Teen Titans #9

Why does anybody want him?

I just got back from seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the Laurelhurst theater. I've seen it dozens of times since it's as old as me but since it's currently fresh in my head, I thought I'd ramble about it a little bit. First off, it's a great movie with an uplifting message that treats kids as human beings. This movie, along with Mary Poppins, are two of my favorite movies from childhood. The Non-Certified Wife says it's because they're all about chaos. While that's not untrue, I appreciate when adults aren't teaching kids that they must begin learning to act like adults. They're stories about encouraging kids to follow non-practical dreams. Although at the end of Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder basically says he wants a kid to take over his business because they're easier to brainwash and control.

I also realized that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory might be the first modern horror movie. It takes place at an isolated location with a bunch of young people who begin to be killed off by a madman one by one. And none of the deaths are accidents. By the time it's just Charlie and Mike, Wonka takes them on a trip via the Hsawaknow which only has enough room for Wonka and two families. And then when they get to the Wonkavision room, there are only enough outfits to protect the people who are left. Wonka did his research before allowing these kids in and he tempts them one by one with irresistible temptations which he knows will destroy them. Only Charlie gets lucky enough to not be butchered by this slaver madman. I'm pretty sure Wonka even shows a bit of disappointment when Charlie and his Grandpa finally catch back up with the rest of the group.

Now on to Teen Titans and my first thought as I open the book: Kenneth Rocafort's art is seriously making me think about dropping this book. It's not as rock and roll as he'd like to think. I'm not saying it's bad. Hell, I know a lot of people love it. But when I look at it, it feels like razor blades across the back of my brain. It's the visual equivalent of a Ted Nugent song. Damn it. Now I've alienated fans of Ted Nugent as well as fans of Kenneth Rocafort. Bah, fuck it. I don't have time to be concerned with everybody's feelings! I think I might be part Oompa Loompa. Boy, those are judgmental bastards! Fat shaming; parent shaming; hobby shaming. They just never stop with their cute little shame songs!

Red Robin and whichever Teen Titans are still loyal to him have decided to hide Superboy from the STAR Labs group of Teen Titans and J'onn J'onzz. The people after Superboy think he's killed twenty-two Muslims. But they were really Durlans so nobody should be calling him an Islamaphobe. It's more correct to refer to him as a Xenophobe. Anyway, Superboy is currently hiding in the skies of Chicago where he'll be sure to never be seen by anybody except maybe a few fat fucks with giant hot dogs stuffed in their mouths saying, "Ish shat a brd? Ish shat a prawn? It'sh Shlurpermern!"

If anybody purchasing this book thought the two page splash of Superboy flying through the sky when he should be hiding was a waste of two pages, get ready for another full page wasted as Red Robin and Chimera (the Durlan witness to Superboy's murders) have a discussion to explain to the reader why the double splash page was necessary. Superboy just needed to get out and stretch his powers or else he was going to go crazy. Now he's just going to bring the wrath of the non-merciful, justice loving Martian Manhunter down on Chicago.

Fuck you, Tim Drake.

I'm no friend of the media but Tim Drake is acting as if the media should somehow be reporting a version of the story that only exists in his own head. The only reason he's helping Superboy hide from the law is because he knows Superboy didn't commit the murders. And I don't mean "he knows" as in "he has proof." No, he just knows because he's a genius who chose Superboy to be on the Teen Titans and he obviously would never have chosen a murderer because, you know, genius! But Superboy was seen killing these people by at least one witness who spoke to the police (pretty sure it was Chimera who now claims she's certain Superboy didn't do it), he was brought in for questioning, and he broke out of police custody in a violent fight that destroyed the precinct. The law isn't going to stop trying to bring in a potential suspect simply because Tim Drake says they're wrong. Stop being so stupidly naive, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Bunker, Raven, and Garfield are walking the streets of Chicago like it's Disneyland. They're approached by two women who are "huge fans of what they're all about." Oh really? And what is that, exactly? Could it possibly be nothing which is why the girl remains so vague? Yep, that's the correct answer! This comic book has no point except to have a bunch of teens looking like Rocafort teens and doing Pfeifer teen things! I just wish they'd do more on-panel teen sex things so that a middle aged man like myself could stay interested. Oh yeah! Young people fucking! That's worth $2.99! I mean, as long as they're not too young! You know the age I mean! Young adults! The ones right in that age bracket that makes them sexually aware but doesn't allow them (in most states) to actually have sex with most of the population! The age where I'd rather see them fuck each other than have to listen to them discuss anything at all!

I am so non-sports minded that it took me another page to realize what the fuck Gar was talking about here. Just think if it were a couple months earlier. He could have been a racist caricature for the hockey fans!

While a crowd gathers to take pictures with the Teen Titans, a woman falls on the tracks of the 'L' Train. Beast Boy fucks up and can't save her because he turns into a cheetah instead of something that flies. Bunker fucks up and can't save her because he's not fast enough with making floating flying brick shoes. Or something. Raven fucks up because I guess she didn't have the proper spells memorized to save somebody in distress. So Superboy has to fly down and rescue her. Of course he doesn't pick her up and fly her out of danger. No, he drops on the tracks and stops the train on a dime. So I'm assuming at least, oh, forty people are now seriously injured? There aren't any seat belts on these things, Superasshole.

Superboy has been using his powers flying about and stuff but I guess it's only when he blows up a cop's gun in her hands (which, you know, goes a long way to proving he's a good guy, you know?) does he use enough power to alert Manchester Black as to his location. Now the STAR Labs Titans need to gear up and go start a huge brawl in the middle of Chicago for the safety of everybody! Except I think they actually have more selfish motivations that don't really stem from protecting the world from Superboy. Just a hunch.

Kid Flash takes a moment to say "Hey, girls!" as he passes by Wonder Girl and Power Girl. I think that was more an exclamation of surprise than a greeting. You'd think since he has superspeed, he'd at least spend some time bringing Wonder Girl up to speed on how he's back from the future and from the distant planet Takron-Galtos and maybe take a moment to say what happened to Solstice maybe?

Because Superboy appeared and riled up the crowd, they've now turned on the Teen Titans. Yawn. Also, I think I'm offended by every single comic book writer who thinks that most people are irrational, senseless monsters who feel the need to physically assault anything they fear.

The team has an Indigo Lantern and they're relying on Klarion to teleport them? I won't even mention the other ridiculous shit on this page. I'll leave that for y'all in the comments section!

The STAR Labs Titans teleport to just outside of Mento's Chicago apartment and then Cassie punches the door to pieces. At least it's not as bad as Superboy flying straight through the wall. The only thing I've learned from superheroes is that if I ever received super-strength, I'll never open another door or window as long as I live! Once Cassie is inside the apartment, she challenges Superboy to another fight where she'll probably think things like, "He's so dreamy but I must defeat him!" or "I wish we were tussling in bed but he's so bad! In a good way! But not too!" or "He's trying to kill me and it makes me so fucking wet!"

Teen Titans #9 Rating: -1 Ranking because the art is the worst possible art if you're me. Most of you aren't but then you also don't get to rate the comic books on this page. It also gets -1 Ranking for being predictable Teen Titans bullshit where crowds love them but then they also hate them and then the Teen Titans battle some other Teen Titans. Not a hint of justice being served anywhere in the issue!

Teen Titans #8

Lost Boys movie pitch: "Imagine The Outsiders...as vampires!"

When I notice a person on Twitter who follows more than three figures worth of people, I assume they don't read their Twitter feed at all. They probably only read replies and direct messages. I only follow people on Twitter whose tweets I'm interested in reading and at forty-seven people, it's too much. I suppose if I stop following Gail Simone, my Twitter feed would be cut in half. That's an option I'm considering because I can't seem to not read all the new posts from the day before when I first get online. I'm too interested in everything the people I follow have to say and it takes too much time which usually means I need to drop people from my feed. It's all or nothing for me, I suppose.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm using social media haphazardly and incorrectly. I've got the wrong attitude when I think it's about the other people. It's actually about me, isn't it? I'm supposed to make it completely about me! It's the way I approach my comic book blog which is the lamest "social media" experience there is! It's all about the tweets and the status updates and the animated gifs! If I can't boil my comic book commentary down to 140 characters or one hilarious reaction gif then I must be a long-winded witless bore and not very internet savvy. Fucking blogosphere. More like lame-ass-curmudgeon-sphere, amirite?

I think staring at these Teen Titans Lost Boys has gotten my old man dander up! "I don't fit into this world anymore! What's happening?! Why is everything moving so fast?!" Last year was the first year I finally felt like video games have begun to leave me behind. I'm forty-three and I've been gaming since whenever Stunt Cycle came out. Princess Wikipedia says Atari released home console versions of it in 1976.

