Secret Origins #2

Oh shit. Who allowed Scott Lobdell to tell Starfire's origin?!

It's that time of the month! Time for more Secret Origins that nobody really fucking needs to read! Okay, maybe some people would like to know more about these characters. I shouldn't assume that everybody else has been reading DC Comics for the last thirty years as well! So shall we just fucking get on with it then?

Batman
The first story is about Batman's origin! That's an easy one! I can do it with just a few words! Zorro. Mugging. Death. Pearls. Sadness. Bat. Justice!

It looks like DC is going to be a bit long-winded about it.

At least DC's story has pictures.

I don't know who the Narrator is. It's just some Gothamite telling the story of how not just Bruce Wayne was changed by the death of his parents, but the entirety of Gotham! From that tragedy, they learned that random chance could cut any of their threads at any time! And that apparently sent Gotham over the edge and into madness! How can one's mind comprehend the terrible tragedy of a chaotically random universe?! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Spoiler Alert: You never learn how to get there! You do learn how to attempt to stop the tide from coming in with your bare hands. But that other thing where nobody dies tragically in violent acts? Yeah, you never learn to stop that. Sorry!

Bruce travels the world to learn to stop random acts of violence and psychotic madmen. This one time, he trained under a monkey with cybernetic limbs. I wish this story was that story! But it isn't. Instead, this story is just a composite of panels inspired by back-up stories in previous Batman comic books. A panel which shows how Batman learned to fight to the death without any death and a panel where Batman learned how to solder from a silly monkey and a panel where Batman learned how to drive a stick shift. A page where The Red Hood teaches him an important lesson.

This is that lesson that we all eventually learn. It's the one about not being able to go home again. It's just that most of us don't get hit in the face with a mace when we learn it. Just me and Batman, apparently.

And so Bruce realizes what he's been doing wrong all along! He's been fighting without a ridiculous costume! That's the way to a world free from random violence! A man in a bat costume that carries away children that don't eat their vegetables! Well, actually, that part of the story from Martha can probably be changed a bit. Maybe carry away murderers or something. Anyway, the idea can be refined later! Right now, Alfred needs to get that fucking bat out of the house! It might be rabid! Eeeek!

Batman Origin Rating: No change. If there was anything new here, somebody else will have to explain it to me! I think the idea that he chose to be a bat not simply because a bat flew through the window but because his mother told him cautionary tales about them to get him to eat his vegetables, and because he once learned to shock his enemies. That might be the itty bitty twist that was put on the origin here.

Aquaman
Okay! I think I can do Aquaman's origin in just a few words as well! Woman. Grunion. Spanish Fly. Freak baby! No wait! That's my origin! I think Aquaman's has something to do with a man fucking a mermaid! That's nearly the same thing.

The best part of the origin takes place between the panels. You know! The part that takes place between the sheets!

The rest of the origin is really nothing new. It's already been covered in the pages of Aquaman except maybe with a bit less detail. Aquaman comes out the day of his high school graduation after which his dad dies, he kills Black Manta's father, and he ditches all of his friends. Then he meets some boring super heroes that he dubs "the Others" before ditching those friends to join the Justice League! Later, he ditches those assholes to become King of Atlantis and to stop all manner of monsters from eating anything at all. The end!

Aquaman Origin Rating: No change. This was pretty much a matter of fact retelling of the important bits of Aquaman's life up until this moment. The most important bit seems to be the part where Arthur's friend Danny basically set Aquaman on the path that would cause Aquaman to give up trawling with him. So why was he being such a whiny douche at the high school reunion about Art ditching him? Jerko!

Starfire
Starfire's origin is even easier to tell than the other two heroes! She was born an alien and thus has special powers that are natural to her alien race! There might also be some parts in there about slavery and not wanting to be a part of slavery (especially the slave part of slavery) or something. Probably a bit about how strong it made her and how it taught her to wear very little clothes.

That's the problem, Kori! You renounced your warrior ways publicly! That's basically like saying "Free slaves!" to the rest of the warrior races!

The Tamarans are invaded by The Citadel who are being controlled by the Dominators who have some kind of deal with Helspont. So, you know, whatever aliens Scott Lobdell could think up at the time he wrote this. And since he only writes while he's taking a shit, he didn't have a lot of time to think up any more aliens than this or else he would have thrown them omni in for super duper loads of excitement.

Just like it always happened, Blackfire is put on the throne as a puppet queen and Kori is sent into slavery to keep her in line and keep the people of Tamaran sad. Also Kori is kept sad too! Because of the slavery.

Some other stuff happens where she eventually gets sold into slavery aboard the S.S. Starfire. It's there that she fights back and leads the slaves to revolt and overthrows her slave masters! All in the skimpiest underwear any space princess has ever worn!

Starfire Origin Rating: No change. Once again, this story mostly covered old material without presenting any new or interesting themes. Relatively boring.

While the first Secret Origins showed some promise and made me think I was wrong to instantly despise this new series, this issue ruined all of that new found goodwill! It wasn't awful, so I'm not dropping its rank any. But it just didn't contain any sparks of insight or interesting themes. Batman's story was probably the most interesting. The other two just felt like rehashed hash. I know this series isn't really for me since I'm a Master Comic Book Reader and I've read everything published with "The New 52" stamped on the front, but I was still hoping for, at the very least, some new perspectives on the characters. So far, Greg Pak's take on Superman from his two mothers' points of view was the best new origin and the one everybody else should look to on how to make these origins fresh.

