Daredevil #9

Spider-man! Spider-man! Does whatever Daredevil can't! Look out! Spider-man doesn't rhyme with can't!

The Review or Whatever!
Spider-man is a jerk. He thinks he's funny but he's really just inaccessible. He uses humor to remain emotionally distant. If he doesn't form close bonds, he doesn't have to worry about having his feelings hurt. His entire shtick is devised to keep him detached. Why would you choose to be associated with a spider? I mean besides because a spider gave him his powers. I mean, he didn't have to choose to be Spider-man. His super powers are the ability to sense danger and being inordinately strong. That doesn't scream spider to me. But you know what does scream spider? Anybody who sees one! Which is probably why he chose to be a spider because it creeps people out and keeps them wanting to get close to him. He also developed his web technology so he can apprehend villains from a distance. You never know when Black Cat is going to try to seduce you and you're going to fall for it and you're suddenly going to open up and realize you have no idea how to handle the flood of emotions you've locked away inside of you since your mother taught you emotions were only to be used to manipulate and control! I mean, you know, that's probably what Peter Parker learned early on in life. Frickin' Aunt May.

That's about as good as I get at to a Browning's style dramatic monologue! I'm not as clever or subtle! That's also about as good as I get at a review of a Marvel comic book! Now you're left wondering: "did Tess like it? Tess didn't even talk about it? What the fuck is wrong with Tess? How is this a comic book review site? Who the fuck does Tess think Tess is? Why am I avoiding the use of pronouns? What am I doing with my life? Reading comic book 'reviews' on the internet? I should be pursuing my dreams and desires! Why am I such a horrible failure? Maybe I can at least disappear into the unthinking pleasures of a self-induced orgasm to suspend, for even the merest of moments, the crushing weight of choices that have left me paralyzed and unable to live any semblance of an adult life!" Come on. You know that's what you were thinking!

Daredevil #8

How does Daredevil know what cards he's holding? His "amazing 360-radar sense"? I guess that's where the bluff comes in!

The Review or Whatever!
Texas Hold'em is all about betting and confidence, so a person doesn't really need to know what cards they're holding. Especially if they don't care about losing all of their money. But seriously. You could probably play Texas Hold'em almost as well by never even picking up your cards. Texas Hold'em is a lot like life (just like everything, if you want to make it into an awful allegory like I'm about to do). You can worry about the cards that were dealt but that isn't going to help with the hand because what you get is what you get, motherfucker. You're fucking stuck with the shit you've been given. But that doesn't mean you can't accomplish whatever you want (which, since you're playing poker, "whatever you want" is actually just "winning lots of money"). It just means it's going to be a lot harder for a person dealt a nine high to take the money of somebody dealt a royal flush. Okay, you know what? No way that is ever going to happen. So you should probably fold because a person dealt a royal flush would never fold. But that still works well with the life allegory because if you're born at the bottom of society's ranking of poker hands, there's really only so much money you're likely to make. You can probably bluff a lot of pairs and two pairs off of their hands and, depending on the suits on the cards on the table, maybe even some trips. But are you going to knock down somebody with a full house or a straight flush? No fucking way. But, as I said, Texas Hold'em is all about betting and confidence. If you're confident enough, you just might convince somebody with a straight flush that you've got the royal version. You just never know until you try! Although if you were born with a nine high, you're never getting into the places where the people born with a royal flush in their mouth play anyway. So you should probably resign yourself to a life of washing their dishes.

What I said.

Daredevil makes his way to the final table of a Texas Hold'em Tournament in Macau where he's up against a telepath working for the casino. But since Matt doesn't know what cards he's holding, it won't help the telepath at all. And since it's Texas Hold'em, who needs to know their own cards to win? Play the man, not the cards, as they say. I think? Do people say that?

Daredevil wins the tournament but that's not much of a spoiler because the real story doesn't begin until next issue. What is important is that he can't cash the ten million dollar check for winning because it's made out to the fake name he used to enter the tournament. What the hell, Murdock? You're a fucking lawyer! Surely you could have created an alias strong enough to legally cash a check! What is wrong with you?! Don't you care about money?!

Anyway, next issue has Spider-man in it.

Batman and Robin Eternal #25

I hope when I bleed out on the street someday, my blood will spill out in the shape of a dick and balls.

Rating: Rank 11 of 51 DC Comics. I guess. I can't wait for rebirth so I can change this whole system of ranking DC's comic books against each other. Mostly I can't tell anymore what books are better than others because so many of them are bland and mediocre. I should just have three categories without rankings. They can be comic books worth reading because they're written well, comic books pretty much only worth reading if you're into the title character, and comic books worth reading if you love train wrecks. This one probably falls slightly in-between written well and reading if you're into the Bat-kids. It's hard to really judge a weekly comic book on its writing merits because the writers change so often.

• I just reread my bullet points on Batman and Robin Eternal #24 to get caught up before reading this issue and found about a dozen typos. So you should probably expect the same kind of quality writing this time too!

• At the end of the last issue, Harper was thinking over Mother's offer to kill Cassandra and I was rolling my eyes so hard that I could hear a clicking sound in my head.

• The battle to bring down the towers receiving Mother's Icthys Virus has been going on for way too long because this comic book has to go 26 issues. So, you know, it's still happening.

• Dick and Azrael don't so much fight as philosophize. It's the same old bullshit about whether or not killing the person destroying the world is right or wrong. Is a country's arbitrary justice system a better way to go than just putting the person threatening the world in the ground? It seems like a shaky argument to make but since comic book heroes have to measure up to some kind of code, the "no killing" thing seems to be a decent measuring stick. It's just that it's so Jesusy! The only reason not to kill somebody like, say, The Joker is because by killing them, you're killing their chance at redemption. But what if The Joker has never shown any sign of redemption? Ever? How many times do you allow him to return to killing innocent people? When does Batman become responsible for all of the people The Joker kills because Batman keeps insisting that The Joker not be killed? I realize that Batman will never, ultimately, be responsible for The Joker's victims. The Joker makes the decision to kill and Batman makes the decision not to kill. There's a scene in the new season of Daredevil where The Punisher gives Daredevil a gun. Then The Punisher points a gun at some scuzzball hitman and tells Daredevil that if Daredevil doesn't kill The Punisher before The Punisher kills the hitman then Daredevil is responsible for the hitman's death. That's obviously bullshit because everybody is ultimately the choices they make. Daredevil choosing not to kill even if somebody else is going to be killed doesn't make Daredevil responsible for the person who gets killed. But let's say The Pnnisher has lined up hundreds of people and is killing them one after the other while Daredevil has a chance to kill The Punisher. At what point does Daredevil become complicit in the murders of the hundreds of people? After the first killing? The second? The thirty-first? At some point, a person has to realize that their ability to say "I have never killed anybody" is the only thing they're really protecting. The argument should never be so black and white that Batman or Daredevil or Dick Grayson can say they will never kill. You've got to allow for extreme situations that arise where killing somebody will absolutely make for the greater good. Although in Batman's case, I think if he ever kills anybody, he's going to get a taste for it! So he should probably just keep Red Hood's phone number close at hand and let him do any killing that needs to be done.

• Let's not be so hasty! Why should Azrael choose Batman's terms, hunh? And what if the terms he thinks through and chooses just happen to be similar to Mother's? Is that truly wrong?

