Titans #11

Mike McKone
Deathstork Jerking Off Nightwing 2017
Pencils on paper
26.01 x 16.84 cm (10.24 x 6.63 in)

I stopped reading Titans because I'm bored of comic books about friends with enormous thighs on their too-long legs stuffed into helter-skelter panel boxes. But since my favorite amoral loner has decided he needs to crossover with the Titans so he can remind himself how much fun it was to beat their asses, I suppose I'll give it one more try. But only for this issue! Just know I'm risking falling into a terrible existential depression by looking at Brett Booth's art! Although it might be worth it just for this McKone cover that no art editor at DC looked at or knew how to answer the question, "Why is this picture making me feel all warm in the nether regions?"

Holy shit. Immediately, I hate myself for picking up this comic book. On the first fucking page, Brett Booth is still fucking making references to Pizza Fish. That was like the second or third reason I stopped reading this stupid fucking comic book. Just after "The art is terrible" and "This art is so fucking terrible."

Hurry! Somebody get Garth some water! And a bra!

I guess everything that happened to the Titans pre-New 52 that they've just recently remembered happens in Hatton Corners. Ravager dies of a heart attack while trying to kill the Teen Titans. Deathstork arrives to tell the son he treated like shit for the last decade and a half that the Teen Titans are dead. Ravager dies happy for some reason. I guess he wanted to kill the Teen Titans so that his father would be proud of him. Deathstork doesn't tell him he loves him but he does kind of hug him. Unless he's actually squeezing him so hard that he dies from a lack of oxygen which then gives Deathstork a reason to kill the Titans (and also gets his pain in the ass son out of his life).

Welcome to Illogical and Nonsensical Plot Motivation Comics!

Here we see another prime example of why I stopped reading a comic book about these Teen Titans. The only time they ever battle a super villain is when the super villain brings the battle to them. They've never once saved the world except when saving themselves just happened to also save the world. But in those situations, the world was in trouble because the Teen Titans existed. I'm only currently reading the other Teen Titans book because Damian Wayne is leading them.

The initial scene was Slade dreaming before waking up from a corneal transplant. So now he's not blind in his good eye anymore although I bet his body is still being ravaged by cancer caused by his radiation poisoning. At least he didn't become young and obsessed with this testicles again.

Now that he's awake and he can see, Slade decides it's time to go kill the Titans due to their not having done anything. Good. They totally deserve it.

Meanwhile in New York, Omen shows off her inability to understand secret identities.

Ixnay on the ickday and allyway! You're surrounded by bad guys and pizza fish adverts, dum-dum!

Wally West disappears in the space between panels because Deathstork is just that good and Dan Abnett is just that lazy. Deathstork wants to make a deal with Wally West but he doesn't explain himself yet. First he has to pretend that he cared about Grant so that Wally West feels sympathy for him.

Meanwhile back at Titans Tower East, Tempest tries to participate in the team brainstorming session but everybody just shits all over him. Get used to it, Mini-Aquaman! You'll never be respected by your peers!

Maybe if you would stop using his real name and social security number around villains, Dick wouldn't hate your guts and might want to share the truth with you.

Slade wants to go back in time to, presumably, save his son Grant. I think he just wants to go back in time to shit all over him one last time. But Wally West refuses to time travel for Slade. He's all, "Time travel is bad and we don't do it anymore! Why do you think the Cosmic Treadmill is still safe in storage on the Justice League Watchtower and totally not being used irresponsibly by anybody right now at all?" But Slade is all, "If you won't help save my son whom I don't care about at all but feel pretty guilty about the way I treated him and how he died and maybe I loved him in my own way and tried to make him a man but he needed my love more than he needed to be a responsible adult and so he got himself killed and I sort of regret it then maybe Kid Flash will help me!" As if Kid Flash can time travel!

Ugh. I can't wait until this story is over and Deathstork can get back to staying within the pages of his own comic book where there's a distinct lack of nonsense and Brett Booth art.

Deathstork #18

I could totally have done a decent job Photoshopping this but why bother when I can just as easily Shoop it!

The Review!
This is the conclusion to the "Twilight" story but it doesn't really resolve much of anything. I suppose it's only called "Twilight" because it's kind of a prologue to the coming Lazarus Contract series. Priest reminds readers of practically everything that has happened in the last eighteen issues so readers know all about the Rebirth version of Deathstork going into the story that will probably change everything again. Not totally, of course! But this issue covers the basics of the things that from his past that made Deathstork who he is: Grant's rebelliousness; Joseph's slashed throat; Rose following in his footsteps; Slade's time with the Suicide Squad; Adeline's hatred for her ex-husband; Red Lion's association with Deathstork; Pat and Luis's previous post-Crisis relationship with Slade; Wintergreen as Slade's moral compass. I may have missed some but those are the stresses acting on Deathstork's life (plus the ones he doesn't know about like Dr. Ikon turning into some kind of Solomon Grundyesque beast) as he goes into the story where he'll get to remember more horrible things he's done. The Titans should remind him how he got Grant killed and how he got Terra killed and how he got Joseph killed (although Joseph isn't dead anymore so that memory will be a weird one to deal with). I think he's about to learn that he's not even as nice as the hardly nice guy he currently thinks he is.

The Ranking!
No change. This series really does need to be read in one sitting, right? It's a nice change of pace to read a comic book that doesn't forget the past every six issues or so while also packing in lots and lots of story to keep me from being bored. I'm not being too obvious looking at my Wonder Woman comics right now, am I?

Deathstork #17

"I spy with my humongous eye something tiny that begins with D."

Last issue, I mentioned how angry Power Girl's fake boob window was making me. But then she got shot through the torso with the Infinity Rifle. That shot was taken from a higher advantage (because she was normal height and Deadline was standing on a car) which means it should have created a hole in her costume right around her tits and come out the back right around the top of her ass. She recovered but her costume probably shouldn't have recovered. Which means Power Girl should now have a boob window as well as a butt crack veranda. I'm all over that costume.

This is part six of the story called "Twilight." I feel like no stories should ever be called "Twilight" ever again.

The issue begins with a conversation between Slade and Billy Wintergreen. Wintergreen now has Deadline's Infinity Rifle and is storing it for some time when Slade needs to fight Superman again. Or kill him for a contract. Whatever. You never know what tomorrow will bring when you'll do anything for a paycheck.

I can practically hear all of the Deathstork Fangenders screaming their heads off after that characterization of him! So many people want to see him as a hero. But he's just a guy who kills people for money! Stop projecting your feelings of wanting to fuck him onto his morality!

While Slade is on the phone with Wintergreen, Beast Boy stops by to see if he can get into Power Girl's panties. Oh, sure, he simply asks her if she wants pizza. But since Gar Logan is a serial sexual harasser, we all know where that's going to lead.

I can practically hear all of the Beast Boy Fangenders screaming their heads off about that characterization of him! So many people want to see him as funny but he's really just a desperate pig who won't take anything less than a starbolt to the groin as an answer.

Beast Boy happens to notice Slade in the other room and his rectum falls out. He's all, "Oh shit! I've got all of these memories in my body that seem new but aren't new at all! They're like these red and blue memories but they're merging so that I suddenly remember that Deathstork is like the Teen Titans worst enemy ever and he once got the young girl I loved killed! And also statutorily raped before that! I need to end his life!" Gar turns into a gorilla and screams, "Call the cops! Call the Justice League! Call anybody but the Teen Titans!" But Power Girl is all, "What? Why? Oh, him? That's Deathstork? I mean, I knew it was Deathstork and not some blind jerk I was helping! I totally have this covered. Now exit the door and don't try to get back in and just leave the comic book completely even though you know my life is in very real danger! Good bye! We'll get pizza next week when I probably won't be dead!"

Power Girl figures Deathstork heard the encounter with Beast Boy since he went blind and not deaf. So she slinks into the room and asks him if he's going to kill her. As if he could! She just proved that she can basically heal from anything if she simply grows to giant size! So Deathstork is all, "Don't worry, young lady who is definitely too young for me to be fucking. You and all young women like you are totally and historically safe with me! Double wink!" He says "Double wink" because he's used to people not being able to tell when he's winking because he usually has that patch over one eye.

He does like to lie with little girls! Also...Roscoe can talk?!

Meanwhile in Minneapolis, Rose teaches Hosun about the Kiss of Death. Unless maybe she's just really happy that somebody, somewhere, finally told her the truth about something. Does that work? Does telling women truthful things that they don't want to hear get them to sleep with you?! I've been doing it all backwards and telling them lying things they totally want to hear! No wonder I still don't know what a vagina looks like! I bet it's like a doughnut, right?

Back in New York, Power Girl threatens to take Slade into the police now that she knows he is an assassin. So Slade does something that all of Slade's Fangenders finally won't be able to go along with. Maybe they can justify fucking a teenager and getting her killed. Maybe they can justify killing whomever he wants for the right price without letting any kind of justice but his own ethics decide. But how will they justify this dick move?

