Justice League #33

I hate variant covers based on other current comic book stories.

You might think that if I hate a cover like this, I wouldn't buy the comic book with this cover. But that kind of thinking assumes I look at the comic books that the retailer shoves in my pull box before I buy them. That's a level of attention I rarely pay to anything in my life so why would I start with the comic books I'm buying? I also hadn't really noticed that all of DC's comics have crept up to five dollars. How is that fucking realistic? I'd rather they just shove more ads in! If the comic costs less, won't more people purchase it meaning more eyes will see the adverts meaning DC can charge more for ads?! I'm pretty sure I understand capitalism perfectly and that's the way it works. I also understand another aspect of capitalism which says I'm going to have to drop even more DC Comics from my pull list because my wallet has begun wailing intermittently and dripping blood.

I've been reading a lot of my newer comic books lately because I want to get to where I'm reviewing comics the week they came out and also because Eclipso is on the top of my old comic books to review stack and I wasn't impressed by the first issue.

This issue begins with the Monitor, the Anti-Monitor, and the World-Forger holding hands. Is it weird that the Anti-Monitor, who destroyed an infinite number of universes, now wants to save one? I suppose it's less about saving the universe and more about sticking it to his mother. I can totally get behind that.

I know you're supposed to say how much you love your mother and how your mother did everything for you and how she sacrificed and toiled and loved unconditionally so that you could be the person you've become. But can't we also acknowledge the hard times and the resentments and the screaming matches and the time you called her to thank her for the Christmas gift and she was all, "I know it's not what you wanted," and you were all, "No, no. It's totally what I wanted," and she was all, "But it's not the main thing you wanted," and you were all, "But it's totally what I wanted too," and then she was all, "You always have to be right, don't you?" and you were all, "What the fuck just happened?" and then you politely ended the call and didn't talk to her for another year or so. Because if you can't talk about the hardships, then where is the heart and meaning in letting go of the resentments and growing to appreciate that even if she started some seriously weird fights over nothing, at least she was there. Unlike that big fake, your father! Where the fuck were you, asshole?

Um. *cough* So.

Due to holding hands, they morph together to become the Omni-Monitor.

Is Scott Snyder suggesting children should band together and rise up to overthrow their parents? Even if it were to save the world, there's no way you'd get me to merge with my sister. Gross. Why is Snyder even suggesting such a possibility?! Weirdo.

John Stewart finally mentions he's an architect while speaking with Alan Scott. His days as an architect have been overshadowed by his days as a marine pretty much since the New 52 began. Although I'm not sure he's really concerned with his days as an architect when he follows up "I'm a soldier and an architect" with "Both work on the belief that every fight, every founding struggle, serves an overall climb." Maybe he's confusing a career architect with the more metaphorical use of architect when discussing the framers of the constitution or the founding fathers attempting to build democracy. I don't ever remember Mike Brady discussing his work as if every job were a fight or a struggle serving an overall climb. Mostly he was just desperate to impress his boss with new designs of theme parks as he pulled out posters of Yogi Bear.

The plan to defeat Luthor and Perpetua needs impeccable timing so of course one part of the plan fires off before it should. That part is Hawkwoman. Lex Luthor gets in her head and she flips the fuck out just the way a good Hawkperson always does. Now she might burn out all of her energy before Starman can set up a cosmic link between the Justice League in the past using the Conch of Arion to establish their position and the Justice League in the future getting their ass kicked by Brainiac One Million as Kamandi comes up with a plan to link with Starman. The plan is so complex I figured it needed an equally complex sentence to explain it.

Everybody in the past and everybody in the future are acting as if what they do is urgent. Why? Why is it urgent? The action happening in the present isn't happening at the same time as the action happening in the future and the past. The guys in the past can take years to get the job done and it wouldn't matter! Just because I, as an independent observer, am reading all of these story arcs at the same time, it doesn't mean the stories are happening at the same time. Starman can just contact the people in the future and the past exactly at the point they're ready for him whenever he thinks it's convenient to contact them! He doesn't have to wait until they accomplish whatever they're doing. Whatever they need done has already been accomplished! Especially the deed in the past but also the deed in the future, by the way all of this shit works. I mean, the future still exists for the Justice League to travel to so Starman must be successful in the present. Right?! Is that how time works?!

I know I'm discussing comic book time travel but I'd still like some kind of structure to the logic of it all!

It's always a bad idea to introduce more interesting characters as second stringers or background actors into the middle of an epic. Because now I don't give a fuck about Luthor and the Legion of Doom. I want more Vandal Savage and the Legionnaires Club stories!

Apparently everything is going wrong and the multiverse is going to succumb to doom. And only one kid can save it all: Kamandi, the last girl on Earth! But she realizes that she can't save the multiverse by herself because the multiverse can't be saved by just one person and also it can't be saved by just however many people compromise the current Justice League and Justice Society. No, the exact amount of people to save the multiverse includes Batman Beyond and his Justice League! Why they weren't helping before or why they exist in Kamandi's world, I have no idea. Maybe Kamandi jumped from one Brainiac jar to the next to find them? You know what, I don't care. I don't even care that Batman Beyond is entering into this comic book. I was never that interested in it and was even less interested in it when it turned out he was Tim Drake just before Tim Drake became a vampire and time traveled back to the twenty-first century to become Harvest.

Justice League #33 Rating: I don't know. Who am I to rate somebody else's work? If you enjoy comic book writing and art, this is probably an A. Unless you only like the specific comic book writing and art paid for by Marvel and then this is probably a big fat F unless you can think of a lower grade. Maybe you just love Snyder's work because you're James Tynion IV and then this is an Omni-A+. But then again, you might be a comicsgater who hates that there are so many female and black characters in this comic book which is obviously just pandering because when you think like a comicsgater, what else is there, in which case this is a big Cuck-F-Doodle-Doo! I don't fucking care what anybody thinks and I don't know why anybody cares what I ultimately think. Just read the stupid jokes I made about the comic and my parents and fucking be happy with that! I'm not here to tell you what to think otherwise! I'm probably even going to drop the rating part so that you jerks can start thinking for yourselves!

Green Arrow #40

Why is Felicity even in this scene? I'm already upset that Batman and Lex Luthor are here. At least replace Felicity with Emiko and this cover makes a little bit more sense.

