Futures End #23

Stuff is about to happen!

Hey DC Comics? Can you make this series more exciting? Thanks! Also, could you change the name? Futures End sounds stupid.

This issue begins strangely. Did somebody allow their teenaged boy to write copy for it?

"Microscopic badass"? "Winged A-hole"? "?!"? Wait. When did I start writing for DC?

Brainiac still wants to assimilate Hakwman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein so that Futures End #0 doesn't have to be redacted. The Engineer has become one of Brainiac's generals. She's different now because she has Brainiac dots on her head and no nano-nipples. It's also possible she doesn't have nano-nipples because DC is more conservative than Wildstorm.

They must have read Issue #0.

To escape, The Atom unminiaturizes the space ship where he was keeping it in his penis.

I don't make this shit up! Sometimes I don't have the visual proof to support the ludicrous things I say. But I do this time! So you should trust me every other time I say something crazy but don't bother to scan the picture for proof.

Even with that picture which obviously shows Atom pulling out his penis to eject a space ship out of it, you might think I'm being facetious. But look at Amethyst's face in that panel. She's absolutely shocked at what she's seeing! The Atom, contrary to what one might think, must be a show-er not a grower!

Stormwatch escapes in the Nan-Knight (get it? It's like nanite! But it's also like an armored grandmother! Wait. Now I don't get it) but they've taken The Engineer along which means they haven't escaped at all! She's part of Brainiac so now he knows exactly how to find them. If he even needs to chase after them. I'm pretty sure The Engineer can defeat The Atom, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein. Black Adam could be trouble but as long as she promises to get him back to Earth, he won't fight back.

Why is The Engineer still allowed to join super hero teams? I think she's been compromised well over eighty percent of her time in comics since The New 52 began. I can't remember how often she was hacked in The Authority because my memory is awful and I was distracted by her nano-nipples but I bet it was a lot!

Back on Earth, Madison Payne is having man problems. That's much more dramatic than a gigantic space battle. Please, let's spend many pages dealing with how angry she is at Tim Drake for lying to her about pretty much everything. How can she ever look at him the same way now that she knows everything he told her was a lie! She should just walk away since his name isn't his real name and his past isn't his real past and his truth was full of lies. But...but...she loves him!

How dare you try to put your past behind you by not letting the woman you love know your history so that she'd constantly be asking you about it! Asshole.

If I had been written by Scott Lobdell for three years, I'd want to forget about it too.

That's okay, Tim. Let her go. There are plenty of women out there that you can lie to and live happily ever after with. Unless Lois Lane publishes your secret. Although then you just get a new secret identity. I'm sure you have plenty of aliases ready to go. You don't grow up working with Batman without having a whole alphabet of plans to fall back on.

Yeah. And you're ignoring what's really important to him. So, you know what kids? Just chalk this one up to irreconcilable differences, mmkay?

Look, Madison is hurt because Tim didn't completely open up to her. But what the fuck does she want? Absolute honesty? Nobody can be absolutely honest with their partner in an intimate relationship! Because eventually you're going to reveal that one thing that's like taking the lid off of the Ark at the end of Raiders and your partner's face is going to distort and you're never going to come back from that much honesty ever. "For better or worse" is just something people say to get through the ceremony! Nobody really wants to hear the worst parts! Especially the worst parts that happened when you were a teenager and not quite a fully formed human being that understood risk and empathy and consequences! Those memories may be precious to the person they happened to because they helped form the adult the person later became. But they're most likely not going to be seen as cute, youthful indiscretions by your partner. And I don't mean the story about how you were jerked off by a bum outside the public library. I'm talking about the fucking your pet rabbit to death behind the garage kind of stories. I just picked that example at random! That wasn't any kind of confession!

Mad Payne walks out on Tim Drake who goes on to live a life of following her around and hiding in bushes. Madison goes on to begin another relationship with another guy who's harboring a secret: Ronnie Raymond! And his relationship breaking secret is that he's gay and not that he's 1/2 of Firestorm.

Meanwhile Frank Rock has become an old, forgotten war hero trying to relive the excitement and purpose of his past by turning into a manipulative, murdering Amanda Waller wannabe. He's trying to get the OPS, otherwise known as the Deadly Friends, otherwise known as Voodoo, Mercy, Bangers, and Mash, to take on one of his jobs.

Not the power of "a god" but the power of "the god." So she does nothing and ignores everybody while accepting the praise for performing miracles through doctors and firefighters and other people skilled at their jobs?

Meanwhile thirty-five years in the future (because I guess all time takes place at the same time and in the same brief instant as creation is here and gone in no actual time at all), Brother Eye has created his Terminator to travel back in time to kill Terry McBatman.

Isn't that clever?

Futures End #23 Rating: No change. Am I supposed to care about any of these characters? If so, I think I want Fifty Sue to win. And by win, I don't know what I mean. Is their a conflict in this comic book somewhere? I mean aside from the one between five years from now Mr. Terrific and Mr. Terrific thirty-five years into the future.

Futures End #12

Of course when you send a group of heroes to fight a high technological threat in deep space, you want to arm them with melee weapons.

Current status: Hungry.
Supplemental Status: Not hungry enough to overcome laziness.

People are constantly wondering when the future will arrive and we'll have teleporters and food replicators and hover cars and jet packs. I just want a mind-controlled food replicator that teleports the food into my stomach. We're in the year 2014 and we're not better off than the hunter/gatherers of yore! I probably have more to say about this but now I can't get the superhero name, Yore Mom, out of my head. Maybe she can team up with Madame Edamame!

Oh! I just realized how we are better off than those stupid ancestors of ours although I never utilize this civilized option: food delivery! Why am I not taking advantage of this astounding invention? Is it possible I'm not hungry enough nor am I lazy enough to overcome how ultimately cheap I am?! Yeah, I think that's it.

I probably shouldn't call my ancestors "stupid." They were smart enough to survive long enough to fuck so that eventually I would be here, miserable and hungry and awash in multiple existentialist crises! The jerks!

Has the future arrived yet? I'm still hungry! I guess I have to read a comic book on an empty stomach. Nobody has ever had it so rough.

Currently in Futures End, Frankenstein, Hawkman, and Amethyst have discovered a planet full of robots with that secret Futures End symbol on their faces! This must be the planet of the Evil Mr Smarty Pants (that's the non-gender specific form of "mister." You know the one. The one I just declared exists). The robots are not very happy to meet them nor are they very good at the science.

