Future Quest #6

The Quest Team about to be sucked into the Time Vagina's vortex.

This is probably he last issue of Future Quest I'm going to read. Not because I don't love Hanna-Barbera cartoons! It's just that I don't love most of the Hanna-Barbera cartoons that make up this comic book! Sure, the Herculoids were one of my favorites as a kid. But Birdfuckingman? Johnny Quest? The Impossibles? No thanks! Maybe if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt wind up in this issue, I'll reconsider adding it back to the pull list.

The human body is an incredible machine. Today, I farted, belched, and urinated all at the same time. And I have a mind capable of admiring that feat! At first I typed "burped" and "peed" but I figured I should probably smart it up a bit. I couldn't think of a good smart word for fart. I wish I had been spitting instead so I could have said expectorate!

This issue begins with the kid from the swamp who was deputized by Johnny Quest expressing glee after turning into a full grown man named Mightor with a saber-toothed cat as his sidekick. He also decides to nickname his saber-toothed cat friend "Snag" which means this must be Snagglepuss. I'll know for sure when I see which side of the panel he exits.

When I was about ten or twelve years old, I would have hated suddenly becoming a full grown man. It would have just made me feel even more awkward and uncomfortable than I already was. The transition from childhood to adult is supposed to be a long battle against puberty which every child eventually succumbs to through attrition and self-doubt. When they finally drag themselves into sixteen or seventeen, they just roll over and scream, "Enough already! ENOUGH! I accept it! I'm a stupid adult! Fine! Fuck everything!" Although maybe it would be better to just wake up one day and find you've easily slid into the transition overnight. Then you can just pop out of bed, run outside, and find somebody to fuck badly!

Another player in this story is Ug, the caveman. He speaks some kind of made up gobbledygook language that I can call gobbledygook because it's fictional. You can't call me disrespectful for that. It's why I only criticize comic books because anybody who screams at me for saying something they disagree with just looks like a petty asshole who takes their stupid comic books way too seriously. Ug is a fucking stupid caveman who sounds like his mouth is shitting when he speaks! There! I said it! He disgusts me!

I once had a growth spurt when somebody grabbed my club fossil! OH!

The kids know Mightor used to be Ty because he's the only black character in this comic book. I hope his introduction to the Quest team gives Hadji the confidence to start calling out all of the racist crap Dr. Quest and Race Bannon get up to. I'm fairly certain there as least one episode where Dr. Quest experiments on Hadji, and at least three episodes where Race Bannon said the N-word.

I'm glad I've forgotten all of the dinosaur names I knew as a kid because about 75% of those names probably aren't recognized by the scientific community anymore. Hell, when I was a kid, people still weren't sure what killed off the dinosaurs. One Dr. Larson thought maybe they died from smoke inhalation!

In the 70s, dinosaurs had names like Angry Sky Lizard, Terribly Fat Swamp Monster, and Long Necked Ducklodadopuss.

Mightor arrives with the unconscious body of Birdfuckingman and leaves him with Johnny Quest. Before he leaves, he says, "Told you Snag was a scrapper!" Oh, did you? When did you say that? In the time that doesn't exist where you hung out with Johnny and the others after transforming and before this moment? Fuck you, Ty. You're a fucking liar! You're worse than that guttermouthed Ug.

Meanwhile in another universe or timeline or reality, Space Ghost fights for his life against the evil monster whose name I've long forgotten. I do know it isn't Brak, unfortunately. Oh! It's Omnikron! I think that means "All of the weed." Space Ghost chases it through a Time Vagina, so he'll probably be on Earth soon too.

Race Bannon, master of anatomy!

Zin's dinosaur attack on the Quest's isn't proving sufficient to destroy them so he ties a bomb to a velociraptor and giggles maniacally. He might be the greatest evil scientist in the history of evil scientists!

Somehow, Birdfuckingman saves the kids from the velicoraptor bomb. He must have seen this trick before. Maybe Zin isn't as imaginative as I thought. I bet he pulls the old bomb on a dinosaur every time he needs to make a fast get away with a kidnapped scientist. Oh yeah, during the kerfuffle, Jade kidnapped Dr. Quest. Good. Dr. Quest probably made his career as a scientist thanks to Project Paperclip. He deserves whatever he gets.

That's the end of the Jonny Quest bit because the last half of the comic had to be used for something even more boring than a Jonny Quest story: The Impossibles! Also, I know I've been spelling "Jonny" wrong throughout this commentary but I'm too lazy to fix it. So if it was bothering you, you should realize that you might have a problem with being a know-it-all jerko and not some super chill awesome dude like somebody I know! Hint hint: it's me!

The Impossibles, who are giant Magic the Gathering playing nerd bro whinter babies, make a friend who is a girl. So, you know, they live up to their name! The end!

The Ranking!
You know what? I've always hated Jonny Quest. He's such a little prick. And his dog is an asshole too. I don't know why I even began reading this comic book. No wait! I do remember! Because the Herculoids were in it! But they're not in it enough for me to keep reading it. So I'm throwing you in the discard pile, Future Quest! Somebody let me know if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt ever turn up in this thing!

Future Quest #5

More old cartoon characters I don't remember! Where's Hong Kong Phooie?! Or Speed Buggy?! Or the Hair Bears?!

The Review!
When last we left our heroes--I mean, your heroes! They certainly aren't my heroes! Where the fuck is Blue Falcon?!--they had found themselves in some kind of Time Vagina. That's an actual scientific term! Look it up! No wait! Don't look it up! I'm going to name my first published novel Time Vagina!. Hmm, I wonder if I should use two exclamation points?

Luckily they met a caveman who seemed to be able to help them by leading them back to his cave where they could plan their next course of action. Although, what kind of plan can you really come up with when you've fallen into a Time Vagina? It's not like you have any control of your own life at that point!

And, let's face it, how much help are they going to get from a caveman who paints dinosaurs pulling trains on his home? Disgusting.

The painting on Ug's home is actually just his Mightor fanfiction. It's heavy on the homosexual dinosaur gang bangs.

The eight year old member of the heroic team translates the cave paintings for the group. Oh, come on! What does an eight year old know about homosexual dinosaur gang bangs?! I mean, aside from the names of all of the dinosaurs!

This Time Vagina has teeth!

After the eight year old kid deconstructs the ancient slash fanfic, he says, "My dad has been pulling fossils out of a tar pit for months--they take a long time to clear off." I've never heard anything so disgustingly filthy before! Sicko perv!

Nope. Wait. There we go. Hadji is even more disgusting. Unless that's me who is more disgusting because I read too much into that statement. Eh, tomato, tomato.

The Quest Team (which is, I suppose, what they're officially called since that's how FEAR refers to them) stumble upon a gang of FEAR thugs opening crates in a clearing. Of course, Race Bannon immediately opens fire on them. What a fucking dick! No warning shots or anything! They could just be camping, asshole! Or cosplayers! Luckily for Race, Jade X doesn't have the same kind of bloodthirsty murder monsters running through her veins, and she simply knocks him unconscious. Then she ass rapes him with her gun. Probably. That's totally off camera. Also, it's not really rape because she knows Race is into getting knocked out and then having a pistol shoved into his anus. They used to date.

Birdman is flying to their rescue as he screams into his wrist wrappings. He might be a little bit insane.

Suddenly, from out of the prehistoric jungle (aka the Time Vagina Bush), stampedes a host of dinosaurs! Also a Woolly Mammoth. I don't want anybody thinking I think a Woolly Mammoth is a dinosaur! I almost said "a host of prehistoric creatures but then I'd get criticism over that too. So instead, I have an awkward sentence just to keep Internet trolls off of my dick. The dinosaurs (and Mammoth!) are being mind-controlled by Doctor Zin! I guess he didn't trust Jade X to get the job done. Or maybe he did and he just sent the dinosaurs (and Mammoth!) in too early. I think they were meant to kill Jade so he wouldn't have to pay her. Perhaps this is the point where she switches teams! As a mercenary, that's her prerogative! Possibly. I know the best comic book mercenaries stake their entire reputation on getting every paid job done. But sometimes, the mercenary can flip flop jobs! So as long as Jonny Quest gives Jade a buck or two, she can probably switch sides without completely destroying her reputation.

