Death of Hawkman #6

Yay! It's the moment we've all been waiting for!

If I'm cheated out of reading the actual death of hawkman with some bullshit comic book fuckery, I am demanding my money back from DC Comics. And if they don't pay up, I'm suing the fuck out of them. And damages will be a whole lot more than just the twenty four dollars I initially demanded be refunded. I'm suing for every fucking dollar I gave them during The New 52 and that whore's piles of a series, Convergence.

The Review!
This review only needs one thing: a scan of the panel where Hawkman dies. If that doesn't happen, this comic book is going to drop a lot in the rankings! I'm tired of being lied to by comic book covers and mothers!

Oh no you don't! He's totally worth killing! He's twenty four dollars worth killing!

Hawkman does die but it's not gruesome or entertaining enough to scan. Sorry! He just punches his Nth Metal through Despero's head which drains him of his qi and he becomes a desiccated corpse which withers into a skeleton wearing a winged helmet and floating in space. But Despero reforms because Despero is made out of pure Nth metal now! I'm sure Hawkman doesn't at all live inside of him now that his Nth Metal is a part of Despero. I'm fairly certain Hawkman won't be reborn out of Despero's anus in the next series, The Extremely Painful Rebirth of Hawkman. I'm almost completely and utterly certain that the ending of this comic which reads "Not the end. Nowhere near it" is actually he end. No way this comic earned enough to ensure a sequel, right? Even with everybody purchasing it because they wanted to jerk off to Hawkman dying, the miserable bastards. Not me, of course! The reason I didn't scan Hawkman's death panel has nothing at all to do with love juice stains and everything to do with whatever lie I told earlier.

The Ranking!
-4! Yes, you read that right! MINUS FUCKING FOUR! Sure, I'm glad Hawkman died. But why couldn't the final page say "The End. Forever. We totally mean it."?

Death of Hawkman #5

Is this some sexist commentary about how women are easily manipulated? Or just some fan service Hawkman nipple?

The Review!
My friends and I once wrote a Galactic Hero Corps story called "The Death of Mr. Mystic." The joke was that during the mission, Buck the Ogre was the one who died. Mr. Mystic just died of old age at the end of the story. The tone of the Galactic Hero Corps was always stupid whimsy so you might expect that kind of thing when reading it. But I'm not sure if the tone of this comic book is supposed to be so ridiculous that it's okay to kill Green Lantern Isamot in the middle of a Death of Hawkman story. I suppose it does fix one thing that always bothered me since Isamot's ring flies over to the finger of a winged Thanagarian. That makes more sense for a Green Lantern of Thanagar than Isamot ever did! Sure, Thanagar is made up of several different races (or something. What am I? A scholar of the Polaris solar system?!) but nobody thinks of Thanagar when they see a Lizarkon (or whatever! Remember that thing about not being a scholar?!).

Also, Hawkgirl wasn't in this issue at all so I don't know why she's beating up Hawkman's nipples on the cover.

Aside from all that, Despero just keeps making trouble. He's definitely controlling Alanna so I guess she's not as huge a dick as I've been speculating.

The Ranking!
No change!

Death of Hawkman #4

I hope Hawkman dies this issue!

The Review!
Hawkman still isn't dead! Zero stars! But Despero is now covered in Nth Metal! As if he wasn't already powerful enough. Now he's also practically invincible. I hope he suffers some kind of heavy metal toxicity from being covered in so much of the stuff.

Alanna is still being a real asshole warmonger. Despero explains it as her being driven mad by her father's supposed death. But a better explanation would be that Despero is controlling her mind. Otherwise she's being a real fucking dick who's going to get everybody killed.

Adam Strange is also still in this comic book but he doesn't do much this issue aside from almost throw up a number of times.

Death of Hawkman #3

I hope these two guys discuss archaeology for most of this book.

I hope Andreyko decides to surprise everybody and kill off Hawkman three issues early! The story would still have to deal with the aftermath of Hawkman's death and Adam Strange would have to overcome crazy odds to win (because he's, you know, just stupid Adam Strange. All he has is a laser pistol. Although it's better than a mace, I guess?). The only reason I can think to not kill Hawkman this issue is that it's the only reason most of us are probably reading this series. As soon as Hawkman dies, I'll be satisfied with the story.

Adam Strange is having trouble dealing with killing people. He's not used to being in actual wars where lives are at stake. The only thing he's good at is banging his students. He's apparently so manly that he nearly vomits seeing Katar's penis. Unless Thanagarians have disgusting looking genitals. That's probably a better explanation.

Seeing Katar's penis was where the flashback left off last issue. The story continues from there which is a shame because Hawkman is definitely not going to be dying in a flashback.

Aha! Strange is definitely intrigued by Katar's nakedness!

The woman who bedded Hawkman is named Seraphene so if I knew anything about DC Comics, I'd probably know how she's super important now or something. The only Seraphene I can think of is one of those Forever People. But I don't think she's white or blonde or into fucking Hawkmen.

Katar and Adam realize Despero is behind the attempt to set Rann and Thanagar on a path to war. But they're no match for Despero! They're only C-List members of Justice League Canada. What can they do to save two worlds from destroying each other?

Seraphene might not be as important as I thought she'd be. She's just a plot point so that the security forces on Thanagar would know where to find Adam Strange when the report goes out that he's wanted.

Cyborg is able to confirm that Despero is no longer in Belle Reve. Well, maybe somebody should have placed him in The Catacombs underneath Death Valley! That's where the truly dangerous cosmic villains are supposed to be held. I guess The Catacombs didn't actually exist at the time. Or maybe Batman forgot to tell Justice League Canada about the prison.

Before Hawkman and Adam Strange can begin their pursuit of Despero (without any help because, as usual, the rest of the League is "on a mission." And nobody cares if Cyborg joins them. It's going to take a lot more than a White Noise Cannon to stop Despero), some Thanagarian security guards arrive to beat the shit out of Adam Strange.

Back on his home planet, Despero kills the priests maintaining the stasis pods of everyone on Kalador. He then frees them and convinces them to be his army to take over some other planets. I hear Rann and Thanagar are particularly nice this time of the galactic cycle. I mean, I don't know where they're actually headed but Hawkman and Adam Strange are headed to Kalador, so maybe they'll run into each other along the way.

Meanwhile, Alanna is acting like an asshole. Maybe she's only now realizing Adam Strange's abuse of power and manipulation of trust in forming a relationship with one of his students. Or student aides. Nearly the same thing.

The Ranking!
No change. DC Comics has decided that all of their mini-series need to be six issues long. But none of their writers seem to be able to come up with a six issue long story. So the pacing is generally all over the place as they try to stretch what little story they have over 120 pages. This issue is absolutely a filler issue. Everything that happened this issue could easily have taken place in a couple pages at the end of last issue and maybe a couple pages at the beginning of the next issue. And I'm sure both of those issues have some pages they could have tossed out.

Death of Hawkman #2

Last issue was mostly a trip to the DMV. I hope this one features a more exciting errand.

Either this issue actually features Hawkman or DC figures people read the first issue and know what's up because this cover doesn't read "Featuring Adam Strange!" I still think this should be called "Adam Strange stars in Strange's Death of Hawkman featuring Adam Strange!"

For this next paragraph, I'm going to assume there are people who like Hawkman.

