Batwoman #33

Why didn't "Murderbang" make the cover? Or was his name "Slaypow"? "Deathbullet"? "Gunviolence"?

I currently have too many followers which isn't good for the environment. The more people that read my blog, the more bandwidth is used. The more bandwidth used, the more air conditioners have to be set up to cool the servers housing my spectacularly interesting blog posts. The more air conditioners blowing, the more energy used. The more energy used, the more...well, I don't know. I think eventually one of my sentences winds up pointing out how we're doing something negative to the environment. Not that anybody particularly cares about the environment! But they do care about living and it's nice to maintain an environment that sustains human life. So for my part in helping maintain a lower humidity living environment, I'm going to have to say some very unpopular things so that followers will get angry with me and stop following. Be prepared to be shocked and offended!

Puppies are fugly assholes.

Capitalism is simply communism with more expensive make-up on.

Your side of the political debate is full of insincere pleas and poorly thought out ideas.

Reality television shows are fantastic and unmatched forms of entertainment.

Marvel comics are way better than DC Comics and always have been at all times forever.

The original Star Wars movie was a piece of shit.

Homosexual sex is for queers.

The three most contentious religions on the planet all believe in the same God. You know the one. The one that spoke with Abraham. It's the same God, you dodo-heads! Does everyone just believe God thought it would be funny to send different prophets with different messages to all of Abraham's various descendents? Actually, I think He was just trying to keep his word but Abraham was a fucking dick so everything got all screwed up.

God: "Hey Abraham! Your descendants shall rule nations and shit!"
Abraham: "Cool! You hear that Ishmael? Isaac? You guys are going to be big shots!"
Sarah: "Abraham! Get that maid's son out of my sight, you pecker! He's ruining Isaac's party!"
Abraham: "Okay, Ishmael. You heard your shrew. I mean mom! You're on your own now. Get the fuck out of my house."
God: "Wait. What?! Medammit! Are you sure you want to do that, Abe? I promised him a kingdom, you know? Are you sure you want a kingdom as powerful as Isaac's kingdom but run by a guy with severe daddy issues? It'll be right next door, you know?"
Abraham: "Look, God. You don't have to live with Sarah. Let future generations deal with any problems. By the way, did you have to change her name to 'princess'? Went straight to her fucking head, it did."

That should do it! On to Batwoman now!

Kate Kane has a dream that she's a vampire and she, alongside Nocturna, attacked Maggie and her daughter, Jaime.

Or was it a dream?! Usually if you dream you are a vampire and you've attacked someone, it wasn't a dream at all. That's how vampirism works!

Meanwhile, Killshot is somehow living under the impression that he has a cool name. He's also being paid to not assassinate Nocturna. Actually, he's being paid to assassinate her but not when he has the opportunity but when "Miss Witherspoon" says he can. I think Miss Witherspoon is Sophie, Kate's ex, but I can't be certain because my memory with names isn't so great. I'm much better with faces but since Miss Witherspoon currently has guacamole and cucumbers on her face, I don't recognize her.

While Nocturna sexes up a society function, Kate Kane decides to seek invaluable wisdom from her psychiatrist.

Oh yeah. That's money well spent.

It actually doesn't matter how good Kate's psychiatrist is since she's not really letting go and embracing the process. So he can say as much obvious bullshit as he wants and it's not going to matter. Kate needs a psychiatrist that deals exclusively with superheroes so she can be honest with her. I'm sure one must exist somewhere. Probably a supervillain though.

This format worked earlier, so why not stick with it: While Nocturna sexes up the man she met at the society function, Kate Kane calls Maggie's ex-husband because she can't help making situations worse than they already are. She might need therapy. Um, proper therapy! Not some guy that says things like, "Dreams aren't really real!" and "Perhaps you have ze issues mit Ihre Mutter?"

Jesus Christ! Are you not even listening to your therapist? Remember how you have a problem with control issues? Fucking narcissist! You did not cause the relationship problems between these people and you do not have to solve them either!

Nocturna's brand new fiancé winds up getting shot by Killshot because he sucks at the aiming part of shooting people with a rifle. At least his name holds true and the person he shoots, he kills. Perhaps "Crackshot" would have been a better moniker to work toward? Or "Deadeye"? But for now, he's just a useless twat amongst a city full of people that are more than capable of shooting the correct person.

Batwoman hears the shot and descends upon Killshot like a Batman. But there's a complication since Night-Thief descends upon Killshot like a Batman as well. Night-Thief might be a worse name than Killshot. I wouldn't have guessed Marc Andreyko was going to try to come up with a shittier name but he went for it and succeeded! Nice one!

Oh, and then Nocturna descends upon all the descending Batmen like a descending Batman. But the big fight won't come until next issue. And by "the big fight," I mean when Maggie finds out Kate called her ex-husband.

Batwoman #33 Rating: No change. I sure wish Batwoman made better decisions in her life! No wonder she loves running around as Batwoman since she feels in control as that persona. In her personal life, she's trying to control everything but failing miserably because she seems to forget that other people are, in fact, other people! They get to make decisions and mistakes all by themselves! I don't think Kate needs a therapist; I think she needs a pot brownie every now and again. Chill out, lady!

What are the laws regarding pot in Gotham? And if they're lenient, what does Batman think of them?

Robin Rises Omega #1

The first thing on my mind, seeing how the last issue of Batman and Robin ended with Glorious Godfrey's sudden appearance, is this: "What the fuck does Apokolips want with Damian Wayne?" Actually the first thing on my mind is, "Why can I not get any sleep? I have to work all night tonight and I'm running on fumes here?" and "Am I in any condition to take this comic book seriously?" and "What has become of my life?" and "I'd really like to eat a pizza covered in tacos right now."

The next thing I think (I'd say second thing but I just listed a whole bunch of shit, so it's probably more like the tenth or fifteenth), as I open this comic book, is this: "Why does the cover call this book 'Robin Rises Omega' when the title page clearly states that it's called 'Robin Rises Red Dawn Omega'?"

