Convergence: Green Arrow #2

I miss Green Arrow's wacky beard. And his personality. And his being well written.

I feel bad way down in my nostalgia organ that I'm not enjoying Christy Marx's Green Arrow story. I really wanted to like it so that I could be an excellent critic and write, "Convergence: Green Arrow is truly, truly, truly outrageous!" Then everybody would golf clap and say, "My, my. How droll. Mmm, these cucumber sandwiches are delicious." But instead I'm bored by the story because it feels more like a GI Joe or He-man story than a Jem and the Holograms story. That's because it's teaching me a story about racism instead of a story about not talking behind my best friend's back.

That might have been a sexist statement but it wasn't sexist because I typed it! It was sexist because the 1980s were sexist!

The issue begins with Kingdom Come: Team Powerless monitoring the Bat-monitors.

Where's Ted Kord? I'm going to assume the bald guy with the whackadoodle facial hair is Kingdom Come Oliver Queen.

I really don't remember Kingdom Come that well. I should probably reread it.

This issue is called "Mother and Daughter" because it stars Black Canary and her daughter Olivia, Younger Black Canary. They're pulled into battle to fight against "Father and Son" team, Green Arrow and Connor Hawke. I hope Connor and Olivia don't have sex because that would be alternate timeline half-incest! It's not quite as bad as regular incest but thinking about it still makes me want to crawl inside my own butthole. That means it gives me the heebie-jeebies and not a hard-on.

Stop joking around and start punching each other! You heard the rules! Sheesh!

Christy Marx nails the interaction of two groups of heroes that have been thrown together to fight with each other. Probably because they're all so closely tied together through doing it and family but it still feels right. The weird thing about heroes being pitted against each other is how often it doesn't break out into conversation. Sure there's usually a misunderstanding so the conflict seems to make some sense. But ultimately the heroes fight because they aren't acting like heroes. They give in to fear and react instead of being courageous and patient and waiting to see how the situation plays out. Christy Marx throws people from different realities together but since they're so familiar with the faces of the others, they naturally react as friends (and family!). It's probably my favorite first encounter between Convergence opponents so far. It's also possible I forgot one that I really liked before this.

Dinah suggests they all work together to figure out what's going on. They all agree. Connor Hawke points out immediately that Olivia is practically his sister, just to kill the awkward sexual tension that all the readers were feeling.

The Arrow/Canary Gang find themselves in an abandoned version of Metropolis. They decide to head to the top of the highest building to get a look around.

I guess their real opponent hasn't shown up yet! And since I forgot what the fight card looked like, I don't remember who it might be. Ultron?

It's possible that Telos has lifted the city so that the combatants can't escape from the fight. It's hard to say since every writer seems to have been allowed to make up their own rules for the battle. The only thing they're supposed to add to the story is an earthquake. How is Christy going to put in her earthquake if the city is floating above the ground?

Dinah and Ollie finally realize that maybe they're supposed to battle each other and they're not waiting for somebody else. Am I going to have to take back my compliments to Christ Marx now? Is Ollie going to spin around and put an arrow in Dinah's neck now?!

Telos makes an appearance in this issue to let the Arrow/Canary Gang know that both of their cities will die if they don't fight. Which probably means Ollie and Dinah, knowing each other as well as they do even if they're from different timelines, are going to start fighting to protect their own cities. Of course they'll only be doing it for show but they won't be able to tell Connor and Olivia what's going on without alerting Telos to their deception. So Connor and Olivia will be all, "No! No! My sister! My brother! Mom! Dad! I'm rending my garments!"

The duos split up for awhile so that Connor and Oliver can bond as father and son. It's love at first sight! And now that they've spent two pages becoming best friends, they're ready to take on the other half of the family. Although they suck at it and lose almost immediately. At least they found each other!

Sorry they didn't get to have sweet, sweet interdimensional incest.

Green Arrow and Connor Hawke wake up back in their own Metropolis as losers. They don't seem to put out by failing to save their city. Instead they decide to enjoy whatever time they have left with each other. I'm sure the other citizens of Metropolis aren't so upbeat about their imminent extinction! Except, of course, the earthquake hits and Telos cancels the game and Deimos takes over as the enemy.

Convergence: Green Arrow #2 Rating: The meeting of the heroes on the battlefield was handled better than most. And even when they realized they had to battle and gave in to save their respective cities, they fought only to convince Telos they won. They respected each other but still did what they were obligated to do for the existence of their timelines. That's about all I can ask any of the heroes in this thing. Just realize that people from other timelines aren't actually real. Either they aren't or you aren't, so make a choice! Choose life!

Divergence: Green Lantern Corps: Lost Army
"John Stewart, Two-Six, Kilowog and Arisia are among a group of GL's missing in action! It will be a hard road to survival for The Lost Army!"

I think I can review this Sneak Peek without actually reading it because it was written by Cullen Bunn. Here it goes:

It's boring.

Since the writing will probably be mediocre, I'm at least hoping that Jesus Saiz does justice to 2-6-8-1-7-9-5!

As the introduction pointed out, a small group of Green Lanterns have become lost in space! I don't know where they are or how they got there and I bet Cullen Bunn doesn't either since he's always getting his sectors wrong. I bet the last thing Kilowog remembers is being beat up by Hal Jordan.

2-6-8-1-7-9-5 is not a robot. She should cuss in equations not binary. Besides, her binary is nonsense. But she looks cute!

Great! Their first encounter is with aliens who are, once again, immune to the power of the Green Lantern Rings. Typical!

The team also discovers that the enemies they are facing exist only to erase foreign matter from the universe. Typical!

And then they run into the greatest Green Lantern fremesis ever: Krona! Typcial!

I wonder if it's too late to take this off of my pull list?

Convergence: Green Arrow #1

Most idiotic melee ever! At close range, I don't think bows, uzis, or grenades are your best choice of weapon.

Green Arrow must have come to Metropolis to save his city. I'm so sick of hearing him talk about saving his city on Arrow. Ollie is such an arrogant asshole! Who put you in charge, sir? What makes you think people want to live in your saved version of Starling City? Just continue to fight crime where you can and stop projecting this huge, idealistic goal onto every move you make. Although I bet I'd feel better about myself if I pretended that every act I engaged in was saving the world! I'm beginning to feel heroic already! Every word I type is another dagger in evil's spleen! Take that, politicians! And this, cops! And this and that, journalists! And more of the same to you, dog owners that think leashes are a suggestion! I shall mock and mock until the entire world falls to their knees and cries, "Save us!" And I will look down at you all from my lofty office chair and whisper, "*fap fap fap* No. *fap fap fap*"

I'm going to be so confused by this issue of Green Arrow if Christy Marx writes Ollie as an interesting and likeable character. I suppose the bar for writing a decent Green Arrow story has been set pretty low by every New 52 iteration of the character. And I'm including Lemire's version only because while it outshone every other writer's attempt at New 52 Green Arrow, it simply felt like its own thing, perhaps an Elseworlds story that slipped into main continuity which was promptly ignored after Kreisberg came on board.

Are we taking bets on whether or not a Boxing Glove Arrow is going to appear? I think Post-Crisis, Pre-Zero Hour, goatee wearing Ollie North might be too dignified for a silly old Boxing Glove Arrow. But somebody might joke about one!

The issue begins with Green Arrow keeping Edgar Allan Poe from killing himself.

He really should be flipping off the dome. I think giving the finger should be allowed in Teen Rated comic books. Who does DC think flips the bird the most?!