Seattle! American setting!
But the city don't know what the city is getting.
The crème de la crème of the hero world
In a show with everything but Blue Beetle.

Arrows fly--doesn't seem a minute
Since the giant Space Needle had a bat guy in it.
Deranged. Don't you know that when you
Fight at this level there's no ordinary venue.

It's Gotham or Metropolis or Coast City.
Or...or this place!

One night in Seattle and you're soon on mushrooms,
Staring for hours at the EMP.
Lock the door on every public restroom
Unless you're not really there to pee.
I can feel a stranger sidling up to me.

One town's very like another
When you're kicking some thug in the testes, brother.

It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To have a guy with a bow keeping watch on your city.

Whattya mean?
You'd rather have some stinking, crazy man in a bat suit?

Batgirls, Supergirls
There's never been an Arrowgirl on any Seattle street.

That's right! You're talking to a hero
Who's a chauvinist pig. Let me be clear though:
I still let women work beneath me, sunshine.

One night in Seattle makes a bad guy wonder,
"Why did I stay in Gotham for so long?"
One night in Seattle and a bad guy blunders
Into an Arrow Net. It's all so wrong.
How could you be caught by such a fucking dong?

Goddamn. Attack from up above
Gonna knock a guy out with a flying Boxing Glove.
That's no worse than a fucking batarang or an emerald light ring.

Thank God Seattle's criminals don't have super powers or invulnerability.

I don't see you guys complaining
While I fight crime where it's constantly raining.
This time I need help so I had to invite you,
Are the Queen and his bow not enough to excite you.

Then go back to your LexCorps, your Arkhams, your Ann Nocenti titles.

One night in Seattle and your ratings are falling.
Nobody cares about a guy with a bow.
One night in Seattle and the death knell's calling.
Sales keep on hitting a new all time low.
Maybe you'd do better on a TV show.

"One Night in Bangkok" might be the best song ever. Unless the best song ever is actually "Jessie's Girl." Unless it's "Invincible." Yeah, you know what? I think it's "Invincible" by Benatar.

Well that one panel straightens out why Roy Harper would deign to help out Oliver. Now we just need one more panel to clear up why Batman and Lex Luthor give a shit. And I just mean one panel. I'm sure they're both helping out for the same reason and it probably involves stocks.

Felicity is on the front lines of the raid because she needs to hack into King's computer system. So instead of running around trying to hack in from a tablet, she's carrying a laptop open in front of her as she hacks away by pecking at it with one hand and dodging bullets. Shouldn't Batman have stopped this and mentioned that he knows somebody just as good with computers who can actually handle being in a battle like this without needing Diggle for protection? Batman's no help at all. I bet he already lectured everybody about no killing before they even began the mission. And then Katana was all, "Well then why the fuck am I here?!" And Batman was all, "I know, right? Hey! Remember when I ran a super hero team with you on it for some reason? Oh, I remember the reason! I needed a mother figure for Halo!"

Cupid. One dimensional and she uses a bow! I'm so far from interested I'm practically brain dead!

That was the panel that establishes that Cupid is obsessed with Oliver to the point that she sees children as a threat to her sexual relationships. Sorry, her "fantasy sexual relationships."

Naomi has also returned as the new Red Dart. I don't know where Henry Fyff is. I guess he didn't get the invite. Ollie probably thought he'd hamper the mission by stuffing pizza into his face willy nilly. That's what fat characters do in television, movie, and comic book scripts, right? You always have to show how they love to eat because that's totally accurate. Whenever some fat person helps me in the real world, it always takes longer than normal because they're busy shoving doughnut topped pizzas in their mouth and wiping grease on everything.

It's actually not that bad anymore. But I guarantee if you watch a movie or a television show from the eighties and one of the characters is overweight, there will be jokes made about their eating and they will almost always have some kind of food in their hands or all over their shirts or coming out of their face-holes.

Meanwhile Batman is threatening a cop or a lawyer or somebody. He informs the guy that his friends will be sending some evidence indicating John King's guilt in some nefarious activities and when it arrives, this guy needs to press charges. And if he doesn't, Batman will break something. And the room doesn't contain anything breakable! The most unbelievable part of this scene is that Batman calls Green Arrow and Lex Luthor his "friends."

Oh look! She took my advice and ditched the laptop for a tablet! Screw continuity because this makes more sense.

According to the above scan, Felicity must be dead now. Green Arrow can probably survive the blast because he's a super hero and even without invulnerability, they seem to weather explosions fairly well.

Being that I'm reading a comic book and not a biography of Oliver Queen, Green Arrow and Felicity survive being at the center of an explosion. They wind up, through grappling arrow technology, safe and sound on the floor beneath the explosion. Luckily Felicity still has her iPad which she must have shoved down her pants as she was flying through the air. Or maybe this is just her backup pad that she keeps tucked into her bra. Time to put the King in checkmate! Do you think Oliver will use that line when they finally bring him down?

Oliver's ex-girlfriend arrives with King on speaker phone. He tells them they have twenty minutes to bring Felicity's hard drive to him or Mia will die. Does he not know how technology works? First off, her iPad doesn't have a "hard drive." It just kind of is a hard drive with a screen! And twenty minutes? His life is going to be ruined in thirty seconds thanks to email! He's just giving them nineteen and a half extra minutes to kick his ass and save Mia while still ruining his life. Also, Oliver should be saying "Checkmate" in about nineteen and a half minutes!

Oliver battles King and has the upper hand. King is all but defeated when Mia decides to shoot him in the back. She doesn't shoot her father King which is what you'd have expected if you already knew that she just wanted the gun so that she could kill her father. No, she shoots Oliver first which only makes sense if she knows she's in a comic book and she's trying to string the readers along or shock them with Oliver's death. When the gun doesn't have a second bullet in it because King knew better than to completely trust his daughter, she reveals that she knew Oliver wears Kevlar and then Ollie rolls over and shoots King. It all makes perfect sense if you don't actually give a shit about what you're writing, Kreisberg and Sokolowski! Queen had defeated King so why did Mia shoot Oliver if she just wanted her father caught? If she wanted her father dead, why not just shoot him instead of shooting Queen? If King thought his daughter might still betray him, why give her a gun with even one bullet in it? What kind of evil genius is he to assume she's going to betray him but not after she kills Oliver Queen?

