Batman: The Dark Knight #29

Seventy-five years ago, bats were the scariest thing in the world.

For those readers that don't know who Batman is, I went on Wikipedia and did a little research. It turns out he's just a normal human man with no super powers at all! His parents were killed when he was a little boy, so he sat around his house for years while his butler did everything for him. He pouted and cried a little bit and had fantasies about getting revenge on all criminals everywhere. But how would he go about doing that? How do you scare the violent and the lawless?! Then a bat flew through his window and he screamed his head off and shat himself and covered his head because if he had learned only two things in 1939, it was to duck and cover if a nuclear bomb hit, and to cover and jump around if a bat flew in the window. No wait. Maybe he didn't learn about bombs yet. I think he was just learning about Nazis and the American way of dealing with Nazis at the time was to go shopping and shrug your shoulders and say, "Enh. That's not my problem!" After he remembered he didn't know what a nuclear bomb was, he said, "Aha! Alfred! Come change me! I have an idea!" And that idea was to become a bat because the only thing scarier than a bat is a grown ass man in a bat costume!

At least that was true in 1939 America. If American Bruce Wayne had to become the scariest thing he could think of today, a faceless man with chainsaws for arms and tentacles flailing about from the back of his head would have to crash through his window. The man would probably have goat legs as well and a choir of prepubescent children would be chanting as if from every corner of the room. And the man would have to be a demon ghost brought into the world through blasphemy and dealings with the Christian Devil. That would probably scare audiences pretty good today. But just imagine what Batman of Japan would become?! Instead of Batman, he'd be Walks Stiffly and Awkwardly Young Pale Girl With Stringy Hair and Solid Black Eyes Lurking In The Corner Of The Room Or Is She? Man. That might be too scary for the local police to get behind. If they had to shine that Signal into the sky to get his attention, everybody in the city would go insane.

Now that you know Batman's history, let me tell you about Man-Bat's history. I don't know it and I'm not going to bother looking it up because my guess about his origin is probably fairly accurate. Somebody thought, "If a man in a bat costume is super scary to criminals, what about a man that is a bat that is not in costume!?" And then that somebody thought, "Shit! I should have said that at the head of a conference table in a meeting with lots of DC Executives!" But that somebody was only six because what a stupid idea, right? Just because DC decided to run with it doesn't make the idea not stupid! Besides, if you look at lots of ideas from last century, you'll see people didn't really know what they were doing. So a lot of people made a mistake and created a character that has stuck around for decades because it's a monster version of Batman even though Batman is quite the monster himself. I think when Man-Bat was invented, Batman wasn't quite a monster yet. I think Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns was actually supposed to be about Man-Bat but somebody fucked up the name when the issue went to print.

Now you're all smarted up and ready to enjoy Batman: The Dark Knight featuring Man-Bat the Knight Dark!

Last issue ended with a tension filled cliffhanger! Batman had just been thrown off of a building by Daddy-Man-Bat! OH NO! He is surely dead because one of the things Batman can't do is fly. You would think he would have made that an essential part of his costume, right? It's like somebody choosing the name of a bird, say a canary, and not being able to fly. What the fuck is up with that?! Also, I've never heard a canary sing and had my head blow up. So that's a pretty stupid name to choose. If I were Black Canary, I would have chosen the name Weaponized Voice Woman. But this isn't that crappy comic book Birds of Prey, so I should probably get back to how Batman is going to fall to his death. If only he had a thing on his utility belt that could grapple stuff and was also bat themed?!

You drama king! As if you haven't saved your life this way a dozenty zillion times!

Later back at the Batcave, Alfred teases Batman. That butler is getting way too familiar! The last thing Batman needs is the help getting uppity and thinking he can say anything he wants to him. I don't know how he hasn't gotten fired yet. He also was supposed to be watching Batman's son a while back and he failed to do that which resulted in Batman's son dying. And he still has a job! He must have some sketchy information on Bruce Wayne in a locker down at the Greyhound terminal ready to be released if he ever mysteriously disappears or winds up dead.

Batman learns that the Gotham Police need evidence to arrest rich white people, so he goes to have a conversation with Daddy-Man-Bat's human alias, Abe Langstrom.

Is Batman's secret identity Tom Joad?

Abe Langstrom flaunts his Man-Battedness in Batman's face during the discussion. It's as if he believes Batman is bound by the same laws that bind and control and manipulate and oppress the rest of us. It's as if he doesn't realize that he's a murderer talking to a crazy guy in a cape that really, really hates murderers. It's like he doesn't even care if he winds up in a coma tonight! For some reason, Batman just decides to act threatening. I think he doesn't kick the crap out of Abe for the same reason leaders of countries agree not to send ninja assassins after each other. Because it sets a bad precedent that can only wind up backfiring all over your face, bukake style. You know, if the penises were guns and the semens were bullets. Bruce Wayne doesn't want large costumed men coming into his office thinking they can do whatever the hell they want to him just because he's raping the resources of the city and oppressing a large section of the Gotham populace with his thousands of minimum wage jobs he's providing that they had better thank him for.

Does that apology come with a paycheck? Dick.

So Batman makes the choice to wear a getup which keeps him from entering a building normally and that's supposed to be a good enough excuse for crashing through windows and skylights and weak-ass Gotham City walls? Kirk is too polite to say this, Batman, so I will: fuck your mother.

Later that night, Daddy-Man-Bat hits the street looking for a quick homeless meal. But Batman knows where he's going to be because he's the World's Greatest Detective. That was pointed out earlier in that scan I did where Abe mocked Batman about being an awesome detective while Batman had already proven he was an awesome detective. Maybe that's why Batman didn't punch him in the face. Because Batman was smirking so hard under the cowl at the compliment that was meant to be an insult but really was a compliment on accident.

So Batman gets in his homeless man costume. It's one of his favorites which is why anybody that's been reading Batman for the last 75 years instantly recognizes him. Batman's plan is to be Daddy-Man-Bat's next victim. It's not because Batman has given up! Batman has injected himself with the serum to cure Man-Bat-itis. So when Man-Bat drinks Batman's blood, Man-bat becomes Just-a-Man. Then Batman can see him transform back into Abe and yell, "Aha! Evidence! Now Gordon can arrest you!" And Abe will say, "Whatever! I'm going to hire those lawyers that allowed the incestual rapist billionaire to go free! And there's nothing you can do to stop me because Harvey Dent is dead!"

Batman nearly dies from blood loss. He probably should have used a stronger serum. Or just placed packets of the serum on his chest between his outer armor and five layers of inner armor. Except that would be too smart and might possibly not work. What if Daddy-Man-Bat could tell he wasn't sucking directly out of Batman's innards?! It's not like Batman has technology at his disposal that could fake up something like that in a few hours. I suppose the main reason Batman wanted to almost die is because Batman wants to not really live. But Batman doesn't know that consciously! That would make him realize just how insane he actually is.

