Wonder Woman #33

I get it! Batman's been around a long time. Now give me my regular covers back! Stupid comic book store making me miss out on a Cliff Chiang cover!

Wonder Woman has been captured by The First Born and taken to Mount Olympus where he can spend some time killing her. But Diana shouldn't be worried because Wesley Willis is on the way to save her! And he kicked Batman's ass, so you know he can take The First Born!

"I was just minding my own business,
Looking at the pigeons eating their pigeon food,
When this guy bumped into me on the street.
He said, 'Watch it, fatty,' which really made me mad.

I said, 'Hey man, that is not cool.'
He said, 'You are a crazy fat homeless fucker.'
I said, 'I will not be spoken to in that tone.'
He said, 'I am The First Born, bitch.'

So I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!

He fell to the ground moaning in pain.
People began gathering around and talking loudly.
I did not want to be arrested. I did not want to go to jail.
I booked it away as fast as my fat ass could take me.

Love. It's what makes Subaru, a Subaru."

Once again, Orion pisses off the ladies. Hey Orion! You catch more poontang flies with pretending you think women are goddesses honey! Unless the woman actually is a goddess and then you're likely to get your ass kicked for being a lecherous, insincere asshole! Actually, that's likely to happen even if the woman isn't a goddess.

I'm not one of those guys who pretend women are equal just to become ingratiated with them. I know they're exactly like men. I often go up to them in coffee houses and say, "Hey ladies. I like how you have penises just like men. You do, right? Isn't that what's going on down there? I'm not sure it is though because when I wear panties, they fit strangely so I'm beginning to suspect something different about men and women in the pants area. Although women's underwear might fit strangely because putting on a pair makes me sexually excited and it's really hard to stuff an erect penis into a pair of panties." I mean, I used to say that until I became a man and had loads and loads of sexual relationships with women and their penises.

Ahem. Anyway, back on Paradise Island, The First Born's army of gnolls begins its invasion. The gnolls have driven tanks onto the island so it's exactly like every game of Dungeons and Dragons you've ever played in fifth grade with that one kid with the crazy eyes and five older siblings so she knew tons of dirty jokes that you didn't understand at all but laughed at anyway because you didn't want her to think you didn't know anything at all about sex even though it shouldn't have been weird that a ten or eleven year old kid didn't know anything about sex. So during that one game where you had just blown four of Tiamat's heads off with shoulder mounted nuclear missiles while your talking dog cheered you on and she told you that joke about the cop that would let you and your friend and the school bully go if the cumulative length of your three penises measured a certain length and, with only the bully's penis left, you only needed half an inch more for the cop to let you go and the bully showed his penis and it was half an inch and the cop let you all go and then the bully said, "Good thing I was popping a boner," you just pretended that you knew what a boner was and howled with laughter. Although why was a cop looking at kids' junk in the first place? Can you actually get out of tickets if your penis is big enough?

This is the same reaction I always got at the coffee house!

The First Born sends Cassandra and the S&Minotaur down to Paradise Island to fight with his gnolls. But before the S&Minotaur leaves, he glances toward Wonder Woman because he remembers her and her mercy and her compassion. But The First Born doesn't take kindly to the glance.

I know it's probably unprofessional for a writer to change voices in the middle of a written piece, but I want to actually discuss this moment in a more serious tone. So this caption is preparing you for the shift in voice.

The most obvious aspect of this moment is the difference in leadership shown between The First Born and Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman rules with love and compassion and The First Born rules with threats and violence. The other aspect is what I see wrong with the conclusions which some existentialists come to when they realize the universe is a random, uncaring place. Just because nothing we do actually matters to the world or the universe or has any effect on the grand scheme of things, simply because there is "no sentimentality in life," one cannot conclude that what we do as individuals doesn't matter greatly. As soon as we gained the ability to philosophize and rationalize and empathize and view our place within the world, we lost the excuse that we should act as unforgivingly and uncaringly as the rest of the unthinking universe. There may be no sentimentality in nature but there is absolutely sentimentality in human nature. What we do to each other, how we treat each other, matters. With no reward in the afterlife, no grand purpose, no everliving ego, all there is is what we do during our lifetime. If you ruin another person's life, you are ruining their one, single chance at it. You are ruining everything. For some reason, people believe that an afterlife with a promise of a reward or a threat of punishment is the best way to get people to act civilly. But can we not see that isn't the case at all? Life has far less meaning if it's seen as merely a way station to a greater existence. This is where religious folk get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to atheists. We cherish life because we understand it is fleeting. Atheists should be humanists because we understand the criminality of destroying even one life in any way at all. We should be feminists because we believe everybody deserves the same chances at living their lives how they want to live them. We should be good-humored and facetious and easy to laughter and less likely to take offense at things although I'm not sure any of what I just said is truly the case as often as it should be. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt more often than I should because I see in others what is in me. I might offend with my humor or my writings or something I might say but that's all inconsequential to actual life. Disagreeing with another person isn't a bad thing. But forcing a person to change because they disagree with you? That's where I disagree. Or something. Any ladies want to show me their penises now?

