Aquaman and the Others #6

Welcome to the 90s, The Others!

I bet you could replace the punch line of any joke with "Aquaman!" and it would still be funny!

"How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"Aquaman!"

Okay, maybe my theory was wrong. But at least I took the time to try one experiment before declaring if it was or wasn't valid. Maybe I just inserted him into the joke poorly. Let me try another one.

Aquaman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you?" Aquaman perks up, excited to finally be recognized, and asks, "You've got a drink called a Big Dumb Stupid Loser Face?"

That joke needs some workshopping but I think it's close!

This issue begins with Aquaman and Mera looking dopey.

They look dopier in the full body shot that left off their feet. But I didn't want to waste the storage space on a full page scan.

The person Aquaman is speaking to is Vostok-XI. But Vostok-XI, being a clone of Vostok-X, still thinks he's Vostok-X. I suppose if he'd been cloned early in Vostok-X's life, he'd think he was Vostok-IX! But Aquaman and the Others, being that they don't live in the Marvel Universe, have not had a lot of experience with clones.

Let's take a quick statistical look at this comic book after three pages, shall we?

Number of Panels: Two.
Number of Seagulls: About thirty-seven.
Idiots That Don't Know Their Roman Numerals: One (at least).
Idiots That Don't Know Their Alphabet: One (at least).
Ya'wara's Butt Cheeks: Zero.
Bored Readers: One that I know of. Actual number probably equal to the number of issues this comic book sold.

iSpy's son, Aaron, is the idiot that doesn't know his alphabet or his Roman Numerals. He thinks that this Vostok, being a clone of Vostok-X, should be called either "Vostok-II" or "Vostok-Z". He's wrong on both counts!

Anyway, who is Vostok-X?! I hope this doesn't turn into a five part story to find out because I don't really care! He's a Russian guy with a magic helmet that lives on the moon. So what if there are two of them? Or were two of them. Just pretend this guy is the real one and get on with telling another story in which he dies. Aquaman decides a replacement copy of an old friend is just about as good as having the old friend back and that's good enough for The Others.

Cool kids? What cool kids? Where?

Aquaman shows Mera just how deluded he is when he tells her that the world needs The Others. Why? What have they ever done to help save the world? I think they hunted down Black Manta and pissed him off which eventually got two of them killed. And they battled a guy that only wanted back the antiquities they stole from him. I think what Aquaman meant to say was that Dan Jurgens needs them or else he isn't going to be getting much of a paycheck from DC.

Four more pages in and the Seagull Count has increased by about 34 more!

Ya'wara and Sayeh head to Tehran where the number one concern is that Ya'wara not go outside because she's practically naked and she'll inadvertently give all the Iranian men boners and then they'll have to stone her for being a vile temptress. Unless the main concern with her roaming the streets is that she's wearing two big daggers on her hips.

A lot of other boring stuff happens and there are more seagulls. And then something less boring happens! Unless it's more boring? I can't tell. Anyway, it's different.

Dan Jurgens was only allowed access to the most boring and inconsequential villains of the DC Universe.

KGBeast isn't alone. He's working with a woman in green. She's probably The Leprechaun and her main concern is a united, peaceful, powerful Ireland. They're probably in a group with other Nation-themed villains called The United Nations of Pain! KGBeast tosses iSpy off of the roof of a building because a comic book hasn't ended with the hero falling to their inevitable deaths in over a month! Mostly due to the Futures End issues not having cliffhangers.

Aquaman and the Others #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This book is so fucking boring I might actually stop reading one of DC's New 52 soon.

Futures End: Aquaman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Dis week, in honors a haffin' da mos' mediocrest protagonist in littyrapture funfun books, Aquaman, Old Goggs gonna run her show likem dem late night dumb dumbs fer da masses. Ya 'member dem, rights? Da Viddle Atterman, Jail N.O., Jimjim Phallus, Simpkins Kimbel, Crayfish Fergamon, and sos on und on. Sos ta startem off, here be mein Top Ten List! Dis where I frow my hands und arms up in da air and yell, "Yaaaaaaaay!", as I runs off da stage, sees? Like dat delicious frog.