• Mother continues to badger Harper about killing Cassandra. I'm not sure why she thinks her arguments will sway Harper since they're all really arguments for Harper to save Cassandra! I guess maybe Mother's arrogance is blinding her to reality. It's like when somebody on Facebook tells a story that's meant to show how big of a jerk somebody they dealt with that day was but it actually reveals how much of an asshole they themselves are? It's like one of Robert Browning's dramatic monologues! But not as subtle.

• Cullen Row uses Midnighter's Door technology to transport to Midnighter all of the mini-orphans battling the Bat-family. You know, so Midnighter can kick their asses.

• While Mother and Harper argue inside her base and Dick and Azrael argue outside Mother's base, Mother's Icthys infected children all over the world are finally cured by the Bat-family with Midnighter and Cullen's help. Also the other heroes who aren't technically part of the Bat-family. Like Black Canary and Katana and Red Hood.

• Dick finally reaches Mother so he can stop her without killing her. I think he just likes sending criminals through the bureaucracy and humiliation of the American justice system.

• Next issue is the final issue, right? Please be right.

Batman and Robin Eternal #12

This cover disturbs me even if that isn't an erection in Batman's pants.

In Batman Eternal, Snyder, Tynion, and Company spent way too many issues not answering the questions that readers wanted answered. I forget most of the questions everybody was desperate to know the answer to but I know one of them was "Who is behind it all because it's obviously not Cluemaster and if it is fuck you?!" They spent fifty issues beating around the bush before answering that question! I've heard that Batman and Robin Eternal is only going to be 26 issues so isn't it about time that they reveal who Mother built to be the best Robin ever?! I don't think there are any other questions than that because we all know Batman didn't actually requisition a Robin because he as unhappy with Dick but because he was trying to stop Mother. And we all know that Batman didn't really kill the parents of that girl in Egypt because Batman doesn't know how to shoot a gun. I suppose some readers might also be wondering why Harper Row is so important to the mystery but I didn't want to bring that up because I can't answer that question and can't make a joke about it. Not that I can't think of some funny ways to make Bluebird sound irrelevant! I totally can! But who wants to piss off all the Harper Row fans?! I pissed off a Voodoo fan once and a Wildstorm fan once and a Twat Lobo fan once (or twice (or three times)) and a Deathstork fan once and a Batman fan once and some Marcus To fans once and Cullen Bunn once and I really didn't like having to pretend that they didn't hurt my feelings when they Internet Screamed at me.

This issue begins where the last issue left off which can't last long, can it? Isn't the format of the weekly comic to forget about the characters who were in the spotlight the week before to concentrate on characters you don't give a fuck about only to begin giving a fuck about them by the end of the issue so that you can be pissed the week following when the story has changed direction yet again?! Not that I'm complaining because last issue left off with Dick about to discover the identity of Mother's Made-to-order Robin, if his Spyral tech didn't wind up killing him and The Sculptor during the Mindshare.

Whoops!

Dick and The Sculptor wind up chasing each other through a mash-up of both of their thoughts. I'm going to put my Monkees playlist on Shuffle while I read this wacky chase scene. Some of you might prefer "Yakkity Sax" or something from Scooby Doo. I bet there's a scene where they're in a hallway with a bunch of doors and they run in some and out others and then Frankenstein will pop out of one and Dick will come out in a towel and then The Sculptor will come out chased by feral dogs.

Before getting to the bit where somebody just fucking tells me who the mystery Mothered Robin is, The Sculptor tells her origin story which is also the origin story of Mother's organization. In the beginning, there was Mother. Then Mother created David Cain. Then she created a helpmeet for David Cain and that was The Sculptor. David's job was to kill the families of the selected youths, to orphan them and bring them into Mother's organization. The Sculptor used her telepathic powers to shape the minds of the children so they could become the products Mother needed them to become. Then they trained and did all of that other crap that evil leagues do. The children grew up and were sold or placed into positions of power or simply let loose to be called upon when needed. Mother's children were everywhere. And still are.

After Sculptor explains Mother's business model, she gives Dick the knowledge to find Mother. And then she finally gets around to the important bit about Batman's purchase!

Oh boy! Here it comes!

Or does it? I mean, do I really believe I'm going to turn the page to discover the name of the ultimate Robin that Batman purchased so long ago? If I had to guess, it coincides with the question I couldn't answer earlier. It must be Harper Row. Perhaps that's why Batman tried so hard to dissuade her from being Robin. He wanted to give her as much of a chance as possible to escape Mother's plans for her. Sure, she'd have to be really young at the time but building a proper Robin takes years! This might also answer the question about Batman murdering the Egyptian couple. He probably had to prove himself in some way so he faked up that incident and had Wayne Enterprise build an android Egyptian child that he could present to Mother as the child he orphaned! Is that too much to believe even for a comic book?

Batman does agree to kill so that he can be at the birth of his Robin. Dick earnestly believes he's watching Batman buying into Mother's scheme because Dick is obviously a stupid asshole.

Of course there can be no other explanation at all! Batman murdered because Dick was an incompetent little shit. The end!

Dick breaks the connection believing that Batman is a cold blooded killer as opposed to believing that everybody who would have these memories truly believes Batman is a cold blooded killer. Unless Dick is pretending to believe these things in the same way that Batman pretended to be working with Mother so that if The Sculptor were setting him up, she would truly think he was falling for it! That sounds more reasonable! That's what I choose to believe because I know Dick better than to believe he believes what the comic wants me to believe he believes!

Meanwhile, Cassandra Cain totally just murdered all of the children in Mother's Nursery because I saw all the circumstantial evidence pointing to her as the killer and there can be no other explanation at all! She's a monster!

Batman and Robin Eternal #12 Rating: No change. So that's it then! Batman is a murdering prick! No need to read any more issues because it's been settled and who wants to read any more stories about a guy who murders people but then tells other people not to murder people. He might as well be a politician! Unless, of course, Batman didn't actually kill that family in Egypt. No, no. It's patently obvious by the way the story was told that it happened and the narrative isn't manipulating me into thinking something is true that isn't. That would be dishonest! So I guess I won't be reading anymore Batman comic books! Instead I'm just going to read Punisher comics and draw little pointy ears on his head and a bat symbol on his chest and write "BATMAN" over "The Punisher" on the cover.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Collin Kelly (co-writer of Batman Eternal) said about my Batman and Robin Eternal #10 Review: “'It’s like mainlining the I Ching while slamming your dick in The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick.' This review forever.” The mainlining the I Ching part was from my review and he was quoting me and now I'm quoting him quoting me. So don't be too confused by that part. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Batman Eternal #42

Bluebird's identity is easier to figure out than Superman's.

Last issue was disgusting and we shan't talk about it any longer. Because it was full of semen! At least my issue was.

Harper Row has donned her sidekick costume because she needs to save all of the other sidekicks from The Mad Hatter's treachery! The exclamation point at the end of that sentence tells you how exciting last issue was and that if you missed it, you should feel empty inside. Now Harper is running across the rooftops like a Batkid. She's got what it takes to save the day! The skills (kind of)! The intelligence (her best attribute after her butt!)! The know-how!

Okay, maybe not the know-how. You're supposed to crash through that, stupid!

Harper has built a suit that repels nanobots. She's going to be rich! Every hero in the DC Universe except for Hawkman who currently wants to fuck a woman filled with nanobots will want to buy one! But instead of going on the Shark Tank to be scammed by multimillionaire scammers, she's going to use it herself and save the day. Or save the Batkids' day, anyway. I think there is too much day to be saved in Batman Eternal for a newly minted, wet behind the ears sidekick.