Green Arrow now spends his time stopping minor street crime. He should be hanging out in jail with his buddy Hal Jordan reminiscing about cross country trips where they made profound realizations about the country's problems which couldn't be fixed by a light construct or a properly placed Boxing Glove Arrow. Instead he's making sure long dead horror authors don't kill themselves with drink. Again.

Later, some white guys try to drive a Mexican family out of their block with crowbars and racisms. You can tell they're racist because they're white and love America. One even wears an American flag bandanna on his big fat bald head to show just how racist he is. The only way you'd know he was a bigger racist is if he were wearing a non-ironic trucker's cap. Oh! Like his buddy! You know their friend is racist because he's white and missing some teeth. Only no-good liberal socialist trash go to the dentist.

Um, Boy...can I call you Boy? Is that your superhero name?...you should work on your retorts.

The racists are wasting their time. Don't they know they're in a DC Comic book? If they just wait an issue or two, the Mexican family will end up Whitewashed. Although maybe knowing they're in a DC Comic book is what they're afraid of. What if the Dome drops and DC decides to reboot them as half-black or gay?!

Well for one, they'd probably wind up with a better wardrobe.

The bald guy is Connor Hawke. Most people reading this book probably knew that. I didn't know that. Perhaps if I had ever been interested in a comic book about a rich guy that wears a mask and uses primitive weapons to subdue criminals, I'd be reading Batman and then I'd have an excuse for not recognizing Connor Hawke. Instead, I just never cared about Green Arrow. Oh! That's my excuse. This whole paragraph was poorly put together. Why don't we surround it with caution tape and just walk away without looking back?

Meanwhile in the basement of the local church...

"While we're at it, somebody check out the purity levels of this guy in the red shirt. I think we've got a passer!"

These white guys might be on to something! They're fighting for a pure America and their American flag might be the first one since The New 52 began that actually got the flag exactly right! I mean, I didn't count the stars but at least the number and color of the stripes are correct.

The racists storm Connor Hawke's Race-Free Sanctuary where nobody sees color or hears cultural accents or smells strange spices sticking to people's clothes. Everybody is the same here! He fires his Green Arrow flares up into the air to create a huge green arrow pointing at his apartment building. Green Arrow sees it and thinks, "Hmm. A literal green arrow! I'm 75% certain that it's meant for me!" He then rushes to help his son save the day. I'm pretty sure Connor is his son because this issue was called "Father and Son." Perhaps I'm being too aggressive in my assumptions?

Fucking white people. And that asshole passing for white.

Green Arrow drives away the Boys of Purity and while they're running away (again), they threaten the person kicking their ass (again). They better come back with better weapons than boards with nails in them and meat cleavers. I bet they're going home to get their grenades and uzis!

With the vile, despicable, gross, problematic human beings gone (see how much I hate them? I have to make sure everybody knows how much I hate them so they don't think I like them by omission of calling them gross), Connor Hawke is able to tell Green Arrow that he's his son. Green Arrow is all, "No way! I can't be your father!" And Connor Hawke is all, "Is it because I have eyes and skin?" And Green Arrow is all, "Those are actually good things, dude."

While they discuss the upcoming Father/Son dance, Planet Brainiac drops the first, second, and other shoe. Immediately after the dome falls, Connor and Ollie wind up in a new city. Kind of. It must be Kingdom Come Metropolis because they round a corner and run into an alternate version of Dinah and a female version of Connor Hawke.

Convergence: Green Arrow #1 Rating: This felt like an episode of Jem and the Holograms except with less music. But I think I learned a lesson about racism in the requisite half an hour allotted to the story (minus commercial breaks for sugary breakfast cereal, fruit drinks in pouches, and toys). I learned that racism is ineffective as a defense against arrows; if your abandoned son ever finds you to deny, deny, deny; and if somebody winds up denying you for whatever reason, blame your stupid eyes and lousy skin and maybe your toes as well. Oh! I also learned one more thing: I'm still not a fan of Green Arrow. Keep trying, DC Comics!

Futures End: Birds of Prey #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Memember back in da Formertimes alla dem actiony bang-bang flicks everduster spent big koku on? How dey was filt up mit splosions und gunfires? How dem action star almays seemed ta outsrun hunnered 'pon hunnerd a bullets shootered at him by dozens 'pon dozens of badbads? Und how dis here action protagonist ne'er seemt ta git not one fuckity bullet frough not one fuckity internal organ? Knows it now, we alla us does, how dumb dumb silly alla dat was. Sure, sure, we'd knowed it back den too, all upins our hearts an all. But now we's got proof a how dumb dumb dat shit were ever fucking minute, ja? Youse hear bunchas a gunfire, youse know someduster bleedin' all over hisself. Mayhap, on occasion, da vickim ain't git hit. But sure as shit some poor fucker gonna catch a bullet! Nows, not everduster shot frough gonna die, sees it? But ya know dey gonna fuckin' git shot! Dey ain't runnin' round walls und hoppin' ahind overturned tables and dodgin up y dodgin down and crashin' frough windows und feelin' jess fines enuff ta turn round, fires off one well-aimed shot, und kill fifeen men mit a crazy ricochet. Now ya hear gunfires und ya run straight away mitout lookin' back prayin' ya brain don't suddenly go soft on ya. And splosions? Fucking merde. You realize how hard it is ta make a fucking car go boom mitout explosives? Course, once somefin do splode, it ain't da shrapnel nor da shockwaves gonna do nuffin ta noduster. It dat fire gonna git outta control acause who fuckin' gonna be a hero an tryin' ta put it out, feels me?

Nuvver fing dat we thunked 'bout in da Formertimes was how da world gonna ends, ja? Nukular war. Pandanomics. Zombies. Bioterrorshow. Not a nightscare we couldna dream up finkin' bout how dis here world gonna corpse it. Und den what da fuck goes und happens? Big surprise ta alla us, yeah? Dat fing we nows refer ta as da General Breakdown. Simple as all dat. Enuff peeps acided dey damn tired a followin' dem laws put forth by dem egotistical sons bitches runnin' fings und dey said, "Nope." Jess 'nuff peeps had to say "Nope" und it jess fuckin' fell apart. Sum poets once fink how da world gonna end, sees it? Fires? Ices? Ha, little he knowed it, right? World gonna end in "nope."

Course nows wes gotsta lissen ta all dem fuckin' whiny dusters what almays sayin' how da revolverlution gonna suck big fuckin' cocks cause noduster got a plan affer it all come crumblin' down. Well, la-dee-fuckity-dee, dey was rights, ja? Jess look how happy does fuckers are now, sees it? "I knew it would be worse!" as dey push der fuckity accountant glasses up dere piggity fuckin' noses. "Snort snort snort. I was right. Snort snort snort." Fuck dem fuckers. Glad dey git a shiv in da kidney evertime dey speaks up.

Fucks you, ya lying narration boxy!