Top Ten Things Goggles McDeathhurt Hates Most About The Dusty Stretches

10. Kitten farming!
9. Dem Raccoons what gots inta dat nuclear powers plant minutes back und can now rides mogocycles, swing chains y baseball bats, and wearem dem leather jackets what say "Trash Collectors" on da back.
8. Gail Hersimone enslaved by Dynamite und forced ta write lesbian porns whilst stills trynna keep true ta her artistical integrities, resultin' in dialogs like "Stick your nasty Filipino tongue up my biracial baby sluice, you gorgeous shorter than average, chubbyish labia lover" und "Fist my polyamorous asshole with your nasty Laos/First Nations mix fist, you vagina gobbling sex lobster" und "Ride my over-represented face with your under-represented, disabled, Hindi, Maori/Irish underlips, you small breasted twat fondling twiddle banger!"
7. No government regulations resultin' in busyness practices like Shivilization marketin' Kidney Shields ta protect da lower voices from Shivilization's rampant kidney stabbin' rampages.
6. Walkin' everwhere! Dat jess mights be a hatred a livin' allupin Old York, dough.
5. Da never ending screaming, wailing, moaning, whining, and chanting of da lower voices. Shut da fucks up, somedust, what? Ya hauntin' my dreamslands!
4. Da Dynamite artists ignorin' Gail Hersimone's dialogs und jess drawin' all da womans as thin, big breasted, blonde, white womens.
3. No matter hows many spices dem chefs git dere hands on, everting still tastes like rat feces.
2. The motherfuckity dust!
And da number one top all times fink dat Goggles McDeathhurt hates mos' bout dese here Dusty Stretches?! No man left good 'nuff ta make Goggles' circus come ta town! Leastways shes still gots a gute supply dem double Ds.

Dat latey night dumb dumb 'nuff? Goggles finks so! Lets see if it be as dumb dumb as dis heres Aquaman!

Oy, lookity! It be even dumb dumber den Old Goggs uz expectin'. We be gettin' dem Others and da story wroted by dat hack artist, Dan Jurjens.

Old Goggs gots an idea. Hows 'bout I jess fucking ignore dis here Aquaman shite and do some headlines, ja? Imma gonna make da guess dat dis Aquaman comical book jess gonna be bout underwater peeps hatin' on Aquaman and Aquaman tryin' ta make everduster get along mit ever ovver duster. Gonna go for da long hug tweens dem Landers and dem Seaers, feels it? Goggs'll finish da funfun book later, rights affer Headlines! Dats da part a da show wherelike da host und da writers cain't fink up any a dere own jokes, sos dey asks dem audiences ta send in da funny papers. Den dat Jail N.O., he sayup somefin stupid dats basically jess restatin' what been said in dem headlines dat da audiences a'eady laffin' on anydust.

Dis firs headlines come from Old York's oldest/newest paper, The Dusty Times: "Blood Molecules in Air So Thick To Make Previously Known Blood-Borne Disease Airborne." Hmm. Dat's more disgustin' den funny. But den I ain't gots millions of Scanners sendin' me funny papers, sees me?

Dis seconds headlines outta Upper Kinder Camp's Lunches For The Weak single sheet: "What Looser Fuckfuckerfuck Fucking Took My FUCKING A-Fucking-Team Lunchyfuck Fuckbox? Fuckers Gonna Fucking Die." Whoa. Dems kids gots some major unbridleds up dere, donna dey? It also goes on ta list da lunch program meal for da ressa da week. Lookity like Spaghetti-Os on da menu fer mos' of it. Wonder where dey keep gettin' dem canned goods? Mayhappen "Spaghetti-Os" coded fer somefink else, eh? Probably tomato paste covered rat sphincters.

Dis tird headlines from Boozetown's paper, Parked Cars: "Big Mystery! Beaches Thick With Corpses of Exploded Sea Animals." Gross. Dat soundin' like da jobs fer Aquamans, ja?

Okay, okay. Dis here program inherited from dat chump what cried like a fuckin' baby when Old Goggs belly busted him in da Lightning Dome, and Old Goggs s'posed ta keep up his dumb dumb commentaries on dese here littyrapture funfun books, sees it? So she's gonna do a quick recap a dis heres littyrapture afore she gits ta da interview segments.