"This is Gotham PD. We have an old man tied up at a homeless shelter. Seems he was attacked by the Batman. Send paramedics so we can get this poor guy some help."

Later in a court of law, Justice is bent over and raped in the ass. Just another average day in the life of our legal system. And another average day in the life of a narcissistic asshole with loads of money as he freely walks away from his horrible crimes.

Batman: The Dark Knight #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. I almost gave this a +2 Ranking for portraying Corporate CEOs more accurately than they're normally portrayed. But then I remembered Man-Bat was in this issue, and I couldn't give it more than a +1.

Batman: The Dark Knight #28

Oh. So we're really not done with Man-Bat stories yet?

Man-bat must really speak to writers. Do they see the name and think, "Whoa! That's like Batman in reverse! I bet I can write a story that compares Man-Bat's twisted sense of right and wrong with Batman's sense of right and wrong which will cause the reader to question how the two character's methods are really any different! Is Batman really a caring guy or is he, like Man-Bat, simply a monster of the night? Or this could wind up being a love story. I hope, at the very least, Batman acknowledges how stupid the character of Man-Bat is. I bet Alfred will make some kind of cutting remark that sounds like he's making fun of Man-Bat but he's secretly criticizing his boss! That will be so funny that I am laughing about it already.

Once again, Gotham's streets are littered with dead people drained of blood with bat teeth marks all over them. The first person Batman questions is Dr. Kirk Langstrom because that idiot created this formula that is causing dozens of people to lose their fight against sudden non-existence.

As usual, Batman causes hundreds of dollars in damage to an innocent person's home and doesn't give a fuck. You don't stay rich by squandering the money you inherited! You have to invest it in window repair services and then go around the city breaking every window you can.

If I were Lois Lane, I'd head to Gotham to uncover the secret identity of The Batman. And the way to do it would be to follow the money! Batman breaks dozens of windows every night. Who is repairing those windows? Who is making money off of all of this vandalism? She'll discover the parent company of the window repair company with all of the contracts is Wayne Enterprises. And just like that, she'll have her answer! If she needs any proof, all she has to notice is that Bruce Wayne used to have a son that disappeared right about the time Robin died. Also he once had a ward that disappeared right around the time another Robin died. Also he had two other wards and Batman had at least one other sidekick since his sidekicks went "Robin, Red Robin, Robin." She could probably also seduce him and then search Wayne Manor once he passes out from the way she rocks his world.

The last two issues had no words but Gregg Hurwitz is making up for it on page three due to Kirk Langstrom's father's Narration Boxes. There's no room for art! It's just "blah blah blah capitalism at all cost blah blah blah." He believes he's bought up all the Man-Bat serum in the world so he can control and sell it. But does he realize that the League of Assassins has a Man-Bat army at their disposal?

It turns out Langstrom's father is using the serum for himself because he's a corporate bigwig psychopath. He figures he can get away with whatever he wants. So why not fly around Gotham murdering people at night? Who's going to stop him?

I don't call myself Master Comic Book Reader of the West Wind for kicks! Although I'm not a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader of Flowers because while I nailed the reasons for another stupid Man-Bat comic book, I really didn't expect Alfred to take the enemy seriously. The most unnerving? Bah! Alfred, you puss.

The Bat-Computer once again does all the work for Batman and they realize that Kirk's father is the new Man-Bat. Maybe Bruce can defeat him without Batman's help by just crushing his pharmaceutical company!

Guess what? Bruce learns from Lucius that Patriarch Biopharmaceuticals is the exact opposite of Wayne Enterprises! And Abraham Langstrom was the exact opposite of Thomas Wayne! And Man-Bat is the exact opposite of exciting! Hopefully Bruce realizes he now needs to bankrupt Langstrom. This is not a job for Batman at all! That opposite fight has been seen one too many times during this Reboot. I'm ready for a court battle between two huge corporations that winds up bankrupting them both as both CEOs play a game of chicken with the other's bank account.

Every time there is a shot of Gotham's skyscrapers, I check the window lights for a message. Finally somebody comes through! Thanks, Van Sciver (or Hi-Fi) for the names and the Batman symbol.

It turns out Langstrom's dad hates his son because he's a weak nerdy nerd that loves playing Pokemon in the mall with thirteen year olds. But he loved Bruce Wayne because that kid was scoring with chicks at six years old. And being that everything about Batman and Man-Bat has to be opposite day, that means Thomas Wayne hated his son Bruce and loved Kirk Langstrom! Hopefully Bruce doesn't make that connection and cry his stupid eyes out.

Actually I hope he does so I can laugh at him and call him a baby.

Later, Alfred mentions that Langstrom and Bruce are a lot alike but that Langstrom lacks a moral compass. I'm going to level up my Master Comic Book Reader status for that although you're going to have to trust me on this one. In my opening paragraph, I had a long bit about how Man-Bat and Batman were different but opposite. So Man-Bat would have twisted ethics and morals which would shine light on Batman's moral compass. But then I thought it sounded stupid and deleted it. I guess it wasn't stupid because Alfred, yet again, pretty much states everything I deleted! Now I'm kicking myself! I never delete stuff I type! I always just comment on how I thought about deleting it! What a dumb dumb!

Batman gets his anti-Man-Bat Antidote loaded and heads out to take out Daddy-Man-Bat. But when he finally gets a chance to dose him, the needle breaks. And Batman falls from a great height. Again. How many New 52 comic books have ended with somebody falling from a great height?! As if Batman isn't going to Bat-grapple himself to safety. Or the Batplane isn't going to catch him. Or he isn't going to pull Boots of Levitation out of his Utility Belt.

Batman: The Dark Knight #28 Rating: No change. It starred Daddy-Man-Bat! That is not in any way better than Man-Bat. They are both horrible. Although I leveled up my Master Comic Book Reader Class a couple of times! I don't know what my rank is. I'll have to check later. Master Comic Book Reader of the East or South Wind. One of those!

Batman: The Dark Knight #27

"Shut up, lady! This story is called 'Voiceless!'"

Last issue ended with The Penguin's men capturing Batman and locking him away in a cage without killing him. What the fuck is wrong with you, The Penguin?! You should fucking know better. Maybe he's trusting that Batman doesn't know that The Penguin is behind it all and when Batman ruins his plans, The Penguin can shrug his shoulders and mime something that means "You can't touch me, Batman!"

Actually, this issue is called "Angel of Darkness" but I have a feeling everybody will continue to have nothing to say. Batman lets his Batarangs and Explosions speak for himself anyway.