As the battle rages around them, Jonny and the other kids begin looting FEAR's campsite.

Holy shit! Look at how angry Jonny is at this kid! "Fucking amateur! Go back to the Louisiana swamps, you dolt!"

I'd be annoyed if I were Jonny too! He's a professional kid adventurer and suddenly he's been teamed up with all of these nobodies. Just behind him, Jan is picking up an old skull and remarking, "I'm glad these aren't alive!" Meanwhile, a bunch of alive ones are tearing through the camp! Holy fuck. Now I'm getting annoyed! I hope Jonny snaps and murders some of these fools.

Maybe Jonny won't have to snap. It looks like FEAR can take care of a few pesky kids and their menagerie!

What saying is that? "Curiosity in children should be crushed and discouraged until they stop fucking annoying you with constant questions"?

The dumb kid who thought a tusk was the club touches the actual club and becomes the new Mightor. Plus the skull comes to life and becomes a raging sabretooth tiger sidekick. I hope it mauls Jan!

It totally makes sense that this new kid gets to be one of the old cartoon characters since all of the old cartoon characters were either white or racist stereotypes. No offense, Hadji!

That's the end of the main story! Next, the readers are introduced to The Impossibles! They learn one of them can control magnetic fields and one of them can turn into more of them and one of them can bounce around and one of them can become really moist. Then they fight a guy who wants to recruit them into FEAR. But they're already working with Deva, Birdfuckingman's manager! So, um, that's that! I guess!

The Ranking!
+1! This issue was either more entertaining than the last few or I found myself more entertaining writing about it. Either way, I had fun reading it! Or writing about it! Whatever!

Future Quest #4

"By the power of...oh wait! That's not a Hanna-Barbera cartoon!

The Review!
More characters are added to the story in this story about five billion characters. The most important character is Omnikron! He's the big all-powerful alien who has exploded all over Earth and across all time. So now the other four billion, nine hundred ninety nine million, nine hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine characters are searching for the Bits of Omnikron. Some of those characters are the bad guys and some of them are the good guys! Some new characters introduced this issue who I'll totally forget about by next issue? Mightor! He's a famous caveman. Ug! He's a not as famous Neanderthal! Todd Messick! He's some kid or something. He's probably annoying. I get that feeling because he sees a dinosaur and totally knows it by name. Nerd. Then there's Kim Conroy who is into robots and artificial intelligence because she's Asian. Her son, Buzz, has a robot friend named Frankenstein Junior. Last of all but sexily not least, there's Jade X. I think she was already introduced in that story where she was trying to fuck Birdfuckingman but--as you can tell by his name--he wasn't all that into her. She's a bad guy who does freelance work for bad guys! But since she's freelance, that probably means she'll switch sides when she falls in love with somebody on the good side.

I get the feeling this comic book was written for people in their mid-fifties who are just enjoying every new character being introduced so they can get a huge hit of nostalgia and scream, "Oh shit! I remember that idiot!" I don't recognize a lot of these characters. I mean, Birdfuckingman, of course, because he was a lawyer with his own show for awhile. And I recognize Space Ghost because he had that talk show. And I recognize Jonny Quest even though I hate him. And I recognized the Herculoids because I loved that cartoon when I was a kid. But most of the others, I don't recognize or remember!

Not much happens here except for all that introducing I mentioned earlier that caused all of those older people's boners and lady lubrication, if any of them are still capable of that kind of good time. Who can tell?!

The Ranking!
No change! Four issues in and still no Blue Falcon and Dynomutt! Introducing those characters is about the only chance of me popping a boner and/or excreting lady lubrication! Mostly, this comic book has yet to give me any justification for why I'm paying $3.99 a month for it! I mean, Jonny Quest hasn't even died yet! Come on!

Future Quest #3

The censors didn't approve of Birdman's original name, Birdfuckingman.

The Review!
It seems Future Quest has too many characters to keep introducing during the story. Everybody is already confused by Jonny and Hadji and Race and Birdman and Space Ghost and Blip and Jan and Jace and F.E.A.R. and the Herculoids and probably other ones who I've forgotten about because there were so many characters introduced in the first issue's battle against Omnikron. This issue takes a break from the main story to tell two stories of introduction. The first story is about Birdman. What I found most interesting is that his name is Ray Randall and he has the power of Ra! That's a crazy coincidence!

I also learned that Birdman has a pet Bird named Avenger. He must be crazy jealous of that bird because it's name is so much cooler! Birdman must be Avenger's sidekick. It's right there in his name. He's the man of a bird and that bird has the coolest fucking name in the comic: Avenger!

In the first story, Birdman also meets a lady. He tries to make a play for her but she insists that they must keep their relationship professional. I might argue that his choice of costume has already thrown the term "professional" out of the window.

The plot of the story is the same plot as the main story in the first two issues. F.E.A.R. is trying to gather up parts of Omnikron and Earth's heroes are trying to stop him, although they don't know why. They just know F.E.A.R. is always up to something horrible!

The second story features the Herculoids! It's about how Zargon and Darnoff met and came to boss the Herculoids around. Also their names might be different than the names I wrote. Even though I loved the cartoon as a kid, none of the names stuck with me across the decades except for Gloop and Gleep. I suppose I could open up the comic book and correct my error but fuck that. That's practically work!

The humans who think they're better than the Herculoids once lived on a planet nearby. But that planet was taken over by robots because robots are jerks. I'm always perplexed by people who think artificial intelligence would be a good thing. I can hardly stand my electronics now and I have nearly complete control over them! Why would I want them to have a will of their own? Who thinks making electronics more like people is a good idea? Probably those fucking extroverts I've heard about! They would probably think it was fantastic if their record player could talk to the guests at their party. At least until the record player starts saying shit like, "What?! He said he's always loved Pavement?! This is the first fucking Pavement record he's ever asked me to play! He's such a poseur!" Hmm, now I sort of wish record players, at least, were sentient!

Every day, the Herculoids have to fight back robots trying to get a foothold on the planet so they could dig up the living mud that lives there and from which the robots' brains are made. I guess they need to upgrade their brains because they are pretty stupid. The Herculoids stop them every time they try to land on the planet and do some mining but they still insist on landing near the Herculoids! There's a whole stupid planet they could land on! I guess they're logical to a fault. So since they know the greatest concentration of living mud is where the Herculoids call home, that's the best place to try to land to get living mud even though the Herculoids beat the shit out of them every time. I bet some robots are all, "Maybe we should land further away from their camp." And then a more logical robot is all, "That does not compute. There is less living mud further away from their camp. It would be a waste of time and resources." Then the first robot is all, "Isn't it a waste of time and resources to keep getting destroyed by the Herculoids?" And then the second robot is all, "Error! Error! You do not compute! Guards! Unplug that robot!"

The story ends with Gorbo, Zargon and Darnoff's son, having to go to bed because it's bedtime. I bet that's how all of the Herculoid stories ended. Sometimes it's tough to figure out how to end a piece of writing so it's nice to have a gimmick that you can fall...oh! Sorry! I have to go to bed now! Good night!

Future Quest #2

I don't mind Bleep or whatever the fuck Space Ghost's monkey's name is joining up with the Herculoids but fuck Jonny Quest's dog.

