Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #20

Who shrunk Hal Jordan's lower torso?

• Previously on Green Lantern, time travel shenanigans were boring the fuck out of me. You know you're in for some terrible nonsense when Rip Hunter makes an appearance.

• I rarely prefer pre-Modern Age comics but I do miss when time travel stories were used for silly what-if bullshit. Now if there's some kind of time travel, it's always because something went wrong in the future which can only be changed in the present. Hmm. Maybe I've been reading time travel stories wrong. Maybe they're all just morality tales to make young readers aware that their actions have consequences! "See what happens when you don't do your chores? Your great-great-grandson will become a megalomaniac who takes over the entire universe! Good work, lazy!"

• Mogo is currently under attack from Prism Beasts. They're the hench-creatures of Sarko (he's the Cable guy of this time travel story) and they're immune to spectrum light. I think it has to do with their crystalline nature. But you know what beasts made of crystals probably aren't immune to? Bullets! If only Simon Baz's gun were here!

• John Stewart gets readers caught up on the story via a first page that's 80% Narration Box. He also spreads some outrageously inaccurate information.

First, no. Just because you say it, it doesn't make it true. Second, that may have been true at one time. But writers have become so lazy that whenever they need a threat to the Green Lantern Corps, they introduce an antagonist that isn't affected by the Green Lantern light. Its brand has been severely diluted in the modern era.

• Hal Jordan makes sure to put the period on the sentence "The Green Lanterns are fucked" by explaining to John that he's used every construct he can think of and focused all of his will power. Oh, well then! I guess that's that. Game over. Time to put away the pieces and stick it back up on the top shelf of the closet between Going to Jerusalem and Monopoly. I would be a bit skeptical that he tried every construct he could think of except that it's Hal Jordan. He's not exactly fueled by imagination. He probably tried a missile, a gun, a tank, a giant baseball bat, a bulldozer, a giant cat, and a tennis racket. None of them worked!

• After Hal reports that the creatures aren't affected by his ring, John's decision is to use more rings on them. He really does come from a military background, doesn't he?

• I probably don't need this bullet point but I just want to make it clear: John's plan doesn't work.

Sarko really is a major bad guy. Even Lex Luthor doesn't use infanticide metaphors!

• Hal realizes that he's to blame for the Prism Beasts due to his use of Krona's Gauntlet to forge a new Green Lantern ring. He buried the gauntlet on the planet where Sarko currently holds Gorin-sunn and Space Ape hostage. Well, that's an easy enough problem to solve! They've got Rip Hunter, after all. Just go back in time, dig up the gauntlet, and throw it in a nearby sun. If the premise of this story is that time travel can be used willy-nilly to constantly alter an ever-changing and fucking confusing future then maybe use time travel to your benefit! Stop fighting in the present and go back further in the past to fix the terrible present that is happening due to the terrible future that happened because of the current present! Or something.

• The Green Lantern Corps' plan is to battle the beasts to a standstill while Hal and Rip head off to dig up Krona's Gauntlet and keep it off of future Sarko's hand. That's almost the right plan! Use time travel, dum-dums!

• I know, I know. Rip Hunter probably can't time travel right now because he doesn't have the proper equipment. He might have explained it in a past issue but knowing that more time travel would just make the resolution too easy is explanation enough.

• Guy Gardner and Arkillo join the battle too.

Guy is as imaginative as Hal.

• Okay, he's less imaginative. After his giant baseball bat fails, he says, "Welp. I'm out of ideas." Good job, Guy. Good job.

• As Hal and Rip flee Mogo, the Green and Yellow Lanterns remove their rings and surrender to the Prism Beasts. Losers.

• Sarko reveals that his father knew Hal Jordan and Hal Jordan told his father where Krona's Gauntlet was buried. Since Sarko looks like a Korugarian and there are only a few people Hal would trust with that kind of information, Sarko's parents must be Soranik and Kyle Rayner. He's Sinestro's grandson. Who probably exists because Sinestro was too Goddamned lazy to do his chores.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #16

Imagine how many more copies this comic would have sold if the artist had gotten the scene right and put Guy in his Warrior costume.

The Review!
No change. Guy Gardner beats the shit out of Arkillo (and also the eyes and the teeth (but not the fingers. I mean, one finger! But not the fingers that Arkillo suddenly grew back that he didn't used to have)). Arkillo also beats the shit out of Guy Gardner. But Guy wins because he was raised by a man who always beat the shit out of him and called him a disappointment. This issue is basically just about how Guy Gardner's Daddy Issues make him tough. Stupid. I just want him to be tough because he's kind of stupid and stubborn. I guess maybe I'm supposed to feel sympathy for him now?

What about Batman's punch that knocked the bad attitude out of you? Did that punch also knock the memory of itself out of you, Guy?

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #14

People relied too much on hoping things would work out. And guess what? Things didn't!

• This issue begins with Guy Gardner catching Space Cabbie. Did I have a stroke? Am I imagining Pre-Crisis comic books that never actually happened but could have happened? My head has been feeling a little weird today but I chalked it up to having eaten too much carrot cake and not enough of the other stuff. You know the stuff. The stuff that grows out of the ground.

• Based on all the hullabaloo surrounding people's diets in this country (this country being the United States of America, if you couldn't tell by my brash confidence, pockets bulging with probably money, and the constant pretension that my cock is huge (have I not been pretensing that? Sometimes, as a United States Citizen, I forget to keep up with the rules and regulations of being a citizen. It's like never visiting tourist attractions in your home town. Anyway, huge. So large. Like, ten centimeters or something (also as a U.S. Citizen, I don't do the metric system so that measurement might be an exaggeration))), I decided to ask Lord Google about modern cases of scurvy. Apparently they still happen on occasion even though some doctor named Churchill in some Slate article has this advice: "You can have a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets a day, and that’ll give you enough vitamin C to keep you from contracting scurvy." I knew McDonald's could be healthy!

• At least that solves the mystery of why I don't have scurvy. I put ketchup on everything!

• Guy Gardner is hunting down rogue Sinestro Corps members. Maybe. I don't fucking know! Just read the stupid comic book if you need to know all of the precise details without any of my embellishments and digressions.

• Hal Jordan and Kyle Rayner embark on their own mission to find Hope. Judging by Kyle Rayner's attitude, he's been performing stand-up at open mic nights across the galaxy. Judging by his jokes, he's terrible at it. He may have mastered fear, love, anger, will, hope, compassion, and the other one but he's worse than a beginner at humor.

• Guy Gardner brings Space Cabbie back to Mogo where he tells them everything he's heard from fares about the rogue Sinestro Corps members. John's plan is to round them up and give them a choice: prison or enslavement. I mean, technically it's not enslavement. He calls it redemption. But the option to go to jail or to work with the Green Lantern Corps to protect the universe isn't much of a choice. How long do they have to spend in the Space Corps before they've been redeemed? Can they retire at that point?

• On a lava planet full of dragons (which might be Ysmault), Kyle and Hal discover Saint Walker being devoured by the Misery Mound.

You'll find artists often cover up a character's feet. Not because they can't draw feet. Feet are easy! What's difficult is drawing the full body of a character at the right size on a comic book page, either because it's easy to misjudge how much room you're using when you start drawing the head or because they don't want to bother with horizon and perspective to get the footing correct. There are absolutely no other reasons!

The Ranking!
No change! I guess it's time to get the Emotional Spectrum Machine up and running again. More colors equals more problems! And more problems equals easier to write stories!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #11

Now kiss!

The Review!
This issue begins by telling the story of how Larfleeze began working with Brainiac 2.0. It might be the most boring, unnecessary two pages of flashback in any comic story I've ever read¹. We learn that Brainiac 2.0 was in Larfleeze's junk pile and came back to life when Larfleeze tried to fuck it. They then became best friends due to their shared love of collecting things and being fucked.

I just made the flashback more interesting than it actually was, thus ruining my point about how boring and unnecessary it was.