Once Batman breaks free, he causes an explosion in the hangar he'd been kept in to act as a distraction as he gets away. But the explosion sends The Penguin's men flying all over the place, probably burned and covered in shrapnel if not actually dead. I wonder if Batman's policy on killing only applies if he can see the person injured. He does blow an awful lot of shit up. Maybe because he knows how to survive explosions, he expects everybody else to also know the secret. And if they don't, it's their own fault for being killed in an explosion The Batman set off and not The Batman's fault at all. AT. ALL. I don't think you heard me. NOT THE BATMAN'S FAULT. EVER.

This is what Batman does with all the thugs caught in the explosion.

Judging by that last scan, I think I have to add a few more addendums to the the Not Batman's Fault Rule. If anybody seriously injured by Batman's explosion later dies after Batman moved them and shoved them into a confined space, it is not Batman's fault. If Batman ties up a criminal and leaves him for the police but the police do not get there before some of them die from starvation or thirst or previously sustained injuries caused by The Batman, it is not The Batman's fault but the fault of the Gotham Police and their slow response time. If anybody dies at any time due to actions stemming from The Batman's involvement, the actual fault is that of the person that got the attention of Batman due to their criminal shenanigans. Therefore if any of these people die, it is The Penguin's fault. Or maybe just their own fault for participating in illegal activities.

"Why are you stabbing yourself? Stop stabbing yourself!" Obviously not Batman's fault.

Batman breaks up a bunch of The Penguin's Holiday Sweat Shops much to the consternation of Jim Gordon who is going to have tons of paperwork now. Also upset? The Penguin! Because now how is he going to make all his Holiday Sex Slave Cash?

It doesn't really matter anyway because The Batman captures The Penguin and puts him away. Now The Penguin is going to have to spend what little Holiday Cash he made on Holiday Lawyers.

But the real losers are the Mexican mother who winds up having to take a minimum wage job working as a secretary for Wayne Enterprises while Wayne Enterprises exploits her to show how caring they are and how their ability to create jobs makes good citizens of all of the refugees to America's Shores. Also, Batman decides to terrify the woman's daughter every night because he can. He's The Goddamned Batman!

He's also a creepy motherfucker.

Batman: The Dark Knight #27 Rating: No change. I like these comic books without any words because I can read them quickly!

Detective Comics #27

This is a big comic book! It must have thousands of jokes inside of it!

This issue of Batman: Detective Comics contains seven jokes. We will begin by reading the first joke. It is called "The Case of the Chemical Syndicate." That does not sound particularly funny. It sounds like a mystery! Some mysteries are funny though! Like the one called Murder By Death. That one is very funny. At least it was very funny when I was twelve years old. Perhaps it is not as funny now as it was then.

The joke begins with Batman interviewing himself. The first question that Batman asks Batman is, "Why do I do this?" He has a very funny answer for this question! He does it so that nobody else has to witness their parents shot down in cold blood in a moonlit alley full of rats and garbage. That is not the funny part. This is the funny part:

Ah! But you would not do it as well, would you?

Perhaps Bruce would be just as good a Batman if he were poor as if he were rich. Did he not travel the world learning everything he could learn without touching any of his family money? Sure, he always knew he could pick up the phone and Alfred would arrive to save the day with a pocket full of cash and some Toblerone. And it was probably easier to learn how to defeat hundreds of opponents in the pit of death without killing any of them when you knew you had a really big house with a super comfy bed waiting for you at the end of it. I think without money, Bruce would still have been a good Batman. But without his good looks and his charms (by charms I mean succulent penis)? That's a wholly different matter. How would he have learned secret assassination and poisoning skills if he had not been able to seduce all of the top women assassins in the world? He would not have learned them! He would have been arrested for sexual harassment.

Batman continues to answer his own question because he cannot get enough of hearing himself speak.

That is a stereotype and probably racist to boot.

Batman faces a lot of criminals that are not cowardly nor are they superstitious either. Or neither maybe. Perhaps that is why Gotham seems to be so full of lunatics. It is because the regular criminals have been scared out of town by the rumors of a crazed man that roams the night breaking people's bones. Batman believes they are scared of his bat-like appearance. But the thing they are really terrified of are the medical bills.

Batman finds himself on a case hunting down some guy killing partners of the A.C.E. Chemical business. But the two partners that are left get their speech balloons mixed up halfway through their conversation and it's really fucking confusing. Hopefully Batman is smart enough to straighten things out right after he crashes through another skylight.

Perhaps Batman will also find out who stole some of his Narration Box Bat Symbols and decided to give those answers I've been scanning in because the next one Batman says is, "I do it because it secretly thrills me." That doesn't sound like something Batman would admit to! Also, Batman's Narration Boxes have been in dark grey and have not been funny at all. The yellowish Narration Boxes have been full of jokes so they could not be by Batman. Not one of them. Perhaps they are by somebody that goes by the name Mr. Jokes?

See? The Gray Boxes are not funny at all. The other box is kind of funny. If you think about it and somebody explains the joke to you later.

Batman saves the innocent guy and doesn't let the guilty guy get away so I guess it wasn't a very tough choice after all. Batman kicks the guilty guy into a vat of chemicals and completes his crazy journal entry. It is his first entry in his Bat-Diary so I guess that is why it is so funny. This was before Batman remembered he was not supposed to have a sense of humor. But he would learn that it is nothing to laugh about. I don't know what "it" is but believe me, it is not funny. Not at all. But the guilty man that later climbs out of the chemical vat thinks it is funny! He thinks everything is funny! Ha ha! It is all a big laugh! Life! The universe! The chaotic randomness of existence! Oh ha ha! You can only laugh at such things!

Also, this story makes no sense because it is not The New 52 Joker's origin at all! Not even close! It is an old origin of The Joker! This is a story from another world and another time! It is from Preboot Earth! No, no! It is from Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth! It is a big fat lie! That must be why they got a writer that looks like Lex Luthor to pen this story! So that nobody would believe it. They would read it and say, "Is this a true joke?" And they would look at the guy who wrote it and they would laugh. They would say, "Ha ha! I get it! Lex Luthor is a liar!" And then they would read the next joke in the book which is called "Old School."

You can tell the next story is also a Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth because it is full of Ben-Day Dots and the criminals are carrying bags with dollar signs on them. Since Jim Lee and Roger Liefeld and Kirk McFarland showed everybody how to scribble lines all over everything, most comic book artists have given up using Ben-Day Dots. And banks have not given out cash in bags with dollar signs on them since the early sixties.

Robin is distracting the criminals with his sexy cheesecake pose.

After the criminals manage to outrun Batman and Robin, Robin learns that Batman films everything that happens with a tiny camera on his belt. Oh ho! Robin sighs a sigh of relief that the internet has not yet been invented yet or else Batman might post some inappropriate videos of Robin changing into his costume. Not to mention other things that I won't mention because the law frowns on pedophilia fan-fiction and I am not interested in writing any of that anyway even if I was going to say, "Ha ha! It was all a big joke!" afterward. I would feel like a criminal myself if I described Robin's throbbing boy member and what Batman would like to do with it. Besides, Batman and Robin's friendship is entirely platonic and I would not like to join the camp of people who think otherwise because they are gigantic jerks sullying the reputation of two great heroes.