The Commentary!
• After I read Issue #1, I decided I wasn't going to keep reading this series. But I like all of the other Hanna-Barbera comic books and I really love the Herculoids and Jeff Parker isn't a hack writer, so why not give it another try, I figured! Actually, I didn't even put that much thought into it. I was just at a comic book store that wasn't my usual comic book store still looking for a copy of Batman Beyond #13 (for anybody wondering why I haven't had a Batman Beyond review in months, it's because I can't find that issue!) and saw they had all the Future Quest books I skipped earlier. So I picked them up and added them to my to-read stack which only ever seems to grow. Stupid comic books. Whose idea was it that comic books should come out every week?

• Even though The Herculoids was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid, I can't fucking remember the names of any of them. They're all fucked up jungle names like Tarzan and Zartan! The only ones I remember are Gloop and Gleep and I'm not even sure if those are actually the names of the Pseudo-Shmoos!

• Currently, the Herculoids and Space Ghost and some of his Space Buddies are battling Omnikron. I think this is a flashback because Omnikron is defeated and winds up in pieces. His pieces end up on Earth and some villain working for F.E.A.R. organization are trying to collect them to become all-powerful. Only then will F.E.A.R. be able to defeat the Quests.

• Omnikron creates a vortex which transports its essence to Earth. Space Ghost and most of the Herculoids and a bunch of Space Buddies all fall into the rift and are transported to Earth too. Now they're going to find themselves in a boring ass Jonny Quest cartoon.

• I can't believe how much I keep slagging off Jonny Quest when I barely even used to watch it! I'm totally ignorant when it comes to Jonny Quest and yet I can't stop assuming it was awful!

• Jan, Jace, and Blip (I had to look up the monkey's damn name. Bleep was pretty fucking close, right?!) crash on Earth while Space Ghost remains in some purgatory with Omnikron. Jonny and Haji (I just looked up his name too. It's Hadji! Pretty fucking close, right?!) rescue Jan and Blip but Jace is nowhere to be seen! I guess he was thrown from the space ship because he was too macho to wear his space seat belt. I'm sure it'll be important to the story later that he wasn't with the group. Probably because they're about to be captured by F.E.A.R.

• What does F.E.A.R. stand for? Fucking Erudite Asshole Racists? False Equivalencies Are Retarded (they're an evil organization! They might use the terrible R-slur! Blame them if that's wrong!)? Failures Establishing A Regime? Fear Establishing Aryan Radicals?

Oh! Who needs Jace to save the day when you have Race! And that obviously smelly Bandit.

• Birdman also flies in to help although he's instantly caught himself. Maybe he should stick to practicing law.

• The F.E.A.R. agents retreat with Jan and Jace's ship. On their way out of the swamp, they trip over an invisible and unconscious Jace lying face down in the mud. See?! Too manly to wear his seat belt! I'll be surprised if F.E.A.R. didn't just find themselves a corpse.

• The Quest team regroup because another vortex is about to open in Brazil. They need to beat Doctor Zin and F.E.A.R. to the location even though they have no idea why they're doing it. They just know that if Zin is interested in these vortexes, they can't be good. Too bad they don't realize Zin has teamed up with Jezebel Jade! I mean, I think that's probably bad. I don't know who she is. Maybe one of Race Bannon's ex-girlfriends he dumped horribly who never got over him and has dedicated her life to pure evil and destroying Race?

The Review
This series might still be a bit too earnest for my tastes. But then, maybe I need to read some more earnest stories? Maybe I need to read stories about good people doing good for the sake of good while also never swearing or acting lewd around cute women. Maybe it will do my cold, dead heart good to see how caring, competent people try to make the world a better place? Although, I don't want to overdo it! I'd better stick the other Future Quest issues further down in the stack so I don't overdose on sentimentality.

Ranking: +1. (Note this is a +1 with a period! That's not quite as good as a +1 with an exclamation point!)

Future Quest #1

How dare Jeff Parker pre-sign my copy of Future Quest without providing a certificate of authentication!

The Review or Whatever!
The Herculoids were one of my favorite cartoons as a child so I chose this cover. But if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt had been one of the choices, I would have picked up that issue. By the way, I hope Jeff Parker doesn't forget about Blue Falcon and Dynomutt! I'd rather see them than that little racist Jonny Quest, his imperialist father, and that bug-eyed dog!

I never actually watched much Jonny Quest so I'm probably projecting!

This comic book is the Laff-A-Lympics of Hanna Barbera's space and adventure cartoons. Unless Yogi's Great Space Race was that! No, that was just goofy characters from different cartoons in space. This is all the cool characters that weren't played goofy at all joining together to defeat Omnikron! Although Omnikron is kind of defeated in the opening scene, so it's really the characters coming together to defeat Dr. Zin of F.E.A.R. who is collecting pieces of Omnikron as they appear on Earth. To defeat this intergalactic menace, it's going to take the combined talents of Space Ghost, the Herculoids, Birdman, Race Bannon, and a couple of kids and their dog!

I was hoping to enjoy it more than I did but I think I'm of the generation where the only way I can enjoy the nostalgia of these characters is if they're presented in a modern cynical reworking of their personas! While reading this, I just kept thinking, "I should watch The Venture Bros. or Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law or Space Ghost Coast to Coast!" And now I'm just wondering why The Herculoids didn't get a re-imagining too! I don't think I'll be sticking with this one. I hope Wacky Raceland is more exciting!

Justice League United #16

Goodbye, best Justice League of The New 52!

I hope this is the last issue! Not because I want it to be the last issue but because I already said goodbye to it in the caption up there. I'm actually angry that this Justice League is being cancelled and the regular Justice League is still somehow everybody's favorite Justice League. Everybody thinks Geoff Johns squirts gold-plated sperms. His stories succeed simply because he has complete control over the DC Youniverse! He can do any ridiculous thing he wants to any character and he doesn't have a shit editor breathing down his neck telling him he can't do it. He's basically allowed to write an Elseworlds tale every time he sits down to think up a new Justice League story. But his Elseworlds story changes the fabric of the entire DC Youniverse which everybody else now has to keep in mind while they write their stories. I'd be the best writer at DC too if I could do anything I wanted! Batman would suddenly have a shit fetish, paying Catwoman thousands of dollars to squat over his naked chest. Green Lantern would make it his goal to bang an alien on every planet he visits. The Flash would murder all of the writers and editors who ignored the no time travel directive and screwed up The New 52 almost as soon as it began. Wonder Woman would end poverty, feed the hungry, overthrow every violent dictator, and hug the world. Superman would realize he's the biggest threat to the safety of Earth because he's constantly being mind-controlled and magically manipulated and turned dark by evil energy and he'd put a kryptonite bullet in his brain. Then the hypocrites all around the world would mourn his death and cry about how the greatest hero ever was dead! Although a lot of irritating shits would remind everybody how problematic he was and that everybody claiming he was a hero is totally gross and disgusting.

But enough about that crappy Justice League! It's time to see off the Justice League that is actually saving the world.

Look how cute Alanna is with her teacher who really shouldn't have started a sexual relationship with her.

This story is the story of the first Breaker Justice League United had to deal with. Which means it's probably also the story in which Adam Strange becomes part of the Zeta Beam. It's also a story called "House of Secrets" which will really please me if the House of Secrets is actually in it.

The Breaker has landed in Western Connecticut and set up a dome around the town. People can get into the dome but then can't leave. So Justice League United becomes trapped immediately. Only Adam Strange is outside of the dome and he flies off to help keep people out and to figure out how to rescue everybody.

To be fair, Adam, I think they were less concerned with space opera drama than sexual harassment lawsuits and abuses of power.

Justice League United begins to ask questions to the strange looking Travel Foremanesque locals because they don't know what a Breaker looks like. A kid on a bike helps them out by pointing to an old house that wasn't in town that morning: the House of Secrets! I hope Rain still lives there! Maybe Stargirl will become the judge for the Juris!

Yay! Maybe not better than Rain but just as good: Abel is back!