How would you like to be a fan of Hawkman and then have to read a book about Adam Strange? And, assuming as well that there are Adam Strange fans, how would you like to miss the biggest story featuring Adam Strange because the title was "Death of Hawkman" and all you could think was "Stupid!" as you passed it by to pick up Red Hood and the Outlaws? Well, you'd probably feel like an idiot for a multitude of reasons. But at least Adam Strange is on the cover, so as long as it wasn't a variant cover showing Hawkman fellating himself or an underage girl looking overly sexual, Adam Strange fans probably would have picked it up. Although they probably also would have picked up the comic with the sexualized young girl.

Just a second. My new pretend lawyer Pickle Boy just passed me a note. It reads, "That shot at Adam Strange fans being pedophiles was hilarious! Keep up the legal work!"

This issue begins with blood sloshing all over Adam Strange's head. Is he back at the DMV?

Why am I suddenly thinking about Brokeback Mountain? And why am I suddenly super interested in this fucking. Um, comic! This fucking comic!

Adam and Katar wind up in a battle against "assumed hostiles" before the flashback part of the comic book begins. This time, it's to see what kind of errands Katar Hol went on before winding up on Rann in the middle of a war.

Apparently he had to mail some letters.

Hawkman commits to apprehending a felon (or rebel (or jaywalker))) using excessive force. It's true the "criminal" fights back and even stabs Katar at one point. But it isn't as if Hawkman ever tries to deescalate the situation. I think his whole shtick is to re-escalate situations. It goes a long way toward making Hawkman fans uncomfortable for liking Hawkman so much. If you don't feel uncomfortable about your fangendering over Hawkman after this scene, you might be a bit of a prick. He's just not likable! Unless you like over-the-top violence. I mean, I like Lobo so maybe I'm a hypocrite. But then Lobo's hyperbolic violence has always toed the line between dark humor and outrageously poor taste. And since I like those more than I actually like violence, I'm okay with Lobo. But Hawkman is an authority figure who thinks the best way to fight crime is to bash it all into a bloody paste. You might not see the difference between enjoying a villain who murders indiscriminately and an authority figure tasked with keeping people safe who maims barely discriminately but I do! Mostly because it allows me to not judge my own likes and dislikes because I'm basing them as the norm and anybody's desires which differ too widely from mine is a perverse monster.

The flashback doesn't remain on Hawkman and his visit to the post office. We also catch up on what Adam Strange was doing when he first arrived on Rann at the beginning of this war story.

Dammit. I wish I hadn't seen this. I'm as shocked as you are lady. At least my lawyer, Pickle Boy, says I have even less to fear about litigation from those pedophiles. I mean Adam Strange fans!

Oh man. If you think that one panel was incriminating, wait until you see the two that followed it!

Gross!

Adam Strange remarks that Rann currently looks like Dresden in World War II. I guess he couldn't think of any more modern cities that got the shit bombed out of them in his millennium. Or maybe he just thought better of bringing them up. Dresden is long enough ago that people can think, "Collateral damage was just a part of the world back then! It was necessary and it worked!" Saying that now might not be something you should say, no matter how much you like Hawkman and really want to say it.

Adam finds Alanna alive but Sardath is dead. That's fine because Sardath always winds up betraying people for scientific reasons and then going, "Who?! Me? But look at all the science I got done!"

Back on Thanagar, Hawkman gets dressed down for being too violent. Instead of saying, "Yeah, you know what. Sorry. Maybe I need some counseling or something," he thinks, "But in America, I'm celebrated for bashing people in the face with a mace!" And to drive the point home, he doesn't think about bashing some invulnerable villain into submission. Instead, he remembers a time when he bashed an innocent victim of Starro in the side of the face with his mace. What a fucking dick.

Katar Hol quits or is fired and storms out of the office. What an idiot! Now when he beats the shit out of somebody, it will be as a criminal and not as a badge carrying officer of the peace!

Back on Rann, Alanna decides to blame an entire race of people on the actions of two Thanagarians. I guess she's used to being an American hero as well.

After leaving his job, Katar and his penis decide to go to a bar and have a racy conversation with a lady and her vagina.

I may not know all the ins and outs of sex but I'm pretty sure wet is an innuendo for something that happens during it!

Pickle Boy just Googled "wet" and "sexy times". It turns out when a lady gets really horny, her vagina looks like it sneezed.

Adam Strange decides to investigate the site of the bombing. Luckily the computers weren't damaged by the explosion that made the rest of the city look like Dresden. He discovers that somebody used the Zeta Beam to teleport a number of mystery people to Rann! I bet one of those was Despero because I like to take easy bets that are practically foolproof.

I win the bet! Now who bet against me? Be honest! You owe me ten dollars. No wait! Twenty dollars!

Despero will always be the most dangerous DC Universe enemy to me. Because when I was first getting into comics, the Justice League was destroyed by him. Granted, it was a terrible version of the Justice League with Vibe and Gypsy and Vixen and Steel. But he still destroyed them all! Or at least he made them all feel so bad about themselves that they could barely limp through another few months before being completely dismantled during Legends.

Adam fights with Alanna because she's super racist and really into fear-mongering. But he thinks he has a lead so he tells her he needs to go for a walk and then teleports to Hawkman's apartment where Katar has apparently had the worst sex of his life.

Either it was truly terrible sex or Katar is a really disturbing individual who prefers to beat the shit out of people than to have sex with them. I don't mean the objects of those two statements are the same people! I'm not suggesting he goes out and fucks criminals.

Strange teleports in on Hawkman naked and now I realize why I was thinking of Brokeback Mountain earlier!

The Ranking!
No change! Oh fuck it. I'm enjoying this stupid comic book for some reason. It's probably the sweet anticipation of Hawkman's imminent death. I'm like that guy on the side of the Grecian Urn with an eager boner that will never get to be used. I mean, that might not be so great for the guy with the boner. But at least the lady he's going to put it in (or guy? No wait. The rest of this statement doesn't work if he's Greek. I mean gay) can enjoy the infinite anticipation of the approaching sex act without ever having to experience the terrible letdown of a shitty lover. Also, I won't have to live in anticipation of Hawkman's death for eternity. I just have to survive three more months!

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metamorpho!

I wonder if Metamorpho ever stabs himself in the face while sleeping. Wait. Does Metamorpho sleep?

Typical political discourse:

"Bush is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

"Obama is terrible for all of these reasons."
"Here are facts as to why those reasons are wrong."

"Trump is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

How a person doesn't realize they're on the losing side of every argument when their entire rebuttal is a deflection, I'll never know. I'll never know because I don't talk to those people if I can help it. Usually if I'm having a conversation with somebody and they say something stupid, I just wander off. I do occasionally answer their questions on Tumblr but only if I think I'm being witty. That means I always answer them because I always think I'm being witty, much to the chagrin of everybody who knows me.

I just used the word "occasionally" even though I can never spell it. You see, one time I read a way to remember how to spell necessary and I always wind up applying the method to occasionally! The secret to spelling necessary is that a shirt has one 'n'eck, one 'c'ollar, and two 's'leeves. At least that's how I remember the saying even if it sounds stupid now that I type it out. Anyway, occasionally has all of those letters too! So I always wind up spelling it ocassionally on the first attempt! Thank God for Spellcheck! And I mean that literally because you know whoever invented Spellcheck got the idea from God because God was all, "Eeny meeny miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if you catch it, let it go. My 'mother' told me to pick the very best one and I pick you to be blessed!"

Last issue, things were happening in this story that I don't really remember. I reread my commentary to refresh my memory but that was nearly a week ago and I can't be bothered to reread it again! I think Java had just shot Metamorpho with one of those weapons that seem to be everywhere in the DC Universe. You know the kind! It's the kind that steals the power from the hero. Here's how the antagonists always seem to get their hands on one of them.