Futures End #4

Frankenstein was a founding member of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Five years from now, Frankenstein is five years more pissed off with SHADE than he was five years ago. By "five years ago", I mean "now." Time is confusing when you actually think about it. The only thing you really need to know is that it will eventually betray you. It will wear you down physically, mentally, and emotionally until the day it finally gives you the finger and turns out the lights. But time relentlessly moving forward wouldn't seem so bad without our fucking memories reminding us how things used to be. Time is trying to drag us away from the past but our minds force us to live in a psychotropic mixture of past, present, and future thought. Without our brains ability to remember and foresee, we'd simply live in the moment. We'd never know we'd gotten older or more feeble because whatever our current physical and mental state would, to our perception, have simply always been our current physical and mental state. Old age and death would catch us by surprise which, frankly, is the way I'd prefer it! Next Christmas, I'm going scream venomously at my parents for raising me to experience time and nostalgia and desires and dreams! Couldn't they have just stuck me in a dark room where I slept when tired and ate when food was put before me?! I hate them for giving me a human life!

Anywhat, Frankenstein has tracked down SHADE's Ant Farm because he wants to shove a sword up Father Time's vagina (I don't mean for that to come across as a misogynistic statement of violence toward women! I just liked the juxtaposition of the words "Father" and "vagina"). Frank's pissed that SHADE has been putting surveillance equipment up the asses of Polar Bears and keeping track of Frank while he lives a life of solitude up in the arctic. But Father Time has a new Agent of Shade to protect his vagina and his other parts that are equally as important.

Having to sew your parts back on is a poor substitute to a regenerative ability.

Father Time starts blah blah blahing about how Frank really came back because he truly desires to become an agent once more. While he's doing that, he misses an ample opportunity to make a really good acronym! He mentions that SHADE is the greatest weapon against "supernatural chaos and paranormal evil." That's SCAPE! Now he just needs to come up with some words to form GOAT and Father Time has a fantastic new acronym for a villainous HYDRAesque enemy! SCAPEGOAT: Supernatural Chaos And Paranormal Evil Generating Opportunistic Apocalyptic Threats. Or something. I'm sure Azz and Giff and Jurg and Lemmy thought up a pretty good one and will reveal it later. That SCAPE thing seems too spot on acronymmy to not be a premeditated acronym.

"Almost as old"? I suppose depending on how you define when Stormwatch began, that could mean Father Time began SHADE before Merlin began watching the storms, or it could mean Father Time was born before the universe was born. He is Father Time! I guess that makes sense!

Father Time points out how Stormwatch was destroyed by an unknown entity (probably THE CANCELLATOR!) out in deep space. Stormwatch. Killed. With lots of super duper uber super heroes. In no time flat. So what does Father Time want to do? Send Frankenstein and Amethyst into space to investigate! This is beginning to sound like a B Movie! "FRANKENSTEIN ON MARS! You won't believe your eyes! Mostly because the effects will be laughable and nobody really tried nailing the script down to a coherent plot."

Father Time convinces Frank to head into space because Nina From the Black Lagoon had just joined Stormwatch and was killed in the massacre. So he's playing on Frank's desire to always get revengeance on his enemies. And to get into deep space, Ray Palmer has developed a method of quick travel that shrinks people down and sends them through the Phantom Zone. Well, maybe it doesn't shrink them down as well. But it wouldn't surprise me.

Meanwhile in New York, Cal Corcoran, formerly known as Red Robin, formerly known as Tim Drake, formerly known as something else (unless it was his parents that changed their name when they went into hiding and Tim kept the family name), is jogging with his girlfriend whose name is Madison Payne. Get it? She's a "mad pain"!

See? Stop prying! What a pain in the bat-ass!

While jogging, Tim gets his first glimpse of Batman Beyond on some ubiquitous television screen. And he instantly gets all judgmental on Bruce.

That's a bit unfair. Bruce never asked you to be a fucking Robin. That was your choice and your screw up and you didn't really leave him with much of a choice after you nearly got your parents killed! At least, you know, in The New 52 version of you!

Bruce did the best he could with the editorial demanded sidekick to appeal to younger readers! It wasn't his fault that time moved and comic books took a darker, more adult turn. Bruce isn't the asshole that decided to leave it up to the readers (or reader seeing as how the vote was practically rigged!) as to whether or not Jason Todd would live! Bruce wasn't the magic bald shaman writer that created Damian just so Damian could die! Leave Bruce alone! He's just trying to make his way the only way he knows how! He can't help it if that's just a little bit more than the law will allow!

I haven't seen the credits yet for this issue but I'm sensing a Keith Giffen Breakdown Layout deal! All of these pages have his signature six panels of equal size foundation!

Meanwhile across a few six panel pages, The Key and Plastique are trying to hire Coil for a new job. Coil is on parole and has decided to go legit. But I suppose they're going to have a job that intrigues him enough to change his mind. Or Plastique is going to just blow his head off.