He murdered a fucking dog! He's as huge a monster as Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason!

This scene is why I love Priest's Deathstork book and why every other Deathstork book has failed until now. Slade will do anything — ANYTHING — for his own benefit. Before this moment, Slade tells Power Girl that there are no heroes and no villains. That "people simply do what they do." And that's how I want to see Slade written. He is not the upstanding, ethical hero who knows when it's right to kill. He's just a fucking guy doing what he needs to do for himself and, sometimes (though not often!), his family. And when a writer decides they need to make Slade likable at any cost, it costs the book its personality. Ironically, Slade needs to do wretched and unpopular things to be likable. He has to be Slade Wilson. He needs to be free to be Deathstroke. Most writers up until now just haven't had the stomach for it.

Power Girl, obviously, flips the fuck out when he murders her dog. Now Slade, blind and without a guide dog, has to figure out a way to get away from Power Girl. It shouldn't be too hard. It's not like she's an experienced Teen Titan that knows Slade's tricks and behaviors. It's not like she's like the guy she kicked out who just wanted pizza and could totally have helped her catch Slade. Hopefully he knew better than to simply go home and forget about seeing Slade in Tanya's apartment. This might be the beginning of that whole Judas Contract thing. I mean Lazarus Contract!

Slade manages to track down his suit while evading Power Girl, thanks to his glasses' connection with Ikon Suit Wintergreen. Ikon Suit Wintergreen is all, "I cannot come up with a plan to kill her." And Slade is all, "Whoa, what now? I don't want to kill her! I just want to fuck her! OH!" And the suit is all, "Dude, you should probably hope that the Superman Reborn story did not include reintegrating you with your Terra history." And Slade is all, "No way! That's one sweet ass memory!"

Slade escapes to live again but at what cost? How many Deathstork Fangenders have just decided this is the worst version of Deathstork ever? They're wrong, of course! This is the absolutely finest characterization of Deathstork I've seen in a comic book with his name on it. This is the Deathstork I keep writing about which almost always gets me yelled at by Deathstork fans. Usually those fans are fans of the Slade from the Teen Titans cartoon, so they can be forgiven for not truly understanding what Slade Wilson really is. But now they know! He murdered Tanya's pet for pretty much no other reason than to make her hate him and cause her to be distracted by the pain of loss while he escaped her. What a fucking dick. I love it!

Although I still hate that Tomasi and Gleason had Superboy kill his mom's cat Goldie because that's just fucking painful. He will never get over being responsible for the death of a family pet. Never! No matter how much Pete and Pat try to pretend it didn't happen. Goldie had better get the chance to return to life like every other superhero! Hopefully whatever weird shit is going on in the ground around the Kent Farm and Deadman's Swamp will bring Goldie back. But she'll be different! They never come back right! You reap what you sow!

Meanwhile, Rose (like the Deathstork Fangenders) is having a nervous breakdown after realizing just how big a monster her father is. But Wintergreen, Slade's spin specialist, PR Agent, and all around conscience in waiting, spends some time on the phone trying to convince her (and himself) that Slade's better than he appears to be.

Sure, whatever. BUT HE JUST MURDERED A DOG!

Oh, and just to be clear: Ikon Suit Wintergreen explicitly mentions how Slade killed the dog. I only say that because I'm less than trustworthy in the way I usually relate events in the comic book. But he did kill Roscoe. Snapped his neck like a doggy biscuit!

Meanwhile, Joseph is having problems of his own. Etienne just discovered that Joseph was fucking Dr. Ikon on the side. And because of that, she lets Joseph know that she's been fucking Slade on the side. So I guess that's why he's going to have to murder her. Or at least that's giving him a reason to murder her so all of the Wilsons are now suspects! I know she isn't dead yet but the comic book keeps showing the scene of her dead in her wedding gown so I'm assuming it's going to happen. But who will do it?! Rose the angry sister? Joseph the beta cuck? Slade the dog murderer?! So many people to choose from!

The Ranking!
+1! I never would have thought that I'd raise the ranking of a comic book where the lead character just murdered a pet. Context is important!

Deathstork #14

I wonder if DC would be up for publishing a Deathstork variant cover so I don't have to Photoshop every issue.

When I was Photoshopping the cover, I assumed the white streak running through the "O" was water. So when I actually gave the cover a good look, I thought Deathstork was in The Mystery Spot where water spilled upwards out of the holes he shot in the walls. I'm not sure the reality of the cover is any better. Why is Deathstork using bullets that smoke? Maybe he uses Ice Bullets so that they melt, leaving no evidence of the crime! And that's steam coming out of his gun the way wispy tendrils of cordite don't ever come out of the barrels of guns because that's pretty much why cordite and other smokeless propellants were invented. Not that any artist doing covers for Deathstork have ever cared about that! Smoke coming out of the barrel of a gun is just shorthand for "This gun was just recently shot! You can tell by the smoke that is pouring out of the barrel the way smoke never does!"

Deathstork continues to fuck his son's fiance. But he has good reasons to! He knows she was just getting close to Joseph to get to him anyway. And also he likes fucking her. That's probably the primary reason. But she fell in love with Joseph while trying to get to Slade and now things are complicated and she's just going to have to continue to fuck the father and the son, preferably at different times. Although I don't think Slade or Joseph would really have a problem with fucking all together. Maybe they can get Rose to join too!

Speaking of Rose, she's still in Minneapolis dodging marriage proposals from Hosun and fuck proposals from her hip-hop cousin. It's too cold in Minneapolis so I won't be scanning any pictures of Rose in her underwear. Sorry perverts and lesbians and lesbian perverts.

I just noticed Norm Rapmund is doing the inking on this issue but Brett Booth isn't doing the art. Did they have a lover's spat?

Don't get me wrong! I'm thankful Brett Booth isn't doing the art on this series! Judging by his style, it seems he spent 95% of his time learning to draw by practicing drawing thighs.

After clearing up the prison break incident in Florence, Deathstork heads to New York because the incident in Florence isn't totally cleared up yet. To get his sword back from lock-up, he has to do a favor for Dex. My guess is that favor is shooting a cab driver in the face. But since Deathstork only has the one eye, he has trouble hitting the cabbie, even at point blank range. Granted, point blank range also includes hanging onto the hood of the cab as the cab driver smashes into buses and swerves all over the street. The messed up mission ends with a giant Power Girl inadvertently coming to Slade's aid. She's not involved in the chase for long but long enough that I figure Priest has a reason for her being here. All of the characters in his book have a story. He doesn't just throw them in for a quick guest spot. Unless that's exactly what he did with Raptor. It's too late to tell! Although Slade's Ikon suit still has the bird Raptor painted on the chest. So see? Leaving his own mark on the story! Plus he'll probably be back to challenge Slade. Probably whenever Nightwing winds up in this book.

Does the Ikon suit's gravity sheath not extend to the sleeves? Seems like an amputation disaster waiting to happen! Or maybe it just can't stop needle points?

Deathstork smashes the guy Dex sent him after between a Dumpster brand trash receptacle and an alley wall. After that, he has enough time to change back into his civilian gear before passing out from whatever was in the needle. And that's exactly the moment Power Girl reappears! She missed all the Deathstork stuff and just thinks Slade is a victim of the rampaging taxi driver.

Rose visits a pawn shop to pick up a sword that's now been in her family for generations, wink, wink! Fittingly, it's inscribed with the word "Rose" in Hmong. Lucky! I mean, the story is called "Destiny" but it's really more "Lucky!", right?

Oh! Back at Power Girl's Power Cave (a studio apartment on the some compass direction side of New York), I learn that one of Deathstork's sleeves is missing. I either missed how that happened or Raptor still has it. Anyway, one benefit of being taken home by Power Girl is that she decontaminates Deathstork's radioactive suit. It also turns out Deathstork is currently blind. Well, that finally explains that! Remember how he bumped into the wall while visiting Pat awhile back? Sure, that was a few issues ago but it apparently took place in the future. Stupid stories that don't tell themselves in a linear fashion. I still don't even know why this story is called "Twilight"! There hasn't been one teenage vampire or dying god in it at all!

Oh! Maybe Deathstork is the dying god. Or vampire!

The Ranking!
No change! I'm assuming Slade went blind after being injected with whatever he was injected with. But he couldn't even shoot the cabbie in the face so maybe he was already blind but he just didn't know it yet because all of his other senses are as fine-tuned as his reflexes. He didn't realize he couldn't see because his other senses were compensating so well! That totally explains why he couldn't shoot that guy in the face. What also explains it? That cabbie is probably some super villain! I bet he's not dead at all! It's not like Deathstork saw him die, what with being blind and all.

Superman #13

This is no time to be taking a selfie, Supes.