Nobody ever says checkmate. How do you write such a shitty story and not tag it with the "Checkmate!" line?! I'm so disappointed in these guys.

Green Arrow #40 Rating: -2 Ranking. Green Arrow's army was a bullshit wasted gimmick and I'm pissed off that they even bothered with it. Arsenal appeared in two panels. He shouldn't have been there in the first place and then he wasn't even utilized. Why the fuck even bring him in? Lex Luthor does nothing but shoot a bolt or two out of his super suit. Batman simply threatens a guy. Katana does nothing. Emiko appears simply to make Cupid jealous so that she can say her one line. This entire finale could have been pulled off with just the usual characters. Diggle could have threatened the district attorney while Felicity and Oliver break into King's offices. Nobody else was needed. It was all fucking bullshit! Who let Kreisberg and Sokolowski near this comic book?! It had a vibe going that was kind of working and now it's CW's Arrow-lite! I'm not surprised though. This is the sixth(?) iteration of Oliver Queen since the Reboot. All of them have been vastly different characters, so why not keep trying new versions of Oliver Queen? What's really stupid about his oscillating personality is that he had a perfectly good one that everybody already identified with him! You know, the chauvinist liberal who was always pissing off Black Canary and Hawkman?! Can we just have that Oliver Queen back in June? Give that one a try! He seemed to work for years!

Green Arrow #39

Has Ollie suddenly forgotten how to use a bow?

Last issue ended on the most original cliffhanger ever devised in comic book history! The bad guy had put a bounty on Green Arrow's head and turned the local authorities against him! Holy shit! Why has nobody ever thought of that before?! And get this twist: the bad guy has everybody thinking he's the good guy and he's helping the city when really he's hurting the city and Green Arrow, who everybody now thinks is hurting the city, is actually trying to help the city! Oh, it's so clever it makes my butt hurt.

What's more, Oliver Queen, once a billionaire, has lost all of his money! Um, again! And now to top off all of his troubles and tribulations, Felicity Smoak is being arrested for trademark infringement due to speaking like a Joss Whedon character without express written consent of the NFL.

And to top off the top off, Oliver's current penis cozy, Zehra, is behind his bankrupture!

Speaking of Oliver Queen Penis Cozies, can just one woman in the Arrow television show keep him out of her vagina? I think his sister Thea is the only vagina he hasn't been in and I'm including his mother because, you know! I have a feeling Oliver is eventually going to find out that Thea isn't a blood relation and they're going to fuck up against the glass window of her apartment as Felicity watches from the street with one lone tear rolling down her cheek.

Oh! I've forgotten to mention the name of the bad guy: King! Get it! It's King against Queen! Ah ha ha ha! Ow! My butt!

"I am the bad guy! Argh! I love being bad! Being good is dumb!"

"I am the good guy! I say clever rejoinders! I wear a good sweater! Being bad is stupid and bad!"

Oliver asks Zehra how she could do this to him and she points out that she's into winners and not losers. Ollie gets the hint and walks out on her before she also calls him a broomhead. The "L" on the forehead with her finger and thumb was harsh enough.

Felicity is arrested and thrown directly into jail because she rolled doubles three times in a row. She's really enjoying her time in prison because she gets to wear an orange jumpsuit that is definitely orange no matter how much Felicity insists that it isn't. And I know orange because I successfully navigated kindergarten. Barely.

Felicity's cellmate is a huge Guns N' Roses fan. She's also Cheetah the Cheetah Lady. How come when Cheetah turned into a Cheetah Goddess, she grew a tail but not four more breasts?

"We are the stupid sheep citizens! We need saving but we'll be ungrateful when we get saved because duh! Duh! Der!"

Diggle thinks the populace is dumb, does he? Well what about how dumb he is!

"Impermeable"! Who does he think he's talking to? Aquaman?

Some guy helps Oliver break into prison to save Felicity. Should I know who he is? Is he that Manhunter guy, Mark Shaw? He did get his New 52 secret origin in Cheetah #1! And he also appeared in the television show Arrow. But he didn't have blond hair in Cheetah #1, so maybe it's just some guy that I'm not supposed to know. Or I'm supposed to know and I just haven't been paying close enough attention. Whoever he is, he knows Green Arrow is Oliver Queen (it seems almost everybody does at this point).

And thus the day is saved and Felicity gets to say one of those awkward double entendre things she loves to say.

Later, Diggle, Ollie, and Felicity go to meet their chess pieces so they can battle King's chess pieces.

I get why Lex and Bruce are here because they're part of the Billionaire Boys Club. And Katana and Emiko are Outsiders, so they have to help out as well. And I guess that's Naomi making her return? Maybe? And I guess Cupid is here because she thinks she loves Green Arrow. But why the fuck would Roy come back? Isn't he still pissed at Oliver for stealing his ideas?!

Green Arrow #39 Rating: No change. It's good to know that in a DC Supermax prison, nobody fucking cares about the prisoners. Don't worry about isolating Cheetah even though she's got the powers of a Cheetah God and dangerous claws and hungers for flesh and is completely angry at everything all of the time. I'm sure a roommate will do her good! And hey, why not let the inmates of a Supermax prison wander around outside of their cells and eat their meals in a cafeteria like normal people because they aren't hardly super dangerous at all! I guess everybody at the Supermax has crown tattoos on their wrists. At least the art is on par with the writing! (That means it's crappy too!)

Green Arrow #38

Another cover with Ollie way up in the sky with his bow cocked.

At the end of last issue, Hal Jordan managed to arrive on Earth just in the nick of time to catch Ollie, Diggle, and Felicity as they were thrown out of John King's Party Blimp. But Hal is attacked by a flying chess piece with shoulder mounted rockets, so he drops everybody and has to catch them again. He caught them with a net last time instead of a gigantic catcher's mitt. This time he catches them with...hands. Just giant green hands. What does Hal suddenly have against gigantic green catcher's mitts?

Here's a short synopsis of Hal Jordan's trip to Earth to save his buddy and his buddy's bodyguard and his buddy's sex kitten:

Notice anything wrong with it? Where's Guy Gardner whining about Earth being off limits to Green Lanterns?!