I don't recognize Coil. They mention that Flash took him down otherwise I might have thought he was Ann Nocenti's Coil even if he does look quite different. But since that Coil was awful, I'm just going to forget he even existed now.

That last job concerns a break in at Terrifitech. So one way or the other, it really will be a last job, won't it?

Meanwhile Grifter has now begun murdering innocent people in self-help groups. And his Narration Boxes are getting bigger and bigger as he continues to try to justify his horrendous behavior.

King Faraday needs Cole Cash's They Live Vision and until he gets it, everybody gets to think of Grifter in the same terms that I do! I hope he gets the death penalty! Normally I don't believe in capital punishment but I'll make an exception for Grifter.

Futures End #4 Rating: No change. When are things going to get exciting? When are more super heroes going to die?! Where are the aliens and the Bugbots and the Cancellator and pictures of the dead Teen Titans?! I suppose the creative team thinks they can allow the plot to move along slowly since it continues every fucking week. Batman Eternal took a few weeks to get interesting as well. And I can't say this isn't interesting. But it's definitely moving slowly.

Futures End #3

This Mister Terrific's tattoos are all wrong. Where is the real Michael Holt?!

I've been putting the weekly books at the top of my stack every week. Except last week, my comic book store was shorted Futures End #3. So I didn't pick it up until last Wednesday. At least I'll be able to read Issue #3 and #4 back to back.

Five years in the future, Green Arrow is dead. Super heroes across the world are pretending to be sad. Lois Lane is up to some Foucalt's Pendulum bullshit. Batman Beyond has traveled back in time thirty years to stop Brother Eye from turning all the heroes into Bugbots. Grifter is having a psychotic break and murdering people because he thinks they're Daemonites. Lots of other cancelled DC characters are busy trying to get back into the spotlight. And Mister Terrific is the third most evil man on New Earth. The world is on the brink of a path toward inevitable destruction. And Batman Beyond can't get help from Batman because Batman will throw him in Arkham Asylum. Although Bruce Wayne did help Jonah Hex when he did some time traveling, so maybe he will help Terry. At least up until Terry points out that he's going to kill Mister Terrific and destroy a Wayne Industries billion dollar satellite.

While Frankenstein discovers SHADE is still keeping tabs on him, Firestorm is having a lover's quarrel with himself.

Well, the female hotties don't exist.

Jasonstorm is going a little bit insane inside the Slash Fiction Matrix. I imagine it's a lot like solitary except instead of having nobody to talk to, you have one really stupid jock to talk to. I think that's worse. I bet Ronniestorm will also go a little bit crazy having his head on fire twenty four hours a day.

Grifter continues to create long winded Narration Boxes although they're far less nonsensical than when Edmondson or Liefeld were writing them. Although once I saw the kinds of things Grifter was thinking in his first appearance in Wildcats, I began to realize that Edmondson was just being true to his character! Edmondson was writing him poorly because that's how Grifter had always been written! Tons of stupid internal monologues that barely made any sense. So technically, Azzarello and Giffen and Lemire and Jurgens are writing Grifter poorly by making him seem normal and comprehensible.

Grifter's main super power is the ability to see Daemonites even when they're disguised as humans. But his They Live vision has been evolving lately. Now he can tell if somebody is a refugee from Earth 2 or if they're any kind of shapeshifter at all, from Martians to punning bendy men. Grifter has teamed up with a computer whiz named Justin. He's just a chubby kid who was almost turned into a Daemonite when Grifter came along and killed his family. Now they work together hunting shapeshifters and aliens hiding amongst us.

Mister Terrific is keeping an eye on Batman Beyond since the jerk broke into his corporation. He's either too concerned with the break in security to realize he's giving money to homeless Dick Grayson or else he's actively financing Dick Grayson and this is how he transfers the funds. Also, it seems I think everybody is Dick Grayson. Turns out I was close about the bartender of The Wounded Duck except off by one generation.

No wonder Lois's website is so popular. She publishes speculation and hearsay. I guess that's easier than investigating and research.

Futures End #3 Rating: No change. We just barely touched base with a whole bunch of characters this issue, so there wasn't a lot to really talk about. Although if that article Lois published about Red Robin is at least partially true, I'm ecstatic! In five years time, The Teen Titans will all have gotten themselves killed? Great! Although Beast Boy must still be alive since he has to train the Teen X-Men in a few years, according to Teen Titans Annual Number Suck.

Batman Loves Superman #11

Is that Rebis?!

Last issue of Doomed, Superman learned to control his rage. Normally he doesn't have any rage because he was raised by a couple of tea totaling do-gooders who taught him that rage was the devil's lubricant. But ever since Clark tangoed with Doomsday, he's been having a little trouble being happy and knowing it. But Wonder Woman convinced him that he could stop being a major dickhole if he truly believed, and so he believed. He seems better now. I guess that's the end of Doomed!

Superman's next problem is that Lois Lane basically gave the location of ground zero of Wonder Woman's battle with Infected Superman as Clark Kent's apartment. Tongues are going to wag!

This issue is called "Danger Zone" because it was written by Sterling Archer, I guess.

Hooray! The Fortress of Solitude is back in the Arctic!