The Review!
This issue is about love and reflection and monsters in love too. That last part is the best part. I don't care that Superman gets a renewed perspective on his family life. I just like Frankenstein and Lady Frankenstein at each other's throats. And I especially like that Frankenstein still pines for Lady Frankenstein even though he blew the relationship apart because she did something he did not approve of. Sure, that something was killing their only child. But it's not like she approved of that either! She didn't want that to happen! But her son begged her and, being his mother, and knowing that he was in pain due to the destruction and hurt he'd caused, and that once his moment of clarity ended he would go back to that, she killed him. For the greater good. And Frankenstein hurt her even more by not accepting that and not being there for her. Instead he decided to take out his anger and mourning on her when she most needed love and comfort. So when he asks her to return to him, she, quite rightly, tells him to fuck off. Now that's a love story I can appreciate!

The Ranking!
+1!

Death of Hawkman #4

I hope Hawkman dies this issue!

The Review!
Hawkman still isn't dead! Zero stars! But Despero is now covered in Nth Metal! As if he wasn't already powerful enough. Now he's also practically invincible. I hope he suffers some kind of heavy metal toxicity from being covered in so much of the stuff.

Alanna is still being a real asshole warmonger. Despero explains it as her being driven mad by her father's supposed death. But a better explanation would be that Despero is controlling her mind. Otherwise she's being a real fucking dick who's going to get everybody killed.

Adam Strange is also still in this comic book but he doesn't do much this issue aside from almost throw up a number of times.

Titans #4

If you added a "His" to this title, it could anagram into "shitstain." Apt?

Brett Booth's art is terrible. Why are so many people fooled into thinking he knows how to draw? I suppose if he were drawing people with blood clots in their thighs, causing the painful retention of blood and water in their massively expanding legs, I could see how he was doing a good job. In the early stages of The New 52, his style didn't bother me. I might have even mentioned liking it once or twice because I'm more apt to appreciate cartoony comic book art than art that verges on the realistic. But I think somewhere along the way, he noticed people were raving about Kenneth Rocafort's comic book style. Now Booth's panel layouts are all over the place. It's so punk rock! Here's a simple hint that your comic book art is terrible: if the best compliment people can give it is that it's "dynamic," you're art is shit. Now, I don't know that people describe Booth's art as dynamic but I'd agree with that assessment. It's pretty fucking out of control and all over the fucking page. Plus, he fills a lot of space with clouds and dust which presume movement (dynamism!) but are really just a lazy way to cover up that boring background art.

So anyway, Wally West is back in the Titans and a lot of people are thrilled. I think. I'm annoyed because did the DC Universe really need another speedster? Nobody knows how to write a good Speedster comic book. Here's the first page as evidence:

Take his wand, Wally. Take it. Go super fast and take it. See when he says, "Oh"? Take the wand now! Dammit, stop hesitating. Now he's saying "but"! Take the wand! Take it! Take...you idiot! Okay, you've still got a chance! He's now saying "yes!" So much time in the space of that word for a speedster to take the wand out of Kadabra's hand and shove it up his pee hole. But does Wally take the opportunity? Nope. Maybe he'll finally superspeed into success while Kadabra says, "She's gone, Mr. West! Ppof! Your precious Linda Park has vanished before your very eyes!" No, wait, he didn't do it. See that second "POP!"? Kadabra's gone!

Some of you fuckwits will rationalize why Wally doesn't act in what is practically a decade of time from his perspective because you're puppets of your fandom. You could never utter a bad word against the character who you love so much you've drawn a terrible line drawing of him naked that you keep tucked inside your pillow case so that you can masturbate over him every night and fall asleep in your soggy sheets dreaming of his spectacular big thighed body. You're probably thinking about how traumatized poor Wally is having just seen his lover disappear right in front of him. He was too stunned to act! He was in shock! Or maybe he was too stupid to stop Linda Park from being kidnapped by Kadabra since Wally West had this exact same amount of time to stop Kadabra from taking Linda at the end of the last issue. I suppose he was too busy trying to hide his Linda Park Boner to save her that time, right?

Nothing is instantaneous (especially not villainous speeches directed at the hero) but, somehow, in Speedster comic books, the reader is constantly asked to believe that people can get the drop on a Speedster. Even if we theorize Wally West has two modes, Regular Speed and Speed Force Speed, I still can't believe that somebody can get the drop on him while he's at normal speed. If I can punch the face of a person who startles me from behind then Wally West can drop into Speed Force Speed just as quickly. And once he's gone speedy, nobody can do anything that Wally West doesn't want them to do. He should never say, "But I'm not fast enough." I never want to hear that coming from a Speedster. Unless, of course, the Speedster is fighting one of the infinite evil Speedsters that are all always faster than the good Speedster so that the story has some kind of fake dramatic tension.

Wally goes on to explain how Kadabra's "techno-magic" made Linda Park disappear right in front of him and he wasn't fast enough. I would totally accept that if what happened was she was there and then suddenly she wasn't there. But what happened was Kadabra teleported in, said a whole bunch of shit, and teleported out. And now the same exact crap is going on as Kadabra teleports around while speaking and Wally isn't fast enough to catch him. I guess Kadabra is saying everything in a nearly instantaneous burst of noise which Wally can hear as normal speech due to being in Speed Force Speed.

This should be the mantra of every member of every incarnation of every team of Titans ever.

Abra Kadabra calls Flash by his name, Mr. West, so I guess Flash's secret identity isn't a thing. I know some heroes don't give a shit about secret identities which, you would think, would ruin it for everybody. Because it can't be that difficult, with a little time and research, to begin matching up all of the regular people Wally West hangs out with and then matching them up with the people they hang out with before a pattern begins to develop. Wally to Dick to Bruce. Wally to Roy to Oliver to Dinah to Barbara to Bruce. Wally to Garth to Arthur. Although Arthur doesn't have a secret identity either, right? It's just nobody on the Justice League wants to hang out with Aquaman on off hours, so Arthur Curry can't be linked to any of the other Justice League members' secret identities.

Linda Park is such a fat ass. Look at that! No thigh gap!

I'm not sure, by the size of Brett Booth's character's thighs, he could draw a woman with a thigh gap. I guess that's one positive thing I can say about his art!

Kadabra's plan is to destroy Wally West. He thinks that's a magic trick. He also thinks, if we allow him the benefit of the doubt that it is a magic trick, that anybody will be interested in the trick. I mean anybody besides me! Because, let's face it, The Titans haven't actually existed before this in this reality. So nobody will give a shit about them. And if people assume that these Titans are the same as those Teen Titans that went around causing chaos and mayhem and breaking into prisons and helping escaped convicts remain free, then...okay, maybe people will enjoy that trick if they think that.

Abra Kadabra is just being used by The Watchmen, though, to try to tie up all of the loose ends from the Preboot Universe that have wormed their way into The New 52 universe (which has now been rebranded the Rebirth universe but is still exactly the same as The New 52 universe only with more idiot readers who fell for the rebranding and are super excited about that thing they recently despised). To be fair, the Rebirth universe is actually completely different than The New 52 universe because the writers have a mandate to make the characters say things that aren't true about the Rebirth universe but, if said enough, will become true to the audience.

Like here. Wally declares the Titans are his oldest and best friends. Maybe to Wally but they hardly remember him! Except they totally remember him and their New 52 lives because fuck you. Also, Dick tells Wally he loves him which totally isn't true because Dick barely knows him. And he tells Lilith that she's always been a Titan even though he didn't know she existed before a few issues ago. Except, I guess, he completely remembers Wally and Lilith and all of his Preboot memories. So look for Dick Grayson to be in an insane asylum in a few issues. Probably along with the rest of these characters (and Wonder Woman!) who suddenly have to remember various incarnations of themselves because DC's editors have sucked at their jobs for thirty years now.

Think about how badly DC knew they screwed up with The New 52 by the second year in. They thought divesting all of their characters with their decades of past, crazy history would make for an interesting project. But by two years in, they desperately felt the characters needed more history to them and so they pulled that fucking terrible Futures End crap. They thought injecting five years of fake history into the characters would make the characters interesting and yet they just discarded fifty years of actual stories for their new project. They were desperate to inject something more than the present into these characters. They were devoid of the drama of past history and relationships so DC tries to fill that void with prognostications of their futures. Which is the dumbest thing to do because now instead of creating tension and drama, you've locked your characters into a path that leads them to their stupid Futures End future. DC realized their mistake at some point and decided to pull the whole Conversion thing as a bit of legerdemain as they threw out most of the Futures End stuff and tried to forge a new path into the New 52. That, of course, failed as well and the only thing they had left was the emergency chute: bring back Wally West to show they mean to change things back. But in the meantime, blame most of the mistakes on the audience by making The New 52 the fault of the Watchmen (get it? The watchers! The readers!) but pretend that the Watchmen actually represent the editors who really should take all of the blame but DC only really blames them in a wink, wink, tongue-in-cheek manner. DC fucking hates everybody reading their comic books. The contempt shows in every editorial fuck up they bumble into.

