Constantine #23

The whole reflection on the tumbler part of the cover looks like it's straight out of Cerebus.

John Constantine doesn't know how to make friends. I get that. I don't know how to make friends either. The main problem is that friends expect you to actually go out in public and engage in fun activities. Or if you live a long distance from each other, they appreciate long telephone conversations where you update each other on everything that's happened in your lives since last you spoke. But when I'm out in public, I just think about the things I could be doing at home. And I can't stand speaking on the phone because my life isn't a roller coaster providing me with exciting ups and downs week after week. It's probably why when I call my mom, we spend most of the time talking about television shows and/or our pets.

Recently at my sister-in-common-law's husband's birthday dinner, the Non-Certified Spouse's step-brother (Jesus Christ, do we need familial names for everything? I may as well just say "a stranger") asked me what was new. What am I supposed to say? "Since last we spoke, I probably wrote about 100,000 words on various subjects that you don't give a shit about. But writing isn't an interesting experiential story, so from your point of view, I simply sat inside and did nothing." Instead I just said, "Nothing." His response was "Really? I've been so busy." And by "busy," I'm sure he means "enjoying and experiencing life to the ultimate maximum fullest!" I'm sure when I was his age (early twenties), I could respond to his question with many trials and tribulations which would bring him great joy to hear. I suppose if my writing were bringing in some kind of money, or if I packaged it into a socially acceptable manner such as a book they could hold, they'd view what I'm doing as somehow more important than just sitting in a dark room wasting my life. And why should anybody else care how I was consuming my years? If you judge it by your own standards, of course it's going to look like I'm doing the opposite of carpe dictum! "Dudebro! How can you not be out in nature drinking until you puke and smoking ganja! Grab life by the horny girls, man! Scream and yell in public places to show you're having a great time! Try to fuck as many people as possible!" Bah! Get off my lawn!

Maybe I can make friends if I start slowly like Constantine and make enemies first. And I probably shouldn't get my friends killed once I make them. But that's more John's problem than mine.

Ha ha! That's funny because it's the last issue!

Twenty minutes before this panel takes place, page two happened. That's where the huge hand of Darkseid followed Constantine and his pretend family through the portal he created. Also his portal opened in orbit around the Earth because I guess John didn't sacrifice enough friends to provide his spell any accuracy. So now if the giant hand doesn't squash them, or Constantine doesn't kill them with some off the cuff demon summoning, they'll probably suffocate in space.

Except I guess they don't because here they are in a field in England! And now Constantine has to endure the anger of his father. Again! It's tragic because he found a loving version of his father and now even that version hates him. I think it's time for John to look deep inside himself and ask, "Was my real father a dick or was it all my fault?"

As Constantine's Twofer father prepares to put a bullet in John's brain, John remembers how they arrived in this field. Constantine cast a spell to deceive Darkseid and make him think that the universe they escaped to was one that Darkseid had already destroyed. He could have also just shown him a picture of this Earth's Batman and Darkseid would have gone back to the Earth-2 Universe with soiled underwear.

The problem I have with this moment is that I don't feel it means anything. Has Constantine really been brought to a moment of world weary despair? Or is he just, once again, manipulating a situation to achieve the only goal he has ever shown he truly fucking cares about: his continued survival. I know I'm about as cynical as you can get though so it may read differently for more naive gullible credulous emotionally unstable empathetic readers.

Constantine's Twofer father can't pull the trigger so Twofer Maureen takes the gun and tries to put him down. But Constantine utters the magic letter and disappears because why should he ever die when he has the magics!? Ridiculous! Let the other people die! The ones with pockets full of no magic! They should have thought twice before not believing in magic and then dying because they didn't have magic to save them at the cost of somebody else's life. Idiots!

Twofer Chas points out that, you know, they are alive because of that jerk, you know? And at least that's better than not being alive. I mean, if your problem with being saved is that other people weren't saved and you don't know how to live with survivor's guilt, you don't have to be angry at the person who saved you while you take advantage of the gift that person gave you. You can always just kill yourself and set that wrong to right! Do whatever you want! It's no bullet out of my clip.

And then out of all the stuff that just bounces off the unemotional Kevlar of my hide, the last scene almost makes me cry. But then I think about how my father would probably backhand me and scream "Real men don't cry, you pussy baby!" and I pull myself together and do thirty push-ups while looking at raunchy heterosexual pornography while muttering, "Don't cry. Don't you cry, you baby! Crying is for dolls that you put water into and then push a button so they cry real tears and then you scream at them and say, 'I'll give you something to cry about!'"

This is the page that caused all the drama. Or trauma.

Constantine #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. One of the things I've always loved about John Constantine is the way he pisses on the idea of living nobly. Most of us, in our entire lifetime, will never have to make a decision between continuing to live at the expense of another person's life. And I don't mean making unethical business decisions where you gain something at the expense of others. I mean where you trade your own literal life for the literal life of another person. People talk about love and taking a bullet for another person because it's easy to believe those words. It's easy to want to think of yourself as a person who would sacrifice for the good of another even at the cost of your own life. And sometimes it happens but, if I had to guess, that's usually instinctive and at the spur of the moment and never once does the thought, "I'm going to die right now to save somebody," go through a person's mind. Give the person time to think about that decision and let's see what happens. Give them a week to decide to trade their life for somebody else's. Let rationalization take hold and you'll get quite a different result. We rationalize everything in our lives so that we seem to live an ethical, noble life. But isn't it funny how the way we live is exactly the way that fulfills most of our selfish desires? And you don't think making the decision to stay alive would be different somehow? It's the most important thing! And Constantine knows it and he shows it in every action he takes. Which is why I think this was a beautiful ending with Constantine toasting to life. What else is there?

Constantine #22

Constantine's "birth date" must just be a reference to his first actual appearance in Swamp Thing.

I can see DC Comics wanting Constantine to be about twenty-nine. It makes sense since they don't want fucking old people in their comic books anymore. I think Batman being about thirty-two is really pushing the limits of age acceptability. But it makes no sense for John to have been born in 1985 if he hung around CBGBs and the punk scene in New York. I suppose the stories about Constantine and Nick Necro could have taken place in a post-punk hardcore punk punk pop punk punk new punk rock-a-punk junk punk scene of the mid-naughts. You remember that scene, right? That was a pretty wild scene. Right? Wasn't it a scene? Did I get the name wrong? Can we at least pretend it was a scene so we can hear people say, "Dude, I was there! Right smack fucking dab in the middle of the post-punk hardcore punk punk pop punk new punk rock-a-punk junk punk explosion, man!"

Last issue, John Constantine killed Earth-2 John Constantine because that's the closest he'll ever be able to come to killing himself. Except for that time he killed himself when he had lung cancer but that doesn't really count because he knew the bureaucracy and red tape to recover his soul would be so confusing that nobody would allow him to die. So that was less a suicide attempt and more just being a Smart Alec.

Constantine also opened a gate between Earth-2 and Earth-Main-Earth so he could finally return home after his relatively boring trip into the past. He was hoping to take along his lost family and friends but after murdering their John right in front of them, he's kind of lost them as well. But Doctor Cocoa Puffs is still trying to hitch his oxen to the wagon that he's hoping to hitch to Constantine's star because he wants to stop being Doctor Cocoa Puffs and once again become good old normal Doctor Fate. But I'll only ever call him that when he resides on Earth-Main-Earth! So he'd better come up with a spell that allows him to follow John! This story probably takes place after Doctor Cocoa Puff's trip to Apokolips where Khalid and Nabu become best friends and easy lovers.

Making friends the John Constantine way!

Constantine doesn't want these people thinking he's the worst liar and murderer to ever exist, so he takes them on a site seeing tour of Heaven where God is shutting up the Pearly Gates and leaving the universe because He's afraid of Darkseid. So Constantine's argument is what? "I may have just killed their best friend but look at God! What a Dick, right?!" Why would they even believe what they're seeing is real? He's shown he can do great feats of magic and he's shown that he's a great big bloody lying bastard! Do those make for a trustworthy tour guide?

Doctor Cocoa Puffs continues to hamper Constantine's escape attempt. He can apparently shoot Ankh-shaped fish hooks into the portal that John opened but he can't follow himself unless John allows it. In his fishing attempts, he manages to snare Earth-2 John's Mom and pull her off of Constantine's Tenser's Floating Disc. Constantine's fake family get even angrier.

