World's End #11

Sonnet #WE11: "Father's Day"

Visage of stone which taught me how to act,
Ignoring all that I desired to be.
Imagination rectified to fact.
A miracle turned into pure fury.

A dream of God, a father far away,
Reminded me that I was not of stone
Nor flesh nor blood but love and spirit made,
Which merely left me feeling more alone.

Each voice commanded me to be like him.
And though a moth attracted to each flame,
I could not bow to each and every whim,
So chose escape and neither of their game.

And so a voice I'd known yet hardly heard
Whispered, "God and Father are both absurd."

World's End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets that ranking mostly because it was one full story instead of thirty different plot threads! And I apologize, after the fact, on some of my line stresses. But fuck it! It's 400 years after Shakespeare and even he didn't pay perfect fealty to the iambic pentameter over the message or the words he wanted to use. Besides, I only spent about forty minutes on this (including the reading and coming up with a theme and sorting the thoughts of each stanza and, well, you know...the words and syllables are the easy part!).

Futures End #30

Shark! I mean, Despero! I mean, OMAC!

I sometimes wonder, "How come more people aren't reading this blog?" And then I look at how many people are actually reading this blog and I think, "Why the fuck are so many people reading this blog?" Then I get self-conscious and begin thinking about some kind of profound bullshit about which I can wax philosophic that allows me to throw in as many references to the crazy sex I have had throughout my life. I mean, crazy sex. Tons and tons of it. With attractive people even! Most of them human females! But then I think about how often I read the most trite, boring, obvious posts about life that have hundreds of thousands of notes and I think, "So! That's what people find entertaining: loads and loads of crap!" Which brings me back to my first thought: "How come more people aren't reading this blog?"

The main issue with the branding of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea (other than the name and the way I arrogantly refer to myself as a 'Grandmaster Comic Book Reader') is that it isn't focused enough. I should probably come up with a better theme than "Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti are the worst writers to ever find a job in writing." It's hard to make a living sucking up to people that love to hate other people! I constantly feel like the painting of Jesus hanging over my marital bed is judging me. "Kindness is the key," he seems to whisper as I shove my dick into another sock. "Kindness is overrated!" I grunt back as I flail like a sea lion in the tide of my sheets.

That image of me masturbating is free to use in any of your most low rent, desperate fantasies! Enjoy!

I don't actually have a painting of Jesus over my bed (also my bed is not marital). But my grandparents did! Is that creepy and kind of gross? What were they thinking?!

Lois Lane can't tell that Clark Kent is just Superman with glasses but she looks at Red Tornado and instantly realizes the robot is a version of herself? From where I'm sitting (in Portland in a chair reading this comic book, if you must know), I don't see any resemblance between them at all! Red Tornado might as well be wearing glasses.

Lois Lane did have a vision earlier in this series where she realized a robot that looked like this had been created from her doppelganger, so I actually do understand why she recognizes herself. But understanding the comics as I'm reading them isn't entertaining for anybody! My entire commentary would be, "I am comprehending this story as well as could be expected of somebody that took speech therapy classes through first and second grade and, during that time, thought of his speech therapy teacher (an elderly man) as his best friend."

Green Arrow and his army consisting of Big Barda, Katana, and a bunch of other people that don't need to be mentioned because I already mentioned the two people that will be doing most of the actual fighting storm Cadmus Island only to have their plans wrecked by Hawkcop in about three seconds.

Let me guess: Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this page?

The OMACs storm the beach along with a bunch of possessed Twofers. Green Arrow's Plan A was to sneak onto the island and shoot one EMP arrow at Cadmus which would have shut down Brother Eye. When that single arrow that was the entirety of Green Arrow's plan is destroyed by Hawkcop, it's time to move on to Plan B!

I knew it! I knew that was the entire plan all along! That EMP arrow was just a bullshit ploy to make it seem like an archer might possibly be useful! But Ollie knew all along the only person worth a damn in this Arrow Army was Big Barda! And maybe Katana.

Oliver, Red Arrow, and Barda head into the jungle to find a Brother Eye terminal for Barda to punch while the other Outsiders remain on the beach to battle the OMACs which merge into one gigantic OMAC. I don't know if that makes them any more dangerous than they already are as dozens of individual units but I guess it's impressive? Or at least very comic booky?

On their way to disable Brother Eye (or at least break one of his monitors (or unplug a few of his servers (or confront him and then sit and cry and curse the cloud))), Oliver and the others run into Slade Wilson. Usually that would mean they're screwed but then Slade Wilson runs into Mister Miracle and Fury. Pay close attention to the "Fury" part of that sentence.

Finally! Somebody died! Now don't let up, Futures End! Let the bloodbath begin!

Which part of Slade's body houses his healing factor? I bet it's in his spine! And if enough of his spine has been left dangling out of the back of his skull, maybe both halves of Slade Wilson will regenerate!

Ollie? I thought Red Arrow was Connor Hawke? Um, anyway, take care to not get stepped on by the gigantic OMAC on your way to the boats!

I know Green Arrow referred to Red Arrow as his doppelganger earlier in this series but my memory is trying to tell me that Red Arrow was Connor Hawke over in Earth-2. But my memory is a notorious liar.

It turns out Power Girl is guarding Brother Eye. Okay then. Plan B through the rest of the alphabet can probably just go straight in the trash. Unless one of those plans was "Run like fuck." That would be a good plan to use now. Although Green Arrow has one more plan in his quiver: Plan I Always Keep This One Arrow On Hand Just For The Yucks.