This page could have been replaced by a Polaroid of Dan Abnett jerking himself off and I wouldn't have noticed the difference.

Where the fuck did Tempest come up with that time table? Is that how long the Find the Lady vaudeville act usually lasted? Oh, and remember what I said about Booth's penchant for dust and steam? You can practically hear Brett Booth moaning, "Fuck these skyscrapers. STEAM!" The bottom panel of this same page (not scanned) has no background except gray expanse and steam or dust or farts. Whatever.

Oh! And also, just in case you didn't remember that the Titans are lifelong friends who totally didn't just learn of each other's existence about three days previously, Donna Troy reminds everybody. Hey Donna Troy? Have you told them that you're a golem created to destroy the Amazons who has also become The Three Fates? Can't you use your ability to see everybody's destinies and tell them all where Linda Park is?

I love that Donna Troy, here in Rebirth, already has a terminally fucked up and confusing backstory.

Wally thinks, "At first I think, I don't deserve friends like this. Then I think, I'd do the same for them." We get it, Dan. Jesus fucking Christ. They're best friends! Friendship wins! Friends friends friends friends friends friends friends! This shit is sappier than fucking Lumberjanes.

Kadabra has shown the Titans three locations across the city where Linda Park might be so they split up to check those locations. Haven't these idiots ever heard of Three Card Monty? None of the cards are the card you're looking for! Plus, he's a magician! Figure out where he might be thematically! Don't trust he's appearing at a Gymnasium or a Keymart! I mean, maybe he is performing at a Keymart because he's a shit magician. But even then, it would be from 2-4 on Sunday afternoon.

Kadabra doubles the power of his puppets so that they're twice as powerful as the Titans. If he has that kind of power, why is he taking so long to destroy the Titans? He can make people with super powers! He can...wait a second. What does it mean to double Nightwing's powers? Does that mean he's an even better friend than Dick Grayson?

I'll let the rabble make the ass jokes.

Fuck you.

If Wally West obliterates you in the future, how did you come back from the future to stop Wally from obliterating you? And if that's just one possibility and you came back from a future where he didn't obliterate you, why come back at all? Kadabra mentioned earlier he's the greatest magician on all worlds. Why not pick a world that hasn't realized he's a greedy prat and just live there? Comic book time travel is always the worst. Why not have Kadabra come from the future because it's easier to rob banks in the past? Why not have him come from the future to steal shit that will be valuable in the future so he can take it back and sell it to make his fortune? Why not have him do anything except change the past so the future is different? Who fucking cares?! If you can time travel and you hate your lot in life in the present (of your future!), why not fucking go forward in time to start again?!

So the Titans go about town fighting the puppet Titans. It's super exciting.

Here. Have some disgusting thighs and terrible repartee while I finish reading this shit.

Kadabra explains to Linda Park that if Wally West "accelerates too fast, he loses himself." So I guess that's the excuse for why he can't be super fast enough to stop somebody when they're talking? He has to warm up the engines and go from zero to light speed in a reasonable amount of time? Apparently that amount of time is too reasonable and anybody can beat his ass then. Except later Kadabra just mentions that it happens when he runs too fast. So which is it? Is it too much of a top speed that causes him to become unbound in the universe or is it too much acceleration? Either way, it's an arbitrary limit that just makes The Flash useless whenever a writer needs him to be useless. Because now he has to be fast enough to stop the criminal but not too fast or he'll disappear from the universe. Which means...well, it means nothing. It just means the writer has some kind of excuse to keep Wally West from being invincible.

The Titans all fail against the Titan puppets which must be truly humiliating. Wally has to save them all but Kadabra has another trick up his dick: he sends them all to different cities so that The Flash has to run all over saving them! I mean, he sent one group to Coast City and the others to Metropolis and Gotham which are basically right next door to each other anyway. But the issue is that The Flash will have to run super fast to save them all and we just learned what will happen then! The Flash will get lost in infinity! Or something.

The Review
Terrible. It's possible the writing isn't as bad as I believe it is because I'm in a pretty foul mood having to look at Brett Booth's art throughout the story. But I'm fairly certain the writing is that bad because on the final page, Wally West Narration Boxes, "His techno-magic is faster than thought." That's not a thing. See, Kadabra has to think a thought to get the techno-magic to do the thing, so it's at least slower than thought. But let's pretend it's pre-programmed to be faster than thought anyway. Thought isn't really all that fast. Here's the thing. If the Flash runs at superspeed, his ability to think has to be faster than a regular person's ability to think or else he couldn't navigate while running. Hell, he probably shouldn't be able to see very well while running and he certainly shouldn't be able to hear other people talking to him while running faster than the speed of sound. And people shouldn't be able to hear what he...sorry! I've gone off track. Anyway, a common way to beat The Flash in old DC Comics was to have him go up against psychics like Grodd because their thoughts were faster than his speed ability. Again, though, total nonsense. I'll admit that if Grodd blasted The Flash with his psionics while The Flash wasn't paying attention, it would work wonderfully. But if The Flash survived the blast, it would be over for Grodd. Unless Grodd didn't need to be nearby and only needed to think his psychic thoughts without directing them. But then who could stand against Grodd anyway?! Maybe Doctor Fate!

Um, anyway, I didn't like this issue or this series, so it's gone. Off the list! Even if it's going to be a linchpin series in the whole Watchmen fucking with the DC Universe story, I have to drop it. There are just way too many bad ideas in it and it's trying way too hard to replace New 52 continuity for whatever the fuck the characters say enough times to convince readers. I'll pass.

Titans #3

Here the Titans pose for a Dali painting.

The Commentary!
• Tempest may have just died at the end of last issue so here's what Wally West is thinking as this issue begins: "My name is Wally West. I'm the fastest man alive. Fastest at getting my friends into trouble! Oh snap! Boom! Drop the fucking mic, bitches! What what!" I'd say it's weird that the first thing he does when his friend nearly dies is tell himself a little joke but it's probably even weirder that he begins his thought by introducing himself to himself. I know I often do that when I'm shopping. "I'm Tess. I'm the worst shopper ever. Did I get the Oreos yet?"

• I don't know if Tempest is trying to maintain any kind of secret identity but when he gets zapped by Kadabra, Nightwing yells, "Garth!" Right in front of all of the bad guy puppets and the onlookers hoping to see some blood! Here's the thing about secret identities. I don't fucking care if comic books just got rid of them altogether. At least then we wouldn't have to sit through another fucking Civil War at Marvel. I mean, they'll probably think up a new reason to have a civil war. Hell, the second one might not even have anything to do with secret identities. Why would I bother reading it? Marvel might as well have called it "Civil War Made Us A Lot Of Money So Here's Another One, Bitches. Open Up Your Fucking Wallets."

• Anyway, I was saying that comics could get rid of secret identities altogether and I wouldn't care. Just agree to not make them pertinent. Never have some hero's mother kidnapped because the villain knows who the hero is. I can understand why a company wouldn't want to get rid of them because they're such a staple of the genre. But if they're going to make that choice, how about taking them fucking seriously? Enough with heroes calling each other by name in public! Batman especially should never be using names. If anybody knows better, it's probably that guy!

• Tempest calls Flash "Wally" right at Abra Kadabra's feet! Granted, he was just blasted by a magic bolt and is a little confused. So maybe he can be forgiven.

• Abra Kadabra claims that he removed Wally West from the timestream and made everybody forget about him. Please. A D-list villain whose greatest power is to wave a pencil-thin phallus in everybody's face?

• Abra Kadabra disappears in the amount of time it takes to say "Spoil my aim, would you? I don't care. The fun is only just beginning." Flash, who is five feet away, couldn't stop him before he said all of that. Fastest man alive, my asshole.

Can DC Comics please hire somebody to teach Brett Booth how to draw thighs?

• Kadabra appears on a roof across the street in curly toed shoes and standing in foam bubbles. Then he tells everybody his stupid name. Why isn't J.T. Krul's Green Arrow here to stop Kadabra? Kadabra obviously just wants to be famous and J.T. Krul's Green Arrow is super mad at people who want to be famous. So much so that he would go around beating the shit out of them because they had an online video go viral.

• Abra Kadabra vanishes, taking his Teen Puppets with him. I guess his plan for the day was just to let the Titans and Keystone City know his name. Well, he succeeded! That's Kadabra 1, Teen Titans 0!

And maybe she wouldn't like to! Especially if you're going to be so rude about it!

• It's good to see the Titans are up to their regular tricks. Abra Kadabra attacks Keystone City because he's trying to get at The Flash. After the Titans stop Kadabra, Arsenal tells the crowd, "We're the Titans. And thanks to us, Keystone hasn't turned into a, you know, a giant rabbit." Bah! You assholes will take credit for anything!

• A reporter asks Wonder Girl, "What's your name, sweetheart?" What kind of professional reporters do they have in Keystone City? Time travelers from the twenties?