You know, John, some people's base motivation isn't simply self-preservation at any cost. I know! It's crazy. It should be but it isn't for some reason!

General Apathy continues to hound Constantine as well. I guess it can travel in the spaces between worlds too. Probably because it was told it can't and it was just all, "Boundaries? Limits? Whatever."

Constantine and his group (composed of many more people than just his pseudo-family and quasi-friends. I guess he just grabbed up everybody near the spell in London) travel through The Green and The Grey and The Red until they wind up in the Astral Realm. Even here, Parademons attack a blue flame that is the source of life in the universe. Is this like that light that Lobo kept trying to snuff out in the Magenta Timeline? But Constantine ignores it because fuck the Earth-2 universe! Put a spork in it, as the kids say, because it's too hard to eat with just a fork or a spoon. And then Constantine and his new frenemies are suddenly through into the Earth-Main-Earth universe! And they brought a gigantic hand with them!

Whoops!

Is it the Anti-Monitor's hand? The Anti-Monitor really hates Earths that aren't Earth-Main-Earth. And he probably hates that Earth too even though he never got a chance to show it.

Apparently it's just Darkseid's hand. And he's suddenly become interested in Constantine because Darkseid likes to find new Universes to consume and Constantine has shown the ability to cross from one to the next. Constantine throws a bunch of survivors at Darkseid's hand because fuck them. They would have already been dead anyway if it hadn't been for Constantine. Now he's trying to save Universe-Main-Universe and the only way to do it is to pull a con on Darkseid and he's only got one issue left.

Constantine #22 Rating: No change. Darkseid didn't recognize Earth-Main-Earth's universe but that was probably because only his hand made it through the portal and Darkseid is no Ten Eyed Man. If Darkseid had known which universe Constantine had escaped to, Darkseid might have retreated of his own free will. Not the universe that kicked his ass! Not the universe with The Batman that humiliated him and his son and his Glorious Godfrey! Not the universe that put Highfather in his place with a proper scolding from Hal Jordan! No reason to kick that universe full of hornets when there are 50 others to kick that are full of easier victims, like cartoon rabbits and Chibi Superheroes and Marvel families that can't even say "crap" or take advantage of Georgia Sivana's wonderful traits.

I just realized next month is going to be a pretty exciting time with Last Issues all over the place!

Constantine #21

Has Doctor Fate's helmet always looked like a scowling crow with a Great Gatsby haircut and a spit curl?

My friend Doom Bunny wants me to do his wife's job for her! No, not that job! Apparently she's going to have her 7th Grade class write poems or something and he wants Grunion Guy to write an example poem demonstrating all of the poetic techniques they'll have to use in their poems. But he didn't tell me how much he was going to pay me so I'm not working on it at all!

I mean, maybe I'll think about it a little bit! I guess they have to write a poem about an animal or insect that most people dislike and the poem is supposed to convince the audience that they're stupid idiots and totally wrong in their opinion. I was thinking about doing a poem about dogs but I think most people like dogs for some reason. Probably because most people are needy dumb dumbs who love having their crotches sniffed, I guess. Then I figured it's supposed to be an example poem, so what better creature to use than a spider, right? Most people hate spiders but I know those people are, once again, needy dumb dumb who love having their crotches sniffed!

Now that I've chosen the spider as my topic, the next thing I need to demonstrate to a bunch of stupid probably virgin 7th graders is the concept of a refrain. Calling 7th Graders virgins makes it sound like I'm looking down on them because I've had sex, right? I don't want it to sound like I haven't had sex because that would be a mistake on my part for letting that cat slip out of the bag and a mistake on your part for thinking that I haven't sexed up loads of socially acceptable partners! Anyway, I need a refrain! It's hard to come up with one of my own so I think I'll borrow one. Don't worry, I'll give it back later.

My Spider Poem Refrain:

"I'll be trapped beneath your finger!" x 2 twice and then it will become this:

"You'll be wrapped around my stinger!" x 2!

Oh yeah! That's clever! And probably anatomically correct! Unless it isn't and then let's call it poetic license!

Okay, next I need to demonstrate personification. That's easy! The spider will just narrate the entire poem! So the last things I need are alliteration, onomatopoeia, simile, and metaphor. And with those building blocks, I've come up with this! Boy, I hope I come up with something soon after a lead up like that!

"The Spider"

You consider me a household horror
Lost beneath the futon's fuzzy folds!
Traumatized by your hysteric weeping
No one in the house will still be sleeping.

I was only crawling seeking dinner
I don't want my eight legs getting thinner.
Like a simile you think I'm useless.
Because a simile's a metaphor, you know, it just is!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

You should feel lucky when you see a
Spider. Don't worry about onomatopoeia!
Spiders don't make sounds so just forget it!
Unless your cat meows and then you pet it!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

Spiders are the best you now can say!
Say I convinced you so I can get an A!
I think I already did alliteration!
Mrs. Bunny can now go on vacation!

You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
Thank you and love spiders! Good night Denver!

I hope that's good enough for that rascally Doom Bunny and his wife! I think it teaches the kids everything they need to know about poetry!

Hey! That's what I've always said!

Constantine can't cross back to Earth-Main-Earth while both he and John-2 are still alive. So now he's stalling until he can figure out a way to kill John-2 without everybody going, "Yo! Why'd you do that for?!" It's possible Doctor Cocoa Puffs can help but Constantine needs to figure something out quick because an army of parademons has just descended on London looking for them.

Doctor Fate knows how to fix the problem. All Constantine has to do is put on a little golden helmet and everything will work out. It's just a little helmet! Maybe a bit garish, true. But come on! What harm can it do? Nabu wouldn't lie to you, would he, Constantine?!

Just kill him, John! Is pretending you considered taking your own life really going to make you feel better later?

Constantine watches, once again, his loved ones dying around him. He knows he should be the one to die to save them all. But he can't do it. Not when there's still another way to save his damned soul by killing John-2. And so that's what he does. To save the others, sure, but mostly just to save himself. Fuck if I don't totally relate to this bastard.

Once John-2 is dead, Constantine and his Earth-2 friends and family begin the journey to Earth-Main-Earth. He makes sure to piss off Doctor Cocoa Puffs and leave him well behind. But now he has to face John-2's people who all watched as Constantine killed their loved one. So now Constantine's going to have to lose them all over again because how can they not all hate him now?

Hell, Constantine might die anyway! I mean, of course he won't because his name is on the cover. But, you know, we can pretend he could die in his own book! Sometimes that happens to characters!

Constantine #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was far better than my snarky comments about John's selfishness and cowardice make it out to be. But this blog isn't some touchy feely hugfest of emotional insights! It's a blog where I quickly change the subject to masturbation whenever I become too uncomfortable from all the feelings I'm experiencing. Besides, I spent a lot of time writing a fantastic poem to help out a friend! I don't have time to also point out how I share Constantine's sense of self-preservation at any cost! If I had the opportunity to save my family at the expense of my own life, I'd be all, "Mom who? What? Dad? Where's my dad? What?! I don't know any of these people!" Fuck it, man. I can live with that!

Constantine #20

Will kids today understand the double meaning of reflection here?!

I love practicing being an old man! I need to think up some hilariously mean shit to yell at the neighborhood kids from the porch so they think, "That is the coolest old man ever." Mostly I just have to say stuff like the above caption where I never give young people the benefit of the doubt. "By golly, they're all narcissistic assholes! Have you heard that twaddle they call music and not twaddle like they should be calling it if they cared a whit for accuracy?! I hope they all develop raging cases of genital warts due to all that free love they're practicing as they smoke the legal dope! Bah! They don't know the value of a good high because they never had to meet a sketchy guy on the side of a 7-11 at three in the morning who, after making the sale, then wanted to hang out with you while you get high! Fucker! You're my connection, not my friend! What I wouldn't have gave to be able to buy my pot from a clerk across the counter who couldn't follow me home to drink all of my beers and piss on my bathroom floor!"

I hope the last thing I think before I die is, "Oh my God I've never come so hard in my life!"