Meanwhile Spoiler wakes up in a strange room without her Spoiler costume. It took me literally eighteen years to figure out who she was without her costume on. And don't get excited thinking she was all tits and vagina swinging all over the room. She was wearing clothes but they weren't her Spoiler costume kind of clothes. Just a tank top and sweats.

Stephanie's mom sent Killshot to recover her and keep her safe before one of the other bounty hunters found her. Ha ha! Killshot! I bet Snyder and all the other guys writing this book had a good laugh about using him as the bounty hunter. What a stupid fucking name! The only way it could have been dumber is if they had used White Rabbit!

That's obviously a threat. From my experience, mothers are awful people! I hope my mother doesn't know about this blog!

Meanwhile Harper is completely fucking up her rescue attempt. She falls on her butt. Then she falls on her butt again. Then she gets the attention of The Mad Hatter. Then she shows her butt and it's definitely sidekick worthy.

See? Even Bowl Cut likes it.

By the way, the nanobots still look like semen flying all over the room. Everybody else's semen comes out in thick, glowing ropes, right?

Who else grew up in the 70s and had that Spider-man web making stuff? I know I seem to be a DC Man since I'm reading all the New 52 stuff but I grew up wanting to be Spider-man. I loved the cartoon and I had the Spider-Man Mego and some ship or something. Maybe I just used a ship from some other line of toys and called it the Spider-Ship? Anyway, the Spider-man web stuff came in a little tube that looked just like a crazy glue tube. And you'd squeeze a little out and stick it on a leaf and pull it along while squeezing the tube and stick it on another leaf and presto! Instant one strand of web that looked like a homeless guy just whipped out his half-erect cock and splashed pre-cum all over the bushes. Not that I realized that as a little tyke. But if you want proof that parents weren't uptight fucks in the 70s like they are today, that Spider-man web kit is proof. No parents ever tried to get it pulled off the market because it looked like their child was covered in semen. And they weren't fucking naive either like kids today like to think anybody born pre-1994 was. They probably just raised an eyebrow and looked at each other and laughed and finished off another box of wine. Nowadays, one fucking Playdoh dispenser looks like an erect cock and people go crazy!

Harper tricks The Mad Hatter into thinking she likes him and then she shouts, "Ha ha! Friend zoned!" and she kicks his hat off. Then The Mad Hatter falls down screaming, "I should have listened to the Meninists!"

Oh Harper Row. I would Friend Zone you so fucking hard!

If "Meninist" is a play on "Feminist," shouldn't it be "Menifist"? Or Men-I-Fist, amirite?!

Harper Row destroys The Mad Hatter's gigantic phallus with just a thought and it withers away into nothing. And all the children are free! Hooray! I guess. I kind of liked when they were all in one place and out of the way.

Batman arrives in time to feel like he helped stop Jervis. He discovers that Harper Row is a better detective than he is but only when she's investigating The Mystery of Her Brother's Stupid Butt. In Mad Hatter's pocket, Batman finds another one of the poorly printed invitations to the destruction of Gotham City. Those invitations really are boring. A monk must have designed them. Who does Batman know that's a monk and avoids all frills and bells and whistles and really cute fonts and possibly a little monkey drawn in the corner with a speech bubble saying, "Monkeys like butt secks!"

Harper tells Red Robin that it's been her lifelong dream to be a sidekick, ever since she saved Batman's life with a car battery. But Batman was always, "Blah blah blah!" Which was his long-winded way of saying "No." But now they all have to accept her because she solved the mystery and saved the children! Also, Batman said, "Hm." That's practically a guarantee of sidekickmanship! It wasn't like he said "-tt-"! That would have been bad!

And then Selina arrives at Stephanie's mom's house and captures her. The story is almost up to the preview story from a year ago!

Batman Eternal #42 Rating: No change. Doesn't this have to be over in ten weeks? Am I wrong about that? Shouldn't it only be a one year story?! I'm getting nervous! I've also figured out who the big bad villain is! It's Alfred! He probably printed up the invites on the shitty little dot matrix printer in his tiny little room in Arkham Manor because Alfred isn't allowed to use the Batcomputer for his own personal projects. Which might also be part of the motive for wanting to tear Batman down.

Secret Origins #6

Stop stabbing yourself!

Wonder Woman
I wonder which Wonder Woman origin story DC will have decided to use for their Ultra-Mega-Major-This-Is-The-Goddamned-Truth Secret Origin? Will she be the child of Zeus and Hippolyta? Will she be made from clay? Will she have appeared fully formed during a violent, slightly incestuous hug between Ares and Aphrodite? My money is on the Zeus/Hippolyta thing even though Zeus wasn't masquerading as a sexy termite or anything when the fucking happened. Mainly because DC doesn't want to hurt Azzarello's feelings when he's in control of their pet project, Futures End.

Or they could just go for the joke origin! Are we sure Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis aren't behind this silliness?

While Diana spars with Aleka, she reveals a secret! It's not the secret that Aleka wanted to hear which would have ended with their underwear flying across the arena though. It's the one where Diana points out that she wants to leave the island because she's tired of everybody teasing her because she was made out of clay. "Ha ha! You didn't come out of a vagina!" they mocked constantly. I bet she winds up running away with a Jewish reindeer and a gay elf.

Diana teases Aleka until she's a sea of frothing madness down below by confiding a second secret as they lie exhausted in each other's arms on the beach.

"I can't wait to feel a cock inside of me!"

Actually, her second secret is the same as the first! She wants to leave the island! She's tired of being known as Princess Jugs (because she's made of clay! Not because of her bosom!) and just wants to go where nobody knows the story of her birth.

But unknown to everybody but Zeus and Hippolyta, Diana was not made from clay at all! Maybe. I mean, Hippolyta was barren. And she and Zeus fucked nearby the clay baby that Hippolyta had created, hoping to pray it to life. Perhaps Zeus pulled out and splashed his godly semen all over the sand, bringing the little clay baby to life? I can't know for sure because DC didn't publish the full sexual experience across eight titillating pages like they should have. Instead they kept it ambiguous. They probably would say they kept it decent but what's wrong with a little sex in comic books now and then?

Eww! So close to a little sex!

Athena visits Diana at night because Athena is a weird peeper that seems to be infatuated with Diana. Earlier while hiding in the jungle, she was diddling her owl genitals while watching Aleka and Diana nearly reach spargasm.

And then Steve Trevor crashes on the island, cock and all!

Oh yeah! Diana's gonna punch her ticket over and over again until he earns a free slice.

Wonder Woman Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm a sucker for this kind of pseudo-throwback art and writing style. Plus call me a filthy infidel blasphemer if you want (because, well, fuck it...I am!), but I actually like Diana's origin being that she was Zeus and Hippolyta's daughter and the story about her being formed from clay was made up to protect her from Hera.

Deadman
The only part of Deadman's origin that I'm familiar with is that he was assassinated while performing some trapeze stunt thereby ensuring that he'd spend his entire afterlife dressed in his ridiculous circus costume. Then he met a god and visited Nanda Parbat and, well, I guess he became a super hero for some reason. It actually seems like his story in DC Universe Presents #1-5 already presented his New 52 origin. I suppose this issue needs to add some stuff that will be important to his story later. Or it needs to retcon out a few plot points from the earlier story that the editors didn't want Boston saddled with. Hopefully it has something interesting to say that wasn't in the DC Universe Presents story or else I'm going to be asking DC Comics for a partial refund of this issue.