And now I'm second guessing whether or not I should be reviewing comic books. Shouldn't I be making declarative statements about the text and art instead of asking rhetorical question after rhetorical question (the most rhetorical of them all being the "What has become of my life?" question because I damn well know what's become of my life and the only thing that can ease the shame and guilt I feel due to my horrible decisions is a taco pizza)? Okay. Time to saddle up my self-confidence and take the bull by the horse! Now, where did I put that saddle? Come to think of it, where the hell did I leave my self-confidence?! Oh yeah, I remember. College.

This issue begins with Batman learning an important lesson about taking the used Bat-condom with him instead of dumping it in the bathroom wastebasket tucked into an empty toilet paper roll.

I thought Batman always fucked with the cowl on. "DON'T LOOK AT MY FACE!"

As Batman continues the Damian Wayne history lesson, he acknowledges that he was once struck by an Omega Beam and lost in time. I don't have an issue with DC's reboot but it's moments like this where DC really gets into trouble. Because this single moment knocks down a hell of a lot of Preboot dominoes that will lead fans to ask a lot of questions that DC probably doesn't want them asking. Best to just assume that Batman was trying to put together an Ikea Bedroom set for Damian when he knocked over what he thought was a cool nightlight he let Damian use but which actually turned out to be a weapon from Apokolips which went off and blasted him in the face. Then when Dick took over the role of Batman for a year, he probably just sat around Wayne Manor playing video games with Damian instead of going on all the Preboot adventures he supposedly went on with Damian. That's why Damian likes Dick so much! Because they just sat around eating candy and playing video games while living off the fat inheritance they both got from Bruce's death.

Batman covers some of the highlights of his life with Damain since The New 52 began. It's a nice refresher if you ignore the fact that it's Tomasi pointing out what a great job Tomasi did writing Batman and Robin over the last couple of years. Aw, he deserves to pat himself on the back! Batman and Robin has consistently been the most heartfelt book of The New 52, which is strange since it's also been the book with the most on-panel decapitations!

And after the recap is over, back to the confrontation between Godfrey and Batman!

Godfrey doesn't want Damian Wayne, so that answers the least important of the questions I asked earlier. Godfrey is searching for a fragment of the Chaos Shard. It sounds like he's describing the crystal last seen on Earth-2 in the first story arc of Batman Loves Superman. Did Batman come home with a piece of it? Or perhaps the Chaos Shard splintered into all of the 52 universes? Perhaps the crystal Ra's has been using on the Lazarus Pits is the fragment Godfrey is looking for.

Which it is and the crystal is currently in Damian's casket. Whoops.

Doesn't Frankenstein get a say?

A battle breaks out and it's a good thing Batman has Frankenstein and Ra's on his side since they have no qualms about killing. I don't know what Batman's policy on killing parademons is but I think it's fairly liberal. Superman definitely didn't have a problem with killing them back when he first encountered them in Justice League. But will Batman kill invading aliens that look human, like Godfrey and his armored warriors? I think he'd have to resort to broken jaws and bruised internal organs for those guys.

Even after this panel, I'm not sure how Batman feels about killing parademons. I'm fairly certain he's done worse than this to one of the Tweedle brothers.

Now how is all of this fighting going to result in the resurrection of Damian? Ra's already soaked him in the pit that should bring him back to life in 24 hours but without his memory. So if the contents of the sarcophagus are spilled before then, does that mean he'll retain his memory but be kind of decayed and gross? Or perhaps Godfrey will sprinkle a little anti-life equation on Damian and Talia so that they'll step out of the caskets, leaving him free to retrieve the Chaos Shard without Ra's and Bats getting all pissy.

During the fight, four extra chunky Parademons fly off with the caskets and Frankenstein. Ra's and Batman hitch a ride on the caskets and in the ensuing sky battle, Frankenstein loses an arm while Ra's and Talia plummet into a crevice in the ice. Batman crashes to the ground with Damian's casket which comes open enough to dislodge the Chaos Shard. Batman picks it up and remembers his trip to Earth-2 while also getting a memory of the future in which Damain saves everyone. And then Godfrey arrives, takes the crystal and is about to shoot Batman in the head. He doesn't make a long-winded speech but he does speak just a little bit too long, allowing the Justice League to arrive! And Captain Cold saves Batman's life because Captain Cold is the best member of the Justice League ever.

You want to know who the worst member is? In all continuities ever? You probably think I'm going to say Vibe or Steel or Godiva, aren't you? Oh, who am I kidding! You all know I'm going to say Aquaman!

But...but...but...they were in the mountains near Nanda Parbat? Where did these Killer Whales come from? What is going on?! What kind of a horrible taskmaster is Aquaman that he'd make these whales trek up the mountain side to hide under the ice and wait for his command to spring this trap?! Poor whales! Aquaman is a dick!

While the Justice League saves Batman, they aren't able to stop Godfrey from taking Damian's body back to Apokolips. Looks like it's time for a cosmic road trip! Maybe Wonder Woman can help Batman get a lift. Will the next issue of Batman and Robin be Batman and Orion?

After all this time coming to terms with Robin's death, finally putting it behind him and accepting it, all it takes is one minor hallucination that Damian still has a part to play in some cosmic odyssey and Batman's back on the obsession train. Woo woo! Next stop Apokolips!

Robin Rises Omega #1 Rating: Normally I love to complain when a comic book spends page after page going back over previous history. But I thought it was well done and this is actually a really good book for new readers to begin following one of DC's most consistently well-written books of The New 52. It seems like it wouldn't be a jumping on point at all but the beginning of this issue covers Batman and Robin #1-32 and Batman Incorporated #1-12 thoroughly enough that I'm now upset that I spent all that money on them. I could have gotten away with spending just $4.99?! Fuck!

Teen Titans #1

It's about time DC introduced the Teen Titans to The New 52!

Finally, DC has decided to return The Teen Titans to the DC Universe! It's hard to imagine that they didn't include The Teen Titans as one of the launch titles for The New 52. I suppose they wanted to make sure they did them right. Can you imagine the outrage if DC had launched the Teen Titans with an awful writer and that writer nearly ruined the franchise? DC really dodged a bullet there! Although this had better be a terrific fucking comic since they had three years to plan it!

Although they couldn't come up with a better look for Raven? Why is she wearing a clam shell on her face?