God I suck at writing seriously. I'm glad that's over. I'm sweating profusely at that aborted attempt! This is why I like comic books! Because colorful pictures take the edge off serious topics!

See? Colorful images! They must be talking about cotton candy and gummi bearschen!

Diana refuses The First Born's mindbogglingly bad romantic advances (even worse than mine!) so he stabs her in the kidney and heads to Paradise Island to finish the battle. As Wonder Woman begins to bleed out into The First Born's pool of blood, Baby Zeke uses his Zeussy powers to reanimate Hippolyta. Now she's an unbeatable stone statue warrior goddess! Oh, also Orion took an S&Minotaur horn to the abdomen, so he's kind of out of it. And Wesley Willis hasn't saved the day. Heck, he hasn't done anything except appear in a single panel! I thought he was going to be the savior of everyone. I am disappoint.

Wonder Woman #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. Things are getting serious! I think. There were so many pretty Cliff Chiang images that things might have also just been a rollicking good fun time party.

Wonder Woman #23

I just reread my commentary on Issue #22 where I completely deconstructed myself. I think everything after that commentary is just quietly spooning and glancing at the digital clock glowing in the dark across the room while trying to figure out how quickly you can make an exit without being insulting.

It's not like I planned on fucking all five hundred or so of you only to disappear back into the anonymity of the internet. But we both knew when our eyes met across the URL that it wasn't going to last. You saw something in me that really lit your fire and I saw in you a few sweaty nights of sexual gratification. Sure, it would have been less complicated if I'd just used my hand. But you were sitting there at your keyboard, so cute in clothing and sipping on a hot beverage. I just had to know what was under that rumpled, slightly oversized shirt you were wearing. And you wanted...well, we know what you wanted, right? It's all over your face. Would you like a washcloth? Anyway, we both used each other. I think we can live with that, can't we? I mean, I know I can. You're just going to have to see a therapist or take some sedatives because neither of us wants this to get weird once I tell you I never want to see you again. Right? Please just go.

That's my break-up speech to you if I ever suddenly disappear from this blog. So you should bookmark this page or save it in a notepad file or something so you can have some closure when the day comes that I get hit by a bus and no more updates are forthcoming.

Hey, I'm just being realistic here! I love running in front of buses and quitting things. So I'm bound to disappear. It's best that we're all just prepared for it beforehand. Whew. That feels so much better. Now that we both know our best times are behind us, the pressure has lifted. I feel like I don't have any reason to impress anybody anymore. It's sweat pants and loud farts time!

This issue begins with Wonder Woman and her party in Room 41, The Lair of The First Born. It's filled with Gnolls which shouldn't be too rough a fight seeing as how Wonder Woman and eighty percent of the rest of her party are Epic Level.

I'm including the baby in my calculations.

Although I didn't include War's army of dead soldiers from across time. Which puts the odds at, oh, about the same as they were before since they're only fighting Gnolls. Seems like a waste of resources to me. Although Wonder Woman and her party still have to battle The First Born, so it's better to have an army of henchmen to battle the low level monsters that are really just wasting everyone's time and burning resources.

As Hera and Zola try to find somewhere to hide in the middle of the battlefield, I realize I fucked up my calculations because I'd forgotten that Hera was made mortal. But they'll be okay since they have Zeke the Epic Level Infant That Is Probably Zeus to take care of them. But now that War's army is distracting the Gnolls, Wonder Woman and Orion can take care of The First Born.

Orion's opening move is the Superfly Splash.

Let me interrupt the action for a quick recap of the Gods and their Prophecies (filtered somewhat through my horrible memory). Apollo received a prophecy that said a God would kill a God for the Throne of Olympus. But long before that, Zeus had a prophecy that The First Born would take the Throne. So I believe that Zeus gave up the Throne to become his own child leaving a vacuum that could be filled by The First Born. Subsequently, The First Born will end up being the God that is killed by another God thus fulfilling Apollo's prophecy. And then the status quo will return to normal in Olympus and Wonder Woman will be free to date boring shits like Steve Trevor again.

There may have been more details to the Prophecy but it's best not to concentrate too hard on the details of prophecies or else you just end up outwitting yourself and being the catalyst for the prophecy to come true.

Now let's return to the action!

The First Born's finishing move is the Ringside Folding Chair Blindside.

Now that the exhibition match is over, it's time for the title match! I suppose Wonder Woman is going to open up with the "I'll Kick Your Ass" attitude. But that, as always, will die down and she'll try to finish up with her Compassionate Clutch. She'll probably begin to feel sorry for The First Born since he was abandoned by his Daddy, unloved and banished from home. She'll want to hug and comfort him. But since next month's Wonder Woman comic book is The First Born #1, I have a feeling the Compassionate Clutch is going to backfire and The First Born is going to pull out the Figure Fuck You and defeat Wonder Woman on the final page.

Whoa. I sense some serious sibling rivalry here.

Wonder Woman doesn't get a chance to use any moves in the first round. She's out for a long count as The First Born goes after Zeke next. He chokes out Hera and then goes toe to toe with War. As they battle, Diana comes to. She sees that The First Born is about to kill War and take his place as The God of War. Then War vomits blood all over The First Born's face. Probably because Wonder Woman killed him to keep his power from transferring to The First Born.