Why differentiate "necrotic" from "carbon-based"? And isn't Hawkman technically an Nth Metal based life form?

The robots seem to be a combination of Geiger's alien and Lucas's battle droids. They also have all the effectiveness of Stormtroopers because they can't even beat three people armed with medieval weapons. The Engineer appears on the scene although she's switched sides. She spouts some nonsense in binary and subdues the heroes all by herself.

Anybody have any ideas what the Evil Mr Smarty Pants three circles connected by two lines symbol might stand for? It just looks like a water molecule to me. Except all the atoms are the same size, so that can't be it. It could represent ozone except I think ozone's three oxygen molecules bind in three ways, so forget I even brought it up. It could just be a really easy maze! Maybe it's a representation of a reproductive system? It could also be the symbol for the way DC can only think up Borg-like threats to the universe where the bad guy constantly assimilates everybody else to become like-minded circles!

Back on earth, a bunch of stuff is happening between Voodoo and Faraday and some person named Mercy that's actually named Courtney so might be Stargirl five years down the line and post punked to the hilt. It's all written in a way that doesn't let the reader know anything that's actually going on but supposed to make the reader think, "I'm so excited to find out what's going on!" Of course, I'm just thinking, "Tell me what the fuck is going on, you stupid fucking comic book assholes! Stop stringing me along not telling me what the story I'm reading is all about before I stop reading your stupid fucking story and burn down the local church!"

My anger can get out of control sometimes. Especially when I'm hungry! According to Snickers commercials (unless it's a different candy bar), I must look like the television well girl from Ringu right now!

"Love that song"? I can get that it's perfect on hold music, but love? I wonder if Voodoo ever stripped to it?

After a short scene in which Rampage finds out that the man she broke out of prison (Ethan) never meant to cure her, the comic book jumps thirty-five years into the future for a short visit with The Joker in Akrham. Brother Eye has a plan for him. Of course, it's a plan that the reader can only speculate about, seeing as how the issue ends before it is revealed.

Being that Infinite Crisis had a half-Batman, half-Joker picture, I suppose they're going to be surgically conjoined.

Futures End #12 Rating: No change. If you're not reading this series, don't worry about picking it up yet. I think it's still on the prologue!

Futures End #11

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KISS YOU NOW!"

The Non-Certified Spouse sent me a link to this Salon article yesterday because she wanted me to vomit, I suppose. Salon is one of those sites I can't stand even though I've probably read less than a handful of articles on it over the years. I just don't like news sites or pseudo-news sites or editorial sites masquerading as news sites or entertainment sites that I mistakenly call news sites. They're usually 90% advertisements which slow down my browser and remind me that suicide is always an option. But I went to read this article yesterday and it was one of the most self-congratulatory pieces I think I've ever read in my entire 532 year life of living darkness. I implore you all to read the entire thing even though the title and subtitle say it all.

I'm Sorry For Coining the Phrase "Manic Pixie Dream Girl"
In 2007, I invented the term in a review. Then I watched in queasy disbelief as it seemed to take over pop culture
By Nathan "I'm Sorry For Being Such A Pop Culture Genius That I Broke the Internet" Rabin

I understand being excited about creating a phrase that you subsequently see used over and over again by the masses. Don't forget, I was the one that came up with the term "onstage masturbation cage." Instead of writing a falsely apologetic article for creating a term that has been embraced by people in a way you didn't want it to be embraced, Nathan should have just written an article entitled, "I Wrote This Article To Mention How Cameron Crowe Knew My Name!" Then the main body of the article should have just been a picture of himself naked in a cage on a stage masturbating into his own mouth.

Oh wait! I just realized that this is when I coin the phrase "onstage masturbation cage!" Being a time traveler of living darkness tends to screw with my memories a bit. Anyway, the phrase describes the place where people call attention to themselves so they can apologize for something they did simply to remind everybody of that thing they did. Example: "Jesus fucking Christ? Is Nathan Rabin back inside his onstage masturbation cage?!"

I don't want to go through the whole process of registering at urban dictionary, so somebody that's already registered there, please enter "onstage masturbation cage" with my definition and example, okay? Thanks!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, here's an essay I just wrote:

I'm Sorry For Being So Good At The Internet
By Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP! EJACULATE! GUZZLE GUZZLE GUZZLE GUZZLE! BOW!

Okay, enough of that! Let me get out of my onstage masturbation cage and begin reading Futures End.

Grifter's sidekick whom we haven't seen since issue one (I believe), Justin, has finally decided that Grifter is officially missing. The plan when Grifter goes missing is to head down the street to where Voodoo hangs out, just where I said she'd be about ten commentaries ago.

Although I thought she'd be stripping. This is better.

Why wasn't Justin in the Grifter comic book when it was restarted for The New 52? I think I would have liked the book better if he'd had a nerdy sidekick helping him to kill aliens during the week and to play Dungeons and Dragons with on the weekends. I wonder if I can convince somebody at DC to use my game, Places and Predators, as the standard replacement for when they want to mention someone plays Dungeons and Dragons? And by "someone," I mean "Batman."

Meanwhile in Deepest Space, Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst are searching for the last living member of Stormwatch. I hope as they search, they learn something about the big menace from space because in monthly comic book years, Futures End has already lived nearly a year with no mention of an Evil Mr Smarty Pants (aside from Mister Terrific and Brother Eye who aren't really threats yet anyway).

While on the trip, we learn that Frankenstein doesn't have a sense of humor which is why he thinks Milton Berle was a poet. What a dumb dumb head!

Speaking of Milton Berle, it was kind of an urban legend about Soupy Sales that generated my blog name! He supposedly said, "If you see Kay," on his kids show. I don't remember when I first heard that but then years later, my friend Pickle Boy was trying to tell me how genius Britney Spears was for coming up with the song "If You Seek Amy." Granted, I like that better than "if you see Kay," but it doesn't make her a genius for coming up with something that's already been out there for decades! Anyway, I wanted my own "if you see Kay," so I came up with "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea." It's not as elegant but then I never claimed to be as smart as the urban legend version of Soupy Sales!

Speaking of poets like Milton Berle and Soupy Sales, my favorite poets are Louis CK and pretty much all the other poets in the Comedians of Comedy movie (which really should have been called Poets of Poetry). The best part of that movie is when the poets shop at my local comic book store!

