Birds of Prey #33

A perfectly good pun ruined by Black Canary kicking Amanda instead of punching her.

I seem to remember last issue ended with the Birds of Prey in a sparse African landscape being confronted by the Suicide Squad. Obviously, Canary and Amanda will be moving the action to a city later. Hopefully this fight takes place at Condor's funeral after King Shark bites off his head which was crushed by Harley's hammer and riddled full of Deadshot's bullets. I won't even mention where the boomerang wound up.

His pee pee hole! I couldn't resist mentioning!

I'm one of those people that can't help spilling beans all over the place. If somebody tells me something in confidence that I'm not supposed to mention to anybody else ever, I can do that. No problem. That secret is safe with me! Especially if it's a really boring secret since I have more important things to remember that involve me. But if somebody begins telling me something and then adds, "You can't tell X or Y I told you!" or "Q can't know that you know!" then forget it. All bets are off! I don't keep a fucking spreadsheet in my mind so I can keep track of who can know what information and who can't know what I know. Because if I have some information that is okay to tell any number of people, that information will be used for a really good fucking joke at some point! And that joke might be made in front of the people that aren't supposed to know the information or know that I know it or whatever.

The good thing is that I'm really honest about how unreliable I am with secrets! Most of my friends know that if I know something that shouldn't be known by somebody else, I shouldn't be allowed near the person that shouldn't know! So at least they can kind of keep me in check since I can't be bothered to remember all of that shit. And if somebody begins a statement with conditions on who can know the information, I'm very upfront about saying, "I don't want to know. If you value whatever thing you're afraid to lose if this person finds out, do not fucking tell me!" If they insist on telling me, then I insist on apologizing immediately for when I will invariably let the information slip.

That had nothing to do with Birds of Prey! Why don't I have an editor? Shouldn't an editor be sending this back to me with notes on it saying, "What the fuck was that, stupid?" and "Stay focused on the comic book, dickbreath." Then I'd have to fire them for using the term "dickbreath" because using that as an insult is like saying there is something wrong with people who like to put dicks in their mouths. And everybody with a dick knows that those people are fucking heroes.

I don't use the word "hero" lightly in my every day life! You'll never catch me calling your every day average soldier a hero! Seriously, show me that you saved a brown person's kitten or something and maybe I'll call you a hero. But to earn the title hero for just not knowing what to do with your life so you joined the military? Bah! If that's you and you want to be called hero, I need to see a dick in your mouth.

That was probably really disrespectful to military personnel, wasn't it? I blame the editor I don't have who would have stopped me from printing that last paragraph! Damn you, Matilda!

I just know my editor would be named Matilda. "Matilda the Hero" everybody in the office would call her. No, not because dicks and mouths! Because she would bring fresh baked, frosted brownies to work every day!

This issue is called "Pretty Lies and Ugly Truths." I really like that title because it's an ugly truth in and of itself. I once wrote some thing where I challenged Keats's phrase, "Truth is beauty; beauty, truth. That is all you need to know and knowing is half the battle." I think that's pretty close to the exact saying. Anyway, my response was thusly thus:

Beauty isn't really truth. Nor is truth beauty. Beauty is an illusion. A cover-up. It's misdirection and sentimentality and illuminating and inspiring and awesome. But truth is harsh and ugly and blunt and the bottom line. Art is a lie that both conceals and reveals at the same. And why would someone want to believe the lie? Who wants to live forever in eternal bliss when we have the cold, hard truth of the grave awaiting us? Right, Lyle?

Lyle was some guy that asked me a question back when I co-wrote a website called No Apologies! Press. He asked this question: "Why do some people, who seemingly live in the same world that I do, believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible, or a bunch of other like-type books for that matter?" Surprisingly, I took the side of the people that believe the literal interpretation of The Bible. Probably because Lyle asked his question as if I was automatically going to agree with him. Lyle, you dick! Stop trying to put the answer to the question inside the fucking question! But also thank you for naming my other project, "Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs."

"Tess! Start writing about the fucking comic book or no brownies for you, you shit-that's-having-trouble-sliding-out-of-an-old-lady's-sphincter!" Matilda would probably yell. What a taskmaster!

The fact that King Shark is eleven times bigger than he's been in the past is less disturbing than the pouches all over Deadshot's chest.

I've thought about it for awhile and I've come to a realization: I'm really excited about Ann Nocenti's Klarion the Witch Boy! She fucked up Green Arrow, Katana, and Catwoman so badly that I can't wait to see how much worse she can get turning Klarion's witchy powers into a metaphor for technology out of control! Oh she's going to shit all over that assignment, isn't she?!

What do you think Deadshot keeps in his ammo pouches? My guess is lipstick, lifesavers, a butt plug, and some handi-wipes. If they were bigger, I'd suggest he keeps some chum in one of them to partial out to King Shark like Scooby Snacks.

Oh, the fight has started! I should probably comment on that! So Condor uses his telekinetic powers to send Deadshot's bullets back at Deadshot, destroying Deadshot's wrist guns. It must take an awful lot of practice to think-stop bullets! How does that even work? I guess you don't actually have to see the thing you want to telekinetically control? I don't think anyone can actually answer that question because I don't believe anybody has telekinetic powers, no matter how many people I hear say they do on Coast to Coast AM.

What about those people that go on Coast to Coast AM to tell everybody what heaven is like! I can understand that they've either deluded themselves so deeply that they truly believe that any thought that enters their head is fact, so if they think, "Heaven has shooting ranges," then heaven must have shooting ranges. But what about the people that call in and believe these people?! Now they want to believe so badly that they're willing to listen to anybody that can self-publish a shitty little book that falls into George Noory's hands just when he's desperate to fill a slot on a slow night.

Black Canary battles King Shark and she's got some questions of her own, like "Does King Shark have ears?" and "How heroic would I be if it's a shark's penis?"

How cute! King Shark's belt buckle has a picture of his girlfriend, Dolphin!

Luckily for Boomerang who was going toe to toe with Strix, Amanda Waller intercedes and orders the Squad to stop fighting. She and Black Canary go way back. Really way back! Back to a time when Amanda was fucking Dinah's husband! I don't think they've had a chance to clear the air about that. Some words might need to be exchanged.

Four words in particular!

Is this where Amanda confesses about her and Kurt's love child, Havana?!

After Dinah flies off with Amanda, the Birds of Prey versus Suicide Squad grudge match continues. I think the odds have actually evened out with Black Canary gone. Deadshot sans guns versus Condor sans psychic power and charisma and anything likeable at all. Captain Boomerang sans Captain versus Batgirl sans sans. And Strix taking on King Shark and Harley Quinn. As for Dinah versus Amanda? I think that match up is too close to call. Although if it were Preboot Amanda, I'd put my money on her.

Jesus Christ, Christy Marx! In one page, you made the entire convoluted Team 7 and Black Canary history actually make some kind of sense!

I should probably give some of the praise to the Birds of Prey editors as well but fuck them! Are their names on the cover? Nope! The colorist is now more important than they are! Which, you know, is how it should be. Those editors need to stop thinking they're writing the books! Stop trying to come up with story ideas and just come up with where everybody's going for lunch.

Oh! It looks like he kept pistols in his pouches! That, um, makes, um...what?

The issue ends with the Birds getting the better of the Squad and Amanda telling Dinah, "You want the truth?! Well, you're not going to like it very much at all! It's worse than lies, you know?! It's going to be really bad! Your stomach will feel queasy! But I'll tell it to you! By God, I'll tell you the truth all right! I'm about to tell it to you! Here it goes! I'm saying it now:...." And then, Next Month: Things Fall Apart. Whatever! I wanted to hear about Havana!

Birds of Prey #33 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book has finally turned around! The only thing I still remember from the Swierczynski days is how to spell his name! Christy Marx has finally been able to make this book her own now that Kurt has been found and the Birds are working with Mother Eve. It just has one little fault. It's such a small fault that I don't think I should even bother to mention it. It's just that it's so annoying that I'd feel remiss if I didn't end my review by pointing out how Christy Marx is doing this book a disservice. The one thing she needs to change is the alive status of Condor. Just that! One niggling little detail! Fix that and this book is aces!