Writer: "Metamorpho sure has a lot of powers! How can anybody ever defeat him?!"
Editor: "I don't know. Can I have a bite of your salami sandwich?"
Writer: "Get out of here! I'm trying to work!"
Editor: "Brrrrt! Fry raid!"
Writer: "What the hell?! You said you didn't want anything when I went out! Get the fuck off of my lunch!"
Editor: "Whatever. You have that script idea yet?"
Writer: "I don't know! How about the bad guy just has a weapon that takes away Rex's powers?"
Editor: "Great! Perfect! Oh, hey, you're out of soda."
Writer: "FUCK!"

That dialogue was going to be completely different and then I made one of the characters an editor and thought, "Editors are jerks! I'd better make this realistic!"

This issue begins with Java defeating Neith and all of her warrior buddies while also disabling Metamorpho with his Lazy Writing Gun. I guess Cavemen are just naturally better fighters than people who have trained for battle their whole lives. I suppose I don't know that much about Java's life before he was thawed out. Maybe he was a champion Cave Fighter? That's like a cage fighter but with one letter changed to make it into a pun that needed to have an explanation or it would just look like I was calling him a guy who fights in caves like a caveman probably would!

I guess this is now Rex's natural form. Too bad. I thought without powers, he might revert to human and we'd get a glimpse of his penis.

Java says what all the idiots in the world couldn't say so they decided to destroy the world instead with their stupid power of democracy: "I'm tired of you looking down at me, thinking you're better than me!" If you've ever had that same thought, you're probably one of those idiots. When somebody expresses a truth and acts confident in that truth because science and evidence are behind them, they aren't even thinking about making you feel stupid. They're just living in reality. I can see how you might begin to feel put upon if your beliefs don't line up with reality. I can see how you might want to begin believing that facts are just opinions and have equal weight. I can see those things but they don't make you any less ignorant when you deny reality for your own desperate attempt to selfishly maintain your world of make-believe. Especially when that make believe world is full of hate. Here's a quick quiz to find out if you're a terrible person: are you angry at whole groups of people you don't know and do you think you're a good person? If you answered yes to both of those, you're the worst person. For transparency's sake, I answered yes to both questions. My whole groups of people I'm angry at are stupid people.

The best part about being vaguely rude and dismissive and insulting to people on the Internet is that I'm not specifically calling anybody out. But people will read this, self-identify with the terrible portrait I've painted with my words, get offended, and then type a rude message to me. I'll usually respond in some flippant way while thinking, "Thanks for identifying yourself, asshole!" But then I'll realize they sent the message anonymously. At that point I'll shake my fist impotently in the air and scream, "You win again, Internet!"

Sapphire arrives to tranquilize Java and say "Thanks but no thanks." Which I think is as bad as saying "Sorry not sorry" except that it really isn't somehow. People who say "sorry not sorry" should be euthanized. I totally stand by that statement no matter how much it makes me sound like Hitler! Besides, I'm pretty sure he popularized the phrase in response to you know what.

By tranquilizing Java, Sapphire has proven to Rex that she actually does want to help and that she isn't a pawn of Simon Stagg at all! Or maybe she was just a little bit but now she's smartened up and gotten with the program and drank the non-branded flavored sugar water drink! Rex decides to trust her, especially since she's the only other character still conscious and he needs somebody to have a conversation with while he saves the day, otherwise the rest of this issue will be super boring. At least up until Kanjar Ro attacks! He must have gotten away earlier for a reason, right?

I first read this as "Tranquilizers, fleshlights...I'm a regular Walmart" and thought, "Wow. Walmart has really changed!"

Rex and Sapphire flirt even worse than I flirt with people. Rex is all, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" And Sapphrie is all, "I lost your diamond testicle!" And Rex is all, "I don't have any more of those!" After typing that, I've changed my mind. That's much better than the way I flirt with people. Usually I look them in the eye and say, "I have a few minutes for nonthreatening sexual contact that should distract you from the thought of death for a little while." I just realized I should have been a teenage goth! I probably would have gotten laid like crazy with that line!

Oh! I just want to talk about the whole "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" bit for a second! I know I've mentioned it before but who is reading this right now who also read whatever commentary I last discussed it in, right? Jesus isn't suggesting that somebody might exist who has never sinned. I mean, that seems obvious but you never know what some Christians might think based on all of the weird shit some of them believe. What he's suggesting is the exact opposite. He's suggesting that nobody exists who has never sinned. And that's the whole point! We are all sinners and we've all been given second (or more!) chances. We must always be given another chance to repent and become better people. Nobody should be condemned to death on one sin without any chance at redemption. It's pretty much what Gandalf said to Frodo (unless it was Bilbo!) when discussing Gollum's fate. That makes sense since Gandalf was basically the Jesus of The Lord of the Rings. What with his magic powers and his coming back from death and his being friends with giant eagles.

The flirting is a success! It's so good that Sapphire decides she'll kiss a mineral shaped like a human even though it currently can't make any kind of penis-like protrusion because Rex lost his powers. While they're kissing, Kanjar Ro kicks them in the faces! Now Rex will have to battle Kanjar Ro without his powers! Which, I guess, just evens up the fight because what the fuck can Kanjar Ro do? I mean aside from the pretty cool double kick to both of their faces as they were kissing. That alone could make him one of my favorite supervillains of all time! I mean, it could if not for how utterly boring and terrible he is in every other way.

Kanjar Ro's attack causes the Orb of Ra to crack and since Rex is currently getting his face smashed into the floor, Sapphire has to risk her life to save the day. She scoops it up and sticks it on a place that looks like maybe that's where it goes, I guess? When she does, there's a blast of energy that turns her into Unity. Unity is basically the Orb of Ra possessing Sapphire's body. So when it describes itself as "Unity", what it really means is a union of the Orb of Ra's mind with Sapphire's amazing butt. But it can still feel her feelings and it is, of course, perplexed by the emotion of love. Being an orb, I suppose it wouldn't have known what love was previously. I mean, as long as it had never met Doctor Magnus, that is.

Unity tells Rex that she can't have sex with him because it would kill him and Rex is all, "I'll take my chances!" But instead, she flies away because DC hates love, I guess.

The issue ends with the planet Dawhatever saved, Sapphire subsumed by some monstrous entity that doesn't give a shit about love, and Metamorpho discovering the passion of having a nemesis! Basically, this story puts Metamorpho's world back to where it was before New 52 destroyed it. Or maybe it resets it to pre-Crisis days? Zero Hour? Whatever. I suppose it's just a new version of the same old shit. I don't ever remember Sapphire being some creature called Unity but then I've never read every single Metamorpho comic in existence. So it might be new. Or it might be one of those things old-timers read and were all, "Yes! Unity! Never my favorite but I remember her! Or it! Or whatever! I wish I could have a bowel movement!"

The Review!
Was it good? I don't know! Some stars out of another arbitrary number of stars! Let he who is without sins cast the first review!

Death of Hawkman #1

Featuring Adam Strange?! Deal!

The Commentary!
• I can't wait until this comic book ends! Not because I hate Hawkman! Because the title indicates that at the end of this comic book, Hawkman will die and I hate Hawkman! It's a subtle difference.

• Here's another thing I don't exactly hate but I certainly don't care much about: the relationship between Rann and Thanagar! I've had enough space pulp fiction this year thanks to Cullen Bunn's Aquaman. If that statement makes your head hurt, complain to that jerk Colon Bunn! And his stupid editor, Brian Cuntingham.