I suppose if the flashback wasn't added to the comic book, fangenders would forever be wondering how the two of them came to be working together. Nobody would have ever come up with the theory that Larfleeze just collected the collector and they bonded over collecting. That's just too far outside of any imagination ever imagined.

Brainiac 2.0 is me in Junior High.

John Stewart comes up with a plan when he realizes Larfleeze is their real captor. When he thought it was Brainiac 2.0, he was all, "Poo! This is impossible! We're stuck! I've failed again!" And Guy was all, "At least you haven't blown us all up yet, amirite?!" Then John cried. But now he has a plan because he understands Larfleeze's greed, having been raised in America. Hopefully he won't have a flashback to his times in the Marines to explain his plan. Can't he ever remember that he was once an architect too? He's supposed to be a bridge-builder but Cullen Bunn just turned him into military thinker. Those are practically the opposite!

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan explains his vision of heaven to the last two Guardians and Kyle Rayner.

The universe being managed by hard light created through the use of six different emotions (plus willpower) is a totally acceptable theory. But a Green Lantern Heaven?! Get the fuck out!

John's plan seems to be to battle with the Yellow Lanterns until Larfleeze gets so distressed that some of his collectibles might kill each other that he'll try to separate them. Unless his actual plan is just to punch Soranik in the face because why not? Either way, I guess he's using a little bit of both of his pasts. He's using violence like he learned to use in the military. And he's using his architect's brain by realizing a greedy motherfucker who owns a building probably doesn't want that building to fall down.

Larfleeze falls for it and destroys the container before his collection can reduce itself through infighting. All this talk of collecting makes me realize I have less than a week to collect the rest of the Year of the Rooster skins on Overwatch! Why am I reading comic books and not playing video games? Life is so difficult!

Back on Mogo at the center of the universe, Hal Jordan has finally returned to reunite with the Green Lantern Corps. He finds them missing and panics for about three seconds before Mogo lets them know that communication with the Green Lantern Corps has returned and they're busy visiting Okaara. I guess I'll finally get to see how powerful Larfleeze is when he's in a real continuity comic book and not an off-shoot Giffen/DeMatteis universe.

The Ranking!
No change!

____________________________
¹Discounting stories written by Lobdell, DeFalco, Nocenti, Krul, Finch, and Liefeld. Probably a bunch of others I can't remember because my brain is kind.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #9

How am I supposed to stick to my pledge of seriousness when this is the fucking cover?!

Remember Convergence? It wasn't that long ago and it was terrible. It was awful. It was barely readable. Well it's back! The Green Lantern Corps have been placed inside yet another one of Brainiac's containers. At least this time they probably won't have to deal with DC's unresolved continuity issues. DC Comics really needs some serious therapy to figure out why they feel the need to constantly reboot their universe. Stop trying to make the perfect universe that makes absolute sense! Let shit get crazy and stupid. If at a later date you want to ignore some embarrassing hero somebody created, just fucking start ignoring it! There's no shame in taking control of your universe however you want. You don't owe the way-too-serious fangenders any answers! Stop trying to outguess the issues you think they're going to have with every move you make and just write interesting stories! Convergence sucked because it was an explanation masquerading as storytelling. It was a sloppy paint job on a car without an engine! You know what would have been better than Convergence? Just telling the writers to write whatever stories they want based on whatever continuity they wanted. Just open up the entire universe and let their imaginations run wild! Except for Scott Lobdell's imagination. You should probably put three or four editors on him and make sure they're telling him exactly what to write.

Humanoids with fins on their heads? Star fish conquerors? I never thought I'd say this but this looks like a job for Aquaman!

While the Green Lantern Corps and what's left of the Sinestro Corps are trapped in one of Brainiac's bottled worlds, Hal Jordan finds himself trapped in Emerald Space with Abin Sur. Is Emerald Space where Green Lanterns go to die? I don't think I'm going to get the answer to that question this issue (although if the question has already been answered in the past, I'm sure my secret source of Green Lantern knowledge will know it).

Back on Xudar, John Stewart realizes that the Starro spores must be in some kind of telepathic communication with Starro so he orders Green Lantern Rot Lop Fan to disrupt the communication. Rot Lop Fan does this by chanting his own terrible version of the Green Lantern Oath. "In loudest din or hush profound, my ears catch evil's slightest sound. Let those who toll out evil's knell, beware my power--the F-Sharp Bell!" I feel humiliated and depressed just retyping that! Rot Lop Fan doesn't even wear a Green Lantern Ring on his uniform; he's got a green bell. Who is this jerk and what makes him so special and completely annoying?

Rot Lop's F-Sharp Bell kills all of Starro's spores and saves the Xudarians. He also notices that the barrier is actually some kind of glass. That causes John to realize what's happened to them: they've been captured by Brainiac. Hopefully, seeing as how this is Rebirth, he doesn't remember Convergence and Futures End or else he might just kill himself rather than go through those bullshit stories a second time.

Back on Nok, Ganthet has summoned Kyle Rayner to save Hal Jordan's life. Hal is currently in the Emerald Space which seems to be inside his ring, or the green light of will in the emotional spectrum (which is, you know, in the ring!). So the White Lantern will bring Hal Jordan back to life. But Sinestro will have to find his own means of resurrection because you know there's no way he's going to stay dead!

The Ranking!
No change! Is it just me or do two books per month feel exactly like one book per month just spread out across forty pages?! Maybe it's just me and my need to rush through as many of these comic books as possible to put some kind of fucking dent in my comic book backlog! I'll get to really digressing and saying "fuck" a lot as soon as I get caught up and can take the time to do one comic book per day without falling into a reading deficit!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #7

Sinestro pulls off a negligibly sexy Butt/Boobs Showcase.

What's the proper way to express that a woman is sexually attracted to another person? It isn't by yelling "GOOOSH!" really loudly, is it? I'm, um, asking for a friend.

Sinestro couldn't defeat the Lanterns when they were powerless against anything yellow. What makes him think he can stop them now? Oh right! Pride and his huge Korugarian cock.

This issue begins in a way that I used to define as "Lobdelling it." The first page is full of Narration Boxes reminding the reader who the main character is and what his motivations might be. In Superboy's case, it was that he was created to be a living weapon. In Hal Jordan's case, it's because he watched his father throw his life away to the military to test planes that probably weren't going to fly straight. I think I'm supposed to turn the page with the feeling that Hal Jordan has overcome some serious hardships to find his true calling. But all I'm thinking is, "This guy needs some serious validation because of his Daddy Issues."

Lobdelled first pages always feel like a starter method for writers who aren't sure how to get back into the story after however they ended it the previous month. It's like I have to see their writing exercises to get their mojo-soaked juices flowing again. In Lobdell's case, it usually just means the next few pages are going to completely alter the previous issue's last few pages. I suppose in Venditti's case, he's just trying to set up some thematic elements that will reflect on Jordan's relationship with Sinestro. About 75% of that relationship is comparing cock sizes. That's why I mentioned Sinestro's cock earlier! It's an important aspect in his constant fuckfighting with Hal Jordan.

GOOOSH!

I suspect when I turn the page, I'm going to read ten pages of light construct battles where Hal makes a giant green bowling ball to deflect the giant yellow pins Sinestro sends at him. And then Hal will launch a huge green shuttlecock at Sinestro who will whip it back at Hal with a large yellow racket. Then Hal will create a giant green version of Sinestro and Sinestro will create a giant yellow version of Hal Jordan and I'll become too confused to keep masturbating to the fuckfight.

While this is going on, Lyssa is probably rubbing her engorged lady parts all over Guy Gardner's throbbing mandeal.

While that is going on, John Stewart is leading the Green Lantern Corps into battle.

I'd prefer a leader whose pre-speech battle doesn't strongly imply that we're all going to die.

For completists who read the first scanned panel and thought, "But how does Sinestro finish that statement?!", that second scanned panel is for you!