Birds of Prey #32

My dream cover.

I don't think I'll ever truly enjoy reading comic books again. The overuse of Narration Boxes has turned it into something with which I'm just not comfortable. They're a crutch to a comic book writer. They make things easier by simply writing everything you want the reader to get out of a scene. There was a time when the pictures spoke for themselves. Sure, their speech was ambiguous and uncertain at times. But I'd rather open Birds of Prey to a scene where Strix is perched on the top of a tall pole over Mother Eve's barge without the Narration Boxes telling me what she might be thinking. And in this case, they're telling me what Mother Eve thinks Strix might be thinking. I'm just not emotionally invested because I'm suddenly dealing with words that I'm logically picking apart immediately. I find myself gazing at the heroes themselves less and less when I have more and more Narration Boxes telling me exactly what the fuck is going on in the character's mind and why it's going on in their mind and the consequences of why it's going on in their mind and why the hero's family history ties in to what's currently going on.

I'm not saying they don't have their place in modern comics. Used sparingly, they can be an effective tool to help a comic book tell a strong tale. And I'm not suggesting the Narration Boxes of the old days were any better! Hell, they were far worse! They usually contained an omnipotent narrator explaining exactly what the picture was showing. At least the modern ones are a few degrees removed from the art and can sometimes throw a different perspective on the visuals. It's just that they've made things too easy for the writer. Comic book writers relying on Narration Boxes are telling a lazy story. Or perhaps they feel like they're not doing much if many of their words written into the script never actually appear in the comic book because they are art direction to set up scenes that should tell the story in pictures rather than Narration Boxes.

Sometimes I just don't want to be privy to every thought of the main character. Look at Grifter! That's his whole schtick is that his Narration Boxes are never ending and we're subject to every stupid fucking thought in his head. And you know why that is? Because his original writer was not a writer at all but just Jim Lee's friend, Brandon Choi. I destroyed Nathan Edmondson and his writing on that title but I really should apologize since I'd never read WildC.A.T.S. #1 before reading The New 52 Grifter. It seems Edmondson was writing him just as shoddily as Brandon Choi wrote him way back when. So I should have been congratulating Edmondson on his accuracy!

Another thing I hate about comic books, which may or may not be new because I can barely remember anything from before The Long Hiatus which began in 2003, is the way they often begin in fake media res. The first page shows the middle of the action and then on page two, you get a "24 hours earlier" tag and the story simply begins from the beginning. If you're going to write your comic book that way, just fucking skip that first page flash forward bullshit. That's not starting the story in the middle. That's just showing your date that you're going to have an erection later in the night. The cover already plays this part so doing it again on the first page is just wasting a page of story.

Sorry for spending time ranting about that stuff here, Christy Marx! I should be paying attention to your comic book. But to make up for all of that bullshit text, I won't wish for Condor to die anymore during this review. This one sentence here where I say I hope he dies will have to suffice. Plus the cover that I drew on to make it my dream cover. But that's it! Now I'll get serious!

Yes, the technology is called a pencil and any fucking writing surface.

I realize Strix has some trouble with spelling so it might be frustrating for her to write the things she wants to say. But anybody that would make fun of her spelling or act impatient as she writes her message will probably quickly be stabbed in the face, so it shouldn't really bother her much at all.

Meanwhile at a physical rehab center in Gotham, a whole lot of sexual tension is going down! Kurt Lance is trying to relearn how to walk. But mostly he's trying to relearn how to love! Dinah and Junkface are with him cheering him on because one of them loves the other one and the other one loves Kurt and Kurt loves both of them and the other one loves the one that loves the other one. I don't know! It's some kind of fucked up love triangle which probably means somebody is going to get hurt. I'm not saying that they can't all have a loving relationship where they all love each other. But I am saying that Condor (previously referred to as "Junkface") will get hurt and jealous and upset every time Black Canary sticks her tongue in Kurt's asshole.

Now I'm wondering if Black Canary ever uses her scream in an erotic way!

How dare Kurt not react to his recovery the way Dinah thinks he should react to it!

Whoops! I guess the extra guy isn't Condor at all but the physical therapist! I got confused because "therapist" is so close to "the rapist."

Speaking of "therapist" and "the rapist," in the early nineties, years before the Saturday Night Live skit where Sean Connery calls the "therapists" category "the rapists," I'd written a really crappy poem entitled "The Rapist" about a therapist that convinces a child through hypnotherapy that she had been used in Satanic rituals. If I knew where it was, I'd reprint the poem here even though I'm sure it was terrible. The idea hit me while I was watching some show on television where there were some magazines on a table shown upside down to the viewer. The title of one was "therapist" (possibly in big block letters) and my first thought was, "Why is there a magazine called The Rapist?"

Kurt does manage to convince Dinah that he doesn't remember her so she needs to back off. She's just pressuring him to be somebody he doesn't remember being and completely stressing him out. So she finally leaves him to rehabilitate on his own.

Speaking of "therapist" in big block letters! And the rapist in a pervo man-bun, top-knot, ponytail thing!

I'd be kind of nervous if that building opened up in my neighborhood!

THERAPIST

At least they didn't put a huge exclamation point on the end of the sign.

Condor has something for Black Canary but he says he left it back in his loft. Oh no! She's not going to fall for that one, is she? Once they get to the loft, he'll probably whip out his dick and say, "Oh wait! I had it right here all along!" Except what he actually has waiting for her back at his loft which is far less exciting than his penis is a set of wings so that Black Canary can fly. She powers them with her voice but can't the same set of wings be made that can be solar powered? Sell a set to Green Arrow for a few billion dollars! He'd pay anything right now if it would keep him from being carried around by Animal Man.

Before Condor and Black Canary can engage in hovering sky cunnilingus, the Birds of Prey are called together on a mission to rescue one of Mother Eve's friends held captive in a foreign nation.

There are worse things Black Canary could do then lead on a boy or two.

I bet once they get to Africa they'll encounter the Suicide Squad! I'm making that prediction because the Suicide Squad appeared on the cover and they haven't appeared inside the cover yet! That's called using your brains!

Once they arrive and begin battling thugs, Strix kills a guy and Batgirl loses her shit. She's a Talon, Babs! Awful shit was done to her and she's not prepared to play dainty super heroine yet, okay? If you want Strix on the team, you're going to have to realize that she was trained to kill from a very early age. Then she was killed. Then she was brought back to life to kill some more. The killing is kind of all she knows. You're asking her to give up her most favorite hobby just to be your friend. That's selfish!

That last paragraph should probably be turned into a song and sold to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to be made into a commercial.

The Birds rescue Mother Eve's friend just in time for The Suicide Squad to show up and declare that Mother Eve's friend is actually their friend and he's going home with them.

Holy shit! King Shark came back out of the toilet humongous!

Birds of Prey #32 Rating: +3 Ranking. How come whenever a book gets cancelled, it starts immediately getting better? I liked this Birds of Prey! I like where this group is beginning and how they have Mother Eve to give them missions and a purpose. I also think this is my favorite moment of the Suicide Squad so far in The New 52! Even they feel like they're being utilized correctly here! And King Shark looks fucking bad-ass as a gigantic monster! Now I can see Yo-Yo living for a month inside that creature's stomach! It's probably bigger than a New York studio apartment in there. Anyway, whatever, DC! Do your cancelled books instantly get better because the editors lose interest in them? Are the writers suddenly allowed to do whatever they want? What's the reason that shitty books get so much better when they've been cancelled? Of course, this book was on a tremendous upswing. It just kept getting better the further it got away from Swierczynski's plots. Maybe y'all should just leave this book for a few months and then let Marx fire it up again in the fall. Teen Titans and Suicide Squad are getting instant second chances. I think this book is just as worth an immediate second chance as those two titles.