Anyway, Hawkman crashes their ship almost immediately.

After surviving a free fall crash from orbit, it would be really embarrassing to die of smoke inhalation.

Frank probably doesn't need to worry about smoke but where there's smoke, there's FIRE! FIRE! AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHH! BAD! BAD! FIRE!, so he should probably get out of the ship too.

They exit the ship to find that they've landed in some kind of metal crater. I hope they're on the home of The Cancelator so I stop being completely bored by this crap! Or, and this will satisfy me as well, a long, hot, steamy sex scene between Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst. Come on, DC. Let's shatter mainstream comic book expectations!

Although now that I've sat here and thought about the sex scene for the last few hours while forgetting about everything else I was doing, I wonder if Frank has a penis? If he doesn't have one, Hawkman can just cut off his and sew it onto Frank. Then Hawkman will just wait for the Nth metal to regrow his penis, and it's "Hello Sex City, Here We Come!"

Does Hawkman's Nth metal grow back every part of his body that was ever lost? That would mean he's definitely uncircumcised (which I expect is already the truth since I suspect every other race in the universe found a much more pleasant way of dealing with smegma). But does it mean his wisdom teeth keep crowding back into his mouth? What about his tonsils? Appendix? Anal hymen? That's a thing, right?

Back on Earth, The Mighty, Mighty, Morphin' Anger Ranger makes his debut outside ancient, forgotten ruins.

While the Justice League should probably be dealing with the new maniac in the Madagascar Sea, they're instead kidnapping civilians from strip clubs. The civilian in question is Ronnie Raymond and he was probably in a strip club to prove to himself that he's interested in putting his pee-pee inside a woman's vee-vee. He's not interested in that but he's desperate to convince himself he is because he and his life partner, Jason Rusch, have recently had a serious falling out.

So immature how he refers to "doing it" as "merging"!

Ronnie Raymond comes clean about being busy "with a girl" when Green Arrow was getting killed. I still think it's ridiculous that anybody is trying to blame him for Green Arrow's death! How about putting a little responsibility on the guy that goes to war armed only with a bow and arrow against foes with super powers? How about blaming The Flash for not getting their fast enough? Or Madame Xanadu for not seeing this future? Or Superman for not saving everybody always? How about blaming the person that actually killed Green Arrow?! I'm fairly certain a super hero that needs to merge two regular people is the last person on the list you can blame for not getting somewhere on time. Unless the two people were conjoined twins. Then there's no excuse for them not changing into Firestorm and getting the job done.

Raymond leaves the Justice League declaring emphatically that he's not gay and never will be. It's time for the team to find another Firestorm. That shouldn't be so hard! Remember how many Firestorms existed in the beginning months of The New 52?! Practically every country had one! There's got to be one still out there somewhere.

Futures End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying this comic book because it's weekly and it can keep up a pace that kind of slowly gets to the point of things. I suppose the writers have to carefully pace the story so that whatever needs to happen before September happens at just the right time. I think "just the right time" means the last Wednesday of August! Also, I can't wait until a few years from now when I can write an article entitled, "I'm Sorry For Inventing The Phrase "Onstage Masturbation Cage."

Futures End #5

Want to play a game? How about a game of thermonuclear break-up?

This issue begins with Mister Terrific pitching his T-Balls to the public but rebranding them uSpheres and making them different somehow. I don't care how because I find Mister Terrific incredibly obnoxious. I also find all the people salivating for his newest technology pathetic. He doesn't even explain what the uSpheres do! Unless I'm supposed to take him at his word and truly believe they're backup files for a person's brain. Which is just stupid. I don't want people using what's in my head for their own purposes if I ever get hit by a car! And I don't want my brain downloaded into some other creature to act like me when I'm dead! When my light winks out, I'm outta here! Who wants to be reminded that I died every time you're insulted by something that thinks it's me?! These uSpheres sound awful.

Mister Terrific didn't even need a new product. His fans are so rabid that they would stand before the stage, mouths agape like baby birds while Mister Terrific jerked himself off onto the spectators. Have some iSperm, you zombies! I mean uSperm! I didn't mean to slip out of the allegory!

A super annoying hero!

Grifter has found himself paralyzed and held captive by King Faraday of I-Spy fame. Unless nobody fucking remembers I-Spy. I sure as hell don't! But he's in my Who's Who and that's what it says his code name was! It also says his first appearance was in Danger Trail #1 which sounds awfully exciting! It also says that King Faraday "is an Olympic-level athlete and highly skilled hand-to-hand combatant" and that he's "expert with all forms of firearms and countless other weapons." Countless other weapons! So like the list of pole-arms in Dungeons and Dragons?

Meanwhile on Cadmus Island, a woman named Fury-Squar-rrk is trying to escape. She kills two different OMAC creatures and then gets eye-blasted by a little girl in a dandelion shirt. This is the same little girl with which King Faraday seems to have partnered a paralyzed Grifter. I don't know if she's a new version of Superboy or if she's just another Cadmus Genomorph. She's dressed a bit like Punky Brewster. But since this comic book is weekly, it can answer questions next week. For now, it's time to catch up with Jasonstorm and Ronniestorm.

After weeks of living inside Ronnie Raymond's filthy little skull, Jason Rusch is set free when Ronnie shuts down Firestorm.

No! Not Ronnie's Mom! But I found her dog dick dinners and her intolerance adorable!

Ronnie runs home crying while Jason begins letting people know he isn't dead in a ditch. The first person he talks to is a professor building a teleporter. He mentions how the Justice League have that technology but keep it from the rest of the world. If that's true, they're huge dicks. I always just assumed they got the tech from one of America's not-so-secret black ops groups and it was the United States government that was hoarding the technology. Although I can see Batman not giving away technology secrets. He's a fucking businessman!

Meanwhile in Kansas, John Constantine makes some new friends.

I hope by "Tommy" she means Tommy Monaghan. I know it appeared his entire Preboot comic run had actually already taken place according to that scene in Batman and Two-Face but since this is a weird, probably alternate future, I can dream, right?

The Tommy guy has way more facial hair and bulk than the old Hitman had but he's wearing dark glasses in the dark, so it could be him! In this alternate reality, he may have eaten all of the meals that Amanda Waller seems to have avoided. He actually looks more like Vandal Savage than Hitman but when did Vandal every go by "Tommy"?! The woman's name is Midge and I don't know her. But then I'm not caught up on the last eight years of Hellblazer. And I've pretty much forgotten the years before that! Also maybe she's new!

