Detective Comics #945

I can't tell if this is going to be a Killer Croc issue or that face is just another member of the Victim Syndicate!

This issue begins with Batman trying to find out what the First Victim said to Spoiler. But Spoiler just points out that if Batman unmasks, nobody will be hurt by the Victim Syndicate. Oh, okay. Is that where we are? We're giving in to terrorist threats now? Because that always works so well! Batman is the answer to terrorist threats! Just like in the first episode of the first season of Black Mirror, nobody should be discussing giving in to the demands no matter what is being threatened! Like when a corporation threatens to move its business out of the country unless it gets a tax break, you can't give in or else it becomes a pattern of behavior that other corporations will exploit! I don't even have children and I understand how this shit works! If you give the stupid bastard a cookie because it won't eat dinner otherwise, it's always going to expect a fucking cookie! And if the kid is smart, the cookie demands will escalate!

Although now that I mentioned Black Mirror, I really wish the First Victim had demanded to see Batman fuck a pig.

Steph points out that the First Victim just wanted to make sure Spoiler was okay. Because they didn't really want to hurt her or anybody else for that matter. They're the good guys here! Anybody they hurt is because of Batman. It's because Batman won't do what they want. How dare Batman not view the world in the way that they view the world and take responsibility for being the terrible person they say he is! What a gross, disgusting, problematic jerko!

In other news, Steph has now been groomed by the Victim Syndicate and she's ready to join the movement! Probably.

Batman just drives around Gotham City in his Batmobile like he's going out on errands. I wonder what insurance company he uses? Does he even need insurance? I bet avoiding tickets from speed cameras, parking tickets, and damages from hit and run accidents are the main reason he has a secret identity. Why bother with insurance when nobody can find you?

Batman begins trying to figure out who The First Victim might be by going over all of the people hurt during his escapades. But so many people have been hurt, he can't remember them all! Unless he can't remember them because the Dionesium that cured his brain also cured his guilt over the victims who he couldn't save. But also, why would Batman want to unmask the First Victim? That seems hypocritical! If he won't unmask, shouldn't he let the First Victim's identity remain secret too?

All of the Batkids are about to have psych evaluations to make sure they're fit for the team. I imagine they only have to score higher than Batman scored on his psych evaluation, right? Do people get scores on these things or is it just a pass/fail kind of thing?

Not a lot of action taking place in this issue as the Bat-Team wait for the Victim Syndicate to attack again. While they're waiting around, everybody contemplates their psychological problems. Batman is guilty and feeling responsible for the collateral damage that takes place when he tries to stop villains from killing and hurting people. Spoiler avoids talking about Tim Drake's death. Clayface deals with his lack of morality caused by using his powers. And Batwoman is having the mother of all Daddy Issues. Kate is also super annoyed that Luke Fox doesn't seem to have any problems. But then she doesn't know about his sister who was fucked up by Ratcatcher. Unless it was something different caused by somebody else!

Meanwhile, The First Victim pays a visit to Thompkins Free Clinic. I hope Jean-Paul Valley gets killed! I've been waiting for that day for so long!

I'm so sick of Batman having to deal with teenagers who think they've got everything figured out!

I don't understand this whole thing about "everybody else's expense." When did Batman become the guy ruining everybody else's lives? If you don't want to work with him because he always lies and has an agenda (an terrible agenda to keep people as safe as possible!), maybe don't work with him! He's not thinking of himself when he takes in young people to try to focus their grief and anger at the world into something positive. If he were thinking of himself, he'd ditch them all. Who needs the headache?! He's not thinking of himself and feeling better by sacrificing his own possibility for a life of happiness just to feel better about himself! Although Spoiler's words might be hitting home a little bit since possibly the only reason Batman took in Tim Drake was to feel better. Because Tim was really the only stable kid who didn't actually need Batman's care and guidance. So why take him in? Probably because it made Batman feel good. So the one selfish act Batman has taken in the past decade or more resulted in Tim's death. That only proves that Batman needs to stop pursuing "feeling better" and get back to kicking the asses of assholes who want to make everybody feel worse.

The Review
No change. Even though technically this feels like an old school Detective Comics book, as I've been saying, it also has signs of bringing Batman closer to the 21st Century. I can feel James Tynion bringing the next generation's beliefs and ideals into the heart of this book. Some of it is super annoying because it's still just young people thinking they know the way of the world while really just being typical young people. But also, it just kind of goes about its business with fitting into a modern sensibility. I mean, sometimes it calls attention to itself like when the word "they" was typed in bold type when Dr. Thompkins references The First Victim, just so, you know, you realize she's using the correct pronoun for describing a person whose gender is unknown. But overall, I don't find myself rolling my eyes at anything other than the way teenagers act. Fucking Spoiler is really getting on my nerves! I don't care if she's mourning! She's making me like Jean-Paul Valley by comparison!