Birds of Prey #31

Batgirl is the magician with the birds up her sleeves. Hopefully she makes Condor disappear.

Issue #31 has got to be the issue where we finally learn the reason that the Birds of Prey exists as a group! It's possible Black Canary brought them together to investigate rumors of that guy that never existed and his invisible henchman although I'm not entirely convinced of that. I feel it's more probable that she brought together all of the people who had suspicions that she killed Kurt Lance so that she could keep an eye on them. If she saw any hint that they were going to sell her out to the police or to Amanda Waller or to some secret government agency that everybody fucking already knows about anyway, she could scream in their faces until their eyes melted and their ears blew out. It's also entirely possible that she was just fucking lonely and the only people that would hang out with her were psychotic killers and Batgirl.

People have been lamenting the end of this comic book, so I guess it's been cancelled. Although I don't know why people are sad because this book has been horrible. It's been better since Christy Marx took over but she committed one glaring error: she never killed off Condor. What DC really should have done was cancel this after Swierczynski's run and then given it to Marx to reboot a few months later. This book just needs some direction and the death of one character and it could be really fun.

This issue is called "Death Jump"?! Do I dare hope that describes the actions of a certain purple headed maroon?!

This Singaporean guy has the ability to teleport like a Blink Dog if you're nerdy enough to know what those are. If you aren't nerdy enough, they're dogs that can teleport like this Singaporean guy! But they're not as mean as he is. This guy is a killer and I think Blink Dogs are friendly unless you take their food or hit them with a souvenir baseball bat.

Jesus Christ, how many more problems is Gordon going to have to deal with? He should fucking retire already.

This takes place before Gordon winds up in Blackgate, so at least Gordon doesn't realize he has a lot of shit to deal with yet. Although he might be dealing with Ricky's lawsuit and now he's going to have to try not to die while not losing hundreds of thousands of dollars as well. Maybe getting killed by Axton is the simple way out. Oh! I know! They can disguise Condor as Jim Gordon and let Condor get killed! That'll solve everybody's problems, especially mine!

Over on Mother Eve's Immortality Cruises, Kurt Lance is pretending he doesn't know Black Canary because he fell in love with somebody else when he woke up from his coma. I forgive him for falling in love with Condor at first sight though. Kurt hasn't had a chance to realize how fucking idiotic the bastard really is.

Or maybe Kurt really does have brain damage. I bet he'd remember Amanda Waller though!

The Birds of Prey become involved in the whole Axton trying to kill Gordon affair (that'll be the name of my first spy thriller: That Whole Axton Trying To Kill Gordon Affair) because Batgirl seems attached to Gordon for some reason. I know he's her dad but is that supposed to mean they have some kind of emotional connection or something? If I had to judge all child/father relationships by my own relationship with my father, I'd say that Batgirl thinks of him as some guy that was never around and now wants to be really close friends for some reason. Stop trying so hard, Dad! Just make sure I'm in the will and we'll be square! Especially if you have some teleporting assassin after you.

Who am I kidding? My father's will can probably fit on a cocktail napkin! He could have been a millionaire and retired on his Intel stocks if he hadn't been a raging alcoholic that decided to sell all of his employee stocks as soon as he got them to fuel his next blackout! Now I have to be responsible for my own person instead of living large on a hefty inheritance? Thanks a lot, jerko!

The Birds of Prey make a plan to capture Axton. Hopefully they remember to pick up Strix since she's their heavy hitter. While they're making plans to stop Axton, Axton is foiling their plans and currently kidnapping Gordon.

Don't worry, Babs! This story takes place before Batman Eternal! So he'll be fine! For now.

Luckily for the Birds of Prey, Axton doesn't kill Gordon immediately. That's also lucky for Gordon! Axton wants to hunt him like a virgin in a labyrinth. Perhaps if this is a Minotaur's Labyrinth analogy, Condor gets to be Icarus!

I think I spend too much time hoping for Condor's death. But I had a really shitty day today, so I'm really fucking hoping for something that would make me extremely happy and put me forever in Christy Marx's debt.

By working together (mostly by Strix just getting stabbed eighteen thousand times), the Birds of Prey manage to subdue Axton without anybody getting hurt! Boo! Hiss! Couldn't just one person have gotten hurt? Seriously hurt? Mortally hurt!

Why don't you just let it drop, Gordon! Your son was a dick!

And then the issue ends with Batgirl worrying about her dad for some reason. He's a grown man. He can take care of himself. Unless your boyfriend sues him for every last cent. That might take the wind out of his sails a bit and send him spiraling into a depression from which he'll never recover.

Birds of Prey #31 Rating: No change. I was so hoping Condor would die. If Christy Marx kills Condor, Birds of Prey will rocket to the top spot on my New 52 Chart! It will deservedly knock Batman and Robin from the top spot. And if it's the final issue, it will retire with a #1 Ranking! That will probably send people out to buy Swierczynski's trades. After which, they'll probably curse me and wonder what the fuck is wrong with my ability to review comic books.

Birds of Prey #30

Another great cover. They remind me of the beautiful covers on I, Vampire back when DC was intelligent and brave enough to not have cancelled I, Vampire.

Before giving Christy Marx the writing assignment on Birds of Prey, I wish DC would have done what they're doing with Teen Titans. They should have cancelled it and given the audience a couple of months to forget how badly Swierczynski fucked it up before restarting it again with Marx and her fresh ideas at the helm. Her first year on this book was mostly spent picking lint and dog hair off of her Birds of Prey sweater. That's an analogy that may or may not work because I fucking hate analogies. At least, I hate when people use analogies in a debate. When you can't make an argument for your position on a subject without pretending the subject is something completely different, maybe you should realize you can't really defend your position. But I do like analogies for the story of a thing! And I don't mean allegories because that's a completely separate rant that involves a long discussion on how fucking stupid Jesus's disciples were.

Here's an analogy on drinking alcohol!

Drinking alcohol is like hiking. I enjoy hiking with a friend or two, meandering and getting lost in conversation. Often you hike a bit, eventually find your way back to the trail head, and then go home to take a nap. But sometimes you get so involved in conversation or the enjoyment of simply hiking for hiking's sake, that you realize you've gone too far and have become lost. When you get lost in the woods, everybody knows you're best bet is to stop hiking! Stay put and eventually everything will be okay. But who wants to stay put? You've hiked this far, you can probably hike your way out of it! So you keep going and you get more and more lost and eventually you're in a pitch black forest being mauled by a bear. At least it feels like you've been mauled by a bear when you wake up the next morning in the alley behind the bar. I mean, face down in the creek. That's how I like to hike anyway! I see a lot of people like to hike by screaming, "WOOOOO! Let's get crazy!", flailing their arms in the air and sprinting straight off the path and into the dense, dark foliage. Those people eventually wind up in twelve step programs because of their love of hiking.

I wonder why Reese's Pieces decided they were going to differentiate themselves from M&Ms by using the worst candy colors? They're like eating a pile of dead Autumn leaves filled with peanut butter. That might be an analogy too! Unless it's a metaphor! Okay, fuck you. It's a simile. Get off my back.

Before I begin reading Birds of Prey, let me take a look at my notes on things to write about in my commentaries. There's currently just one note: "Batgirl + Neopets." Whoops! I forgot to write about Neopets when I read Batgirl. I was recently reminded of Neopets because they sent out an email about some great Negg Hunt they were doing for Easter. Why do they do that? Can't they see I haven't logged on for years? Don't they know how bad I'm going to feel when I get that email and realize my Neopets are bored, lonely, and starving? I had three Neopets. I wonder if I can remember my log in and post a screen shot of them?

Aww! Hymenator is over eleven years old! And he's spent most of that time raising himself! I feel like an asshole now!

They've made it ten years with nobody bitching about their names, so I'm trusting nobody will report my poor pets! They shouldn't be put to death because I named them poorly!

They probably should be taken away from me because I never feed them though.

Now I'm probably going to spend a few hours fucking around on Neopets instead of reading Birds of Prey! Be back in a few hours!