Arrow asks Hal to "suit him up" and Green Lantern uses his immensely powerful ring to make clothing and a bow and a quiver of arrows for Oliver. Jesus Christ. Can the Guardians just take his ring away from him already? Why does he keep proving Sinestro right that he has no idea how to use the ring? At least he didn't give Oliver a mace. Granted, Oliver now gets to shoot the most powerful arrows he's ever shot before, so I guess that's a plus in the Hal Jordan sort of knows what he's doing column.

So they beat up the guy in the armor just in time for a commercial break.

This is where I'd write a fake commercial if I gave a shit about what I'm doing. Oh wait! Here's an advertisement: The Art of Tacoman and Them Others!

Back from the commercial, some guy named Dr. Cross finds out that Seattle General Hospital has come under the control of a Dr. Steve Reynolds that apparently doesn't like collecting insurance money from patients on indefinite life support. Dr. Reynolds threatens to kill Dr. Cross as well as the terminally ill patients because Dr. Cross does like taking money from insurance companies. Luckily for one of them, Katana arrives to save the day and kill orderlies.

And she's all out of orderlies!

Hal and Oliver wind up at the hospital to help out because...well, I have to admit, I don't know why they end up there. Ollie gets a message from Dr. Cross about the psychotic Dr. Reynolds killing patients but I don't know how Oliver knows Cross. I suppose I haven't been paying close enough attention to some of the comic books I've been reading lately. Just chalk it up to that thing I said about not giving a shit about what I'm doing.

Was Ollie going to pierce that guy's throat with an arrow? Or do these guys practice this routine?

Hal and Ollie save the hospital or something from whatever Reynolds was up to. I don't know what this whole diversion was about. Does Kriesberg know that you can't pad a comic book like you pad a television season? Every fucking story needs to count since they only come out once a month! I don't need this bullshit story where some doctor goes crazy and every orderly in the building decides to back him on his murder plans. Are we suddenly in fucking Gotham? No, no. If this were Gotham, at least Dr. Reynolds would have an interesting personality, a scary mask, and a psychotic pet peeve.

We are characters interacting and growing from experiences!

Hal leaves after helping out at the hospital because he's not supposed to be using his ring on Earth or else he's going to have to have a conversation with Guy Gardner. And he'd like to avoid that if possible. So instead of giving Oliver Simon Baz's number, he just flies away. But first Hal calls Ollie an ass and then Ollie calls Hal an ass and...wait...why the fuck did Hal fly across the galaxy to save Oliver from falling out of a blimp and then point out that he's not allowed on Earth? Was it easier for Ollie to get in contact with Hal Jordan than to contact Stargirl or Animal Man or Martian Manhunter? This comic book is really testing my patience right now! Especially after these two exchanges separated by a mere six pages:

"Ready for another round?" "Always!"

"Ready for another round?" "Can't! Shouldn't be here! Bye!"

Immediately after Green Lantern leaves, the police chief declares Green Arrow a menace and a madman, stating that he attacked John King. King puts a five million dollar bounty on Arrow's head which the police chief passes along because that's responsible policing. I know he's being manipulated by John King but nobody watching the news thinks this is odd that the cops are announcing a hit on somebody on television? I guess people watching local news for actual news aren't really much for thinking for themselves, so I guess it makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that Green Arrow is on the street watching this in a crowd and the sound is blaring out across the neighborhood for some reason. Who would live in that neighborhood? Turn that shit down, motherfuckers!

Anyway, the crowd goes wild and decides that five million dollars is worth throwing a beer can at a dangerous man with a bow and arrow. Why are all the common people in comic books just stupid fucking sheep constantly manipulated by the powers tha...fuck. You know what. Never mind. I just got super depressed thinking about how accurate comic books can sometimes be.

And finally, John King is threatening Oliver's current girlfriend. He wants her to get one of those tattoos of a crown that shows she's owned by King. I guess. Whatever.

Green Arrow #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. Oh Green Arrow! You thought the days of J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti were far behind you, didn't you?! Well how do you feel now that Jeff Lemire abandoned you, hunh? Not feeling too good, are you?! Plots are getting a little ridiculous, characters are acting a little crazy, dialogue is once again feeling forced and unbelievable! Things aren't as bad as they've been, Ollie, but so far this is definitely a huge step down from the Lemire plots.

Green Arrow #37

Must the cover of this comic book always depict Green Arrow ninety feet in the air with his bow cocked?

Last issue, Felicity Smoaks joined Green Arrow's team because she knew his secret identity and pointed out how she was hired to kill him. I bet the real reason Oliver allowed her to join was that he's already fallen in love with her. And by "fallen in love with her," of course I mean "physically attracted to her to the point of distraction that will constantly eat away at his mind until the relationship is finally consummated and then the magic will suddenly have fled from the relationship." And by "magic" I mean "the need to have sex with a person that you have yet to have sex with." All Disney movies end before the relationship can be consummated not because Disney movies are rated "G" but because that's the moment "true love" becomes "That's it?"

This issue begins with the Seattle Police being told by "The King" to stand down and not help Green Arrow battle Merlyn. What could the cops do to help anyway? They're not armed with bows! You don't bring an inferior weapon like a gun to a bow and arrow pony show.

Nice. Make fun of the burn victim's scars, you ableist cunt!

Do you see all of that traffic Merlyn and Mia are running over? Or flying over? Or arrowing over? Well, that shit won't stop Diggle as he drives up to pick up Oliver and chase them down. Two blocks past the bridge, Arrow finds Merlyn and Mia on top of Seattle's monorail (which has really revitalized the city, if you ask me!).

Heh. I mentioned the monorail before actually reading this part where Felicity mentions the monorail. It's just such a fantastic boon for the city and for people that hate walking five blocks!

Green Arrow and Merlyn have begin an exciting battle atop the monorail which will take them to the Great Wheel and hopefully culminate atop the Space Needle! And then Merlyn can fall to his death and land on top of the Experience Music Project Museum where nobody will be able to tell that his corpse wasn't part of the architecture.

As they battle, Merlyn recognizes Oliver even though Oliver is wearing a hood and goggles. But Merlyn's face is so scarred that Oliver probably won't recognize him. Plus Oliver is probably drunk.