• Wonder Girl drags Arsenal away to lecture him on how dangerous Kadabra actually is and he shouldn't be making light of his powers. Just kidding! She drags him off to ask him if he really loves her! He says he doesn't. But then she walks away and he mumbles about how he does! Why? Is he under an ancient curse to never admit his love to Wonder Girl?

For some reason, Keystone City is full of smoke and everybody is standing around in it. Maybe it's dust kicked up from Brett Booth's comic book panels falling over.

• Meanwhile Herald and Bumblebee have a meaningless conversation about not being part of the Titans. It's meaningless because one of them is going to have to join. The current team is whiter than my toilet paper. My toilet paper is actually a bit pinkish white but that just makes the comparison stronger!

• The Titans go out to eat in their masks and sweaty spandex suits. How dare they get some restaurant's booth all funky. They'd better fucking tip well. Also, where do they keep their money? Arsenal's probably the only one with pockets and I don't see him paying even his own share.

Troy, like Richard, has a first name, you know? Fucking dick. I hope Garth dehydrates.

• Why was the previous panel so straight? Did Brett Booth finally find his misplaced t-square?

• Kadabra has a briefing with his puppets to find out what his puppets learned about the Titans. Basically one of them learned the thing that needed to be learned: West is obsessed with Linda Park. So now Kadabra knows who to target! And he didn't even need to learn Wally's secret identity even though the Titans kept calling him by name!

• While talking to his puppets, Kadabra mentions a "him" who must be behind the weird time anomalies that are still affecting West and his place in the timeline. I wonder who that can be?!

Subtle!

• The Watchmen reference is almost as subtle as the reference to the editors fucking everything up back in the restaurant when Dick says their lives have been edited.

• Just so everybody is on the same page, I'm gauging the level of subtlety of these references at "Godzilla visiting Tokyo" subtle.

• The Flash rushes off to talk with Linda Park and she just screams at him. She really is a rude motherfucker, isn't she? Is this how she gets people to talk for her blog, Super News!?

• I bet people who loved Preboot Wally are having their hearts broken at the scene where Wally is trying to explain himself to Linda. Ha ha! Sissies!

• Linda decides maybe being nice is a better way to get a story and chooses to forgive Wally for barely startling her two times. But only if he agrees to an interview! Her interview tactic is to hurl question after question at him while he stutters out an answer for none of them. She's terrific at this!

• During the interview, Abra Kadabra pops by to kidnap Linda Park and Wally is too slow to stop him. Even though Kadabra says, "Now you see her, now you don't!" I can run all the way across my apartment in the time it takes to say that! And I don't even have superspeed! Hell, I probably have retardedspeed! I didn't mean "retarded" in the pejorative sense there! I meant it in the literal definition of the word! My speed is retarded because I'm a lazy fuck who probably only ever runs once per year!

The Ranking!
-0! A zero because the comic isn't bad but it isn't doing anything great either. The negative sign is because I had to look at Brett Booth's art while reading it. Excuse me while I go run my eyes under a hot tap.

Teen Titans #24

I thought they already fell? Multiple times!

The Commentary!
Last night I was at work when the clock ticked over from the 25th to the 26th and I became as middle-aged as anybody can get. Forty-five. I was listening to my Shuffle so the last song I heard as a forty-four year old was "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers and the first song I heard as an old man was "Obsession" by Marina and the Diamonds. Let's hear it for aging!

"One Headlight" was big when I was in my mid-twenties. It kind of became the soundtrack for my life at the time as I was desperate to get out of the place I'd spent the first quarter century of my life. I hadn't changed. I knew I wasn't the same. I wanted to watch it all burn. I'm particularly proud of myself that I didn't set fire to the Netscape warehouse I managed when I quit my job and, a week later, was driving my Volkswagen bus across the United States. I'm also proud that I didn't burn each and every state on my way out. I'm just proud that I stopped setting fires!

This issue takes place after Red Robin died. He didn't actually die but he was yanked out of continuity much the same way Wally West was. But instead of telling fans Red Robin is gone forever and never actually existed (which they believed because most fans are dum-dums who don't know how to fact check by looking at their own pirated copies of comic books on their laptops to prove that Wally West did actually exist and DC Comics never actually created some time distorting technology which erased Wally West from everybody's minds), Red Robin was shown, in the very same comic in which he died, to still be alive but outside of DC Continuity with Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) and Ambush Bug. I'm starting to think maybe Doctor Oz is Jonni DC and not Ozymandias and/or Doctor Manhattan like the fans have been told. Or maybe Doctor Oz is simply Irwin Schwab!

Sometimes I wish Keith Giffen were running DC Comics. I wouldn't even care if every comic book repeated the same five jokes over and over again. Because that would be the only predictable thing about a Keith Giffen DC Universe. Remember how they gave Stan Lee his own continuity? Why can't Keith Giffen have one of those?

Anyway, Red Robin is dead (but not really! I don't want somebody who thinks they're the biggest Red Robin fan ever reading about his death here and not realizing that DC made sure that the fans knew Red Robin wasn't really dead in the exact same issue because who wants to hear how loudly Red Robin fans can whine?) so this issue is all about the Teen Titans remembering their favorite Red Robin moments. I hope Wonder Girl's favorite time was when they were living on that yacht and she is all, "I loved that time he put his penis in me!" And then Raven will be all, "I loved that time he put his penis that smelled like Wonder Girl's vagina in me!"

Bunker begins Memory Sharing Time!

"I loved that time he put his penis that smelled like Wonder Girl's vagina and Raven's tonsils in my butthole."

Just to let all three of you know, I only got as far as that first panel before deciding Red Robin, possessed by Trigon, also fucked Bunker.

But, um, it looks like things might be going that way!

After they had sex, Tim and Bunker go clothes shopping and then Tim attends his first gay pride parade. He makes a lot of friends, goes to a lot of parties, and sucks a lot of dicks. I don't mean to say gay men are more promiscuous than straight men (of course they aren't! It's just that, you know, if you're a man looking to just fuck and the people you're looking to just fuck happen to be other men just looking to fuck, well...you know what? I'm now gay), it's just that Tim just discovered he loves sucking dick and that's not a time you instantly decide you're ready for a relationship!

So, um, anyway, that was Bunker's favorite memory of Tim. It was the day Tim came out of the closet. Unless that was just Trigon getting in as much fucking as he could while people found him attractive.

Fucking liberal entertainment artists! They can never get the American flag right but they get the rainbow flag correct! I mean, except for that one that has too many stripes and just begins repeating the rainbow pattern.

I suppose the reason DC's artists get the American Flag wrong so often is that most of them aren't Americans. So why should they know the specifics of why the flag is the way it is (although if I had to bet, I'd probably say a higher percentage of Americans can't explain why our flag looks the way it does)? They probably just do a Google Image Search and go, "Yeah. Right. Blue field. Bunch of white stars. Alternating red and white stripes. Got it!" Why would anybody think there's a specific number of stars and stripes?! Just stick on as many as you possibly can. That seems to sum up America pretty accurately, right?!

Next Power Girl shares her favorite memory of Tim. Oh! I know how that probably begins: "So, Tim introduced himself as Red Robin and I was all, 'Hi, I'm Power Girl.' Then he died."

I wasn't far off! Her memory is Tim telling a bad joke and then saying it's nice to know somebody who knows as much as he does. So, she, um, just fucking told all of Tim's friends that, in private, he thought they were morons? Great story, Power Girl!

Tim also helped Power Girl realize she had no obligation to cut a Boob Window into her costume. See? Gay!

Next up: Raven! I bet her story is all about feelings. I'm bored just imagining what it will be!

How many Titans were created to be living weapons?

I didn't have to scan as much of that panel as I did but I wanted to include Raven's crotch and Tim's stupid hair.

Tim is all, "Look, maybe I don't know what it's like being Trigon's daughter...but I know what it's like being in her! OH!" No, actually he mentions how they both have Daddy Issues. Yawn! If Wonder Girl's favorite memory isn't having sex with Tim, I think that's pretty telling about Tim Drake's sexual skills. I guess Batman didn't teach him everything he knows!

Wow! He's supposed to be a genius?! Tim sure read that situation wrong. Batman didn't see a spark of goodness! Batman saw a spark of his own sperm in Damian's genetic makeup!

Gar's memory is just a list of outing past Robin's identities. "Oh, the first one was Dick Grayson. I remember that for some reason even though Spyral erased all of our memories. And then the next one, the dead one, was Jason Todd. Then there's Tim Drake who we only knew as Red Robin for like the first five years we knew him. And then the latest one is Damian Wayne so, you know, guess who Batman is!" I don't really care one way or the other about secret identities. I wouldn't care if they were just left behind and writers simply ignored the idea that family members might get hurt simply to get at the heroes. But it's really hard to tell how much superheroes in the DC Universe care about their identities. Who knows what? How many people has Batman come out to as Bruce Wayne simply to get their confidence up? This is the kind of carelessness which you treat a secret that you don't really give a shit about keeping secret. Unlike that time you fucked the family dog. I mean, you don't tell that one to anybody!