Boston leaves home where his parents constantly beat each other. Boston joins the circus where he becomes a sensational aerial acrobat that goes by the name Deadman. Boston gets shot and falls to his death. All pretty standard stuff so far!

Yeah, yeah. I read all that already! I smell a refund in my future!

Boston meets some chump named Brahma Dass that knows cosmic things about wheels and cycles and motorbikes. He also introduces Deadman to Nanda Parbat where they don't do anything at all. Then Boston forgives his parents and goes back to palling around with the Justice League Dark. The end! Or is it?! No, no. The end.

Deadman's Secret Origin Rating: No change. I believe the only thing that was added here was that Boston was angry at his parents but he learned to forgive them. That's like the most important lesson anybody believes they can teach anybody else that won't forgive. But they're wrong. Forgetting is the only part of "forgive and forget" that matters! Because if you're so angry at somebody that you can't properly live your own life, you don't need to forgive them to move on. You just need a large enough knock to the head to forget about them and then you'll be cool.

Sinestro
With all the retconning that's happened with Green Lantern and the various characters that surround him, I doubt I have any chance at actually guessing what Sinestro's origin is going to be. He was probably an arrogant Green Lantern that was kicked out of the Corps for being smug about being right all of the time. Then he stumbled upon Qward where he had some guy build Yellow Rings because the most powerful weapon in the universe couldn't handle the color yellow. Later we learned this was because Parallax was chilling hardcore in the Green Lantern battery. But before that was discovered and the yellow flaw was removed from the Green Lantern rings, Sinestro did not manage to kill every Green Lantern for some reason. How do you fuck up that badly? How do you have a weapon that can't be stopped by a bunch of assholes who rely on their weapons to do everything for them and you can't murder them all? Anyway, Sinestro eventually became friends with Hal Jordan although they were still enemies but more like friends that hated each other or enemies that secretly loved each other or something as equally silly as any of those. And now he has his own comic book that manages to bore the fuck out of me every month! Hooray!

Sinestro used to be my favorite villain on Challenge of the Superfriends. It takes a real lackluster comic book to make me now not care about him. Way to go, Cullen Bunn! I suppose that's some kind of achievement.

Sinestro gains his ring in much the same way Hal Jordan did. Apparently back in the day, Green Lanterns flew in space ships instead of in bubble wrap, and they weren't particularly good at steering those spaceships. I suppose when your ring has that cruel yellow flaw, you can't fly around in space with just the ring to protect you because as soon as you fly through some yellow dust traveling at the speed of light, you're toast.

Hmm. If the life support of the ring could sustain this duffel bag head, could it not have also sustained Abin Sur? I think Hal Jordan hasn't been totally honest about his origin.

Sinestro and Hal become Fremeses. Sinestro gets his yellow ring on the anti-matter planet of Qward. Sinestro builds an army. Sinestro tastes the rainbow. And then he does the most heroic thing anybody has done! He does the one thing that promises to save the universe from dozens of Cosmic Crises! He kills the Guardians of the Universe! And for some reason, nobody celebrates. Weren't they paying attention? Those Guardians were dangerous monsters! Anyway, after that, he reformed his Sinestro Corps and began looking for Korugarian survivors scattered across the universe. Also he played with Legos.

Sinestro's Origin Story Ranking: No change. Since these Secret Origin stories keep recounting what's happened to each character since The New 52 began (and, in the case of Green Lantern characters, before that since they kind of mostly ignored the Reboot), I think maybe I should stop reading it. Or, better yet, I'll stop reading everything except Secret Origins! And then Secret Origins will give me the synopsis of all the other comics I've stopped reading. I'll save a fortune!

Godhead #1

I'm sorry but does DC have zero employees in the "Please Let A Cynic Look At The Cover Before We Put It On The Stands" Department?

I can't be the only one that thinks Hal Jordan's reaction is to Darkseid blowing Highfather, right? I mean, the series is called "Godhead." And Highfather is directly quoted as bringing Darkseid to his knees with seven cock rings. The big #1 One-Shot doesn't help me dispel the image of Highfather's quivering cosmic man-meat spraying life equating juices all over Darkseid's stony maw. Anyway, DC, if you need somebody to head up your Department of Defeating Accidental Sexual Innuendo, put your dick in my mouth!

Godhead is a story about the long standing feud between Highfather of New Genesis and Darkseid of Apokolips. It's also a story of what happens when you're a member of a meddling cosmic police force that thinks they need to stick their noses into the business of every species in the known universe. It's what happens when somebody gets their immortal peanut butter into the chocolatey goodness of the most powerful weapon in the universe. That was not a description of Apokoliptian anal sex.

This Cosmic Money Shot begins with an explanation of how the universe was created. It's less about masturbation than previous Green Lantern creation tales though which is disappointing.

No, no. My mistake. God still flung cum all over the darkness to create existence.

Darkseid and Highfather have been in a cold war for billions of years. Neither one is very good at maths, so they've reached a stalemate where Highfather can't figure why he keeps getting the Life Equation wrong and Darkseid can't add two to two. But Highfather knows where the answers lie! In the great teacher's text known as The Source Wall! It is there that the story begins as Highfather and Metron examine it closely for a way in. The wall was breached by Kyle Rayner during the Relic Crisis which should probably be known as the Chicken Little Fiasco. Highfather speaks with Relic and discovers the way past the Source Wall: the Green Lantern Rings! Using the power of every color united, a person may pass the Source Wall and read the equation. Or, alternately, they can find Kyle Rayner and ask him if he remembers the Life Equation. He might remember it since he fucked around with it and changed it significantly. Small wonder the universe hasn't completely unraveled since then.

Over on Mogo, Saint Walker continues to despair. Or pout. Or shirk his duties. One of those! His ring still hangs out with him because, and this is a huge guess on my part, nobody else in the universe has any hope. Everybody still believes Kyle Rayner is dead but I have a suspicious feeling that he'll reveal himself during this cosmic crisis. Then Saint Walker will get a huge head erection and his ring will finally have him back. Unless Highfather takes Saint Walker's ring first. Isn't it the only Blue Lantern Ring left in the cosmos?

The Council of Elrond.

On New Korugar, Sinestro plans his next big snoozefest. He's all, "I do things my way because my way is the greatest way!" And Lyssa is all, "But the future says differently!" And Sinestro is all, "What is the future to me? I am Sinestro!" And Arkillow is all, "Wut?" And then a New God that I don't know BOOM Tubes in, jerks off her sword, and says, "Your ring. Give it to me." And Sinestro is all, "Hardy har har har!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut?" And Sinestro is all, "Oh no! I have fallen and I can't get up! Stop her and prove how mighty you are, Arkillo!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut? I mean, to arms!" And then he's all, "My fingers!" And then the New God is all, "BOOM!"

In other words, one ring down, six to go!

Over on Okaara, Larfleeze is all, "Mine mine mine! I am not a monkey!" But the New God that has paid him a visit is all, "Give me the ring, monkey." And then Larfleeze cries while trying to scoop up each tear, sobbing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

In other words, two rings down, whatever seven minus two is to go!