Constantine was pulled to Kansas by Midge and Tommy to investigate some crop circles. He realizes they're ancient killing fields. He may or may not realize they're in the shape of Firestorm's chest design. Unless they're in the shape of Daemonite landing rockets. I can't answer those questions this week because there will be more comic book next week! I bet none of the questions get answered then either!

Futures End #5 Rating: No change. Still no way to tell if Futures End is good or bad or boring or exciting. It still just feels like it's launching from the dock and it's not quite out past the buoys where it can really start humming along. That's some kind of ship metaphor! But I don't know anything about ships or metaphors, so you can probably ignore it.

Futures End #4

Frankenstein was a founding member of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Five years from now, Frankenstein is five years more pissed off with SHADE than he was five years ago. By "five years ago", I mean "now." Time is confusing when you actually think about it. The only thing you really need to know is that it will eventually betray you. It will wear you down physically, mentally, and emotionally until the day it finally gives you the finger and turns out the lights. But time relentlessly moving forward wouldn't seem so bad without our fucking memories reminding us how things used to be. Time is trying to drag us away from the past but our minds force us to live in a psychotropic mixture of past, present, and future thought. Without our brains ability to remember and foresee, we'd simply live in the moment. We'd never know we'd gotten older or more feeble because whatever our current physical and mental state would, to our perception, have simply always been our current physical and mental state. Old age and death would catch us by surprise which, frankly, is the way I'd prefer it! Next Christmas, I'm going scream venomously at my parents for raising me to experience time and nostalgia and desires and dreams! Couldn't they have just stuck me in a dark room where I slept when tired and ate when food was put before me?! I hate them for giving me a human life!

Anywhat, Frankenstein has tracked down SHADE's Ant Farm because he wants to shove a sword up Father Time's vagina (I don't mean for that to come across as a misogynistic statement of violence toward women! I just liked the juxtaposition of the words "Father" and "vagina"). Frank's pissed that SHADE has been putting surveillance equipment up the asses of Polar Bears and keeping track of Frank while he lives a life of solitude up in the arctic. But Father Time has a new Agent of Shade to protect his vagina and his other parts that are equally as important.

Having to sew your parts back on is a poor substitute to a regenerative ability.

Father Time starts blah blah blahing about how Frank really came back because he truly desires to become an agent once more. While he's doing that, he misses an ample opportunity to make a really good acronym! He mentions that SHADE is the greatest weapon against "supernatural chaos and paranormal evil." That's SCAPE! Now he just needs to come up with some words to form GOAT and Father Time has a fantastic new acronym for a villainous HYDRAesque enemy! SCAPEGOAT: Supernatural Chaos And Paranormal Evil Generating Opportunistic Apocalyptic Threats. Or something. I'm sure Azz and Giff and Jurg and Lemmy thought up a pretty good one and will reveal it later. That SCAPE thing seems too spot on acronymmy to not be a premeditated acronym.

"Almost as old"? I suppose depending on how you define when Stormwatch began, that could mean Father Time began SHADE before Merlin began watching the storms, or it could mean Father Time was born before the universe was born. He is Father Time! I guess that makes sense!

Father Time points out how Stormwatch was destroyed by an unknown entity (probably THE CANCELLATOR!) out in deep space. Stormwatch. Killed. With lots of super duper uber super heroes. In no time flat. So what does Father Time want to do? Send Frankenstein and Amethyst into space to investigate! This is beginning to sound like a B Movie! "FRANKENSTEIN ON MARS! You won't believe your eyes! Mostly because the effects will be laughable and nobody really tried nailing the script down to a coherent plot."

Father Time convinces Frank to head into space because Nina From the Black Lagoon had just joined Stormwatch and was killed in the massacre. So he's playing on Frank's desire to always get revengeance on his enemies. And to get into deep space, Ray Palmer has developed a method of quick travel that shrinks people down and sends them through the Phantom Zone. Well, maybe it doesn't shrink them down as well. But it wouldn't surprise me.

Meanwhile in New York, Cal Corcoran, formerly known as Red Robin, formerly known as Tim Drake, formerly known as something else (unless it was his parents that changed their name when they went into hiding and Tim kept the family name), is jogging with his girlfriend whose name is Madison Payne. Get it? She's a "mad pain"!

See? Stop prying! What a pain in the bat-ass!

While jogging, Tim gets his first glimpse of Batman Beyond on some ubiquitous television screen. And he instantly gets all judgmental on Bruce.

That's a bit unfair. Bruce never asked you to be a fucking Robin. That was your choice and your screw up and you didn't really leave him with much of a choice after you nearly got your parents killed! At least, you know, in The New 52 version of you!

Bruce did the best he could with the editorial demanded sidekick to appeal to younger readers! It wasn't his fault that time moved and comic books took a darker, more adult turn. Bruce isn't the asshole that decided to leave it up to the readers (or reader seeing as how the vote was practically rigged!) as to whether or not Jason Todd would live! Bruce wasn't the magic bald shaman writer that created Damian just so Damian could die! Leave Bruce alone! He's just trying to make his way the only way he knows how! He can't help it if that's just a little bit more than the law will allow!

I haven't seen the credits yet for this issue but I'm sensing a Keith Giffen Breakdown Layout deal! All of these pages have his signature six panels of equal size foundation!

Meanwhile across a few six panel pages, The Key and Plastique are trying to hire Coil for a new job. Coil is on parole and has decided to go legit. But I suppose they're going to have a job that intrigues him enough to change his mind. Or Plastique is going to just blow his head off.

I don't recognize Coil. They mention that Flash took him down otherwise I might have thought he was Ann Nocenti's Coil even if he does look quite different. But since that Coil was awful, I'm just going to forget he even existed now.

That last job concerns a break in at Terrifitech. So one way or the other, it really will be a last job, won't it?

Meanwhile Grifter has now begun murdering innocent people in self-help groups. And his Narration Boxes are getting bigger and bigger as he continues to try to justify his horrendous behavior.

King Faraday needs Cole Cash's They Live Vision and until he gets it, everybody gets to think of Grifter in the same terms that I do! I hope he gets the death penalty! Normally I don't believe in capital punishment but I'll make an exception for Grifter.