This issue is called "Meaningful Gestures." You mean like flipping the bird?

Last issue left off with Constantine barging in on Constantine and his family and friends. It's the life John never knew because he had to get into magic and burn the house down around his parents' ears. And then he got all of his friends killed. And then he pissed off London so that he can't ever go back (although I guess Earth-2 London is safe) and he burned several bridges between himself and Maureen so she stopped loving him. And now he's suddenly confronted by all of the things his poor decisions over the years cost him.

Ha ha!

I feel this every time I look at people living normal lives. Did refusing to make all of those hard choices cheat me out of some other, better life? Has this Tess, the one that always took the easy way, missed out on a fulfilled life? If this is the best life I could have lived, why do I feel so empty and defeated? I bet it's because I haven't found Jesus!

Man, have you guys ever seen those 700 Club commercials where people say things like, "I'm here to tell you there's something missing in your life. And that something is Jesus." Then they show the guy wearing a Tribble on his head and he's all, "My life is so fantastic now that I hang out with Christians who are too polite to tell me that my toupee looks like shit! Thank you, Jesus!"

I can't wait for Christmas Dinner with the Common-In-Laws now! I'm going to shit all over everybody's festive mood!

John-2's family learns that Constantine is from a different Earth and that maybe he can take them all over before their Earth is destroyed. But then all the apathetic, despairing losers driven mad by the Succumbubus break into the house and try to kill everybody. Constantine and his new friends make a break for it and begin running madly through London.

I hope I remember to add the Succumbubus to my Places and Predators Monster Manual.

This picture doesn't make me quite as gleeful as this picture did way back when.

Eventually Constantine and his new family find a place to hide from the crazies. It gives Constantine a chance to tell them scary stories about how their world is ending because he knows a few things about Darkseid.

I know! You heat up the doorknob and then put Hot Wheels all over the floor and rig a paint can full of rocks to knock Darkseid into the basement!

Constantine and his Earth-2 family draw magic hoodoo and mystic symbols all over the walls and floor of their hidey-hole. Sometimes you have to wonder who Constantine is trying to fool. Darkseid? His new family? Himself? Maybe all three?

One person he doesn't fool (and probably wasn't trying because, hey! Free magic helmet!) was Doctor Cocoa Puffs. He arrives to let everybody know that he's there to help. Too bad John just got done telling everybody not to trust whatever magical being is attracted to their ritual!

Constantine #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This actually felt like a fucking Hellblazer story. And it'll especially feel like a Hellblazer story if the fucking shit hits the fucking fan next issue and a whole lot of innocent people die in John's attempt to get back to Earth-Main-Earth!

Constantine #19

Remember when Alan Dean Foster wasn't writing novels based on movies and was writing those Spellsinger books? No? Nobody?

I hate my stupid self from last month, writing about my feline friend Judas! Because Constantine #18 was the last commentary I wrote while Judas was still alive and next on my stack is Batman which is the first commentary I wrote after he died. I need to find a box of tissues before I reread my Batman commentary after this! Maybe I'll just leave that one unedited! I think it's too soon for me to reread what I wrote! Writing is stupid! Our feelings weren't meant to be remembered! They're meant to get past and then bottled up and then repressed and then never thought about again while we play golf or video games or gamble or drink or have sex with dangerously strange strangers! I'm using lots of exclamation points because I'm nervous about revisiting the experience! Help!

Constantine is currently on Earth-2 where cats live forever and only people die. Lots and lots of people die! All the time! Currently, Constantine is trying not to die at all. Not even a little bit even! He's just trying to find himself. Ha ha! That's a good joke. Probably the only joke on Earth-2 since the laughter died years ago. Unless the laughter was just locked in a stasis chamber and only died recently when Replacement Batman shot it in the face.

I'm not even on an alternate Earth dealing with alternate people and I still think like this.

Constantine says something about being "wood friendly" but I refuse to scan that panel because I'm not an immature asshole that giggles at erection innuendos. I'm starting to think that I only ever enjoyed John Constantine when he was swearing because this book has been a huge let down for quite awhile. And the television show is a bit of a snoozefest. It reminds me of the first season of The X-files in that the stories are fairly one dimensional and a bit unimpressive. The huge difference though is that The X-files had two characters with great chemistry and an obvious connection right from the outset. Mulder was a believer in conspiracies and aliens while Scully was the rational half. Scully was a believer in God and the afterlife while Mulder was the spiritual skeptic. Mulder had a huge phone while Scully had huge shoulder pads. Mulder had a penis; Scully had a vagina. They just completed each other! Constantine has a hallucinating street urchin and an immortal cab driver. That sounds more entertaining than it's been so far!

As John tries to get to Liverpool to find John-2, his car is hit by a meteor and he loses consciousness. But before he succumbs to a succumbubus, Doctor Fate speaks to him from the great somewhere else and says, "John! John! I can see your house from here!"

Well, you see, Doctor Fate is flying so high that he can look through the dimensional bar...oh, never mind!

Continuing to Liverpool, John finds a car that passed him earlier with a child and her parents. The parents are still in the car but their brains are not still in them. But the girl is missing. And even though she's not real, he gets out to look for her anyway. Because he doesn't want to succumb to the succumbubus! He wants to care! He wants to feeeeeeel!

That was a cheery side trip!

John eventually makes it to Liverpool where he finds his old house (not burned down years ago!) and he finds his old self (I mean his duplicate John-2 self!) and he finds his old friend Chaz (I think!) and he finds his old father, Dad (alive!)

And, well, that's it. It was a story about a journey! A journey home! That's the most important kind of journey because it's always so disappointing. I haven't been back to my home town in about four years because it's just so depressing to go back. I always think of that song by Poe, "Spanish Doll," and the lines, "This place feels so unfamiliar yet I know it well. I think I used to belong here...". And so on! It wrecks me every time.

Actually, I really don't know what that story was about. Not giving up? Not being taken by the succumbubus? Running out of cigarettes?

Constantine #19 Rating: This comic doesn't fascinate or intrigue me like it should. It should intrigue me like the following bit of prose by Alan Moore (from the September 1984 "Meanwhile...") intrigues me:

This is the place.

This is the place where even the brave men with pig-iron in their hearts ran out of steam, and nerve, and concrete, saying "this far we go. No further." The last outpost of the Jurassic, where the anemic rocks still ring with the death-shrieks of the mastodons. This is the edge of the twentieth century.

It was here that the Emperor Napoleon faltered and lost faith with the New World. He sold it to Thomas Jefferson, 909,130 square miles of it, for fifteen million dollars, and the United States doubled in size overnight. But there are certain territories which, though they may be sold, can never truly be owned. There are certain territories that are the property of something older than ourselves.

Berries the color of iodine glisten amongst the viscous shadows. Insects of poisonous beauty couple in the damp, rot-scented air. Louisiana swelters beneath an icebound moon.

This is the place.

The elements blur together dangerously here: solid land dissolves away to water; water thickens to mud and then to firm earth. The inviting meadow of hyacinths will part if stepped upon, allowing access to the deep and stagnant darknesses beneath. The waters rise, establishing a slime-line on the bolls of the closest trees. The waters drop. Divorced from the ocean and its implacable schedule, the tides here are alien and glacially slow. Fresh mudbanks erupt from nowhere, brown and glistening. They remain for a week and then melt, sliding away to blossom elsewhere. The waters rise. The waters drop. The Swamp is breathing, in great, humid lungfuls.

Lovers came here once, in white clothes that became streaked with green. After an hour they went away again to lead largely happy lives, leaving crushed fern, crumpled tissues, and one third of a bottle of Sangria. The Swamp devoured it, without haste.

Two men with eyes as dull and flat as nail-heads came, leaving behind them five cases of whiskey and one dead man. The whiskey they returned for after a fortnight. This was long ago. Nobody ever found out.

And there was a teenage girl who also came, her despair so fierce and black that the midges would not gather to her. The shopping bag in her hand contained something small and cold and still and a stone to weight it down with. Her heart contained the same things, but after a different fashion. The first she let slip beneath the iridescent scum. The second she took away and carried with her always.

The Swamp devoured them, devoured them all, without haste, without discrimination.

This is the place.

Constantine #18

I can't believe Constantine won't be allowed to smoke in his new show on NBC. I bet he doesn't get to say "cunt" either. Lame.