Batman finds Krypto sick on the doorstep because Superman hasn't installed a doggy door. Wonder Woman and Steel join Batman so they can investigate Clark's secret things. I wonder if Batman's tongue would stick to Steel's armor?

Once inside the Fortress of Solitude, Batman decides to give up on his Master Detective Skills and follow a dog. He thinks Krypto is after Doomsday but what the fuck does Bruce know about Krypto? He could be after Kryptonite Greenies. Krypto dives into the Phantom Zone because that irresponsible Superdick left the fucking portal open. Maybe all the paranoid assholes of Earth are correct! Maybe Superman is a danger to Earth simply because he's an absent-minded asshole filling his home with loads of dangerous items. Just a matter of time before he leaves out a weapon that will wind up destroying the world.

Anyway, even though Batman and Wonder Woman know little about The Phantom Zone, they follow a sickly dog into it. Fuck them. Good riddance. Anybody dumb enough to make that move doesn't deserve to continue living in the DC Universe! Except Krypto! Come on, boy! You can find your way out! Come on! You can do it!

Okay. I guess Superman briefed his fellow Justice League members on this place. That makes stupid logic.

Inside the Phantom Zone, Batman and Wonder Woman discover Mongul and a Kryptonian named Non dry humping a huge crack in the sky. I know this is a prison world but that's some weird behavior. Wonder Woman thinks so too, so she closes the crack so she doesn't have to watch the spectacle.

I wonder where Mongul parked Warworld?

Inside the Phantom Zone, the Super Friends and their little dog make a new friend: Ghost Soldier! I know, you probably don't remember him because it's such a stupid name. Although maybe that's why you'd remember him. Superman kicked his ass in Action Comics a few issues ago. Now he's helping to stop Doomsday because he was part of The Tower that freed Doomsday. It all makes sense if you want it to and you don't have me explaining it in a way that makes it sound like it doesn't make sense.

And after making a new friend, they meet the Evil Mr. Smartypants behind The Phantom Zone's new look and feel.

Oh yeah! I keep forgetting about this jerk.

Currently Superman is sitting around with Lex Luthor staring at him over a cup of coffee. Probably. I don't really know since half of the title characters have yet to appear in this issue.

Xa-Du, being a stereotypical Evil Mr. Smartypants, decides to tell Wonder Woman and Batman how this whole Doomsday mess began. Why not? They're not going to live to escape The Phantom Zone anyway, right? WRONGO BUSTER! That's just the kind of Evil Mr. Smartypants' thinking that gets all Evil Mr. Smartypantses into trouble! When are y'all going to learn to zip your fucking lip and just start killing shit? I'm so disappointed in all of you! ALL OF YOU!

I think that other gift was Doomsday.

While Batman and Wonder Woman and Krypto waste time listening to Xa-Du blab about ancient history, the Kryptonian Non escapes from The Phantom Zone! And since the only person standing in his way is Steel, New Earth is probably fucked.

Except Wonder Woman returns to save the day. They all return! Even Krypto! And especially Batman! And tagging along behind them: Xa-Du! I guess he's supposed to know how to save Superman or something.

Batman Loves Superman #11 Rating: No change. It was a decent enough comic book and it starred Krypto, so I give it a solid pass. The only bad part is how it ended explaining that the next Chapter of [Infected] will take place in Superman #31. I currently have that comic book in my stack of comics to read and it doesn't have the Doomed Chapter 4 text on the cover. So I'm hoping DC changed their minds and kicked Lobdell off the Doomed story arc! Except Superman has bony growths on his face on the cover and Lois Lane is acting like Brainiac. So I think my hope was born dead.

Here is where Pelafina sits and yells at me while I read comic books in my office.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31

Lobo's arm is three times thicker than Starfire's waist. And Red Hood's head is about to be flatter than her ass.

Last issue ended with the return of Lobo from the Magenta Timeline. He's recently purchased a gun that can tattoo planets and he has it in mind to tattoo the fuck out of the Earth. But first he might be forced to engage in a civil discourse with Twat Lobo about which one of them is the real Lobo. In comic books, "real" doesn't have any significance. But I assure you, this Lobo is the real Lobo! If you don't agree with me, you're wrong. It doesn't matter that you're wrong since this is a comic book and, as I just said, reality doesn't hold its form very well in the pages of comic books. But you can still be wrong in the manner of having no taste because you enjoy stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say "sorry not sorry" all the time.

I think "stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say 'sorry not sorry' all the time" describes three-fourths of the users on Twitter.

Why should he be scared? There's not white dwarf close enough to our solar system to fuck us if it were turned into a black hole. Perhaps he just meant the radiation from the explosion when he blows the star into fuck all. But then he really wouldn't have to mention the black hole! I don't think Lobo knows how to threaten people correctly.

This is Lobo acting cocky and telling Roy all of his plans because Lobo doesn't remember what his actual role is in comic books anymore: that of a punching bag. When a character comes along and turns out to be the biggest bad-ass in the universe, his only real career choice is to be used to prove how bad-ass the good guys are when they kick his ass. I have a feeling that's going to happen here in a few pages. Speedy is about to take down Lobo! Remember that thing I said earlier about "reality" having no place in comic books?