Hal Jordan's first move against Sinestro is to point out Sinestro's record against Hal Jordan. It's something like five billion to zero. Although I can see why Sinestro might think it's more like five billion to five billion since he'd see every battle they'd ever had in terms of how he beat Hal at first (one win!) but then Hal always came back to ultimately win the day (one loss!). I know that's how I track all of the women I've ever slept with. "Excuse me, would you like to go on a date that will obviously eventually lead to sex?" (One sexual partner!) "No." (Um, still one sexual partner, as far as my bros are concerned!) This is probably why the term "talked" has become synonymous with sex. Because a lot of guys are constantly striking out but they don't want to go into the details of the no sex, seeing as how that would shatter the illusion that they had sex!

The actual first move, in regards to light constructs, is this: Hal Jordan shoots a bunch of dildos at Sinestro while he creates a clawed receptacle to catch them. I think that sums up their relationship fairly well. This double splash page could also just have been Hal with his pants around his ankles pounding Sinestro in the ass while Sinestro cries tears of joy and mutters, "My greatest friend! My worst enemy!"

Sinestro points out that Hal Jordan might be the most stubborn man in the universe but he's really not that bright when it comes to tactics and strategy and crossword puzzles. But Hal Jordan is way ahead of Sinestro this time because Hal knows that too! That's why he didn't come up with the current plan to bring down Sinestro! That plan was thought up by the real greatest Green Lantern of all time! Guy Gardner! No wait. He's currently having the most painful and scariest sex ever with Lyssa. The person who came up with the plan probably has huge Daddy Issues that need to be resolved. So that would be...well shit. That could be anybody in the DC Universe. Oh! But it will probably be thematic to this story! So, um, what's her name! Sinestro's daughter! Soranik!

Soranik is busy freeing Guy Gardner and the other prisoners of the Fear Engine so it can be dismantled and Sinestro's power will drop from 1000% to the normal 100% that doesn't do any good against Hal Jordan's willpower. Soranik knocks out Lyssa and, somehow, none of Lyssa's sexy parts fall out of her negligible costume when she falls over. Darn.

Soranik, Guy, and all the prisoners flee the planet as Hal Jordan decides to crash and burn. I mean, he calls it a blaze of glory and a triumphant defeat but he spent all that time reminding readers about his dad's death and how he knew he would one day go out the same way. Hal turns himself into a Willpower Bomb and blows himself up, taking Warworld, Sinestro, and Lyssa with him. As Sinestro dies, he yells, "Lyssa, you idiot! Why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?!" Lyssa dies shrugging.

John and his army arrive just in time to see Warworld blow up. Good job, Green Lantern Corps! After that, Soranik, Guy, and all of the Yellow Lanterns who finally decided they didn't care about fighting at the side of a maniac who killed anybody who disappointed him. I guess the Green Lanterns have some new, and particularly horrible looking, new recruits? Maybe the Yellow Lanterns will become Guy's battalion. I mean, they already have a leader in Soranik but who fucking cares about Soranik?! She can be the female character that's entirely capable of being the hero but takes a back seat to the guy. A literal Guy this time!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking. I can't not raise the ranking of a comic book that just killed Hal Jordan and Sinestro, right?! I mean, I'm sure they weren't vaporized (although Sinestro had a skeletal hand just before the end, to demonstrate the raw power generated by Hal). They've probably been converted to light energy or something. I mean, Hal Jordan is still in the title of the comic book! This isn't "The Green Lantern Corps and Memories of Hal Jordan!"

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #6

Hal Jordan pulls off a negligibly sexy Butt/Boobs Showcase.

I considered trying to be more earnest while discussing the comic books I read because does the world really need another cynical voice to add to the cacophony? Sure, my cynical voice is the best cynical voice when it comes to comic books and putting your penis inside of things (that's a different blog! A secret blog!). Although it's a written cynical voice so technically, in this day and age, it isn't even better than even the most boring voice posting YouTube videos about the stupid comic books somebody jerked off on earlier in the day. Plus, whenever I see anybody raving about how awesome a terrible or mediocre comic book was, I involuntary start making the international sign for jerking off. Sometimes with both hands. I realize that too many earnest voices want to somehow ingratiate themselves into the professional comic book community by putting up videos where they show the comic book they read and then measure the erection it gave them (or the amount of vaginal juices it got flowing. I'm not sexist! I mean, I probably am. But right now I'm pretending I'm not!). People get so excited when a professional comments on the undeserved glowing review they may have given them. I'll tell you what I felt when I first realized comic book professionals knew about my blog: fucking terrified! I was all, "Wait. These are real people who actually search the Internet for comments about their work?! What are they? Masochists?!" And then my next thought was, "Oh shit. Most of them won't feel good about what I've written! Especially Cullen Bunn!" I didn't really mind if it hurt their feelings. I did mind that they might respond in a way that hurt my feelings! So, you know, maybe I should be nicer? And more earnest! Really get into a mindset where I feel the comic books are speaking to my sense of wonder and hope! Except, since those are dead, I realized fairly quickly that it just wouldn't be possible.

In other words, Robert Venditti's mother? If you're reading this? You probably shouldn't. I might not say any terrible things about your son! But it's also possible that I might say the most terrible things about him! Sorry!

Currently, John Stewart is ready to wage war on Sinestro's Warworld. Already, I can see the flaw in that plan! One side seems a whole lot more ready to fight a war than the other! You can probably figure it out if you think about it a little bit. Also, John Stewart isn't really known for winning wars. He's more known for committing genocide and failing himself over and over again.

Also waging war on Warworld? Hal Jordan and his army of light constructs! Now there's a guy who might possibly be stubborn enough to defeat Warworld single-handed.

Sinestro has to remove his dick from the Book of Parallax and turn his attention to Hal Jordan's attack. Lyssa is all, "The Book of Parallax told me I wouldn't be reaching climax tonight! Why did I even bother?! Oh, that's right. Because the Book of Parallax said I would! And then it said I would grumble about it! And then it said I would say how I said it said I would say it said I would grumble about it saying the thing it said I would say! Somebody kill me!" But Sinestro is all, "Darn it! It's my best friend and worst enemy! Hal Stupidface Jordan! That can mean only one thing: I'm about to be utterly humiliated! Again!"

If a woman ever said "What purpose would you have me serve, my lord?", I would say, "Hee hee hee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee hee! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" There's probably a reason I'm a virgin.

That last caption was fictional! It was just a joke! I've totally done it with at least two ladies! Possibly even three!

While Sinestro tries to shake the last of the semen out of his penis before putting on his uniform (otherwise he'll wind up with a sticky, slippery patch that smells like a blooming Callery Pear tree), Lyssa heads down to the Fear Engine to make sure it's pumping out enough fear to beat Hal Jordan. While down there, Guy Gardner gets a glimpse of her Parallaxes and hits on her. He uses words to hit on her but he's also hanging there naked, so I'm sure Lyssa would have noticed other clues as to Guy's interest in her.

I had to ask Lord Google for the name of the trees that smell like semen for that last paragraph. I first noticed the smell in my home town when I was in my late teens or early twenties. A neighbor had three of them growing on the patch of ground between the sidewalk and the street. I started referring to them as the semen trees. So when I asked Lord Google about the "trees that smell like semen," Lord Google responded with these great headlines from around the Internet: "Your Street Probably Smells Like Semen Right Now," "Meet the tree that's making your neighborhood smell like Semenville," "Spring is here! And so are the semen trees," and "the blooming of the jizz trees." I feel so much better knowing that everybody is walking around with the realization that trees are spooging all over their faces.

Here is a David Mitchell and Robert Webb skit about semen trees!

Guy Gardner is baptised in fear and shoved inside the Fear Machine. The reason is that Lyssa and the Administrator believe the fear of a Green Lantern will make it all the more powerful. But I have a feeling they're simply putting a wrench right up inside next to the most sensitive gears and whatnot. It might be different if they were powering an Asshole Machine or an Arrogance Machine or a Male Chauvinist Pig Machine. I don't see how Guy Gardner is going to help fuel a Fear Machine!

