Justice League of America #5

They want you to think Catwoman is in this casket. But I bet Stargirl is!

When this comic book was announced, wasn't it supposed to be a big deal that David Finch was doing it? What did he last? Three issues? Not that I care. Fuck David Finch. He may have won some of you over with his "awesome art" but he hasn't fooled me! If you like to do the arts, Mr. Finch, do the fucking arts. Don't just spend all day making sure the women look good and then put some crosshatching and fish lips on the males and call it good. I'm pretty sure when you were doing The Dark Knight, Mr. Finch, the only part of your drawing you put any effort into was when drawing the White Rabbit. Then you slopped out a Bruce Wayne and an Alfred and a Commissioner Gordon until you could draw the White Rabbit's ass again.

I wonder when the White Rabbit will return? She was such an important part of that first Dark Knight story! Not as important, of course, as Deathstroke loaded up on Venom dropping out of the sky and onto the Batplane to punch Batman in the face for a bit before disappearing from the comic book forever. Jeez, that story was awful.

These humans need to stop being so disrespectful to B'dg. I can't wait until the humans meet a race of aliens whose shit looks exactly like homo-sapiens so that the aliens will keep referring to them as feces.

Baz and B'dg are touring Justice League of America Headquarters when Doctor Light's coin explodes. This causes the Green Lantern's energy to be sucked into Doctor Light's body. Just like in Catwoman #21, it's another person whose random superpower just happens to fit with the person's name! What are the odds that a doctor by the name of Light should suddenly have the power to manipulate light? It's crazy! It's such a crazy coincidence that it can hardly be called a coincidence at all! I see the Will of God in this! Or the Will of Geoff Johns, at the least. Or perhaps just stupid random chance at the very leastest.

I just stole that last paragraph from my Catwoman #21 commentary and changed it slightly. Exactly how I did reports in Junior High and exactly how Scott Lobdell plagiarizes his own scripts!

Over in the most opposite place in the world than ARGUS Headquarters, people are riding Space Mountain. But that has nothing to do with what's going on in THE MANOR which is the super secret headquarters of the super secret society of super secret super villains. Their pale purple leader wants Signalman and Copperhead to prepare Catwoman's corpse for delivery to Batman's Batcave. But Signalman is getting cold feet and, being Signalman, he knows that's a signal for being afraid to continue on the current path he's on. To be fair, most people get cold feet when they think of playing a prank on Batman and this prank is pretty messed up. But Copperhead tells him to HISSSS HISSSS HISSS HISSS. But before they can do as Copperhead suggests, Catwoman's blood begins roiling back into her head and her eyes glow red and she says, "I have heard enough."

What the hell? Is Catwoman really Metamorpho?!

Oh no. It's the shapechanger without a sense of humor.

I wonder if it's difficult to shapechange blood gushing out of a bullet wound to your head? J'onn had me fooled! Although now I feel a bit weird having masturbated to Catwoman being shot in the head last issue. I mean, gross. She was really a guy!

You know, I never promised I'd always make tasteful jokes! Besides, that joke passes muster because the butt of the joke are people who wouldn't have a problem sexualizing a woman being shot in the head but would completely freak out when they found out that the woman wasn't born with female genitalia! It's okay to make those people the butt of a joke on Tumblr, right? Can't we point out the stupidity of even that 0.00004% of the population? Or was I engaging in Fetish Shaming? Maybe I should just keep reading the story instead of pointing out that I'd fuck J'onn J'onzz no matter what shape he was currently in. Mostly because he'd have Oreos. I'll do anything for Oreos.

When and how Martian Manhunter and Catwoman made the switcheroo will be described in this month's back-up story, so don't think I'm just passing up the explanation for it.

And before I continue with the Justice League of America's assault on THE MANOR, I have to wonder why The Secret Society of Super Villains wants to destroy the Justice League? I guess they figure if the Justice League is out of the way, they'll be able to bully the world into doing whatever they want to do. But don't they realize that the Justice League is only composed of nine of Earth's heroes (maybe more or less if my calculator is broken)? They'd still have all the others to contend with? The Pale Purple Man believes that they'll get dozens of recruits based on their destruction of the Justice League, so maybe that's how they figure they'll deal with the other heroes. It just seems kind of stupid. Signalman was right to be worried about "kicking the hornet's nest." If I were a Super Villain, I'd just try to find a nice out of the way city in Canada and rob a bank or two and then go into hiding. I may have even already done that.