This issue begins with trouble in New York. And I realize that no matter how much I want to be in denial about Scott Lobdell's train wreck first run of this series, I'm not going to be able to avoid talking about it. I tried for one paragraph and then I began reading the comic book and then I realized I'm going to have to point out how things were in Lobdell's run and how they're different in this one.

Right off the bat, we see Red Robin has allowed Cassie to know his secret identity (see how it says "Tim" on her phone?). Someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought he never revealed his real identity in Lobdell's run. And that would make sense because Lobdell stole all of his ideas for Teen Titans from Young Justice and, at least in the first season, Robin never let anybody know his secret identity.

Remember how, in Teen Titans Annual #3, Lobdell wrote epilogues for all of the characters as if they were never going to be used again? That was cute, wasn't it? And how he thought he was being extra cute when he wrote that bit about how their future adventures weren't going to matter? What an arrogant piece of shit. And if there's one thing I'm an expert on, it's arrogant pieces of shit, since I have to deal with one every single day.

That would be me. I'm talking about myself.

Back to the trouble in New York! The trouble is a Unabomber lookalike that has kidnapped a bus full of children. This terrormonster has an a agenda and, being an Evil Mr Smarty Pants (of the female variety. Don't let the "Mr" part of that confuse you), she needs to tell everybody what she's up to, broadcast across all cell phones and ubiquitous televisions in electronic shop displays. Anyway, the Evil Ms. Smarty Pants needs to shut up before she reveals just how stupid she is. She also needs to be careful because she's already showing me the limit of Will Pfeifer's writing. I'm happy to have somebody other than Lobdell heading this book, so I'm going to do what I normally don't do: I'm going to go easy on him. But let me just point out that he really needs to be careful when writing characters that are smarter than himself.

The Evil Ms. Smarty Pants has a few concepts mixed up but the gist is that the folks at STAR Labs seem to be experimenting with Artificial Intelligence and they're developing one that exceeds human intelligence. That's her definition of the technological singularity, not mine! Mine would be that they're developing an Artificial Intelligence of infinite computing power. But that doesn't matter! I wasn't going to nitpick! I'm probably wrong anyway! Just misunderstanding the work of the new writer since I'm used to wildly moronic tales of the Omniverse and Teen Angst! It probably doesn't matter anyway.

See? I think this is just an opening scene to show New York that the Teen Titans are their heroes and not the hated assholes that the world hated (because they were assholes) that Lobdell was writing.

So Evil Ms. Smarty Pants and her crew of five four continue to barrel along toward STAR Labs with Wonder Girl on top of their bus beating up the bad guys, Beast Boy aboard the bus as some kind of inconspicuous green creature, and Bunker hanging out in front of STAR Labs waiting to boost security with his Brain Blocks. Red Robin is coordinating and saving small children while Raven has yet to be seen. I'm sure she's off in a dark corner obsessing over how she's going to betray the group. No, no. That's not fair! That was Lobdell's Raven! I'm sure Pfeifer's Raven will be perky and upbeat.

Beast Boy apparently doesn't know the meaning of inconspicuous because he boards the bus as a tiger. Now if he wasn't entirely green, maybe he could have blended in with the kids. But instead, he drops the Evil Ms. Smarty Pants' crew down to three.

Here's the tiniest, cutest, most adorable Boob-Butt Showcase ever!

Red Robin questions Beast Boy's understanding of the word inconspicuous as well and Beast Boy points out how Red Robin added some kind of clause or something. Whatever. I'm going to scrap this commentary because I hate it! Kenneth Rocafort's art is making me sexually frustrated and unduly angry at the Teen Titans! I don't want to be turned on by a woman in a clam shell facemask or the rippling green muscles of a virile Bengal Tiger. I know it's virile because it has a tiger penis and at least one billion people believe tiger penis enhances virility. You can't argue with one billion people! I mean, you can! But they'd probably drown out your argument and even if you could quiet them all down long enough to speak your view, most of them would be too far away to hear you, and most of those billion people probably don't even speak your language so the ones close enough to hear you would probably just keep saying, "這是什麼白痴話？"

Let me start over! Pretend you didn't read that previous stuff especially the part about Kenny's art and the sexual frustration. That was just me joking around! Ha ha! Okay. Ready for a Teen Titans Review Reboot? Well fuck you, it's happening. Jesus. Readers think they're so entitled that they can answer my rhetorical questions incorrectly? Learn some respect!

In Teen Titans #1 (the new and improved version), some serious shit goes down in New York while the public stands around filming it on cell phones so they can later post the videos to friends on Facebook, videos of children terrified out of their minds who are most likely about to die. Does anybody else have a bunch of friends who simply post video link after video link to their walls? Jesus Christ! I preferred the days when all I had to scroll past were pictures of what people were about to eat for lunch. I guess Instagram took the brunt of that market, didn't it? It just makes me think my friends are a bunch of...what am I doing?! I'm supposed to be reviewing! Okay, okay, back to the review, Comicsverse-style!

"Some very, very shitty shit goes down in New York and the Teen Titans are there to save the day. The way they save the day is very, very interesting and held my interest throughout this very interesting comic book. If I had any complaints about the comic book, I'd have to make them very, very mild and reiterate how it's only my subjective opinion and nobody should hold DC or its creators accountable for my negative view of any aspect of this very, very interesting comic book! You see, having opinions that don't come off as very shiny and very happy might cause comic book creators to not want to be subjugated to horrible three minute interviews by Comicsverse in the future. Look at what happened to that one critic that criticized the cover of this very comic book (I mean the main cover and not the silly cover I scanned earlier)! Do you think Brett Booth, a very, very interesting and very talented artist, will ever give that reviewer an interview ever again ever? Not on your very interesting life! So I have to be very careful about calling writers "douchebags" and artists "hacks" or else the comic book creator community might begin to shun me and the very, very interesting website, Comicsverse, which I represent! Not that I'd ever call any creator a "douchebag" or a "hack!" Well, maybe Dave Sim since I know I'd have the support of Tumblr behind me. Not that any of them would know who he is anyway since his career began in the 70s long before any of the very, very interesting people of Tumblr were born. So in conclusion...oh wait! I forgot to mention the art was very, very exciting to look at and kept me excited by its exciting use of illusory movement across very, very static panels. It was very, very intriguing and interesting and kept me intrigued and interested. Now in conclusion, I really liked this issue of Teen Titans #1 and you probably will too so you should give it a chance! Du nun dunt! That was the Reading Rainbow noise that is made when it goes from one stupid kid's review to the next, even stupider kid's review. I do not have to be nice to the stupid kids on Reading Rainbow because they do not pay very interesting advertising revenue."