I should probably wait to do this commentary after Constantine airs this Friday but it was next in my stack and who am I to argue with The Stack? Somebody probably organized these comic books to be read in the most entertaining order. Or somebody just pulled them out of a paper sack and shoved them in a drawer. Who can remember what somebody was thinking two weeks ago?

I always think of my past self as some other person. It makes it easier to deny responsibility for all of those horrible things I did as a teenager.

I bet if I had psoriasis, I'd never get anything done. The skin under my sideburns is patchy and flaky right now and I just spent the last fifteen minutes carefully picking flakes out of my sideburn and carefully examining each one's size and texture. Nothing compares to the feeling of slowly pulling a flake of skin from one's scalp (or cheek or whatever!), being careful so it doesn't break apart as you drag it through your hair, admiring it's size, and then, if it's big and beautiful, weirdly keeping it on the windowsill near your shaving mirror for months. That may or may not have been a favorite hobby of mine in junior high.

That previous paragraph was all just speculative fiction for your enjoyment. I never really did any of that! Ha! Ha ha! Heh heh. Yeah.

Last issue, Constantine was propelled into the future by Dr. Occult, losing his Foghorn Leghorn sword in the process. But he wasn't just blasted forward in time! He was knocked across universes as well. He arrives on Earth-2 on his doppelganger's birthday where he meets up with Wonton.

Sorry! Sorry! Geez. Wotan. He meets up with Wotan.

Since John is now on Earth-2, I have to think up a nickname for the Twofer version of himself. How about...Johnny Constantwin?

Johnny Constantwin is hanging out with his Vertigo friends and his wife. And none of them are dead! This world is too weird for me. I hope John gets back to Old Standby Earth soon.

Wotan just wants to use Constantine as a ferry to Old Standby Earth where he'll be the most powerful mage ever! After all the other ones that John doesn't tell him live there. You know which ones I'm talking about! Like Zatara! Or that other one!

While John battles Wotan, Johnny Constantwin feels the fight. It's like he's a Corsican Constantwin.

Eventually, I'm sure, Constantine uses some humble street magician's trick to win the day and then he returns home with Doctor Fate's helmet for some reason. I probably shouldn't trust the cover! This could be one of those Silver Age covers where the cover made the story look way more exciting to an eight year old kid with a dime burning a hole in his pocket. Or her pocket if the cover was a Night Nurse Romance comic book!

I can't resist translating the Runespeak whenever it appears. I don't even have to check my cheat sheet anymore. The main thing I've learned from translating Runespeak? You should never bother translating the Runespeak.

I'll translate the Runespeak in the above panels for all you students that were always told you were wasting your potential but always knew, deep in your heart, that was a lie and, if anything, you were exceeding your potential in the hopes that one of your parents would notice and throw a praise or two in your direction.

In the first panel, Wotan says, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." Constantine replies, "Their like it's better than mine." That's exactly what he said so don't tell me I'm an idiot! Don't shoot the translator! In the second panel, Wotan says, "Anything you can do I can do better." And then little Johnny Howard says, "I can do anything better than you." In the third panel, Wotan says, "What's the guys name on first base?" And John replies, "What's the guy on second, who is on first!" They're such cut ups!

That's my fair warning to resist translating DC's Runespeak. It's nearly always bullshit that pulls you right out of the story. Occasionally the letter will take the instructions literally like in the most recent issue of Action Comics where Superman speaks Krypton and his Kryptonese says, "Three Kryptonian Words." Once, the letters were written backwards and it was a secret message to the letterer's fuck buddy.

Wotan uses Constantine as a portal but since two Constantines currently exist on Earth-2, Wotan is ripped in half and dies forever, never to be seen in The New 52 ever again. I might be exaggerating.

Now Constantine needs to find Constantwin so they can safely devise a spell to get Constantine back to Old Standby Earth.

Constantine #18 Rating: No change. I've got bigger problems right now than caring if Constantine is as good as it used to be. I don't think my cat Judas has much more time left in him. I can't even read one comic book without having to help him with something or clean him up or help him eat or help him drink or make him purr for a half an hour with chin scratches. Maybe for my next commentary, it'll just read, "Batman acts condescending and self-righteous. The end."

Batwoman #34

Remember when this comic book was fascinating as opposed to merely passable?

Batwoman has been having vampire troubles in Gotham City. I suppose that's more interesting than slapstick problems, or flightless bird problems, or brain teaser problems, or undead zombie assassin monster problems. That last one sounds like it could be vampire problems but it's not. It was a problem that went on and on and on for like eight years until all that was left was a mute undead zombie assassin monster that nobody would bother to buy a pad and pencil for so she could communicate more effectively.

At the end of last issue, Batwoman had been confronted by Nocturna, Night-Thief, and Killshot. It was a panoply of horribly named villains! I think I'll name my eventual memoir, "A Panoply of Masturbation Anecdotes." That should get it to fly right off the shelves!

Right, Batwoman? It boggles the mind. Also, I'm ignoring the fact that your moniker is "Batwoman." On the plus side, Moritat! Although, really, what kind of name is that as well?

Luckily for Batwoman, nobody is interested in her. Unluckily for Batwoman, she keeps putting herself between Killshot and Night-Thief so that they're reminded she's also somebody they can punch. Or shoot. Or rip off her weave.

Maybe these two can go out for a stake dinner afterward! That's a vampire joke because the best stakes have lots of garlic on them and vampires hate garlic! Oh! Also I spelled stake wrong! I meant steak.

Night-Thief gets shot a few times in the chest by Killshot and tumbles off of the building and into the bay, dragging Nocturna with him. Killshot somehow thinks he's going to receive a check for the assassination of Nocturna without any proof her demise, so he's even dumber than his name would suggest. And I already scanned two pictures too closely together or else I'd scan the panel where Moritat draws some really cute cleavage on Nocturna hanging upside down. Sorry about that, cleavage fans.

Cleveland should rename itself to Cleavage. That sounds like a fun town! As opposed to "Cleveland" which sounds like a rather unexciting sewage system.

Another reason Killshot isn't going to collect a check on this job is because Batwoman knocks him out cold with the old Bat-Electrified-Wire gag. Then she leaves him for the cops and goes out to her favorite dive bar, The Haunted Clam. Moritat must also head out for a drink since he's done with his part of the arting.

Instead of going to the bar, Kate Kane goes and cleans all of her possessions out of Maggie Sawyer's apartment. I'm really disappointed in Kate. She wants to be with Maggie. Maggie wants to be with her. Jaime likes her. But Kate is letting the whole incident where she startled the kid in the middle of the night get out of hand. Kate believes she's responsible for the tension between Maggie and her ex-husband. No, you know where that tension comes from, Kate? Divorce. It's just two bitter and resentful individuals trying to fuck with each other as much as they can because their feelings were hurt. I think the jerky way people treat each other during a divorce is caused by the huge embarrassment of having invited all of their friends to a ceremony that they subsequently shit all over. How do you keep the wedding presents after that and still look your friends in the eyes?

Kate tries to sneak out while just leaving a Dear Johnette letter (unless it's a Dear Jane letter (or maybe just a Fuck You, I'm Outta Here letter)) but Maggie comes home. And she's so happy to see her across the next two pages that I don't want to fucking turn the page! Poor Maggie. Jerko Kate! Stupid Dan DiDio.

Kate pretends everything is just fine before scurrying into the elevator and getting the hell out of there before Maggie gets a chance to read the letter. That's the second best way to break up with someone. The best way is to put your car in neutral, push it off of a bridge, and then start a new life in Argentina.

The letter is actually pretty decent. The only problem is that it's still Kate controlling and manipulating the people and the environment around her instead of trusting that other people can make decisions and compromises about their own lives all by themselves. Anyway, she's leaving Maggie until Jaime, Maggie's daughter, dies or runs away or decides she wants to live full time with her father. Then they can get back together and be two single people alone together. Or something.

With that not very sexy drama over, Kate goes home to get sexily bitten by a sexy vampire.

Lucky!

