Justice League Dark #31

If Constantine were on this cover, it would segue nicely into my rant about Vapers with which I'm going to begin this commentary.

I saw a Vaper take a hit of his Cigarette Computer just before he walked into a vintage shop on Hawthorne today. Fuck you, asshole. Just because there aren't any laws against Vaping anywhere, it doesn't mean you should still be a righteous dick about blowing your vapor in everyone's faces. You know why cigarettes were outlawed from public places? It's not because second hand smoke is harmful. Sure, that's probably the only reason the law was as easy as it was to put into place. No, the real reason everybody needed it to be illegal for assholes to smoke in movie theaters and airplanes and restaurants is because the fucking asshole smokers were never going to realize that they were being complete and utter dicks by filling every fucking locale with their disgusting smoke. And now the Vapers suddenly think, "Shit. This shit ain't illegal and it ain't harmful, so what the fuck is the problem? I can Vape this righteous Bubble Gum Flavored Water Vapor anywhere I want!" Fuck you. You're being a dick. Nobody wants to suck down water vapor that you just hacked up out of your disgusting lungs. Learn about consideration, you assholes. I may have to change my diet so that I can fart the nastiest smelling farts at will. Because if I have to suck down your leftover water vapor, I'm going to make sure that you suck down my misty excretions. And I won't be shy about it. My ass will be centimeters from your mouth when I let one go.

How long before a Ray Fawkes writes a story revolving around Constantine's switch to eCigarettes? Probably not long now that I mentioned it!

Currently, Alice Winter, formerly known as The Nightmare Nurse, has appeared in The House of Mystery. It seems she's got some Jason Blood/Etrigan type arrangement with Asa concerning her body. Not a legal arrangement nor a friendly one. It's more of the "that fucking demon keeps stealing my shit" kind of thing.

Also, the Mystery Girl is still in the mirrors.

Zatanna has magic at her disposal so she doesn't see why she needs to believe Alice Winter's story at all. No reason to have a discussion with her or to try to get to the bottom of this situation through civil or normal means. Might as well go right for the magic even though Constantine is constantly pointing out how there is a price to pay every time for utilizing the short cut. I suppose if I could do magic, I wouldn't do anything the normal way! I think I'd practice Synchromancy! That's the art of causing everything you want to happen at the moment you want it to happen to happen at that moment. Like right now, I really want Indian Food. So suddenly there would be a knock at my door at three in the morning and it would be a guy delivering Indian Food. I'd say, "But I didn't order any Indian Food?" And he'd say, "Oh, it's already paid for and supposed to be delivered to this address! I'm also supposed to eat out your asshole as you enjoy the food." And then I'd say, "That's why I answered the door naked!" Synchromancy!

Inside Alice Winter's mind, Zatanna discovers a memory from eighty years ago where Alice was sick and an old woman named Asa was tending to her. So you know, she discovers some stuff that she could have figured out just by making some tea and asking Alice a few simple questions. Ugh, that sounds like work! I'd do the magic as well.

I guess Alice was the girl in the mirror previously because now Asa is in the mirror and she's watching Constantine fuck three women at once. How many penises does he have? I never find out because Asa pulls him into the mirror to explain her current problem.

Shocker! Turns out he really can't leave.

A sentient cosmic nothingness attacks John and Asa in the land behind the magic mirror. I think I've met that cosmic nothingness before! I'm pretty sure my sister dated it in high school! No wait. I don't think I could categorize that bit cosmic of nothingness as sentient.

John and Asa return to The House of Mystery so that Asa can get back in her body. Zatanna and Swamp Thing believe Alice Winter is the victim and refuse to allow Asa back in. So will there be a huge magic battle or will a rational dialogue take place? I know which one is easier to write! And, as such, I'm placing my bets on the magic battle!

Once again, not enough time to explain but there will be plenty of time to battle! Fuck you, J.M., and every other writer that keeps pulling this old fucking trope. I need to practice swearing at J.M. DeMatteis since I'm going to read Larfleeze next.

During the battle, Asa tries to reenter Alice. But Zatanna jumps in the way and winds up the living vessel of The Nightmare Nurse instead of Alice. Now the Nurse is going to have to give all of her prescriptions backwards.

