Trigon #1

Being a 3D cover, it just looks like Trigon is trying to grab my boobies. (After reading it, I now understand why this cover looked like that to me!)

Trigger Warning (Man! I never do these except as horse jokes! Leave it to Marv Wolfman to write something so rapey!) This comic book is filled with rape (a lot of it) and my commentary, as usual, is very flippant and I don't denounce it every time it's mentioned. I assure you that I think it is a bad, bad thing though. See that? If that was too flippant for your tastes, just skip this shit. You can get the same information on Trigon here since it's virtually the same origin but without the, you know, other stuff.

Unclassified Comic Book Reader King Beauregard (Unclassified in that he hasn't taken the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Master Comic Book Reading Title Verification Course to gain his title. Partially because the course costs five thousand dollars. Partially because the course doesn't actually exist. Mostly because why would I want to share the title "Master Comic Book Reader" with somebody who's probably read more comics than me? What am I? Stupid?) left this comment on the Trigon Who's Who entry I put up:

The other day when I was bitching about Marv Wolfman's influence on DC ... ? This is the sort of thing I'm talking about. Wolfman decided they needed yet another Darkseid ripoff, except this one would dress like a male stripper and his entire backstory is about freaky fucking.

I think Marv Wolfman should be celebrated for introducing a character whose backstory is freaky fucking and dresses like a male stripper! But I could do without the overpowering Darkseid aspect of his character. Especially since he was created to battle the Teen Titans, a team that has never had a roster that was really very overpowering. When one member of the team has all the tits power, it doesn't make for a very compelling battle against a super powerful mystic demon that rules lots and lots of dimensions. Sure, Cyborg could blast his white noise like a champ while Beast Boy Changeling goofed off telling jokes and transforming into either really unhelpful animals or a Tyrannosaurus Rex and Nightwing would tell Starfire how to most effectively channel her angry starbolts of anger (most of her anger caused by Nightwing telling her what to fucking do). But when Trigon forced his way into the Titan's dimension, it just seemed like a good time to pick up the phone and hit the speed dial for the JLA Watchtower.

Although even the Justice League generally avoids this magic ass satanic shit. And why would John Constantine want to help out a bunch of American teenagers? What could they possibly have that he would want? Oh, maybe a shit ton of ecstasy!

I don't know for sure if this issue is written by Scott Lobdell or not (I'm fairly certain it is!), but the first page will tell me soon enough! If it's a full splash page of Trigon with a Narration Box that says, "His name is Trigon," then I'll know! Although the first box might also say something stupid like, "His name is unpronounceable but he is known in many dimensions as Trigon."

Hey! Look at that! Not Scott Lobdell!

I decided to flip a few pages ahead to see who the writer was and it turns out to be Marv Wolfman! I thought he's been busy the last ten years trying to get the Elfquest animated movie made? So now is this issue just going to be a retelling of the Trigon Who's Who entry from 1986?

And that's just how the issue begins with a trio of pacifist aliens forcing their agenda on planets across the universe. They're cosmic janitors cleaning up the evil on every planet they observe, Hoovering it up into their great big disgusting Heart of Darkness. It's just such a concentration of evil that was born into the Preboot Trigon making him the most evil monster in creation. And now these aliens have brought a creature that resembles Trigon (but without horns) to their homeworld to drain it of its villainy. And since Trigon is born from "freaky fucking," I have a feeling this creature and the female alien of the trio are going to make a baby underneath the influence of the Heart of Darkness. Maybe all the aliens will join in which is why the offspring's name will be Trigon.

Instead of any awesome fucking happening, the creature manages to flip the switch on the Heart of Darkness from "suck" to "blow."

Of course! It was his plan all along! Everything is always some villain's plan! You can't make a choice without falling into the trap of doing what some villain wanted you to do!

Trigon kills the trio of aliens who may have been angels but were somehow his parents (because he wasn't really born until feeding on the evil they collected. Duh!). But then Trigon finds that he's trapped and so he does what any evil all-powerful male being that can't escape his divine prison does: he summons a female alien and rapes her.

It may have been a freaky fucking demon-worshiping ritual, but at least Preboot Trigon's conception was consensual.

The runespeak, by the way, simply says, "Alien Cursing Symbols". Because that really conveys the horrors that this female is suffering at the hands of Trigon. Couldn't they at least throw in a Runespeak exclamation point?

The original origin of Trigon's origin continues as he, like previously, precedes to kill everybody as he's born. He then goes on to rape entire universes trying to sire a child that will make him proud. For some reason. I don't know why he's so concerned with an heir when he's probably immortal. He does manage to have three boys but he hates them all. As do I. They've been some of the most annoying characters in the DC Universe so far. Especially since none of them knew the rules to Poker. They're as dumb as Hugo Strange's son, Eli.