Okay, I'm back. One hour of Neopets every year or so is probably enough.

Boo! Hiss! Vomit!

I really wouldn't be surprised if DC Comics decided to give Condor his own monthly title. That's how little faith I have left in this company! That's not true! I have no faith in the company because I don't believe in faith. Faith is what you have when you want the world to magically agree with your desires even though there is no particular reason the cosmos gives a shit about how much you want Bobby to stick his tongue in your navel. What I should say is that all the evidence behind DC's publishing decisions since the Reboot have lead me to believe that they would think a Condor monthly comic book would be a great idea and a huge hit with the kids. Maybe Geoff Johns will pull another Vibe. "I consider it a personal challenge to make a great comic book about one of the shittiest characters to ever appear in DC Comics in recent years! I'll write it for the first three issues because I know it'll have decent numbers as people check it out to see if it's worth it. They trust my magical writing ability to remember old characters and present them in new ways, even if those new ways really don't make any fucking sense. Then around the fourth or fifth issue, I'll hand the title off to some chump like Sterling Gates so I can blame him when the Condor title eventually fails. Because, seriously, he's as interesting as Vibe!"

I should note that Sterling Gates actually did a really good job with that wet paper sack Vibe. I was sorry to see that series end so quickly.

Currently Batgirl and Strix are fighting an army of assassins all by themselves. Don't you love the word, "assassins"? Who thought that word was appropriate to stick in our language? Two iterations of the word "ass" one after the other? Genius!

I guess Batgirl and Strix have help from Mother Eve's army but they're just regular soldiers and we all know that a squadron of normal soldiers is worth less than three batarangs. That's the standard exchange rate in Gotham City. And I won't mention Condor again. He's busy guarding his rear and I think that's enough said on the topic.

The first six pages of this issue is all explication. So Batgirl reminds us what she and Mother Eve and Ra's al Ghul were up to and then Black Canary reminds us what she was up to and finally Condor reminds us what he was up to. Six pages explaining to the reader what they had previously read just last month. It's not like last issue was so complicated! If DC is going to waste this many pages reminding me what was happening in previous issues, I think there's no more need for this blog! Especially since Christy Marx makes sure they all explain precisely what was happening and my blog kind of goes off on tangents and skips plot points and, quite often, just plain lies about what was actually happening. It's a wonder I remember anything at all.

Condor's big plan was to let Ra's al Ghul's ninjas kill Kurt since Kurt was all brain dead and useless and shit anyway. But then he realizes, at the last second, that Black Canary will never be able to love him if she can lay the blame for Kurt's death at his feet. Which she really should. Because Condor is an asshole.

Anyway, Condor saves Kurt for some stupid reason.

Do I sense a love triangle beginning?!

Batgirl's only job is to stop Ra's al Ghul from getting inside the ship and she fails. But since she still has ninjas to battle, she continues to brainlessly beat them up. If she knows Ra's has slipped inside, why doesn't she go after him? It's not like she's actually keeping the ninjas from accomplishing anything. In fact, the only thing they were meant to accomplish was distract the Birds of Prey so Ra's could get on board! I thought you were smart, Batgirl.

Shockingly, Black Canary does not betray her friends when Ra's offers her his cruddy, leftover bath water. Ra's is just as shocked as I'm pretending to be.

No? Who are you then? It's not like thirty issues of this comic book have helped any of the readers learn who you are. I've learned more about Black Canary by sending Gail Simone insulting messages on Tumblr than from this comic book!

Ra's doesn't have time to fight a second string mortal, so he leaves Black Canary to fight his First, NIGHTLORD! I think Nightlord's real name is Hawkwind and he can only be defeated by an old bearded man carrying a lantern.

Don't worry if you have no idea what the fuck I'm going on about. I often have no idea either.

In a surprise twist, Black Canary also doesn't have time for fighting second string mortals (even if she is one as well)! She leaves Nightlord to battle Strix and heads back to punch Ra's al Ghul in the throat for being a huge dick.

In a surprise, surprise twist of twisty twists, Nightlord doesn't have time for fighting third string immortals!

Nightlord was right about not having any time to battle Strix. Mostly because Strix ends his life almost immediately.

Not really! She actually slices him up enough so that it seems like he should be dead but he falls over the side of the ship and into the water. And if a body isn't found and buried (and often, even when it is!), you can't simply assume the person has been killed. Also, Batgirl would be mad at Strix if she killed Nightlord. Bad Strix! BAD! That's how Batgirl talks to Strix because Batgirl is insensitive to Strix's inability to speak and use computer tablets, so Batgirl treats her like a dog.

Back inside the ship, Black Canary screams at Ra's al Ghul and defeats him. Lessons are learned for those that are prone to learning lessons. I'm not because I'm super wise and already know all lessons. Like leaping before you look and that other one about the scorpion that everyone was surprised acted like a scorpion, especially the frog. Maybe some other profound things too that I learned from philosophers like Teddy Ruxpin and John Lennon. Anyway, everybody lived happily ever after! Except hopefully Kurt and Condor. Unless they live happily ever after together and leave the Birds of Prey alone. That would be an ideal ending!

Birds of Prey #30 Rating: No change. Still far too much Condor. I think I broke a tooth grinding my teeth while reading his stupid dialogue. Christy Marx will be my favorite comic book writer of all time if she'd suck it up and just kill him already!

Birds of Prey #29

This is a really nice looking cover. Marred only by the asshole at the top. Fuck Condor!

Tonight I tried to make a Birds of Prey crossword puzzle but I couldn't figure out how to fit "Condor" and "Jerk Off" and "Found Dead In A Gutter" and "Amanda Conner and Kurt Lance's Love Baby" and "Asshole" and "I Hate Condor" and "Die Die Die Die Die Die Die Just Fucking Die Already" all on the same grid. Granted, I didn't try very hard. But I think I expelled some of my rage hate for Condor, so I might go easy on him during this commentary.

This issue is called "The Eve of Battle" because the Birds of Prey and Mother Eve are going to have a battle with Ra's al Ghul! So it's possibly very clever. It could have been accidentally clever as well but that's still clever. The title might also be "Eve of the Battle." It's either not very clear or I'm a moron.

Page one treats us to a full body shot of Black Canary as she Canary Screams over the side of the boat and into the wind. That's her version of making a crossword puzzle to expel the raging desire to put Condor's head in a wood chipper. I can't wait to see how Strix deals with her dislike of Condor! I sure hope this ship has a wood chipper on it!

Wait a second! How did my thoughts appear in the comic book?!

Page two mistreats us with Condor's deepest thoughts as he works out his rage as well.

Condor learns that Kurt Lance has become a permanent vegetable! Wait. Is calling someone a vegetable insulting? It's not like they'd know, right? Does that matter? I call my mom a fucking asshole all the time but not to her face and she doesn't seem to mind! Sometimes late at night, I scream, "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! HOW DARE YOU BRING ME INTO THIS MISERABLE WORLD? I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS PAIN AND LONELINESS!" Then my neighbor screams, "Hey Dickface! I'm trying to sleep. How about finding Jesus already?!" And then I yell, "GO FUCK YOUR CHICKENS!" And then I hear the cock of a .357 Magnum from twenty feet away and I yell, "SORRY SORRY SORRY I'LL BE QUIET PRAISE JESUS!" And then everyone is quiet until 3:34 AM the next night.

The doctors have suggested that Black Canary unhook Kurt Lance from life support so that he can pass away peacefully. But Condor is all, "No no no! Let me do that!"

It's possible Kurt Lance is just fine and Condor is manipulating the machinery to look like Kurt has no brain activity. I wouldn't put it past him. He's a huge asshole. You can tell because he wears his stupid helmet into Kurt's hospital room instead of taking it off to show respect for the dead. I mean, dying! Bah, he might as well be dead. It's not like Amanda Waller is here to save his ass.

Condor decides to go sexually harass Black Canary while she's inconsolable over her husband's condition.