Dis here bullshit. Time ain't fucking mutable, no ways. Da onny fuckin' time what matters am da present. Forget da past acause it ain't got nuttin' in it fer ya. It be like a bottomless ocean what ya keep fucking droppin' ya shit inta dat ya cain't never gonna git back. And da future ain't no fuckin' infinite branches. Speckalation on da future gots infinite branches, sees it? I cans sits here und fink, "Goddess, I amma gonna git me a BMW tomorrows, ya bets it! No, no! Mayhaps I'm gonna git me two Lotusers, sees it? Pay some lower voices ta crash 'em up head ons whilst Goggs watches und sips somma dat fuckin' midori sours she finded in dis here limo, sees it? No waits! Mayhaps Old Goggs jess gonna find some cute little fucker mit a big fat cock and ride dat fing til she sore. Oh yeah! Dat da future gonna happens!" Sees it? Looks like Goggs got lottalotta choices, ja? But guess whats? Come dis time amorrow, onny one dem fings gonna haff happened. Und it pobably be somefing altogetter diff'rent, evens. Cause da future ain't some future where ever single fing possible be happenin'. Da future jess more fucking ocean what we haven't seens yet but we gonna see it soon and we gonna lose more shit in it. Ever single day, lose more shit, right updown til da day ya jess sink yoself right down ta da fucking bottom where noduster never gonna pay ya anudder fought ever 'gain. Fucking infinite branches, my cunt. Grow da fuck up.

Gute un. Now ya jess invented somefing ya enemies gonna use 'gainst ya, dumb dumb.

Black Canary done put togevver dis here "Red League" (named affer moonstration, positive) for ta bring down some bigbig badbad named Paul Howe III. She spent minutes tryin' find dis one so dis Red League cans "cut off the head of the snake." Da problem mit dat is dat it be a faulty analogy. Big crime orgnazations do not crumble y disintegrate jess acause one man taken down, believes. She wanna break dis crime family, she gonna haff ta take away ever reason dey exist. Burn da money, destructem da drugs, steal da weapons...whateverem. Or she can chop up dat entire snake, fer sure. But jess da head ain't gonna do it. Evil orgnazations more like dat hydra monster what grow back head affer head affer head. Memember da onny way ta deal mit dat fing? Burn da fucker.

Affer Canary und her girls drive dere prey ta suicide, dey runs off ta da nex' city ta clean it, feels it? Dey gonna fix everplace up ones at a times, ja? Horsedick. Ya gotta cleanse 'em all, synchronized, sees? Takes 'em alls out at da same time. Steal dere workers. Burn dere homes. Make dere cities unlivable. Ya gotsta burn it all down und start over somewheres else. Somewhere dat dey ain't eyeballin' fer riches und power and control. Acause ya cain't be a part a dere system or ya jess bolsterin' dem bastards up und givin' em what dey wants. Ya gotsta starts over, sees it? Everting gotsta start agains from scratches. Dey got dere hooks in ya ovverwise. Dey wants ya ta value dere koku und dere culture und dere places ta live. Fuck alla dat. Fuck it right in da eye sockets. Old Goggs gots a better way. But ya gonna haff ta give up lots and lots ta haff a chance at it. Keep lissenin, lower voices cross all da boundaries. Old Goggs knows hunnerts y hunnerts of dust free places, jess like paradise. Ya want 'em? Come und get 'em, sees?

Goddess keeps ya, for nows.

Birds of Prey #34

Now King Shark doesn't look like a hammerhead. Does DC Comics not have one single fucking reference picture for this character?!

Gail Simone mentioned that she thought it was a shame that Birds of Prey was cancelled. She's completely wrong. The comic was horrible for a good portion of its New 52 run. It was a confusing mess that never went anywhere and never made any sense while Swierczynski was writing it. The characters acted like fucking idiots with no memory of any of their own past actions, and that was even when Choke wasn't stealing their memories. Birds of Prey should have been canceled before Christy Marx took over. She spent way too much time trying to remold the clay. And then she found out it wasn't clay she was working with but shit. It's been decent to fun for a few issues now that Marx has finally got the shitship entirely under her control. But it's too late to save it. And, at this point, who fucking cares?

What DC should have done is cancelled it before giving it to Christy and then rebooting it under Christy Marx a few months later in the same way they did for the Teen Titans and the Suicide Squad. I don't think DC has enough writers willing to waste their time washing and cleaning and fixing characters the way Jeff Lemire did for Green Arrow. At this point in The New 52, just jettison shitty books and bring them back with new creative teams a few months later. That way you don't have to hurt Ann Nocenti's feelings every time you remove her from a book so that a better writer can take over. DC can just tell her, "Oh, sorry. The book wasn't doing very good and we had to cancel it." Then bring it back in a few months! Ann Nocenti won't even notice because she's too busy researching topics on Wikipedia and taking notes on the lingo! Now if only she would learn how the lingo is used instead of just dropping it into the comic book helter skeletor!

Before I begin reading this issues, let me just say a little prayer. Please hold hands with any stranger near you and lower your head. But not so much that you can't read the prayer since I won't be reading out loud for you. You're going to have to do that yourself.

"Dearest God who art in wherever thou art, Owl be thine name. Please don't let Ann Nocenti irrevocably fuck up Klarion the Witch Boy. You saw how maltreated Katana was at her hands, did you not? Of course you did! You see everything! I know I never ask you for anything, mostly because I don't believe you exist, but if you do this one thing for me, I promise to never masturbate again. I bet you get that deal all the time, don't you, God? It must be disgusting! Having to imagine the hands clasped in prayer are covered in jizz and vaginal secretions? Gross! Anyway, here is the thing I would like for you to do, and if you can't do it, I hope Christy Marx does: please kill Condor. Make him dead in the way that comic book characters die where they don't ever come back. I don't know how you do that but please do it. Maybe have him explode on an island but show his head wash up on shore and his body being devoured by Killer Krill. Or sharks! Yeah, do the shark thing! Sharks are better. Sorry, sorry! I probably shouldn't tell you how to do your job. Should I be capitalizing your pronouns? Anyway, you do that and I'll be forever grateful and crap! Thanks a ton, God! Your friend, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't have read that prayer since I signed it from myself. Oh well, it can't hurt, right?

Oh! One more thing, God! Please let Amanda and Kurt have a baby named Havana! That will make me look really impressive to my readers. Thanks!

Amanda's big secret is that Kurt only married Dinah to make her happy. Wait. Why is that a secret? Am I missing something? Maybe Amanda took too many blows to the head before revealing her secret. She's probably just confused and will mention Havana in the next scene between Black Canary and herself. Until then, it's time for more battling between the Squad and the Prey.

Boomerang battles Batgirl and I think she wins when she's offended by Digger calling her weapons "boomerangs" and she says, "They're batarangs!" That's showing him, Babs! Strix battles Harley until Deadshot comes along and puts a five or six bullets into her.

I don't think people "dodge" bullets as much as flinch, shit, and scamper in random directions.

The battle is derailed when a bunch of terrorist thugs attack. Since Batgirl needs to keep the hostage safe, she figures she can lose Condor in the upcoming battle and sends him off with Mambety (the hostage!). And then she asks Deadshot to help her defend Mambety from the thugs attacking them with weapons. She even calls him "gun guy" so she knows exactly what she's doing. She's basically hiring Deadshot to kill these people! I suppose it's not too different from hiring a Talon to work on your team.

With his daughter Havana? Dancing on Condor's grave?

I haven't scanned any pictures of King Shark yet but, trust me, he gets bigger in every fucking panel he appears in. Where is that reference pic for King Shark, DC?!

Canary and Waller end the battle and their teams go their separate ways. As they leave, Digger says he could go for a couple of Foster's. I knew he was only pretending to be Australian!

Later, Kurt chooses Amanda over Dinah and Dinah tries to cry on Barbara's shoulder. But Barbara's shoulder has gone cold! She's all, "We were once best friends but not anymore because this book is cancelled and this is as good a reason as any to break up the Birds of Prey! I hate you!" Then she kills Condor and everybody lives happily ever after.

Oh! I forgot about Strix! Mother Eve offers to give Strix a Stephen Hawking voice so that she can communicate with the Batgirl. I bet the first thing she says is, "You have a Bat-Everything and you couldn't even come up with a Bat-Tablet for me to write messages on?!"