Is this The Joker's Daughter mentioned in that stupid Channel 52 that I really shouldn't be reading because it's full of spoilers? Also, I probably shouldn't put any of my thoughts or speculations into the form of a question because invariably some reader thinks I really want to know the answer before I learn the answer by reading the fucking comic book the way you're meant to learn the fucking Goddamn fucking answer. There's a reason I don't read solicits or Comic Book News Blogs or even follow any Tumblr Blogs that are heavily about comic books. Here's a good hint to posting in Disqus: If you want to speculate on things based on the comics that are out, please! Go ahead! If you want to tell me who the character is at the end of Batman Loves Superman #1 because you saw it on DC's website or read it in a solicit, hold your tongue. You're not allowed to speculate once you know through other means.

I know doing this comic book blog is going to cause me to get spoilers from DC fans who are just trying to engage and enjoy the comics as well. I'm not really pissed but I thought I would put it out there as to how I'm reading The New 52 and how I'd like people to respect that aspect of it. What good is reading my stupid speculations if I already know what's going to happen, right? No fun for anybody. Although now that I state it so soundly, I have a feeling I'm going to get people dropping a lot of fucking spoilers just to be jerks funny.

Please don't.

Oh yeah, back to that panel up there! Who's moving THE MANOR? I have no idea. The best I can come up with, and believe me, it isn't any good, is Bolt! Because he teleports! I'm sure it's a magical guy though. Like Doctor Magic. Or Mister Spells. Or Madame Zeroni.

The Shaggy Man is still having trouble with Hawkman but you know Hawkman is about to lose when he asks the stupidest question that is always asked by the current loser of a fight.

"That's the worst you can dish out?"

Is it arrogance that makes them ask that? Because the answer is almost always, "Nope. Got some more here for you." In this case, The Shaggy Man gets some back-up from Ivo's Aquaman, Flash, Cyborg, and Green Lantern robots. But then Stargirl finally shows her soon-to-be-dead face and disables the robots with one swing of her Cosmic Staff. Although for some reason, Hawkman doesn't ask her to disable The Shaggy Man as well. He wants to just keep fighting it, I guess.

The New 52 Shaggy Man must not be as powerful as the Preboot Shaggy Man.

As you can see, Professor Ivo gets taken down by Green Arrow because that's pretty much the only guy in THE MANOR that can be taken out by arrows. Star Girl frees the rest of the gang and then I suddenly know how Star Girl dies! Amanda Waller kills her for disobeying orders!

Fighting in the other room, Catwoman knocks the hat off of the Pale Purple Leader and he's developed male pattern baldness, so it might not be The Joker's Daughter. But he uses an electric joy buzzer to shock the hell out of Catwoman so maybe it is because that's kind of a joke! Although it might also be The Puzzler because his name is a secret and my Who's Who lists The Puzzler's alias as Unknown! J'onn tries to read him as Green Arrow finds out how THE MANOR shifts locales and Stargirl tries to bring down The Shaggy Man. See it all for yourself!

It's a White Martian! Or someone from another Earth, maybe.

The Pale Purple Leader activates Chronos and THE MANOR freezes in time as the Earth rotates under it. And moves through space away from it! I guess that part doesn't happen though for some reason. Only people with a Magic Coin travel with the house, so The Secret Society of Super Villains escape. And nobody seems to be dead to be shoved in the coffin on the cover! Maybe I was right! Amanda Waller IS going to kill Stargirl!

Also, as THE MANOR phases away, The Pale Purple Leader says, "It was good to see you again, J'onn." So yeah. He's maybe a White Martian or he has ties to Stormwatch which I doubt because Stormwatch is all Magentafied right now.

The JLA rescue Chronos who was apparently an agent of ARGUS trying to locate Booster Gold. And they capture Professor Ivo. But Amanda Waller still wants to disband the team. I bet she wants her team filled with heroes whose comic books sell well!

Oh yeah! I forgot Puzzler was an ARGUS Agent! Whoops!

Oh no! Trinity War time!

The issue ends with nobody dying. But Doctor Light is all, "Help me! Oh my God! What happened to my penis?!"