• Ho boy! The DC You Aquaman retooling was terrible! So awful! Criminal almost! I'm talking to a lawyer about a lawsuit! I mean, if I buy a comic book with Aquaman on the cover, I expect a useless idiot talking to fish and fighting for ocean rights! But what did I get with Bunn's Aquaman?! An Aquaman with every super power you can think of and traveling to another planet with lots of Swords and Sorcery bullshit thrown in! Plus his new costume made him look like he was suffering from priapism! Half the time I was reading the comic book, I kept thinking, "Is he going to fight that alien barbarian or fuck him?!"

• The story begins with Hawkman and Adam Strange in the thick of battle! Or just after the thick of battle, anyway. So, you know, it starts in a lull in the action with Hawkman and Adam Strange skulking in debris. Adam Strange mentions this battle began a few weeks ago so I hope this comic book doesn't suddenly go, "A few weeks ago!" Just once, I'd like to read a comic book that begins in the middle of the action and just fucking stays there!

• I noticed the first couple episodes of Luke Cage began like that. They definitely want you to know you're watching a comic book!

Goddammit!

• The story actually begins in the DMV which is at least a little bit more exciting than beginning with Hawkman. At least in the DMV, I'm prepared for interesting characters conquering the mundane battles of a weary world one form at a time! I suppose beginning with Hawkman doesn't mean that's not something that can happen. It just means that instead of thinking about how we're all constant heroes by facing the hardships of adulthood in a society that desperately hates the idea of individuality, I'll be thinking, "Hawkman sucks!"

• Speaking of Hawkman, where the hell is he? This comic book is about his death! You'd think he'd be in the stupid thing for more then three pages! Let me skip ahead a bit while Adam Strange is having trouble with the Zeta Beam and see when he gets back into the story. Ten pages...twelve...sixteen...twenty...oh man. Hawkman isn't even in the rest of this thing! No wonder somebody forced somebody else to put "Featuring Adam Strange" on the cover! Otherwise they might have thought this was a Hawkman comic book! I mean, I'm sure they still thought it was a Hawkman comic book and not an Adam Strange comic book. But it's totally an Adam Strange comic book! Instead of "Featuring Adam Strange", it would have been more honest to put, above "Death of Hawkman", "Adam Strange in..."!

• I think I might have another lawsuit! I'm going to call my pretend lawyer!

• Yes! My pretend lawyer says he thinks we have a case! He seemed a little perturbed that I didn't want to sue for money. If I win, I get to put my scrotum in Dan Didio's mouth for fifteen seconds!

• Luckily Adam Strange's Zeta Beam didn't work because moments after not appearing in front of Alanna and her father, two Thanagarians walk into the lab and say, "Excuse me, do you serve Birdmen here?" Also they ignite the bombs on their chests and blow everything up. Including Alanna and her father. Although probably not.

• How embarrassing would it be to blow yourself up with another guy and then later when you appear in heaven, you go to high-five each other and realize the people you blew up aren't there in heaven with you! Or would it be more embarrassing to high-five in front of the people you just killed? That's kind of tacky, right?

Is this canon?!

• After the DMV and missing his ride to Rann, Adam Strange consults books and maps and does math as he tries to figure out how to get back to Rann. It's so exciting! Who wouldn't have decided the best option when telling this story wasn't to keep telling the story about the battle of Rann but to go back in time when Adam Strange was lost and had to look for directions back home! What a smart choice, Marc Andreyko!

• Adam can't figure out that map I scanned earlier. I guess it has too much information for him to process. So he takes it to Cyborg aboard the Justice League Watchtower. Who gave him a Justice League Identity Card and Teleport Key?!

• Apparently Adam needed to visit those five cities minus New York which makes it four cities so shut up. That's why he needed Cyborg's help! Cyborg, excited to be of some use to some member of the Justice League (even if it's Adam Strange of Justice League Canada), steps up and does the heroic thing! He operates the teleporter! Way to go, Cyborg! That's some of the best work you've done in years!

• Adam flashes his Justice League Identity Card to guards at all the locations he visits (WayneTech, LexCorps, Ferris Air, and Belle Reve) and they all let him in. Nobody says, "We haven't seen your stupid Zeta beam here!" Nobody says, "Get the fuck out! Justice League Canada! Ha ha!" Nobody says, "What's Batman really like?" It's all so unbelievable!

• Adam Strange is on the most boring adventure I've ever read in a comic book. I have to find my "This is totally unbelievable!" moments even in mundane bullshit like this!

• At Belle Reve, Adam asks if any prisoners have disappeared. You know, because of the Zeta Beam misfire! The guards assure him that nobody is missing as they walk by a cell with the name Despero on it. It's in the stasis wing where prisoners are kept in stasis (how is that for an unnecessary explanation?!) if you were wondering, "WHAT THE FUCK IS DESPERO DOING IN A CELL IN BELLE REVE?! HOLY SHIT! OH WAIT! WHY AM I GETTING SO EXCITED OVER A COMIC BOOK?!" I know, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, that that's a clue! The Zeta Beam must have grabbed Despero! Also, um, Despero is on the cover looking prison-escape smug!

• If Despero is missing from Belle Reve, that means other things from the other locations are probably missing too! So maybe Adam Strange and Hawkman will find a WayneTech accountant on Rann who will help them with a numbers puzzle! And then they'll run into a LexCorps Bizarro janitor who has some kind of deadly laser mop that will help them defeat a monster! And then they'll find Carol Ferris's underwear in a tree which they'll have to sniff because they're only human. Oh, and Thanagarian!

• Eventually, through no actions of his own, Adam is picked up by the Zeta Beam and returns to Rann to find it destroyed!

This is an unfortunate place to cut off Adam's statement. I mean, unfortunate in that I didn't feel like being aroused right now!

The Ranking!
-10! Okay, I guess that's a little harsh. For a comic book where Adam Strange goes to the DMV and then visits a few places on Earth and does nothing to solve the mystery or advance the plot in any way, it wasn't that bad! I mean, the comic is called Death of Hawkman! Somebody made that choice so I don't feel bad ranking that choice quite poorly. When you see the phrase "Death of Hawkman," you immediately think of Thanagarian space battles and hard, well-oiled pectoral muscles, and veiny, throbbing wings, and epic space battles with lasers, and racism! You don't think "Adam Strange having the most boring day ever!" I mean, that's reason enough to rank this comic book like shit! Even though, I mean, Adam Strange's boring day wasn't that terrible a read. If this had been called A Regular Day in the Life of Adam Strange (on Earth Without His Laser or Space Adventures, Just So You Know What You're Getting Into), I probably would have given it a +1!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2

Aha! Now I finally see why vampires are so romantic!

Last issue ended with good old Etta Candy having the blood sucked out of her neck by Vampire Joker. My half-heartedly educated guess (the guess isn't half-hearted; the education is) is that this will be the only "Vampire Clown" story of the 21st Century. That seems more like something that tried to take hold in the Eighties with It and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Maybe this century we'll get Werewolf Clowns or Mummy Clowns but I'm truly hoping that vampires are nearing their run of popularity. Somebody get Liches trending! Maybe in Pitch Perfect III, Fat Amy can be killed in a really hilarious moment that makes the audience laugh because, hey look! Amy is fat! Ha ha. Then Pitch Perfect IV's movie posters, when Fat Amy returns from the dead, can read, "The Lich is back!" Although I've never seen a fat lich so I don't know where the writers are going to find the humor in the fourth movie.