I have more clues that this story is from the Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth if you needed any more! Batman's camera is not digital at all! And he does not have a Bat-Computer to do his work for him! Instead, he must call Commissioner Gordon and have him do the research! Also Batman gets called "mack" and that is a bad word from the olden days that nobody uses anymore. Even The Penguin happens along to point out that Batman and Robin need to update their schtick because they keep telegraphing their moves by speaking them!

But then the Scarecrow comes along and says, "I can read your thought bubbles, you jerks!" So that is what this story is all about! It is the origin of the Narration Boxes! I hate this story. This is not a funny story at all. It is a bad story! It is a very bad story!

Eventually Batman wakes up because it was not just a bad story, it was also a bad dream! Too bad I cannot wake up from it as well!

The next joke is called "Better Days" and it takes place when Batman is seventy-five years old. Or older. Or younger. But probably the first one.

Why is Damian using Alfred's head as a belt buckle? Is nobody else upset about this?

Bruce's guests are Dick Grayson and Tim Drake and Babs Gordon and Alfred Pennyworth and Damian Wayne. They must have forgiven him for telling The Joker all of their secrets. I wonder if The Joker will bring a present?

The fourth joke is called "Rain." I think I know this joke! "Knock knock!" "Who is there? Is it you? The person I have been waiting for to return my love? Is it the person that makes my heart race and the tears to fall? Is it you?" "No, it is only shadows on my doorstep. It is only cloudy images on my window pane. It is only rain."

Except that joke does not have Batman in it, so I might be wrong. Let us see if their joke contains The Batman!

Oh! It does have Batman! And it is a very funny joke indeed! See Batman save the psychopath?! See! See!

Also, the previous joke was supposed to be called "Hero" in the Table of Contents but then it was not called that at all.

The fifth joke is called "The Sacrifice" and it stars The Phantom Stranger. He is not very funny anymore. He played a big prank two thousand years ago and that was the last joke he ever made. He said, "Why are you not laughing Jesus? Don't you think it was a funny kiss? Can you not take a joke, Jesus?" And Jesus said, "Forgive them for they know not what they laugh at." And Judas said, "Oh boy! That prank really took a wrong turn, didn't it? I think I'll see you guys later!" And the Romans said, "No, do not go Judas! This was the best joke we've ever heard!" And the Hebrew People said, "That was it? That was your joke? We do not buy it. I think we shall wait around for a better joke than that."

The Phantom Stranger has decided it is once again time to get back on the joke-telling horse. So he comes to Batman and says, "Stop me if you've heard this one before."

Batman has heard it before! Stop, Phantom Stranger, stop!

The Phantom Stranger does not stop! He tells the joke anyway. But he forgets the punchline and tells it incorrectly. He tells it so badly that The Batman hates this version even more than the original version! This new joke must be very bad if Batman prefers the punchline that goes, "Thomas and Martha Wayne get shot in the head and die. Ha ha!"

The Phantom Stranger has not told a joke in so long that he ruins it by explaining it at the end.

Oh Phantom Stranger! Do not spoil the joke! Do not explain why it is funny!

The next joke is called "Gothtopia" and I think this is the most important joke in the book since it is being told by the regular creative team and it is also the name of the big crossover prank that DC has come up with. In this one, Pamela Isley who is also sometimes called Poison Ivy is yelling at the citizens of Gotham to wake up. It seems she is the only one that realizes Gothtopia, America's Safest City, should not be this at all! It should be Gotham City, Stuff of Nightmares! Although even if she sees the truth, why would she want it back? Old Gotham City was horrible! In Gotham City, Batman's sidekick was a skinny little boy. But not in Gothtopia!

Now that's what I call a sidekick! Mrowwr!

Batman's new sidekick is called Catbird and it is, fairly obviously judging by the excitement in my loinal area, Selina Kyle. She and Batman have the type of relationship that Tim Drake would be super jealous about if he ever found out.

Well, maybe not exactly that type of relationship.

Batman captures Poison Ivy and sends her off to be punished by Commissioner Sionis. So I guess the Black Mask is somehow mindcontrolling every lousy citizen in Gotham except for Poison Ivy. That's a good joke both on everybody and on Poison Ivy! Ha ha! Look at how confused Poison Ivy is! She must feel so alone and afraid. That is really funny when you can point at somebody else feeling like that and say "Ha ha! I am glad that is not me!"

Batman and Catbird help keep the city safe by going from fake accident to fake accident. You can tell the accidents are fake because one of them is reported as an ice cream truck jackknifing on the interstate. That is silly! Ice cream trucks are incapable of jackknifing! Silly Batman! Silly Gothtopia! Sexy Catbird!

The current mayor is The Penguin, so he might be in on this joke as well. Barbara Gordon is Bluebelle and Kate Kane is Brightbat and Dick Grayson is The Gothamite and Luke Fox is Flying Fox and Dinah Lance and Strix and Condor are The Wings of Truth. And everyone is happy and everybody laughs and laughs all day long.

People in Gothtopia are very happy, so they are committing suicide at an alarming rate. It makes sense to Alfred and Selina but Bruce is troubled by all of the happy suicides. He decides to get himself poisoned by Poison Ivy on accident so that he can learn the truth. It is a good plan, The Batman! A very good plan! Except that it makes everybody else sad and they all stop laughing for the entire day. Now they must stop Batman from believing! They must make him believe the not-believing before he unbelieves them all and they begin to believe the beliefs that he's now believing! And that would ruin the entire joke.

Also, the Gothamite might not be Dick Grayson since he should be in Chicago. But I can't think whom it might otherwise be.

Batman allows himself to be captured because he does not want to hurt his friends. And he would hurt them because breaking jaws and bones is what he does best. So instead he is carted off to The Crane Rehabilitation Center where Killer Croc works as a security guard. It makes sense that The Scarecrow would be behind a big gigantic brainwashing joke like this. But are the other criminals in on it as well? Or are they just working with him? It is very hard to get madmen to work together but it sometimes happens.

Here is where I would scan the final two pages to show that the madmen are all in on the plan and Professor Pyg and Harley Quinn and Mr. Freeze are co-conspirators as well. But it's a double page splash and I'd probably break the binding on the book, so you'll just have to imagine it or buy your own copy or pirate it off of the internet. That last one was a joke! I do not approve of that at all! Not at all!

The final joke is called "Twenty-Seven." And I will keep it short. Batman learns how to replicate himself so that there is always a Batman! The end!