Is she casting the spell "ON" or just saying "NO"?

Justice League Dark #31 Rating: No change. For a 22 page comic book, nothing much fucking happens. The cliffhanger ending can pretty much be guessed at by the cover by even the most Amateur Comic Book Readers out there. A slight House of Mystery mystery was dropped in the middle which I ignored because it didn't go anywhere. It just did that comic book thing where somebody says, "I know this!" Then somebody else says, "Yes? Yes?! Explain!" And then the first person goes, "I can't remember!" What a hook! I can't wait to find out what the thing I don't even know is winds up being! This was just one more mediocre DC Comic book that wasn't fun enough to read because it was so awful and it wasn't mind blowing enough to ruin my pants because it was so good. I think I was more bored reading it than I was staring at the wall and digging in my ears.

Justice League Dark #25

This looks almost exactly like my first sexual experience.

I guess Forever Evil: Blight is now well and truly under way even though it isn't mentioned anywhere on the cover. I only know this is the second installment because of the advert in Red Lanterns #25 that informed me of this huge crossover that won't be done until March. As long as most of the issues don't just seem like filler, I'm good with a crossover. I mean, you have to do something with all those long stretches of time before death.

Last issue, Constantine, The Nightmare Nurse, The House of Mystery, and Chia Swamp Thing had summoned Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and The Question to the Rock of Eternity. I think this is Justice League Dark's first recruitment drive. It's like those issues of Justice League when all the heroes gather aboard the Watchtower to be judged worthy by Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman. I think I'd do well in an interview with Batman because I'm equal parts grim and sassy but I don't think I'd cut Superman's mustard. I can't even imagine what Wonder Woman would expect out of me. Hug a murderer? Put a small animal out of its misery? Discuss the dynamic between power and gender in Austen's Pride and Prejudice?

Upon opening up the comic book, it looks like I've gotten ahead of myself. The Rock of Eternity Recruitment Drive probably gets set up later in this issue since Justice League Dark #24 ended with Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse and Chia Swamp Thing and The House of Mystery just beginning to formulate a plan to save the rest of Justice League Dark. It looks like the real Swamp Thing is going to take some offense at Chia Swamp Thing being on the team and make an abrupt appearance. Which is good since he's one of the heroes Constantine is trying to locate.

There are a couple of things wrong here what with the "it's" having an apostrophe and the fact that John calls her an it right after being told how she identifies. But that's not what I want to talk about after this caption.

The British have done a lot of stuff that I truly admire and often incorporate into my being. But fuck howdy, this rhyming slang is truly the most awful thing I've ever encountered. John uses a good example here why it's so awful. Just from context, you might have gathered that he's referring to breasts when he says "bristols." Bristols is, of course, rhyming slang for titties. Oh, you're confused? That's because rhyming slang tries to be some kind of secret code. So the rhyming slang of titties is actually "Bristol Cities." But then rhyming slang drops the actual rhyming part and you're left with "bristol" or "bristols." Because rhyming slang is a kind of code for those in the know and to keep others apart. But, and this is why it's so terrible, you can almost always figure out what the fuck a person is talking about from context. Although you won't have any fucking idea why they're using the word they're using for the rhyming slang! I'm absolutely sure that I'm being insensitive to some cultural reason as to why it evolved the way it did but I don't fucking care! It's stupid. And I'm just glad that I very rarely run into it. Actually, it's probably truer to say I have no fucking idea when I run into it and often just walk away confused whenever I hear it!

After spouting off about being culturally insensitive, I decided to read up on rhyming slang. Sure, I only read the Wikipedia entry but it was actually really interesting and helpful! Especially learning that "berk" is rhyming slang for "cunt!" I had an online friend from Australia that went by the name of "Berk" (This is her at the bottom of the page with the candle)! I wish I hadn't lost contact with her so that I can tell her I finally get it! The page was also informative in teaching me the slang terms I knew but didn't realize they came from rhyming slang. Just as I said earlier in that I've probably encountered it and just didn't have a fucking clue because the final word is so obfuscated from the creation of itself.

While I might think it's fairly ridiculous, it's definitely not an uninteresting aspect of the games people play with language. And by "not uninteresting," I actually mean kind of amazingly fascinating.