Speaking of unduly angry sexual frustration...Mrowr! Bunker knows how to fill out a pair of tight pants!

Anyway, the Teen Titans save the day but The Evil Ms. Smarty Pants gets away because this was only part one of the story mysteriously called "Blinded by the Light." Either Will Pfeifer had better hope his story heads in a direction that will mean the title makes sense or he can just keep using song lyrics as titles whether or not they have anything to do with anything. That never stopped Scott Lobdell on his early Red Hood! Maybe it's Rocafort who is getting to title these stories?

The issue ends with Bunker using his power irresponsibly because he never had an uncle to impart great wisdom upon him before dying like a chump.

I figured he was going to say "assholes" or "douchebags."

I'm glad Bunker has suddenly become the language police because that's not the most useless job in the world. And even if language could be lassoed and people could be forced to use language however one individual thinks language should be used, it would be nice to, at the very least, wait until somebody actually says the thing you think they're going to say before overreacting to it. So far, Bunker has seemed the most forgiving and least likely to explode into a rage, so I get that this is a character moment to show that he's very sensitive to bigots and assholes. But here's the thing, Bunker. Assholes like this guy are dinosaurs. They're living, walking, breathing dinosaurs that don't fucking realize they're already extinct. His daughter would probably have realized her dad is a judgmental asshole speaking ill of the people that just saved her. But now? When the same person just slammed her father up against a wall and threatened him? Maybe now she'll believe her dad's prejudices against gay superheroes more readily. Although I bet this guy would have kept his mouth shut if his daughter had been saved by Midnighter!

Anyway, I'm sure Bunker won over more fans than he lost with this moment but I'm not one of them! He's lucky he looks so good in his tights. I can't stay mad at him!

Teen Titans #1 Rating: For the first time in the history of The Teen Titans Ranking History, I'm going to place it right in the middle of the pack. Previously, I think it's always been ranked at about 50 of 52 or lower. It was so awful! Hopefully everybody can forget how awful it was! We're all going to agree that Lobdell's run never happened, right? We'll just throw it in the bin next to Tony S Daniel's run of Hawkman, Rob Liefeld's run of Deathstroke, and Scott Lobdell's run of Superman. Awwwww. That makes me feel so much better.

Batman Eternal #15

The center bar of my comic slot machine seems to have just missed the jackpot. Dang it.

Previously in Batman Eternal, nobody has mentioned why the comic book is named Batman Eternal. Now on with the story....

Batwing and The Spectre are making their way into Arkham Asylum. The Spectre is probably pouting because he's supposedly God's Wrath but he's been fairly useless since Jesus came around and pointed out that love was better. Unless he just pointed out that love and hate don't matter at all since everybody should only be concerned with the afterlife. I think that was his main message. Why wasn't the New Testament just a few sentences: "Do whatever you want. Pretend you're remorseful. Repeat after me: I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Oh, and don't forget to tithe!"

Batwing is probably pouting because he's just plain useless.

Who said an Irishman can't know Italian? Batwing needs to go fishing with his grandfather.

My Italian is a little bit rusty but I'll try my best to translate it: "Yo! Guido! Your mother, she worka in dis crazy place? Alla da time? 'Ey!" Hmm, maybe I need to book a fishing trip with my grandfather as well.

I apparently also think that the period translates to a question mark from Italian to English.

Batwing and The Spectre find Arkham trashed, the convicts missing, and the guards killed or missing. That just means it's Wednesday.

As he flies into Tokyo, Red Robin finally lets Harper Row know that he knows that she's aboard the Drakeplane. He probably should think up a new name for his plane before it gives his secret identity away.

Is Tim hitting on Harper? I love the Stress Position! Although I couldn't last nine hours. I mean, of course I could! But who would want to?! I have things to do that don't involve doing it all of the time, constantly and well!

Once they land, Harper Row dons a mask and invites herself to be Red Robin's sidekick. But her mask is basically The Grifter's mask! What is wrong with her?! I thought she was smart! Is she a fan of Grifter? I'm so disappointed in Harper right now. Grifter is awful! Just in case anybody skips this paragraph because it's too long and they're just skimming for tales of my unbridled sexual unbridledness, I'll say that again in a new paragraph.

Grifter is awful!

Back in Arkham Asylum, Batwing's systems discover that the air is full of human spinal fluid. That's not good, right? That's how the next Silent Hill game can differentiate itself from the rest of the horror genre. Come with an adapter that fits into the nose and squirts a fine mist of various human bodily fluids into your nostrils as you play. The Spectre (who I should probably be calling Jim since he's pretending to be human right now. But when have I ever been clear and concise and honest?) notices a magic spell on the wall in The Riddler's old cell and an upside down waterfall of blood in The Scarecrow's cell. Batwing comes up with a good idea though! Call Batman!

Oh bull poop! Batman is never busy! He's capable of guest starring in every comic book, every month, if he wanted to. If he doesn't show up to help, he's got a reason. I think his reason this time is that he just doesn't like working with Luke Fox. Or he hates the Goddamned Irish. One of those.

I just experienced a moment of déjà vu when I typed "the Goddamned Irish." That's either cool because déjà vu is always an interesting experience or it's disturbing because I type "the Goddamned Irish" way too much!

Batwing and Jim discover The Scarecrow being used as a magic blood pylon while he mutters some Niggaz Wit Attitudes song. Something about dying in a fire while on venom or something. Maybe it's just magic words. Mostly it doesn't matter because it's at this moment that ghosts attack Jim and Luke, Jim points out he knows who's behind this all (but he doesn't say. They never say. It would take one second to say. Does he say? No. He doesn't), and then Jim tries his best not to become the Wrath of God for some reason. Probably for the same reason Jason Blood hates to become Etrigan. Because he winds up sitting around in Hell for unknown amounts of time. Although, Jim would get to sit around Heaven, right? Maybe he hates harp music and overly nice angels that just want to make him feel at home.