The Fear Engine powers up Sinestro to 1000%. That's a lot of percents! He then sends the rest of his army off to watch the battle between him and Hal Jordan. I don't get it! Sinestro always loses to Hal Jordan! Every single time! Doesn't he remember all of his humiliating defeats at Hal's hands? Why would he risk another one?! Just let your army defeat Hal as you take pot shots with your 1000% powered ring from the sidelines, Sinestro! Don't be a huge dum-dum! Bah. Oh well. Sinestro is sure to lose now. He might get close to defeating Hal but then Guy will probably rebel and screw up the Fear Machine and John Stewart will arrive with Mogo and the other Lanterns and the posse of intergalactic citizens. It's all going to fall apart! I mean, of course it is! You can't write a story that contradicts age old wisdom like "Pride Goeth Before Offal!"

The Rankings!
1. New Super-man (*)
2. Deathstork (*)
3. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
4. Suicide Squad (*)

It's going to start getting hard to really rank the comic books as I read them. Is this comic book really better than Suicide Squad? It's a tough call although Suicide Squad is basically a twelve page comic book while this one is more or less twenty pages. So it's doing more work and maintaining a coherent story while doing so. It probably has too many characters but when has that ever not been true for a comic book with "Green Lantern Corps" in its title? But both comics are doing things I like and also doing some things that bore the shit out of me. By the time the rankings are fully filled out, I imagine this comic will be right smack dab in the middle, maybe a little bit on the better than most side.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #3

Kilowog seems disturbed by Hal's ass.

The Sinestro Corps has cracked down on the universe and established order. Look, it's a comic book. Sometimes you're just going to have to buy into whatever the story tells you so that you don't begin thinking about how vast the universe is and how it can be "ordered" by any sentient mind. What does that even mean?! I suppose it means what it usually means when a tyrannical despot takes control. Order is whatever the despot wants it to be. Look at North Korea! Apparently if you don't sit up straight, you get the firing squad! Don't think I actually believe that. How naive do you think I am? Obviously the Kim Jong who was shot said something horrible in the restroom about the Kim Jong who could order him shot. And the Kim Jong who wound up in a repatriation summer camp was probably listening to the executed Kim Jong's vile slander! But the despotic Kim Jong probably didn't want people to know he had cameras hidden in the bathroom (and by hidden, I mean in plain view but everybody is ordered to pretend they don't see them and act as if they're not there) so he came up with the whole "not sitting up straight" gag as a reason for the execution. One thing this Kim Jong-everybody issue has made me realize is that people who would apply to be henchmen for The Joker actually exist. I always figured when The Joker killed a few too many henchmen, the other henchmen would be all "This is nuts!" and get the hell out of there. Or turn on The Joker, at least. But apparently in real life, the Kim Jong Henchmen just see an open seat higher up in the hierarchy and gladly fill it. And by "gladly," I mean they have no choice. Hmm, maybe that's why they continue to remain Kim Jong's Henchmen. Besides, Kim Jong-un has probably set up some glorious scenic apartments for the families of his closest Kim Jongs. The apartments probably have every amenity like hot water and electricity and an outhouse fairly close to the building and nozzles for the death gas which can be pumped into the entire apartment as soon as a Kim Jong betrays Kim Jong-un. They sound cozy!

Anyway, Hal Jordan needs to defeat Sinestro to save the universe. Again. But first he needs to reunite with the Green Lantern Corps. That's probably going to take about three more issues after this because it's a good way for the first trade to end.

Sinestro has apparently become the kind of satanist every mother of the late 70's and early 80's feared their Dungeons and Dragons playing, Black Sabbath listening children were becoming.

This Administer Lash guy is definitely some kind of Space Satanist. And I don't mean the Anton Lavey kind of Satanist! I mean the kind I mentioned in that caption above! The Rosemary's Baby kind of Satanist that doesn't really exist except maybe in small groups of three or four delusional individuals who really never do anything but pretend they would do horrible things. Occasionally that kind of Satanist comes into contact with a truly horrible person and you get Richard Ramirez. But he wasn't a Satanist. He was just a psychotic monster who used people's fear of Satanism to fuel his murder boner.

Administer Lash asks Sinestro if he's a believer and Sinestro, being a matter of fact kind of guy, basically says, "No but it's a cool tool, bro. Let's dish."

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan, all by himself, is out dismantling the Sinestro Corps twelve by twelve, or so. At least until the Yellow Lanterns in other parts of the universe begin instilling great fear in every sector. At that point, the Yellow Lantern rings begin to get more powerful. I think it's a trick! If the Green Lantern rings rely on the willpower of the user, it doesn't really matter how powerful the ring is, right? It's all about the person wearing it. So the Yellow Lantern rings probably get more powerful based on the fear of the opponent and not just the overall fear extant in the universe (although I must be wrong because that's what is happening. But I'm still explaining my trick, you stupid parenthetical reference!). How can a Yellow Lantern evoke even more fear in their opponent? By having the ring say, "Power Level Increasing!" The the opponent is all, "Oh shit!" That's a fear-based statement! So the ring's power actually does increase simply by allowing the opponent to hear that it's increasing! What a cool trick! My explanation is better but apparently the real explanation is that thing I said in the parenthetical aside.

All of the aliens across the universe being attacked by Sinestro's Yellow Lanterns are all whining about how they trusted Sinestro to keep order and be the law. Fuck them! They deserve what they get! Which is kind of scary because it's exactly what most Americans are doing now. I forgot for a moment, due to all the sci-fi trappings, that this was an allegory! Americans vote out of fear and get what they deserve. Well, that's what has happened to the universe now. For some reason, they thought a peace keeping group based on using fear was a great idea to keep everybody safe. And now they're learning it was all a scam! Sinestro used their fears to gain power! Could this allegory of American politics be any more apt?

Hal Jordan learns that one lone Green Lantern can't beat Sinestro's entire army. He's beaten and captured and ready to be thrown into the Fear Machine. That means the Green Lantern Corps have three issues to save him!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #2

I'd be pissed too if I'd been yanked out of my regular life to be written by Cullen Bunn.

The Review!
I'm not sure how I feel about this comic book. It's not bad and it very well may be good, actually. But I have no emotional investment in it. I also don't have any intellectual investment in it. I do happen to have a $2.99 investment in it which I think was probably a poor investment. One thing I find disappointing is that DC Comics keeps covering the same ground over and over again. Perhaps that's what their company-wide overhauls are all about. The New 52 alienated current fans so that DC could repeat the same old stories for five years without too many people noticing. And now with Rebirth, they get to repeat all of their stories again while painting them as something entirely new. But you can't fool me! I mean, you usually can fool me but sometimes, you totally can't! And this is one of those times! What makes DC think readers want to read yet another story about the Green Lantern Corps battling the Sinestro Corps? We've seen it! We've read it! Well, I mean, some people have read it! But I didn't read it the other times and I don't want to read it now! I'm already rereading the Death of Superman in Action Comics! And I think Tom King is sort of writing the Azrael story again in Batman except different somehow! And Wonder Woman! Christ! Wonder Woman is just reminding everybody that she has had a lot of stories and she's going to remember them all and figure out which ones are true! But while doing that, do I have to sit back and just reread all of her old stories?! Ugh! At least New Super-man is new! Chinese knock-offs are always quirky and entertaining!

The Commentary!
The Green Lantern Corps have returned to the regularly scheduled DC Universe. But in the process, they've lost 6801 members. What a disaster! I'm not sure, plot-wise, that needed to happen. What's the difference if I can't name 7185 Green Lanterns or 384 Green Lanterns?! It's still a non-zero number of Green Lanterns who will probably never appear on the page and who will never be introduced to the readers. It really doesn't make any difference at all!

Oh wait! I know what the difference probably is! It means their fight against the Sinestro Corps will be more difficult because the sizes of the armies are about equal now. Probably. How the hell should I know how many Yellow Lanterns there are?! I can barely remember the ones who have been named! Like Arkillo! And the gay samurai! And the one with three faces!