As John lets The Nightmare Nurse know that Swamp Thing is not going to sit by and allow himself to be duplicated, Chia Swamp Thing gives birth.

I'm fairly certain that plants don't actually give birth like this so you're not actually looking at what you think you're looking at.

The Swamp Thing agrees to help Constantine and the Nightmare Nurse because The John ("John Constantine" = "The Green"!) is a trifle miffed about the sun having been blotted out. Even though it's only blotted out in very small areas. Maybe by this time, Ultraman has moved the moon closer to the Earth so the darkness covers more ground!

John, Swamp Thing, and Nightmare Nurse begin casting some spells to locate Zatanna and the lost members of the Justice Leagues. But some kind of dark magic full of mutated spells is blocking their attempts.

I'm fairly certain that plants don't actually have the same physiology as people, so you're not actually looking at what you think you're looking at.

The mutated spells try to infect John's mind so he needs to drink a homeopathic brew that the Nightmare Nurse gives him. So, you know, she gives him a glass of water. All better!

John comes up with a plan to save Zatanna and defeat the Crime Syndicate: they must kill evil! Which, technically speaking, means they have to travel into Mankind's Collective Unconscious and battle symbols and archetypes! I hope they know which ones represent evil because that place can get confusing. I think as long as they defeat all the monkeys they find, they'll be good to go.

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, The Sea King (The Crime Syndicate's version of Aquaman. Unless his name was something different) comes back to life. He doesn't remember who he is which would be a great relief to him if he could only remember who he was. Now he gets to start over! Remake himself! No longer be the chump of the Crime Syndicate! He will find respect on this new world! He will never be laughed at again! And he will go by the name...Aquaman!

In the Collective Unconscious, John, Swampy, and Asa discover The Blight. But it's too powerful and it knows them too well since it is, you know, a part of them. So the Mini-Justice League Dark decide to make a run for it. It looks like they're going to have to try something else. I suggest they go see Mad Hettie for some clues!

Back in San Francisco, Cassandra Craft is kidnapped by a bunch of demons and taken back to Thaumaton to take part in The Project. That's as clear as I can make it! Oh, and she's blind! And her boyfriend, Liam, is left unconscious on the floor. What is it all about? I don't know! Stop asking questions that can't be answered yet!

Returning from their trip cut short, The Mini-Justice League Dark decide to find another way to battle The Blight. John decides to get naked, sacrifice some goats, and summon up The Trinity of Sin. Supposedly, they're experts at evil. But really, they're just more goats lying on the floor with their throats cut. What the fuck have they really done that's evil? They might be experts on spending centuries punished unjustly. And they might be quite knowledgeable on cloaks and trench coats. But I think there were probably some far better choices if you wanted people that really understood evil. Like maybe Trigon?

Justice League Dark #25 Rating: No change. I think I prefer a Justice League Dark without Zatanna. I definitely prefer a Justice League Dark without Madame Xanadu. Although I think they need to add either Etrigan or Black Orchid to the team. Oh fuck it. Why not both?

The Phantom Stranger #9

Cirque du Soleil presents Cannibale!

Last issue we were introduced to The Sin Eater that I would say is the stupidest character so far in The New 52 if The Infernal Core hadn't already claimed and staked and married and sodomized on his wedding bed that title. And now that I've mentioned the worst new character so far in The New 52, you probably want to know the best, right? Easy! That prestigious title goes to Batcow!

This issue begins with The Phantom Stranger strung up in a tree in Hell while Etrigan sits nearby fiddling with his mouth organ. I'm not sure how he got here. Maybe this is the story in-between The Phantom Stranger being stabbed by the Spear of Destiny and The Phantom Stranger arriving on the doorstep of The House of Mystery! But it's not. It's just one of those comic book pseudo in media res openings that comic books love. By the fourth page, all the ducks are back in proper chronological sequence (at least when perceived through the illusion of time allowed by our organic thought machines).

Constantine stole that "damn good imitation" line directly from Deadman last issue.

The Stranger has learned that his family...well, Philip J. Stark's family is in Hell. With the help of Justice League Dark, he descends into Hell to rescue them.