Eventually Trigon finds a woman that he cannot rape because she wears The Silent Armor. Needless to say, Trigon and Alan Moore are a bit upset that the raping has to end so suddenly.

But he'll be back to try again later! Or at least he'll get a rematch when Cassie is wearing the armor.

Once Trigon is almost killed, he decides to cut his rape tour of the universe short and instead puts out a call to all bounty hunters to bring his victims to him for a reward. I'm pretty sure Marv Wolfman wanted to have the vilest villain in Villains Month and he must have taken Marc Millar's words to heart (which I'll reprint here for the very, very few who haven't seen them):

“The ultimate [act] that would be the taboo, to show how bad some villain is, was to have somebody being raped, you know? I don’t really think it matters. It’s the same as, like, a decapitation. It’s just a horrible act to show that somebody’s a bad guy.” -- Marc Millar

Which makes Trigon the baddest bad guy in Rapeville (Rapeville being the alternate name of "Mainstream Comics Villa"). But Marv Wolfman goes even further! Not only does he have Trigon impregnate females through rape, Wolfman makes sure we all know that these women mostly killed themselves from either the trauma or to avoid having Trigon's child. And then after years and years and years, galaxy after galaxy after universe after dimension, a woman finally agrees to have sex with him.

But mostly just because she's afraid of him. So it might not actually count. By the way, is that Lobo bringing her to Trigon?

And the person telling this tale is Arella, Raven's mother. She's pleading with whomever she is telling the story to that they need to defeat Trigon because he's coming back to destroy the world. So maybe she's asking the Crime Syndicate to stop him. Who knows?!

Trigon #1 Rating: Well, it gets the point across that Trigon is evil, I guess. It feels like Wolfman threw out all of Lobdell's weird Trigon history to revert Trigon back to exactly his old origin plus a heaping helping of nearly infinite instances of rape. Is it weird that I finally prefer a Scott Lobdell version of things? This issue was pretty fucking ridiculous.

Earth 2 Annual #1

What the world needs now is MORE BATMAN!

While half asleep last night, I came up with a plan for you to use if you ever want to scare your friends. So here's what you do if you ever find yourself with a group friends in a stark urban/lonely rural/disquieting natural landscape!

How To Properly Scare Your Friends

1. Gather your friends together.
2. Light the room with candles.
3. Invoke Satan's name loudly.
4. Begin playing a scary children's game like Bloody Mary or Ouija or Hide and Seek or Machete Tag.
5. After the game has been going for at least fifteen minutes or so, excuse yourself from the room.
6. Kill yourself.
7. Come back and haunt them!
8. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

If they don't seem to be afraid of you, look in a mirror. If you don't look like something from a Japanese Horror Movie, you might have to use your brains instead of your good looks to scare them. Try manipulating the Ouija board so it spells out, "NO MORE CANDY" or "I HAVEN'T HAD ANAL IN YEARS."

This is the super trimmed down version of my late night vision since remembering all the random thoughts that enter your half-asleep head is stupidly impossible. I really need a secretary to dictate my pre-sleep and post-waking thoughts so I stop spilling them all over the bedroom floor and losing them. I think the entire thought began with a flow chart of things to do to survive a Japanese Horror Film! The first decision was something like, "Look around at your friends? Is everybody Japanese?" If Yes then "You are fucked." Actually, it went on to ask multiple questions like "Are you making a typical stand against Japanese Cultural Homogeneity?" If Yes, then "Do you harbor any horrible secrets like the way you might have treated the fat kid in elementary school?" It would be a long string of questions that if you answer yes to all of them, you'd eventually get to the "You're fucked!" conclusion because not only will you die in the horror movie but you're most likely the cause of the horrible spirit as well!

That whole last paragraph just seems to come across as lazy because it's simply an example of something I should have just put together. And I might have, too, if I'd thought of it with a clearer head! But I don't feel like dredging up all the half-remembered ideas that I loved so much last night as I was falling asleep and now can barely grasp in the morning. That's work and, as Future Retard so eloquently put it so many years ago, work is not fun.

One more thing before I begin reading another stupid Annual: my cat's new nickname is Captain Blasters.

The American Motto: "We get it done without expending any significant time questioning what 'it' is!"

Al Pratt, now known as The Atom, is on his way to find the new Batman or defeat Steppenwolf or imperialize another country as he remembers when he finally gave some consideration to the phrase, "Get it done." At the time, his therapist was an amazingly intuitive genius that realized Al had problems because he hadn't smiled for a full year. At the beginning of that year, Al was blown up by a nuclear missile and survived. That's the kind of thing that would have me dancing in the streets! Except I'm pretty sure he has Survivor's Guilt and that can make you think all kinds of crazy things like you don't deserve to live or that God actually exists.