Merlyn gets away and Oliver saves Mia who proves that she's going to be a feisty sidekick when she mouths off to him at every opportunity.

Meanwhile, Katana is chasing down The King and beating down priests. I almost didn't recognize Katana due to her coherent dialogue. I am disappointed that she didn't give me some Wikipedia facts about priests or the church though.

Katana: "Maybe now you'll reconsider my question. Whose orders are you following?"
Priest: "I devote my life to him. Not you."
Katana: "Your God won't save you now."
Priest: "Not the Lord. The King."
Katana: "So you must be a member of the Church of England which King Henry VIII, in 1534, declared himself the head of?"
Priest: "No, but even if I was, the Church of England was reunited with Rome in 1555 under Queen Mary I and King Philip!"
Katana: "Yes, but then Queen Elizabeth I rejected the Pope's authority with the Act of Supremacy of 1558!"
Priest: "Which, once again, was turned about some months later with the...."
Katana: *STAB STAB CUT STAB STAB KILL*

Mia's dad turns out to be a guy named John King. I wonder if he has any connection to this King guy everybody is following! What a coincidence! John King just happens to be the third richest man in the country behind Luthor and Wayne. Poor Ollie! He could have been one of the top three if he hadn't lost his business to that guy in Hong Kong. Unless he lost the business to his dad's partner when everybody thought he was dead. Unless he lost his business for one of the other half dozen reasons I can't remember right now and might possibly be making up to make it seem like there were more than two reasons for his losing his business. And what about the Kords? They've got to be in the top five richest assholes in the United States, right?

Wait. Why did Ollie take his hood and goggles off? Do cute blonde girls get a pass on the whole secret identity thing?

John King is also an incredibly bad person who murdered his wife in front of Mia, his daughter. I'm correct in assuming that makes him incredibly bad, right?

Oliver, Diggle, and Felicity wind up at one of King's fundraisers later that night. It's aboard a blimp! Why fight on top of a monorail or a Ferris wheel or the Space Needle when you can fight on top of a blimp. With sharp, pointy arrows!

Hey! "Prodigal" is actually being used in its definitive sense of "wastefully extravagant" here! Probably on accident though since it's also working in its generally accepted usage of "long absent" which is due to the adjective being misapplied to the wrong aspect of the son in that Bible story.

King lets Oliver know immediately that he knows Ollie is Green Arrow. Oliver is not very happy being that John King is not a cute blonde girl. Well, that's what he gets when he recklessly gives away his secret identity to people he's working with and then allows them to leave his organization. I bet Naomi and Henry are selling all of his details to underworld organizations to fund their tropical retirement.

Kreisberg really likes the idea of Green Arrow battling other people that also think they're saving the city. So Oliver isn't just battling thugs to keep the city safe; he's generally battling other powerful people that want to control the city and keep it "safe" in their own way. So in the television show, he's battled Merlyn and Brother Blood. Now in the comic book, he's battling John King who is really just another aspect of his television show rivals.

Everybody just wants to be the one in control.

Oliver, Felicity, and Diggle get thrown off the blimp by King and his peasants. Luckily Oliver called in a favor earlier and Hal Jordan has arrived to save their lives. I guess that's why Ollie looked so calm as they were falling to their deaths. I'm disappointed Hal catches them in a net instead of a catcher's mitt though. Who knew Hal Jordan could receive text messages while in deep space? That's a great provider he's got.

Green Arrow #37 Rating: No change. Are Ollie and Hal about to go on a road trip to discover the real America and its real problems that can't be solved with a simple punch in the mouth?! I think this is the closest we'll get to those days. Well, this and a mention of a mugging on the corner of Adams and O'Neil.

Green Arrow #36

Does Green Arrow always have to be in the act of shooting an arrow on the cover? I get it! He's an archer!

The last issue ended with Felicity Smoak telling Green Arrow that she had been hired to kill him. We know from the television show that she's the best hacker in the entire universe and would never be caught hacking into whatever she's hacking into. So as soon as Diggle says he's found traces of a hacker, we (the readers! Not the Royal 'We'!) know it's all a setup. Felicity obviously just wanted to meet Green Arrow and get his cock all up in her. That's sexy romance literature language for making love. The only other option is that Felicity is a huge badass mercenary death monster and she's about to kill Oliver Queen!

This issue begins with Mia Deardon pickpocketing people on the streets of Seattle. She's the person some person named Mr. King is trying to hunt down. So I guess she's important somehow. Maybe she has diamonds in her stomach. Her friend Trevor calls her "Speedy" so we know where this is going! Right? Maybe you should tell me.

Anyway, Mia's pursued by some business suited thugs but is saved when some guy who knows her mother murders them all. It's practically a coming of age story by Charles Dickens or maybe Edgar Allen Poe.

Oh look! It really is Felicity! Because Oliver points out she talks a lot! Just like on the television show!

Felicity casually mentions that she knows Green Arrow's secret identity because Kreisberg has to get her onto the team as quickly as possible! We've already watched how she joined the team on the television show and we don't want to rehash all of that! Especially since it took so long. And hopefully Kreisberg will avoid the huge mistake he and his writers made on the television show by making Felicity a love interest of Oliver's. Jesus Christ, television writers. Does Oliver need to have a relationship with every woman on the show that he isn't related to? And that might not even be a limit! I bet Thea puts the moves on him at some point since she's only half related to him!

Felicity tells Oliver that only she and some street girl can help Ollie catch whoever hired her to kill him. And that's that! She's on the team! And I don't mind that they trust her so easily since who wants to read three months worth of comic book stories where they dance around that fact that she's inevitably going to be on the team anyway? I'm sure Diggle or Ollie will eventually whisper to the other one, "Are you sure we can trust her?" And the other will say, "What choice do we have?" And that will be the end of that!

Meanwhile the man that wants Ollie dead is playing John Lithgow's character from Dexter.

Mixed with a little bit of the "Brother" Blood character from the television show. I guess Oliver always has to battle other people that have a vision to save the city. But in the wrong way!

Mister King mentions Bethany Snow and Channel 52 News, so I guess that puts Ambush Bug in current continuity! Ha ha! In your face, DC Comics! Now I know he's out there somewhere!