Detective Comics #27 Rating: No change. I feel like there should have been a bigger payoff at the end of this. Where was the punchline? Oh! I see it! Now that I've closed the cover! I see it! The joke was on me! There is the punchline! There it is! $7.99! That was a mean joke. Very mean.

Batman: The Dark Knight #26

Batman Incorporated #14?

So in-between reading The Flash and picking up The Dark Knight, I cooked my cornbread muffins. I thought about putting an exclamation point at the end of that sentence but I'm not sure cooking muffins ever really needs an exclamation point. Perhaps if the subject of the sentence were different, an exclamation point would be called for. "My dead grandmother clawed her way through the gates of hell to cook me some cornbread muffins!" See? Much better. Oh, I should probably include the food shot since it's something I created and it desperately needs to be posted for posterity. The people of the future are going to want to experience all of the things their long dead God created.

My muffin tin that makes muffins shaped like asses is entirely appropriate.

Hopefully, the Clayface story arc is finally over now that he's been shoved into Arkham Asylum's version of a Betty Crocker Easy Bake and Highly Pressurized Oven. The cover doesn't really tell me anything except that it can't be true because Batman will never be chained! It's probably some kind of metaphor about taxes and how they're keeping Bruce Wayne from providing living wages to most of Wayne Enterprises employees. Thanks a lot, Comic Book Version of Obama!

The issue begins with a Mexican woman getting fired from her job of putting heads on angels. She also gets to the pharmacy too late to pick up the medicine which her baby needs. Also, I don't think she has enough money to buy it because she doesn't have a job. And then the baby dies and everyone is sad. And because of Sesame Street and the pharmacy being closed, all that keeps running through my head now is the word "ceh-rah-do!" "Ceeeeerrrrrraaaaaaadddddoooo!" "Cerrado!" "Abierto!" "Cerrado!"

This is only issue one of two so it looks like we're not going to get any dialogue for two full issues? This will be a quick read! Or maybe once the woman heads to the United States (probably Gotham!), we'll get some dialogue but she won't be able to understand it and she won't be able to respond. That way she's still voiceless but I'll feel like I didn't waste all that time learning to read just so I can look at stupid pictures! I want to show off my skills!

The woman's other child gets sick which is when she makes the desperate decision to leave her homeland and try her chance at America. But things go south while going north because the coyote or whatever they call the guy that takes the groups across the border double crosses them all and sells them out to The Masked Skull Gang! They separate the women from the children and the elderly because The Masked Skull Gang is probably into sex trafficking and/or age discrimination.

I could be wrong about this entire story though because without Narration Boxes, I'm thoroughly confused!

It could be I have the entire story wrong! The woman could have been working at a warehouse that creates actual angels. Then she inadvertently killed one which meant her child would be possessed by a demon. So the warehouse manager insists that she take the day off to deal with her demon child. But she arrives too late at the pharmacy to pick up the poison to kill the horrible monster. She comes back home to tell her family and weep in fear as the child curses them from the crib. Later they attend the funeral of her baby's first victim and while there, a man approaches her and says she should flee to Gotham. But she gets angry because there is nowhere to run from her demon child. Eventually her oldest child also begins succumbing to demonic possession because the woman must have gone back to work and killed another angel. She heads to the trash pile outside of town where God lives and asks him for forgiveness. God, of course, is a bald, tattooed man in a wife-beater. I'd normally call it a tank top but I think if the guy wearing it lives in a trash heap, you have to call it a wife-beater.

So God tells the woman there is nothing she can do. She must try to get her child as far away as possible before the child becomes completely possessed. So she loads up in a truck and heads to America. But on the way there, the truck is pulled over by America's Border Guard. Also it is Halloween which is why they have masks. They separate the adult women from the children and the elderly because they're all being taken to check out the Border Patrol's haunted house and it's too scary for small children and people with heart conditions. As the trucks are pulling away, the mother screams at them to kill her child because it has succumbed to the demon's will! But the guard thinks she's playing a Halloween prank so he smashes her in the face with the butt of his rifle because he hates Halloween pranks. The cars head off into the night.

While mother enjoys the haunted house, the children and elderly must prepare the Christmas decorations to be put up on the haunted house a few days after Halloween.

Grandmother is still trying to warn them about the devil child.

The mother is too frightened to visit the haunted house so she tries to get away. But she's forced back by gunpoint because she's going to enjoy the frightful festivities, dammit!

Meanwhile grandmother checks on the devil child and is perturbed that she still lives.

Grandmother is going to end this right the fuck now, by God!

While Grandmother tries to head out the window so she can find a weapon to kill the spawn of Satan, one of the border patrol tries to catch up to her to give her a knife. He believes her story unlike the rest of his coworkers! But he trips on some jingle bells on the ground and accidentally stabs her and knocks her out the window. Confused and disoriented from the fall, Grandmother wanders away into the night. The worker reports back to The Penguin who must be running the haunted house. He tries to explain how they have a devil child amongst them but The Penguin has a sudden panic attack from his Bat-related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and flips the fuck out on the guy.

Whoops!

Later, Batman finds the Grandmother dead on the street. In her hand, he finds a flyer for The Penguin's upcoming Santa's Workshop Themed House (not haunted!) and Batman gets really fucking pissed off because Damian would have loved to visit this but he can't because he's dead! And if Damian can't enjoy it, then fuck everyone! It's time to close this beloved yearly event down for good!

Batman pulls the fire alarm on the workshop preparing the decorations for the event and all the workers rush outside. When Batman runs inside to destroy everything, he finds the little devil girl praying for Jesus's head to explode.

Halo of light? More like Halo of Brains!

Batman realizes immediately how dangerous this little girl is so he takes her to a veterinarian to have her put to sleep. He watches from the window to make sure that she's been put on the drip that will ease her safely into oblivion without her realizing she's dying. If she knew what was happening, she'd destroy Gotham in hellfire!

By the time Batman has taken care of that problem, the Christmas Decoration Factory has recovered from the pulled fire alarm and they're back in business. This time, Batman decides to forgo the subtle approach and smashes through a skylight, raining explosives down on the warehouse to destroy all of the beautiful and heart-warming decorations that Damian would have loved so much! You know, as soon as Batman taught Damian to love Christmas which I'm sure he had almost done before Damian was killed. Who doesn't love Christmas?! Even I love Christmas and I'm a Goddamned atheist!

Batman destroys everything and beats up the staff while telling the children they'd better get the fuck out and find a new job if they know what's good for them! The kids run screaming into the night as more of Penguin's employees pull up for their shift to find Batman out front shitting all over their shit.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY YULE LOG, BITCHES!?"

The employees newly arrived on the scene have their tinsel guns handy (they're not actual weapons! They're just used for firing strings of tinsel over the house and large trees) and fire them at Batman, tangling him up in a web of glittery festivity. He's carted off, shoved in a cage, and kept away from The Penguin's Holiday House Extravaganza. Christmas is saved!