Watch the hand, creeper!

While Condor searches for a dark corner of the ship to weep hysterically from the pain of his broken heart, Windfall Uplink catches up to him with some bad news: Strix is a stupid mother fucker. She's been trying to get Strix to use a computer tablet to communicate but she keeps ruining the tablets by scratching her words into the screens as if they were marble tablets. I actually think she's just goofing on Uplink because Uplink made her remember lots of bad memories. So Strix decides to ruin all of Uplink's toys. And then Strix takes off to find Batgirl and fight vampires and little girls over in Batgirl. Condor figures this comic book is called Birds of Prey and not Condor (thank the stars!), so he flies off to find the rest of his team. Uplink asks if she should let Black Canary know what's up and Condor tears up instantly.

Oh, she'll notice! She'll wonder why nobody has tried to touch her butt in the last half hour.

While the rest of the Birds of Prey are off the ship, Black Canary decides to shoot Kurt up with Ra's al Ghul's Lazarus Pit Serum. It's her only chance to save him and completely destroy Condor's chances of love! I hope it works! Broken hearts are probably the most painful thing a person can experience just after kidney stones and childbirth. So I wouldn't wish it on anybody unless I truly, truly hated them.

Congratulations, Condor! Hope you enjoy sobbing uncontrollably until you pass out from exhaustion!

I bet the doctor was told by Mother Eve to inform her if Kurt gets better because she knows the only way his condition can improve is if he ingests some of Ra's al Ghul's bathwater. So now she knows Black Canary is going to betray her! But if she's a true Wise Woman archetype, Mother Eve will let Black Canary know she's going to betray her. And she'll forgive Black Canary. And, as a true Wise Woman archetype, she'll insist that Black Canary betray her so that she can bring back her love. She's going to go Christ Shit Balls all over this mother.

Or she'll do that other thing where she just trusts Canary's good nature and believe in Canary so much that Canary won't betray her at all. One of those two things will happen!

Meanwhile in Gotham, Condor bitches and moans and whines and cries almost exactly the way I did in eighth grade when Marilyn Mendoza told me she didn't like being stared at. Oh yeah, Marilyn?! Well I didn't like you not liking being stared at! I was crushing so hard on this girl that I actually stopped staring at her. For months. Until she approached me and said, "I wouldn't go in there. I think a fight's about to start." I was heading into the A Wing where my locker was and I couldn't believe my good fortune! She had forgiven me! She'd found my penance worthy! I bravely said, "That's okay. I have to get to my locker." And from that point on, we were on speaking terms again! And from that point on, she pursued me! Although I was too shy and stupid to react to her advances. You see, my only move was staring at her from afar and fantasizing late at night that we were part of the Elfquest World. I didn't have it in me to actually answer her when she passed me the note that said "I love you anyways" or accept her school picture when she asked me in a joking manner if I wanted one or took the hint when I saw her looking at me standing in line to sign up for Tennis for P.E. and noticing how she talked her friends into changing from Volleyball to Tennis (idiot! What was wrong with ninth grade me?!). We eventually went on to different high schools and I never saw her again. And we all lived ever after!

Her dedication in our 9th Grade Year Book. I didn't notice the "Luv ya kid" until halfway through summer when my friend Sal pointed it out. I never saw her again. Fuck you, Condor! I hope you experience this kind of pain, you shit!

Condor almost gets lucky when he's nearly put out of his misery by a drone. Except the drone wasn't trying to kill him; it was sending a message. Ra's al Ghul wants Condor on his team, broken heart and all!

You know, I used to respect Ra's al Ghul. But he wants Condor working on his side? Ugh. Loser.

Oh wait! Maybe I like Ra's again! I see what he's doing! He's giving that jerk Condor hope only to pull the hope rug out from under his stupid hopeful feet! Ha ha! Good one, Ra's!

Now that Ra's al Ghul has his various plans in motion, all he has to do is wait until nightfall before he attacks. For some reason. Probably because evil people fight better in the dark. Also ninjas fight better in the dark. And assassins. But old black wise women don't fight so well in the dark. Too bad she wasn't blind as well, as I've noted all along! Then she'd have the advantage.

Mother Eve reveals that the reason Ra's al Ghul is attacking her is to find out her secret of immortality. He's tired of long soaks in putrid water. He wants to be able to live forever from within! But he'll have to win this battle to learn the secret. Which means Black Canary will have to betray her friends! That most likely won't happen. I'm about 60% sure of it.

Mother Eve makes sure Black Canary knows everything about her process and how long it takes so that if she wants to betray her, she can.

Hell, Mother Eve is practically committing suicide!

And then the ninjas attack and the issue ends! So next issue will be the real treat where Ra's al Ghul betrays Condor by giving him everything he wants when Kurt is killed! But Black Canary will probably never be able to love another man and Condor will be devastated! Ha ha!

Birds of Prey #29 Rating: +2 Ranking. Finally, I'm kind of enjoying this comic book! I suppose it's mostly because Condor couldn't catch a break this issue. But I also think the team is finally involved in a story that's at least engaging their own desires and providing real motivations for their actions. Hopefully Condor will die or leave after this war, the Birds will break up for a bit, and then they'll reform with Black Canary, Strix, Skitters, and Mouse.

Birds of Prey #28

I bet Condor's name is Swan and he's still boring.

If you missed last issue, you missed a real treat! Condor was all, "Who wants me on the team?! Everybody who wants me on the team raise their hands!" And Batgirl was all, "Yeah, I guess," and she raised her hand. And Strix was all, "...," and she raised her hand. Condor was, "Okay, okay! Great! But what about you, Black Canary! You matter most of all because I love you so much I want to tell you that my dick should be inside your vagina but that might come off as too strong and creepy so I'll just keep that to myself. Do you want me as a Bird of Prey?!" And Black Canary was all, "If a train were leaving New York at sixty miles per hour and another train were leaving Chicago at eighty miles per hour and they passed by each other in different tunnels in the middle of the night in the heart of the coldest winter of the century, how many fucks would I give if you were on the team? The answer is zero. I would give zero fucks." And Condor went "Cri! Cri! Cri!" It was so funny! I hope Black Canary breaks his heart every issue! He's such a jerk!

This issue is a fantasy issue that takes place in the fantasy realm of Gothtopia so Black Canary might actually be nice to Condor. Which will be great because then he'll get his hopes up again so that she can dash them upon the rocks of brutal heartache! Black Canary is so lucky she gets to do that! As The Bible says, "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

Wait. That's in The Bible? That's pretty fucking cruel, right? Not that I'm agreeing or disagreeing with the sentiment in that if you've been enslaved by certain people, only you know if you'll ever be so angry you want to grab their babies by the feet and smash their tiny heads against the rocks. Because fuck the babies, right? The babies are innocent and all, sure. But can you imagine how hurt the parents of those babies will be seeing their darling children's brains exploding in halos of mist and grisly horror? So I'm not incredulous that perhaps someone in that situation might commit such an atrocity. What's amazing is that people often call The Bible a rulebook for life. So now I know when it's okay to dash baby's heads against rocks. Thanks, The Holy Bible! I bet this is just one example too. It didn't say this is the only time smashing baby's heads will make you happy. How long do you have to be in captivity to justify your actions? What if you're just stuck in a really long queue at the DMV? That's kind of like being in captivity! Or what about your McDonald's manager's new baby? Working there is practically like being enslaved? Fuck man. I'm starting to rethink this whole living life according to morality and ethics derived from empathy and sympathy with my fellow human beings! If I follow The Holy Fucking Bible, I actually have at least one legitimate reason where I can break baby heads! Fuck yes!

Owls are hunters so Strix gets to be Artemis! I would have called her Bubo.

Condor's name is not Condor and it is not Swan. It is Eagle. That is terrible. He doesn't deserve to be named after a majestic bird. His name should be Dodo because then he'd be extinct! He tells Artemis and Bluebelle how something really important is missing in his life and I can't help but snicker at his broken heart that he doesn't even know is broken right now. Oh man! Just wait until he remembers that Black Canary doesn't give a shit about him!