Remember the days when every fat character in every movie or television show had to be eating something in every scene they were in? Ha ha! Because they were fat! I've been rewatching Leave It To Beaver lately (I seem to do this every few years because it is awesome) and I've noticed in the first season, Larry Mondello is not really that fat. He's kind of the stocky kid that might become fat or could just as easily lose the fat as he gets older. But they have to have him with an apple or a candy bar in his hand in every scene he's in. I think that's the reason he became so much fatter in later seasons. Plus as a young kid, he probably thought his entire worth to the show was that he was fat, so he had to keep it up. Fucking directors made him fat by insisting that the entirety of his character was that he couldn't not eat. Fat people! Can you believe they actually eat food?! Ha ha! Control yourselves already!

I'm kind of like a fat person except instead of not being able to not eat, I'm not able to not write lots and lots of words! My whole premise for this commentary (mostly shtick just to make the commentary easier) was to just make every sentence one or two words. It would be like the notes of the commentary I was going to write. But I couldn't help writing that caption and then talking about vampires and then repeating myself about the way Hollywood treats fat characters which I've written about before but why not repeat material because I can't think up new shit to write about when I'm on nearly my 2401 DC comic book reviews and 17 Marvel comic book reviews and 1 review of an old Shade the Changing Man comic book. That's a lot of talking out of my ass. I think it might be unsustainable and I've reached Peak Ass Words! The whole system is on the verge of collapse! Which is why I was going to try to conserve some but like the old people in a drought who just can't let the fucking lawn go, I failed.

This issue is called "A Fellow of Infinite Jest" because The Joker is an immortal vampire and he loves to pull pranks. Also it's probably trying to sound literary by tying it to that old English Writer who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could have dinner with anybody living or dead, who would you choose?" Last issue Larry Hama made his story more literary by tying it to that blind poet who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could blow anybody living or dead, who would you choose?"

Idiot! You missed the obvious candy joke!

The Joker spends the next three pages not being funny at all. I guess he's making himself laugh though. And what's more important than making oneself laugh? It's all I spend time doing when I'm not eating or standing around with food in my hand or stalking publishers or talking to fish. Have you ever tried to tell a knock knock joke to a fish? They just don't get the premise at all!

Wonder Woman tells The Joker that he isn't funny and then breaks his neck. She's a harsher critic than I am. Then instead of finishing him off which would probably only take another second, she rushes off to save Steve Trevor. Ugh. He's such a princess.

Meanwhile Steve is busy shooting female vampires in the face and calling them sluts. He's such an old school romantic. His ministrations of love attract Poison Ivy and Were-Catwoman who begin trying to sell Steve on their succulent womanly treats. But this Steve Trevor is a man of the eighties! He's a one woman man who doesn't count his secretary and paid escorts as cheating. Also he's probably a bit nervous about having sex with vampires because they're constantly coming into contact with blood and Steve has been hearing an awful lot lately about this thing called AIDS.

Good thing Wonder Woman comes to the rescue!

Holy Cat Boobs, Batman!

Wonder Woman doesn't kill Poison Ivy or Catwoman immediately so they believe she's weak because she won't kill. Wonder Woman seems to confirm that she was trying not to kill them by saying, "That's it, then. No more holding back." But didn't she threaten to end The Joker the way the Batman couldn't? Was Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman also known for not killing, not even monsters like she probably encountered her whole life on Paradise Island? There were monsters there, right? If it has ties to Ancient Greece, it has monsters!

But now that the vampires have taunted her and have explained that they don't fear death, Wonder Woman decides it's okay to kill them all. I didn't realize it was okay to kill somebody who doesn't fear death! I have a new question to ask when interviewing prospective employees for my new business venture, Don't Worry This Is A Real Job And Not A Front For My Human Hunting Hobby, LLC.

You can't even not shit yourself, Steve! Stop acting so macho and ask for help!

Meanwhile The Joker and Etta have a good laugh about The Joker's broken neck. Good times.

Steve Trevor takes care of himself so well that he once again falls into the clutches of Poison Ivy and Catwoman. They bring him to The Joker who gives them permission to eat him. Wonder Woman might have a chance to save him but she's busy crying over spilt vampire everything. But she hallucinates Athena who tells her it was okay to murder these monsters in the same way I hallucinate my grandmother whenever I need to convince myself that I'm not going to hell for masturbating. That never actually helps.

Wonder Woman, having come to terms with killing, destroys Poison Ivy and Catwoman. But not soon enough. Steve Trevor has been turned and now she must destroy him as well to get to The Joker. She'll also have to kill Etta Candy but I have a feeling she'll relish that.

But first the earthquake needs to happen which opens up a chasm between Wonder Woman and her foes. The Joker commands them to jump across and kill her but Steve breaks from his thrall and tackles Etta into the pit while yelling back at Wonder Woman, "I regret nothing! Except maybe that time I told you I could fend for myself!"

Wonder Woman can't save him because she has to battle The Joker now. She knocks him in the pit but he comes back and then she stakes him and then she wins! She also has some thoughts during the battle.

No, they just forget the story because it makes no sense. What was hope doing in a box full of the world's evils? Did the person putting the package together decide that hope was no longer needed when the world had no evil to deal with? And did hope come out of the box or did Pandora shut the box with hope still left in it? And in that version of the story, is that a bad thing? Did hope not get restored to the world or did man retain hope? Why didn't somebody put a fucking lock on the box if they didn't want some curious asshole coming by and letting everything out? It's a dumb story and I'm going to go back to forgetting it right now.

To end the story, Wonder Woman quotes the Duke of Wellington for some reason. I guess Larry Hama loves to quote shit. Just look at his stupid titles for this Convergence thing!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2 Rating: 7.5 Perky Were-Cat Boobs out of 10. If you hate when comic book companies kill characters, then you should probably subtract five points from my rating because this story is really just about killing Etta Candy and Steve Trevor. I guess Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman isn't allowed to have any friends or lovers anymore. Get with the Modern Age, Diana! You have to be lonely and unfulfilled! Every hero must now be Batman because look at how many comic books he sells. Being completely consumed by your superhero identity and crime fighting lifestyle sells books, kids! Unless it's some other reason why people like Batman. Like the cape.

Divergence: Secret Six
"Six outcasts (or seven, if you count the murderous puppet) are thrown together and forced to carry out deadly missions by an anonymous force that hates their guts. They'll have to learn how to become a team pretty quickly, as survival is not guaranteed!"

The anonymous force is Mockingbird! The murderous puppet counts! Survival is, I'm pretty sure, guaranteed for a good majority of them!

I forgot this comic book even existed! I hope this issue reminds me of the characters and what was going on so I'll be up-to-date for when Issue #3 comes out in six months!

This story is about a museum security guard who gets caught up in a heist and a mass murder and the international ethics of stolen antiquities. The Secret Six have been called in to help protect The Eternity Gem while some other group has been hired to steal it. The other group fails. The end!

The Sneak Peek showcases Catman and Big Shot and Black Alice and Strix's battle techniques. It also highlights Ferdie's power of turning everything into a euphemism for sex and his tiny wooden wiener. Porcelain just wears a pink jacket and half a mask and hits a guy in the head with a hammer in one panel. This story was mostly just a reminder to everybody that this comic book hasn't been canceled!

Convergence #7

I really wish Scott Lobdell would stop getting writing credits on these. It's biasing my whole take on the story!