The back-up issue is about Martian Manhunter heading to Earth to get revenge on the creature that killed the Martians with his infected thoughts. It's name is Thoth. Martian Manhunter kills it and it's spirit wanders off to find another body to infect. I guess it found a Pale Purple Man who is obsessed with proving himself to The Joker.

Justice League of America #5 Rating: No change. The cover shows a coffin and nobody dies. Was it supposed to be symbolic of the death of the Justice League of America which Amanda pretended to want to end? Or is it foreshadowing Stargirl's death in Trinity of Sin: Pandora #1? I don't even think Stargirl is going to die! I think it's going to be Steve Trevor.

Aquaman #20

For the 2% of readers that thought this book had too much Aquaman, here's an issue about The Others!

Last issue, Aquaman had to deal with a submarine that had found its way stranded on the shoreline.

The Scavenger is just looking for Twinkies?

Okay, so that might actually be an image from a 1979 advert for Hostess Twinkies. But as you can see, Geoff Johns ripped off the plot for Aquaman #19 from this advertisement! Leave it to Geoff Johns to make a Hostess Twinkies advert into actual continuity. I wonder if he ever made the Fruit Pie loving Triklops into a character in his ten year Green Lantern run?

The first thing I notice is that this issue is called Skinwalker. I just recently made some comments in All-Star Western #19 about how I thought The Lone Ranger was actually about a cowboy and a Native American hunting Skinwalkers every episode which is why he needed a silver bullet. The next thing I notice is that this issue wasn't written by Geoff Johns nor drawn by Paul Pelletier and Sean Parsons. Which means I have to change my tags! DC, you guys are jerks! I am so inconvenienced right now! Instead it was written by John Ostrander! Yay! It's drawn by Manuel Garcia! I have no opinion of this because I'm horrible at remembering what many artists have done so far in The New 52. It's inked by Sandra Hope (did she already drop the "Archer"?), Rob Hunter, Ray McCarthy, and Wayne Faucher. That's a lot of ink! I don't normally list the creative team in the commentary but that's because it's usually correct on the cover which I scan! Stupid DC! Stop being stupid or I'll threaten to stop buying your comic books while never actually intending to stop buying them.

After the Skinwalker confronts some nobody under a moon that can't decide how big to be and a field of fireflies (they aren't stars because they keep changing positions!), the scene moves to The Living Room. That's the name of The Operative's plane and headquarters. I guess it remains in the air flying around the world pissing off governments as it ignores air space boundaries and messages from air traffic controllers.

These vigilantes are all the same! The laws don't apply to their shit that doesn't stink, bitches! Hasn't she heard of the Amber Alert system? "Be on the lookout for a full grown man last seen in flying living room with super hero wearing an "I" on his forehead."

Even though the Living Room is constantly changing positions while flying quickly across the sky, Ya'wara manages to teleport herself and Aquaman and Prisoner of War aboard. So she's better at doing calculations than Cyborg who refused to teleport everybody onto the falling Watchtower? That's what's wrong with computers! They can only do what you tell them to do and have no initiative of their own. I should blame Batman for not giving Cyborg the proper instructions.

This is the part where I scan in a picture of Ya'wara because she's nearly naked. People who are offended by awesome boobs and/or the fact that all the men are fully clothed should look away now.

Anybody want to try guessing whose gaze comics are drawn for?

Aquaman is merely making an appearance to give The Others their mission. They must head to the Arizona desert and retrieve an Atlantean Glove that can punch through "steel, stone, or flesh." That's some technology if it can punch through flesh! Someone call the technology police! "Hello, Technology Police? There's a weapon out there that can pierce human flesh! It's been...what? No, no. I'm not talking about toothpicks. See, it's this glove from...hunh? No, not tacks. Not nails. Or knives. Listen to me! It's this super high technology fist that can...stop laughing at me! I'm serious! You need to hunt it...oh, go fuck yourselves!"

That's pretty much how all of my telephone conversations end anyway. That's why I don't have a cell phone. I'm trying to hold on to the few friends I have left by not talking to them.