If I may put forward a slight observation from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader: Lanterns are garbage.

The most powerful weapons in the universe can be stolen so easily! I think it's time to begin installing the rings in the butt. Not every creature capable of wearing a ring has fingers, so there have been modifications to the system, right? Where does Mogo even keep his? Up his grand canyon?

Over on Nok, the nok of the nok noks, another New God (this one with a pig dog and a dwarfish beard braid) takes a ring off of an Indigo Lantern. The Indigo Lantern, proffering the hand with the ring, is all, "Um...no, no! This is me protesting vehemently. Please do not take the ring or I will become a serial killer again and begin drinking the blood of young virgin children and eating the spleens of late night driving teenagers found alone on the highway and cutting off the sexual organs of elderly folks who thought they were just out to get an early bird breakfast. Please do not make me into that glorious creature. Did I say glorious? I meant awful. That awful creature." And the New God is all, "Sorry, Dudebro. But I gots ta do what I gots ta do. Here, take this Grandmaster Magic Sword in trade. But don't use it to go on some killing spree or nuttin, sees?"

In other words, a bunch of rings down, a few more to go.

I don't really know what's going on with the Red Lanterns but apparently one of the humans that earned a ring back when Atrocitus conscripted all the Type A people on Earth into joining the Red Lanterns still has her ring. But that makes sense because to take a Red Lantern's ring is to kill a Red Lantern and Charles Soule just recently killed off all the extra Red Lanterns. This Red Lantern is angry at the sex slave trade for some reason. Doesn't she like illegal free market capitalism which manipulates the lives of powerless people and makes ungodly profits at the expense of the free will of seemingly powerless people? Is she a communist? Anyway, she frees all of the sex slaves ever which is as much resolution for her anger as she's going to get.

Leave it to Charles Soule to be all, "Hey, dickheads! While you're reading your funny book, remember that the world is full of awfulness and misery and people fighting for their lives and their power and their dignity and every fucking thing they have which is hardly anything but is still being taken from them by monsters. And you...look at you. Reading a funny book with one hand down your pants hoping some artist decides to draw a little hint of a nip, you fucking fanperv."

I've lost count but since the next scene is Orion and Metron BOOM Tubing onto Mogo, I have a feeling only two rings are left: Green and Blue. Saint Walker's ring should be easy to take! Just shove him on his ass and scoop it up! But Mogo's is probably hidden deep within some lava filled chasm! Surrounded by thousands of tons of rock and dirt!

Oh. Oh, Mogo, you big dumb ball of dumb.

Mogo and Saint Walker lose their rings and they deserved it! Just letting something so powerful float around your head or hang from a twiggy branch on a tree. Although now that Mogo's lost his ring, what's going to happen to all the non-Lanterns on the planet? It doesn't look like Mogo was currently in a hospitable zone in some nice, cozy sun-drenched solar system! Is everybody on planet going to freeze to death?! If that's the case, hopefully some other Green Lantern (*coughHalJordancough*) will give Mogo their ring to save everyone.

Once he has all the rings, Highfather has them fitted into his mace so that he can wield the White Light which, apparently, is the Life Equation. So Kyle has been master of the Life Equation all this time? Which means Nekron or Black Hand wields the Anti-Life Equation? How has Darkseid been so blind? Shouldn't he have smelled the Black Lanterns? He's gotten too distracted searching all over the multiverse for a comfortable chair.

Highfather tests out his new device only to find using all the rings together does not equal the Life Equation. It just equals the ability to destroy a Black Lantern. What he needs is an actual White Lantern Ring. So now he has to find Kyle Rayner and punch him in the balls. Plus, Highfather has decided that all of the other Lanterns are too dangerous to live. That means it's once again that time of year: LANTERN COSMIC CRISIS! At least this time, they all get to fight together.

Godhead #1 Rating: This is just a one-shot! It doesn't get a rating! But as far as cosmic crises go, I have to say it might be my favorite yet of The New 52 because it involves the New Gods and it will involve, hopefully, Darkseid (unless he just misses it all because he's long stopped caring about anything New Genesis gets up to). Plus nobody is being assimilated by anything else!

Wonder Woman #32

When life gives you labyrinths, make minotaurade.

Because I don't know anything about anything else, I decided to consult Princess Wikipedia for the origin of the saying, "When life gives you labyrinths, make lemonade." Err, or something. Anyway, she made a face and rolled her eyes and said, "Really? You're going to demand information from me? Well I'm busy. But I'm sure my retinue has uncovered some information." And she was correct! Although her retinue are idiots that publish sentences like this in her name: "In 2011 the rap duo Bad meets evils song loud noises Eminem said 'Life handed me lemons, I jumped back in the public eye And squirted lemon juice in it'". Illiterate peasants are running her kingdom!

Ever notice how every Wikipedia article details the subject for a bit and then ends in an "In Popular Culture" section which basically means "All the Times This Subject Was Mentioned in Modern Pop Music, Shitty Movies, and Anime."

The Wikipedia entry on "Themyscira" currently reads, "A place preparing for a big fat war, fatty fuck cock ass democrats suck!!."

The Wikipedia entry for "Hell" currently reads, "An hour or more alone at a table with your parents. Or a realm quickly emptying of lost souls being visited by Moon and Desire."

The Wikipedia entry for "Olympus" currently reads, "Wadn't dat da place with all a dem gods and such? The ones defeated by Yahweh? More like Obunchalimppussies, amirite?"

Never mind this panel. This is more important. Way back when Sarah Palin was first announced as the vice presidential candidate, I visited her Wikipedia page to learn more about her. It read, "A taco." I laughed so hard that I hit refresh before thinking clearly and taking a screen shot and it had already been fixed. I never read the restored page though because "a taco" was really all I needed to know.

The First Born keeps yammering on about killing all the gods until Strife walks up and sits on his hand. Then he says, "Rrrrggh." I think that means, "Okay, I guess you can live because my thumb feels really fucking nice resting lightly upon your labia."

The Wikipedia entry for "labia" currently reads, "If only teenage boys knew the actual names for the female genitalia, they could find lots of good wank material here! I mean, lots of good information. Unless showing the majority of photos of female genitalia minus the pubic hair is only going to confuse them later in life."

Anyway, the battle begins in Harvest's realm. Cassandra and the S&Minotaur attack. They're easily contained by Moon, Desire, Harvest, and Wonder Woman. But then The First Born arrives to destroy Harvest's entire realm. He's successful enough that Harvest gives up. But not Wonder Woman! She sends everybody away so that she can face the First Born in a one on one, hand to hand deathmatch supreme.

The Wikipedia entry for "mano a mano" currently reads, "Total gay man on man sack action with nachos."

Hermes managed to survive the tussle in Hell and he's the guy that teleports everyone away from The First Born. He's also the one that has to explain to Zola that he doesn't know if Wonder Woman will survive the battle against The First Born. And that's when Orion and Wesley Willis return to save the day! But that day won't come until next month.

Wonder Woman #32 Rating: No change. Thirty two issues of The New 52 Wonder Woman and I still don't know why she's been living in London. Why do you ignore the important parts of the story, Azzarello? Do you hate the readers?! We have questions that need answers! Like how many kebabs does Wonder Woman down each night on the way home blitzed from drinking at the pub? Does she enjoy her chips with mayonnaise or ketchup? When she goes dancing at the clubs (you remember? That thing she likes to do that Charles Soule told us about because you were too busy writing about the war between the gods?), which drugs does she take? If only you cared about the character, Azzarello! Stop screwing around and writing something worth reading! I think you're just content to only be ranked at #2 in the most objective New 52 Ranking System ever devised (mine!).