John Stewart doesn't want to risk any of the surviving Green Lanterns so he grounds them all on Mogo out in Space Sector Fuck If I Know. But since he doesn't give a shit about Guy--ormaybe he just trusts Guy more than the others?--John asks Guy to head out into the universe and see what's going on.

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan is embarrassing some Yellow Lanterns with his fists. Which, to be perfectly blunt, is total overkill because he already embarrassed them by causing them to shit their pants when they realized the great Hal Jordan was still alive. Fear Lanterns, my chocolate starfish! More like, um, Fearful Lanterns! Ha!

Can somebody knock Lyssa in the head so she forgets all about the Book of Parallax? I'm sick of prophecies steering the ship!

Sinestro, completely jacked up on Parallax Viagra, is ready to fuck the universe, completely and unforgivably! Other than that, I don't understand what his plans are to keep the universe ordered. As long as nobody says he's not the guy keeping order, are things okay? Can people do whatever they want as long as it isn't done in a chaotic manner? Like, they can shuffle some cards even though that's random and chaotic but at least it's an orderly way of creating chaos. But if they were to fling the cards all over the room, would that be frowned upon? Or would Sinestro not care as long as they shouted, "Srrsstrrr rrs rrrsssm!¹" I might get some of my questions answered in the next scene since Sinestro is going to have to calm Soranik down and get her back on his side.

Soranik isn't too concerned about the hows and whys of controlling the universe. She just wants to know why Sinestro allowed her to think he was impotent when he knew he could pop a Parallax and be strong and vigorous again. I think we all know the answer to that question, don't we? If you've been paying attention at all, you know Sinestro manipulated Soranik to help get what he wanted by playing on her Daddy Issues.

Whoa. According to this sound effect, quite severe Daddy Issues.

Sinestro doesn't have much time to gloat over how he completely betrayed his daughter's trust because he is interrupted by a message from one of his Corps Members that Hal Jordan is still alive. I'm taken completely by surprise that he doesn't call Hal his "greatest friend and worst enemy!" He does seem a bit scared that Hal Jordan suddenly appeared as a Green Lantern. It must suck to have goals and dreams but to constantly have them crushed by the same person over and over and over again. Sinestro is like that creature, Agrajag, Arthur Dent kept killing in every one of the creature's lives². Although maybe it's actually a blessing? What I wouldn't give to be able to point to some specific thing or person besides myself that has kept me from succeeding at anything. Sinestro is so lucky to have Hal.

The issue ends with Hal running into more Yellow Lanterns as they kidnap people from one of the planets they're supposed to be protecting. I guess it's how they feed the Fear Machine, whatever that is. Maybe it's just a euphemism for Sinesro's power³.
_____________________________________________
¹That's "Sinestro is awesome" with a Parallax in your mouth.
²At least up until their encounter at Stavro Mueller's Beta.
³"Sinestro's power" is a euphemism for Parallax⁴.
⁴"Parallax" is a euphemism for Sinestro's penis.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #1

This stoic looking fellow looks more like Hal Jordan than that giddy motherfucker on the cover of the Rebirth issue.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan was sitting around the exploded planet of Oa one day and thought, "Wait a second. Didn't this use to be a non-exploded planet? What the hell happened?!" So he raced off to find out what happened and just missed Sinestro pull up in his Warworld RV. That wasn't even the best part! The best part was when Lyssa came out in her everything-but-crotchless uniform, unrolled the awning, set up the lawn chairs, started a fire, and said, "Horseshoes or my pussy?" And Sinestro was all, "Horseshoes! Definitely horseshoes! Unless...wait! I have an idea! Let me go put some Parallax in my pants and see if anything moves!" Then Lyssa got out her tattered James Michener novel, sat in a lawn chair and sighed. Having read the Book of Parallax, she already knew Sinestro was too old to get it up. She also read the ending of her book in the Book of Parallax so she tossed it in the fire. But as she did, she realized she never actually finished the book and thus the ending she read in the Book of Parallax couldn't have been the ending of the book! "More like Book of Paradox!" she cleverly retorted. She saw Sinestro standing off in the distance beating at his crotch with a huge yellow dragon and sighed again. "Wish it was the Book of Pair of Cocks!"

But Hal Jordan missed all of that because he was off trying to find the Green Lantern Corps for some reason! I guess because he thinks of himself as a leader so he needs people to lead. Plus he had a brand new cool Green Lantern ring that he made all by himself and he desperately wanted to rub it in Guy Gardner's smug face.

Joween, Joween, Joween, Joween!

Hal Jordan has come to the planet Joween because, I assume, somebody stole somebody's man. Although is that really theft when the man has a will of his own? I mean, if my sexy lamp decided it wanted to light up somebody else's life, should I blame that somebody else or should I blame my sexy lamp?

I was pretty close with the guess about a man being missing! Except it's a lot of men that have gone missing. And women! And other entities gendered in a way that I can't comprehend being that they're aliens and probably have all sorts of different kinds of genitals that I wouldn't understand. I barely understand the genitals we have here on Earth!

While Hal beats up on leads to get more leads to beat up on so that he might eventually find his lost Corps, Sinestro stands on the balcony of his Recreational Vehicle waiting for the Parallax Viagra to kick in.

He's talking about sex with Lyssa. I think.

Somehow and somewhere, in some title I was apparently not reading, the Sinestro Corps have taken charge of the entire universe. I guess when Earth embraced the Sinestro Corps after it saved them from the Pope of Autism, it was representative of the Sinestro Corps being accepted by the entire universe. That's understandable because the Earth is really all that matters in the DC Universe. They're also the most stubborn, so if they can accept the Sinestro Corps as their saviors, why shouldn't the rest of the universe?

Sinestro's plan, now that the universe is in order, is to make everybody in the universe fear stepping out of line. That seems like reasonable. It's the only reason I don't go out and burn cars every night. I fear what would happen if somebody else decided to go out and burn cars every night! And while logically I know that my not burning cars is not preventing other people from burning cars, it still feels that by not burning cars myself, I'm somehow holding other people to the same terms. Think about that! That tacit agreement to not go around destroying everybody else's shit is the only thing holding civilization together! It's not the cops or the government or a religious moral code. It's just this vague hope that everybody else just toes the line along with you! It's why old people find teenagers so scary! Because they know teenagers care more about fun than getting along! Also because teenagers don't usually own their own property so what do they care if a bunch of cars burn? Oh man. I'm starting to fear teenagers!

Did I mention how Parallax looks like he's just an metaphor for Sinestro's manhood? Okay, I was pretty sure I'd mentioned it somewhere before. But, being Rebirth, I should point it out again. Parallax is just Sinestro's junk manifested into fear.

The scene shifts back to Joween where Green Lantern learns that the other Green Lanterns just disappeared into thin air a few months ago. I'm sure when he finds them, it'll be like the final scene on the beach in Goonies. "It was terrible! We were just going about our business when suddenly a pitch meeting of a half-assed idea caught us up in its gravity!" "I was minding my own business when suddenly I was being written by a hack in another universe!" "The octopus was the scariest part!"

While he's interviewing the brigands, Hal has an attack of Willpower. Or Fear. Or Diarrhea. That's the brown spectrum. Ba da dump!

Lyssa has to stand this way because the front of her outfit is Teen Plus Rated.

Soranik is surprised to see her father come around the corner looking forty years younger with a massive erection. Lyssa is all, "Daddy is feeling better! Which means Mommy will be soon!" No, seriously. She actually said that! That wasn't me paraphrasing! Those were the actual words she used! Oh, except for the Mommy line. I did add that. But the Daddy line was all hers!

Sinestro goes on and on about Sinestro's might which I guess I'd expect from somebody who thought they'd never get it up again. The members of the Sinestro Corps cheer his raging hard-on as he tells them about his renewed strength and power. But the only way to keep strength and power, he warns, is to use it! That's when Lyssa floods her shoes and collapses in a huge orgasm.

Venditti must be thanking all the gods of writing that Trump is happening right now. Allegory!