I suppose that makes Diana Prince the God of War?

Well isn't that a doozy? The most compassionate character in the DC Universe is now also the God of War! I guess it's just a matter of time until Diana is driven to drink like her Uncle. Superman is going to be so pissed when Wonder Woman shows up at the next Justice League meeting sloshed out of her mind.

Superman: "Everybody's here now. We can get things started once we figure out where those empty liquor bottles are and clear them out of here. It's like there's a refinery up my nose!"
Wonder Woman: "Think you're sho cool. You're not cool. Goody two-shoes ish what you are."
Superman: "Excuse me? Are you okay, sweetie pumpkin?"
Batman: "Here's the scoop, Clark! Hot off the presses: she's drunk. Some fucking investigative journalist you are."
Superman: "No! Not my supremely virtuous sugar bosoms! Are you sure it's not Cyborg?"
Cyborg: "Man! I knew you were racist! Bitch."
Wonder Woman: "He's sho rashisht. Totally hatesh Earshlingsh."
The Flash: "Hal is going to be so pissed he missed this."

And after The First Born has taken out all but one of his Epic Level opponents, the Zero Level NPC Baby Bearer finishes him.

Critical hit, bitch! Although it is with an improvised weapon. So she couldn't have done more than D6 Damage, really. Good thing Wonder Woman put him down in the single hit points with her blow.

With the battle over, the little squidgy fellow in the ebony armor and the candlelight helm shows up to escort War down to Hades. But first a mother must say goodbye.

Oh! That's so poetic and touching! ... Wait a second! What is Hera gaining from this?!

Wonder Woman allows The First Born to live as they all head off to ferry War to Hell. But then Apollo shows up with a big batch of up to no good in his eyes.

Wonder Woman #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. With Cliff Chiang at the helm, this book has some of the most beautiful, stylistic art of The New 52. And with Brian Azzarello writing, this series has some of the most well crafted dialogue as well. It's a treat to read and it really does stand somewhat outside of The New 52 which is a really welcome thing at times. Wonder Woman doesn't have to deal with her stupid relationship with Superman over here or the whining, pouting Facebook posts from Steve Trevor hoping she'll take him back. She can just be a compassionate bad ass doing her thing in her own story. I haven't read much Wonder Woman over the years but I have a feeling this is going to go down as one of the best runs of Wonder Woman ever.

Wonder Woman #22

This is where I say something clever and biting about Russia.

This is the first paragraph that people skip because it's just bullshit about my life.

This paragraph gets skimmed to see if I've begun talking about the comic book but eventually gets skipped because I'm expressing my opinions as if they were the only rational and logical way to see things.

This is where I apologize for not having scanned a picture yet.

This is where I say something that isn't very funny but I typed it anyway just to have a caption.

This is where I say something insulting about women in a voice that shows I'm actually making fun of misogyny but is misinterpreted by one Follower who instantly clicks the Unfollow button and flounces away from my blog until Gail Simone reblogs my next Batgirl Commentary and the Follower gives me another chance.

This is where I begin talking about the plot. Wonder Woman is on New Genesis with Zola and Zeke and Hera. This is a rude joke about baby genitals that's actually a clever metaphor for the inherent loneliness of existence. This is where I remind people of something else I wrote.

This is where I point out how disappointed Highfather is that Orion brought foreigners to New Genesis without the proper visas.

This is where I tell a joke that I don't realize I've told five times previously across 1,200 commentaries.

This is where I point out I've never read Jack Kirby's Fourth World stories and all of my knowledge on New Genesis and Apokolips is from second hand sources and the Super Powers cartoon.

This is where I continue talking about the comic book without interrupting myself. Highfather calls Orion a disappointment which is entirely understandable seeing that he's Darkseid's son. Highfather will always love Scott Free more. This is how long it takes for me to begin interrupting myself again when I begin writing about how even Gods have Daddy Issues. This is where I point out that you can tell Highfather is a hard-ass father simply by the clothes he chooses to wear and by his Amish facial hair.

This is where I begin a new paragraph because I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

This is where I say something derogatory about Scott Lobdell's writing.

This is where I begin to wonder if I've done a commentary in this style before. This is where I say, "Fuck it! Nobody's paying for this shit!"

This is where I tell an intensely personal story that may or may not be true because it ties in, somehow, to Orion meditating on the planet beneath New Genesis as he tries to work through his anger issues. This is a joke concerning masturbation as Wonder Woman comes upon Orion beating himself up over his failures.

This is where Wonder Woman shows her true strength.

This is where I wonder if this commentary made even less sense than last issue's Aubrey Plaza commentary.

This is where I finally continue talking about the plot. Highfather decides to let the women go back to Earth. But not with Zeke, the Ender of Omnithing. This is where Wonder Woman gets pissed and begins throwing some fucking truth around but is powerless to stop Orion from taking the baby. This is where Wonder Woman quotes the Terminator.