Has a computer system ever been designed that actually had a big red off button?

The big red button shuts down everybody on the island except Power Girl because Brother Eye decided she had the best framework for housing his system.

While Big Barda beats the crap out of Power Girl, everybody else escapes the island on their Zodiac. Except Red Tornado. And the OMACs. And a bunch of normal scientists and other workers. Then the island blows up.

Notice how I didn't add Brother Eye to the list of people that didn't escape? He hitches a ride back on Lois Lane's cell phone. She is more trouble than she is worth without Superman to keep an eye on her!

Futures End #30 Rating: Finally somebody died! Two people died! No, three people died! Wait! Holy shit! Four people died: Tornado Lane, Power Girl, Big Barda, and Deathstroke! Hopefully the deaths just keep coming now! Ronnie last issue and now this massacre in this issue? This is more like it!

Futures End #21

From this point on, I will no longer be calling any archer in the DC Universe a super hero.

Last issue, Red Robin pretended to be caught breaking into the offices of The Fast Lane by Lois Lane. He was all, "Whoops! How did I not know that you were still in the offices when I am nearly the smartest person in DC Comics and I once discovered Batman's secret identity although I really didn't but then Scott Lobdell rewrote the story for Secret Origins so that it seemed like I knew who Batman was all along because Scott Lobdell likes to pretend he had plans to do things differently when fans tell him that the way he originally did them sucked. Then he writes a new story that reveals that his old story wasn't the entire truth and the new story is the way the fans wanted it. And then he says, 'See? Now you have crow's eggs on your faces because you did not trust me and my far reaching plots which reveal themselves in ridiculous ways but eventually show that I didn't really mean for Starfire to be a cum dumpster or for Tim Drake to be stupid or for Tim Drake to actually be Robin even or for the Teen Titans to have already existed before they even actually New 52 existed or for...well, I could go on like this forever but you get my point!'"

I forget the point Red Robin was trying to make to Lois Lane before Scott Lobdell interrupted so now I have to start over.

Forget about Red Robin and Lois Lane. That story isn't going anywhere unless they begin fucking. Let's remember together where Deathstroke and Grifter were! No wait, they were on Cadmus Island. That hasn't changed for dozens of issues. I actually don't think I need to recap anything because then I'd just be repeating all of my recaps from the last twenty commentaries because the plot on this thing moves slower than a snail crapping molasses.

Your army of archers? Get out of there, Barda! You're just going to wind up carrying them all! And Green Arrow will take all the credit! And he'll steal your technology for Q-Core! Unless it's Q-Corps! Maybe it's Cuke-Whore?

Red Arrow, who didn't die over in Earth 2 even though he was dead over in Earth 2, tells the story about the war that's been referenced multiple times in the last twenty issues. Earth 2 was overrun by Apokolips forces, so a bunch of ships full of Twofer heroes and civilians escaped to The New 52 Earth. But they were followed by parademons! New Earthers were all, "Oh man! Fuckin' dicks! Don't drag your shit onto our doorstep!" Although some New Earthers weren't total dicks and were actually super heroes (not Green Arrow, Roy Harper, or Emiko), so they decided to help battle the parademons (with the help of Green Arrow, Roy Harper, and Emiko). And I guess they won even though they suffered terrible happiness like most of the Teen Titans being killed. Big Barda thought Mister Miracle was killed early in the conflict but Emiko has told her different. So Barda is kind of impatient with Red Arrow telling her the story that she already knows.

I'm a little impatient as well! Most of this comic book has now been simply putting all of the various references to the war into a linear story. Does DC Comics think we're morons? They already told us this shit and we, the most intelligent readers of comic books ever (that includes most of the people that read this blog. Most! All of you that I don't mean, you don't know who you are because you're so fucking stupid. Ha ha! Stupids! All of you that are smart enough to know that you're not a stupid dumb dumb, point and laugh at the stupids with me! No wait! Don't! That's mean! I would never do that! I mean, starting from this moment where I just realized it was mean, I will never do that!) have already pieced this story together! So hopefully Green Arrow has something fantastic to say before the story gets to some good old fashioned fucking!

What is old fashioned fucking? Sepia toned fucking in dirty Victorian rags? Or just looking suggestively at somebody's ankle from across an empty room where proper decorum dictates the sexes remain separate. Lucky Victorian homosexuals! I mean, lucky right up until Oscar Wilde over played his hand and ruined it for everybody! Not that I'm blaming Oscar Wilde for the uptight bigotry of the closeted people of power which turned the fear of penises touching into a complete loss of male intimacy which eventually turned most men into obnoxious dudebros! Don't try to deconstruct me into being a victim blaming asshole, you opportunistic piece of righteous wrath and perfection! Stop trying to make me look bad by purposefully misunderstanding me!

See? Just like I typed earlier! I knew New Earthers were jerks! I mean, I was only guessing before! But now that I have proof, I knew it all along.