Aquaman gots lotta merde ta deal mit. He cheatem on Mera for Ya'wara. Atlantis sufferem acause he choosed ta git dem involved in da Earf Two War. The Dead King ain't dead nomores. Everduster hates him, boff in da funfun books und outs. But mos' alluv, he stills gots ta deal mit dis stupid Others plotline by Jurjens dat a'eady went on too longs as is. Jess give dese assholes dem gold baubles sos dey go away a'eady.

Fuckity. Dis here funfun littyrapture book donna end in dis one issue. It gonna be continuated up in dem Aquaman und da Ovvers book. Dat ain't somefin Old Goggs be lookin' frowards to. Anydust, time fer da interview segment! In da broadcastin' nest mit Old Goggs be . . . Archivist Melville! Welcomes back, Archivist Melville. Somes might say ta da land o' da livin, nein?

[A gravelly, deep voice begins to speak, labored and seemingly exhausted]

Archivist Melville: "Th...thank you, Goggles.
Goggles: "I uz worried corpsed 'bout youse. Care ta splains what happened affer ya lef' here las' times?"
Archivist Melville: "Sure. Sure. Thank you for taking me...taking me in. I didn't know who else to...you know...to go to here in the city."
Goggles: "You doned mucho craps fer Old Goggs, Archivist Melville. She ain't gonna leaves ya desperates out mit dem lower voices, feels her?"
Archivist Melville: "Yes, yes. Thank you. So...well...where to start? Um, they were...they were waiting for me where Old Crick meets up with Old Route 30...you know it, um, what the lower voices now call The Butthole Highway. They knew I'd be...um...be heading back that way since it's the only clear and easy...and easy route back to Reading City. It wasn't just some looters and brigands, Gog...Goggles. They were clean. Suits under body armor. Well polished wea...weapons."
Goggles: "Merde."
Archivist Melville: "A group of about ten to...ten to twelve men and women, standing around a limo...limousine, holding automatic rifles, smoking cigars, laughing...just, you know, laughing. The way through was completely blocked, so I had to...I mean, I couldn't go...I just had to stop. 'Archivist Melville, I presume,"\' says the shortest man, big mirrored glasses on his tiny...tiny...um...weasel face. Thick mustache. 'Get off the bike. Get...get in the car,' he...he says, rifle nonchal...nonchalantly resting over his left shoulder."
Goggles: "Archivist Melville? Dey knew yer name? Dey knew youse was in Old York? Oh fuckity. Oh, Old Goggs is so sorry."
Archivist Melville: "Sorry? Sorry for...for what? What's happening, Goggles?"
Goggles: "Did dey keeps ya all dis time jess ta let ya...oh fuckity shit. Keep tellin' da Scanners ya story! I gotsta...I be right backs."
Archivist Melville: "They shoved me into their car. They...they shot up and burned my moped, my comic books, my Hostess...tess pies. They drove me back to Old York, locked me up for...for...I don't know...weeks? Has it been weeks? Goggles? Goggles? Why did they...what did I do? What's happened here?"

[Heavy breathing over a long silence]

Goggles: "Take dis. Ya cans use one a dem, rights?"
Archivist Melville "Sure...sure. Why, Goggles? What am I going to need a magnum for in here? What haven't you...you...you told me?"
Goggles: "Dose richers. Deys been lissen' Goggs broadcast acause deys da ones giver up dis here quipments. Dey also gave Old Goggs a studio ta broadcast outta but Old Goggs never moved up in dere, sees it? Dey didna know who I was 'til recent, see? Old Goggs began sendin' dem clues, see? She sent out dis secret...waits, waits. Where's dat delayem switch. Oh, here, ja, o-- . . . --ouble now, okay? You should goes as fas' as foots can goes, right?"
Archivist Melville: "If there is going...going to be violence, Goggles, I will not leave your side. I have been in enough firefights with The Long Boxes to hold my..."

[Archivist Melville's words drowned out by breaking glass, shouting, stomping feet. A new voice, growling, speaks up]

Low, Growling Voice: "Well, well. If it isn't the fuckity N-Word B-Word in the flesh."
Goggles: "Fuck off, ya raving looper!"