Birds of Prey #34 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to rate it as the worst comic book that was ever written because Condor lived no matter how many times I wrote he died and then deleted the sentence because I was hoping he'd die later. Finally, he didn't die so I just left in that he died because I hate him and I wish he'd died. If DC ever comes out with a New 52 Who's Who, I'm skipping the "C" issue. All in all, this run of Birds of Prey has been shitty at its worst and not as shitty at its best.

Birds of Prey #33

A perfectly good pun ruined by Black Canary kicking Amanda instead of punching her.

I seem to remember last issue ended with the Birds of Prey in a sparse African landscape being confronted by the Suicide Squad. Obviously, Canary and Amanda will be moving the action to a city later. Hopefully this fight takes place at Condor's funeral after King Shark bites off his head which was crushed by Harley's hammer and riddled full of Deadshot's bullets. I won't even mention where the boomerang wound up.

His pee pee hole! I couldn't resist mentioning!

I'm one of those people that can't help spilling beans all over the place. If somebody tells me something in confidence that I'm not supposed to mention to anybody else ever, I can do that. No problem. That secret is safe with me! Especially if it's a really boring secret since I have more important things to remember that involve me. But if somebody begins telling me something and then adds, "You can't tell X or Y I told you!" or "Q can't know that you know!" then forget it. All bets are off! I don't keep a fucking spreadsheet in my mind so I can keep track of who can know what information and who can't know what I know. Because if I have some information that is okay to tell any number of people, that information will be used for a really good fucking joke at some point! And that joke might be made in front of the people that aren't supposed to know the information or know that I know it or whatever.

The good thing is that I'm really honest about how unreliable I am with secrets! Most of my friends know that if I know something that shouldn't be known by somebody else, I shouldn't be allowed near the person that shouldn't know! So at least they can kind of keep me in check since I can't be bothered to remember all of that shit. And if somebody begins a statement with conditions on who can know the information, I'm very upfront about saying, "I don't want to know. If you value whatever thing you're afraid to lose if this person finds out, do not fucking tell me!" If they insist on telling me, then I insist on apologizing immediately for when I will invariably let the information slip.

That had nothing to do with Birds of Prey! Why don't I have an editor? Shouldn't an editor be sending this back to me with notes on it saying, "What the fuck was that, stupid?" and "Stay focused on the comic book, dickbreath." Then I'd have to fire them for using the term "dickbreath" because using that as an insult is like saying there is something wrong with people who like to put dicks in their mouths. And everybody with a dick knows that those people are fucking heroes.

I don't use the word "hero" lightly in my every day life! You'll never catch me calling your every day average soldier a hero! Seriously, show me that you saved a brown person's kitten or something and maybe I'll call you a hero. But to earn the title hero for just not knowing what to do with your life so you joined the military? Bah! If that's you and you want to be called hero, I need to see a dick in your mouth.

That was probably really disrespectful to military personnel, wasn't it? I blame the editor I don't have who would have stopped me from printing that last paragraph! Damn you, Matilda!

I just know my editor would be named Matilda. "Matilda the Hero" everybody in the office would call her. No, not because dicks and mouths! Because she would bring fresh baked, frosted brownies to work every day!

This issue is called "Pretty Lies and Ugly Truths." I really like that title because it's an ugly truth in and of itself. I once wrote some thing where I challenged Keats's phrase, "Truth is beauty; beauty, truth. That is all you need to know and knowing is half the battle." I think that's pretty close to the exact saying. Anyway, my response was thusly thus:

Beauty isn't really truth. Nor is truth beauty. Beauty is an illusion. A cover-up. It's misdirection and sentimentality and illuminating and inspiring and awesome. But truth is harsh and ugly and blunt and the bottom line. Art is a lie that both conceals and reveals at the same. And why would someone want to believe the lie? Who wants to live forever in eternal bliss when we have the cold, hard truth of the grave awaiting us? Right, Lyle?

Lyle was some guy that asked me a question back when I co-wrote a website called No Apologies! Press. He asked this question: "Why do some people, who seemingly live in the same world that I do, believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible, or a bunch of other like-type books for that matter?" Surprisingly, I took the side of the people that believe the literal interpretation of The Bible. Probably because Lyle asked his question as if I was automatically going to agree with him. Lyle, you dick! Stop trying to put the answer to the question inside the fucking question! But also thank you for naming my other project, "Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs."

"Tess! Start writing about the fucking comic book or no brownies for you, you shit-that's-having-trouble-sliding-out-of-an-old-lady's-sphincter!" Matilda would probably yell. What a taskmaster!

The fact that King Shark is eleven times bigger than he's been in the past is less disturbing than the pouches all over Deadshot's chest.

I've thought about it for awhile and I've come to a realization: I'm really excited about Ann Nocenti's Klarion the Witch Boy! She fucked up Green Arrow, Katana, and Catwoman so badly that I can't wait to see how much worse she can get turning Klarion's witchy powers into a metaphor for technology out of control! Oh she's going to shit all over that assignment, isn't she?!

What do you think Deadshot keeps in his ammo pouches? My guess is lipstick, lifesavers, a butt plug, and some handi-wipes. If they were bigger, I'd suggest he keeps some chum in one of them to partial out to King Shark like Scooby Snacks.

Oh, the fight has started! I should probably comment on that! So Condor uses his telekinetic powers to send Deadshot's bullets back at Deadshot, destroying Deadshot's wrist guns. It must take an awful lot of practice to think-stop bullets! How does that even work? I guess you don't actually have to see the thing you want to telekinetically control? I don't think anyone can actually answer that question because I don't believe anybody has telekinetic powers, no matter how many people I hear say they do on Coast to Coast AM.

What about those people that go on Coast to Coast AM to tell everybody what heaven is like! I can understand that they've either deluded themselves so deeply that they truly believe that any thought that enters their head is fact, so if they think, "Heaven has shooting ranges," then heaven must have shooting ranges. But what about the people that call in and believe these people?! Now they want to believe so badly that they're willing to listen to anybody that can self-publish a shitty little book that falls into George Noory's hands just when he's desperate to fill a slot on a slow night.

Black Canary battles King Shark and she's got some questions of her own, like "Does King Shark have ears?" and "How heroic would I be if it's a shark's penis?"

How cute! King Shark's belt buckle has a picture of his girlfriend, Dolphin!

Luckily for Boomerang who was going toe to toe with Strix, Amanda Waller intercedes and orders the Squad to stop fighting. She and Black Canary go way back. Really way back! Back to a time when Amanda was fucking Dinah's husband! I don't think they've had a chance to clear the air about that. Some words might need to be exchanged.

Four words in particular!

Is this where Amanda confesses about her and Kurt's love child, Havana?!

After Dinah flies off with Amanda, the Birds of Prey versus Suicide Squad grudge match continues. I think the odds have actually evened out with Black Canary gone. Deadshot sans guns versus Condor sans psychic power and charisma and anything likeable at all. Captain Boomerang sans Captain versus Batgirl sans sans. And Strix taking on King Shark and Harley Quinn. As for Dinah versus Amanda? I think that match up is too close to call. Although if it were Preboot Amanda, I'd put my money on her.

Jesus Christ, Christy Marx! In one page, you made the entire convoluted Team 7 and Black Canary history actually make some kind of sense!

