The Terrifics #4

The killer squid is Plastic Man's fingers. I mean, ew, I hope it's his "fingers."

What does "the new age of heroes" mean? Shouldn't it read "Hey! We really are sorry about The New 52! And we know Rebirth didn't quite convince everybody that we're trying to apologize profusely for The New 52 so will this work? It's a new age of heroes! That means we at DC are recommitted to telling quality stories about heroes you don't give a shit about simply because Scott Snyder used them in that stupid Metal comic book. Not that we think it was stupid! Nobody at DC is rolling their eyes at this statement right now at all! We loved Metal! I mean, it was metal, right?! And 'metal' isn't a category of music that hasn't been relevant for thirty years, Scott! Everybody totally still thinks it's way cool and parents totally suck and jean jackets with 'Slayer' patches never went out of style! So, um, anyway, enjoy this comic book with that idiot Plastic Man in it! And if you think it's wacky that we've brought him back, just wait until you see who's a member of the new Justice League Dark: Detective Chimp! Dan DiDio may never have a boner again. And it's all for the fans!"

That might be a bit too much to put at the top of every new DC comic book. "The New Age of Heroes" probably works better.

If you haven't been reading this comic book, here's a quick summary: Phantom Girl's ass is succulent.

I just looked up the definition for "succulent" because I suspected I might be calling her ass a plant of some sort. But I used it as an adjective which is defined as "tender, juicy, and tasty." So, exactly the word I wanted!

Phantom Girl has a new diary in which she isn't writing secret sex stories about her hand's love affair with her vagina. Instead she's writing silly stuff like how she calls Metamorpho "Rexamorpho" because, I guess, that's cute or something? It makes it sound like she's too young for me to be salivating over her backside. What is Lemire trying to do here?! Make me feel uncomfortable about my lustful feelings for a fictional character?! As if I don't have enough reasons to hate myself. He could have at least allowed Phantom Girl to begin her diary entry with "According to Bgztl orbit around its sun, I'm only sixteen years old. But that's forty-five in Earth years! So a 45 year old Earth guy could totally eat my ass if he was into that even though I'm going to keep writing in this diary and acting like I'm sixteen. That might seem a little gross to certain people on Tumblr who don't know the definition of 'fictional' but what are older guys reading comic books supposed to jerk off to? Aunt May?! Get with the times, man!"

The Terrifics are on their way to Bgztl to learn how to pronounce it. While they're traveling there, I'm going to watch Drake's video, "I'm Upset," one more time. I'm just really disappointed that Caitlin wasn't in it (just in case you were wondering if I was actually into age appropriate women and their butts).

Tone down the sex talk, Phantom Girl! Geez!

The Terrifics decide that going on an original adventure would be too difficult so they decide to reenact the trash compactor scene from Star Wars. In this day and age, that's an acceptable plot because fans feel smart when they can make the connection between an original work and the thing plagiarizing that work. They call it a "reference" and it elevates a written piece from boring garbage to intelligent pop culture commentary!

Metamorpho brings up the fact that Mister Terrific always called himself the "third smartest person on Earth" and Mister Terrific begins to backpedal on that fact. He's all, "Third smartest?! Why, that's just hyperbole and facetiousness! I'm not really a terrible comic book reviewer that jerks off over young fictional super heroes! Sheesh! Can't you tell the difference between somebody just being entertaining and somebody who's an actual disgusting pervert?!"

The Terrifics bond a bit in the trash compactor while battling the trash squid. It's the perfect amount of letting the readers get to know the characters and letting them bond realistically so the team doesn't seem as forced as the premise that they'll blow up if they separate balanced with just enough action for the people who like to read comic books. After they escape, they arrive on Bgztl to discover that Phantom Girl was trapped in the Dark Multiverse for thirty-two years which means she's really older than I am and I'm totally allowed to think about putting my tongue in her ass. In your face, judgy judgers!

Rating: You know how I often read comic books and think, "Why am I still reading comic books?" Well this comic book didn't make me think that! It was well put together, had great art, and was an enjoyable read. And that's my praise before I even add in Phantom Girl's butt! It also had a sweet message in a saccharine kind of way that some of you emotional nitwits might enjoy.

Futures End #26

Halfway through this series! Probably!

Sometimes, reading Futures End feels like waiting for my number to be called at the DMV. Let's move it along, people!

My favorite book when I was a single digit old monster was Sam and the Firefly. I think the book was supposed to teach me to be kind or something but I'm pretty sure all it taught me was that chaos was fun. I definitely didn't learn to use my words for good as Gus the Firefly did by the end of the book. The evidence of that failure is this entire blog. While, once again, digging through my bookshelf of old children's books looking for Sam and the Firefly (which I can never find but I keep looking anyway), I found this Golden Book:

"Hey look! A small boy choking on a cork! I should give him the Heimlich and save his life!"

That caption isn't what Brer Rabbit thinks at all! What Brer Rabbit actually does is he says hello, waits for a response, and when the stranger doesn't respond, he punches him in the face. No wonder Brer Fox and Brer Bear wanted to kill him. Brer Rabbit was an asshole!

I didn't scan this cover to talk about Brer Rabbit's horrible social skills though. When I saw the tar baby on the cover, I decided to look up the term "tar baby" to see if it's still in use. I figured if it were still common, it was probably only used by old white men, probably from the south, and it probably indicates they're racist even if they're not using it as a slur at the time! Turns out Republicans still pull it out of their lexicon from time to time. And then they get a bunch of heat for using it and refuse to apologize and it all blows up in their face! So the term "tar baby" has become a tar baby in and of itself!

The term still seems like a useful and viable term to say something very particular, but regarding its popular culture history and the history of this country and the way the term is also used as a racial slur, it's probably a term that politicians should be giving a wide berth. Why do people insist on using words or phrases that are uncomfortable or that have a negative history tied to their usage? You know, words like "retard" or "cunt." Oh. Um. Uh...forget this whole discussion! Let's move on! Nothing to remember or learn from this!

What was I not talking about that I should have been talking about?

This needed to be a full page instead of one tiny little panel because why?

Have comic book readers been so abused by the people seemingly in charge of the entire medium so thoroughly that they simply accept with tired resignation pages like the previous scan of Doctor Yamazake? Who turns the page, sees this, and thinks, "Wow! A scientist standing with his hands in his pockets! Fucking cool!"? Do the majority of fans simply turn to this page, read it, and flip past without feeling completely ripped off? It just feels like the script was one page short so the artist was told to simply take one panel from the end or beginning of one of the pages and blow it up to a full page splash, no matter how boring it is. Can I even call this a splash? Doesn't that term carry the connotation of excitement? Or, at the very least, movement? Where's the kineticism? Where's the vibrancy?

The first panel on the following page extends the width of two pages even though it's just Jason Rusch standing there responding to Doctor Yamazake. So my "One Page Short" theory holds water! These panels could have been planned with less wasted space! If, you know, anybody actually cared about the quality of the product. It's also possible that this page was supposed to create some kind of tension as the reader wonders whose lab access is being revoke by Doctor Yamazake. Except, you know, Jason Rusch was the only other person with access to the lab. So that theory does not hold water!

Jason is kicked from the lab because he's Firestorm which means he's the enemy of Doctor Yamazake! He's one of those arrogant heroes that refuse to share their technology and their power with the rest of the world. They lord it over all mankind from their high-tech mansion in space, emptying their septic tank onto the heads of the masses while laughing and smoking fat cigars from alien civilizations. Now I'm mad at the Justice League too! Fuckers!