Nope. Wrong. That would be Dick. Thanks for playing.

I do appreciate that Power Girl's funeral attire has a Boob Window, even if her costume doesn't. Totally more appropriate for a funeral anyway. The best place to look sexy is in a room of grief-stricken people just looking to feel life again. I bet more fucking goes on at wakes than at any other type of get together. Which is weird because often it's mostly a mini-family reunion. First cousins aren't technically incest, right? And if they are, there's always the family dog, I suppose.

I'm glad the Titans are telling stories about the good times they had because every issue of the Teen Titans since The New 52 began concentrated on only the bad times. I'm surprised they have any good time stories to tell!

Wonder Girl's story is about shopping with Tim but she doesn't mention the night they fucked! So in summary, shopping with Tim is better than fucking Tim. Totally would have guessed that.

Wonder Girl's story isn't just about shopping though. She and Tim actually did something heroic that day and saved a bunch of people trapped in a fire. So the Teen Titans do help out and save lives! It's just that those stories are super boring and nobody wants to hear them! I guess the fans would rather have lots of stupid relationship drama while the Titans are attacked by their enemies and nearly destroy New York. Then afterward, they pat themselves on the back for saving New York when New York was never in trouble to begin with! Stupid Titans are so stupid. I hate them. I wonder why I have so many of their comic books?! I wonder if I should see a therapist?

After they tell their stories, they all decide it's best to just break up. They all go off to do their own things and not matter separately instead of not mattering together. Meanwhile, Damian is in the Batcave laughing at Tim Drake's empty costume and dancing on his grave. Now all of the Robin's have died at least once! Plus he's probably thinking about how he can put together a Teen Titans that is better than any Teen Titans ever put together by a Robin (which is, like, all of them? Maybe 98% of them?).

Ranking!
+1! Tony Bedard should have been writing this comic book from the beginning. What Tony Bedard just did with these final issues is the equivalent of scraping dog shit off of the front walk and hosing what's left into the gutter so that nobody would ever know it was there. Also, the shit in my analogy is human shit.

Titans #2

Abra Cadabra needs to come up with a new trick.

The Commentary!
Before I start reading this comic book, I should take some sea sickness medication. Will that protect me from the vertigo caused by Brett Booth's wonky panel layouts? If that does help, next I have to figure out what to take to not feel sick looking at everybody's overly long legs and massively thick thighs. Maybe cyanide?

Linda Park, Super News!, is investigating a lead and following a story! She's all hopped up on journalism and ready to Pulitzer her way into the spotlight! Sure, nobody is talking about her blog, Super News!, yet! But once she gets the scoop on the super guy that nobody knows who came from nowhere whom she can't find? Well, look out world! The story of the century!

A lightning storm has hit Keystone City which is big news because whenever that happens, people gain superspeed. So everybody runs down to the area of the storm with their golf clubs and lightning rods in the hopes that this is some of that magical lightning and not the real stuff that doesn't transform a person into anything but a corpse. When Linda gets there, she finds some costumed heroes just standing around in the middle of it. There's Robin and Wonder Girl and Aqualad and Speedy and...hey! How does she recognize Wonder Girl? Maybe she's just mistaking Donna Troy's Wonder Girl with Cassie Sandsmark's Wonder Girl. But then how does she recognize Aqualad? Speedy, I believe, does have a history with Green Arrow so I won't kvetch about that.

Linda rushes into the lightning storm to interview Kid Flash. She begins by screaming his secret identity in front of the crowd. Behind the two of them is a shop called "Pizza Fish" which I can only imagine is a Brett Booth in-joke to distract from his stupid panel layout that looks like shattering glass and his stupid bodies which look like funhouse mirrors.

Wally knew his name and could speak English just after he was born? Awesome!

Obviously these aren't the real Titans! I'm just playing along and not fooled completely! I'll never be completely fooled by anything because I never believe anything. I learned that from the Internet and from Coast to Coast AM and from everybody everywhere who are just stupid assholes. Plus, like Linda Park said, this is what these people looked like a long time ago or never ago in the case of Wonder Girl and Aqualad and Kid Flash! And since Kid Flash feels like he was just born, these must be the Abra-Kadabra puppets from the cover. It's just that they're puppets made from scratch so they get to look exactly like humans. If Abra-Kadabra had turned a human into a living puppet, they'd look like the ones on the cover. Magic is weird!

The Titans arrive just in time to battle the Teen Titans! It's so exciting! I need to learn to change the color of my font so that I can identify things I write by a color code. Blue would be sincere. Red would be sarcastic. Yellow would mean I pissed myself as I typed it. Purple would mean I'd rather be playing Call of Duty. It would be revolutionary! Also it would be a lot of work. Forget it I even mentioned it.

Oh! I have an invention that I'm just putting out there for whatever entrepreneur wants to make it happen. House slippers with a pump in the sole which sprays a fine mist around the slipper each time you step. They're for keeping cats from getting underfoot!

By the way, "It's so exciting!" would have been red.

Learn how to draw thighs, you hack! Liefeld is better at it than you are!

Shit, you know what? I apologize to Rob Liefeld for bringing him into this. He doesn't deserve to have his art mocked in a general sense when I'm mocking the specifics of Brett Booth's art. I only want to mock Liefeld's art when there's something in front of me well worth mocking. Which is, you know, most of the time I have Rob Liefeld art in front of me.

Dammit! I'm sorry, Rob! That was totally uncalled for. I'll never do it again!

There's an even worse thigh on The Flash a few pages later that makes me nauseated.

I think that's more of a crisis of identity?

Wally defeats Kid Flash by tripping him after Kid Flash does the typical challenge the other speedster to see who's faster. That's a nice moment, Dan. Too bad Brett Booth drew it.

Abra-Kadabra's main goal is to humiliate The Flash, probably just before killing him. I'd recommend just killing him but you can never get through to these super villains. Always so determined to do things their way even if their way is so cliché that it constantly brings them to failure. He learns during the battle that Linda Park is on site and that Wally loves her even though they apparently haven't met yet. Abra-Kadabra's memories are probably Swiss cheesed from all of the Watchmen interference so nothing he thinks he knows really matters. It must be really confusing for a guy from the future to find that the past isn't anything like it was supposed to be. Enh, that's probably to be expected if you're a time traveler. The history books are never that accurate.

The Teen Titans versus the Titans battle continues to rage while Tempest notices Abra-Kadabra (I guess he's just Kadabra, first name Abra) directing things from a nearby rooftop. So he faces him one-on-one while Dick yells, "No! We're a team! Going solo in a team book is always a disaster! Especially when we're on page 19 of 20! Get back!" But Tempest doesn't get back at all! Instead, he gets zapped by Kadabra's wand. Wally gets there just in time to probably save Tempest's life. But Tempest is probably so seriously hurt that he'll probably have to be sidelined for ten or twelve issues. That's really his main role in the Titans comic books!

Teen Titans #22

Finally! They're where they belong!

The Review!
The Teen Titans are slowly becoming a team that works together instead of a junior high school drama full of sex and bickering who sometimes stop having sex and stop bickering to battle one of their parents. Why wasn't Tony Bedard allowed to write the Teen Titans from the beginning? And why couldn't he keep the job for Rebirth? Maybe because I want something different from this team than other fans want? Do people really just want to read about the Titan's swapping partners and feeling heartbroken and love sick while never actually being heroic ever? I wouldn't mind that if the Teen Titans took place in a school for gifted children and they didn't constantly portray themselves as a team of heroes helping to save other young people from trouble. Because then I wouldn't care if they weren't fighting crime? I would totally be into Cassie having lesbian sex dreams about her English teacher. Or Bunker and Garfield starting a band called the Zit Remedy. Or Raven having a baby and wearing her hair gelled up all spikey! Or Tim Drake getting locked in the utility closet and being called a Broomhead, whatever that means! I would love that version of the Teen Titans!

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Red Robin missing. It turns out he was arrested by the Belle Reve Somewhat International (I think?) Police Force! They have jurisdiction over wherever the hell Amanda Waller wants them to. Basically that means if Batman is busy, Amanda can sneak a mission while he's not looking. So her jurisdiction is any place that is currently behind Batman.

The Titans are desperate to find Red Robin because he's the smartest super kid on the planet. Or at least as smart as all the other super kids who are also the smartest. In fact, I think Beast Boy and Bunker are the only teen superheroes who are of average intelligence or below! One of them is definitely below average. I'm not going to say which one because I'd rather have two fandoms arguing against each other than Garfield's fandom sending me hate messages. Um, I mean, uh, whoops!

Hey! Thanks for the confirmation, Gar!