I should probably give some of the praise to the Birds of Prey editors as well but fuck them! Are their names on the cover? Nope! The colorist is now more important than they are! Which, you know, is how it should be. Those editors need to stop thinking they're writing the books! Stop trying to come up with story ideas and just come up with where everybody's going for lunch.

Oh! It looks like he kept pistols in his pouches! That, um, makes, um...what?

The issue ends with the Birds getting the better of the Squad and Amanda telling Dinah, "You want the truth?! Well, you're not going to like it very much at all! It's worse than lies, you know?! It's going to be really bad! Your stomach will feel queasy! But I'll tell it to you! By God, I'll tell you the truth all right! I'm about to tell it to you! Here it goes! I'm saying it now:...." And then, Next Month: Things Fall Apart. Whatever! I wanted to hear about Havana!

Birds of Prey #33 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book has finally turned around! The only thing I still remember from the Swierczynski days is how to spell his name! Christy Marx has finally been able to make this book her own now that Kurt has been found and the Birds are working with Mother Eve. It just has one little fault. It's such a small fault that I don't think I should even bother to mention it. It's just that it's so annoying that I'd feel remiss if I didn't end my review by pointing out how Christy Marx is doing this book a disservice. The one thing she needs to change is the alive status of Condor. Just that! One niggling little detail! Fix that and this book is aces!

Birds of Prey #32

My dream cover.

I don't think I'll ever truly enjoy reading comic books again. The overuse of Narration Boxes has turned it into something with which I'm just not comfortable. They're a crutch to a comic book writer. They make things easier by simply writing everything you want the reader to get out of a scene. There was a time when the pictures spoke for themselves. Sure, their speech was ambiguous and uncertain at times. But I'd rather open Birds of Prey to a scene where Strix is perched on the top of a tall pole over Mother Eve's barge without the Narration Boxes telling me what she might be thinking. And in this case, they're telling me what Mother Eve thinks Strix might be thinking. I'm just not emotionally invested because I'm suddenly dealing with words that I'm logically picking apart immediately. I find myself gazing at the heroes themselves less and less when I have more and more Narration Boxes telling me exactly what the fuck is going on in the character's mind and why it's going on in their mind and the consequences of why it's going on in their mind and why the hero's family history ties in to what's currently going on.

I'm not saying they don't have their place in modern comics. Used sparingly, they can be an effective tool to help a comic book tell a strong tale. And I'm not suggesting the Narration Boxes of the old days were any better! Hell, they were far worse! They usually contained an omnipotent narrator explaining exactly what the picture was showing. At least the modern ones are a few degrees removed from the art and can sometimes throw a different perspective on the visuals. It's just that they've made things too easy for the writer. Comic book writers relying on Narration Boxes are telling a lazy story. Or perhaps they feel like they're not doing much if many of their words written into the script never actually appear in the comic book because they are art direction to set up scenes that should tell the story in pictures rather than Narration Boxes.

Sometimes I just don't want to be privy to every thought of the main character. Look at Grifter! That's his whole schtick is that his Narration Boxes are never ending and we're subject to every stupid fucking thought in his head. And you know why that is? Because his original writer was not a writer at all but just Jim Lee's friend, Brandon Choi. I destroyed Nathan Edmondson and his writing on that title but I really should apologize since I'd never read WildC.A.T.S. #1 before reading The New 52 Grifter. It seems Edmondson was writing him just as shoddily as Brandon Choi wrote him way back when. So I should have been congratulating Edmondson on his accuracy!

Another thing I hate about comic books, which may or may not be new because I can barely remember anything from before The Long Hiatus which began in 2003, is the way they often begin in fake media res. The first page shows the middle of the action and then on page two, you get a "24 hours earlier" tag and the story simply begins from the beginning. If you're going to write your comic book that way, just fucking skip that first page flash forward bullshit. That's not starting the story in the middle. That's just showing your date that you're going to have an erection later in the night. The cover already plays this part so doing it again on the first page is just wasting a page of story.

Sorry for spending time ranting about that stuff here, Christy Marx! I should be paying attention to your comic book. But to make up for all of that bullshit text, I won't wish for Condor to die anymore during this review. This one sentence here where I say I hope he dies will have to suffice. Plus the cover that I drew on to make it my dream cover. But that's it! Now I'll get serious!

Yes, the technology is called a pencil and any fucking writing surface.

I realize Strix has some trouble with spelling so it might be frustrating for her to write the things she wants to say. But anybody that would make fun of her spelling or act impatient as she writes her message will probably quickly be stabbed in the face, so it shouldn't really bother her much at all.

Meanwhile at a physical rehab center in Gotham, a whole lot of sexual tension is going down! Kurt Lance is trying to relearn how to walk. But mostly he's trying to relearn how to love! Dinah and Junkface are with him cheering him on because one of them loves the other one and the other one loves Kurt and Kurt loves both of them and the other one loves the one that loves the other one. I don't know! It's some kind of fucked up love triangle which probably means somebody is going to get hurt. I'm not saying that they can't all have a loving relationship where they all love each other. But I am saying that Condor (previously referred to as "Junkface") will get hurt and jealous and upset every time Black Canary sticks her tongue in Kurt's asshole.

Now I'm wondering if Black Canary ever uses her scream in an erotic way!

How dare Kurt not react to his recovery the way Dinah thinks he should react to it!

Whoops! I guess the extra guy isn't Condor at all but the physical therapist! I got confused because "therapist" is so close to "the rapist."

Speaking of "therapist" and "the rapist," in the early nineties, years before the Saturday Night Live skit where Sean Connery calls the "therapists" category "the rapists," I'd written a really crappy poem entitled "The Rapist" about a therapist that convinces a child through hypnotherapy that she had been used in Satanic rituals. If I knew where it was, I'd reprint the poem here even though I'm sure it was terrible. The idea hit me while I was watching some show on television where there were some magazines on a table shown upside down to the viewer. The title of one was "therapist" (possibly in big block letters) and my first thought was, "Why is there a magazine called The Rapist?"

Kurt does manage to convince Dinah that he doesn't remember her so she needs to back off. She's just pressuring him to be somebody he doesn't remember being and completely stressing him out. So she finally leaves him to rehabilitate on his own.

Speaking of "therapist" in big block letters! And the rapist in a pervo man-bun, top-knot, ponytail thing!

I'd be kind of nervous if that building opened up in my neighborhood!

THERAPIST

At least they didn't put a huge exclamation point on the end of the sign.

Condor has something for Black Canary but he says he left it back in his loft. Oh no! She's not going to fall for that one, is she? Once they get to the loft, he'll probably whip out his dick and say, "Oh wait! I had it right here all along!" Except what he actually has waiting for her back at his loft which is far less exciting than his penis is a set of wings so that Black Canary can fly. She powers them with her voice but can't the same set of wings be made that can be solar powered? Sell a set to Green Arrow for a few billion dollars! He'd pay anything right now if it would keep him from being carried around by Animal Man.

Before Condor and Black Canary can engage in hovering sky cunnilingus, the Birds of Prey are called together on a mission to rescue one of Mother Eve's friends held captive in a foreign nation.

There are worse things Black Canary could do then lead on a boy or two.

I bet once they get to Africa they'll encounter the Suicide Squad! I'm making that prediction because the Suicide Squad appeared on the cover and they haven't appeared inside the cover yet! That's called using your brains!

Once they arrive and begin battling thugs, Strix kills a guy and Batgirl loses her shit. She's a Talon, Babs! Awful shit was done to her and she's not prepared to play dainty super heroine yet, okay? If you want Strix on the team, you're going to have to realize that she was trained to kill from a very early age. Then she was killed. Then she was brought back to life to kill some more. The killing is kind of all she knows. You're asking her to give up her most favorite hobby just to be your friend. That's selfish!