Speedy brings up the same point I brought up about the black hole being too far from Earth and Lobo says, "Let me finish." Fuck me! I don't want to think like Roy Harper! But then Lobo continues with his plan and it's practically the whole radiation from the explosion deal but more focused and directed through Lobo's own will. It sounds pretty fucking convoluted when he has a gun that will do the same thing to the Earth if he'd just point it at the Earth. Enough with your cosmic death ray trick shots, Lobo! This is why you get defeated! Keep it simple, bastich!

Starfire and Jason Todd arrive in time to save Roy Harper from dying immediately. But they're still going to have to save him from dying slowly since parking a space ship on Lobo isn't the end of the fight.

Why couldn't Lobo have done this to Roy?

I have a feeling a good portion of the rest of his comic book is going to be a big brawl. I'll be back to comment if it gets interesting for some reason. In the meantime, listen to some waiting room music.

Um. You'll have to take care of the music part on your end. Sorry.

Okay I'm back! You should have sat around listening to music for about five minutes if you want to recreate the experience correctly. So the battle ends with Jason Todd and Kori defeated. The only person left to save the day is Speedy! Remember that thing I said earlier about Speedy taking down Lobo? That's probably happening soon, no matter how ludicrous it might seem. Anyway, how does he save everybody?

Nanotech is another word for magic.

Roy saves the day by using his brains to reprogram Lobo's weapons and turn the weapons around on Lobo. The how or why of it doesn't really matter since we all understand technobabble and Nanogods out of machines, right? The real point wasn't how Roy excitingly defeats Lobo (because it wasn't exciting at all). The real point was about that thing you might remember I said earlier. You know, about the punching bag?

Yes, Roy defeated Lobo. He's magnificent. Is there a word that sounds like "hooray" but actually means "yawn"? That's the word I want to use here.

Meanwhile, Lobo and his henchmen were teleported somewhere across the galaxy. Lobo checks out Roy's Roybot and discovers how he pulled off his little trick by doing the same thing to his coworkers. And just like that, Lobo has a weapon to sell thanks to Speedy! That's theft of intellectual property, you jerk!

Which is basically what Twat Lobo says when he finally catches a sign of Lobo. Dammit! First I'm thinking like fucking Roy Harper, and now I'm thinking like that idiot Twat Lobo! I hate myself! Although the last page of the comic book does allow me to say this phrase one more time: remember that thing I said about Lobo and Twat Lobo engaging in civil discourse?

Sorry not sorry.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31 Rating: No change. This was basically a typical Lobo appearance. The best part was how Lobo just kind of took it all in stride since he still wound up with a piece of technology that he could sell. The worst part was how Roy Harper survived an encounter with Lobo.

New Guardians #31

Carol's vagina is smoking.

Last issue was the Annual and it was important because Kyle Rayner winked out of existence at the end of it. So if you skipped the Annual, you might be a little bit confused when this story begins and Kyle Rayner doesn't exist anymore. He may have never existed. If that's the case, I want my one hundred and two dollars and sixty seven cents back, DC. How dare you sell me stories that never happened!

The first page pretty much tells you everything you need to know if you skipped the $4.99 Annual. So congratulations to all the smart ass motherfuckers that did that! You win! I wonder if DC would just publish one book each year that contained all the editorial notes that remind the reader what happened and in what issues. Could I just buy that every year?

"Red Hood was killed back in that issue where he was killed--Terrific Tom!"
"Remember how G'nort fucked that lot lizard back in issue #22?--Know-it-all Ned!"
"Mister Terrific was circumcised by Mindfuck way back in Issue #0!--Cavortin' Kate!"
"The universe was brought to the brink of destruction by Jimmy Olsen's sentient anal warts in Jimmy Olsen, Superman's Pest #262!--Lovable Lulu LaDanda"
"Kyle Rayner's double, Oblivion, was introduced in GL: New Guardians Annual #2! On sale now! But you don't need to buy it because we just summarized it here in four panels!--Chris the Smart Ass"

But after the summary, this is how the issue really begins:

I don't know what Kyle is trying to catch in his mouth but I have my super gay suspicions.

Kyle Rayner is now on a Lovecraftian journey of fear and self-discovery. Although, in the Lovecraftian sense, self-discovery is really just a journey to find monsters. Nobody ever really learns anything about themselves! They just learn that maybe they should have ignored the weird shit they decided not to ignore which either eventually gets them killed, drives them mad, very nearly gets them killed, or very nearly drives them mad. I don't think there are any other options unless you're lucky enough to be a character in one of his dream cycles. Characters in those fared much better than the other stories.

I think! I've only read like one story by Lovecraft. And I wrote that one myself!

That last paragraph was a lie. But you shouldn't be believing anything I write anyway! It'll only lead you to madness or death or near death or near madness!

Here's some proof as to the Lovecraftian journey thing. See all that narrating?! And a journey to a mysterious city! And unknown powers? All we need now is an ancient god and the Necronomicomicon!

The city Rayner finds is a dead city because I was right! Also the cover kind of was a hint with the "dead world" blurb screaming into my eyeballs. Kyle has a vision of when the world was alive. It was full of flying squirrel people with nuclear technology that they couldn't control! Or maybe they were invaded by alien squirrels. Or perhaps there was a time traveling accident when they went back in time to gather the nuts of the past and got into a war with their past selves which destroyed the world tree. Perhaps they just all got distemper.

