Batman Eternal #42

Bluebird's identity is easier to figure out than Superman's.

Last issue was disgusting and we shan't talk about it any longer. Because it was full of semen! At least my issue was.

Harper Row has donned her sidekick costume because she needs to save all of the other sidekicks from The Mad Hatter's treachery! The exclamation point at the end of that sentence tells you how exciting last issue was and that if you missed it, you should feel empty inside. Now Harper is running across the rooftops like a Batkid. She's got what it takes to save the day! The skills (kind of)! The intelligence (her best attribute after her butt!)! The know-how!

Okay, maybe not the know-how. You're supposed to crash through that, stupid!

Harper has built a suit that repels nanobots. She's going to be rich! Every hero in the DC Universe except for Hawkman who currently wants to fuck a woman filled with nanobots will want to buy one! But instead of going on the Shark Tank to be scammed by multimillionaire scammers, she's going to use it herself and save the day. Or save the Batkids' day, anyway. I think there is too much day to be saved in Batman Eternal for a newly minted, wet behind the ears sidekick.

Meanwhile Spoiler wakes up in a strange room without her Spoiler costume. It took me literally eighteen years to figure out who she was without her costume on. And don't get excited thinking she was all tits and vagina swinging all over the room. She was wearing clothes but they weren't her Spoiler costume kind of clothes. Just a tank top and sweats.

Stephanie's mom sent Killshot to recover her and keep her safe before one of the other bounty hunters found her. Ha ha! Killshot! I bet Snyder and all the other guys writing this book had a good laugh about using him as the bounty hunter. What a stupid fucking name! The only way it could have been dumber is if they had used White Rabbit!

That's obviously a threat. From my experience, mothers are awful people! I hope my mother doesn't know about this blog!

Meanwhile Harper is completely fucking up her rescue attempt. She falls on her butt. Then she falls on her butt again. Then she gets the attention of The Mad Hatter. Then she shows her butt and it's definitely sidekick worthy.

See? Even Bowl Cut likes it.

By the way, the nanobots still look like semen flying all over the room. Everybody else's semen comes out in thick, glowing ropes, right?

Who else grew up in the 70s and had that Spider-man web making stuff? I know I seem to be a DC Man since I'm reading all the New 52 stuff but I grew up wanting to be Spider-man. I loved the cartoon and I had the Spider-Man Mego and some ship or something. Maybe I just used a ship from some other line of toys and called it the Spider-Ship? Anyway, the Spider-man web stuff came in a little tube that looked just like a crazy glue tube. And you'd squeeze a little out and stick it on a leaf and pull it along while squeezing the tube and stick it on another leaf and presto! Instant one strand of web that looked like a homeless guy just whipped out his half-erect cock and splashed pre-cum all over the bushes. Not that I realized that as a little tyke. But if you want proof that parents weren't uptight fucks in the 70s like they are today, that Spider-man web kit is proof. No parents ever tried to get it pulled off the market because it looked like their child was covered in semen. And they weren't fucking naive either like kids today like to think anybody born pre-1994 was. They probably just raised an eyebrow and looked at each other and laughed and finished off another box of wine. Nowadays, one fucking Playdoh dispenser looks like an erect cock and people go crazy!

Harper tricks The Mad Hatter into thinking she likes him and then she shouts, "Ha ha! Friend zoned!" and she kicks his hat off. Then The Mad Hatter falls down screaming, "I should have listened to the Meninists!"

Oh Harper Row. I would Friend Zone you so fucking hard!

If "Meninist" is a play on "Feminist," shouldn't it be "Menifist"? Or Men-I-Fist, amirite?!

Harper Row destroys The Mad Hatter's gigantic phallus with just a thought and it withers away into nothing. And all the children are free! Hooray! I guess. I kind of liked when they were all in one place and out of the way.