After the war, Green Arrow began investigating the government agency that demanded Twofers carry ID cards and obey a curfew. It was probably run by Sloan and Sloan! But during his investigations, he ran afoul of Deathstroke and met Red Arrow, his Christmas Doppelganger. Although I agree with Red Robin: he seems more like Speedy's doppelganger. Together, the Christmas Arrows discovered Brother Eye and a traitor named Maxwell Payne and, eventually, Cadmus. They knew Cadmus was collecting all the Twofer heroes and squirreling them away on a secret island. But Green Arrow knew he was no match for Deathstroke since Deathstork Deathstroke is a super hero and Green Arrow is just this guy, you know? So Green Arrow had to gather an army together to fight his war for him! His army was mostly just The Outsiders (not the awesome Outsiders with that cute little Halo and that hilarious Metamorpho and that cool dude Black Lightning and that motherly murderer, Katana...oh wait! Katana actually was in his Outsiders! But not the others!) and some normal, every day people that knew how to string a bow. But now that they have some actual muscle on their team (Big Barda!), they're ready to invade Cadmus!

But not yet because that story took up this whole issue. You'll have to wait a few more days to find out if Hawkman and Amethyst have Nth fucked. Unless you're relying on me to tell you about Issue #22. And then you'll have to wait a lot longer because I'm going to be in Denver for a week.

Futures End #21 Rating: No change.

Futures End #14

Finally somebody is going to die in this comic book! Although if Deathstroke survives the fight versus Big Barda, I'm going to send a harshly worded tweet to every one of the Futures End writers.

This is for the older readers out there: Did you ever wonder why Janice of The Electric Mayhem was working as a nurse at a veterinarian's hospital? Discussing The Muppets the other day with the Non-Certified Spouse, I realized what that was about. She was only working there to get her hands on the ketamine! She may have done ketamine herself but I think it was really Zoot's drug of choice. Dr. Teeth was obviously on acid and shrooms after having long put away the meth addiction that earned him his name and his gold teeth. Animal is coked out and on PCP. Heck, the ketamine might have been used initially to sedate Animal for The Electric Mayhem's gigs until Zoot took a liking to it. Floyd and Janice seem to primarily roll with the Mary Jane.

One of the best things about The Muppet Show is that my theories in the previous paragraph aren't based on wild, unfounded speculation. Jim Henson's Muppet Show was for adults no matter how many kids it attracted due to the fuzzy animals and Kermit's association with Sesame Street. Those Muppet rock stars were built to look like they were fucked up. And even if somebody wanted to argue that The Electric Mayhem were straight edge, I'd still point out that Gonzo was backstage fucking chickens. And he wasn't ashamed of it either (I'm not saying he should have been. That fucker was a bold weirdo and my childhood hero)! I refuse to watch Muppets From Space because fuck everybody that took over after Henson died (his son included!) because they didn't understand any of it. Gonzo is not a space alien. And I love space aliens! But I hate that they decided he needed to be explained somehow. Can't a motherfucker just be left alone to be a simple motherfucker? Or should I say chickenfucker? And if anybody wants to argue that The Muppets didn't crash and burn after Henson died, I only have one word (plus an intensifier) for you: fucking Elmo.

The opening scene of Futures End #14:

Go Barda! See if his healing factor is any good at curing his own head up his ass!

Of course the real problem here is Fifty Sue. She's one of those creatures that can think something and it happens. And if Emiko hasn't put an arrow through her skull yet, she's already too late. And as you can see by the scanned image, no arrow is sticking out of either of Fifty Sue's eye sockets.

Fifty Sue uses her magic powers to stand on Barda's tits while punching her in the face eighty zillion times. I counted.

Emiko decides to take over the fight against Deathstroke. Now, Emiko has a lot of spunk and pent-up emotional baggage and anger at her parents and the death of her brother but I just don't think that's going to be enough for her to beat Deathstroke one on one.

Then again, Slade is pretty fucking old. His reflexes aren't what they used to be.

Emiko also shoots Fifty Sue with an Immolation Arrow. While Deathstroke bleeds out and Fifty Sue bakes, Emiko and Barda beat feet. But only if "beat feet" means they run away like a racist stereotype. You can insert whatever race you think best fits the role of coward; I'll take no part in your disgusting portrayal of people not like you.

Guess what's happening with The Key's gang? Fourteen issues in and do you think they're ready to raid Terrifitech? Do you think I just read a scene where they've worked everything out and are finally ready to move? I probably wouldn't be asking this question if they finally had worked things out, would I?

But they're really close now! Maybe by the end of this issue close!

Later at Columbia University, Madison "My Father is a Treasonous Monster" ICan'tRememberHerLastName has joined a radical feminist group that wants to put a stop to sexual violence. I don't know about that. That's a pretty controversial subject! What about people that like to commit acts of sexual violence? Have you not thought about their feelings? Who's to say their beliefs aren't valid? Oh! You know what? I bet she wants to put a stop to non-consensual sexual violence! Oh yeah. I can see that! That's a little less controversial.

The one page scene also bores me with Cal returning the necklace to Mad because he wants to be able to track her with his super secret Red Robin tracer inside the pendant. The most entertaining part of this scene is Red Robin's horrible fucking beard.

What is going on on your stupid face, Cal?!

When was the last time I talked about masturbating? I don't seem to talk about that as often as I used to. I apologize to all the readers whose favorite moments were those I spent discussing self-gratification! I'll have to work that into my reviews more often.

Meanwhile back at Cadmus, we learn that "collaborator" is an offensive term and that Geoff Johns isn't the only writer at DC that enjoys poking hornet's nests.