Somehow Kyle gets the idea that he needs to burrow deeper into the world. I'm not questioning how he knows this because he has cosmic super powers and I'm just a filthy jerk that needs to hop in the shower. Kyle also has fungus creatures growing out of his footprints. I said also because I'm pretty sure I have fungus creatures growing out of my footsteps too!

Anyway, Kyle realizes this dead planet was once a living planet like Mogo. And he suspects that with his new and amazing abilities, he might be able to resuscitate it.

Oh my god! This is terrifying! Does that mean someone can dig down into Mogo and crush her heart? I remember when he was blown to smithereens. She didn't have a heart floating around! And bones! And intestines! Just a bunch of rocks!

The planet tells a cautionary story of sentient beings and how they'll rape the shit out of you, shit the rape out of you, and generally just engage in completely destructive and dickheaded behavior. This planet had brothers and sisters and they all tried to be good planets where creatures could grow and thrive! And they all learned to regret it when they were killed by the creatures living on them. All of the planets but one David Duchovny planet. It was a David Duchovny planet because it trusted no one and not because it was addicted to fucking other planets. I just wanted to make that clear. Perhaps I should have just called it "mistrustful" instead of calling it "David Duchovny." I think I don't believe in writing clearly and concisely!

Also this planet did not live to regret the horrible behavior of its occupants either.

Because it killed itself to keep them from killing it. Smart move! I sometimes dream about burning down the house just to destroy my noisy downstairs neighbors. But then I realize I can just choke the fuck out of them in a blind rage some day, which is a totally more sane choice.

It's not just the noise that causes intense and very rational anger at the other occupants of my domicile. I occupy the top floor of a house that was turned into four units. Downstairs is split three ways and currently occupied by musicians and jerks. My apartment opens onto the backyard where I spend my time writing when it's warm so I don't have to hear the evil and immoral activities of the other tenants. I have a statue garden in the backyard where five different statues of various things stand in a group. One day, I noticed a ceramic angel that had belonged to my grandmother was in the front yard and the stone, featureless human head had moved to the side of the house (which was creepy because it's the kind of statue that I can see moving itself). I put the statues back and left a note to the property manager which read partly: "I can't believe I even have to broach this subject but could you please explain to the other tenants that stealing my statuary is wrong." The asshole who took the angel's reason for taking it? "I didn't know it belonged to anybody." That's going to be my excuse at my trial for his premeditated murder: "I didn't know his life belonged to anybody."

Anyway, this insane planet (which fulfills the role of the Lovecraftian god and the needed insanity) did not kill itself. So it's not as insane as its actions are making it out to be. It just wanted to take over the universe and make everything think the same way that it thought. But it's brother (MOGO!) decided it should probably die. And he killed it.

This planet's name is Raga and Kyle is beginning to regret bringing it back to life. He also still hasn't learned why he suddenly appeared on it after uncreating himself. I suppose it's part of his inner journey to discover that monsters are real and that the universe is a chaotic mess that doesn't just randomly try to kill you but actively pursues that goal. But by the end of the tragic story (I don't know which parts are tragic but I'm pretty sure I'm having the feelings associated with just having read a tragic story. You know, sexual frustration, disconnected apathy, and a general malaise of the soul?), Kyle has learned a few soul searching things about himself.

I hate when characters learn they can't do things on their own because I'm trying so hard to only do things on my own! I don't want to learn lessons that teach us the human condition is about standing on each others' shoulders and being cordial to strangers and not killing noisy neighbors. So stupid.

New Guardians #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. I actually kind of liked the story of an angry planet that wanted to seed the universe with pieces of its angry self so that the entire universe could become a seething ball of hatred and frustration! That's the kind of universe I believe in!

Birds of Prey #31

Batgirl is the magician with the birds up her sleeves. Hopefully she makes Condor disappear.

Issue #31 has got to be the issue where we finally learn the reason that the Birds of Prey exists as a group! It's possible Black Canary brought them together to investigate rumors of that guy that never existed and his invisible henchman although I'm not entirely convinced of that. I feel it's more probable that she brought together all of the people who had suspicions that she killed Kurt Lance so that she could keep an eye on them. If she saw any hint that they were going to sell her out to the police or to Amanda Waller or to some secret government agency that everybody fucking already knows about anyway, she could scream in their faces until their eyes melted and their ears blew out. It's also entirely possible that she was just fucking lonely and the only people that would hang out with her were psychotic killers and Batgirl.

People have been lamenting the end of this comic book, so I guess it's been cancelled. Although I don't know why people are sad because this book has been horrible. It's been better since Christy Marx took over but she committed one glaring error: she never killed off Condor. What DC really should have done was cancel this after Swierczynski's run and then given it to Marx to reboot a few months later. This book just needs some direction and the death of one character and it could be really fun.

This issue is called "Death Jump"?! Do I dare hope that describes the actions of a certain purple headed maroon?!