Sorry, Batwing. The Wrath of God works in mysterious ways.

Batwing winds up face to, um, face? with The Joker's Daughter while Jim Corrigan meets the man behind it all: Mister Bygone!

Wait. Who?

Later there's a scene where Batman finally accepts Jason Bard's handshake. I guess that means he accepts Batman's way of catching criminals which means no killing. Sure, you can beat them within inches of death and, sure, occasionally the doctors lose one of them to their injuries later at the hospital. But that's an acceptable loss and can be attributed to medical error. You never see Penny-One lose a patient.

And later still, Batgirl discovers that she's not only working with Red Hood (unwillingly!), but now she has to work with Batwoman as well! Although she was super excited to work with Batwoman way back in Batgirl Issue Number Older Issue. I guess she's over the excitement of meeting a hot celebrity.

Batman Eternal #15 Rating: No change. I sure wish the person behind all the magic under Arkham had been somebody I recognized! Although then I would have been disappointed and ranted about how the chump couldn't have pulled off everything the person was pulling off. I just can't be happy with anything! I do hope he makes Jim Corrigan suck his dick though. No wait! I don't hope that at all because that's mean! Although I'm hoping it about fictional characters that can't actually undergo the trauma of the horrible things that happen to them. So I've changed my mind! I hope Mister Bygone does pull out his cock and drag it across Jim's cheek. But only that! That's acceptable, right? If it isn't, pretend I didn't hope for that and continue to respect me and not feel disappointed in me at all, okay dad? I mean readers!

Futures End #11

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KISS YOU NOW!"

The Non-Certified Spouse sent me a link to this Salon article yesterday because she wanted me to vomit, I suppose. Salon is one of those sites I can't stand even though I've probably read less than a handful of articles on it over the years. I just don't like news sites or pseudo-news sites or editorial sites masquerading as news sites or entertainment sites that I mistakenly call news sites. They're usually 90% advertisements which slow down my browser and remind me that suicide is always an option. But I went to read this article yesterday and it was one of the most self-congratulatory pieces I think I've ever read in my entire 532 year life of living darkness. I implore you all to read the entire thing even though the title and subtitle say it all.

I'm Sorry For Coining the Phrase "Manic Pixie Dream Girl"
In 2007, I invented the term in a review. Then I watched in queasy disbelief as it seemed to take over pop culture
By Nathan "I'm Sorry For Being Such A Pop Culture Genius That I Broke the Internet" Rabin

I understand being excited about creating a phrase that you subsequently see used over and over again by the masses. Don't forget, I was the one that came up with the term "onstage masturbation cage." Instead of writing a falsely apologetic article for creating a term that has been embraced by people in a way you didn't want it to be embraced, Nathan should have just written an article entitled, "I Wrote This Article To Mention How Cameron Crowe Knew My Name!" Then the main body of the article should have just been a picture of himself naked in a cage on a stage masturbating into his own mouth.

Oh wait! I just realized that this is when I coin the phrase "onstage masturbation cage!" Being a time traveler of living darkness tends to screw with my memories a bit. Anyway, the phrase describes the place where people call attention to themselves so they can apologize for something they did simply to remind everybody of that thing they did. Example: "Jesus fucking Christ? Is Nathan Rabin back inside his onstage masturbation cage?!"

I don't want to go through the whole process of registering at urban dictionary, so somebody that's already registered there, please enter "onstage masturbation cage" with my definition and example, okay? Thanks!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, here's an essay I just wrote:

I'm Sorry For Being So Good At The Internet
By Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP! EJACULATE! GUZZLE GUZZLE GUZZLE GUZZLE! BOW!

Okay, enough of that! Let me get out of my onstage masturbation cage and begin reading Futures End.

Grifter's sidekick whom we haven't seen since issue one (I believe), Justin, has finally decided that Grifter is officially missing. The plan when Grifter goes missing is to head down the street to where Voodoo hangs out, just where I said she'd be about ten commentaries ago.

Although I thought she'd be stripping. This is better.

Why wasn't Justin in the Grifter comic book when it was restarted for The New 52? I think I would have liked the book better if he'd had a nerdy sidekick helping him to kill aliens during the week and to play Dungeons and Dragons with on the weekends. I wonder if I can convince somebody at DC to use my game, Places and Predators, as the standard replacement for when they want to mention someone plays Dungeons and Dragons? And by "someone," I mean "Batman."

Meanwhile in Deepest Space, Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst are searching for the last living member of Stormwatch. I hope as they search, they learn something about the big menace from space because in monthly comic book years, Futures End has already lived nearly a year with no mention of an Evil Mr Smarty Pants (aside from Mister Terrific and Brother Eye who aren't really threats yet anyway).

While on the trip, we learn that Frankenstein doesn't have a sense of humor which is why he thinks Milton Berle was a poet. What a dumb dumb head!

Speaking of Milton Berle, it was kind of an urban legend about Soupy Sales that generated my blog name! He supposedly said, "If you see Kay," on his kids show. I don't remember when I first heard that but then years later, my friend Pickle Boy was trying to tell me how genius Britney Spears was for coming up with the song "If You Seek Amy." Granted, I like that better than "if you see Kay," but it doesn't make her a genius for coming up with something that's already been out there for decades! Anyway, I wanted my own "if you see Kay," so I came up with "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea." It's not as elegant but then I never claimed to be as smart as the urban legend version of Soupy Sales!

Speaking of poets like Milton Berle and Soupy Sales, my favorite poets are Louis CK and pretty much all the other poets in the Comedians of Comedy movie (which really should have been called Poets of Poetry). The best part of that movie is when the poets shop at my local comic book store!

Anyway, Hawkman crashes their ship almost immediately.

After surviving a free fall crash from orbit, it would be really embarrassing to die of smoke inhalation.

Frank probably doesn't need to worry about smoke but where there's smoke, there's FIRE! FIRE! AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHH! BAD! BAD! FIRE!, so he should probably get out of the ship too.

They exit the ship to find that they've landed in some kind of metal crater. I hope they're on the home of The Cancelator so I stop being completely bored by this crap! Or, and this will satisfy me as well, a long, hot, steamy sex scene between Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst. Come on, DC. Let's shatter mainstream comic book expectations!