Batman arrives in time to feel like he helped stop Jervis. He discovers that Harper Row is a better detective than he is but only when she's investigating The Mystery of Her Brother's Stupid Butt. In Mad Hatter's pocket, Batman finds another one of the poorly printed invitations to the destruction of Gotham City. Those invitations really are boring. A monk must have designed them. Who does Batman know that's a monk and avoids all frills and bells and whistles and really cute fonts and possibly a little monkey drawn in the corner with a speech bubble saying, "Monkeys like butt secks!"

Harper tells Red Robin that it's been her lifelong dream to be a sidekick, ever since she saved Batman's life with a car battery. But Batman was always, "Blah blah blah!" Which was his long-winded way of saying "No." But now they all have to accept her because she solved the mystery and saved the children! Also, Batman said, "Hm." That's practically a guarantee of sidekickmanship! It wasn't like he said "-tt-"! That would have been bad!

And then Selina arrives at Stephanie's mom's house and captures her. The story is almost up to the preview story from a year ago!

Batman Eternal #42 Rating: No change. Doesn't this have to be over in ten weeks? Am I wrong about that? Shouldn't it only be a one year story?! I'm getting nervous! I've also figured out who the big bad villain is! It's Alfred! He probably printed up the invites on the shitty little dot matrix printer in his tiny little room in Arkham Manor because Alfred isn't allowed to use the Batcomputer for his own personal projects. Which might also be part of the motive for wanting to tear Batman down.

Batman Eternal #41

Gross! This cover makes me wish the Comics Code Authority still existed! I've never seen this much semen come out of a anybody's head ever! And I've watched a goodly share of bukake porn!

This cover looks a lot like one of the spreads from that magazine I found in the bushes when I was a youngster. It was called Girls Who Eat Cum. How is it we live in a world where parents and congress and some guy named Fredric were once concerned about children reading books with werewolves in them but a magazine all about men coming on women's faces was able to make it on the newsstands? Who was the genius who greenlit that project?

Cum Loving Genius: "You know what the world needs? More graphic porn highlighting men ejaculating on women's faces!"
Non-Genius Partner: "Okay but where in the world are we going to sell this magazine?"
Cum Loving Genius: "Wherever they sell blow up dolls and rubber vaginas!"
Non-Genius Partner: "Don't you think there's a limited audience for this? Do you think we'll sell enough copies to even pay the women eating the cum?"
Cum Loving Genius: "Just pay one woman and buy some wigs! And don't pay the men. They'll be happy just participating!"
Non-Genius Partner: "I don't know. This feels wrong. And I just got done putting the final touches on Stuff In Butts Monthly!"

If there has never been a magazine called Stuff In Butts, I will be so fucking disappointed in you, America.

Jesus Christ, DC Comics! Nothing ever offends me and even I'm offended by your new rag, Children Who Eat Cum!

Red Robin and Harper Row are keeping an eye on these cum devouring kids because they're being controlled by somebody. The kids are out stealing materials day and night then delivering them to a warehouse where they're building a huge metal phallus. Maybe that's why they're gathering so much cum! This phallus needs to be filled somehow.

Meanwhile Spoiler is knocked out by some guy in motocross protective gear who says he's been paid to protect her. I suppose unconscious people are easier to protect. Plus when he carries her to wherever he's going to protect her, he can touch her butt. Not in an erotic way! Just in that way where you casually touch it with your hand so that...okay, yeah. In an erotic way.

Why are butts so sexy? We all know poop comes out of them, right?

Where'd Barbara Gordon go? Who is this new, snottier version of Batgirl?! I love her! Look at how big her chin and cheek is! Can you imagine how much cum could splash across that?

The still living Batkids swing into action and bust into the warehouse to save the children from their new, horrible diet. I wonder if Batgirl will see the giant penis they're building and say, "What is that thing? A big pink rocket or something?" See, she's never seen a penis before! Well, maybe she saw one on her friend's phone but there was a glare from the sun on the screen and the shot was fuzzy and dark because nobody who sends dick pics really knows how to light them well. Also she might have sucked one the first night in her new apartment in the Burnside neighborhood but she was too drunk to remember, even if she does have an eidetic memory.