Wonder Woman #31

Last issue ended with Hades getting his head blown out by the First Born. I don't know if that's very serious or if he can just be relit later like a pilot light gone out. Whatever the case, the dead have taken this opportunity to leave Hades and take a bit of a holiday in London. They don't seem to be causing any trouble though. It's not like zombies returning to feast on the living. The souls returned from Hades just seem to be taking in the sites and enjoying themselves. It seems only Hermes and Dio can see them, so they're not even causing a panic.

Meanwhile on Paradise Island, Diana is trying to convince the Amazons that babies are a fun thing to have around! She's currently Queen of the Amazons while Hippolyta remains a statue, and Diana simply needs free daycare for Zeke. So like any great leader, she's lying her ass off to her people and pretending that babies are cute and adorable and necessary instead of disgusting, smelly, noisy, and completely dispensable.

She currently lives in London! According to a Londoner, those are totally pants!

Artemis feels like Wonder Woman isn't embracing her role as the God of War. Artemis is probably right. This new God of War prefers mercy and compassion over drinking whisky and walking around barefoot in blood.

Hermes and Dio take a road trip to hell to find out what happened to Hades. What they find out is like something from a Coen Brothers' movie. Cassandra is feeding Hades to his father Cronus over and over again. I suppose Cassandra is lucky that the food falls out of a hole in Cronus's stomach because it would be even worse if she had to wait for Hades to be fully digested.

Over on Paradise Island, Zeke is kidnapped. Or wanders away. Or turned back into Zeus and went off to watch the Amazons bathe. One of those. The moral of the previous sentences is that when everybody wants your baby, you should probably keep a pretty good eye on it.

At least Dessa isn't buying into the babies are beautiful bullshit!

Dessa so isn't buying into the New Raising A Boy on Paradise Island Agenda that she hurls herself off of the cliff. But first she gives Zeke to Diana because she's not a child killer.

Hephaestus also brought along all of his children, the sons of Paradise Island.

And then Dio arrives last to the party to point out that Hermes has also fallen. I guess if they need to teleport anywhere, they're going to have to get Orion and Wesley Willis back on the team.

Wonder Woman #31 Rating: No change. It looks like Wonder Woman is changing up the status quo on Paradise Island. I wonder what Hippolyta is going to think of all the testosterone in Themyscira when she recovers from being a statue. Maybe all the men will die in the upcoming war against Olympus and the new living arrangements on Paradise Island won't even need to be discussed.

Wonder Woman #30

I probably shouldn't be disappointed about this next fact but I am: nobody ever threatens to rape me when I rip apart some comic book artist's art or a writer's writing! Am I not the most important New 52 Critic on the internet? The most disappointing thing about that new Teen Titans cover is that DC has cancelled the Teen Titans only to bring the book back a couple of months later. Fuck you, DC! Fuck yourself right in the face! Look at yourself in the mirror, DC. See that face? Now try to fuck it.

That might have been inappropriate. But this whole cancelling the Teen Titans only to relaunch the Teen Titans is a big fuck you to the fans, so I think my reverse fuck move was the only method of defense I had left. Teen Titans sucked, DC. It sucked because you chose to have Scott Lobdell write it and then you chose to let him keep writing it and then you continued to choose to continue to let him write it. But guess what? The Teen Titans makes DC a shit ton of money! So it can't stay cancelled for long. Just reboot the fuck out of it and ship that shit right back to the fans that wanted Lobdell gone for two and half years. This is manipulative abuse shit, DC. And I'm not going to stand for it any...okay okay okay! Drop the sock with the soap in it! I'll buy the fucking comic book!

Oh man. You can't go wrong with a good spousal abuse analogy!

It was also a very thin and meager Twin Peaks reference.

Let's forget I said all those other things! How about I critique Wonder Woman now that I know how to do a proper critique thanks to Brett Booth! He says you have to offer both positive and negative comments! Really, Brett? Here's a generous critique of your recent work with DC: "You hit it out of the fucking park when you ruined Batman Loves Superman after Jae Lee left the title. Just blew me away with your incompetence. Staggering ability to suck!"

Hades and Poseidon assess the current Olympus situation.

Meanwhile on Paradise Island, Hera pretends she doesn't know why she can't return Hippolyta to flesh and blood. She's like the Queen of Gods and I'm supposed to believe she doesn't know how to do something? Bah! She's a liar and a peacock stripper. If she can't tell who is blocking her power, then it must be somebody more powerful than she is. Like Baby Zeke. Or, and this is my actual supposition, Hippolyta is preventing the transformation because she doesn't want to be turned back for some reason. Probably guilt from her years as a single mother neglecting her daughter. Or something less sexist.

While Hippolyta is a statue, Wonder Woman is Queen of the Amazons. She's also God of War. And a founding member of the Justice League. I don't know if she has a day job in London because Azzarello hasn't really been writing any stories that deal with Wonder Woman when she's not Wonder Woman. Not that she has a secret identity, of course. Secret identities are for rich billionaires and loser journalists. Also, that might be why Hippolyta is refusing to change! Because she understands that the Amazons need to follow Wonder Woman's lead right now, so she's opting out for a bit more free statue relaxation time.

Offends isn't that strong of a word! At least it shouldn't be. Fuck offense. I'm offended by people that are constantly offended. I think I just offended myself! Anyway, that doesn't mean that I'm not in agreement with Wonder Woman's choice to be sensitive to the Amazons' feelings and way of life. Being sensitive and kind is one thing; constantly looking to dress somebody else down due to perceived offense is entirely another.

Are y'all figuring out how I love to put these things together yet? When was the last time I required my readers to write essays on their readings? I think it's long overdue. As long as you don't critique me in a non-Brett Boothian manner!

While Wonder Woman tries to get Hermes and Dio to take their maleness elsewhere, the Amazons try to decide if they can trust Wonder Woman to be their Queen. The Amazons don't seem to be too worried when a strange person in a cloak and hood barges into their discussion to throw Wonder Woman under the bus. The stranger (probably Strife, right? Cause look at what she's doing?) then slinks off giggling maniacally.

Meanwhile on Olympus, The First Born gets off on torturing Cassandra and the Bearotaur. He needs some lieutenants to lead his new Gnoll Army against the Amazons. They seem like they'll do nicely if he can just break them by feeding them Gnoll flesh.

Let me interrupt my insane ramblings to say that Goran Sudzuka's Cliff Chiang Replacement Art has just gotten better and better. Pretty soon, Goran will be able to disappear Cliff Chiang and take all of his jobs.

Back on Paradise Island, Wonder Woman tells the Amazons that they've all just become mothers to their new adopted son, Zeke. Forget Zeke being a male child. If I were an Amazon, I'd be pissed that I'm suddenly now expected to change diapers and babysit the fucking anklebiter! Thanks a lot, Diana!

And down in Hell, Hades feeds Cronus and discusses whether or not he should go to war. Before Cronus can give him any advice or Hades can come to a decision, the decision is made for him.

If that's all it takes to defeat Hades, shouldn't he keep his candles in some kind of protective, oxygenated enclosure?