I just realized last night that Grant Morrison's title, Batman Incorporated, was a pun! It didn't just mean that Bruce Wayne was turning Batman into an international business! It was about Grant Morrison incorporating every aspect of The Batman's long history into a coherent story about the one man. Nothing was out of continuity for Morrison. He found a reason for it all and "incorporated" it into the Batman he wrote for years. He was even allowed to continue writing Preboot Batman into the Reboot and tie him to Snyder's Batman as well. That guy can blow my mind even when I'm not paying attention.

I mention that here because where else am I going to mention it? In the new blog I'll be starting soon about playing every computer role playing game ever made like the way the CRPG Addict is doing but doing it all Iron Man style? I think I'll use his list and I won't go as in depth into the games as he did (because he did that already! What am I? Stupid! No way! I'm lazy! Duh!). I'll just approach them with a strategy to try to beat them in one play. When I die, I die and move on to the next one. I need to think of a name for the blog though, preferably one that describes what the blog is about as opposed to this blog name which is totally awesome but doesn't mention comics in it anywhere at all.

Speaking of comics, let's discuss the one I have in front of me right now! Not in depth! I'm just going to do a shallow read of the comic while making snarky remarks about the art and the pacing and the characterizations and the plots. I won't even recognize the theme if it has one! That's for poetic nerds with hearts and brains and love. Themes! Pshaw!

Anyway, I think the theme of Convergence is "look how messy converging things can be. Kind of like pressing that slice of bread with peanut butter on it against that slice of bread with jelly on it. Smoooooooosh!"

Scott Lobdell must begin the writing on this issue because it stars Oracle and guess what?! He's making him speak! And he's doing a thing with his hand! I think maybe Scott Lobdell took offense that Jeff King had Supergirl call Oracle retarded last issue.

Fuck you! The least powerful people in any universe are the omniscient ones! Talk about lacking freewill! No wonder Oracle looks like a big drooping cock. He's the most impotent motherfucker in creation!

You're blind, you big dumby, because you're a huge liar! If you can't see what happens next then you aren't omniscient. Have you ever considered that you're one of those fucking psychics that truly think they're psychic because they don't understand the difference between random thoughts and visions of the future?! I hate you Oracle! I hope you die because you aren't listening to Superman! Also, I think he might die here which is why he can't see what happens next. Hmm. I wonder what Alan Moore comic book Scott Lobdell stole that one from?! I mean, you know, if it happens.

Oh man I hope it happens! I've never been so excited to turn a page! I might even go for a walk just to savor the moment! No, no! I can't wait! Here it goes!

Well, he hasn't died yet! But maybe before this is all over!

I like how a great writer can write the smallest story in the world that has huge philosophical implications but Scott Lobdell has to create a cosmic creature that knows everything that has zero impact on the reader. It's not the huge splash that awes the viewer. It's the body passing through the surface without leaving any evidence behind that is the real trick, you stupid, clumsy beast!

Superman is busy saving Stormwatch from the temporal and antimatter energy cascading all over the local space around the planet lodged in some weird, dimensional sphincter. It makes no sense! Not the space sphincter! Superman having to save Stormwatch! They've faced worse than this at least six times before breakfast!

Zilius Zox continues to not be dead for some reason. And Guy Gardner is back in his old uniform with the big boots and the snazzy vest. Maybe it's the temporal thingamajigs?

Is there a super hero that is some kind of cosmic midwife? That's who they need to save this planet! I bet Marvel has a ridiculous superhero like that!

While the New 52 heroes look on in horror at what amounts to just another random space event that they really could just be ignoring if they had other things to do which they don't because all of their titles are on hiatus, every other hero from DC Comics history are busy punching each other in the face on the surface of Planet Brainiac.

But it doesn't last for too many pages because it's not as exciting as it sounds. We live in the video game age where we can enact this battle any time we want!

I like how Aquaman decided to ride Grodd and how Supergirl is basically disintegrating Ocean Master.

These little maniac superheroes love to fight! It's hard to get a decent screenshot of these assholes because as soon as you stick one bad guy into the mix, they go fucking nuts! I had other shots with Captain Marvel and Catwoman and Metamorpho and Blue Beetle and Fastback and Black Lightning and Captain Atom but it took me too long to figure out the screen shots and by then they'd killed the bad guys and moved on to other parts of the screen. This time I trapped them in STAR Labs but then I forgot to add a bunch of the other characters before I added Harley Quinn and they all went apeshit about her arrival. No offense intended, Grodd.

Anyway, the fight in the comic book ends when Telos erupts out of the ground in giant form. At least the brawl part of the fight ends. Once Telos arrives, Deimos turns his attention on Telos while everybody else stops fighting to enjoy the show.

The New 52 characters get a sneak peek at the alternate versions of themselves that exist when Planet Brainiac belches or something. It probably makes sense if you want to spend any of your precious life actually thinking about it. I wish Omniscient Narrators still existed so they would explain the comic books to me and I could just shut off my brain. Except that wouldn't work because my brain would constantly nitpick the writing and the art because I'm one of those jerk nerds that just can't help being a troll. I wish I were dead!

Except my death would merely give Deimos more power. That's what everybody finds out when Yolanda mentions it to Dick. Wonder Woman overhears the message and tells everybody else. Everybody else goes, "I don't know who that is but she's probably telling the truth!" Then they stop fighting. Which is the exact opposite of what comic book characters would normally do! If there's a chance at a misunderstanding, they're supposed to keep fighting! None of this believing something somebody said just because Wonder Woman claimed the woman was telling the truth. Since when did whatever version of Wonder Woman that was gain the power of her lasso just by looking deeply and seductively into another woman's eyes? I mean besides in my Paradise Island fan fiction?

In the end, Telos gains the upper hand. Sort of.

I bet Telos was the first Brainiac!

The person who asks "Nothing?" is Parallax. He's killed so many things that he thinks he can just go around killing whomever he wants. I guess that's why he eventually becomes The Spectre, right? That guy is a righteous asshole!

Parallax disintegrates Deimos before he can reveal Telos's true identity. I say who cares! Unless he had the power to give him back all of his memories so that Telos could be and remember the person he once was, it doesn't matter. What connection does Telos have to that past? The only reason it's important is because it will probably be a good comic book revelation to the fans!

Since Deimos was full of time traveler chewy goodness, pieces of time get all over everything when he explodes. It also gets all over The New 52 universe because Planet Brainiac was mostly in that universe when Deimos died. Oracle catches most of it in the face and begins to disappear. Everybody shouts, "Hooray!" And then Oracle's final words are about how reality is breaking apart and everybody shouts, "Again?!"

Convergence #7 Rating: This issue scores Ten Dead Oracles out of Ten because the worst character in The New 52 has finally died! I hope. He'd better not come back! The comic wasn't actually good enough to score a ten out of ten but who cares anyway? Did I tell you guys that Steve Pugh began following me on Twitter for some reason? I guess he likes seeing old comic book covers and panels with stupid jokes posted underneath them because that's all I use it for. Did I also mention that I have 21 Convergence comic books left to read? What a hassle!

Did you see IGN's blurb for the new Batgirl series in the advertisements? "Not your Daddy's Batgirl." That's so gross! Why did they capitalize daddy? That's weird, right? IGN had this to say about Gotham Academy: "Slick, charming, and, dare we say it, fun." Why would you have to be dared to say fun?! Is it a bad word? Are you too cool for comic book school, IGN? You can't enjoy fun comics without making a big show about it? You're low self-esteem is showing!