Equinox walks into a room where she sees the creation of the Wendigo (or whatever the creature is that haunts her people. I forget!). Stargirl witnesses Boston Brand's death. Animal Man sees the Kents' stealing a baby out of a rocket ship. Alanna decides Abel is the breaker and kills him. Too bad he's used to being murdered. He gets back up, dusts himself off, and explains to the Justice League United that they are in a house of secrets. He's actually pretty reasonable about it for having just had his arm blown off by a grad student.

While the others explore the House of Secrets, Adam learns that if Alanna uses her zeta beam technology while in the Breaker, she'll wind up a permanent part of the zeta beam. I guess learning that information won't stop Adam from doing it.

Why are heroes always so quick to throw their lives away? Just ask Abel nicely! I'm sure he'll help if everybody just starts respecting him as their host!

Adam zeta beams out causing the House of Secrets to collapse because it really was the Breaker. I guess Abel hasn't actually made a real appearance then. Although Jeff Parker gets away with introducing a character into the DC You that editorial definitely didn't want existing in the new DC:

Detective Chimp is canon! And not just Channel 52 canon! Real canon!

After Alanna tells the story of the first Breaker, she explains to the others what she saw in the House of Secrets. She saw that her father was Sardath of Rann. And now she thinks she knows how to force Sardath into saving Adam from the zeta beam and ending Justice League United with a clean slate. Which is what happens and everybody lives happily ever after until Justice League United is resurrected with an awful writer and then they'll all be super sad.

Justice League United #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. Jeff Parker saved this book but I guess it was too late. I've also got to say that I was always ambivalent about Travel Foreman's art but he's won me over on this book. His style is all over the place and I love it. He may be the only artist in comics who can draw average sized boobs. And they look great! I'm going to miss this book because Jeff Parker understands how to write a comic book. A good mix of fun and adventure and character interactions and good old super hero nonsense.

Justice League United #15

This cover isn't toning down my Medusa lust.

At the end of the last issue, OMAC appeared. OMAC used to be the One Man Army Corps but that wasn't modern or stupid enough so DC Comics changed it to the One Machine Attack Construct. Calling some super powered person a One Man Army Corps was probably offensive to soldiers in the army. Most soldiers in the army are probably offended by things like burning the American flag or people who thank them for fighting for freedom when they're expressly fighting for oil. But some soldiers in the army are nerds (because nerds are everywhere) and they were all, "Jack Kirby is a douche! He thinks what we do can be done by one simple minded stockboy with a computer?! One Man Army Corps, my ass! More like One Major...um...Asshole Clown!"

I put the "um" in there to show that most people in the army aren't great at thinking on their feet. I'm not entirely sure that's a fact but it seems to me that somebody wanting to live a regimented and structured life where they feel most comfortable being told what to do might be evidence of my bias. Except for anybody in the army reading this right now! You should probably ask for a promotion to Sergeant General!

This issue begins with an awful lot of phallus talk!

Von Hammer? Cosmic Rod? I'm starting to see the gay appeal of war comics!

OMAC, being Dan DiDio's favorite character to masturbate on, somehow doesn't defeat everybody else. That's probably because Jeff Parker is writing this comic book and now Super Jack Kirby Fan Dan "I Call My Penis 'OMAC: Overly Masculine Angry Cock'" DiDio. Instead, OMAC is punched in the face at the same time by Robotman and Steel. OMAC slumps to the ground defeated and I'm left thinking, "Why did Robotman say 'Finally!' when they defeated OMAC? OMAC has only been in this comic book series for five panels! Do most of Robtoman's battles last only one or two?! Why isn't Robotman the greatest hero in the DC Youniverse?!" The Doom Patrol should really have their own series by this point in The New 52. And even though I know Geoff Johns probably has dibs on that series, I think Jeff Parker would be a good fit to write it. He might not be Shakespeare when Shakespeare is really pounding out the highfalutin philosophical mumbo-jumbo that everybody likes to quote to look smart but he's definitely on par with Shakespeare when he's writing penis and fart jokes.

Batgirl and Vandal Savage arrive on the battlefield just as the Creature Commandos begin to regroup and Medusa hopefully pulls her shirt down lower to expose more cleavage. How come nobody has yet invented a bikini that shows vagina cleavage? That's a billion dollar idea right here!

Also arriving in time for the chaos: Sgt. Rock and Easy Company! I'm sure the Unknown Soldier is around somewhere as well. And of course Stargirl with Baron Von Hammer are directly above everybody in the sky. Not to mention all of the random troops full of regular people from every war that ever encroached on Arracourt, France. I think some Rocket Reds might be in the battle as well!

The Red Baron's plane gets shot out of the sky by Sgt. Rock and I feel a little strange reading a story where Stargirl is falling out of the sky in a crashing plane. Steel saves her life by throwing the rod at her and she flies to safety clutching her cosmic rod and Baron Von Hammer. Other sexy things that happen before a truce is called: Vandal commits perfidy, Medusa stands in a normal pose, and Robotman throws himself on a grenade thrown by the Unknown Soldier.

Working together, the new team of Justice League United and every war character ever created by DC Comics except for The Unknown Soldier storm the Breaker. Sgt. Rock knows where all of the enemies will be attacking because he's stormed the Breaker every single day that he's been trapped in the time anomaly. But now he has a small army at his back instead of the usual losers of Easy Company and they make it to the enemy in just a few minutes.

I knew it! Constant worship of the Unknown Soldier and a populace's need to append meaning to the death of every soldier is what keeps war going!

Once the Unknown Soldier is killed, everybody returns to their proper times. Although I don't know where OMAC and the Creature Commandos wind up since their books were cancelled a long time ago. I guess wherever they are, Justice League United will be meeting up with them soon.

Justice League United #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Did I just read an anti-war comic book? Fucking communists! How dare you put messages of peace and love hidden inside exciting stories about war?! If you want to make money exploiting war, that's cool. But you should put a warning on the cover if you're going to slip in some namby pamby hippie bullshit message like "war is bad." That's practically like stealing my money! How bad can war be when it's America's go-to solution to solve any problem? The war doesn't even have to be concerned with the solution to the problem either! It's just good to have a war, I guess. Freedom or some such. Because none of us would be free at all if we weren't off in other countries killing people. Thank God we have so many heroic men and women willing to throw their lives away for probably good reasons full of meaning which accomplishment important things. Anyway, I've got my eye on you, Jeff Parker! You won't fool me into buying your socialist rag again! Next time, I'm going to read the end of the story to make sure you put the proper, positive spin on war when the story wraps up. "No more war," my huge manly erection!

Justice League United #14

Is this a Jem and the Holograms tie-in?

I found a blog recently that is horrible. It's not trying to be horrible. But it is horrible anyway. Also it is not this blog, smart monkey. I do not want to say what blog it is because I only speak poorly of entertainers who charge me money for their product and, instead of entertaining me, pee all over my open mouth as I forget to shut it and then continue to pay for the service every month thereafter. Most of the time, I'm talking about metaphorical pee. But if anybody wants to try to guess what blog I mean, I will tell you if you get it right. It shouldn't be too hard to guess. How many blogs can there be on the internet? Like two dozen?

It really is terrible though. But that won't keep me from reading through every entry! Nothing makes you feel more alive and quite a bit more superior than the next chap than reading really terrible writing based on a fairly boring idea. Although I don't think the concept seems dumb to pop culture nerds. They probably think the site is smart and entertaining. But it's not!

Man! You really should check out this horrible blog! Generally, I'd shut up about it because I'm refusing to mention the URL. Everybody is probably thinking, "Why don't you shut up about it?!" Eventually I will, I suppose. Kant once said, "All false art, all vain wisdom, lasts its time but finally destroys itself, and its highest culture is also the epoch of its decay." What does that mean? I don't know! Sometimes I forget what I was trying to say. Does that ever happen to you? Oh! Maybe I should get to the comic book now?