Al Pratt also remembers fighting vampires with Steel two and three quarters years ago. He may or may not have been a Manhunter. Two and a half years ago, his therapist asked the most important question of all.

Oh! Oh! I know! Because this is a Teen Rated comic book! Also because our patriarchy has had a serious issue with showing the penis, even when it's flaccid! I don't know if it has to do with stodgy old white men with small dicks or somehow trying to control the sexual urges of women by allowing them very few mainstream opportunities to see the male genitalia. Recently there have been more movies willing to show the flaccid penis and I say, "It's about fucking time!" Not that I was particularly clamoring for it! But I never understood why it had to be such a huge issue that my aunt kept a mental list of the handful of movies she could rent at the video store that might give her a glimpse of the dong.

So Al Pratt, The Atom, has entered Phnom Penh to seek out some guy named Henri Roy. Meanwhile Steel has a meeting with Commander Khan of the World Army. The meeting is about the Fire Pits of Earth which Sloan set up probably because he had some kind of back door deal with Darkseid. That sounded sexier than I expected. Oh, but it gets even sexier! Commander Khan wants Steel to penetrate the Fire Pit in Rio De Janeiro!

That part with Steel and Khan was just an interlude and since it didn't say, "First Interlude," I'm guessing that's going to be a story for another day. I think it's about time we learn about the new Batman and how he's going to rescue The Atom.

Except I was taken in by The Atom's disguise myself and forgot he was The Atom! Why should he need to be rescued? He just grows into a giant with atomic fists and begins getting it done. Meanwhile the newest Batman sits in the rafters doing research. Roy climbs into his Mech and runs off while Newest Batman makes his debut taking out some reinforcements so The Atom can chase after Roy who opted for the Grasshopper over the Atlas because he's more the turn and run type than the stand and blow 5,000 missiles down your opponent's throat type.

Here he is! The newest Goddamned BAAAAAATMMMMMMAAAAAAAN! (Sang to the tune of whatever fucking song is stuck in your head right now)

The Atom captures Henri Roy but that's just the backdrop for the real story. War has been declared on Steppenwolf's country of Dherain and the World Army is sending in The Atom with Red Arrow and some of the Sandmen. Also, Henri Roy's boy, Henri Junior, has been having oncoming super power headaches for some time now and Sloan wants to run some tests on him. Also also, the World Army is bringing back their Heroes Initiative to gather up heroes for their cause. Ostensibly overseen by Terry Sloan, the Heroes Initiative will be managed and run by Sonia Sato, The Atom's crush. But I think that whole war with Steppenwolf thing can wait for the regular issues. For now, let's get back to Newest Batman!

Newest Batman is busy with detective work. Seems a bunch of super villains on Earth were given their powers by Kanto of Apokolips. And Kanto has been calling in those super villains to do some work for him as payback for their special powers. Newest Batman has been trying to track down where they're going and what Kanto is up to.

Is Newest Batman a killer?

Meanwhile in the epilogue (or the prologue for Earth #13 depending on how empty or full your comic books are), Scott Free and Barda are killing dinosaurs in Gotham City's Lost Land. The Gotham of Earth 2 is full of broken down buildings and burnt out skyscrapers, lush jungles, mad scientists, and roaming dinosaurs. In other words, not half as dangerous as the Gotham City of Earth Prime. Barda and Scott are in search of Newest Batman but have found no sign of him.

They do manage to find Fury though.

Earth 2 Annual #1 Rating: It mentioned Kanto the Assassin! That should be good enough for everybody's dog's mother.

Worlds' Finest #9

Power Girl's costume design looks like a wardrobe malfunction.

Last issue didn't concern me so I'm going to just dive right into this one.

The issue is called "Raid" and it begins with some men in black armor raiding Starr Island. For my family members who only read this blog to see what's going on with my life because I never pick up the Goddamned Batman phone to call once in a while, that's the name of Power Girl's Fortress of Solitude. The Fortress of Solitude is where Superman lives! Power Girl is the cousin of Superman. But not the Christopher Reeves Superman you'd be familiar with! This is the Superman from Earth 2. Yes, there are multiple Earths, mom. I don't know why! Ask Stephen Hawking! No wait! I do know why! Because somewhere amidst all of their silly and crazy tales of alternate realities and alternate dimensions, DC decided to get all meta on everybody. They began doing shit like making The Silver Age Flash read comic books about the Golden Age Flash and then the Silver Age Flash eventually vibrated his nether regions in just the right way to shift realities so that he could discover the Golden Age Flash was real and not just a figment of the fictional comic book writer's imagination! And so Earth 2 was born! Pretty soon writers were coming up with all sorts of crazy Earths! Like Earth-C where everyone was a sexy anthropomorphic fox woman! And Earth-S where all the super heroes were related to each other somehow! And Earth...what? No, the characters in The New 52 are from Earth 0. I don't know why! I don't know what number "our Earth" is! Anyway, MOM, Power Girl is Karen Starr and her island is being overrun by probably bad men.