[Several gunshots. Screaming. Various small pops and explosions followed by static]

Aquaman and the Others #1

You know a comic book is going to flop when the word "OTHERS" is the most exciting thing about the title.

I don't actually think this comic book is going to flop! Although if Dan Jurgens does to this super group what he did to Justice League International, I'm not even sure why I'm wasting my time. I don't think that team ever had a single success under their belts! It may have looked like it once or twice but I'm pretty sure they only came out on top by a fluke or a severe misstep by their enemy.

I began a long standing tradition last commentary (Detective Flash Comics) where I predict certain beats that will be taking place during the issue. Actually, I've been doing that since I began this blog. But I formally began the tradition last commentary. And recognizing traditions with formality and rigid structure is always the best way to celebrate and live life to the fullest. Always follow the rules, says the people that are always happy. Or always look happy. Right up until they hang themselves with their necktie.

I don't think I know The Others well enough to predict the things they're going to do. Aquaman will reluctantly decide to lead this team. The young girl whose name I forget (Angry Brow?) will question his on-land-credentials because she's young and sassy. Ya'wara will attempt a Boob/Butt Showcase and kiss her kitty. iAgent will complain about his arthritis. And Mr. Butterfaceman will feel embarrassed when he's caught talking to himself but is actually talking to his dead war buddies. They're probably going to battle some corporation that's polluting some waterway. Or maybe a government. The Others seems like the type of group that is going to battle governments since the Justice League is too pussy to butt into situations like that.

The issue begins thousands of years ago because in the DC Universe, every other time is far more interesting than the present. The present is too hampered by current continuity while the future and past are less set in stone. Yes, even the past is not set in stone in the DC Universe because editors don't have time to remember every event that happened in the past and how it might change the present. Just look at Stormwatch which killed Adam One at the beginning of time and didn't affect anything at all.

If that even happened. I don't remember! Ever since Jim Starlin took over, I've really only been giving it half my attention, mostly writing about how Mongul (and his Warworld) was Starlin's magnum opus and he can't get past it.

Atlan, Banished King of Atlantis, steals ten magical bars of gold from The Alchemist! The bars of gold grant some kind of power or something. Probably Philosopher Stone types of powers. You know the kind. Longevity. Enlightenment. Sexual Prowess. After he takes the gold bars, the comic returns to the present. The issue is called "Legacy of Gold" and it's the first of five parts. I suppose the main plot is going to be a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World race around the world hunting down the gold bars. The Others will be trying to stop some other agency, perhaps Intergang, perhaps The Scavenger's Team SCUBAD (Self-Congratulatory Underwater Bad Ass Divers), from finding the Gold Bars and building a world-dominating weather machine. They got the idea from watching G.I. Joe after school as kids.

He's not embarrassed but he's chatting away like a madman. So close enough! My initial guess as to what would come of his talking to his ghost buddies was predicated on the idea that Jurgens wasn't going to treat this comic book seriously. Although why I thought that when Justice League International was such a huge downer, I don't know. This whole "America broken" speech already fits the depressing mood of JLI!

After that encounter, I realize I'm an idiot. Because I can't stop the phrase "Aquaman sucks" from ringing in my head, I missed the fact that Aquaman and The Others all use golden relics with magic powers. And they were all treasures of the old king of Atlantis. That doesn't mean some greedy, power hungry group (as we see in the first few pages) isn't going to still try to get the gold. They definitely are and that's why Mr. Butterfaceman is attacked. But his Manacles of Shackling have lost their power to create shockwaves. I bet it has to do with The Alchemist coming back and he's built a secret international covert group of assassins across many centuries to secure his gold bars.

Mr. Butterfaceman wounds two of the four assassins which causes them to fail their Morale Check. They run off with one yelling, "Stay alert in the future because we will be back for that gold!" Then another one says, "Shut your stupid mouth, Charlie!"

Meanwhile in Brazil, Ya'wara is desperately trying to shit in peace.

If that scabbard on her left thigh had been placed a little further back, it would look like her dookie.

Ya'wara is busy battling poachers and desperately attempting a Boob/Butt Showcase. She comes closest with a nearly naked ass and some side boob but the judges aren't happy with it. So she murders the judges. And the poachers. And everybody else in the area that might have caught a glimpse of her eliminating her bowels.