Power Girl's big suggestion was that they turn themselves in because they've broken multiple laws and are huge narcissistic assholes to boot. Cassie thinks maybe Batman will help them because she apparently isn't bright either. Even Garfield knew that was a bad idea and he's dumber than Booster Gold!

Tim is currently in an interview with Amanda Waller. I bet Amanda doesn't want this comic book to end because she's still super skinny. Although she'll probably lose some weight when Jim Lee tries to draw her. I really doubt his ability to draw a person who isn't all muscle.

Apparently Amanda Waller wants the Teen Titans to work for the Suicide Squad. But why would they? They're currently free! They have no reason to work for Amanda! And they won't have any reason until they've been arrested and tried in a court of law and found guilty of being Superboy's friend! Amanda doesn't have to wait for teammates. She has a whole prison of villains who have already been apprehended. And why would she mess with one of Batman's ex-sidekicks? That's just asking for Batman to turn around and fuck up her jurisdiction.

Don't bother looking up those issues of Teen Titans in the editor's note. They're terrible. Just know Amanda is right. At least in Red Robin's case. Not all of the current Teen Titans helped Superboy escape from the law.

Amanda sets off Tim's distress beacon and the Teen Titans, being a bunch of dumb amateurs (except for Power Girl who is a genius amateur), head to Belle Reve to try to break him out of prison. I hope they get their asses beat by the Suicide Squad! I mean, they don't have to win this fight. They just have to prove to Amanda that they aren't the bad guys. They really do mean well and they want to help but they followed some bad advice from their leader. That's probably why he quits and goes back to Bat-school.

Power Girl knows that the defenses at Belle Reve are a bunch of weapons that can only be used against one specific target each. So an anti-magic cannon and an anti-speed crossbow and an anti-flight butterfly net. So she decides that the Titans can confuse the defenders by pretending to be each other! Power Girl pretends to be Raven and she's hit by the anti-magic cannon which does nothing to her! That's when she grows really big and says, "Ha ha, bitches! Wrong weapon!" I guess whoever had the anti-Giganta lawn dart was too stupid to throw it once he saw her growing. I mean, I think if I were in charge of the anti-Giganta lawn dart, I'm fairly certain I'd know exactly when to throw it. But the guy at Belle Reve hesitates and gets stomped by Power Girl. The worst part about this scene is that Red Robin begins gloating. He's all, "You have lots of defenses but what have you got against smarter-than-you? BURN!" Amanda really should have slapped his face at that point.

Waller's guards all get their asses kicked because they're just guards! They're nobodies! Nobody expects them to save the day! I think it's time to call in the Suicide Squad! Or will that only happen on the final page? I was hoping this would be the final issue but it feels like they may be dragging things out for the dramatic Suicide Squad final page reveal.

The Titans do that thing where they endanger everybody but then save everybody from the sudden danger! It's like their Hallmark Card! But it's the perfect card to play because the guards are all, "Fuck you, Amanda! Dese kids is sweet and shit!" And Amanda says something about pesky kids and kicks them all out of her prison. So at least they proved they're good guys to the guards at Belle Reve. Now the Teen Titans just have to prove they're not criminals to the other 99.9998% of the world! Maybe they'll accomplish that next issue.

Titans #1

It's a good thing all of Brett Booth's characters wear spandex because they'd never fit into any jeans off the rack.

The Commentary!
Judging by fan reaction regarding Wally's disappearance from The New 52 Universe, this comic book must be selling millions and millions of copies. If it isn't, DC Comics should just create a gif of Dan Didio shitting on the floor of his office and use that in response to any complaints any DC fan ever has ever again forever. Although why anybody cared about Wally West missing from the DC Universe, I can't imagine. There was plenty of Slash Fiction out there with the added bonus of three or four dick sucking scenes in each story. That's never going to happen in this comic book! Which is probably a good thing because I can't even imagine how Brett Booth would draw a penis.

I guess Dan Abnett was given the task of setting up the next big DC Crossover in this book. Wally West is going to have to figure out who had the idea for The New 52 and knock their teeth out. He'll eventually discover it was The Watchmen but we all know he should really be punching out the teeth of Dan DiDio, Geoff Johns, and Jim Lee. The dick sucking scene will happen before that truth makes it into the comic book.

Oh! It's also possible the editors at DC will find a way to blame the fans for not buying the comic books they claim they want to read. It's probably the main reason DC decided to have the Watchmen be the enemies. Because the readers are the watchers. We are the Watchmen. And it's our fucking fault, apparently!

Before the issue really gets started, Dan Abnett decides to waste a bunch of pages catching up the readers who began with this comic book. So basically those people who wasted money on Rebirth and Titans Rebirth #1 are also losing value on this comic book as the first four pages simply rehash the previous stories we've already read. Oh, Kid Flash also gets a new terrible suit so he can just be called The Flash and everybody can be confused. The suit is mostly terrible because Brett Booth is drawing it. He likes to distract the reader from his inability to draw proportions by drawing crazy lightning around everything.

Suddenly, The Flash is attacked by Doomsday! Oh no wait. That's the Snickers advertisement again. Never mind.

Flash is really just telling the story to Lilith who already knew it because she's psychic. But she needed an extra twenty dollars so she's reading Wally's fortune.

Oh shit! Donna has noticed us watching her! Hide!

Linda Park is currently in Keystone City waiting to be part of a love story that I don't give a shit about. I know, I know! All of the Wally fans are just gunging up their underwear over this crap. Will Linda and Wally get back together?! Will their love be strong enough to stand the test of erased time?! Will Wally slip in the show and penetrate Dick Grayson from behind while Dick's mouth is full of Tempest cock?! Oh, sorry. That's from Wally's life after Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) erased him from existence.

Linda is busy with a blog called Supernews.com. It's actually some kind of usenet service provider or something in our reality. I didn't really use any of my brain when scrolling down the site. I was really hoping for a Linda Park run news blog Easter egg! You could have done at least a little work setting that up, DC. Don't you know that whenever you use an URL in your comic books, you should purchase that fucking domain name? Where's your business savvy! I'm going to go register LindaParkDoesKeystoneCity.com right now!

Linda Park is going to make a name for herself by writing on the Internet! She probably shouldn't even bother. The way to get famous on the Internet is to come up with an idea that has no worth or merit after the initial revelation of that idea, at least not for the creator. Because if you're truly creative, being saddled with the daily job of putting philosophical quotes on top of pop culture images is a fucking chore. But people eat that bullshit right up! How about Peanuts comics with Smiths' lyrics! SO FUCKING GOOD! For, like, the one time I checked it out before I got bored and never fucking returned. But that's the kind of thing Linda Park needs to get over the top! That or a YouTube channel where she gets drunk and plays horseshoes or Minigolf three times a week.

Here we see Iris chasing down a lead! I mean Linda! Whatever. Does it matter?

The Titans are busy sitting around Dick's loft comparing their thighs. They have such massive thighs! I once had massive thighs back when I used to bike the Santa Cruz mountains. But now I have the thighs of a guy who reads a lot of comic books and used to ride a bike in the mountains. They're still fairly impressive but the inner thigh has gone pretty soft and squishy.

Roy has an idea that maybe they should talk to Mammoth about Wally's imagined threat to the universe because Mammoth was wrapped up in that Mister Twister thing that seemed a lot like this current problem. Dick almost chokes on his tongue when he realizes Roy has a good idea. So off some of them go to track down Mammoth while Wally stays behind to keep letting Lilith scrounge inside his head.

Does Roy realize he's not an Outlaw anymore and probably shouldn't be killing people?

I'm pretty sure Roy just killed three people. One probably broke his neck flying out of the crashing truck, one crushed under the tumbling truck, and one stuck by Roy's Lobotomy Arrow. Luckily I know he's probably not into killing anymore so I'm supposed to believe nobody even accidentally died here. Especially the one with the arrow sticking out of his forehead. Anyway, it works! Just before Wonder Girl shows up to break a guy's back with a shove, they get the name Psimon out of one of the bad guys. Now instead of asking people where to find Mammoth so that they can find Mammoth, they need to go rough some people up and ask where to find Psimon so they can find Mammoth! They're so much closer now!

Lilith uses her telepathy on Wally and does such a good job that she reads somebody else's mind inside of his! Then she panics and tells everybody they have to go to Keystone City. Wally's penis is all, "Keystone City! Right on! That's where Linda Park's vagina lives!"

It's possible Lilith's telepathy awoke the memories of Abra Kadabra. Now he's sending children into space instead of beating The Flash using the power of thought! Because nothing is faster than the speed of thought! Except for The Flash. I mean, obviously he's faster than thought! Thought isn't really that fucking fast. I mean, I have to decide what I want to do and then I have to tell my body to do it and then my body has to be directed at the thing I want to do it to. Even if the thought is some kind of psionic attack, I still have to direct it at something. I can't just think, "Blow up The Flash!" Although since those things only exist in comic books, I guess I could think that if the writer wanted me to.