God bless us! Every one!

Batman: The Dark Knight #26 Rating: No change. I think I've gotten the gist of this thing! It could be I'm supposed to be learning some kind of lesson from it but I'm hard pressed to see what devil children and Penguin's Christmas Party have got to do with being voiceless!

Batman: The Dark Knight #25

Time once again for some lonely jerk losing himself in a character and spending all of his time dealing with The Penguin! Also Clayface is in this story.

Clayface has broken out of Arkham Asylum again because nobody knows how to keep that guy incarcerated while still maintaining an illusion of humane treatment. And now The Goddamned Fucking Batman has to waste more time hunting him down.

Clayface's first visit is to The Penguin to tell him that he won't be working for him anymore. He's paid his debt and he's going out on his own now. I wonder what ever happened between him and Poison Ivy? They seemed like a happy couple for a little while there. While Clayface is off thinking up his own crime spree which will probably be pretty stupid (no offense intended, you big moronic pile of clay, but seriously, you don't really have much of a brain anymore. Just a big pile of slimy sludge), Batman and Commissioner Gordon are investigating Clayface's breakout at Arkham.

I think Hurwitz has pages and pages of Batman suddenly appearing and disappearing around Gordon jokes. And as long as they keep making me laugh, I'll be happy to keep seeing them in these pages.

Batman surprises even himself when he sees the footage of Clayface kidnapping people and realizes that he was correct about Clayface going out and getting a new audience. He says, "I didn't mean it literally, Alfred." This is the only acceptable use of the word "literally." When a metaphor suddenly turns real. Also you can use it this way: "I literally figuratively shit my pants when that guy attacked me with a chainsaw." Also if that happened, you probably wouldn't need the figuratively in there, would you? Maybe I should have thought up a better example.

Batman and Alfred make a list of all locations in Gotham that have any ties to Basil Karlo or his movies. The list is too big for Batman to cover himself, so he decides to get some help tracking down the kidnapped citizens. The two people he calls on for help? Black Canary and...ugh...Condor. Really, Batman? I think you're above needing that asshole's help. Unless you can accidentally get him killed! Is that the plan?!

Yes!

Luckily Batman finds Clayface first so we won't have to see any more of Condor. Except Batman probably gave Black Canary and Condor a list of his locations and they'll come swinging in at the last second to help Batman defeat Clayface. Not that Batman needs anybody else's help. But they have to make it look good so maybe a few fans will think, "Neat! Maybe I should be reading Birds of Prey too!" No, you don't need to be reading it. Not at all.

Nice sarcasm, Batman. Do you think they'll ever help you again with that attitude?

As you can see from the above page, Batman defeats Clayface by knocking him into a gigantic fondue pot. I have no idea what a gigantic pot of melted cheese was doing in the theater. Perhaps it was the hors d'oeuvres for the cast party after the show?

See? Pages and pages of these jokes!

Clayface is returned to Arkham but this time he's kept in a pressure cooker to keep him from being able to keep any form. I guess that's as humane as they can make it with this guy.

Batman: The Dark Knight Rating: +8 Ranking. This issue wasn't a "+8 Ranking" kind of issue. But I figure this comic has been way farther down in the rankings than it deserves to be since Gregg Hurwitz took over. Ever since he came on board as the writer, this comic book has been interesting and entertaining. It was a pile of shit before that though, hence it's previous position at 37 on the charts.

Batman: The Dark Knight #24

What the fuck? I thought we were through with Clayface already!

Last issue, Batman and Commissioner Gordon and the Gotham City Police Department finally captured Clayface. This month, Clayface is once again on the cover. Unless that's Cthulu. Or the Kraken. Batman with a really bad case of diarrhea?

This issue begins with Clayface explaining his criminal motivations to the man in the cell next to his, a fan of Basil Karlo. Clayface merely needed an audience. He needed the attention and the fame. He needed eyes on him and people talking about his performance. Clayface a criminal? No, no. He is an Artist!

Or a needy asshole. But why quibble over terms?

No need to quibble. Needy asshole it is!

Poor Clayface. His adult life as a super villain has turned out just like his high school years. He's just trying to fit in but none of the cool kids in the Crime Syndicate want him hanging around. At least his new jail buddy adores him. Although he's probably a paid actor himself helping to keep Clayface's mind preoccupied and prevent him from escaping.

Basil spent years trying to be noticed but nobody found him interesting. Probably because he didn't find anything interesting himself. He was so desperate for people to notice him that he was ignoring himself as well. He seemed to be into old horror movies judging by the posters in his room. I'm sure he could have found friends in that shared interest and then he wouldn't have been so desperate to be noticed. Sure, those friends would have been depressing middle aged men that could quote entire B movie scripts for no good fucking reason but at least he would have had some buddies! He could have sat around in an undusted (as opposed to dusty. This is a critically exact description I'm making here!), bitter smelling, dark apartment at a folding table with three or four older men playing marathon sessions of Magic the Gathering. One of the guys would probably have turned a set of cards into some old time monster movie playing card game that only he really knew all of the rules for playing it. I think there would also be many fleas and three mangy cats named Frohike, Byers, and Langly.

But instead of doing that, Basil simply grew older and more alone and less interesting. So he did what the rest of us wind up doing when stuck in that position. Make a deal with the devil while on the verge of sleep after crying for twenty minutes straight, lying in the slowly drying puddle of our own bodily emissions which we didn't even enjoy producing but we just needed to feel something.

Except Basil's devil wasn't imaginary.

Later Basil snorted the clay and found that he could mimic any face. He found that he could perfectly express any emotion. It took practice but he had a lot of time for that since he didn't have any friends and nobody particularly liked him. The jobs began pouring in and people started to like him. Just imagine if he'd been into practicing before snorting the Skinwalker Cube! I bet he could have made an honest living as an actor! But who fucking likes hard work? It's hard! And it's work! Fuck that shit. Let's go do some ecstasy instead!

Fame and fortune followed. But that's the kind of thing you should expect when you deal with the devil! He knows how to make good on a contract. Unlike that God fellow who works in mysterious ways by giving you cancer and allowing your daughter to drown when she was just barely two. Thanks a lot, God! I guess I learned something!

Yeah, like God is a dick. That's all I learned! At least when you deal with the devil, you know he's going to come back and try to screw you. But at least he'll have made good on the initial promise by giving you whatever you wanted. That's important! So after all the fame and fortune and discovering he could replicate other people simply by touching them, Basil finally gets the callback he's been dreading. The Penguin wants his due.

He should just transform into somebody with less stress.