Futures End #4 Rating: No change. When are things going to get exciting? When are more super heroes going to die?! Where are the aliens and the Bugbots and the Cancellator and pictures of the dead Teen Titans?! I suppose the creative team thinks they can allow the plot to move along slowly since it continues every fucking week. Batman Eternal took a few weeks to get interesting as well. And I can't say this isn't interesting. But it's definitely moving slowly.

Vibe #8

Nope.

Whenever my Foster Robot Doom Bunny replies to yes/no questions in the negative, he says, "Nope!" in such a way that says, "Do not bother me again, extremely weak-skinned, blood filled sack of soft organs and excrement waiting to be excreted." Then his subroutines fire up, causing a series of clicks and whirrs as he ponders, "If excrement has not yet been excreted, it cannot rightly be called excrement. UNDEFINED ERROR." This leads to short bursts of laser fire from his eyes after which he rushes to the bathroom to interface with his dongle.

Everybody should have a Foster Robot! The most fun part of having one is on October 31st when the Luddite's Annual Purity Sweeps take place and they storm the house in a variety of costumes trying to put an end to his monstrous existence. It's fun because their weapons are made from crappy technology and my philosophy allows me to use an automatic shotgun! Although the Robot is a far quicker aim with his Microwave Breath than I am with my shotgun, so I've never actually killed a Luddite. I've only fired shells into still burning husks that have been incinerated from the inside out. It's still very exciting!

I also don't know why all the Luddites are so Goddamned short. I suppose they're also against vitamins and healthy diets.

Last issue, Vibe was kidnapped into Gypsy's home dimension by his brother Rupture. And Dante had been whisked away in his Dog Armor full of Super Hero Creating Nanites so that when we next see him, he'll be calling himself Purgatorio. Amanda Waller and Agent Gunn are busy trying to squelch the riot at The Circus and trying hard not to shit their pants over the escape of Omega.

This issue, Amethyst is helping protect House Topaz from House Quartz!

This is the best issue of Vibe yet!

Apparently I should be more careful about leaving comic books stacked up together in my "to read" pile because they're apparently susceptible to cross-contamination. This is the comic book that Vibe #8 was lying on top of overnight.

I'm glad Vibe didn't commingle with my next DC Comics Presents starring Madame Xanadu! Who needs that cunt ruining this comic book with her pretend visions of the end of the world?!

Princess Amaya (otherwise known as Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld!) is captured by a gigantic hulking monster made of Quartz that snaps her arm and engages in completely barbaric behaviour. He has obviously never been to Gemworld Finishing School and learned that you do not break the Princess's arm and threaten her life when exchanging cordialities. If only a hero would appear! Somebody that could create a resonant frequency that could shatter quartz! But who in Gemworld is capable of that?

Luckily when Vibe arrives via the portal created by his interaction with his brother Rupture, some strange power shatters all of the Giant Quartz men. Talk about a lucky break!

But before that happened, Vibe had been abandoned halfway through the portal to Gypsy's homeworld when Rupture believed Vibe had finally died and he had no more power to siphon off. And from his viewpoint in the portal, Vibe saw many places! Like Morpheus's Dream Realm. And Earth 2. He hears somebody speaking Old Portugese [sic] (or Runespeak (or Magic Symbol)) say, "They all deserve what they get." He hears about the death of the Justice League and sees some orchids floating on the wind. Then he sees a dinosaur watching Serenity. I'm sure it all means something very important! Or he's just in DC's Ad-Space.

He also passes through Earth 23.

Eventually he finds himself on the cancelled world of Nilaa which doesn't bode well for Vibe. The phrase "put out to pasture" comes to mind. Minus the sexual implications!

Vibe nearly kills Amethyst the way Vibe nearly kills everybody he touches that doesn't have the standard 528Hz vibrational frequency. But Breacher shows up in time to shove his cock into the middle of Vibe and Amethyst's embrace, saving Princess Amaya from death. Or catastrophic pleasure, conceivably.

Breacher saves Vibe's life as well by shoving a plug in his chest. He then kidnaps him to another world to join a small resistance group. They're probably resisting Rupture! Breacher then gives Vibe a quick Origin Story Clarification before revealing where he has brought Vibe.

Worst vacation getaway ever. Besides [insert your home town here].

I wish I had the chops for a piece of code that would read the location of the IP address accessing this page and insert the name of the city into the caption above. If this were a MUSH, I probably could have rigged that up so that everybody who reads this would get slightly pissed at me for shitting on their place of residence. Except it wouldn't work for all the hacker trolls that are faking their IP addresses and ping ponging their connection all over the world. Also, half the readers would probably nod their heads in agreement and think, "Fuck yeah! This place is the Goddamned pits!"

Vibe calls bullshit on Breacher's story, so Breacher hangs his head in shame and says, "You got me!" Then he tells Vibe the truth.

Which is just as reasonable as the lie, so I have no idea why he felt he needed to lie.

Breacher might just have been nervous that Vibe wouldn't believe him over the story Vibe's brother Rupture told Vibe. So he was trying to manipulate Vibe while sticking to Rupture's story. Why confuse the kid if he didn't have to? Also, it helped fill out the final pages to end nicely on the Mordreth is Breacher and he's become a living portal which could happen to Vibe if they don't act soon cliffhanger!

Vibe #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. I heard from one of my Angles (that's the atheist's version of Angels) that Vibe has been put on the chopping block. It's too bad because I'm enjoying this comic and I think it deserves a story or two following up on all of this previous stuff that has essentially been Vibe's Origin Story. I like the mix of family story and the young rookie being manipulated by a huge government organization. Because he's young, Vibe has a bit of a Peter Parker feel going on that hasn't quite been explored as much as I'd like. Which is why I was hoping this comic would last long enough to finish this first story so it could tell some humorous and off-beat coming of age as a super hero crap for a bit. I'm still looking for well-written and light-hearted, fun stuff from DC and this comic had some good potential. As did Swords of Sorcery, so it was nice to see a little Amethyst in these pages. Right now, All Star Western is my go to fun comic book at DC. I wish there were more like it.

Sword of Sorcery #8

Eclipso knows how to satisfy the ladies!