Madison wanders into Doctor Yamazake's lab looking for Jason and not to be a guinea pig. But sometimes we don't always get what we want! Or what we need!

I'm going to write an essay called "Women in Teleporters" now!

While Madison Payne becomes Madison Brundlefly (I bet she winds up with super powers! Teleportation powers! AMBUSH BUG POWERS!), Terry McBatman and Plastique plan their next plan of the plan: recruiting Red Robin. That sounds like a stupid plan. And Plastique agrees with me!

You can't stop the future from happening! Dumb dumb!

The reason Terry McBatman can ask Red Robin for help is because there is no trace of Red Robin in the future. So nobody has to worry about a paradox destroying the universe! Whew! That's one less universe destroying thing everybody has to worry about. I bet Red Robin doesn't exist in the future because he's named Harvest in the future and he's a vampire. Y'all thought I forgot about that, didn't you?! It will be revealed soon that I was right! I'M ALWAYS RIGHT!

You know what's really annoying? Brother Eye always says "eye" instead of "I" even though how can anybody fucking tell the difference when he's speaking? From now on, whenever I type "I", realize I'm actually thinking "SexMuffin71". That's two better than "69" so just imagine that, right? RIGHT? Two better!

Brother Eye gives Fifty-Sue a packet of information about her creation. She is test subject 52 and she was created using 52 DNA strands. That means she's, um, let's see, carry the something...three times better than Superboy! I mean, seventeen times better than Superboy! Jesus fuck!

That's become my new swear for when I'm really angry. I mean really angry and not fake angry. It's unconscious. It just steams out of my mouth in a spray of foam and spittle. "JESUS FUCK!" If I could consciously change it, I'd make it "Jesus fucked" so that it becomes a parody of "Jesus wept." But I'm not really in control when my stupid fucking computer takes more than a few seconds to load a webpage! You are supposed to be the future, computer! You are suppose to go at future speeds! Stop acting like an Atari 2600, you piece of shit!

Brother Eye also shows Fifty-Sue that the one person she admires and thinks of as her friend, Slade Wilson, is taking steps to betray her. Well, Christ always needs a Judas. And Slade has been known to enjoy stories with the name "Judas" in them! And my poor, beloved, dear, fifteen year friend whom I lost recently was named Judas! I think that fits somehow.

No! No more mentions of the frog and the scorpion! And now that you guys have told the old woman/snake variant, no more telling that one either! And while we're discussing stuff I don't want to read in my comic books because they've been all over social media for way too fucking long, stop telling that story about the wolf that survives is the one that you feed!

Finally, Batman plays marriage counselor to Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch, telling them to stop bickering, forget their petty problems, and just fucking merge again. The world needs Firestorm! Brother Eye needs Firestorm! I mean, he will need him but nobody probably knows that yet. The world probably would have been better off if Batman had just stayed out of business that doesn't concern him.

Futures End #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. Nobody died but I guess I'm feeling charitable today. I'd better hit "Publish" on this post before I change my mind!

Futures End #20

Poor Joker grew back his face only to lose it again thirty years into the future.

This week, Futures End begins boring the pants off of me. And by pants, I mean the British meaning of pants because I'm sitting here in my boxers. I doubt I've ever written anything while wearing pants (the American meaning of the word!). I never wear pants while at home. Sometimes I miss package deliveries because the doorbell rings and I have to run around searching for some pants to put on before heading downstairs to open the door. I suppose I can start answering the door in boxers since that's nearly like wearing shorts except with a greater chance of my penis flopping out. But then I'm sure delivery people have seen worse than my penis! Not that seeing my penis is a bad thing! Those delivery people should be so lucky!

So, the part that bored the pants off me was the part where Red Robin breaks into the offices of The Fast Lane where he's found out by Lois herself who must not be able to afford her own apartment because whey else would she be hiding out in a darkened office? Even if I were to believe that she's been staking out the offices for weeks, absolutely sure that Red Robin was going to break in at some point, I'm not sure I can believe that Red Robin would have fucked up the break in and allowed himself to be caught.

Aha! That's the key word! "Allowed!" It probably took him weeks to break into the offices of The Fast Lane because that's how long it took before he knew Lois was the only person still in the building! If Red Robin was caught, he obviously wanted a meeting with Lois. If there's one thing I've learned reading The New 52, it's that everything always works out exactly as Harvest planned it. Also, for those that may not have heard me the first five thousand times I said it: Harvest is actually vampire Tim Drake from the future. Not this measly five years into the future future! More like the Legion of Super-heroes one thousand years into the future future! But even if Tim isn't Harvest currently, that doesn't mean he doesn't have his "super plans always work out" powers yet.

You idiot! Lois Lane doesn't know the meaning of "off the record!"

Red Robin's story could only have been better if he had been spattered with Bunker's, Beast Boy's, Solstice's, Raven's, Skitters's, Kid Flash's, and Superboy's brains as well as Wonder Girl's. Jeepers Creepers (which I say so as not to offend any Christian readers even though I really meant to say Jesus Christ. I hope I fooled them...and God as well!), Scott Lobdell really managed to make me hate every single character that ever made their way through his stories. I always feel a little bit of glee when another writer, during one of these alternate future stories, kills the characters Lobdell's been writing. It's like they're saying, "These characters deserved better! Might as well kill them because they've been tainted with Lobdell's man musk." I once met Scott Lobdell. His man musk smelled of cheerios that were given penises by a mad scientist and then jerked off by sentient cabbages.

Okay, that last bit was a lie. I didn't sniff Scott when I met him even though he said, "Hello there. Would you like to sniff me?"

Okay, that last part was a lie as well! When I did meet him, he actually just ignored me and kept talking to his buddy that was nearby fucking roosters or something. Then he said, "Now get out of here, kid! I'm busy!" But he wasn't busy at all. I was only one of two people that were getting things signed by him. To be fair, I can't really blame that on him. Gail Simone didn't have a line either and I hear she always has throngs of people hanging around her table. I think maybe the residents of Portland, Oregon just had better things to do that day. Like take pictures with the whore from Serenity or the car from Supernatural!

Lois Lane shows Red Robin the secrets inside of her box. She also tells him that she can't live with a man because if a man were lying to her and didn't tell her, it would be over. So how does that work, exactly? Does the man have to make up something so that Lois feels he's being honest with her? If he doesn't have anything to reveal, does she figure he's lying and break up? How does she know when to break up with somebody?! Also, she's probably talking about Clark.

Thirty five years in the future (that's where Batman Beyond is from), Brother Eye has learned how to time travel by eating Bruce Wayne's brain. Now Brother Eye will send his Terminator back in time to stop Batman's rebel leader from destroying Brother Eye. And I suppose The Joker is Brother Eye's Terminator, right? Unless it will be a half-Joker, half-Batman robot monster.

I know I've mentioned it countless times so this is just a rhetorical device playing on the fact that I've said it so many times but have I ever said how much I hate comic book time travel stories? They're very rarely done well and almost always done exclusively as a shortcut to building a plot. Here's how it works. Create a dystopian version of the future. Send character back in time to warn people about the dystopian future. Heroes believe insane person that probably isn't actually from the future at all and work to prevent the horrible future from coming true. The heroes do the proper things and the horrible future disappears from reality! Unless it never existed in the first place. Anyway, it's just a simple way to get heroes working toward saving the world without really putting much thought into it.