Harper Row stays behind because Red Robin is all, "You can't come. Blah blah blah. I'm a fucking bigshot sidekick and you're just a nobody nothing!" And Harper mumbles, "I'll show you. I'm gonna be Bluebird or something and then you'll see. Stupid Red Robin. Blue is so much better. Dumb male idiot man."

Ha ha ha! See? What'd I tell you? Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Red Robin is all, "Um, uh...well it's...uh, Todd?" And Red Hood is all, "It's a fucking cock, Batgirl! A huge, veiny, throbbing trouser snake! It's not as big as mine though." And Batgirl turns bright red and goes, "Oh! Um, I knew that! I've seen so many! Duh! I was just joking!"

The Batkids discover that The Mad Hatter is behind the kids building the phallus. Of course he is! It's mind control, isn't it? Who else does mind control in Gotham City? No, seriously, who else does it? There must be more than just the idiot Jervis Tetch.

Harper Row tries to warn Red Robin to get out before the Mad Hatter does whatever the Mad Hatter is going to do. It probably has something to do with cum splashing all over Red Robin's face on the cover of this issue. I guess he's going to turn the gigantic phallus on Tim and shoot off a load.

The Batkids become assimilated (although the nanobots prefer to say "acclimated" because that makes it different somehow) and now only Harper Row is left to save them! But will she go against Red Robin's command that she not be a sidekick! Remember how he said she has a choice to continue living her normal life that's not really that normal but at least she isn't swinging around Gotham at midnight on a Wayne Tech Grappling Hook? Will she don a costume to save her brother? Did I use the word "don" correctly? Isn't that usually a name?!

I think I'd recognize her by her piercings. And her butt.

Batman Eternal #41 Rating: No change. I really enjoyed this issue since it concentrated on the Batkids. But I think it's already ranked right about where it should be ranked (if not, maybe, a bit too high). So no change! But I do think a book that focused on the Batkids in Gotham would be a fun book. DC Comics should do that. It should be a thing.

Batman Eternal #36

You'll be shocked and utterly dismayed by what I conclude in my conclusion!

So many different plot threads have come loose from the Batman Eternal Christmas sweater that even the knitters probably don't know how many there are. Up until I opened Batman Eternal #36, I'd completely forgotten about what's-her-name and her stupid kid brother, what's-his-name. I'm glad I already typed that so that I can leave it even though I just remembered that her name is Harper and her brother's name is the gay kid in the coma full of nanobots. That's not what his convict dad put on the birth certificate but it's what all his friends call him when they're punching him in the face and taking his lunch money.

You'd be completely bewildered and annoyed by the sentence that I just deleted which you'll never get to read even if you click on the link I'm not providing!

Please. If you caught Red Robin coming out of the shower, Red Robin wanted to be caught coming out of the shower!

Harper concludes her shower story saying she "didn't see anything R-rated." Of course you didn't! Red Robin doesn't have boobies or vaginal pubic hair! Although, to be fair, movies and cable television have begun showing flaccid wieners like never before! I've seen Jason Segel's penis and Jason Mewes penis and Kevin McKidd's penis and probably some other penises that I don't remember who they belonged to. I imagine there are a lot more to be seen but since I haven't had cable television in over a decade and most cartoon or super hero movies don't show a guy's junk, I've probably missed a lot of onscreen ween.

Red Robin realizes Batman needs his help so he asks Harper to coordinate with the Batcave while he rushes out to save Batman's life. Although before he even leaves the Robin's Nest, the Batmobile is crashing out of the window of Wayne Tower, so it's more likely that Red Robin will be pulling Batman's corpse from the Batmobile. I guess this is the part where Harper and Penny-Two become Besties and decide to put on costumes and become full-fledged Batman sidekicks?