Here's the secret to writing: don't give a shit what anybody thinks! There might be some other secrets as well. Like exaggerate as much as possible. And maybe create unlikable characters that people really like to dislike. Also always tell the truth when lying as much as possible. That one is pretty important. Never letting your spouse or parents or children or siblings read what you write helps you to be more truthful, so don't show anybody you care about. If they tell you it's good, you won't believe them and if they tell you it sucks, they're assholes. Also, you're probably writing nasty things about them because writing is a good way to get negative shit off of your chest and you probably don't want your husband reading about how much you hate it when he scratches his balls and sniffs his fingers.

Here's the secret to writing that everybody always tells so it's not actually a secret: if you want to write, write. As a Reader, you might think that's the worst advice you've ever heard! But boy howdy is it good advice since Writers are fucking lazy assholes! Seriously! They want to make a living out of simply spewing imaginary pablum from our imaginations? Really?! Go build something, you lazy twat!

Actually, Writers are very busy and industrious, so that previous paragraph was one of those exaggerating lies of truth I mentioned. You'll never see a cleaner house than the house of a Writer avoiding writing!

If you want to read one of the greatest books about Writing while at the same time reading a lot of pretty good pornography, you should read Nicholson Baker's The Fermata. You know something I forget to do all of the time? Put titles of things in italics. That's because I use quotation marks so much due to referencing comic book issue titles and also because I'm an idiot who hates remembering stylistic norms. There might be better books about Writing out there but I guarantee they won't have any porn in them.

You know what other book probably doesn't have any porn in it? Sword of Sorcery! It even lacks the stereotypical chainmail bikinis and barely covered sorceresses and oiled up barbarians in loincloths with their wangs hanging out. I bet nobody in Fantasy Worlds was ever having sex due to all the chafed, pinched, bruised, and battered genitalia.

Meanwhile on Gemworld, I believe these two panels sum up the action decently enough since I wasted all of my summing up paragraphs with bullshit.

I don't think this is his work but I saw Travis Moore in the art credits with Aaron Lopresti and John Livesay and I remember really hoping to see more of his work last time I saw his name in Sword of Sorcery #4. Look at me with the research instead of just saying "last time in whatever fucking comic book he drew."

Lady Akikra gathers up the small force of heroes needed to defeat the great big evil. I mentioned last time that this was a fantasy book and that we all needed the common fantasy tropes and clichés or we wouldn't understand it! The group consists of those with the Blood Power of a Gem House behind them or else they would easily be taken over by Eclipso's Mind-Eclipse-Hypno Power. I wish he'd name that power already! Maybe he just calls it "eclipsing." That makes sense. The new Lord Turquoise has some misgivings about bringing Amy's fight instructor along.

My guess is two-story Colonial!

Eclipso begins the battle which is over in three seconds as he eclipses the entirety of Lady Mordiel's Amethyst Army. Eclipso believes he can win because the power of House Amethyst is split between three women. But if he kills any of those women, the power will begin to consolidate. So my guess is that he's looking to capture them alive. My other guess is where the fuck is Amethyst's father's ghost? Oh, that wasn't a guess. That was a question. Anyway, where is he?!

The heroes arrive through one of Lady Akikra's portals which seems somehow anticlimactic. Shouldn't there have been six hundred pages of journeying and battling smaller foes and girding loins and losing faith and regaining faith and pressing on and never giving in? These heroes have it easy! Luckily Amy was able to come up with a plan on the nearly instantaneous journey to confront their foe. I bet it has something to do with holding hands and love! Although I hope it has more to do with stabbing people in the face and love.

Oh, I'm so dumb! Of course the plan revolves around the burglar!

And then I read the page where the plan is put into action and I think, "Wait. Why did that just happen?" So I read it again. And then again. And then I remember that House Turquoise has the power of disguise and it all made sense. That's how us old people consume media. Just check your parents' or grandparents' remote controls and you'll notice the rewind button is a little more worn than the rest of them.

"What just happened? Who was that guy? Why did he attack her? That didn't make no sense nohow, showing that scene in the middle of the battle! Why, it's got ta mean somethin'! What am I missin'? Where are my spectacles?"

Once Amy gets the Black Diamond, she signals her mother and her aunt to turn the Gigantic Amethyst Processing Gem on her so she can catalyze the whatsit to the something or other and end Eclipso's reign once and for all!

I was hoping the plan would go off without a hitch for once but it's a fantasy story and a comic book, so what was the likelihood of that?! Eclipso eye lasers the Gigantic Amethyst Processing Gem, destroying it and collapsing it on Lady Mordiel and Amethyst's mother. Then Eclipso presses his attack against Amethyst, shattering her magic sword and grasping her by the throat. If there was ever a time for a cliffhanger, this would be it!

But this comic doesn't have much life left in it, so it has to get one with things. Lady Graciel and Lady Mordiel transfer their powers to Lass Amaya. She breaks free from Eclipso and powers up! Now she should just shove the Black Diamond down Eclipso's throat and banish him into it, thus forcing him into a recursion that will spiral into a wisp of nothingness.

Enh. Close enough! Back into the Black Diamond with you, Ejerko!

The Black Diamond poits out of existence but everybody knows better. Eclipso's prison is still around somewhere and it must be found before the next eclipse or he'll escape. Perhaps it was taken by the ghost of Amaya's father! Princess Amaya and her mother and her aunt and all the Lords of the Gemstone Houses and her battle trainer all lived happily ever after. For at least five months, anyway, since that's when the next eclipse has been scheduled.

Sword of Sorcery #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. I take it this was the final issue! It wrapped up well and I'm sad to see it go. I guess it just didn't have enough Batman in it.

Sword of Sorcery #7

I thought these covers were supposed to have crazy twists? Only people not reading this comic would have been shocked by this one. And who are these assholes not reading this comic book? Thanks a lot for getting it cancelled, jerkos!

Last issue, Amethyst sold out Gemworld for a slice of pizza. What do you expect? She's a teenaged girl! She wants what she wants and she knows better than everybody else. I might say the same thing for teenaged boys but she isn't a teenaged boy so why would I bring up teenaged boys except as this addendum to preemptively shut up any cries that I'm being sexist. Man. Who gave women the right to speak their mind?! It's taking away my freedom to be a misogynist without having to hear somebody point out that I'm an asshole! You know, misogynists are people too! They get their feelings hurt as well! If you can't say something nice (to men), don't say anything at all.