That last paragraph should probably be turned into a song and sold to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to be made into a commercial.

The Birds rescue Mother Eve's friend just in time for The Suicide Squad to show up and declare that Mother Eve's friend is actually their friend and he's going home with them.

Holy shit! King Shark came back out of the toilet humongous!

Birds of Prey #32 Rating: +3 Ranking. How come whenever a book gets cancelled, it starts immediately getting better? I liked this Birds of Prey! I like where this group is beginning and how they have Mother Eve to give them missions and a purpose. I also think this is my favorite moment of the Suicide Squad so far in The New 52! Even they feel like they're being utilized correctly here! And King Shark looks fucking bad-ass as a gigantic monster! Now I can see Yo-Yo living for a month inside that creature's stomach! It's probably bigger than a New York studio apartment in there. Anyway, whatever, DC! Do your cancelled books instantly get better because the editors lose interest in them? Are the writers suddenly allowed to do whatever they want? What's the reason that shitty books get so much better when they've been cancelled? Of course, this book was on a tremendous upswing. It just kept getting better the further it got away from Swierczynski's plots. Maybe y'all should just leave this book for a few months and then let Marx fire it up again in the fall. Teen Titans and Suicide Squad are getting instant second chances. I think this book is just as worth an immediate second chance as those two titles.

Birds of Prey #31

Batgirl is the magician with the birds up her sleeves. Hopefully she makes Condor disappear.

Issue #31 has got to be the issue where we finally learn the reason that the Birds of Prey exists as a group! It's possible Black Canary brought them together to investigate rumors of that guy that never existed and his invisible henchman although I'm not entirely convinced of that. I feel it's more probable that she brought together all of the people who had suspicions that she killed Kurt Lance so that she could keep an eye on them. If she saw any hint that they were going to sell her out to the police or to Amanda Waller or to some secret government agency that everybody fucking already knows about anyway, she could scream in their faces until their eyes melted and their ears blew out. It's also entirely possible that she was just fucking lonely and the only people that would hang out with her were psychotic killers and Batgirl.

People have been lamenting the end of this comic book, so I guess it's been cancelled. Although I don't know why people are sad because this book has been horrible. It's been better since Christy Marx took over but she committed one glaring error: she never killed off Condor. What DC really should have done was cancel this after Swierczynski's run and then given it to Marx to reboot a few months later. This book just needs some direction and the death of one character and it could be really fun.

This issue is called "Death Jump"?! Do I dare hope that describes the actions of a certain purple headed maroon?!

This Singaporean guy has the ability to teleport like a Blink Dog if you're nerdy enough to know what those are. If you aren't nerdy enough, they're dogs that can teleport like this Singaporean guy! But they're not as mean as he is. This guy is a killer and I think Blink Dogs are friendly unless you take their food or hit them with a souvenir baseball bat.

Jesus Christ, how many more problems is Gordon going to have to deal with? He should fucking retire already.

This takes place before Gordon winds up in Blackgate, so at least Gordon doesn't realize he has a lot of shit to deal with yet. Although he might be dealing with Ricky's lawsuit and now he's going to have to try not to die while not losing hundreds of thousands of dollars as well. Maybe getting killed by Axton is the simple way out. Oh! I know! They can disguise Condor as Jim Gordon and let Condor get killed! That'll solve everybody's problems, especially mine!

Over on Mother Eve's Immortality Cruises, Kurt Lance is pretending he doesn't know Black Canary because he fell in love with somebody else when he woke up from his coma. I forgive him for falling in love with Condor at first sight though. Kurt hasn't had a chance to realize how fucking idiotic the bastard really is.

Or maybe Kurt really does have brain damage. I bet he'd remember Amanda Waller though!

The Birds of Prey become involved in the whole Axton trying to kill Gordon affair (that'll be the name of my first spy thriller: That Whole Axton Trying To Kill Gordon Affair) because Batgirl seems attached to Gordon for some reason. I know he's her dad but is that supposed to mean they have some kind of emotional connection or something? If I had to judge all child/father relationships by my own relationship with my father, I'd say that Batgirl thinks of him as some guy that was never around and now wants to be really close friends for some reason. Stop trying so hard, Dad! Just make sure I'm in the will and we'll be square! Especially if you have some teleporting assassin after you.

Who am I kidding? My father's will can probably fit on a cocktail napkin! He could have been a millionaire and retired on his Intel stocks if he hadn't been a raging alcoholic that decided to sell all of his employee stocks as soon as he got them to fuel his next blackout! Now I have to be responsible for my own person instead of living large on a hefty inheritance? Thanks a lot, jerko!

The Birds of Prey make a plan to capture Axton. Hopefully they remember to pick up Strix since she's their heavy hitter. While they're making plans to stop Axton, Axton is foiling their plans and currently kidnapping Gordon.

Don't worry, Babs! This story takes place before Batman Eternal! So he'll be fine! For now.

Luckily for the Birds of Prey, Axton doesn't kill Gordon immediately. That's also lucky for Gordon! Axton wants to hunt him like a virgin in a labyrinth. Perhaps if this is a Minotaur's Labyrinth analogy, Condor gets to be Icarus!

I think I spend too much time hoping for Condor's death. But I had a really shitty day today, so I'm really fucking hoping for something that would make me extremely happy and put me forever in Christy Marx's debt.

By working together (mostly by Strix just getting stabbed eighteen thousand times), the Birds of Prey manage to subdue Axton without anybody getting hurt! Boo! Hiss! Couldn't just one person have gotten hurt? Seriously hurt? Mortally hurt!

Why don't you just let it drop, Gordon! Your son was a dick!

And then the issue ends with Batgirl worrying about her dad for some reason. He's a grown man. He can take care of himself. Unless your boyfriend sues him for every last cent. That might take the wind out of his sails a bit and send him spiraling into a depression from which he'll never recover.

Birds of Prey #31 Rating: No change. I was so hoping Condor would die. If Christy Marx kills Condor, Birds of Prey will rocket to the top spot on my New 52 Chart! It will deservedly knock Batman and Robin from the top spot. And if it's the final issue, it will retire with a #1 Ranking! That will probably send people out to buy Swierczynski's trades. After which, they'll probably curse me and wonder what the fuck is wrong with my ability to review comic books.

Birds of Prey #30

Another great cover. They remind me of the beautiful covers on I, Vampire back when DC was intelligent and brave enough to not have cancelled I, Vampire.

Before giving Christy Marx the writing assignment on Birds of Prey, I wish DC would have done what they're doing with Teen Titans. They should have cancelled it and given the audience a couple of months to forget how badly Swierczynski fucked it up before restarting it again with Marx and her fresh ideas at the helm. Her first year on this book was mostly spent picking lint and dog hair off of her Birds of Prey sweater. That's an analogy that may or may not work because I fucking hate analogies. At least, I hate when people use analogies in a debate. When you can't make an argument for your position on a subject without pretending the subject is something completely different, maybe you should realize you can't really defend your position. But I do like analogies for the story of a thing! And I don't mean allegories because that's a completely separate rant that involves a long discussion on how fucking stupid Jesus's disciples were.

Here's an analogy on drinking alcohol!