Although now that I've sat here and thought about the sex scene for the last few hours while forgetting about everything else I was doing, I wonder if Frank has a penis? If he doesn't have one, Hawkman can just cut off his and sew it onto Frank. Then Hawkman will just wait for the Nth metal to regrow his penis, and it's "Hello Sex City, Here We Come!"

Does Hawkman's Nth metal grow back every part of his body that was ever lost? That would mean he's definitely uncircumcised (which I expect is already the truth since I suspect every other race in the universe found a much more pleasant way of dealing with smegma). But does it mean his wisdom teeth keep crowding back into his mouth? What about his tonsils? Appendix? Anal hymen? That's a thing, right?

Back on Earth, The Mighty, Mighty, Morphin' Anger Ranger makes his debut outside ancient, forgotten ruins.

While the Justice League should probably be dealing with the new maniac in the Madagascar Sea, they're instead kidnapping civilians from strip clubs. The civilian in question is Ronnie Raymond and he was probably in a strip club to prove to himself that he's interested in putting his pee-pee inside a woman's vee-vee. He's not interested in that but he's desperate to convince himself he is because he and his life partner, Jason Rusch, have recently had a serious falling out.

So immature how he refers to "doing it" as "merging"!

Ronnie Raymond comes clean about being busy "with a girl" when Green Arrow was getting killed. I still think it's ridiculous that anybody is trying to blame him for Green Arrow's death! How about putting a little responsibility on the guy that goes to war armed only with a bow and arrow against foes with super powers? How about blaming The Flash for not getting their fast enough? Or Madame Xanadu for not seeing this future? Or Superman for not saving everybody always? How about blaming the person that actually killed Green Arrow?! I'm fairly certain a super hero that needs to merge two regular people is the last person on the list you can blame for not getting somewhere on time. Unless the two people were conjoined twins. Then there's no excuse for them not changing into Firestorm and getting the job done.

Raymond leaves the Justice League declaring emphatically that he's not gay and never will be. It's time for the team to find another Firestorm. That shouldn't be so hard! Remember how many Firestorms existed in the beginning months of The New 52?! Practically every country had one! There's got to be one still out there somewhere.

Futures End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying this comic book because it's weekly and it can keep up a pace that kind of slowly gets to the point of things. I suppose the writers have to carefully pace the story so that whatever needs to happen before September happens at just the right time. I think "just the right time" means the last Wednesday of August! Also, I can't wait until a few years from now when I can write an article entitled, "I'm Sorry For Inventing The Phrase "Onstage Masturbation Cage."

Justice League United #3

Is Batman on the cover because he's going to judge Justice League Canada for not inviting him to the party, or is this one of those "75 Years of Batman" covers?

Bruce Wayne has probably trademarked the name "Justice League" which is why Batman always has to involve himself somehow. Martian Manhunter has the trademark of the name on Mars which is why he's always butting in and trying to be a member as well. You've got to protect your trademarks or before you know it, Justice League Enema Kits! Although Bruce might let that infringement slide simply because they'd probably use Aquaman on the label.

I suppose this comic book is called "Justice League United" because it's going to star different Justice Leagues started in different countries. Or it could simply be that "gathering to protect the galaxy..." doesn't sound like something with which Canada would involve itself. "Not our problem, eh?"

This issue begins with Miiyahbin undergoing her secret origin as something that's pretending to be her grandfather tells her that the power was always within her or to let go or the crane kick cannot be defended or life's like a movie, write your own ending keep believing, or something.

Definitely not her grandfather since he thinks her name is "Meeyahbin.

Last issue ended with Byth finally having his baby, Ace Ultra, Destroyer of Worlds. This issue begins with everybody going, "Okay. Now what?" But the "now what?" doesn't need an answer because the Rannians teleport everybody all over the place so that the story can sort of start over with the characters parceled out where they can contrive the best plot. Hawkman, Adam Strange, Byth, and Ace Ultra wind up with the Rannian scientists that began the whole "let's make the ultimate mixed-race baby!" mess. And everybody else appears in a desert with Twat Lobo. The first thing Twat Lobo does is punch Supergirl in the back of the head because he's met her before and remembers her favorite greeting. SOKKO!

That's Twat Lobo to you, J'onn.

Supergirl greets Twat Lobo back which sends him into low orbit around Rann. During the very short confrontation, Green Arrow proved he was, at best, a distraction and slightly less than at best, completely worthless. The only way he's going to prove his worth to me is if he heartlessly kills Ace Ultra the baby. That would prove to me that he has a place on this team! He does what nobody else can do because he has the most severe daddy issues. As he stabs Baby Ace Ultra in the face with his best trick arrow (the arrow that isn't a trick at all but is actually sharp and can kill which always surprises the thugs because good guys don't kill, right?), he'll scream, "I'm sorry, Daddy! I'm sorry I said I didn't love you and then you died and now you can never know that I actually loved you because minor characters don't often come back from the dead! I wish I was on that island that John Locke was on and could wish you back into existence so I could say I loved you! Except hopefully you would say it back instead of treating me like crap the way Locke's father treated him. Would you love me then, Daddy?! Would you?" Then he'd look down at the bloody mess in the crib before him and think, "What did I just do?"

J'onn decides that Ace Ultra the Infant Destroyer of Worlds is more dangerous than Twat Lobo. Is J'onn crazy? Ace Ultra is not going to have a shitty monthly comic book coming out in the Fall, so I think Twat Lobo is more dangerous. Destroy him before his comic book can give me an embolism! And kill Klarion the Witch Boy while you're at it. I'd rather he be dead than written by Ann Nocenti. It's simply more humane.

Soon, a third problem even bigger than Twat Lobo crops up.

I don't know much about fashion and I know even less about zeta beam teleportation, but I think I know enough to not trust a teleportation system to some guy that fell for the stirrup collar shirt fashion trend.

J'onn decides to split up the teams to take care of their three problems. For some reason, he chooses Green Arrow to go with him, Supergirl, and Stargirl to stop Ace Ultra, Mixed-Race Baby. Oh, he probably realizes, as I did earlier, that Green Arrow is the only one with nothing to lose and therefore willing to stab a baby in the face and kill it. He asks Adam Strange, Animal Man, and Hawkman to stay behind and help old stirrup head. The last of the group, he sends after Twat Lobo.