Speaking of Black Canary, she appears even though she refused to leave Kurt Lance's side last issue. Her name is Warbler because she's a blur when she goes to war. Or maybe it's because she makes an annoying sound with her throat. It also could be because she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Ugh, Eagle. Stop touching her all of the time! She doesn't like you!

I need to stop thinking about Condor for a second because my blood pressure monitor is beeping erratically. So earlier this week, I went to see Stand By Me at the Laurelhurst Theater here in Portland. It was nice to see it in its original format since it's one of those movies that I enjoy enough that if I catch it on television, I'll watch it even though it's one of those movies that really doesn't work when edited for television. I mention this because I just spent the last two hours watching The Bad News Bears (the original) on network television because that's another movie that I can't help but watch even when presented in a format where it just doesn't fucking work. Although I'm quite surprised that a bunch of thin-skinned mothers haven't somehow gotten legislation through that would outlaw showing the film on television. It is such a remnant of the 1970s that it fills my heart with joy and, at the same time (because I'm a complex human being), loss for being too young to truly experience the greatness of the Seventies. Buttermaker drinks and drives constantly. Kids hangout of cars without seatbelts. The kids celebrate with beers at the end. Swearing and more swearing. What a classic. It's also great to see a young Rorschach helping out his teammates. When the dickhead coach of the Yankees grabs his arm and tries to throw him out of the baseball field, I wanted him to growl out, "Even in the face of Armageddon, I shall not compromise in this." And then he'd go over and join the Bad News Bears. Or break the coach's fingers. One of those.

Okay, I'm calm now. Although I may have to watch my DVD of The Bad News Bears tomorrow. A network television viewing just isn't satisfying enough.

Since this is Gothtopia and everybody is hallucinating, maybe Warbler is actually a rabid goat! Eagle is fucking a rabid goat! What a jerk!

Movie night is interrupted by the Bat-signal for some reason. Gotham is the most crime free city in America right now, so why would Batman need The Wings of Truth? Perhaps he keeps them on call to wax his Batmobile.

The problem winds up being Batman himself. If you've read Detektif Comics #27, you'll remember that Batman remembered that Gotham was a lousy, crime-ridden hellhole and he turned on everyone. The Wings of Truth help lock him away and then they head back home to decide on which stupid Action-Romance they're going to watch.

To do what?

While Batman is incarcerated, The Wings of Truth spend their time whistling cheerful tunes and hitting the roller rink every Tuesday Night for One Dollar Rental Night. But eventually Batman escapes from Arkham with Poison Ivy and The Wings of Truth have a real job to do!

Except they only do that job for a few minutes when, in the middle of the fight, Bluebelle tells Eagle, Warbler, and Artemis that they're help isn't needed and that they should go home. So they do. I get it! Bluebelle just couldn't stand listening to Eagle fawn all over Warbler anymore. I would have sent them home as well, even if Batman was busy breaking my spine. "Go! Go! OW HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I mean, get out of here! I'm okay!"

Back at the dumpster they've been living in that they think is an apartment, The Wings of Truth eat some rat feces and nod off to sleep. Warbler is awakened by a Ra's al Ghul shooting a load of serum in her face and then offering her a deal concerning the story that Birds of Prey was trying to tell before everybody fucking started to hallucinate.

Oh. I guess Warbler isn't a rabid goat. Too bad.

Black Canary tricks Condor and Strix into leaving the city so that they're no longer influenced by Crane's drugs. I don't know why she brought Condor when he was taking so many liberties with her while they were all deluded. I don't really like Kurt Lance either but I hope Ra's al Ghul heals him so that he and Condor can constantly squabble over Black Canary's affections while looking like two huge douches. Eventually Batgirl also joins the team on Mother Eve's boat so that they can all get back to the previous story about the war between Mother Eve and Ra's al Ghul. Also, Black Canary gives up leadership of The Birds of Prey so that Batgirl can lead. That's just stupid. Just break up the fucking team! Why do The Birds of Prey even need to exist?

Birds of Prey #28 Rating: No change. I don't feel like I should count this issue against the regular book since it was mostly just fantasy with a few moments squeezed in so that Christy Marx could at least partially continue the story arc she was on when Gothtopia interrupted. I guess I don't mind the interruption though since this book has yet to find its feet after Swierczynski got it drunk behind the bleachers and had his way with it. And by "had his way with it," I mean "wrote a bunch of shitty stories with characters that kept following leads that went nowhere and forgetting why they were doing anything whenever a new plot point came along which they followed because they had no motivations of there own."

Birds of Prey #27

Don't say Condor. Please don't say Condor!

This cover almost became my favorite cover of the entire New 52 before I realized that was Kurt Lance dead in Black Canary's arms and not Condor. Fucking Condor. I should devote an entire blog to my hatred of Condor. I might even abandon this one so I can just post about all the things I'd like to do to Condor on a daily basis. I can't even function normally anymore since I'm consumed with ways I'd kill Condor. Fuck! I hate him so much! I hate him so much that some people might suggest that my hatred is actually love! But they're wrong. Unless pouring molten steel into another man's anal sphincter is a loving act. Which it might be. But not in this case! I hate that Goddamned Condor!

Is it wrong for me to express my hatred for Condor? Am I hurting the Condor fandom's feelings? You know? I don't fucking care. Fuck them too! If, and I can't even imagine this to be true but I'll throw this if carelessly out there anyway, a Condor Fandom actually exists, they can fuck right the fuck off this planet right now! Yes, I am Earth's Landlord and I'm evicting the Condor Fandom. We've allowed them to dwell among us for long enough. It's time to rise up and root them out! If you see one, just point at them and scream shrilly at them. I'm not sure what the next part is. I think that part of the plan is the question marks. So this is the plan if you see a Condor Fan:

1. Point.
2. Scream Shrilly.
3. ???
4. Pod Fit!

Alternately, you can just shove a wire right into the corner of their eye at an upward angle and wiggle that fucker around. That should cure them.

Why are people so bad at math?! Maybe it's just that word problems are difficult. But if Condor hasn't spoken two words than he can't have spoken two words more than Black Canary has spoken. Unless she's been speaking backwards and backwards words count as negative words.

Speaking of bad math, my favorite part of the Superbowl (although I slept through most of it so I should probably clarify it was my favorite part of the miniscule amount I saw) was when Troy or Joe looked at the 29-0 score and said, "Simply doing the math, the Broncos are going to need four touchdowns and three two-point conversions." No, you idiot. You are stupid. That's definitely doing the math although you're doing the math wrong, you simple-minded fool. Yes, the numbers you threw out there add up to thirty points. But you also forget that you still have one more one-point conversion to add to the score which would result in 29-31. Which means you have one point more than you need. Which means you only need two two-point conversions. You stupid fuck.

Why the hell, half-asleep, did I even notice that? I bet it perked me up right out of a dream because the only thing I do well is pointing out when people are being stupid when they think they're being clever. I can't be clever myself! But I sure as hell can drag everybody else back down to my level with acerbic comments and cynical bullshit. I bet those two assholes in the Super Booth were Condor fans.

Must be a pretty quiet flight back from Basilisk Headquarters since Strix has probably said less words than Black Canary! And then who the fuck would Batgirl be speaking with so I'm guessing she hasn't said anything either! So why even bring up how weirdly quiet Condor is compared to everybody else? Probably because that asshole can't help hitting on Black Canary every few seconds. "So, you fuckin' like me yet or what?"

Upon arriving back in Gotham, the helicopter lands on an offshore floating base instead of at the Gotham City Airport where Batgirl left her motorcycle. Oh man, she is going to be pissed! All she asked the Convenient Man was to watch her Goddamned Batgirlcycle and he fucked that shit up. It's probably been sold for parts by now. Really deadly, flame-throwing parts!