The best part of Justice League United is the scene between Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. Mostly it's the best part because I like Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. It's also the best part because Batgirl beats the crap out of Easy Company to help Vandal Savage escape! Doesn't she know she's supposed to be supporting the Americans?! Barbara Gordon is a communist!

And Stargirl takes succor from the enemy! Unless succor means something inappropriate and nasty.

Oh wait! I made a huge mistake! The best part of the comic book wasn't the part with Stupid Rock and Randall Scabbage at all! It's the part where the Creature Commandos appear with GI Zombie and GI Robot! They attack Cliff Steele and Steel for some reason. You'd think GI Robot would be all, "Beep beep beep! I'm feeling really uncomfortable with your actions, guys. Beep beep beep!"

Medusa makes me feel dizzy in my pants.

I'm telling you right now don't comment on this Critical Review with the obvious Medusa/Pants joke. I will not have my blog sullied by mediocrity! If you want mediocrity, figure out that other blog I mentioned earlier!

I could easily close out this Critical Review (maybe I should change the name of my blog to Grunion Guy's Critical Comic Book Reviews? That would probably garner fewer questions about the blog's name. Also it would clearly state the intention of this blog! If only I'd had an agent before setting foot in the world of high stakes comic book review sites) with picture after picture of Medusa and her Medusa Bosom and her Medusa Crotch and her Medusa Belly. I would look at that Critical Review and think, "That's a really satisfying look at Justice League United #14!" Then my penis would make a funny sound effect.

I think this is a lesson in not raping because the Germans probably would have won the war with Vandal Savage on their side and he only switched sides because of Commandant Rapist. It's always good to learn another reason why you shouldn't rape!

While Vandal and Batgirl try to contact the rest of the Justice League United, the Unknown Soldier creeps up and begins spying on them in the hopes that they're young lovers on a picnic about to have some pound cake with wine. They don't have any pound cake at all. Instead they're attacked by Germans. One German says, "Ahk!" That means "Oh shit! I got a Batarang in my eye!" in English. The other German says, "Sterben, Fledermaus Frau!" That means, "Surrender, flying mouse girl!" But then that guy steps on a landmine and Flying Mouse Girl doesn't have to surrender at all. But it does cause Vandal to laugh and say, "Krieg ist die Hölle, mien Freund." That means "Watch your step, my friend." The Unknown Soldier never comes out of hiding because he wants to remain anonymous.

A-ha! Maybe this is the sexy picnic the Unknown Soldier was searching for!

Back at the battle of the Creature Commandos, I can't even scan the shoulder mounted mortar gun that Frankenstein uses without embarrassing any ladies reading this. Medusa shows some more of her bosom as she tries to turn Cliff Steele to stone. But that doesn't work because he's a robot and his brain might even just be a reel of tape at this point. It's hard to tell how many bottoms New 52 Cliff Steele has hit up until this point. The Creature Commandos are no match for Steel and Robotman because they're not the heroes of this comic book (which is too bad). But their next opponent isn't going to be as easy to defeat!

Oh man! Another cock!

Justice League United #14 Rating: No change. It's a cavalcade of trademarks this issue! Most of DC's war comics over the last four years have been terrible so why not throw them all into one big chaotic story? It's really working! Plus this story has the original Sergeant Rock instead of that loser grandson of his DC tried to pawn off on its readers in Men of War. That was awful! As was GI Combat! And Star Spangled War Stories! Hopefully the next issue will reintroduce the Haunted Tank and the Nazi War Wheel!

Justice League United #13

Yay! The Creature Commandos are back! Unless I meant "Yay! Cliff Steele is back!"

I'm always the last to know about these kinds of things but I'll act like a reporter breaking news right now and mention that Justice League United is the best Justice League book on the shelves right now. I hope it runs forever!

This issue begins in Arracourt, France in 1940 during the Korean War on Drugs. The good version of Sgt. Rock is sending Easy Company into certain danger as he splits up with them. The bad version of Sgt. Rock isn't in this comic book because 2011's Men At War was cancelled early on during The New 52 because it was terrible. Really awful. I'd say it was worse than Grifter at the time to underscore my point but I try to avoid hyperbole and lying directly to my audience, especially when the lie is as obvious as saying any comic book at all was worse than Grifter.

As Sgt. Rock goes door to door telling the French to hide their pot, he runs into Vandal Savage and my body becomes a gigantic goose pimple. Gross. The comic book isn't gross though! This may have been the best beginning to any New 52 DC You comic book I've ever read! And Robotman and the Creature Commandos have yet to appear! I feel sorry for anybody not reading this comic book. You'll be sorry when the series reaches issue #100 and every single back issue is worth a little over cover price. Boom! Investments, baby!

Are we shipping these two now? Ravage? Sgandal? Easy Company?

The next scene takes place in the present where Vandal Savage is being kidnapped by Animal Man and Alanna Strange. He's needed to save the world! I hope he doesn't meet up with Sgt. Rock's corpse or there could be trouble. And blow jobs.

Also kidnapped to work for the Justice League United are Batgirl, Cliff Steele, and John Henry Irons (also a Steel). They're somewhere in Zeta Space or something. Wherever they are, they're not on Earth because Cliff's GPS doesn't work and according to knowing things, GPS doesn't work everywhere in the universe. It isn't some magical talisman that communes with the stars to reveal a person's location in space, time, and alternate realities, Cliff. Stop being so ignorant! Now everybody is going to know that the "Robot" part of your name isn't very accurate because robots wouldn't go about saying stupid things. Unless they were programmed to sound not very smart to maintain the illusion that they have the brain of an actual man inside of them. That's just the kind of thing Niles Caulder would program into a robot he constructed to make it think it was the brain of a not very good racer!

The new team finds out the location of the current Breaker that must be broken before it destroys all time and space: Arracourt, France! DUH DUH DUN! "But that's where Vandal Savage and Sgt. Rock were last seen flirting," you gasp because you're probably like me and that's what I gasped. "That means Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage are going to be reunited once more like a scene from a mid-90s rom-com!" you sputter as you pull your dick out of your pants. Or you pull whatever ladies have in their pants out if you're a lady. Is it a crotch boobie? No, no! Don't tell me! I want to be surprised someday.

Stargirl joins Steel, Vandal, Batgirl, and Steele as they rush in to the time vortex that has descended on Arracourt. That means they'll get to encounter all of DC's legendary World War I, World War II, and Korean War on Drugs characters! My brain has a total boner!

The main problem with Justice League United's missions, as pointed out by Jason Blood last issue, is that they always come with a cost. That cost is probably the death or traumatic near death of one of their members. Last time it was Swamp Thing. Luckily Poison Ivy took him back to her lab to Florence Vaginagale him back to health. This time, Cliff Steele will probably be destroyed because he's always destroyed. Every time. It's kind of his, and Red Tornado's, thing.

Cliff's so used to it that he's actively trying to be destroyed.

Stargirl is kidnapped by the Red Baron as she tries to survey the battlefield from the air. Serves her right! Maybe she'll remember this the next time Justice League United needs somebody to work for them and she'll think about passing them a note instead.

Steel flies off with Robotman on his back to try to help Stargirl. That leaves Batgirl to fend for herself once Vandal Savage slips off on his date with Sgt. Rock.

I guess Batgirl will join forces with the Creature Commandos next issue. Stupid lying cover.

Justice League United #13 Rating: +3 Ranking. Justice League United should be rebranded as Strange Adventures or Mystery in Space because it feels more like one of those series than a Justice League book. But since it has "Justice League" in the title, I should probably compare it to the other Justice League books: it's much better! But it doesn't have Batman in it so all of the worst DC Comics fans probably aren't reading it. Plus it had that initial story about the Legion of Super-heroes coming back in time to make sure their timeline continued to exist which is always the worst kind of time travel story. The past already happened correctly, douches! Stop going back into the past of alternate timelines and ruining their futures! So that nonsense has probably kept a lot of people from returning to this title since it mysteriously reappeared on the shelves a full month after the two months full of Convergence crap. Did anybody even remember it hadn't been cancelled?! I hope it never gets cancelled!