If you've been paying attention, there is no last of the group. Why J'onn doesn't think Twat Lobo is a threat, I don't know! Doesn't he realize I'm going to be paying $2.99 a month to read his twatty adventures?! Help a brother out here, J'onn! Let Supergirl kill him!

And Green Arrow can stab a baby in the face. Right, J'onn? Um, J'onn? J'ONN! You forgot Green...ah, who cares.

All else doesn't fail, but Supergirl steps up and takes over J'onn's plan anyway. She takes Byth to a secret corner of Rann to beat him senseless leaving Stargirl and J'onn to deal with Ace Ultra, Toddler Destroyer of Worlds. He's really aging quickly now. Like one of those god-awful commercials companies are currently in love with where they show one person age across their entire life in the span of two minutes of ad time. Fuck you, whatever companies those are but I don't know because I'm an awful capitalist and only remember my own rage and not the product I'm mad at. Like I need any more reminders of my fleeting mortality! Now you want to sell me a product based on the fact that I'm aging quicker and quicker and will soon be feeding worms? Fuck off, you bastards! You've just ruined my night!

With Byth out of the way, J'onn manages to convince Ace Ultra that they can help him.

If only Byth had introduced Ace Ultra to the Stranger Danger Campaign earlier in his life cycle. It's never too early to start teaching your child to trust no one!

Meanwhile Hawkman sacrifices himself to save Rann by flying off into the sky with the unstable Zeta Beam Core. But when it explodes, he probably just got teleported forward in time a little bit to just after he blew up with the core because there were voices coming out of the Zeta Beam Matrix that didn't belong to anybody earlier. So it was probably Sardath saying, "I can't--I--," which probably meant he can't believe Hawkman sacrificed himself. And then another voice was saying, "Sardath?" And that voice was either Hawkman saying it or Animal Man saying it while elbowing Sardath and looking at Hawkman suddenly appearing.

The speech bubbles could also just have been placed funny. But it didn't look like a mistake.

And then Lobo runs over Supergirl's vagina.

FWAASH!

Only long time readers will understand the "FWAASH" caption. So basically, nobody understood it and I'm just sitting her amusing myself.

I said "amusing," not "abusing." Pervs.

Twat Lobo rescues Byth and they fly away to be super fucking annoying another day. And Supergirl recovers Hawkman's body and declares he's dead. Sure, sure. And he lost an arm as well, didn't he? He'll be back on his feet in no time. I have got to get me some of that Nth metal.

Justice League United #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. So far, I heartily approve of chili. Also of this team. My favorite part of this issue was when Martian Manhunter forgot Green Arrow, even though that was probably a mistake. But then I have a history of loving mistakes. When I first saw The Goonies in the theater, my favorite part was when Data said his favorite part was the Octopus! But there was no octopus! Man, I thought that was hilarious! The little genius smarting off and lying to the local media! My hero! Of course, years later, Disney decided to stick the octopus scene back in when they aired it on the Disney Channel and it ruined my entire life. That's the exact moment I just said, "To hell with it all." And that's why I'm a petty little asshole on the internet making fun of the creators of DC Comics. Thanks a lot, Disney!

Green Lantern Corps #33

Somebody at DC misspelled "death"!

The way the last "In the post-penultimate issue of Uprising, tragedy is a word that isn't harsh enough for what happens!" teaser box implied sadness and disaster, I suspected that Fatality would die so that a spot could open up in the Star Sapphire Bowling Team. And guess who's good at bowling?! PB Anj with the crusts cut off! But when I give it any thought, I have to believe that I would have heard about Fatality's death long before now. She's a woman of color, so Tumblr should have been lit up like my uncle on Christmas Eve. Unless only "lit" means drunk like a motherpooper and "lit up" is just nonsense when applied to my overly touchy, drunk uncle. Druncle?

Besides, the real conversations about comic books take place three to four months before a comic book is ever released. Why are comic book readers so passionate about the solicits but then when the actual comic book which provoked such heated conversations finally hits the shelves, nobody ever talks about it? No wonder DC doesn't give a shit about what fans think. They obviously just read DC's solicits which are free and never actually buy any of the comic books! It's a whole lot of discussion over a ghost's fart.

You know, something might be wrong with my metaphor generator this morning. I don't think I've ever had any discussion ever about ghost's farts? Of course, I don't have any discussions about solicits either, so maybe I meant exactly what I said about ghosts and their disgusting farting. Why did the ghosts always seem to come on road trips with my family instead of remaining in the house they loved to haunt so much?

What was I talking about? Oh yeah! I know I don't seek out spoilers for future events in the DC Universe but I have to believe that the death of Fatality would have somehow reached me. Especially with that PB Anj obsessed mrwyx constantly asking me speculative questions on the daily habits of Prixiams and Star Sapphires.

Shouldn't somebody clean up those corpses? Can't Durlans shape-shift into corpses?! Or maybe they've husked and have shifted into Sand Fleas!

Too bad John didn't get the memo that this crossover was six issues long and the sixth issue was just now beginning! He probably would have finished burning the Durlan corpses instead of taking Fatality by the hand so he could fuck her on the beach as Mogo watched from orbit and little Zezzen children lapped at their feet in the energy tide.

Also, that creepy living planet won't stop staring.

I suppose Fatality isn't concerned with Mogo watching since she and John have already fucked on Mogo's face multiple times. It's been so often, I have to think that John, Yrra, and Mogo are in a polywoggly relationship.

One of the Zezzite children washes up on shore to learn how the humans procreate. Does the friction of the male genitalia rubbing frantically against the inner walls of the female genitalia create a spark which becomes a new being? Sorry for my younger readers for getting so graphic about human sexuality! Not because I don't think knowledge about procreation is inappropriate for human beings of any age! I just don't want them to know anything that they're not really ready to know. The problem with understanding how nice it is to not know something is that you don't know how nice it was until you know the thing that was making you happy and innocent by not knowing it.

Sometimes I think my sentences come out of me like an Escher print.

Anyway, about that Zezzite kid that was curious about human lovemaking?

Take that, you curious little bitch!