Batwoman #34 Rating: No change. At one point in the latter half of the comic, Kate's psychiatrist says to her, "You made a decision based on the emotional welfare of someone else. That proves you're not a sociopath." I think that means I am a sociopath! I don't think I've ever made a decision like that in my life! I didn't even know other people had emotional welfares! It's as if he's saying other people actually exist as autonomous beings! Ridiculous.

Batwoman #33

Why didn't "Murderbang" make the cover? Or was his name "Slaypow"? "Deathbullet"? "Gunviolence"?

I currently have too many followers which isn't good for the environment. The more people that read my blog, the more bandwidth is used. The more bandwidth used, the more air conditioners have to be set up to cool the servers housing my spectacularly interesting blog posts. The more air conditioners blowing, the more energy used. The more energy used, the more...well, I don't know. I think eventually one of my sentences winds up pointing out how we're doing something negative to the environment. Not that anybody particularly cares about the environment! But they do care about living and it's nice to maintain an environment that sustains human life. So for my part in helping maintain a lower humidity living environment, I'm going to have to say some very unpopular things so that followers will get angry with me and stop following. Be prepared to be shocked and offended!

Puppies are fugly assholes.

Capitalism is simply communism with more expensive make-up on.

Your side of the political debate is full of insincere pleas and poorly thought out ideas.

Reality television shows are fantastic and unmatched forms of entertainment.

Marvel comics are way better than DC Comics and always have been at all times forever.

The original Star Wars movie was a piece of shit.

Homosexual sex is for queers.

The three most contentious religions on the planet all believe in the same God. You know the one. The one that spoke with Abraham. It's the same God, you dodo-heads! Does everyone just believe God thought it would be funny to send different prophets with different messages to all of Abraham's various descendents? Actually, I think He was just trying to keep his word but Abraham was a fucking dick so everything got all screwed up.

God: "Hey Abraham! Your descendants shall rule nations and shit!"
Abraham: "Cool! You hear that Ishmael? Isaac? You guys are going to be big shots!"
Sarah: "Abraham! Get that maid's son out of my sight, you pecker! He's ruining Isaac's party!"
Abraham: "Okay, Ishmael. You heard your shrew. I mean mom! You're on your own now. Get the fuck out of my house."
God: "Wait. What?! Medammit! Are you sure you want to do that, Abe? I promised him a kingdom, you know? Are you sure you want a kingdom as powerful as Isaac's kingdom but run by a guy with severe daddy issues? It'll be right next door, you know?"
Abraham: "Look, God. You don't have to live with Sarah. Let future generations deal with any problems. By the way, did you have to change her name to 'princess'? Went straight to her fucking head, it did."

That should do it! On to Batwoman now!

Kate Kane has a dream that she's a vampire and she, alongside Nocturna, attacked Maggie and her daughter, Jaime.

Or was it a dream?! Usually if you dream you are a vampire and you've attacked someone, it wasn't a dream at all. That's how vampirism works!

Meanwhile, Killshot is somehow living under the impression that he has a cool name. He's also being paid to not assassinate Nocturna. Actually, he's being paid to assassinate her but not when he has the opportunity but when "Miss Witherspoon" says he can. I think Miss Witherspoon is Sophie, Kate's ex, but I can't be certain because my memory with names isn't so great. I'm much better with faces but since Miss Witherspoon currently has guacamole and cucumbers on her face, I don't recognize her.

While Nocturna sexes up a society function, Kate Kane decides to seek invaluable wisdom from her psychiatrist.

Oh yeah. That's money well spent.

It actually doesn't matter how good Kate's psychiatrist is since she's not really letting go and embracing the process. So he can say as much obvious bullshit as he wants and it's not going to matter. Kate needs a psychiatrist that deals exclusively with superheroes so she can be honest with her. I'm sure one must exist somewhere. Probably a supervillain though.

This format worked earlier, so why not stick with it: While Nocturna sexes up the man she met at the society function, Kate Kane calls Maggie's ex-husband because she can't help making situations worse than they already are. She might need therapy. Um, proper therapy! Not some guy that says things like, "Dreams aren't really real!" and "Perhaps you have ze issues mit Ihre Mutter?"

Jesus Christ! Are you not even listening to your therapist? Remember how you have a problem with control issues? Fucking narcissist! You did not cause the relationship problems between these people and you do not have to solve them either!

Nocturna's brand new fiancé winds up getting shot by Killshot because he sucks at the aiming part of shooting people with a rifle. At least his name holds true and the person he shoots, he kills. Perhaps "Crackshot" would have been a better moniker to work toward? Or "Deadeye"? But for now, he's just a useless twat amongst a city full of people that are more than capable of shooting the correct person.

Batwoman hears the shot and descends upon Killshot like a Batman. But there's a complication since Night-Thief descends upon Killshot like a Batman as well. Night-Thief might be a worse name than Killshot. I wouldn't have guessed Marc Andreyko was going to try to come up with a shittier name but he went for it and succeeded! Nice one!

Oh, and then Nocturna descends upon all the descending Batmen like a descending Batman. But the big fight won't come until next issue. And by "the big fight," I mean when Maggie finds out Kate called her ex-husband.

Batwoman #33 Rating: No change. I sure wish Batwoman made better decisions in her life! No wonder she loves running around as Batwoman since she feels in control as that persona. In her personal life, she's trying to control everything but failing miserably because she seems to forget that other people are, in fact, other people! They get to make decisions and mistakes all by themselves! I don't think Kate needs a therapist; I think she needs a pot brownie every now and again. Chill out, lady!

What are the laws regarding pot in Gotham? And if they're lenient, what does Batman think of them?

Secret Origins #3

Can't I get a copy for $2.99 with the Scott Lobdell story removed?

Didn't Scott Lobdell already tell Red Robin's secret origin in the "pages" of Teen Titans? I put pages in quotation marks because I'm not generally inclined to call used toilet paper "pages." I bet even he's forgotten what he said in that origin and he's just going to slather up an entirely new one for this issue. Although that would require more writing and writing is much easier when you know what CTRL-C and CTRL-V do!

I might actually enjoy the Scott Lobdell story since I'm not going to let anything ruin my day! Today is my cat Judas's fifteenth birthday. I baked him a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. He mostly just licked off the frosting and now he's lying on the middle of the floor resting. And holding his breath. He's so silly!

Green Lantern
Everybody knows Green Lantern's secret origin! But I suppose DC has to stack these first few issues with Justice League members to make sure that the completionist fans out there buy up all the overpriced issues of this thing. I would have guessed Wonder Woman would have been on the cover of this issue since DC is always touting Supes, Bats, and Wonds as the big three. I suppose Wonder Woman and The Flash will make the covers of the next two issues.

Let's see how well I remember Green Lantern's origin! Abin Sur drink drives his ship right into the side of the Earth. Being that he wasn't wearing a seat belt, he's thrown from the cockpit and impaled on a cactus. Being without fear, he believes he'll pull through without contacting a replacement and dies. The ring then begins searching for a suitable replacement. It realizes Guy Gardner is the best man for the job but he's all the way on the other side of the globe or something and there's a guy named Hal Jordan who's much closer and might not have the least fear but he's got the most stubbornness and that's close enough to willpower. The ring pulls Jordan from his jet fighter and tells him that he's the new Green Lantern. Since Hal has never met a talking ring before, so he thinks he's having a conversation with the obviously dead alien in front of him. The ring convinces him to become Green Lantern by saying, "With great power, comes great amounts of partying." Hal chugs a beer, howls like a gorilla, and pumps his fist in the air before flying off to become the douchiest Green Lantern in history!

Was I close?

What the hell is Venditti doing? Trying to get me to sympathize with Hal on the first page? No way! Forget it! I hate kids and sad kids are the worst!

Jordan grew up to be a pilot to prove to himself that his father's death didn't paralyze him and keep him afraid of living. Instead he chose to live completely immersed in fear. I know how that is! My mom raised me on horror movies! Most of my childhood was spent in abject terror! I bet I could be a Green Lantern now because I learned how to beat fear! Here's the secret: you close off the part of your brain that allows you to feel fear. Oh sure, you have to make some sacrifices since all the other emotions are tucked up in that part of the brain as well. But so what if I never felt joy or love or melancholy or sadness or exuberance ever again! I was free from fear! No wonder Hal Jordan sucks at loving Carol Ferris! Hal and I are emotionless twinsies!