Soranik isn't happy about this turn of events because she was led to believe that she was going to be leader. Sinestro was supposed to die and she was supposed to use fear to instill order! I don't know how she would have done it any different though. Maybe the way I mentioned earlier. Just a low level fear jolt spread across all the residents of the universe so that they're too timid to cause trouble. That's different than what Sinestro plans to do only by degree, of course!

I really have a hard time remembering the name of any Sinestro Corps members whose outfits don't reach down to just under the top of their vagina so I'll just describe them. Triple Scoop Face and Skull in Jelly have arrived at Joween (Joween! Joween JOWEEEEEEEEEN!) to instill some fear. They don't realize that the fear tables are going to be turned against them when Hal Jordan steps out of the shadows and sprays his green spew all over them. The Yellow Lanterns are all, "*BBRRRRRRPPPPP*" and "*SQQQUUUIIIISSSSHHHLLLLEEEEZZ*", respectively, as they shit themselves.

Elsewhere in the universe, the Green Lantern Corps finally escape the shitty Lost Army bullshit they were shit shittily into. Normally I wouldn't point out that I feel any emotion at all because I almost certainly don't but I did smile at the double page spread of their arrival. I guess sometimes double page splashes are effective!

The Review!
Is this all it took for me to finally get back on board the Green Lantern Express as it barrels down the tracks to smash into the universe which Sinestro has maniacally tied to the tracks while twirling Lyssa's pubic mustache? I'm not good with analogies. Or metaphors. Or whatever that was I just attempeted. How about I just say I'm enjoying the DC Rebirth comic with the worst title, Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps? It shouldn't be any surprise though because I liked Venditti's Green Lantern when Hal was all by himself. Robert gets Hal and I'm hoping he gets Guy and John and Kilowog too! Oh, and he also seems to get Sinestro! Because this is a Sinestro I can appreciate! I think I can appreciate him because he's the villain who thinks he's the hero who simply appreciates order at any cost and not just that he's not being written by Cullen Bunn. I mean, that's a plus, but I like to believe that I've got some unbiased critical thoughts!

Green Lantern #51

John Romita Jr. had the opportunity to draw anything he could think of made out of Green Lantern light but instead he chooses to draw Hal Jordan as a Popsicle stick.

Rating: Not much happens in this issue so you can probably just skip it. Jim is like, "Hal! You're Hal!" And Hal is all, "Oh yeah! I should go find my friends!" And then Hal is all, "Here they are! But they've been captured! I guess I'll save them next issue!" And that's it! So unless you just feel you have to have a complete collection of Green Lantern books (or you can't live without a John Romita Jr. Hal Jordan Popsicle Stick), I'd skip this issue. I don't think I learned anything and Darlene didn't even say anything funny. Unless that part where she proved how disloyal she is was supposed to be funny! Oh yeah! I think it was! Ha ha! Good one.

Hal's brother Jim or Peter or whatever reminds the readers what's been happening in this comic book over the last year. It's the opposite of nice that DC Comics would rather waste five pages giving readers a synopsis of the current plot rather than going the Marvel route and just throwing a Previously page at the front of the book. Jim's not only telling the readers what's been happening but Hal as well because Hal doesn't remember who he is after the battle with Parallax. But even that doesn't really matter after Jim finishes his synopsis because Hal remembers who he is after his brother's speech. I used to get bitter and angry over this kind of wasted space in my expensive monthly comic books but my ass is so reamed out from DC's constant administrations that I hardly even notice now.

I'm lost. Who's Will?

Hal became solid light while battling Parallax which is something Hal's never heard of in all the time he's not listened to anything the Guardians have told him. So now he's off to find the Bohemian Guardians and the Green Lantern Corps because they might help solve the mystery. Or tell him it isn't a mystery at all and he should know that this kind of thing is possible because Kilowog screamed it into his face on his first day of training.

Meanwhile in space, Darlene, The Little Prince, and Trapper Keeper are being attacked by Gray Agents. They're probably after Hal Jordan but don't realize he's not aboard Darlene. I think they began tracking them on that planet with the Garbage Dump Thanagarian Gang. Prince and Trapper are taken prisoner. Good thing Hal is done with his business on Earth so he can come back and rescue them. I think that's a good thing. The Gray Agents are hunting for Hal so they're probably prepared for him. Everybody else in the universe seems to have a way to defend against the Universe's Greatest Weapon, so why not people hunting a Green Lantern?

Hal shows up at the end but finds he doesn't have any more pages to begin the battle because so many were wasted at the beginning. Now I'm really going to feel bitter when I purchase Green Lantern #52.

Batman and Robin Annual #3

Since the final issue didn't end in hugs, the series needed one final annual. Which will end in hugs, by God, or I'm going to curl up on the bathroom floor and weep! I will also do that if this ends in hugs!

In the final issue of Batman and Robin, Batman said that he was proud of the kid Damian had become. The problem is he said it to Alfred and not Damian. Come on, Batman! The kid is desperately searching for your approval! And even though Batman isn't known for giving out warm fuzzies, the kid kind of deserves some, don't you think? I suppose the best Batman is capable of is a some mildly tepid fuzzies.

Damian is hanging out in the backyard of Wayne Manor with Titus. He's keeping a close eye on the Justice League Satellite Brought To You By LexCorps through his spoiled rich kid telescope. Lucky little fucker has a computerized one that you can set to automatically move along with whatever you're looking at. My shitty telescope had the dials on the ends of flexible rods that you had to constantly keep adjusting if you wanted to keep Jupiter in sight for any length of time. And my stand was crap so even just turning the dials sometimes shifted things so you'd have to relocate the planet all over again. It was actually fucking cool and probably a more expensive telescope than my mom could really afford at the time. Still, I would love to have one of those fuckers Damian is using. Although, I think Bruce is a cheap bastard because can't he afford to build Damian a fucking observatory right in the backyard?

Damian decides voyeurism isn't as much fun as actually being a part of the thing observed, so he spends a few hours fixing up an old Justice League teleportation system and heads into space to visit dad.

Fucking Titus. How come Alfred Pennyworth the Cat and Batcow never get to go on away missions?

Batman and Robin wind up on the moon trying to solve The Mystery of the Uninvited Moon Guest. Batman gives Damian a brief history of moon landings which is totally ancient history because shit like this is never going to happen again. At least not by Americans. The moon landings happened in a time when people accepted the possibility of the loss of human life if the end results were spectacular enough to justify the risks involved. But now we live in a society so full of people ready to condemn, blame, and tear down that no results, no matter how grandiose, seem worth the risks. Now it seems like everybody is just waiting for the next person to fail so they can heap on abuse and feel gloriously self-righteous in not having been the person to fuck up. It's not all bad, of course. We need criticism and we need cynicism and we need to hold the powerful accountable. But some people think those tools should be used with equal fervor in every situation, from condemning Monsanto to calling out a person on Twitter who may once have made a comment that was easily, and purposefully, misunderstood just so the person calling the other person out could write a clickbait article and garner a brief moment of viral internet fame.

One of the major problems with how we connect as humans is that the few moments where we all seem to be focused on the same event and where we have a chance to bond through shared sentiment and empathy have all been disasters. Was the moon landing the last time Americans shared in an uplifting moment which sparked the imagination of a generation and seemed to erase any limits on what was possible? Maybe that time Richard Hatch won the first Survivor?

Anyway, Batman and Robin investigate the mysterious creatures living inside one of the Lunar Modules abandoned on the moon.

Gross. Their asses are on the tops of their heads. I bet the whole inside of the lunar module smells like brain farts.

The alien gibberish truly is just gibberish. That's to represent that even Batman can't make heads nor tails of what they're saying.

The aliens notice Batman and Robin clinging to the outside of their home so the hit the thrusters and the module flies off above the surface of the moon. Batman and Robin bail, hop in their lunar rover, and give chase!

Watch out for craters, Batman! And those huge rocks! Bounce!