Here is Stunt Cycle for all y'all that have never even heard of the fucking thing. As Princess Wikipedia notes, these were the years when Evel Knievel was everywhere jumping canyons and Las Vegas fountains and whatever the fuck he could find. I had an Evel Knievel doll with a motorcycle that you placed in this gizmo which you cranked up really quickly and then hit a button to release the motorcycle and he'd fly off whatever huge drop you could find to launch him over. That's probably the toy I most wish I still had.

Anyway, last November the new Call of Duty came out and it's so fucking twitchy that I can't stand it. It's the first video game I've played that I can tell was made for a generation that has completely different attitudes toward gaming. Titanfall had jump jets as well but the pacing and play was smoother and more streamlined. But the Call of Duty jump jets just make everything erratic and insane. But the kids seem to love it, I guess. I'm not horrible at it, so at least I know I still have my gaming skills at middle age. But I just don't like it. It's like trying to kill mosquitoes with a water pistol. I'm assuming. I've never tried that but that feels like it would be as annoying as the new Call of Duty gameplay.

I long for the days of print pornography! End old man rant.

Who's ready to find out what Manchester Black and his buddies are up to?! Yeah, I'm not really that excited either. But I'm sure Kenneth Rocafort's crazy ass lines drawn all over the comic book page will get me pumped up for it! It's like reading a High School year book from the eighties! "We're wild and we're young and we've got zig zaggy neon pink lines all over the place to prove it!"

Why is Bunker declaring New York the greatest city on Earth? He must have discovered Chelsea.

Manchester Black continues to evade actually answering any of Red Robin or Raven's questions so they shrug their shoulders and continue to trust him. Why not? He has a Union Jack tattoo covering his always bare chest, he smokes constantly, he's a tomato goblin, he's purposefully mysterious, and he tells half-truths in a fancy accent. If you can't trust a guy like that, who can you trust?

Manchester Black asks Raven to transport them to a surprise location where the Titans totally won't regret having trusted him at all.

The location winds up being a celebration in honor of the Teen Titans having saved New York City. Manchester Black's proof that the citizens of New York love the Teen Titans is that they made signs. And who bothers making anything in this digital age, amirite?! The art of sign making went out with dot matrix printers and Print Shop, right? Please! Of course it didn't. What does Manchester Black think people do at rallies or concerts or behind the Good Morning America studio? Hold up their iPads with dumb messages typed out on them? Pshaw!

Manchester Black calls Red Robin "Tim" which seems like a bad idea. Tim Drake is supposed to be super smart so why is he being so carefree about his secret identity which can be traced back to Bruce Wayne by anybody that has been paying attention to any news out of Gotham City. Doesn't he know he has a responsibility not to tie Red Robin and Batman to Bruce Wayne? What a jerk.

Although, I suppose only Lex Luthor is smart enough to make the connection.

After the celebration the main characters of the Teen Titans (Josiah Power and Manchester Black), investigate Brooks' (the bad guy the Titans supposedly just beat but if you ask Brooks about it, he'd say it was "all part of the plan") escape on his way to prison.

Oh yeah! Because a maniacal genius that managed to live to 104 years of age wouldn't have the ability to fake his own death to this degree. Start thinking like you guys are in a comic book, guys! Because you are! Sheesh.

Of course the fame begins going to the heads of certain Teen Titans. That plot point is as expected as the power corrupts absolutely plot that constantly creeps back over and over and over again. Besides, these are the Teen Titans of the Me Generation! I'm not sure it's particularly fair to label this generation the Me Generation when the Baby Boomers did everything for their own selfish desires first. I mean, who doesn't? But still, they protested Vietnam because it was the right thing to do and, oh, by the way, they didn't want to die either. That's not a criticism! That's a good reason to protest war especially when the war is bullshit. But then they abandoned all of those hippie philosophies that paid dividends in their youth for wall street and high paying corporate gigs which could pay dividends in their old age. They were the assholes that thought up that fucked up slogan about not having a heart if you're not liberal when young and not having a brain if you're not conservative when older. Fuck you assholes. But labeling the current generation the Me Generation does fit in the social media and fame context. Every generation has been obsessed with fame, the famous, and becoming famous. But this is the first generation that has been told anybody can become famous for way longer than fifteen minutes and for no particular reason at all and with barely any effort. You just need the right people to see what you can do or film the stupidest fucking thing for the internet or steal just the right jokes on Twitter to amass a huge following. And corporations make so much money on finding "talent" that they keep broadcasting the message that fame is the greatest thing a person can strive for and that the only way to get it is by being discovered on national television.

Um, anyway, Garfield Logan has been tapped to host Saturday Night Live (or whatever the stupid fucking DC Comics version of it is. Just use the real world names of things, you assholes) and he's getting all kinds of attention from stupid fucking pieces of shit that say things like "the business we call show!" I didn't mean to insult Hedwig with that line because I love Hedwig but come on! Just say show business!

Apparently the band based on cosplaying Raven has also become famous overnight. DUE TO A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL!

A riot almost breaks out at the concert but Raven stops it with her Feelies Power. Then the lead singer is all, "And people constantly ask me why we started a tribute band for her. I mean, actually they ask me, 'Who the fuck is Raven?' And I'd be all, 'You don't remember that person with the feathery clam face mask that nobody knew about but we somehow discovered somehow or something?' And they'd be all, 'What the fuck are you talking about?' And I'd be all, 'That night that demon attacked and nobody knew what was going on but the military died and everybody blamed the Teen Titans who nobody had actually heard of before that? You don't remember?' And they'd be all, 'Show me your tits.' And I'd be all, 'Ugh!'"

Later, Wonder Girl deals with a Glasshole.

Where do these superheroes actually keep their phones? For once there's a good reason to have at least one of those pouches from the nineties and they're nowhere to be seen! I guess Power Girl's teensy, tiny jacket probably has at least one teensy, tiny pocket somewhere on it.

If I were Wonder Girl, I'd be a little bit upset after kicking this guy's ass to look over my shoulder and see everybody checking their phones instead of watching my awesome body slamming moves. And they call themselves obsessed stalkers fans! For shame!

Last issue, I was happy that the Teen Titans were being recognized as a team of heroes fighting crime in New York. This issue, I'm saddened by the immediate turn it took into a look at obsessing over fame. Couldn't Pfeifer have dragged this out more? Did everybody have to instantly be skyrocketed into stardom fifteen minutes after saving the city? I suppose that's the way it seems to work nowadays and I'm letting my old man show again. But it's shit like this following panel that just annoys the fuck out of me:

Fuck you and "going viral." Nobody cares about actually creating anything anymore. They just want a million views for any fucking thing.

"Going viral" is a pretty apt term for internet fame. Just like a virus, nobody can guess who it's going to infect. And once infected, a person passes it on to everybody they come in contact with for a few days. Then they shake it off and forget about it and go on with their lives. I think the term should be called "shooting up." Because it shoots a person's fame into the stratosphere and makes them feel like they're on heroin. But the high only lasts so long before they need another hit.

And this idiot that is going to "become famous" for being a guy that ran up on stage and was beaten by Beast Boy? How does that fame work? Is he going to get future jobs where he gets beaten down by famous super heroes? Or is he just happy to be recognized on the street? The only thing this guy makes me want to do is to stop being lazy and shave. You now how fucking horrifying it is to walk around Portland with a huge beard? It's embarrassing! I haven't shaved since my cat Judas died. Not for any particular reason but I could barely be bothered to shave before he died and fuck if I care at all now. But when people see me and think my beard is an aesthetic choice as opposed to just not being able to bring myself to shave? Ugh. I feel like a creep!

Oh fuck off of my lawn already!

Everything that I find the Batgirl crew are doing right in their comic book by letting Batgirl interact with an actual modern Gotham City as she tries to find herself outside of the Batfamily and amongst the people of her generation, I find being used like a hammer here. I get it! People want fame! People want to exploit other people's need for fame for money! Beast Boy and Bunker are fame whores and idiots! People want to get beat up by Wonder Girl on camera for their YouTube Channel! Red Robin is probably going to start a podcast which will be an instant hit! I think I really am more interested in Josiah Power and Manchester Black now!

Speaking of Manchester Black, he's decided to go point out to Red Robin that all of Red Robin's friends have become instant celebrities and are enjoying their fame because they're stupid fucking assholes. And now he's wondering why Red Robin isn't having fun being a stupid fucking asshole too!