Here's a picture of me with my niece because I look like a fucking superhero here! This must have been taken with some kind of filter!

Detective Comics #938

"Batman With Two Nobodies", Rafael Albuquerque. 2016.

The Review!
This feels like the usual Detective Comics that I've grown to not read for the last thirty years. It just never did it for me and I only picked it up if a story featured a villain I particularly liked. But I guess right now, it's the only comic book on the shelves that has Stephanie Brown fucking Tim Drake. Not in as much detail as the thousands of pages of fanfic you can find online. And not nearly as creepy or horrible as the written sex scenes in people's role play blogs. I shouldn't judge! I'm fairly certain I once masturbated to the Land O'Lakes butter logo. And not after somebody had turned her knees into tits. Just to the regular logo. It was easier than you might think because I was really turned on by that dirty whore Mrs. Butterworth watching.

Now I'm hungry for waffles!

The Commentary!
Here's all I've learned about writing on the Internet for twenty years: a facetious, whimsical person on the internet is exactly like being a known pedophile in prison. I mean, I haven't been shivved in the shower and kicked until all my ribs were broken before having my skull fractured by a club made out of the metal edge of a cot. But metaphorically, I've experienced it! Maybe I'm being too facetious and whimsical in my hyperbole by choosing that metaphor! Maybe it's a little more like poking a wasp's net with a tape recorder that says "Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown are nobodies!" until I'm covered in wasps that can't actually sting but can manage to vocalize the phrase "Kill yourself!" It's my own fault, really! I should know that having a silly laugh over the status of a fictional character is apparently equitable to telling a real life person to end their existence. It's completely deserved! I mean, I could have not captioned the cover the way I did! I had that choice! And by choosing to crack myself up and go with that caption, I must be choosing to be inundated with vitriol and hate! Logic!

No, seriously! That wasn't sarcastic! I totally get the logic of the Internet. No matter what my intent in writing this, or who I might imagine I'm speaking to (generally nobody in particular, but quite often to Doom Bunny because he's the one I've been trying to make laugh since the beginning (even if he rarely reads the blog anymore because he has kids and drinks)), choosing to put it on the Internet turns it into a dialogue. It's a weird kind of dialogue though because I'm an individual speaking in general terms about things I might feel or, as in most cases, don't feel but find funny for some reason or another. But individuals reading something I've written see themselves as the target audience and can be personally offended by something I've written. Obviously it's not personal because I wasn't directing anything at them. But this is how things works. And when they respond, it's absolutely personal because they know they are responding to an individual. So when I say "All dog owners can go jump in a lake!", a dog owner reading this might respond with "Oh yeah, Tess? Why don't YOU go jump in a lake!" See how it works? My statement wasn't a personal attack on any individual dog owner. It was just a general statement caused by something I may have been feeling earlier, like fear when a big ass growling dog came running up to me and the owner was yelling, "Don't worry! He doesn't bite!" You know who I know won't bite me? A fucking dog in your control on a leash not able to get anywhere near me, you asshole. So now I've expressed something to the world in general terms but which certain individuals might consider is directed at them. Like, you know, people who own dogs. But when they tell me to jump in a lake, that's hurtful! Because it's a personal expression of animosity toward an individual! So cruel!

Although if you do take offense at my statement even after the explanation of why I think dog owners should jump in a lake then maybe it is directed at you because you're being awfully defensive. Are you the type of asshole that lets their dog run around off-leash and then half-heartedly calls it's name when it runs off to bug a stranger? So, in a way, when you lash back out at me, I just sit back and smile and think, "Oh look! I just said somebody was an asshole for doing a certain thing and you were upset by that. Which means you must do that thing and, therefore, are an asshole!" Logic!

Although what I'm really trying to say is don't be mean to me no matter how mean I am to anybody else because I can't take it and will probably abandon this blog completely at the first sign of animosity and hate.

So, um, anyway, I think I'll get my tender feelings under control and begin reading this comic book that totally won't make me cry because every time Spoiler is on-panel, I won't be sobbing, "I'm sorry I called you a nobody! Nobody deserves to be called a nobody! Logic!"

Last issue ended during the present so this one, obviously, begins many years ago. Jacob Kane gets some good news and bad news. The good news is he'll be taking on more responsibility in the military by being part of the secret military! The bad news is that he'll never again be promoted or have a raise or any public acknowledgment that he's doing anything except languishing at the rank of Colonel. So everybody in his life is going to think he's a lazy, unambitious good-for-nothing waste of space. Congratulations!

Man, I never needed some authority figure to tell me to be those things! I'm doing them all on my own!