This is where Orion stands up to his father and makes Highfather proud.

This is where I wonder if I described enough of the plot in this fucked up commentary so that I'm not completely confused when I read Issue #23 next month.

This is where I get back to the plot for the last time as I sum up the last half of the book in less lines than I spent on the first three pages. Orion and Wonder Woman return to find London burning. The First Born has ravaged the city and killed Lennox. Well, he's at least broken old stone Lennox into pieces. This is where I speculate that Lennox can't be finished for good since he needs to spend some time with his daughter, Cassie Sandsmark. The First Born is ready to finish Wonder Woman and Zeke and Orion with a little help from his army of Gnolls when yet another family member arrives: Ares.

This is where I point out that puns don't win Wars. Unless they do. I mean, wouldn't a prescient War know better than I?

Wonder Woman #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is where I point out Cliff Chiang is a genius. This is where I wonder when everybody will find out that Zeke is actually Zeus. This is where I remember that this version of Wonder Woman is basically a cross between Xena and Sandman. This is where I'm done.

Wonder Woman #21

It's only a slight matter of chance that you're reading this right now. Not this commentary. The entire blog. When I first created Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, I only did so because of the name. I posted a few lame entries here and there but didn't do anything with it. That doesn't have anything to do with what I was about to say. So, when I really got back into blogging, I was planning on creating an Aubrey Plaza Shrine and Stalking Site. It was simply going to be creepy pictures of Aubrey's face taped onto photos with me in them. But then either I thought better of it or I received a note from my future self telling me that the Aubrey Plaza Shrine didn't turn out so hot and maybe I should look into that whole DC New 52 thing to temper my obsession. And what do you know? My future self got me back into comics.

Unless my future self only sent that note back because the Aubrey Plaza Shrine worked and he met her and they fell in love and the selfish bastard didn't want to share her with me! Well, I'll show him! The stupid bastard forgot that anything I do to myself now, he'll have to live with! What's the quickest way to develop kidney stones?

Anyway, instead of writing about how adorable Aubrey was in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, I guess I'll write about Wonder Woman today.

Getting back into the story, Wonder Woman was busy fighting Artemis while Hera, Zola, Lennox, and Zeke tried to make a run for it. They didn't get very far before they were stopped by The First Born and Cassandra. There's enough family drama to allow Zola and Zeke to make yet another run for it! This buys everybody enough time so that Wonder Woman can save the day. Or at least save a couple of minutes since I don't think The First Born is going to be a pushover.

Oh my god! Remember how cute Wonder Woman was in Mystery Team?!

While Wonder Woman battles The First Born, Cassandra chases down Zola. I think I use that sentence structure too much. While this, that. I wonder if Aubrey likes that sentence structure? Maybe it can be a secret message from me to Aubrey. Every time I use it, she'll realize I'm thinking of her. See? I just thought of her!

Wonder Woman and The First Born and Lennox beat each other up for a bit but The First Born eventually gets the upper hand. It wouldn't be a comic book if the hero didn't appear to be completely down and out at some point.

Trust me: Cliff Chiang's Wonder Woman looks amazing underneath Aubrey's amazing looks.

Orion BOOM TUBES into the battle and begins going toe to toe with The First Born. I don't  remember if Orion is Darkseid's First Born. But it would make sense if he was! It would be like an even match or something. Orion is simply happy to be able to unleash his full fury on something other than a baby.

Meanwhile, Zeke has defeated Cassandra with his little round Orphan Annie Eyes. I don't know exactly what Zeke's power is but it seems to be knocking women out with his baby blues. They're not quite as stunning as Aubrey's velvet browns but that's to be expected being that the baby isn't adorable like Aubrey is.

Orion's Boom Scooter goes to fetch Zola and Zeke to keep them safe by BOOM TUBING them back to Apokolips. Hmm, that doesn't sound very safe so maybe he BOOM TUBED them somewhere else. Like the local Dairy Queen.

But before the destination of the BOOM TUBE is revealed, the entrance of the BOOM TUBE has to close. The First Born is holding it open so Lennox drop kicks him in the face and Lennox and The First Born wind up back where they started while the others end up on board some kind of star ship. Perhaps it's Captain Cosmic's starship and they'll all get to meet T2T!

Except it isn't. It also isn't Aubrey's apartment. It's New Genesis and everybody gets to meet Highfather!

Wonder Woman #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad Orion didn't take getting his balls squeezed personally. I know I never have. The reason I'm glad is because now everybody is on New Genesis and we get to see The New 52 New Genesis! Now excuse me while I go marathon some Parks and Recreation for the rest of the day. Again.

Superman #20

Is DC making an attempt to own SMASH?

Last month there was some really dumb aliens called Sunturians. It was super dumb which is why it was in this comic book. You only get normal levels of dumb in books like Batman and The Flash. You can find some wonder dumb in Wonder Woman. But you only get super dumb in this comic book. Oh, not because it's Superman! Because it's written by Scott Lobdell!