Saying somebody falls like a girl is funny because how else are you supposed to fall? Men and boys never fall! It's the number one reason given for sex reassignment surgery (female to male): "Tired of falling down all of the time."

Cole has fallen down into the subterranean holding facility of Cadmus where they keep Earth 2 prisoners and OMAC guards. Once he brushes himself off from the long girl fall, he has to deal with the OMACs. He doesn't do a very good job of it so Fifty Sue has to help out. Even though she's the one that shoved him through the ceiling grate in the first place.

Wrong! Your fat was literally on fire, you dumb-dumb face! Wait, is "dumb" ableist? I meant you slutty cunt!

I'm trying not to swear as much because I want my mother to be able to read my blog. And the best way for her not to know it's me writing nasty things about my mother is if there is no swearing. "Can't be my boy. Ain't one 'fucking spunk monkey' comment in the whole mess."

Fifty Sue and Cole Cashcow confront one Lana of Earth 2 (oh, you know which Lana!) and grill her about Stealth OMACs. She says, "Well, let me tell you about those...." But then the scene ends. Because Futures End doesn't want any plot to get too far ahead of any other plot.

Now it's time to see what old Lois "Famousest Blogger in the World" Lane (even though she turned her nose up at Clark when he first began blogging way back in Superman Annual #2! I guess the world's greatest investigative journalist finally investigated the mystery of the dwindling hard copy fanbase and decided that blogging was a worthwhile investment of her time (it's also probable that she hated blogging back then because she was being written by Scott Lobdell and he just hates the internet because it allows criticism to have a direct line to his stupid face) is up to! That parenthetical reference was probably too long for anybody to remember the beginning of the sentence so I'll just start over without my hatred for Scott Lobdell welling up to ruin everything.

Now it's time to see what old Lois "Famousest Blogger in the World" Lane is up to! She's reached a dead end because I guess she's not as good a journalist as I once thought. Luckily she has a triangular device that gives her some clues in the forms of images of Earth 2's greatest heroes! The slide show ends with Red Tornado and a voice mentioning how Red Tornado's previous human designation was Lois Lane! Dun dun DUN!

Futures End #14 Rating: No change. Nobody died. Well, Kevin died! His head blew up thanks to Fifty Sue! But since Kevin was a nobody, who the fuck cares, amirite? What was explained in this issue? Nothing, that's what! I might as well just be flushing my money down the toilet! That's where I keep my savings.

Futures End #13

When Red Robin isn't tending bar, he likes to drive homeless people out of the city.

Have you ever noticed how many goody-two-shoes, be-a-better-person, trite-as-shit posts get reblogged on Tumblr every day? And yet nearly everybody you ever encounter is a selfish asshole with their nose pressed up against their stupid cell phone? Do people believe that appreciating a nice sentiment is just about the same as being a kind person? I really don't know since I can't fucking stand those posts that tell me to smile or pay compliments or do small acts of kindness or whatever. I can also type out things that I think would be nice if people did them. Typing is fucking easy! And you know what's even easier than that? Hitting reblog and then forgetting about the post! Not that I think any of those goddamned posts improve anybody's life at all. People are just addicted to the momentary warm feeling that occurs when they suspect they can live life better, become happier, and feel life can have meaning if only they'd pursue it.

Here's my advice: stop imagining yourself as a different person. If you like the way you are and you've never paid for a stranger's coffee, don't start now just because a stupid fucking quote posted by Joe Hill or reblogged by Neil Gaiman said you should. Somebody else believes in small gestures! Big fucking deal! Here are the things I believe would make somebody happy! Maybe you should try my list too!

The only problem with my list is that it doesn't create the illusion that people are inherently kind and generous. There's a reason for that! Because I don't cotton to lies!

Whoops. I meant to just get right to the review. Sorry about all those extraneous words. Unless extraneous means something other than what I wanted it to mean!

The issue begins with Cal and Mad getting robbed.

I'm fairly certain that necklace had a tracker in it, so Cal will be getting you a "new one" fairly soon.

Following this scene is a scene which reminds everybody that Mister Terrific is worried about the threat of Future Batman. Then there's a scene where Grifter and Fifty Sue sneak about Cadmus to discover that normal people from Earth 2 are being held in secret cells beneath the island. Also I guess it shows Grifter can differentiate normal Earth 2 people from New Earth people with his "They Live" vision.

If I felt these scenes were more important, I'd go into more detail about them. I guess if you wanted to write a term paper about Mister Terrific's scene, you'd begin by discussing personal ethics and morality and whether or not they should be abandoned at times for the greater good. Mister Terrific has recently compromised his beliefs to, as he lies to himself, protect the world. He does acknowledge that the Mindboggler Cyborg scares him but doesn't acknowledge that the terror is the main reason he's begun to ignore his personal ethical philosophy. It's too bad because it's fear which is always the beginning of the end. When people are frightened, they tend to make poor decisions by choosing answers that make them feel safer. Batman knows this which is why he'll never kill. Not because he wants to be better than the bad guys but because he knows that killing The Joker would make him, and the people of Gotham, feel less frightened. Which means killing The Riddler would as well. And The Penguin. And Zsasz.

Hmm, Zsasz actually probably should be killed. The evidence for all of his murders is right there on his body! I wonder if Zsasz will slice his own throat when he's run out of room on his body, the space left over to mark his final kill!