Speaking of people that descend into Hell to rescue their loved ones, have y'all ever read Shel Silverstein's "The Devil and Billy Markham"? Of the handful of Playboys I'd gotten hold of as a youth, one of them contained this poem. At some point I got rid of the Playboys (perhaps when I went off to college? I was optimistic I wouldn't need them anymore!) but I tore out and kept the poem. Not long after, I sent the poem to my friend Bob while he was in Iraq during the first Bush's Iraq War. He and his fellow soldiers loved it but their main concern was where the rest of the Playboy was. Anyway, it's a terrific poem by one of my favorite writers.

The Phantom Stranger is greeted by Etrigan and The Sin Eater once he enters Hell. Etrigan then takes them on a tour to find Philip J. Stark's family.

They find them and everybody lives happily ever after. Especially the octopus.

Meanwhile, Terrance Thirteen is pouting in a bar ironically suffering from the belief that he's done something so awful that he can never be forgiven. It's ironic because the something he did was betray the man that gave rise to the psychological syndrome that Terrance Thirteen is suffering from right now. So if you betray the Son of God, you feel like you can never be forgiven. And if you betray the man that betrayed the Son of God, you feel like you can never be forgiven! The trick, though, is to forgive yourself because there is no ultimate arbiter of universal right or wrong. This is why The Phantom Stranger has entered Hell through his own mind. Because that's the only place that Hell exists. We punish ourselves. Unless a person is a sociopath. And then they either turn into full blown psychopaths and kill indiscriminately or begin to believe in God and The Bible because they have no empathy to determine right and wrong on their own and believe people can only determine right and wrong when told by a Higher Authority. This is also the same reason why some religious zealots are so adamant that sexuality is a choice. It's usually because those people are gay and denying it because of religious reasons. So they need to believe it's a choice and they're just fighting temptation. They must think everybody struggles with sexuality the way they're struggling with it because they simply won't accept their own sexuality and live with the knowledge that choice isn't a part of it.

Well, okay, choice can be a part of it! I can choose to fuck a guy! But I'm not sure my penis would cooperate.

The Sin Eater says he took away Philip J. Stark's family's love to torture them because he once read a line in a Dostoyevsky novel that said that Hell is "the suffering of being unable to love." And everybody knows that if it's in a Dostoyevsky novel, it's automatically true. So if you take love away from a person, they turn into naked husks of humans that eat rats and lose all sense of their humanity.

That doesn't seem right. I don't eat rats!

To save his family, The Phantom Stranger offers Etrigan a deal!

Wait a second! You're already supposed to be in Hell! Sharing a ninth level, unheated three room basement apartment with Brutus and Cassius.

The Phantom Stranger ends up strapped to a tree. But his suffering is hardly suffering when he's doing it for the love of his family. So The Sin Eater refuses to let Philip J. Stark's family go until The Phantom Stranger lets them go first. He has to give up his love and his memory of them if they are to be set free. Fuck, that's an easy decision! He gets to save them and be rid of the obligation of them all at the same time! Win-win!

But then The Stranger finds out the awesome deal is off the table because Etrigan wasn't really Etrigan.

I think I already covered this.

So The Phantom Stranger gets his love and his memories back. But he doesn't get his family back because they're now in heaven where they should have been many years ago before The Phantom Stranger saved their lives against God's orders. Now Dog is offering to take The Stranger up to Heaven if he's willing to go. But that'll have to wait until next month.

The Phantom Stranger #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know why this issue was called The Trinity of Sin. It doesn't feel like it's really going to connect to the Pandora story later this month and The Question story whenever that comes out. Maybe the shit The Phantom Stranger just went through with Justice League Dark will be the reason the JLD get caught up in The Trinity War. I bet it has something to do with the Nightmare Nurse demanding payment. And oral sex.

Justice League Dark #20

Four out of six impotent characters on this cover. Guess which ones and why!