Cadmus Island gets a few pages but I don't think they're worth talking about. Basically Faraday joins Fifty Sue's Anti-Brother Eye team.

Mister Terrific learns from The Key and Coil that they were hired by Bruce Wayne to break into Terrifitech. He was the guy putting up all that Final Job Money! How did I not guess that in Issue #1? Who else in the DC Universe has Final Job Money? Or is it called One Last Job Security Blanket? Anyway, I was probably too distracted by Coil and hoping against hope that it wasn't the asshat that Ann Nocenti wrote about in Katana.

So now the scene is set. Sometime in the last five years, Earth was invaded by Apokoliptian forces from Earth 2. The residents of Earth 2, the Twofers, sought asylum. But since the refugees were all doubles of people still living on Earth, they were feared and not trusted. And some were probably spies and some probably helped Apokolips and all that other stuff. So the war takes place, a lot of heroes did a lot of stuff they weren't proud of, and a lot of them died as well. Afterward, the world was split between people that wanted to help the Twofers to assimilate and those that didn't trust them. Mister Terrific seems to have made quite a name for himself, possibly helped along by the fact that he came over from Earth 2 but was originally from this Earth. Plus he's a genius and all that garbage. Sloan did just as well but was busy making technology for the people that didn't trust the Twofers. He probably has something to do with Cadmus. Anyway, Mister Terrific has also gotten help from Brother Eye and Brainiac. His help leads to the world thirty five years in the future where everybody has been assimilated, something DC loves to use as a plot point. In that future, Mister Terrific regrets what he did. Batman hasn't been seen much but he's just now entered the picture as the man behind The Key's gang trying to steal technology from Mister Terrific. In the future, he was the leader of the rebel army fighting back against Brainiac's robots and assimilated heroes. His last hope was sending Batman Beyond to the past to destroy Brother Eye before it is activated. But he landed too far in the future and now must try to stop Brother Eye from being reactivated since it was disabled during the war. And I guess that's pretty much it! I suppose I could mention that Green Arrow has a rebel group on an island ready to go against Cadmus but then I'd be in danger of boring myself by talking about Green Arrow.

In the last scene, Tim Drake tells Mad Payne that he's really Red Robin and she tells him to go suck dicks.

Futures End #20 Rating: No change. I'm still waiting for something to surprise me! Or for something to not be derivative of Star Trek or The Terminator! Maybe I can be turned around on this comic by somebody fucking somebody else. How about it, Gifazzmiregens? Make some people fuck some other people!

Futures End #16

Brainiac can't be The Cancelator! That would be too boring and then all the people that always take the safest bets would have guessed the Futures End antagonist correctly. I hate those people, always playing it safe and never betting on 100 to 1 long shots and always saving their money for retirement and having goals and plans! Show off jerkos!

Last night, my Shuffle's Volume Up button decided it didn't want to work anymore. Which meant that if I want to hear Electric Six at a volume that doesn't destroy my ear drums, I'll never again be able to hear another song by Simon and Garfunkel. What was even worse was that my Shuffle decided that, perhaps, the Volume Up button might work better as a secondary Volume Down button. So pretty soon I was listening to my music at no volume at all. Which isn't as great as you might think. All I could do is look at the screen and think, "Yeah, that song would be nice to hear right now."

I was, at least, able to set the Shuffle back to factory settings which raised the volume back up to the midway point. Once I get a new Shuffle, I suppose I could sell this one to a family that cares about their child's hearing.

Maybe my Shuffle was infected with the Skeets Virus?! See that? Now I can go right into talking about Futures End without some kind of awkward, stumbling segue.

Five years from now, cash will be scarce! So no different than my lifestyle now.

I've talked about The Mark of the Beast before but I'll talk about it again because who reads every single one of my posts anyway? Who has the time? I should probably recycle a lot more material than I already do. I don't think self-plagiarism is illegal!

People who believe in The Mark of the Beast kind of crap always have this idea that they'll never fall for it because who would ever, knowing that it means the end of the world, get a mark tattooed on their hand or a chip imbedded in their wrist that would allow them to make purchases? They'd see that coming and say, "Oh no! I know better! Fuck you, Devil McDevilish! No mark for me, thank you!" But nobody ever considers that the reason it would happen is not because everybody would suddenly weigh the benefits of the mark versus the evil it would do bringing about the destruction of the world but because everybody would be fooled into getting the Mark of the Beast. And guess what, assholes? You all fucking fell for it! The Mark of the Beast is smart phones! Eventually (apparently five years from now), money will be used less and less because everybody will just be scanning their cell phones at registers to have their cash deducted straight from their account. And if you were an old weirdo mystic from thousands of years ago and saw a vision of people scanning some mark held in their hand, you wouldn't know to say they were using some kind of mechanical device. You'd just note the vision had a mark and a hand and boom! Mark of the Beast. Y'all are devil worshiping assholes! But don't worry! I'm not using a smart phone and never will because I have a smart head. I prefer to access the knowledge that's in my own brain as opposed to stopping in the middle of every conversation to look shit up like some Future Retard. Also, I don't like for people to be able to get in touch with me.

No Apologies! Press should probably be forced to change the name of their web comic to "Future R-Slur," amirite?

Transparency: I am 1/3 of No Apologies! Press.

More Transparency: The baby in Future Retard is me.

Still More Transparency: I am also the protagonist of Future R-Slur!

Even Still More Unwanted Transparency: Most of the initial scripts for the comic were written at Comic-con in the late nineties. Unless it was in 2000. Is 2000 part of the nineties? I think it is!

Stormguard's cape has too many stripes. Unless five years in the future, they've discovered more original US colonies!

Over on Cadmus Island, King Faraday has decided Fifty Sue, Cole Cash, Deathstroke, and, I guess, Twofer Lana Lang need to investigate the Stealth OMAC troubles. They appeared about a month ago. Right around when Cole Cash came to the island. I'm sure it's his fault somehow.

You know what's been missing lately? All of those Narration Boxes that Cole Cash usually creates in every scene he's in. His constant, miserable narration of every situation he's in is the most entertaining aspect of his character.

Mister Terrific has now become the most intelligent person on New Earth as opposed to the third smartest person that he always bragged about being. Or it's just possible that The Cancelator, whom he's always speaking to, just knows the importance of sunshine inside assholes.

Here's a picture of Super Booster punching out Rampage as Lois Lane ruins her underwear. Unless it's Rampage whose underwear was ruined in this scene. It certainly wasn't mine. Why does Superman have to wear so many clothes?!

Rampage blows off the bottom of Superman's welder's mask with one of the soldier's guns because these soldiers don't know how to keep their hands on their weapons. But just seeing Superman's teeth and part of his cheek bones doesn't tell me anything except that Superman is not Jonah Hex.

Back in space, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein discover the identity of the creature that destroyed Stormwatch and is Borging up everything.

I know! Some reveal! This was on the cover! It might as well have been a Brainiac Selfie cover.

Futures End #16 Rating: No change. Speaking of a Brainiac Selfie cover, I decided to edit the cover so that it became a Selfie Variant. Does that make this an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea variant cover? Finally the reveal of the major antagonist but it's so boring that I have to believe some greater power is manipulating Brainiac. Maybe Brainiac is infected with the Skeets Virus and Skeets is the master behind it all?