Batman points out how the aliens look just like the astronauts did at the time of the moon landing. Except for the asses on the tops of their heads. That might be different. Damian's theory is that they're using the astronauts DNA to change into humans. Did the astronauts have jizz catchers for masturbation while on the moon?

The Dynamic Duo track the aliens to a distant crater where they find a gigantic alien spaceship. This is where Batman is supposed to get on his communicator and call in Planetary.

Instead of going in swinging his sword and trying to murder everybody the way the current Wonder Woman would, Batman tells Damian that they should investigate quietly to find out what's going on. It could all be just a bunch of harmless alien good times. And a proper detective detects before he wastes resources because resources cost money and most detectives never get paid because the dame is always double crossing them.

Batman manages to operate the alien technology that they've cobbled together since it's made from old Earth technology. He discovers that the aliens are indeed looking to make Earth their new home. That means Damian and Bruce get to bust alien bones. I'm unclear if Batman is okay with killing aliens. If they're sentient, he usually avoids death at all costs. But sometimes, depending on how many pages are left in the story or how neatly and quickly the plot has to be wrapped up, Batman doesn't give a shit about sentience.

During the fight scene, I realize that the aliens aren't speaking gibberish at all. They're just not using Old Portugese [sic] correctly! They're ignoring the actual sound the letters in the language are supposed to make and simply using their visual similarity to our alphabet. And the letters in the words are scrambled.

From left to right: "I have you now!" "Ha I got him!" "Ha I got him!" "Nonono, we can't let them escape!"

In the next panel as Batman kicks the shit out of them, they say things like "Aaaaa, my face! Ugh!" and "Oof!" and "No they are ruining our plan!" The earlier, much longer alien speech bubbles don't seem to have been as uniform as these. Or I'm just stumped trying to translate them. They seem to mention a shadow (when seeing Batman's shadow) and an intruder and one of them says, "Let me." I think the system was still experimental in the first scene where the alien speech was introduced!

The aliens begin to launch the space craft as Batman and Robin try to climb into the cockpit to stop it. Once they secure the cockpit, Batman shoves Damian through the door to the outside of the craft. If the mission is going to be a suicide mission, Batman wants all the glory himself. At least Damian gets to drive the Lunar Rover as he heads back to the shuttle. Which he'll get to fly all by himself when he goes to rescue his father. What a great day this has turned out to be!

Meanwhile, Alfred Pennyworth is stuffing his face full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"You are worms! Screw you and your family!"

Batman changes the coordinates on the ship so that it will crash into a volcano. He then ejects at crazy speeds inside the Earth's atmosphere and Damian catches him inside an open cargo bay door of the shuttle. But Batman is okay because some crates cushion his landing. Plus he opened his cape up which totally slowed down his momentum. Behind him, the ship crashes into a sea of lava and sinks. I guess that answers the question whether or not Batman kills aliens. Dick.

Batman thanks Damian for saving his life and Damian is all, "I can't wait to see the stupid look on Alfred's face when I tell him what we did while he stuffed his face full of ice cream!" And then Batman puts a hand on Damian's shoulder which, I suppose for Batman, is as close to a hug as he can manage. What was that I said earlier? Oh yeah! Dick.

Pearls? Jesus Christ, Batman. You sure know how to ruin a mood. "I see the universe as just one big murder scene, Boy!"

Batman and Robin Annual #3 Rating: Batman is a murderer of alien beings and he's shitty at monitor duty. Is he really supposed to leave his post to go on adventures with his son? I hope he gets fired.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32

Is this the first comic book cover to show two male characters masturbating in public?

They're not literally masturbating although the douchebag fucktwats of the world would say, "Red Hood and Speedy are literally masturbating on the cover of Red Hood #32!" No, they're metaphorically masturbating as they cock their phallic symbols. But it's not a subtle metaphor: the positioning of the weapons, the way both characters are in mid-cock, the cheesecake Starfire ready to take them both on on the hood of the car. Maybe even "masturbating" is a conclusion too far away to jump to; maybe they're just pulling out their pieces for the imminent three-way. Whatever the fuck is going on on this cover, it serves its purpose by reminding me one thing: Scott Lobdell is back!

I realize I've been reading Scott Lobdell's comic books all wrong. I've been trying to think about them. I've been expecting them to be more than they truly are. Lobdell has always written to his idea of the twelve year old boy comic book fan. Although way back when I was twelve and way back when I was a boy, Elfquest was my favorite thing in the world. Even then, I don't imagine I would have liked Lobdell's writing. I've spoken with some people who think back and believe Lobdell did a good job on X-Men years ago. I think those people are just forgetting that they were nearly twenty years younger and probably liked some really shitty comic books simply because they featured lots of costumed characters fighting lots of other costumed characters. And while those fans have matured over time, Lobdell has not. He's still writing to the same audience he assumed was reading his stuff years ago. He's trying to keep the gateway open for the twelve year old boy fans that only want to see action and side-boob! So to make sure Scott Lobdell gets a fair shake in my reviews, I now turn this commentary over to the twelve year old boy inside of me.

That wasn't meant to sound as pervy as it did.

This issue begins with Jason Todd taking a controversial ideological stand!

Me too, Red Hood! Fuck those terrorists!

Terrorists should just take whatever America tells them they should take! If they don't like our foreign policies and imperialist attitudes, why don't they fucking go to Mars? No wait! America owns Mars, you fuckers! Maybe they should go live on Ceres! No wait! America probably wants that too because it might have valuable minerals on it! Maybe they should just kill themselves and go to Hell! No wait! America wants Hell too! We could totally exploit all of that free labor. And just think of the neverending reserve of energy from the eternally burning pits of fire? Maybe the terrorists should just calm down and accept our way of life! Fucking bullies! Goddamn cowards! I can't wait to see Red Hood shoot a bunch of them in the face!

I'm on page two and still no shot of Starfire's tits or ass. Darn it!

Oh man! I commented too early on Red Hood's terrific speech! He has even more smarter things to say after the terrorists are cowards speech!

This might be the best thought out logical conclusion I've ever read!

Fucking terrorists! I can't believe someone would read a bumper sticker and then decide to kill themselves in their war against people that don't believe in their bumper sticker! Although I'm not quite sure how terrorists aren't getting their hands dirty. Isn't killing yourself to kill a bunch of innocent people that have no real power behind the idiotic decisions made by our government "committing" or "getting their hands dirty"? And by Jason's logic, he wouldn't mind them so much if they dressed up in a garish costume before doing it? Also, isn't what The Joker and The Penguin and all the others do "terrorism"? Don't they rule Gotham by making other people afraid? Isn't that also what The Batman does?! Except his targets are more focused than other terrorists.

I don't know! What do I know? Red Hood knows what he's doing because he's a hero! I'm just a stupid idiot kid trying to read the most awesomest comic book in the world! I also tend to say things that a twelve year old boy might not actually say but staying in character is hard in the face of the shittiest writing in the world!

It also has the shittiest art team apparently since this is how Jason Todd begins his attack on the terrorist ship he's infiltrated.

Panel before title page.

Title page. I guess he was using some kind of camouflage tech developed by Speedy.

Anyway, I'm sure all the inconsistencies will be explained away later. I'm just hoping for a little Starfire side-boob soon! But I'll have to wait because first Speedy arrives on the front of the plane to murder the pilots! Way to go, Speedy! The only way to stay sober is to find something to occupy your time! Murder is so much better than heroin!

Now that's a great opening line! And well worth taking the time to say while hoping the pilots don't tilt the plane or something crazy.

Red Hood totally throws some guy out of a window and begins shooting other guys in their faces. It must be the best job in the world getting to kill people without feeling the guilt and remorse of killing people because you've turned them into this completely evil other who are only out to destroy and terrify! Fuck man! I can't wait to join the marines! Get my hands on some weapons and legally kill me some terrorists! Or any brown person in some other country far away that I can assume is a terrorist!

The hologram might be showing signs of nationalism but I don't think it's currently being racist.