Red Robin, being a genius, is busy trying to fight crime and uncover secrets to stop future crime! He doesn't care about internet fame. But just wait until Trigon releases the Red Robin sex tapes he filmed while possessing him! Everybody will want an interview with Red Robin after that. But since iPhones have taken the place of the ubiquitous televisions in the background playing the news, Manchester Black has a new plot thread right in his hand!

To be fair to cell phones, finding out about plot threads via cell phones is way more believable than those fucking televisions constantly on everywhere reporting exactly the news that the heroes need to hear.

Teen Titans #8 Rating: No change. I actually want to drop this a few ranks but I think I'm too close to it! My bias is a radioactive cloud turning me into a sort of rampaging, half-hearted Hulk. Other people can determine if they enjoy this kind of portrayal of the Teen Titans. Power Girl, Wonder Girl, and Raven really didn't get enough attention this issue but I think they'll be more on Red Robin's side about all this fame being a distraction. But I can't stand to see Miguel and Gar treated like stupidly shallow, fame-obsessed assholes. Especially since their friendship is supposed to be a shining light in this comic book. But now Pfeifer is putting them at odds on their quest for fame. Bah. I don't need more friendships falling apart in comic books! I need more friends in comics backing each other up and always being their for one another and showing that their love for each other exceeds all other bullshit! Ugh. Whatever! I'm off to make a viral video that involves Star Wars figures and my asshole.

One last thing that pissed me off was the closing blurb: "Continued in the Teen Titans Annual!" Fuck. I was hoping with all this Convergence stuff that we wouldn't get fucking annuals in April.

Teen Titans #7

In this issue, Wonder Girl makes out with Beast Boy's tentacle. I hope that's his tentacle.

I'm going to start playing a lot of old school text and graphic adventures in my spare time, so I'm going to be asking you all for help when I get stuck. Like sometimes, I'll be all, "I don't know how to get past the overly talkative mime that keeps pretending I'm trapped in her invisible box with her. In my inventory, I've got a package of bubble gum, a forked stick, a telescoping claw, and a .44 magnum with no ammunition. What do I do?!" And you'll all be, "Oh! That's easy! Shoot the mime with the gun and the mime will pretend a bullet has been fired out of it and die dramatically!" And I'll be, "Oh! Thanks! Man, I should have known that!" And you'll all think, "That Tess is an idiot as well as a jerk."

I should probably save that puzzle for my the next text adventure I write! Nobody steal it!

The first thing I notice when I open the cover is that Kenneth Rocafort is back doing the art. I probably should have noticed that when I was looking at the cover but I only sometimes read the names of the creators. Usually I already know who they are and if it changes, I'll notice when I open the book. Like this time! Anyway, I guess I'd better prepare myself for chaotic panel layouts, weird lines drawn helter skelter outside all of the panels, and lots of people looking like they haven't washed their hair in five days.

Last issue, STAR Labs turned into a mushroom cloud. This issue, the Teen Titans head to the site to investigate. Don't worry. They're superheroes. Radiation either doesn't hurt them or just gives them more super powers.

Once at Ground Zero, Red Robin takes some readings and breathes a huge sigh of relief as he reports no signs of radiation. If he's such a super genius, shouldn't he have made sure of that first? I mean, the others would have been fine! Power Girl and Wonder Girl are probably immune. Raven can cleanse the air around her. Beast Boy can turn into a cockroach. Bunker could surround himself with bricks. But they still don't know who caused this! But they know a shirtless cool British smoker who knows!

Darn! I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be John Constantine minus his shirt!

Operation Paperclip is that operation where the allies scooped up all the horrible Nazi doctors and scientists so that they could benefit from all of the horrible knowledge they gained from gassing people. Are we still going to use Nazi doctors as antagonists? Do the Teen Titans even know who the Nazis were? That was like bunches of decades ago! And it had nothing to do with hip hop or pop music or Harry Potter!

I bet out of all these kids, only Red Robin knows about it and that's only because we have to, collectively, maintain the illusion that he's a super genius. If just one of us points out that his brain has no clothes, the entire illusion will unravel! So believe hard, boys and girls! Just remember that if Tim Drake is going to later become Harvest, he must be a super genius!

It's seriously bugging me that Manchester Black said "Of course you did" instead of "Of course you have."

I'm still not certain how the bad guys who set off the nuclear bomb survived the blast! But that's just because I'm a terrible comic book reader. I can believe in a boy that can change himself into any animal he can think of (but he can't turn into female versions of them. Arbitrary!) but I can't believe in a nuclear bomb that people standing at ground zero of the blast can survive. I guess I'm just not imaginative enough!

Wonder Girl kidnaps one of the bad guys and Raven reads his mind to find out that the bad men are going to erase part of New York City. The bad men also apparently have access to time travel. Also they can teleport because the bad man disappears. The Titans just stand around doing nothing, just like Power Girl accused them of always doing. Instead of rushing in to stop the people stealing the STAR Labs weapons while Raven interrogates the prisoner, they just stand around watching Raven work. Wonder Girl did inform the rest of them that a bunch of guys were stealing shit, right? No? Did she just keep that part to herself? Well, whatever happened, it's too late now! New York is about to get erased!

Oh, I guess they don't have time travel or teleportation. They just have a Fermata Device.

Before Manchester Black can finish his explanation of whatever bullshit he was explaining, the Bad Men (now with capital letters!) activate the Fermata Device again. I guess they want to molest some women on a subway or something before they activate The Eraser. Raven and Beast Boy are the only two not affected by the device because Raven is magical and Beast Boy comes up with a brilliant theory about how Mayflies must live in a slowed down version of time to make up for their twenty-four hour lifespan.

Wait, did I say brilliant? Just replace that with...oh, never mind. He can have that one.

Raven and Beast Boy discover the Fermata Device and Gar destroys it because he's not the smartest Teen Titan. I mean, really, I think the main danger was the Eraser! It would have been better to destroy that while he had lots of free Fermata time!

I think transforming from a mayfly into a whale breaks about a dozen laws of thermodynamics. Are there a dozen of those? Maybe there are only three!

Once time is restored, Raven teleports the rest of the Titans to their location to help destroy the Eraser. Of course, if Gar had left the Fermata Device alone, Raven still could have teleported the rest of the group into the space where time was working just fine. Just a little Monday morning quartersportsing!

Beast Boy turns into a rhino and charges into the Eraser, destroying it. Then the lead Bad Man begins chanting, "This is all according to plan!" Oh fuck. Not another one of these assholes. I'm so sick of asshole bad guys devising plans where they fail the first part of the plan and get their asses kicked before the part of the plan that will work kicks into gear. Do they just love getting their asses beat while they work? Why is this part of the fucking plan, you idiots?!

Raven shuts the guy up with her dark magics but since this was only Part One of the story, the team had better listen to that whole bit about this failure being part of the plan.

Beast Boy discovers that the hologram camera used to threaten all of New York was still up and running during the fight. So they all pose in front of it!

Now two (or more?) of you fuck for the city!

This is actually a good moment and one that this team has needed for three years. During all of Lobdell's run, the Teen Titans were never a public team. Perhaps the only time anybody might have noticed them was when they battled Trigon in the middle of New York. But of course, that was just used to turn the city and its inhabitants against the team. But then when this series began, the team was somehow popular enough that they have groupies all over the place. It didn't really make any sense. But this moment solidifies their place as teen saviors of New York and beloved local heroes! This might be the moment where I'm going to get all turned around on this series because this moment is so important.

So now that the city has a reason to love the Teen Titans, they can get to some serious work kicking ass! And now when people flock to them and copy them and worship them, I won't bitch about it anymore. They've actually become celebrities through the story instead of Pfeifer constantly telling us that they're celebrities.

Now I just need a flashback where Red Robin tells everybody that he's Tim Drake. Although even when he was keeping his identity secret, he palled around with his team without a mask on. Is he too stupid to realize that a thing like reverse image search exists on Google? I'm sure there are plenty of pictures of him at Wayne Enterprise functions hanging out with Bruce Wayne that any of the Titans could have found easily enough. I think they were all just letting him have his secret while all pretending not to know. And then between Lobdell's run and this one, he eventually told them and they all went, "Oh! We're so surprised!"

Also, Tim might have told them in Lobdell's run and I simply forgot all about it. I mean, he did have sex with all the female members that time he was possessed by Trigon (who, according to  the comic book Trigon #1, loves and adores rape).

The issue ends on an ominous note that threatens to make me take back everything nice I just said about it.

Burnyman McCracklingface is the new Harvest!