Futures End #13

When Red Robin isn't tending bar, he likes to drive homeless people out of the city.

Have you ever noticed how many goody-two-shoes, be-a-better-person, trite-as-shit posts get reblogged on Tumblr every day? And yet nearly everybody you ever encounter is a selfish asshole with their nose pressed up against their stupid cell phone? Do people believe that appreciating a nice sentiment is just about the same as being a kind person? I really don't know since I can't fucking stand those posts that tell me to smile or pay compliments or do small acts of kindness or whatever. I can also type out things that I think would be nice if people did them. Typing is fucking easy! And you know what's even easier than that? Hitting reblog and then forgetting about the post! Not that I think any of those goddamned posts improve anybody's life at all. People are just addicted to the momentary warm feeling that occurs when they suspect they can live life better, become happier, and feel life can have meaning if only they'd pursue it.

Here's my advice: stop imagining yourself as a different person. If you like the way you are and you've never paid for a stranger's coffee, don't start now just because a stupid fucking quote posted by Joe Hill or reblogged by Neil Gaiman said you should. Somebody else believes in small gestures! Big fucking deal! Here are the things I believe would make somebody happy! Maybe you should try my list too!

The only problem with my list is that it doesn't create the illusion that people are inherently kind and generous. There's a reason for that! Because I don't cotton to lies!

Whoops. I meant to just get right to the review. Sorry about all those extraneous words. Unless extraneous means something other than what I wanted it to mean!

The issue begins with Cal and Mad getting robbed.

I'm fairly certain that necklace had a tracker in it, so Cal will be getting you a "new one" fairly soon.

Following this scene is a scene which reminds everybody that Mister Terrific is worried about the threat of Future Batman. Then there's a scene where Grifter and Fifty Sue sneak about Cadmus to discover that normal people from Earth 2 are being held in secret cells beneath the island. Also I guess it shows Grifter can differentiate normal Earth 2 people from New Earth people with his "They Live" vision.

If I felt these scenes were more important, I'd go into more detail about them. I guess if you wanted to write a term paper about Mister Terrific's scene, you'd begin by discussing personal ethics and morality and whether or not they should be abandoned at times for the greater good. Mister Terrific has recently compromised his beliefs to, as he lies to himself, protect the world. He does acknowledge that the Mindboggler Cyborg scares him but doesn't acknowledge that the terror is the main reason he's begun to ignore his personal ethical philosophy. It's too bad because it's fear which is always the beginning of the end. When people are frightened, they tend to make poor decisions by choosing answers that make them feel safer. Batman knows this which is why he'll never kill. Not because he wants to be better than the bad guys but because he knows that killing The Joker would make him, and the people of Gotham, feel less frightened. Which means killing The Riddler would as well. And The Penguin. And Zsasz.

Hmm, Zsasz actually probably should be killed. The evidence for all of his murders is right there on his body! I wonder if Zsasz will slice his own throat when he's run out of room on his body, the space left over to mark his final kill!

Here's the resolution to that first scene. Lots of pages to tell the reader something they already knew: Cal is Red Robin! Geez, Futures End! We knew that as soon as Lois Lane began her investigation because she's the best investigative journalist ever.

I wonder when the first truly interesting revelation will happen in Futures End? Or when somebody else will die! I want to see super hero corpses already! Green Arrow's death wasn't enough. Fuck, Green Arrow's death was expected!

Here's a revelation: The Key and his team still haven't gotten around to doing their Terrifitech job! And now they've decided they don't want to do it with Terry McBatman so Plastique knocks him unconscious with a paper airplane bomb. In other words, thirteen issues in and The Key's team is still no closer to their robbery than when they started.

I suppose the discussion between Big Barda and Emiko shine a little light on Five Years in the Future New Earth. The war that has been referenced on multiple occasions was with Apokolips. Since the people of Earth 2 are treated with such suspicion and fear, the warriors from Apokolips must have used Earth 2 as a base to invade New Earth. The civilian population of Earth 2 fled to New Earth and were kept in concentration camps until the end of the war. That's when people like Mister Terrific began trying to fight for equality for Earth 2 civilians. Other people like Lois Lane use people's Earth 2 civilian status as ways to threaten their jobs! Cadmus has taken on the job of secretly imprisoning Earth 2 heroes. With their recruitment of Grifter, it looks like they might want to capture normal Earth 2 civilians as well, possibly suspecting a rebellion brewing. Or just because they're those fearful people that trade their ethics away for a feeling of safety.

If she comes peacefully, at least she'll be with Scott. Although why would she come peacefully? She can kick Deathstroke's ass easy.

Futures End #13 Rating: -2 Ranking. This is basically an Elseworlds title where anything can go and yet it continues to bore me, issue after issue. I suppose too many things have been planned for the DC September Extravaganza for the writers of Futures End to just go off the rails. I guess that's the problem. I'm on one of those rides at Disney where you can imagine a lot of fantastic stuff could happen but in reality, you're just puttering along stuck to a predetermined path along a stupid fucking rail.

Futures End #10

The Modern Era of comic books began when The Key stopped wearing his ridiculous fucking costume (not pictured. Should I picture it? Maybe I should picture it after the caption!).

Remember a time when super heroes were often beaten by people dressed like this?

I bet The Key just got angrier and angrier every time he was arrested by a super hero and they'd say, "I'm locking you up and throwing away the key!" Batman alone probably used that one a half dozen times. Another reason he was always angry was because you don't give a guy known as The Key that can open any locks the normal, run-of-the-mill cavity search. Oh no. You've got to get those digits way on up there just to make sure. Is it possible to shove an entire fist up an asshole and then open your hand and feel around? Because that's probably the treatment he got every time he was sent to prison. They probably even had to make sure his dickhole was clean of lockpicks. With a little conditioning, you can get a whole set up there.

Anyway, that's what happened to The Key. He really just thought he'd try his hand at super villainry by dressing up and robbing a few banks. But after the constant punning after being captured and the incessant body searches, he eventually turned pale and white, his hair went gray, and he just plain stopped caring about his appearance. His tormentors turned him into a ghoul that was too angry and traumatized to be whimsical. When he came back in Grant Morrison's Justice League run, those fucking Justice League members deserved everything they got.

This issue begins with masked Superman breaking through a wall because he's forgotten how to open doors. At first I thought Masked Superman might be Power Girl. But she's a prisoner on Cadmus Island, so then I thought maybe Kara. But I never really liked that guess because Kara is way too sleight to pull off Superman. So now, judging on the way the skin tight suit is fitting, I think it might be Booster Gold. He's got that force field that can do most of the work for him, plus his Legion Flight Ring, and any other future tech he may have access to. Plus he hasn't been around since he tried being an old west sheriff.

Superman is trashing a science lab where science happens and threatening the life of Ethan Boyer. Hopefully Lois Lane isn't around recording his on the record death threats! That would be just like an ace investigative journalist!

Oh shit! Spin control! Spin control!

Even when I'm joking, I can't help guessing plot points! I figured Lois was still investigating her stupid numbers that some whacko nutjob sent her in the mail. How could she have gotten back here so quickly? Not only that, why the fuck is she here?! Shouldn't Superman be questioning why she was in this lab? If she knew the lab was abandoned and she came to check it out, why is she grilling Superman about why he has also come to check it out? I guess that's what makes her such a great journalist! She knows she shouldn't be in this building either so she instantly puts the other person on the spot! Or maybe she's actually Ethan Boyer's shapeshifting alien clone! Oh wait. I forgot I was reading DC for a second and not Marvel. It's probably just Lois.