Oh yes. That's the proper way to say, "Thank you, Convenient Man and his Military Goons, for paying all the costs and figuring out all the logistics to get Batgirl and Strix to South America so they could save Black Canary and her husband." I guess Black Canary doesn't know any better since nobody spoke two words to her on the flight home. And Strix's natural setting is "Violent." But come on, Batgirl! Stop being such a Condor!

The Convenient Man's Boss is Black, Blind, Older, Female Charles Xavier in a Track Suit. In other words, she's the Wise Old Woman that Black Canary and Condor have both met in the past.

Her name is Ass Mother Eve. Or something.

So this Abigail Freemantle of Hemingford Home, Nebraska uses her shining ability to convince the Birds of Prey that she's a wise old woman willing to help them for no ulterior motive. M-O-O-N! That spells "Actually there probably is an ulterior motive because she probably needs help battling a Dark Man!"

The way Batgirl goes on and on about how she instinctively trusts Mother Eve makes me believe Mother Eve is a truly good character. Because usually when a Batperson feels an instinctive trust of someone, they immediately become suspicious of that person. Maybe Batgirl figures if Mother Eve is up to something, she can easily break her neck with one well placed batkick. Not that she'd ever want to kick an old blind woman. But, you know, if it comes down to it, she'll be ready. She killed her own brother for Christ's sake!

I didn't take the Lord's name in vain in that last paragraph. I just typo'd "for Christy's sake" and don't feel like fixing it. It's okay though because Jesus knows what's in my heart! Blood and other gross crap! But luckily he can also see the information stored in my brain as electronic signals!

Fucking great. Strix, the strongest member of the team, has regressed to five years old!

Mother Eve explains that she's practically an immortal although that power is fading fast. She's been around a long time and everybody on the ship, she says, are her children. "Save you three," she says. So either the bad math continues or she's just fucking ignoring Condor the way I'm trying to. Like how I cropped him out of the scan above! Ha ha! Dick!

Mother Eve reveals that she is battling a Dark Man! Ra's al Ghul! She thinks he's coming for her and she needs protection. That's why she saved Batgirl and Black Canary! Because they're too nice to tell her to stuff it!

Uplink also appears on the ship because I said she was going to become a Bird of Prey. She hasn't switched to a Bird-Themed Name yet so it might be a bit too early to raise my level to Superior Master. I guess I should hold out until she's definitely part of the team and she changes her name to Feathers or Oracle. She does refuse the name Uplink immediately though! And with her bright pink and blue plumage, I bet she chooses Flamingo! And then people can go, "What the fuck? Why are you called 'Flaming O?'" Maybe she'll choose the name Bird of Paradise. Or just Paradise. Or maybe Pair of Dice and she'll use her mind powers to win lots of money gambling. Unless she goes by (and this will really be my last guess before I move on to hate on Condor some more) Windfall! Remember Windfall?! That was my guess previously!

Yeah! Tie him up and then throw him overboard! But shoot him in the face first!

Condor decides to tell his tale and he begins by pointing out that he's Native American. You think that's going to keep me from bashing the fuck out of you, Condor? Although it probably will get me in trouble since I really wanted to say "Fuck you and the Wakį́yą you rode in on!" Good thing I know better than to say racist shit like that!

Condor points out how he was hired by the NSA because they seemed to believe all Native Americans were good "code-talkers." Coincidentally, Condor just happened to be good with languages and wound up being a pretty decent code-talker. Sure, call out a respectable organization like the NSA for making a good call by calling their reasoning "quaint" and by "quaint" I know you meant "racist as fuck." The NSA is just trying to keep us all safe from things! Very scary things! You must think so too, right Condor? Or why would you go work for them? Just because they recruited you didn't mean you had to work for them. Or was the pay just high enough to pay for your abandonment of your ethics? I'm not judging! We've all got a number! It's just most of us can walk around saying that we would never give up our beliefs for any amount because who the fuck is offering us anything?! For the right price, I'm kicking my cat straight through the fucking window!

I hope I get some offers! Maybe I should start a Kickstarter.

Anyway, Condor eventually lost his job with the NSA because he was bad at it. Or because he was crippled with headaches. I was just reading between the lines. Because Condor was wracked with crippling pain and he'd lost his job, he decided to throw himself off of a bridge. Oh, really? It wasn't because you'd sold your fucking soul to a shitty government job and gave up everything you believed in for a hefty paycheck? Just asking because I don't believe anything you say, asshole. You're the worst character ever created by any comic book company, so I don't trust a single thing you're saying.

Here are more of his lies.

Condor became part of Regulus's Super Person Extradition and Reeducation Machine. They named him Poltergeist because why wouldn't a boring ass piece of shit like Condor decide to change his name from something kick ass to something mundane? But Condor never liked being part of the team because DammerHown and CripWhack were vicious assholes. Eventually Regulus fucked an old woman in front of Condor and he'd decided he had enough. The kink level was way to high for a white bread lover of vanilla ice cream like Condor. He had to get out of there so he could go back to a boring government job where he could live an exciting life by spying on other people. So he ditched Tsiklon because she loved to fuck in weird positions like "on top" and "from behind." But she didn't want him to go, so she and her cohorts beat him near to death. But Condor survived, got some new technology from some jerk he helped escape Basilisk, and decided on a newer and stupider name.

Thus ends the Secret Origin of Condor! Forgive me if you killed yourself for having to read that much about him. It was a close call for me having to type it all out. But luckily the Non-Certified Spouse found me and got help before I completely bled out.

After Condor finishes his story, the Birds of Prey hold a vote to see if he can be their new member. Batgril and Strix vote yes because they're stupid fuckfarts. But Black Canary knows just what to say to hurt Condor's stupid feelings! Ha ha!

I like that the sentiment hurts Condor's heart but I don't like that she doesn't care if he stays. Boo!

I just remembered that Mother Eve isn't blind but that I figured, in an earlier issue, that the only way she'd appear wiser is if she were blind. Just thought I should clear that up.

Condor flies off to pout but he only gets to do it for half a page because Gothtopia interrupts the narrative. I don't know if he originally was going to get more pages to whine and cry (I'd expect it from him!) if Gothtopia wasn't butting it's happy face into this comic book. But now the Birds of Prey need to go investigate the strange, non-violent threat taking over Gotham. Well, all of the Birds of Prey that are left in the group after Batgirl decides that Black Canary has quit to sit at the side of her brain-dead husband. Why is she picking Kurt when she can have a brain-dead lover with a working penis in Condor? Anyway, next month Gothtopia and The Wings of Truth!

Birds of Prey #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Why did I really like this issue? Was it because I got to shit all over Condor while he waited beneath my anus moaning, "Mmmm! Mmmm! More! Right in my mouth! Right in it!" Maybe he wouldn't say that. I did kind of portray him as kinkless, didn't I? I also think ... Wait. Really? You really think I'd kick my cat through a window or give up my beliefs for mere cash? You're fucking crazy. Cash and poontang though? Now we're talking!

Birds of Prey #26

Hopefully this is the issue in which Uplink becomes a Bird of Prey and changes her name to something bird-like. Then I can level back up to Master Comic Book Reader!

Last issue, we learned how Black Canary became a part of Team 7. We did not learn how Condor somehow got his head caught beneath the wheels of semi-truck. That sounds a bit risqué, doesn't it? Not the entire sentence. Just the phrase "semi-truck." We also did not learn how Condor got his penis caught in the office shredder at the annual Christmas Party. Nor did we learn how Condor suffered from a massive bout of food poisoning and died in a gas station men's room choking on the fumes made by his own asshole. We did not learn how Condor was curb stomped by the Hate Admirers, Gotham's all-singing, all-dancing gang of violent street thugs who don't actually hate anything, they just "love too well." Also, they don't curb stomp him on purpose. He just happens to be passed out in the gutter in the wrong place and the wrong time. Well, wrong if he didn't intend to get curb stomped. We did not learn how Condor broke his neck trying to spend a few quiet minutes auto-fellating himself nor did we learn how he wound up asphyxiating in the belt hanging off the backside of his closet door. We did not learn any of these things that would have allowed me to remember the true meaning of Christmas. Instead I sat broken and weeping in front of a television blaring out God's Good Word on some digital station that was so backwater it needed five decimal places. Weeping because Condor still existed and he was still shitting all over the Birds of Prey comic book.