Whatever answers you came up with for the caption cover quiz are correct because nobody's opinions should ever be judged or challenged in any way. I'm fucking serious! What do you think I'm doing with this blog? Just joking and acting silly? Well you're wrong! This blog is the most serious thing I've ever done. And it's time I buckled down and made something of myself. From now on, I'm throwing the jokes and the humor and the self-deprecation in the garbage next to my nudie magazines (for the younger crowd, people used to actually look at static porn images in paper magazines purchased from racks behind the counters in 7-11 (or, more likely, found in a bush at the local high school (My friends and I once found a stack of porn magazines in the bushes of our elementary school. We changed their hiding place and enjoyed them for a few weeks before some other kids found and moved them. One of the magazines was called "Girls Who Eat Cum" and we'd never, ever, ever seen anything like it before. It's fucking tame compared to what kids can find today))). There will be no more whimsy or masturbation in this household!

Last month, New York City was in the throes of Doctor Destiny's machinations. Stop your snickering. That is not a euphemism for sexual congress. The House of Mystery had gone out of control. Or at least out of Constantine's control. I believe it is now under the control of Doctor Destiny and his Dreamstone and/or Materioptikon. The Swamp Thing was brought in for laughs and The Flash ran into Frankenstein while exploring the sewers of New York. This was not adequately explained in last month's issue. Perhaps it was simply a metaphor for running through life too fast and without purpose, treating it as a joyful holiday filled with candies and light-hearted, gay moments to be remembered fondly on the all too quickly approaching death bed, after which the remembrances would dissolve along with the decomposing organic matter that once housed the cursed spark of clarity which imbues life with an abundance of meaning while also allowing for the knowledge of one's inevitable demise.

Allow me, for a moment, to ask a favor of the reader. If you have not already read Justice League Dark #20 through legally purchased means, please forgo reading the rest of this entry. I am not writing this as a synopsis for you to learn what is happening in Justice League Dark without having paid DC and your local comic book shop their fair share of silver coin. I believe we are all adults, so I will use the honor system instead of password protecting my entries. And now, on to this month's fascinating tale of magic and terror!

The Flash explains his reasons for being in the sewers of New York. He also admits to being as shallow a monster as every being Frankenstein is cursed to meet during his travels through relife.

Luckily The Flash is not in the habit of carrying a torch around with him or his encounter with Frankenstein might have ended tragically. As it is, The Flash shares another power of his that I had been unaware of: he is able to move his eyes really fast which enables him to see the different energies that make up different types of matter. Does he merely whip his eyeballs back and forth in his sockets? How, exactly, does this enable him to see energies? Is he picking up wavelengths in a way that our slow and ponderous eye movements are unable to see? Can he move his eyeballs so quickly that they pop out of the sockets, dangling unattractively against his cheeks? Again, I reiterate, who here is the real monster?

The Flash learns that Frankenstein works with "other monsters" (his hurtful words) and offers to track them down. The first one he brings back is Madame Xanadu because she's the biggest monster of them all (my hurtful words but they're not without merit. Madame Xanadu is the worst character in the DC Universe right after every character written by Scott Lobdell. Her power is to see the future but this power never actually helps anybody in any way. This power may, in fact, be complete bullshit since the future she often sees never actually comes true because she supposedly helps people to change it. Well, isn't that convenient).

Next on the list to save is Deadman.

What do you know? Madame Xanadu is doing some heavy lifting.

The Flash appears after everybody else with a "better late than never" joke because he's the fastest man in the world. The line was delivered better in Green Lantern #20 by G'nort. Speaking of G'nort, to be a proper Justice League, a team really needs a Green Lantern. I think G'nort would be a perfect fit for this team. And since I promised earlier to stop being silly and whimsical, you know I really mean that statement. Although if Swamp Thing sticks around for any length of time, that would put three people on the team with a green theme going on and even with Madame Xanadu all in purple, it still throws off the color balance. The balanced look of a super hero team is just as important as the balance of powers. The original Justice League of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, and Aquaman was created because of the rainbow effect. Red Flash, Orange Aquaman, Yellow Wonder Woman, Green Green Lantern, Blue Superman, Purple Batman. Wonder Woman isn't yellow but her lasso always had a nice glow to it that helped fill out the yellow band along with Aquaman's hair.