Drinking alcohol is like hiking. I enjoy hiking with a friend or two, meandering and getting lost in conversation. Often you hike a bit, eventually find your way back to the trail head, and then go home to take a nap. But sometimes you get so involved in conversation or the enjoyment of simply hiking for hiking's sake, that you realize you've gone too far and have become lost. When you get lost in the woods, everybody knows you're best bet is to stop hiking! Stay put and eventually everything will be okay. But who wants to stay put? You've hiked this far, you can probably hike your way out of it! So you keep going and you get more and more lost and eventually you're in a pitch black forest being mauled by a bear. At least it feels like you've been mauled by a bear when you wake up the next morning in the alley behind the bar. I mean, face down in the creek. That's how I like to hike anyway! I see a lot of people like to hike by screaming, "WOOOOO! Let's get crazy!", flailing their arms in the air and sprinting straight off the path and into the dense, dark foliage. Those people eventually wind up in twelve step programs because of their love of hiking.

I wonder why Reese's Pieces decided they were going to differentiate themselves from M&Ms by using the worst candy colors? They're like eating a pile of dead Autumn leaves filled with peanut butter. That might be an analogy too! Unless it's a metaphor! Okay, fuck you. It's a simile. Get off my back.

Before I begin reading Birds of Prey, let me take a look at my notes on things to write about in my commentaries. There's currently just one note: "Batgirl + Neopets." Whoops! I forgot to write about Neopets when I read Batgirl. I was recently reminded of Neopets because they sent out an email about some great Negg Hunt they were doing for Easter. Why do they do that? Can't they see I haven't logged on for years? Don't they know how bad I'm going to feel when I get that email and realize my Neopets are bored, lonely, and starving? I had three Neopets. I wonder if I can remember my log in and post a screen shot of them?

Aww! Hymenator is over eleven years old! And he's spent most of that time raising himself! I feel like an asshole now!

They've made it ten years with nobody bitching about their names, so I'm trusting nobody will report my poor pets! They shouldn't be put to death because I named them poorly!

They probably should be taken away from me because I never feed them though.

Now I'm probably going to spend a few hours fucking around on Neopets instead of reading Birds of Prey! Be back in a few hours!

Okay, I'm back. One hour of Neopets every year or so is probably enough.

Boo! Hiss! Vomit!

I really wouldn't be surprised if DC Comics decided to give Condor his own monthly title. That's how little faith I have left in this company! That's not true! I have no faith in the company because I don't believe in faith. Faith is what you have when you want the world to magically agree with your desires even though there is no particular reason the cosmos gives a shit about how much you want Bobby to stick his tongue in your navel. What I should say is that all the evidence behind DC's publishing decisions since the Reboot have lead me to believe that they would think a Condor monthly comic book would be a great idea and a huge hit with the kids. Maybe Geoff Johns will pull another Vibe. "I consider it a personal challenge to make a great comic book about one of the shittiest characters to ever appear in DC Comics in recent years! I'll write it for the first three issues because I know it'll have decent numbers as people check it out to see if it's worth it. They trust my magical writing ability to remember old characters and present them in new ways, even if those new ways really don't make any fucking sense. Then around the fourth or fifth issue, I'll hand the title off to some chump like Sterling Gates so I can blame him when the Condor title eventually fails. Because, seriously, he's as interesting as Vibe!"

I should note that Sterling Gates actually did a really good job with that wet paper sack Vibe. I was sorry to see that series end so quickly.

Currently Batgirl and Strix are fighting an army of assassins all by themselves. Don't you love the word, "assassins"? Who thought that word was appropriate to stick in our language? Two iterations of the word "ass" one after the other? Genius!

I guess Batgirl and Strix have help from Mother Eve's army but they're just regular soldiers and we all know that a squadron of normal soldiers is worth less than three batarangs. That's the standard exchange rate in Gotham City. And I won't mention Condor again. He's busy guarding his rear and I think that's enough said on the topic.

The first six pages of this issue is all explication. So Batgirl reminds us what she and Mother Eve and Ra's al Ghul were up to and then Black Canary reminds us what she was up to and finally Condor reminds us what he was up to. Six pages explaining to the reader what they had previously read just last month. It's not like last issue was so complicated! If DC is going to waste this many pages reminding me what was happening in previous issues, I think there's no more need for this blog! Especially since Christy Marx makes sure they all explain precisely what was happening and my blog kind of goes off on tangents and skips plot points and, quite often, just plain lies about what was actually happening. It's a wonder I remember anything at all.

Condor's big plan was to let Ra's al Ghul's ninjas kill Kurt since Kurt was all brain dead and useless and shit anyway. But then he realizes, at the last second, that Black Canary will never be able to love him if she can lay the blame for Kurt's death at his feet. Which she really should. Because Condor is an asshole.

Anyway, Condor saves Kurt for some stupid reason.

Do I sense a love triangle beginning?!

Batgirl's only job is to stop Ra's al Ghul from getting inside the ship and she fails. But since she still has ninjas to battle, she continues to brainlessly beat them up. If she knows Ra's has slipped inside, why doesn't she go after him? It's not like she's actually keeping the ninjas from accomplishing anything. In fact, the only thing they were meant to accomplish was distract the Birds of Prey so Ra's could get on board! I thought you were smart, Batgirl.

Shockingly, Black Canary does not betray her friends when Ra's offers her his cruddy, leftover bath water. Ra's is just as shocked as I'm pretending to be.

No? Who are you then? It's not like thirty issues of this comic book have helped any of the readers learn who you are. I've learned more about Black Canary by sending Gail Simone insulting messages on Tumblr than from this comic book!

Ra's doesn't have time to fight a second string mortal, so he leaves Black Canary to fight his First, NIGHTLORD! I think Nightlord's real name is Hawkwind and he can only be defeated by an old bearded man carrying a lantern.

Don't worry if you have no idea what the fuck I'm going on about. I often have no idea either.

In a surprise twist, Black Canary also doesn't have time for fighting second string mortals (even if she is one as well)! She leaves Nightlord to battle Strix and heads back to punch Ra's al Ghul in the throat for being a huge dick.

In a surprise, surprise twist of twisty twists, Nightlord doesn't have time for fighting third string immortals!

Nightlord was right about not having any time to battle Strix. Mostly because Strix ends his life almost immediately.

Not really! She actually slices him up enough so that it seems like he should be dead but he falls over the side of the ship and into the water. And if a body isn't found and buried (and often, even when it is!), you can't simply assume the person has been killed. Also, Batgirl would be mad at Strix if she killed Nightlord. Bad Strix! BAD! That's how Batgirl talks to Strix because Batgirl is insensitive to Strix's inability to speak and use computer tablets, so Batgirl treats her like a dog.

Back inside the ship, Black Canary screams at Ra's al Ghul and defeats him. Lessons are learned for those that are prone to learning lessons. I'm not because I'm super wise and already know all lessons. Like leaping before you look and that other one about the scorpion that everyone was surprised acted like a scorpion, especially the frog. Maybe some other profound things too that I learned from philosophers like Teddy Ruxpin and John Lennon. Anyway, everybody lived happily ever after! Except hopefully Kurt and Condor. Unless they live happily ever after together and leave the Birds of Prey alone. That would be an ideal ending!

Birds of Prey #30 Rating: No change. Still far too much Condor. I think I broke a tooth grinding my teeth while reading his stupid dialogue. Christy Marx will be my favorite comic book writer of all time if she'd suck it up and just kill him already!

Birds of Prey #29

This is a really nice looking cover. Marred only by the asshole at the top. Fuck Condor!