Here's the resolution to that first scene. Lots of pages to tell the reader something they already knew: Cal is Red Robin! Geez, Futures End! We knew that as soon as Lois Lane began her investigation because she's the best investigative journalist ever.

I wonder when the first truly interesting revelation will happen in Futures End? Or when somebody else will die! I want to see super hero corpses already! Green Arrow's death wasn't enough. Fuck, Green Arrow's death was expected!

Here's a revelation: The Key and his team still haven't gotten around to doing their Terrifitech job! And now they've decided they don't want to do it with Terry McBatman so Plastique knocks him unconscious with a paper airplane bomb. In other words, thirteen issues in and The Key's team is still no closer to their robbery than when they started.

I suppose the discussion between Big Barda and Emiko shine a little light on Five Years in the Future New Earth. The war that has been referenced on multiple occasions was with Apokolips. Since the people of Earth 2 are treated with such suspicion and fear, the warriors from Apokolips must have used Earth 2 as a base to invade New Earth. The civilian population of Earth 2 fled to New Earth and were kept in concentration camps until the end of the war. That's when people like Mister Terrific began trying to fight for equality for Earth 2 civilians. Other people like Lois Lane use people's Earth 2 civilian status as ways to threaten their jobs! Cadmus has taken on the job of secretly imprisoning Earth 2 heroes. With their recruitment of Grifter, it looks like they might want to capture normal Earth 2 civilians as well, possibly suspecting a rebellion brewing. Or just because they're those fearful people that trade their ethics away for a feeling of safety.

If she comes peacefully, at least she'll be with Scott. Although why would she come peacefully? She can kick Deathstroke's ass easy.

Futures End #13 Rating: -2 Ranking. This is basically an Elseworlds title where anything can go and yet it continues to bore me, issue after issue. I suppose too many things have been planned for the DC September Extravaganza for the writers of Futures End to just go off the rails. I guess that's the problem. I'm on one of those rides at Disney where you can imagine a lot of fantastic stuff could happen but in reality, you're just puttering along stuck to a predetermined path along a stupid fucking rail.

Earth 2 #15

The word "submit" has lost its edge thanks to internet polls and questionnaires.

Last issue, The World Government and the Earth 2 Wonders and Steppenwolf's Anti-Wonders were ready to go toe to toe to toe to toes to toes to toe to toes with each other. So I suspect I'm about to read ten pages full of brawling right after a couple of pages catching us up on Hawkgirl's detectivanting* in China.

*the art of detecting and gallivanting at the same time

Or maybe we'll just skip the story altogether and get right to the epilogue!

Why waste a full fucking page on this nonsense? Is it supposed to increase the dramatic tension? I think all it increases is my blood pressure! Because you know the story is going to jump back in time and explain it all to the reader. I'd rather the comic book simply continue from the point it left off last month instead of fucking around with this faux in media res merde. Or maybe this is more in finis res. Or something. Fuck Latin! I might actually know some if my stupid college had any Latin classes that started later than six in the Goddamned morning!

Jay Garrick begins to remember on the very next page so at least not a lot of time was wasted on his lying in the grass whinging on about his faulty memory. Luckily he begins remembering right from the beginning of the attack of the Anti-Wonders which he calls "Terrors" because that's the kind of propaganda that gets things done! I suppose I wasn't much better referring to them as Anti-Wonders instead of just Wonders. For all I know, they could be fighting for Truth, Justice, and the Dehrainian Way which probably isn't all that different from what Jay and Alan and the other one are fighting for. Although the Dehrainian Way is actually the despotic ruler Steppenwolf's way right now and that probably is all about terror and anti-wondering.

Oh shit, Wesley. It's going to take a lot more than a hair dryer to defeat a guy with Omega Beams.

The second terror was yet another Purple Magic Person but this one was named Beguiler instead of Wotan. She seemed a bit of a Bunker rip-off, actually. And the last one was Bedlam who turned the "good" guys against themselves which is why The Flash has some of Red Arrow's red arrows sticking out of him.

The battle is over in nine pages as opposed to the ten I guessed. Brutaal, Bedlam, and the Beguiler (is this the B Team?) stand triumphant even though Beguiler had a gigantic hole knocked in her skull and most of her skin burnt away. With all the attackers down, Steppenwolf's B Team leave them on the battlefield and head back inside the borders of Dehrain. Because the smartest thing a super villain can do is not kill the heroes when they have the chance. It always works out for the best that way.

Jay Garrick also wonders why the Wonders were left alive. He's still new to the super hero game so he doesn't realize super villains are arrogant ass pricks that often take actions that help lead to their downfall. I'm sure Steppenwolf ordered them not to kill the Wonders because he probably has some need or use of them. Perhaps the firepits all need a Wonder at the heart of them to keep them going, like the Red Lantern inside the fire pit in South America. But then you'd expect them to take at least one of the Wonders prisoner. Maybe the Terrors just love fighting and feel the best way to extend the war is by letting the Wonders live. They were easy enough to take down on the first meeting; why should it be so hard to beat them again? Right?

Meanwhile Hawkgirl's detectivanting has led her from China to Casablanca. For a first time detectivanter, she's really good at it. The mystery of who killed Alan Scott's fiance has led to Apokolipsian technology, and parademons kept in cold storage, and now to a mysterious man in Casablanca who doesn't actually exist.

She's going to Mime School!