Meanwhile at The Wounded Duck (get it? Red Robin is a lame duck because he's not superheroing anymore? He's so clever!), Coil continues, ten issues on, to point out to The Key that he hasn't officially joined their Terrifitech Raiding Party. Can you waste any more time, asshole?! Either bow out or agree to try the fucking plan already! Why can't The Key just use his brain unlocking, mind control, really fucking stretching the idea of his powers power and force him to agree?

Terry McBatman might know how to convince Coil to join the team though.

Coil is about ready to agree to the plan with Terry McBatman's new information and a floor plan of Terrifitech at his disposal. And instead of letting this guy convince Coil so they can get on with their raid, The Key tries to send him packing. This is why The Key has never been a very successful evil mastermind! Trying to form a team of somewhat confident individuals isn't anything like hiring a bunch of thugs and forcing them to refer to themselves as Key-Men.

When The Key acts up, Terry McBatman Tonga Death Strikes his ass and knocks him out cold.

How does Red Robin know Terry pulled the "deathless" version on The Key? Does the regular version cause the head to explode?

When the bartender mentions he knows Batman, Terry gets jealous and decides to move the meeting of his new gang somewhere else. After they leave, Red Robin catches his girlfriend snooping through his stuff. So he rewards her with some jewelry! It's nice to know somebody cares so much that they'd root through your belongings to try to uncover things about your past that you might want to stay in the past. It's also nice to know that your significant other cares enough to give you a necklace that probably has a tracer in it and maybe even a microphone so he can listen in to all of your conversations. What a great relationship they have!

Meanwhile in space, we learn that Hawkman gets off on being dominated and that a member of Stormwatch other than Hawkman survived the attack by the Cancelator. It's either Apollo or The Engineer since their bodies were missing. I suppose it could also be Midnighter because he probably slowed his breathing and heartbeat down to a level that would allow him to float around in space for weeks before dying.

Back on Cadmus Island, Grifter fills half a page with his Narration Boxes, so nothing much has changed with him in the last five years. He also manages to get his ass beat by an invisible OMAC. Maybe it's Predator OMAC! Did Dark Horse lose their rights to The Predator? Deathstroke's sidekick, Fifty Sue (is that her name because it rhymes with 52? Is she from Earth 50? Is she a boy named Sue?) doesn't know anything about the OMAC that beat Grifter but she'd like to. So now she finally has a reason to keep Grifter alive: as bait for the invisible OMAC.

And finally in Vancouver, British Columbia, Green Arrow's sister outs Big Barda.

She calls herself "Jane Kirby" because she wants to be anonymous, like a Jane Doe, and she's a huge fan of Bruce Kirby.

Futures End #10 Rating: No change. I almost began this final paragraph with a statement about something I didn't yet know and then realized it would just be a statement that people would want to answer, so I decided not to say it. So let me say this instead: when did DC decide that colorists were human enough to get their names on the cover?! That's a bold move, DC! Next they're going to want adequate compensation and health benefits for their pets.

Futures End #3

This Mister Terrific's tattoos are all wrong. Where is the real Michael Holt?!

I've been putting the weekly books at the top of my stack every week. Except last week, my comic book store was shorted Futures End #3. So I didn't pick it up until last Wednesday. At least I'll be able to read Issue #3 and #4 back to back.

Five years in the future, Green Arrow is dead. Super heroes across the world are pretending to be sad. Lois Lane is up to some Foucalt's Pendulum bullshit. Batman Beyond has traveled back in time thirty years to stop Brother Eye from turning all the heroes into Bugbots. Grifter is having a psychotic break and murdering people because he thinks they're Daemonites. Lots of other cancelled DC characters are busy trying to get back into the spotlight. And Mister Terrific is the third most evil man on New Earth. The world is on the brink of a path toward inevitable destruction. And Batman Beyond can't get help from Batman because Batman will throw him in Arkham Asylum. Although Bruce Wayne did help Jonah Hex when he did some time traveling, so maybe he will help Terry. At least up until Terry points out that he's going to kill Mister Terrific and destroy a Wayne Industries billion dollar satellite.

While Frankenstein discovers SHADE is still keeping tabs on him, Firestorm is having a lover's quarrel with himself.

Well, the female hotties don't exist.

Jasonstorm is going a little bit insane inside the Slash Fiction Matrix. I imagine it's a lot like solitary except instead of having nobody to talk to, you have one really stupid jock to talk to. I think that's worse. I bet Ronniestorm will also go a little bit crazy having his head on fire twenty four hours a day.

Grifter continues to create long winded Narration Boxes although they're far less nonsensical than when Edmondson or Liefeld were writing them. Although once I saw the kinds of things Grifter was thinking in his first appearance in Wildcats, I began to realize that Edmondson was just being true to his character! Edmondson was writing him poorly because that's how Grifter had always been written! Tons of stupid internal monologues that barely made any sense. So technically, Azzarello and Giffen and Lemire and Jurgens are writing Grifter poorly by making him seem normal and comprehensible.

Grifter's main super power is the ability to see Daemonites even when they're disguised as humans. But his They Live vision has been evolving lately. Now he can tell if somebody is a refugee from Earth 2 or if they're any kind of shapeshifter at all, from Martians to punning bendy men. Grifter has teamed up with a computer whiz named Justin. He's just a chubby kid who was almost turned into a Daemonite when Grifter came along and killed his family. Now they work together hunting shapeshifters and aliens hiding amongst us.

Mister Terrific is keeping an eye on Batman Beyond since the jerk broke into his corporation. He's either too concerned with the break in security to realize he's giving money to homeless Dick Grayson or else he's actively financing Dick Grayson and this is how he transfers the funds. Also, it seems I think everybody is Dick Grayson. Turns out I was close about the bartender of The Wounded Duck except off by one generation.

No wonder Lois's website is so popular. She publishes speculation and hearsay. I guess that's easier than investigating and research.

Futures End #3 Rating: No change. We just barely touched base with a whole bunch of characters this issue, so there wasn't a lot to really talk about. Although if that article Lois published about Red Robin is at least partially true, I'm ecstatic! In five years time, The Teen Titans will all have gotten themselves killed? Great! Although Beast Boy must still be alive since he has to train the Teen X-Men in a few years, according to Teen Titans Annual Number Suck.

Earth 2 #19

DC Comics, the first step is admitting you have a problem. It's time to let go of your dependence on the word "unleashed." If you want, I'll allow you to skip straight to Step Nine because y'all got a lot of shit to apologize to the fans for!

Why are you reading this? I didn't invite you! Get the fuck out of here! Are you hoping to hear a secret, sexy tale about how I once masturbated in the employee bathroom of a Kentucky Fried Chicken? Well, um, you aren't going to hear that story because I just made it up! But if I hadn't made it up, I assure you that I washed my hands before getting back to marinating the chicken. But don't try to change the subject! I don't want you reading my New 52 Web Journal anymore! It's off limits to you! I could point you to some other websites that talk about The New 52 but they're probably all Vlogs and those Vloggers are fucking lazy douchebags that just like to run their mouths on camera! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"! Have you ever noticed how much a capital "W" looks like a bird's beak pointing downward?