Once Fatality eats a child, John Stewart begins to think something might be wrong. Turns out, he's right! Fatality has been a Durlan all along! Or at least since she was captured by Durlans and John had to save her. So I take back the thing about John and Yrra and Mogo being in a relationship since it was actually John and Mogo and Verrat Din the Durlan.

Verrat Din is no longer a Durlan! Verrat Din has consumed the energy flesh of a child and has now become Verrat Din the Daxamite! Not long now before the entire universe learns about the Daxamite allergy to lead!

The Love Ring (I'm not talking about anybody's anal sphincter) realizes it's made a mistake and leaves Verrat Din to try to find Yrra. It only gets about an inch away before Verrat Din crushes it with her Daxamite strength. John's main concern (before the ring says something about Yrra and John realizes she's still alive) is that he slept with a Durlan.

So, does John add her to his list of people he's slept with? It's not like fucking a Durlan that replicated Yrra exactly was any different than fucking Yrra. Even the ring was fooled and the ring is a way better judge of character than John Stewart. I suppose it depends what kind of a list John keeps. Does he keep a list to remember all of the beautiful, intimate moments he's shared with others across his life? Or does he have a list simply to brag about the variety of experiences he's had with different partners? Hmm, I think Verrat Din would still have to make both of those lists.

I also suppose this was technically rape although John probably won't give it a second thought. Although Yrra might! "You couldn't tell that wasn't me?! Right. You pig!" And then John will have to pretend that it was traumatizing when he found out. "I was disgusted with myself! How could I have been with that monster?! She took advantage of me!" Then he'll cry green construct tears and Yrra will forgive him and they'll live happily ever after. But not on Mogo because Mogo loved Verrat Din and not Yrra. Mogo probably knew it wasn't Yrra all along but nobody asked. Mogo just thought it was a roleplaying sex game.

As seen at the end of Green Lantern #33, John gets a message out to Hal that the battle isn't over. Luckily Hal is currently on Mogo and Mogo is currently in orbit around Zezzen. So he and the rest of the gang should be down in a few moments.

Hopefully John can survive those few moments.

Verrat Din lets John live because that's what Evil Mr. Smartypantses do. They say stupid crap like, "I'm going to let you live so you can feel bad about something else I do for the short amount of time you have left to live." Usually none of that stuff happens though. Letting a hero live to see you do something vile simply means you're going to fail at the vile thing and the hero will continue to live. Why do all the Evil Mr. Smartypantses have such a blind spot when it comes to killing the hero?

Anyway, Verrat Din lands on Stel before the Green Lanterns can land on Zezzen. Stel is a Green Lantern on Mogo, so it's kind of bad news for Stel. Luckily Stel is some kind of robot-alien so he might be repairable.

Thank you, Van Jensen! Finally somebody writing a character's binary language writes something coherent! In this case, Stel says, "Ow."

Now that Verrat Din is on Mogo, can't Mogo just move into an area of space with no yellow sun? Do it while Verrat Din is distracted fighting other Green Lanterns! How long does the strength of a Daxamite last once they've left an area lit by a yellow sun? I don't know the answers to any questions about Daxamites unless it's about exposure to lead. And then it has to be a really simple one like "Will being around lead eventually kill a Daxamite?" as opposed to "How much lead is needed to kill a Daxamite in under five minutes while traveling to Chicago on a train loaded with dynamite?"

While Hal Jordan and the other Green Lanterns are busy with Verrat Din, Mogo and Daggle execute the rest of the Durlan prisoners. Hal might be a little bit pissy about that later since it goes against Earth's Geneva Convention, but what is he going to do about it? Fire Green Lantern Headquarters?!

Oliversity is the first Green Lantern to fall during the fight but that's okay because Oliversity has a stupid name.

Okay, so technically, Mogo didn't kill the Durlans. Mogo just turned the Durlans into Forever Goo (TM). "It slides down stairs, gets stuck in hair! It makes a squishedy sound! Everyone loves Forever Goo(TM)!"

Once John returns to get all of his ribs broken, Verrat Din realizes Mogo is moving away from the sun. And since she has only been a Daxamite for a short period of time, she won't have much sun energy to last her for long. Maybe she'll die in space trying to get to another sun!

Verrat Din never even makes it off planet. She's subdued and powerless. John Stewart is left feeling sorry for himself once again. But he doesn't have time to really contemplate his mistake of consorting with the enemy that he didn't know was an enemy. He has to go find Yrra! Does that mean the next huge Green Lantern Crossover will be called "The Search for Love!"?

As a final epilogue, the reader learns that "Uprising" was just a mini-crossover prologue to another huge cosmic crossover headed the Green Lantern's way as they battle the Shadow Empire, whoever they are.

Green Lantern Corps #33 Rating: No change. I only have one last thing to wonder about this story arc. Once Van Daggle gave the Green Lantern Databanks the information it needed for the rings to detect Durlans, why didn't it realize Fatality was one? I understand that story wise, that would have ruined the big twist surprise ending. I guess it's one of those comic book things where I, as a reader, have to fill in the gaps and believe that the Star Sapphire ring was able to conceal Verrat Din's real identity. Or maybe, as Verrat Din explains earlier in the comic, she was just that good at impersonating Fatality. Or maybe, just maybe, Verrat Din really did love John Stewart!

Remember how I mentioned the comic book discussions usually take place three to four months ahead of their publication date and don't really revolve much around the comic books that are actually sitting on the shelves? I bet this issue of Green Lantern Corps would have sparked some serious outrage if DC had put in the solicits, "John Stewart gets tranny tricked." Hell, just typing that phrase could spark outrage but I don't know how else to point out that this issue can easily be read as a story about transphobia! Just look at how John Stewart is so angry that he almost kills Verrat Din at the end of the issue. It's actually quite disturbing, especially since John has been the most adamant against killing Corps enemies (although he'll kill friends in a heartbeat, no problem!).

John is right to be angry at Verrat Din for a lot of reasons but this scene really seems to make it apparent he's mostly concerned with one reason alone. And it doesn't have anything to do with Yrra currently in some serious fucking trouble.

Pardon my ignorance but reading the story within this context, I have to ask: Do trans people actually eat small children? I bet that's just a metaphor for something else, right? Something about the suppression of one's true being during childhood due to the pressures and biases of society? Or something?