Mister King tells his henchmen to hire some guy that will be able to kill Ollie and Mia and the guy she was saved by, Mack Morgan. Who will the assassin be?! I doubt Deathstroke will be headed over to this comic book for this job. Maybe it'll be that guy Stillborn that tried to kill Deathstroke when Rob Liefeld was "writing" that series.

See? Talks like she's from Sunnydale! Oh, I, um, mentioned that last commentary, didn't I?

Judging by the arrow, the killer must be Merlyn. Notice how nobody is shocked that this guy was assassinated by an arrow? The whole archer schtick is way overdone in Starling City Seattle.

With Felcity's help, Diggle and Green Arrow track down Mia and rescue her from King's men. But just when they think they're going to get away and gather up the evidence to convict King of whatever horrible things he's been up to, King's assassin arrives so that they have to have another think.

Merlyn's face is probably messed up from that time the oil rig exploderated all over Ollie's wild oil rig party.

Green Arrow #36 Rating: No change. I guess Merlyn wound up on an island adjacent to the island that Oliver washed up on where he learned how to use a bow and arrow but just a little bit better than Oliver did. I don't think Seattle should be full of archers. Its heroes should be fire dancers and Burning Man refugees.

Green Arrow #35

Are Naomi and Henry losing their jobs to Felicty now?

This looks like a really exciting comic book that somebody slapped a Green Arrow sticker on the cover of. I want to see Batman and Lex Luthor battle while Felicity figures out how to shut down Flood Control Dam #3.

While watching the television show that believed Green Arrow would be ridiculous if he was known by anything other than just "Arrow," I noticed that one of the ARGUS agents that was trying to leave ARGUS was named Mark Shaw. My first thought was, "Isn't that Manhunter?" So later I looked through my old Who's Who comic books and Manhunter was never known by the name Mark Shaw. At least before 1983. But earlier today, somebody liked my commentary on Cheetah #1 (which has some typos I have never gone back to correct), so I reread it. In that comic book, Mark Shaw shows up! And he's called Manhunter! So my memory seems to find the worst garbage in the world to remember while I can't remember important, life saving information like the name of my sister-in-common-law when I'm talking to her face to face. It's a good thing she assumes I always know her name and she doesn't randomly quiz me about it! Because then I might die from fingernail poisoning.

Kreisberg completely Lobdells the opening to this first issue.

Just because Kreisberg begins this like Lobdell begins all of his comic books with the character introducing themselves to the reader because Lobdell seems to think people only buy comic books that have had their covers ripped off, it doesn't mean it's bad! This is actually a pretty clever in-joke! Green Arrow has spent the first three-quarters of his New 52 life as a complete jerk because he was written by hacks like J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti.

This story arc is called "Kingdom" and the first chapter is called "Foundation." Yes, that's correct! This isn't "part one"; it's "Chapter One!" That makes it more literary! I bet that's how Kreisberg got the job!

Kreisberg: "I have a pitch for a Green Arrow comic book, lover boy!"
Johns: "*mumblemumblemumble*"
Kreisberg: "What was that? Here, let me move my dick."
Johns: "Let's hear your pitch, Big Cock!"
Kreisberg: "Okay! Picture this!" *Kreisberg spreads out his arms, his erect phallus flopping against his own chin* "The story will be broken into...CHAPTERS!"
Johns: "Wha?! That's so...so...literary!"
Kreisberg: "Oh yeah. That'll get all them bitch boys reading Vonnegut and Salinger to give this medium a second chance!"
Johns: "Great idea! Now if Lemire won't suck me off, the book is yours!"

Maybe that's why Jeff Lemire decided to write a crappy "Save the Future!" story in Justice League United! Because he was pissed that he lost Green Arrow to Kreisberg, he decided to completely tank his Justice League United book. That would teach Geoff "Casting Couch" Johns...well, it would teach him something! Something about ethics or morals or economic decisions based on who is willing to suck off whom.

Whenever Green Arrow does this, does he have to restring his bow when he lands? And why is he carrying so many hotdogs? And should I be referring to him as just Arrow now?

Generally when a new writer comes along, the hero's retinue wind up unemployed and out of a job. Diggle is lucky because he was from the show anyway, so he can stay. But Naomi and Fyff are out on their asses (cute and fat, respectively). Looks like Green Arrow needs to hold an interview for an IT person with a cute face that loves to wear horrible dresses and talks like she's from Sunnydale! That would be Felicity, in case you weren't following my train of thought.

Also, The Glades are now a part of Seattle!

The doctor that removes the bullet from Oliver's arm has a pin on his lapel that is a crescent moon. Do you think he might wind up being Doctor Mid-nite?! I hope not!

Oliver Queen is an hour late for a meeting with some rich assholes that want to get Queen Industries back on its feet after it was lost to some Asian ghost monster, or lost to a business partner while Oliver was fucking triplets, or lost to...oh, I can't remember how he lost it! I'm sure it was stupid though!

Neither of these guys would have waited an hour for Oliver Queen.

I figure Bruce only waited because he didn't want Lex dealing with Oliver alone. And Lex only waited because he knew Batman would have to wait with him which meant he could have some thugs robbing banks in Gotham concurrently.

To convince Oliver to throw Queen Enterprises into the pot with Waynetech and Lexcorps, Lex throws out some numbers. He says the merger between his company and Bruce's has produced an economy "greater than ninety-five percent of the national GDP." So they've basically doubled the amount of money being made in America?! With just their two firms? That's capitalism out of control! Who gave these two assholes so much power to sink the world economy? Now the GDP of the United States is twice as large as it was before. What happens if, say, the CEO of one of these merged companies should...I don't know...try to enslave the world and wind up in prison watching all of his stock shares plummet through the basement?!

You know what? I don't even know what I'm talking about! The only thing I remember from my economics class in high school is that Soylent Green is people.

You tell him, Bruce! What kind of an asshole thinks of a city as their own?!

Meanwhile some guy named Mr. King is looking for some woman named Mia Deardon. The name sounds familiar but it must be one of those things my brain has decided wasn't important enough to remember.