Back in Arizona, a girl named Sky lives on the Fort Apache Reservation with her brother the cop and her grandmother the medicine woman. Sky can communicate with the dead who tell her of future things and possibilities. She uses her latest bit of information to meet with The Others when they make an emergency landing in the desert. She boards the plane before any of them can get off and immediately tries to take Kahina's Seal of Clarity. She claims it is her gift and since Kahina was a seer, it looks like Sky is supposed to take her place. Sky also mentions that the new owner of Vostok X's helmet has not come forward yet because he's not ready and still underground. And then Sky is nearly eaten by Ya'wara's jaguars.

Well, according to Ya'wara, they aren't HER jaguars, per se. They're just some wild animals that are hanging out with her for some reason.

"Yeah, Sky. This is Kahina. Tell Ya'wara that I would have totally fucked her if I weren't Islamic and married. And could you also show her how to put on a shirt?"

Sky also tells them that she knows who has the Power Glove and why he has it and how to stop him. So they head off to deal with that and then do that! Yay! Success!

Since I summed up the final fight of the comic book so succinctly (and I think Succinctness is the cleanliness of wit or something), here's one more picture of Ya'Wara's boobs before I rate this comic book.

I bet instead of nipples, Ya'wara has little jaguar mouths on her breasts.

Aquaman #20 Rating: No change. This comic book had some well developed characters (pun!) but none of them were Aquaman. So I can't really rate it as an Aquaman comic book! Maybe next month I'll have more opportunities to make fun of Aquaman.

Vibe #4

How can you be betrayed by somebody whose trust you've never earned in the first place? Punch him in the throat, Batman!

Vibe has begun to get suspicious of A.R.G.U.S. and Agent Gunn and Amanda Waller. I would say it's about time but he's actually come to the realization much quicker than I would have expected. Perhaps he'll run into Batman as he's investigating the Justice League of America. That pronoun was meant to be ambiguous because I think they'll both be investigating the JLA when they end up sneaking backwards into each other in a dark subbasement hallway.

The issue begins with Agent Gunn's wife starting an argument.

Why do so many strong, young black men got to go for these white bitches?

Casey has no idea what he's arguing for. All Casey wants is for Gunn to wear a stupid ring when he's at work. A lousy ring! Casey really wants to risk his life for a tiny, insignificant, minute little point? Casey! Wake the fuck up, dumb dumb! A.R.G.U.S. fucks with super villains heroes! Somebody is eventually going to get pissed and you think you're going to be able to defend the home with your dish soap soft hands? You're in construction, right? Perhaps you should get busy with the fucking coffin.

Meanwhile I forgot that someone in a strange blue and gold costume had infiltrated Vibe's inner sanctum. That's his bedroom. And he's got half a message to deliver to Vibe and by gum he's going to deliver it!

Success!

Meanwhile Gypsy is busy gathering her super hero uniform and helping the homeless and recovering spilled popcorn. She seems like a very sweet interdimensional devil warrior. Too bad A.R.G.U.S. and Vibe are going to hunt her down and bring her to justice! That'll teach her to try to better her life in another dimension without all of the proper paper work. How dare she take jobs from Prime Dimensionalists! Just because she has a good attitude and a hard work ethic doesn't mean she should be allowed to earn Prime Dimensional Currency! Go back where you came from, you shape-shifting Breachie!

Oh, I once wrote a comic book about aliens coming to America! I'm linking to it instead of posting it here because the font probably won't be readable when I reduce it to 620 pixels. But I assure you that I wrote at least half the shit over there at No Apologies! Press! I'm The Red Lizard King in the Editorials section and I also wrote Dwarflover, Superball!, True American History, Quasi-Thinking (which would be a terrific Tumblr site), Sci-fi Tales, Movie Reviews, and co-wrote Reading Rainbow Outtakes, Future Retard, and Crazy Asian Drinks. The majority of Grunion Guy's stories are posted there as well. But enough about the past, eh? Especially when I didn't provide links to each bit. Like anybody is going to do a few clicks worth of work to read any of that old shit. That stuff is ancient history! Over a decade old! Holy fuck I've been writing shit on the internet for a Goddamn long time.

I really like the first one didn't take line. It just says so much about Gunn's life in such a minimal amount of space. Beautifully subtle, really. In that way that isn't too subtle so that only a few readers get it. It's there for everyone but it doesn't bash anybody over the head with a long explication of his time trying to pass. Plus it leaves us with the knowledge that he has a, probably interesting, story to tell.