You had Hal at "most powerful weapon in the universe."

So Hal joins the Corps and he mentions Sinestro and a few other things and there you have it. Green Lantern's secret origin finally revealed!

Green Lantern's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. The twist here is that Hal Jordan is addicted to fear. He tries to portray running toward fear as a noble thing but really he's just a fear junkie with Daddy Issues that left him with a death wish. At one point he says, "Everyone feels fear. Someone says they don't, they're a liar." Well, I don't feel fear and I'm not a liar! Well, okay, I do lie occasionally but not about important stuff! Although I did feel a bit freaked out after watching V/H/S in the dark in the wee hours of the morning last week. But being creeped out isn't exactly experiencing fear! Remember how Roosevelt said that fear only fears itself? I totally believe that and am not scared of anyth...eeek! SPIDER!

Batwoman
I know Batwoman's secret origin! Someone at DC Comics was sitting on the shitter one day and thinking, "Batman. Batman. How can we capitalize on more Batman without eroding the brand? Batman. Batm...Batwoman!" He then hopped off the toilet yelling, "I've got it! I've got it!" He stumbled out of the man's bathroom just as a female employee was stumbling out of the woman's bathroom yelling, "I've got it! I've got it!" And that's how the chocolate of Batwoman got deliciously mixed up with the peanut butter of 52! Also nobody washed their hands in the excitement of the moment which is why everybody that read the first printing issues of 52 got E. coli.

Another secret origin that begins with a sad kid and a dead parent!

I said I wouldn't let anything ruin this day and here DC is trying to shit all over it with sad children and dead parents and sadness and more sadness! Jesus Christ, DC! Let's lighten up a bit, hunh? At least I know Tim Drake's parents don't die! Although I don't know if Scott Lobdell can be trusted to keep that canon! He might decide he wants Tim's real parents to die horribly on the first page of the Secret Origin and then we'll learn the parents of Tim we know have adopted him.

Later, Kate leaves West Point for kicking too much ass and Batman tells her to not make a habit of being gay. Or vice versa. I always get confused between violence and homosexuality. I think it's because I grew up watching Three's Company. I knew Jack Tripper was pretending to be gay and you could tell his slapstick pratfalls were totally faked. So I thought being gay meant being clumsy and smashing your head into open cabinets and falling over furniture and getting bashed in the head by wine bottles.

Kate spends a few years training under her father's tutelage. He also designs her costume for her, edging quite a ways into copyright infringing territories. Later still, Kate meets Maggie Sawyer and they hit it off and everything is perfect! I think the last panel should have had Dan Didio's shadow looming over Batwoman and Gotham City scowling at the fact that she's happy and fulfilled.

Batwoman's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed this because, ignoring the death of Kate's mom, it was upbeat and positive. Kate's rise to Batwoman wasn't due to misfortune and trauma. She took control of her own life at every turn and became what she wanted to become, always true to herself. This origin story actually made me happy! Uh oh. That's a bad sign! If the happiness got out of the locked area in my brain then that means the fear may have gotten out as well! Shit shit shit shit shit. I wonder where I put the night lights?

Red Robin
If I read any Preboot comic books with Time Drake in them, I've completely forgotten about them. So I don't know anything about Tim Drake's Preboot Secret Origin except what I've heard from other people. This origin begins with Tim Drake claiming he figured out Batman's secret identity. I think that's what happened Preboot. But it isn't what happened in the previous Red Robin secret origin written by Scott Lobdell! No, he thought he figured it out. But he didn't. It was Dick Grayson who figured out Batman's secret identity in The New 52. But remember how I said Lobdell was probably going to ignore what he wrote before and completely change it? Well, so far, one page into this origin, it looks like that's what he's doing.

Is the smartest sidekick ever going to fall for the Batman and Bruce Wayne seen at the same time cover story?! Also, his name is now Timonthy!

So Scott Lobdell isn't technically changing what happened. Timonthy still goes off to check on Enrique Fluente's old digs in search of the truth. But Lobdell changes the perspective so we now see Timonthy actually knew it was Bruce all along. Basically he's satisfying all of the fans that were upset that Timonthy lost the history of being the kid to figure out Bruce's identity. And I bet Scott would swear up and down that this was how he initially envisioned how Timonthy's encounter with Batman actually went so he can smugly point out to the Red Robin fans that he had this planned all along and they were wrong to criticize his initial account. Or maybe that's just me wanting to portray Scott Lobdell as the jerkiest jerk in the jerk store.

So you mean like the moon? God, his way with words is terrible.

Basically Scott Lobdell is telling the same Red Robin story he told before but injecting a shit ton of new Narration Boxes to skew the perspective and turn it into something it wasn't before. It's just a shitty retcon but what do I care? Red Robin has really only been written by Scott Lobdell so far so he's been one of my least favorite characters in The New 52. I don't mind believing this version over the last one.

Red Robin's Secret Origin Rating: -1 Ranking. Look, I'm not a fan of Scott Lobdell. He's a lazy writer that seems uninterested in his characters. He seems to think he writes young adults well but they all just come off as annoying assholes. There was a time when I kept hoping he'd surprise me and write something decent but that day is long past. At this point, he's going to have to come up with some Watchmen level shit to get me to write something mediocre about his writing.

Batwoman #32

Batwoman vs. Vampirebatwoman! Fight to the...orgasm?!

This issue begins in faux media res which means it starts off with one strike against it. It is the opinion of any intelligent comic book reader (a rare creature indeed!) that comic books should begin somewhere (anywhere!) and continue from there. Perhaps a few flashbacks or reminiscences along the way but the story should continue along from the point of page one. Instead, comic books like to show a hero getting their ass handed to them on page one and then begin the actual story on page two until the plot catches up to that first page which the comic book then, generally, repeats. I suppose a writer might defend himself with some kind of bullshit about exploded narratives or non-sequential, non-linear story telling. But as I noted so eloquently when I called it bullshit, that's bullshit. Because once the story really begins on page two, it just begins a linear, sequential, unexploded life until the final page. And if that's the case, I've got a novel idea! Just begin with page two! Let the cover be the exciting lure to get the reader into the story. You don't need an action packed page one to get the reader interested.

I know what you're thinking! How often have you picked up a comic book and were faced with dialogue on the first page? What a bummer, right?! Where's the action? Will this comic book even have any? Is it going to be all talking and fat Claremont sized Narration boxes?! How many times have you put down a comic book because you were already bored by page one simply because no knuckles were busting chops? I can answer only for myself: I have no boxes full of comic books I've never read simply because they didn't engage the primal, violent part of my brain on page one! Although I do have shelves packed with independent comic books that are full of great characters and nearly no violence at all!

Oh shit! Don't stop reading! Look! Violence! Dammit. I should have begun with this image!

Just think how much better Moby Dick would have been if it began with the encounter with the great white whale! Ahab would be all, "Smile you son of a bitch!" and then the book would continue, "Thirty six hours earlier. Call me Ishmael."

The issue truly begins at a children's charity carnival where Kate Kane runs into Sophie, an old fuckbuddy from her days at West Point. It seems Sophie's going to be working in Gotham so that she can come in between Maggie and Kate! It's not like that little fucking prick Jaime isn't already ruining things. I wish she'd just get hit by a train already.

Sophie just happens to be dating the daughter of the dead husband of Nocturna, so that's probably how she and Batwoman will wind up kissing and doing other lesbian activities like holding hands and scrapbooking. Since Kate is already feeling like Maggie is pushing her away, she's ripe for a little non-fiancée poontang.

Nine pages in and no action?! Good thing that first page satisfied my bloodlust. Otherwise I'd have to make due with a trip to the carnival and a visit to the psychiatrist and a half-naked man training. My attention is beginning to wander!

Oh wait! My attention is back! Although now I have to go repress myself.

Nocturna heads out to steal some grail for her to drink her morning blood out of. And by a crazy coincidence, Batwoman is out on patrol looking to beat the living crap out of something! Or unliving crap, if the only creatures she can find are vampires.