Then Diana Prince met all of Clark Kent's "friends." I put friends in quotation marks because you don't usually think of the people you lie to about every aspect of yourself as your friends. And then Orion came back to town to kill Superman. He needs to kill Superman otherwise the only consequence that Scott Lobdell can think of will take place: the end of omnithing.

Now to get back to Orion and Superman punching each other in the face.

Oh, excuse me. I forgot for half a second that this was a Scott Lobdell Jam and he's incapable of beginning any comic book from the point the last comic book ended. I can only imagine that reading a trade of Lobdell's issues is a confusing fucking mess.

So apparently while Superman and Orion began bashing each other in the face, Superman was suddenly overwhelmed by Hector Hammond's psychic shenanigans causing him to believe Ma and Pa Kent are alive and it's the future and he's married to Lois (or Diana (Or Lana (Or Bruce))) and he's happy and everything is right with the world. That's my best possible guess. But this was written by Scott Lobdell who is apparently stuck writing Cable stories over and over and over again. So this could actually be an alternate timeline that has something to do with why the omniverse is going to be destroyed. Perhaps if Superman chooses this timeline through some kind of Hector Hammond mischief, it'll end the world. So Superman has to somehow give up this fictional world which shouldn't exist in any way at all so that the real world can survive. Or something. Trying to be in Scott Lobdell's headspace is confusing and imprecise.

Fuck I hope this is just a Hammond induced fantasy.

I'm not sure Lobdell is capable of writing a story that doesn't include any of these things.

So he married Lana. Was Lana the first person Clark ever had sex with? If so, I'm surprised he didn't kill her. Perhaps this is the timeline that originally existed before Mxyzptlk fucked with it in Action Comics by killing Ma and Pa Kent. Because of that, Clark probably partially blamed Lana and they just couldn't get past it and they ended it. But without Mxy fucking with the timeline, this is how it all would have turned out. Or, at least, this is how Superman fantasizes it would have turned out.

But then Orion punches Superman in the face and that fantasy is smashed to bits. And then Superman punches back.

Big surprise. Another immortal being shocked at feeling something. Once again, Lobdell steals from Lobdell. This is pretty much the same reaction Trigon had to being punched by Cassie (or Superboy. I forget!).

At least the editing and art have lowered themselves to the level of the writing.

Now that I've pointed out the "your" mistake, I'll probably get dozens of comments pointing out all of my mistakes. The only difference is I don't pay a fucking editor to catch this shit. Hell, I don't even reread any of this until next month before I read Superman #21. But I do fix my mistakes then!

It's a good thing I can't drop this comic book's rank any further because it's doing a couple of things I personally dislike. Orion is acting on a prophecy. Lazy motivation for a character. Alternate timelines. Lazy way to examine a character through different circumstances that eventually mean nothing.

Depending on the way they're written, I don't immediately hate alternate timeline stories. It's just that if every possibility is possible, then saving a future timeline makes no sense because a timeline already exists where that future was saved. Also the future where the timeline isn't saved still exists. One of my favorite alternate timeline stories is the episode of Star Trek Voyager where the episode begins on the alternate timeline ship although that's never made clear until the end of the episode. That was nicely done! I've been vague on the details because I don't remember any of them, like the name of the crew member that switches timelines to replace his character that dies in the original timeline.

Anyway, back to the fight between Superman and Orion. I don't think I'm going to have a lot to say about it. Superman needs to die so the omniverse can live. So I guess Superman is going to die! Except...oh yeah! There might be another way out of this future disaster! What if Superman can kick Hector Hammond out of his head? That would take care of that since Orion already identified Hector Hammond as the real problem. Then he can simply stomp on Hector's huge head and the omniverse will be saved and so will Superman.

Wonder Woman arrives and Orion decides he doesn't want his balls torn from his body, so he stops pummeling Superman. They decide to come up with another plan where Diana ties up Superman. Ooh, kinky.

Is it the Lasso of Truth and Insulting Oneself?

Once Orion realizes Hammond is in Superman's mind, he uses Mother Box to erase Hammond's knowledge of the Omniverse that would have ended omnithing. What was that knowledge and how would Hammond have used it? Fuck you. That's need to know! Just know that Lobdell assured us that the omniverse would have been destroyed if Orion hadn't saved the day!

And then Lobdell closes with the big shocker!

Oh no! Superman's imaginary wife from a non-existent future from a fantasy alternate timeline is a mind zombie! Those are the worst kind because they instantly have access to your brain.

Superman #20 Rating: No change. I suppose this issue wasn't as horrible as some of Lobdell's other New 52 issues. But it certainly ended nearly as anti-climatically as Superman's encounter with Oracle. Lobdell should really stop trying to turn every story into some kind of cosmic crisis that's going to turn all time into a mole hill because he's not even coming close to pulling it off. Hector Hammond was going to destroy the universe? Okay, maybe he read the mind of a Guardian of the Universe or something and he was housed in Superman's body. But it's not like he took over Batman's body. That might have been trouble!

Superman #19

If Wonder Woman can beat Orion and Orion can beat Superman, then transitive property conclusion!