So Vibe is off to find Gypsy now. I really don't think those two should work together ever again. I mean, Vibe is already working with Martian Manhunter! Now you're going to throw Gypsy in the mix? What next? Steel and Vixen? Disaster!

The crowd is restless and obviously anti-American the way they keep screaming about how they have rights and shit. Don't they realize the government is just trying to keep them safe by keeping them confined? Sheesh! You want to live until your liver gives out, right people? Then give up your stupid freedoms already so that you can feel safer! Geez. Trouble makers.

Vibe gives chase to Gypsy until he's kicked in the face by Batman. Uh oh! I think the Justice League may have gotten wind of Amanda Waller's stupid plan to kill them.

Except Batman is really Gypsy! Oh man! She's so tricky! But shouldn't she get a new name? I mean, really? Gypsy? Isn't that a little derogatory? Why not Spic? Or Kike? Or Nigger? Or Cunt? Or Honky? Or...man. Honky! Why can't we think up a good derogatory slang word for white men? You know why? Because they've usually been raised in a culture that teaches them they have all the power and everybody else is inferior. So there's no real stigma attached to the word. Unless you're someone like my high school friend Soy Rakelson who was constantly upset when white men were the butt of jokes or the punching bags in essays. He'd flip out and wonder why that wasn't discrimination or why people weren't protesting that piece of writing. Man. He had issues. Oh! I think calling white people racist is the best derogatory term you can come up with. Especially if they aren't! Boy, they turn red and sputter and go into a death spiral of verbiage as they try to defend themselves against the claim. The Honky half of me doesn't give a shit about being called anything but the Spic half of me will fucking gut you if you degrade my Spanish ancestors! And let's not even get into sexual orientation! Heterosexual with Continuous Bouts of Narcissistic Self-Love and College Experimental Tendencies.

I bet the name "Gypsy" was simply less offensive than everything I wrote after bringing that up! For the record, I think football teams with Native American mascots are bullshit. Fuck everyone who thinks that's okay.

Looks like Vibe isn't going to be in the JLA for very long.

By collapsing the ceiling on A.R.G.U.S., Vibe gets a moment to speak privately to Gypsy. He discovers that she was left behind as her tribe moved through this dimension and she simply wants to find a way home to her family. Vibe believes her because she's a pretty girl.

Agent Gunn is getting to know Vibe and he realizes Vibe probably just needs to be talked to about Gypsy and what letting her go could mean. But Amanda is a cold-hearted bitch that wants things done her way no matter what may be wrong or right. Fuck reality. Amanda Waller writes reality, bitches. So she calls up her other team to take care of this mess and capture Vibe and Gypsy alive.

This may be my favorite moment with the Suicide Squad so far in the entire New 52!

Vibe #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic is fun and interesting and I like where things are headed. I apologize to Sterling Gates for continuously calling him a crappy writer. Obviously he was merely writing down to Rob Liefeld's artistic level. Man, that's the worst apology in the world because now I need to apologize to Rob Liefeld too! Fuck that! Once he (or someone in his camp) claimed he was basically as important as Jack Kirby to the world of comics, I was done with him. Just because you created a lot of characters that were exactly alike with no personality whatsoever and all had names like Blooddeath and Deathspew and Killalot and Deathkill and Bloodflow and Deadborn and Smashkill, it doesn't mean you were an amazing creator. And just because you created a character like Deadpool, it doesn't mean you "created" the character! You made a shitty character that other people turned into a hilarious anti-hero. It's kind of like Giffen creating Lobo. The potential may have been there but not until Alan Grant got his grubby little mind on him did the character turn into something hilarious and fantastic. Of course he became an overused punching bag soon after that, but that doesn't erase the peak of his career.

Anyway, what I was trying to say was this: I'm sorry for putting down your writing so often, Mr. Gates. I'm very much enjoying Vibe and it's apparent you know what you're doing. Congratulations!

Justice League of America #3

That's not the real Catwoman. She knows how to work a zipper. Or maybe she doesn't? Why is the pull tab on the zipper down at the bottom? I guess it opens from the belly button up in case somebody needs to do some emergency belly shots off of Selina's stomach.

This cover is a Who's Who of the worst comic books of The New 52! Granted, Green Arrow is finally being written to character. But before that, he was just another one of Ann Nocenti's failures. Three of Ann Nocenti's characters are on the cover! I wish she'd write Hawkman as well.