Penny-Two gives the "Blue Rose" code to the batcomputer which must mean Alfred is a huge fan of Fire Walk With Me. I don't know what the command does but hopefully it saved Batman's life somehow because seconds after Penny-Two says it, the Batmobile crashes into the streets of Gotham and explodes.

Meanwhile, Vicki Vale finishes up her story she's been investigating in Detroit.

That's not how you do journalism! You don't throw the truth away once you find it! You publish it, you dodo!

After Vicki hangs up, Batman punches Bard in the face just like Vicki Vale said he would. She's a good reporter! She might be better than Lois Lane! She just hasn't had all the same breaks. If only Vicki could work for a lush organization like The Daily Planet. Working in Metropolis? Where they have a superhero that likes to be reported on and will give interviews?! How can Vicki Vale compete when, even if you can pin him down and ask him a question, Batman just disappears when you glance down at your notepad?

When Jason Bard points a gun at The Batman and threatens to arrest him, everybody reading this comic book thinks, "What an ass!" Also, the Batkids drop by to make sure Bard gets the point that he might be Commissioner but he doesn't make the Batlaw in Gotham. Batlaw is the usual laws that exist but they don't have to be followed by members of the Batfamily. That's the main reason they wear masks. Not to protect loved ones but so nobody knows exactly who to serve the summons to when trying to sue their asses in civil courts.

Hush would probably like a grilled cheese. Tim and Jason don't want waffles.

Batman points out to his Kids that everything they've experienced so far must be connected. But he just can't figure out which one of his enemies can put together such a twisted, complex, scheme that has so many interlocking parts. Like a puzzle! I mean, who the fuck could be behind it all?! I tried guessing this before and could only come up with enemies like The Puzzler or the Brainteaser or the Gameplayer. It's just beyond me who it could be!

The Riddler? No, I don't buy it. His invitations would have had cute little question marks all over them.

Batman Eternal #36 Rating: No change. Okay, so it is true that the Riddler left a coded clue in which the codebreaker needed to use his name, Engyma, to crack the code. And then the code said that if you were smart enough to read the code, you would already know who is behind Gotham's problems. So that kind of points to The Riddler as the Mastermind, doesn't it? Plus it's the kind of crazy fucking Rube Goldbergesque plan The Riddler enjoys putting together. And I'd be satisfied with The Riddler since he's smart enough to put this shit together. I was really upset when it seemed Hush was behind it all! I doubt Hush would have spelled every word on the invitations correctly.

Oh wait! I think I promised something shocking in my conclusion. Um...kittens fart poison!

Batman Eternal #19

I said this in a conversation today: "I probably would have accidentally drowned her in the bathtub while cleaning my gun!"

Don't worry! It was facetious! I don't even have a license for a bathtub. Also, bathtubs don't kill people! People kill people! Wait, that doesn't actually defend me or my statement, does it? I meant to say, "The bathtub made my hypothetically do it!" Fucking bathtubs.

I almost asked a Portland cop last night what he thought about the events in Ferguson but I didn't want to get shot. So instead I just said, "Pardon me" and "Excuse me, fellas" as I negotiated my way past them, carefully and obsequiously. Then once I was out of earshot, I mumbled, very quietly lest they make note of my defiance, "Fucking fuckers fucking fucked, man." I guess even if they heard me say that, they probably wouldn't have had any idea what I was going on about.

Cops are arrogant motherfuckers and I don't just mean the ones that shoot unarmed black men or the ones that defend the ones that shoot unarmed black men. All of them. Even the "good" ones. I was once pulled over by the mousiest cop I've ever seen outside of film. He said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" And I said, "Yeah, because I pulled across all the lanes after making the right hand turn." He just looked at me, dumbfounded, for a few seconds before saying, "Oh. I always ask that and nobody ever knows why I pulled them over." Just because I broke some driving rule doesn't mean I don't know it, sir. And, I might add, I broke it for a legitimate reason! Because following the law, in this case, becomes more dangerous than pulling the maneuver I just made. Any police officer would probably do what I had just done and think nothing of it because they're arrogant jerks that think they're the only people that can make informed decisions regarding disobeying the law. But since I was just a lowly citizen, I needed to be taught a fucking lesson. Especially, as the cop noted before deciding not to ticket me but to give me a website to go to so I could "bone up" on the law I just broke, the maneuver I just pulled was "his pet peeve." So that's how you give out tickets, you mousy fuck? When something "irritates" you? Hell, why am I surprised at that when cops have obviously decided it's okay to shoot black men and the mentally ill because they "irritate" them.