Okay. Now that everybody is gone, I definitely feel more comfortable. The pressure is gone! I can go back to boring descriptions of the plot without feeling I need to entertain anyone. I hope none of them noticed I wasn't wearing pants during that last paragraph.

Last issue, Replacement Batman shot Joker in the face. It's okay though! Joker was in stasis so I don't think he felt any pain since pain can only be experienced across time. Also, I don't think anybody was really very worried about Joker's euthanasia and how humanely it was performed. Replacement Batman did not shoot Aquawoman or Jimmy Olsen (aka Accountable!) in the face because he needs their help to defeat Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!). It seems like a lot of trouble for a couple of people that don't have any Kryptonite on them.

This is Flip the Fuck Out Superman's first big mistake: leaving the smartest people on Earth 2 alive. Jay Garrick is not one of those people. He's probably the 5,653,000,003rd smartest person on Earth 2. And that's being generous.

As Flip the Fuck Out Superman flies off with his prey, Beguile attacks with an army of Parademons. I'm sure Green Lantern will be able to handle that. Wherever he's gotten off to. But Replacement Batman won't be dealing with it because he's just learned from Flip the Fuck Out Superman's pal Jimmy Olsen that there is an alien within the compound that Replacement Batman should probably get his dick into. That's slang for getting his meat-hooks all up in him.

This is the alien! Also, The World Army has some of the tightest uniforms I've ever seen. That guard's pants are disappearing right up inside her.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman deposits his parcel of smart people (and Jay) on the lawn of the White House in Washington DC (that's the capital of the United States of America for all of you Americans out there reading this). He tells Bedlam that Americans love symbols of power and decides to show them one of his own. So he emasculates America by ripping America's most famous phallus out by the roots.

Just in case some people weren't paying attention to the maniac ripping out huge memorials, a few helpful people in the crowd point it out.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman tells America it is fucked by smashing the phallus down into the White House. He must not be a very good lover because he completely misses the Oval Office. If only Red Tornado had been there to guide him in.

Meanwhile in Monaco or Morocco or whatever, Hawkwoman is probably doing something. And over in The Gotham City That Time Forgot, Big Barda and Scott Free are all up to whatever. I just thought somebody should check in with them!

Down in the alien's apartment (his name is Val! Fuck if I know why I typed that. I'll never remember it and will just wind up calling him something stupid), the alien collapses because meeting Batman is painful? I'm sure it will make more sense when I turn the page. Val is probably a Martian and he's picking up on the fact that Replacement Batman hates fucking Oreo cookies. I mean, he fucking hates them. He doesn't hate sticking his dick into them until he orgasms. He might hate that! I'm just clarifying and not declaring that he hates or loves Oreo cookies in an intimate and erotic way.

Oh, that was my other guess but I figured Earth 2 Krypton, being a representation of The Golden Age of DC Comics, was just full of whitey white-ass white Kryptonians.

Terry Sloan must have decided to keep Val (Val-el! He'll probably become Valor!) locked up in the sub-sub-subiest-sub-basement of them all so that he never absorbed any yellow sunlight and remained a weak little nobody. Replacement Batman had better get that Kryptonite out of there quick then because Val doesn't have any added strength or resistance built up from yellow sun exposure.

Oh! I just realized who Replacement Batman is based on that five o'clock shadow! It's Jon Hamm! Or maybe J'on H'amm if he's martian!

Back in Washington, Flip the Fuck Out Superman gives his press conference. It turns out that Apokolips is circling the cosmic drain and Darkseid needs a new home. He has chosen Earth because of its beautiful, beautiful (if somewhat tiny) chairs. Such glorious chairs to sit upon! Recliners! Bar stools! Love seats! Massage chairs! It will be the dawning of a new age of relaxation! And the humans that are strong will live to work in the fire pits and the chair factories! Churning out fire and chair by the ass-load! And Darkseid will look down upon them all and he will see that it is good.

Bedlam has been left in charge of Sloan and Mister Terrific because they are to build an enormous Boom Tube capable of BOOMING Earth into the space Apokolips currently occupies. That makes sense. Darkseid probably weighs more than the Earth and is harder to relocate.

No wait! I really just realized who Replacement Batman is! It's Alfred Pennyworth! Holy shit that would be my favorite thing in the world. It's probably Dick Grayson though. Or maybe it's Alfred's lover?

Replacement Batman sends Lois Tornado off to the Batcave with Jimmy Olsen and Val. He, Aquawoman, and Kym the World Army Security Guard get a lift from Hawkwoman. I guess she got out of the trouble she was in when we last saw her. Perhaps I was supposed to forget about that since it has been quite a few months now.

The issue finishes on a one page epilogue which basically says, "Don't forget Alan Scott! He's still alive! He'll be back!" As if anybody out there thought he was dead. Still no sign of Big Barda and Mister Miracle though.

Earth 2 #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. I really am glad at the turn this comic book has taken over the last half year or so. It's become less about restarting The Justice Society and more about creating a real alternate Earth with new characters and a mysterious history that we'll get to learn about as more stories are told. I fucking love this shit. Even with the Reboot, DC Comics has too much history wrapped up in New Earth. But Earth 2 is innocent and new and full of wonder and excitement, like a puppy humping a newborn in the ear. I always wanted Mera to be the champion of the Aquaman comic book and now we have Aquawoman on the team (although "Aquawoman" is aquaward to say!). And now Replacement Batman has discovered Replacement Superman! I just love that this series can go in so many different directions. In terms of a "reboot," this now feels like DC's biggest success.

Earth 2 #18

This is what my house in Oblivion looked like.

In Oblivion, I gathered up every skull I could find from the beginning of the game and dropped it inside my house. So anytime I walked around my house, skulls would fly up in all directions as I waded through them. In Morrowind (which I played on the PC and thus had a much easier time placing items on surfaces in the direction I wanted them to face), I squatted in the house where the guy was afraid to go back into his home because the basement was haunted. In that house, every surface was covered by those black statues with the red eyes. I probably spent more time decorating than solving quests.

But this isn't a blog about Computer Games even though I'd probably rather have a blog about computer games because I really like playing computer games. This is a blog about comic books! And it's time to talk about Earth 2 and New Batman!

The World Army has been dismantled by Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!) and all of Earth 2's Wonders are wondering how the hell they're going to stop Superman.

That's probably not it. That was, of course, Jay Garrick's plan. I said "of course" because Jay Garrick is an idiot in a horrible fucking costume.

Meanwhile Batman is in the basement looking to free three specific villains from stasis. He's interrupted by Lois Tornado who calls him Bruce because she's just recently back from the dead, so she doesn't know this Batman is a mystery man. Also trying to stop Batman is Major Sato of the World Army. But Batman being Batman (even if he's not Batman), he deflects all attempts to stop him and releases his first super villain.

Aquaman?

It's probably not actually Aquaman since Aquaman has nothing to do with Superman. But Lori Lemaris does! She has the Double "L" name that's so important to Superman! Plus she has a history with him. Maybe. This is The New 52 and Earth 2 so I really don't know what the fuck is actually going on. But if it is Lori, Lois Tornado is probably going to get super jealous. How dare Batman's plan be to seduce Superman when that was General Lane's plan!

Superman decides to merely cripple The Flash because Darkseid might be able to transform him into a horrible monster. Superman also wants to take Michael Holt (Mister Terrific!) and Terry Sloan (The original Mister Terrific! Now Mister 8 or something) back to Apokolips. It probably seems like a good idea, taking the smartest people on Earth 2 prisoner. But in reality, Superman should probably kill these guys because they're going to be the ones to figure out how to defeat Darkseid and his minions once and for all. Unless Batman thinks up a scheme first.