Let me start over in case you already forgot that first brilliant part of the story by Christy Marx because the other nonsense caused a hemorrhage in your brain: Amethyst sold out Gemworld for a slice of pizza. That's just fucking terrific. This is why I never allow anybody to do anything for me that might possibly constitute a favor! Wait, that's not true. I let people do stuff for me all of the time. But I've cultivated a sophisticated tactic of never, ever repaying anybody for anything so that they know better than to expect that I'll help them out with any of their problems. It makes life so much easier. For me!

I'm really painting a beautiful picture of myself so far in this commentary! Who wouldn't want to be my friend! I think I'm almost ready to cosplay Eclipso now! I've got the asshole personality down so now I just need to get the rippling abs and monster pectorals! That should only take like a week or something though, right? My body would be so incredibly fit right now if fitness were directly related to how many cookies you eat.

This issue is called, "Eclipso Unleashed!" Last month, I said DC needs to knock off the "unleashed" bit because it was old when insert apt analogy here. And I don't want to be accused of exaggerating (or murder), but DC has used "unleashed" about six hundred times in The New 52 so far.

Amethyst's best Gemworldian friend, Princess Ingvie, has just become a Queen in the usual way. And Eclipso is on the loose. And it's all Amethyst's fault (I think I mentioned that a few times already). While the Good Guys try to regroup after Eclipso's attack, Eclipso heads on over to House Onyx so they can shower him in hugs and kisses.

I meant shower him in insults and death threats.

Eclipso manages to do that thing he does where he looks through his rock candy and possesses everybody in the room. The only people immune are those with the Onyx Blood Power. Instead of putting up a fight that will just end in a bunch of Onyx Gemworldians dead, the Royal Family flees into the shadows, leaving Eclipso with his new army to take over Gemworld. He'd better hurry up and do it quickly. I don't think this comic book has many issues left. Anyway, his first conquest will be of House Diamond because he needs to get the Black and Diamond back together again.

Meanwhile Ingvie has just learned everything there is to know about everything because all knowledge was passed to her when her mother died. So now she knows about the War of The Eclipse without ever having to study it. It seems to me that a student really desperate to pass a test might seriously think about killing their parents so that they don't have to study. I guess children are more trustworthy in Gemworld than they are in America. I'm pretty sure there's a point about the failure of unrestrained capitalism and its affect on the ethics of young adults growing up in a system that teaches you that everything is a competition and failure is worse than cheating, lying, and stealing. But I won't be the one to point it out.

"Studying is so hard! I never could have remembered all of this without the death of my mother."

Eclipso takes over House Diamond because the King's son doesn't give a shit about helping his father battle Eclipso when he knows his father's death will simply result in his gaining all of the power! See! I knew there were some serious drawbacks to this shit! No wonder intrigue is practically synonymous with royalty! I get it now! Thanks, comic books!

The dick son gains the power of House Diamond and swears fealty to Eclipso. Afterward, he attempts to murder his nicety-nice brother but only wounds him before Lady Akikra of House Onyx emerges from the shadows and rescues him. It's a good thing House Diamond has a noble son to take over once Eclipso is banished from Gemworld a second time. It would be awful if the entire Royal House were stereotypical douchebags. Not that having one son isn't totally cliche as well! But it's a fantasy story! It has to be told in a certain way or the reader just wouldn't understand it.

Lastly, Eclipso marches on House Amethyst to repay them for banishing him to First World. And that's where this story ends! Next, Stalker probably outwits Lucifer and gets to live happily ever after with a baby and without a soul. Hmm, that doesn't sound happy at all. Get rid of the baby part and we'll talk.

Well, Stalker does lose the baby. And he gains a soul! More precisely, he never lost his soul. Lucifer made a deal for a soul of one of his male ancestors. And once Stalker realizes he's had a soul all of this time, he suddenly feels guilty for all of the people he's killed across the thousands of years he's lived. So a soul is basically a placebo? Since souls don't exist, Lucifer gives Stalker a sugar pill at the end of this comic which causes Stalker to suddenly feel guilty. Well, soul or no soul, at least Stalker isn't stuck with that stupid baby since Stalker ends up falling through a portal to Hell or the past or who knows where and the baby remains behind.

To murder everybody! [Crack of thunder. Maniacal laughter.]

Sword of Sorcery #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope next issue isn't about war. I hope everybody enjoys a tea party instead.

Sword of Sorcery #6

What did Lucifer have to gain by having Exoristos bring the Black Diamond out of Hell? Does Lucifer gain the souls of anyone killed or possessed by Eclipso? And what is Eclipso if he's born from Hell? Just another demon and not a God? Hopefully this issue will elucidate the connection between Gemworld and The Black Diamond. Perhaps The Black Diamond actually originated in Gemworld. It was then brought to Earth. On Earth, it probably caused a lot of trouble before somebody banished it to Hell. Once in Hell, Lucifer probably found Eclipso was a fucking annoying prat, so he had Exoristos take the gem back to Earth. If The Black Diamond hadn't already been returned to its master (that weird doctor from Arkham), I'd believe that Constantine was now bringing it back to Gemworld where it belongs.

While Preet and Fuzzybutt are discovering that Preet's new Super S Turquoise Powers are good for creating disguises, Amethyst is learning what Sailor Star Amethyst Powers can do.

"Sapphires that keep beer cold, Diamonds that increase sexual potency, Opals that poison wine, Cubic Zirconia that engender falsehoods, Garnets that, well, who the fuck knows what Garnets do, and Black Diamonds that turn people into immortal assholes."

Later Amethyst gets to spend some time with Ingvie, her new best Gemworld friend ("That's prejudiced thinking of her as her 'Gemworld' friend!" "Thanks, Grandpa. Can we just catch some fish now?") who, being from House Citrine, has a photographic memory. So she can tell Amy anything she want's to know. Well, anything that she's spent the time studying.

Wouldn't you know she decided the "War of the Eclipse" wasn't new enough history to read about! What kind of historian is this girl? "That's Ancient History, so it's not worth knowing!" You're going to wish you knew it in a few pages, young lady!

If the power of Onyx neutralizes other Blood-Powers, then the two assassins that went after Amethyst's mom were horrible at their job. I guess since it's the Blood-Power of Onyx that neutralizes Blood-Powers, only the leader or leaders of House Onyx have that power. Just like Amethyst and her mom and her aunt all share the House of Amethyst Blood-Powers but nobody else has those. It's possible the Blood-Powers are separate from the regular powers of people of the Houses, but I'm not sure. Ingvie mentions House Citrine having "dormant powers" which makes me think all the regular people of each house have powers associated with the House. But only the leader and those the leader shares her powers with have the Blood-Powers.