I've said it on this blog many, many, many times and usually when nothing anti-police is even happening in the news because cops just, generally, suck: Fuck the police.

Anyway, down in Little North America, Batwoman and Red Hood are having a little trouble with Little Red Riding Hood.

Should you really be joking about peacekeepers "trying their best" not to shoot people, DC Comics?

Oh, who am I kidding! Of course they can joke about that! Just because injustice exists and tragedy happens, it doesn't mean people can't continue to enjoy their good fortune at being born white in America! Although it's probably better to be born rich in America, no matter what you look like. Although nobody has it as tough as me, third generation Spanish-American! That means I've been Americanized long enough to not know Spanish, so I'm looked down on for not speaking my great grandparent's native language! Plus my great-grandparents and grandparents worked their asses off to provide a better life for their descendants, a life that I'm squandering and not working hard at at all! Just try living with that guilt! It's nearly distracting once or twice a year!

Back in Gotham, Batman is still working with Killer Croc.

Says the guy that didn't seem to mind killing Talons.

Killer Croc informs Batman that these corpses were zombies like the Talons, so it was okay to kill them. Although the Talons had quite a bit of mental acuity for zombies. Maybe Batman didn't kill any of them. Or he only killed the ones whose brainwave functions were basically flatlined. Batman's rule about not killing things gets a little hazy at times.

Batman doesn't want to hear about "reanimated corpses" risen from Hell and filled with evil because he's a man of science!

Says the guy that just recently got back from a visit to Heaven.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Prison, Scott Snyder and the other writers send a message to Ann Nocenti by killing one of hers: Fishnet Face. Things are about to get ser...wait. Did I say Snyder and Nocenti?! Whoops! My mistake. I meant Falcone sent a message to The Penguin! I'm so embarrassed. How could I have made such a stupid error?

Ahem. Anyway, a riot breaks out in Blackgate and Warden "My heart is hers" Zorbatos comes to take Gordon into her custody to keep him safe. But Gordon, being the consummated hero, heads right down the throat of the riot to save the guards. What a guy!

Back to Brazil, Batwoman catches up to the man that helped frame Jim Gordon for the subway derailment in Gotham: Dr. Falsario! I'm not sure why Doctor Forger (if I'm allowed to translate his name from nearly Spanish) is a doctor when he commits crimes and runs a knockoff toy factory! I guess he's an auto-plastic surgeon, doing his own work for each of his different crimes.

As I was looking through the old DC Who's Who that came out around Crisis on Infinite Earths, I noticed that all the entries for villains or heroes with "Doctor" in their super name also had "Doctor" added to their alias. At least this was true for all of the male "Doctors." Doctor Light, Kimiyo Hoshi, did not get the honorific. Secret sexism at work? Of course!

Oh, and then Batwoman lets "Doctor" Falsario escape so that Batgirl can chase him down on her own since this is about family duty or some crap. The best part of the entire scene is where we learn that Batgirl was responsible for Jason Todd's death at the hands of The Joker!

See? She put the doubt in his head! She forced him to prove himself too soon by going after The Joker alone!

