Detective Comics #31

The new Detective Comics logo is much better. Probably because Manapul and Buccellato are better artists than Tony S. Daniel.

The above statement contains the assumption that the original Detective Comics header was designed by Daniel and that the new one was designed by Manallato. But assuming things is so much easier than researching things so I'll stick with doing a lot of assuming in my commentaries.

Last issue, Bruce Wayne had made a new friend and "business" partner. Business is in quotation marks because she really just wanted him to use his money to help the less fortunate. I didn't major in business in college because I'm not an asshole, but I believe that's a bad investment. I suppose it's a good investment in people but that won't buy you a new wing to your mansion. Although it would probably make the new wing to your mansion safer by helping raise people out of poverty. There's another assumption in that last statement about how poor people commit crime. Even if that were true in some places (and I don't have the research to back up that statement), I think most of Gotham's crime is due to mental illness.

Now that I think about it, I bet mental illness is behind a lot of crime in real places too! Somebody should look into that!

Dammit! I brought up Bruce's new business partner to make a point and then I got distracted by the word "business" and went off on a cosine. As I was about to say, Bruce Wayne's new business partner combusted from doing too much Icarus. Right on his front porch! Drug users should have more respect for people and not die on their property. Now CSI: Gotham is going to be combing Bruce's house with a fine toothed detective's comb while Alfred follows them around saying, "You're not the world's greatest detective, you know."

I know, I know! Most of you are thinking, "No way in hell anybody is that good at reading comic books! He must read ahead and then pretend he guessed in the same way that everybody on the fucking internet pretends they knew shit that they didn't really know until they asked Lord Google for help." But you'd be wrong! Because here's the proof! Yet again, I guess the opening scene of a book before even opening the book! Genius!

The truth is, I don't write these commentaries to help me remember what's been happening in every comic book I read from month to month. No, the real truth is that I want a public record of how often I predict where each plot is headed. Granted, this was an easy one! But every grain of sand helps to fill up the butt crack. The butt crack in that proverb represents my ego!

Detective Bullock hassles Bruce Wayne about where the Icarus came from and where he hid all the DJs and decorations for the rave he was having. Detective Bullock is a shit detective some times and some times he's a great detective. It really depends on what the story needs to move the plot along. He's a dependable character because he doesn't mind looking like the bad guy or looking stupid if it makes for a great story. I can totally get behind that.

Oh, Happy Mother's Day, by the way! If one of you could please pass that message along to my mom, that'd be great. Thanks!

I bet after Bruce said "You're the detective, Bullock," Alfred whispered under his breath, "Not the World's Greatest though."

Bullock thinks Wayne was partying with Elena when she immolated, so he wants Wayne to provide a urine sample. Is that such a good idea, Bruce? What if they realize it's the exact same sample as the urine that Batman sprayed on the city a few months ago to cure everybody of The Scarecrow's Child's Tear Fear Toxin? You could blow your secret identity! I bet Bruce isn't going to provide him with his own sample anyway. He probably has Alfred piss in cups every day just in case a situation like this arises.

After Detective Bullock leaves, the World's Greatest Detective goes over the crime scene and figures out exactly what happened immediately. Of course, he didn't have his stupid cop intuition getting in the way and trying to convince him that a person he doesn't really like did the crime.

See? I came up with nearly the same conclusion Batman came up with! Which means I'm practically the World's Greatest Detective!

Instead of filling my commentaries with guessing easy to point out plot points before they happen, I should probably be filling it with heady intellectual readings of the subtext of the story. I should probably be referencing great writers like some of those writers you always hear people referencing that I can't think of right now, or quoting historical sources from historical people like Cleopatra or that other one. I should write three pages on the title alone!

This story is called "Icarus." It is an obvious reference to the Iron Maiden song, "Flight of Icarus," where a young boy flies too close to the sun and burns to ashes. Oh! That's like what happens when people take the drug, Icarus! I think I'm on to something! Also, the word "Icarus" can be broken down into three parts: "I", "Care", and "Us". That probably means something if you want it to. The "U" in the word Icarus is a mere outline while the other letters are filled. This represents how you, the drug taker, are taking the drug because you do not feel complete. It also could mean the artist ran out of white ink.

Just as a side note for those people actually interested in DC Continuity, this story takes place while Commissioner Gordon is locked up over in Batman Eternal. As if Batman didn't already have enough to deal with!

As Detective Bullock's lead dies (ha ha! That's a joke because the perps he has in lockup tied to the Icarus are dead!), Batman goes undercover to get shot in the chest! He also puts a bat tracker on the car of the person that shoots him in the chest, so Alfred will at least be able to find out who killed him.

I wish more cops had less instincts then maybe less innocent people would get thrown in jail.

Later, Batman follows the tracking device to the docks where he frees a bunch of people from shipping containers. He also winds up inside one of the containers fighting a large man with the Icarus Tiger tattooed on his stomach. Icarus Tiger says, "It's greeeeeeeeeeaaaaat to get fucked up on drugs!" Actually, Tony the Tiger's message wasn't really very different if you consider sugar a drug. And have you ever had Frosted Flakes? That shit is addictive as shit that's addictive.

The battle with Sumo takes place in the pages of Matt Wagner's Grendel.

Sumo winds up nearly paralyzed but it isn't really Batman's fault this time! Sumo is the one that tackled Batman out of a shipping crate hanging eighty feet in the air. Batman was only saving himself by landing on top of Sumo. Totally understandable. Sumo eventually wants to walk again, so he rats out Squid as the man behind the Icarus. Batman leaves and, probably, calls for medical attention to help Sumo. Meanwhile some other guys in hazmat suits are loading a shipping container onto a truck. Inside the container is some person so hyped up on Icarus that he looks like he's about to blow. Maybe the guy is Icarus and the catheter shoved into his penis is where the drug comes from.

Detective Comics #31 Rating: +3 Ranking. Manallato sure do make good looking comic books! They also tell stories I'm interested in reading. Detective Comics is finally in really good hands. Seeing as how it's DC's signature title, you'd think DC would have made efforts to have it look and read this good from the beginning. But instead they tapped Tony S Daniel to write and draw it after the Reboot! DC is so fucking stupid sometimes!