Speaking of Batman, he's just now releasing the second super villain on his list.

Oh! Aquawoman! I should have realized that the breasts were a clue.

So Superman's pal breathes information. He's taken the name "Accountable" and has become a whistleblower against the World Army. I suppose with this great cast of blasts from Superman's past, the next villain to be released will be Lex Luthor. Unless New Batman is Lex Luthor! No, no. Even on Earth 2, I can't see Lex Luthor engaging in the same kind of badassery that The Goddamned Batman engages in. He might be smart, but he's not going to take a kick to the face without completely losing his cool.

Jimmy Olsen sniffs Major Sato's phone and catches up on all the world events, even the one that is just now happening: Parademons are pouring out of the fire pits all across the globe. Looks like Darkseid's back-up plan to gain Earth is in full swing. If only Batman and Superman hadn't destroyed that mega-weapon all those years ago during their big adventure with Alternate Earth Superman and Alternate Earth Goddamned Batman. After everybody realizes how extremely fucked they all are, Batman points out the last criminal he came for: The Joker.

Well then. Who the fuck is this new Batman anyway?!

Earth 2 #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. The more Earth 2 feels like an Elseworlds Title and the less like the Golden Age Justice Society, the happier I'm going to be! I imagine New Batman must be fed-the-fuck-up Dick Grayson. It's got to be somebody that would hate the fucking Joker this much. Also, what the hell is happening with Hawkgirl and Mister Miracle and Big Barda?!

Earth 2 #17

I hope Earth 2 New Batman is Ben Affleck.

Last issue ended with Earth 2 getting a great big cock right up its hoo-haw. Even Steppenwolf was fucked hard when Brutaal sliced him in twain with his Kryptonian heat vision. Oh yeah, Brutaal turned out to be Superman. Has he been working undercover? And is Bedlam really Aquaman of Earth 2?! I know, you would think Bedlam would be the resurrected, sodomized corpse of Batman because of the connotations of that word with Batman's career. But my guess is it's mummified Aquaman brought back to life by an ancient Atlantean protozoa. And Beguile will turn out to be Aubrey Plaza.

Whoops. Pardon my gaffe. Superman's heat vision was actually an Omega Beam. That's much scarier. I think.

The world is ready to give up because how can they defeat Superman when Batman no longer exists (they haven't seen the cover of the comic so they don't know they still have a chance)? The military has one idea though! It's a long shot! It's not something they've ever tried before! It's pretty crazy because it's the antithesis of everything they stand for! But it's so crazy it just might work! They're going to try to stop Superman using love!

Robot Love, to be exact. Sexy, hot, beautiful assed Robot Love. This plan is a winner!

The ass is in the panel on the next page. You'll have to trust me that it's very nice.

So Lois Lane's consciousness has been downloaded into Red Tornado. Does Red Tornado get a Responsometer? Does Red Tornado have working parts? You know which parts. The important parts! She looks soft and supple. I wonder if she has a kryptonite bomb in her robot uterus? At least Superman will die happy.

Mister Terrific, being the Third Smartest Man on Earth Prime, comes up with a plan that doesn't involve Red Tornado removing her panties: Kryptonite! Oh, unless his plan is also the one I came up with about the Kryptonite Uterus Bomb. But Doctor Fate has an even better answer: Magic! Of course, he could still be talking about Lois's magical vagina. It's probably a good thing I'm not on the Committee to Come Up With a Plan to Defeat Superman.

While the World Army is worried about Superman penetrating their Headquarters and tearing them all apart, New Batman has infiltrated the lower levels! He seems to be seeking the stasis chambers where the World Headquarters keeps its prisoners. I bet Batman has the best plan! Hopefully one of the prisoners is made out of Kryptonite. I shouldn't even try to guess what Batman's plan is even though this is New Batman and probably not as smart as Old Batman. He's smart enough to wear the Batsuit and that's all I need to declare him the greatest hero on Earth 2!

Turns out, Doctor Fate's plan sucked.

Superman does the Kryptonian Twist on Doctor Fate's face which is actually lucky for Doctor Fate since that's probably the only part of him that can withstand Superman's furious stomping. I say "furious stomping" instead of "rhythmic twisting" because Superman isn't fucking good at everything. Ugh. He's as graceful as a three-legged giraffe jonesing for its next heroin fix.

Jay Garrick saves Doctor Fate although the helmet was cracked. This causes Khalid to continue to repeat slogans for cookies or something.

He might be talking about an old dog he once had named Crumbles.

Back at World Army Headquarters (which should just simply be called "Building for Lease" now), Lois Tornado watches her father die and New Batman finally decides to explain his plan instead of beating the shit out of the guys that are simply trying to save the world. Fucking Batman. Why does he always think punching is quicker than explanations? Anyway, his plan is to release some criminals and madmen in the hopes that one of them can help defeat Superman. Or maybe he just wants to use them as cannon fodder while he thinks up an actual plan.

Earth 2 #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm tentatively excited for the new direction this comic book is taking. I want to see all the Earth 2 Unwonders now! I hope the first one Batman frees is Ultra-Humanite! Although I have to wonder what's going on with Fury, Barda, and Scott Free over in Dinosaur Gotham. And Hawkgirl! Wasn't she doing something with some weird couple in Monte Carlo or somewhere? Mainly I have to wonder those things in type in this commentary so that I don't forget that they're happening! Anyway, a whole Earth is a lot to cover in just one comic book!

Earth 2 #15

The word "submit" has lost its edge thanks to internet polls and questionnaires.

Last issue, The World Government and the Earth 2 Wonders and Steppenwolf's Anti-Wonders were ready to go toe to toe to toe to toes to toes to toe to toes with each other. So I suspect I'm about to read ten pages full of brawling right after a couple of pages catching us up on Hawkgirl's detectivanting* in China.

*the art of detecting and gallivanting at the same time

Or maybe we'll just skip the story altogether and get right to the epilogue!

Why waste a full fucking page on this nonsense? Is it supposed to increase the dramatic tension? I think all it increases is my blood pressure! Because you know the story is going to jump back in time and explain it all to the reader. I'd rather the comic book simply continue from the point it left off last month instead of fucking around with this faux in media res merde. Or maybe this is more in finis res. Or something. Fuck Latin! I might actually know some if my stupid college had any Latin classes that started later than six in the Goddamned morning!

Jay Garrick begins to remember on the very next page so at least not a lot of time was wasted on his lying in the grass whinging on about his faulty memory. Luckily he begins remembering right from the beginning of the attack of the Anti-Wonders which he calls "Terrors" because that's the kind of propaganda that gets things done! I suppose I wasn't much better referring to them as Anti-Wonders instead of just Wonders. For all I know, they could be fighting for Truth, Justice, and the Dehrainian Way which probably isn't all that different from what Jay and Alan and the other one are fighting for. Although the Dehrainian Way is actually the despotic ruler Steppenwolf's way right now and that probably is all about terror and anti-wondering.

Oh shit, Wesley. It's going to take a lot more than a hair dryer to defeat a guy with Omega Beams.

The second terror was yet another Purple Magic Person but this one was named Beguiler instead of Wotan. She seemed a bit of a Bunker rip-off, actually. And the last one was Bedlam who turned the "good" guys against themselves which is why The Flash has some of Red Arrow's red arrows sticking out of him.