As Gordon begins saving the guards of Blackgate, Batman discovers that the person responsible for Croc's missing friend, the child Jade, is the Ten-Eyed Man. Why is he called The Ten-Eyed Man? Because comic book writers across the years loved to come up with stupid gimmicks. So the Ten-Eyed Man went blind due to an explosion. No, wait! That's too mundane for a comic book. Stuck between his eyes, The Ten-Eyed Man had a piece of shrapnel from a grenade blowing up in his face in Vietnam. The explosion aggravated this old injury and he went blind. None of that really matters except to have a good story about why Philip Reardon (that's his name!) went blind. The reason he's now The Ten-Eyed Man is because Dr. Engstrom (The Alchemist! Not to be confused with Dr. Langstrom, the Man-Bat!), showing off to all the other scientists at S.T.A.R. Labs, reconnected Phil's optic nerves to the tips of his fingers. Seems like an awful lot of extra work but then again, I'm not a mad scientist. What do I know? I was going to suggest The New 52 Ten-Eyed Man had a different explanation for his powers but the pads on his fingers in one panel make it seem like he's the same old experimented on victim of Dr. Engstrom's showboating.

Batman Eternal #19 Rating: No change. One of the things I like about this book is that a lot of shit is going on all at the same time. It gives a feeling of how Gotham really operates on a day to day basis that you don't get in the normal Batman comics where Batman deals with one crisis at a time. Unless, of course, he's involved in some huge crossover event or one of those stories where everybody in Arkham breaks out at the same time. This is the way continuity should be handled! Just keep it all to one book! Whatever Batman is doing outside of this title, he's just doing during a break or something. Who cares where it fits in to the timeline of every story in The New 52. You'll go mad and burn up trying to create a timetable of all comic book events ever! Just ask Canonology who hasn't updated since March!

Batman Eternal #15

The center bar of my comic slot machine seems to have just missed the jackpot. Dang it.

Previously in Batman Eternal, nobody has mentioned why the comic book is named Batman Eternal. Now on with the story....

Batwing and The Spectre are making their way into Arkham Asylum. The Spectre is probably pouting because he's supposedly God's Wrath but he's been fairly useless since Jesus came around and pointed out that love was better. Unless he just pointed out that love and hate don't matter at all since everybody should only be concerned with the afterlife. I think that was his main message. Why wasn't the New Testament just a few sentences: "Do whatever you want. Pretend you're remorseful. Repeat after me: I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Oh, and don't forget to tithe!"

Batwing is probably pouting because he's just plain useless.

Who said an Irishman can't know Italian? Batwing needs to go fishing with his grandfather.

My Italian is a little bit rusty but I'll try my best to translate it: "Yo! Guido! Your mother, she worka in dis crazy place? Alla da time? 'Ey!" Hmm, maybe I need to book a fishing trip with my grandfather as well.

I apparently also think that the period translates to a question mark from Italian to English.

Batwing and The Spectre find Arkham trashed, the convicts missing, and the guards killed or missing. That just means it's Wednesday.

As he flies into Tokyo, Red Robin finally lets Harper Row know that he knows that she's aboard the Drakeplane. He probably should think up a new name for his plane before it gives his secret identity away.

Is Tim hitting on Harper? I love the Stress Position! Although I couldn't last nine hours. I mean, of course I could! But who would want to?! I have things to do that don't involve doing it all of the time, constantly and well!

Once they land, Harper Row dons a mask and invites herself to be Red Robin's sidekick. But her mask is basically The Grifter's mask! What is wrong with her?! I thought she was smart! Is she a fan of Grifter? I'm so disappointed in Harper right now. Grifter is awful! Just in case anybody skips this paragraph because it's too long and they're just skimming for tales of my unbridled sexual unbridledness, I'll say that again in a new paragraph.

Grifter is awful!

Back in Arkham Asylum, Batwing's systems discover that the air is full of human spinal fluid. That's not good, right? That's how the next Silent Hill game can differentiate itself from the rest of the horror genre. Come with an adapter that fits into the nose and squirts a fine mist of various human bodily fluids into your nostrils as you play. The Spectre (who I should probably be calling Jim since he's pretending to be human right now. But when have I ever been clear and concise and honest?) notices a magic spell on the wall in The Riddler's old cell and an upside down waterfall of blood in The Scarecrow's cell. Batwing comes up with a good idea though! Call Batman!