Luckily The Huntress is currently recovering from her injuries sustained in that last issue that didn't concern me.

The Huntress is the daughter of...um, she's just now being introduced! This is her first time I've ever seen her. Yeah, she's cute, mom. Adorable. Yes she's probably a fundamentalist Christian with that cross on her outfit. Her secret power is to go about pointing out the people that are going to burn in Hell and believing terrorist attacks should be blamed on homosexuality. She should probably be called The Cuntress, amirite? Sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass every generation of our family by using that kind of language. I'm sure I did learn it from dad's side of the family.

Even with her arm in a cast, The Huntress heads off to stop the horrible (probably Atheist) men. Power Girl helped solve The Huntress's problems last issue so it's time to return the favor. She engages the squad of five bad gun wielding bad guys with just her one good arm and a brick. Yes, I know she'd probably get shot in the face and die in real life. But you need to have a pretty healthy suspension of disbelief for comic books. I'm sure you did once own a copy of the first appearance of Superman. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure dad did sell it for narcotics and booze. That story totally makes sense, mom. Can I continue?

Turns out these trespassing, breaking-and-entering heathens are coworkers of Hakkou, the Japanese Radiation Eating Monster Man. I'm not going to keep explaining who these people are, mom! Look, if you stop interrupting, I promise I'll call you when I'm done reading this comic, okay? Sheesh.

Let me just put this wig and dress away and move the corpse and the rocking chair into the other room and maybe the old biddy will stop bothering me.

Great! Now where was I? Oh yeah! Power Girl's Alfred means for Hakkou's friends to leave. Big surprise I can't remember her name, hunh?

Wonder Woman has a line of slippers? Or are these cheap knock-offs?

Power Girl's Alfred shoots one the thieves in the face which doesn't go over so well. I'm actually pretty impressed that she pulled the trigger. Usually in these situations, both parties just stand there talking tough while pointing their guns at each other because nobody really wants to take a bullet to the brain, so everybody is extra careful. But this fierce bitch just pops one in the head of the woman that decided opening her big fucking mouth was an acceptable alternative to leaving. I like Power Girl's assistant! I guess it's time to learn her name.

The Huntress catches the part of the conversation where the now bleeding woman called her and her cohorts "repo men". Hopefully she's not going to judge Power Girl for stealing other people's technology when The Huntress had no problem stealing Batman's money. She might feel her theft was justified because she's kind of related to Batman and Power Girl's theft was unjustified because the consequences keep almost getting them all killed.

The Huntress kills time remembering how she got her uniform and how she helped Karen become the island owning corporate giant she has become. She also shoots at the bad guys to keep them busy until Power Girl answers her page from her assistant. Really? Power Girl still uses a pager? I thought only the Batfamily still used those. Unless people still sometimes refer to texts as pages? How would I know! I don't own a phone. It's an easy excuse to not have to stay in touch with that stupid family I mentioned earlier that I hope stopped reading after I stopped explaining stuff!

Power Girl's return to save the day doesn't exactly go as planned though.

I guess it's time for The Huntress's crossbow to save the day again because the super power Kryptonian failed. Again.

Except The Huntress doesn't have her crossbow so she just has to rely on the weaker and less elegant gun. She shoots the bad guy's blaster rifle in just the right spot and it blows up. The other bad guys flee while Power Girl interrogates the man who shot her. Why the fuck are they trespassing? What do they want? Why did that gun hurt so much!?

Oh, don't judge, you hypocritical sneak thief!

Worlds' Finest #9 Rating: No change. The best part of this comic book is the relationship between The Huntress and Power Girl and that was in short supply this time. Some good stuff with the flashback that I mostly skipped but not much else. Nothing fantastic this month but still a good read and one of the better comics of The New 52.

And speaking of The New 52, DC's Channel 52 debuts this week as a two page comic in the back of every issue. It's really just a dumping ground for what's happening around the New DCU and I'm sure it's going to constantly be full of spoilers. But whatever. It's got Ambush Bug!

I hope this doesn't mean he's permanently on some kind of leave from the real New 52 universe.

I was hoping the main reporter would be Jonni DC but it turns out she's Brother Blood shill, Bethany Snow. The other reporters are Calendar Man (whose Case File I just unlocked yesterday while playing Arkham Asylum!) and Vartox, some old Superman ally. Mostly it's just DC reporting what's going on in their various titles. But at least Ambush Bug looks good! I wonder who did the art?