And then Felicity Smoak shows up telling Green Arrow that she was hired to kill him. Which probably means she was hired to kill him but she'll point out next issue how she has no intention of going through with it and she was only caught hacking the Queen Foundation account by Dig because she wanted to be caught and now that she has Green Arrow's attention, how does she get on his payroll?

Green Arrow #35 Rating: No change. Of course Kreisberg and Sokolowski would steer the comic book to being more like the television show. I don't mind that since, at least so far, Ollie seems to be the same guy that just recently took his city back in Lemire's run of the comic book. And what long time comic book fan doesn't expect a change in supporting characters whenever a new writer comes onto a book? It's par for the windmill hole with those stupid blades always trying to knock your ball back at you so you have to chase it down before it falls into a pond.

Batman Loves Superman #11

Is that Rebis?!

Last issue of Doomed, Superman learned to control his rage. Normally he doesn't have any rage because he was raised by a couple of tea totaling do-gooders who taught him that rage was the devil's lubricant. But ever since Clark tangoed with Doomsday, he's been having a little trouble being happy and knowing it. But Wonder Woman convinced him that he could stop being a major dickhole if he truly believed, and so he believed. He seems better now. I guess that's the end of Doomed!

Superman's next problem is that Lois Lane basically gave the location of ground zero of Wonder Woman's battle with Infected Superman as Clark Kent's apartment. Tongues are going to wag!

This issue is called "Danger Zone" because it was written by Sterling Archer, I guess.

Hooray! The Fortress of Solitude is back in the Arctic!

Batman finds Krypto sick on the doorstep because Superman hasn't installed a doggy door. Wonder Woman and Steel join Batman so they can investigate Clark's secret things. I wonder if Batman's tongue would stick to Steel's armor?

Once inside the Fortress of Solitude, Batman decides to give up on his Master Detective Skills and follow a dog. He thinks Krypto is after Doomsday but what the fuck does Bruce know about Krypto? He could be after Kryptonite Greenies. Krypto dives into the Phantom Zone because that irresponsible Superdick left the fucking portal open. Maybe all the paranoid assholes of Earth are correct! Maybe Superman is a danger to Earth simply because he's an absent-minded asshole filling his home with loads of dangerous items. Just a matter of time before he leaves out a weapon that will wind up destroying the world.

Anyway, even though Batman and Wonder Woman know little about The Phantom Zone, they follow a sickly dog into it. Fuck them. Good riddance. Anybody dumb enough to make that move doesn't deserve to continue living in the DC Universe! Except Krypto! Come on, boy! You can find your way out! Come on! You can do it!

Okay. I guess Superman briefed his fellow Justice League members on this place. That makes stupid logic.

Inside the Phantom Zone, Batman and Wonder Woman discover Mongul and a Kryptonian named Non dry humping a huge crack in the sky. I know this is a prison world but that's some weird behavior. Wonder Woman thinks so too, so she closes the crack so she doesn't have to watch the spectacle.

I wonder where Mongul parked Warworld?

Inside the Phantom Zone, the Super Friends and their little dog make a new friend: Ghost Soldier! I know, you probably don't remember him because it's such a stupid name. Although maybe that's why you'd remember him. Superman kicked his ass in Action Comics a few issues ago. Now he's helping to stop Doomsday because he was part of The Tower that freed Doomsday. It all makes sense if you want it to and you don't have me explaining it in a way that makes it sound like it doesn't make sense.

And after making a new friend, they meet the Evil Mr. Smartypants behind The Phantom Zone's new look and feel.

Oh yeah! I keep forgetting about this jerk.

Currently Superman is sitting around with Lex Luthor staring at him over a cup of coffee. Probably. I don't really know since half of the title characters have yet to appear in this issue.

Xa-Du, being a stereotypical Evil Mr. Smartypants, decides to tell Wonder Woman and Batman how this whole Doomsday mess began. Why not? They're not going to live to escape The Phantom Zone anyway, right? WRONGO BUSTER! That's just the kind of Evil Mr. Smartypants' thinking that gets all Evil Mr. Smartypantses into trouble! When are y'all going to learn to zip your fucking lip and just start killing shit? I'm so disappointed in all of you! ALL OF YOU!

I think that other gift was Doomsday.

While Batman and Wonder Woman and Krypto waste time listening to Xa-Du blab about ancient history, the Kryptonian Non escapes from The Phantom Zone! And since the only person standing in his way is Steel, New Earth is probably fucked.

Except Wonder Woman returns to save the day. They all return! Even Krypto! And especially Batman! And tagging along behind them: Xa-Du! I guess he's supposed to know how to save Superman or something.

Batman Loves Superman #11 Rating: No change. It was a decent enough comic book and it starred Krypto, so I give it a solid pass. The only bad part is how it ended explaining that the next Chapter of [Infected] will take place in Superman #31. I currently have that comic book in my stack of comics to read and it doesn't have the Doomed Chapter 4 text on the cover. So I'm hoping DC changed their minds and kicked Lobdell off the Doomed story arc! Except Superman has bony growths on his face on the cover and Lois Lane is acting like Brainiac. So I think my hope was born dead.

Here is where Pelafina sits and yells at me while I read comic books in my office.

Birds of Prey #28

I bet Condor's name is Swan and he's still boring.

If you missed last issue, you missed a real treat! Condor was all, "Who wants me on the team?! Everybody who wants me on the team raise their hands!" And Batgirl was all, "Yeah, I guess," and she raised her hand. And Strix was all, "...," and she raised her hand. Condor was, "Okay, okay! Great! But what about you, Black Canary! You matter most of all because I love you so much I want to tell you that my dick should be inside your vagina but that might come off as too strong and creepy so I'll just keep that to myself. Do you want me as a Bird of Prey?!" And Black Canary was all, "If a train were leaving New York at sixty miles per hour and another train were leaving Chicago at eighty miles per hour and they passed by each other in different tunnels in the middle of the night in the heart of the coldest winter of the century, how many fucks would I give if you were on the team? The answer is zero. I would give zero fucks." And Condor went "Cri! Cri! Cri!" It was so funny! I hope Black Canary breaks his heart every issue! He's such a jerk!