Oh bull poop! Batman is never busy! He's capable of guest starring in every comic book, every month, if he wanted to. If he doesn't show up to help, he's got a reason. I think his reason this time is that he just doesn't like working with Luke Fox. Or he hates the Goddamned Irish. One of those.

I just experienced a moment of déjà vu when I typed "the Goddamned Irish." That's either cool because déjà vu is always an interesting experience or it's disturbing because I type "the Goddamned Irish" way too much!

Batwing and Jim discover The Scarecrow being used as a magic blood pylon while he mutters some Niggaz Wit Attitudes song. Something about dying in a fire while on venom or something. Maybe it's just magic words. Mostly it doesn't matter because it's at this moment that ghosts attack Jim and Luke, Jim points out he knows who's behind this all (but he doesn't say. They never say. It would take one second to say. Does he say? No. He doesn't), and then Jim tries his best not to become the Wrath of God for some reason. Probably for the same reason Jason Blood hates to become Etrigan. Because he winds up sitting around in Hell for unknown amounts of time. Although, Jim would get to sit around Heaven, right? Maybe he hates harp music and overly nice angels that just want to make him feel at home.

Sorry, Batwing. The Wrath of God works in mysterious ways.

Batwing winds up face to, um, face? with The Joker's Daughter while Jim Corrigan meets the man behind it all: Mister Bygone!

Wait. Who?

Later there's a scene where Batman finally accepts Jason Bard's handshake. I guess that means he accepts Batman's way of catching criminals which means no killing. Sure, you can beat them within inches of death and, sure, occasionally the doctors lose one of them to their injuries later at the hospital. But that's an acceptable loss and can be attributed to medical error. You never see Penny-One lose a patient.

And later still, Batgirl discovers that she's not only working with Red Hood (unwillingly!), but now she has to work with Batwoman as well! Although she was super excited to work with Batwoman way back in Batgirl Issue Number Older Issue. I guess she's over the excitement of meeting a hot celebrity.

Batman Eternal #15 Rating: No change. I sure wish the person behind all the magic under Arkham had been somebody I recognized! Although then I would have been disappointed and ranted about how the chump couldn't have pulled off everything the person was pulling off. I just can't be happy with anything! I do hope he makes Jim Corrigan suck his dick though. No wait! I don't hope that at all because that's mean! Although I'm hoping it about fictional characters that can't actually undergo the trauma of the horrible things that happen to them. So I've changed my mind! I hope Mister Bygone does pull out his cock and drag it across Jim's cheek. But only that! That's acceptable, right? If it isn't, pretend I didn't hope for that and continue to respect me and not feel disappointed in me at all, okay dad? I mean readers!

Batman #12

I knew Batman received his powers through black magic rituals.

The Court of Owls story arc is finally over so that's all there is to be said about that. Over. Finally over! It was good but...man! Finally over!

The story begins in the sewers with Harper Row, the girl who shocked Batman back to life when she dragged him from the icy rivers after he escaped the labyrinth underneath Gotham during the Court of Owls story! I'm still not sure who she is but I think she may have had some kind of important role during the Pre-52 universe. Perhaps she was to Batman as Bibbo was to Superman. Or as Sixpack was to Hitman! Whoever she is, it looks like she's just going to get a one-shot storyline here to catch the reader up on how she found Batman and where she goes from there. Because after this issue (and Issue #0), Snyder will be bringing The Joker back! Yay!

Harper has been invited to a Bruce Wayne Gala even though she's not really anybody important. But since Mr. Wayne is tearing down the building she and her younger brother currently live in, the tenants of the building have been invited as special guests. Not because they're being put out on the street. But because Mr. Wayne is building a newer, better, more expensive with probably higher rents building! Perhaps he's invited them all to the fundraiser so that he can give them checks to pay for the motel they'll be living in for the next two years.