I've actually been pretty happy and upbeat all morning and then I picked up Superman to read out in the sun in the backyard, and suddenly all of my energy was sucked out of my body and I began to fall into a deep depression. I'm out of breath. I'm angry. I want to quit reading Scott Lobdell comic books altogether. I sat here for ten minutes watching and listening to the birds and trying to relax. And finally I opened this comic book to the first page and my day was utterly and completely ruined.

Is everybody in Scott Lobdell comic books counting down before beating people up this month? He seriously uses the same exact opening here as he did in Teen Titans. Fuck you, Lobdell.

So there is a race of beings living on our sun. And they speak English. And the one word that might mean something different is "super". And they want to conquer Earth why? If they live on the sun, the Earth wouldn't exactly be the ideal environment for them. How about Mercury? Probably more in line with their usual living conditions. And how do they live on the sun, exactly? Do they have a floating city made out of Inertron? How do they keep their clothes from exploding into flames? Are they super evolved ancient Romans that built a road to the sun because the Romans were so good at building roads? It makes sense since they also conquered Europa as seen in Voodoo.

I believe that last paragraph of speculation was, by itself, more speculation about the Sunturians than even Scott Lobdell did. He probably came up with the name and then wrote this opening scene and then stole Superman's reaction from Red Robin and Wonder Girl over in Teen Titans because why not use the same shit over and over again when DC is paying you to write more than one book? Grab up all the easy money, my friend!

Oh wait! I turned the page and now must apologize for my mistaken belief that these creatures were from a city called Neo Sol that was located on our sun, Sol. Apparently these creatures are from a Red Star named Neo Sol that exists somewhere else in the Universe which makes it even stranger that they speak English. I normally don't have a problem with languages in comic books because characters need to communicate somehow and Interlac isn't invented yet, so whatever. But when a character actually makes a statement that presumes they are definitely speaking the same language even when they shouldn't be, I must rant. And this Neo Sol must be a place where they had long dreamed about taking over Earth and beating up Superman. I'll let their leader, Allysun the Solaratrix (oh gut! Please refrain from bursting!), explain:

As the supreme leader of an entire sun of beings, I'd definitely want to come along with the advanced guard's initial assault.

The most believable part of these first three pages (and I'm using "believable" in the comic book sense where the reader wants to believe as much as possible so the story works) is the part where these Sunturions are composed of Red Star Particles. And that's stretching things, so you can see how much I'm really hating Lobdell's shit right now. But Superman is almost done counting to 47, so let's see what happens then!

With his last six seconds, Superman explains to Allysun how he had tossed a bunch of containers filled with water into the air before arriving. And now they're about to land on top of everybody and spill out their contents which will create a state of shock in the people made out of sun particles and allow Superman to freeze everything! Which is exactly what happens!

Very smart of them to disguise it as either a thoroughly destroyed city block or as a spaceship that smashes and burns in just the same way a city block would!

Superman takes the frozen ship (as well as a huge hunk of the Earth it's sitting upon) and throws it out into space. He says, "Here's to letting ice and orbit do its thing...". I think he meant "momentum" and not "orbit" since he clearly just wants this thing to continue careening through the solar system and out into deep space. If he did mean "orbit" then I guess he's expecting it to come back around the sun in another two hundred years or so. Whatever. In space, Superman finds the Sunturian Mother Ship which just raises even more questions about how fucking good the Romans were at building roads!

Those fuckers conquered a hell of a lot more than I realized.

Meanwhile Lois Lane is throwing a housewarming party which Clark is going to miss because he needs to kill the rest of the Sunturians. Well, he just killed their Solaratrix and her advanced guard by freezing them solid and hurtling them into space, right? Why wouldn't he simply just kill the rest of them as well? Over at Lois's party, Diana Prince arrives because she's Clark Kent's date. Fuck, Superman. You really don't give a shit about your secret identity, do you? Clark Kent is way out of Diana's league! That may or may not be a Justice League pun. At the party, Diana meets Jimmy Olsen.

I could choose to read this as Jimmy Olsen being an inept, socially awkward nerd that somehow thinks, upon greeting a woman, asking her if he can stick his dick inside her can somehow be taken right or I can choose to read this as Scott Lobdell being a disgusting pig. Yeah, you know which one I'm choosing.

Normally I cut writers a lot of slack when writing characters and how they'd react to situations. The character is not the writer. But I dislike everything Scott Lobdell writes and thus cannot think of him as a writer and thus can cut him no slack for that panel. Diana should have asked if she could have his testicles to wear around her neck.

Over at STAR Labs, Hector Hammond's head is still huge.

Superman arrives back on Earth and changes into Clark Kent. Where does Clark keep his glasses when he's flying around as Superman? He muses about how awkward it's been around Lois now that he's fucking Wonder Woman and he can't fuck Lois too. Usually that's my hyperbole speaking but this is actually the way Lobdell has Superman thinking. Okay, maybe it's a little bit hyperbole. But I know reading Clark's thoughts make me think he doesn't see Lois as a friend if there's no possibility of having intercourse. He's as big a pig as Jimmy Olsen!