This Singaporean guy has the ability to teleport like a Blink Dog if you're nerdy enough to know what those are. If you aren't nerdy enough, they're dogs that can teleport like this Singaporean guy! But they're not as mean as he is. This guy is a killer and I think Blink Dogs are friendly unless you take their food or hit them with a souvenir baseball bat.

Jesus Christ, how many more problems is Gordon going to have to deal with? He should fucking retire already.

This takes place before Gordon winds up in Blackgate, so at least Gordon doesn't realize he has a lot of shit to deal with yet. Although he might be dealing with Ricky's lawsuit and now he's going to have to try not to die while not losing hundreds of thousands of dollars as well. Maybe getting killed by Axton is the simple way out. Oh! I know! They can disguise Condor as Jim Gordon and let Condor get killed! That'll solve everybody's problems, especially mine!

Over on Mother Eve's Immortality Cruises, Kurt Lance is pretending he doesn't know Black Canary because he fell in love with somebody else when he woke up from his coma. I forgive him for falling in love with Condor at first sight though. Kurt hasn't had a chance to realize how fucking idiotic the bastard really is.

Or maybe Kurt really does have brain damage. I bet he'd remember Amanda Waller though!

The Birds of Prey become involved in the whole Axton trying to kill Gordon affair (that'll be the name of my first spy thriller: That Whole Axton Trying To Kill Gordon Affair) because Batgirl seems attached to Gordon for some reason. I know he's her dad but is that supposed to mean they have some kind of emotional connection or something? If I had to judge all child/father relationships by my own relationship with my father, I'd say that Batgirl thinks of him as some guy that was never around and now wants to be really close friends for some reason. Stop trying so hard, Dad! Just make sure I'm in the will and we'll be square! Especially if you have some teleporting assassin after you.

Who am I kidding? My father's will can probably fit on a cocktail napkin! He could have been a millionaire and retired on his Intel stocks if he hadn't been a raging alcoholic that decided to sell all of his employee stocks as soon as he got them to fuel his next blackout! Now I have to be responsible for my own person instead of living large on a hefty inheritance? Thanks a lot, jerko!

The Birds of Prey make a plan to capture Axton. Hopefully they remember to pick up Strix since she's their heavy hitter. While they're making plans to stop Axton, Axton is foiling their plans and currently kidnapping Gordon.

Don't worry, Babs! This story takes place before Batman Eternal! So he'll be fine! For now.

Luckily for the Birds of Prey, Axton doesn't kill Gordon immediately. That's also lucky for Gordon! Axton wants to hunt him like a virgin in a labyrinth. Perhaps if this is a Minotaur's Labyrinth analogy, Condor gets to be Icarus!

I think I spend too much time hoping for Condor's death. But I had a really shitty day today, so I'm really fucking hoping for something that would make me extremely happy and put me forever in Christy Marx's debt.

By working together (mostly by Strix just getting stabbed eighteen thousand times), the Birds of Prey manage to subdue Axton without anybody getting hurt! Boo! Hiss! Couldn't just one person have gotten hurt? Seriously hurt? Mortally hurt!

Why don't you just let it drop, Gordon! Your son was a dick!

And then the issue ends with Batgirl worrying about her dad for some reason. He's a grown man. He can take care of himself. Unless your boyfriend sues him for every last cent. That might take the wind out of his sails a bit and send him spiraling into a depression from which he'll never recover.

Birds of Prey #31 Rating: No change. I was so hoping Condor would die. If Christy Marx kills Condor, Birds of Prey will rocket to the top spot on my New 52 Chart! It will deservedly knock Batman and Robin from the top spot. And if it's the final issue, it will retire with a #1 Ranking! That will probably send people out to buy Swierczynski's trades. After which, they'll probably curse me and wonder what the fuck is wrong with my ability to review comic books.

Wonder Woman #31

Last issue ended with Hades getting his head blown out by the First Born. I don't know if that's very serious or if he can just be relit later like a pilot light gone out. Whatever the case, the dead have taken this opportunity to leave Hades and take a bit of a holiday in London. They don't seem to be causing any trouble though. It's not like zombies returning to feast on the living. The souls returned from Hades just seem to be taking in the sites and enjoying themselves. It seems only Hermes and Dio can see them, so they're not even causing a panic.

Meanwhile on Paradise Island, Diana is trying to convince the Amazons that babies are a fun thing to have around! She's currently Queen of the Amazons while Hippolyta remains a statue, and Diana simply needs free daycare for Zeke. So like any great leader, she's lying her ass off to her people and pretending that babies are cute and adorable and necessary instead of disgusting, smelly, noisy, and completely dispensable.

She currently lives in London! According to a Londoner, those are totally pants!

Artemis feels like Wonder Woman isn't embracing her role as the God of War. Artemis is probably right. This new God of War prefers mercy and compassion over drinking whisky and walking around barefoot in blood.

Hermes and Dio take a road trip to hell to find out what happened to Hades. What they find out is like something from a Coen Brothers' movie. Cassandra is feeding Hades to his father Cronus over and over again. I suppose Cassandra is lucky that the food falls out of a hole in Cronus's stomach because it would be even worse if she had to wait for Hades to be fully digested.

