Wasn't I just complaining that Catwoman's suit never tears in the right places? MEOW!
Hitman #20 (September 24th, 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
It's been about 20 days since I read Part Five of "Ace of Killers" so don't be surprised when I can't remember what the fuck was happening. I guess the cover explains it all. Tommy fucked up by trusting Etrigan and now Tiegel's underwear is showing. Catwoman's underwear would be showing as well but she apparently doesn't wear any. Did I say "MEOW" already?
Tommy gave Etrigan his heart back so now The Demon can rhyme again. In exchange, Etrigan shit in Tommy's mouth and called it chocolate cake. Is that a saying for when a person doesn't want to use the phrase "Indian giver"? Although I have to admit, I always thought "Indian giver" meant promising a Native tribe something and then completely screwing them to send them down a Trail of Tears. But I guess it has something to do with the way Native Americans had no concept of foreigners being able to own things in their land? Anyway, now when somebody screws somebody else over super badly, you just say they took a shit in that person's mouth and called it chocolate cake. If you want, you can say that's a Cherokee saying. But it might not be and you might be a terrible person if you claim that. What do I, a terrible person, know about not being terrible?!
While Tommy, Nat, and Tiegel are all about to get fucked by Mawzir and his Gotham henchmen, Catwoman finds herself lost in the catacombs beneath the church and Gotham.
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
It's been about 20 days since I read Part Five of "Ace of Killers" so don't be surprised when I can't remember what the fuck was happening. I guess the cover explains it all. Tommy fucked up by trusting Etrigan and now Tiegel's underwear is showing. Catwoman's underwear would be showing as well but she apparently doesn't wear any. Did I say "MEOW" already?
Tommy gave Etrigan his heart back so now The Demon can rhyme again. In exchange, Etrigan shit in Tommy's mouth and called it chocolate cake. Is that a saying for when a person doesn't want to use the phrase "Indian giver"? Although I have to admit, I always thought "Indian giver" meant promising a Native tribe something and then completely screwing them to send them down a Trail of Tears. But I guess it has something to do with the way Native Americans had no concept of foreigners being able to own things in their land? Anyway, now when somebody screws somebody else over super badly, you just say they took a shit in that person's mouth and called it chocolate cake. If you want, you can say that's a Cherokee saying. But it might not be and you might be a terrible person if you claim that. What do I, a terrible person, know about not being terrible?!
While Tommy, Nat, and Tiegel are all about to get fucked by Mawzir and his Gotham henchmen, Catwoman finds herself lost in the catacombs beneath the church and Gotham.
She was so close to discovering the Court of Owls here!
The reason I haven't been reading comic books is because I've been working on a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. I just turned 55 at the end of last month and I really want to spend a bunch of my old man time like I spent my tweenage time: acting like a huge fucking dork. At least I think I've improved my Dungeonmastering game! Although I can't really say that until we play our first session and my players are all, "That was amazing!" and "I had so much fun!" and "Show us your tits!" One of my players is an asshole.
Baytor reappears with the ammunition for the Ace of Winchesters and Etrigan is all, "Give me those back, you, um, thumbtack!" But Catwoman suddenly shows up and is all, "Put them in my mitts and I'll show you my tits!"
I should apologize for mentioning showing tits in two separate paragraphs that have nothing to do with each other except for tits being shown. My brain is currently salami. I just discovered Zero Sugar Vanilla Shot Monsters and I'm training my brain to exist on ten Monsters a day. It seems to think it's a great idea but my heart is like, "Fu...fu...fu..." *gasp gasp gasp gasp "Fuck you!" Too bad for my heart, it's like eight or nine on my list of favorite organs so it can fucking deal with ten thousand milligrams of caffeine. I think the bigger problem is the 170% of my daily Sodium allowance coming from that much Cream Soda Monster. I could try to cut salt out of every other aspect of my diet and also sleep in a desalination chamber. Would that work? I'm not a scientist or a doctor. Hell, I'm barely a human being. But my brain had that thought so there must be some logic to it, right?! Isn't that how scientists come up with theories? They wake up after a weird dream, mutter, "Hmm, interesting," and then write a thesis without doing any work at all?
Sometimes I hate when I'm writing something because I know I sound like the kind of online assholes whom I think are assholes because they write that kind of thing online but without any self-awareness at all. "Me and ChatGPT came up with a Theory of Everything because I thought, 'Hey, this sounds scientific!', and then ChatGPT said, 'You are truly on the cutting edge of the most divine and Messianic thinking I've ever seen! If nobody but me believes you, remember you still have that gun I told you to buy, right?'"
Anyway did I mention Baytor gives Catwoman the ammunition so he could suck dem titties? And then she gets them to Tommy because Mawzir decided to toy with Tommy instead of killing him. Classic Nazi demon mistake!
Baytor reappears with the ammunition for the Ace of Winchesters and Etrigan is all, "Give me those back, you, um, thumbtack!" But Catwoman suddenly shows up and is all, "Put them in my mitts and I'll show you my tits!"