Clayface is left with only one person in his life: The Penguin. And so he continued to do The Penguin's jobs until Batman caught him, he was thrown in Arkham, and he met his bestiest friend ever. Too bad his life story was so shitty and depressing that his bestie killed himself during the tale. Oh well! That's life!

Afterward, Clayface fakes a choking incident which the idiot doctors fall for. Look at him! Look at what his body can do! Do you really think he can choke? Or breathe, for that matter? I bet he doesn't even need to eat! How does he have any organs that do anything? He probably gets nutrients like a whale! You know, if a whale were a land animal and plankton were floating in the air. It's not a perfect analogy but that's what makes it an analogy! You don't use an analogy to make an apt comparison with the original situation! You use an analogy to muddy the water and make your side of an argument seem better by using shadow puppetry and legerdemain! Anyway, the big act wins Clayface an Oscar. And by Oscar, I really mean his freedom. Because now he's able to escape which means another fucking Clayface issue next month! I can't believe when this whole Clayface story began, I thought it was over after the first issue! I'm such an idiot.

Batman: The Dark Knight #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets a thumbs up from me because it was nice to see some of Clayface's history, even though he was a pathetic jerk.

Batman: The Dark Knight #23

I guess last month's one-shot was actually a two-shot! Stupid me and my ability to accept unresolved stories!

Last month's issue ended with Batman saving Commissioner Gordon from Clayface while Clayface looked on from the street in disguise. It's at that point that I declared that story over and that it was pretty decent for a one-shot. I guess I should have known that Batman wouldn't let it end at that! Especially since he's already put Clayface in Arkham about seven times so far in just The New 52 alone.

I might have been exaggerating when I said "seven times" but I don't think by much.

I have a huge--cataclysmically huge, if I may be so inaccurate and bold--problem with people labeling criminals like these as "smart."

First off, it doesn't make somebody smart if they can manipulate the financial system to make themselves lots and lots of money. It makes them a thief. It makes them an asshole. It makes them a cheater. But it doesn't make them smart. You are not a smart person if you get ahead in some kind of game by not following the rules. Not once did I ever play a game of Monopoly where it ended with somebody stealing all the money from the bank and everybody else giving that player a standing ovation, a chorus of "Bravo," and the Nobel Prize for Ingenuity. Beating people at something by manipulating the rules or playing by a different set of rules or by ignoring the rules altogether does not make you smarter than a person who has agreed to play by the rules. It makes you the asshole who doesn't merge until the very end when one lane has been closed. Yes. Bravo. You chose to be a dick. But it doesn't mean other people didn't see that fucking option. They just didn't want to fuck everybody else in the face for their own selfish needs and desires. So fuck everybody who calls a criminal "smart" when they're able to line their pockets at other people's expense. Unless smart is also a synonym for asshole and then, well, I'm okay with that.

I think I concentrated on the wrong part of the first page! I think I was supposed to notice the guy in the Scottish Golf Chauffeur Taxi Nerd Cap melting into a pile of earwax and sliding under the door. I wonder what that's about! I bet he's one of them smart criminals!

The man sliding under the door turns out to be Clayface for anybody not reading DC Comics for the last two hundred years. And if you've been reading Marvel, just imagine The Sandman but without the buzz cut and the nice striped shirt. Boy, I hope I'm correctly remembering what The Sandman looked like in the old Spiderman cartoons from when I was a kid! Those were the ones with the Spiderman theme song that everybody remembers although some people remember the lyrics as Spiderpig now.

Sandface distracts the guards with his "Old Man Trapped in a Closet" routine while Clayman's henchmen storm in and destroy the place. After that, they're all given their pay checks and sent home for the weekend.

Kidding! He kills them all!

I suppose, in comparison, I'd have to go with those other Wall Street criminals as being smart compared to fucking Gotham City Henchmen. Why don't they learn?! I suppose because they're dead. But why don't other Henchmen see that being a Henchman never fucking pays? If people are willing to put up with this kind of treatment to be a Henchman, I can't imagine what kind of horrors the employees at Gotham McDonalds are suffering through. "Hmm, McDonald's Drive Thru Cashier or Henchman for that psychotic madman, The Joker?"

It's right about this time that the Securities Exchange realizes they're going to have to call in the Gotham City Window Repair Union and pay their outrageous prices because Batman appears on the scene. And if Batman has ever walked through a door, I'll eat my cat. I first typed "gone through a door" and realized I was opening myself up to a major technicality since I'm certain he's crashed through a fair number of those as well as windows, walls, and skylights.

Batman saves a woman and the fight gets taken out to the street where cars and hydrants and lots and lots of pavement can be smashed. How can Clayface be so malleable and yet hard as an inmate's cock at the same time?! Hmm, I think I just answered my own question.

Batman has a gun that creates one of those hard plastic tubes that Batman caught Clayface inside of way back in an issue of Batman. I think it was an issue of Batman. It was the one where Clayface turned into Damian for a moment. Anyway, Batman can't quite lock him down because the tube keeps getting hung up on shit, allowing Clayface to throw it off of himself or slip out from under it.

Once again Clayface gets away. But now Batman needs to know how Clayface knows that Natalya had a connection with Batman. I think he may be beginning to panic that his secret identity could be slipping away! He doesn't know it yet but that's okay since Batwoman is going to figure it out next issue. And she'll probably sell it on eBay just for kicks.

Speaking of smart criminals who don't play by the rules, it's The Pen...hmm, I guess "not playing by the rules" is pretty much the definition of a criminal.

Not that I feel everybody needs to play by society's rules! But most people have decided that they're going to honor a certain contract by living in a community because that contract offers safety and peace for everybody. Some shit that thinks he's getting one over by breaking into cars hasn't thought up something that nobody else could have thought up. All that shit is doing is breaking the unspoken contract of community. Basically if you don't fuck with me, I won't fuck with you and we all fucking benefit from not being fucked with. Which is why I think that if you find some little shit breaking into a car, you should be allowed one good kick in their private area or a punch in the tits. Not having female body parts, I'm not sure which one would hurt more for a little female shit.

Later Batman goes to talk with Jim Gordon by using the Reverse Bat Signal Waste of Electricity Approach.

Nothing gets an old man's attention faster than a light having been left on!

Batman smacking Jim around was a nice touch too. Especially after Jim took a swing at him for corrupting Batgirl which ended up in his son "dying." He discusses his plan to capture Clayface which involves everybody dressing up like Batman and scaring Clayface. I think I've seen this in a movie before. Gone with the Wind, maybe? Didn't everybody dress up like General Sherman to scare the South into surrendering?

And it does work! Although y'all look fucking stupid.

Batman: The Dark Knight #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. I really did not expect to enjoy this issue as much as I did. Perhaps I've had a bit too much Clayface for now (and he gets a Villains Month Book! Yay?) lately. But there were some great moments in this thing. Most of which I scanned. So, you know, don't read any of the previous shit if you don't like spoilers.