Next up, they rescue John Constantine from himself. A bunch of blood doppelgangers have sprung up about John and they're killing innocents in the streets of New York. Constantine saves himself after Flash and the others provide a distraction and he makes sure they know that he saved himself. That's because he can lie on Earth Prime. He had a moment where he was unable to lie when he visited Faerie although that wasn't explained very well. DC seems to have a problem explaining things. I suppose they don't want to coddle their readership. They want us to figure it out on our own. Well, I'm too busy to figure out comic books. Please spoon feed me everything in the manner of an Ann Nocenti character.

Once everybody decides they all have an important role to play in stopping this disaster, The Flash tracks down the House of Mystery to a penthouse apartment and they set off to stop it and save The Swamp Thing.

Or die at the hands of Madame Xanadu's forgotten love child.

Justice League Dark #20 Rating: No change. It's too hard to write a commentary while trying to avoid being myself. I thought I could write it quicker if I wasn't worried about being funny but it took longer worrying that I was inadvertently being funny and constantly changing stuff. And then what I changed things to was still stupid and funny and then I just gave up and ate a bottle of aspirin. So if the gardener finds my body and manages to call an ambulance and get my stomach pumped, then I'll see you all tomorrow when I curse my still beating heart because I have to read Scott Lobdell's Superman.

Justice League Dark #19

Both halves of this cover make no sense! Why is The Flash hanging out with Constantine? Why did The Swamp Thing become a house?! What kid wouldn't want to drop a dime on this story at his local drugstore?

Last issue, Faerie was saved from destruction by The Hunter Family and Justice League Dark. Mostly by the Hunter Family. What happened after that, I don't know. I guess the science people and the irrational nutso-wacko magic people suddenly began getting along? Did the science people stop condescending to and patronizing the mystic yahoos? Did the magic people stop feeling superior because they could turn lead into gold while the scientists staunchly proclaimed it impossible? I have a feeling war isn't going anywhere over there in Epoch City and Faerie.

But that world doesn't matter anymore. It's not even an important world since it isn't labeled with a 1-51 (or a Prime!). I guess Faerie is one of those unique dimensions like Gemworld and the Apokolips dimension. Back on Earth, let's see what horrible, dangerous, and taboo magic Constantine is up to!

Oh. He's using his magic to convince everyone that he's not smoking. I wonder what the fucking backlash is going to be for that? Diarrhea?

Instead of his winnings, the cashier hands Constantine a note that says, "The Cold Flame burns" and then the entire race track blows up. That magic backlash seems a little bit harsh simply for convincing people you're not smoking when you actually are. I guess Constantine was telling the truth in his first solo issue. Magic is dangerous.

Meanwhile at ARGUS, Steve Trevor is trying to recruit Deadman to spy on Justice League Dark for him. In return, he'll hire Deadman to be a member of the Justice League of America. Well that sounds like a shitty deal. That comic book can't even come out on time. Besides, Deadman can be a member of the Justice League of America whenever he wants by simply possessing Hawkman or Vibe or Catwoman. Before Deadman can agree, he feels a disturbance in the force and flies off, leaving the person he had been in possession of to come back to his senses. The poor guy will probably be immediately thrown in the ARGUS dungeon to prevent security leaks, his only crime enjoying a delicious triple cheeseburger.

Deadman meets up with Frankenstein and that useless biddy Madame Xanadu when John bursts in with the big news!

If only The Batman had such charisma.

How did John already lose the House of Mystery? He just had it over in I, Vampire not two comic books ago! He really should be more careful where he parks the fucking thing. I wonder how he finds parking for a gigantic Victorian house? Unless it's Edwardian. Or Ranch-style? I wish The House of Mystery looked like The Brady Bunch's house.

And then John asks Madame Xanadu the question I keep fucking asking the unhelpful old twat:

I could be a member of Justice League Dark since I also have the power to constantly say, "I knew that was going to happen."

To find the House of Mystery, Constantine summons The Swamp Thing because The Swamp Thing is super good at finding wood. I wonder if Frankenstein gets territorial when The Swamp Thing shows up. Two gigantic green creatures on one team? That's a bit of overkill. But at least Swamp Thing is happy to see another green brother.

Why do any of these people hang out with each other? Call me selfish but even if it meant saving the world, I couldn't be bothered to hang around with people I can't stand. And since you just called me selfish, you're one of those people. Jerko.