Batwoman tries to stop Nocturna but then page one happens and Batwoman is knocked out cold. But Batwoman shouldn't worry too much that she failed since Sophie's girlfriend called in the Pest Control to take care of Nocturna. Unless it's somebody else she wants killed with a similar name since Natalia Matternacht isn't Nocturna's name at all! Well, it's damn close. I guess I can forgive her for getting it wrong. Although when you want somebody assassinated, I think the name is kind of important. Anyway, this is her friend from Pest Control:

I find the name derivative and uninspired. My guess is he doesn't last two issues.

Batwoman #32 Rating: No change. Even with the loss of one of the greatest creative teams in the history of people teaming up with other people, I'm still thoroughly enjoying this comic book. I like the way it handles the beats. You know what I mean by the beats? It's like how Kate Kane is all enjoying a day at the carnival and then suddenly she's shitting herself that Maggie doesn't love her anymore and then she's on patrol looking to fuckfight somebody. And still we get a bit of insight into some other characters as well. Although I wish I'd never met Killshot. That guy's had nearly no panel time and I already think he's a major fucktwat. I think "fucktwat" is the South London equivalent of "douchebag." I also could be wrong since I don't know anything about South London.

Batwoman #31

Wolf Spider has been distracted by the Batman symbol fluttering around his shoulder.

I don't remember exactly where the story left off last issue because there was an annual published between this issue and issue #30. That means I just reread my commentary on the annual which had nothing to do with this story but had everything to do with a story that finished seven months ago. I'm fairly certain the cover explains everything you need to know. Batwoman is tracking Wolf Spider so that she can begin to beat the crap out of him, realize it's her high school friend, convince him he's being an idiot so that he'll turn on the guy he's working for, and then they'll team up to defeat Old Man Grantham as he searches for the Treasure of Eisenstadt!

But first, thirty six hours ago some shit went down at the court house that the reader needs to be made aware of! It'll probably be important later! As a Master Comic Book Reader, I can easily pick out when a subplot is developing! Don't be upset if you missed it. You'll get the hang of things soon enough! Just remember that Batman always wins and you're already 98% of the way to understanding DC Comics.

Come on! How can you accuse a woman whose name means "midnight" in German of being Nocturna? Ridiculous!

Also happening at the court house, Kate Kane is using her money to fuck other people with less money. An attorney specializing in gay custodial issues has a full work load and he can't take Maggie's case. He even tells Kate that she does not want an overworked, distracted attorney. Which also means his other clients don't want that. But she convinces him to possibly take the case by throwing tons of money at him and his favorite charity. So now he's either got to dump one of his other cases or make a bunch of distracted errors on all of his cases! Good job, Jerko Kane!

That battle that I mentioned earlier is about to take place, so I need to get back to the comic book and see if I correctly guessed the outcome! It'll either go fairly close to the way I guessed or Batwoman will get killed. One of those!

During the battle, Wolf Spider uses a bunch of Marvel's trademarked sound effects like SNKT! and FWIP! I hope DC has a great gay trademark attorney on retainer. Also, the battle doesn't go anywhere near like I expected it to! Although Batwoman does ask Wolf Spider to help her at one point! That's as close as it gets to my guess. Fuck, I suck at reading comic books! I'm horrible! The worst ever! I should just quit!

Apparently Eisenstadt's treasure was just a bunch of clove-flavoured Necco Wafers.

Wolf Spider figures he doesn't need hundreds of old timey candies, so he tosses them in Slaughter Swamp where they react like Mentos in Diet Coke. Maybe. Maybe they just wind up waking up Solomon Grundy.

After he visits the swamp, Wolf Spider runs into Kate but in the guise of Evan. There's a shot of his shoe in both instances so that the dumber readers like me, the worst comic book reader ever to turn a page, get the hint. Unless they're really popular shoes in Gotham!

The issue ends with Kate having another appointment with the therapist that she decided was a homophobic, sexist, rapist, child molesting, dog fucking asshole. I suppose that describes most therapists though, so why not give him another go?

Batwoman #31 Rating: No change. Now that this story line is over, I can assess the series since Andreyko and Haun took over! And my assessment is a mediocre, "It's decent enough." If you like following the adventures of Batwoman, it's definitely worth reading. If you couldn't stop coming in your underwear over Blackman and Williams, this probably isn't your cup of orgasms. If Blackman and Williams run was the Mona Lisa, Andreyko and Haun's run is a drunk guy talking about the Mona Lisa's tits. It's entertaining but it might not be for everybody.

Batwoman #30

If I were a villain in Gotham, I'd choose the name Batasshole because Batman obviously doesn't give a shit about protecting his Batcopyrights.

Last issue ended with Batwoman ambushed by a bunch of C-List villains while she chased Wolf Spider through Arkham. Wolf Spider got away while Batwoman was left to try to remember the names of the mentally ill inmates just released from their cells. They must be mentally ill since instead of trying to escape, they decided to battle Batwoman.

Ah! So much better than freedom!

I hope the battle lasts for the rest of the comic book so I don't have anything to comment on!

Although when the battle isn't very clear, I suppose I have to point at it and yell, "Hey Marc and Jeremy! You guys are sucking up the suck!" Like this next page that made me yell, "Hey Marc and Jeremy! You guys are sucking up the suck!"

I have no idea how she defeats Frat Disaster by touching her wrist clitoris. Oh wait! I think I just figured it out!

If you're not sure why I call this villain "Frat Disaster," I'm not going to explain the really disgusting origin story I've come up with for him. Use your own perverse imagination! Stop grubbing your grubby little mind hands all over mine!

The next person that attacks Batwoman is The Blue Fairy who, as it turns out, is The Green Fairy because you know why. Absinthe! People that currently drink absinthe and think they're fucking crazed poet monsters above the rest of humanity are jerks. Absinthe is simply strong alcohol that tastes like Prell Shampoo. Stop drinking it and pretending you're hallucinating Olivia Newton John roller skating out of Kubla Khan's asshole. If it ever did fuck with a person's mind in a way different than the way alcohol alone fucks with a person's mind, it was probably back when it was drunk by people filled with syphilitic spirochetes. It isn't anymore (or very rarely is, anyway!) so stop pretending it's any different than drinking grain alcohol or your grandmother's perfume.

I was unsure how she defeated Frat Disaster but I definitely know how she defeats The Green Fairy!

By shoving a handful of Frat Disaster's sticky coating in her face! Eww!

After The Green Fairy, Batwoman faces El Cucaracha. And we're back to me not understanding how she defeats him. I think she throws a couple of insect Viagra at the cockroaches, causing them to all orgasm at the same time. They wind up stuck in the jellied mass, basically becoming the cockroach version of Frat Disaster.

Wolf Spider's plan worked in that he delays Batwoman long enough to get away on spider webbed wings. But it doesn't delay her long enough to keep her from sticking a Bat-Tracker to him. I guess she'll just have to catch him when he goes after the Kane Family Eisenstadtz.

Meanwhile, Maggie Sawyer is served a subpoena in the middle of the night in the middle of the police station. And she can't find a bullshit reason to kill the messenger? Come on! She's surrounded by crooked Gotham cops that wouldn't look twice if she stuffed this subpoena up the ass of the bike messenger that delivered it for a small bag of rocks. The subpoena informs Maggie that her ex-husband is suing her for sole custody of their kid. I'm sure Kate Kane can take care of this, vigilante style!

Batwoman chases Wolf Spider down and confronts him in her father's house. That's where she's lucky to not be shot in the face after being shot in the back.

Wold Spider used your name, Grantham! You have to kill Batwoman now! Idiot!

The issue ends with Team Bad Guys (Grantham and Wolf Spider) and Team Good Gals (Batwoman (unharmed thanks to Batbodyarmor, of course) and Hawkfire) figuring out the puzzle of the shitty paintings. They're maps themselves and they lead to a final location where Wolf Spider and Batwoman should have their last high school reunion.

Batwoman #30 Rating: No change. One thing worth noting that I didn't mention earlier because I couldn't turn it into a joke about large quantities of semen is that Nocturna escaped from Arkham. She'll probably turn up later in a story where Maggie Sawyer's child catches Kate and Nocturna in a compromising position. Then Maggie's daughter will say to her father, "Daddy? What's scissoring?" And then the judge will smash down his gavel and yell, "I declare this girl should be raised by the heterosexual parent!" And then Maggie will slap Kate. And then Kate and Maggie will break-up. And then that judge will later have to make a public apology and explain how he didn't mean the child should go to the father because the father was heterosexual but that he was just explaining which parent the child was going to without judgment! And everybody will go, "A judge without judgment! What a great joke! We forgive you!" Then the judge will wipe the sweat from his brow, thank God for his quick thinking, and then on the way home, wind up beaten to a pulp by a mysterious dark figure with bright red hair. Not because the judge was heterosexual but because he was an asshole.