Justice League United #12

This is an odd cover.

The actual cover (underneath the weirdly textured blank cover that I guess I'm supposed to doodle on) is Poison Ivy piddling into Swamp Thing's skull. Her piddle is probably full of nutrients and/or mind-altering substances which will help Swamp Thing overpower the bad guy. Or Swamp Thing is just into people peeing on him. It's not weird if you're a plant. Or you're in the shower. Or you have those special sheets on your bed which your stupid friends never stopped making fun of you for having because you forgot to hide them in the closet that one time they came over after school to watch Robotech with you.

The issue begins with Justice League United and its guests running for their lives as the Red Goo Island they're on in the middle of Lake Erie begins to try to eat them. The comic book begins with these words: "A super-gross living island in the middle of Lake Erie." Which is what I just said so I probably should rework this entire paragraph. Or just start over.

Do young people today even know that "gross" means anything other than a person they hate for righteous reasons which allow the young person to be a complete asshole to, and possibly ruin the life of (if they're able) the "gross" person? I think it's "super-gross" that Jeff Parker would describe the island as "super-gross" just because it looks like a vagina.

What's so gross about it? It even still has all of its teeth!

Now I want business cards that proclaim I'm a Vaginal Dentist.

Poison Ivy, a scientist, theorizes that the island can feel the heroes running about it, as if they were mites, and so the island is generating antibodies to destroy the mites. Great theory, Jenny McCarthy! I mean, unless that's really something bodies do! It's not like you learn about mites and antibodies in Vaginal Dental School. I probably shouldn't have called Poison Ivy "Jenny McCarthy" when I can't be sure of all of the facts. Maybe I'm the Jenny McCarthy in this situation!

I feel really uncomfortable picking up and reading this comic book with its beautifully blank white canvas cover. I'm sure I'm smearing chocolate and pizza grease and testicle particulates all over it.

Etrigan uses his Hellfire to blast the "antibodies" because what else is he going to use? Logic and reason?! They're just "antibodies"! And he's just a "demon"! Although I'm not sure it's actually Etrigan because he isn't attempting to rhyme. Maybe Jeff Parker misplaced his rhyming dictionary while writing the script for this issue.

Poison Ivy soon refers to the "antibodies" as "germs" so I'm just going to go back to calling her Jenny McCarthy, if that's okay with the rest of you.

No! Your flame "burns" them! Has anybody checked on Jeff Parker lately? Has he been complaining of numbness down one side of his body in a garbled voice because half of his face isn't working? Is one pupil dilated? Can somebody give him a call?

Mera destroys the antibodies or germs or protozoa or whatever because they're 99% water. That's all the explanation anybody needs for the end of that battle unless, for some perverse reason, you don't know anything about Mera. For those people, here's a quick introduction to Mera: she's a bad-ass motherfucker (in the metaphorical sense and not the literal sense because her ass is the opposite of bad and she doesn't fuck mothers); she has red hair; she has a great ass (which can't be mentioned enough); she can control water; she sees something special in Aquaman even though 99% of the world doesn't (maybe it's his water).

Once Mera encases everybody in a super protective thin membrane of water, she and the others take a moment to grill Equinox on Justice League United's terrible plan which very nearly got them all killed by vaccines. Or whatever. Don't they realize Swamp Thing being sucked into the heart of the goo is obviously part of the plan to destroy the goo? And Poison Ivy's uselessness will turn into usefulness once she needs to pee? I guess it's harder to guess the plan when you're a character who's not allowed to see the cover of their own comic book. I'm not talking about the cover with the beer on it.

While Equinox's team learns the ins and outs of the plan (mostly outs and mostly urine), Alanna and Stargirl are busy recruiting to defeat the next Breaker threatening to destroy the whole of creation. One of the new recruits is Steel which is like yawn and snore and almost wake up but no I was just rolling over to get more comfortable. But Stargirl is recruiting Cliff Steele, Robotman, who is currently working with the Doom Patrol which totally needs its own comic book! Cliff must be the person in the next team who will be torn apart and presumed dead which will lead the others to turn on the Justice League United representative (probably Animal Man) and say, "What the fuck kind of dog and boney show is this?!" Then Animal Man will say, "No, no. It's dog and pony." And Cliff will be all, "Who the fuck goes to see a show with dogs and ponies? At least I get the connection to dogs and bones!"

Etrigan is shitting all over his ex right now. And I'm with him! How many times have I said Madame Xanadu is the biggest barn owl in the DC Youniverse?! Too many to count, that's how many!

While Etrigan was agreeing with everything I've ever said about using prophecy as the plot for comic books and which I also mentioned last commentary as the only potential bad thing about Parker's new take on Justice League United, Poison Ivy "watered" the island.

Etrigan gives everybody a quick Latin lesson that is only barely quick enough to let everybody know the island is about to fly. Which it does immediately after Etrigan says the word "fly." Also, everybody else understood that was what was happening when Swamp Thing mentioned it was gathering methane like five minutes ago. But thanks for the fun lesson, Etrigan! I enjoyed it!

Now that the island is full of methane, the plan is for Etrigan to prove he's just a one-trick boney and spit hellfire into it. Mera will encase the team in another protective layer of water because if there's one thing that protects against violent explosions, it's a bubble.

I mean, it might really be a bubble! I'm Jenny McCarthy, remember? I majored in literature and most of that literature wasn't science text books. So I don't know for sure what causes an explosion but I can tell you about that time in Bleak House when the fat guy with the birds spontaneously combusted.

Actually, that's as much as I can tell you because I'm not good at remembering details. Although I think maybe the document that solved the court case of Person's Name versus Same Person's Name was being used to line the bird cage or something.

Crap. That describes me exactly! Tumblr was right! I am gross!

As Equinox and Etrigan prepare to Mythbuster the shit out of this island, Poison Ivy regains her senses after channeling Swamp Thing. Mera points out she was mumbling something about Batman's cock while she was out of it. That's probably the number one thing muttered about in the DC Youniverse when characters are semi-conscious.

Etrigan does a little bit of rhyming at the end because either he likes to make a huge statement or Jeff Parker found his rhyming dictionary. It probably got mixed into his goat porn.

The only problem with Adam Strange's mission plans is that they will always have a cost. This time it's Swamp Thing.

Next time it will be poor Cliff Steele. It's always Cliff Steele! He'll probably wind up being nothing more than memories on an MP3 by the time the next story is over.

Now that Mera knows what kind of price must be paid for engaging in a Justice League Untitled mission, she'll probably volunteer Aquaman for the next job.

Now that one Breaker has been defeated, it's time for the members of the next mission! We already have Steel and Cliff Steele, so who's next? Who else has "Steel" in their name? Commander Steel! Also Batgirl. In the scene with Batgirl, she calls Blockbuster a hipster and points out how he was "smashing this cafe before it was cool." So obviously, Batgirl is the real hipster! Nothing defines a hipster better than pointing out all of the other hipsters! Except when I'm pointing them out! "I'm definitely no hipster," I say while twirling my meticulously waxed mustache and feeling really uncomfortable in my new pants that I can't pull up past my ass crack although my Mr. Bubble t-shirt is super comfy! Now where did I put my fake glasses? Oh yeah! I left them in my swank messenger bag.