As the Swamp Thing gets a grip on The House of Mystery's wood, he suddenly begins screaming. It was a glory hole with a meat grinder on the other end! In other words, a trap! And guess who knew this was going to happen? Yeah, that fucking cunt Madame Xanadu. No wonder Etrigan would rather sleep for six hundred years underneath the London soil than continue dating her. He probably got sick of stubbing his toe with Xanadu immediately following that up with, "Yep, just like I foresaw!" Or that time he touched his demon wiener after chopping jalapenos and she just snickered and said, "I knew you were going to do that." What an annoying asshole. I'm so sick of her.

Now I want to go read a bunch of Madame Xanadu comic books and see if she's ever done anything to help anybody ever! If I find any on Free Comic Book Day, I'll pick 'em up.

Xanadu finally begins coaching Frankenstein through the fight although she's very cryptic about it. It's like she's trying her best not to actually help anybody. But she's doing just enough so that she can pretend she was helping after the fight is over. It looks like The House of Mystery has somehow leaked out into the city. Or else the House has somehow encased the city or the world. Can it do that? Can the House get that big?

Each member of Justice League Dark end up in their own nightmare just like when they were in the House and going from room to room. Because once again, The House of Mystery only seems to house mysteries that have some kind of horrific component to them. Nobody in the House is simply wondering who left the turd in the middle of the living room or who drank all the milk but still put the carton back into the fridge. No, these mysteries are vile and scary and creepy and super, duper dangerous.

Constantine hacks up a blood spatter that grows into a life-size replica of himself that's calling for a sacrifice. Deadman ends up hanging out with The Cannibal Carnival. That's not so bad, really. It's not like they can eat a ghost. Madame Xanadu ends up in a cemetery where all of her past loves from across the centuries are rising from their graves to punish her for being the worst lover ever. I'm not implying she can't fuck well. I'm sure she's great at that. I just think dating somebody that's constantly saying, "I could have told you so!", is probably very close to the worst thing in the world. Okay, the second worst thing after the Cannibal Carnival.

Frankenstein ends up in the sewers in a production of Oedipus.

The Flash appears to keep Baby Frankenstein from fucking his mother and killing his father. But he also appears to stop the Father from saving the Mother and killing the Baby. He's a gigantic racist and simply sees these monsters as causing trouble. Hey, The Flash? You really want to help this city going crazy? How about getting your ass out of the sewers where these three aren't really causing any harm and get up in the streets where all of the innocent civilians are getting their faces chewed off by Old Clocks or having their insides pulled out by Hidden Staircases or having their babies murdered by Bungalows or losing their minds at the Lilac Inn or discovering the Secret of Shadow Ranch or any of the other crazy nightmare mysteries plaguing the city.

Meanwhile The House of Mystery is sitting on the top of a building on Fifth Avenue overlooking the chaos in New York. I wonder if it's jealous that Trigon is destroying part of the city and trying to steal its thunder? Actually, it's not The House of Mystery that is reveling in the chaos. It's the person that stole it from Constantine in the first place:

Really, Dr. Destiny? There's a War coming? I wonder if Madame Xanadu knew about this?

Justice League Dark #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. Now I know why The Flash didn't make an appearance in Justice League #19! He was busy fucking around with the Frankenstein Family in the sewers of New York City. Dr. Destiny mentions his Dreamstone so does that mean that The Sandman of The Endless hasn't recovered it yet? Or is this just his own homemade Materioptikon? Is this issue a prologue to The Trinity War?

I, Vampire #18

This is not accurate! But I suppose Andrew cradling Virgin Bloody Mary's headless torso with her head resting by the UPC Label might be considered tasteless.

Once again, my stubborn brain would not let me come up with a word. This time it was "tasteless". So I googled "classy antonym" and got it! Ha ha! Fuck you, brain! Also, thank you, Lord Google, for propping up my failing intellect.

Andrew Bennett is currently a horrible, murdering, demonic villain of a vampire and yet he's gone all sad and emo when Virgin Bloody Mary was beheaded by Tig. I guess demons have feelings too. They're just usually squashed down beneath the sadism and the desire to squick everything in sight.