Actually, Jacob Kane learns about The Court of Owls years before Batman does, and also the League of Shadows (who are just the Court of Owls but more dangerous and less into birds).

Also many years ago, Kate Kane promises her father, while standing on her mother's grave, to be a part of her father's team.

Now it's the present and Kate is stomping all over her promise to her father and her father's heart and pissing all over Gabrielle Kane's grave. Metaphorically, of course! I think you need higher than a Teen Plus Rating to show a female peeing on a grave. Although I know you can get away with a guy peeing in a Teen Comic but it must be in an alley with a little blue man watching. So sexist!

Batman was about to get his head blown off at the end of the last issue but Kate and the Batkids saved his ass. Now they're battling the entire Army of Batmen for some reason. Can't they just send a cease and desist? Just threaten Colonel Kane with legal action. That would actually be the best because then Batman could have all of the Wayne and Kane money!

During the escape, Tim Drake runs into Odysseus so they can measure brains. They're both completely unrealistic brains so it's hard to determine which one is bigger. Basically either smarty-pants can do whatever they need to do with electronics or machines, so I think it's a tie. Odysseus escapes by dropping through a concealed trapdoor, exactly the same fashion Kate and the Bat-kids escaped the attack on their base. Does that mean they're exactly the same amount of smart or does that mean Tim loses because he should have seen that coming? I think Tim loses but then I just want to think of Tim as a loser. He's not that smart! And I'm not that envious!

Anyway, Batman, Kate, and the Bat-kids escape, of course. Cassandra does some genius ass kicking, Spoiler does some genius thing to save Red Robin, Red Robin does some genius thing to save them all, Clayface somehow makes more mass than he actually has, and Kate tells her dad to fuck off. I don't think Batman did anything. He was the princess being rescued in this story.

Before escaping, Batman learned that Colonel Kane's Army of Batmen was created to wipe out members of the League of Shadows and that Colonel Kane was operating without the government's knowledge. Well, maybe the government that is thirteen levels of security higher than the regular government knew. But Batman is certain the League of Shadows is a myth and that Kane is going to kill a bunch of innocent people. But how is Batman so sure? He was also fairly certain the Court of Owls wasn't real too! So he's kind of on a 100% never being right about secret societies streak.

Odysseus has built some drones that are mostly machine guns and they're going to go kill all of the suspected terrorists next issue. Hopefully Batman can throw enough batarangs to stop them all. Or maybe he'll just remember The Flash's phone number and ask for a favor.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #6

Guest Starring Pamela Ivy's tits!

The Review or Whatever!
There comes a time in every houseplant's life when they must venture forth into the real world and make their own way. Sometimes their leaving is a natural consequence of maturity, time, and not feeling too embarrassed to try to bring other plants home to fuck in their parent's house. And other times, plants are forced out of the house by an amoral scientist turned monstrous plant that has come round to suck out their stem cells. Get it? They're plants and they have "stem" cells! Ha ha!

Besides Pamela Ivy's tits, Swamp Thing also makes a guest appearance! Why? I don't know! He doesn't do much except tell Poison Ivy her plant children might be evil jerks. And they just might be! But that story will have to never be told because the story ends with Pam's children heading south to wreak havoc on the South. Or maybe they're in search of the Swamp Thing's fat cock. Either way, we'll never know because there's no way this book was popular enough to get a sequel. It was terribly boring. It felt like a rejected script for Murder, She Wrote. I really expected that show to be punk rock because who comes up with the title of a television show that shoves a comma in the middle of it? I don't mean shoving a comma in a title like Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place! That comma isn't doing any work. But Murder, She Wrote? That comma is a fucking star.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #1

Why am I disappointed that Scott Lobdell isn't writing this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm currently caught up on all the regular titles and only have three more annuals to go before I can spend some quality time not putting every thought I have onto the internet. So let's get on with it!

The Master of Robo-Ninja Style Assassinating has found himself skewered on a number of spikes  and hanging over a fire on The Island of Misfit Assassins. The Assassins are all shown in the shadows but since the one that puts the Master of Robo-Ninja Style out of his misery uses claws on his hands and tigers have claws, he's probably Ben Turner.

The "she" is probably Cheshire.

The bounty talk has me confused. There is a half million dollar bounty on each member of the Outlaws. Bronze Tiger says, "You dare step in and take our bounty? You dare side against the likes of us?" I suppose the bounty is being offered by someone other than the League of Assassins? But they want Red Hood so they're trying to keep other people from claiming the bounty since they'd be taking their prey? Perhaps if I hadn't eaten so much candy, I'd be able to focus better.