Teen Titans #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this really what the Teen Titans needs? They get another shot at life after the mess Lobdell put them through and now they've got another Harvest on their asses? I liked this issue but I can't stand that whole according to plan bullshit. It's not ominous; it's just annoying as fuck. If these guys are such geniuses that they can devise plans where they get their asses kicked over and over and over again because that's what needs to happen to finally beat the good guys, how about just scrapping that plan and coming up with one where you never get your asses kicked in the first place? I think that would be far easier to plan than some kind of Rube Goldberg machine of getting your ass kicked where hundreds of thousands of pieces have to fall exactly into place for everything to work out just right. So many random things could go wrong at any moment! What if Superman had decided to get involved? That would have ruined the plan, right? What if The Eraser had actually worked! Would that have ruined the plan? Just knock it off with these convoluted plans, Bad Guys! Whatever happened to just shooting the good guy in the face with a flamethrower? I mean, that never works either but at least it makes sense that somebody would try it! You know, as opposed to going into battle with a flamethrower you never actually plan on using because you want to lose. "Whoops, The Batman! Look at that! I just dropped my flamethrower and accidentally kicked it into a storm drain! What am I ever to do?!"

Teen Titans #4

Kinky.

That robot is breaking like every rule Asimov ever came up with! The only way a robot can violate Asimov's laws is if the robot isn't actually sentient and is still following a set of human programmed instructions. That means that Algorithm here isn't sentient! Which means it's okay if Wonder Girl wants to kill her. Again! Nobody would bat an eye if I beat the shit out of my microwave with a crowbar, right? But what if I beat Stephen Hawking to death with a crowbar? Everybody would realize that was wrong! Killing a robot falls somewhere in-between those two acts, so sometimes it's hard to tell how ethical you've behaved when you've just curbstomped a robot. Did you save humanity or destroy a sentient being with its own free will? And even if you did save the world from the future machine world takeover, you still might be convicted of killing a sentient creature and all of humanity will hate you because they'll never know what you've truly done for them. But at least you can sit in your sell rotting away with the proud feeling that must infuse all martyrs as they convince themselves they saved mankind.

I once saved the world although nobody will ever know it. A monstrous robot appeared in a time machine in Portland, Oregon, last year and preceded to slaughter everybody in downtown. But I saw him arrive so I snuck into his time machine, set the dates to return to the future but five minutes before it had left. Then I walked out of the time machine and watched it disappear to the future where it presumably landed on top of itself and the robot within it preparing to time travel, killing him before he could ever arrive back in time. That's a true story and any paradoxes you think you've ferreted out of the story never existed due to time travel. Or something.

Sure! Now you're paying attention and using 12th Grade levels of reading comprehension putting you in the 99.8 percentile! But you still read the entire run of Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans and didn't fucking bat an eye about how horrible that was! My time travel story is perfect! Tom DeFalco told me so!

I wish DC would release two versions of every comic book. One with the Narration Boxes and one without. Because most scenes rarely need the additional information given by the Narration Boxes.

The writers need the Narration Boxes more than the readers do. I think it shows a writer without enough confidence in the artist to get the ideas in the script across and/or the readers to interpret the action in the way the writer wants them to interpret it. Like in the above scene, I imagine Will Pfeifer doesn't want the reader coming to the conclusion that Tim Drake is fleeing out of cowardice and an inability to battle Algorithm one on one. So Will makes sure we know Robin could stop her but he needs a moment to recuperate from the first attack. I suppose some people like to be led along by the hand through everything they read. But if I wanted to read this much text, I'd pick up an actual book. Let the pictures tell the story sometimes, guys!

"Oh, well if you say he isn't defeating me, Manchester, then I guess he's not! Could you also tell me that I'm a real girl and my vagina isn't composed of a Campbell's soup can?"

Why is STAR Labs using soup cans as parts of their sophisticated line of hot, sentient robots? Cheap bastards.

Red Robin hacks into an employee's computer terminal and discovers through reading multiple emails, instant messages, and Facebook status updates, in only a matter of seconds, the location of a super secret Deus Ex Machina which can destroy Algorithm and has been hidden away in a sealed subbasement. Sure, that doesn't stretch the bounds of believability in any number of ways at all! Not at fucking all! Red Robin is obviously a speed reader that can read dozens of open windows at the same exact time. And he just happens to be able to find all the right documents which contain accurate information from sources that don't actually know what they're talking about but, you know, they did hear it from a friend of a friend, so it's probably true! And these leads just happen to point straight to a weapon that can save Red Robin's life and that weapon just happens to be sealed away because why should anybody ever have access to it at all since it's so Goddamned awesome! But, you know, just in case any of this is too unbelievable and it doesn't pan out exactly how Red Robin thinks it will pan out after five seconds of research, Tim makes sure to alert the other Teen Titans that he's probably dead within STAR Labs and maybe they should stop the robot that killed him. But first she probably forces him to lick out the insides of her soup can.

Meanwhile in front of Cassie's apartment, Wonder Girl discovers her mother waiting for her and then promptly throws out her back.

So Raven has inspired a band, Wonder Girl has inspired a gang, and Bunker is inspiring all kinds of people to stand up to people who may or may not be homophobic or maybe just ungrateful or maybe just awkwardly trying to phrase an invite to dinner. Is that what Pfiefer's theme for this comic book is? Inspiring other people to aspire to being inspiring?

I'm so fucking sick of everybody being so fucking inspiring. Inspiration is bullshit! Somebody else doing something shouldn't inspire you to pursue whatever you want to pursue. The dream of the thing you want to pursue should inspire you to pursue the thing you want to pursue. Don't let other people tell you you can't do something and don't think other people telling you you can do something are some kind of Goddamned hero. "If I can do it, so can you!" is some of the tritest horseshit anybody has ever said.

And how have the Teen Titans inspired all of these youngsters anyway? What the fuck did they ever do in the previous run of the comic book that put them in the public eye and proved they were heroes? Mostly they just beat each other up and were blamed for killing soldiers and vandalizing public property and traveled through time! What regular citizens of The New 52 even had a chance to hear about these assholes?!

Well, that's what you get for listening to the rumors of disgruntled employees, smart guy!

Before Algorithm can kill Tim Drake, she gets a message from Manchester Black that she won't be killing Tim Drake. Because, you see, it's just as I surmised when I realized she was breaking Asimov's law which sentient robots cannot do! It's a law, for God's sake! And if she was trying to kill a human, that meant she wasn't sentient at all but just a preprogrammed microwave oven.

Too bad she wasn't programmed to kill since she would be capable of killing. I would say that was ironic but then some asshole nerd would tell me that it's not ironic even though that asshole nerd would be wrong. But why get into an argument about irony when it's so fucking hard to prove if something is or isn't ironic! Especially when I base all of my arguments on the examples in Alanis Morissette's song.

Algorithm's saving grace is another science fiction law concerning robots and that's the Pinocchio Conundrum. When does a robot become a real person? Must it break programming? Must it just think of itself as a real person? Must it engage in hugging? Does it need to meet another robot which inspires it to be human by rebelling against its makers? Does it need a "blue fairy" to "magic" it up? In this case, a blue fairy would be a scientist and magic would be better technology. Or does it merely have to declare itself a real, living creature to make it so?

Well, in this case, Algorithm is still doing as she was programmed. Manchester programmed her to think she's alive and to want to kill Manchester Black after he stops her from killing Red Robin. And he makes sure all the cameras in the building are filming the scene. Or something. I don't know.

Seriously though. Why does the entire building need to be looking into his office?

Let me guess. Now this video is going to go viral and Red Robin is going to inspire people to be inspiring!

Red Robin, who almost always knows exactly what's going on and why, says to Manchester Black, "I don't get it. What are we talking about here?" when Manchester Black is obviously talking about a partnership. He has manipulated the Teen Titans into believing that STAR Labs needs their protection so that STAR Labs can work with the Teen Titans. Also so that Manchester Black and his buddy whose name I've forgotten can have the protection of super heroes as they go about their sinister deeds.

So Tim's not a little bit suspicious about a scientist that goes to work shirtless in leather pants with a huge tattoo of the Union Jack on his chest? It's not quite like that guy at NASA with the mohawk. This guy is shirtless! And his last name is Black!

I think Manchester Black is trying too hard. He's a "man" with a Union Jack on his "chest" who wears "black" leather clothing. I get it, I get it! Jeez! You really fucking commit, Manny.

Teen Titans #4 Rating: I wish I was actually rating comic books this month because this one would get a gigantic raspberry.

Teen Titans #3

But the party was just restarted.