Starfire finally appears on the eighth page although her boobs are drawn like male pecs so I'm not scanning that! Gross! Then she says "squee" in a totally retarded way and Speedy points out that the internet is dumb. That's probably because Speedy doesn't like to hear people criticize him when he's totally acting like a person that needs to be criticized. It's much easier going on believing you're an awesome archer that arches the shit out of everything his pencil touches rather than hear that you're actually not a very good archer at all and you should probably stop writing already and retire.

There is a better way to prove to the internet that it's not wrong about your abilities other than telling the internet that it's wrong in its conclusions! What is that better way? Do a better job!

This is Scott not doing a better job at all. Does he not own a dictionary? There are a number of them on the internet! Oh, but that doesn't mean they're right though.

And just because I'm, for some reason, in the mood to point out errors in Lobdell's writing, here's another one.

I actually don't care that much about typos and sentences that were obviously reworked and wound up retaining some of the old sentence so that it reads like the one in the panel above. Look, we all do it. If you edit or have decent editors, they're caught and fixed and no harm done. No big deal. I probably have a number of typos in this commentary alone which won't be fixed until I reread it next month. The real issue I have is that Lobdell's turns of phrase, his story elements, his plots, and his characterizations are all half-assed month after month. This is a guy that doesn't give a shit about the scripts he turns in. This is a man that has no respect for the characters and thus no respect for the fans of those characters. And I'm sure twelve year old boy me would have said the exact same thing. Although I did seem to read and enjoy a lot of Marv Wolfman when I was that age, so maybe I would have been a fan of Lobdell as well. But times change. I will no longer defend Wolfman's current material just because I liked it when I was younger and I think Lobdell deserves the same treatment from those who might have enjoyed his stuff when they were younger. Let's just be honest. Lobdell's writing is terrible. We, the internet, can all agree on that, right? And for once, the internet is spot on about something.

The next few pages are full of hero worship as Roy and Jason stare out the window of a crashing plane and watch Starfire dismantle a nuclear bomb. While they watch, a "slap" sound effect is added for some reason. I don't think I want to know the reason. What could possibly be sla...no! No! I don't need to know what's going on.

I think at this point I have to admit that I couldn't do the pretend thing where I was enjoying Lobdell's writing. So it's back to criticizing every single little miniscule tiny teeny thing he does!

Speaking of criticizing Lobdell, I began watching the first season of Young Justice recently. I forget the lines and moments that led me to this theory, but I felt very quickly that Scott Lobdell stole most of the what he was doing for The New 52 from watching Young Justice. I made that declaration somewhere (I have too many rants and raves to remember where) a few days ago. And then I just recently watched the episode where Superboy finds his older brother in Cadmus. You know? The one that burns the Superman logo onto his chest backwards while looking into a mirror? Kind of the way H'el did? Anyway, back to Red Hood!

After America is saved, some villain in a swamp tries to be threatening while being a bumbling moron. He never gives his name so forget about him. Hopefully he'll never show up again. Meanwhile, The Outlaws are ambushed by an encephalo-magnetic pulse. I hate those things! They're knocked out and taken prisoner guest. Too bad they weren't killed.

Why is Roy wearing Hammer Pants?

Well if Man-Bat has to be anywhere, I'm glad he's in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That gives me one more reason to hate it!

SHADE has picked up a space ship that was sending this message: "Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran. You are our final hope." So Starfire enters the ship and then flies screaming back out of it. Now all of the readers are on the edges of their seats wondering what Scott Lobdell decided must have been inside the ship during the time he had to write the next script.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32 Rating: -2 Ranking. It's so nice to have Scott Lobdell back on this book. I don't mind if he ruins this one. But having him at the helm of Superman? That was simply blasphemy on DC's part. I would probably have more to say about it but my laptop's fan just conked out and now my laptop keeps trying to overheat. So I should probably deal with that before I completely crash my hard drive!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31

Lobo's arm is three times thicker than Starfire's waist. And Red Hood's head is about to be flatter than her ass.

Last issue ended with the return of Lobo from the Magenta Timeline. He's recently purchased a gun that can tattoo planets and he has it in mind to tattoo the fuck out of the Earth. But first he might be forced to engage in a civil discourse with Twat Lobo about which one of them is the real Lobo. In comic books, "real" doesn't have any significance. But I assure you, this Lobo is the real Lobo! If you don't agree with me, you're wrong. It doesn't matter that you're wrong since this is a comic book and, as I just said, reality doesn't hold its form very well in the pages of comic books. But you can still be wrong in the manner of having no taste because you enjoy stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say "sorry not sorry" all the time.

I think "stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say 'sorry not sorry' all the time" describes three-fourths of the users on Twitter.

Why should he be scared? There's not white dwarf close enough to our solar system to fuck us if it were turned into a black hole. Perhaps he just meant the radiation from the explosion when he blows the star into fuck all. But then he really wouldn't have to mention the black hole! I don't think Lobo knows how to threaten people correctly.

This is Lobo acting cocky and telling Roy all of his plans because Lobo doesn't remember what his actual role is in comic books anymore: that of a punching bag. When a character comes along and turns out to be the biggest bad-ass in the universe, his only real career choice is to be used to prove how bad-ass the good guys are when they kick his ass. I have a feeling that's going to happen here in a few pages. Speedy is about to take down Lobo! Remember that thing I said earlier about "reality" having no place in comic books?

Speedy brings up the same point I brought up about the black hole being too far from Earth and Lobo says, "Let me finish." Fuck me! I don't want to think like Roy Harper! But then Lobo continues with his plan and it's practically the whole radiation from the explosion deal but more focused and directed through Lobo's own will. It sounds pretty fucking convoluted when he has a gun that will do the same thing to the Earth if he'd just point it at the Earth. Enough with your cosmic death ray trick shots, Lobo! This is why you get defeated! Keep it simple, bastich!

Starfire and Jason Todd arrive in time to save Roy Harper from dying immediately. But they're still going to have to save him from dying slowly since parking a space ship on Lobo isn't the end of the fight.

Why couldn't Lobo have done this to Roy?

I have a feeling a good portion of the rest of his comic book is going to be a big brawl. I'll be back to comment if it gets interesting for some reason. In the meantime, listen to some waiting room music.

Um. You'll have to take care of the music part on your end. Sorry.

Okay I'm back! You should have sat around listening to music for about five minutes if you want to recreate the experience correctly. So the battle ends with Jason Todd and Kori defeated. The only person left to save the day is Speedy! Remember that thing I said earlier about Speedy taking down Lobo? That's probably happening soon, no matter how ludicrous it might seem. Anyway, how does he save everybody?

Nanotech is another word for magic.

Roy saves the day by using his brains to reprogram Lobo's weapons and turn the weapons around on Lobo. The how or why of it doesn't really matter since we all understand technobabble and Nanogods out of machines, right? The real point wasn't how Roy excitingly defeats Lobo (because it wasn't exciting at all). The real point was about that thing you might remember I said earlier. You know, about the punching bag?

Yes, Roy defeated Lobo. He's magnificent. Is there a word that sounds like "hooray" but actually means "yawn"? That's the word I want to use here.

Meanwhile, Lobo and his henchmen were teleported somewhere across the galaxy. Lobo checks out Roy's Roybot and discovers how he pulled off his little trick by doing the same thing to his coworkers. And just like that, Lobo has a weapon to sell thanks to Speedy! That's theft of intellectual property, you jerk!

Which is basically what Twat Lobo says when he finally catches a sign of Lobo. Dammit! First I'm thinking like fucking Roy Harper, and now I'm thinking like that idiot Twat Lobo! I hate myself! Although the last page of the comic book does allow me to say this phrase one more time: remember that thing I said about Lobo and Twat Lobo engaging in civil discourse?

Sorry not sorry.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31 Rating: No change. This was basically a typical Lobo appearance. The best part was how Lobo just kind of took it all in stride since he still wound up with a piece of technology that he could sell. The worst part was how Roy Harper survived an encounter with Lobo.