Meanwhile in the House of Mystery, John Constantine is fucking around with his Magical Spy Mirror which he stole from the CEO of Supernatural Artifacts Incorporated in Chicago back in Swords of Sorcery #4. It's too bad he didn't have this mirror earlier. It would be a decent enough explanation for how he knows so much about all of the other characters in The New 52. But then again, Constantine has the House of Mystery and his sexy, charming, magical nature. Those things go a long way when one needs to learn secrets. Currently on the other side of the Magic Mirror is Eclipso.

My first reaction was to ask why would John do this? And then I remember, why does John do anything? There must be something for him to gain!

Back to Gemworld, Amethyst is busy putting away her study materials in the Turquoise Treasury when she runs into a creepy toucher. The guy paws at her skin but when he touches her, he transforms into Preet. Ingvie recognizes him instantly for what he is: the wild seed where House Turquoise Lord Firojha's power went after he was killed by Lady Akikra!

When Amy called Preet an idiot and pointed out he was stealing from himself, this cynical, stone-faced bastard laughed out loud.

Amethyst is able to subdue him with her mist-silk although it ends up with her falling all over him. Preet says, "I could get to like this...". But wouldn't he be her uncle? I'm just guessing that power of House Turquoise had to go to one of Lord Firojha's sons or else it would have gone to Amethyst since she's the next in line by blood. I guess he could also be her brother if Amethyst's father Vyrian had had a bastard son before marrying Lady Graciel. Which just made this new love interest super love interesting!

I had to Google for Lord Vyrian's name by putting "Amethyst's father" into Google. Google sent me to my commentary on Issue #5. Thanks, Google, for reminding me that my memory sucks!

Meanwhile in Death Valley, John Constantine meets up with Eclipso.

I've always been confused about how Eclipso works. Does he always have to have a human host? Is he currently inhabiting the Arkham Scientist whose name I can't remember but if I Googled, I'd learn it from one of my old commentaries?

Eclipso saying he's been exiled to this squalid world makes me think he's actually from Gemworld. So he either ends up in Hell after he's exiled from Gemworld which would mean he was exiled at least one thousand years ago. Or probably more since it's ancient history. One thousand years isn't quite ancient history enough! Well, not to me anyway. I guess to a teenaged girl of House Citrine, it might be. But that would mean the Black Diamond did end up in Hell somehow and it bothered Lucifer enough that he needed to get rid of it. Why he needed Exoristos to take it out is another story. But if Lucifer couldn't even stand him, it then Eclipso must be the worst roommate ever.

Constantine fires up the portal and gets ready to bid farewell to Eclipso. And he was here for so short a time! He only got to interfere with three titles! Unless there were more? Let's see...Team 7, All Star Western, and Catwoman. I think that was it! Good riddance, Moon Face!

Oh yeah! Alex Montez was his name. And he uses the alias "Bruce Gordon" which was the original Eclipso host's name. Before Eclipso became some kind of Vengeance God of the Moon.

Once Eclipso is through the portal with Amethyst, Constantine blows the crystal. By destroying the crystal, it releases the spirit of her father Lord Vyrian who flutters through the portal before it closes once and for all. I'm not completely sure Constantine knew that would happnen.

On Gemworld, the portal closes as well and Alex Montez wastes no time becoming Eclipso and blasting everybody with some Moon Prism Power, knocking them all unconscious. With all the goody-goody princesses out of his way, Eclipso wanders off to torment the racist Citrine Historian from last issue. Poor woman! If she only knew beforehand that she was going to star in a horror movie, she might have tried to hide her flaw! Now that she's been exposed as a racist, the audience won't mind when she gets killed and might even stand up and cheer.

Not that I would! I always feel really sad and cry whenever anybody dies in a movie.

Okay, that's not true. But it is true that I always cry whenever an animal dies in a movie! That scene in I Am Legend when Jazzy Jeff kills his dog. Oh my God! Stop manipulating me, movie makers! Or that scene in Of Mice and Men when the old man pisses and moans about not blowing his own dog's head off! Okay, that wasn't very sad. That was more annoying. But when Sherilynn Fenn gets her puppy neck broken, I bawled for ten minutes. Partly because I was beginning to masturbate thinking she was going to get naked. Scarred for life, I tell you! That'll teach me to think a scene where a puppy gets murdered would lead into nudity!

Oh yeah! Totally ancient history!

Eclipso tries to possess the racist but learns that he can't control anybody with the Blood-Power. That seems odd. He's the Master of the Moon, you'd think he'd be Master of Menstruation as well. Since he can't control this woman because she's on her period, he breaks her neck. Is this negative commentary on being a misogynist? How dare a comic book preach to me! If I want to travel to a fictional world and break a racist's neck, that's my prerogative!

I think I should get in better shape for Halloween. Eclipso would be a kick ass costume. Oh! And then I could wear it at a convention and call it a cosplay instead of a costume!

Once Lady Racist is killed, her Blood-Power transfers to Amy's bestie, Ingvie Malmsteen. Now Amethyst can't boss her around anymore because they're equals! Although Amethyst's are prettier than Citrines, so we know who's going to keep the power in that friendship. And then the story ends and my moratorium I called while reading DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire ends before I can even finish one more issue!

I said nobody else was to be "UNLEASHED!"

Now it's time to read about Stalker, The Man That Was Just Like Every Other Man in That He Didn't Have This Thing Called a Soul. Last month ended with his apartment being raided by Lucifer and a bunch of demons as his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great granddaughter was about to give birth to his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great great grandchild.

The mother dies in childbirth leaving Stalker to escape with the baby, find a man of God, steal a buttload (I prefer this over the actual "boatload") of salt, and barricade himself inside of a church to make his last stand against Lucifer.

Wasn't this the movie poster of every third action movie in the late eighties?

Sword of Sorcery #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. The moral of this issue of Amethyst is "Do not trust John Constantine." That's the moral of every comic book that features John Constantine. I have a feeling it'll be a regular motif in this month's new comic book, "Constantine." Amethyst is still young and naive and didn't really know John that well, so I can't blame her for falling for his cigarette smoking wiles.