Also, I thought Green Arrow didn't make the cut? Is he going to just keep showing up until everybody believes he's a member? Perhaps this takes place after he proves himself by taking down Komodo and having a slumber party in the desert with Magus.

I was going to scan Green Arrow pouting in the locker room and declaring that he was going to make a major comeback after being down and out for a year and a half but then I saw Stargirl's public service announcement which set off one of my pet peeves.

Look, colorist Sonia Oback, I don't give a fuck if you burn it, wave it, or wipe your ass with it. But how fucking hard is it to find a photo reference of the American flag so you can get the fucking color scheme right? Jesus H. Lincoln.

I would have loved to blame David Finch for the above mistake because I'm a complete asshole that likes to twist the knife when I've got a fish wriggling on the hook over the fire with a gun to its head. But I'm pretty sure it's the colorist that reversed the red and white stripes on the flag. I should also blame editors Kate Stewart and Brian Cunningham for not catching this mistake although their jobs might not have anything to do with the art and are merely story editors. Anyway, you would think this is a mistake that DC would try desperately to avoid since now I think they hate America.

That panel is reprinted as a poster on the wall of Star Girl's room on the next page and it's even more fucked up! Now I KNOW DC hates America!

Amanda Waller has a brief meeting just to make sure that Stargirl despises and mistrusts her.

What a great leader!

Amanda Waller used to be a tough son of a bitch that got things done in the Preboot universe. Sure, people were intimidated by her. But she needed to be tough and intimidating to get things done. Now she's just a conniving, manipulative jerk. To be fair, I wasn't reading stories with Amanda once she began working for President Luthor. So maybe she became just as big an asshole as Maxwell Lord at some point. I mainly followed her with the Suicide Squad where her lying and manipulation wasn't so bad because it was to murderous criminals (mostly). Sometimes she was a jerk to Bronze Tiger when she didn't need to be. But now she just seems to lie for the sake of lying. She's incapable of doing anything without using threats and intimidation. Overall, she's simply unlikable. Not that she has to be a likable character! But I liked her better when I liked her.

Besides, the threatening someone's father with jail time to get them to do what you want is already being done by Mister Bones over in Batwoman. Come up with your own threats, Waller!

Getting back to the heroes that are actually on the team to do heroics and not simply to look cute and innocent with a smile full of braces and some trite speeches that can be boiled down to "Yay America and God!", Steve Trevor's first order of business when the team is ambushed by Professor Ivo's robots is to fuck up Wonder Woman's secret identity.

Sure, he only says her first name. But Hawkman shouldn't even know that. And now that Clark Kent is publicly dating Diana Prince in Superman, everybody needs to be extra cautious about blowing secret identities. Plus Ivo is probably recording anything the robots see and hear so now he's got a lead on Wonder Woman's secret identity name.

I know Wonder Woman hasn't really been too concerned about a secret identity. And it's possible that the media already know her as Diana. But suppose that's true? Then Clark Kent is being super stupid by dating her! Putting her hair in a pony tail and throwing glasses on her isn't going to make people suddenly forget that Diana Prince is Wonder Woman. Oh! And I think everyone DOES know Diana Prince as Wonder Woman, so Steve Trevor really didn't make a mistake here. The reason I think that is because I just remembered something from Superman #19 that confused me at the time. Jimmy Olsen calls Diana Prince "Princess" and she corrects him and says that she's not a princess and that people often make that mistake. So everybody knows Clark Kent is dating Wonder Woman! Which means Clark is being just as careless about his secret identity as Bruce is being with his by connecting Batman Incorporated with Bruce Wayne. Eventually Wonder Woman and Superman are going to kiss in public and Lois Lane is FINALLY going to make the connection. And do you think she's going to keep that story from headlining the next Daily Planet paper? Fuck that! Time for a Special Edition!

After Vibe yells at Wonder Woman instead of helping Trevor with his super powers, he yells, "It's gas!", when Batman sets off a gas bomb. This kid is being extremely helpful! So fucking glad he's back on the team! Hawkman isn't being any more helpful. He doesn't even warn everybody about the gas! And Martian Manhunter is currently being pummeled by a tree wielded by Superman. The first mission isn't going too well. Perhaps if Green Arrow were here!