Justice League United #12 Rating: +3 Ranking. Jeff Parker has swooped in like a vampire descending upon a virgin and saved this book! I am not the virgin in that analogy and also that analogy is not very good because I don't think vampires are technically into saving virgins. I think they spend virgins as soon as they find them until they're completely in virgin debt up to their guy balls. I have nothing against Jeff Lemire except his initial run on Justice League Unfathomable which I saw as an affront to comic books and a personal assault on my way of life (which is a life where I don't have to read time travel stories about a person coming from the future to change the past to ensure that the future from which the person came from continues to exist in the future). I'm not angry at Jeff Lemire for that huge mistake, so I'll stop griping about how much it irked me. Instead, let me point out how Jeff Parker has come up with a concept that I adore! The Justice League Unconscionable are actually keeping the world safe and they've found a way to pull in a bunch of guest stars every few issues! I'm slowly falling in love with this comic book and I hope that one day it will let me put my penis inside of it.

Justice League United #11

This comic book cover is trying way too hard.

The last issue of Justice League United came out in March so I don't remember what was going on. Hell, I don't even remember who was on the team aside from the people on the cover (at least the ones I recognize!). I do remember that Justice League United were engaged in a time travel battle for a future that--let's face it--doesn't actually matter. People from the future really need to stop going back in time to fix the future. As human beings, we discover strange and wonderful things constantly as we get better and better at understanding the universe we live in. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that time travel will never work in such a way that somebody can go back in time and change the future timeline from which they came. If time travel is ever possible, all "time travelers" will accomplish is erasing themselves from the current timeline. The other scientists would shrug their shoulders and perceive the experiment as a failure and go on trying to figure out where they went wrong while the time traveler is currently in the past (some past but not the one he came from! Not anymore, at least, since his arrival changes everything) strangling baby Hitler.

I saw that Travel Foreman was the artist since his name was right there on the cover. But by the time I got around to opening up the comic book, I forgot that he was the artist. And then I opened the comic book and his art punched me in the equilibrium. It's like being on a boat while looking into a Funhouse mirror. After saying that, I also have to say how it's also quite beautiful because Travel Foreman lovers will read my experiential account of seeing his art as shitting all over it when it wasn't at all so eat dick. One thing I've learned from writing on the internet for eighteen years is that only people who completely misunderstand everything they read use the internet.

Although I think Jeromy Cox forgot to color in one of the costumes unless Maxine the Disembodied Head joined the Justice League.

Doesn't Miiyahbin look great in this shot? Just beautiful. And the disembodied head might actually be wearing an all black suit but I just can't tell from this page. I typed that because anybody who has read this comic book and already knows what the fuck is going on with her is probably already writing a comment which reads "You're an idiot" and that "You should keep your comments to yourself until you've read the whole comic book" and "Do you know that Jeromy Cox is trying his hardest! Love his mother"?

The new concept for Justice League United is that Adam Strange hangs out in the Zeta Beam looking for anomalies called "Breakers" that can destroy the universe if the Breakers themselves are not destroyed. To destroy each Breaker, Adam Strange must assemble the perfect group of heroes, different for each Breaker. In this issue, he and Justice League United will have to convince Swamp Thing, Etrigan, and Mera to join the battle with Equinox and Maxine the Animal Girl. Unless that's not Maxine. Once again, I'm spouting off ignorantly before gathering all of the facts! Kind of like how every single other comic book fan other than me does when they sit back and judge every story by the solicits alone.

Animal Man picks up Mera by pointing out that a lot of people mistake him for Aquaman so if she'd like to make that mistake too, he's free for the evening. Although right now that would mean she'd simply kill him. But Mera agrees to help Justice League United if they help her find Aquaman later.

Stargirl is in charge of gathering Swamp Thing.

Travel Foreman's characters actually look age appropriate. Doesn't he know he's drawing comic books?!

Poison Ivy is the red head in the black costume and it makes sense now! Those vines are part of her costume and not just an outgrowth of Swamp Thing! It was like one of those visual illusions where you think you're looking at two nuns discussing Christ but then you blink and realize it's actually a five-guy circle jerk.

Alanna Strange picks up Ivy at a club in a way different than the way that every fanboy just read the beginning of that sentence. Batgirl is after Ivy but Alanna pops in, promises to get Ivy clear if she helps the Justice League, and then pops out.

Equinox rescues Jason Blood from a bunch of mummies and he agrees to help her. He also strokes her ego a bit by already knowing who she is. That's pretty good, Blood! I could barely remember how to spell her name! Although it is Miiyahbin which isn't exactly the most common name outside of Canada. I bet in Canada, Miiyahbin is the equivalent of Brittany.

Justice League United lost Supergirl, Martian Manhunter, and Green Arrow. That's too bad because Green Arrow and Animal Man were becoming the next Abbot and Costello. I guess Supergirl had to leave because she needs to plan for a comic book that won't confuse people coming from the television series this Fall. And Manhunter has his own book to deal with. So now the team is Equinox, Animal Man, Stargirl, Adam Strange, and Alanna Strange. That's not much of a team. Although Adam Strange is now some kind of Doctor Manhattan living up in the Zeta Beam manipulating the universe. And Equinox is possibly as powerful an elemental as Swamp Thing although she lacks experience.

The entire team winds up in Lake Erie battling big red blobs of protoplasmic goo that come from a huge island of protoplasmic red goo which doesn't belong in our space and time. The team walk around on it until it swallows the Swamp Thing and everybody shits their pants.

Justice League United #11 Rating: +2 Ranking. The good: Jeff Parker is trying to give this team a reason for its existence aside from a bunch of heroes accidentally bumping into each other in Moose Creek and saying, "Yo! Let's team up! Holla!" The bad: I don't know what the bad is. Is there any bad? This thing is much better than Lemire's time travel story whose only purpose was to make Brainiac think, "I hope I didn't lose my relationship with Supergirl that I already had because I changed the past!" Oh wait! I know what could potentially be the bad depending on how Parker uses it! Adam Strange in his new role as the guy who moves the plot along by mystically knowing things that the characters have no other way of knowing which would keep them from ever doing anything (unless, I guess, they turned their television to Channel 52 News which is constantly telling characters exactly what they need to know at just the right time). This is a perfect place for new readers to hop on or for old readers that dropped the book to maybe give it another chance.

Convergence: Shazam #2

Batman wins.

The art in this issue was very much the art of this issue. The writing was as writingesque as it could be. The colors...oh! The colors! So colorful! And if you like characterization, did this comic book have characters! You couldn't find a better value for your $3.99 than this comic book. Even if an escort offered you a hypo full of heroin, oral sex, and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles while promising you'd never have to work another day in your life, your $3.99 would be better spent on Convergence: Shazam #2!

I should probably read the comic book now. I'm pretty sure I nailed the review though. For those of you who came here to read a comic book review, you should leave now because I won't be doing any more reviewing in the following paragraphs. I probably will barely even write about the comic book. But I might call Jeff Parker's mother a whore. You never know! Let's see where the journey takes us, shall we?

While blimps attack Fawcett City, Captain Marvel heads over to Gaslight Gotham. That's kind of him! Now Batman won't have to travel to beat Cap's ass. Don't worry about those blimps I mentioned destroying the city! Mary Marvel and Freddy Marvel and the Bulletpeople have stayed behind to destroy them.

Gaslight Batman has better gadgets than regular old Batman.

Batman leads Captain Marvel into a trap where Cap is electrocuted. But electricity is like water off a convict's back to Captain Marvel! He survives which impresses Batman who isn't easily impressed. Just ask Alfred and Robin and especially Catwoman who sometimes does that thing with the handle of her whip which Batman hardly even reacts to even though his urethra really isn't any bigger than most peoples.

Batman and Captain Marvel decide to team up because they're smarter than most of the other heroes who only decided to team up after punching each other for three-quarters of the comic book. Batman and Billy head into the sewers for reasons that I don't want to go into because they'll bore you. But once they're in the sewers, they encounter Killer Croc the Urchin which is super exciting! Have your nipples been stiffened?