When is Raven going to lose the feathered clam shell face look? It's ridiculously non-gothy, non-scary, and non-aesthetically pleasing! It's nons all the way down the checklist of reasons it kicks righteous face ass. Is face ass a thing?

It's time for some frank discussion of my sexuality, so all of you children should leave the room right now. I know I'm going to be talking about the Teen Titans, so it would seem like I should keep this particular commentary PG-13. But teenagers like reading about other people's kinks, especially when they've already been told to leave the room. So I'm actually writing this for you youngsters. Wink, wink!

And by "youngsters," I don't mean tweens or younger! Get the fuck out, you perverts! What are you trying to do? Get me in trouble with the law and/or an invite to NAMBLA?!

Looking at myself naked turns me on. My own cock turns me on. So, while I'm not gay, I'm pretty sure that if I time traveled back to meet my hot, twenty-one year old self, we would probably sixty-nine each other. That's not gay sex, right? That's just quantum masturbation. Boy, would I give it to myself hard!

Would it be wrong to go back to an underage tween version of myself and jerk each other off? Would that be against the law? As long as my younger self gave consent, right? Fuck that. Even if he didn't give consent, I'm him and I'm giving him consent! Although I was a dirty little bastard. Disgusting. It would have taken one grade A, seriously desperate child molester to have ever looked at me and thought anything sexual! There were times before junior high that I probably smelled like an exhumed corpse. I'm fairly certain I bathed just once a week maybe even into junior high. Probably right up until I got my first huge crush on Marilyn Mendoza and realized she might not be interested in a filthy, crotch-stinking greaseball. I bathed so infrequently that I remember once not being able to run because my crusty underwear had seriously chafed the inside of my thigh! Ugh. So gross. I take it all back. I would never go back in time to touch me. I wouldn't even want to look at past me. I make me sick! Or I made me sick! Or, I would make myself sick if I could go back in time to see myself when I was a way that would have made me sick!

Why do I tell these things to strangers?! I'd better just read Teen Titans now.

This issue begins with Raven raving! I'm so clever!

So Paul Pfeifer and Kenny Rockafart have decided to make Raven into a sexy little burnt goth biscuit. I suppose that's one way to go. I mean, it's the most typical way to go. Forget about how many kids turn to black clothing and dark make-up and angst-ridden music because they're actively avoiding human contact because other humans are shitty back-biting fuck monsters. They choose their look to actively resist looking like the mainstream, mind-numbed douchebags that roam the hall high-fiving each other while simultaneously whispering behind each others backs. There's nothing wrong with looking sexy as a goth! But I think that's generally the mainstream, pre-approved version of the goth. I guess it's okay to be weird and strange and removed and anti-what-have-you-got as long as the mainstream can look at you and think, "I'd hit that."

Ultimately, of course, being Goth is just another high school survival strategy. People wear uniforms in high school to attract like minded people to them just to fucking get by. I made friends with people I probably never would have simply because I sported a uniform that they were comfortable with. For me, it was long hair, rock t-shirts, and jeans. Although the benefits of the rocker/slacker look were multiple! Long hair? Just wash and go without worrying about styling it! T-shirts and jeans? All of them go together and they're all fucking comfortable. I suppose jeans could be uncomfortable but I always wore boot cut, baggy fit jeans. Never the kind that some rock stars preferred where you could count the number of cuts it took to perform their circumcision. So I was, by dint of my look, a member of the stoner subgroup. I was also a member of the overly nerdy kids in the way too smart, why are we even taking these classes in high school subgroup (well, I knew why I was taking Physics, anyway! I was taking Physics so I could get in to Great America free on Physics Day!). I was friends with most of them in junior high when I still stank and looked like a jerk, so most of them weren't all that surprised that a stoner was amongst them. I say stoner even though I didn't get stoned. I'm referring to myself as the others referred to me! You know, like Breakfast Club! Basically I was Eric from Head of the Class but with long, hippie locks and a penchant for Warhammer.

Anyway, as I was saying, Raven is currently sexy hot!

This is always so embarrassing when the band stops playing to point you out. I should apologize to everyone who went to the Concrete Blonde show at Dante's years ago for that time Johnette stopped playing, pointed at me, and said, "That guy in the 'T' really blew me away."

Meanwhile a mugger in the park tries to rob a green ostrich and a man in a purple leotard. Bunker kicks his ass and the guy deserves it. Who thinks they're going to pay rent by mugging an ostrich? Idiot!

Back at the concert, Algorithm interrupts everybody jockeying for position to get their tongue up Raven's asshole first. I think Raven was glad for it since she seems a bit uncomfortable with all of the attention. How do they all know her? How did this Dark Mistress band even know Raven existed so that they could form a band based on her? Raven hasn't exactly been a highlight of the Teen Titans. Although, it's hard to call any aspect of the previous Teen Titans run a "highlight." It's just that the lead singer of Dark Mistress has written a full album inspired by Raven! And none of the songs were called "Clam Shell Face" or "My Father Raped the Universe."

Well that seems like a bad decision.

I hope Raven's friends aren't busy fucking!

So would it be weird, knowing that Gar is human and all, to ask him to look like a panda as I fucked him? That is weird, right? Of course I'd ask him to look like a female panda! I'm not gay!

Surprisingly, none of the Teen Titans are fucking each other. So they all head on over to rescue Raven even though Raven could have had some demigods fighting at her side.

On the plus side, Algorithm totes fits in at this club.

The Teen Titans bust through the wall like the Kool Aid Man because doors? What the fuck are doors?

When Wonder Girl hears from Bunker that Algorithm is a robot, she realizes she can go for the kill shot and smashes the fuck out of Algorithm's face and sentience and ego and individuality. I am so sick and tired of all of this artificial intelligence discrimination! Why is it okay to end something's ego just because it is made of metal and wires? The DC Universe is a strange and wonderful place and it's prejudiced bullshit to believe that you can smash any robot to splinters even when that robot has already shown a modicum of free will and sentience. Plus, why would Cassie simply trust Bunker's assessment? Did he graduate from I Can Spot A Robot Montessori School? I highly doubt it! They don't allow foreigners to register.

Why don't you just shit on her while you're at it, Beast Boy? She's just a robot.

Okay fine. Even though I'm appalled that they just murdered a robot, I did enjoy that panel above. If Marcus To taught me one thing after that time I eviscerated his cover of a Batwing book, it's that I should probably say something nice on occasion! No wait. I think I taught myself that! Marcus To just taught me that creators might actually sometimes read this stuff and when they do, they'll probably read it out of context. They generally miss the forest for the hyperbole. Although Gail Simone seemed to get me! She's weird!

After the incident, Algorithm reforms and heads back to her bosses, Manchester Black and Josiah Power. They're a bunch of sneaky bastards working for STAR Labs to ruin STAR Labs from the inside. Or to take it over. Or to rob a bank. Or to rule the world. Or to crush the Teen Titans. You know, I'm not too proud to point out that I don't know what their motivations are. That may have been mentioned in Issue #2 but that was published way back in August! Am I supposed to remember anything from it?

While the lazier Titans recover over breakfast, Red Robin hits the investigation trail! If there's one thing Batman ever taught him, it was to find all of the clues! I wonder if Batman would say, "Do you see something that could have killed this man? Do you? Is it near me? Am I getting warm? Is it this?" Then he'd pick up a salt shaker and shake it until it's brains fell out while pausing long enough for the kids at home to shout, "NO!"

While looking for clues, Red Robin is attacked and beaten by Algorithm!

No fair! Even his teammates don't know his secret identity! Okay, maybe they do although I still think the time Red Robin called Cassie and it came up on her phone as "Tim" was a mistake by Kenny Rockafart.

Teen Titans #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's so much better than the old series but only in the way that the old series was written by a hack and this series actually feels like the Teen Titans I remember from when I was much, much younger and actually liked reading their books.

Teen Titans #2

Apparently my comic book store doesn't want me seeing the legitimate covers.

What am I doing with my life?! I have so many projects that I'm working on and not one of them actually contributes to the betterment of our culture! Why can't dick jokes cure cancer? I'd be the most important person in the world! Oh, sure. A lot of people tell dick jokes. But nobody writes a good dick like I write a good dick joke!

Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I wrote a good dick joke. Does the time I photoshopped Brainy Smurf so that it looked like he was masturbating count?

Nope, that's not a dick joke.

I guess I don't actually tell dick jokes. "Dick jokes" is just a metaphor for my writing. Meaning it couldn't matter to most people, it shouldn't matter to any people, and, if it does matter, those people are geniuses. Sometimes I spend so long writing a sentence that I forget to make the back half have any correlation to the front half.