The Nerdist.com says this about Gotham Academy: "A little bit CW television series and a little bit Harry Potter, with a wee touch of manga-inspired storytelling...." It isn't any of those things in those portions at all! Your recipe is all wrong, Nerdist! Nobody is fucking anybody so it isn't anything CW! And I haven't seen an ounce of magic! And you're only calling it manga because of Maps and her brother, you racists!

DC Comics really should have gone with my blurbs for the books!

Gotham Academy: "I'm so old that my crush on Maps looks super pervy and gross!" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Batgirl: "I thought the ad said, 'A reinvention from the boobs up!' and I was all, 'I'll read that!'" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Grayson: "How do I get DC to use my blurbs? Do I have to say things like 'Dick is so good that I can't put it down!' and 'I haven't loved Dick this much since college!'?" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

Futures End #37

John's okay. He keeps his heart in a hollowed out ruby in a sack made from the flesh of fifteen infants and stashed behind the commode.

Everybody in the House of Mystery seems surprised that Constantine isn't dead after being stabbed through the heart by Amethyst. Obviously none of them have been paying attention to anything. Constantine never dies. People near Constantine die! It is possible only Deadman is truly surprised and Zatanna is thinking, "Bah, he's just astrally projecting," and Madame Xanadu is thinking, "I knew this was going to happen."

Constantine's visit allows for Amethyst to remind everybody what happened on Gemworld for some reason. They were all there in her memory, so why is she explaining it to everybody?! The story reminds everybody that Constantine trapped the forces of Apokolips in Gemworld and saved everything. Maybe not all the forces of Apokolips but at least the forces that would have brought back Eclipso Technology to use against the Earth. But since he also trapped all the residents of Gemworld with the army of parademons, Amethyst is a little bit upset. But even though she hates him and just tried to kill him, she decides to let him help save Frankenstein. Sellout.

Why couldn't Madame Xanadu tell them this?! She's so useless!

I think I just pulled a muscle lifting a liter of Pepsi to my lips. I should probably stretch before drinking soda. I also wonder if anybody would be offended that I'm using The Holy Bible for a coaster?

I thought the "King James Version" on the Bible would be clearer. At least I'm not using that massive family Bible off to the right for my coaster! I'd need a much bigger drink for that.

On the Justice League satellite, Madison and Jason reconfigure the teleportation system so they can replicate the accident that caused them to merge. They're hoping to split and they're basing their experiment on the solid theory that one bump to the head causes amnesia while a second bump to the head fixes it. It's the oldest science in the book! Unless the book is The Bible. Good luck finding science in that thing!

While they have the teleporter in pieces, Doctor Polaris attacks Metropolis while screaming Firestorm's name. As if superheroes don't have enough trouble already being blamed for the actions of psychotic supervillains. Hopefully this will at least teach Madison to turn all of Doctor Polaris's armor bits into helium next time.

Hey! I just remembered that Jason Rusch wanted Madison to turn that cement truck into a feather but instead she turned it into a teddy bear. Feathers are organic, you jerk! She couldn't have done that even if she'd known what she was doing! At least the teddy bear she created could possibly have been made out of all synthetic materials. That whole organic/inorganic thing is a crazily arbitrary rule anyway. So Firestorm can manipulate the atoms of any element except carbon? What's so special about carbon? Maybe I'm using too stringent a definition of "organic matter" but at least things made of carbon is a rule that can be understood. It's still arbitrary though! I guess carbon bonds are just too tough for even Firestorm to break.

But then again, if we go with the carbon as organic matter rule, Firestorm can't make diamonds? Nobody would consider a diamond organic matter! So maybe Firestorm just can't change "living matter" because that would make Firestorm way too powerful and she'd be polymorphing supervillains left and right. Every villain in the DC Universe would suddenly be a duck in an adorable little costume.

Anyway, their experiment doesn't work. I bet they need Ronnie Raymond's corpse tossed into the mix.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Mercy gets tired of having to watch her tongue around Fifty Sue.

How does Mercy know nothing can survive her touch? Has she touched everything?

Seconds after this happens, everybody shits themselves as Fifty Sue and Twofer Lana Lang disappear along with the Cadmus DNA vault. I suppose Fifty Sue wants to figure out who her fifty-two real mothers and fathers are.

Then Mister Terrific gets a terrifying message from Brainiac that he's watching Mister Terrific as he lifts weights. Okay, so Brainiac is gay. That's a cool revelation. What isn't a cool revelation is that everybody is going batshit and apeshit and every other animal shit insane to be the first person in the world with a uSphere. What the hell is so exciting about new technology that is basically just old technology with one or two new features? People that line up for events at Apple Stores are fucking douches! Even if you are one of my readers! You shouldn't feel too bad about being a douche because of that though. At least you're being a douche in a harmless and inoffensive manner. I'm a douche because I call other people douches simply for doing things they enjoy! I'm a bitter old man douche!

That first guy in line had better be making money on being first in line! Either getting paid to hold the spot for some lazy asshole or maybe just holding the spot to sell to whoever wants to be the first with a uSphere badly enough. If I were the second guy in line, I'd either go home or poison the first guy. Who is going to want to hear your story about being "second in line!" to get a uSphere? I'll tell you who! Your mother!

Then Constantine gets his cigarette knocked out of his mouth by Superman and is lucky he doesn't lose any teeth. Superman is also lucky Constantine doesn't lose any teeth because Clark Kent does not make enough money to cover a fucking lawsuit. And you know Constantine knows some good lawyers that probably owe him the souls of their daughters. Constantine thinks Brainiac is going to land in Smallville while Superman just thinks Constantine is a fucking dick. He'd never say that though! Ma raised him better than that. And then she died horrifically in a car accident when he was seventeen. See where being nice got you, Ma?!

Then Terry McBatman gets punched in the face by Tim Drake and afterward Tim Drake wonders why his fist smells like vagina and gunpowder.

This is why!

Then Joker McBatman attacks everything and the comic book is over forever. Or at least until Wednesday.

Futures End #37 Rating: No change. Batman McBatman probably could have stopped Joker McBatman before he began raining bullets down on Tim and Terry but he was still trying to stuff his cum dripping, semi-hard cock back into his pants. For those who don't remember last issue, he was jerking off while watching Plastique and Terry fuck. Seriously! Maybe. Whatever. Am I not allowed to have my own headcanon where every character in the DC universe loves to masturbate?

Futures End #27

Lois Lane, you big dumb dumb! Stop doing risky things! Billy Batson isn't in love with you and won't be there to save your ass!

Here's my new Lois Lane web comic idea that I'm sure has never, ever, ever been done before! Ever!

I'll probably never draw another one because you get the idea. She'll continually encounter things that are scoops but not the scoop you'd normally expect Lois to be interested in! Totally hilarious! In the next one, she admires a bulldozer.

This issue begins on the Isle of Can It Get Any More Boringer?! That's the island where Green Arrow trains his army of archers that will be useless against everything. Unless the entire show revolves around him and then arrows are way better than bullets and practically the only thing that ever actually wounds anybody. As opposed to real life where a guy out on the streets shooting arrows might wound one person before he gets his ass maced by some pizza delivery woman just passing by. And especially as opposed to comic books where villains have super powers and should never, ever be brought down by a guy shooting arrows. Ever! My suspension of disbelief can only be bent so far before I scream "Uncle!" And a guy shooting arrows being good enough to join the Justice League? "UNCLE MOTHERFUCKER! UNCLE!"

Although he's still way better than some jerk who can swim well and speaks with fishies.