Wonder Woman #30 Rating: No change. It's not that I want to be exposed to threats of violence against my body! But by not getting any threats, that means I'm not popular! Why do I have to try so hard to get people to hate me?! I think I have to choose an enemy before I can get the hatred flowing in. Who do I want as my enemy? Fanboys? Women? The Establishment? Oh! That's it! I'm sorry for any bait I put out there to make enemies in this commentary! I lost sight of my one and true enemy! That multifaced four color God of Monthly Installments, DC Comics! I sometimes forget to be angry with them and I begin to direct my hate in the wrong direction. Scott Lobdell is not the problem! Ann Nocenti is not the problem! They are just symptoms! And you can't fight disease by battling the symptoms! You have to get to the heart of the issue! Fuck you, DC Comics! I'm coming for you!

P.S. I've been whistling the Wonder Woman theme off and on throughout this entire commentary. That is one bad ass song. If you ignore the lyrics. Although they are filled with campy goodness. But that tune? Fucking. Bad. Ass.

Wonder Woman #26

I imagine a high percentage of people on Earth are making this face today.

Since The First Born brought up bowel movements, haven't we all had the occasional one of these moments? Where, for some reason, your waste has decided to hang about the colon for just a day or two longer than it normally would, drying up a bit, getting harder and sharper, adding to its mass with the new waste that's come along the turnpike to wonder what the fucking hold up is? I don't think I really had one of these moments until I went veggie and my body was still getting used to what was going on. I'm sure my body was perplexed that suddenly so much of what I was eating was useful to it. It suddenly had options! Instead of two paths the "nutrients" could go down (fat cells or waste tract), stuff was being parceled out to all points in my body! Sickly cells were lining up to get a bundle of emergency food they'd gone without for thirty years! I occasionally get the hard stool although nothing quite like that first time where I found myself lying on the floor of a friend's bathroom in a fetal position clawing at my anus and wondering if now would be a good time to start asking Jesus for favors. But you know what's been more rare than hard stools? The messy ones! Wiping has mostly become a formality. One or two sheets just to show nothing remained on board and I'm out of there.

Although now that I've basically become a Flexitarian sometime last year, I'm wondering if that will change. Maybe if I add more vodka to my diet, I can really fuck up my bathroom routine! I've probably read over one hundred less books than I normally would have due to the amount of time I don't spend on the toilet now.

Should I talk about the New Year and how weird it is that we arbitrarily pick a point during the Earth's course to mark a beginning and an ending? If it were up to me, I'd have chosen April 3rd. Also, just so I don't even have to think about New Year's Resolutions (I never make them anyway), I decided to give a great big fucking middle finger to the whole idea and promptly went out to buy a package of Oreos to eat all by myself. Unless that's a New Year's Resolution? Defiantly eat more shit! That's actually a pretty good one!

This issue begins with Wesley Willis on a Hell Ride.

But it looks like Cassandra and the Gnolls are going to be joining him on the bus in a second.

You know what I need to learn how to do? Self-promote! Why aren't I trying to make money by reading books? Don't people pay people to read books? I don't mean pay to review them! I just mean pay me by the word! Let me sit in my backyard with piles and piles of books while I rake in the cash! Also, if I can get a bonus for eating Oreos, that would be great too.

I forgot that Wesley Willis was a good friend of Orion's. No wonder Orion took off so quickly to Chernobyl when he heard Milan was in trouble. Orion isn't much help because Cassandra threatens to blow Milan's head off unless he surrenders. But Hermes and Diana and Siracca arrive just behind him. Except above Cassandra's hideout because Hermes apparently can't teleport underground.

Meanwhile back in London, Strife annoys Zola.

Oh! Here's a good New Year's Resolution! Stop writing so much! If I don't have anything to say, don't say anything! Just type enough so that I can remember what was happening from month to month. If I just ignore the fact that other people are reading this blog, I can stop worrying about trying to be entertaining! Maybe I can finish a post in under an hour and then get back to working on writing projects that will actually make me money! I'm almost done with my next project, a book of poetry written by one of my fictional characters and called "The Chicken By the Gate." The book is already written. I just have to do a bunch of drawings and the layout, then decide what kind of paper I want to print it on (low quality, recycled shit that barely looks like it's holding together is my first thought), and then start selling it! Limited signed and numbered! Possibly of such high quality that I might become the next Poet Laureate of the United States!

Okay, so the fight back in Chernobyl! All hellrides are breaking loose so Cassandra just yanks the blindfold from Milan's head so that he can see where the First Born is being kept. Are there flies in Olympus? Can Milan see through the eyes of the Lord of the Flies? Which Olympic God is the God of Flies? Probably War, right? Oh! So that means Milan will see himself seeing himself through Wonder Woman's eyes as he sees himself seeing himself through Wonder Woman's eyes and so on and so forth forever Amen.

Oh good. There are some flies by The First Born. That could have been confusing.

Milan refuses to tell Cassandra where The First Born is. I don't know why he would refuse. The First Born is in the hands of Apollo! I think Apollo, King of the Gods, should be able to keep Cassandra from recovering him. It's too bad Cassandra's voice is fucked up because then she could tell herself where she'll encounter The First Born some time in the future and then just head to that location and wait it out. Although, I suppose with her power, she wouldn't believe herself anyway.

Once Diana realizes what Cassandra wants, she pipes up and says, "Oh! Why didn't you just say so! I just came from Olympus where The First Born was busy sucking Apollo's dick and shining his shoes." Cassandra plants a bomb on Milan and takes off. While Orion and his sled-robot, A4, try to figure out which wire to cut, Milan chastises Diana for putting the lives of others over their feelings.

Well, sorry the fucking fuck! I guess you'll just have to live with feeling useless! As opposed to not feeling useless or anything else at all forever for that matter.

Well now you've made Diana feel useless for saving your life, Milan! What a jerko! And now if the bomb explodes because Orion is too much of a stupid head to disarm it, she's going to live with those being your last words to her ever! And she'll be sad! While you won't have to deal with her sadness because you're splattered all over her face. Just think how much she'll cry due to your brains getting in her eyes. And also after she rinses out her eyes too because you were so mean.

I wish Condor would guest star in this comic book. Has anybody ever created a better, more vibrant character than Condor from Birds of Prey?! *sigh* *heart flutter*

Orion takes Milan to New Genesis where they can do anything with technology. So they'll probably save Milan's life.

When Diana gets back to London, she finds that Zola and Zeke have left because Strife put it into Zola's mind that she was causing the deaths of all of her friends as they tried to protect her. Seems like a stupid move to me. If gods are being killed around her, what chance does she and her baby have of surviving for very long? And when has Wonder Woman ever picked up a note from somebody that didn't want her help (even though they needed her help) and went, "Oh, okay. I guess I should respect this other person's wishes even though they'll probably die!" I mean, she just showed Milan she can't fucking do that! I'm confused though. Is that a weakness or a strength of character?

In the London Underground (Londerground?), Zola meets up with Dionysus. She just thinks it's a person she once met at a bar although she should really know better. I don't think she's met one person that isn't a god since she left Kansas! Or wherever she used to live. Oh well. I guess she'll die next issue and a new story arc will begin! Except Zeke can't die because he's Zeus. Bah, I guess this story will just have to keep going!

Wonder Woman #26 Rating: No change. I'm pretty excited that I only have three more New 52 comics left in my stack from 2013 although, technically, two others came out last week and are still sitting in my comic book box. And I think sixteen more came out yesterday! Geez, DC! Can't you give me a break?!