As far as things that actually happened on paper and not in my mind, Black Canary discovered that she hadn't ever actually gotten her husband Kurt killed and that he was alive and serving Regulus, leader of Basilisk. He didn't know he was serving Regulus though. Kurt was in a medically induced coma blasting his super power on a high frequency and keeping everybody in the area from using their super powers. I wonder if comic book cryogenic chambers have an automated bed pan system or if they just put the occupants in diapers?

Like? Like what? Like every five year old shoved out of the car on their first day of kindergarten?

If Kurt Lance was resurrected using Waller's Samsara project, that means he's going to explode, right? I guess that would mean a shitload of DC Characters would start exploding, beginning with Harley Quinn and Deadshot, so I guess that whole exploding thing is a side effect that doesn't always happen but is a real enough concern to shut down that stupid project which I'll never have to hear about again. Who at DC decided it would be a great idea to give Amanda Waller the power to resurrect people so that the Suicide Squad loses the main reason that makes it one of the few comic books that have ever had any real consequences? That was possibly the worst idea put forth in The New 52. Not even having Scott Lobdell write several books with young characters was as bad as the Samsara editorial decision. I know, I know. Everybody has their own pet peeve about the worst thing DC did in The New 52. But you're all wrong. Emotionally, you might feel right and vindicated in the anger you have against something DC did to whatever character. But on a completely objective and not at all based on my own emotions wrapped up in Ostrander's Suicide Squad being perhaps my favorite non-Vertigo DC book ever, the Samsara Project was the most destructive decision to any of DC's franchises. The Suicide Squad might as well have been renamed The Slightly Inconvenienced Squad.

Meanwhile, Batgirl and Strix have found themselves facing off against Regulus's team of misfits who may or may not have a group name. Possibly they're the New 52 version of The Masters of Disaster. I should probably remember their individual names as well but Zero Year was last month which means I didn't get a quick refresher on the characters in this thing when I reread my Birds of Prey #25 Commentary a few minutes ago. But their names don't matter anyway! The only thing to keep in mind is that nobody can use their super powers. Which puts Strix and Batgirl at a serious advantage over theses Metas. And since a Talon's regenerative ability is Super Science and not a Super Power, she can still get her head cut off with no worries.

Just because look at how stupid he is, I HATE YOU, CONDOR!

Now, I've hated Condor since he was introduced. And my hatred of Condor may or may not have been irrational. He's a scrotal parasite with a really shitty costume and an inexplicable and sudden love of Dinah Lance. This is a comic book with a bunch of characters I don't really fucking care about (thanks to Swierczynski's awful beginning to his series), so maybe I should be happy that I'm just feeling something! But Starling was just a drunk that couldn't aim her gun and would spout off standard one liners. Black Canary has just been confused and lost. Strix is boring and could really use a fucking pad of paper and a Sharpie. Batgirl just drops in on occasion to keep sales up. Hell, Katana was the most interesting part of this team before she wandered off to suck horribly in her own series. And then Condor arrives and he's just worse than every character I'm already not into! So I hated him with a passion so pure that I think I figured out how to sustain a fusion reaction. So sure, I may not have had a very good reason, intellectually, to hate him. Until now.

He's an abusive asshole!

Now, in theory, I'm not against hitting a person just because she's a woman (in reality, I'm against hitting people at all! Although I'm kind of on the fence about dogs). This is a comic book and Tsiklon is a bad guy and Condor and the Birds of Prey are trying to stop the "bad guys" from whatever crazy terrorist plot they're hatching which began with kidnapping Black Canary and Condor. Heroes and Villains hit each other all the time in comic books. It's a thing. It's a staple of the genre. It happens. But that isn't what's happening here at all! Forget that Tsiklon lost her powers so now it is just a big man punching a woman. Still acceptable in comic book terms! Maybe not appetizing but acceptable. So why is this abuse rather than just comic book violence? First off, he uses her real name. Secondly, she says he would never hit a woman and he agrees. But then he hits her and says that he'll make an exception for her. He isn't hitting her because he's stopping a villain or saving the day. He's punching her because of their past relationship and their history together. He's found it acceptable to punch her in the face because of how he perceived she treated him in their relationship. This is abuse. Condor, as I've stated before, is a fucking jerko.

Hmm, I wonder if "jerko" wasn't harsh enough?

Meanwhile Black Canary pulls the plug on Kurt Lance. It doesn't kill him though, it just wakes him up to incredible pain. Also, he reverses his power! Now nobody can use their power not because they've lost it but because they've lost all control over their powers. They've just gotten a shot of Five Hour Kurt Lance Drink. Main ingredient: semen.

That's what she said!

I wonder if the people that went around constantly saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World were disgruntled by the surge in popularity of the phrase with people saying "That's what she said" due to Michael Scott from The Office being one of those people that constantly went around saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World?

With everyone's powers out of control, Batgirl and Strix are still the ones with the advantage! Everybody kind of takes themselves out of the fight when their powers go wild, leaving Batgirl and Strix to continue searching for Black Canary. But Black Canary is trying her hardest not to scream everybody into oblivion. I bet the only way to stop her is to shove some indestructible thing into her mouth to block her from screaming!

Dammit. Now I can't get the image of Strix straddling Dinah's face.

Or maybe that won't have to happen. Dammit. Apparently Dinah can still control her powers better than the others.

So what's the difference between blowing somebody up into the sky with her voice and simply making their head explode? The pitch? The tone? Screaming from the diaphragm?

"Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know! It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!"

That was going through my head while scanning the previous panel so I had to vomit it out through my fingers and into your brain.

Batgirl climbs through the hole conveniently made by Regulus to find Black Canary and knock her unconscious with a Sleeper Hold. And it's absolutely perfect!

Batgirl hooks Kurt Lance back up to the medical equipment because she's an expert having been in a hospital for so long after she broke her back in that hilarious skiing accident. I guess everybody loses their powers once Kurt is hooked back up to the machines. Luckily none of them plummet to their deaths because they were flying too high. I think. I'm pretty sure nobody is going to die. Even stupid flying characters like Condor or Condor.

Although Condor can still fly because he saves Strix from plummeting down a mountain when she tackles Regulus off of the tower. He falls down into the mist and, presumably, to not his death. But Condor flies Strix back to safety because either Batgirl hooked Kurt up to the medical equipment wrong or Condor can glide with his stupid purple costume and not just fly with his telekinesis.

Oh wait! The last page explains it!

Ha ha! In your heartbroken face, Condor!

Birds of Prey #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was better than most. I'm still not a fan of this team since I can't pinpoint any reason for the team to exist. What is Black Canary trying to accomplish? Did she just form the team because that's what you do when you have a super power? And even though Condor didn't die, I was happy to see his stupid heart get hurt! Ha ha! I think I've called too many things "stupid" during this commentary. But I can't help it! I'm being unduly influenced by my hatred for Condor!

P.S. Do postscripts apply to written pieces like this?

P.P.S. I hope next issue Uplink comes out of the shadows to seek asylum with the Birds before they head back to Gotham. I suppose they still need a ride home. Perhaps the Convenient Man is lurking behind the medical machinery to offer them a jet ride back to Gotham and Batgirl's Batcycle. I wonder if Barbara refers to her menstrual cycle as her Batcycle? I wonder if Batman refers to his semen as his Batgoo? As in, "Sorry I got Batgoo all over your Catsuit, Catwoman." Or, "Hey Alfred, can you get the Batgoo stains out of the inside of my Batsuit? I had a tussle with Poison Ivy and she pulled that move where she clamps her thighs down over my face. I mean, normally I wouldn't find that sexual in the least! But she filled me with Plant Pheromones or something."