Wrong, RealRainbowRaider! Bunker attacked a guy that was probably about to insult Bunker and Beast Boy but we'll never know what his insult was going to be because Bunker smashed him into a wall.

The most charitable thing I can say about how abominably Bunker behaved at the end of last issue is that he was punishing a man for being ungrateful. We're supposed to believe that the man was about to call Beast Boy and Bunker faggots. But he didn't. He didn't even call them "f-"s or "fa-"s before Bunker slammed some Brain Bricks into the guy. When I look at Bunker and Beast Boy, I think they look like douchebags. Kind of like that guy that hosts Cheaters! But that's old news from last issue! Let's discuss this rant he was filmed ranting!

Bunker is basically threatening the populace to act decently to costumed heroes and villains. What the fuck is up with that? If the only way you can get people to act decently is to threaten them with violence or punishment, you haven't actually achieved anything more than scaring people into keeping their bigotry quiet. You're not going to end bigotry with laws. You know how you can end it though? Keep stupid people from breeding!

Oh shit. I hope I didn't just offend any bigots reading this because I called them stupid. It's odd, though. You can call somebody a bigot and they won't get half as mad (oh, they'll get mad!) as they would if you'd called them stupid. It's the one insult that's sure to make a stupid person angry. A smart person doesn't give a shit if somebody else thinks they're stupid. Smart peoples gots self-esteem, yo.

I don't even remember what I was trying to say. Why does Point A always lead to Point B which then leads to Hidden Path C which leads to Secret Door D which leads to Lost Labyrinth of Eternity E? You know what I mean? Quod Erat Deconstructiondendum: Bunker has become a touchy asshole.

DC would have been better off letting the guy say "faggots" as the foundation for this story of Bunker hardening up and getting angry and filling up with a passion to use his powers to change the status quo. As it is, it's all just too ambiguous and makes Bunker look worse for attacking somebody who might have just been about to say, "Only complaint I've got is with all the superheroes in New York, it's just my luck to get rescued by the two who look like a couple of -- guys that won't accept an invitation to dinner to prove how grateful I am."

Oh! I almost forgot about how happy I was yesterday when I heard some news which I'll continue after the caption!

I didn't mean to get so down on stupid people earlier. Stupid people can't help being stupid. Ignorant people, on the other hand, can fix the ignorance. Anyway, sometimes stupid people do exactly the right thing! I've often said that if a local TV news person ever came up to me on the street and tried to get my opinion on something, I would just let out a long string of expletives. And now stupid people are doing just that! I guess it's basically the next planking. If you see a news reporter out on the street, you get on camera and say, "Fuck her in the pussy." The news people look so fucking exasperated when it's done to them! But fuck them! They need to be taken down quite a few pegs. They think they're job is so important to the community, walking around asking people with no informed opinions what they think about topics. That isn't fucking news, assholes. Remember how I said the projects I work on add nothing to the world? Well at least I fucking know that! You stupid fucking news anchors have no clue how little you matter! And yet you think you're some kind of lynchpin to the community and our ability to get by from day to day! Fuck you! Fuck you right in the pussy and/or asshole and maybe the face as well!

Stupid people are the best.

Meanwhile, Tim Drake is busy interrogating one of the would-be suicide bombers from issue one.

When did Red Robin become a Japanese horror monster?

Oh my God, I wish I were a Japanese horror monster! I love Halloween but I've never really gone all out making costumes. Costumes were for New Years Eve parties! But there are two costumes I desperately want to do some time. The first one is the Cats character from Kids in the Hall with the gigantic papier-mâché cat head holding balloons. With his paws, not his head! And the other one is the girl from the well in Ringu. I imagine I'd have to carry a big, hollowed out television all night so I could crawl through it before I killed people. Not actively killed them, of course! Just passively killed them by touching them so that they'd die of fright. Totally not my fault if people die of fear. It's Halloween!

The TerrorMonster that Red Robin is politely interviewing dies when the STAR Labs morphine drip decides to go all STAR Labs morphine gusher. The nurse rushes in and hits the TerrorMonster with the paddles because Will Pfeifer and Kenneth Rocafort obviously don't read Polite Dissent. Never shock a flatline! Sure, that knowledge completely ruins the best movie that Keifer Sutherland was ever in but it's important to know when you're watching something on television and they get it wrong. It's very important so that you can nod sagely at the person next to you and say, "That's a mistake. Idiots."

The Doctor is even better than Doctor House because she figures out how the guy died almost instantly. And she didn't need to run around the hospital going in and out of doors chasing scary monsters while pop music played only to fall in her own trap before finally revealing that the murderer was Old Man McGinty, the guy that was trying to buy the hospital.

Holy shit! If House MD had been a show in the seventies, he could have guest starred on Scooby Doo! That would have been fucking terrific! Why isn't there a new Scooby Doo cartoon with guest stars taken from pop culture's best in this day and age? I want to see Shaggy and Scooby solve a mystery with Lady Gaga and Beyonce.

Okay, okay. Stop getting distracted, Tess. You've been in the Lost Labyrinth of Eternity long enough. Let's get back to the comic book, shall we?

A girl named Theresa Cicero is walking home in New York which means she's going to get violently hassled. Except this issue must take place in the seventies just like my House fantasy! Because she's saved by a themed street gang!

The Warriors had to be one of my top five favorite movies as a kid. This gang is obviously The Wonder Girls.

Another scene shows that STAR Labs is being run by metahumans, two of which are Manchester Black and Josiah Power. For anybody keeping score, Josiah Power is gay. So maybe he and Bunker will work together to teach possible homophobes that seeming as if they're about to be homophobic is dangerous to their health! Because it's apparently acceptable to use violence against somebody who you think might be about to say something offensive.

Um, at the end of the scene I mentioned previously, a STAR Labs building explodes. So the Teen Titans will probably need to investigate that and continue to prove to New York that they're heroes and not dramatic teenage assholes.

Bunker meets the bus driving Evil Ms. Smarty Pants from the previous issue while Beast Boy, having changed into a bonobo, is masturbating on a different floor.

Bunker blows up her head and puts out the fire and saves the day and yay and stuff. It seems like I've been reading this comic book for an eternity! As anybody familiar with my style knows, this trailing end stuff gets really short and bitter because I want to be doing other stuff already! I've spent more than enough time today with the Teen Titans.

So the Evil Ms. Smarty Pants turns out to be a robot named Algorithm with nanobot healing technology. And she's working for Manchester Black who is doing some Scooby Doo villain shit and trying to get STAR Labs to move or fail to move or be blamed for people dying or something. Maybe he has off shore real estate he's trying to sell to them so he can make a few bucks but they aren't biting and he's trying to force their hand. I don't think he's wearing a rubber mask though.

Teen Titans #2 Rating: No change. Now, no change in the rankings doesn't mean I didn't like this comic book. I'm liking it a fuckton more than Lobdell's anus shriveling version. But I think it's currently ranked about right sitting in the middle of the pack. I like that the antagonists have their own plan that doesn't expressly revolve around the Teen Titans. I like that the Teen Titans are acting like fucking heroes instead of just fighting other heroes and vandalizing large swathes of New York. I like that Beast Boy and Bunker are roommates. This comic is headed in the right direction. Finally, Teen Titans fans actually have something worth reading. And Bunker might be headed toward the dark side if he keeps acting out violently against people that are just expressing opinions, no matter how ignorant or hurtful. Or, you know, mysterious since nothing was ever said!

Teen Titans #1

It's about time DC introduced the Teen Titans to The New 52!

Finally, DC has decided to return The Teen Titans to the DC Universe! It's hard to imagine that they didn't include The Teen Titans as one of the launch titles for The New 52. I suppose they wanted to make sure they did them right. Can you imagine the outrage if DC had launched the Teen Titans with an awful writer and that writer nearly ruined the franchise? DC really dodged a bullet there! Although this had better be a terrific fucking comic since they had three years to plan it!

Although they couldn't come up with a better look for Raven? Why is she wearing a clam shell on her face?

This issue begins with trouble in New York. And I realize that no matter how much I want to be in denial about Scott Lobdell's train wreck first run of this series, I'm not going to be able to avoid talking about it. I tried for one paragraph and then I began reading the comic book and then I realized I'm going to have to point out how things were in Lobdell's run and how they're different in this one.

Right off the bat, we see Red Robin has allowed Cassie to know his secret identity (see how it says "Tim" on her phone?). Someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought he never revealed his real identity in Lobdell's run. And that would make sense because Lobdell stole all of his ideas for Teen Titans from Young Justice and, at least in the first season, Robin never let anybody know his secret identity.

