddenly stop and think, "What the fuck are we afraid of The Penguin for?!"

The Penguin tries to bond with Catwoman over being a couple of freaks who desperately needed their mother's love and attention but Catwoman gets hung up on pointing out some thing called Original Trauma. I think I blew my Knowledge Fun Farm facts too early!

Is "freak" technical jargon?

Because The Penguin doesn't get to the point quickly enough because he has so many, many fun facts to give away, Catwoman manages to hypnotize everybody with Mr. Hypnoto's Hypno-hypnotic powers! Then she chokes, kicks, and beats them for good measure before she threatens The Penguin to leave her alone and makes her escape. On the way out of The Penguin's Aviary, she notices another one of those Rook Statues that lead to the Down Under! I can't fucking wait for that story!

Penguin's actions drive Catwoman to work with the Rat Tales (Woo-oo!) while The Penguin decides a full out war on Catwoman and the Badlands is what this comic book needs. Detective I Hate This Detective decides to harass Catwoman as much as she can because she can't solve her case. And Bullock brings the Black Ice Toxicology reports to Mayor Hady whose probably in on the drug scam and will bury the evidence. And all this excitement is just the beginning! Stay tuned for more Knowledge Fun Farm Fun Facts in Catwoman #21!

Catwoman Annual #1 Rating: Autoerotic Original Trauma. That may or may not be a good thing. I suppose it's all about perspective.