I think I may have gotten too specific with my speculation! What I meant to say is Batwoman is going to battle Nocturna in a future issue!

Batwoman #29

I had no idea "spell" was a euphemism for "vagina."

Now I have the song "I Put A Spell On You" stuck in my head and its far more sexy than creepy! I think Marilyn Manson's version of "I Put A Spell On You" from the Lost Highway soundtrack is the definitive version of that song. I suppose Manson doing a version of a love song that's already inherently creepy is a bit like the person that has to point out a subtle penis joke by yelling, "It's about a penis!" That's kind of the way Captain Hammer and I roll.

I just realized that Kate is going to have to start wearing pants around her apartment more often now that Maggie's kid has moved in. I figure that's probably the main thing that would change if I had children. I'd wear pants around the apartment more often. Not at first, of course! Just when they got old enough to have friends come over. Although then it might be worth the teenage embarrassment factor to walk through the room in my underwear in front of my kid's friends with a stack of Superman comic books under my arm and asking, "Anybody got to use the bathroom? Judging by my stomach's reaction to breakfast, I'm probably going to be in there for awhile!" Also, the Superman comic books would not be for reading but for wiping my ass because they'd be the ones written by Scott Lobdell.

This issue begins with that Eisenstadt guy (unless his name is spelled differently) discovering a secret about a rich bastard named Mr. Grantham! But the reader doesn't get to know the secret yet or else we'd set the book down and stop reading because too much was revealed too quickly. Unless the revelation was mysterious enough to keep us interested! I know I'd be more interested finding out exactly what Eisenstadt found out rather than being left with this to keep me hooked:

"Blessed Virgin! A Grinch doll!"

Eisenstadt means iron city. I just point that out because it might be important to the character later. Like he might have an iron will or he bustles frequently.

To continue living with Maggie and her child, Kate had to make a few concessions. One of those was to see a therapist for her possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not that anybody but Maggie thinks she might have PTSD. But Maggie is the only one that matters to Kate, so she's going to spend a few pages telling a stranger all the fucked up bits of her life so that she can feel less anxious and more connected to the world. Ha ha! Who does that? What a pathetic loser!

Ow. I think I just hurt my feelings.

Oh wait! I'm not the pathetic loser! I'm the therapist helping people understand that they aren't alone in their problems by exposing my own! My readers are the pathetic losers!

Hey! Wait! Where are you going?! I didn't mean anything by that last caption! Please stay! I LOVE YOU!

Obviously what I meant to say is that we're all pathetic losers together because our problems aren't anywhere as unique as we'd like to think they are. They differ only in slight degrees. There's a quote that I'm probably misremembering somehow but it goes something like this: "When you see somebody else get stabbed in the face, it's comedy. But when it happens to you, it's tragedy." And it's easy to look at the victim of comedy as being a pathetic loser when they whine about not getting how funny the stabbed in the face joke was. So what I meant to say is that by all of us being pathetic losers, we aren't actually pathetic losers at all! We're just animals trapped inside the human condition. We're observers observing the observes as we're observed by the observing observers who are also observed. You know what I mean! Probably!

Oh! Oh! I know what happens when you assume! When you assume, you just make stuff up in your head that lacks evidence and then you believe it so strongly (because why would you, the genius, be wrong?) that it takes two to three times more evidence to convince you that you were wrong than if you had just let the evidence come in before making your stupid assumption.

When the therapist assumes she's heterosexual, it's the final straw for Kate who doesn't actually want to be here anyway. She lists off all the "issues" the therapist would probably enjoy asking her to elucidate before walking out of the office. One of those "issues" is that Kate "scared the hell out of [her] fiance's daughter, possibly destroying [their] relationship." That's still a problem? The kid walking in on Kate half-naked in the bathroom cleaning blood off of her face? Bullshit. If the relationship is so fragile that Maggie can't get past her kid getting what amounted to a slightly perturbing experience then maybe Maggie isn't as into the relationship as she thought. Maybe Maggie isn't the one that really has much of a problem with what happened. Obviously she wants her child to be safe around the problems that could crop up when married to a vigilante. So it's understandable if Maggie wants to make sure Kate is okay. Perhaps it's Kate that is blowing this whole thing out of proportion because she's afraid she can't be a good mother to this little girl. Seems like Kate wants this entire thing to blow up because she's afraid she isn't worthy of a normal, happy family. It's easier to get pissed at your therapist and walk out like he's the asshole than to have to face the fact that your fucked up early family life doesn't make you essentially a fucked up person. I think Kate wants to think of herself as permanently broken because it makes it easier to put her life in danger every night. She doesn't deserve to be happy so she risks her life saving people that do deserve to be happy. But remember that thing about us all being pathetic losers? Right. So Kate Kane also deserves to be saved. But who will save her?

Meanwhile Wolf Spider is planning an art heist on Arkham Asylum! That should be entertaining.

That also just made me realize what I really want in the next DC Comics video game! I mean, after the Suicide Squad game, of course! I fucking can't wait for that shit. Anyway, I want a Catwoman game that's a lot like the Thief games but with super heroes and super villains! So your basic game play is a lot like Thief where you steal lots of shiny shit but with more parkour and whipping. And instead of normal guards, Catwoman has to sneak around super villains and their powers. And of course, she'd occasionally have to fuckfight Batman.

Kate really is on the defensive. Although Maggie is pressing pretty hard with the "you obviously have a mental illness" flanking maneuver. I think couples counseling is the real answer!

Kate and Maggie decide to stop discussing their relationship because it's more difficult than figuring out who Wolf Spider really is. Although that's actually pretty easy but they're just dumb. And by dumb, I don't mean the old timey meaning of cannot speak. I don't even mean the new timey meaning of being stupid. I just mean they're ignorant of comic book conventions. I don't mean conventions as in a place where people gather to meet due to a shared interest, usually for the sake of buying and selling! I mean convention as in a trope or a usual means of doing things. Also, they're ignorant of the fact that they're in a comic book or else they'd know right off that Wolf Spider was Kate's old beard from high school. I forget what his name was. So I'm awful at detektif work too!

One thing Kate has figured out is that Wolf Spider has been stealing Eisenstadt paintings. And she knows the location of one of the last two in the series being stolen: Arkham Asylum! So Kate heads over there in the hopes that Wolf Spider will be there that night. While she's waiting around, maybe she'll remember seeing a painting in her family estate with lots of people with no faces.

The next panel should be Wolf Spider saying, "Kate?" Then Batwoman says, "Evan?" And then they have a good laugh and go out for some pizza.

The fight quickly turns into a chase which winds up in the Metahuman Security Wing. Which is probably where Batwoman is going to fall under the vagina of Nocturna! Once Wolf Spider sets all the inmates free so he can get away under cover of craziness.

I don't recognize most of the inmates released because Batwoman must be in the Batwoman's Villains Wing as opposed to the Batman's Villains Wing.

Wolf Spider sneaks off while Batwoman is left to fight these guys. Clockwise from Bottom Left: La Cucaracha, The Lamprey, Frat Disaster, The Blue Fairy, The Janitore, and Nocturna.

Batwoman #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. The tone of the book has shifted somewhat from Williams and Blackman's run but the quality has been retained. Okay, so the art and the layouts aren't nearly as interesting as before. And the story is quite a bit lighter. But I have to admit I like how much time Andreyko is spending on Kate and Maggie's relationship within the framework of the greater story. This is one book that I wouldn't think twice if people had just dropped when Blackman and Williams walked off the book. But if they did, I think they're missing out on a DC comic that's still well worth reading. Unless it makes you angry just thinking about what could have been! Then you probably shouldn't touch it for your own sanity. Especially since you can't hate it the way you'd truly be able to if Ann Nocenti and Rob Liefeld had taken over.