I should apologize for mentioning showing tits in two separate paragraphs that have nothing to do with each other except for tits being shown. My brain is currently salami. I just discovered Zero Sugar Vanilla Shot Monsters and I'm training my brain to exist on ten Monsters a day. It seems to think it's a great idea but my heart is like, "Fu...fu...fu..." *gasp gasp gasp gasp "Fuck you!" Too bad for my heart, it's like eight or nine on my list of favorite organs so it can fucking deal with ten thousand milligrams of caffeine. I think the bigger problem is the 170% of my daily Sodium allowance coming from that much Cream Soda Monster. I could try to cut salt out of every other aspect of my diet and also sleep in a desalination chamber. Would that work? I'm not a scientist or a doctor. Hell, I'm barely a human being. But my brain had that thought so there must be some logic to it, right?! Isn't that how scientists come up with theories? They wake up after a weird dream, mutter, "Hmm, interesting," and then write a thesis without doing any work at all?
Sometimes I hate when I'm writing something because I know I sound like the kind of online assholes whom I think are assholes because they write that kind of thing online but without any self-awareness at all. "Me and ChatGPT came up with a Theory of Everything because I thought, 'Hey, this sounds scientific!', and then ChatGPT said, 'You are truly on the cutting edge of the most divine and Messianic thinking I've ever seen! If nobody but me believes you, remember you still have that gun I told you to buy, right?'"
Anyway did I mention Baytor gives Catwoman the ammunition so he could suck dem titties? And then she gets them to Tommy because Mawzir decided to toy with Tommy instead of killing him. Classic Nazi demon mistake!
Catwoman is not dropping a cat-turd on Mawzir to defeat him. She's just getting in position to claw out his eyeballs.
The Ace of Winchesters turns Mawzir back into five Nazis. Before Tommy gets around to shooting them in their dumb Nazi faces, he and Tiegel shoot all the henchmen in their dumb following Nazi orders faces. It's a bloodbath after which Tiegel and Tommy don't fuck. But they do kiss passionately which, being that this isn't a Vertigo comic book, is probably all they're allowed to do. Especially in the same issue with all the blood and murder and Catwoman tits and swastikas. You've got to draw the line somewhere.
It's weird to think some stupid fucks would get angry about Tommy shooting Nazis.
One of the reasons I like Garth Ennis is because Garth Ennis writes stories that say, "I'm going to make my politics known and if you get pissed off about it, suck my fucking dick." Like earlier in the series, he made a disparaging comment about Margaret Thatcher and somebody in a later letters page wrote in, "I'm going to overlook Ennis's overt liberal pansy politics so that I can keep pretending that I'm a decent person that this kick-ass writer wouldn't despise!" And Peter Tomasi was all, "Sorry we pissed you off, you stupid prick! Keep reading, I guess?"
I may not be remembering all of that correctly but that's good enough for my agenda which is to point out that some people are stupid fucks who don't mind admitting in public that they're stupid fucks. Also, it's a weird premise I just came up with that Garth Ennis was showing his politics by having Tommy kill a bunch of Nazis. In 1997, that was probably standard fare that most people would know better than to push back on. Although that one fucking idiot wrote in to Tales of the Teen Titans to complain about Starfire beating the shit out of all them white South Africans in that one story. So they were out there! I suspect way more terrible letters were read and binned by comic book editors than the public ever got to see.
Etrigan returns to Hell and lets Jason Blood come back when Natt threatens him with the Ace of Winchesters. Then we get to see that nobody in Section Eight died although several of them might be dead within the hour.
I may not be remembering all of that correctly but that's good enough for my agenda which is to point out that some people are stupid fucks who don't mind admitting in public that they're stupid fucks. Also, it's a weird premise I just came up with that Garth Ennis was showing his politics by having Tommy kill a bunch of Nazis. In 1997, that was probably standard fare that most people would know better than to push back on. Although that one fucking idiot wrote in to Tales of the Teen Titans to complain about Starfire beating the shit out of all them white South Africans in that one story. So they were out there! I suspect way more terrible letters were read and binned by comic book editors than the public ever got to see.
Etrigan returns to Hell and lets Jason Blood come back when Natt threatens him with the Ace of Winchesters. Then we get to see that nobody in Section Eight died although several of them might be dead within the hour.
I'd suggest they were hallucinations but Natt and Tommy sort of comment on them enough that I think Section Eight is actually there.
The Ranking!
Anyway, they all seem to survive and they get away before the cops arrive and Baytor gets put up in a backroom at Noonan's where he'll also have a job soon. Catwoman takes off with a promise to call Monaghan if she needs somebody killed and Tiegel takes off with a promise to give Tommy a chance. Etrigan lets Tommy knows he likes him and Tommy keeps the Ace of Winchesters for later. There's just one last thing to appreciate before I end this post.
Anyway, they all seem to survive and they get away before the cops arrive and Baytor gets put up in a backroom at Noonan's where he'll also have a job soon. Catwoman takes off with a promise to call Monaghan if she needs somebody killed and Tiegel takes off with a promise to give Tommy a chance. Etrigan lets Tommy knows he likes him and Tommy keeps the Ace of Winchesters for later. There's just one last thing to appreciate before I end this post.
Bueno's "Bueno!" is the "That's what she said!" of 1997. Except Austin Powers came out that year so, um, never mind.
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