Ha ha ha! Oh man. I crack myself up.

Forget Green Arrow! It's Katana and the voice in her head that ninja jumps in to save the day!

"Diana! Why are there so many cross-hatches on my face while your skin remains so clear and supple?!"

Doing Arts by David Finch
Chapter Five: How to Make Men Look Different From Women

"Light women's faces nicely. Do not use shading. Put lots of cross-hatching on men's faces. Make them look dirty and in shadow even if they are standing right next to the woman in perfect light. Also put boobs on the womens."

After Katana cuts off Wonder Woman's head and everybody sees the wires and sparks, Martian Manhunter explains to the rest of the group that these beings are not human. Vibe ends up shaking them into pieces and the fight is over. Although Katana wants to keep it going by slitting Catwoman's throat simply because her voice said it didn't trust Catwoman. But that easily resolves itself with a Martian Manhunter mindscan and the team is ready to continue their trek through the forest. But they don't find much of anything.

Since they couldn't find the lair of the Secret Society of Super-villains, Steve Trevor comes up with another plan. The plan is for Catwoman to get the Society's attention so that they'll hire her and she can become a double agent. Unless she decides to be a triple agent. Which is just a confusing way of saying a single agent. Unless there's more to it. Anyway, the plan is to have her get caught trying to steal an artifact from a museum.

If her plan is to get caught, why even bother stealing the necklace? Unless she has some secret hiding place she can stow it. And she just mentioned in a previous page that her uniform doesn't have pockets. So that doesn't leave her anywhere to...oh. Eww.

The Justice League of America arrives to "capture" Catwoman but she, of course, decides to play a little...well, I'm sure there's an analogy that fits this situation that I just can't come up with. The JLA give chase when suddenly Green Arrow arrives to bring everybody down. But Hawkman has a solution to this problem.

I should raise The Savage Hawkman's rank just for this!

Catwoman decides to stop playing around so she doesn't get a right hook from Hawkman too. And Green Arrow decides to use some Amanda Waller's tactics on Steve Trevor to earn a place on the team. He won't tell anyone that Catwoman is working for them if he's allowed on the roster. I guess when your main skills are shooting sticks and getting your ass kicked by little girls, you sometimes need to resort to desperate measures to get an invite to a super team.

Once Catwoman is caught, she's thrown in Arkham Asylum where Catwoman #19 takes place. So now I can read that next! After Catwoman #19, Catwoman escapes only to be captured by Signal Man and Blockbuster. She finds herself strapped to the same chair The Scarecrow was strapped to at the beginning of last issue. It looks like the plan worked! She's infiltrated the Secret Society of Super-villains!

The back-up story is written by Matt Kindt. On my scale of storytelling that goes from Scott Lobdell to Competent Writer, Matt Kindt falls close to the Competent Writer side of the scale. I haven't filled out the scale since I just made it up but it will probably have 100 places. I'm only familiar with Kindt because of his work on Frankenstein and the only good story in Men of War (a back-up story). This story is about Martian Manhunter and will hopefully discuss his love of Oreos.

Except it only pretends to be about Martian Manhunter by labeling it "Martian Manhunter". It's really about Martian Manhunter's assessment of Catwoman. He likes her.

But then it's also about her assessment of J'onn. I guess she gets some psychic backlash when he does the mind probe on her. Or perhaps he gives a little of himself due to the guilt of stealing their memories. Catwoman sees J'onn in another time and place while he's hunting. She feels bonded to him, closer. And she also believes he doesn't know she's getting some of his memories. Maybe he unconsciously gives some of them since you would think he would know how his mind probe worked. I'm sure he's done it and had it done to him by other Martians. Anyway, they both feel a bit closer to each other after the mind probe.

Come on, Selina! That's unfair. You just witnessed a totally alien culture. You can't judge it by human standards.

Justice League of America #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's too bad that bits like this back-up story can't fit into most mainstream titles with their twenty page limits. I guess it could but not in an ensemble cast like this book has. So the extra dollar was worth it this time. That's really how I should judge these $3.99 comics with back-up stories. I should keep track of how many are just there to steal my extra dollar and how many are worth it. Although if I started judging comics like that, then DC would owe me refunds on nearly all of the Teen Titans and Superboy comics put out so far.