The story picks up with Cain about to pull his ancient love, Lilith, from a portal to Hell opened by Bennett and his buddies. Constantine has failed to stop him. Debbie Dancer is armed and ready to fight. And my beautiful, cute, perky Vampire Tig is being drawn like a monster.

I will never forgive you for abandoning us, Andrea Sorrentino! I hope you burn in hell with Green Arrow!

The narrator whinging on about love is Cain, the ultimate evil or something. He's the pre-vampire vampire, Master of All, First Murderer, Beloved or Cursed by God, depending on how you feel about the gifts of immortality and invulnerability. I guess this is a love story again! That's how it began and then it sort of lost its way but now it seems to want to end as a love story again. Unless it didn't lose its way and I just wasn't paying close enough attention. That's a distinct probability!

Cain isn't just bringing Lilith out of Hell though. Why waste a good Hell Portal, right? He's bringing forth legions of demons to give great ass pain to John Constantine. Although Constantine seems unflappable as usual.

John may be acting unfazed but I think he's secretly excited about this prospect.

Too bad nothing comes of it. The Legions never make it into the basement. Lilith never appears. And John just stands around casually telling everybody in the room that they suck at magic. Apparently using the stone from the Tower of Babel didn't just open up a portal to Hell. It created a portal linking Heaven to Hell. Constantine realizes this is going to be one gigantic cock up, so he decides it's time to leave. He figures the best thing he can do, being the master of the House of Mystery, is to send the House into an alternate dimension so that this fiasco doesn't leak into Earth's reality and cause a bunch of lousy crossovers.

Meanwhile Andrew Bennett and Tig turn into wolves and fight to the death. Andrew Bennett tears out Tig's throat while Joshua Hale Fialkov tears out my heart.

The last good guy left in the House is Debbie Dancer. So now she gets to face off against Andrew, Charles the Magic Vampire, The Van Helsing Accountant, Mishkin, and Cain. Maybe Mishkin will pull one of those Hollywood Dog Moments and recognize Debbie as his best friend which will cause him to turn on the other Vampires. Or maybe the other Vampires will all turn on Andrew once they realize he wants to destroy the world.

Or when Debbie is just about to die, somebody else will drop out of the Gothic rafters to save the day!

Oh Tig! Just don't die! I might be a shallow asshole who cannot love you right now, but I can wait until you're drawn by another artist!

Cain realizes that Bennett has become super dark and moody because he's now a repository for all the vampires that ever existed. Cain still wants to reunite with Lilith, so he releases all the Vampires from Andrew Bennett's body. They fly off as metaphorical bats and Cain finally finds Lilith.

For a green glowing gassy ball, she's pretty cute.

And then that jerk Cain does the dumbest thing ever. He uses Tig's body to bring Lilith back from the dead. I knew I hated this Cain jerk when I first saw him in Justice League Dark. I just knew he would ruin every comic book he appeared in and then ruin my life as well. Now instead of cute band-aided Tig, I have to deal with Lilith, Sorceress Whore from a Frank Frazetta painting. Should I like her? Even just a little bit since a trace of Tig might still be hidden somewhere behind the barely covered body of Lilith?

I'm sure Tig is under that slinky dress somewhere.

Now I have filthy pictures in my head because I said Tig was under that dress somewhere.

Hell begins to shove its gigantic, hate-filled, evil phallus up into Heaven's Portal and Heaven just can't take it. The Van Helsing Accountant disintegrates in the fiery backlash. Charles the Magic Vampire protects himself with the "Protecte" spell. Cain and Lilith hug. And Debbie Dancer hides herself and Andrew behind the shield she brought to the battle. Now that all the vampires have left Andrew Bennett's body, he's back to normal and regretting his recent actions.

He's also turned into Gob Bluth.

Andrew doesn't know how to close the Portal but he figures when in doubt, cast yourself in! He tries to hurl himself into the Portal in his attempt to save the world but he's bitch slapped to the floor by a naked woman stepping out of the conflagration. It's Super Virgin Bloody Martyr! She's come to save the world!

And insult Andrew's ex-girlfriend for good measure.

I, Vampire #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. That "To Be Concluded" note in the bottom is a little bit sad and means that this comic book just didn't have enough Batman.