Secondary to the near nudity, Ya'wara learns that her Teleport Orb no longer works. And her monkey is fucking shocked.

Seriously flabbergasted.

Angry Brows whose name is actually Sky (I should probably also start calling Mr. Butterfaceman "Prisoner of War" except I like Mr. Butterfaceman too much) is also attacked by the assassins trying to steal the relics. They yell, "We don't want to damage the Seal of Clarity!" as they attack her, so you'd think she just learned what they want. But when she traps them in the Ghost Lands and tells them she wants answers, they say, "We want the artifacts. All of them." And then she goes, "Oh no! I have to warn The Others!" and lets the assassins go. You'd think while she had them at her mercy, she would have opted to get a few specific details.

The next vignette is about iAgent whose name is actually The Operative. No wonder I couldn't remember his name. If he's The Operative, why does he have a stupid "I" on his head?! This question may have been answered in a past comic book but I didn't retain the information because all of my brain synapses were taken up by the internal chant of "Aquaman Sucks."

The Operative almost loses The Key to those assassin guys in red but Aquaman appears to save the day because The Operative was lucky enough to be on a boat. Aquaman and The Operative decide to get the team together to protect their treasures. I think the only reason these guys ever get together is to protect their own shit or their own lives. Or hunt down Black Manta. Have they ever gone on a mission to protect innocent lives or save the world? I guess I have to wait for more flashback issues which I'm sure will be coming.

Meanwhile in Trezygstan, The Alchemist speaks to his ancestor through a magic pool. They have some plan to get the relics back because they once belonged to their family. So the bad guy here has a connection to the past. Sky with the Clarity Seal has a connection to the past in that she can visit the Ghost Lands to speak with her ancestors. Aquaman has a connection to the past through his ancestor that betrayed Atlan the King of Atlantis (which is kind of the thing that started this whole mess). The Operative is the past because he's an old guy. Also his grandson might wind up taking his job and dating Sky. I don't know how Ya'wara is connected to the past but I'm sure it will come up when she begins being more forthright with Aquaman.

And then Aquaman and The Others are blown out of the sky! Because that's where they have group meetings. In the sky. In The Operative's plane which he calls The Living Room. Because he's paranoid and only feels safe living on the move at extreme speeds and extreme heights.

And then Kahina's sister goes crazy seeing a future with robots destroying mankind. Oh no. She's not crazy! That was just the advertisement for Future's End! I saw it too.

Aquaman and the Others #1 Rating: I'll debut this comic at Rank #33 of 52 (almost 52? There sure are a lot of empty slots!) because I really don't care about any of the characters right now.

Aquaman Annual #1

Aquaman almost looks like he's enjoying this.

For some reason, I really thought this was the second Aquaman Annual this year. The John Ostrander Others' Interlude issue felt like an annual, I guess. Maybe it also came out the same week as a bunch of annuals. Whatever the case, now all of my "two Annuals in one year" jokes aren't going to work! And I've been writing them in my head all night! And by all night, I mean the amount of time it took to scan the cover of this issue before I noticed the huge #1 on the side.

This issue begins in the East China Sea which I don't believe is a truly sanctioned sea, so Aquaman is out of his league. Get it? League! As in an ocean term that means something oceany! I think a league is the distance a pirate ship can travel while the Captain rapes the cabin boy. Unless that's a furlong! As in, "The Captain can't last furlong now, what with his scurvy causing a bad case of limp dick. Oh and 'Arr' and whatnot."

Oh yeah! The thing about the East China Sea is that it's full of mutated fish monsters calling for help. Aquaman has decided he'll help them because nobody else is calling for his help. I mean, there was that one guy having some trouble with pop-eye in his tropical aquarium but screw him. It's like the third time in six months. He should really give up the fish hobby.

The creatures first goal (by which I mean the first goal of the person controlling the creatures. Duh!) is to attack The Operative and his grandson and his grandson's lady friend Sky (the newest The Other!). But Aquaman is there to save the day the way he never does!