And it just gets worse! As he knocks on the door, he fantasizes about Lois answering in a Wonder Woman costume and kissing him. Maybe that was a bit of a push from Hector Hammond but it's still something Clark is thinking since he can't even tell if he hallucinated it or fantasized it. I think Scott Lobdell likes writing men having sex with women while under the influence of another being. Tim Drake influenced by Raven and making out with Wonder Girl and Solstice. And now Clark influenced by Hector Hammond and wanting to sleep with Lois and Diana.

No! I take that back about Lobdell liking that plot. This is just Lobdell, once again, simply recycling one plot across multiple books! DC, I'd rather have well written stories late than piece of shit, recycled, afterthought stories on time.

Orion arrives on Earth and is led to Hector Hammond as the great threat that will blow up the Earth and END ALL OF COSMIC EXISTENCE ACROSS ALL SPACE AND TIME! But he realizes Hammond's mind is no longer in his body. Adding up all of the facts (which is really hard for a dumbshit like Orion), he believes that Hammond's mind is in Superman. So now he needs to go kill Superman to save the Omniverse.

I wonder if the omnieditors told Lobdell to omnistop using "omni" on omnithing because it was omniannoying.

Orion is heading over to crash Lois's party. I hope Diana Prince crushes his testicles again. Everybody is already acting weird at the party because Hector Hammond is using his psionic shenanigans to force everyone to say things they normally wouldn't say. And that's a lot of stuff in a Scott Lobdell comic book since nobody can ever share their feelings ever and they all hide behind a wall of sarcasm and snark. And believe me, I know that wall!

Luckily for Clark Kent's secret identity and Lois's renter's insurance, Orion grabs Clark when he steps out on the balcony to make out with Wonder Woman. He's thrown into the bay where he definitely realizes that everybody was being psionically manipulated. And then he gets to meet the guy that threw him in the river.

Why do the consequences always have to be the end of everything?

Superman #19 Rating: -1 Ranking. I suppose Scott Lobdell can use the psionic manipulations of Hector Hammond as an excuse for writing a bunch of shitty shit that shits shit. Maybe that's his new plan to avoid any kind of criticism about how he sucks at writing characters? Which is why Tim Drake is also being manipulated in Teen Titans by Raven. It's so simple! If the character isn't the character, how can you write the character incorrectly? Just to clarify: I am not a fan of Scott Lobdell. At first I just disliked his writing in an unbiased fashion. At this point, I don't think I would like anything he wrote no matter what the quality of it. My mind is clouded with too much bias and hatred! At least I'm done reading his books for the month.

Wonder Woman #16

This is pretty disgusting. Although not quite as disgusting as when Superman was defeated by rotting teeth in Justice League Dark.

Last issue, Wesley Willis became an important member of Wonder Woman's cast. The character Milan, Wonder Woman's half-brother, is based on the too soon gone schizophrenic singer. Milan has the power of sight which he doesn't like to use because the power of sight is actually schizophrenia. But Orion and Wonder Woman both need him to use this power. Wonder Woman needs to find another half-sibling and Orion probably needs to find Darkseid's daughter (or somebody else that threatens to end the universe in some way that had to do with Mother Box or the Anti-life equation or some other piece of New Gods Mythos that I forgot).

But that's just the current shit going on. Also currently happening: Zeus has disappeared; Zola's child by Zeus (which may or may not be Zeus himself!) has been kidnapped by Hermes and Demeter; The First Born has dug his way out of his prison in Antarctica to kill Zeus and take the throne of Olympus; Apollo has just taken the throne so he's fucked; Hades has learned to love himself thanks to Eros's bullets and a mirror; and Hera has become Mortal and is sharing an apartment in New York with Zola and Wonder Woman. I think that about does it for the recap.

The action continues in the subway tunnels of New York as Lennox, Orion, Milan, and Wonder Woman try to straighten out some family business. Things were beginning to look like a gigantic brawl until Milan vomited flies onto everybody. That stopped them in their tracks on the tracks. Meanwhile above ground, Hera and Zola were getting to know each other over drinks.

They're joined by Ares. Who let him in the bar with bloody bare feet? Fucking Gods think they own the place.

I was never a fan of gin simply because it tasted strange. While a lot of hard liquor simply tastes like liquor (or gasoline), Gin actually tastes medicinal to me. Perhaps it's the Juniper Berry flavor. Or simply that it reminds me how I can never breathe in hot weather if I'm anywhere near a Juniper. Or maybe it stems from a long-forgotten past life where I was an apothecary concocting panaceas for the nobles and accidentally ended a notable family line by giving them alcohol poisoning with one of my triple gin and hard grain alcohol recipes. That last one seems the most probable.

Down in the subway, Milan sucks back down his flies once everyone promises to stop fighting. Now maybe Orion will explain why he's causing trouble.

Orion fighting a baby might be the only thing that could top Midnighter battling Dex-Starr.

That was easy enough! Tied those two plot lines together nice and painlessly, he did! I don't think Wonder Woman knows anything about Orion. But Milan obviously knows him. What would Wonder Woman think if she knew this was the son of Darkseid? I don't believe she'd think anything. I bet she'd just start swinging her swords again.