Oh! I forgot to point out that this cover was a total lie! The First Born never once takes a shit!

Wonder Woman #25

I'm guessing Strife made a pass at Superman.

I only have about forty pages left until I'm done with Catching Fire, so I think I'll finish that right now instead of reading Wonder Woman.

Okay, now that that's done, let's see what's happening with Wonder Woman! I could discuss the book but this isn't a Hunger Games Fandom Blog so I won't spoil it here to those that are just here to read comic book reviews full of swears and masturbation references! I will say this though: I am apparently a Master Young Adult Novel Reader as well since while discussing the book with the Non-Certified Spouse early on, I basically detailed the entirety of how everything was going to go down. Also, I now call my cat "Fatniss Everdeen."

Let's see if I can finish reading Wonder Woman before going to catch the 7 o'clock showing of Catching Fire at the Bagdad Theater.

Currently Strife is commissioning a teeny, tiny weapon from Hephaestus to use against Wonder Woman. And Cassandra has kidnapped Wesley Willis to try to help her locate the First Born.

Apparently the First Born is in one of the Outer Districts.

Diana, Zola, and Hera are discussing Hera's new mortality while Hermes stands off to the side in disguise spying on them. Hera's take on mortality mirrors some of the things I've said in past commentaries about immortality and omnipotence. I pointed out that if you're omnipotent, you would experience all things and all times as one quick and furious "now" moment. Omnipotence would make immortality a brief experience. Hera's experience with mortality is this: "Nows last longer. Time slows experience." Being trapped in the flow of time forces a person to experience it all. Every second. Even the stupid boring ones like when your six year old is describing what happened at school that day. Ugh. Shut up already! Learn to tell a coherent story. Where's the hook? Try differentiating the characters! Maybe work in a theme! And nobody needs that much detail about what order you ate your colored snacks in and what your little friends said! I understand everything is new and exciting for you but I'm fucking forty years old! I don't need to hear this shit! You know what I hear when you're babbling away about some stupid shit you did at recess? I hear the ticking away of the few, finite seconds left in my life!

Man, I don't even have kids and I'm yelling at them for bothering me! Hmm. I didn't do it on purpose but I think I may have just stolen a Louis CK bit.

Orion and Strife both crash the party as they usually do, bringing violence and drama to a nice, leisurely afternoon chat. And except for Strife wanting to kill Wonder Woman for killing her mentor, it looks like they all might start getting along again. As much as Gods and mortals and mortals who used to be Gods and Amazon Warriors and all-powerful babies can really get along.

I bet Strife got Wonder Woman a hat pin!

Actually, Strife got her some appropriate attire for her new job: the God of War's helmet. It seems a bit too formal for Wonder Woman's tastes. Baby Zeke gets a blanket spun out of kept secrets. Dirty, nasty, venomous secrets! The kind you think about but never actually tell when your significant other of twenty-five years says to you, "What's your biggest secret?" Because nobody believes that your biggest secret was that you were fat as a kid or that you lost your virginity at twenty-four. Those are the kinds of secrets everybody has! You know the kind of super secret that if it ever gets out you'll lose the respect of the people you love and may even open yourself up to criminal charges although you're not quite sure about the statute of limitations kind of secret I'm talking about. You know which kind I'm talking about. You know.

Before Orion can get into another fight with Hermes, Siracca "appears" to let Wonder Woman know that Wesley Willis is currently being tortured by Cassandra. Orion Boom-Tubes off to go help while Wonder Woman is left to arrange conventional transportation to Chernobyl to save Wesley.

Well, conventional for a God.

Wonder Woman leaves Strife in charge because Wonder Woman likes to think that people will behave according to how you treat them. She believes if you expect the best out of them while giving them your trust, they won't stab you in the back and kidnap your friend's baby while shitting in the mouth of your ornamental object on the mantel. Of course, Wonder Woman is wrong about that. People act the way you know they're going to act because they're all selfish assholes with the subtlety of a rhinoceros doing ballet. I've never seen that but I imagine it's not subtle at all. Or graceful. Or safe to be around.

Wonder Woman #25 Rating: No change because Wonder Woman is Number One! Just like America if you ignore every actual important statistic (meaning happiness quotients and longest living and best access to healthcare, not obesity or variety of candy bars or the most dog sweaters per capita) on every actual important thing statistics have been gathered for and just go by how many people are chanting the phrase, "We're Number One!" Fuck the Districts! I'm Team Capitol!

Wonder Woman #24

Yay! Goddess of War in the house!

This issue begins with The First Born shackled before the Throne of Olympus. Apollo decides it's an appropriate time for a pun while a bunch of his brothers and sisters sit around enjoying the spectacle. Or maybe they're there to judge The First Born. Or maybe they're pouting because there weren't invited to Hades for War's funeral. Or maybe I should just keep reading so I can find out what the fuck is going on.

Aphrodite is here but she's too beautiful and naked to be seen by our eyes.

I still don't know what's going on! Who is missing? War? Hades? Strife? Hermes? Cupid? The other ones that I would have been able to rattle off on command when I was eleven! A lot of Gods are missing!

Wonder Woman has purchased an apartment in London for her ragtag family which includes herself, Hera, Zola, Zeke, and Orion.

Oh, and Lennox! Maybe his body will eventually grow back. Rock grows, right?!

Turns out War was the one missing at the Olympic Tribunal. So Hermes brings Wonder Woman to Olympus to discuss the fate of The First Born. Please. Why would they need her? Everybody knows she'll cave and call for mercy! Wonder Woman seems a bit shocked to discover that she's the new God of War. I guess she wasn't paying attention in Succession of Godhead 101. She probably only passed by sleeping with her professor. No, no. That would have been how it went down with the Wonder Woman of 1950s DC Comics! This is the modern era! So she probably kicked his ass for her A.

Meanwhile on Earth, ARGUS (or some very similar black ops type organization. Maybe the Black Razors or the Blackhawks?) is busy capturing Wonder Woman's brother, Wesley Willis. They kill his flies so he can't seen anything around him and move in to apprehend him. Turns out the black ops people are employees of Cassandra, Wesley Willis's sister. I think Cassandra can't use her power to predict the future any more because her throat was crushed many years ago by Lennox. But that's okay because nobody ever believed anything she said anyway.

Let me interrupt my running commentary to say Goran Sudzuka does a damn fine job replacing Cliff Chiang. A bit sloppy here and there but generally does a really good job of mimicking Chiang's look for this book. I appreciate it when an artist tries to keep the long-standing look of a book the same. Tony Atkins also did a good job trying to keep the look consistent. The effort isn't lost on me at all. Great job. Now back to being stupid.

I bet Superman knows this look well! It's Diana's "Did you just fart?" face.

Apollo seems to think his first prophecy has been fulfilled, the one about a child of Zeus slaying another child of Zeus. But I'm fairly certain it was in direct relation to the Throne, so Apollo might be getting ahead of himself on that one. You can't defy prophecy by pretending it's already happened! Prophecy isn't that stupid, stupid. Wonder Woman heads back home wanting no part of playing War. And then Strife appears to tell the others that she will be the new God of War after she kills Wonder Woman. But Apollo has a feeling things might just go more smoothly without a God of War altogether. I have a feeling he's wrong about that.

Wonder Woman #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. I simply adore this series. That is all.