I wonder when I last had fish sticks? Are fish sticks a thing you just stop eating when you reach a certain age? I remember loving it when Fish Sticks were on the weekly menu for lunch in elementary school. The thought of them definitely isn't appealing anymore. What changed?! Where did my innocence go?! I wonder if there is a reverse correlation between how much a person desires fish sticks and the amount of time one spends masturbating? I should do a study! Where's my grant money?!

It turns out the mutant fish creatures are just a distraction while the mutant winged monkeys steal Vostok's mask from out of The Operative's Living Room. I love that comic books allow me to type sentences like that. Once The Operative and Aquaman realize the true mission was to steal one of the Atlantean relics, they decide to gather the other The Others. That means Ya'wara is going to appear soon in her jungle bikini!

This is me showing lots of self-control as I refrain from doing something that I can't even mention or else I wouldn't be refraining from doing it!

The Others meet up in the Living Room so that Sky can explain their powers to the new people that haven't been reading Aquaman but decided to give the Annual a try for some reason.

Why is Aquaman being so mysterious? He's been hanging out with The Batman too much. Batman always has to have the advantage, so he never opens up about anything! I'll tell you one thing Aquaman's trident does: it blinds people! Although that might be inherent in its design and not part of its magic power.

The Others figure out that somebody named Madame Xan in Hong Kong has taken the helmet. For some reason, I'm strongly disliking this new villain! "Madame Xan?" She sounds like a cunt. She also sounds like a witch but that might be because she has flying monkeys and because everything is pointing out that she's involved in heavy magic. Hopefully she doesn't have the same weakness that the other witch with the flying monkeys had! Because that's the prefect job for somebody named Aquaman!

The Others arrive but Madame Xan is waiting for them. She sets a trap which separates them so that she can offer all of them their heart's desire if only they'll join her. I bet they all refuse because they're heroes! I think. They did originally join up to kill Black Manta, right? That's not really heroic. Maybe they'll all take Madame Xan's offers! That would be a good twist!

Oh yeah. That's why she looked so familiar on the cover!

Morgaine le Fay had a plan. She decided to become immortal so that she, well, you know, would never die and shit. But she realized the flaw in her plan! The Earth can still die! So she either needs to save it (for some reason. I think she actually just wants to kill off all the humans because they're assholes and they're annoying her) or she needs to leave the planet. And since Vostok's mask rejected her, she can't leave. So now she wants The Others to help her "save" the planet. We all know the planet doesn't really need saving. So I think she just wants to kill the humans.

Aquaman and The Others decide not to deal with her so she begins destroying Hong Kong. Why the urgency? I think she's just had a really bad day. Although it turns out Ya'wara bought into the scheme, so she begins betraying The Others. Of course. I would have guessed Aquaman would have betrayed them because he's not good at having friends. Ya'wara doesn't accomplish much without her kitty cats. While she's failing to defeat The Others, Aquaman uses the magic of his trident to defeat Morgaine le Fay. I think his trident absorbs magic or something. Maybe he just stabbed her with it. I hope he explains how he defeated her on the last page and everybody laughs uproariously.

Ya'wara quits the group but keeps her orb and everybody kind of lives happily ever after. Although the one Apache spirit in Sky's ghostland proves himself to be as inflexible as Aquaman's ancestor Orin. He tells Sky that if she walks with a white man, she'll lose her powers. What a dick! I think he just doesn't care for The Operative's grandson.

Aquaman Annual #1 Rating: Can The Others get their own title already? Not because I'm excited to read a monthly book about them. I just wish they'd let Aquaman star in his own fucking comic book. Stop hogging the spotlight, The Others!

Aquaman #20

For the 2% of readers that thought this book had too much Aquaman, here's an issue about The Others!

Last issue, Aquaman had to deal with a submarine that had found its way stranded on the shoreline.

The Scavenger is just looking for Twinkies?

Okay, so that might actually be an image from a 1979 advert for Hostess Twinkies. But as you can see, Geoff Johns ripped off the plot for Aquaman #19 from this advertisement! Leave it to Geoff Johns to make a Hostess Twinkies advert into actual continuity. I wonder if he ever made the Fruit Pie loving Triklops into a character in his ten year Green Lantern run?