Over on Paradise Island, Zeke is kidnapped. Or wanders away. Or turned back into Zeus and went off to watch the Amazons bathe. One of those. The moral of the previous sentences is that when everybody wants your baby, you should probably keep a pretty good eye on it.

At least Dessa isn't buying into the babies are beautiful bullshit!

Dessa so isn't buying into the New Raising A Boy on Paradise Island Agenda that she hurls herself off of the cliff. But first she gives Zeke to Diana because she's not a child killer.

Hephaestus also brought along all of his children, the sons of Paradise Island.

And then Dio arrives last to the party to point out that Hermes has also fallen. I guess if they need to teleport anywhere, they're going to have to get Orion and Wesley Willis back on the team.

Wonder Woman #31 Rating: No change. It looks like Wonder Woman is changing up the status quo on Paradise Island. I wonder what Hippolyta is going to think of all the testosterone in Themyscira when she recovers from being a statue. Maybe all the men will die in the upcoming war against Olympus and the new living arrangements on Paradise Island won't even need to be discussed.

Supergirl #31

Does having two opposable digits on each hand help a creature evolve even quicker?

Once again, it's time for Supergirl's Bum! Supergirl's Bum! Supergirl's Bum! What did I say? Supergirl's Bum!
It'll look you in the eye and you'll fall in love! Supergirl's Bum!
You'll look it in the eye and you'll fall in love! Supergirl's Bum!
It was always kind of angry!
But now it's really angry!
It'll curb stomp your heart! It's Supergirl's Bum!

Currently, The Red Lanterns (including Supergirl's Bum) are hunting down Judge Red because she's decided to become the law. And they have to find her before Dex-Starr finds her because what group of Red Lanterns would you join? The group with a red haired dickface, a living beach ball, and a decaying ox, or the one with the adorable kitty cat?! If you didn't answer "the adorable kitty cat," you are dead inside and/or a poseur.

Although I did misrepresent the side without a kitty cat since I forgot to mention Supergirl's Bum was on that team. Did I forget to mention Supergirl's Bum? You do know about it, right? It's pretty freakin' adorable.

Oh my god! Dex-Starr is adorable too! I can't decide which team to root for!?

It must be noted that Supergirl's Bum has decided to remain in the background so far this issue. But Dex-Starr has come out of the gates swinging!

Now I'm picturing race horses wearing boxing gloves! That's fucking cute too! Unless it's animal abuse. But at least it's adorable animal abuse!

You can has everyting!

Dex-Starr begins firing lasers out of his tail but he doesn't flip the fuck out and try to capture all of the lasers at the same time. I guess he can suppress his cat instincts when he needs to.

Why do cats instinctively attack lasers?! I think that's proof of ancient aliens somehow!

Meanwhile in New York, Silver Banshee's witch roommate and her coven play with powers beyond their ken!

"It's not a game! It's a tool!" -- Carl, my stoner buddy, twenty years ago in my mom's basement over a Ouija Board and bathed in candlelight.

Because the coven forgot to take the proper precautions like not being in a fictional medium, they summon Blaze the Demonic Demon! Blaze asks the witches, "Where is Supergirl?" Well, if Blaze would get off the fucking Ouija Board, they might be able to find out for her.

Back on Primeen, Supergirl's Bum gets a chance to offer a rebuttal to Dex-Starr's points. Instead, Supergirl's Bum decides to rest on its past laurels and simply not appear at all!

So close and yet so far off panel!

By the way, nobody has found Judge Red yet.

Also, I should probably mention this here before I'm inundated with comments that Supergirl's Bum has made an appearance up until this point. And while this is technically true, the picture was upside down and it really wasn't Lupacchino and McCarhty's best effort. It certainly wasn't worth scanning and it certainly wasn't saying something cute like "I can has dingleberry?"

By the way, immediately after pointing out Supergirl's Bum hasn't made an appearance and Judge Red has not yet been found, both appear on the next page! But not in any way interesting enough to scan. I'm really getting disappointed.

Here we go! We're going to get a lot of "I sentence you to..." and "I declare you..." one liners!

Judge Red does judge Supergirl. And even though Supergirl is guilty of punching a lot of people in the face, those infractions aren't even misdemeanors. They're just kind of bad manners. So Judge Red declares Kara is innocent, although flawed and dangerous. Can't that be said of all of us? I mean those of us that haven't murdered anybody yet.

Supergirl heads off to the Red Lantern's Bar and Ship to get the vat of Blood Ocean the Lanterns brought with them. Kara needs to dunk Judge Red into it so that she'll lose the frenzied courtroom drama and calm the fuck down a little bit. While Kara goes to get the Blood Tank, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr move in to make friends. That will take place in Red Lanterns #31 (on sale next week!). But for now, this story needs to end somehow.

Well, that's how that ends! With this guy again! I wonder what his ass looks like?

Supergirl #31 Rating: No change. I'm enjoying Supergirl's time as a Red Lantern because it's brought a little bit of focus into her life. Before her anger was unfocused and directed at anybody she met. Now she can at least punch people that deserve to get punched. Plus she's finally made another friend in Bleez! That makes two whole friends Supergirl has made! She's better at making friends than I am!

Sorry for the lack of Supergirl's Bum pictures. It appears no artist seems to care about it as much as Mahmud Asrar did.