Speedy needs two quivers because he's not as accurate as Ollie.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane discovers that two people can play that game where you creepily wait for the other person to arrive and then say, "Hello! I've been waiting for you!" And the other person is all, "How the fuck long have you been waiting? You never could have known when I'd be back!" And the first person smiles slowly and puts their dick back in their pants.

This might be my favorite Red Robin moment yet in the entire New 52! I can't stand when people think they can pull weird fucking stalkery shit on you but it's suddenly "call the police time" when you break into their apartment and steal all of their underwear.

Tim tells Lois that Madison left him and Lois says, "Because you were lying to her, right?" Fuck that nonsense! She left because her stupid feelings were hurt because Tim didn't confide in her something that he wanted to leave in his past forever! She's an immature child to feel that her expectations of Tim are more important than Tim's reality. Fuck her! I hope she's currently a Brundlefly!

Tim Drake tells Lois Lane to go parachute into the middle of the ocean and, judging by the cover, she takes his advice! Without Superman around to save her! Or Jimmy Olsen to photograph her bravery! I think her brain was fried from Billy Batson's lightning bolt.

Over on Cadmus Island, Deathstroke tells Grifter that they can't leave the island until he finishes with some unfinished business.

Oh Grifter! Now you're being entertaining? Two years too late to keep your own title alive!

Mister Miracle scouts the island and finds a medical lab where they seem to be grafting Aquawoman onto an OMAC. Or something. Sometimes it's hard to tell what an artist is trying to get across in a scene. Especially if that artist is Tony S. Daniel and he's also the writer. Man, he's horrible at choreographing his own stories so that they make sense!

The Green Arrow Army Featuring Big Barda have finally located Cadmus Island and are moving in to battle the OMACs. And back at the Wounded Duck, Plastique and Terry McBatman are relaxing with some beers and discussing steezes. Which I totally know what they are because I'm down with the hip lingo, daddy-o.

Did Tim hire Alfred to tend bar while he's stalking Lois Lane?

Also, I think I just fell a little bit in love with Plastique.

She should have her own 50s sitcom.

Terry McBatman breaks into Tim's apartment and is immediately caught by The Batman which, I think, is a huge no-no! This has time paradox written all over it! But Plastique saves the day by blowing everybody to smithereens! Yay!

Finally, Lois Lane's pilot and friend Buck allows her to jump out of his plane into the middle of the ocean. What an asshole.

Futures End #27 Rating: +1 Ranking! Plastique is just so dreamy! *SIGH* Stop looking at her, you other readers! Fuck off! She's my crush now! Also, don't tell Tig because she's an evil vampire and she might not like me looking at other comic book women.

Futures End #23

Stuff is about to happen!

Hey DC Comics? Can you make this series more exciting? Thanks! Also, could you change the name? Futures End sounds stupid.

This issue begins strangely. Did somebody allow their teenaged boy to write copy for it?

"Microscopic badass"? "Winged A-hole"? "?!"? Wait. When did I start writing for DC?

Brainiac still wants to assimilate Hakwman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein so that Futures End #0 doesn't have to be redacted. The Engineer has become one of Brainiac's generals. She's different now because she has Brainiac dots on her head and no nano-nipples. It's also possible she doesn't have nano-nipples because DC is more conservative than Wildstorm.

They must have read Issue #0.

To escape, The Atom unminiaturizes the space ship where he was keeping it in his penis.

I don't make this shit up! Sometimes I don't have the visual proof to support the ludicrous things I say. But I do this time! So you should trust me every other time I say something crazy but don't bother to scan the picture for proof.

Even with that picture which obviously shows Atom pulling out his penis to eject a space ship out of it, you might think I'm being facetious. But look at Amethyst's face in that panel. She's absolutely shocked at what she's seeing! The Atom, contrary to what one might think, must be a show-er not a grower!

Stormwatch escapes in the Nan-Knight (get it? It's like nanite! But it's also like an armored grandmother! Wait. Now I don't get it) but they've taken The Engineer along which means they haven't escaped at all! She's part of Brainiac so now he knows exactly how to find them. If he even needs to chase after them. I'm pretty sure The Engineer can defeat The Atom, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein. Black Adam could be trouble but as long as she promises to get him back to Earth, he won't fight back.

Why is The Engineer still allowed to join super hero teams? I think she's been compromised well over eighty percent of her time in comics since The New 52 began. I can't remember how often she was hacked in The Authority because my memory is awful and I was distracted by her nano-nipples but I bet it was a lot!

Back on Earth, Madison Payne is having man problems. That's much more dramatic than a gigantic space battle. Please, let's spend many pages dealing with how angry she is at Tim Drake for lying to her about pretty much everything. How can she ever look at him the same way now that she knows everything he told her was a lie! She should just walk away since his name isn't his real name and his past isn't his real past and his truth was full of lies. But...but...she loves him!

How dare you try to put your past behind you by not letting the woman you love know your history so that she'd constantly be asking you about it! Asshole.

If I had been written by Scott Lobdell for three years, I'd want to forget about it too.

That's okay, Tim. Let her go. There are plenty of women out there that you can lie to and live happily ever after with. Unless Lois Lane publishes your secret. Although then you just get a new secret identity. I'm sure you have plenty of aliases ready to go. You don't grow up working with Batman without having a whole alphabet of plans to fall back on.

Yeah. And you're ignoring what's really important to him. So, you know what kids? Just chalk this one up to irreconcilable differences, mmkay?

Look, Madison is hurt because Tim didn't completely open up to her. But what the fuck does she want? Absolute honesty? Nobody can be absolutely honest with their partner in an intimate relationship! Because eventually you're going to reveal that one thing that's like taking the lid off of the Ark at the end of Raiders and your partner's face is going to distort and you're never going to come back from that much honesty ever. "For better or worse" is just something people say to get through the ceremony! Nobody really wants to hear the worst parts! Especially the worst parts that happened when you were a teenager and not quite a fully formed human being that understood risk and empathy and consequences! Those memories may be precious to the person they happened to because they helped form the adult the person later became. But they're most likely not going to be seen as cute, youthful indiscretions by your partner. And I don't mean the story about how you were jerked off by a bum outside the public library. I'm talking about the fucking your pet rabbit to death behind the garage kind of stories. I just picked that example at random! That wasn't any kind of confession!

Mad Payne walks out on Tim Drake who goes on to live a life of following her around and hiding in bushes. Madison goes on to begin another relationship with another guy who's harboring a secret: Ronnie Raymond! And his relationship breaking secret is that he's gay and not that he's 1/2 of Firestorm.

Meanwhile Frank Rock has become an old, forgotten war hero trying to relive the excitement and purpose of his past by turning into a manipulative, murdering Amanda Waller wannabe. He's trying to get the OPS, otherwise known as the Deadly Friends, otherwise known as Voodoo, Mercy, Bangers, and Mash, to take on one of his jobs.

Not the power of "a god" but the power of "the god." So she does nothing and ignores everybody while accepting the praise for performing miracles through doctors and firefighters and other people skilled at their jobs?

Meanwhile thirty-five years in the future (because I guess all time takes place at the same time and in the same brief instant as creation is here and gone in no actual time at all), Brother Eye has created his Terminator to travel back in time to kill Terry McBatman.

Isn't that clever?

Futures End #23 Rating: No change. Am I supposed to care about any of these characters? If so, I think I want Fifty Sue to win. And by win, I don't know what I mean. Is their a conflict in this comic book somewhere? I mean aside from the one between five years from now Mr. Terrific and Mr. Terrific thirty-five years into the future.