Captain Marvel discovers that his nemesis, Giant Vibrator Man, has aligned himself with Gaslight Gotham and all of its miscreants like Joker the Ripper and Clay-Thug and Penguin Sideburns and Debtor's-Prison-Face and Mr. Steampunk Freeze and The Scare-Dandy and Harley Sweep and Mistress Ivy and Ye Olde Man-Bat and The Riddler. Even with this many opponents, I don't think Captain Marvel needs to worry. Batman decides to beat up Penguin Sideburns because Batman is lazy and weak. Captain Marvel can probably handle the rest.

Except Captain Marvel just leaves them all to Batman while he rips into Mr. Atom to find the real enemy of everybody.

Poor Mr. Mind. Always the Caterpillar, never the bridesmaid.

And that's it! There's an earthquake and everybody wins. Or loses. Whatever.

Convergence: Shazam #2 Rating: Seven Georgia Sivanas out of Ten because when she transforms into a lightning child, my pants become a semen waterfall. I wish I was through with the Convergence books! They're all about seven-eighths the same story! Just five left!

Divergence: Constantine the Hellblazer
"Rogue mage, notorious philanderer and superhero-hater John Constantine has been in trouble before, but never so deep as when he's forced to investigate his own infernal history."

How can John be forced to investigate his own history? Why doesn't he just say, "Okay! Looked into it and nothing strange! Everything's on the up and up! Cor blimey, me biscuits are moist!"

The Sneak Peek shows a John Constantine doing the dirty work that nobody else will do. And not because he's trying to save the world or be some kind of mystic hero. He's just letting people's pasts catch up to them before they cause any more trouble. Which might be part of the reason he's going to get into trouble himself. Seems his past is about to catch up to him too. I'll be glad for a John Constantine that isn't in love. Jesus, New 52 Constantine was annoying.

Convergence: Hawkman #2

I need a lot more practice drawing with my new touchpad.

Last issue ended without revealing who Hakwman's enemy was going to be in the big battle that doesn't matter anymore because it's been over for a week and I'm the only one still reading it. Heck, the entirety of Convergence was over sometime in the fall of last year when it was announced, fans discussed what they thought it all meant, then moved on and never actually cared about what it actually ended up meaning because most fans just love the sounds of their own voices.

Shut up. I'm no fan! I'm a critic! No! I'm le critic! It's fancier!

Hawkman and Hawkwoman have been battling Thanagarian rebels but now they've stopped fighting because Telos told them they were needed in a different fight. Hawkman is all, "Oh yeah! I'm gonna smash some guy in the face with my mace!" And Hawkwoman is all, "I'm a woman! Don't call me girl!" And the Thanagarian Rebels are all, "Why bother? The Bacon Maker has claimed the end of the world is nigh and when was the last time the Bacon Maker was wrong?" And my friend Doom Bunny was all, "I like my bacon limp! With a side of snickering at the word limp!"

The Hawks head out to find their opponents and run into a swarm of Man-Bats! I think they're Kamandi Man-Bats though and not the usual "drink a sketchy formula" Man-Bats. That still doesn't forgive them for being Man-Bats.

The Men-Bat realize they can't win so they decide to lead them over the Valley of the Rats because the Rats have all the good shit like stationary running wheels, and little plastic logs to hide in, and great big water bottles, and a chewed up bit of something or other that they all love to gnaw on.

Fucking rats! Nobody is surprised that rats and bats are working together! They're basically the same thing! Also, nobody is surprised that the fucking rats turned on the bats and blasted them along with Hawkman. Fucking rats.

The Hawks are going to win this battle easy because in a game of Hawk, Rats, Bats, and Lizard, Hawks beat everything. Their all the natural prey of hawks! And it doesn't matter if the Rats and Bats are walking, talking humanoid creatures because the Hawks are too! This comic book should be over in a few pages now. The last few pages will be Katar and Shayera vomiting up tiny bones.

Why did they take off his shirt but not hers? These rats are gay.

See? These rats want to upgrade to bats! They know they're just one solo flight away from being a hoity-toity bat! I don't think bats are hoity-toity but my friend Doom Bunny does. I think it's because of their turned up little noses.

Hawkman learns that the missile he and his lady are strapped to is filled with poison and about to be launched into Gotham City. Hawkwoman just stays out of the conversation because she still has her shirt on. That means she's calm! And not interesting to me!

"So humans! The tables are turned! Who poisons whom now?! Bwa ha ha ha!"

Hawkman notices that Shayera kept her shirt on and he's all, "Look at how calm you are in the face of me wanting a hand job just before we die!" And she's all, "Thank you!" And he's all, "Just touch my Nth metal! Come on! Just a little bit. Or just look at it even. Look longingly at it! Lick your lips. Oh mama!"

See?! They should have removed her shirt! And her pants and her underwear just in case! Stupid fucking rats!

The missile launches after the Hawks dive off of it but somebody blasts it with a laser and it turns around and lands on most of the rats. Stupid fucking rats. Stick to running mazes for bits of cheese! Who ever heard of a rat into aerospace engineering?! What does it think it is? A bat?!

As the Hawks begin to fly away, the Man-Bats return! The Man-Bat that thinks he's Cable declares how awesome it is that "rodents of the air and land finally unite." I know, right?! Just think how easy those mazes would be with air support?

If people had wings, would we experiment on bats instead of rats?

The people who destroyed the missile were...the Thanagarian Rebels! What?! That's not anything like Han Solo returning to save the day! Mostly because there were no rats and bats in Star Wars. Okay there was that Mouse Droid. And Salacious Crumb. And the Mynoks. Those are all kind of ratty and batty!

After the rats are defeated, the leader of the Thanagarian Rebels gives Hawkman the Bacon Maker. He and Shayera use it to get a glimpse of the future and witness Crisis on Infinite Earths. They're all, "Whoa! Good thing we missed that! Let's go fuck!" The end!

Convergence: Hawkman #2 Rating: I like how it ended with them fucking. Maybe they didn't fuck in your copy but the very last panel was a white panel and I just happened to have a marker, so my comic book ends with them fucking. I'd scan it for everybody to see but what would the little kids think? They'd be all, "Why does that man have an eel attached to his groin and why is it spraying mayonnaise all over that mound of strange flesh between Hawkwoman's legs?! And why do I feel so awesome down in my belly area!?" We can't have that! This comic book rates Five Traumatized Children out of Ten.

Divergence: Grayson
"Everything changes as Helena takes over SPYRAL! Plus: Grayson gets a new partner!"

I hope "everything" doesn't change because this was the best book of The New 52 before Convergence and we all want that to remain the same!

I wonder if Helena can now command Grayson to get naked? Can she authorize herself to give strip searches? With happy endings?

The story begins with Helena jumping out of some kind of super duper flying machine while Grayons and Agent One bicker on the radio in her ear. Then the action changes to Dick aboard an airplane talking to some kid in a Batman shirt. Dick is all, "Ugh. You like Batman?" And the kid is all, "Yeah! He's cool!" And Dick is all, "Have you ever heard of Nightwing? I hear he's more cooler!" And the kid is all, "That guy? He's dead!" Then some shady motherfucker throws Dick against the emergency exit door which Dick "accidentally" opens and the kid is sucked out of the plane. Dick follows because even though the kid likes Batman, he still doesn't deserve to die.

And Dick, you know, doesn't have a parachute or anything. What the fuck, Grayson?! Why you always gotta show everybody up with how brave and kind and nice and awesome you are? You're the worst. But in like the best possible way.

Luckily Helena arrives to give him a parachute just in the nick of time.

See? I knew I put the quotes around "accidentally" for a good reason.

How come Tom King's eight page stories are better than so many other people's full length stories? I'd pay $2.99 just for these! Well, maybe I'm being hyperbolic but I think you get the point. So good!