And then in Earth 2's version of Gotham City, Mister Miracle and Big Barda are battling Fury. I forgot about this part of the plot! Barda and Scott are searching for the new Batman because somebody named Batman has to be good at everything. And they need somebody good at everything to help them with their immigration problems. They're currently wanted by both Apokolips and the World Government but they'd really like to gain refugee status and be allowed to remain on Earth without fear of arrest. Or death. But first they have to get past Fury! And maybe some other Super Powers Figures.

I know what the arrow means: "I'm with stupid!"

Earth 2 #15 Rating: No change. And that's Earth 2. Lots of characters and not really enough pages to spend on all of the characters. It always feels like the waiter came by in the middle of my dessert and cleared my plate. I think Earth 2 should be a $3.99 comic book with back-up stories that can concentrate on one of the individual characters within the context of the overall plot. I probably wouldn't feel too badly about giving up an extra dollar if it were done well. Although knowing my shitty attitude, it's hard to believe that I'd find it done anywhere near acceptable.

If I were putting some serious effort behind these commentaries instead of just vomiting them forth into the world as I read the comic books, I'd really want to rework the ones I wrote today. I was dissatisfied with my output! Now I must go flog myself for putting forth inferior quality products. But I won't be too harsh on myself because this shit is free and nobody asked you to read it anyway!

Earth 2 Annual #1

What the world needs now is MORE BATMAN!

While half asleep last night, I came up with a plan for you to use if you ever want to scare your friends. So here's what you do if you ever find yourself with a group friends in a stark urban/lonely rural/disquieting natural landscape!

How To Properly Scare Your Friends

1. Gather your friends together.
2. Light the room with candles.
3. Invoke Satan's name loudly.
4. Begin playing a scary children's game like Bloody Mary or Ouija or Hide and Seek or Machete Tag.
5. After the game has been going for at least fifteen minutes or so, excuse yourself from the room.
6. Kill yourself.
7. Come back and haunt them!
8. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

If they don't seem to be afraid of you, look in a mirror. If you don't look like something from a Japanese Horror Movie, you might have to use your brains instead of your good looks to scare them. Try manipulating the Ouija board so it spells out, "NO MORE CANDY" or "I HAVEN'T HAD ANAL IN YEARS."

This is the super trimmed down version of my late night vision since remembering all the random thoughts that enter your half-asleep head is stupidly impossible. I really need a secretary to dictate my pre-sleep and post-waking thoughts so I stop spilling them all over the bedroom floor and losing them. I think the entire thought began with a flow chart of things to do to survive a Japanese Horror Film! The first decision was something like, "Look around at your friends? Is everybody Japanese?" If Yes then "You are fucked." Actually, it went on to ask multiple questions like "Are you making a typical stand against Japanese Cultural Homogeneity?" If Yes, then "Do you harbor any horrible secrets like the way you might have treated the fat kid in elementary school?" It would be a long string of questions that if you answer yes to all of them, you'd eventually get to the "You're fucked!" conclusion because not only will you die in the horror movie but you're most likely the cause of the horrible spirit as well!

That whole last paragraph just seems to come across as lazy because it's simply an example of something I should have just put together. And I might have, too, if I'd thought of it with a clearer head! But I don't feel like dredging up all the half-remembered ideas that I loved so much last night as I was falling asleep and now can barely grasp in the morning. That's work and, as Future Retard so eloquently put it so many years ago, work is not fun.

One more thing before I begin reading another stupid Annual: my cat's new nickname is Captain Blasters.

The American Motto: "We get it done without expending any significant time questioning what 'it' is!"

Al Pratt, now known as The Atom, is on his way to find the new Batman or defeat Steppenwolf or imperialize another country as he remembers when he finally gave some consideration to the phrase, "Get it done." At the time, his therapist was an amazingly intuitive genius that realized Al had problems because he hadn't smiled for a full year. At the beginning of that year, Al was blown up by a nuclear missile and survived. That's the kind of thing that would have me dancing in the streets! Except I'm pretty sure he has Survivor's Guilt and that can make you think all kinds of crazy things like you don't deserve to live or that God actually exists.

Al Pratt also remembers fighting vampires with Steel two and three quarters years ago. He may or may not have been a Manhunter. Two and a half years ago, his therapist asked the most important question of all.

Oh! Oh! I know! Because this is a Teen Rated comic book! Also because our patriarchy has had a serious issue with showing the penis, even when it's flaccid! I don't know if it has to do with stodgy old white men with small dicks or somehow trying to control the sexual urges of women by allowing them very few mainstream opportunities to see the male genitalia. Recently there have been more movies willing to show the flaccid penis and I say, "It's about fucking time!" Not that I was particularly clamoring for it! But I never understood why it had to be such a huge issue that my aunt kept a mental list of the handful of movies she could rent at the video store that might give her a glimpse of the dong.

So Al Pratt, The Atom, has entered Phnom Penh to seek out some guy named Henri Roy. Meanwhile Steel has a meeting with Commander Khan of the World Army. The meeting is about the Fire Pits of Earth which Sloan set up probably because he had some kind of back door deal with Darkseid. That sounded sexier than I expected. Oh, but it gets even sexier! Commander Khan wants Steel to penetrate the Fire Pit in Rio De Janeiro!

That part with Steel and Khan was just an interlude and since it didn't say, "First Interlude," I'm guessing that's going to be a story for another day. I think it's about time we learn about the new Batman and how he's going to rescue The Atom.