Harper's brother Cullen wants her to relax and have a good time and stop worrying this night. She seems to be the responsible one, working to pay their bills, keeping her brother safe from gangs and violence, and trying to find their father. Do I know anyone in the DC Universe with the last name Row? Nope! I don't! Harper doesn't want to go but her brother finally convinces her.

I think Cullen needs to be fitted for a refrigerator.

At the gala fundraiser, Alfred catches Harper stuffing her backpack full of desserts from the dessert table.

No wonder I'm such a fan of Alfred Pennyworth! I'm currently having the brownies too!

Delicious!

Alfred instantly pegs Harper as the poor person who won the raffle to attend Bruce's gala. Alfred probably recommended the brownies because he stuffed them with gold bullion. Harper has Alfred show her the way out with her backpack stuffed full of sugary goodness. He does his best public relations act to try to get her to believe that Bruce Wayne means what he says when it comes to improving Gotham but Harper isn't exactly holding her breath.

Harper returns home to find her brother beaten and bleeding. His hair has been chopped and the assailants shaved the word "fag" into the back of his hair. Cullen pleads with her to leave it or else they'll just attack him and do it again. So she does. But she fixes her hair up too.

Solidarity, homo!

Later that night as Cullen and Harper are heading home, they're accosted by the assholes that beat up Cullen. They act upset that Harper has that haircut when they didn't give it to her. Just like typical assholes. They can always think up a fucking stupid reason to escalate a situation to violence. My favorite is when an asshole makes a shitty comment toward someone and when the person talks back, it's somehow disrespecting the original asshole. And now he has a reason to punch that person in the face. Because how dare they fucking defend themselves with words!

Harper has a taser she's adjusted so that it spits out way more volts than normal (or amps? I don't know which she changed to make it more dangerous). She knocks down one thug but then she and Cullen are suddenly surrounded. This looks like a job for Superman!

Or, you know, this guy.

Once Harper and Cullen are rescued by Batman, Cullen's troubles seem to disappear for the time being. But Harper becomes obsessed with Batman. She watches footage of him on the internet but it's all shaky and vague because it's all been captured via smart phones and hand held cameras. So she decides to log into the street cameras to get a better look, being that she has some slightly illegal access to them being an electrician for the Gotham power grid.

But the access doesn't get her any more footage of Batman.

It doesn't give her any images but it does give her ideas. It's a mystery to discover!

She's a modern day Velma!

Harper also finds a way to use the Bat Boxes to track Batman. And that's when she sees one go down and rushes off to the sewers to help him out. She reactivates the Bat Box but is nearly run down by a large yacht in the sewers. Batman knocks her out of the way with some kind of Bat Cushion Grapple Deal. She sees the boat go by with Batman fighting a tiger on it! This is the kind of crazy shit that goes down in Gotham's sewers! To help Batman, she turns a valve for the sewer run-off which grounds the boat and throws the tiger overboard. Batman catches the guy he was after (Tiger Shark!) and then notices the valve and the missing girl he had to save.

He's quoting Rorschach.

Later, Batman approaches Harper while she's working in the sewers. He tells her she's finished. She tells him, "But...but...but...I was helping!" Batman repeats, "You're finished." Harper says, "But...but...but...." And Batman is gone. But Harper decides she's not finished at all! Who the fuck is Batman to tell her what to do? He can't just save her and her brother from continual torment from the dregs of society and not expect her to try and help him out! And I guess lucky for Batman, she ignores him. So she can be there to revive him during the Court of Owls story. In your face, Batman! You're not always right!

Batman #12 Rating: No change. The story was a nice, interesting one shot. The art for the first twenty pages was cute and sort of anime-ish and comic booky and cartoony and I liked it a lot. The art for the last eight pages was kind of goofy and weird. Most of it I didn't care for but there was one panel of Harper lying on the couch feeling good about helping Batman and that one was cute and looked nice. If the rest of Clarke's panels looked like that, I think I'd really like his work. As it was, it just looked half-assed.