Abra Kadabra declares that he was the guy who made Wally West disappear. But of course he didn't! He's a two-bit villain who can barely earn a living doing magic shows for kids' birthday parties.

The Review!
It's hard to review a comic book when the art is vying to destroy any interest I have in the writing. I like Dan Abnett's characterization of the Titans but I can't stand looking at their goofy faces and their extraordinarily long legs and thick thighs. Why hasn't Brett Booth signed an exclusivity contract with Marvel? Why doesn't Brett Booth go sailing with Scott Lobdell in a boat full of power drills and old sticks of dynamite? Why haven't I invented time travel so I can go back in time and hire a better art teacher for Brett Booth? Or maybe I can go back in time and convince Brett Booth that his art sucks and maybe he'd like to lead Germany? I wonder if that's what happened with Hitler? I wonder if his art was so bad and yet so ubiquitous that somebody decided to go back in time and get him to quit art. Then when he became a fascist dictator and ordered the genocide of thousands, the time traveler looked on his work, shrugged, and thought, "Still worth it." Yes, I'm saying that not having to look at Brett Booth's art might theoretically be worth six million lives.

Teen Titans #20

I still can't see New 52 Raven without thinking, "Is everybody at DC blind and/or stupid?"

The Review!
Tony Bedard swoops in to salvage the mess this comic book has become and build a decent transition into Rebirth. It looks like his job is to lift the Teen Titans out of the super villain pit they've dug themselves into so that they can at least be not quite heroic but at least not lawbreakers by the time they get their Rebirth. Tony Bedard did a lot of work for DC in the early New 52 and I felt most of it was competent and entertaining. He doesn't disappoint even with this disappointment of a comic book. In fact, he actually does the impossible and writes a Teen Titans comic book that didn't cause me to question every one of my life choices up until this moment. Plus he writes Brain and Mallah as a couple although, as usual, it doesn't seem like he got the editorial thumbs-up to outright state that they're in a relationship. Mostly I'd say that's okay because I'm all for subtlety in writing over explicit declarations but in the current popular culture environment where mainstream companies are desperate to get gay viewers by playing games of "Homo or not homo?" with same sex character relationships, I think sometimes an outright labeling is more than appropriate. Editorial allowed a stupid "That's not a pickle jar" caption that really seemed like a dildo joke but they didn't okay a "Lovers" tag for the duo? I was going to say "Gay Lovers" tag because I think that's appropriate but maybe it's a little too confining for a sentient ape in love with a brain in a butt plug.

The Commentary!
Am I allowed to snidely ask an obviously sighted person if they're blind when they're aesthetic tastes are garbage? Probably not, right? But I am allowed to ask an obviously stupid person if they're stupid because nobody believes they're actually stupid even though, statistically speaking, most people are stupid, right? I'm including people of average intelligence in the stupid category because have you ever had a discussion with one of them? So stupid. Obviously I'm highly intelligent! But not in that "Nobody thinks they're stupid" way I meant earlier! I'm intelligent in provable ways! Like how I've...um...uh...well, I mean, I'm not ambitious or anything so my failure at life isn't proof of anything! Don't you dare think I'm stupid!

Because nobody thinks they're stupid, if you ever want to really anger somebody in an argument or a debate, just call them stupid. I can't be responsible for any violence that takes place if you dare to try this. Another way to anger somebody you're arguing with is to use one of the easily available appropriate racial epithets if they're not white (or if they're one of those ethnic whites that have a history of being trod upon, like dagos or micks) or call them a racist if they're just your average, run-of-the-mill whitey. "Racist" is about the only word you can use on whites that's equitable to a racial slur because when have they ever been, as an entire group, in a powerless situation where their humanity has been taken away by a single word (you know, excluding the dagos and the micks!)? But you call a white person racist and just watch their head explode!

Here's an offensive fact: I just now discovered that I'm a dago! I consulted Lord Google for the spelling because I might not mind sounding racist while getting a point across but I certainly don't want to look stupid by spelling something wrong! While doing so, I discovered dago refers to Italian, Spanish, and Portuguese people in the UK! Being American, I thought it was just a derogatory word for Italians. But apparently in UK English, you can catch a whole swath of swarthy foreigners in the net of your racism! Now when somebody calls me a spic, I can say, "I prefer the term 'dago'." Although then they'll just assume I'm Italian so maybe I should just punch them in the face instead.

My mother was fully Spanish although she was second generation born in America so I really only think of myself as Spanish when it comes to my heritage. More correctly, I think of myself as California Spanish. What that means is that I'm born from people who are constantly correcting people who call them Mexican or Portuguese because if there's one thing that my Spanish ancestors brought with them from Spain, it was the haughty attitude to feel better than other Hispanics based on the region from which they were born.

Can you tell I'm not really interested in reading this comic book? I should probably not judge it too harshly before reading it because Tony Bedard has taken over as writer and I remember once praising Bedard (when he was writing Blue Beetle) for being one of the few writers to set up a plot where the super villain actually had a motivation that wasn't his hatred for the hero. Might be this the first Teen Titans comic book ever to have the Teen Titans doing something heroic as opposed to something completely and utterly selfish?!

The issue begins with Lex discovering he's been memed.

The other memes Luthor scrolls down will never become memes because they're aren't clever enough. But I did laugh when, on the next page, Luthor gets his first bit of panel time with the caption: Lex Luthor. Owns Metropolis.

Luthor points out that, like Blue Falcon, he does not take offense at thoughtless words. But he points out that some villains aren't as thick-skinned as he is.

Hit the sirens! Drop the confetti! Comic book history has just been made! The Gorilla/Guerrilla pun has just been used for the millionth time! Hooray!

So apparently there's a new superhero named Metatroll93 and his super power is pissing off super villains! He'd fit right in with the Teen Titans since the only villains they fight are villains gunning for them personally. Oh how I hope Metatroll93 joins the Titans! I would have guessed it was a Titan, like Bunker or Changeling, but my assumption is that the "93" is the birth year which would make Metatroll93 too old to be a Teen Titan.

I think there's a dildo or butt plug joke on the next page:

Speaking to Mallah like he's just some dumb ape diminishes their relationship more effectively than any Internet meme!

Brain and Mallah are definitely in a gay relationship here. It's as overt as editorial probably allowed it to be without actually having a caption that says, "Brain and Monsieur Mallah. Friends and Lovers." The dialogue is only proof that they care about each other. It's the visuals that make it plain they're also in a physical relationship.

Yep. Dildo and/or butt plug.

The Teen Titans are still on the run from the law and I have to give Bedard credit. He could easily have come on board and not mentioned that the Titans have continually broken the law for their own selfish desires making them unlikeable assholes not worth my time. Actually, maybe I shouldn't give him credit at all! He had an opportunity to bridge the gap between The New 52 and Rebirth by doing whatever he wanted with these characters. He could have simply pretended they were heroic the way Marv Wolfman would do month after month without any evidence to back up his claims!

The Titans are running a training exercise where they learn that they're all really poorly trained. Except for Red Robin, of course.

Do tigers breathe fire? I don't get it.

After the Titans learn that anybody trained by Batman is five batrillion-zillion times better than any other hero, I find out why Bedard chose to continue the whole "the Titans are acting like super villains" story arc that all of the other shitty writers on this comic book stuck him with.

See? I have so little ambition, I just wanted Bedard to use a shortcut to fix the Titans. But he's chosen to turn it into an actual story! Kudos!

Let me guess! The Titans will save Metatroll93 from Brain and Mallah which will show Metatroll93 that the Teen Titans really are heroes! Then Metatroll93 will start a new meme which everybody will pick up on expressing how the Titans are heroes. And since the populace of the DC Universe is so fickle and easily manipulated, everybody will agree that the Teen Titans truly are heroic once again! Although were they truly ever? Should I have left out the "once again" bit?

My guess immediately goes off the rails because I forgot to account for New 52 Red Robin's penchant for acting selfish and being a bully. His plan is to confront Metatroll93 and convince him to use his viral powers of propaganda to make the Titans look heroic. Failing that, he and the Teen Titans will shut down Metatroll93's site so that he can't make fun of them any more. I suppose this reasoning at least gets the Teen Titans on site so that they can save Metatroll93 from Brain and Mallah. Which can then dovetail into my prediction nicely. Bedard's version has the added bonus of keeping the Titans in character, no matter how awful that character has become thanks to Pak, Pfeifer, and Lobdell.

The Titans find that Mallah and The Brain have already gotten to Metatroll93 and taken over his brain with Brotherhood of Evil gadgets. I guess they were trying to harness his meme ability for their own uses. They were probably the ones who made the Red Robin meme since it was a bit more clever than most of Metatroll93's memes. Since the Teen Titans are used to getting caught with their pants down (Red Robin's phrasing!), Mallah and The Brain succesfully ambush them and stick a mind-control gadget on the back of Wonder Girl. Now Red Robin has to beat her ass again next issue!