Tonight I tried to make a Birds of Prey crossword puzzle but I couldn't figure out how to fit "Condor" and "Jerk Off" and "Found Dead In A Gutter" and "Amanda Conner and Kurt Lance's Love Baby" and "Asshole" and "I Hate Condor" and "Die Die Die Die Die Die Die Just Fucking Die Already" all on the same grid. Granted, I didn't try very hard. But I think I expelled some of my rage hate for Condor, so I might go easy on him during this commentary.

This issue is called "The Eve of Battle" because the Birds of Prey and Mother Eve are going to have a battle with Ra's al Ghul! So it's possibly very clever. It could have been accidentally clever as well but that's still clever. The title might also be "Eve of the Battle." It's either not very clear or I'm a moron.

Page one treats us to a full body shot of Black Canary as she Canary Screams over the side of the boat and into the wind. That's her version of making a crossword puzzle to expel the raging desire to put Condor's head in a wood chipper. I can't wait to see how Strix deals with her dislike of Condor! I sure hope this ship has a wood chipper on it!

Wait a second! How did my thoughts appear in the comic book?!

Page two mistreats us with Condor's deepest thoughts as he works out his rage as well.

Condor learns that Kurt Lance has become a permanent vegetable! Wait. Is calling someone a vegetable insulting? It's not like they'd know, right? Does that matter? I call my mom a fucking asshole all the time but not to her face and she doesn't seem to mind! Sometimes late at night, I scream, "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! HOW DARE YOU BRING ME INTO THIS MISERABLE WORLD? I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS PAIN AND LONELINESS!" Then my neighbor screams, "Hey Dickface! I'm trying to sleep. How about finding Jesus already?!" And then I yell, "GO FUCK YOUR CHICKENS!" And then I hear the cock of a .357 Magnum from twenty feet away and I yell, "SORRY SORRY SORRY I'LL BE QUIET PRAISE JESUS!" And then everyone is quiet until 3:34 AM the next night.

The doctors have suggested that Black Canary unhook Kurt Lance from life support so that he can pass away peacefully. But Condor is all, "No no no! Let me do that!"

It's possible Kurt Lance is just fine and Condor is manipulating the machinery to look like Kurt has no brain activity. I wouldn't put it past him. He's a huge asshole. You can tell because he wears his stupid helmet into Kurt's hospital room instead of taking it off to show respect for the dead. I mean, dying! Bah, he might as well be dead. It's not like Amanda Waller is here to save his ass.

Condor decides to go sexually harass Black Canary while she's inconsolable over her husband's condition.

Watch the hand, creeper!

While Condor searches for a dark corner of the ship to weep hysterically from the pain of his broken heart, Windfall Uplink catches up to him with some bad news: Strix is a stupid mother fucker. She's been trying to get Strix to use a computer tablet to communicate but she keeps ruining the tablets by scratching her words into the screens as if they were marble tablets. I actually think she's just goofing on Uplink because Uplink made her remember lots of bad memories. So Strix decides to ruin all of Uplink's toys. And then Strix takes off to find Batgirl and fight vampires and little girls over in Batgirl. Condor figures this comic book is called Birds of Prey and not Condor (thank the stars!), so he flies off to find the rest of his team. Uplink asks if she should let Black Canary know what's up and Condor tears up instantly.

Oh, she'll notice! She'll wonder why nobody has tried to touch her butt in the last half hour.

While the rest of the Birds of Prey are off the ship, Black Canary decides to shoot Kurt up with Ra's al Ghul's Lazarus Pit Serum. It's her only chance to save him and completely destroy Condor's chances of love! I hope it works! Broken hearts are probably the most painful thing a person can experience just after kidney stones and childbirth. So I wouldn't wish it on anybody unless I truly, truly hated them.

Congratulations, Condor! Hope you enjoy sobbing uncontrollably until you pass out from exhaustion!

I bet the doctor was told by Mother Eve to inform her if Kurt gets better because she knows the only way his condition can improve is if he ingests some of Ra's al Ghul's bathwater. So now she knows Black Canary is going to betray her! But if she's a true Wise Woman archetype, Mother Eve will let Black Canary know she's going to betray her. And she'll forgive Black Canary. And, as a true Wise Woman archetype, she'll insist that Black Canary betray her so that she can bring back her love. She's going to go Christ Shit Balls all over this mother.

Or she'll do that other thing where she just trusts Canary's good nature and believe in Canary so much that Canary won't betray her at all. One of those two things will happen!

Meanwhile in Gotham, Condor bitches and moans and whines and cries almost exactly the way I did in eighth grade when Marilyn Mendoza told me she didn't like being stared at. Oh yeah, Marilyn?! Well I didn't like you not liking being stared at! I was crushing so hard on this girl that I actually stopped staring at her. For months. Until she approached me and said, "I wouldn't go in there. I think a fight's about to start." I was heading into the A Wing where my locker was and I couldn't believe my good fortune! She had forgiven me! She'd found my penance worthy! I bravely said, "That's okay. I have to get to my locker." And from that point on, we were on speaking terms again! And from that point on, she pursued me! Although I was too shy and stupid to react to her advances. You see, my only move was staring at her from afar and fantasizing late at night that we were part of the Elfquest World. I didn't have it in me to actually answer her when she passed me the note that said "I love you anyways" or accept her school picture when she asked me in a joking manner if I wanted one or took the hint when I saw her looking at me standing in line to sign up for Tennis for P.E. and noticing how she talked her friends into changing from Volleyball to Tennis (idiot! What was wrong with ninth grade me?!). We eventually went on to different high schools and I never saw her again. And we all lived ever after!

Her dedication in our 9th Grade Year Book. I didn't notice the "Luv ya kid" until halfway through summer when my friend Sal pointed it out. I never saw her again. Fuck you, Condor! I hope you experience this kind of pain, you shit!

Condor almost gets lucky when he's nearly put out of his misery by a drone. Except the drone wasn't trying to kill him; it was sending a message. Ra's al Ghul wants Condor on his team, broken heart and all!

You know, I used to respect Ra's al Ghul. But he wants Condor working on his side? Ugh. Loser.

Oh wait! Maybe I like Ra's again! I see what he's doing! He's giving that jerk Condor hope only to pull the hope rug out from under his stupid hopeful feet! Ha ha! Good one, Ra's!

Now that Ra's al Ghul has his various plans in motion, all he has to do is wait until nightfall before he attacks. For some reason. Probably because evil people fight better in the dark. Also ninjas fight better in the dark. And assassins. But old black wise women don't fight so well in the dark. Too bad she wasn't blind as well, as I've noted all along! Then she'd have the advantage.

Mother Eve reveals that the reason Ra's al Ghul is attacking her is to find out her secret of immortality. He's tired of long soaks in putrid water. He wants to be able to live forever from within! But he'll have to win this battle to learn the secret. Which means Black Canary will have to betray her friends! That most likely won't happen. I'm about 60% sure of it.

Mother Eve makes sure Black Canary knows everything about her process and how long it takes so that if she wants to betray her, she can.

Hell, Mother Eve is practically committing suicide!

And then the ninjas attack and the issue ends! So next issue will be the real treat where Ra's al Ghul betrays Condor by giving him everything he wants when Kurt is killed! But Black Canary will probably never be able to love another man and Condor will be devastated! Ha ha!

Birds of Prey #29 Rating: +2 Ranking. Finally, I'm kind of enjoying this comic book! I suppose it's mostly because Condor couldn't catch a break this issue. But I also think the team is finally involved in a story that's at least engaging their own desires and providing real motivations for their actions. Hopefully Condor will die or leave after this war, the Birds will break up for a bit, and then they'll reform with Black Canary, Strix, Skitters, and Mouse.