Except I was taken in by The Atom's disguise myself and forgot he was The Atom! Why should he need to be rescued? He just grows into a giant with atomic fists and begins getting it done. Meanwhile the newest Batman sits in the rafters doing research. Roy climbs into his Mech and runs off while Newest Batman makes his debut taking out some reinforcements so The Atom can chase after Roy who opted for the Grasshopper over the Atlas because he's more the turn and run type than the stand and blow 5,000 missiles down your opponent's throat type.

Here he is! The newest Goddamned BAAAAAATMMMMMMAAAAAAAN! (Sang to the tune of whatever fucking song is stuck in your head right now)

The Atom captures Henri Roy but that's just the backdrop for the real story. War has been declared on Steppenwolf's country of Dherain and the World Army is sending in The Atom with Red Arrow and some of the Sandmen. Also, Henri Roy's boy, Henri Junior, has been having oncoming super power headaches for some time now and Sloan wants to run some tests on him. Also also, the World Army is bringing back their Heroes Initiative to gather up heroes for their cause. Ostensibly overseen by Terry Sloan, the Heroes Initiative will be managed and run by Sonia Sato, The Atom's crush. But I think that whole war with Steppenwolf thing can wait for the regular issues. For now, let's get back to Newest Batman!

Newest Batman is busy with detective work. Seems a bunch of super villains on Earth were given their powers by Kanto of Apokolips. And Kanto has been calling in those super villains to do some work for him as payback for their special powers. Newest Batman has been trying to track down where they're going and what Kanto is up to.

Is Newest Batman a killer?

Meanwhile in the epilogue (or the prologue for Earth #13 depending on how empty or full your comic books are), Scott Free and Barda are killing dinosaurs in Gotham City's Lost Land. The Gotham of Earth 2 is full of broken down buildings and burnt out skyscrapers, lush jungles, mad scientists, and roaming dinosaurs. In other words, not half as dangerous as the Gotham City of Earth Prime. Barda and Scott are in search of Newest Batman but have found no sign of him.

They do manage to find Fury though.

Earth 2 Annual #1 Rating: It mentioned Kanto the Assassin! That should be good enough for everybody's dog's mother.

Earth 2 #11

Oh DC, you stupid fucking bastards. Dr. Fate should have been the new gay character!

When I opened up the Cover Flap to see the turn of the second half of the phrase, I became super excited to see Mister Miracle. And then I remembered this was the pretend Earth and I got super sad. This is why so many people hate the Reboot. They view the Preboot continuity as the "real" characters and have not been able to bring themselves to care about these imposters. Earth Two feels a lot like that to me. I know Scott Free will eventually appear on Earth Prime (probably in Talon in some kind of Escapapediology Contest!), so this first appearance of him on Earth Two just seems like a fantasy, a charade, a shadow puppet show put on by shadow puppets. Shut up! I know that's impossible! But that doesn't mean I can't think it. Don't put limits on my imagination, Mom! I mean, um, shut up.

Even if I think of this book's non-Justice Society characters as second class citizens whose real versions I look forward to on Earth Prime, I'm enjoying this book. There's a lot going on.

Am I the only person in the world that feels like a complete and abject failure when I begin a sentence with "There"? I feel like I'm not writing to my potential. Should I have said, "The comic book has a lot going on"? Or "This comic book weaves a rich tapestry from the individual stories of the various main characters, creating a vibrant world that takes the reader to its breast and shoves a warm, nourishing nipple against its searching and slavering tongue"? Or "When life has bared its fangs for the last time and finally ripped deep into your skull to feast on your brains and your bones and your raw, pure emotions, leaving you to lie in the dark many hours past waking as you staunchly refuse to acknowledge even your own existence because that would mean venturing out and exposing yourself to the fiery, hellish gaze of the other people walking in the glaring light of the fabricated society we all pretend we understand and fit into, this comic book acts as an abrasive to memory, cleaning out the thoughts that make you envy the last of the water that circles the drain and finally plummets into the dark abyss of the house's pipes, causing you to forget, at least for a few precious moments, the weight and the cruelty and the spastic futility of human sentience"?

Ugh. Thank you comic books and this blog and the readers for giving me a reason to keep my head above the spiraling depression that occasionally rears its stupid fucking head. At least I have something to occupy my mind before I find myself weeping on my knees in front of my bamboo curtain of Ganesha pleading with him to remove the things in my life that are causing this unknown pain and sorrow.

Yes, I did that once. The results to praying to an inanimate representation of a Hindu God? My Xbox red ringed the next day. Ha ha! Very funny, Universe! Fuck you! You know, if I were a more impressionable and less cynical person, I might be Hindu now!

Speaking of nonsense, Fate and Miracle star in this comic book I'm going to read now!

Oh, and let's not forget magic!

While Jay Garrick and the guy that will be Dr. Fate that isn't Nelson since Nelson is another guy now are trying to fetch Nabu's helmet, Wotan is outside the Tower of Doctor Fate telling stories to Jay Garrick's mom.

Wotan: "You know, I used to be a red-haired barbarian sorceress back in the day?"
Garrick's Mom: "So you're one of those transgendertrons?"
Wotan: "I can't tell if you're being insulting or fierce."
Garrick's Mom: "You're holding me hostage and you're worried about me being insulting? You want insults? I don't find it hard to believe that you've been a man and a woman because you're a total dick and a gigantic pussy."
Wotan: "Bravo! I see you fully embrace the vulgarities of the century!"
Garrick's Mom: "Fuck off, cunt puncher."