The first thing I notice is that this issue is called Skinwalker. I just recently made some comments in All-Star Western #19 about how I thought The Lone Ranger was actually about a cowboy and a Native American hunting Skinwalkers every episode which is why he needed a silver bullet. The next thing I notice is that this issue wasn't written by Geoff Johns nor drawn by Paul Pelletier and Sean Parsons. Which means I have to change my tags! DC, you guys are jerks! I am so inconvenienced right now! Instead it was written by John Ostrander! Yay! It's drawn by Manuel Garcia! I have no opinion of this because I'm horrible at remembering what many artists have done so far in The New 52. It's inked by Sandra Hope (did she already drop the "Archer"?), Rob Hunter, Ray McCarthy, and Wayne Faucher. That's a lot of ink! I don't normally list the creative team in the commentary but that's because it's usually correct on the cover which I scan! Stupid DC! Stop being stupid or I'll threaten to stop buying your comic books while never actually intending to stop buying them.

After the Skinwalker confronts some nobody under a moon that can't decide how big to be and a field of fireflies (they aren't stars because they keep changing positions!), the scene moves to The Living Room. That's the name of The Operative's plane and headquarters. I guess it remains in the air flying around the world pissing off governments as it ignores air space boundaries and messages from air traffic controllers.

These vigilantes are all the same! The laws don't apply to their shit that doesn't stink, bitches! Hasn't she heard of the Amber Alert system? "Be on the lookout for a full grown man last seen in flying living room with super hero wearing an "I" on his forehead."

Even though the Living Room is constantly changing positions while flying quickly across the sky, Ya'wara manages to teleport herself and Aquaman and Prisoner of War aboard. So she's better at doing calculations than Cyborg who refused to teleport everybody onto the falling Watchtower? That's what's wrong with computers! They can only do what you tell them to do and have no initiative of their own. I should blame Batman for not giving Cyborg the proper instructions.

This is the part where I scan in a picture of Ya'wara because she's nearly naked. People who are offended by awesome boobs and/or the fact that all the men are fully clothed should look away now.

Anybody want to try guessing whose gaze comics are drawn for?

Aquaman is merely making an appearance to give The Others their mission. They must head to the Arizona desert and retrieve an Atlantean Glove that can punch through "steel, stone, or flesh." That's some technology if it can punch through flesh! Someone call the technology police! "Hello, Technology Police? There's a weapon out there that can pierce human flesh! It's been...what? No, no. I'm not talking about toothpicks. See, it's this glove from...hunh? No, not tacks. Not nails. Or knives. Listen to me! It's this super high technology fist that can...stop laughing at me! I'm serious! You need to hunt it...oh, go fuck yourselves!"

That's pretty much how all of my telephone conversations end anyway. That's why I don't have a cell phone. I'm trying to hold on to the few friends I have left by not talking to them.

Back in Arizona, a girl named Sky lives on the Fort Apache Reservation with her brother the cop and her grandmother the medicine woman. Sky can communicate with the dead who tell her of future things and possibilities. She uses her latest bit of information to meet with The Others when they make an emergency landing in the desert. She boards the plane before any of them can get off and immediately tries to take Kahina's Seal of Clarity. She claims it is her gift and since Kahina was a seer, it looks like Sky is supposed to take her place. Sky also mentions that the new owner of Vostok X's helmet has not come forward yet because he's not ready and still underground. And then Sky is nearly eaten by Ya'wara's jaguars.

Well, according to Ya'wara, they aren't HER jaguars, per se. They're just some wild animals that are hanging out with her for some reason.

"Yeah, Sky. This is Kahina. Tell Ya'wara that I would have totally fucked her if I weren't Islamic and married. And could you also show her how to put on a shirt?"

Sky also tells them that she knows who has the Power Glove and why he has it and how to stop him. So they head off to deal with that and then do that! Yay! Success!

Since I summed up the final fight of the comic book so succinctly (and I think Succinctness is the cleanliness of wit or something), here's one more picture of Ya'Wara's boobs before I rate this comic book.

I bet instead of nipples, Ya'wara has little jaguar mouths on her breasts.

Aquaman #20 Rating: No change. This comic book had some well developed characters (pun!) but none of them were Aquaman. So I can't really rate it as an Aquaman comic book! Maybe next month I'll have more opportunities to make fun of Aquaman.