Batman: The Dark Knight #22

James Gordon might turn on his own daughter, Batgirl, but he'll never go against Batman! How dare this cover suggest as much? If I had any sensibilities, they would be offended right now. Not having sensibilities and not knowing how to be offended, I'm not even sure if the previous sentence made any kind of sense. People often think that being offended is equal to thinking critically. But it's not. Thinking critically is equal to thinking critically. Telling somebody that you are offended is a bit of a power play; it paints the offender as a bully and the offended as a victim. I feel like stating you're offended is superfluous. I'd rather just hear the reasons why, stated rationally and succinctly. Then instead of feeling put on the defensive by an accusation, I can respond in the proper manner. Sometimes that response will be "Fuck you!" and sometimes that response will be "Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize that my dick was out."

Sometimes I wish that I could begin a serious thought and not have it devolve into silliness. But I do so because I'm afraid that if I actually say something serious, somebody might disagree with me and point out, rationally and logically, that what I just said was an utter load of bullshit. Then I would be called on to defend myself and my ideas! But if I say something serious and then follow it up with pure slapstick, my response can simply be, "I was joking!" And then I can wipe the sweat from my brow and write in my diary, "August 3rd, 2013. Whew. That was a close one."

Speaking of diaries, my friends Doom Bunny and Upright have a great Monkey's Paw style story about reading someone's diary! Since they've told it to me, I think it's fair that I can pass it on because it's a great Cautionary Tale. In high school, Upright was dating this girl that I will call Rosy Akelson. She was beginning to get a bit distant and Upright thought that maybe he could find out why by reading her diary. He knew how to get into her bedroom through the window, so he and Doom Bunny went by one day to break in and read the diary. Now Doom Bunny was good friends with Rosy and he had a huge crush on her. So he was hoping to read some juicy details on how she felt about him, seeing as how they hung out quite a bit when Upright wasn't around. So they climbed into her bedroom and took out the diary. In it, Rosy described how she was feeling less and less for Upright and how she had a huge crush on a guy named Curtis. Page after page was just more about Curtis and less about Upright. His great high school true love relationship was on the rocks and getting rockier! The diary had done nothing but make his feelings worse. And it was no better for Doom Bunny, for there was nary a mention of his name throughout the whole diary. They put the diary away and left, dejected and broken. It was probably only because of their friendship with me that they could continue on with any semblance of a happy life.

That was a Monkey Paw story not because there was a monkey paw anywhere in it but because it was a be careful what you wish for kind of a thing! If Upright or Doom Bunny read this, they'll probably tell me I got the entire story wrong. But the moral is the important part, not the particulars! And what is the moral? "If you're a soccer coach for young kids, don't wrestle with them."

Hold on a second. James Gordon has something he wants to say.

Gordon is having a Synchronicity II moment. He knows that something somewhere has to break. And now Clayface has reared his ugly head. Or somebody else's ugly head. Apparently the last time Batman captured Clayface in Wayne Towers, it didn't take. But then when does anybody remain in Arkham? That place doesn't have a revolving door; it's got ejector cells.

Gordon has arrived at a jewelry store robbery gone wrong. Police showed up in the middle of the heist and the robbers took the store's security guard hostage. Jim negotiates a trade with Clayface's gang; they release the guard and Jim heads in. Once inside, he pulls the guns taped to his back and begins killing crooks. Damn. Somebody get the Commissioner inside Arkham before he regains his sanity! I don't mean put him in Arkham because he's crazy. I mean put him in Arkham because he's willing to kill the fucking crazies!

But then old sour sop wanders in from the shadows, as per usual.

Okay, which one is Clayface?

Turns out Gordon is Clayface. Of course! You didn't think Jim Gordon would really have had the nerve to go into a dangerous situation before talking it over with Batman, did you? So naive! After Batman dodges the bullet, he punches Gordon in the face causing clay and bats to fly across the room. Don't ask me why Clayface is full of bats! It's probably a metaphor for something that I'm too stupid to figure out.

Clayface manages to slip down a drain in the floor without completely clogging it up. He's acting a bit more like The Sandman than Clayface. I think in the amount of time it would take Clayface to jam himself into the drain, Batman could have kicked him in the face at least thirteen dozen times. But this is a comic book and you just can't get believable depictions of clay men slipping into three inch drainage holes. Once Clayface disappears through the floor, Batman does his disappearing act as well and begins to wonder who Clayface is now disguised as. It's like the crappiest shell game in Gotham.

I wonder if Batman breaks up shell games and Three Card Monte hucksters? I bet he just plays them and wins every time, forcing them to move to Metropolis where they just get their asses handed to them by Clark Kent.

The real Commissioner Gordon is the one creating all of the Narration Boxes seen at the beginning but overlaid on Commissioner Clayface. Gordon is tied to a chair and chained to the floor in a broken down community theater. While realizing that at no point does one ever give up in Gotham, he discovers a flood light and a bunch of bats. Isn't that lucky! Now all he has to do is grab a bat with his teeth, slap it onto the flood light, chew through the chain at his feet, roll across the floor and down the stairs to the basement, find the power fuses, flip the switch with his tongue, wake up hours later after recovering from being electrocuted, hop up the steps while still tied to the chair, plug in the flood light, and cry as the bat signal shines mockingly against the ceiling above.

While Gordon works on his plan, Batman and Alfred have a minor therapy session.

I don't know what he's paying you, Pennyworth, but it isn't enough.

Gordon's Papier Mâché bat is pretty terrible but once he slaps it on the floodlight and turns it on, it does the trick. Batman follows the signal to its source like a good domesticated bat and rescues Gordon. But Gordon is such a dedicated cop, he wants to stick around and investigate Clayface's hideout even with the danger of Clayface returning. Does this guy ever take any time off? They find a bunch of old posters for Basil Karlo's Master of Disguise Act and some wigs and fake mustaches. So that's how Clayface does it! It's just special effects and movie makeup! What a genius.

Batman and Gordon leave with Old Woman Clayface watching from outside with her bag of jewels. Clayface has escaped for now! And I have nothing at all witty to say about it. Especially since the woman at the end might not actually be Clayface and I wouldn't want to insult her by pointing out she looks like a zombie that the cat drug in and spat up a hairball on.

Batman: The Dark Knight #22 Rating: No change. This was a pretty decent one shot about Gordon and his resourcefulness and inner strength and shitty Papier Mâché bat making skills. At the end when Batman rescues Gordon, he smashes the Bat Signal first thing and tells him he doesn't want Clayface to know they're there. But in reality, he's just smashing it so people all over Gotham don't get stupid ideas about making their own bat signals and driving him nutty. I could have used a synonym for nutty there that would have been more apt but what do you think this is? A Flash comic book? Batman is no place for punning.