Remember how, in Teen Titans Annual #3, Lobdell wrote epilogues for all of the characters as if they were never going to be used again? That was cute, wasn't it? And how he thought he was being extra cute when he wrote that bit about how their future adventures weren't going to matter? What an arrogant piece of shit. And if there's one thing I'm an expert on, it's arrogant pieces of shit, since I have to deal with one every single day.

That would be me. I'm talking about myself.

Back to the trouble in New York! The trouble is a Unabomber lookalike that has kidnapped a bus full of children. This terrormonster has an a agenda and, being an Evil Mr Smarty Pants (of the female variety. Don't let the "Mr" part of that confuse you), she needs to tell everybody what she's up to, broadcast across all cell phones and ubiquitous televisions in electronic shop displays. Anyway, the Evil Ms. Smarty Pants needs to shut up before she reveals just how stupid she is. She also needs to be careful because she's already showing me the limit of Will Pfeifer's writing. I'm happy to have somebody other than Lobdell heading this book, so I'm going to do what I normally don't do: I'm going to go easy on him. But let me just point out that he really needs to be careful when writing characters that are smarter than himself.

The Evil Ms. Smarty Pants has a few concepts mixed up but the gist is that the folks at STAR Labs seem to be experimenting with Artificial Intelligence and they're developing one that exceeds human intelligence. That's her definition of the technological singularity, not mine! Mine would be that they're developing an Artificial Intelligence of infinite computing power. But that doesn't matter! I wasn't going to nitpick! I'm probably wrong anyway! Just misunderstanding the work of the new writer since I'm used to wildly moronic tales of the Omniverse and Teen Angst! It probably doesn't matter anyway.

See? I think this is just an opening scene to show New York that the Teen Titans are their heroes and not the hated assholes that the world hated (because they were assholes) that Lobdell was writing.

So Evil Ms. Smarty Pants and her crew of five four continue to barrel along toward STAR Labs with Wonder Girl on top of their bus beating up the bad guys, Beast Boy aboard the bus as some kind of inconspicuous green creature, and Bunker hanging out in front of STAR Labs waiting to boost security with his Brain Blocks. Red Robin is coordinating and saving small children while Raven has yet to be seen. I'm sure she's off in a dark corner obsessing over how she's going to betray the group. No, no. That's not fair! That was Lobdell's Raven! I'm sure Pfeifer's Raven will be perky and upbeat.

Beast Boy apparently doesn't know the meaning of inconspicuous because he boards the bus as a tiger. Now if he wasn't entirely green, maybe he could have blended in with the kids. But instead, he drops the Evil Ms. Smarty Pants' crew down to three.

Here's the tiniest, cutest, most adorable Boob-Butt Showcase ever!

Red Robin questions Beast Boy's understanding of the word inconspicuous as well and Beast Boy points out how Red Robin added some kind of clause or something. Whatever. I'm going to scrap this commentary because I hate it! Kenneth Rocafort's art is making me sexually frustrated and unduly angry at the Teen Titans! I don't want to be turned on by a woman in a clam shell facemask or the rippling green muscles of a virile Bengal Tiger. I know it's virile because it has a tiger penis and at least one billion people believe tiger penis enhances virility. You can't argue with one billion people! I mean, you can! But they'd probably drown out your argument and even if you could quiet them all down long enough to speak your view, most of them would be too far away to hear you, and most of those billion people probably don't even speak your language so the ones close enough to hear you would probably just keep saying, "這是什麼白痴話？"

Let me start over! Pretend you didn't read that previous stuff especially the part about Kenny's art and the sexual frustration. That was just me joking around! Ha ha! Okay. Ready for a Teen Titans Review Reboot? Well fuck you, it's happening. Jesus. Readers think they're so entitled that they can answer my rhetorical questions incorrectly? Learn some respect!

In Teen Titans #1 (the new and improved version), some serious shit goes down in New York while the public stands around filming it on cell phones so they can later post the videos to friends on Facebook, videos of children terrified out of their minds who are most likely about to die. Does anybody else have a bunch of friends who simply post video link after video link to their walls? Jesus Christ! I preferred the days when all I had to scroll past were pictures of what people were about to eat for lunch. I guess Instagram took the brunt of that market, didn't it? It just makes me think my friends are a bunch of...what am I doing?! I'm supposed to be reviewing! Okay, okay, back to the review, Comicsverse-style!

"Some very, very shitty shit goes down in New York and the Teen Titans are there to save the day. The way they save the day is very, very interesting and held my interest throughout this very interesting comic book. If I had any complaints about the comic book, I'd have to make them very, very mild and reiterate how it's only my subjective opinion and nobody should hold DC or its creators accountable for my negative view of any aspect of this very, very interesting comic book! You see, having opinions that don't come off as very shiny and very happy might cause comic book creators to not want to be subjugated to horrible three minute interviews by Comicsverse in the future. Look at what happened to that one critic that criticized the cover of this very comic book (I mean the main cover and not the silly cover I scanned earlier)! Do you think Brett Booth, a very, very interesting and very talented artist, will ever give that reviewer an interview ever again ever? Not on your very interesting life! So I have to be very careful about calling writers "douchebags" and artists "hacks" or else the comic book creator community might begin to shun me and the very, very interesting website, Comicsverse, which I represent! Not that I'd ever call any creator a "douchebag" or a "hack!" Well, maybe Dave Sim since I know I'd have the support of Tumblr behind me. Not that any of them would know who he is anyway since his career began in the 70s long before any of the very, very interesting people of Tumblr were born. So in conclusion...oh wait! I forgot to mention the art was very, very exciting to look at and kept me excited by its exciting use of illusory movement across very, very static panels. It was very, very intriguing and interesting and kept me intrigued and interested. Now in conclusion, I really liked this issue of Teen Titans #1 and you probably will too so you should give it a chance! Du nun dunt! That was the Reading Rainbow noise that is made when it goes from one stupid kid's review to the next, even stupider kid's review. I do not have to be nice to the stupid kids on Reading Rainbow because they do not pay very interesting advertising revenue."

Speaking of unduly angry sexual frustration...Mrowr! Bunker knows how to fill out a pair of tight pants!

Anyway, the Teen Titans save the day but The Evil Ms. Smarty Pants gets away because this was only part one of the story mysteriously called "Blinded by the Light." Either Will Pfeifer had better hope his story heads in a direction that will mean the title makes sense or he can just keep using song lyrics as titles whether or not they have anything to do with anything. That never stopped Scott Lobdell on his early Red Hood! Maybe it's Rocafort who is getting to title these stories?

The issue ends with Bunker using his power irresponsibly because he never had an uncle to impart great wisdom upon him before dying like a chump.

I figured he was going to say "assholes" or "douchebags."

I'm glad Bunker has suddenly become the language police because that's not the most useless job in the world. And even if language could be lassoed and people could be forced to use language however one individual thinks language should be used, it would be nice to, at the very least, wait until somebody actually says the thing you think they're going to say before overreacting to it. So far, Bunker has seemed the most forgiving and least likely to explode into a rage, so I get that this is a character moment to show that he's very sensitive to bigots and assholes. But here's the thing, Bunker. Assholes like this guy are dinosaurs. They're living, walking, breathing dinosaurs that don't fucking realize they're already extinct. His daughter would probably have realized her dad is a judgmental asshole speaking ill of the people that just saved her. But now? When the same person just slammed her father up against a wall and threatened him? Maybe now she'll believe her dad's prejudices against gay superheroes more readily. Although I bet this guy would have kept his mouth shut if his daughter had been saved by Midnighter!

Anyway, I'm sure Bunker won over more fans than he lost with this moment but I'm not one of them! He's lucky he looks so good in his tights. I can't stay mad at him!

Teen Titans #1 Rating: For the first time in the history of The Teen Titans Ranking History, I'm going to place it right in the middle of the pack. Previously, I think it's always been ranked at about 50 of 52 or lower. It was so awful! Hopefully everybody can forget how awful it was! We're all going to agree that Lobdell's run never happened, right? We'll just throw it in the bin next to Tony S Daniel's run of Hawkman, Rob Liefeld's run of Deathstroke, and Scott Lobdell's run of Superman. Awwwww. That makes me feel so much better.

Teen Titans Annual #3

Doing a commentary on this Annual now that the Teen Titans featuring Scott Lobdell has been cancelled reminds me of one of my favorite lines by Norm McDonald: "What's the point of beating a dead horse aside from the pure pleasure of it?"