Back on the island that serves as the Red Hood and the Outlaws' home, Jason Todd has now decided that he wants to know about his past. I knew it! You can't forget your past without the curiosity eventually forcing you to find a way to remember it! So instead of telling Saru to give him back his memories, Jason Todd trusted he didn't want them, left the All or Nothing Acres Wood, and then suddenly needed to know about himself. This whole loss of memory was a stupid idea. I'd really like to know the story behind Lobdell and editorial deciding Red Hood should have his mind wiped.

Since Starfire and Roy are suddenly being coy (Koy? Kori + Roy?) with Jason about his history, he looks himself up on Wikipedia. The main gist of the entry is that he has 83 confirmed kills under his hood. That's pretty good! I mean, bad. That's bad! It should probably be zero. Now look up Batman! What's his kill count?! Come on, I know it's not zero!

Meanwhile Roy is in bed thinking about his past because Kory hates to cuddle with anybody except Dick Grayson.

Oh, and it looks like I was wrong about Hugo Strange never coming back into the story! I'm sure if Lobdell were still writing, he'd have forgotten about it.

The Outlaws are falling apart now that Jason lost his memory. Jason thinks he can trust Roy and Kory but then he reads that he's an international criminal and a killer and he's not sure he can. Roy feels Kori is lying to him about something big (she is! She still loves Dick! No, no. Grayson's dick!), so he's losing his trust in her. And he's remembering how Green Arrow lost trust in Speedy because Speedy would drink a twelve pack of beer when he was doing Naomi's job. And now Roy finds some green arrows on the beach and wonders what that could possibly mean.

He's surprised to discover it means Green Arrow is visiting!

While Roy and Ollie are getting reacquainted, Starfire is busy getting herself killed.

By Cheshire's crotch!

Roy sends Ollie to go protect Red Hood since Red Hood who apparently doesn't have a secret identity since Roy tells Ollie to find Jason (I just can't keep straight who does and doesn't have a secret identity!) while Roy remembers his past with Green Arrow. Hmm, that was quite the miserable sentence! I think Roy is also supposed to be fighting Cheshire and trying to save Starfire's life but sometimes you just have to hesitate for a moment and remember that time in your life when your idol told you there is no fucking way in hell he wants to put a kid's life at risk by allowing him to be his sidekick. And that sentence wasn't much better!

Wait a second. Roy is all fucked up because Green Arrow was, unlike Bruce Wayne, acting responsibly? Boo fucking hoo! Go stick a needle in your arm! Oh yeah, he did!

She's not being sexy! She's talking about fingers! What do fingers have to do with sex?! Stupid Roy!

Cheshire and Roy fight for a bit longer while Cheshire makes everybody reading aware that she wants to fuck him hard and squeeze out a baby named Lian. Is there something about Roy that I'm not seeing? Why does everybody want to fuck him so badly? Haven't they seen how awful his Narration Boxing is? Eventually Cheshire realizes this comic book doesn't have a Teen Plus rating so she blows poison in his face and steals his hat. Then Cheshire Cat's over to Red Hood and Green Arrow for some more sexual assault.

Cheshire poisons Roy again because Roy wasn't done getting his ass kicked. I think that means he's showing love for his friends or moxy or something. Is it possible I've completely lost interest in these characters because of how badly Scott Lobdell handled them?! I just see Cheshire about to paralyze Jason Todd and I think, "Nope, he can't be paralyzed. Scott Lobdell said so." And then Starfire grabs Cheshire and drags her over the ocean while saying, "That actually hurt me," and I think, "Is Scott Lobdell still writing this comic book?!" And then Green Arrow saves Speedy and I think, "I wonder if Scott Lobdell's friend Ann Nocenti wants to tell me about all of Cheshire's toxins and where they come from and how they destroy the biology of the victim!" And then Cheshire says, "You win this round but it's not over yet! I did that thing where I didn't actually want to win because I won by not winning and learned all your power levels and now you're all going to be in very serious trouble, Outlaws!" And I don't think anything because I made that up. But it's close enough to what happened to not show up as a lie when Jesus judges me for my sins!

Now I just have to get through the aftermath before I can take a nap!

Good job, idiot. Now you need another memory wipe!

Speedy yells at Green Arrow because Green Arrow apparently did one thing that Speedy can't forgive him for although Speedy did about fifty bajillion things that Green Arrow has forgiven him for. So fuck you, Roy Harper. You're an immature prick and even if you might have been a likable character at some point, I'll never know it. Because I knew you as Speedy and never liked you. And I knew you when Scott Lobdell was writing you and I fucking hated you. And I'm not as big a man as Green Arrow, so it doesn't look like I'll be forgiving your faults any time soon.

Green Arrow leaves the island and Jason Todd stows away on board his heliflippitor. And then the big shocking reveal!

Well, now Jesus really can't say I was lying! Although prognostication might be a witchy power that He's not cool with.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #1 Rating: Angsty!