Jay Garrick's mom might become one of my favorite characters if James Robinson keeps writing her the way I imagine he's writing her!

Wotan explains to Jay's mom that many centuries ago he tried to cast an immortality spell and failed. But the spell that he did cast was an eternal memory spell so his ego and personality remained intact as he lived life after life. And he calls that spell a failure?! That's a much better spell than one that just keeps you in a single body that you have to rely on never getting chopped into tiny bits while it never dies! And you'd always fit in and you'd always know everything and you'd learn so much! Jason Blood has to keep doing lots of bureaucratic bullshit to create different identities so his immortality is never found out. Wotan can simply live every life with new family and friends and still retain her sense of self across generations! That spell was brilliant!

The only problem with Wotan's reincarnations is that she's always reborn with green skin thanks to a curse from Nabu so he can recognize her every time she comes back. That was a pretty cocky curse by Nabu, thinking he'll be alive to be attacked by her every incarnation across the centuries. Or else Nabu went on tour immediately after this and killed Green Babies everywhere he went.

Ha ha! Really cocky! Stupid fuck died almost immediately!

Meanwhile The Flash sends Khalid (that's his name!) to seek out the Helm of Nabu while The Flash tries to defeat the Great Beast. That shouldn't be too hard. I think I could do anything if I could think and act at nearly the speed of light. Everything else would be pretty much motionless, giving me time to do anything I wanted. The Great Beast should be easy to defeat! Unless magic could somehow screw that up. Stupid comic book rules. Why can't they be more like real life rules?!

The Real Flash! A Word Comic Starring The Flash in The Real World!
Jay Garrick was minding his own business when something so scientific that mankind has yet to be able to explain it gave Jay Garrick the power to run at super sonic speeds! Jay didn't understand it so he decided it must have been a gift from God. Then Jay thought, "I shall very much like to test out these super speed powers now!" And he took off really fast! His brain was instantly smashed against his skull from inertia or some other physics thing that makes sense, possibly acceleration. His organs liquified and his bones shattered and his lifeless corpse shot across the field from the momentum of his initial burst of speed, finally collapsing in some thick weeds.
The End!

The Flash finds the Great Beast and hesitates because he has self-esteem problems (according to his mom who is blabbing all of his secrets and insecurities to Wotan). This allows the Great Beast to get the jump on The Flash!

Perhaps the strange environment also caused The Flash to confusingly run right into the Great Beast's grasp.

Meanwhile Steppenwolf has discovered that Scott Free is in Gotham and he's decided to send Fury to retrieve him. He also mentions, a bit off-hand, that Scott Free is hiding in Gotham of "this Earth". Or does it simply mean that the residents of Apokolips and New Genesis here in Dimension #2 can easily move from Dimension to Dimension, so Steppenwolf needs to be clear about exactly where Scott Free has been found? Or does this mean Apokolips and New Genesis reside in a unique Dimension of its own set apart from the 52 Main Dimensions? Sort of like the Anti-Matter Universe from the Pre-Crisis DCU? If so, does that mean Cyborg's Boom Tube Technology can take the Justice League to any of these other Dimensions since it can take them to Apokolips or is the Apokolips trip simply built in to the tech for obvious reasons?

When Steppenwolf mentions Mister Miracle is in Gotham, he adds, "What's left of it." I guess Batman really is the only thing holding that place together.

Those are two of the most impressive monsters I've ever seen! Also, check out the giant ape fighting the lobster creature!

While Khalid is lost in a maze searching for the Helm of Nabu, he's having a conversation with Nabu about his real reasons for wanting to find a helmet that is simply going to supplant his consciousness and his memories with those of a long dead ancient Egyptian. It turns out Khalid's guardian was some guy named Kent Nelson and he died by mysterious circumstances. I bet he pissed off the Lords of Chaos! And then Khalid finally discovers the helmet.

Khalid accepts his role of future madman and dons the helmet to become Doctor Fate. He does it because he has come to admire Jay Garrick's ability to face fear and act when the world needs his help. And right now, Jay Garrick needs his help because super speed apparently isn't the best super power to use against The Great Beast. Maybe The Great Beast will recognize Doctor Fate as his master and become Doctor Fate's super pet. He can join up with Krypto and Batcow and Alfred the Cat and Titus and Beast Boy.

Doctor Fate saves Jay Garrick by using his other familiars that reside in the tower. I think that's what those glowing save points with the icons were. One becomes a panther type creature and the other a flaming bird. They put The Great Beast down and Doctor Fate and Jay Garrick head off to save Garrick's mom from Wotan next issue.

Meanwhile who the fuck knows what is going on with Green Lantern and Hawkgirl and Mister Terrific and Terry Sloane and The Sandmen and The Atom.

Earth 2 #11 Rating: No change. This comic had 95% less Mister Miracle than I expected it to have! It also had about 85% less Doctor Fate. And 100% less Green Lantern! It did have about 44% more Garrick's mom than I ever thought it would. Now if only one of The New 52 Comic Books would simply be about super hero mothers forming a support group and just hanging out talking and trading recipes and gabbing and also being strong women as well as those other stereotypes so that I don't sound totally sexist.