The battle is over in nine pages as opposed to the ten I guessed. Brutaal, Bedlam, and the Beguiler (is this the B Team?) stand triumphant even though Beguiler had a gigantic hole knocked in her skull and most of her skin burnt away. With all the attackers down, Steppenwolf's B Team leave them on the battlefield and head back inside the borders of Dehrain. Because the smartest thing a super villain can do is not kill the heroes when they have the chance. It always works out for the best that way.

Jay Garrick also wonders why the Wonders were left alive. He's still new to the super hero game so he doesn't realize super villains are arrogant ass pricks that often take actions that help lead to their downfall. I'm sure Steppenwolf ordered them not to kill the Wonders because he probably has some need or use of them. Perhaps the firepits all need a Wonder at the heart of them to keep them going, like the Red Lantern inside the fire pit in South America. But then you'd expect them to take at least one of the Wonders prisoner. Maybe the Terrors just love fighting and feel the best way to extend the war is by letting the Wonders live. They were easy enough to take down on the first meeting; why should it be so hard to beat them again? Right?

Meanwhile Hawkgirl's detectivanting has led her from China to Casablanca. For a first time detectivanter, she's really good at it. The mystery of who killed Alan Scott's fiance has led to Apokolipsian technology, and parademons kept in cold storage, and now to a mysterious man in Casablanca who doesn't actually exist.

She's going to Mime School!

And then in Earth 2's version of Gotham City, Mister Miracle and Big Barda are battling Fury. I forgot about this part of the plot! Barda and Scott are searching for the new Batman because somebody named Batman has to be good at everything. And they need somebody good at everything to help them with their immigration problems. They're currently wanted by both Apokolips and the World Government but they'd really like to gain refugee status and be allowed to remain on Earth without fear of arrest. Or death. But first they have to get past Fury! And maybe some other Super Powers Figures.

I know what the arrow means: "I'm with stupid!"

Earth 2 #15 Rating: No change. And that's Earth 2. Lots of characters and not really enough pages to spend on all of the characters. It always feels like the waiter came by in the middle of my dessert and cleared my plate. I think Earth 2 should be a $3.99 comic book with back-up stories that can concentrate on one of the individual characters within the context of the overall plot. I probably wouldn't feel too badly about giving up an extra dollar if it were done well. Although knowing my shitty attitude, it's hard to believe that I'd find it done anywhere near acceptable.

If I were putting some serious effort behind these commentaries instead of just vomiting them forth into the world as I read the comic books, I'd really want to rework the ones I wrote today. I was dissatisfied with my output! Now I must go flog myself for putting forth inferior quality products. But I won't be too harsh on myself because this shit is free and nobody asked you to read it anyway!

Worlds' Finest #11

DC decided to be a huge pain in my ass this month with two-page spread covers! Jerkos!

Why The Fuck are these covers being called WTF covers? "With the Fold" with a sly nod at "What the Fuck"? "Way too fat"? "Witch Titty Fun"? "White Teen Flatulence"? "Worlds' Totally Finest"? Okay, I'm done. Imma gonna read me a comic book now.

No, I'm not. First I'm going to comment on the cover! The first half of this picture looks like Mister Terrific is spawning. And in the second half, how come the Nightmare Thing has his eyes open on the big tablet but closed on the second tablet? He truly is a master of illusion!

This issue begins with The Huntress investigating some Apokoliptian weapons smugglers. She's on their case because of the African Little Rascals that assaulted Karen with their own Apokoliptian laser blasters and the Holt Security forces that stormed Karen's home with Positronic Anti-Life Boompop guns. The Huntress watches a deal go down and declares there is only one way to find out if these are the same guys that supplied those guys I just mentioned in that other sentence sitting on top of this one.

I don't know. I think there may have been some alternatives to kidnapping and injecting his testicles with India Ink.

The Huntress doesn't Narration Box about anything she learned from the guy she kidnapped so I don't know if she learned anything from the guy she kidnapped. She just continues to remember the last ten issues of Worlds' Finest, putting the pieces side-by-side for comparison to see if they might possibly be from the same puzzle. Oh! That's probably a good idea for Extreme Puzzlers! Take two very similarly themed puzzles and mix the pieces into one box. Then begin making two puzzles at once from the same pile! I can't think of anything less interesting and more frustrating than that! I think puzzles should be sold without showing the image on the front of the box. Why bother putting it together when you can already see what it is?! The reward for putting the pieces together should be learning what the picture is.

Meanwhile Karen Starr is in Las Vegas for a trade show. And it seems everything coming out of her mouth is an innuendo. She's such a sexy sexpot sex kitten. "I want everyone pumping me...." "I love to play 'you show me yours...'". "Shove it all the way in and tell me what I had for lunch." She's very much looking forward to the Holt Industries' pre-show party so I can make a joke about Mister Terrific's balls.

While Karen is preparing for a long night of making out with skeletal faced pimps, The Huntress is back breaking into Michael Holt's home. She's ready for Michael's balls this time but not for his newly hired armed mercenary security guards.

Oh come on, Helena! He's probably a contractor who has zero benefits because Holt Industries can't afford to pay decent wages due to Obama inventing taxes! He's going to be out of work with huge medical bills now and might even lose the use of his arm. Or he could be knowingly working for Demon Faced Kiss Stealer from the cover. Then I'd say it's okay to teach him a painful lesson. But only okay in comic books! Don't mistake my comic book ethics for real world ethics!

Interrupting this scene is a big advert letting DC readers know that Red Hood and the Outlaws might be worth reading now because James Tynion IV has taken over Scott Lobdell's writing duties. I don't know if the comic will be worth reading now but I do know it will be better. And that's not based on Tynion's takeover so much as Lobdell's abdication.

After defeating the guards, she hears the presumed Mr. Holt over the guard's radio say he's sending back-up. Which means The Huntress has to quickly leave again without getting any more information. I guess she'll have to break in again tomorrow night when security will include tanks and dinosaurs as well as Mister Terrific's balls.

Meanwhile 42 months previously, Karen and Helena were breaking into government buildings looking for scientific information on dimension hopping and parallel worlds.

Apparently the crucial difference between Earth Prime and Earth Two is that Philip K. Dick was never born on Earth Two.

And then it's time for Holt Industries Pre-Show Party! Helena has come as Karen's security and probably to make sure she doesn't end up getting back together with Michael Holt. Especially since Michael Holt is probably a robot now. Except the cover already sort of disproved that theory. Whatever he is, you'd think Power Girl could use her super duper vision to suss out what he really is. I guess she's blinded by love. Or science. But apparently she doesn't need to use her super powers since Michael Holt decides to drop his disguise as soon as they meet.

I know what comes after Desaad! Eesaad!

Worlds' Finest #11 Rating: No change. I'm glad the "Next Month" text told me that was Desaad because I never would have guessed. I suppose I'm supposed to know that any character in a huge purple robe and hood is Desaad, even when his features are so lich-like. I'm assuming this is the Desaad from Earth Two who followed Supergirl and Robin through the dimensional rift. Although the "wanna guess what comes next?" tag would suggest Darkseid is about to make an appearance. Or maybe I'm supposed to guess that what comes next is Desaad getting a major ass kicking for putting his hands on Karen Starr without her consent. There are just too many variables to guess at!