This issue is a fantasy issue that takes place in the fantasy realm of Gothtopia so Black Canary might actually be nice to Condor. Which will be great because then he'll get his hopes up again so that she can dash them upon the rocks of brutal heartache! Black Canary is so lucky she gets to do that! As The Bible says, "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

Wait. That's in The Bible? That's pretty fucking cruel, right? Not that I'm agreeing or disagreeing with the sentiment in that if you've been enslaved by certain people, only you know if you'll ever be so angry you want to grab their babies by the feet and smash their tiny heads against the rocks. Because fuck the babies, right? The babies are innocent and all, sure. But can you imagine how hurt the parents of those babies will be seeing their darling children's brains exploding in halos of mist and grisly horror? So I'm not incredulous that perhaps someone in that situation might commit such an atrocity. What's amazing is that people often call The Bible a rulebook for life. So now I know when it's okay to dash baby's heads against rocks. Thanks, The Holy Bible! I bet this is just one example too. It didn't say this is the only time smashing baby's heads will make you happy. How long do you have to be in captivity to justify your actions? What if you're just stuck in a really long queue at the DMV? That's kind of like being in captivity! Or what about your McDonald's manager's new baby? Working there is practically like being enslaved? Fuck man. I'm starting to rethink this whole living life according to morality and ethics derived from empathy and sympathy with my fellow human beings! If I follow The Holy Fucking Bible, I actually have at least one legitimate reason where I can break baby heads! Fuck yes!

Owls are hunters so Strix gets to be Artemis! I would have called her Bubo.

Condor's name is not Condor and it is not Swan. It is Eagle. That is terrible. He doesn't deserve to be named after a majestic bird. His name should be Dodo because then he'd be extinct! He tells Artemis and Bluebelle how something really important is missing in his life and I can't help but snicker at his broken heart that he doesn't even know is broken right now. Oh man! Just wait until he remembers that Black Canary doesn't give a shit about him!

Speaking of Black Canary, she appears even though she refused to leave Kurt Lance's side last issue. Her name is Warbler because she's a blur when she goes to war. Or maybe it's because she makes an annoying sound with her throat. It also could be because she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Ugh, Eagle. Stop touching her all of the time! She doesn't like you!

I need to stop thinking about Condor for a second because my blood pressure monitor is beeping erratically. So earlier this week, I went to see Stand By Me at the Laurelhurst Theater here in Portland. It was nice to see it in its original format since it's one of those movies that I enjoy enough that if I catch it on television, I'll watch it even though it's one of those movies that really doesn't work when edited for television. I mention this because I just spent the last two hours watching The Bad News Bears (the original) on network television because that's another movie that I can't help but watch even when presented in a format where it just doesn't fucking work. Although I'm quite surprised that a bunch of thin-skinned mothers haven't somehow gotten legislation through that would outlaw showing the film on television. It is such a remnant of the 1970s that it fills my heart with joy and, at the same time (because I'm a complex human being), loss for being too young to truly experience the greatness of the Seventies. Buttermaker drinks and drives constantly. Kids hangout of cars without seatbelts. The kids celebrate with beers at the end. Swearing and more swearing. What a classic. It's also great to see a young Rorschach helping out his teammates. When the dickhead coach of the Yankees grabs his arm and tries to throw him out of the baseball field, I wanted him to growl out, "Even in the face of Armageddon, I shall not compromise in this." And then he'd go over and join the Bad News Bears. Or break the coach's fingers. One of those.

Okay, I'm calm now. Although I may have to watch my DVD of The Bad News Bears tomorrow. A network television viewing just isn't satisfying enough.

Since this is Gothtopia and everybody is hallucinating, maybe Warbler is actually a rabid goat! Eagle is fucking a rabid goat! What a jerk!

Movie night is interrupted by the Bat-signal for some reason. Gotham is the most crime free city in America right now, so why would Batman need The Wings of Truth? Perhaps he keeps them on call to wax his Batmobile.

The problem winds up being Batman himself. If you've read Detektif Comics #27, you'll remember that Batman remembered that Gotham was a lousy, crime-ridden hellhole and he turned on everyone. The Wings of Truth help lock him away and then they head back home to decide on which stupid Action-Romance they're going to watch.

To do what?

While Batman is incarcerated, The Wings of Truth spend their time whistling cheerful tunes and hitting the roller rink every Tuesday Night for One Dollar Rental Night. But eventually Batman escapes from Arkham with Poison Ivy and The Wings of Truth have a real job to do!

Except they only do that job for a few minutes when, in the middle of the fight, Bluebelle tells Eagle, Warbler, and Artemis that they're help isn't needed and that they should go home. So they do. I get it! Bluebelle just couldn't stand listening to Eagle fawn all over Warbler anymore. I would have sent them home as well, even if Batman was busy breaking my spine. "Go! Go! OW HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I mean, get out of here! I'm okay!"

Back at the dumpster they've been living in that they think is an apartment, The Wings of Truth eat some rat feces and nod off to sleep. Warbler is awakened by a Ra's al Ghul shooting a load of serum in her face and then offering her a deal concerning the story that Birds of Prey was trying to tell before everybody fucking started to hallucinate.

Oh. I guess Warbler isn't a rabid goat. Too bad.

Black Canary tricks Condor and Strix into leaving the city so that they're no longer influenced by Crane's drugs. I don't know why she brought Condor when he was taking so many liberties with her while they were all deluded. I don't really like Kurt Lance either but I hope Ra's al Ghul heals him so that he and Condor can constantly squabble over Black Canary's affections while looking like two huge douches. Eventually Batgirl also joins the team on Mother Eve's boat so that they can all get back to the previous story about the war between Mother Eve and Ra's al Ghul. Also, Black Canary gives up leadership of The Birds of Prey so that Batgirl can lead. That's just stupid. Just break up the fucking team! Why do The Birds of Prey even need to exist?

Birds of Prey #28 Rating: No change. I don't feel like I should count this issue against the regular book since it was mostly just fantasy with a few moments squeezed in so that Christy Marx could at least partially continue the story arc she was on when Gothtopia interrupted. I guess I don't mind the interruption though since this book has yet to find its feet after Swierczynski got it drunk behind the bleachers and had his way with it. And by "had his way with it," I mean "wrote a bunch of shitty stories with characters that kept following leads that went nowhere and forgetting why they were doing anything whenever a new plot point came along which they followed because they had no motivations of there own."