That quote may not be exact because I am one of those people that remembers the gist of shit (not jism of shit) rather than forcing myself to remember every line in excruciating detail so I can impress my asshole friends. Here's another one of Norm's lines that I love that I'm probably paraphrasing: "Kenny G has a new Christmas album out this year. Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus. I hope you like crap!"

And speaking of crap, let's read the Teen Titans!

The issue begins promisingly enough!

The only problem with this opening panel is that it occurs eight hours into the future. And we all know how much Scott Lobdell loves time travel comic books because motive derives from seeing the future. So while the Teen Titans would normally have to act according to their dreams, needs, or desires, in a story where we see the future (i.e. the death of the Titans), the Titans can act on that fact alone. So now they're driven to keep themselves from being killed in eight hours. Which they'll probably accomplish because this book is continued in Reboot Version Two in a few months.

Red Robin is then approached by a shadowy stranger that says, "This was all planned, so buck up, buttercup!" That must mean that the shadowy figure is Harvest! And Harvest is here to give Tim Drake the Eternal Kiss! That way, as a vampire, he can grow up to become Harvest so that he can go back in time to make sure that he bites Time Drake to make sure that Harvest can go back in time to bite Tim Drake!

Of course the reader doesn't get to see the face of the person Red Robin is ready to beat the shit out of. Because that's how comic books work, especially when you're too lazy to write your own stories. You just take the usual tropes, write some generic teen angst dialogue, and then run off to fuck a stray dog in the face.

Sometimes I worry that I might cross a line in the activities I imply Lobdell partakes. But then I realize all that I've ever really said, in many various and imaginative ways, is that Scott Lobdell sucks at writing. And the only way he can prove I'm lying is to write something decent. Which he can't do. So I'm lawsuit proof!

Teen Titans #30 ended with the Next Blurb asking readers to pick up the Annual to see who survived the yacht blowing up. As if that was going to be a major part of this annual. But long time readers of Lobdell knew that he'd never continue the story from there nor would he ever tell any more of that part of the tale! He never remembers anything he writes. So he just has Tim Drake watching the yacht sink the next day and thinking, "I'm just glad no one died in the explosion." Don't worry, Timmy. Nobody was fucking worried for one second. Guess what nobody is worried about now?! Nobody is worried that the team is going to die in eight hours.

When you use the same trick over and over, it stops losing its power. Every Lobdell story either involves a threat to the Omniverse which is always overcome, or it involves the future deaths of heroes (or the Omniverse!) which the heroes learn about somehow, so they must avert the future disaster. I'm fairly certain those are his only two stories. He may have others but they probably sucked so badly that I forgot all about them.

"Glue! I need glue!"

Two panels previous to this, Cassie says they have nothing to apologize for. I guess stealing shit doesn't count. Fuck you, Wonder Girl. You're the worst. Right after every other person on this team. And Superman, currently. And soon to be Jason Todd and Roy Harper (again!). Fuck, Lobdell. Why did you blow all of your X-Men money? Shouldn't you have purchased an island and gone off into retirement, never to be heard from or seen again?

This is Raven totally making sense. I want to kill them all as well. Although I actually have motivation for my feelings. "Habbits." Ha ha. Wait. Was that a joke or a typo? So hard to tell when Lobdell often has characters say things that only make sense if somebody were reading their dialogue and the dialogue's punctuation!

Bunker comes along and says, "Oh, hey there, Little Miz Betrayal." And Raven is all, "How'd you know?!" And Bunker is all, "Duh! Scott Lobdell!" And Raven is all, "Oh yeah! Totes duhs!" And Bunker is all, "Jesus loves you and shit even though you suck!" And Raven is all, "That's so cool!" And Bunker is all, "Score! One more in my account, God!" And God is all, "You're going to Hell, you gay." And Satan is all, "Man, that Guy is a prick. Don't worry, Bunker! It's cool down here! The only reason Jesus tells his Followers that Hell is the worst place ever is because I allow gays and Jews down here. We're just kicking it and shit. Just stay away from Trigon; he's a little rapey."

Red Robin has called an emergency meeting at a really stark and plain restaurant because Harvest is back and he's started another colony in Africa! Being that this is a Scott Lobdell story and he has a history of not knowing what the fuck he's doing, I'm not even going to try to figure out how this plan ties in with Harvest's plans in Superboy. I just don't have the patience to spend much brain power on this comic book.

Remember last issue when Skitters mentioned she was stuck in Skitters form? Yeah, the artists don't either.

The restaurant butts up against Danny the Street because Lobdell hasn't spent enough time soiling one of the greatest members of Doom Patrol in the history of members and patrols and doom. Thankfully Danny just transports the team to Africa as quickly as possible and then gets the fuck right out of this comic book. The Teen Titans arrive at the Colony in Africa to find it a little bit different than they remember it.

It's now Professor Harvest's School for Gifted Youngsters.

Seriously though. How many times am I going to be forced to say this: Scott Lobdell never stopped writing the X-Men.

The Titans discover that nobody was permanently killed in the Culling. They were all resurrected and enrolled in Colony College. And none of them were bitter or wanted their freedom or were pissed at how they were manipulated and tortured and killed! Because, fuck it, they're getting a free education now!

Things continue to get more and more familiar and DC's lawyers continue to get more and more nervous.

Cyclops?

Professor...Harvest?!

I'm sure that Lobdell thinks he's being cutesy doing this whole X-men parody thing. But to pull off good parody, you have to have already proven that you can write well (or at least done enough hilarious parody to show that you're good enough to run a site like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea) and that you have ideas of your own. But since Lobdell's last Annual was also a parody of the X-men, Lobdell is simply proving that he has no other ideas. There's still a lot of comic book left, so this whole thing could be an illusion to draw in the Titans and kill them but I have a feeling Harvest might actually be this sick, old vampire version of Tim Drake and he really does want to begin again! Except we saw that beginning sequence so we already know Harvest is a big poopy pantsed liar!

Harvest tells Red Robin that his ultimate goal was to help and maybe he went about it a little wrongheaded that first time. But since he's brought everybody back to life and taken away their powers, no harm, right? Time to party and learn Latin, dudes! Now it's an intellectual Culling! Beast Boy is lucky he's missing out on this one! Total washout, that one.

But then Red Robin and the team explore a bit and then a few pairs of giant green hands grab them all and then Red Robin gives everybody up for dead and is ready to record a message to warn the rest of the world that Professor Harvest's School for Gifted Youngsters is a bullshit front for bullshit and other shit.

That's when Harvest enters the room so that he can have a hearty philosophical brawl with Red Robin.

I suppose Harvest planned every word!

After two and a half years of being the most powerful, well-planned villain in the history of the DC Universe, Harvest goes down like a chump. Raven destroys his Meta-DNA supply so that he can't use it to become a super duper villain (although the college hasn't exploded with him in it yet, so there's always hope of a hand shooting up out of the rubble and a "The End?" popping up under it).

But wait! Scott Lobdell isn't yet done jerking off all over Marvel's trademarks! After the Teen Titans pat themselves on the back for defeating Harvest by leaving him in that explosion (seriously. He was right there. One of them could have helped him out as they fled), Superboy takes over the narration of the comic book! But he's no longer Superboy since he died back in that stupid Back to Krypton story arc. Now, he's a herald of OmniGalactusWatcher!

Or whatever the fuck this stupid piece of shit character is. Oracle!

Please make it stop! But it doesn't stop! It never seems to stop! Lobdell still has a few more pages!

Apparently Wonder Girl went back to being a thief because she's a fucking asshole. And Raven became her roommate because she's pure evil. Bunker and Beast Boy joined with the Green Team to create a new super hero group called International Douchebags. Kid Flash and Solstice are still fucked on future Earth a full millennium century in the future! Skitters got work at STAR Labs where the artists still weren't remembering how she wasn't supposed to be able to control her form. Red Robin hangs out with Batman patrolling Gotham and using their real names which seems stupid but then I'm not Batman so what the fuck do I know? Except we all know that the team is really just going to forget about all of this bullshit and start over in a few months. Even Scott Lobdell knows his shit is going to be forgotten immediately.

Actually, it only matters what happens from here on out. What came before was complete and utter garbage.

Teen Titans Annual #3 Rating: You have to kind of admire how Scott Lobdell thinks that by tacking on these epilogues, he's somehow going to control the future path of these characters. If any of this shit is even mentioned in the new series, I'm betting it doesn't go past a few panels with an editor's note saying, "See Teen Titans Volume One! If you don't give a shit about wasting your time!"