Once things calm down, Wonder Woman is able to use her greatest power on Milan: her compassion. She convinces him that his power is needed to keep Zola's baby from being taught to be bad. She's kind to him and understanding. So he uses his power to see everything to help her out. That's a nice description of shizophrenia. The ability to see everything all at once.

Milan sees the baby with the Bird Man and the Tree Lady. Wonder Woman realizes Hermes has taken the baby to Demeter but she doesn't know where to find Demeter. But Lennox reminds her they have Hera who can help with that. Milan mentions one more thing.

Who cares? Who's he going to tell?

Back at the bar while Ares and Hera discuss which of Hera's children she unloves the most, Zola wanders off to the bathroom to meet yet another God or Demi-God. He's got red hair and red eyes and sharp teeth and I don't know if he's appeared before or not because my memory isn't photogenic. Or photographic either. She then enters the bathroom to vomit after this new God explains the atrocities that Ares is capable of. It's in the bathroom that Strife reappears to cause more trouble. Because there isn't enough shit going down already.

Wonder Woman #16 Rating: No change. For people that don't care for reading comic books in monthly installments, I highly recommend picking up Wonder Woman in trade paperback form. Everything about it is fun but the dialogue makes the book. And it probably reads really well in one extended sitting. At least you'll have no problem recognizing all of the different characters when they reappear. This is one of those comic books that if you aren't reading, you shouldn't be reading my spoilery commentary. You should actually be reading the comic book! Besides, I end up doing a lot more reading and gazing at Cliff Chiang's fantastic art than I do writing jokes about the book. It's just too interesting to keep interrupting myself.

Wonder Woman #15

The distortion of Wonder Woman's face in Orion's helmet makes her look like Shannen Doherty.

The beginning of Wonder Woman makes me a little happy and a little sad all at the same time.

Wesley? Did Azzarello actually write Wesley Willis into Wonder Woman?

This was the first page and the look is absolutely Wesley Wills. And then the rock on. And the eat fresh. It has to be, right?

And then I saw the headbutt when I turned the page and grinned like an idiot.

I had a chance to headbutt Wesley Willis in 1999 or 2000. I forget the year exactly. I saw him perform in a small bar in Portland but was too shy to go over and headbutt him. Also intimidated by the big brown bump on his head from years and years of headbutting people. When I read Grifter #1, I wrote a song about it. That was my tribute to the big guy. I also created a card game about schizophrenia that I lovingly refer to as "The Voices In My Head Made Me Say Suck My Dick In Front Of A Lot Of People." What I loved about Wesley Willis was his joy. Perhaps the pure joy that exuded from him when he sang and played could only come from the pure terror and hell he suffered from his schizophrenia. Are ups like that worth the terrifying downs? I sometimes wish I knew instead of suffering from the middling malaise of emotional detachment. But then who needs all that constant drama? I'm pretty sure I'd rather just sit here in my tiny office with my funny books while people rush all around "interacting" and "living life"!

Who do I contact to get the original artwork for this page!? Never mind. Found it!

While Orion searches for whoever Orion is searching for with the help of the non-title WW, Lennox and the title WW are searching for their brother Milan in an abandoned subway in New York. Milan turns out to be Wesley Willis which is a good thing because he'll be sticking around for awhile. At least as long as this New Gods plotline goes on since he seems to be the connecting rod between the New and the Old Gods.

Lennox and Milan don't get along very well due to Lennox killing one of their sisters seventeen years previously. This sister was a particular favorite of Milan's but Lennox seems to have had to kill her to save a lot of people. Milan doesn't want to help Lennox and he has Orion to back him up.

Do all the Gods in the Universe get together once a century for some kind of convention? Some sort of meet and greet? Does Darkseid clog all of the hotel's toilets?

When Lennox mentions he's found the last of the 20th Century demi-gods, Orion completely flips the fuck out and demands to know where "the last of the line" is. Back in Justice League #6 (as a reader of mine reminded me recently), Darkseid claimed he was attacking Earth "for her" when asked his purpose for invading while Wonder Woman's lasso was wrapped around him. Later in the comic, Desaad or Kalibak or someone off panel states that Darkseid is searching for his daughter. Orion has now come to save the source of all-knowledge which may be tied in to the daughter of Darkseid deal. Perhaps Wonder Woman's parentage isn't completely written in stone yet.

The comic ends with Orion and Wonder Woman about to go to blows while Milan tries to stop it by vomiting trash and flies all over everybody. And the First Born is busy getting his things together in Antarctica.

Wonder Woman #15 Rating: No change. It looks like Azzarello is going to somehow unite the family of the Greek Gods with the family of the New Gods. I don't know much about the New Gods but I do know Orion and Kalibak are Darkseid's sons. If Darkseid has a daughter, I don't know about it. I mean, I figure he must have a daughter since he's searching for her but I don't know if he had one in the Preboot. The only way I can think to tie them together so that Wonder Woman is the central figure of both families is make Hippolyta the daughter of Darkseid. But I don't think that explains why Orion is so interested in the last of the 20th Century Demi-Gods being discovered. I guess I have to wait a month to find out.